Hi Joe you are SO right. I stayed away and healed and then thought i could help my GC brother when our parents passed. Nearly tried to cripple me as i have a bad back. let on to ask me for a hug...went to try to cripple me. so hurt as im left with perma injuries
When I left for college someone a stranger showed me where to get bus and even helped me carry my bag and bus driver told me where my stop was..I have never forgotten their kindness in 30 years...simply never experienced kindness from very large toxic family..that's very sad when I see it written down 😢
@@margaretriordan1635 thanks for your story, I totally feel ya there. Reminds me how important it is to pay little kindnesses forward, they make a big difference indeed.
I find it interesting that narcissistic families will criticize anyone that is disloyal to them, yet they’re constantly being disrespectful and disloyal to the scapegoat in their family. It’s totally one sided.
I know!!!! My family is mad at me for “giving up on the family” and pretending it would be a happy system otherwise. but they don’t know all the shit each of them talks about the other because I keep their stupid secrets for them!! It’s so frustrating!
I've always been a right is right and wrong is wrong type person and whoever is wrong I'm gonna tell em because I'd be wrong if I didn't. At the same time though, just because (say a close friend) I said they were wrong does not mean i ain't on their side 💯 cause that will never change. An enemy of mine could have been the one who's right and I'd have to say it but by God we are still enemies and fire off on each other right then. That has absolutely nothing to do with loyalty. The loyalty was never being a question who's side I'm on by anyone cause it was known. My family was never loyal or really even there for me. I was beat on pretty bad when I was a kid and everyone's bright idea was put me in an institution and I'll be safe and get some help. Nobody ever considered stopping the problem and protect me like that and get out patient help be more reasonable and insanely cheaper. $800 to $1,200 a day depending on classes and doctors. Age 9 I went in got out twice for less than 90 days together and got out at 15 immediately filed a petition to grant me emancipation from my mom and the Jude gave it to me. He said in almost 30 yrs on the bench he'd seen the worst and never felt another way couldn't be found cause no child he's seen in court could have ever been successful. He said he felt good I'd be alright and i had it in me to never give up on my goals. That was probably the worst blow to their narssassict ego. Wasn't a few yrs later my mom seen me in the store and the first words out of her mouth was if she gave me $10 extra and money for the beer would I go to my bootlegger since my state didn't sell alcohol on Sunday. I'm 17 and still a minor even with being emancipated. Not one word since day of court couple yrs back and went to the bootlegger for her since I was like 7 and a couple times when I was out of that institution. Been buying beer and alcohol since 15 from the liquor store. She assumed I needed money and I'd say yes cause I had too and bootlegger was like a mile away so $10 was to much. I just looked her in the eye turned around and walked away. I worked two jobs and went to school so I had a little money, enough I didn't need a dime from her. That felt great I must say.
@@kerribarclay5976 buddy I pretty much dealt with the same treatment. Mom beat the hell out of me, brother and sister both younger cane first in everything. I loved my sister to death until I found out she lied about being raped, sent the child that supposedly came from that rape three states away to see him 14 or ,15 yrs old so she could meet her use to be rapist dad and then last year the grandbaby went with her. Sister still acts just like all the rest of the evil bitches and takes no blame. Her husband who up till the day before he called me this last February he'd been her father her whole life. Now he knows he's not how could they have kept on hiding and lying to him going behind his back and now everyone knew but Shawn in his own house. One of my daughters isn't mine either and understand all too well the emotions and pain worse than any physical. Brother changed his name married a 60 yr old lady when he was 22. See ya dude don't call! Dad never had anything to do with any of us even before they divorced and ain't changed a bit. I couldn't take the disloyalty or trust them so I left and never went back. If I had stayed I'd be in your position not long from now.
Im wondering that my sister will ruin things for her self but she is also dragging with her my daughter who is totally innercent. I hate my family so keeping my distance from them, but still gonna keep on beeing love because of my daughter.. working on getting my daughter home by working on getting smarter than them.
That is what social workers and police are for. Nothing wrong with making and filing police reports and nothing wrong with after that following the instructions police give you like to call a social worker or whatever like an anonymous family support group organization.
@@ronfox5519 that's what we do now. Us involving the police only gave them more fuel . They never let up !! Always finding news ways to contact you . Who knew that blocked people could private message you ??? Then the letters through the post...... 4 years and counting. Like clockwork on birthdays and special occasions it's always to remind we're bad people and it's all our fault .
@@kaceyxleigh wow. Thats pretty extreme. I just got pushed away after they figured out that i couldnt be broke. I hope things turn out good for you in the end. I will pray for you.
The hardest thing for me to understand/accept is that your family can try to sabotage your happiness yet claim they want the best for you. That secondary gain is quite deceptive.
True! Wen i refused to end up with a stinky yokal who produced the ugliest lookn runt I upgraded by a few levels to at that time a better lookn seemingly nicer bloke! That didnt turn out either but at least i got away from the family favourite! Ooh that went down badly as the adoptive mother lurrvveed the skank I dumped n hung onyo every word his vile(tnk god now long deceased!) Mother! N dnt get me started on thst revulting old hag bag!
Spot on with this one .My mother &Father and siblings gave me and my wife a hell of a time. Finally I realised they didn't Love me after years of trauma bonding .We have gone No Contact for a year now isn't always easy but at least we have some peace. And I can be Me!
My mom made my friends go away from me my sister tried to manipulate my husband for a divorce ,and both of them tried to manipulate my daughter .hopefully I went no contact .they are not family for me blood is poison
The grief is overwhelming. The time I wasted for decades trying to please them and never succeed. I can't even let my brain think about what i experienced.
You know I had 23 yr married then escaped n did it again for 11 yrs. Then finally thought I was free only to have a sister. Late in my life after her husband died I am 72 now well I now know they are the sick ones and I look at it different not for them but for me. How can I hate anyone who is a mental patient? I actually had to change my thinking and realize they are not part of my story anymore. My story might be thin without the years with them but my story now is content and happy and when they come to mind I pray for them n know that the Lord has a special place for them…. It makes me smile..
I’m so sorry! We grieve for what could have been in our life. But these narcissistic, toxic people can’t love or feel empathy because they are insecure and incapable of loving us because of childhood pain and shame. They inflict pain to others so they feel relief. They are very damaged. It’s not you, although the pain is real and traumatic. Sending you peace
this made me cry. in a narcissistic family you may be well cared for in terms of material need,s so you feel you have no grounds to be miserable. But psychological imprisonment, gaslighting, stonewalling. rejection and the resulting sense of GRIEF can be devastating.
In our family of communal narcissists, "blood is thicker than water" only works in one direction. The narcissistic family members use it to excuse even the most disgusting behavior while placing incredible blame on the healthy family members when they set reasonable boundaries.
It's a WTF situation. Once, working way up north here in Quebec doesn't malignant mom drive up to see me bringing "BBQ" but, I'm working an 8/6, 8 days on/6 days off (I'm working for the gouv) so, you'd think she'd of inquired/made sure I was there, not so, before driving up looking for unappreciative, once more, me! I always went back to the city, a mile away from her! Too bad I could make it at both places I might have moved further away!
"Narcissistic family systems... don't like when you marry healthy people that help you foster boundaries... These family systems are often designed to keep people psychologically imprisoned." Wow. This describes my family so accurately. They never do have your back, only when it's convenient for them. Cut them off. Never looking back. 2nd best decision I ever made in my life.
They pretend to have your back only to get you back in touch with the virus and to aggrandize themselves as superior, caring helpers. They recoil when you do well. They are nourished when you need them. They repeat compulsively what they have been offered in childhood . Innocent criminals we are all until we are not
I can't cut them off, my mother and relatives. They've stolen too much from me. I have virtually nothing by which too live. They've stolen a family and 3 or 4 homes from me. Smeared and slandered me my whole life to each other and others and then THEY cut ME off and went NO CONTACT. THEY'RE NOT YOUR AVERAGE NARCISSIST. They, especially my mother are high functioning covert NEGLECTFUL type of narcasists extremely destructive combination of traits that judging by what doctor Ramani says are the worst of the worst when it comes to narcissists. They've totally destroyed me while they've never suffered but I've ever seen in my lifetime of 53 years. And I just started learning about what they are four or five years ago way too late. God bless anyone affected by these creatures of darkness.
I know what you mean. I am glad that you chose you even when it was really hard to do so. I pray that things are better to and for you IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN.
my family had another proverb "don't wash your dirty laundry in public' which they used to gaslight me into not sharing family problems with close friends
My narcissistic family meme er was mentally and physically abusive and used fear to get submission and he would say what happens in this house stays in this house
Something we say in the South: “If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” We say it like it’s totally normal and healthy, but it is like a prison for one family member’s mood to control the entire family.
One famous example of this is Queen Victoria. There are monuments, and even a PBS series about her, but she was a horrible woman, only concerned with her own desires. She was depressed and miserable, and wanted her children to feel the same way.
@@xrc7445 That's so true - my two best friends both died - one from cancer & the other by suicide - but my narc family has destroyed my self esteem to the point I just can't reach out to people who could potentially be friends - I feel like I'll be rejected for rejecting my family members, like I'll be labelled as the bad one, plus nobody wants a friend who comes with this sort of 'baggage' - I feel so sad.
My wife's family, they hate anyone that has a different viewpoint, or calls them on their BS. It's extremely difficult being the spouse of someone enmeshed in a narcissistic family. The lies, the gaslighting and deflecting really takes its toll on you.
My blood family was the same way. Fortunately, I was able to identify this while in my late teens and early twenties and heal by breaking away from this mindset. My healing absolutely intensified the narcissistic isolation as punishment and I eventually became as those they hated for having a different perspective.
I am sorry for you but don't be mad on your wife because I was in same spot I lost ao many relationships because of them. They always faked scensrios in fron of my partner making gaslight when I was not around....keep them far away do not visit them too much but let your wife to choose if she want to but remove your self to be safe of them and there is nothing wrong about that
parents will so often guilt trip the kids using phrases like: "I brought you into this world!" "I put food on the table!" "I put a roof over your head!" like they expect bounteous praise just for doing what parents are supposed to do. and most often they use these phrases to force the kids to accept abusive behavior.
Exactly, they like to pretend that it wasn't their own choices and decisions that led to them having a child. Children owe their parents NOTHING. providing for a child is the responsibility you CHOSE to take on when you decided to have a child.
@@bagobeans Yes, of course! If parents are mean to their children it is always the fault of the children! I mean, they are burdened by a child that forced itself into the world and now they have to take it as it is. A parent has no chance to shape the behaviour of a child! And if the child is disrespectful, it is not the parents who raised it like this! The child came to this world out of pure malignity und makes the life of its parents hell! Poor parents who had bad luck with their children!
I remember seeing a book that used that description. Very accurate. I say they're a cross between that and boa constrictors, especially since boas are ambush predators. 🐍🦇😬
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 what book is that? It definitely feels like a boa constrictor. As if I could never break free from the super enmeshed family structure even though I tried
A family is nothing more than the group of humans you happened to be born to; it is a neutral bond. They don't own you, and you have every right to end or limit those relationships if they are bad for you. Just like any other relationship.
I would like to add up a connection point to your words: that any healthy relationship is based on mutual autonomy. In which both individuals inobligatorily desire to strive for a connection toward the other, and stimulatinously fathom the idea that the other person has the right to discontinue the relationship. It takes time to understand such thoughts practically, because sometimes we may wish that the world is different and is adjacent to our desired perception of it. But since that it is not and will never be, one shall does their best at understanding it to its most practical form. To reiterate, understand things the way the are, and make the best of them the way they are.
My biggest regret about growing up in an abusive and manipulative family is that I never learned how to recognize love or how to show love. As the family scapegoat, I learned how to sacrifice, then how to fight back, and then to be overly protective. I am not sure one ever truly recovers from childhood systems or trauma. Working on and accomplishing self-love is the most I can hope for, and Dr. Ramani helps so much to that goal.
The family scapegoat hits so close. I literally was searching definitions for that yesterday cus its so hard to be blamed for stuff I didn't do repeatedly so I've gotten to the point of isolating myself from them to prevent it from happening again
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." 1 Cor 13:4-8
Yes. My mother used to always say, “Family is important “ meaning that no matter what they do, you stick together. One time I said back to her, “unless they are abusive”. She looked at me rather shockingly.
My mother, too, she always said that we had no family notion unlike her all the time, and that meant that we were there to serve her, and we did not do that. A lot of gaslighting, manipulation and lies. Narcs do not know how to communicate their needs and cannot understand that some needs are wrong.
@@warrenbradford2597 i know exactly where you're coming from. For some, me included, it's seriously hard. Saying bye forever from toxic narcissistic parents that my sisters should have empowered me to do, AND should have followed me, instead fight me and make it harder. They're great in most every other area of life, but they're still brainwashed that mom and dad can say and do whatever they want with very minimal consequences. I'm sure it's hard on their marriages. I pray they'll see the light and free themselves. I often wonder if my sisters would have backed me up, my parents would actually get counseling... 😢 i guys I'll never know.
my mom was naive about family my dad 15 years her senior had more experiences with people than my sheltered mom dad disliked some cousins dad was 100 percent correct about them
At age 7 I was burnt in a kitchen mishap on Christmas Eve. I spent the night in the hospital, and for weeks I had nightmares that the house would catch on fire while I was sleeping, and they would all leave the house. I dreamed they would all be under the apple tree in the back yard-with the cat- and firefighters and trucks and lights and hoses would be spraying, and one of them would -usually my sister - would look up and say "where's Linda?"
