Is the Person You’re Dating a Narcissist?
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- Опубліковано 10 вер 2022
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I’ve carefully designed these 7 steps to address the stages you’ll go through-in the exact order they’re likely to arrive. And while we all know this process can take an enormous amount of time to put into action, I hope these steps will serve as a compass that will keep you pointed toward your strength (in spite of any distractions the narcissist may try to throw your way).
I also hope this video provides you with strength, acceptance, peace, and progress as you finally move on with your life and remember what it feels like to be free from the coercive control of the narcissist in your life.
P.S. Even if you’re not in this situation, learning these principles in advance may save you a lot of time and grief down the road. And if you are going through this right now? Please know you’re not alone. I’m right here with you.
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I am doing this NOW. I went radical acceptance, I lived homeless for 8 months in my mini van, finished my Advanced Paralegal Certificate with honors and graduated just 3 weeks ago. I bought a trailer and I am putting it on a spot on the 1st, just in time for winter. I AM MAKING IT!!!
You go girl. 🎉🎉🎉
Congratulations!!💪🏼
I wish you everything you ever needed. Most of all I wish you love and happiness. You deserve it.
So proud of you❤
You go Roberta!!! You are a strong woman and you should be proud of yourself!!!! That's awesome girl!!!!
“If you stay it’s gonna be incredibly difficult. If you leave it’s gonna be incredibly difficult. But one of those paths has guaranteed misery. And one of them opens up a world of possibility in terms of your happiness. Which difficulty are you gonna choose.” That's what I thought too. Thank you😇
yes God bless you ❇️🌞✳️🙏 concur with you completely :-We just don't n probably never will understnd why nrcissists do this
Apparently everyone exits their presence in the end But they still fail 2see their part or why this is happening 2them
So extreMely mind boggling heart ❤️ wrenching
They wish to own us hence them throwing away items which are given 2us by others whom love us Plus the things which reminds us how loved we are n the items which are impertive to us feeling good re ourselves Bare essentils you know?Sooo horrendously disgustingly controlling
Hope you're in a better place now God bless you+yours🌞✳️🌞✳️🌞✳️🙏
@@mes1220 Sam Vaknin - search him.
Basicly one of the most educating profesors that can tell us from the kitchen side how its all building inside a narcist.
Interview with Richard Granon is incredible in many aspects.
In case you wanted to know, which opens that hidden ... Perspective
@@czapik90 Dear God bless you Thank you so extremely much for your response insight enlightenment Seems extremely wise full of the wisdom we require in order to exist
I can't,leave the nrcissist @ Moment,not in position to So I require Methods to co-exist @ present Moment
I will check these out
I'm guessing they're both on UA-cam?God bless Much love2you+yours🌞✳️🌞✳️🌞✳️🙏🌞✳️🙏
@@czapik90 Greetings good Morning dear Hope you're very well Happy n healthy Is there one interview in particular of theirs you would recommend pleese dear?🌞✳️🌞✳️🌞✳️🙏
Staying is incredibly difficult but leaving is not an option in Indian society. Narcissists have a team of enablers who are even worse and who are getting some feed or advantage from each other. You can never actually catch them red handed doing all these. Narcissists have sharp sense that you no longer is unaware and they cant show rage anymore, hence they become mad and try harmless but annoying tactics. They will show a red bag but buy a blue instead, tell they will make veggie rice for breakfast and then again change plans. Super annoying but harmless so that they dont get caught. Also a certain section of people in sexually repressed India gets over the top attention - women with a pretty face. Simps lick their feet. When these simps sees the reality over time, they also become toxic but remain stupid like before.
1. assume this person will never change
2. Too much empathy can be dangerous. Don't try to understand their situation and analyze their childhood all the time. Don't endure everything. At some point, empathy has to hit the floor
3. Do not allow your empathy to become the cover of your fear
4. We have to be willing to light the fuse that blows up our own lives. I'm accepting who I am and resetting my image. Accepting who you are is progress. Happiness comes from progress.
5.when you begin to freak out about making this tough choice in your life, your mind will trick you into thinking the status quo isn't so bad
6. you have to connect with the idea that if you remain where you are, you will never be happy and never at peace
7. realize that both paths will be terribly difficult, but only one of them leaves a possibility of your future happiness
I left my ex boyfriend 3 weeks Ago . The best decision on my life . He kicked me out of the house just before Christmas ( that was the 3rd and last time) , and 2 days after that calling me and beginning to come back . Never Again!!! I felt sorry for him , because of his childhood and all the bad things that happened to him .... He was treating me like a Dog ,even though I was looking after his child and house . Never said thank you!!!
Stay away!!
@@MegaSylvia111 but why did you go back after he kicked you out the first time?
@@Princess15732 probably because she cares and was living in fear. Possibly threatened by him!!!
Living with someone who's controlling, narcissistic =mental abuse and I'm going down my own path after 38years 😰little steps at a time
@@Princess15732 thats what narcissists does, they have unusually sharp sense and they look through emotional weakness and then they start their game. Many times they are very good at shifting blame and making other person feel guilty hence they keep returning back. Its all about playing games for them without any productive outcome. Dont give them any hint to your inner emotions. Keep things superficial. Dont increase their curiosity by cutting them off or trigger them by showing a poker face always.
Narcissists are not fit to form healthy relationships, but they need extra care. If you feel you want to care, form a community of healthy people and try not to deal alone.
❤to anyone who is healing from narcissist people I wish you all the power you need to grow to an even stronger version of you💪🏻
“If you stay it’s gonna be incredibly difficult. If you leave it’s gonna be incredibly difficult. But one of those paths has guaranteed misery. And one of them opens up a world of possibility in terms of your happiness. Which difficulty are you gonna choose.” 👌👏🙌🏻❤️❤️❤️ Brilliant, thank you🙏
For me when I left the abuser, it was much easier to live without constant stress, worries and anxiety!! I only wish that I broke off the terrible relationship sooner!!
Yessss
One Will waste years of Your Life.
I wasted 19 years and then He discarded me. Tried to Hoover me back.
I researched and stayed Gone.
I am a Warrior Now! HG Tudor
Rule Number one-- when you know You Go.
Stay Strong!!
@@DavidSmith-ki2we p
How do you get over the pain of the abuse and betrayal though?
I kept myself a prisoner in a toxic relationship until he hurt me so badly emotionally that I was forced to leave. He thought I wouldn't because of how many times I allowed it to continue in the past. This video gave me so much peace in knowing I did the right thing and life can still go on. It's not too late. And I hope if you are going through it, you find the courage to leave.
I’m super proud of you!!!!!! ❤
Same here 100%
Me too
I told him about a year before I left, "Oh there will be life after Pete." And I am slowly realizing the truth of that it is hard at times I still miss the good times but the relationships for him always in the same badly for the other person or the cat who he left behind when he moved to California for fortune fame and to marry a new girl I feel sorry for her because I know she's going to find out what I already know I dodged the bullet I think it'll be too late for her and that is a sad thought but for her when it comes time there will be life after Pete.
All I gotta say is goodbye horses🕺🏽
“trade my empathy for distant compassion” best line in this video 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
That is brilliant! I’m over one year out and still feel empathy and I shouldn’t because he’s always had none for me.
True 👍
Please give a few examples of real world emotions and how they look like as distant compassion.
@@Satarupa902 Are you folks licensed therapists, because my insurance should pay for it.
