1. Reframe Anxiety as Excitement 2. Don't take advice from someone who's life you don't want 3. Don't take criticism from someone who isn't in the arena 4. Relationships are rarely healthier than your self-esteem (be comfortable by yourself) 5. Don't be afraid to be bad (nor cringe) 6. Boundaries are bridges, not walls (have the hard conversations) 7. Respond, don't react (practice emotional regulation) 8. When you are upset, don't text, don't tweet, don't kill yourself (is her mantra during crises) 9. The answer is probably simpler than you think (check if you meet your basic needs) 10. Don't underestimate 15 minutes a day (compound interest of your actions is powerful)
But what if my ADHD and Autism immediately sees right through that mental trick and is like "no, I see what you're doing, and I am gonna veto that bullshit and just keep acting on impulse and obsession over pointless things"? God I hate AuDHD
#8 My mantra: 1) Does it need to be said? 2) Does it need to be said now? 3) Does it need to be said by me? I started asking myself these questions during online interactions, but it works in the real world as well.
Anna!!!! Girl you basically raised me, I have been watching you since I was like 14 lol. I am 27 now and graduate from my graduate program this Saturday and I can wholeheartedly say you got me through my teens and early 20's. And inspired me to go to college to study therapy and become a therapist. So thank you! LOVE YOU!
#5 I heard a talk about American researchers observing grade school classes in Japan. The told the story of a student attempting to draw a 3D cube on the chalk board and kept failing and kept failing. Then he got it right and the class cheered when he got it correct after several tries. The American researchers were used to the American ethos of rewarding "rightness." The best student is the one get the answer right the first time, quickly and easily. They wrote they imagine the American version of this story that the student is terribly embarrassed and the class feeling the cringe at the embarrassment. They noted that the Japanese students rewarded effort and determination, not "rightness."
Sounds like the Japanese students also rewarded correctness: they didn't cheer until he got it right. The difference is that they didn't belittle him for making mistakes.
@@blahblah49000 Well, the goal of school is learn to do operations correctly. The point is the kid who walks up and does it easily is not seen as "the best student." The one who works through adversity and stays with it is the one that gets the social reward.
@@davidwilliams9302 The way you put it, it sounds like the best thing to do is to play dumb, to pretend to struggle. Obviously that would be silly, so there's probably more nuance to the context than is conveyed in the talk you heard.
@@blahblah49000 If the goal is to manipulate your peers to praise, then go with your scheme. The point is hard work and overcoming obstacles is the thing that is rewarded. Not simply being good at it the first time with little effort.
@@davidwilliams9302 What "scheme" of "mine" are you talking about? How do you know that the student who walks to the board and already knows the solution didn't spend many hours in private study and fail many times before he learned the solution? How do you know how much effort it took him? How do you know that the student who struggled in front of his peers just didn't bother to do his homework last night? What are you even arguing for?
When you said 're-frame anxiety as excitement', all I could think of was Jessie from Saved By The Bell belting out 'I'm so Excited! I'm so excited, I'm so scared!' while having a meltdown over her pill addiction. Growing up in the 90s was a wild ride
Me too. (Even though she kept joking about it. 😂 I thought that was tacky. But it somehow worked for her.) I literally have hated the word anxiety because people use it exclusively to mean apprehension. Anxiety is more about the fear or what is happening right now. Like if you driving down a street and afraid of getting hit by another car RIGHT NOW. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard of anxiety as being afraid of the past or future. That’s not really just anxiety. Apprehension is fear of the future. I suppose that you could have anxiety and apprehension about the same situation and that is the worst. I’m homeless right now and that gives me anxiety and apprehension. Because things are already really bad, and they can get much worse.
It's bullshit though, her advice works for mild anxiety. Stronger anxiety stems from genuine experiences where things did go wrong, and those things emotionally overwhelmed you. Look into inner child work, IFS or reparenting, if you want to learn how to process the overwhelming emotions carried by our younger selves/inner child that anxiety is trying to prevent from triggering. Once you create a healthy relationship and sense of security with them, they will not feel in danger anymore and your anxiety will naturally relax.
Rule #9 has been a journey for me. For a long time I had this notion that it was very childlike to have your emotions swayed so heavily by whether or not you missed a meal. "Oh are you grumpy? Did you miss snack time?" And that adults can make compromises in self care in order to attend to their responsibilities and not have a negative impact on their moods. But once I made the connection between my anxiety spikes and my hypoglycemia I've been making sure I have a balanced meal at least twice a day and nuts for a snack whenever needed. When I start to panic I'll eat something, anything and I calm down within the hour. It really is the simple things.
Rule 10. Don't underestimate the hardship of 15 mins a day. While sustained effort makes for great impact, it takes an enormous effort to make any effort sustained. Developping new habbits is the hardest thing a person can do.
The first one is actually good advice. I had a lot of anxiety when I was younger and a massive way I got over it was by changing my attitude. Instead of looking at what was worrying and looking at it as something to avoid, I started looking at it as an opportunity for me to overcome and grow from.