I broke the chains with my narcissistic family ,my father was a grandiose narc and my mum a covert one .My sisters were covert too and as for me I always had the feeling that I didn't belong to the family as if I came from another planet. I suffered so much that I distanced myself and now only pay random visits tomymum's house, I cannot face her now that she is 83, I let her enjoy her life , while I focus solely on mine. Don't care that much ,I would have achieved so many things in my life if I'd beengiven the right guidance instead of putting up with blame, bullying ,gaslighting and manipulation.
many Christians know they don't belong here my mom is gone for many years now. i don't have ties with my family. they are into greed. don't know if your christian we wish you well
Sue, My family is identical: malignant narc sociopathic dad, covert narc mom, pretty sure covert narc sister/s...also had a grandiose narc maternal grandma that really influenced my childhood (we were the less favorite grandkids.)😥 I literally demanded to see my birth certificate when I was 12 because I didn't feel that I belonged to my family since I looked different & was treated so differently! Of course I was denied & told to "get over it."😕 I personally have confronted ALL my narcs, am no contact with dad, in therapy with mom (to confirm she truly was what my gut told me & get a professional's input; I was right & lucky to have an intuitive therapist!), sisters have chosen to barely talk to me for the last 3 years because I "caused them pain" from confronting them about the abuse they dished (which I am welcoming) BUT after all my hard work... -my dad admitted to his abuse of me & "apologized" before I cut contact with him. -my brother has stopped gaslighting me & has begun to validate that I was abused growing up...we've even started to build a relationship. -my mom has admitted to about half of the abuse she did, even though she continues to triangulate, deny & gaslight with me/my sisters For me, I am in the healthiest brain space I was ever in & part of that was getting to finally speak the truth of what I went through, & have them admit it, to these people who have always told me it didn't happen. I am drawing firm boundaries & sticking with them. I plan on going extreme gray rock with mom/sisters once we've "reconciled" but that will only work because they live in different states (mom is moving away from me to live near golden child sister.) Even though I now have my birth certificate & know I am related to this mess of a family, I am blessed to have been the scapegoat because through the pain, I am empathetic, loving, kind, honest, truth-seeking, moral, great at organizing & cleaning (had lots of forced practice growing up!😉), creative, smart & just NOT a narcissist!😁 Stay strong!🦸♀️💪😎
Sue if you were constant reminding everyone that your family is perfect then I would see that as a red flag for sure. It is healthy to be getting on with your own life while not spending too much time with your aging parents when you don't have to and when you do have to when a family member becomes altogether incapacitated then expecting others in your family and in your community too to be carrying their own fair share of that burden. When there was no such thing as nursing homes people died at a lot younger age on average.
Yes the emotional and mental abuse doesn't leave scars or marks.None the less they seem permanent. I hope you and I and anyone who ever had to be treated like this finds some kind of solice. Much love all. I am still seeking mine even after 3 years in therapy.
Please try to reclaim your inner voice. Stand in the truth and speak it to yourself constantly. Those voices WILL leave, but you gotta replace them with the opposite of what your family told you. Keep speaking the truth out loud to yourself. It works! Hugs ❤
“Even if you move to the other side of the world, your family may still be in your head” - this is EXACTLY where I’m at. 22 years after moving to the other side of the world I’m finally seeing the light. WHEN that the light comes on, and you understand that you do come from a toxic family system, it can be incredibly freeing. You can suddenly let go of so many misconceptions and the pressures you put on yourself.
@joshuapjung Be strong man. I am 43 and am regaining my life. I had an extremely abusive childhood, that I am yet to figure out all my problems. I have been assaulted a lot in my childhood and as a result i have very low confidence, and self esteem. I can only say that if you are single, live for yourself for some time then commit yourself If you have family, make sure that you don't pass these traits on.
Left the narcissistic dynamic of my immediate and extended family decades ago. Being their scapegoat drained me to near suicide. Was told often I was not and never will be wanted or be a part of their family. Regularly told by my mother to step in front of a bus or train. Her mother was fully supportive of the abuse and once said I need to be grateful she allowed me to be born. This upbringing led me to a series of relationships with abusers (friends, partners, even a husband). Fifty now and so happy in my own self since terminating these relationships. Only learned about narcissism and narcissistic abuse in the last year and can relate to so much in these videos. Everything makes sense now. Thank you Doctor Ramani👍
I'll be 40 and just learned this too. I wish Dr Ramani was taught in school. I always knew something was wrong...the physical abuse was obvious, but that "other abuse couldn't be pinned down. I spent my whole life in abusive relationships especially "family". Once I learned this about narcissism I was finally able to cut all the last shreds of cord that I couldn't before. It's more peaceful for me now and I'm not riddled w guilt that was never mine. I see this abuse happening to my nieces and nephews and children and people everywhere... I wish this would be taught in school
Oh poor you/yup stupid remarks/mine were/here's a quarter, call someone who cares/go play in traffic/you eating again\those aresupposed to be funny/I'm glad you've got you/best stuff ever/so you're of an overt crowd, covert is worse, trust us! Blessings and good luck!
@@Estherbethe1... - I understand when you say, I understand that the physical abuse was obviously wrong, I too wasn’t satisfied with that only being the only thing that was wrong with my family, slowly through watching UA-cam videos, like Lisa Ramano, then finding Dr Ramani, I knew I found the missing link I had been searching for to explains their whacky ways and how to handle them and heal.
Blood is thicker than water seems similar to, "She's your only sister". There's a pressure to continue accepting the toxic treatment because they're family. Enabling statements I guess. Once we figure out it's narcissism, we come to realize it's unfixable as nothing's ever enough. Even if they go back to the idealization stage, we're just one small perceived slight away from the devaluation again.
Ugh my God! I hear that all of the time! "He's your brother! She's your sister! You should do this or that for them! Yet when I need help I get zero or if I do get help from them they glorify themselves as saviors in my life. Sick sick sick
My mom had two sisters, unfortunately one sister died in 2013 and her surviving sister she has nothing to do with because her surviving sister allowed her husband to abuse her daughters and son. This sister is in denial that any abuse happened, even though my cousin had to go to therapy to deal with the sexual abuse and the loss of her sister and brother due to suicide. I hate the term blood is thicker than water because I don't care how people are related, it's who is there for you during the tough times and who doesn't hurt you who are real family.
This should be part of the mandatory reading materials that undergrads in social services/ counselor must read .Far too many people are affected by narcissism and the academic sphere is slow to recognise this.
My grandmother saw how my family were treating me. Before she passed away she said to me "people say blood is thicker than water, but if youre in the desert what do you look for? Because thats where they put you, in the desert".....always go for water. It keeps you alive, blood doesnt.
I'm very surprised that Ramani didn't include the fact that "blood is thicker than water" is actually NOT the full quote! The full proverb is supposed to go "blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb", and it actually means the opposite of what the shorter, more popular quote says. So when you have relationships with those people whom you deem to be healthy and positive influences in your life, that bond with them is stronger and more valuable than those who raised you from birth, your parents, siblings and whatever extended family you had around you growing up. Maybe it's because you CHOOSE those people for yourself that the bond is more meaningful, whereas you don't really have ANY choice in your blood family.
my family had another proverb "don't wash your dirty laundry in public' which they used to gaslight me into not sharing family problems with close friends
@@sreelakshmi_viswam Yes, in my day we learned "what goes on behind closed doors..." Similar to "airing dirty laundry". Find someone you trust and confide in them. Or get a therapist. That is not the same as airing dirty laundry. The tactic about "laundry" also makes people keep family secrets, sometimes really bad secrets.
Was raised by a narcissistic father and an enabling mother. I left home soon after I graduated and settled in another town. During this time, I would visit home once a year. Though I used to plan to stay for at least 5 to 10day during the visit, I would leave on my 3rd day because my father would remind me of why I left home in the first place. That was my life every year until my father passed away in 2011. Now I visit home 4 to 5 times a year and sometimes spent the whole month.
I'd need to get to hotel airport shuttle just prior to daybreak as mom was the ultimate early riser, even being married didn't tame her, I'd then have 2 pre-schoolers being dragged behind me! Keep rotting see you never gnaw!
@Justin Lukas after I learnt of how she sacrificed herself and stayed in an abusive marriage just to protect us, I couldn’t help but thank her for that.
@@sindiswamoolman5505 did she manage to protect you from your father? Is it possible to live with children next to a person like that without causing psychological damage?
@@sabat8068 My mother was a battered woman. Hence I did everything in my powers to make her last days in this world as comfortable as I could. I visited here every second or third month to be there for her until she passed on in 2018.
I’ve had blood treat me worse than “water” ever has. All of the psychological issues and past trauma I’ve had has been caused by family. So nope. I didn’t believe that “blood is thicker” stuff even as a child. Family doesn’t mean shit to me, to be honest.
It's true. Even as a kid I realized that tittles like "mother" or "father" etc. are not license to abuse. And even though I wished nothing more than to have a better life w my siblings I still refuse to take shit from ANYONE. All my life I gave and was still never good enough. So so long.
Jill Peacock How bad is that..? I can totally relate to some family in the past & in the present. Sometimes the family you choose to have can be better than the real one. & a stranger can be more comforting than family.. Bizarre.. Although am feeling quite isolated atm.
My older narc sister said "family is family" after I was verbally assaulted by my older adult brother and sister and being gas lighted. I cut them out of my life last year. My sister would say in her guilt trip: "well you won't see my kids anymore." Her kids are in their 30s and have lives of their own. Please.
My sister does the same thing. If she feels you're not following her demands fast enough, you're banned from seeing her kids ever again...until she needs something and wants you to watch them. It lasts about 5 minutes.
My young nieces and nephew are also pawns of my narcissist siblings. They won't remember me and I can't help them just like I couldn't help my siblings. I'm so angry. We had the perfect example of what NOT to do to children.
Why should she think her children are important to you? Seriously everyone needs to think ... get your own family, have your own children. There are too many "victims" who have been "auntie" or "uncle" that's if the narcsasists and their children can be bothered to pay the aunt and uncle the respect of giving them these titles.
What unites the ones who exclude the scapegoat is their inability for unconditional love and compassion. They can't even love each other; there is no love, but rather a kind of echo chamber where they provide mutual validation and help each other to control the narrative in external relationships. Because they are internally empty, their self-image depends solely on how others perceive them, and for that, they need a contrasting figure, which is always the authentic person in the family.
In my 60s I am finally allowing my grief, from realising that I have never had family support, including and especially not as a child, rather the opposite. They have been the very people I needed protection from and now that I realise this I allow the grief and the healing and provide myself with that protection I carelessly gave to them. Thank you for this.
Same here. I'm 62 and just realizing I was just supply for them. Now that I have a multitude of health issues and literally beg for support! They have nothing to give back, but they're so passed off now becuase I'm so tired and drained I refuse to waste any energy on them. Now they work on tearing the support I do have away.
Also, branching out and creating your own family can trigger the toxic rage within the family or origin, making the new spouse (I.e., me). “I want us all to be close” RED FLAG FOR ME! “Close” to my in laws means codependent. No thanks. Distance, even emotional distance, is key
All healthy relationships require boundaries and enough space for people to be growing while being themselves. So don't let anyone convince you and your growing family that you have to crowd into a different far more crowded set of spaces. After all, in any democratic nation why should any of us feel that we have to go back to the dark ages? You and your growing family could if you want to make whatever different color other than a red flag with a coat of arms [or whatever else you want] on it to plant on whatever property you acquire.
Being close to my in laws also meant taking on their burdens and I refuse to carry that for them anymore. It’s broken me down emotionally and now I feel the physical pains of it. Distance is key.
@@daniellecoyle4967 I know this comment is a year old, but it reminds me of my narcissistic ex and his family. They are also Greek, and excused their toxicity via culture. They also expected me to be codependent, so naturally when I refused I became enemy number 1🫤. So thankful to be out of that relationship.
An adopted guy here and you just described my entire immediate family, everything was conditional and based in fear, my sister perpetuates this madness even after their deaths...Colorado was not far away enough.
I fought for years with guilt and a sense of loyalty to my family until I was told , "your family are those that care about your well-being". That stuck and made it much easier to go no contact; coupled with the fact that I was simply tired of being the target of abuse, betrayal, unwarranted blame, and their desire to see me destroyed. My family is notorious with the phrase, "well, that was in the past" --- while soon MORE of the same happened again. Being in the same State was simply too close. They always popped up no matter where I moved; they'd find me just to disrupt and harm again.
Spot on. I finally got the courage to leave my family at 56 years. Been a year of no contact. It was actually, sadly, easier than I thought it would be as no one even made any effort to maintain our decades long relationship. But no surprise because I always suspected the lack of true intimacy since I was a small child. But I am glad. I am learning to communicate with others in a much healthier way and recognize who truly values relationships with people, instead of draining my energy laboring under a misapprehension that somehow it was my responsibility to make them care.
It was hard for me to leave because of a family member I knew wouldn't keep in touch with me when I walked away from the narcissist. The narcissist did bad talk me, but didn't try to win me back. I guess she used me up and was done with me. I see this as a good thing!
i grew up with a narcissistic mom and sisters who never had my back. I was bullied by them. neighbors and classmates, but nobody came to my rescue. Last year, after being advised by my husband to resort to gray rocking my sisters/ this was their reaction, "you do not do this to family". Another line used, "at the end of the day, we are still family". My reply, "FAMILY IS NOT ALWAYS BLOOD"/
Yes they only add insult to injury. They cursed us so others could treat us poorly also . I was so used to being treated poorly I consi it normal. U r not alone. My family has my child and it has been devastating how they destroyed my life.
I feel you because my maternal family is also narcissistic, especially my mother and my younger sisters. My paternal family, especially my estranged father, is doing nothing to defend me.
I'm just tired of always being the sacrificial lamb for people who always seem to fare better because of my suffering. I'm 39 years old. I am completely stuck and burned out. Totally isolating myself.
The narc family will use and abuse you until you wake up and realize that you need your own life....instead of making your life all about THEM. I've had to realize this the hard way. Now, all I want to do is be ALONE. No family, and no one around me. My solace is now my peace.
.NM died. I had complete relief. I was no contact for years. Slowly grief took over. Grief for what NM did to Me. Grief, I never had a childhood. Grief, NM never knew Me. Grief, that NM hated Me. Guess what, I'm okay and on my way.
I can relate to this. So happy for you that you are ok and on your way. My NM is still alive and Ive been NC for one year and its a relief but as you noted, its not complete relief.
NC with NF since I was 16. NC with NB, as I was discarded (likely because I married a supportive spouse), about 9 years ago. My day to day life goes so much smoother now. But I sometimes ruminate on the ‘what if’ I had a healthy F and B. - That is by far the worst part, wondering, what would it be like to have that unconditional love and support. I’ll never know, but I try to make the best of what I have. I’m sorry about the grieving process hit you all at once. I hope it is healing for you Mary, and I hope you find ways to ensure you feel deserving of healthy relationships and good things now and always.
I can relate I had NO sadness when my parents passed. Just relief actually. But … I still feels disappointment for my childhood who could of been SO much better. I still feel bad to have been rejected as an adult. Me too, I am on my way.
