Experienced divorce lawyer here. Do NOT marry someone who you think will somehow change important personality traits. It never works out well for the empathetic person in the end. Divorcing a narcissist can be a brutal, expensive experience. Stay safe! Vet carefully for a long time. I have seen kind empaths get ruined at exit by marrying a covert narcissist.
Thank you for this wise exhortation based on your expertise. Although I have painfully learned from my own experience, this seems to solidify the lesson.
They don’t leave either!!!! They will also return back to hang out with your family and they enter twine themselves so far and your family you can’t get them out and then they don’t know boundaries when you’re trying to move on with your dating life and then so they’re showing up you know at your parents house and then they turn the kids away from you!!! it’s not just about money they want to destroy you. They can’t move on. They want your life. They don’t want you they want your life!!!
"I cannot trust you. I cannot trust you with my heart. I cannot trust you with my time. I cannot trust you with my energy. I cannot trust you with my future. And therefore, I can't let you in the house. Because if I let you in my house, so to speak, you will predictably wreak havoc." - I love this. Well said.
Yes yes...i don't know if u a believer but the Bible says "they creep into houses and overtake silly women ladden with sins" ouch ouch that verse hurts but is it not true? Then it says when u get them out and u let them back in that "they come back stronger bringer 7 more demons with them" ouch ouch that hurts it only made me believe even more it's too true i tell u ☹️🥺😭
@@CordeliaWagner I agree. But even without those people, calling oneself a person who has more empathy than others is too cringey for me. Plus, not that 100% of them have issues, but many of them are in fact narcissists being narcissistic and projecting their own emotions onto others, believing they are so good at reading and understanding people. Plus, they are soo interested in reading emotional cues of others because they are insecure and crave control, and they confuse cognitive empathy with affective empathy. So while a self-proclaimed "empath" could turn out to be an empathetic person, ironically they may actually be the opposite: a narc with little or no (affective) empathy. EDIT: Added the last sentence.
It is the same for me. We broke up two weeks ago. I am being told that "I" am the Toxic one. And it hurts for I tried 6 YEARS to work with this person. She ALWAYS thinks that the glass is half empty and never trusts me. She seems to argue with EVERY man in her life. Unless it's a supervisor at work. The no trust comes from an ex-husband that cheated on her. But that was over 20 years ago. I am struggling now because I'm not trying to push the blame on her, but it's making me think if I really was toxic.
This is not just with a partner. This also includes family, friends , etc. I'm here to tell you that you deserve to protect yourself and have boundaries and more. Don't be a person who allows people to make a doormat out of your kindness. You will get run over flat. Any person who enjoys causing you pain Is a person you need to say goodbye to. You deserve peace, joy and happiness even if that means serving yourself that sunshine daily a lot of people don't deserve you. Know your worth when it comes to all kinds of relationships.
‘When someone makes your life that miserable, the good times don’t even have to be that good to feel incredible’ 🤦♀️ This video is utterly amazing MH ❤
That’s so true. It’s like a drug dealer. They give you the nice drug first to get you hooked then give you less and less drug which is less potent till you end up an addict chasing this first highs.
“When someone makes your life so miserable the good times don’t even have to be that good to feel like they are incredible.” Man that shook me. Never realized this and how true it is.
The problem with being empathetic is over looking the person's behavior because we are quick to want to understand them .. we need to start having standards to how people act and show up.. we have to stop giving them free passes for showing up and being nasty.. so that's a skill that needs to be stronger .. and working over the guilt for doing so..
Yes this is very true… I tend to feel guilty for even having standards. Like I am in the wrong for having them or trying to have them in the first place. Wise words. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve dealt with so many toxic people that they have became a habit of mine ... Toxic people are very good with guilt tripping you, so never feel guilty. Things had to happen the way it did. When they notice you are leaving them and not giving into their nonsense they get hurt so they try to hurt you first by pulling the card of “I am leaving”. Understand that they never cared to begin with. Them staying with you was very beneficial for them, because they could start blaming you and hurting you without risking anything knowing that you’ll come back. you’re the one avoiding conflict every time while they’re being spontaneous am I right? Honestly, you don’t need them, they try to gaslight you into thinking that they’ve never done you wrong once in their life by milking the sh*t out of that one good situation you both had, but what about all of the other times that they’ve hurt you? Honestly, just leave.
I’m a survivor of a crappy childhood and a narcissistic abusive husband of 37 years. I finally realized that I hadn’t done anything to deserve this and at 56 I left the marriage. Our children were all grown, living independently and he still raged relentlessly. A narcissists absolutely makes you GRATEFUL for civility… well said!
I too left a narcissist after 39 years at the age of 54. It's tough rebuilding and recovering but thankfully it can be done. After ten years it still feels unlikely I'll ever have an intimate relationship and am still learning about boundaries and putting my own needs first. This video is very helpful. A work in progress. 😊
@@bramilanThere is no courage ‘suddenly’ - it’s a process of understanding and bringing up your self worth and over time the urge to leave will grow until you are ready to leave. Never do anything until you are stable in your knowing and beliefs and feelings of capability and then create a plan not just to leave but also your first next steps and place to work and/or live. There is no quick fix and after you leave you’ll find there is years of internal (and possible physical) recovery work to process through and be with. So much to this. Nothing will be ‘sudden’ …a very long process of processing and healing and learning to care and love yourself and set boundaries with everyone which obviously alot of empaths never learned was necessary until now. Best wishes dear ones❤
Yes!!!! Narcissists make you grateful for civility. Normal calm living is a real high for me right now. I can relate to your story. I’m 55 and have severed ties with my ex and my narcissistic family--it’s …. melancholy …realizing this calm normal way of life could have been mine if I chose different. Now that I get why I attracted it I know I’ll attract a truly loving and fun mate next time …even if I have to wait until my next life. Oh well. Part of my healing is accepting the turns of my life and keeping on❤
I was always taught to be gentle and love people and care and help and no one ever told me that people take advantage of that and leave you a shell of a person. It has taken me 30 years to finally understand this and now the damage is done...
I take solace in the fact it’s 30 years and not 60 😊 Took me longer than this but there’s still a bunch of time to make use of what we’ve learned I believe the whole damage, compared to what’s in stock for us, will look minor as time goes on
Kayla, you can heal and rebuild your self-respect & heal your spirit. I can relate to watch you've experienced. See a therapist, execute a zero-tolerance policy on toxic people & build a life you 💖. Love yourself and be happy!🌻✊🏾💕
Exactly! They never tell you about the possibility of pain and hurt from others, but still expect you to keep being wonderful. Until your a shelf of your former self
I’m so glad to not be alone in this. I was not prepared for the realm of hell that is very real on this planet. I was taught to be polite and always had what I needed and was healthy. I was not taught that when others lack what’s important to them and they see that you have it, inevitable lust that some have and some don’t have (all comes down to choice) will make them think of the easiest way to take some from you. They can choose to make it as evil as they want. Be polite, be kind. But have a plan to kill whoever you meet. You don’t have to literally kill them. But kill the evil shit inside of them. When they think your kindness is weakness and you show them a savage virtue, they’ll be sitting in a world of confusion and hurt. And you’ll feel bad for them and laugh.
People with good hearts are always taken for granted & often exploited. But please remember, never let the goodness inside of you die because of a few bad people. The World needs genuine & compassionate beings ❤
As a survivor of a 7 year narcissistic abuse relationship, 3 years of that marriage, this is invaluable advice. Empathy is a strength, but can also be your downfall. Empathy must come with boundaries. If your boundaries are overstepped, GET OUT. Please! Empathy can be a great trait in many other situations and in healthy relationships, but your empathy will never change someone who will abuse it. They will only further weaponize it against you to the point they will take everything and destroy you. There’s power in the realization that it’s not your job to fix everyone, there has to be personal responsibility. That manipulative response of “you’re abandoning me, you don’t care that I had A,b, and c happen to me” is so true. Learn the early warning signs and LEAVE
Empathy is not the problem, Fellowship with the individual is the problem or else all the empathy we have for all the victims of all types of trauma is a waste. I'm a thriver of my past association with a Narcissist, yet I pray for thst person to be healed by my God. Does my empathy drives me back to them; No, but it does help me to not only heal, but to also forgive them and not to become bitter, that I hear a lot of people become, because I also read the bitterness in many comments... FYI: According to the professionals who researched, studied and treat Narcissist...we all have levels of healthy Narcissism and Narcissism as we know it starts with Mommy...
Don’t blame yourself it wasn’t your fault that person is a butthole and has no heart. Always remember You are Beautiful & Worthy of Love….I remind myself of this all the time. ❤
Carmen you are not alone, 2 plus years wth a depressed man ,with narc traits and has 3 addictions , smokes, pot and beer!So self absorbed, emotionally immature,cared nothing about me as a person,user and tasker, finally ended on his part and looking on dating sites while we were together!
As someone on the other end of an empathetic person, I completely understand why she left. The unfortunate thing is I didn’t even know until I started working on myself as soon as we broke up. The problem was, well one of the problems was, that I identified as a victim my entire life. I lived off of my trauma. I thought that was who I was always going to be and I needed somebody to magically save me, to heal me, but I didn’t even notice that she was trying to accommodate for those things while I was there, until after I started doing the work and then, retroactively, like an epiphany I saw everything. EVERYTHING. I know she doesn’t trust me. I understand. Not because she told me, but because after going no contact almost immediately I realized that she couldn’t. I love that she’s happy now. I have no anger or resentment for her or her new partner. I’m glad she gets to be herself. I’m not going to put myself in her life again. I HAVE so much work to do. Years and years, but I have hope, and I’m not going to give up. Thank you.
It's refreshing to read that you are looking into working on yourself. I was in a similar situation and I tried to help them see how realising certain things about themselves and that help was available... it's difficult for both people.. anyway, I just wanted to say you deserve happiness too.
Yes you have much needed work to do on yourself and be honest with yourself and take responsibility..my bf never took responsibility and always called me ungrateful
This is my exact situation and I even feel empathy for you and as result I feel it for him (my partner). Learning how to feel more compassion for myself so that I can walk away and stay away.
This sounds like codependency, not prioritizing yourself, your needs and repeatedly settling for crumbs. Definitely a painful pattern, almost like an addiction but it’s possible to overcome. There’s self love and healing on the other side.❤
Think it's more about trauma bonding ( this is what creates an addiction, it's pattern ) and it's effects it can have on your once, healthy self confidence.. it's also about self compassion and self love for sure after it has been unchecked for way to long..
Those who have been through this also have been gaslit to the point they can blame themselves when it's nothing they have done.. it's the pattern of toxic behaviour experienced
There are some similarities to codependency, but codependency does imply a person who is unaware of their worth and/or needs to feel wanted/loved. On the other hand it is definitely possible to not be codependent, know ones own worth, had a healthy happy childhood with perfectly loving parents/family … and then also be accepting of narcissistic abuse because they want that narcissist to feel loved the same way they always been loved because they truly truly care about how other people feel so much it defines who they are as person. They are compelled almost to the point of obsessive compulsive. That is empathy. Codependent person may not be empathetic but just simply have a bad image of themself and therefore put up with narcissistic abuse because that’s the best they think they can get. An empathetic person with no codependency issues would know they are an amazing person while still knowing the narcissistic person deserves to be accepted and loved also.