Thank you for including the neurodivergent caveat to the difficulty with change. I’m autistic and have difficulty with sudden changes, especially if it’s something I’ve planned and prepared for. I don’t throw a fit or anything like that, but I do feel the disappointment of it very strongly and may need some time to regulate my emotions. Neurodivergent people often get misunderstood as narcissistic or borderline or controlling because we can struggle with things that others don’t, and it can look on the outside like controlling behaviour or manipulation, but it’s usually just coming from a place of feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Communication is always the solution!
Hey i dont watch your vids much anymore as im in a better place and have made progress in my own therapy, but i miss your content and think you're awesome and hope you keep helping people like you helped me!!
Thanks. ^^ I failed an exam yesterday by 1%, so I've been trying to kick myself into a higher gear today. And like, even though I don't watch you regularly, YOU'RE the person I'd take advice from. The miniscule glimpses of your life that you share and that I happen to see had a big impact on me just getting up and doing things.
Anna, I like your list. I have "a friend" who needs to read this list and he/she need to take it to heart. None of it applies to me, of course.😁 Things that you might want to consider. (My apologies to the smart people below who have already mentioned the same things.) 1. Consider taking advice only from humble people. Broken people who are humble give great advice. In contrast, if you talk to an arrogant person in your arena, is their advice really worth taking? 2. Consider calling boundaries "draw bridges" instead of bridges. Draw bridges can still be extended as opposed to a wall. However, some situations require a closed bridge, especially when physical and emotional danger are present.
Love the drawbridges frame! Haven't heard that before! Also, I think that humility is a great point -- and resonates with the "whose life you want piece." I don't want to be someone who is seeking power over others and can't listen so why would I take advice from them?
So, hearing out an arrogant person's perspective and then digesting the implications can often tell you exactly what you DON'T want to do/be for your future in that arena. At the same time, sometimes the most selfish/narc person on your team may convince you to be a little bit selfish and that is helpful if you are used to being a people pleaser. You wouldn't live exactly the way they live, but you're picking up TONS of cues on exactly how not-to-fly-too-close-to-the-sun. I don't think an arrogant person in the same arena should be devalued just because you're uncomfortable by it. The people who pushed humility on me the most were the ones who just weren't okay with themselves, and needed me to be on their level so they could feel "fair". I don't think perpetuating insecurities was the right answer, no matter how humble they thought they were. I hope you someday are comfortable enough with your expertise not to require this stipulation in interpersonal relations.
The fact there was writing advice in there just makes this even more for me. I always aim to write at least a sentence for my screenplay, progress is progress and that's closer to another episode being done. Also, that anxiety vs excitement is mind blowing, I'll defiantly give it a go!
These rules are gold for anyone looking to enhance their personal and professional life! Especially reframing anxiety as excitement-it transforms challenges into opportunities. 🌟
With the 1e she studied people that tried to get excited instead of calming down. And found that reframing to excitement worked better than trying to calm down
I was going to say that you have wisdom beyond your years, but in light of how much I like your advice and your generational comedy I will just say GREAT ADVICE!
I really like your advice that it's okay to do things that you're bad at. That opens up so many doors for me because there's so many things I wanna do that I haven't mustered up the courage to do yet for fear of sucking. Thanks anna.
Though i am overly aware of it, i hadn't thought about the fact that I wake up every morning using my anxiety to keep my excitements in check... especially as there is sometimes only a couple of 15 minute breaks between resorting relationships 🎉 a friend in need is a friend in deed.
In regards to #4, I feel like self-esteem improves your relationships. The more confidence and contentment I have, the more I am able to be a good friend and family member to the people around me. When we feel good, the people who love us are delighted.
#4 alternate view from therapist Jessica Fern (Anna, you should meet her!) When you say "the first thing you want is be comfortable by yourself." Fern agrees with that for a lot of people. She calls it "having a Secure Attachment with oneself." However! She says at times, we need to practice secure with others before we can offer the gift of Secure Attachment with ourselves. Fern's book PolySecure is the best How-To manual I've come across on Attachment. Even if you're not polyamorous, her version of explanations and lessons and practices is the best I have found. Even monogamous people really should consider it. Fun fact, she just came out with a new book called Poly-Wise. Her ideas on Attachment were meant to be a single chapter in this book. Her editor at the time declared that the whole discussion on Attachment was so important, it needed its own book. So PolySecure doesn't really lean heavily into the subject of polyamory because it was never really intended to.
My favorite was rule #1, but Anna's definitely right about simple things. I had some problems and realized that I hadn't eaten enough. It didn't solve everything, but I felt a little better after I had eaten something.
Actually that is true. My sister is a school teacher and loves teaching and learning so her advice to everything is to get more education. I do not want that life.