This is dead on!!! Thank you for this video, I cut ties with my narc mother and of course that meant being disowned from my family. I can’t tell you how many times I heard this saying. It’s a manipulation tactic that’s used over and over, sadly we’ve been convinced that we need to endure abuse simply because it’s family. No!! You can walk away and end generational curses. You have the power to change your life!! Thank you, such a powerful message 🙌🏻
Well if not for grandparents and some kind aunts in my large extended family I wouldn't have survived infancy, or the abuse of childhood. They were people I could go to since the core family blamed me for everything and the family flying monkeys of my mother added to it. My grandfather's 2nd wife stepped up to the clan and pointed out what they were doing to me. So I think small isolated families can be dangerous to child development.
Ensured my children didn't mix with the toxic blood till they could judge for themselves Praise God they are beautiful human beings and want nothing to do with the jealous vampires. Praise the Lord Jesus for my journey and no guilt 🎉
@@joywebster2678 I agree with this 100%. Toxics and Narcs isolate under the guise of "protecting" their kids. I have a sibling who operates this way. EVERYONE ELSE is crazy and dumb.
NAILED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been saying this for years but people still think it's sad that I don't talk to my family especially the person labeled my father. But I keep saying it's not sad at all. It's only sad if I am angry, bitter etc. now that would be very sad. But after going through my pain I am at piece with my decision and I wish I had done it sooner as life is so much better now.
I lost a really close friend many years ago and after a couple of months or so I was still struggling with my grief. My mum said something like 'she was only a friend, she wasn't family', totally minimising my loss... ☹️
So sorry for your loss. My mother would tell me the hurtful words came from another relative’s mouth. When my dear friend and mentor was kidnapped and murdered, mom commented, “Aunt So-and-So said, well no one ever promised C a rose garden.” It took me years to realize that these awful comments weren’t coming from other people.
Yes, the grief of realizing you never experienced "real love" in your family of origin is profound. As a 60 year old woman I've experienced that sense of loss at my core. What I have done to heal is create a life I love that suits me and supports my authentic self. I give myself the things I needed as a child and young adult. I practice staying aware of my self-talk and practice self-kindness, gentleness, acceptance and compassion. I set boundaries when I need to and stand up for myself. After cutting ties with siblings a few years ago, the new people who I have chosen to build relationships are healthy, loving, and light. There are no expectations or guilt trips. We have mutual regard and respect for eachother. There is compassion and kindness and freedom to be ourselves. What I realized is removing the old unhealthy elements allow room for better things to come into my life. I am also 100% committed to stopping the cycle. I also sought therapy recently to help let go of this residual anger that was lingering for me. I feel so much better! But holy shit this has been hard work! Totally worth it!!
At 57 alone after no contact with family of alcoholic narcs realisation descends the only being ever loved me my precious granddaughter abused into severe isolation I trust our love I have nearly 7 yrs of our time spent we didn't waste a moment of it magic moments
In reference to my toxic brother, I was repeatedly and by several people told "He's family" as though I had no choice in the matter. I'm glad that deep down inside I knew better and that I was decisive enough to go no contact.
Going no contact altogether has its drawbacks too. Why? There is good reason for the old saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer [So they don't get to do lots wrong against you or towards those you love who don't live with you behind your back]."
Literally everything. My mom's favorite line when I try to establish boundaries, create some distance, have a romantic relationship: " You're so negative! Why don't you go to HIS house then?! Huh? What's he doing? Bet you don't talk to him like that. He'd leave you. " Of course the whole, " you don't say no to family. " Constant gaslighting. Absolutely the unwavering loyalty is only a one way street. I see my friends and relationships more as family. Whenever I accomplish anything, somehow my mom makes it about herself. I deal with feeling stuck, controlled, stunted and I have to fend for myself. I want so badly to move out (for the millionth time) and stay gone and ultimately go no contact. I could go on and on. Thank you for another validating video! ❤
I’ve been watching dr ramani’s videos for a few years & since I’ve been estranged from my family for almost a year, what she says finally feels tangible rather than a distant goal. I love her!!
Thank you for making this video. My narcissistic family will constantly tell me I'm a victim and I need to grow up. I am the scapegoat of the family and I'm hoping I can break away from them so I can begin to heal
My narc brother thought he could take over my life after our parents died. I gave him his walking papers 9 years ago. Even so, it's taken a lot of effort to grow and get past issues. Not talking to myself the way my dad used to talk to me was one of the biggest.
Talking to ourselves the way they did is a huge hurdle to get over. It's imprinted on us and you have to make scripts, or what some call affirmations so that we get used to hearing different words. Covid hasn't helped any!
I spent my entire childhood being told that I "was either with us or against us." Every time I had an interest or an ambition outside of what they wanted, I was accused of abandoning or betraying them. It was always black and white. That was how they kept me imprisoned for years.
@@petrapavlovic7856 I am infinitely better now. In my 20s I was being blackmailed into making a bad career and life decision, and I decided enough was enough--I had worked too hard to lose my opportunity. So I refused to cave in and change my decision, so my narcissistic parent and sibling dropped me. I've never been more myself since I stopped talking to them.
There came a time in my life when I said, “My family will not give me respect or honor me as a person.” There is no value in being mad, I just set up boundaries so their attitudes affected me less.
I Googled the FULL QUOTE. Apparently, it goes like this: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” "The blood of the covenant" was a reference to soldiers creating stronger bonds during battle. Meaning, the relationships that you CHOSE are more meaningful than familial ties. Totally the opposite of what people think of when they hear the shorter version of the quote. (0_0)
“You don’t know what love and family is” said my mother in law all because I refuse to be her scapegoat, refuse to have her project onto me, refuse to indulge her in her codependency issues, refuse to lie for her, refuse to gossip with her, refuse to let her meddle and belittle me, refuse to let her body shame me. I cut her off 4-5 years ago. She wants to reconcile now but I have a feeling she wants me back only to pick on me more. This is crippling.
Go with that feeling your gut instinct Trust your self the body never lies Listen and be mindful how you are feeling body wise narscisists never let go hun Only look back to see how far you've come Freedom is your guiding light Peace out Sorayax
In those 4-5 years, did your mother-in-law go to therapy and admit that she was a narcissist, then do the work and come out the other side? If not, then stay away.
I did not know the meaning of this proverb. There is a phrase that also applies to family dynamics in narcissism "Street angel, house devil" or is Spanish "candil de la calle, oscuridad de la casa". Always something to learn with your videos. Thank you so very much❤
Emotions which are instilled in us early on in childhood is the weapon abusive families use to reel you back into the fold so they can keep abusing you, while claiming that they love you. Working on those emotions and reisisting the discomfort they create can break that cycle and finally set you free.
I needed to hear this. My narcissistic mother is ALWAYS badmouthing the people who don't back her up in gaslighting me, and those who ACTUALLY have my back. It's so sad, because there's no more obvious way to show me that she REALLY doesn't care about me at all.
This video is the one that means the most to me! This explains my life completely. Thank you for this! I needed this more than you will ever know. Best decision I ever made was to set and hold firm boundaries. When those boundaries were violated I separated myself from the person doing it. Now I see even more clearly how much I’m used and abused mentally/emotionally to get what they want when they want it. I accept that I didn’t get a cookie cutter family/childhood but I am proud of who I am and especially who I have become recently by standing up for myself. I feel like I am finally living for me.❤️
Same here! Finally learning my sense of agency and self that was robbed of me as a child, and setting boundaries is so vital. Good luck in your journey, great job so far!!
I'm just here to chime in with chorus of people going "so, I see you've met my family" LOL. Sometimes Dr. R gets it so on the nose it's downright eerie. You're da bomb, Dr. Ramani! Thanks for allowing us to feel seen and providing actionable steps/great advice. :)
Question for my Ramani peeps: If your family currently holds a grudge against you for crap they did *TO* you, why in actual Hell are you the only party in that equation that feels bad about it? (Read that again) LEAVE and bring your Love, morals, loyalty, and awesome talents to those of us that want to *share* a life with you. Y'all have a great weekend! 👍😎
My family ignored and abused me all my life and now when im putting myself together they call me selfish. Never a call or a gift on any of my bdays but i have to be there for them or im not a good person, when they are the older siblings
@@Canaday291 Thanks 🙂 I saw a meme that was close to that, and thought, "OMG, that's my narc family experience!" Orig. quote: "I got people holding grudges against me for s$&# they *DID* to me!" 😁🙃🤣😆
Yep mines done the same to me. It's always been the same old shit for them to blame me for their problems and what they did. And get this guys they even blamed me for what the dog did. It was a little male unneutered poodle kissing on my grandmother's couch all the time and he was doing it long before I moved in but I was accused of having sex with a boyfriend I had then and that was their reason why the dogs was kissing on the couch. Now how fucking stupid was that!!!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system. I remember venting to my brother one day about how horribly my mom has treated me and treats me nowadays. His response was anything that she does to me is my fault because I didn’t set proper boundaries. He’s not admitting to any fault of hers. It’s not that what she does is inappropriate, it’s not that I’ve tried to set boundaries and she totally disregards them and disrespects me…once again, it’s my fault. It’s so crazy how he never says that she’s done anything wrong. No matter what, it’s my fault…even her wrong doing. This is like a father sexually abusing his daughter and telling the daughter it’s her fault she’s abused because she didn’t tell him to stop. Learning about narcissism has been the biggest relief I’ve ever experienced. After all these years, the crazy experiences I’ve had, are validated. I knew that there was a problem and I knew it wasn’t me. I couldn’t get anyone to see it or agree with it…until now. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani
This is my entire life. My mom and dad always blamed everything on me. I was hurt because the other siblings were treated like royalty. They to this day know I was treated wrong but will not confront the parents ….they still cover up parents lies. Father just died I forgave him thinking life with family would change. Nope…was told they didn’t need my help…never asked me to even be part of funeral other than show up! So I’m still all alone….am I just too soft hearted? Am I wrong for wanting a relationship with my family, Am I wrong for walking away? Am I wrong for expecting things to change? My entire 60 years I felt like a failure, never wanted, never told good job when I created my own business. Nothing….silence because I walked away and said enough is enough.
I always get a lot out of your videos. You are a wise lady. You understand a very complex pattern of mistreatment many of us had from our Narcistic family. My parents seem to think mistreating their kids was something they were entitled to do because they were our parents. It is so hard to grow up in a family where you never felt valued or loved. You videos helps us feel like someone who is smart understands.
The first people to treat me with genuine respect were officers and NCO’s in the Army. I gave 100% there and they gave back even more. My father was a retired master sergeant. After joining I was an E4 in five months and an acting sergeant in eight. I was very proud of myself because I wanted was to be just like him. I wrote home and told him and he ignored me. All I can figure is that I threatened the hell out of him by succeeding so fast. When I called and said why no acknowledgement he did say good job and wrote me a letter. In it he said I was no. one to him. Of course I called hurt and he told me no. with a period is an old abbreviation for the word “number” ... he was saying I was number one to him. Later I went to Vietnam and served in a rear area where I ended up as television news anchor in Saigon as an E5 and announced the end of the Vietnam War. I was decorated twice for rear area service. I was decorated again at Fort Sam Houston for service, all this in three years. Never was there an acknowledgment from either parent that I had become not just a good, but a responsible, even admirable adult. I now have a PhD in psychology.I thank the Army for being a better mother and father to me than my own parents were. I will always thank the Army for treating me like a human being. My parents fucked up by not realizing what a good person I was and am.
Often these same parents brag about your accomplishments to their contacts as if they did them, but you hear nothing unless that 3rd party mentions it. Thank you for your service and stellar growth and achievements.
First thank you for your service. But second, they mistreated you because they DID recognize your decency (and realized it eclipsed theirs). Mine kept me playing a rigged game for approval I’d never get also. Your dad didn’t even get as far as clueing-in (or caring) that you’d followed his lead because you admired and wanted to please him because he was too busy needing to be the only one in the military (and definitely the only one receiving recognition there). You did WAY worse than threaten him, you outshone the master (which my guess is he couldn’t fathom you even considering, because the love you owe him is some kind of irrational clairvoyant servitude). Doing well at the narcissist’s “thing” is a super big no-no. I always think successful entertainers who say they don’t want their children in “ the industry“ because it’s whatever actually just don’t want that kid stepping into “their” spotlight. Very irrational to think what one person “gets” has anything to do with what another person “gets” outside of a real contest, and narcissistic greed is definitely irrational. Maybe if not for the military getting you away…..all I know is if it hadn’t been for jrotc in military school IDK where I’d have picked up any inkling of integrity - because they sure as hell weren’t teaching it at home. And when I came back they took credit for any of my good shit they couldn’t destroy (and blame me for). You figured out how to punk one of these mofos! So high five to you for that.
I'd only to close my home's door behind me.... Unfortunately that lead to an unwarranted bad reputation..... So what, a girl's gotta get attention somewhere!
@@joywebster2678 that's what I got that she always spoke well about me, it was the furthest thing from my mind, I was also told I sounded so much like her, pls, the other way around perhaps!