@@Kittypaws90 The way I like to think of codependency is that it’s a pattern of relationship behaviors that are essentially creating a form of addiction between two people. Due to fears and beliefs we carry about ourselves and the other person. These subconscious fears end up blurring the lines between self identity and personal boundaries, resulting in unhealthy exchanges within the relationship dynamic. I believe if the empathic person is able to give love without getting trapped in that cycle then that means they are not codependent.
@@Melisaosm an empathetic person could strictly get in their own way by getting trapped by their own ‘compulsiveness’ of caring too much about how other people feel. And not wanting to give up on that person. Some people do it because that’s who they are as a person. Some people do it because they believe they are doing Gods work. Especially if it’s a marriage/parent and they are devoted to their religious beliefs and practices and therefore are devoted to that person. A narcissist taking advantage of that, or an otherwise extremely kind and/or naive person is another way of ending up in the cycle. Another example would be a family member like a child dealing with a narcissistic parent or other family relative. There’s all types of relationship examples with narcissists or narcissistic people. A lot of people don’t recognize what narcissism is and if they were not a codependent person they can become utterly confused to the point of developing Stockholm syndrome-like tendency which would then make them then appear to be codependent after getting into the relationship. When in actuality they were not codependent (or overly empathetic) but didn’t realize they were dealing in what could be arguably identified as a type of psychological warfare. Making a independent person so confused and start believing they are codependent and that’s why bad things happen. Because they are codependent and if they weren’t then this bad stuff wouldn’t happen. The victim would naturally believe there is something “wrong” about them and codependency would generally fit into that category even though there’s nothing truly wrong with being a codependent person. It’s just in western society everyone is expected to be strong and independent. Narcissistic people are all about their needs getting met. Whether that is with an empathetic person and/or codependent person, or neither. A person does not have to be empathetic or codependent to get “trapped” in a cycle with a narcissist. It could just be they are trapped by some obligation outside themselves. And sometimes there is no escaping that.
Is that what they're doing when they leave unexpectedly? My ex moved out many times while I was at work . Time and time I begged her to co e back and fix things ...then it would always be my fault eventually that she left again .I started believing I was always wrong ...but I wasn't lying or doing anything of the sort ... I loved her . I'd belive her ,, she'd be there amd love me and then I'd Com home and everything would be gone ..... I Los my leg to cancer and 2 mo the after she left again.when i needed her the most she left .and for some reason I'm sitting every day blaming myself still
It’s so hard to remind yourself that this isn’t love when you’ve gotten so used to it after so long. My favorite quote from this video was when he said “I can’t trust you with my future”
Don’t feel permanently stuck. Escaping this kind of relationship won’t be glamorous but it’s necessary. Go through the motions, and eventually that weight will be lifted. You can be empathetic from a safe distance and without contact. Your peace of mind is so much more important.
Hi ! How do I get over the compassion I have for her ? I am not able to block her as I don’t know the consequences and she knows where I live , what can I do ?
I held out because I didn’t want to start over with someone new. When you spoke about every emotion that there is, I couldn’t gaslight myself any longer. I terminated the relationship and blocked him. It feels like a 100 lbs weight was lifted from my shoulders. Thank you!
I can relate to this video a lot. My ex fiancé used to make me feel like my feelings were wrong. He never met my needs, always broke promises and over stepped my boundaries. I felt trapped in the relationship. I eventually got out and now I realise how much he was using me.
l went through this also. Left me destroyed. lm 4 years out if this relationship, but it took a long time to realize he was fake, a narcissist & a user. He went on to use someone else. l feel sorry for her because she has no idea what she's in for down the road
I’m glad you got out. I just ended a six year relationship. He was more concerned about the resources he was losing than losing me. He wasn’t there when I needed him and asked for help which is hard for me. He would watch me struggle and stress out. When I called him out on it, he never took responsibility for his actions. Happy healing to you!
Stop looking at the other person as being a user. Start examining why you let someone use you, don't make excuses for yourself by placing the blame on another person. Another person can only treat you badly if you allow then to, so work out why you allowed it. Dating you love them is not a reason, why do you live an abuser. Do work on your unconscious, your inner critic, your inner child, your childhood trauma, the limiting beliefs gifted to you by poor parenting, work on empowering yourself, standing up for yourself, stop looking at others treatment of you as the issue because it is not. If someone tries to abuse and you punch them in the face they are much less likely to attempt thw same thing again. I am not suggesting that as a tactic, however defending yourself is the number one way to not be abused. Why haven't you been defending yourself? All this talk of people don't or can't change is not helpful. You as an individual need to change
Misplaced hope is a dangerous thing! I have wasted literal decades on a toxic relationship with the hope that I could change myself to make the relationship better, then hoped they would change to make the relationship better, then hoped that I was strong enough to maintain the relationship even when nothing changed. I used to believe in second chances and that anyone at any time could make a turn around. This made me blind to the here and now. What matters is what is happening NOW.
It's weird how society forgets that empathy should be for everyone - and that includes yourself. You have to have empathy for the suffering that has being done to you by this abusive person, and make the decision that you deserve better. You excuse their horrible behaviour? Well, then leave them, and excuse YOUR behaviour by saying to yourself something like "I have had enough, I suffer too much when I'm around this person". I get it though, I was raised in a household where others were more important than me; I was taught by my mom that other people's wellbeing was more important than my own. But then I understood that I was also a person, and that, as a person, I also deserved respect from others.
This hits so deep. It's crazy to hear someone legitimately describe your life when they don't even know you. I feel so bad (again empathetic 😅) for the people who have experienced this as well. We're gonna make it out ✊🏼
Develop empathy for YOURSELF above all. This helps protect your core--who you are, what matters to you--against any adversary. Learn that others need to PROVE they deserve your empathy for them. That takes time. The best relationships take time to reveal the good and the bad. Anything rushed in a relationship is from EGO, which is one of the great relationship destroyers. Stay safe. And btw, once again, Matthew, you ROCK!
I held out hope for 25 years that my ex husband seeing the errors of his way & change. My ex when he knew that I was on the verge of me leaving him, he'd be on his best behavior. Once he knew that the "storm" he go back to his normal persona. This is called the Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hide syndrome. After 26 of marriage & 30 years of ebduring this, I finally got off this crazy train roller-coaster ride! I've been through all the emotional feelings that is described in this video. Everything that is said in the video is spot on & 💯% correct! I'm 6 years in my healing & personal growth journey. I'm getting closer of feeling like my whole self. In my healing journey, I learned that my family growing up was dysfunctional. That's where my self esteem started to be damaged. Thanks for this video!
This was amazing! I just got out of a relationship that hit every note you mentioned. I still find myself wanting to go back sometimes for the exact reason mentioned along with fear and my own codependency issues. But, you’re right, nothing will ever change and I can do so much better. And if I don’t meet someone good, being alone is better than being with a toxic person
YES. THIS. I recently went through having to cut ties with someone I considered a friend after years because after being around them in person for a weekend, like the flip of a switch, they changed. Conversations were suddenly very confusing and hard to follow for me, they were saying strange comments out of the blue that were unrelated to the topic we were talking about and they began turning their conversation to very dark comments. It made me horribly uncomfortable so I took a step back, trying to assess the situation to figure out what was going on. They developed targets of blame for EVERYTHING they themselves were doing. It sent a cold chill down my spine and I realized (too late) they were acting like my birth mother who I went no contact from 4 years ago! I came here to see if there is something I am doing to attract these type of people so I can STOP. The best thing was hearing, "Rational Compassion" I love this and am pleased that as a highly empathetic person who has had to embrace darkness to save myself, this is much more how I am now. I have to be. Some people are just so unhealthy for me that I have to stay away from them & not have them as part of my life. I love them but they are not good for me. No matter what traumas a person experienced as a child, as an adult you have a responsibility to seek help and not to take the past out on others. You can not use it as a crutch to justify your bad behavior and mistreatment of others. (I practice what I preach, sought counseling & do not rely on excuses. I hold myself accountable and do not mistreat others.) Not harboring anger toward them doesn't mean I'll allow them back in my life though. Period.
i am sorry for your experience, it must had been tough. i am actually wondering how were you able to cut it off. I was about to but i couldn't, got blamed and a lot of things until it hurt me..i want to do something about it because the agony is annoying.
The biggest red flag to an empathetic person is when you care and attention starts to hurt yourself. Empathic people need to learn to pull back and self-invest. You will be called selfish at this point...but you gotta have a strong sense of self and know that is the most loving thing to do.
Everything you all explained is exactly how I experienced it. Empathy is what kept me stuck. Compassion and love for my own well being and realizing that they would never change was my freedom. They tried like hell to sabatoge my leaving and subsequent healing, but once I saw the truth there was no going back. It was a rough road on the way out of that toxic relationship, but it was more promising than a rough road to nowhere staying in it. My life is soooo much better and I am free from feeling guilt for someone else's shit. This was a great topic 👏.
I spent over two years with a narcissist. My huge mistake was thinking that my 'goodness' and compassion would somehow rub off on him. Like my energy would be magically infused into him and he would become a more loving, caring person. How wrong I was. In fact made him worse and worse and the cruelty and almost twisted evil thing is that I learnt was that narcissists hate their victim, hate them for being such idiots to love them. Like a kind of disgust. Of course that's because that's how they truly view themselves. I didn't know that at the time. As you say, extremely damaging and I still find myself drifting into that toxic mode with others I've met since.
I suffered a long time. Now I started to recall all this situations, where I was giving and kind to this cruel person and in my mind take this feelings back. This little exercise is so powerful to me. Taking back my feelings is energizing me. Try it, too and tell me if you find it as helpful as I do.
I've realized at 45 I can't invest feelings anymore into new "relationships" at this age everyone has mental issues and is damaged from life so they project their issues and toxic crap onto others. I've only encountered narcissistic people because there are so many since their relationships never work out long term. I'm not getting attached anymore. A dozen heartbreaks from family, friends and relationships... I'm done. Staying single. 💔🖤
It is definitely harder as you get older. I can totally relate to that. I'm basically the same age as you (44). It feels hopeless sometimes, and my relationships with women have been largely unsuccessful, but you have to be open to the possibility of a good and meaningful one. We accumulate scars with time, but how we deal with them matters. Some of us learn and grow while others remain stuck in the mire/trauma.
I am 10 years in to that and I finally got help to see that I can have a high quality relationship by doing inner work. I now know how to vet people and I have clear boundaries for myself. I want wonderful social connection, not isolation. It is a process.
I really needed this today. I’ve been struggling to let an ex go. It’s the same pattern every time. You guys listed everything I’ve been going through.
Same - I've just deleted his number. I will not go back this time. I am 58, have known this man for over 10 years as a friend, and romanticly started three years ago. This man has destroyed my self worth and I am angry with myself for allowing an egotistical, emotionally immature player do this. I am working on my self worth to get my confidence in myself back up again. I will not let him destroy my life ... I can finally see the truths and not the fantasy of what I thought he could be ... with my help of course. I should of left the ferrell animal on the side of the road as its taken nearly three years of my life to see that the animal you tried to save just kept biting the person who tried to help - I know if I stay any longer the animal will go for my throat! Oops. Fantastic video ... I can relate to everything on here. Thanks again for the reminder... He will never change
My weak boundaries were never about low self worth but about compassion as a highly empathetic person who believed people should be forgiven and be given multiple opportunities to let their true self shine. I also took on responsibilities to compensate for actions they wouldn't or couldn't take. Options are sometimes limited when children are involved. You do what you have to do to keep you and them safe physically and emotionally. You can only control what you can control, so much is out of our control. Less contact is probably necessary but it's not an exact science as to how much, especially when you haven't figured out yet how narcisist someone is until years later. Sometimes it's not that two people are actually arguing or fighting, it could just be one person is affecting someone's ability to survive, like interrupting their sleep every day, it's ruthless.