I look at my toxic Narcassist as a gift of the biggest lesson of my life of self-awareness! 🙏🏽💗🙏🏿
She went through her experience and found deeper meaning for herself in it. She seems more free and in tune with herself now. Who are you to correct her and tell her what to experience and what is appropriate.
@@CordeliaWagner sometimes gifts come in the most terrible packages. experiences with these people are not pleasant but often times a gateway to self improvement and personal growth. it's not about the other person, but you 😌
Me too... Now I don't know if it's a gift or a curse
Same,12years later ,the facilitator of so much learning and eyes opened forever.
She was nearly perfect. Style, same life goals and interests, my perfect body time preference, our large dogs even loved each other. She checked every box. We even developed our relationship equally. She would say she likes something and I would like it too but never said it so I knew it wasn’t some manipulation. It was genuinely perfect.
I gave my time, energy, money, and love. Then after a time She followed the classic formula for a covert narcissist. Saying things like “things will be better after this.” Then there was always something that come up as a excuse for why she wasn’t putting in the effort she used to, not being as sexual, not being as energized or excited to do things together. All the while justifying her lack of effort, but still expected the same level of effort from me.
I struggled setting my own boundaries and we ended up in and off and on again relationship. She would do something disrespectful, I’d say it hurt me, her ego would get bruised, and it would spiral into a breakup. I’ve finally left for good after she lied about going to a party, didn’t invite me because she didn’t want to deal with the drama of telling her friends we were back together, and then was completely unapologetic about how that was disrespectful to me.
During that conversation I saw the real her. Gaslighting, silent rage, apathy. Absolutely zero regret.
I have blocked her on everything and am dealing with the rollercoaster of “maybe I was wrong” and “I was right to leave”
Videos like these always come at the perfect time. Thank you.
Update: Turns out, she was seeing her ex. New lesson, if their ex is still around, leave and don’t look back.
I feel you. This was my same experience. And it makes you question your own sanity, and maybe even if you’re the one with the problem.
I know your pain brother, hang in there
Same, we had such a chemistry, very similar taste en almost every aspect of life, but.... He grow apart then i found out that he chose to see other girl and left me stood up. So much pain. I'm in the path of recovery 😞
I sensed this all too, it's too hurtfull. Sometimes I question myself too but then I realize the whole relationship has been 1 rollercoaster of emotions. While I was grieving every break up he was partying with his family and friends to patch up with me after 2 weeks of pain. everytime I gave in, but now I see clearly the mental damage this relationship has cost me. It's time to choose for myself but it hurts..☆
I appreciate all the men chiming in with their own stories from the other side otherwise most of the comments are from women and it makes you wonder what has gone wrong with men?! Good to know women are just as flaky.
I finally got out when I realized that I couldn’t live this way 5-10-15 years down the road. Getting out was so hard. Many sleepless nights and lots of tears. But 3 months out and I can feel the life coming back into my eyes. It’s worth getting out. I promise.
I had that moment, I said to myself can I stay with this person for another twenty years the answer was no. Been a painful experience but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
You will get through this! Take each day as it comes ❤️
Thank you ❤
Broke up with mines this past Sunday. I knew it was the right thing but I'm so depressed I almost feel like going back 😕
Yes 3 months here🎉❤
As a therapist and someone who went through all these stages personally, I have to say this video is the most important I’ve seen on the subject of how and why to leave, even though it is a brutal process. Thank you.
I agree 100%. I think it also applies to a relationship with anyone who breadcrumbs or gaslights... an avoidant...not just partners who have narcissistic tendencies.
@@ColleenBarlow As someone who has experienced all these toxic manipulative behaviours from first my own mother, then on into past and present relationships I must agree. Acceptance is what I practiced to keep my sanity intake.
@@sherryannesimon5325 I, too, had a mother who treated me so badly and then more recently an avoidant boyfriend. It really hurts. Hugs
Your a 100 % correct! I will always choose myself , healing within is everything !
Jill Shinn,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
I finally woke up and took off the rose colored classes and left after 12 years with a narc.
I was thinking of ending the unhealthy relationship since along time and I watched the video every
Point hit me
I just send her a text so I don’t want to see her ever
@@applefan81 it’s really hard to do. Took me 12 years. But it’s harder to stay and be really unhappy. Good luck.
@@applefan81 how did you know she was a narc? I think i am dealing with a narc male 😔
Took me 10 years and know how tough it was for you and what you’re going /went through! Way to go and stay strong!
Me too here ...i left after 12 years . I became a doormat.the abuse kept on going on . I feel like i was going to die last November.
Took a long time to break free. All the understanding, compassion, empathy, loyalty and love cannot change these people. They will always be toxic
Excellent video Matthew. Cuts to the core.
After a 38 year relationship I was looking down an abyss while having a panic attack. All these years thinking kids will grow up, we’ll retire, things will be better. Then to accept the reality of nothing was going to change. I had to scream in the car where no one could hear me. He wasn’t going to change. I would still be in service to him while he did as he pleased. Sometimes I was included and sometimes not. Some good memories but more bad. The endless lying, the mind games, the manipulation. I didn’t deserve it. But being alone isn’t what I thought my future would be.
I confronted him and his response “You can’t end a 38 year relationship! We have to help each other!” I was the one helping him. He wasn’t there for me.
I made the painful choice of removing him from my home while he was out of town. I cut off all communication. As hard and emotional as it was I had to end it. To stay with him would mean I would still be in service to him. I was such a loyal, Care giving, empathic person. Exactly what he wanted. For what ever time I have left….. I chose me.
There is nothing more heartbreaking than by spending years in a relationship with a narcissist only to fall for a covert narcissist. I don’t even know what love is at this point.
Same journey here. When you think you've figured out the red flags, then get suckered in by what seems like the exact opposite.. It's a gut punch for sure.
You're not alone, we healed before and we will do so again. All of this pain will make us wiser in the end.
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)
God is love, and that love was expressed perfectly in Jesus Christ. May these words bring encouragement to you. You can find healing in the Lord ❤
@@jesus_is_the_way it was all those things until I was hooked and then it became breadcrumbs and gaslighting.
@@blairjr2570 I'm so sorry you've experienced that. I understand the pain. I've been finding healing and restoration in the Lord, because nothing else really helps. I definitely encourage you to do the same - seek the Father through the Son and the Holy Spirit, and understand that the love you so desperately want can be found (and should be found) in God...
I've been learning that the Lord doesn't want us to have idols in our life, and oftentimes we make someone an idol. But idolatry inevitably brings suffering and destruction, because we are to have no gods before the Lord... I hope you understand what I'm saying.
Sometimes the Lord will allow us to experience immense pain in relationships because He wants to teach us to rely on HIM for our need for love and validation and intimacy. He wants us to have healthy, loving relationships, but when we prioritize a relationship with a man over our relationship with God, there is usually dysfunction... Because we're not meant to make a man our source of love and happiness. God wants to be that for us. And He can!
Oftentimes through suffering, the Lord wants to draw us close to Himself so we can finally *see* Him... Not just hear about Him. Job in the Bible is a good example of this. He lost everything, and he didn't understand why, until he *saw* God, and the glory of God made him silent ("I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you" Job 42:5 ESV).
There are many things in this life that we may fail to understand or make sense of; the tragedies, the pain, the suffering, the betrayals... But ultimately it's ALL meant to bring us closer to Jesus and His love for us. He paid the price for us to have a love relationship with Him... We are accepted by Him into eternal covenant, a relationship that will never end. And He is teaching us this very thing in this life. That He matters most. That with Him, we can overcome anything, and retain compassion for people who hurt us.