@@joywebster2678 I think that kind of gushing is usually over the golden child but I definitely caught wind of some of that happening a couple of times as well. However there was also somebody at his funeral who told me they didn’t know he had “another” son (referring to me as they shook my hand). Very easy to get scapegoated when you’re the eldest because you’re the old news with the longest memory of their bullshit. A father who thinks there’s no better name to give a kid than his own (or a soon-to-be first ex-wife who pulls a surprise pregnancy at the tail end of a marriage naming the kid after his father as in my case) is definitely saying something. After he died I bought some tumblers just you know household stuff and they offered monogramming which is something I never do or even want (wonder why, I don’t even have my own name). I have some hand-me-downs with HIS monogram (not a complaint, just reiterating we have the same initials) so I probably think monogramming’s gross for that reason but I think it’s also generally pretty cheesy otherwise. So it was kinda not the catharsis I thought it would be to order them monogrammed using my nickname and skipping my middle name (so BG instead of REG) as much as I enjoyed hearing him in my imagination tell me how I ruined those cups with my stupid toy monogram. My brother (nine years younger, half brother) who didn’t even stick around by his deathbed until he drew his last breath, on the other hand, could do no wrong. If that’s who he wanted for a favorite they certainly deserved one another. He even tried to declare our dad non compos mentis two months after he wrote a will favoring my brother which I could tell from the execution date was a couple of months after I refused to pretend like nothing happened after he said something beyond outrageously horrible and not even true (“you can live with aids but it’s expensive and you don’t have that kind of money only I have that kind of money“ and “when have you ever had a winning streak“) as a way to bait my brother in to pay attention to him and retaliate for me “abandoning” him. 22 pages of nastiness declaring me an infertile godless eunuch and my brother basically the second coming. I mean if you have more than five pages who are you Jay Z Bill Gates or who? Only house I’ve ever heard of taking longer to sell than Eddieland was Neverland, which is why I call that ridiculous unhappy place that. He went where he could be a big fish in a small pond and built a monument to himself that looks so out of place (Suburbaterranean stucco w clay roof out where everything looks like W’s place in Crawford with limestone facades and metal roofs). Another narcissist wants to build his own monument unless he can make someone else’s his amazing deal, which is what happened and that’s fine it was his. The money doesn’t matter; it’s being treated differently that does. He was such a tool. The blowjob log (“guestbook”) he left behind explained who had needed to get himself checked for HIV... so he was projecting and I know that’s the way he thought he was supposed to talk to me about it if I actually had been sick because he accused me of getting an injury I do have by going to a quack doctor. Waaaay different from my brother’s rotator cuff and carpal tunnel. Sent him a picture of another injury one time and he told me not to send him pictures like that. It was a picture of my face. So maybe it’s not a walk in the park for goldens, but they were at least allowed to win those few rounds that ever went to anyone other than the HNIC. Yup, Narcissist is my N-word
This resonates with me big time. One of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking "my family will always be there just in case" but they never were, I never truly had the support system I thought I had. I've been beating myself up for coming back here when the going got tough. I have an uncle who has been mocking, belittling and twisting my words to paint me as a bad person since before I could walk, I'm just now realizing it in my 30s. He told me about two years ago that he had a dream that I died as a baby and he had to burn my corpse, I brushed it off as just a dream, but now that I understand narcissism better I see it for what it really is, a disdain for me. A chance to get out of here once and for all is coming, it has to work out for me.
I can relate to your story...my uncle used the mental health card against me when I confronted him for being inconsiderate, dismissive, and not listening to my side of the story. I just responded that he was passive and weak.
My sister got in a really bad car accident she was the baby and the apple of my dad's eye. She almost died she is to this day severely handicapped. My dad told me one day at the hospital . well it could have been you.. and I really read that as ...it should have been you. I had always felt his disdain for me. Thank God for my saint of a mother...she encouraged me and praised me and helped me mentally and emotionally and physically ...protected me from his flat out meanness.
...Hoping that one day if I really needed them they would be there... It was worse than I thought and I will never regret not going back or even looking back. My life has more peace now that I found Dr Ramani.
@@maryjankowski9032 I’m really glad you had a mother to support you that way. Car accidents can be so scary and serious, and it’s sad that it happened to your sister, it’s terrible about your dad, parents can really mess you up, but it’s good that your intuition picked up on what he really meant, the sooner we can learn the better.
Oh my Dr. Ramani, you're describing my sisters behavour to a tee. Ever since my childhood, they put me up on a pedestal to only knock me down hard in my adult life. I made a mistake and they found their power against me to kick me hard while I was down. I had to walk away to preserve and protect my own psyche. I'm better off!
YES!!! "Your friends are trying to move in with you", to take advantage ostensibly, every time, when my friends were better to me than my family ever was.
'they dont even like it when you succeed.' After 4 years of isolation and lonliness I have just started a new job and my toxic father belittling me n being rageful cos i didnt tell him what time..., I am 26. 'Keeping sand bags on baloons so they don't float away' ... so hard to deal with
I was fascinated to learn that this proverb originally meant THE OPPOSITE of the modern meaning. The blood didn't refer to 'family' but to blood spilled in battle. The water (which in the modern reading is a little confusing) was actually 'birth water', i.e. family of origin. So the original meaning was: "The blood you spill in battle makes for a closer bond with your brothers in arms, than with the family you were born into" Which is actually quite comforting to those of us with difficult relationships with our birth families ☀️
THIS!!!! When I learned that it gave whole new meaning and made me love it. When people missus it I just smile and agree reminding myself how to truly feel.
The full phrase goes something like "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". Kinda has the opposite meaning of "blood is thicker than water" when you think about it!
This video hits home. I come from a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic mother. Many years ago I unconsciously started creating a second family. My three best friends are like a second mother and the sisters I never had (only child). They are the ones I go to for the good and the bad.
I always thought my mother and he sister were the only narcissists in the family but I now realise there are more and they have been manipulating me and gaslighting me for years. It helps a lot to realise I have a narcissist family. Learning what’s happening to you is freeing.
Thank you for this. My friends and I have what we call our "chosen family". My biological family is always astounded when I say I prioritize people who don't invalidate and judge me. It's like they can't wrap their heads around the reality that when you denigrate someone they're less likely to spend time with you. The problem is while I have a very toxic family system on one side, there are individuals who are the exception and who I do feel guilty leaving behind. My compromise has been to have a healthy distance and visit only once or twice a year. Even that though can be so draining and exhausting.
I feel like I've been trying to put a 5,000 piece puzzle for a very long time, trying to make sense of so, so much. Thank you Dr. Ramani for handing me the top of the puzzle box. It all makes sense now and the pieces are finally falling into place!
I find the full phrase to be more validating. The blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb. Meaning platonic relationships can have more healing potential.
Save your energy for you and your sis! Stay healthy yourself, they don't have it in them to give, it's like we're (we're not really) asking too much of them. Try to see them as your favorite dumb animals and watch the phone sugar, if it's important they'll leave a message, mine would give an incredible amount of 'Call me back' but wouldn't take the time to listen to my replies seriously only wanting to hear their own voice, others wouldn't leave a message but just an annoying time consuming click! Malignant mom bought me a cell to peg me down better, I'd often shut it off pleading batt wear, that drove her nuts, 🐀 rat's ass, be thankful for yourself, you're the best you'll ever get! Later on when their karma kicks in be as uninvolved/helpful as they were as they've set the pattern and you've learned by their examples!
I married into a Narcissistic Family Cult & combined with my husband’s Mexican culture & the macho hierarchy within the community & family structures I the daughter-in-law instantly became the scapegoat & endless & relentless criticism from his family & the head narcissist mother when she was alive for the entire 25 years of my marriage intentionally made herself feel entitled to meddle in our lives & caused so many problems, his siblings are very conniving & constantly sabotaging & conspiring against one another in one way or another. The lies & deception they can construct is truly astounding. I am thankful & grateful for all the information I have learned about in able to understand what the heck was going on & happening with the family dynamics, because you see it, you know it & living in it but you get gaslighted by them to make you believe you’re the crazy one & now I am validated & informed there’s no way they can gaslight me ever again. Knowledge is power!
Completely cutting off my family saved my life. I was so beaten down by them I was ready to end my life. I got therapy and am finally beginning to heal.
Good for you!👏 I did the same, and now I am working on keeping the door closed and the trauma bond it caused. The loneliness can trick you into thinking you need them again.
I never knew what Narcissm was until my family came to my rescue after the sudden death of my husband. They were wonderful until I realized something was "off." They told me how to grieve, deciding to push me through the grieving process & everything I was supposed to do. According to them I had no say nor the sense to figure out anything without their approval. Soon, they were not happy if I did not see things their way. Thank goodness my grief counselor asked the simple question "Why did I think they had done this or not done that?"They were making themselves look good. Had nothing to do with me, all about them. I have done everything from grey rock to no contact. Why do they still live in my head? I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. Blood betrayal is the absolute worse. Blood lines mean nothing to me.✌️
“Blood is thicker than water,” was and still is a mantra in my family. This saying fostered my inability to connect with friends and to view them as fleeting and untrustworthy. I DESPISE this saying. I’m so grateful that you brought this up. Thank you so much.
I knew something was wrong when I stopped feeling connected to my biological family. Most visits home were like going to see strangers. No cultivation with relationships mainly because the desire to be around each other was not and still isn't there. Being the youngest I feel more liberated being away from my family. I think we're all meant to find out where we fit in. I'm still on my journey of self-realization working towards (actualization)
I moved 4,000 miles away & let me tell you it helps a lot & I mean a lot so don’t think moving away doesn’t help. We have only been home to visit 2 times in over 12 years.
"We're family." = I can abuse you and it's acceptable because we're related.
😁😅👍
Right it's unbelievable how many people relate to this yet in society it doesn't look like anybody relates at all
That bullshit stopped working on me 8 yrs,ago.
Yes this is so overrated that whole family is everything bull crap we can kiss that goodbye.
They don't like when u marry healthy people. Word!!!
the narc family member will treat you worse than a stranger ever would.
It is the truest thing
Hi Joe you are SO right. I stayed away and healed and then thought i could help my GC brother when our parents passed. Nearly tried to cripple me as i have a bad back. let on to ask me for a hug...went to try to cripple me.
so hurt as im left with perma injuries
When I left for college someone a stranger showed me where to get bus and even helped me carry my bag and bus driver told me where my stop was..I have never forgotten their kindness in 30 years...simply never experienced kindness from very large toxic family..that's very sad when I see it written down 😢
It has always been that way, they usurp and let the people they Mary abuse their own blood and turn them against eachother
@@margaretriordan1635 thanks for your story, I totally feel ya there. Reminds me how important it is to pay little kindnesses forward, they make a big difference indeed.
I find it interesting that narcissistic families will criticize anyone that is disloyal to them, yet they’re constantly being disrespectful and disloyal to the scapegoat in their family. It’s totally one sided.
So damn twisted
@@kerribarclay5976 wow your story LINE is also my story, OMG
I know!!!! My family is mad at me for “giving up on the family” and pretending it would be a happy system otherwise. but they don’t know all the shit each of them talks about the other because I keep their stupid secrets for them!! It’s so frustrating!
I've always been a right is right and wrong is wrong type person and whoever is wrong I'm gonna tell em because I'd be wrong if I didn't. At the same time though, just because (say a close friend) I said they were wrong does not mean i ain't on their side 💯 cause that will never change. An enemy of mine could have been the one who's right and I'd have to say it but by God we are still enemies and fire off on each other right then. That has absolutely nothing to do with loyalty. The loyalty was never being a question who's side I'm on by anyone cause it was known.
My family was never loyal or really even there for me. I was beat on pretty bad when I was a kid and everyone's bright idea was put me in an institution and I'll be safe and get some help. Nobody ever considered stopping the problem and protect me like that and get out patient help be more reasonable and insanely cheaper. $800 to $1,200 a day depending on classes and doctors. Age 9 I went in got out twice for less than 90 days together and got out at 15 immediately filed a petition to grant me emancipation from my mom and the Jude gave it to me. He said in almost 30 yrs on the bench he'd seen the worst and never felt another way couldn't be found cause no child he's seen in court could have ever been successful. He said he felt good I'd be alright and i had it in me to never give up on my goals. That was probably the worst blow to their narssassict ego. Wasn't a few yrs later my mom seen me in the store and the first words out of her mouth was if she gave me $10 extra and money for the beer would I go to my bootlegger since my state didn't sell alcohol on Sunday. I'm 17 and still a minor even with being emancipated. Not one word since day of court couple yrs back and went to the bootlegger for her since I was like 7 and a couple times when I was out of that institution. Been buying beer and alcohol since 15 from the liquor store. She assumed I needed money and I'd say yes cause I had too and bootlegger was like a mile away so $10 was to much. I just looked her in the eye turned around and walked away. I worked two jobs and went to school so I had a little money, enough I didn't need a dime from her. That felt great I must say.
@@kerribarclay5976 buddy I pretty much dealt with the same treatment. Mom beat the hell out of me, brother and sister both younger cane first in everything. I loved my sister to death until I found out she lied about being raped, sent the child that supposedly came from that rape three states away to see him 14 or ,15 yrs old so she could meet her use to be rapist dad and then last year the grandbaby went with her. Sister still acts just like all the rest of the evil bitches and takes no blame. Her husband who up till the day before he called me this last February he'd been her father her whole life. Now he knows he's not how could they have kept on hiding and lying to him going behind his back and now everyone knew but Shawn in his own house. One of my daughters isn't mine either and understand all too well the emotions and pain worse than any physical. Brother changed his name married a 60 yr old lady when he was 22. See ya dude don't call! Dad never had anything to do with any of us even before they divorced and ain't changed a bit. I couldn't take the disloyalty or trust them so I left and never went back.
If I had stayed I'd be in your position not long from now.
One of my earliest lessons in life:
When you're on the edge, you don't turn to family. They will give you the final push.
Damn
What happens to me 90% of the time and that’s why I would never live there with them.
💯
Wow, that is a good one. Thank you.
Absolutely.
Always the abusive members who says that family should stick together no matter what. They don't want to let go of their victims. Nah, I'm running.
Omg, for real. There is no place to be your own person
My mom always said that but I called her out since I had never even met her father
Yes that’s what I did
Period 🏃
Their b.s.! I don't deal with my narc dad and his enabler/flying monkey girlfriend.
The narc family doesn't want you to be happy period.
misery loves company
True
Its crazy making when they say they do.
Well said. Hard to wrap your mind around.
Im wondering that my sister will ruin things for her self but she is also dragging with her my daughter who is totally innercent. I hate my family so keeping my distance from them, but still gonna keep on beeing love because of my daughter.. working on getting my daughter home by working on getting smarter than them.
Being out numbered makes you feel so alone .
That is what social workers and police are for. Nothing wrong with making and filing police reports and nothing wrong with after that following the instructions police give you like to call a social worker or whatever like an anonymous family support group organization.
Frances, police wasn't needed at all until I broke away . But yeah don't think police would of done much with me feeling lonely 😀
If you can do so privatly, keeping a journal can strenghten yout resolve. Something you can refer back to when your start doubting your memory.
@@ronfox5519 that's what we do now. Us involving the police only gave them more fuel . They never let up !! Always finding news ways to contact you . Who knew that blocked people could private message you ??? Then the letters through the post...... 4 years and counting. Like clockwork on birthdays and special occasions it's always to remind we're bad people and it's all our fault .
