Grieving Unrequited Love: Losing The Promise After Relationships Fail / Alan Robarge Psychotherapist
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- Опубліковано 1 жов 2024
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Grieving Unrequited Love: Losing The Promise After Relationships Fail / Alan Robarge Psychotherapist
Alan!! So happy to see you back. You helped me through such a turbulent time in my life waaayy back in 2017, and I can only hope to reignite my lessons with your new material. Thank you thank you. So lucky to have the privilege to grow with you alongside this community.
Thank you for the warm welcome and thank you for sharing my work has been helpful for you.
I really like your message that neither of us are bad or wrong or evil. It's just we are afraid of vulnerability in our own ways. Thank you, Alan
Glad this video spoke to you and that's great insight. Thank you for the comment.
You really have a big talent for finding the right words to describe all those layers of mindfuck.
It's so important to keep talking about all those layers. I appreciate the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort.
Please share this UA-cam video on other social sites. It really helps spread the word about these topics. Thank you.
Alan is back - even more PROFOUUUND than before!
Thank you for the kind words and the warm welcome back.
As my ex said, "If you have no expectations, you'll never get disappointed". Well, when I said "I do, I suppose it was unrealistic of me to expect anything from a man whose father was a closet alcoholic. Some people just need to live in solitude with their pain. They don't need to spread their pain out onto innocent people. We had been married for 8 years. Now, 22 years with no attention given to a man whose parents shamed him for not becoming something they could brag about. We need to remind ourselves about why we're here. Abusing little boys and girls is a insult to our purpose. And Normalizing adult abuse of a child needs to be punishable by law. Some parents are just worthless protectors. Just as guilty as the bully.
The level of dispair that i felt knew no bounds, it was endless and boundless. The love of my life abandoned me when things got difficult for me. It is so incredibly painful and i never knew she would be capable of being so cold.
Empathy to you.
Thank you ❤ 6 months later and I'm still dreaming about her.
I know words can be cheap, but I just want to thank you again for everything you give to us. You have helped me even begin to know how to survive pain I didn’t think I could survive. I don’t have much to give back right now, but I intend to soon
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for sharing my work has been helpful for you.
Loving your hot compassion!!! Thanks for addressing those kind of victim-generating channels which forget(or decide to forget) to mention that it takes two to tango.
Thanks for valuing my effort and thanks for the kind words.
I don't know how this video found me today, the omniscience of the algorithm maybe, but I needed everything you said.
You are one of the most honest person on the web. Truth is difficult to hear, we don't want to believe that many of us will never get our emotional needs met. We might never live this human connection we so long for.
The more I learn about attachment trauma, the more it just feels like a curse to me. I haven't signed for this. Every part of me just hate it. Primal rage, that's exactly how I feel. What's the point of having those needs if it's just to suffer from them?
Can we heal? Is there anything we can do about it?
Even if we see more clearly our patterns, fear is still running the show. I know that if one day I meet someone that might be a potential partner, I will only be hypervigilant and guarded and maybe sabotaging everything. I can't suffer the pain I have experienced once more. But without being vulnerable, the outcome will be the same. It's a vicious cycle.
So what's left for us? Where's the reset button?
That exactly what happened in my last experience, he sabotaged it even though he know that he feel lost and don’t want to make a false decision. It destroys me but I can’t be angry to him even though I want.
F***, this is exactly what I am afraid to admit to myself.
Thank you, Alan. There are so few like you out on UA-cam, of those who speak with such clarity. You look wonderful. I am going to share your channel with a friend of mine who is recently going through a break up.
permanently bookmarked!! I am rewinding replaying memorizing analyzing processing feeling relating reverberating like no self help video before, this is straight fire. Middle section is really powerful about our idealized relationship promise of being loved and the horrible pain when our grief erases us retriggering our attachment wound. How very curious to be able to ‘watch’ our shared pattern on replay over and over like other people rewatch a football play… surely, surely if we can see it in such detail we can begin to heal it one frame at a time. Thank you, Alan, what a gift. You are looking very well here and want to celebrate your efforts paying off, dropping some weight, energy way up, focus way up, confidence way up … keep it up, kindred spirit!!
Oh thanks for letting me know this video was so helpful and resonated deeply for you. One way we can 'watch' our shared pattern on replay one frame at a time is through discussing/exploring with others who've been through similar experiences. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other and you're welcome to join us. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
As a psychotherapist I just want to comment that your content is excellent. I see you and I see the effort that you have put into these videos, and how important it is for you to share this message. Bravo
Very helpful. Something I've been struggling with. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this is helpful and I hear you.
