WARNING: When you go no contact with toxic, narcissistic, scapegoating, gaslighting family DO NOT GO BACK. Your abusers will take revenge against you for daring to walk away from them. I know this first hand. I repeat: YOUR TOXIC ABUSERS WANT REVENGE.
Thank you Mel..in my case it was too dangerous to lay down boundaries and believe me I had tried over 5 decades to point out the dysfunction..I was dealing with evil on all levels within the dysfunctional family of Origin..instead for my own safely and sanity I packed up and walked away no words nothing, and it "spoke" volumes! IMHO if anyone is dealing with sociopathic/ psychotic people including family members it is imperative to cut the cord and get out ASAP..in my case there was no way I could begin to heal until I was away from them...much love & gratitude always 💜
What was needed in this world when I was a growing soul was a children's union to simply help me secure allies to challenge the irreconcilable differences between myself and my own narcissistic family circle... Mel wasn't available then! If any family circle is emotionally unvirtuous we should be able to find a virtuous family circle to adopt us...trade them in... Nothing more...nothing less... No negotiation...or...by emotional osmosis you can become as sick and perverse as they are... To be the highest factor in any person's heart heals...treated as the lowest common denominator does not...(x)
I never verbalized boundaries for my family member narc. I went straight to no contact after a certain point. Sometimes I think that was just another example of my shying away from asserting myself more directly. But on the other hand, going straight to goodbye has no doubt saved me from her hard wired gaslighting and soul vampirism.
Well done to you..I did the same because voicing my opinions would have fallen on dysfunctional deaf ears..I just left..no words..nothing. .and it spoke volumes without a word being uttered...strength love and continued healing to you..💜
Yeah, thanks for posting this. I asked this question a few months back. I'm very glad you could address it. I really loved the story about the woman who 'trained' her narcissistic father. I also understand how you've broken up the responses to three options. Basically, it's yay, nay, or compromise, right..? But could I raise an example that complicates things a bit..? Two points more and a third. Let's say you've got two narcissistic parents and a younger sister (also a narcissist...the Golden Child) and I am relegated to playing the scapegoat. Point one: What if, alongside being narcissists, the parents are also hypocrites. Hypocrisy is clearly a narcissistic ploy. Say one thing, do another. If you point it out, they blame you for questioning their impeccable personality, as if you were too flawed to notice it. My point is they are intelligent within the terms of their narcissism. Indeed, after I had pointed out that they had enough tendencies to qualify as NPD, they turned the argument back around, blaming me for being one. Of course, like your example 2, I've done work on myself and realize now that through mimicry and not knowing anything else, I took on some of their traits until my partner helped me realize I had them. I've changed considerably through meditation and acknowledging myself for who I am rather than try to meet the invisible and unstated basically impossible perfectionistic (and schizophrenic) standards my parents attempt me to follow. So, in the end, I chose the third option and haven't been talking to them for a couple years. It was quite painful to realize that I cannot continue to have a relationship with them that isn't a relationship based on mutual respect and love. My point, here, is that because of the hypocrisy, it is sometimes difficult to give up wanting things to be better with them. I wasted a number of years trying. Intelligent narcissists like to project an image of probity and may talk about wisdom and so on, which, in itself can be inspiring and was for me growing up, but then they very quickly 'act out' completely contrary behaviour that undoes what they've led you to believe is what they stand for. 2) 'when they gang up': It's also possible for the whole family to gang up against the scapegoat, as they mutually reinforce among themselves the view that there might be something definitely wrong with you. In short, what I mean is, narcissistic families may include multiple members who are equally narcissistic, who see that it is in their interest to collectively shame, gaslight, and confuse the one who doesn't want the narcissism or sees through it. This can be a mightily alienating experience. 3) One of the key tactics they use is 'deflection' or 'trivialization' of what it is you wish to talk about. And this appears to be chronically the case especially when we approach them to want have an intimate conversation. They seem to have a knack for denial, dismissal, or the diminishment of problems one might bring up so that nothing is ever resolved. 3) I wonder if you could address the issue of what happens after we leave them because I have seen other experts talk about how narcissists can go on a campaign of character assassination, when they can no longer get narcissistic supply from their child or sibling. This can create, I think, a nightmarishly lonely and paranoiac place in the mind. After all, we cannot go around asking everyone, including our family friends and work colleagues whom we might share in common whether our parents are spreading rumours about us. But I have noticed people change their attitudes to me in many places. How can we even find out..? How can we advise our mutual acquaintances that this might be happening and warn them to subvert the narcissists from controlling the image others have of us, especially when they are unlikely to be true or at least severely skewed. Like, taking the example from above, what if they went around saying that I was narcissistic. Remember, there might be a power imbalance, especially if we all work in the same industry. They may hold more credibility and have the capacity to hide their cruelty behind their public persona. What then..? It's not like we can just up and leave our city, or change occupations overnight. The rumours, I mean, may well extend beyond the family circle to encompass the workplace and perhaps even a whole industry. What then..? Any suggestions..? It seems to me that this is perhaps worse than yay or nay or compromise solutions. Because it's as though these people wish to continue the blame game by proxy.