@@kaceyxleigh wow. Thats pretty extreme. I just got pushed away after they figured out that i couldnt be broke. I hope things turn out good for you in the end.
I will pray for you.
The hardest thing for me to understand/accept is that your family can try to sabotage your happiness yet claim they want the best for you. That secondary gain is quite deceptive.
I know. Accepting that is the last straw. Then you see the things as they are.
This is what I struggle with too.
Me to 😔
It cost me an additional ten years of my life. I was so confused, my own sister and mother being jealous of me, so I stopped with healing myself.
I know how that feels. It happens to me, and it is a form of gaslight.
When you said, "They don't like when you Marry healthy people, who help you foster healthy boundaries." Nailed it again Dr. Ramani.
Yes, when my parents did not want my husband and young daughter around I knew I was doing something right and kissed my parents goodbye.
True! Wen i refused to end up with a stinky yokal who produced the ugliest lookn runt I upgraded by a few levels to at that time a better lookn seemingly nicer bloke! That didnt turn out either but at least i got away from the family favourite! Ooh that went down badly as the adoptive mother lurrvveed the skank I dumped n hung onyo every word his vile(tnk god now long deceased!) Mother! N dnt get me started on thst revulting old hag bag!
Spot on with this one .My mother &Father and siblings gave me and my wife a hell of a time. Finally I realised they didn't Love me after years of trauma bonding .We have gone No Contact for a year now isn't always easy but at least we have some peace. And I can be Me!
Hit me spot on...
My mom made my friends go away from me my sister tried to manipulate my husband for a divorce ,and both of them tried to manipulate my daughter .hopefully I went no contact .they are not family for me blood is poison
The grief is overwhelming. The time I wasted for decades trying to please them and never succeed. I can't even let my brain think about what i experienced.
My heart goes out to u.
You know I had 23 yr married then escaped n did it again for 11 yrs. Then finally thought I was free only to have a sister. Late in my life after her husband died I am 72 now well I now know they are the sick ones and I look at it different not for them but for me. How can I hate anyone who is a mental patient? I actually had to change my thinking and realize they are not part of my story anymore. My story might be thin without the years with them but my story now is content and happy and when they come to mind I pray for them n know that the Lord has a special place for them…. It makes me smile..
Let your silence be your revenge..cus I tried explaining it and it always gets thrown back in my face
I’m so sorry! We grieve for what could have been in our life. But these narcissistic, toxic people can’t love or feel empathy because they are insecure and incapable of loving us because of childhood pain and shame. They inflict pain to others so they feel relief. They are very damaged. It’s not you, although the pain is real and traumatic. Sending you peace
I understand..
this made me cry. in a narcissistic family you may be well cared for in terms of material need,s so you feel you have no grounds to be miserable. But psychological imprisonment, gaslighting, stonewalling. rejection and the resulting sense of GRIEF can be devastating.
It gave me some real big cognitive dissonance. It seems so loving and caring, right?🥴😑
i love u thanku so much
💪💞
Yes, it was torture growing up in the narcissistic family system. Physical needs were provided but love wasn't!
My experience
In our family of communal narcissists, "blood is thicker than water" only works in one direction. The narcissistic family members use it to excuse even the most disgusting behavior while placing incredible blame on the healthy family members when they set reasonable boundaries.
It's a WTF situation. Once, working way up north here in Quebec doesn't malignant mom drive up to see me bringing "BBQ" but, I'm working an 8/6, 8 days on/6 days off (I'm working for the gouv) so, you'd think she'd of inquired/made sure I was there, not so, before driving up looking for unappreciative, once more, me! I always went back to the city, a mile away from her! Too bad I could make it at both places I might have moved further away!
⚠️
👍👍👍
Brilliant. You nailed it! They use this proverb to excuse and enable their behavior and shame healthy family members.
My narc family member wants support when dealing with strangers but are rarely if ever are there when you need that "back up."
"Narcissistic family systems... don't like when you marry healthy people that help you foster boundaries... These family systems are often designed to keep people psychologically imprisoned."
Wow. This describes my family so accurately. They never do have your back, only when it's convenient for them.
Cut them off. Never looking back. 2nd best decision I ever made in my life.
What was #1? Piqued my curiosity.
@@Earl_E_Burd marrying my wife 😊
They pretend to have your back only to get you back in touch with the virus and to aggrandize themselves as superior, caring helpers. They recoil when you do well. They are nourished when you need them. They repeat compulsively what they have been offered in childhood . Innocent criminals we are all until we are not
I can't cut them off, my mother and relatives. They've stolen too much from me.
I have virtually nothing by which too live.
They've stolen a family and 3 or 4 homes from me. Smeared and slandered me my whole life to each other and others and then THEY cut ME off and went NO CONTACT.
THEY'RE NOT YOUR AVERAGE NARCISSIST.
They, especially my mother are high functioning covert NEGLECTFUL type of narcasists extremely destructive combination of traits that judging by what doctor Ramani says are the worst of the worst when it comes to narcissists.
They've totally destroyed me while they've never suffered but I've ever seen in my lifetime of 53 years.
And I just started learning about what they are four or five years ago way too late.
God bless anyone affected by these creatures of darkness.
Go go! Go Ian (and wife) Go go!
👍🙂🎉♥️🥂👏😎
I was finally able to distance myself from my family. It took 44 years but my only regret is that I didn't do it much sooner.
Facts
❤❤❤❤❤
I know what you mean. I am glad that you chose you even when it was really hard to do so. I pray that things are better to and for you IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN.
Me too.
Needed to hear this
my family had another proverb "don't wash your dirty laundry in public' which they used to gaslight me into not sharing family problems with close friends
My narcissistic family meme er was mentally and physically abusive and used fear to get submission and he would say what happens in this house stays in this house
My family spends an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to make the world think we are "normal" and repudiating insidious dysfunction.
"Or else you'll do what?
Bite me."
Wow, that's exactly what they tell me too😳
Wow.
Something we say in the South: “If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” We say it like it’s totally normal and healthy, but it is like a prison for one family member’s mood to control the entire family.
Soooooo true! 🌻
I've heard that so many times its stupid.... Self entitled woman who.believe if they don't get there way they should be a bitch to everyone else...
One famous example of this is Queen Victoria. There are monuments, and even a PBS series about her, but she was a horrible woman, only concerned with her own desires. She was depressed and miserable, and wanted her children to feel the same way.
Don't forget "Happy wife, happy life."
similar to "happy wife, happy life" with the same outcome as “If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” A good meme would be "Happy Spouse, Happy House"
These videos are changing millions of lives. There are no words to describe how grateful I am for you Dr. Ramani!
Me 2 Thanks Doc.
me to she is like labonny biswas, flemming sept-iles quebec canada, my best friend, smart cookie
She is! The best. Will go down in history as one of the greatest psychologists of our time next to Jordan B Peterson
Definitely 😊
💯🙌
We have another saying in Germany, that "friends are the family you chose"
A great saying which is so so true
True. But a huge problem is when the abuse has crippled you socially and you are unable to make friends...
@@xrc7445 That's so true - my two best friends both died - one from cancer & the other by suicide - but my narc family has destroyed my self esteem to the point I just can't reach out to people who could potentially be friends - I feel like I'll be rejected for rejecting my family members, like I'll be labelled as the bad one, plus nobody wants a friend who comes with this sort of 'baggage' - I feel so sad.
@@xrc7445 that part is your fault. Heal yourself
@@LibbySlaughter101 release that bagage . It is not the real you .
Strangers treat u better than your own friends and family.
My wife's family, they hate anyone that has a different viewpoint, or calls them on their BS. It's extremely difficult being the spouse of someone enmeshed in a narcissistic family. The lies, the gaslighting and deflecting really takes its toll on you.
My blood family was the same way. Fortunately, I was able to identify this while in my late teens and early twenties and heal by breaking away from this mindset. My healing absolutely intensified the narcissistic isolation as punishment and I eventually became as those they hated for having a different perspective.
"They hate the one who rebukes in the gate, And they abhor the one who speaks uprightly." Amos 5:10
Respectfully, I wouldnt marry someone who was close to that type of family.
I am sorry for you but don't be mad on your wife because I was in same spot I lost ao many relationships because of them. They always faked scensrios in fron of my partner making gaslight when I was not around....keep them far away do not visit them too much but let your wife to choose if she want to but remove your self to be safe of them and there is nothing wrong about that
Amen to that..they're awful to each other but they're positively evil to outsiders-aka spouses of..I understand your pain..
parents will so often guilt trip the kids using phrases like: "I brought you into this world!" "I put food on the table!" "I put a roof over your head!" like they expect bounteous praise just for doing what parents are supposed to do. and most often they use these phrases to force the kids to accept abusive behavior.
Maybe those kids are disrespectful. It works both ways.
This!
Exactly, they like to pretend that it wasn't their own choices and decisions that led to them having a child. Children owe their parents NOTHING. providing for a child is the responsibility you CHOSE to take on when you decided to have a child.
@@bagobeans Yes, of course! If parents are mean to their children it is always the fault of the children! I mean, they are burdened by a child that forced itself into the world and now they have to take it as it is. A parent has no chance to shape the behaviour of a child! And if the child is disrespectful, it is not the parents who raised it like this! The child came to this world out of pure malignity und makes the life of its parents hell! Poor parents who had bad luck with their children!
Did I mention that my coping mechanism often is sarcasm?
Narcissistic blood is stickier than water. It's like a group of vampires sucking your energy dry. 💔
Yup and no replenishing that's for sure!
That is a PERFECT description.
YES!
I remember seeing a book that used that description.
Very accurate.
I say they're a cross between that and boa constrictors, especially since boas are ambush predators.
🐍🦇😬
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 what book is that? It definitely feels like a boa constrictor. As if I could never break free from the super enmeshed family structure even though I tried
A family is nothing more than the group of humans you happened to be born to; it is a neutral bond. They don't own you, and you have every right to end or limit those relationships if they are bad for you. Just like any other relationship.
I wish I'd been able to read this back when I was in my 20s
I would like to add up a connection point to your words: that any healthy relationship is based on mutual autonomy. In which both individuals inobligatorily desire to strive for a connection toward the other, and stimulatinously fathom the idea that the other person has the right to discontinue the relationship. It takes time to understand such thoughts practically, because sometimes we may wish that the world is different and is adjacent to our desired perception of it. But since that it is not and will never be, one shall does their best at understanding it to its most practical form. To reiterate, understand things the way the are, and make the best of them the way they are.
@@MJay3060 couldn't have said this better myself!!!! 🙌🙌
My biggest regret about growing up in an abusive and manipulative family is that I never learned how to recognize love or how to show love. As the family scapegoat, I learned how to sacrifice, then how to fight back, and then to be overly protective. I am not sure one ever truly recovers from childhood systems or trauma. Working on and accomplishing self-love is the most I can hope for, and Dr. Ramani helps so much to that goal.
Me too
Hugs dear. You have put into words efficiently, what I've struggled for years to express.
The family scapegoat hits so close. I literally was searching definitions for that yesterday cus its so hard to be blamed for stuff I didn't do repeatedly so I've gotten to the point of isolating myself from them to prevent it from happening again
She’s an evolutionary game changer.
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." 1 Cor 13:4-8
I found alot of people don't like it when your doing well and are happy without them....crazy isn't it... 💖💖
Yes. My mother used to always say, “Family is important “ meaning that no matter what they do, you stick together. One time I said back to her, “unless they are abusive”. She looked at me rather shockingly.
Exactly!
My mother, too, she always said that we had no family notion unlike her all the time, and that meant that we were there to serve her, and we did not do that. A lot of gaslighting, manipulation and lies. Narcs do not know how to communicate their needs and cannot understand that some needs are wrong.
I have faith that I will say this to my mother one day. Once I get my chance to leave and have backup. Creating distance from her.
@@warrenbradford2597 i know exactly where you're coming from. For some, me included, it's seriously hard. Saying bye forever from toxic narcissistic parents that my sisters should have empowered me to do, AND should have followed me, instead fight me and make it harder. They're great in most every other area of life, but they're still brainwashed that mom and dad can say and do whatever they want with very minimal consequences. I'm sure it's hard on their marriages. I pray they'll see the light and free themselves. I often wonder if my sisters would have backed me up, my parents would actually get counseling... 😢 i guys I'll never know.
my mom was naive about family my dad 15 years her senior had more experiences with people than my sheltered mom dad disliked some cousins dad was 100 percent correct about them
"While it's lovely to think you're family will always have your back , it's very painful when they don't."
I'm feeling this right now.
I have felt this many times. I’m sorry you’re going through this!
Sooo true...me too. Such a Ride awakening and painful
Im with you😔
Me too
At age 7 I was burnt in a kitchen mishap on Christmas Eve. I spent the night in the hospital, and for weeks I had nightmares that the house would catch on fire while I was sleeping, and they would all leave the house. I dreamed they would all be under the apple tree in the back yard-with the cat- and firefighters and trucks and lights and hoses would be spraying, and one of them would -usually my sister - would look up and say "where's Linda?"
I broke the chains with my narcissistic family ,my father was a grandiose narc and my mum a covert one .My sisters were covert too and as for me I always had the feeling that I didn't belong to the family as if I came from another planet.
I suffered so much that I distanced myself and now only pay random visits tomymum's house, I cannot face her now that she is 83, I let her enjoy her life , while I focus solely on mine. Don't care that much ,I would have achieved so many things in my life if I'd beengiven the right guidance instead of putting up with blame, bullying ,gaslighting and manipulation.
many Christians know they don't belong here my mom is gone for many years now. i don't have ties with my family. they are into greed. don't know if your christian we wish you well
Sue your not alone, you just told my story! Lol
Sue,
My family is identical: malignant narc sociopathic dad, covert narc mom, pretty sure covert narc sister/s...also had a grandiose narc maternal grandma that really influenced my childhood (we were the less favorite grandkids.)😥
I literally demanded to see my birth certificate when I was 12 because I didn't feel that I belonged to my family since I looked different & was treated so differently! Of course I was denied & told to "get over it."😕
I personally have confronted ALL my narcs, am no contact with dad, in therapy with mom (to confirm she truly was what my gut told me & get a professional's input; I was right & lucky to have an intuitive therapist!), sisters have chosen to barely talk to me for the last 3 years because I "caused them pain" from confronting them about the abuse they dished (which I am welcoming) BUT after all my hard work...