I was nervous at first (because, ya know, change), but Audrey is such an asset to this channel. Literally every time she speaks she’s pointing out something I was hoping would be addressed.
Made me very emotional because I was stuck in this situation for 8 months.. Thanks God he ended it, because anytime I tried to end it I couldn't. Took me the same amount of time to heal and now he's reaching again. But now I know better :)
I forgot one crucial thing: my psychologist was a big part of it. So I recommend everyone to at least try that. Maybe you won't be able to leave instantly (like i wasn't), but after some time you will find the strength. 💜
I was stuck for YEARS with this last guy that I felt too guilty to leave...and I finally left and I can't believe how HAPPY I feel to finally love myself again!!!
As someone who is an empath that was married to a narcissist for 9 years, this video couldn’t be anymore accurate. Everything you said was so on point.
I would never be in a relationship again.too much baggage at my age.heck 15 years ago I thought the same,gave it a try with my old High school sweetie and what a mess. Never again.
Currently I’m just trying to understand why I continued in the relationship for 10years…there is no upside …it was a total waste of time. But then I left it a few days,…..and now realise it’s taught me about myself and how I manage relationships / lack of boundaries and now it’s inspired to improve and grow and role model that to my daughter…so although still down 10years ….I feel a bit better and know it will never happen again in any shape or form - adult child, friends, elderly parents , colleagues or boss. Thank,you
Cut 'em off. 💯 I don't look at people who I know are negative and toxic. If you show me that you're negative, I will no longer seek to have anything to do with you, including look at you. Because I know that the eyes are the window to a person's spirit. Some people are walking around with demons in their spirit, and energy transfers, even with a look. I learned a long time ago that they all smile in your face, and gossip behind your back. I don't play that fake love/ fake shit. 💯
It is heartbreaking to wake up and realize that there are people who see that empathetic trait in you and abuse it. It took decades to realize what's happening. This isn't just a relationship thing. Parents need to be able to recognize in their children and address it because this causes problems at work, with friends, and in love.😔
I don’t normally leave comments but this video hit HARD. Thankfully, I got out of my toxic relationship but I still catch myself trying to rationalise their behaviour months afterwards.
I’ve lived this, 8 years of hell, pushed to the brink where I literally had a rope around my neck ready to end it. Fortunately I finally realised even that wouldn’t have made a difference and he wouldn’t have cared , would have just moved on to the next target. Taken 6 years to work through the aftermath but have finally regained my life and sense of self worth. This has helped explain so many things as to why I put myself in that situation in the first place. Thank you for helping me with closure 🙏🏻
Wow do I love how Audrey said it. Being an emphatic person in relationships is so hard. Men make me feel awful when feelings are involved. I would believe everything they said knowing deep down it was lies. A mentor once told me that I should feel bad for myself. Not them. Changed my whole perspective. I feel bad for my past self that I put myself through so much.
I really feel this when she says that the good times feel better than they should. I’ve just been in a toxic relationship and really fighting not to let this person back in my life but sometimes the good moments come back in my head…and it is a struggle but I think I will be strong this time. I blocked him , I don’t want any contact… good luck to everyone, it is hard!
My dad is a narcissist, I can easily relate to what it feels like. He manipulated my mom to an extent, exploited our life and those golden years. Now he is ageing and he is still the same, no emotions and no remorse for his actions. I came to know about this when I started watching his actions and the way he destroyed my job, and how he was happy for my loss. My dad never sacrificed his needs, and happiness for us and those 35 years of my mom's devoted love towards him. we were in hell. It was so hard to let my mom understand that he is not what she believes and it took my courage to pull her out of his grip.
Sorry to hear about your experience... My story is precisely the other way around, my mother was the offender me and my brother s were used as her weaponry against my father. Yes we too know what Hell looks like!! Only way to find some peace is keeping distance from this type of personalities no matter who they are!
My dad was like this as well. Then later as an adult I learned he also likely has other severe mental illnesses. Still doesn’t make it easier to deal with and the damage of having that kind of parent is done
Another wonderful video - I love what she said, when no one makes sure we are ok, they are not showing up ….and we are asking for trouble. Using our past experiences to justify bad behavior is just wrong. Stop playing the victim and take control. Feeling “used” because people love tapping into the love and understanding we have, but find excuses why they can’t give us the same. Don’t buy what they are selling, they will create a mini addict in us. It’s not sustainable, it’s not healthy and it speaks volumes about who they are inside.
Just so spot on. The quicksand. Losing all confidence. The White Castle burger when you're starving in the desert. Forgetting what a normal relationship even looks like. How they turn your empathy against you when you 'abandon them.' You've addressed it all so clearly - it helps me to hear it articulated so well (the trauma bond still clouds my thinking.) Thank you - this is very reassuring.
“Grateful for civility.” - you nailed it, Matthew. Sadly I was there, right there. Grateful for the good days. It’s been 4 weeks since I ended the relationship with a habitual liar and manipulator. I miss the good days, which were really, really good but happy I don’t have to go through the bad days where I was usually gaslit
I love White Castle! And I’m grateful for this video. Many of us crave for love too because we never received it as children and you continue to subconsciously manifest the same people. And you continue to pour love after the love bombing stopped. We are so hungry for love and so programmed to take care of others and you don’t know what you need at all.
Yes spot on about holding onto the good times, as they can be really lovely. It's not the abuse that makes us want to go back/take them back, it's the good times, the highs, the promise of an amazing future, feeling seen, understood, etc, etc. It wasn't all terrible...but ultimately, it was an illusion, a relationship based on lies 😕
This, amongst several other videos of Matthew’s and others in this field of study, have caused a perpetual, overwhelming awakening in me and to what my contributions to a slowly drifting apart union, separation, and now divorce from the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Why would someone continue to stay in a prison serving a life sentence when the cell door is open? Her courage to leave the relationship, against her moral fiber and beliefs has me absolutely awestruck. She is stronger than she can ever know. Stronger than I could ever know. It’s crazy how while my heart feels like it’s been ripped out, I am actually grateful to her for the kick in the a$$ I have much needed. She saved my life. Sure, to some reading this, it may sound like another bull$hit line to try and get back “in the house” again. But I wouldn’t ask that of her. The chips have fallen where they may. I have made my own bed and now lay in it alone. I can wallow in sorrow, carry on about how all women are bitches while drowning in a bottle. Or, I can choose to change. I do believe you can’t change someone, but if they have the will to change, they can and will. It’s now my opportunity to try and have half of her courage to do the deep dive, introspective exorcising of what demons in me that would keep me blinded to the jerk I was becoming while in my own pity party. I know with the right professional help, with the correct motivator, (pain can be one heckuva motivator) and the grace of God, there are undesirable patterns of behaviors that can be altered. So to all of those husbands or boyfriends out there that may have stumbled upon these videos before you’ve lost the best thing to have happened to you, get your $hit together and own your contribution. Don’t be the same old stupid boy like me that Keith Urban sings of. Because when she figures out she can run, she’ll be “long gone, long gone……”
I have been way too empathetic. For the last 5 years I was trapped in toxic relationships. I am now beginning to break free and I am so happy. Thank you.
When this podcast came out, I deliberately missed an exit or two to have several sections of it on repeat, including this one, because it broke the silence on what MUST be cast light on. It is not about being selfish, it is about recognising when all too many are bleeding out for each other and ruining themselves in the process. Those who have THAT FRIEND or family member who is always five minutes from breakdown and burnout will know how pointless the pursuit of relational martyrdom is - conscious or unconscious. Thank you so much for this podcast specifically. Looking forward to the retreat.
This man understands how destructive toxic people can be. He is speaking so much truth. Not just a partner...family members as well. This is truly insightful.
It is crucial to always review your relationship with people important to you rationally. Don’t be afraid of cutting any of them off if thing goes fundamentally against you. In many cases the earlier you cut loss the better
This hit me like an arrow through my heart. Exactly what I've been going through for 14 years, and still stuck. Planning to leave soon, God willing, I've hit my empathetic limit. This video is encouraging, thank you!!!
We suffered almost at the same time. Practiced Gray Rock method for about 2 years. He got bored with me and now he just cheated and when I found out he ghosted me without any word. 2 weeks now, bracing myself for the surge of abuse detox. Stay strong love.
Wow! Perfect timing for this video. I just ended a situationship that cost me around $1500 because I felt empathy for an artist and wanted to "manage" him and help him get his art business promoted. I asked the universe for help and thankfully I was released from the situation because he was forced to come clean and could no longer lie to me about his hidden girlfriend. Unfortunately, this person is one of many over my lifetime. What I do is reach behind me and help a man up who is "less fortunate" than myself. I thought I had done enough work on myself to not let that happen again, yet I find myself still doing it. Today is a new day and with one foot in front of the other, I will continue to grow stronger in self-love and take care of myself first instead of adult men who cannot seem to take care of themselves. Sheesh, I see it now as I type this...If an adult male is unable to take care of himself financially or emotionally, that's a red flag for me to say NEXT!!!! They are adults and have no excuse to not be making a living and taking care of themselves. This includes men who are older and retired. Just because a man is retired, he still needs to be doing something to contribute to society and not be sitting home during the day and watching Netflix. My 2 cents 😁
As a guy, I fully agree! Call me old-fashioned, but a guy needs to be able to at least support himself financially before considering dating a woman. Sadly, there are a lot of men today with no shame who will not hesitate to persuade his girlfriend or female friend to support him financially while he does nothing or very little to help himself. Don't fall for it.
@@nicholaslawrence6926 you're correct! A person that cannot financially support themselves is not relationship material. Far too many people think they want and / or deserve a relationship, but they're just not capable of having one as they don't have a healthy relationship with themselves first. A healthy relationship with yourself looks like: taking care of yourself, financial responsibility, no unhealthy addictions, eating as healthy as possible, exercising when possible, setting goals and so forth... how a person takes care of themselves, says a lot about the potential they have to take personal responsibility for themselves and self respect --- which equals how they will respect a partner and potentially care for them too.
This podcast spoke volumes to me. You made a complete breakthrough to me today especially when you talked about how an empathetic person can completely lose sight of who we are …lose sight of our own self worth and what we need in our lives because we are overlooking the destructive patterns of our partner. In my previous relationship I remember crying almost everyday, wondering how I can “help” my partner who was in life despair everyday. I thought that “If I could just get through to him… make him see the person I see” etc etc. I never realized that what I was actually doing was begging for this person to stay in my life because of a need I was searching for. You all hit the nail right on the head. If I had the self confidence and self worth I should have, there would be no way in hell I would ever have seen this person as desirable in the first place. Yes, I still feel terrible for watching this person go through dark times, but you have made me realize that it’s not my responsibility to “fix” them. I did the best I could to be there and it was never enough. You made me realize that a person you truly love should never make you cry every day. My grandmother, who has now since passed, was the one who used to give me life advice and wisdom that went unmatched… until I came upon you, Matthew. Thank you. ❤️🙏🏼
This was spot on! I’m recently out of a relationship with a woman that exhibit many covert narcissistic traits. The first year was amazing before the insecurities really started to show. The subtle signs were there in the beginning but I pushed past them ignoring my instincts. You see their potential as the highs which felt so good compared to all of the lows that you hold on to the hope that the highs will become normal. Even after therapy, the same old patterns returned. The reality is the lows are who they truly are. The highs came less and less frequently over time. Yes, you slowly start to forget what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. The clarity is returning now that the nightmare is over. Fortunately after 2 and a half years, I didn’t loose my self confidence but it took a hit.