49:58 Alan is understandably pessimistic however it’s worth noting that this is not an accurate reflection of the very real possibilities. It’s yes “theoretical” in bringing the so called “woundedness” (to borrow Alan’s framing) to bear and it’s also very much doable. It’s not left to chance nor luck. There is no “love lottery” to take a stab in the dark with.
IMO you don’t luck into this. You build it. With real choices. Choices that can be guided towards an orientation that fosters a dynamic or Secure bond, safe haven relationship.
“We love our wound, Our wound is our identity” I just had a discussion with my friend who is battling alcoholism. He said he’s afraid to stop drinking because it’s become his identity and he doesn’t know who he would be without it 😮💨🤯
Great insight. Yes it's true it can be challenging.
Hey Alan, are you trained in EMDR? Any thoughts? Maybe even making a video? It’s helping me process my trauma and has been a serious game changer!
I always appreciate your videos and how eloquently you speak on matters of mental health. You really highlight the hidden dynamics that play out in relationships that most people are not conscious of. Your message and compassion brings me back down to earth in my own personal situations and inspires me along my own journey to becoming a therapist. Thank you Alan!
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for the kind words and thank you for sharing my work brings you inspiration.
No offense to anyone who wants or needs an actual “church” experience but waking up to this on this Sunday morning has fed me more than any religious experience could have. Just in the last few days I’ve been coming to grips with and letting go of the idea of me as the victim and him as the villain. Yes it was hurtful but we BOTH participated and brought our relationship with our own dysfunctions into the relationship with each other. It is not my place to coach him to this awareness. Understanding this helps liberate me from the (silent) rage directed at him and is keeping me from real relating, even in just platonic and familial interactions. The world is not out to get me. We all have some kind of suffering. This was right on time, as usual. Thanks Alan!
Great insight. Glad this video sparked reflection for you.
This is psychology represented in pure Art! The way you talk pushes me to places, where I can stand and see what I have not been able to verbalise. You Alan have this grate Talent to put those things I cant even grab, into words❤❤
I appreciate the kind words and thank you for sharing how this video inspired you and connected you with words that pushed you to new insight. This is a huge topic that many of us grapple with. I'm wondering if you've heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's so validating when others can relate with what we're going through. We learn so much from each other. Thank you again for the kind feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
100%
I was thinking this is poetry Shakespeare of psychology
greek philosophy
ART of feeling and cognition of souls
Perfect timing with this one. Adore your channel and everything that you do, invaluable advice and information. Thank you.
I appreciate the kind comment. Thank you for valuing my work.
Thank you so much for this offering, your work/effort, the care, the truthful deep message here. So relevant, timely, helpful, and clear
I just went through this pain. I can’t sleep and I feel like my soul has been destroyed for his satisfaction. The question is can we function in my life again. This is unbearable!
Empathy to you. Many of us can relate.
I'm so grateful for your video helping me get through the long, lonely, starving weekend. I do mention you in my FB groups. Would you please explain why we are not going to give up our wounds?
Thank you again, Alan, for your kind, deep perspective on seeking out relationship. I really needed to hear this message.
Thank you for the comment. Glad this is helpful.
There’s a hole in my heart and a void in my soul I can only hope time will heal.
I hear you.
Great to see you back, Alan! 😊
Thank you for the welcome back.
Alan is a verbal genius.
I appreciate the kind words.
Since you like this content you may also like to take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
can I work with you directly please?
It was very impressive. Thank you
Thanks for the kind words, glad this was helpful. Also check out the relationship quiz if interested. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you Alan. You put words to all of my feelings. 💕
Glad my work speaks to you.
This is so timely! Thank you!
Glad to hear that. You're welcome.
In grief and loss of a loved one to death …you just want to touch, kiss, hold the person again….This pain in loss of relationship is no different.
That’s how I view my 28 year marriage that came to an end. Like a death. I am grieving now, but I’m at the stage of acceptance. I can feel myself healing and moving on. I realize that the death of our marriage was inevitable, and something that needed to happen for us evolve.
I hear you. Thank you for the comment.
Alan youre a genius. Your teaching is amazing. Please consider writing a book ❤
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement.
Great to see you again!! ♥️♥️
Thank you.
You put this into words so well! Thank you so much for sharing and helping!
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work.