-my dad admitted to his abuse of me & "apologized" before I cut contact with him.
-my brother has stopped gaslighting me & has begun to validate that I was abused growing up...we've even started to build a relationship.
-my mom has admitted to about half of the abuse she did, even though she continues to triangulate, deny & gaslight with me/my sisters
For me, I am in the healthiest brain space I was ever in & part of that was getting to finally speak the truth of what I went through, & have them admit it, to these people who have always told me it didn't happen. I am drawing firm boundaries & sticking with them. I plan on going extreme gray rock with mom/sisters once we've "reconciled" but that will only work because they live in different states (mom is moving away from me to live near golden child sister.)
Even though I now have my birth certificate & know I am related to this mess of a family, I am blessed to have been the scapegoat because through the pain, I am empathetic, loving, kind, honest, truth-seeking, moral, great at organizing & cleaning (had lots of forced practice growing up!😉), creative, smart & just NOT a narcissist!😁
Stay strong!🦸♀️💪😎
Sue if you were constant reminding everyone that your family is perfect then I would see that as a red flag for sure. It is healthy to be getting on with your own life while not spending too much time with your aging parents when you don't have to and when you do have to when a family member becomes altogether incapacitated then expecting others in your family and in your community too to be carrying their own fair share of that burden. When there was no such thing as nursing homes people died at a lot younger age on average.
I completely understand. Thank you foe sharing
I am half way across the world and I still hear their voices. It is like escaping the physical prison but not the psychological one.
Same I’m a grown mother of 3 and cry in the fuxkin shower out of anger and confusion years later
Yes the emotional and mental abuse doesn't leave scars or marks.None the less they seem permanent. I hope you and I and anyone who ever had to be treated like this finds some kind of solice. Much love all. I am still seeking mine even after 3 years in therapy.
Please try to reclaim your inner voice. Stand in the truth and speak it to yourself constantly.
Those voices WILL leave, but you gotta replace them with the opposite of what your family told you. Keep speaking the truth out loud to yourself. It works!
Hugs ❤
Cup half full or empty?
Lucky you
“Even if you move to the other side of the world, your family may still be in your head” - this is EXACTLY where I’m at. 22 years after moving to the other side of the world I’m finally seeing the light. WHEN that the light comes on, and you understand that you do come from a toxic family system, it can be incredibly freeing. You can suddenly let go of so many misconceptions and the pressures you put on yourself.
I did this same thing, moved to Sweden for five years but the trauma just goes with you until you face it head on
@joshuapjung Be strong man. I am 43 and am regaining my life. I had an extremely abusive childhood, that I am yet to figure out all my problems. I have been assaulted a lot in my childhood and as a result i have very low confidence, and self esteem. I can only say that if you are single, live for yourself for some time then commit yourself If you have family, make sure that you don't pass these traits on.
Left the narcissistic dynamic of my immediate and extended family decades ago. Being their scapegoat drained me to near suicide. Was told often I was not and never will be wanted or be a part of their family. Regularly told by my mother to step in front of a bus or train. Her mother was fully supportive of the abuse and once said I need to be grateful she allowed me to be born.
This upbringing led me to a series of relationships with abusers (friends, partners, even a husband). Fifty now and so happy in my own self since terminating these relationships. Only learned about narcissism and narcissistic abuse in the last year and can relate to so much in these videos. Everything makes sense now.
Thank you Doctor Ramani👍
I'll be 40 and just learned this too. I wish Dr Ramani was taught in school. I always knew something was wrong...the physical abuse was obvious, but that "other abuse couldn't be pinned down. I spent my whole life in abusive relationships especially "family". Once I learned this about narcissism I was finally able to cut all the last shreds of cord that I couldn't before. It's more peaceful for me now and I'm not riddled w guilt that was never mine. I see this abuse happening to my nieces and nephews and children and people everywhere... I wish this would be taught in school
Oh poor you/yup stupid remarks/mine were/here's a quarter, call someone who cares/go play in traffic/you eating again\those aresupposed to be funny/I'm glad you've got you/best stuff ever/so you're of an overt crowd, covert is worse, trust us! Blessings and good luck!
@@Estherbethe1... - I understand when you say, I understand that the physical abuse was obviously wrong, I too wasn’t satisfied with that only being the only thing that was wrong with my family, slowly through watching UA-cam videos, like Lisa Ramano, then finding Dr Ramani, I knew I found the missing link I had been searching for to explains their whacky ways and how to handle them and heal.
OMG. This is a whole new level of sadism. Thank God you got away.
@@Estherbethe1... It took me 64 yrs! I have so many regrets, but NOT guilt.
Blood is thicker than water seems similar to, "She's your only sister". There's a pressure to continue accepting the toxic treatment because they're family. Enabling statements I guess. Once we figure out it's narcissism, we come to realize it's unfixable as nothing's ever enough. Even if they go back to the idealization stage, we're just one small perceived slight away from the devaluation again.
Ugh my God! I hear that all of the time! "He's your brother! She's your sister! You should do this or that for them! Yet when I need help I get zero or if I do get help from them they glorify themselves as saviors in my life. Sick sick sick
Exactly! My sis issue also!
My mom had two sisters, unfortunately one sister died in 2013 and her surviving sister she has nothing to do with because her surviving sister allowed her husband to abuse her daughters and son. This sister is in denial that any abuse happened, even though my cousin had to go to therapy to deal with the sexual abuse and the loss of her sister and brother due to suicide. I hate the term blood is thicker than water because I don't care how people are related, it's who is there for you during the tough times and who doesn't hurt you who are real family.
@@cindy7733 so true
❤️
This should be part of the mandatory reading materials that undergrads in social services/ counselor must read .Far too many people are affected by narcissism and the academic sphere is slow to recognise this.
The real pandemic, huh?
metatech
Exactly!
Narcism,
the "on going" pandemic!
Yes! Knowledge is power.
I wish this would be taught in every school.
@@metatechnologist Great comment : ).
My grandmother saw how my family were treating me. Before she passed away she said to me "people say blood is thicker than water, but if youre in the desert what do you look for? Because thats where they put you, in the desert".....always go for water. It keeps you alive, blood doesnt.
Your grandmother was VERY wise.
I'm very surprised that Ramani didn't include the fact that "blood is thicker than water" is actually NOT the full quote! The full proverb is supposed to go "blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb", and it actually means the opposite of what the shorter, more popular quote says. So when you have relationships with those people whom you deem to be healthy and positive influences in your life, that bond with them is stronger and more valuable than those who raised you from birth, your parents, siblings and whatever extended family you had around you growing up. Maybe it's because you CHOOSE those people for yourself that the bond is more meaningful, whereas you don't really have ANY choice in your blood family.
It actually means God before everything…(even your babies to be literal)
my family had another proverb "don't wash your dirty laundry in public' which they used to gaslight me into not sharing family problems with close friends
Yeah, and I think there's several versions of this proverb too.
@@sage9836 idk how to counter them with this
@@sreelakshmi_viswam Yes, in my day we learned "what goes on behind closed doors..." Similar to "airing dirty laundry". Find someone you trust and confide in them. Or get a therapist. That is not the same as airing dirty laundry. The tactic about "laundry" also makes people keep family secrets, sometimes really bad secrets.
Was raised by a narcissistic father and an enabling mother. I left home soon after I graduated and settled in another town. During this time, I would visit home once a year. Though I used to plan to stay for at least 5 to 10day during the visit, I would leave on my 3rd day because my father would remind me of why I left home in the first place. That was my life every year until my father passed away in 2011. Now I visit home 4 to 5 times a year and sometimes spent the whole month.
I'd need to get to hotel airport shuttle just prior to daybreak as mom was the ultimate early riser, even being married didn't tame her, I'd then have 2 pre-schoolers being dragged behind me! Keep rotting see you never gnaw!
@Justin Lukas after I learnt of how she sacrificed herself and stayed in an abusive marriage just to protect us, I couldn’t help but thank her for that.
@@sindiswamoolman5505 did she manage to protect you from your father? Is it possible to live with children next to a person like that without causing psychological damage?
@@sabat8068 My mother was a battered woman. Hence I did everything in my powers to make her last days in this world as comfortable as I could. I visited here every second or third month to be there for her until she passed on in 2018.
@@sindiswamoolman5505 i understand you x
I’ve had blood treat me worse than “water” ever has. All of the psychological issues and past trauma I’ve had has been caused by family. So nope. I didn’t believe that “blood is thicker” stuff even as a child. Family doesn’t mean shit to me, to be honest.
It's true. Even as a kid I realized that tittles like "mother" or "father" etc. are not license to abuse. And even though I wished nothing more than to have a better life w my siblings I still refuse to take shit from ANYONE. All my life I gave and was still never good enough. So so long.
Family means somewhere someone else has got theirs better than mine, that's ok, I'm just good knowing such a scenario exist! 🙋🙂
Sooo Apt - totally Agree.....💛
Family has always let me down, and treated me like shit
Jill Peacock How bad is that..? I can totally relate to some family in the past & in the present. Sometimes the family you choose to have can be better than the real one. & a stranger can be more comforting than family.. Bizarre.. Although am feeling quite isolated atm.
My older narc sister said "family is family" after I was verbally assaulted by my older adult brother and sister and being gas lighted. I cut them out of my life last year. My sister would say in her guilt trip: "well you won't see my kids anymore." Her kids are in their 30s and have lives of their own. Please.
My sister does the same thing. If she feels you're not following her demands fast enough, you're banned from seeing her kids ever again...until she needs something and wants you to watch them. It lasts about 5 minutes.
Emotional blackmail is a cheap get-out-of-jail-free card in a narcissist's crappy life game.
My young nieces and nephew are also pawns of my narcissist siblings. They won't remember me and I can't help them just like I couldn't help my siblings. I'm so angry. We had the perfect example of what NOT to do to children.
Why should she think her children are important to you? Seriously everyone needs to think ... get your own family, have your own children. There are too many "victims" who have been "auntie" or "uncle" that's if the narcsasists and their children can be bothered to pay the aunt and uncle the respect of giving them these titles.
@@user-oo7kg9ew8s my sister is real big on guilt trips. Wont work on me. I can see her adult kids if I want.
It’s always all good while you’re taking it and not calling out the unfair treatment, but once you do, buckle up! It gets worse until you leave.
What unites the ones who exclude the scapegoat is their inability for unconditional love and compassion. They can't even love each other; there is no love, but rather a kind of echo chamber where they provide mutual validation and help each other to control the narrative in external relationships. Because they are internally empty, their self-image depends solely on how others perceive them, and for that, they need a contrasting figure, which is always the authentic person in the family.
In my 60s I am finally allowing my grief, from realising that I have never had family support, including and especially not as a child, rather the opposite. They have been the very people I needed protection from and now that I realise this I allow the grief and the healing and provide myself with that protection I carelessly gave to them.
Thank you for this.
Terrible wake-up situation, could be worse you could be one if them looking to bash one of us!
I’m so happy for you. I’m going through the same and I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
i am having same experience
63 years old
hang in there
god bless
Same here. I'm 62 and just realizing I was just supply for them. Now that I have a multitude of health issues and literally beg for support! They have nothing to give back, but they're so passed off now becuase I'm so tired and drained I refuse to waste any energy on them. Now they work on tearing the support I do have away.
@@KFJam 62 Thinking on skipping Mother's day💔
Family motto 🙈
They hate it even more when you do succeed...
"protesting to much" 👏🏻 - that was beautiful. 👌🏻👍🏻
Also, branching out and creating your own family can trigger the toxic rage within the family or origin, making the new spouse (I.e., me). “I want us all to be close”
RED FLAG FOR ME! “Close” to my in laws means codependent. No thanks. Distance, even emotional distance, is key
All healthy relationships require boundaries and enough space for people to be growing while being themselves. So don't let anyone convince you and your growing family that you have to crowd into a different far more crowded set of spaces. After all, in any democratic nation why should any of us feel that we have to go back to the dark ages? You and your growing family could if you want to make whatever different color other than a red flag with a coat of arms [or whatever else you want] on it to plant on whatever property you acquire.
@@francesbernard2445 his family is Greek. That’s explanation enough 😂🤣😂
Being close to my in laws also meant taking on their burdens and I refuse to carry that for them anymore. It’s broken me down emotionally and now I feel the physical pains of it. Distance is key.
@@daniellecoyle4967 I know this comment is a year old, but it reminds me of my narcissistic ex and his family. They are also Greek, and excused their toxicity via culture. They also expected me to be codependent, so naturally when I refused I became enemy number 1🫤. So thankful to be out of that relationship.
An adopted guy here and you just described my entire immediate family, everything was conditional and based in fear, my sister perpetuates this madness even after their deaths...Colorado was not far away enough.
The gaslighting from the non-toxic family members hurts even worse.
I fought for years with guilt and a sense of loyalty to my family until I was told , "your family are those that care about your well-being". That stuck and made it much easier to go no contact; coupled with the fact that I was simply tired of being the target of abuse, betrayal, unwarranted blame, and their desire to see me destroyed. My family is notorious with the phrase, "well, that was in the past" --- while soon MORE of the same happened again. Being in the same State was simply too close. They always popped up no matter where I moved; they'd find me just to disrupt and harm again.
People who really love you want the best for you. Real love doesn't exist in a narcissistic relationship.
@@realhealing7802 Narcs are Oscar-worthy actors when it comes to love.
Just curious: how many states did you have to move away from them before they left you alone?
@@klee_of_c8082 just do what you have to do for no contact. The contact distance depends on how much effort the narc is willing to do
@@lovelyrose2741 - Thank you for that 👍
Spot on. I finally got the courage to leave my family at 56 years. Been a year of no contact. It was actually, sadly, easier than I thought it would be as no one even made any effort to maintain our decades long relationship. But no surprise because I always suspected the lack of true intimacy since I was a small child.
But I am glad. I am learning to communicate with others in a much healthier way and recognize who truly values relationships with people, instead of draining my energy laboring under a misapprehension that somehow it was my responsibility to make them care.
wow- Same situation here. Radical acceptance is so hard but worth it.
My story exactly!,, I’m also 56 ,,
Five years feels five times better!
I can't wait for twenty!!!!!
Especially after 54 one-way years.
Rock on with your bad self, Gertrude!
👍😎
Very well said!