@@donnaroosa4469 Time has helped tremendously. Taking the same energy that I once put into the relationship and using it for my own growth and achievements. Also, talking with genuine friends and family that are supportive and just being around people with a positive mindset.
I never knew I was an empath. Oh my god it makes SO MUCH FREAKING SENSE now. No wonder I was so so so badly hurting while the people who cut me off where doing their best. Thank you! Now I can heal properly
I LOVE her! And I love how you brought her into your business, it is a great change to have a female perspective in addition to yours now! Also, I love how you each let each other speak and don’t talk over one another… so many podcasts do that now (even though I don’t think they mean to) drives me 🍌
Thanks Matthew! I just emerged from a relationship where my empathy went beyond my self-respect. Her past and her present had plenty of ground I tread to rationalize on, and when I asked for some consideration she spat in my face and left me for someone else. Of course, I wasn't a saint either, but I owned up to my mistakes and made real improvements whereas she didn't. My empathy compelled me to look past that, and now I feel relieved that she's in my past and I can move forward a little more enlightened.
Thank you for this video. I have been in that kind of relationship, and I could relate to each word of this video. I am still in the recovery process after a number of years. I am glad more and more content can be found on the subject of narcissistic partners, their abusive behaviour, and the dark side of being an empath by allowing all this to happen 'in the name of love'. Speaking up about it could literally save lives more than we imagine.
Wow this really resonated with me and a friendship that I once had. I allowed myself to "feel" for his situation to the point that his trauma had become my own. Empathy can be a blessing and a curse.
AMAZING!!!!! I'm just figuring all this out at age 63. Yes, Audrey, it is heartbreaking. Matthew: That was so on point, when you asked, "What emotion have you not yet expressed that is going to make them change?" Answer: There is none. Their game is OVER.
This video resonates so accurately, it’s really amazing. I’m out of a toxic relationship with a narcissist, not even my own choice. So crazy I’m still hurting while I know I’m better off now.
Overcoming a double-parent narcissistic background, I've honed my radar for toxic relationships. It definitely takes time to see if charming/impressive people are for real. My go-to tip: trust your confusion. If their first impression doesn't line up with their behavior after 6 weeks-2 months (especially after confronting them), cut ties. If they go into a rage/become abusive...be proud of yourself...you've smoked out a toxic relationship. And the faster you go no-contact, protect yourself, and inform your loved ones of the situation, the less damage you'll experience. Inevitably there is damage and regret you'll have to overcome / manage, so be gracious with yourself. But remember dealing with toxic relationships is a CULTURAL NORM. People get what you're going through....
I saced this to listen to everyday. Im planning my exit already but found this. It will remind me what ive already gotten to. My son is depending on me following thru.
Have been through absolutely EVERY emotion. Have now been ghosted by him & am completely left in complete chaos, broken hearted- after about 6 breakups- by him & am in a complete emotional devastation. I gave him 💯 of my love & I believed he loved me & now know it was never real on his part. I was just an object
Delete all reminders of him, try and keep busy with friends that won't remind you of your pain and take time to focus on yourself. It's very hard to forget the good times because they made you so happy but you need to remember that, that was a moment in the past that you need to let go of. You need to focus on the things that weren't perfect or that didn't make you happy. We always remember a lost love as being on a pedestal but they don't deserve that. You would of done anything to be with them yet they couldn't do the bare minimum to stay with you. Block him everywhere you can as they always tend to creep back after a while and that's not fair on you. I'm sorry that you're in pain ❤
I’m going through this now. I find it helps to constantly try to look at the reality and not the fantasy of what “could be” with a narcissist. Always always always keeping the reality front and center has been the antidote to going back for the 5th time in 4 years.
You are describing a relationship with a psychopath or narcissistic person 💯🎯 I’ve been there, I’ve experienced it and it’s awful. Thank God I managed to walk away from the monster. They usually don’t leave you, you are the one who has to make the heartbreaking decision of leaving someone you love with all your heart, but you know it’s not a good person. One of the hardest thing I had to do in my life 😣 it shakes you to the core. It’s true that empathy doesn’t do us any good in such situation. I couldn’t trust myself when I was done, I mean how in the world did I manage to fall in love with such toxic man?
This was so rich and felt very heavy but at the same time very uplifting and freeing. The last year has been extremely eye-opening but with that came many challenging situations In which I finally realized I had more control and responsibility in allowing my empathy to be a downfall rather than a quality I was always proud of. I struggled having a love hate relationship with being an empathetic person. I didn't want to become closed off and guarded so learning how to weave my way through so many challenging situations that ultimately left me feeling hopeless and less than, when I thought I would feel proud and happy, had to come to terms that I was allowing such pain and chaos into my life. It was not easy coming to terms with that bc I then had a choice were I could make such changes around me and stop allowing toxic behavior into my reality. Empathy is a beautiful thing but if it's given to the wrong people can be extremely detrimental on our well being bc we let those wrong people use it against us, weaponizing with our own hearts. Learning how to assert healthy boundaries within and to those around you is the best thing you can do and give back to yourself. Finding that healthy balance bc you raised your self esteem/confidence by putting yourself first and knowing you are worth that, is by far the best gift and love you can give yourself. knowing your worth doesn't mean you are this above others that doesn't care about others. It just means you know what you have to bring to the table and know what you have to offer others but you have created healthy boundaries in knowing just how much or how little to give to those around you and ultimately who deserve your time, energy, and heart. Do not allow yourself to give until it leaves you feeling depleted and allowing them to get the best of you, leaving you bitter and resentful. . Know who is worthy of your time, heart, and energy and make sure to protect those relationships at all cost. Find that healthy balance. It may be hard especially if you have never taken the time to insert certain boundaries but in the long run you will thank yourself for taken that time to invest into your future and be able to look around at the relationships you have in life with such gratitude and appreciation and be able to truly cherish those. Cherish the people around you that can give and receive love in such a deep respectably and mutually beneficial relationship. After all, you deserve such a love and friendship that you have given to others. .
I’ve been feeling the same, I want so badly to get far away from said person but I’m stuck with them unfortunately. It’s assuring to know that I’m not alone in it though. It is horribly draining and exhausting trying to constantly ignore and avoid them. I hope the situation improves for us both soon 💜 if it helps at all, I find that positive affirmations and breathing exercises make it more bearable?
OMG had 31 years of over-empathy and trauma bonding- thanks so much. Really going to be more rational! Deep compassion for myself and changing my narrative at 60. The realisation of always thinking I am defective. Now celebrating my courage to Leave everything behind. I did in body but not in brain! Now is the time. Lots of love xxx
Very important insight, i started crying towards the end. Think i needed to hear this, thank you. And i hope everyone reading this has a lovely day, and that those who are struggling will find the happiness and love they deserve
Damn. What you said once again caught me off, guard. When I was in my previous relationship, I always tried to rationalize and make excuses for their behaviors. I tried damn hard to understand even if they hurt me badly. I stayed because yes, I used to believe, to trust that they one day could change. Everything about them was fine ONLY if some parts could change, everything would be perfect. But yes, I can't change them. They have to be willing to do the work. You're right. I don't know if they will ever change. I can only assume the worst that they NEVER will change to walk away to save myself from this chaos and destruction. Trusting that one day they will change will be the worst bet of my life. Thank you for the wisdom, Matt.
Experienced divorce lawyer here. Do NOT marry someone who you think will somehow change important personality traits. It never works out well for the empathetic person in the end. Divorcing a narcissist can be a brutal, expensive experience. Stay safe! Vet carefully for a long time. I have seen kind empaths get ruined at exit by marrying a covert narcissist.
Thank you for this wise exhortation based on your expertise. Although I have painfully learned from my own experience, this seems to solidify the lesson.
I’m terrified I’m so glad he’s cheating and thinks I don’t know I hope he walks off with her and I can slip out to freedom
@@samz1213 slip out regardless.
Doesn't sound like you're married. Just leave then change your number.
Ducked that luckily. Was going to give her everything. But I stood up for myself too much so she left me. Thank God 🤩
They don’t leave either!!!! They will also return back to hang out with your family and they enter twine themselves so far and your family you can’t get them out and then they don’t know boundaries when you’re trying to move on with your dating life and then so they’re showing up you know at your parents house and then they turn the kids away from you!!! it’s not just about money they want to destroy you. They can’t move on. They want your life. They don’t want you they want your life!!!
"I cannot trust you. I cannot trust you with my heart. I cannot trust you with my time. I cannot trust you with my energy. I cannot trust you with my future. And therefore, I can't let you in the house. Because if I let you in my house, so to speak, you will predictably wreak havoc." - I love this. Well said.
Yes yes...i don't know if u a believer but the Bible says "they creep into houses and overtake silly women ladden with sins" ouch ouch that verse hurts but is it not true? Then it says when u get them out and u let them back in that "they come back stronger bringer 7 more demons with them" ouch ouch that hurts it only made me believe even more it's too true i tell u ☹️🥺😭
Remember fellow empaths - you don’t have to stop being by empathetic to sort out this issue. You just have to be more empathetic to yourself
@@CordeliaWagner I agree. But even without those people, calling oneself a person who has more empathy than others is too cringey for me. Plus, not that 100% of them have issues, but many of them are in fact narcissists being narcissistic and projecting their own emotions onto others, believing they are so good at reading and understanding people. Plus, they are soo interested in reading emotional cues of others because they are insecure and crave control, and they confuse cognitive empathy with affective empathy. So while a self-proclaimed "empath" could turn out to be an empathetic person, ironically they may actually be the opposite: a narc with little or no (affective) empathy. EDIT: Added the last sentence.
Great advice xx
❤️
Damn
Love thiss ❤
"They make you feel guilty for not being empathetic enough" - that hit home.
100
This is also why I don't share my traits with people anymore, they're gonna use it against me someday and I wouldn't even know it
@@writers.note7462 No. Good to see who uses what you say against you. Eventually you'd see it
The moment you feel like your walking on eggshells… that’s it 🛑
The narcissistic rage is also a bluff. Challenge them and see that after their barking and snarling they have nothing to back it up.
Exactly. It's a huge red flag
Never consider a person who has no respect for you. Period !
Indeed. Bravery is leaving a toxic relationship and knowing that you deserve better ❤️
so true and is hard to leave day 13 of no contact for me
@@libbynovotny9979 Stay strong hun ❤️
Day 3 for me but minutes feel like hours❕ 🤦🏼♀️💪🏼
It is the same for me. We broke up two weeks ago. I am being told that "I" am the Toxic one. And it hurts for I tried 6 YEARS to work with this person. She ALWAYS thinks that the glass is half empty and never trusts me. She seems to argue with EVERY man in her life. Unless it's a supervisor at work. The no trust comes from an ex-husband that cheated on her. But that was over 20 years ago. I am struggling now because I'm not trying to push the blame on her, but it's making me think if I really was toxic.