Hi Alan! I was so excited when your video just popped up on my feed with the words ‘2 days ago’ on it. So glad you’re back!! I love listening to you and learning from you. I discovered your videos during the pandemic and they helped me immensely. You speak with such passion and poetic effect. Thank you for sharing with us.
Thank you for the kind words and the warm welcome back. Glad to hear my work has been helpful for you.
That was truly incredible. You have such a gift for articulating the deeply submerged and unspoken. And you do it without selling false bravado or formulas. Just the plain truth, ugly, beautiful. Nothing can be more validating than that. Thank you.
Too real. Great video!
Thank you.
I had plenty of experiences, as you describe. As you mentioned in the movie, I was erased too many times.
This is why I don’t expect anything else from anybody.
I am reading about stoicism now, and it is centering me gradually as I absorb this way of living.
When I worked in a very human field, I had all of it because the people around me had the same formation and very similar values - that also matched the mission and values of the place.
Now, living here, outside, I don’t believe that it is possible to give and receive love without lots of hurt.
In my marriage, I found similar emotional intelligence in my work: we don’t expect, don’t charge the other, and we are accomplishing the only rule - be together forever. Period. We are not polluting the relationship with emotional reactions. It’s not complicated with avalanches of emotions daily. It’s soothing. Each one sustains our weight.
So far, it’s working.
But what you describe as being the world where we live is 100 percent true, and I don’t think it will change while we are in this three-dimensional place. It’s not possible due to the polarization of this place.
Not that there is no mourning for me. On the contrary, I am at the moment secluded by my choice to heal from family issues. A big load of frustration that is taking a significant while to detoxicate. I am in a new place alone to take care of my mother, who has Alzheimer’s. I talk every day to my husband. And as always, my husband is committed to being there for me, even if he doesn’t understand what I am going through. I try not to share too much of my grievances. Our lives (human beings’ lives) are individual. I try to listen carefully to the others, but I have learned that I don’t get what I need from others when I share too much. Human beings need good boundaries for any relationship to be able to survive.
In general, I notice that our peace depends on boundaries because humans are intense emotional creatures. Some are even hypersensitive, as in my case. This is why I don’t live for the external life as the source of anything, but my life has the inside-out movement.
I am always paying attention to not lose any new wish I may have or even reactions to be aware of it.
I am a curious observer now. I put my own identity in this observer after I got some maturity in life. And I am open to helping others if I can.
I try not to mix with others' emotional mud. I embrace my individuality and my natural loneliness. I have accepted it.
No one can love us as ourselves. We can’t lose ourselves in others.
I can’t share my reality with my husband because our realities are too different. But we have our domestic life to share, our pets, cooking, and health - these are what our talking and sharing is about.
The rest of our skills are very different to be able to share.
We can even apply The Law of Attraction to get what we want from life but not others. They have their free will and their plan.
If you find someone who can be in a marriage and not run away, only this promise and being a good person make it possible because we need at least another one accomplishing their promises to us, even because of our survival needs.
I know I need to stick to what is familiar, and I know my husband can die first. Only this fact is enough for my anxiety and worry because I can’t ever recover what I do have now.
Thank you for the thoughtful, meaningful comment.
Strumming my pain with your common sense_ Thanks
Thanks for the comment. Glad my work speaks to you.
nail on the head. Thank you for articulating my deep wound and deep heartbreak.
Essentially you’re left feeling like you don’t exist, or are dead. 😢
The urge to be known and understood-
I think this is how religion is born.
We long for absolute immersion into love.
Mortals don’t make it. But still we search
What an amazing video! I feel so seen in my experience and feel so much less alone. Thank you Alan! 🙏
I appreciate the comment. Glad this video resonates for you. Thank you for valuing my effort.
I strongly disagree that my wound is “my identity”.
Awesome work. The depth of your theory and words resonates! I take notes .
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit.
Thank you! This message is so apropros for situation right now. Very excellent presentation and helping us to see the many layers to these type of relationships.
This is one of the most outstanding insights of all times. Thank You Alan
Always so poignant.
Thanks.
Wowza! Quiet and deeply profound! And resonates as truth ❤😜 ty!
I can’t stop listening to this 💯👌🏼
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad my work speaks to you.
These exploratory talks are a balm.
I just ended watching this. I cried a few times when sudden realizations hit. I am in love with my dysfunction. As I was watching your video I was literally pulling my hair out in distress because I was also watching the video as a substitude for a male mentor figure because I lack a father. But I also learned something in the process. In my relationships I am not really there nor do I know people who are really there in turn. It's crushing, and I wanna give up. My inability to be vulnerable with people is killing me.