She was stonewaling her father in this way. Meaning she is now controlling, manipulating her father. Turning him in to her pet. My opinion if you set healthy boundaries, to protect yourself, then also apply them. If these boundaries are crossed stop ALL contact. Other wise this relationship will stay toxic. And its passed on to your children. ❤️🇳🇱
Really Helped. When I ask for help from any of my family for support or Help they always turn it on me like I’m broken not worth their energy. I have had issues in my life for sure. Being here with you at this time in my life has helped me to really me to Forgive myself and rise up to be the beauty within regardless of getting approval from empty stuck folks from my past… I Adore my Life now Self acceptance with Angels.
And Melanie thank you because all I have now is Jesus and the truth. Because of that I realize I am a victim and I know how to talk to the therapists and my babies are soon coming home. Not before the damage was done because I questioned so hard was this actually us. I excused the fact that he didn't hit me. It just felt a little off. The deception was Soooo heavy. Thank you because I now see what it is that happened and will never disregard this red flag ever again I need healing and will be lucky to ever date again. 8 years and he was RUTHLESS. Hurt me so so bad but I'm alive I'm still breathing and bevause of all youve taught me and my faith in God I WILL get back up.
Living with my narcissistic mother right now and all she does is complain. Complain that I’m here because I don’t have anywhere else to go at the moment, complain that I exist. I’m miserable 😭
I have often removed abusive people from my life only to attract someone who is still getting abused in different relationships. They take it and rationalize it. I couldn't stand being around them.
I have actually have heard someone say to me and others, I put up with my mother's abuse because I live with her and I need a place to live. It's a poor excuse and it's difficult to hear her saying she will continue to take the abuse. I just separated myself from her.
Thank you :) this really helped :) I have the NARP program and practice it most days. I hope I can forgive soon but when I'm ready and comfortable. I've had to do a lot of healing. I really do think you are an angel. Thank you for what you do :)
I was in a caregiver for dad, i had to go " no contact" the last 2 mos. except 8pm to 8am when i checked on him. He is the reason i learned about narcissism. Now he is in memory care facility with more dementia than before. So the visiting him has become about if i feel the need to help. It is a daily decision. Dementia dad makes it easier to detach.
Melanie, I’ve been following you for over a year. Haven’t had the funds to join your groups. I’m really overwhelmed with so very much . At the same time aware & serious about thriving in my life . My family and many others are Narcs. The holidays are so very strained , especially since I have innocent granddaughters. Is there a way I can get help or join , now , while not financially able to pay? I’ve watched just about all I can so far to what you post. I’m in situations that are dire . To have community and support of truly loving empathetic Thrivers is what I seek. 61 exhausted and single in Simi Valley, CA . Much love and appreciate all Lightworker ✨Superempath
WARNING: When you go no contact with toxic, narcissistic, scapegoating, gaslighting family DO NOT GO BACK. Your abusers will take revenge against you for daring to walk away from them. I know this first hand.
I repeat: YOUR TOXIC ABUSERS WANT REVENGE.
Yep, have to honor yourself, because no narc is ever going to do it for you. 🙂
Thank you Mel..in my case it was too dangerous to lay down boundaries and believe me I had tried over 5 decades to point out the dysfunction..I was dealing with evil on all levels within the dysfunctional family of Origin..instead for my own safely and sanity I packed up and walked away no words nothing, and it "spoke" volumes!