I have so much to say, and I apologize if it's a lot... Or seems unwarranted... I just see you, I see your pain, and I understand, and I want you to know that God sees it too, way better than me. And He loves you and wants you to experience His love and be healed.
You are worth the blood of Jesus, you are loved so much. No man or woman can take that away from you. I am praying for you today... And for all those here hurting. Turn to the Lord, He *will* help you... Much peace to you.
I used to think I had “ sucker” on my forehead. I am self educated after years of wondering wTF was going on. I read and listened and read and now finally I think I can never mistake one again… but I am concerned if one can ever truly relax and trust again.
I found myself smiling at strangers at the grocery store & they smiled back❣️no pouting no shouting
Isn't it absolutely blissful when that happens again.
me too
As someone who was with a narcissist for 36 years I can tell you that you will go through all of the stages Matthew gives. I did. Every single one. I have been on my own now for 3 years. I can say without a doubt leaving was the best decision I could have ever made. I am content. I have peace and joy in my life now that I never had. I have total control over what I do, what I spend my money on and who I spend my time with. I only wish I had been able to leave sooner. If you are with a narcissist in a romantic relationship, get out before you waste any more precious time. You won't regret leaving. You will regret that you stayed.
4:12 'Too much empathy can become dangerous and can be weaponized against you.' "People who are narcissists are attracted to people with extraordinary empathy."
If there was a way to mark a video with highlighter, this is the spot I'd do it. What I would give to go back in time and know this!
Can clip it
Amen!
@@jadegreen1554 THANK YOU for teaching me this crazy trick existed! Wow! (The scissors have been there THE WHOLE TIME?!! 😅😂😂)
@@amandamilobooks I think it’s recent. You’re welcome. 😊 best wishes and strength fellow traveller on this path 🙏
@@jadegreen1554 I almost hope that's the case, otherwise we need a clip of that scene from Mrs. Doubtfire where Sally Field is outraged as she exclaims "The whole time?? The WHOLE time?!" XD
My divorce became final last week after 20 years of marriage and a further 6-year legal battle with a narcissist. I have watched many videos on this topic which literally saved my life after my ex discarded me on our wedding anniversary. But like you so eloquently summarized in this video Matthew, we all have a choice to make…to simply stay alive or to truly live. I chose the latter…but I’ll be honest, at the start, it was for my children - not for me. But now, whilst I am alone - with no partner, no close family and no friends who stayed by my side - I am truly at peace and content with the life I am living for the first time. That is the power of courage and self love that you gain as we traverse this bumpy, arduous yet wonderful journey called life. I like to call pain the cost of my life education - some lessons are damn hard and can almost break you. But when you have that “aha” moment, you really do feel infinite and grateful for all the cuts and bruises.
Sending you love. My divorce just became final, after 22 years. The pain has become so much and I finally realized l need to love myself and leave, he will never change. I can’t tell you how alive I feel ❤
MIRIAM CHAMANI DIETRICH, saved me
MIRIAM CHAMANI DIETRICH, she is a caster and i can say she is very good at what she does,i am a living testimony.
MIRIAM CHAMANI DIETRICH, she is a caster and i can say she is very good at what she does,i am a living testimony.
@@aaroncecil5381 IF THAT WERE TRUE WHY ARE YOU ON THIS PAGE???
I learned a lot after being with a narcissist. It was a horrible, and crazy painful time, but while I got over it, I learned so much about myself and the patterns I used to gravitate towards that I now manage to avoid these traps.
omg same!!!
Same here. xo
Yes, here! Now I can actually catch myself over compensating, *that needs work, too), but I know how I want to live.
Wish I could hear more about this.
@@jadegreen1554 feel free to ask :).
I'm not in a relationship with a narcissist. I'm not in a relationship at all. Yet, I gained so much by watching this video. It's a reminder always to have my greatest well-being at heart. Thank you, Matthew.
I was arranged married to a narcissist for 21 years .. separated and divorced for 3 years .. he is a principal solicitor of a law firm and I fought him hard and tight and won .. so all the best to who is fighting for peace.. it’s possible.. I made it happen., it was hard .. but was worth it
They want to be needed, but rarely come through. It’s so hurtful. You are so correct!! Thank you.
This is excellent. I'm 9 months out of a relationship with a narcissist who was cheating on me and dumped me viciously when I found out, blamed me for being too sad about my mother passing away, told all our friends I was depressed...it was such a confusing time...I saw none of this coming and it turned my world upside down. These steps are what my healing process have been. Thank you for sharing this. It's confusing, hard, and disorienting, but healing and strength are on the other side.
Same story here my friend..stay strong..i left mine in january. he was cheating, lying, telling me all kind of things, lied on me to my friends. I thought i was dying. You will be ok
@@delf5724 Wow!
What the fuck. How can you be too sad about your mother passing away?? Good riddance he’s gone. Please make room for the amazing things you deserve in your life. ❤
Matthew, there was a time when I was constantly looking for ways to remove myself from a toxic relationship with a narcissist. Your encouraging words helped me so much. I kept listening to them and taught myself how to put myself first. Eventually, it pulled me from those dark times and now I have a beautiful relationship with a great partner. Thank you so much. Keep inspiring women like this. Watching this video made me look back to those awfully lonely years i spent stuck and the behaviours I tolerated. I'm in a much better place thanks to you.
MIRIAM CHAMANI DIETRICH, she is a caster and i can say she is very good at what she does,i am a living testimony.
Not just women! He helped this macho masculine guy right here deal with a narcissist.
Omg You described my whole marriage with my Ex. I had NO WHERE to GO. I knew the hope was gone. When ur a housewife & I came down with LUPUS from constant stress living with my Narc husband. He was ABUSIVE on EVERY LEVEL SERIAL cheater (I was a lingerie model at one time & still in shape yet he jumped any woman he could).
@@hawaiigirl8089 it astounds how one could be so fit and gorgeous yet nothing is enough. It just astounds. Makes one feel so confused, the world feels upside down, nothing makes sense with these people. Must keep remembering normal cannot be found there.
" We have to be willi]ng to light the fuse that blows up our own life "
This spoke to me so loud, I just filed for divorce last week after 21 years of marriage, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was so CO dependent, and had so much empathy, I didn't realize I was married to a narcissist and I was being abused. Thank you for this video.
Plz pray 🙏 for me-I hate the chaos & confusion
What made you have these realization that it was abuse?
Abuse takes so many forms… first of all the love bombing and dream making that after a license is signed all begin to fade away. Ruining birthdays, holidays, manipulation, not helping with anything they don’t want to do, not wanting your friends or family around, isolating you but then treating you like a personal servant in your own home, withholding attention, no conversation of anything deep, when in public suddenly acting the loving spouse roles to impress others, alcohol abuse, nonsupport when you are sick. Etc etc
@@staciecs77 will keep you in my prayers 🙏
Did it in COVID at 54 - now running my true authentic business … met some one ‘age appropriate’ life as restarted … think Nike …. ‘Just do it’ (and try not do it online’ 😂😂👊🏾
PREACH my man! I know this advice is typically for women, but it’s just as true for a man. It will be one year ago tomorrow that I ended up in the Emergency Room on life support from being engaging to a narcissistic/psychopathic woman. I DID NOT believe there was a future beyond her. One year later, there’s still a bit of pain there, but there’s also so much more healing, and reclaiming of my own life. For some of you still stuck in that situation....I know it can feel absolutely and unbearably possible to go on, but I promise you that there will be a tomorrow. And when you have the chance to spend a little time with yourself, learning about what YOU want for a change, and if you follow that path...you too will look back in a year and say thank God I survived that. I truly didn’t believe I’d make it out alive, or that it was even worth it to do so, but it can be, and it is.