If I am in love with my dysfunction - is there even a way out?
So glad to see your new videos!❤❤❤
Thanks.
Your message is always so profound and often brings me to tears. Truly grateful for the gift you provide to the world. Thank you!
I appreciate the kind comment. Thank you for sharing my work is moving for you and thank you for valuing my effort.
you put so much into this many thanks
Thank you for seeing my effort. Glad it brings benefit.
oh benefits beyond benefits will listen to this over and over your insight so pointed and so well spoken
Thank you.
I've been in this for two years 😭
I so wanted to believe that he was going to value connection over his own wounds.
"all that's been offered is the promise,"
Well initially, there was vulnerability, there was connection, there was open communication. Until there wasn't. The year prior to dating we were much closer, and as soon as he became attached, it seemed like he became unwilling to show up to the table to talk things out. I didn't understand.
"suffering is designed to disconnect us from our own resources"
I hear you.
Preach.🔥
I listen to your videos multiple times a day to push through my barriers. Your passion is much appreciated. You offer some of the most profound insights on these topics. You are a genuine lifesaver. Thank you!
I appreciate the kind comment. Thank you for valuing my work and glad it is helpful and offers value.
Please take the UA-cam link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
Once I googled "why do I cry most of the day after my bully moved out?" Alan's "the breakup that broke the dam" was the blessed search result. I felt not crazy, not alone, and listened to you, Alan, to keep an even keel those dam-broken years. "Into My Hands", and the taste of a plum. ❤️
So you say somebody gives to get and you are surprised why such things fail by having frustrating relationships or not getting off of the relationship? Love is not giving to get. Love is giving without expecting something in return and then it always returns. Maybe not where I gave but by someone else. Where somebody else didn't step up. Promises (talk) needs to be fulfilled not just said by both sides. Love is not somebody else fulfilling others' promises or wishes. Why didn't you step up instead of complaining about unrequitedness?! You want to be rescued by the other from unrequited love. It wont happen until you step up to reality, and accept both failure of the potential and success in actuality without complaining and not communicating your needs, but being a mentor because the other is not a mind reader.
This video is misleading and a genius illustration of the problem. Actually, this is raising a question but not giving the true answer to people... ''Failure is not the opposite of success, but a part of success."
Did we watch the same video?
...when we prescribe how people should be, as someone raised in a high-conflict, narcissistic family, we only voice a desperate frustration, and as Alan said, anger can be a phase , if it serves some detaching from destructive relationships,
But in the long run, it's just an impossible fight to , as told in the video, preserve our idealizations.
...and the love that gives without expecting anything back is not the mutual relationships discussed in this channel
@@chiarayavhnoska966 True. But the video was all about complaint: ''Poor me, they don't love me.'' And it was judgmental and averse to asking for what I need, and to giving promises that ''must be fulfilled'', and about not standing up for oneself but blaming the other who betrayed me.
Dude, reciprocity is not a bargain.
I can’t.. the death of the promise. I’m crushed and despondent and I have to accept it? If everyone is hurting, how does anyone get into healthy relationship? I understand the appeal of death.
Empathy to you. I hear you.
Hearts to you ❤
Your WISDOM is a heaven of stars lightening up my darkest forests
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings you benefit.
I’ve been watching your PHENOMENAL content for a few years- it wasn’t until recently that I’ve bang to truly HEAR your messages!! I appreciate you SO much🦄💜
For me I just miss that person. I cut things off because I realized it wasn’t going anywhere. But I just miss his humour and fun conversations. I am worthy of a beautiful relationship and it’s hard to think it won’t be with them. I am also grieving the loss of my husband whom I was in a relationships for 20 years. Both of this together has been painful and makes me not even want to try for love again.
I've experienced good relationships for periods of time, but too short and too infrequently and followed by too much suffering.
But being alone also causes suffering so I keep trying.
I so very deeply regard your message and the core truth of it. Your obvious compassion via your personal experience and studies come through as a powerful, united statement of "knowing" and kindness in your remarks. So much more can be said, but to be brief, THANK YOU . 🙏♥💪🌌
I appreciate the kind comment. Glad my work brings you value.
This was the most brilliant way explaining a break up and being left feeling empathy for one another without any judgement.You gave me lots of hope for thinking positively and not give upon future relationships.Thank You!
Great to hear this video brought you some hope and positivity. I appreciate the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort.
I remember when we talked about hope around relationships in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The mention was similar to your comment. Take the relationship quiz to learn more about the Community. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you for coming back! I really hope you were able to get a good break in and enjoy your time away to refresh.