@@libbynovotny9979 😣🙏That's so hard. You are worth getting to day 14...my heart goes out to you. Praying for continued strength for you🥰🙏
This is not just with a partner. This also includes family, friends , etc. I'm here to tell you that you deserve to protect yourself and have boundaries and more. Don't be a person who allows people to make a doormat out of your kindness. You will get run over flat. Any person who enjoys causing you pain Is a person you need to say goodbye to. You deserve peace, joy and happiness even if that means serving yourself that sunshine daily a lot of people don't deserve you. Know your worth when it comes to all kinds of relationships.
Thanks for saying that. This entire video described a rough friendship I've been agonising over for so long
❤ ty
Precisely! Way more difficult when the toxic person is a family member, think for example of an elder narcisistic parent?
ESPECIALLY FAMILY and so called friends, also I'm the only person I do trust what the gaslighting did was ruin my trust in others.
This can also be certain inlaws. Not always mother of father in law but brother and sister in laws. They can damage your own sibling relationship.
‘When someone makes your life that miserable, the good times don’t even have to be that good to feel incredible’ 🤦♀️
This video is utterly amazing MH ❤
Period 💅
Yeah, that one hit me like a ton of bricks.. it's so true
Spoken truth sounds so laud!
That’s so true. It’s like a drug dealer. They give you the nice drug first to get you hooked then give you less and less drug which is less potent till you end up an addict chasing this first highs.
So recognizable! I was shocked at how exactly the same the emotions and situations were described that I’ve found myself in many times.
“When someone makes your life so miserable the good times don’t even have to be that good to feel like they are incredible.”
Man that shook me. Never realized this and how true it is.
The problem with being empathetic is over looking the person's behavior because we are quick to want to understand them .. we need to start having standards to how people act and show up.. we have to stop giving them free passes for showing up and being nasty.. so that's a skill that needs to be stronger .. and working over the guilt for doing so..
Exactly 💯 are you in my head?
Yes this is very true… I tend to feel guilty for even having standards. Like I am in the wrong for having them or trying to have them in the first place. Wise words. Thank you for sharing.
Indeed!
Thanks for the reminder ❤
I’ve dealt with so many toxic people that they have became a habit of mine ...
Toxic people are very good with guilt tripping you, so never feel guilty. Things had to happen the way it did.
When they notice you are leaving them and not giving into their nonsense they get hurt so they try to hurt you first by pulling the card of “I am leaving”.
Understand that they never cared to begin with. Them staying with you was very beneficial for them, because they could start blaming you and hurting you without risking anything knowing that you’ll come back.
you’re the one avoiding conflict every time while they’re being spontaneous am I right?
Honestly, you don’t need them, they try to gaslight you into thinking that they’ve never done you wrong once in their life by milking the sh*t out of that one good situation you both had, but what about all of the other times that they’ve hurt you?
Honestly, just leave.
I’m a survivor of a crappy childhood and a narcissistic abusive husband of 37 years. I finally realized that I hadn’t done anything to deserve this and at 56 I left the marriage. Our children were all grown, living independently and he still raged relentlessly. A narcissists absolutely makes you GRATEFUL for civility… well said!
I too left a narcissist after 39 years at the age of 54. It's tough rebuilding and recovering but thankfully it can be done. After ten years it still feels unlikely I'll ever have an intimate relationship and am still learning about boundaries and putting my own needs first. This video is very helpful. A work in progress. 😊
How do you got the courage suddenly?
I like as if that's the hardest part, getting the courage.
Healing from one's own codependent narcissism starts by taking accountability for one's choices. One gets what one chooses and allows.
@@bramilanThere is no courage ‘suddenly’ - it’s a process of understanding and bringing up your self worth and over time the urge to leave will grow until you are ready to leave. Never do anything until you are stable in your knowing and beliefs and feelings of capability and then create a plan not just to leave but also your first next steps and place to work and/or live. There is no quick fix and after you leave you’ll find there is years of internal (and possible physical) recovery work to process through and be with. So much to this. Nothing will be ‘sudden’ …a very long process of processing and healing and learning to care and love yourself and set boundaries with everyone which obviously alot of empaths never learned was necessary until now. Best wishes dear ones❤
Yes!!!! Narcissists make you grateful for civility. Normal calm living is a real high for me right now. I can relate to your story. I’m 55 and have severed ties with my ex and my narcissistic family--it’s …. melancholy …realizing this calm normal way of life could have been mine if I chose different. Now that I get why I attracted it I know I’ll attract a truly loving and fun mate next time …even if I have to wait until my next life. Oh well. Part of my healing is accepting the turns of my life and keeping on❤
I was always taught to be gentle and love people and care and help and no one ever told me that people take advantage of that and leave you a shell of a person. It has taken me 30 years to finally understand this and now the damage is done...
I take solace in the fact it’s 30 years and not 60 😊
Took me longer than this but there’s still a bunch of time to make use of what we’ve learned
I believe the whole damage, compared to what’s in stock for us, will look minor as time goes on
Kayla, you can heal and rebuild your self-respect & heal your spirit. I can relate to watch you've experienced. See a therapist, execute a zero-tolerance policy on toxic people & build a life you 💖. Love yourself and be happy!🌻✊🏾💕
Indeed...girls/women are more under pressure to put others first, to forgive time & time again...etc.
Exactly! They never tell you about the possibility of pain and hurt from others, but still expect you to keep being wonderful. Until your a shelf of your former self
I’m so glad to not be alone in this. I was not prepared for the realm of hell that is very real on this planet. I was taught to be polite and always had what I needed and was healthy. I was not taught that when others lack what’s important to them and they see that you have it, inevitable lust that some have and some don’t have (all comes down to choice) will make them think of the easiest way to take some from you. They can choose to make it as evil as they want. Be polite, be kind. But have a plan to kill whoever you meet.
You don’t have to literally kill them. But kill the evil shit inside of them. When they think your kindness is weakness and you show them a savage virtue, they’ll be sitting in a world of confusion and hurt. And you’ll feel bad for them and laugh.
People with good hearts are always taken for granted & often exploited. But please remember, never let the goodness inside of you die because of a few bad people. The World needs genuine & compassionate beings ❤
Empathy is feeling another's experience. Compassion is holding space for another's experience. Balance, as always, is vital.
Empathy is the ability to understand how it could make one feel. Being empathic is the ability to feel another's emotions. Two different abilities
Some men have no empathy I swear.
@@weruleyoudrool Some people lack empathy, it's true.
@@LillBitt 😊😊a😊as u can are que ha dado un gran 👵🏽 al frente en un intento del presidente aparte que no 👎 la única solución para los próximos tres
@@LillBittno. You’re talking about cognitive vs emotional empathy.
As a survivor of a 7 year narcissistic abuse relationship, 3 years of that marriage, this is invaluable advice. Empathy is a strength, but can also be your downfall. Empathy must come with boundaries. If your boundaries are overstepped, GET OUT. Please! Empathy can be a great trait in many other situations and in healthy relationships, but your empathy will never change someone who will abuse it. They will only further weaponize it against you to the point they will take everything and destroy you. There’s power in the realization that it’s not your job to fix everyone, there has to be personal responsibility. That manipulative response of “you’re abandoning me, you don’t care that I had A,b, and c happen to me” is so true. Learn the early warning signs and LEAVE
Great points were made in this video, but the title does not match since the point of how to get out of these types of toxic relationships.
This was my relationship with one. I gave alot of empathy, but later they abuse it, I hit the door and was out of there
Empathy is not the problem, Fellowship with the individual is the problem or else all the empathy we have for all the victims of all types of trauma is a waste. I'm a thriver of my past association with a Narcissist, yet I pray for thst person to be healed by my God. Does my empathy drives me back to them; No, but it does help me to not only heal, but to also forgive them and not to become bitter, that I hear a lot of people become, because I also read the bitterness in many comments...
FYI: According to the professionals who researched, studied and treat Narcissist...we all have levels of healthy Narcissism and Narcissism as we know it starts with Mommy...
That's exactly what I am going through right now! I struggle with feeling bad for him to being extremely angry with him for taking advantage of me!
@@JaDe-eh1wp what is a healthy narcissistic???
I’m finding doing this so hard. I hate myself for staying longer than I should
You will come out of it. Closure comes in many different ways. I'm sorry you're hurting 😔
Don’t blame yourself it wasn’t your fault that person is a butthole and has no heart. Always remember You are Beautiful & Worthy of Love….I remind myself of this all the time. ❤
But you should love yourself for leaving. Look how much life you have ahead of you - love yourself for giving yourself that much life freedom
I struggle with the anger too on most days so I hear ya.
Carmen you are not alone, 2 plus years wth a depressed man ,with narc traits and has 3 addictions , smokes, pot and beer!So self absorbed, emotionally immature,cared nothing about me as a person,user and tasker, finally ended on his part and looking on dating sites while we were together!
As someone on the other end of an empathetic person, I completely understand why she left. The unfortunate thing is I didn’t even know until I started working on myself as soon as we broke up. The problem was, well one of the problems was, that I identified as a victim my entire life. I lived off of my trauma. I thought that was who I was always going to be and I needed somebody to magically save me, to heal me, but I didn’t even notice that she was trying to accommodate for those things while I was there, until after I started doing the work and then, retroactively, like an epiphany I saw everything. EVERYTHING. I know she doesn’t trust me. I understand. Not because she told me, but because after going no contact almost immediately I realized that she couldn’t. I love that she’s happy now. I have no anger or resentment for her or her new partner. I’m glad she gets to be herself. I’m not going to put myself in her life again. I HAVE so much work to do. Years and years, but I have hope, and I’m not going to give up. Thank you.
It's refreshing to read that you are looking into working on yourself. I was in a similar situation and I tried to help them see how realising certain things about themselves and that help was available... it's difficult for both people.. anyway, I just wanted to say you deserve happiness too.
Glad to hear you are seeking a path of growth and becoming the best version of yourself
Yes you have much needed work to do on yourself and be honest with yourself and take responsibility..my bf never took responsibility and always called me ungrateful
This is my exact situation and I even feel empathy for you and as result I feel it for him (my partner). Learning how to feel more compassion for myself so that I can walk away and stay away.
What an amazing testimony. So many don’t realize they are victims that are the problem
This sounds like codependency, not prioritizing yourself, your needs and repeatedly settling for crumbs. Definitely a painful pattern, almost like an addiction but it’s possible to overcome. There’s self love and healing on the other side.❤
Think it's more about trauma bonding ( this is what creates an addiction, it's pattern ) and it's effects it can have on your once, healthy self confidence.. it's also about self compassion and self love for sure after it has been unchecked for way to long..
Those who have been through this also have been gaslit to the point they can blame themselves when it's nothing they have done.. it's the pattern of toxic behaviour experienced
There are some similarities to codependency, but codependency does imply a person who is unaware of their worth and/or needs to feel wanted/loved. On the other hand it is definitely possible to not be codependent, know ones own worth, had a healthy happy childhood with perfectly loving parents/family … and then also be accepting of narcissistic abuse because they want that narcissist to feel loved the same way they always been loved because they truly truly care about how other people feel so much it defines who they are as person. They are compelled almost to the point of obsessive compulsive. That is empathy. Codependent person may not be empathetic but just simply have a bad image of themself and therefore put up with narcissistic abuse because that’s the best they think they can get. An empathetic person with no codependency issues would know they are an amazing person while still knowing the narcissistic person deserves to be accepted and loved also.
