Feeling ABANDONED by your non-narcissistic parent
Вставка
- Опубліковано 29 бер 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - Розваги
But, isn't that non-narcissistic parent the enabler? Who never speaks up for the child?!
yeah. in some way, they're enabler.
Of course they are. But they're trying to avoid conflict not to harm children, even when the results are quite the opposite
Not always
In my case one was an overt and one was covert. Then the golden child evolved into an overt narcissist and married a covert narcissist. I walked away on all of them January 13 and have not looked back. I miss the dog though!
@@christopherzorobautista5730 I love dogs and cats too koeople ? Not so much.
My non-narcissistic parent was in a dissociative state for most of his life.
It’s the only explanation
mine too, floating somewhere, but not there, poor her, it was hell
Same. Still is
I was stunned when mom turned on me until I figured out she's a covert narc. Now it all makes sense.
I was blessed with one grandiose and one covert parent.
I did not figure out the covert one until I was 40. Unfortunately , I was elucidated by by covert wife, as she criticized my mother an pointed out the specifics to me, while not realizing that she did the same things (and was completely oblivious to herself, while condemning others) .
I wish i could go back to not knowing 😭
Me too!
Me too
My mother was the non narcissist parent. She did the best she could. My father died 11 years ago and my mother thrived without his controlling and critical personality around. She actually apologized for their parenting but it was 95% his fault. I cherish everyday I have with her. She’s the reason I kept my sanity. I think the non narcissistic parent needs compassion as they are trying to survive too. ❤
This. This was my grandmother. When my grandpa died, she mourned. But she thrived afterwards. And I got to see her so much more. 😭 My dad always said he wishes she would have left. Her daughter (my aunt) eventually went no-contact with our entire family and left during the funeral. It breaks my heart. I’m considering leaving my narc husband to protect our child from growing up in a toxic home. I often wonder what my grandma would think. 🤍
@@Mama.bear. aww, I know the feeling in regards to your gma. My gma took care of me when I was little after she left my narc grandfather (may they both RIP). On another note, I was married to an abusive narc (in ALL the ways) 30 years ago and I did it to protect my children too. I think your gma would support you in leaving your narc as well, esp with all that's being taught now about narcissism nowadays. They didn't have a voice back then at all; women that is!
@@rhwhitmore2001 Thank you for your response. 🤍
Yes
And for those that left the narcissistic partner to be fully present with their children. Good work, your child thanks you and loves you x
Wish my mom had been brave enough to save us 😢
Bless you I receive that. They destroyed my mom too young, I got out with the little one - thanks to narc abuse awareness 🙏🏻🥲🕊
In the U.S. family court system you never truly get away. But I suppose halfway gone is better than not at all.
Thank you. I left my abusive narc 30 years ago to protect my children and I'm so glad I did cause it was getting bad.
My mom died years to early last month, after finally leaving my narcissistic dad after 43 years of marriage. I took the chance to talk about it all in her last days and she kept saying that she regrets not leaving years and years earlier.
At least she got to live life like this and it brought her so much more than what she got in the last 20 years with my dad... ❤
All these years I felt so alone. It was an exhausting journey. A few months ago I woke up one morning and thought: I am not alone. I had realized that there are many other narc-survivors. For the first time I felt understood. I don‘t have to share my story or talk to anyone. I just know that others are out there who know what it‘s like. I have both experiences, malignant narcissistic father and being the non-narc parent. Years of healing and working on myself. At some point I believe my life has to offer me something else but narcissistic relationships… ❤
Please more videos on narcissistic parents. The spouse videos are good, but more on parents please.