Rule 1: Absolutely Perfect for someone like me who has an "Unspecified Anxiety Disorder" as a prominent member on my long list of disorders. I'll be doing that in the coming days before I come to your show in Raleigh to alleviate the pressure some of my family have been putting on me to bring the equivalent of a bodyguard with me. Rule 5: Being afraid of being bad has actually stopped me from accepting a fair number of job offers in fields that almost anyone with or without a degree could take on. I've always been afraid of any sort of customer service aspect of any job before I started working at Home Depot (although the customer service aspect is quite minimal for freight shifts, but it's there, and it worked out well in the times I did have to talk to customers after all) I'm also going to use this rule going forward into my future voiceover aspirations. Rule 9: Ironically, due to my night job, I sit in the dark every day in order to keep my sleeping patterns consistent, and it's at a point I'm looking for a new regular side job that happens during daylight hours again. And this is just how I take these particular rules. I'll make a point of working out how the rest resonate with me, because pretty much everything I have ever watched on your channel has resonated with me in some helpful way or other.
Original source for rule #3 at timestamp 1:25: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” ― Theodore Roosevelt
I really dislike the "Never take advice from someone whose life you don't want". There are plenty of people in my life who are wise, kind, and honest, and give great advice - and usually it's the people who have dealt with a lot of tragedy, bad luck, poverty, loneliness, etc. What's more important to do is to evaluate how someone generally makes you feel day to day, and cross reference that with their personal life experience on the matter. If the person you're dealing with is kind person who has unique insight on the topic, it doesn't matter if their life is difficult or sad - sad people can be wise too. Sometimes, more wise than the happy ones.
That's taking advice from someone who has resilience & able to cope with life's problems with grace - that's a life/personality trait I'd say I'd want!
@@AnnaAkana So don't look at their life look at specific personality traits or aera's of knowledge? I really don't want my best friends life, but she still give great advice, and my father and plenty of other people. '
I think this is more geared toward "here's how I got where i am!" type of advice. like I remember watching Lilly Singh's videos like a decade ago where she goes "for the hyper mega kind of success, you *have* to hustle, and you *have* to work harder than your competitors". and like, what she was saying was true, but that advice presupposed that the listener *wanted* that kind of hyper mega success, which I didn't, so I just ignored it and went to seek people who had values more similar to mine, to see how they got where *they* were
@@alissa6380this! Although I want someone’s life but what if are values do not align? I wouldn’t take advice from them either. Just like what Anna says, I guess just take what resonates. :)
I really like what you said. Much better stated than I would have done. Is the core of your insight finding someone who is humble and knows what they are talking about?
1:03 this also works vice versa. if someone comes to YOU for advice or you give advice to someone and they genuinely take it and use it in their lives, relish and enjoy that YOU’RE a person, that someone else thinks, have a way of living life that they want to replicate. and don’t get in your head about it tho lol.
#3 sounds like Theodore Roosevelt speech. “ is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
I think for the advice thing it’s less about who you take advice from but how you take advice. You can take advice from anyone, but just realize that no matter how well it worked for them it might not work at all for you, you have to try stuff, if it doesn’t work for you don’t do it.
1:03 I was really surprised when the paragraph started, 'We live in the age of advice, right? Whether it's like hacks online or our friends offering up personal anecdotes... ' that the punchline wasn't, 'or me!'
Not sure if I agree ENTIRELY w the idea that we shouldn’t take advice from people whose lives we don’t want. I’m gonna listen to an addict telling me to never do drugs. I’m gonna listen to my therapist whose life I don’t wish to live. And me personally I’m fully aware my life isn’t picture perfect and I have extreme circumstances holding me back but each person has their own wisdoms to share that can be super valuable. I might have better discernment than someone else who just happened to get very lucky. So. Yeah, taking it with a grain of salt. Much of life under capitalism isn’t that straight forward
I think you art criticism analogy can have wider applications. For example I am not an automotive engineer so my opinion has no weight in regards to selecting materials, designing the engine, sourcing manufacturers etc... However as someone who owns and operates a car I have valid feedback with regards to what features I use and what I want from my vehicle. I want better energy economy, I wish the seat belt attached lower so it doesn't choke me, I wish they would get rid of the carpet and install solid floors that are easier to clean.
Single dad of 3, this all resonates so well and holds so true. Not that I'm hard looking for a partner as my focus is my family, but I am hard looking at being a better me and dad. Hope to find someone who shares similar values as what you describe because, ideally, communication is key.