Thanks I needed to hear that
Your voice on this is so important, men need to know they are not alone so they feel more support to speak up and they'll be believed as well. ♡ sending you love and healing
I’m so sorry you had to experience that hell! Remember that these “things” are empty pathetic vessels. You have a beautiful soul which is what they want to take from us. Having 40 years of experience I’m convinced they’re agents of Satan…
Yesssss! You have no idea how much your words helped me TODAY . . . . it feels like I'll never get free but I know I can, thank you so much 💚💚💚💚
Thank you so much for this! I'm going through this now. I'm sorry you had to go through this awful experience, but so thankful you made it through! 🥰
I spent 20yrs of my life with a narcissist. I was broken when I finally realised. It took a lot of strength to leave with a lot of support but it was the best thing I ever did. A narc will never change, they’re too wounded to change! Yes, he deviated everything 7yrs for about 3 months at a time and always went back to their default. My empathic tendencies were weaponised against me. I was codependent which is a red rag to a bill for the narcissist. Codependency and narcissism are two coins of the same coin. Ooh guilt was a massive weapon! Oh boy, my empathy really did become the cover for my fear. I was terrified of leaving with nothing and having to start again, but two years out it was worth it. Lighting that fuse was difficult but I realised I was lonely for years in my marriage! Love your financial analogy! Yes, my mind tried to protect me from more pain by trying to convince me to stay in the familiar pain. Connecting with the idea of moving on was the key moment that gave me the strength to move forward. Freedom was my end goal. I’m 2yrs out and yeah, a lot if my fears came through, but I’m so much better out of it. I’ve grown and although I’m not in a relationship I’m less lonely than I was in my marriage. I strongly recommend getting the support you need to get out.
Thanks for this video. It’s so sad how long we stay in relationships out of guilt or fear. To those of us who need to start again: we can do it!
So true my friend
@@herminablackstock I’m rooting for us 🙌
Yes we can do it. Am so done with this man.he has drained me in all ways possible
@@bnk2549 Be strong 💪
@@Shannon_Vlogs Thank you so much,we are in this together my friend
So insanely sad. I just got away from him not long ago. The other day I mistakingly answered the phone just to be hurt yet again by him.I am still dealing with the trauma bond and the cognitive dissonance. So so sad that they will never be able to attach or have fulfilling and meaningful friendships and relationships. It's even sadder to have to give up to save yourself. The damage that they do and destruction that they cause is heartbreaking. They will never change.
Literally crying at how hard this hits.
Same
This quote has stuck in my mind for years now; "You can make yourself miserable or you can make yourself strong, either way the amount of work is the same". It's been a mantra for me and one that has stood me in pretty good stead.
The timing of this video is perfect.
When I was with my ex, I was lieda lot to and he made me think I'm the problematic one when he was the one that causwd me those issues.
My energy was so low and I constantly paranoid and it was just an awful few months. When he broke up with me, I felt relieved that he's not gonna make me miserable anymore. After almost 2 months, he is now trying to crawl back into my life, saying he misses me while in reality he's on tinder. Nope nope nope nope never again.
Exactly…you’ve cared too much about how he feels. He does miss his “supply” but you no longer give a damn.
Stay strong!!! Don’t let their pathetic Hoover attempts work. You’ve got this!!! ❤
‘Both paths will be terribly difficult but only one of them leaves a possibility of your future happiness’
This video comes to me at the perfect time
Im such an empath I hadn’t even realised he was a narcissist 😔
You give me strength Matthew 💕
It's sucks being an empath cause we try to do everything to make the relationship work but when a person shows you who they are you have to believe them. After being with a narc for 9 years I know what to look for . I got out of that terrible relationship .
I just left the narc who had a hold on me the last 4 years. I’ve met someone who makes me feel good about myself and appreciated. ❤
EVERY word in this post is like it was written for me. Three months before my 50th anniversary, this came to me: "he will never be what I need, he doesn't have the ability" Yes, it is terribly difficult but at least I am not setting myself up to be stabbed in the heart again and again. I got married quite young and didn't even know what a narcissist was. Now, I do.
Ditto! May the good lord gives you strength 💪 🙏
Its easy to deal with narcissist when your feelings are not deep and when you know someone is playing mindgames with you. I only stayed short term and when we were suppose to meet up, I cancelled deliberately our meeting just 2 min before in order to waste his time and to make him unimportant : ))and gave the most nonsense excuse and then moved on
Oh my god Matthew.......everything you say is so accurate and true....and painful....I'm sitting here listening to your video and crying....Yes...I'm 48, I have been married for 20 years and I have done everything for our relationship including "abusing" my empathy exactly as you mentioned...and I have to do all of the things you just said...and I am so scared.....scared that I can't do it anymore....I'm afraid to start all over again ( but I'm working on it )...I'm afraid that my three children will never forgive me....But I will play your video over and over and again because it gives me the strength and courage to try....Thank you for all you do for all people on the planet...may I ever be able to repay you....with love and gratitude...Romana
Get a “team” of friends and family together and pls don’t do it alone if u don’t have to. So much easier with support.
@@amyjoseph3914 ooo….Thank you for that…Thank you for your kind advice and support…I can do it…😉 I wish you only the best, with All my heart..🙏
Same here. Oh, it's scary but I'm going to do it. Need to get a support system in place though. I have no one. No support.😟
@@queenesther4142 You have US !! ❤️
❤❤❤
Exceptionally well positioned and explained! As a psychotherapist, I am so glad to see such materials
👍🌟
Had a very toxic relationship with a narcissist and he has destroyed my self-confidence and self-worth. I feel like I am a completely different person after him. I wish I saw this video years ago and just got out before it got too late. I miss my old authentic beautiful self every day..
May the Lord restore you in every way. You can find healing in Jesus ❤ Much love and strength to you.
Your response made me reflect on a time when I felt like I'd lost myself.
I felt so empty, so drained, so damaged.
I hope you can begin to start to nourish that old you again.
The roots haven't died if you remember her so fondly.
She is still under there waiting to come back out into this world.
Stronger, wiser, more free than you can even imagine.
Give her the things she loves and needs. She will come back. Put her first.
It was never him that she needed. It was for you to value yourself enough to protect and nurture you.
Find something that makes her enormously happy and do it for her.
Forget about him. He hurt her. He was going to continue to hurt her until she was destroyed.
Don't let him do that. He didn't value her. You still do.
Those are the things I've learned. I hope there is something in there that helps you find the woman you miss being!
@@ssmith5127 I feel the same way too,like I have lost my self,coz I know myself and this is no me 🥺
@@rukkyprincess7176 - You are a lovely lady Mrs. Princess. I hope you find the ability to see yourself as deserving of all the good things that bring joy, excitement and purpose back into your life. The years I spent feeling not good enough seem like wasted time to me now. I removed the person who made me feel that way from my path. I've discovered that it is my job to enjoy and nurture the best parts of my life. Anyone who doesn't want to do that with me doesn't get to stay too close these days. I'm much happier for it. I wish the same for you. Start small. Do one nice thing for YOU each day. It doesn't have to be big. It does need to be something that makes YOU happy.