It was hard for me to leave because of a family member I knew wouldn't keep in touch with me when I walked away from the narcissist. The narcissist did bad talk me, but didn't try to win me back. I guess she used me up and was done with me. I see this as a good thing!
i grew up with a narcissistic mom and sisters who never had my back. I was bullied by them. neighbors and classmates, but nobody came to my rescue. Last year, after being advised by my husband to resort to gray rocking my sisters/ this was their reaction, "you do not do this to family". Another line used, "at the end of the day, we are still family". My reply, "FAMILY IS NOT ALWAYS BLOOD"/
Me too.
God bless your husband for his support.
Yes they only add insult to injury. They cursed us so others could treat us poorly also . I was so used to being treated poorly I consi it normal. U r not alone.
My family has my child and it has been devastating how they destroyed my life.
I feel you because my maternal family is also narcissistic, especially my mother and my younger sisters. My paternal family, especially my estranged father, is doing nothing to defend me.
I'm just tired of always being the sacrificial lamb for people who always seem to fare better because of my suffering. I'm 39 years old. I am completely stuck and burned out. Totally isolating myself.
The narc family will use and abuse you until you wake up and realize that you need your own life....instead of making your life all about THEM. I've had to realize this the hard way. Now, all I want to do is be ALONE. No family, and no one around me. My solace is now my peace.
True.
Doctor Ramani WILL get 1,000,000 subscribers. She might be the first doctor to do it. Let's go!
I already "hit subscribe"👏👏👏👏👏💖🤗
.NM died. I had complete relief. I was no contact for years.
Slowly grief took over.
Grief for what NM did to Me.
Grief, I never had a childhood.
Grief, NM never knew Me.
Grief, that NM hated Me.
Guess what, I'm okay and on my way.
Anyone can make a child... Few are worthy.
❤️
I can relate to this. So happy for you that you are ok and on your way. My NM is still alive and Ive been NC for one year and its a relief but as you noted, its not complete relief.
NC with NF since I was 16. NC with NB, as I was discarded (likely because I married a supportive spouse), about 9 years ago. My day to day life goes so much smoother now. But I sometimes ruminate on the ‘what if’ I had a healthy F and B. - That is by far the worst part, wondering, what would it be like to have that unconditional love and support. I’ll never know, but I try to make the best of what I have. I’m sorry about the grieving process hit you all at once. I hope it is healing for you Mary, and I hope you find ways to ensure you feel deserving of healthy relationships and good things now and always.
I can relate
I had NO sadness when my parents passed. Just relief actually. But …
I still feels disappointment for my childhood who could of been SO much better. I still feel bad to have been rejected as an adult.
Me too, I am on my way.
I love the reframe of “Healthy and authentic relationships are thicker than (toxic) blood.” Thank you!
My family member says “family helps each other” but help means gives money at all costs and no matter how you’re being treated
This is dead on!!! Thank you for this video, I cut ties with my narc mother and of course that meant being disowned from my family. I can’t tell you how many times I heard this saying. It’s a manipulation tactic that’s used over and over, sadly we’ve been convinced that we need to endure abuse simply because it’s family. No!! You can walk away and end generational curses. You have the power to change your life!! Thank you, such a powerful message 🙌🏻
This is why I admire smaller families that do their own thing or families that branch off. Toxic aunts uncles cousins nephews nieces no thanks
Well if not for grandparents and some kind aunts in my large extended family I wouldn't have survived infancy, or the abuse of childhood. They were people I could go to since the core family blamed me for everything and the family flying monkeys of my mother added to it. My grandfather's 2nd wife stepped up to the clan and pointed out what they were doing to me. So I think small isolated families can be dangerous to child development.
Branch off and see how peaceful life becomes;)✨❤️
Ensured my children didn't mix with the toxic blood till they could judge for themselves Praise God they are beautiful human beings and want nothing to do with the jealous vampires. Praise the Lord Jesus for my journey and no guilt 🎉
@@joywebster2678 I agree with this 100%. Toxics and Narcs isolate under the guise of "protecting" their kids. I have a sibling who operates this way. EVERYONE ELSE is crazy and dumb.
So…I can be admired for breaking off? It is so hard! Hovering, blame, fake welcomes and hugs - ugh!
NAILED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been saying this for years but people still think it's sad that I don't talk to my family especially the person labeled my father. But I keep saying it's not sad at all. It's only sad if I am angry, bitter etc. now that would be very sad. But after going through my pain I am at piece with my decision and I wish I had done it sooner as life is so much better now.
I lost a really close friend many years ago and after a couple of months or so I was still struggling with my grief. My mum said something like 'she was only a friend, she wasn't family', totally minimising my loss... ☹️
So sorry for your loss. My mother would tell me the hurtful words came from another relative’s mouth. When my dear friend and mentor was kidnapped and murdered, mom commented, “Aunt So-and-So said, well no one ever promised C a rose garden.” It took me years to realize that these awful comments weren’t coming from other people.
How cold..I'm sorry 😢 They continually minimize you. Awful.
Yes, the grief of realizing you never experienced "real love" in your family of origin is profound. As a 60 year old woman I've experienced that sense of loss at my core. What I have done to heal is create a life I love that suits me and supports my authentic self. I give myself the things I needed as a child and young adult. I practice staying aware of my self-talk and practice self-kindness, gentleness, acceptance and compassion. I set boundaries when I need to and stand up for myself. After cutting ties with siblings a few years ago, the new people who I have chosen to build relationships are healthy, loving, and light. There are no expectations or guilt trips. We have mutual regard and respect for eachother. There is compassion and kindness and freedom to be ourselves. What I realized is removing the old unhealthy elements allow room for better things to come into my life. I am also 100% committed to stopping the cycle. I also sought therapy recently to help let go of this residual anger that was lingering for me. I feel so much better! But holy shit this has been hard work! Totally worth it!!
I started this journey last year. I agree it is really hard work, very painful but I am already beginning to feel the peace that comes with it.
At 57 alone after no contact with family of alcoholic narcs
realisation descends
the only being ever loved me
my precious granddaughter
abused into severe isolation
I trust our love I have nearly 7 yrs of our time spent
we didn't waste a moment of it
magic moments
💪💪💪💪💪💪
Its so hard to see this kind of family as narcissist from the inside. Awful. I'm 44 and am only seeing this now. You love us more than they do, Dr.
In reference to my toxic brother, I was repeatedly and by several people told "He's family" as though I had no choice in the matter. I'm glad that deep down inside I knew better and that I was decisive enough to go no contact.
As if to say, "He's important and you're not".
Going no contact altogether has its drawbacks too. Why? There is good reason for the old saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer [So they don't get to do lots wrong against you or towards those you love who don't live with you behind your back]."
"He's family" = suck it up because "family" will do nothing for you.
Blood is thicker than water, with my immediate family "was a dagger in my back". Family scapegoat here.
Me too. Twice!
I was the scapegoat and they were my mortal enemies.
Literally everything. My mom's favorite line when I try to establish boundaries, create some distance, have a romantic relationship: " You're so negative! Why don't you go to HIS house then?! Huh? What's he doing? Bet you don't talk to him like that. He'd leave you. "
Of course the whole, " you don't say no to family. "
Constant gaslighting. Absolutely the unwavering loyalty is only a one way street. I see my friends and relationships more as family. Whenever I accomplish anything, somehow my mom makes it about herself. I deal with feeling stuck, controlled, stunted and I have to fend for myself. I want so badly to move out (for the millionth time) and stay gone and ultimately go no contact. I could go on and on. Thank you for another validating video! ❤
I’ve been watching dr ramani’s videos for a few years & since I’ve been estranged from my family for almost a year, what she says finally feels tangible rather than a distant goal. I love her!!
Thank you for making this video. My narcissistic family will constantly tell me I'm a victim and I need to grow up. I am the scapegoat of the family and I'm hoping I can break away from them so I can begin to heal
Same! Or that I’m “sitting around trying to look for something to be sad about”
I can def relate
If blood was thicker than water, why was it that my family of origin was making me anemic?
Narcissists are dangerous, liars. Specially mothers are afraid of loosing this guy. Whoever he is.
Good point!😅
😂😂😂
Well put. That blood makes me pale and sick, containing persistent toxins. I order a glass of water!
My narc brother thought he could take over my life after our parents died. I gave him his walking papers 9 years ago. Even so, it's taken a lot of effort to grow and get past issues. Not talking to myself the way my dad used to talk to me was one of the biggest.
Talking to ourselves the way they did is a huge hurdle to get over. It's imprinted on us and you have to make scripts, or what some call affirmations so that we get used to hearing different words. Covid hasn't helped any!
I spent my entire childhood being told that I "was either with us or against us." Every time I had an interest or an ambition outside of what they wanted, I was accused of abandoning or betraying them. It was always black and white. That was how they kept me imprisoned for years.
Sounds like my mother. Fucking insane!
I hope you are okay now? How you managed to espace and rebuild your life?
@@petrapavlovic7856 I am infinitely better now. In my 20s I was being blackmailed into making a bad career and life decision, and I decided enough was enough--I had worked too hard to lose my opportunity. So I refused to cave in and change my decision, so my narcissistic parent and sibling dropped me. I've never been more myself since I stopped talking to them.
I am so glad and happy for you! Thank you for your time to answer!
This gives me hope and I am sure I will also feel much better over time :)
@@petrapavlovic7856 I really hope you do. :)
There came a time in my life when I said, “My family will not give me respect or honor me as a person.” There is no value in being mad, I just set up boundaries so their attitudes affected me less.
👏🏼💯
I remember my aunt told me one time, 'we are all we got!' I told her, 'no, you are not all I have!' 😊
I Googled the FULL QUOTE. Apparently, it goes like this: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” "The blood of the covenant" was a reference to soldiers creating stronger bonds during battle. Meaning, the relationships that you CHOSE are more meaningful than familial ties. Totally the opposite of what people think of when they hear the shorter version of the quote. (0_0)
True
wow..so it actually is what it is 👍🌻😁
👍
😮😮😮😮😮😮😢😢😢
💯💯
“You don’t know what love and family is” said my mother in law all because I refuse to be her scapegoat, refuse to have her project onto me, refuse to indulge her in her codependency issues, refuse to lie for her, refuse to gossip with her, refuse to let her meddle and belittle me, refuse to let her body shame me. I cut her off 4-5 years ago. She wants to reconcile now but I have a feeling she wants me back only to pick on me more. This is crippling.
Stay no contact and save your sanity... Reconnecting will only set you back. Foster healthy boundaries and have compassion for yourself.
Yes, my sister wanted to reconcile shortly after Covid started.
I figure Covid must have cut off some of her usual supply, so she was reaching out.
Don’t let her back into your life. And they get worse as they get older.
Go with that feeling your gut instinct
Trust your self
the body never lies
Listen and be mindful how you are feeling body wise
narscisists never let go hun
Only look back to see how far you've come
Freedom is your guiding light
Peace out Sorayax
In those 4-5 years, did your mother-in-law go to therapy and admit that she was a narcissist, then do the work and come out the other side?
If not, then stay away.
I did not know the meaning of this proverb. There is a phrase that also applies to family dynamics in narcissism "Street angel, house devil" or is Spanish "candil de la calle, oscuridad de la casa". Always something to learn with your videos. Thank you so very much❤
Narcissists are so nice in public but evil at home.
Uf si.
Emotions which are instilled in us early on in childhood is the weapon abusive families use to reel you back into the fold so they can keep abusing you, while claiming that they love you. Working on those emotions and reisisting the discomfort they create can break that cycle and finally set you free.
I needed to hear this. My narcissistic mother is ALWAYS badmouthing the people who don't back her up in gaslighting me, and those who ACTUALLY have my back. It's so sad, because there's no more obvious way to show me that she REALLY doesn't care about me at all.
This video is the one that means the most to me! This explains my life completely. Thank you for this! I needed this more than you will ever know.
Best decision I ever made was to set and hold firm boundaries. When those boundaries were violated I separated myself from the person doing it. Now I see even more clearly how much I’m used and abused mentally/emotionally to get what they want when they want it.
I accept that I didn’t get a cookie cutter family/childhood but I am proud of who I am and especially who I have become recently by standing up for myself. I feel like I am finally living for me.❤️
same here
You inspire me Amanda!
Same here , I don't miss the toxicity of my.mum , sister's and brother. I am doing me .
Cheers & Applause!
Same here! Finally learning my sense of agency and self that was robbed of me as a child, and setting boundaries is so vital. Good luck in your journey, great job so far!!
I'm just here to chime in with chorus of people going "so, I see you've met my family" LOL. Sometimes Dr. R gets it so on the nose it's downright eerie. You're da bomb, Dr. Ramani! Thanks for allowing us to feel seen and providing actionable steps/great advice. :)
I think the family I gave here is quite large and loving actually!
So right!
Question for my Ramani peeps:
If your family currently holds a grudge against you for crap they did *TO* you, why in actual Hell are you the only party in that equation that feels bad about it?
(Read that again)
LEAVE and bring your Love, morals, loyalty, and awesome talents to those of us that want to *share* a life with you.
Y'all have a great weekend!
👍😎
Perfectly said!!
My family ignored and abused me all my life and now when im putting myself together they call me selfish. Never a call or a gift on any of my bdays but i have to be there for them or im not a good person, when they are the older siblings
@@Canaday291
Thanks 🙂
I saw a meme that was close to that, and thought, "OMG, that's my narc family experience!"
Orig. quote:
"I got people holding grudges against me for s$&# they *DID* to me!"
😁🙃🤣😆
@@usernameluis305
Yes, our self-care is slandered as egotism.
The irony...