boundaries 👏 are 👏 bridges! 👏 #1 doesn't work if you have anxiety disorder (and are in an anxious state), but I think this proves the point that you can transform the "bad" anxiety into "good" anxiety emotionally. #2 and 3# are true most of the time, but I see them more as a protection. There's a chance someone has good advice to offer even though they don't understand your situation fully. Or they may be unable to improve their own line in a specific way because of some other factor. You could come to a new conclusion that's inspired by their advice, instead of taking it at face value. I don't agree to shelter yourself from it completely, but yeah if in doubt, trash it. (personally for me this goes regardless whether they're kind or rude, but rude behaviour is a good indicator that they probably don't have your best interest in mind)
Excellent list, the bulk of which I found instructive. On point #4 however, where I think you might be tripping over yourself slightly, I might suggest you take relationship advice from those in long-term relationships you find interesting in some way. You may also want to avoid giving relationship advice without relating it to your own relationship :) I would suggest that relationships are very often healthier than our self esteme, and are a primary mechanism by which we work through aspects of self. I base this loose view on my own 16 year relationship, and those long-term relationships of close friends. My experience in this area is counter to your own... Which isn't a problem at all, I'm just providing some counter feedback. #7 Respond, don't react, is perhaps the most important item on the list for me, as I can be highly and inappropriately reactive. The importance of my marriage to me provided enough motivation to make headway with that one. I had lacked sufficient motivation previously. The health of my long-term relationship lives or dies on this one. #10 underestimating 15 minutes is probably the item I could make most progress with currently. I need to be learning Spanish at present, and I really need to wrap my head around this one. Love your channel, and more specifically, your pitch is perfect.
Good Advice... and I definitely need a little snack. Thanks... do you have one? Or were you just playig with my emotions!? I don't think I can handle this any longer...
The intro was fantastic, and I liked the advice. The relationship one...ooof... ...OOOOF...the desire to "Fill a void" in me with a relationship has been a major part of my existence...
Hmm. #4... I get the premise of this one... it's hard to be happy with others if you're not happy with yourself. But I would think that you would want yourself to be happier when you're in a relationship than you would without the relationship. This helps with the bonding process and helps create and maintain that 'For the rest of our lives' kind of relationship. Take me for example. Self-proclaimed Hermit. I'm completely happy to be alone. But this hurts my chances for a relationship, because if I'm happier on my own than while in a relationship, that relationship will not last. You want to be a part of something that will make life better... and, to be blunt... if you're starting from a lower bar, it's a lot easier to achieve that than if your bar is very high. To sum up... being comfortable/happy by yourself does not necessarily mean you'll be happier in a relationship.
Brene Brown did mention constructive criticism when she talked about comments on her literature or mistakes she has made so I don't know if your exception is necessary. What you are referencing is her talking about those in the "cheap seats".
I'd suggest a caveat to rule 2: If the person sees no problems with living their life that you wouldn't want to live yourself, then their advice is, at best, coming from a place of having very different priorities than your own, and therefore probably isn't of much value to your own. If the person is self-aware that they're in a bad place and their advice is oriented towards not ending up in the same position they are, though, it probably is worth at least considering.
1. Reframe Anxiety as Excitement
2. Don't take advice from someone who's life you don't want
3. Don't take criticism from someone who isn't in the arena
4. Relationships are rarely healthier than your self-esteem (be comfortable by yourself)
5. Don't be afraid to be bad (nor cringe)
6. Boundaries are bridges, not walls (have the hard conversations)
7. Respond, don't react (practice emotional regulation)
8. When you are upset, don't text, don't tweet, don't kill yourself (is her mantra during crises)
9. The answer is probably simpler than you think (check if you meet your basic needs)
10. Don't underestimate 15 minutes a day (compound interest of your actions is powerful)
Thank you for this. Now I can watch without stopping to take notes. :D
@@rodrigoaraujoyoh Welcome :)
#5 - The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried
Thank you!
Have the strength to forget past mistakes, forget failures, forget everything except what you're 😒
"Gaslight yourself into success" is the solulu to my delulu
But what if my ADHD and Autism immediately sees right through that mental trick and is like "no, I see what you're doing, and I am gonna veto that bullshit and just keep acting on impulse and obsession over pointless things"?
God I hate AuDHD
Well, if you have to “gaslight yourself.” Then being delulu is your solulu.
I am afraid to take that advice in relationships exactly because I feel like it is going to increase my delulu xD
#8
My mantra: 1) Does it need to be said? 2) Does it need to be said now? 3) Does it need to be said by me?
I started asking myself these questions during online interactions, but it works in the real world as well.
Anna!!!! Girl you basically raised me, I have been watching you since I was like 14 lol. I am 27 now and graduate from my graduate program this Saturday and I can wholeheartedly say you got me through my teens and early 20's. And inspired me to go to college to study therapy and become a therapist. So thank you! LOVE YOU!
Rule 8 reminds me of what one of my friends once said to me, "Emotions pass, actions resonate."
#5 I heard a talk about American researchers observing grade school classes in Japan. The told the story of a student attempting to draw a 3D cube on the chalk board and kept failing and kept failing. Then he got it right and the class cheered when he got it correct after several tries. The American researchers were used to the American ethos of rewarding "rightness." The best student is the one get the answer right the first time, quickly and easily. They wrote they imagine the American version of this story that the student is terribly embarrassed and the class feeling the cringe at the embarrassment. They noted that the Japanese students rewarded effort and determination, not "rightness."