Thank you for the words of encouragement,I will try step by step
It hurts but I will be Okey,I will let you know how I progress
This was me 100% . Invested 5 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist. It started out great, the love bombing, soul mate, ❤️ great times, but there were signs that l ignored, that became worse & worse. I stayed because was petrified of being alone. I thought this was my last chance at love. I was miserable. I was with him, but l felt alone & lost. My self esteem was in the garbage. It had to end , but l kept making excuses for his bad behavior.
I just…left. I raised his children. He & his ex wife were clinical narcissists. I stayed for the poor kiddos as long as I could. Far beyond what I should have. It has been 8 yrs & I still have not fully recovered from the psychological dmg. Thank you for addressing this topic. It is more common than people realize. Even “narcissistic traits” which are more common than the full blown narcissist can be so damaging, especially when they tend to seek a polar opposite. I hope someday the children understand & can thrive after such a sadistic & damaging world. I did the best I could…but cannot blame myself nor live in that past forever. It can take a soul-etching blow on existence, that is certain.
This is my situation atm. He's not a full blown narc, but life revolves around him, he has no empathy, takes no responsibility for his actions, is a lier, wants to be centre of attention, thinks he's God's gift, flirts with other women, checks them out in front of me.
After 3 years, I'm miserable but for me, I stay for the dog. Also my dad really likes him. So I'm not staying for me.
I think at one point I will know when it's time to go.
So true! I finally left my narcissistic exhusband after 8 years. But people, be prepared that they might try to make your life difficult when you leave. My ex turned so nasty with lies and manipulation, he was granted custody of our child. It was incredibly tough but I survived and years later my son moved to me. Now I have a great job and a peacful, fulfilled life! Only God knows what kind of miserable person I'd be if I was still with this narcissist.
I just literally chose the difficult path of breaking up with my gf yesterday. She was unhappy with things that had happened before I met her as well as unhappy with her career and continued to project them on me. She did this by having rage fits ever 6 weeks or so and literally tearing me, my family and my job down. It happened on Sunday again and in that instant I knew what I had to do. I woke up this morning sad but so damn relieved. In my younger days I would have let this drag on for years , but with age comes a little bit of wisdom and knowing this is no way to live.
I'm listening to this months after leaving and getting over a terrible guy. Everything is 100% accurate. I only wish I left sooner. Life is pretty perfect now. I didn't jump into a new relationship. Actually, it was my spite which motivated me to advance and succeed in several artistic endeavors, and that distracted me long enough to get over the emotional pain. I'm back to my happy self and learned so much that I will never be swayed by that type of guy. I chose to be empathic to myself instead. Because I'm strong, I endured too much, but from now on I'm using my strength to protect myself and my heart.
Greatest I would say..omg I spoiled my life with such narcissist person..may God give me courage to get out of this trap... 🙏 Thanks for awakening words...
I am man, and I'm going through the situation mentioned on the video. What impresses me is that this man seems to be so precise about every little thing he's saying that it is almost like he is describing the whole relationship that I had with this girl I broke up with. I'm going through a lot of pain, but I know deep down I did the right thing. And this video is helping me a lot to go through it and also to understand what's happening in the stage I'm in.
I hope that anyone that is going through the same situation, heal up fast and be fine soon. Cos it's a lot of pain.
I'm with you Brother. 15 Yrs. I had to Walk Away and SHUT IT DONE. To Toxic We deserve Better. If we are not getting back what we are giving we are with the GIRL. We have to Cut our Losses.
The WRONG GIRL.
@@davidcoppotelli3957 big truth, my friend
Omg I just got chills when u said how I showed range of emotions with no change... exactly... I tried so hard for 5 weeks n nothing was getting through this man... I ended up in tears n my blood pressure was so high from stress that I fainted last week. He knows that n yet, he blew up at me on the phone n hung up. I cried for the last damn time. I'm there to pick up rest of my stuff n will never see that selfish jerk again!!!
This is what you called healing from narcissistic abuse and rebirth 🙏♥️
Living with my parents at 42. Going to spend my birthday
alone this year. I have never felt so alone in a room full of people.
This is so on point.....
I needed to hear this out loud Today to process what my Spirit has known for far too long.
yes God bless you ❇️🌞✳️🙏 concur with you completely :-We just don't n probably never will understnd why nrcissists do this
Apparently everyone exits their presence in the end But they still fail 2see their part or why this is happening 2them
So extreMely mind boggling heart ❤️ wrenching how they wish to destroy even our Souls
They wish to own us hence them throwing away items which are given 2us by others whom love us Precious card s books pictures Even things like shower gel toothbrushes toothpste etc Plus the things which reminds us how loved we are n the items which are impertive to us feeling good re ourselves Bare essentils you know?Sooo horrendously disgustingly controlling
Hope you're in a better place now God bless you+yours🌞✳️🌞✳️🌞✳️🙏
You don’t keep driving the car in the wrong direction just because you have been on that path for so long. You’d never get to your desired destination.
How to react in a relationship with a narcissist?
-- cut them off and move on, there’s no hope if you stay in where you are.
No I think you neeed to like slowly end it up and not abruptly, you need professional help with it, they will need counseling and support on how to properly deal with themselves after... but why should you have to deal with that? go home and live with your parent's for a year.
This is the best video with actionable steps to leaving a relationship with a narcissist. I’ll be watching this everyday until I get her out of my system. A lot of times we’re asked to do no contact in this situation, but we in our shoes would often justify it with our empathy or at least our idea of empathy. Your video really spoke to me and made me feel hope at the end of the tunnel. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years of empty promises (and accusations that I’ve been unreasonable), and I still believe her.
I love that you mentioned Dr. Ramani -- my friends and I found her videos on narcissism (especially about having a narcissist parent) to be very helpful in recognizing narcissistic signs and getting concrete advice on next steps.
My struggle for sure was seeing him try to change and he would catch himself sometimes and I was really proud, he's in therapy, working on himself spiritually and I know I'm the only person he's really opened up to so I just feel like I'd be leaving a child that needs help. I know it's not my job to help him and be there for him but yes that's my biggest struggle in keeping with my word on staying away 🤦♀️ it's a constant struggle.
Oh
Gosh. I hope you are well with the situation now.
You have no idea the timing of this video…. Thank you. Trauma bonds are no joke. I’m baffled by the things I’ve tolerated.
You are not alone🤗🎨✨💖
I have kept myself stuck in an on again/off again relationship for the last ten years. I realized that I kept going back and allowing the person in my life because of a lack of self-confidence and need of approval from the individual.
All the steps you described are exactly what I’ve been going through. I finally very recently have reached the last step and have decided that yes, both paths are tough, but starting over again will allow a chance to be happier. I have at long last let the old relationship go and I do not feel the heavy sadness that I usually feel.
Thank you for this excellent video, Matthew! You always address things so clearly and spot on. Your videos have helped me get to this realization with myself.
Hi Elisa! It sounds like you were trauma bonded. I’ve been there… Hope you’re doing better ❤ and you’re not alone sis… 🙏🤍
Congratulations! I have been trying so hard to let go and every time I do he constantly texting and calling me even though I block him.He calls and it comes up unknown caller and he can then leave messages. I really can’t take the up/down knife in your back life.How did you finally break from him?looking for help
@@susansheehan7965 are you able to take out a restraining order? This qualifies as harassment/stalking and it’s quite possibly a criminal offence. Throw the book at him! 💜
Thank you for this video.
You know, I've been with a narcissistic for 2 years.