IMHO if anyone is dealing with sociopathic/ psychotic people including family members it is imperative to cut the cord and get out ASAP..in my case there was no way I could begin to heal until I was away from them...much love & gratitude always 💜
Sending love and light to all of us!!😘😘😘
What was needed in this world when I was a growing soul was a children's union to simply help me secure allies to challenge the irreconcilable differences between myself and my own narcissistic family circle...
Mel wasn't available then!
If any family circle is emotionally unvirtuous we should be able to find a virtuous family circle to adopt us...trade them in...
Nothing more...nothing less...
No negotiation...or...by emotional osmosis you can become as sick and perverse as they are...
To be the highest factor in any person's heart heals...treated as the lowest common denominator does not...(x)
I never verbalized boundaries for my family member narc. I went straight to no contact after a certain point. Sometimes I think that was just another example of my shying away from asserting myself more directly. But on the other hand, going straight to goodbye has no doubt saved me from her hard wired gaslighting and soul vampirism.
Well done to you..I did the same because voicing my opinions would have fallen on dysfunctional deaf ears..I just left..no words..nothing. .and it spoke volumes without a word being uttered...strength love and continued healing to you..💜
@@angel772921 Thank you. There's a real power in silence for sure. Love and healing to you too. Experiences with them are real life changers!
@@Mary-wj2po 💜👍💜
Yeah, thanks for posting this. I asked this question a few months back. I'm very glad you could address it. I really loved the story about the woman who 'trained' her narcissistic father. I also understand how you've broken up the responses to three options. Basically, it's yay, nay, or compromise, right..? But could I raise an example that complicates things a bit..? Two points more and a third. Let's say you've got two narcissistic parents and a younger sister (also a narcissist...the Golden Child) and I am relegated to playing the scapegoat. Point one: What if, alongside being narcissists, the parents are also hypocrites. Hypocrisy is clearly a narcissistic ploy. Say one thing, do another. If you point it out, they blame you for questioning their impeccable personality, as if you were too flawed to notice it. My point is they are intelligent within the terms of their narcissism. Indeed, after I had pointed out that they had enough tendencies to qualify as NPD, they turned the argument back around, blaming me for being one. Of course, like your example 2, I've done work on myself and realize now that through mimicry and not knowing anything else, I took on some of their traits until my partner helped me realize I had them. I've changed considerably through meditation and acknowledging myself for who I am rather than try to meet the invisible and unstated basically impossible perfectionistic (and schizophrenic) standards my parents attempt me to follow. So, in the end, I chose the third option and haven't been talking to them for a couple years. It was quite painful to realize that I cannot continue to have a relationship with them that isn't a relationship based on mutual respect and love. My point, here, is that because of the hypocrisy, it is sometimes difficult to give up wanting things to be better with them. I wasted a number of years trying. Intelligent narcissists like to project an image of probity and may talk about wisdom and so on, which, in itself can be inspiring and was for me growing up, but then they very quickly 'act out' completely contrary behaviour that undoes what they've led you to believe is what they stand for. 2) 'when they gang up': It's also possible for the whole family to gang up against the scapegoat, as they mutually reinforce among themselves the view that there might be something definitely wrong with you. In short, what I mean is, narcissistic families may include multiple members who are equally narcissistic, who see that it is in their interest to collectively shame, gaslight, and confuse the one who doesn't want the narcissism or sees through it. This can be a mightily alienating experience. 3) One of the key tactics they use is 'deflection' or 'trivialization' of what it is you wish to talk about. And this appears to be chronically the case especially when we approach them to want have an intimate conversation. They seem to have a knack for denial, dismissal, or the diminishment of problems one might bring up so that nothing is ever resolved. 3) I wonder if you could address the issue of what happens after we leave them because I have seen other experts talk about how narcissists can go on a campaign of character assassination, when they can no longer get narcissistic supply from their child or sibling. This can create, I think, a nightmarishly lonely and paranoiac place in the mind. After all, we cannot go around asking everyone, including our family friends and work colleagues whom we might share in common whether our parents are spreading rumours about us. But I have noticed people change their attitudes to me in many places. How can we even find out..? How can we advise our mutual acquaintances that this might be happening and warn them to subvert the narcissists from controlling the image others have of us, especially when they are unlikely to be true or at least severely skewed. Like, taking the example from above, what if they went around saying that I was narcissistic. Remember, there might be a power imbalance, especially if we all work in the same industry. They may hold more credibility and have the capacity to hide their cruelty behind their public persona. What then..? It's not like we can just up and leave our city, or change occupations overnight. The rumours, I mean, may well extend beyond the family circle to encompass the workplace and perhaps even a whole industry. What then..? Any suggestions..? It seems to me that this is perhaps worse than yay or nay or compromise solutions. Because it's as though these people wish to continue the blame game by proxy.