Sounds like the Japanese students also rewarded correctness: they didn't cheer until he got it right. The difference is that they didn't belittle him for making mistakes.
@@blahblah49000 Well, the goal of school is learn to do operations correctly. The point is the kid who walks up and does it easily is not seen as "the best student." The one who works through adversity and stays with it is the one that gets the social reward.
@@davidwilliams9302 The way you put it, it sounds like the best thing to do is to play dumb, to pretend to struggle. Obviously that would be silly, so there's probably more nuance to the context than is conveyed in the talk you heard.
@@blahblah49000 If the goal is to manipulate your peers to praise, then go with your scheme.
The point is hard work and overcoming obstacles is the thing that is rewarded. Not simply being good at it the first time with little effort.
@@davidwilliams9302 What "scheme" of "mine" are you talking about?
How do you know that the student who walks to the board and already knows the solution didn't spend many hours in private study and fail many times before he learned the solution? How do you know how much effort it took him? How do you know that the student who struggled in front of his peers just didn't bother to do his homework last night? What are you even arguing for?
When you said 're-frame anxiety as excitement', all I could think of was Jessie from Saved By The Bell belting out 'I'm so Excited! I'm so excited, I'm so scared!' while having a meltdown over her pill addiction. Growing up in the 90s was a wild ride
Rule number one hit me the most, cause anxiety has been getting at me for years. I’ll do what I can, thanks for the advice.❤
Me too. (Even though she kept joking about it. 😂 I thought that was tacky. But it somehow worked for her.)
I literally have hated the word anxiety because people use it exclusively to mean apprehension.
Anxiety is more about the fear or what is happening right now. Like if you driving down a street and afraid of getting hit by another car RIGHT NOW.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard of anxiety as being afraid of the past or future. That’s not really just anxiety.
Apprehension is fear of the future. I suppose that you could have anxiety and apprehension about the same situation and that is the worst.
I’m homeless right now and that gives me anxiety and apprehension.
Because things are already really bad, and they can get much worse.
It's bullshit though, her advice works for mild anxiety. Stronger anxiety stems from genuine experiences where things did go wrong, and those things emotionally overwhelmed you. Look into inner child work, IFS or reparenting, if you want to learn how to process the overwhelming emotions carried by our younger selves/inner child that anxiety is trying to prevent from triggering. Once you create a healthy relationship and sense of security with them, they will not feel in danger anymore and your anxiety will naturally relax.
I seriously appreciate how straight up and to-the-point your videos are. No random fillers and keeps my attention the whole time. Thank you!
Rule #9 has been a journey for me. For a long time I had this notion that it was very childlike to have your emotions swayed so heavily by whether or not you missed a meal.
"Oh are you grumpy? Did you miss snack time?"
And that adults can make compromises in self care in order to attend to their responsibilities and not have a negative impact on their moods. But once I made the connection between my anxiety spikes and my hypoglycemia I've been making sure I have a balanced meal at least twice a day and nuts for a snack whenever needed. When I start to panic I'll eat something, anything and I calm down within the hour. It really is the simple things.
Rule 10. Don't underestimate the hardship of 15 mins a day.
While sustained effort makes for great impact, it takes an enormous effort to make any effort sustained. Developping new habbits is the hardest thing a person can do.
Love this building off of it! Very true. Respect the effort in both directions.
The first one is actually good advice. I had a lot of anxiety when I was younger and a massive way I got over it was by changing my attitude. Instead of looking at what was worrying and looking at it as something to avoid, I started looking at it as an opportunity for me to overcome and grow from.
it's so simple yet so satisfying to see the name and picture of the researchers 🙏🏻✨
Thank you for including the neurodivergent caveat to the difficulty with change. I’m autistic and have difficulty with sudden changes, especially if it’s something I’ve planned and prepared for. I don’t throw a fit or anything like that, but I do feel the disappointment of it very strongly and may need some time to regulate my emotions. Neurodivergent people often get misunderstood as narcissistic or borderline or controlling because we can struggle with things that others don’t, and it can look on the outside like controlling behaviour or manipulation, but it’s usually just coming from a place of feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Communication is always the solution!
I gotta say, in today's world using real-life people as examples really proves the thought and effort. I love Anna's positive energy.
Hey i dont watch your vids much anymore as im in a better place and have made progress in my own therapy, but i miss your content and think you're awesome and hope you keep helping people like you helped me!!
I just want to say I appreciate you for spending thousands of dollars on therapy and then paying it forward to all of us :)
Thanks. ^^ I failed an exam yesterday by 1%, so I've been trying to kick myself into a higher gear today. And like, even though I don't watch you regularly, YOU'RE the person I'd take advice from. The miniscule glimpses of your life that you share and that I happen to see had a big impact on me just getting up and doing things.
Anna, I like your list. I have "a friend" who needs to read this list and he/she need to take it to heart. None of it applies to me, of course.😁
Things that you might want to consider. (My apologies to the smart people below who have already mentioned the same things.)