@@Kittypaws90 The way I like to think of codependency is that it’s a pattern of relationship behaviors that are essentially creating a form of addiction between two people. Due to fears and beliefs we carry about ourselves and the other person. These subconscious fears end up blurring the lines between self identity and personal boundaries, resulting in unhealthy exchanges within the relationship dynamic. I believe if the empathic person is able to give love without getting trapped in that cycle then that means they are not codependent.
@@Melisaosm an empathetic person could strictly get in their own way by getting trapped by their own ‘compulsiveness’ of caring too much about how other people feel. And not wanting to give up on that person. Some people do it because that’s who they are as a person. Some people do it because they believe they are doing Gods work. Especially if it’s a marriage/parent and they are devoted to their religious beliefs and practices and therefore are devoted to that person.
A narcissist taking advantage of that, or an otherwise extremely kind and/or naive person is another way of ending up in the cycle. Another example would be a family member like a child dealing with a narcissistic parent or other family relative. There’s all types of relationship examples with narcissists or narcissistic people.
A lot of people don’t recognize what narcissism is and if they were not a codependent person they can become utterly confused to the point of developing Stockholm syndrome-like tendency which would then make them then appear to be codependent after getting into the relationship. When in actuality they were not codependent (or overly empathetic) but didn’t realize they were dealing in what could be arguably identified as a type of psychological warfare. Making a independent person so confused and start believing they are codependent and that’s why bad things happen. Because they are codependent and if they weren’t then this bad stuff wouldn’t happen. The victim would naturally believe there is something “wrong” about them and codependency would generally fit into that category even though there’s nothing truly wrong with being a codependent person. It’s just in western society everyone is expected to be strong and independent.
Narcissistic people are all about their needs getting met. Whether that is with an empathetic person and/or codependent person, or neither. A person does not have to be empathetic or codependent to get “trapped” in a cycle with a narcissist. It could just be they are trapped by some obligation outside themselves. And sometimes there is no escaping that.
"When someone makes your life so miserable the good times don't even have to be that good." Wow
They use your love against you. Save yourself. Before you lose the ability to love anymore at all.
That's what happened to me
Is that what they're doing when they leave unexpectedly? My ex moved out many times while I was at work . Time and time I begged her to co e back and fix things ...then it would always be my fault eventually that she left again .I started believing I was always wrong ...but I wasn't lying or doing anything of the sort ... I loved her . I'd belive her ,, she'd be there amd love me and then I'd Com home and everything would be gone ..... I Los my leg to cancer and 2 mo the after she left again.when i needed her the most she left .and for some reason I'm sitting every day blaming myself still
It’s so hard to remind yourself that this isn’t love when you’ve gotten so used to it after so long. My favorite quote from this video was when he said “I can’t trust you with my future”
Don’t feel permanently stuck. Escaping this kind of relationship won’t be glamorous but it’s necessary. Go through the motions, and eventually that weight will be lifted. You can be empathetic from a safe distance and without contact. Your peace of mind is so much more important.
Hi ! How do I get over the compassion I have for her ? I am not able to block her as I don’t know the consequences and she knows where I live , what can I do ?
I held out because I didn’t want to start over with someone new. When you spoke about every emotion that there is, I couldn’t gaslight myself any longer. I terminated the relationship and blocked him. It feels like a 100 lbs weight was lifted from my shoulders. Thank you!
It's time that we start being kind and compassionate towards ourselves first.
I can relate to this video a lot. My ex fiancé used to make me feel like my feelings were wrong. He never met my needs, always broke promises and over stepped my boundaries. I felt trapped in the relationship. I eventually got out and now I realise how much he was using me.
l went through this also. Left me destroyed. lm 4 years out if this relationship, but it took a long time to realize he was fake, a narcissist & a user. He went on to use someone else. l feel sorry for her because she has no idea what she's in for down the road
I’m glad you got out. I just ended a six year relationship. He was more concerned about the resources he was losing than losing me. He wasn’t there when I needed him and asked for help which is hard for me. He would watch me struggle and stress out. When I called him out on it, he never took responsibility for his actions. Happy healing to you!
Stop looking at the other person as being a user. Start examining why you let someone use you, don't make excuses for yourself by placing the blame on another person. Another person can only treat you badly if you allow then to, so work out why you allowed it. Dating you love them is not a reason, why do you live an abuser. Do work on your unconscious, your inner critic, your inner child, your childhood trauma, the limiting beliefs gifted to you by poor parenting, work on empowering yourself, standing up for yourself, stop looking at others treatment of you as the issue because it is not. If someone tries to abuse and you punch them in the face they are much less likely to attempt thw same thing again. I am not suggesting that as a tactic, however defending yourself is the number one way to not be abused. Why haven't you been defending yourself?
All this talk of people don't or can't change is not helpful. You as an individual need to change
...ja.
Think this applies not only to romantic relationships. At work, even your family if you have too much compassion it can go too far.
agreed
Absolutely. Have this issue with my parents. I get caught up over how to handle the good and bad times with them.
It's spiritual warfare. So become a warrior and set strong boundaries.
13:55-16:34 harsh reality!!! So very true
Saved for replay. My unhealthy pattern of trying to save, fix, coach or build up someone who is actually hurting me.
Misplaced hope is a dangerous thing! I have wasted literal decades on a toxic relationship with the hope that I could change myself to make the relationship better, then hoped they would change to make the relationship better, then hoped that I was strong enough to maintain the relationship even when nothing changed.
I used to believe in second chances and that anyone at any time could make a turn around. This made me blind to the here and now. What matters is what is happening NOW.
It's weird how society forgets that empathy should be for everyone - and that includes yourself. You have to have empathy for the suffering that has being done to you by this abusive person, and make the decision that you deserve better. You excuse their horrible behaviour? Well, then leave them, and excuse YOUR behaviour by saying to yourself something like "I have had enough, I suffer too much when I'm around this person".
I get it though, I was raised in a household where others were more important than me; I was taught by my mom that other people's wellbeing was more important than my own. But then I understood that I was also a person, and that, as a person, I also deserved respect from others.
This hits so deep. It's crazy to hear someone legitimately describe your life when they don't even know you. I feel so bad (again empathetic 😅) for the people who have experienced this as well. We're gonna make it out ✊🏼
👊
❤
Develop empathy for YOURSELF above all. This helps protect your core--who you are, what matters to you--against any adversary. Learn that others need to PROVE they deserve your empathy for them. That takes time. The best relationships take time to reveal the good and the bad. Anything rushed in a relationship is from EGO, which is one of the great relationship destroyers. Stay safe. And btw, once again, Matthew, you ROCK!
I held out hope for 25 years that my ex husband seeing the errors of his way & change. My ex when he knew that I was on the verge of me leaving him, he'd be on his best behavior. Once he knew that the "storm" he go back to his normal persona. This is called the Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hide syndrome. After 26 of marriage & 30 years of ebduring this, I finally got off this crazy train roller-coaster ride! I've been through all the emotional feelings that is described in this video. Everything that is said in the video is spot on & 💯% correct! I'm 6 years in my healing & personal growth journey. I'm getting closer of feeling like my whole self. In my healing journey, I learned that my family growing up was dysfunctional. That's where my self esteem started to be damaged. Thanks for this video!
This was amazing! I just got out of a relationship that hit every note you mentioned. I still find myself wanting to go back sometimes for the exact reason mentioned along with fear and my own codependency issues. But, you’re right, nothing will ever change and I can do so much better. And if I don’t meet someone good, being alone is better than being with a toxic person
Yeah these people never change, it's a fact.
Well said , being Alone is better. I believe God is always with me .
YES. THIS. I recently went through having to cut ties with someone I considered a friend after years because after being around them in person for a weekend, like the flip of a switch, they changed. Conversations were suddenly very confusing and hard to follow for me, they were saying strange comments out of the blue that were unrelated to the topic we were talking about and they began turning their conversation to very dark comments. It made me horribly uncomfortable so I took a step back, trying to assess the situation to figure out what was going on. They developed targets of blame for EVERYTHING they themselves were doing. It sent a cold chill down my spine and I realized (too late) they were acting like my birth mother who I went no contact from 4 years ago! I came here to see if there is something I am doing to attract these type of people so I can STOP. The best thing was hearing, "Rational Compassion" I love this and am pleased that as a highly empathetic person who has had to embrace darkness to save myself, this is much more how I am now. I have to be. Some people are just so unhealthy for me that I have to stay away from them & not have them as part of my life. I love them but they are not good for me. No matter what traumas a person experienced as a child, as an adult you have a responsibility to seek help and not to take the past out on others. You can not use it as a crutch to justify your bad behavior and mistreatment of others. (I practice what I preach, sought counseling & do not rely on excuses. I hold myself accountable and do not mistreat others.) Not harboring anger toward them doesn't mean I'll allow them back in my life though. Period.
Amen
Love this 😍
i am sorry for your experience, it must had been tough. i am actually wondering how were you able to cut it off. I was about to but i couldn't, got blamed and a lot of things until it hurt me..i want to do something about it because the agony is annoying.
The biggest red flag to an empathetic person is when you care and attention starts to hurt yourself. Empathic people need to learn to pull back and self-invest. You will be called selfish at this point...but you gotta have a strong sense of self and know that is the most loving thing to do.
Yes the empath must learn to switch from others to themselves and never question such a decision.
Everything you all explained is exactly how I experienced it. Empathy is what kept me stuck. Compassion and love for my own well being and realizing that they would never change was my freedom. They tried like hell to sabatoge my leaving and subsequent healing, but once I saw the truth there was no going back. It was a rough road on the way out of that toxic relationship, but it was more promising than a rough road to nowhere staying in it. My life is soooo much better and I am free from feeling guilt for someone else's shit. This was a great topic 👏.
I spent over two years with a narcissist. My huge mistake was thinking that my 'goodness' and compassion would somehow rub off on him. Like my energy would be magically infused into him and he would become a more loving, caring person. How wrong I was. In fact made him worse and worse and the cruelty and almost twisted evil thing is that I learnt was that narcissists hate their victim, hate them for being such idiots to love them. Like a kind of disgust. Of course that's because that's how they truly view themselves. I didn't know that at the time. As you say, extremely damaging and I still find myself drifting into that toxic mode with others I've met since.
You’re so right… they do hate us.. the more we try to make things better the more repulsed they become.
I suffered a long time.
Now I started to recall all this situations, where I was giving and kind to this cruel person and in my mind take this feelings back.
This little exercise is so powerful to me. Taking back my feelings is energizing me. Try it, too and tell me if you find it as helpful as I do.
I've realized at 45 I can't invest feelings anymore into new "relationships" at this age everyone has mental issues and is damaged from life so they project their issues and toxic crap onto others. I've only encountered narcissistic people because there are so many since their relationships never work out long term. I'm not getting attached anymore. A dozen heartbreaks from family, friends and relationships... I'm done. Staying single. 💔🖤
It is definitely harder as you get older. I can totally relate to that. I'm basically the same age as you (44). It feels hopeless sometimes, and my relationships with women have been largely unsuccessful, but you have to be open to the possibility of a good and meaningful one. We accumulate scars with time, but how we deal with them matters. Some of us learn and grow while others remain stuck in the mire/trauma.
I am 10 years in to that and I finally got help to see that I can have a high quality relationship by doing inner work. I now know how to vet people and I have clear boundaries for myself. I want wonderful social connection, not isolation. It is a process.
wow - brutal. I like it but wow.
Your not wrong!
@@tamick2000 im happy for u , wish me the same please :)
I really needed this today. I’ve been struggling to let an ex go. It’s the same pattern every time. You guys listed everything I’ve been going through.