Check out Patrick Teahan, he has lots of parent videos.
yes I agree
I agree! 🙏🏼
yeah this... it's been nearly 20 years since all three children suddenly started ghosting me, about a year after I divorced their toxic mom. I finally have some more insight now, if not closure, as to why they essentially abandoned me all these years, even to this day. you are so right, I was so overwhelmed with her toxicity that I *couldn't have given them the devotion & love they needed & I *wanted to give. I regularly reach out, tomorrow I am apologizing, perhaps for the first time, in my healing I always felt 'all things considered I did the best I could, I loved /love them so very much' that I don't think I could have apologized, but now I can & will. ✌️💚
Maybe send them this video. Hopefully it will help.
Apologize.
It's never too late, especially for a child with a narcissist parent. ❤
Yup... this is my enabler dad. He kept defending my mom's abuse - after she drained their money, cheated on him multiple times, watched her hurt me and my sister, he still made excuses for and blindly stood by my mom after EVERYTHING she did to him and to us. I would actually pray for my parents to break up so we could get away from her, but he was her ride-or-die. My dad and I got along great when she wasn't there, we would watch Monty Python and listen to jazz records, but when she was around, it was a nightmare. He eventually stopped listening to his favorite music and watching his favorite shows in favor of making her happy. There's a lot of grief there, especially after my dad passed away in August 2022. A huge mix of grief and anger. I know it wasn't my fault and it says more about HIS trauma and HIS mental state but god it hurts. He never said he was sorry, and the chance for us to possibly heal from what she did to us is gone. After he and my sister passed, and after going no contact with my mom, it's just me left to clean up the mess.
I completely understand…my dad enabled my mom…when we have shared some of the things our mom did, he responds, “where was I? “
He was in the tiny house in a room downstairs meditating or resting, or sleeping…not sure how he never heard…according to Dr. Ramani, it could be because of the trauma bond.
Grief and anger and love, so many intense feelings and emotions.
I’m just now starting to learn some of the patterns learned that now sabotage my relationships, my life, me. Sending you love and prayers that all of us know in our cells, our muscles, our dear hearts, bodys, minds, and souls that we are worthy, valuable, we matter, we are lovable and so much more exactly the way we are ❤❤
Im sorry you where collateral damage of their relationship😢
My father also, but I'm surprised how much of it he had worked out without the help of UA-cam and videos like this. It's a complex pattern and many probably thought their partner was overwhelmed, but towards the end he would say things like, your mother could make trouble in an empty house or she likes to make the ammunition and get others to fire it, or plain and simple she's a narcissist but in those days we thought of narcissists as an abnormal self love not the complex patterns as Dr Ramini explains.
"makes ammunition and get others to fire it" EXCELLENT way to put it! I've fired his ammunition many times.@@yvonne3903
💔
I refuse to accept abandonment by someone unable of even showing a morsel of true love.
I now love myself and my inner child is healing from being parented and loved by none other than ME. These lousy excuse of narcissistic selfish parents deserve nothing but complete silence on our end and a firm no contact. Never felt better. Truly. I'll hopefully live a longer life and raise healthier family values without these shameful people in my life!
My Dad. A few days after I tried to communicate something important to my mother (she had reacted very defensively) my dad came over to reprimand me for ''HURTING MUM''. I wish I could have kept my cool but i was so hurt and betrayed that I shouted at him and he didn't hear me either.
🤚 Here. Same dynamic between same respective parent.
Wow. My father did the same exact thing 2 years ago. I've lost all respect now and it's quite painful. I know your pain and I'm sorry you went through that...
He has to live with her. He enables the behavior for his own peace. You are his shield. Been there.
@@dianabailey9757 these people are beyond disgusting. My mother admitted she threw me under the abuse bus every day of my childhood because better me than her. Unforgivable.
He is the Will Smith to your mother
I feel like there's going to be 2,000 comments starting with... "my dad." 😂
It speaks volumes about how many female narcissists there are. Most of the ones in my life, including my ex wife, have been females.😢
Yep, and in the media they talk about "daddy issues" when really, it's our mothers that do the most damage.
@@bumblebee_ms Mothers who take the kids and lie to them to turn them against their dads, are creating daddy issues ! yes ! 100%.