1. Consider taking advice only from humble people. Broken people who are humble give great advice. In contrast, if you talk to an arrogant person in your arena, is their advice really worth taking?
2. Consider calling boundaries "draw bridges" instead of bridges. Draw bridges can still be extended as opposed to a wall. However, some situations require a closed bridge, especially when physical and emotional danger are present.
Love the drawbridges frame! Haven't heard that before! Also, I think that humility is a great point -- and resonates with the "whose life you want piece." I don't want to be someone who is seeking power over others and can't listen so why would I take advice from them?
So, hearing out an arrogant person's perspective and then digesting the implications can often tell you exactly what you DON'T want to do/be for your future in that arena. At the same time, sometimes the most selfish/narc person on your team may convince you to be a little bit selfish and that is helpful if you are used to being a people pleaser. You wouldn't live exactly the way they live, but you're picking up TONS of cues on exactly how not-to-fly-too-close-to-the-sun.
I don't think an arrogant person in the same arena should be devalued just because you're uncomfortable by it. The people who pushed humility on me the most were the ones who just weren't okay with themselves, and needed me to be on their level so they could feel "fair". I don't think perpetuating insecurities was the right answer, no matter how humble they thought they were. I hope you someday are comfortable enough with your expertise not to require this stipulation in interpersonal relations.
I love how Anna really thinks about her audience. It’s so apparent with the pace and timing ❤❤ love you Anna!!
The fact there was writing advice in there just makes this even more for me. I always aim to write at least a sentence for my screenplay, progress is progress and that's closer to another episode being done. Also, that anxiety vs excitement is mind blowing, I'll defiantly give it a go!
Saving this in my favorites list! I don't put much on there. Thank you for this Anna. All excellent advice.
These rules are gold for anyone looking to enhance their personal and professional life! Especially reframing anxiety as excitement-it transforms challenges into opportunities. 🌟
Thank you for your kind words as always, Anna! ❤
this improved my mood
Wow right out the gate with number 1 speaking directly to my tasks for the day, thanks Anna!
With the 1e she studied people that tried to get excited instead of calming down. And found that reframing to excitement worked better than trying to calm down
I was going to say that you have wisdom beyond your years, but in light of how much I like your advice and your generational comedy I will just say GREAT ADVICE!
I really like your advice that it's okay to do things that you're bad at. That opens up so many doors for me because there's so many things I wanna do that I haven't mustered up the courage to do yet for fear of sucking. Thanks anna.
Thank you. That actually was quite helpful for me in this moment of time.
Checks: Haven't been on a date since 2015
I guess I am really comfortable with my alone time.
Thank you for posting these videos. I know this stuff is something we should know but it is good to be reminded.
Excellent, as always
Gracias
Im Living My Life Peacefully
Though i am overly aware of it, i hadn't thought about the fact that I wake up every morning using my anxiety to keep my excitements in check... especially as there is sometimes only a couple of 15 minute breaks between resorting relationships 🎉 a friend in need is a friend in deed.
Thanks Anna, I needed that.
In regards to #4, I feel like self-esteem improves your relationships. The more confidence and contentment I have, the more I am able to be a good friend and family member to the people around me. When we feel good, the people who love us are delighted.
you are honestly amazing
Fascinating analysis. Thanks Anna ✌🏾
Great tips and well presented, awesome job!
I bought tickets for Anna's standup in Edinburgh and I'm excitedddddd
I would listen to your audiobook/podcast very many times
I loved this!
Thank you Anna❤
Anna Akana is a comedian who made my great female comedians list, but she's more than a talented comedian, she's got great life advice.
LOVES LOVES YOU ANNA.MOST OF THESE RULES I TOTALY AGREE WITH YOU ON.
One of your best videos! 👏🏻
#4 alternate view from therapist Jessica Fern (Anna, you should meet her!)
When you say "the first thing you want is be comfortable by yourself." Fern agrees with that for a lot of people. She calls it "having a Secure Attachment with oneself." However! She says at times, we need to practice secure with others before we can offer the gift of Secure Attachment with ourselves.
Fern's book PolySecure is the best How-To manual I've come across on Attachment. Even if you're not polyamorous, her version of explanations and lessons and practices is the best I have found. Even monogamous people really should consider it.
Fun fact, she just came out with a new book called Poly-Wise. Her ideas on Attachment were meant to be a single chapter in this book. Her editor at the time declared that the whole discussion on Attachment was so important, it needed its own book. So PolySecure doesn't really lean heavily into the subject of polyamory because it was never really intended to.
Thanks!
My favorite was rule #1, but Anna's definitely right about simple things. I had some problems and realized that I hadn't eaten enough. It didn't solve everything, but I felt a little better after I had eaten something.
Incredible advice all around. Thank you.
3:28 “to be the graceful expert, u must first be the foolish beginner”
-wise person (I’m sorry idk Who )
reaaaally love all the advices!