Same - I've just deleted his number. I will not go back this time. I am 58, have known this man for over 10 years as a friend, and romanticly started three years ago. This man has destroyed my self worth and I am angry with myself for allowing an egotistical, emotionally immature player do this. I am working on my self worth to get my confidence in myself back up again. I will not let him destroy my life ... I can finally see the truths and not the fantasy of what I thought he could be ... with my help of course. I should of left the ferrell animal on the side of the road as its taken nearly three years of my life to see that the animal you tried to save just kept biting the person who tried to help - I know if I stay any longer the animal will go for my throat! Oops.
Fantastic video ... I can relate to everything on here. Thanks again for the reminder... He will never change
My weak boundaries were never about low self worth but about compassion as a highly empathetic person who believed people should be forgiven and be given multiple opportunities to let their true self shine. I also took on responsibilities to compensate for actions they wouldn't or couldn't take. Options are sometimes limited when children are involved. You do what you have to do to keep you and them safe physically and emotionally. You can only control what you can control, so much is out of our control. Less contact is probably necessary but it's not an exact science as to how much, especially when you haven't figured out yet how narcisist someone is until years later. Sometimes it's not that two people are actually arguing or fighting, it could just be one person is affecting someone's ability to survive, like interrupting their sleep every day, it's ruthless.
I was nervous at first (because, ya know, change), but Audrey is such an asset to this channel. Literally every time she speaks she’s pointing out something I was hoping would be addressed.
"When somebody makes your life so miserable, the good times don't even have to be that good to feel like they're incredible"...I felt that 😢
Made me very emotional because I was stuck in this situation for 8 months.. Thanks God he ended it, because anytime I tried to end it I couldn't. Took me the same amount of time to heal and now he's reaching again. But now I know better :)
I hope you find the power to stay away. They are good at lovebombing and hoovering even after years.
Lucky for you while I have been stuck in that situation for about 15 years now😥😔😭
Been stuck for 4 years, my gut telling me to leave but i can't 😣 i feel like i will lose what i invested emotionally
I forgot one crucial thing: my psychologist was a big part of it. So I recommend everyone to at least try that. Maybe you won't be able to leave instantly (like i wasn't), but after some time you will find the strength. 💜
I was stuck for YEARS with this last guy that I felt too guilty to leave...and I finally left and I can't believe how HAPPY I feel to finally love myself again!!!
As someone who is an empath that was married to a narcissist for 9 years, this video couldn’t be anymore accurate. Everything you said was so on point.
Our society pushes people to stay in relationships to such a point that people are scared of being single. It's okay to love at a far.
I would never be in a relationship again.too much baggage at my age.heck 15 years ago I thought the same,gave it a try with my old High school sweetie and what a mess. Never again.
Currently I’m just trying to understand why I continued in the relationship for 10years…there is no upside …it was a total waste of time. But then I left it a few days,…..and now realise it’s taught me about myself and how I manage relationships / lack of boundaries and now it’s inspired to improve and grow and role model that to my daughter…so although still down 10years ….I feel a bit better and know it will never happen again in any shape or form - adult child, friends, elderly parents , colleagues or boss.
Thank,you
Cut 'em off. 💯
I don't look at people who I know are negative and toxic. If you show me that you're negative, I will no longer seek to have anything to do with you, including look at you.
Because I know that the eyes are the window to a person's spirit. Some people are walking around with demons in their spirit, and energy transfers, even with a look.
I learned a long time ago that they all smile in your face, and gossip behind your back. I don't play that fake love/ fake shit. 💯
It is heartbreaking to wake up and realize that there are people who see that empathetic trait in you and abuse it. It took decades to realize what's happening. This isn't just a relationship thing. Parents need to be able to recognize in their children and address it because this causes problems at work, with friends, and in love.😔
I don’t normally leave comments but this video hit HARD. Thankfully, I got out of my toxic relationship but I still catch myself trying to rationalise their behaviour months afterwards.
Just leave a narcissist right away. Just Trust your gut
I’ve lived this, 8 years of hell, pushed to the brink where I literally had a rope around my neck ready to end it. Fortunately I finally realised even that wouldn’t have made a difference and he wouldn’t have cared , would have just moved on to the next target.
Taken 6 years to work through the aftermath but have finally regained my life and sense of self worth. This has helped explain so many things as to why I put myself in that situation in the first place. Thank you for helping me with closure 🙏🏻
Wow do I love how Audrey said it. Being an emphatic person in relationships is so hard. Men make me feel awful when feelings are involved. I would believe everything they said knowing deep down it was lies. A mentor once told me that I should feel bad for myself. Not them. Changed my whole perspective. I feel bad for my past self that I put myself through so much.
You go move forward create a better life , God bless 🌻
This perfectly describes a relationship I just got out of and stayed in way too long. Great video, guys!
It’s so hard to shift gears after a few decades trying to figure out wtf is going on in a covert situation.
Ditto
I really feel this when she says that the good times feel better than they should. I’ve just been in a toxic relationship and really fighting not to let this person back in my life but sometimes the good moments come back in my head…and it is a struggle but I think I will be strong this time. I blocked him , I don’t want any contact… good luck to everyone, it is hard!
I know how that feels, I blocked my daughter after no more fathers day, or birthday wishes as she never texted back.
My dad is a narcissist, I can easily relate to what it feels like. He manipulated my mom to an extent, exploited our life and those golden years. Now he is ageing and he is still the same, no emotions and no remorse for his actions. I came to know about this when I started watching his actions and the way he destroyed my job, and how he was happy for my loss.
My dad never sacrificed his needs, and happiness for us and those 35 years of my mom's devoted love towards him. we were in hell. It was so hard to let my mom understand that he is not what she believes and it took my courage to pull her out of his grip.
Sorry to hear about your experience... My story is precisely the other way around, my mother was the offender me and my brother s were used as her weaponry against my father. Yes we too know what Hell looks like!! Only way to find some peace is keeping distance from this type of personalities no matter who they are!
@@ChooseTruthAlways agreed 💯
I am so sorry you went through this! I find your perspective interesting from the perspective of a child of the toxic person. Thank you for sharing!!!
My dad was like this as well. Then later as an adult I learned he also likely has other severe mental illnesses. Still doesn’t make it easier to deal with and the damage of having that kind of parent is done
Another wonderful video - I love what she said, when no one makes sure we are ok, they are not showing up ….and we are asking for trouble. Using our past experiences to justify bad behavior is just wrong. Stop playing the victim and take control. Feeling “used” because people love tapping into the love and understanding we have, but find excuses why they can’t give us the same. Don’t buy what they are selling, they will create a mini addict in us. It’s not sustainable, it’s not healthy and it speaks volumes about who they are inside.
Just so spot on. The quicksand. Losing all confidence. The White Castle burger when you're starving in the desert. Forgetting what a normal relationship even looks like. How they turn your empathy against you when you 'abandon them.' You've addressed it all so clearly - it helps me to hear it articulated so well (the trauma bond still clouds my thinking.) Thank you - this is very reassuring.
“Grateful for civility.” - you nailed it, Matthew. Sadly I was there, right there. Grateful for the good days. It’s been 4 weeks since I ended the relationship with a habitual liar and manipulator. I miss the good days, which were really, really good but happy I don’t have to go through the bad days where I was usually gaslit
For me it was wonderful in the beginning. When it got bad, he claimed it will get better again.. It never got better.
I love White Castle! And I’m grateful for this video. Many of us crave for love too because we never received it as children and you continue to subconsciously manifest the same people. And you continue to pour love after the love bombing stopped. We are so hungry for love and so programmed to take care of others and you don’t know what you need at all.
Love this video. Thank you. Many people are trapped in toxic relationships and it’s very hard to get out because of the highs & lows.
Yes spot on about holding onto the good times, as they can be really lovely. It's not the abuse that makes us want to go back/take them back, it's the good times, the highs, the promise of an amazing future, feeling seen, understood, etc, etc. It wasn't all terrible...but ultimately, it was an illusion, a relationship based on lies 😕
All empathic people should watch this video. The advice is invaluable ❤
It doesn't mean that if you understand it intellectually, that you have to put up with it. Thanks guys ❤
This, amongst several other videos of Matthew’s and others in this field of study, have caused a perpetual, overwhelming awakening in me and to what my contributions to a slowly drifting apart union, separation, and now divorce from the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
Why would someone continue to stay in a prison serving a life sentence when the cell door is open?
Her courage to leave the relationship, against her moral fiber and beliefs has me absolutely awestruck.
She is stronger than she can ever know. Stronger than I could ever know.
It’s crazy how while my heart feels like it’s been ripped out, I am actually grateful to her for the kick in the a$$ I have much needed. She saved my life.
Sure, to some reading this, it may sound like another bull$hit line to try and get back “in the house” again. But I wouldn’t ask that of her. The chips have fallen where they may. I have made my own bed and now lay in it alone.
I can wallow in sorrow, carry on about how all women are bitches while drowning in a bottle.
Or, I can choose to change. I do believe you can’t change someone, but if they have the will to change, they can and will.
It’s now my opportunity to try and have half of her courage to do the deep dive, introspective exorcising of what demons in me that would keep me blinded to the jerk I was becoming while in my own pity party.
I know with the right professional help, with the correct motivator, (pain can be one heckuva motivator) and the grace of God, there are undesirable patterns of behaviors that can be altered.
So to all of those husbands or boyfriends out there that may have stumbled upon these videos before you’ve lost the best thing to have happened to you, get your $hit together and own your contribution. Don’t be the same old stupid boy like me that Keith Urban sings of. Because when she figures out she can run, she’ll be “long gone, long gone……”
I have been way too empathetic. For the last 5 years I was trapped in toxic relationships. I am now beginning to break free and I am so happy. Thank you.
Do not expect the person to change. It really HIT me. Uneasy truth 😢😂😅
When this podcast came out, I deliberately missed an exit or two to have several sections of it on repeat, including this one, because it broke the silence on what MUST be cast light on. It is not about being selfish, it is about recognising when all too many are bleeding out for each other and ruining themselves in the process. Those who have THAT FRIEND or family member who is always five minutes from breakdown and burnout will know how pointless the pursuit of relational martyrdom is - conscious or unconscious. Thank you so much for this podcast specifically. Looking forward to the retreat.
Hey could you tell me which episode this one is from? Thank you ☺️
This man understands how destructive toxic people can be. He is speaking so much truth. Not just a partner...family members as well. This is truly insightful.
It is crucial to always review your relationship with people important to you rationally. Don’t be afraid of cutting any of them off if thing goes fundamentally against you. In many cases the earlier you cut loss the better
This hit me like an arrow through my heart. Exactly what I've been going through for 14 years, and still stuck. Planning to leave soon, God willing, I've hit my empathetic limit. This video is encouraging, thank you!!!
How are you doing? Did you leave?
May you find the strength and self compassion to do it
I just left my husband, I have had enough of being imprisoned by him , good luck
We suffered almost at the same time. Practiced Gray Rock method for about 2 years. He got bored with me and now he just cheated and when I found out he ghosted me without any word. 2 weeks now, bracing myself for the surge of abuse detox. Stay strong love.