Haha so true
Abandonment by the other parent is disastrous. They need someone they can rely on especially when they are small.
True but sometimes the narc parent is so dangerous to the child that the other parent must leave. Sometimes the courts side with the narc and force the other parent out.
Too right…….too right…..and it is something that plays on my mind every day…..I’m not sure whether I am successful…..I worry for my daughters, and people wonder why I stay with my narcissistic wife………this video is the hardest one to watch
My siblings and I have all said,"If it wasn't for Nanny and Pop 2 blocks away, we wouldn't have survived!" Our Mom was the non-narc enabler, and one day per month Narc daddy had meetings that kept him from coming home until after 9:00 PM. Those were our mom's happiest, free days, and my best memories of childhood. When he was home, it was all about him. When he retired they spent winters in FLA, far away. My mom passed almost 2 years ago, and I loved her, but I don't miss her because frankly, I lost her many, many years ago. Now Narc Daddy is worse than ever because his supply is gone. One sister kisses up to him (she always triangulated my parents) and she's got him to herself now, in a weird way. BTW, she's on her 5th divorce. My one marriage to an abusive Narc was enough for me. Thank you Dr. Ramani, a tangled web indeed.
Hope you can stay away from narc father and sister as much as possible…
Dad's narcissism drove mom into the bottle, never to be seen again. Then he turned to me for supply, transferred all his hate for my mom onto me while I stepped into the mother role and protected my little sister. As he jumps from wife to wife, I'm always held as the in-between wife - because his worst fear is being alone. Totally fine if I am alone and abandoned tho.....
As soon as my mom married my stepdad, he became her focus. She stopped being an involved mom and went along with all he said and did.
She stood by and let him emotionally abuse us. She never stood up to him. She was a good mom when we were young.
They are both psychologists.
Wow! I wasn't expecting your last sentence.
@@resilientangel5915 I’ve found that many people who become psychologists do so at least partly to understand their own issues.
My mother is a psychologist and a sociopathic, malignant narcissist. She weaponized her psychological knowledge for even more emotional abuse. My father enabled her all of the time. He just watched the abuse and not once did he step.
@@user-jp8yi4jb5uis it possible to explain this to a state board and file a complaint to have her reviewed by experts and have her licensing revoked? That’s so dangerous that she has patients.
I blamed my dad for the uncaring and negative behavior I received. Only to realize years later that while he could have done better by me, it was her triangulation of the relationships between my dad and all his children.
And the rabbit hole gets even deeper! Wow, this gets complex. And sooooooo damn familiar. So grateful this lady has the courage and clarity to bring these issues to light. I often feel some sense of relief when things start to make sense after all this time. Stable footing is so underrated.
When arguments got too ridiculous between my parents, my dad would leave the house and go for a drive. On one particularly memorable occasion when I was in kindergarten, I raced to the door behind him and begged him to please come back. He promised me he would; that he was just going out for a drive. God bless that man, who's now with the angels, because he always came back. It still brings tears to my eyes to remember that night.
This is my dad. Now that narcissistic mom is gone, my sister is trying to take the role my mom had. It’s very painful, and no matter what, our family will always be dysfunctional. I didn’t even acknowledge my sisters narcissism until my mom passed. Now I can’t unsee it 🙈
Nope. He literally abandoned me. Stuck around just long enough to check that I was born healthy and bounced, leaving me in a situation he didn't find tenable himself.
That's a good valid issue, they leave you in a situation they refuse to be in themselves. Not good enough for them, but good enough for you.
I have always felt a hole in my heart. I related to movies like Annie even though I had 2 parents. When she said nothing it felt like she agreed with him that I was a POS. The quiet betrayals add up over time.
My x sociopathic narcissist alienated our children from me. They believe his narratives and false accusations and have attached to him and reject me to uphold his encapsulated delusion and stay " loyal" to receive all the goodies and avoid his wrath and condemnation.
Sad and hard to watch!