1:01 Okay I'll not take advice from my teacher..as I don't want a teacher's life.😂
Sometimes, the wisdom of those who've struggled is invaluable.
Actually that is true. My sister is a school teacher and loves teaching and learning so her advice to everything is to get more education. I do not want that life.
@@TheWhisperTexan Her advice on what to wear is 'get more education'? She is DEDICATED
Donte get advice about a different profession from a teacher
@@ApequHdont get advice about clothes from a bad dresser no matter the job they do.
@@ApequH Hey why don't you educate yourself on what the hip men are wearing. So yes the answer for everything is education.
Rule 1: Absolutely Perfect for someone like me who has an "Unspecified Anxiety Disorder" as a prominent member on my long list of disorders. I'll be doing that in the coming days before I come to your show in Raleigh to alleviate the pressure some of my family have been putting on me to bring the equivalent of a bodyguard with me.
Rule 5: Being afraid of being bad has actually stopped me from accepting a fair number of job offers in fields that almost anyone with or without a degree could take on. I've always been afraid of any sort of customer service aspect of any job before I started working at Home Depot (although the customer service aspect is quite minimal for freight shifts, but it's there, and it worked out well in the times I did have to talk to customers after all) I'm also going to use this rule going forward into my future voiceover aspirations.
Rule 9: Ironically, due to my night job, I sit in the dark every day in order to keep my sleeping patterns consistent, and it's at a point I'm looking for a new regular side job that happens during daylight hours again.
And this is just how I take these particular rules. I'll make a point of working out how the rest resonate with me, because pretty much everything I have ever watched on your channel has resonated with me in some helpful way or other.
Anna, The production level is top notch on all your videos. Do you have a team or do all this yourself?
Love it Anna as always ❤
Original source for rule #3 at timestamp 1:25:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
― Theodore Roosevelt
I really dislike the "Never take advice from someone whose life you don't want". There are plenty of people in my life who are wise, kind, and honest, and give great advice - and usually it's the people who have dealt with a lot of tragedy, bad luck, poverty, loneliness, etc. What's more important to do is to evaluate how someone generally makes you feel day to day, and cross reference that with their personal life experience on the matter. If the person you're dealing with is kind person who has unique insight on the topic, it doesn't matter if their life is difficult or sad - sad people can be wise too. Sometimes, more wise than the happy ones.
That's taking advice from someone who has resilience & able to cope with life's problems with grace - that's a life/personality trait I'd say I'd want!
@@AnnaAkana So don't look at their life look at specific personality traits or aera's of knowledge?
I really don't want my best friends life, but she still give great advice, and my father and plenty of other people. '
I think this is more geared toward "here's how I got where i am!" type of advice. like I remember watching Lilly Singh's videos like a decade ago where she goes "for the hyper mega kind of success, you *have* to hustle, and you *have* to work harder than your competitors". and like, what she was saying was true, but that advice presupposed that the listener *wanted* that kind of hyper mega success, which I didn't, so I just ignored it and went to seek people who had values more similar to mine, to see how they got where *they* were
@@alissa6380this! Although I want someone’s life but what if are values do not align? I wouldn’t take advice from them either. Just like what Anna says, I guess just take what resonates. :)
I really like what you said. Much better stated than I would have done. Is the core of your insight finding someone who is humble and knows what they are talking about?
Thank you Anna.
All of these are gold
My mom always said "consider the source." I always live by that.
So helpful !!!
These are gold. Thanks
Your content rocks 👍🏽👍🏽
Rule Number four is very accurate. Plus, this is something that I knew, now that I look at the ongoing pattern of my past relationships.
Thanks Anna for great advice and much needed insight.
🎉 really good. Thank you ❤
1:03 this also works vice versa. if someone comes to YOU for advice or you give advice to someone and they genuinely take it and use it in their lives, relish and enjoy that YOU’RE a person, that someone else thinks, have a way of living life that they want to replicate. and don’t get in your head about it tho lol.
#4 is the wisdom of the gods.
#10 is so helpful to me as a writer
#3 sounds like Theodore Roosevelt speech. “ is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Good one Anna! ❤
I think for the advice thing it’s less about who you take advice from but how you take advice. You can take advice from anyone, but just realize that no matter how well it worked for them it might not work at all for you, you have to try stuff, if it doesn’t work for you don’t do it.
1:03 I was really surprised when the paragraph started, 'We live in the age of advice, right? Whether it's like hacks online or our friends offering up personal anecdotes... ' that the punchline wasn't, 'or me!'
i love you 😣
Not sure if I agree ENTIRELY w the idea that we shouldn’t take advice from people whose lives we don’t want. I’m gonna listen to an addict telling me to never do drugs. I’m gonna listen to my therapist whose life I don’t wish to live. And me personally I’m fully aware my life isn’t picture perfect and I have extreme circumstances holding me back but each person has their own wisdoms to share that can be super valuable. I might have better discernment than someone else who just happened to get very lucky. So. Yeah, taking it with a grain of salt. Much of life under capitalism isn’t that straight forward
Rule 11. Watch Anna Akana because she always gives the best funny and insightful videos.