I'm at the point of near suicidal.
Yes, it was that bad. On our family, on my work.
Thank you. I felt guilty even to walk away.
You understand the struggle.
They deliberately play on our tendency for guilt. It’s called the “pity ploy”. My opinion is that these people learned to become ninja level manipulators from a very, very young age. They know how to read people and all sorts of nuances - seems contradictory given their self-absorption but it’s purely survival instinct for them. I look back and realise my mother had perfected this pitiful, pained expression when she played the martyr card. Instead of her being held to account for her horrific abuse, she used this to evade consequences. It’s also a type of gaslighting because the perpetrator plays the victim, and it messes with your head. I began t o see my ex did the exact same thing, albeit in a different manner. I think it also helped me to recognise that behind my apparent guilt, was actually FEAR. Fear of retaliation, of feeling a different sort of torture if I got TF away. We become HIGHLY emotionally enmeshed with these people, and our mind fools us into believing we can’t survive without them.
This describes her so perfectly. She gaslit me, and once she saw me happy on my own, surrounded by people who cared, the second she saw my get a whiff of independence as I saw her for who she really was, she left me. And then turned it around and tried to say it was my fault. I realized I'm codependent and she's an addict. So I'm doing the work on myself so that next time I see the red flags, I can get out sooner.
Left a 24 year marriage . Hardest thing I ever had to do . No contact is the best medicine for your peace . What they want is a reaction from you , good or bad . Their reality is not the same as ours .Great video ❤️
That takes incredible strength. Positive vibes to you. 🙏🏽
Exactly those thoughts came across my mind but I didn’t settle with status quo and separated from a relationship of 22 years at age 51. I am working very hard every day to give myself what I deserve. Thank you!
I just love that last point. Both paths are difficult but only one opens up the possibility to a life of happiness.
Watch the full video for more explanation:
1) Assume this person will never change 1:34
2) Too much empathy can become dangerous and can be weaponized against you. 4:04
3) Do not allow your empathy to becytge cover for your fear. 9:07
4) We have to be willing to light the fuse that blows up our own life. 10:10
5) When you begin to freak out about making this tough choice in your life, you mind will trick you into thinking the status quo isn't so bad. 12:44
6) You have to connect with the idea that if you remain where you are, you will never be happy and you will never be at peace. 14:00
7) Realize that both paths will be terribly difficult, but only one of them leaves a possibility of your future happiness. 15:20
Even though I'm 100% sure I would NOT have listened to this advice when I needed to end a former relationship, this advice makes me smile because it's 100% true!
Searing truth is always difficult but much needed. Thank you.
This is exactly what kept me stuck for so long. Being overly empathic and the fear of blowing up mine and my children’s lives. Now I’m an overly jealous, untrusting person sabotaging every new relationship.
@Mathew Hussey can you please do a video on dating after a narcissist? Some of us are 20, 30+ years into this mess and feeling hopeless
Same
Up and up
Can I second this please Matthew? I know there’s a lot of material on UA-cam on narcissism but I really appreciate the fresh perspective you brought to this video.
Me too. Although I never dated again after my divorce. 🤪 Been on my own now for 5 yrs bringing up my children. Took me years to recover. And I went thru every stage imaginable. I think I'm ready for a relationship now but the men who approach me just want noncommital s3x which I'm just not into. It's been a decade now since any intimacy, how the time flies. 🤪
I am in the midst of separating from one. Been with him almost 20 years. I had left because it was getting dangerous for me. Had to leave to a different state. I’m still dealing with the pain.
I'm going through a divorce at the minute and I wish I had found your videos a long time ago, this one particularly hit a cord with me. The difficult road to happiness takes courage.
Sending you lots of love & positive energy!! You’ve got this!!! ❤
WOW!! I hope this video goes viral so those in narnsassistic relationship can be set free. This is not talked about enough. I was in a relationship for nearly three years and it nearly completely destroyed me and my mental health. I am 3 months out of it and feel so much freer and happier even though the breakup was the worst thing I've ever been through. I wish this video was around 2 years ago because I was truly blind to it. I really hope this helps to many others. God bless you Matt 🙏🏻
This video has helped me reaffirm my decision about leaving my partner. I have realized that lately I have been more alone than with him and life has been very good. I guess my biggest obstacle was to feel alone but to be with someone that does not care about your needs and does not give you the time feels even worse than being alone.
At least when you are alone you know who you stand with. If you pray God will stand with you
This is the best video I've ever seen on the truths of a bad relationship/ leaving a bad relationship
It talks about narcissism specifically but most of what you say can apply to any unhappy relationships, even if the other worsen isn't a narcissist.
Anyone watching this who is in a bad relationship should pay very close attention to when he says "you have to be willing to light the fuse that blows up your own life"
It couldn't be more true.
I once heard someone talk about how people in hopeless and miserable relationships often wish the other person would die. Not because they hate them, but because ending a relationship is in many ways causing a death to occur. You kill part of yourself, part of your partner, and you have to be reborn in a sense, completely disillusioned and alone and scared and angry and sad. And the person who once gave you their hand and body and mind in trying times is gone. It's just you now. You have to save your own life, and part of doing so is causing a death. And many people cannot cause that death. So they stay, but they wish the person would just die.
It is one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced that you can go through. Lighting the fuse, causing the death.
What he says is true, though:
Staying or going are both paths full of fire, blood, and agony, but only one of those paths will take you to freedom and an incredibly happier life.
You have to be willing to kill part of yourself to move on
You have to be willing to light the fuse that blows up your own life
Matthew.... Just thank you. Out of a so toxic relationship, it feels so reassuring we're not alone. Still in the grief of such a disapointment but can already see how many beautiful people are around and how life is full of hope 🙏 a lot of strengh to all fighting to get out of this heart maze... Make the right call to respect yourself! Don't give up!!
This describes me and my situation 100%. He's my best friend too, not just my partner. So this is very difficult:(
i endured mental abuse, manipulation, rejection and silent treatments almost everyday for 1 year. it was really painful. I feel sorry for myself, i lost my self respect, self esteem and even feeling of self... i even thought of suicide many times, and almost convinced myself for it once. but finally i am moving on now... *I really feel sorry for myself*
I made the mistake of not dealing with a narcissist properly and she is making my life a living hell. She filed a case with false accusations. She is stalking me everywhere over social media, spreading lies about me and telling my secrets to everyone even about medical conditions. And pretending that she is a victim of Domestic violence.
The case has even gone to court but she is not stopping. In her mind, she thinks that she is the victim. I seriously don't know how to get out of this situation. I didn't have a single day in the past couple of months where I didn't think about this.
Please don't make the same mistake as me I decided to leave her in one go. Blocked her from social media, and stopped picking up her calls. That's where she went crazy. I should have done it slowly and maybe tried something else.
I find it hard to lable him as a narcissist but he definitely did have some of these traits (I think).
it's been a month and some weeks now since the break up and I'm still just as confused.
I feel there was a time when he truly loved me, or atleast loved the idea of being with me. It's like it gave him some kind of status because of the role I was serving at my job at the time. For a good year we were totally inseparable, I'd never felt so alive, he did everything right, I remember googling, "what to do when the relationship is too perfect and he's doing everything right" because that's exactly how it was. Perfect!
....Well until some true colours started leaking out of the cracks.
I noticed he was secretly in some kind of competition with me.i would come up with an idea and he would either trump it completely like it's stupid but then secretly present it to he's friends like its he's idea, or he would make me feel stupid for even having one in the first place.