This sadly happens.
Thank you for covering this topic. As the non-narcissistic parent in our family, I have always wondered what my role in this sick marriage has done to our kids. I've always tried to be there for my kids, but I always felt guilty for not being able to leave due to disability and lack of money. I actually became overprotective and always ran interference to protect my kids from his narcissistic rage. ❤
Thank you. I can relate!
I have a lot of anger at the non narcissistic parent, but it has more to do with their dynamics between me and the narcissistic sibling than with me and the narcissistic parent, who had almost zero interest in me anyway and basically ignored me unless they had chores for me to do.
But I feel like the non narcissistic parent enabled the sibling, and put the onus on us other kids to keep the narcissistic sibling regulated. It was so invalidating and shaming to me when they told me to ignore the narcissist and don't be so sensitive.
This only served to nurture the developing narcissim in the sibling, and push me away from them. And up until a year ago the parent was still saying things like "We always had to be careful with you, you were always so sensitive". The last time they said that, I told the parent that telling the truth and standing up for myself wasn't being too sensitive, and that when I came to them for help tthey should have protected me from the bully instead of calling me a tattle-tale and blaming me for not being able to handle it.
That's my story too 😢
My father. Emotionally checked out when I was very small & he realized what he was dealing with. It was the 70s so no one had any terms or advice. He stayed until I graduated college bc I was an only child & I realized later he probably didn't want me to be unsupervised w my malignant narc mother. Unfortunately he was totally emotionally distant which in hindsight was probably self protection. Paid bills but was physically working or out doing something else as much as possible. We had almost no relationship. I remember constantly being told, 'don't upset your mother'.
That is my mother. She's a toxic enabler for my narcissistic father.
I told my therapist the other day - I really want to just go no contact with both of them....but it's not an option, unfortunately.
I do not have the words to express my gratitude for this video and how life changing it will be to people. It explains the twisted relationships a narcissistic parent can cause perfectly. Thank you a million times for this video Dr Ramani ❤
Although I left him, we "shared custody" and he absolutely destroyed any attachment or love my daughter could have. Although I pursued understanding and recovery passionately, I didn't stand a chance. My daughter was the tool of his hate, cruelty, condemnation, and alienation.
I kept to the high road, afraid of harming her by abandoning her, despite the years of my severe health challenges and her continued abuse. She's in her thirties, and I have just recently given up. My health is very precarious, and I won't spend my last years focused on her. Can't do it anymore. I need to accept that.
THANK YOU. I so needed this. My (non-narcissistic, enabler) dad has been dead for over 20 years and it's been so hard to sort through my ambivalent feelings about loving him when he wasn't there for me either.
My dad died a couple of years ago and the only time he ever said anything about my mum was when he was (once again) trying to win me around on behalf of my mum. He suddenly yelled “Well how do you think I put up with it 24/7!!!” and suddenly I felt validated. I still feel betrayed though. My mum said recently “You should have heard what your dad used to say about you” and it’s been very very tough to be mature and not turn against him. He was a lovely man and everyone thought he was amazing but I can’t help but see him as weak. Because of all his placating she thinks she’s right and now he’s gone that can’t ever change.
The past 23 years of our lives 17+ minutes.
This was my childhood thanks doctor...it wasn't a happy time more deep loneliness
I'm sorry... I know your pain 😔
Me too
Me too. Feels like never ending grief to get over.
Wow! Taking a break from reading It’s Not You because this title drew me in in a flash! This is such a personal topic
My malignant narc mom treated enabler father as the golden child. He got brainwashed and scapegoated me, too. It's easy to abuse a kid becuase kids are so vulnerable and need protection. An adult can leave you - that would lead to abandonment and the stigma of being divorced.
Thank you for this.
My loving mother left my narcissistic father but she also abandoned her three kids. She died last year after 15 years of no contact, without ever apologizing or even acknowledging the pain she caused. The more I learn about myself and narcissism, the more I'm able to understand her and come to terms with being abandoned. Hearing you acknowledge this abandonment is so helpful, you're so amazing, Dr Ramani!