So glad to see you are back to making videos. I want to take the opportunity to thank you for all you do. Your content over the years has been a life-changer for me. At one point I had some of them playing on an endless loop, just to stop myself from ruminating. You have an incredible insight into Attachment Trauma and the hard work of self-healing, Alan, and are providing a great and valuable service to the world. Thank you.
I appreciate the kind words and thank you for sharing my work has been so helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my effort.
That was phenomenal Alan. Good to see you making videos again
promises promises promises 😢
I hear you. Glad this video spoke to you.
Please share this video with others to help spread this topic. Thank you.
I can relate to the above comment “ your strumming my pain”
You speak directly to my soul this day and many other days 🤯. Your kind words spoken through poetry of experience, an experience more known than how it feels inside. Spoken to me through you and to others .....an experience felt through the ages with me and others broken. Shared experience. Shared trauma. Shared truth. Shared knowledge. Shared healing. Thank you. ❤️
Thank you for sharing this video and my work spoke so deeply for you. I often speak from personal experience and from the many shared conversations with others. It's validating when others can relate with us. Topics like this come up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Thank you for the kind feedback.
www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you
Thanks for the support.
I thought I loved him, but I loved his wound. Now I feel so rejected and love feels like something that over and over again leaves me feeling more alone than if I was on my own. I keep going back for more because I think that it is love. I go back in the name of “love.” Am I just going back in the name of the wound?
Great insight. Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Many of us can relate and it's so good to be talking about this concept of loving the wound.
Thank you so much Alan! So adequately put and reflects so closely on what's been circulating on my mind! I couldn't live up to the expectation of his and in hurt and selfishness cheated to find another source of warmth, which I am deeply sorry for. It appears that it would be impossible for him to see through that, at least now, and as much as my inner child is dying at the failure of the promise of reciprocation, I know that he is lost in his hurt too. We definitely rushed the relationship and that lack of foundation blinded us with so much assumptions about each other. I love him and cherish him deeply so will consistently show up as a friend to support him in all the ways I can. Thank you again ♥
Thank you for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate. Glad this video sparked reflection for you.
Thank you for creating this video. Your knowledge and insights are always helpful.
You're welcome. I appreciate the feedback and thank you for valuing my effort.
This is very helpful, thank you so much! It made me cry a lot but it helps with the grief and .. maybe starting a process to accept the situation. And focus on other things instead of trying to find impossible solutions every waking minute.
Thank you for sharing this video was moving for you. Glad my work brings you benefit.
So much value! Incredible wisdom and generosity in your work- thank you as ever!
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings value.
I know when we mentioned this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you for posting this. I’m learning so much and seeing myself in this OMG
Glad this video speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my effort.
he vanished
Empathy to you.
This video was incredibly helpful. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this was so helpful for you and thank you for valuing my work.
Please share this UA-cam video on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thank you for the help and I appreciate the feedback.
thank you
You're welcome.
❤
Thanks. You may also like the relationship quiz:
www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thanks!
Thank you for the support
my life
I hear you.
I love to see you back after the 5y break. Such a great video thank you!
Thank you for the kind words and the welcome back. Glad this video is helpful.
Please share this UA-cam video on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thank you.
Thanks. But I wish I had your guidance regarding Unrequited Love back in the Summer of 1992. I just pushed it out of my mind, thinking, “I'll deal with this pain later, and I don't need to think about it now.” I still have a portion of this grief. Did you ever have a patient that held on to this pain for three decades?
Thank you for sharing your grief. Yes many of us can relate.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma
I like to believe that I wasn't really attracted to her. I know I felt pity for her family environment. How would I make use of your services?
Thank you, Alan. ❤ Your videos mean so much!
You're welcome. Glad my work brings you benefit.
It really sucks to be dropped or drop someone just like that.
I hear you.
So glad you are back 😊
Thank you for all the work you put into these videos.
Thank you for valuing my effort and I'm glad it brings you benefit.
Please take the UA-cam link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps spread the word on topics like this. Thank you for your help.
Thank you ❤
You're very empathetic
Thank you.
you look more clear and healthy
Thanks.
We are happy to see you.
Thank you.
Love to see you back ❤
Thank you.
Thank you again!!
You're welcome.
Thank you 🙏
You're welcome.
Bravo 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽! I watched this video at least five times! Masterful and profound! 🥹
I appreciate the kind words, thank you for valuing my effort.