He imitated a lot if things I did and would hate on me or any if he's friends that were good at something that he wasn't.
The second thing I noticed was that he never had my back whenever I was facing external conflict, be it at work or anywhere, everytime I would bring up a story to him about a bad day I had, how something went wrong or how soomeone treated me unfairly, he was so quick to take the other person's side and make me feel deserving of my suffering in that situation.
I remember one time before I got promoted into my current job, he literally said it to my face that he would much rather see another person get the job instead of me. Needless to say I got it on merit and when the confirmation finally came, I had to move to another town, he threw a fairwell party for me and bought me a new phone as a gift, but soon after he developed this extremely cold attitude towards me. I couldn't understand it.
Being in a different town, I started developing anxiety and a fear of losing my relationship with him, so I began overcompesating. But everything became a drag thereafter. I strongly belive he cheated on me several times and he's never shown remorse for it, and recently I found out he's been meeting up with he's babymama behind my back, that was the last straw for me, he also liked putting me in situations where he wanted me to fight other women for him but I never succumbed, it's just not in me to start fighting anyone or confronting them , I find it easier to just walk away and remove myself from the situation much as it may hurt. I also know that I had my short comings in the relationship. I have an independent mindset and I think that works against me sometimes, I can be clingy especially when I'm anxious and I never really trusted most of he's advise . I also liked talking a lot about my future plans with regards investments and getting my finances right, and I think he just wanted to live in the moment and enjoy he's paycheck so my chatter used to kind of bore him...and I would always point it out to him whenever he did something below the belt and several times I may have demeaned him in my approach to which I later admitted to this and asked for he's forgiveness but by the time I realised this, I could feel a lot of resentment from him. There was a lot of passion in our relationship, when it was good it was really good and when it hurt , it really hurt. We both said some really hurtful things to each other in different situations at different times, but I eventually had to leave because I couldn't bear the thought of dealing with another woman in my space permanently a woman who wants to be seeing him for weeks onwards without my knowledge and he equally entertains it. ...so I left, and it still hurts everyday. He never apologised for going behind my back BTW. He literally went cold turkey on me. I've accepted the break up but I cannot believe someone can be so cold and motionless. There's just so much I don't understand.. and I keep rethinking the situation so that i know what to look out for in my next relationship and also how to readjust my behaviour and general approach in such situations.
Defo a narcissist
I love dr Ramani, she opened my eyes. And you're right on point. Empathy is your downfall dealing with narcisists. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas! 🤗
Narcissist abuse is real and has one of the worst experience I had. Its been 6 months since I blocked him. I am still struggling to look at myself in the mirror.
Given the amount of comments here I bet no one will ever read mine but: THIS is the video that made me officialy cut ties with my ex. THIS video, saved my heart, my head, my nerves, my body, from more abuse.
Thank you! ❤ from Quebec, Canada.
A very real video Matthew, thank you. I lived with a narcissist for 34 years. I finally left when I realised that if a young woman came to me and described the treatment I was enduring I would have advised her to 'Get out'. I had to leave my lovely house and my wonderful neighbourhood but I have kept the real friends and moved to a wonderful new place and made new friends and am rekindling my strong sense of self. My advice to anyone in this situation is 'don't wait'.
After years of marriage, and months of therapy, i tried arguing a different way (based on what therapy taught me to do) ….when I saw it got me the EXACT SAME RESULTS - disrespect and disregard of my needs - I knew my marriage was over. Just like that
Movement Medicine, thank you for your comment.
This is amazing and so perfect. I have just ended a four year relationship just like the one you describe. In fact, I stumbled on your UA-cam videos the day after I decided I couldn't go on. You helped clarify things for me. I am in limbo right now as I can't actually move out of the house we share for a few weeks. The temptation to make excuses comes in waves and it is all I can do to not go there, especially as he is just in the next room. I have been hanging on to that moment of realisation of what my future looks like if I stay in order to keep my resolve. So far so good. Thank you Matthew. Your work is quite extraordinary and so astute. ❤️
hello I can recommend someone
who can help you attract your pattern again she was the one who helped me recover my relationship
Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom leaving her narcissistic abuser. One year ago yesterday she finished moving her and myself out of the house, had finished preparations with a lawyer, secured a safe place for the two of us, left and never looked back. It’s been a hard journey, but every single day has been a blessing. I’d had time where I’d completely given up hope, had escaped myself to college, had the first freedom in my life destroyed before my eyes (when I had to move back home during the pandemic, back in with my abuser), and lived the ptsd of believing I’ll never be truly free. She never gave up. Please, all of you, never give up. It takes so much strength to keep the faith, not lose yourself, and get out safely. It’s never too late. I believe in you
I think some people believe they are twin flames when it’s just narcissist trauma bonding
How beautiful! I've been through that kind of relationship and it was really painful to release myself from that, but it was worth it. I'm still single, and it's hard, but I'm glad for being able to allow myself to be truly happy. Thanks! 🙏
The timing couldn't be more perfect
Same for me
3 years in a circus. Being insanely abused, what's worse is I kept allowing it...I wasted the brunk of my twenties. The good news is you don't have to.
I paused this (sry Matt) to tell u guys when I was like 19-20 my therapist told me I was a mild to moderate narcissist and I decided to change because my actions weren’t aligning with my morals. Years have gone by and I see myself as the same as everyone else and would never want to hurt another. The lack of empathy when I was young was for one demographic - the guys that I would repeatedly reject and tell them they would get hurt if they come any closer. But I never intentionally hurt friends or family or SO’s. Some people can change. Other people who have told me that are narcissists seem like they have a wounded inner child. I have been working hard to heal and clinically do not align with narcissism any longer.
I also did a lot of research online about compassion and empathy and read that if you have trouble empathizing with people that put themselves in certain situations start with sympathy. And that is how it began.
The timing is sick... you have no idea what this just meant to me 🙏❤️ thank you!
My whole family is full of extreme Narcissists (such an annoying word with so many S :) ) .. parents and siblings ..
That is something insane thing to have in your life from the beginning and everyone keeps telling you it will get better, you dont turn on your family blah blah blah ..
It took me about 20 years before i realized that the fault is not with me .. another 5 with this realization before and trying to make them see that we are family and cannot do this to each other before i realize, you have to let go.
Me teaching myself that, realizing that on my own, changed me so much .. and after another 10 years leaving my family, i have zero tolerance for narcissists but i can also spot them in almost immediatelly, some smarter ones a bit longer but still, just few hours.
When it clicked in my head, put the pieces together, its kinda insane how many are there .. once i was in a group "victims of Narcissist" back in the day, people from the whole country, an internet group but also some get together and talked about it .. i was very surprised that there were hundreds of women, but just 2 men, including me .. well after a while, the doctor turned out to be the Narcissist who instead of helping others, he intentionally prolonged the treatment to get more money from the people. But I can also see it with lots of friends, there is always some who has one, defending the parter at all cost, yet they hate the relationship but are unable to leave. My mother told at first when i stared defending myself .. "i am your mommy and you will love me boy even when i will be stabbing you to your back" ..
I like how Matthew can put it nicely into words. I watched a lot, i feel everything he says but i cannot say it with words.