She was stonewaling her father in this way. Meaning she is now controlling, manipulating her father. Turning him in to her pet. My opinion if you set healthy boundaries, to protect yourself, then also apply them. If these boundaries are crossed stop ALL contact. Other wise this relationship will stay toxic. And its passed on to your children. ❤️🇳🇱
Really Helped. When I ask for help from any of my family for support or Help they always turn it on me like I’m broken not worth their energy. I have had issues in my life for sure. Being here with you at this time in my life has helped me to really me to Forgive myself and rise up to be the beauty within regardless of getting approval from empty stuck folks from my past… I Adore my Life now Self acceptance with Angels.
Awesome Melanie 💚❤️💚❤️✨✨...did not accept Thanksgiving invite where abusive npd sister would be & now the enabling stops
And Melanie thank you because all I have now is Jesus and the truth. Because of that I realize I am a victim and I know how to talk to the therapists and my babies are soon coming home. Not before the damage was done because I questioned so hard was this actually us. I excused the fact that he didn't hit me. It just felt a little off. The deception was Soooo heavy. Thank you because I now see what it is that happened and will never disregard this red flag ever again I need healing and will be lucky to ever date again. 8 years and he was RUTHLESS. Hurt me so so bad but I'm alive I'm still breathing and bevause of all youve taught me and my faith in God I WILL get back up.
Living with my narcissistic mother right now and all she does is complain. Complain that I’m here because I don’t have anywhere else to go at the moment, complain that I exist. I’m miserable 😭
Their negativity is so toxic. I’ve gone no contact with mine. I hope you find your own space soon and that it’s filled with peace. 🙏🏼❤️💪🏼
I have often removed abusive people from my life only to attract someone who is still getting abused in different relationships. They take it and rationalize it. I couldn't stand being around them.
Needed to hear this
Ohh my god!!
I've just had a download of I've been excepting this from my child.
This video is true thanks.
I have actually have heard someone say to me and others, I put up with my mother's abuse because I live with her and I need a place to live. It's a poor excuse and it's difficult to hear her saying she will continue to take the abuse. I just separated myself from her.
My problem this week!! How did you know. Mom moved close by and she’s causing me to struggle in life.
I had no choice. His control obsession made me wish i was dead. 12 years older than me. I had a target on my back since birth.
I'm sorry me too you CAN get up girl. YOU MATTER
Thank you :) this really helped :) I have the NARP program and practice it most days. I hope I can forgive soon but when I'm ready and comfortable. I've had to do a lot of healing. I really do think you are an angel. Thank you for what you do :)
I was in a caregiver for dad, i had to go " no contact" the last 2 mos. except 8pm to 8am when i checked on him. He is the reason i learned about narcissism. Now he is in memory care facility with more dementia than before. So the visiting him has become about if i feel the need to help. It is a daily decision. Dementia dad makes it easier to detach.
Melanie, I’ve been following you for over a year. Haven’t had the funds to join your groups. I’m really overwhelmed with so very much . At the same time aware & serious about thriving in my life . My family and many others are Narcs. The holidays are so very strained , especially since I have innocent granddaughters. Is there a way I can get help or join , now , while not financially able to pay? I’ve watched just about all I can so far to what you post. I’m in situations that are dire . To have community and support of truly loving empathetic Thrivers is what I seek. 61 exhausted and single in Simi Valley, CA . Much love and appreciate all Lightworker ✨Superempath
Thank you.
👍
Your Instagram account seems to be unavailable.. are you aware of that Melanie?