(Uggggh)
Yep mines done the same to me. It's always been the same old shit for them to blame me for their problems and what they did. And get this guys they even blamed me for what the dog did. It was a little male unneutered poodle kissing on my grandmother's couch all the time and he was doing it long before I moved in but I was accused of having sex with a boyfriend I had then and that was their reason why the dogs was kissing on the couch. Now how fucking stupid was that!!!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system. I remember venting to my brother one day about how horribly my mom has treated me and treats me nowadays. His response was anything that she does to me is my fault because I didn’t set proper boundaries. He’s not admitting to any fault of hers. It’s not that what she does is inappropriate, it’s not that I’ve tried to set boundaries and she totally disregards them and disrespects me…once again, it’s my fault. It’s so crazy how he never says that she’s done anything wrong. No matter what, it’s my fault…even her wrong doing. This is like a father sexually abusing his daughter and telling the daughter it’s her fault she’s abused because she didn’t tell him to stop. Learning about narcissism has been the biggest relief I’ve ever experienced. After all these years, the crazy experiences I’ve had, are validated. I knew that there was a problem and I knew it wasn’t me. I couldn’t get anyone to see it or agree with it…until now. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani
This is my entire life. My mom and dad always blamed everything on me. I was hurt because the other siblings were treated like royalty. They to this day know I was treated wrong but will not confront the parents ….they still cover up parents lies. Father just died I forgave him thinking life with family would change. Nope…was told they didn’t need my help…never asked me to even be part of funeral other than show up! So I’m still all alone….am I just too soft hearted? Am I wrong for wanting a relationship with my family, Am I wrong for walking away? Am I wrong for expecting things to change? My entire 60 years I felt like a failure, never wanted, never told good job when I created my own business. Nothing….silence because I walked away and said enough is enough.
I always get a lot out of your videos. You are a wise lady. You understand a very complex pattern of mistreatment many of us had from our Narcistic family. My parents seem to think mistreating their kids was something they were entitled to do because they were our parents. It is so hard to grow up in a family where you never felt valued or loved. You videos helps us feel like someone who is smart understands.
I feel the same
The first people to treat me with genuine respect were officers and NCO’s in the Army. I gave 100% there and they gave back even more. My father was a retired master sergeant. After joining I was an E4 in five months and an acting sergeant in eight. I was very proud of myself because I wanted was to be just like him. I wrote home and told him and he ignored me. All I can figure is that I threatened the hell out of him by succeeding so fast. When I called and said why no acknowledgement he did say good job and wrote me a letter. In it he said I was no. one to him. Of course I called hurt and he told me no. with a period is an old abbreviation for the word “number” ... he was saying I was number one to him. Later I went to Vietnam and served in a rear area where I ended up as television news anchor in Saigon as an E5 and announced the end of the Vietnam War. I was decorated twice for rear area service. I was decorated again at Fort Sam Houston for service, all this in three years. Never was there an acknowledgment from either parent that I had become not just a good, but a responsible, even admirable adult. I now have a PhD in psychology.I thank the Army for being a better mother and father to me than my own parents were. I will always thank the Army for treating me like a human being. My parents fucked up by not realizing what a good person I was and am.
Often these same parents brag about your accomplishments to their contacts as if they did them, but you hear nothing unless that 3rd party mentions it. Thank you for your service and stellar growth and achievements.
First thank you for your service. But second, they mistreated you because they DID recognize your decency (and realized it eclipsed theirs). Mine kept me playing a rigged game for approval I’d never get also. Your dad didn’t even get as far as clueing-in (or caring) that you’d followed his lead because you admired and wanted to please him because he was too busy needing to be the only one in the military (and definitely the only one receiving recognition there). You did WAY worse than threaten him, you outshone the master (which my guess is he couldn’t fathom you even considering, because the love you owe him is some kind of irrational clairvoyant servitude).
Doing well at the narcissist’s “thing” is a super big no-no. I always think successful entertainers who say they don’t want their children in “ the industry“ because it’s whatever actually just don’t want that kid stepping into “their” spotlight. Very irrational to think what one person “gets” has anything to do with what another person “gets” outside of a real contest, and narcissistic greed is definitely irrational. Maybe if not for the military getting you away…..all I know is if it hadn’t been for jrotc in military school IDK where I’d have picked up any inkling of integrity - because they sure as hell weren’t teaching it at home. And when I came back they took credit for any of my good shit they couldn’t destroy (and blame me for). You figured out how to punk one of these mofos! So high five to you for that.
I'd only to close my home's door behind me.... Unfortunately that lead to an unwarranted bad reputation..... So what, a girl's gotta get attention somewhere!
@@joywebster2678 that's what I got that she always spoke well about me, it was the furthest thing from my mind, I was also told I sounded so much like her, pls, the other way around perhaps!
@@joywebster2678 I think that kind of gushing is usually over the golden child but I definitely caught wind of some of that happening a couple of times as well. However there was also somebody at his funeral who told me they didn’t know he had “another” son (referring to me as they shook my hand). Very easy to get scapegoated when you’re the eldest because you’re the old news with the longest memory of their bullshit. A father who thinks there’s no better name to give a kid than his own (or a soon-to-be first ex-wife who pulls a surprise pregnancy at the tail end of a marriage naming the kid after his father as in my case) is definitely saying something.
After he died I bought some tumblers just you know household stuff and they offered monogramming which is something I never do or even want (wonder why, I don’t even have my own name). I have some hand-me-downs with HIS monogram (not a complaint, just reiterating we have the same initials) so I probably think monogramming’s gross for that reason but I think it’s also generally pretty cheesy otherwise. So it was kinda not the catharsis I thought it would be to order them monogrammed using my nickname and skipping my middle name (so BG instead of REG) as much as I enjoyed hearing him in my imagination tell me how I ruined those cups with my stupid toy monogram.
My brother (nine years younger, half brother) who didn’t even stick around by his deathbed until he drew his last breath, on the other hand, could do no wrong. If that’s who he wanted for a favorite they certainly deserved one another. He even tried to declare our dad non compos mentis two months after he wrote a will favoring my brother which I could tell from the execution date was a couple of months after I refused to pretend like nothing happened after he said something beyond outrageously horrible and not even true (“you can live with aids but it’s expensive and you don’t have that kind of money only I have that kind of money“ and “when have you ever had a winning streak“) as a way to bait my brother in to pay attention to him and retaliate for me “abandoning” him. 22 pages of nastiness declaring me an infertile godless eunuch and my brother basically the second coming. I mean if you have more than five pages who are you Jay Z Bill Gates or who? Only house I’ve ever heard of taking longer to sell than Eddieland was Neverland, which is why I call that ridiculous unhappy place that. He went where he could be a big fish in a small pond and built a monument to himself that looks so out of place (Suburbaterranean stucco w clay roof out where everything looks like W’s place in Crawford with limestone facades and metal roofs). Another narcissist wants to build his own monument unless he can make someone else’s his amazing deal, which is what happened and that’s fine it was his. The money doesn’t matter; it’s being treated differently that does.
He was such a tool. The blowjob log (“guestbook”) he left behind explained who had needed to get himself checked for HIV... so he was projecting and I know that’s the way he thought he was supposed to talk to me about it if I actually had been sick because he accused me of getting an injury I do have by going to a quack doctor. Waaaay different from my brother’s rotator cuff and carpal tunnel. Sent him a picture of another injury one time and he told me not to send him pictures like that. It was a picture of my face. So maybe it’s not a walk in the park for goldens, but they were at least allowed to win those few rounds that ever went to anyone other than the HNIC. Yup, Narcissist is my N-word
This resonates with me big time. One of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking "my family will always be there just in case" but they never were, I never truly had the support system I thought I had. I've been beating myself up for coming back here when the going got tough. I have an uncle who has been mocking, belittling and twisting my words to paint me as a bad person since before I could walk, I'm just now realizing it in my 30s. He told me about two years ago that he had a dream that I died as a baby and he had to burn my corpse, I brushed it off as just a dream, but now that I understand narcissism better I see it for what it really is, a disdain for me. A chance to get out of here once and for all is coming, it has to work out for me.
Best of luck!
I can relate to your story...my uncle used the mental health card against me when I confronted him for being inconsiderate, dismissive, and not listening to my side of the story. I just responded that he was passive and weak.
My sister got in a really bad car accident she was the baby and the apple of my dad's eye. She almost died she is to this day severely handicapped. My dad told me one day at the hospital . well it could have been you.. and I really read that as ...it should have been you. I had always felt his disdain for me. Thank God for my saint of a mother...she encouraged me and praised me and helped me mentally and emotionally and physically ...protected me from his flat out meanness.
...Hoping that one day if I really needed them they would be there... It was worse than I thought and I will never regret not going back or even looking back. My life has more peace now that I found Dr Ramani.
@@maryjankowski9032 I’m really glad you had a mother to support you that way. Car accidents can be so scary and serious, and it’s sad that it happened to your sister, it’s terrible about your dad, parents can really mess you up, but it’s good that your intuition picked up on what he really meant, the sooner we can learn the better.
Oh my Dr. Ramani, you're describing my sisters behavour to a tee. Ever since my childhood, they put me up on a pedestal to only knock me down hard in my adult life. I made a mistake and they found their power against me to kick me hard while I was down. I had to walk away to preserve and protect my own psyche. I'm better off!
It’s been 8 years since my family abandoned me after Mom died. It was the best thing they ever did for me
Congrats
🎉
YES!!! "Your friends are trying to move in with you", to take advantage ostensibly, every time, when my friends were better to me than my family ever was.
'they dont even like it when you succeed.' After 4 years of isolation and lonliness I have just started a new job and my toxic father belittling me n being rageful cos i didnt tell him what time..., I am 26. 'Keeping sand bags on baloons so they don't float away' ... so hard to deal with
remove yourself from any situation person etc that jeopardizes the wellbeing of you and your future children
protect and cherish your family
I was fascinated to learn that this proverb originally meant THE OPPOSITE of the modern meaning. The blood didn't refer to 'family' but to blood spilled in battle. The water (which in the modern reading is a little confusing) was actually 'birth water', i.e. family of origin. So the original meaning was: "The blood you spill in battle makes for a closer bond with your brothers in arms, than with the family you were born into" Which is actually quite comforting to those of us with difficult relationships with our birth families ☀️
Thank you for that explanation.
THIS!!!! When I learned that it gave whole new meaning and made me love it. When people missus it I just smile and agree reminding myself how to truly feel.
that is interesting. i wonder if that would feel more comforting for adopted people then. and how the saying can be reclaimed.
The full phrase goes something like "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". Kinda has the opposite meaning of "blood is thicker than water" when you think about it!
@Max P. Ooops. Thumbs down an accident. Meant to hit read more....sorry
This video hits home. I come from a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic mother. Many years ago I unconsciously started creating a second family. My three best friends are like a second mother and the sisters I never had (only child). They are the ones I go to for the good and the bad.
I always thought my mother and he sister were the only narcissists in the family but I now realise there are more and they have been manipulating me and gaslighting me for years. It helps a lot to realise I have a narcissist family. Learning what’s happening to you is freeing.
Thank you for this. My friends and I have what we call our "chosen family". My biological family is always astounded when I say I prioritize people who don't invalidate and judge me. It's like they can't wrap their heads around the reality that when you denigrate someone they're less likely to spend time with you. The problem is while I have a very toxic family system on one side, there are individuals who are the exception and who I do feel guilty leaving behind. My compromise has been to have a healthy distance and visit only once or twice a year. Even that though can be so draining and exhausting.
I feel like I've been trying to put a 5,000 piece puzzle for a very long time, trying to make sense of so, so much. Thank you Dr. Ramani for handing me the top of the puzzle box. It all makes sense now and the pieces are finally falling into place!
I find the full phrase to be more validating. The blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb. Meaning platonic relationships can have more healing potential.
GM Dr Ramani, I now have my special needs sister living with me. I’m witnessing serious NARC withdrawals and is breaking my heart.
Save your energy for you and your sis! Stay healthy yourself, they don't have it in them to give, it's like we're (we're not really) asking too much of them.
Try to see them as your favorite dumb animals and watch the phone sugar, if it's important they'll leave a message, mine would give an incredible amount of 'Call me back' but wouldn't take the time to listen to my replies seriously only wanting to hear their own voice, others wouldn't leave a message but just an annoying time consuming click! Malignant mom bought me a cell to peg me down better, I'd often shut it off pleading batt wear, that drove her nuts, 🐀 rat's ass, be thankful for yourself, you're the best you'll ever get! Later on when their karma kicks in be as uninvolved/helpful as they were as they've set the pattern and you've learned by their examples!
Hang in there it will get a little easier 😇just love yourself and your sister and keep moving forward 😇
I married into a Narcissistic Family Cult & combined with my husband’s Mexican culture & the macho hierarchy within the community & family structures I the daughter-in-law instantly became the scapegoat & endless & relentless criticism from his family & the head narcissist mother when she was alive for the entire 25 years of my marriage intentionally made herself feel entitled to meddle in our lives & caused so many problems, his siblings are very conniving & constantly sabotaging & conspiring against one another in one way or another. The lies & deception they can construct is truly astounding.
I am thankful & grateful for all the information I have learned about in able to understand what the heck was going on & happening with the family dynamics, because you see it, you know it & living in it but you get gaslighted by them to make you believe you’re the crazy one & now I am validated & informed there’s no way they can gaslight me ever again. Knowledge is power!
Completely cutting off my family saved my life. I was so beaten down by them I was ready to end my life. I got therapy and am finally beginning to heal.
Good for you!👏
I did the same, and now I am working on keeping the door closed and the trauma bond it caused. The loneliness can trick you into thinking you need them again.
I never knew what Narcissm was until my family came to my rescue after the sudden death of my husband. They were wonderful until I realized something was "off." They told me how to grieve, deciding to push me through the grieving process & everything I was supposed to do. According to them I had no say nor the sense to figure out anything without their approval. Soon, they were not happy if I did not see things their way. Thank goodness my grief counselor asked the simple question "Why did I think they had done this or not done that?"They were making themselves look good. Had nothing to do with me, all about them. I have done everything from grey rock to no contact. Why do they still live in my head? I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. Blood betrayal is the absolute worse. Blood lines mean nothing to me.✌️
“Blood is thicker than water,” was and still is a mantra in my family. This saying fostered my inability to connect with friends and to view them as fleeting and untrustworthy. I DESPISE this saying. I’m so grateful that you brought this up. Thank you so much.
I knew something was wrong when I stopped feeling connected to my biological family. Most visits home were like going to see strangers. No cultivation with relationships mainly because the desire to be around each other was not and still isn't there. Being the youngest I feel more liberated being away from my family. I think we're all meant to find out where we fit in. I'm still on my journey of self-realization working towards (actualization)
Family becomes a group of familiar strangers.
I moved 4,000 miles away & let me tell you it helps a lot & I mean a lot so don’t think moving away doesn’t help.
We have only been home to visit 2 times in over 12 years.
"We'll always be there for you (to abuse you)."