You really do have a beautiful brain, in spite of the fact that I only agree with it half of the time; so, I have decided to follow you once more.
I think you art criticism analogy can have wider applications. For example I am not an automotive engineer so my opinion has no weight in regards to selecting materials, designing the engine, sourcing manufacturers etc... However as someone who owns and operates a car I have valid feedback with regards to what features I use and what I want from my vehicle.
I want better energy economy, I wish the seat belt attached lower so it doesn't choke me, I wish they would get rid of the carpet and install solid floors that are easier to clean.
Single dad of 3, this all resonates so well and holds so true. Not that I'm hard looking for a partner as my focus is my family, but I am hard looking at being a better me and dad. Hope to find someone who shares similar values as what you describe because, ideally, communication is key.
love love love this!
Deym number 2 hit home!
Better help is actually undergoing lawsuits and notoriously underpays their therapists. Trying to be the Uber of therapy
Aww ... Bless y'all's heart 🛌 ☕⏳ 🌎 📖 🛐 🌄
boundaries 👏 are 👏 bridges! 👏
#1 doesn't work if you have anxiety disorder (and are in an anxious state), but I think this proves the point that you can transform the "bad" anxiety into "good" anxiety emotionally.
#2 and 3# are true most of the time, but I see them more as a protection. There's a chance someone has good advice to offer even though they don't understand your situation fully. Or they may be unable to improve their own line in a specific way because of some other factor. You could come to a new conclusion that's inspired by their advice, instead of taking it at face value.
I don't agree to shelter yourself from it completely, but yeah if in doubt, trash it. (personally for me this goes regardless whether they're kind or rude, but rude behaviour is a good indicator that they probably don't have your best interest in mind)
Excellent list, the bulk of which I found instructive. On point #4 however, where I think you might be tripping over yourself slightly, I might suggest you take relationship advice from those in long-term relationships you find interesting in some way. You may also want to avoid giving relationship advice without relating it to your own relationship :)
I would suggest that relationships are very often healthier than our self esteme, and are a primary mechanism by which we work through aspects of self. I base this loose view on my own 16 year relationship, and those long-term relationships of close friends. My experience in this area is counter to your own... Which isn't a problem at all, I'm just providing some counter feedback.
#7 Respond, don't react, is perhaps the most important item on the list for me, as I can be highly and inappropriately reactive. The importance of my marriage to me provided enough motivation to make headway with that one. I had lacked sufficient motivation previously. The health of my long-term relationship lives or dies on this one.
#10 underestimating 15 minutes is probably the item I could make most progress with currently. I need to be learning Spanish at present, and I really need to wrap my head around this one.
Love your channel, and more specifically, your pitch is perfect.
#5 is literally my favorite quote from Adventure Time: "Dude, sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something." -Jake the dog
wow this was magic! I was just journaling today on accepting my anxiety, once and for all!!- lol just kidding ;) but yeah, I agree with the shift :)
Good Advice... and I definitely need a little snack. Thanks... do you have one? Or were you just playig with my emotions!? I don't think I can handle this any longer...
The intro was fantastic, and I liked the advice. The relationship one...ooof...
...OOOOF...the desire to "Fill a void" in me with a relationship has been a major part of my existence...
the best!
I don't know why my brain read the thumbnail as "Topless" for a sec 😐
I’m dying at the intro 😂
Hmm. #4... I get the premise of this one... it's hard to be happy with others if you're not happy with yourself. But I would think that you would want yourself to be happier when you're in a relationship than you would without the relationship. This helps with the bonding process and helps create and maintain that 'For the rest of our lives' kind of relationship. Take me for example. Self-proclaimed Hermit. I'm completely happy to be alone. But this hurts my chances for a relationship, because if I'm happier on my own than while in a relationship, that relationship will not last. You want to be a part of something that will make life better... and, to be blunt... if you're starting from a lower bar, it's a lot easier to achieve that than if your bar is very high. To sum up... being comfortable/happy by yourself does not necessarily mean you'll be happier in a relationship.
4:46 I like your little voices, lol.
This is perfect.
Love the outfit
Brene Brown did mention constructive criticism when she talked about comments on her literature or mistakes she has made so I don't know if your exception is necessary. What you are referencing is her talking about those in the "cheap seats".
5:34
Anna...i feel attacked.
I'd suggest a caveat to rule 2:
If the person sees no problems with living their life that you wouldn't want to live yourself, then their advice is, at best, coming from a place of having very different priorities than your own, and therefore probably isn't of much value to your own.
If the person is self-aware that they're in a bad place and their advice is oriented towards not ending up in the same position they are, though, it probably is worth at least considering.
The thumbnail is beautiful Anna❤