After being single and healing and learning to love myself. I reconnected with a female I dated in high school and only dates her cause we had history. We've been together for a year and a half and the last 6 months I've noticed her mask coming off and that she has NPD . It's sad and it hurts me to leave but I have to go cause I refuse to be in a toxic narcissistic relationship... Just sucks but must be done 🤷😔
It took a year and a half for her mask to come off too, it happend when we moved in toghether.. then all the things happend..😑
Smart Move Again you saved your own Life. Be HAPPY
@@davidcoppotelli3957 I left her packed my things and walked out the door without saying 2 word to her. She decided to give me the silent treatment I said ok I'ma give it right back and walk out your life. Goodbye Narc 👋🤫
@@jeffpadilla2121
Life is to short to just settle to have someone in it who is not fully committed and don't have your back. We are the ones bringing all the positive Energy to the relationship.
I left him years ago, but that part about staying guaranteed misery but at least I have a chance to be happier since I left really rang true! I wish I could just erase him from my life and forget the whole thing but at least I'm not continuing the misery because I was truly miserable with him in every way! Now I can be myself and I found a passion I had lost while with him. I feel like I am a lot more stable, and I feel whole again. Before I just felt like a shattered thing, dehumanized and confused. It was worth leaving!
Just out of curiosity but what brought you to this video now? You said you left him years ago but your recovery sounds really recent and you are talking more in the present tense. I'm sorry to hear of what you went through and do hope that you didn't lose a lot of time after the relationship ended by remaining emotionally invested in, or distracted by an absent ex.
@@roberttruman8444 I just watch Matthew's videos for many topics to learn and grow. I was in shock for the first few years after leaving, now I feel like I'm recovering fully. It has taken years to unravel it all! And no, I wasn't invested in my ex for years. I let him go before I physically left. I just needed to heal after it all.
@@Mandy.S. His videos are very good, although the slogans on his banner ads are too enticing, they play on peoples addiction.
I had a relationship end when I was much younger that I couldn't accept and wanted answers to. I thought the more I knew, the better the chance of reconciliation. Unfortunately, and I think this is the case for so many, for all the time I spent on it I had nothing of value to me and my own development, just a bunch of theories and no facts. Progress only came once I abandoned hope.
This was years before adult attachment theory came into the public consciousness, which I later discovered while undergoing ADHD tests. I can't talk for everyone, but I learnt more about the former relationship in the short time after learning about attachment than I did in the years I lost investigating. Plus when you spend that long looking back and trying to understand the workings of an ex, it's usually a sign that the answers you seek don't involve the ex, they involve yourself and typically hint at childhood traumas or weak parenting of some kind that leave big emotional scars that later on manifest in present day situations.
@@roberttruman8444 That's sounds pretty deep. I don't feel like I'm as broken as all of what you said, though.
I love that you defined the idea that a person is a narcissist or not-- "if you have enough empirical evidence you can assume they will not change". Because that has been quite a conundrum for me. I can't say with 100 percent accuracy that he was a narc as I am not a doctor. So I love this because it cleared up the issue of if he was or if he wasn't a narc. It doesn't matter. If it's not working you gotta do what you gotta do. Happy to have that thought cleared up.
You are wrong doctors who do not experience narcissism are ignorant about narcissistic personality disorder. I'm not a doctor but I can tell a person if he or she is a narcissist because I'm still in the process of going out . Gaslighting , lies, rages without even a slightest provocation , infedelity, shamelessness, lack of introspective thinking , thievery, lack of empathy, absence of love and all unfavorable character , if these traits are being manifested by any person then , no doubt this person is a narcissist !
I'm with a person who is a narcissist. I had gallbladder surgery and the day after I had some pain he had called and asked me what was wrong and I explained I had some pain he actually told me he didn't have time for that because he was at work. Which made me feel like an inconvenience. He also talks under his breath at me saying rude things. Black Friday we went shopping and he told me that I was irritating him because I couldn't find pants that fit right. I'm 5'2 and stuck between sizes. Yesterday he told me that my emotions are all over the place. My only thought was if I didn't walk on eggshells on what to say or feel. I wouldn't be so emotional.
What I’d like to know is why my therapists never told me, referred me to a video or a book or an article when I was clearly describing a narcissist. I could’ve gotten out when I was a lot younger
Thank you, Matthew. That is exactly what I needed to hear right now 🙏🏻
This is probably the most accurate video that I’ve watched that sums up the relationship between my ex and I. Each of the seven steps/stages hit hard.
I am that 50 year old that seemingly wasted 20 years of my life with a narcissist. It took for me to hit absolute rock-bottom to realise it and deciding enough was enough has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.
I’m not fully free of her nonsense as a co-parent but the peace I have experienced from ending the relationship is unmeasurable. I’m happier in myself, and comfortable in living alone…but there are days when I suffer with incredible loneliness, thankfully not so bad that I long for that toxic environment.
This sounds relatable. May I ask how this person came into your life and how you came to realise the situation?
Hey @@roberttruman8444, I'm genuinely sorry to hear that my situation is relatable.
I met my ex when I was separated/pending divorce from my first wife (I'm becoming the serial divorcee!) and at a time when I probably should have been working on myself rather than falling for someone new.
Early on the red flags started to appear (emotional manipulation, isolation from my friends and family, etc) but I thought I could fix us. We have two children and for a period that brought us closer together, but the emotional and, sometimes physical, abuse crept back in. Around three years ago I began to realise that walking on eggshells for fear of awakening the beast wasn't normal, and one day my brain just 'flipped a switch' and I knew I couldn't take any more.
Are you still in the relationship, or have you also had the awakening?
@@tonyp.6246 Sorry to hear of what you went through. It sounds like you've made a lot of progress, but I hope you're not now avoiding relationships in general for fear of getting with another narcissistic partner. I had a very destructive on/off relationship with a dismissive avoidant for many years. However I don't know if she's narcissistic though as she was not obsessed with promoting her own profile, nor did she try to connect with my family and friends or alienate me from them. She never played victim and didn't ridicule, she was just avoidant, distant and detached etc. I discovered a few years ago that my mum had a lot of narcissistic traits and had caused a lot of trauma and brought me up to seek approval and fear rejection. Her traits included lying, denying past behaviours or words spoken when I brought them up, attempts to embarrass me for her enjoyment, gaslighting, disrespecting my privacy and boundaries etc. She has always approved of the DA partner instead of trying to interfere and sabotage the relationship, which made me wonder if the DA was narcissistic. I was also married for a few years to someone who suffered a lot from depression but also had some really bad moods that I couldn't help her out of. So I felt like I was treading on eggshells with her a lot. Again I don't think she was narcissist though as she didn't have the typical traits.
@@roberttruman8444 it sounds like you’ve had a tough time. Make sure you take care of yourself, you deserve better.
She had me sleep deprived with heart palpitations for 3.5 months. She knew this but would never ask me how I slept cuz she knew she was the reason. I couldn’t take it anymore and we have been broken up for just over 2 weeks. I am so so so grateful to be out of that situation. She’s already onto her next victim im pretty sure
Oh my god, you are so right Matt about these people playing on the fact that your empathetic. I think this is one of the hardest things for some one who is empathetic to come to terms with. Yet, you are right... look at the evidence.
This was totally me I am an empath and was married for 23 years to a narcissist, every time I tried to leave he made it sound like it was me and I stayed. I am divorced 5 yrs now and feel the best I have ever felt ! I am working on healing me and when the time is right I will meet someone who is good for me and I trust that I will be able to spot the red flags next time!! thank you for this ❤️
It's so difficult to actually see what's wrong in the relationship when you are with a narcissist. They would constantly gaslight you and make it as if you are the root of the problem
Yes it is Lucious, I still dealing with think like that respective children and work