Wow! Perfect timing for this video. I just ended a situationship that cost me around $1500 because I felt empathy for an artist and wanted to "manage" him and help him get his art business promoted. I asked the universe for help and thankfully I was released from the situation because he was forced to come clean and could no longer lie to me about his hidden girlfriend. Unfortunately, this person is one of many over my lifetime. What I do is reach behind me and help a man up who is "less fortunate" than myself. I thought I had done enough work on myself to not let that happen again, yet I find myself still doing it. Today is a new day and with one foot in front of the other, I will continue to grow stronger in self-love and take care of myself first instead of adult men who cannot seem to take care of themselves. Sheesh, I see it now as I type this...If an adult male is unable to take care of himself financially or emotionally, that's a red flag for me to say NEXT!!!! They are adults and have no excuse to not be making a living and taking care of themselves. This includes men who are older and retired. Just because a man is retired, he still needs to be doing something to contribute to society and not be sitting home during the day and watching Netflix. My 2 cents 😁
As a guy, I fully agree!
Call me old-fashioned, but a guy needs to be able to at least support himself financially before considering dating a woman.
Sadly, there are a lot of men today with no shame who will not hesitate to persuade his girlfriend or female friend to support him financially while he does nothing or very little to help himself.
Don't fall for it.
@@nicholaslawrence6926 you're correct! A person that cannot financially support themselves is not relationship material. Far too many people think they want and / or deserve a relationship, but they're just not capable of having one as they don't have a healthy relationship with themselves first. A healthy relationship with yourself looks like: taking care of yourself, financial responsibility, no unhealthy addictions, eating as healthy as possible, exercising when possible, setting goals and so forth... how a person takes care of themselves, says a lot about the potential they have to take personal responsibility for themselves and self respect --- which equals how they will respect a partner and potentially care for them too.
@@MsGlamourcat Very well said!
You’re right
This podcast spoke volumes to me. You made a complete breakthrough to me today especially when you talked about how an empathetic person can completely lose sight of who we are …lose sight of our own self worth and what we need in our lives because we are overlooking the destructive patterns of our partner. In my previous relationship I remember crying almost everyday, wondering how I can “help” my partner who was in life despair everyday. I thought that “If I could just get through to him… make him see the person I see” etc etc. I never realized that what I was actually doing was begging for this person to stay in my life because of a need I was searching for. You all hit the nail right on the head. If I had the self confidence and self worth I should have, there would be no way in hell I would ever have seen this person as desirable in the first place. Yes, I still feel terrible for watching this person go through dark times, but you have made me realize that it’s not my responsibility to “fix” them. I did the best I could to be there and it was never enough. You made me realize that a person you truly love should never make you cry every day. My grandmother, who has now since passed, was the one who used to give me life advice and wisdom that went unmatched… until I came upon you, Matthew. Thank you. ❤️🙏🏼
Beautiful comment. Hits home
This was spot on! I’m recently out of a relationship with a woman that exhibit many covert narcissistic traits. The first year was amazing before the insecurities really started to show. The subtle signs were there in the beginning but I pushed past them ignoring my instincts. You see their potential as the highs which felt so good compared to all of the lows that you hold on to the hope that the highs will become normal. Even after therapy, the same old patterns returned. The reality is the lows are who they truly are. The highs came less and less frequently over time. Yes, you slowly start to forget what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. The clarity is returning now that the nightmare is over. Fortunately after 2 and a half years, I didn’t loose my self confidence but it took a hit.
Any advice on how you coped after you left feels awful right now ...?
@@donnaroosa4469 Time has helped tremendously. Taking the same energy that I once put into the relationship and using it for my own growth and achievements. Also, talking with genuine friends and family that are supportive and just being around people with a positive mindset.
I'm there I just find it near impossible to say goodbye and cut them off
Relatable, the highs come less and less frequently over time. That’s why you don’t recognize it in the beginning!
I never knew I was an empath. Oh my god it makes SO MUCH FREAKING SENSE now. No wonder I was so so so badly hurting while the people who cut me off where doing their best. Thank you! Now I can heal properly
I LOVE her! And I love how you brought her into your business, it is a great change to have a female perspective in addition to yours now! Also, I love how you each let each other speak and don’t talk over one another… so many podcasts do that now (even though I don’t think they mean to) drives me 🍌
Thanks Matthew! I just emerged from a relationship where my empathy went beyond my self-respect. Her past and her present had plenty of ground I tread to rationalize on, and when I asked for some consideration she spat in my face and left me for someone else. Of course, I wasn't a saint either, but I owned up to my mistakes and made real improvements whereas she didn't. My empathy compelled me to look past that, and now I feel relieved that she's in my past and I can move forward a little more enlightened.
Thank you for this video. I have been in that kind of relationship, and I could relate to each word of this video. I am still in the recovery process after a number of years. I am glad more and more content can be found on the subject of narcissistic partners, their abusive behaviour, and the dark side of being an empath by allowing all this to happen 'in the name of love'. Speaking up about it could literally save lives more than we imagine.
Wow this really resonated with me and a friendship that I once had. I allowed myself to "feel" for his situation to the point that his trauma had become my own. Empathy can be a blessing and a curse.
AMAZING!!!!! I'm just figuring all this out at age 63. Yes, Audrey, it is heartbreaking.
Matthew: That was so on point, when you asked, "What emotion have you not yet expressed that is going to make them change?"
Answer: There is none. Their game is OVER.
Literally got a text from my ex as I open UA-cam and this video appears. THANK YOU
I’d rather be alone than be around people that drain my spirit.
Amen! 🙏
This video resonates so accurately, it’s really amazing. I’m out of a toxic relationship with a narcissist, not even my own choice. So crazy I’m still hurting while I know I’m better off now.
Overcoming a double-parent narcissistic background, I've honed my radar for toxic relationships. It definitely takes time to see if charming/impressive people are for real. My go-to tip: trust your confusion. If their first impression doesn't line up with their behavior after 6 weeks-2 months (especially after confronting them), cut ties. If they go into a rage/become abusive...be proud of yourself...you've smoked out a toxic relationship. And the faster you go no-contact, protect yourself, and inform your loved ones of the situation, the less damage you'll experience. Inevitably there is damage and regret you'll have to overcome / manage, so be gracious with yourself. But remember dealing with toxic relationships is a CULTURAL NORM. People get what you're going through....
I saced this to listen to everyday. Im planning my exit already but found this. It will remind me what ive already gotten to. My son is depending on me following thru.
Have been through absolutely EVERY emotion. Have now been ghosted by him & am completely left in complete chaos, broken hearted- after about 6 breakups- by him & am in a complete emotional devastation. I gave him 💯 of my love & I believed he loved me & now know it was never real on his part. I was just an object
Delete all reminders of him, try and keep busy with friends that won't remind you of your pain and take time to focus on yourself. It's very hard to forget the good times because they made you so happy but you need to remember that, that was a moment in the past that you need to let go of. You need to focus on the things that weren't perfect or that didn't make you happy. We always remember a lost love as being on a pedestal but they don't deserve that. You would of done anything to be with them yet they couldn't do the bare minimum to stay with you. Block him everywhere you can as they always tend to creep back after a while and that's not fair on you.
I'm sorry that you're in pain ❤
I’ve also just been there and the ghosting. You’re free now 😊✨
Rational compassion > empathy. Amazing, thank you!
I’m going through this now. I find it helps to constantly try to look at the reality and not the fantasy of what “could be” with a narcissist. Always always always keeping the reality front and center has been the antidote to going back for the 5th time in 4 years.
You are describing a relationship with a psychopath or narcissistic person 💯🎯
I’ve been there, I’ve experienced it and it’s awful. Thank God I managed to walk away from the monster. They usually don’t leave you, you are the one who has to make the heartbreaking decision of leaving someone you love with all your heart, but you know it’s not a good person. One of the hardest thing I had to do in my life 😣 it shakes you to the core. It’s true that empathy doesn’t do us any good in such situation. I couldn’t trust myself when I was done, I mean how in the world did I manage to fall in love with such toxic man?
Oh please as if they show you the toxic side during the initial phase ..
This was so rich and felt very heavy but at the same time very uplifting and freeing. The last year has been extremely eye-opening but with that came many challenging situations In which I finally realized I had more control and responsibility in allowing my empathy to be a downfall rather than a quality I was always proud of. I struggled having a love hate relationship with being an empathetic person. I didn't want to become closed off and guarded so learning how to weave my way through so many challenging situations that ultimately left me feeling hopeless and less than, when I thought I would feel proud and happy, had to come to terms that I was allowing such pain and chaos into my life. It was not easy coming to terms with that bc I then had a choice were I could make such changes around me and stop allowing toxic behavior into my reality. Empathy is a beautiful thing but if it's given to the wrong people can be extremely detrimental on our well being bc we let those wrong people use it against us, weaponizing with our own hearts. Learning how to assert healthy boundaries within and to those around you is the best thing you can do and give back to yourself. Finding that healthy balance bc you raised your self esteem/confidence by putting yourself first and knowing you are worth that, is by far the best gift and love you can give yourself. knowing your worth doesn't mean you are this above others that doesn't care about others. It just means you know what you have to bring to the table and know what you have to offer others but you have created healthy boundaries in knowing just how much or how little to give to those around you and ultimately who deserve your time, energy, and heart. Do not allow yourself to give until it leaves you feeling depleted and allowing them to get the best of you, leaving you bitter and resentful. . Know who is worthy of your time, heart, and energy and make sure to protect those relationships at all cost. Find that healthy balance. It may be hard especially if you have never taken the time to insert certain boundaries but in the long run you will thank yourself for taken that time to invest into your future and be able to look around at the relationships you have in life with such gratitude and appreciation and be able to truly cherish those.
Cherish the people around you that can give and receive love in such a deep respectably and mutually beneficial relationship. After all, you deserve such a love and friendship that you have given to others. .
The fact that everything you said is 100% spot on about the person I’ve had this weird toxic connection with is blowing my mind right now lol.
This is where I am now.. knowing / understanding all this … but being stuck.. stuck by circumstances… in this draining toxic cycle
I’ve been feeling the same, I want so badly to get far away from said person but I’m stuck with them unfortunately. It’s assuring to know that I’m not alone in it though. It is horribly draining and exhausting trying to constantly ignore and avoid them. I hope the situation improves for us both soon 💜 if it helps at all, I find that positive affirmations and breathing exercises make it more bearable?
Think I’m stuck too. Don’t even know anymore 😢
25 years of my life. I’m finally out the door. Thank you for your content.
OMG had 31 years of over-empathy and trauma bonding- thanks so much. Really going to be more rational! Deep compassion for myself and changing my narrative at 60. The realisation of always thinking I am defective. Now celebrating my courage to
Leave everything behind. I did in body but not in brain! Now is the time. Lots of love xxx
I always say: just because I can explain it doesn't mean I can excuse it
I could have listened to an hour of this. Amazing topic. “Rational compassion.” Love it.
Very important insight, i started crying towards the end. Think i needed to hear this, thank you.
And i hope everyone reading this has a lovely day, and that those who are struggling will find the happiness and love they deserve
Damn. What you said once again caught me off, guard. When I was in my previous relationship, I always tried to rationalize and make excuses for their behaviors. I tried damn hard to understand even if they hurt me badly. I stayed because yes, I used to believe, to trust that they one day could change. Everything about them was fine ONLY if some parts could change, everything would be perfect. But yes, I can't change them. They have to be willing to do the work. You're right. I don't know if they will ever change. I can only assume the worst that they NEVER will change to walk away to save myself from this chaos and destruction. Trusting that one day they will change will be the worst bet of my life. Thank you for the wisdom, Matt.