This 💯 speaks to me with both my parents. They parentified me growing up, and barely acknowledge it. There is multiple truths which they throw in my face when I bring things up, saying ‘we’ve done so much for you’, and yes but also they put their issues on me expecting me to help and it was wrong. It’s exhausting dealing with it all on my own. I don’t think it’s possible to coheal with my parents much as they don’t like acknowledging things. They may both be narcissistic in different ways. Grateful for this community. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I had a narc mom and step-dad and I felt abandoned by my dad who I went to for help. I realize now what he must have felt. It's futile to stand up to not only one narc, but two who were gaslighting, blaming me, and just blatantly making shit up to justify their actions and abuse. I always thought my dad should have had my back, but he was in a tough position. Thanks, Dr. Ramani.
My dad taught me a lot of things growing up, including not to depend on anyone but myself. The only person that will show up for me, is me.
Thank you. I was the abandoning parent, and also had an abandoning mother and narcissistic father. You described my childhood, and unfortunately also my children’s childhood and teen years. My mother was so good and kind. Shortly after her death I finally learned my husband was having multiple affairs (again) but also finally accepted he was an unfixable narcissist (one therapist said masochist, another said predator). I was surprised and guilty that feelings of anger towards my mother emerged. I finally saw the parallels between her marriage and mine. And I also realized my responsibility in putting all my energy into “saving” my hopeless marriage for 24 years while discounting the effects of this man’s manipulations on my children. I did not protect them. That was my job. I have to own my part. The divorce is final next week. Living life as a friend, sister, mother, and daughter with honesty, boundaries, and true to my values. Hoping I can demonstrate the compassion and empathy my daughters need and also model for them that people can grow (and thrive, hopefully) after difficult experiences. And just tell them often how much they matter and are loved. And of course, forgave my mother. ❤ Working on forgiveness for myself.
Boy, did you ever nail this one !
This video couldn't come at a more perfect time. I struggle so much with anger and resentment toward my enabler father. The hurt and pain I feel really does come from feeling abandoned by him when I needed him most as a child. He's more willing to hear my side now that I'm an adult, but that doesn't make him any less susceptible to fear/complacency regarding my nMom. I got your book It's Not You for my birthday and I can't wait to read it!
I also feel this way, but I realise that my dad was also her victim !
I weep for my children. Thank you for this video. Helping me find even more peace and healing. My kids were 1 1/2 and 3 when this started, are now 25 & 26. They know the truth now. Praise God. We have mended but its a lifetime process I will never give up on. #cohealing.
finding my mum dead and my father listening to my screams as he ran out of the house into his car next door two semi detached houses with a connecting and went missing for days only to try and get my mothers locks changed so i could not go back home said it was my fault he had to hear it from a coroner so why did he not investigate my screams and went on another smear campaign to destroy me had a mistress and new baby this haunts me forever the fact ive written a 600 page book explaining about this monster gives me hope that others will free themselves of these evil evil creatures
hi Im from England, thanks for replying to me, first of all let me say that I have followed you for some time and applaud you for the excellent work you have done and continue to do on this difficult topic. I think that you have explained this well, growing up with what i think was a malignant narcissitic father and a mother who was an alcoholic, who was a perfect victim for my father as my mum's alcoholisim and mental health spiralled out of control my father contributed to her downfall, although i cant blame him 100 percent as i think my father when studying her as they progressed a relationship used her problems as a weapon against her to his advantage against her My mother was neglectful to the point she enabled sexual, physical, and emotional abuse and witnessed many events that should have been reported it wasn't a family unit of comfort and happiness but a lions den of living in survival mode of terror and fear. My mother could be a very empathetic and loving person but as the years went by she became a shadow of herself, her neglect and times she could be loving reflected on my behaviour given when i became ill with a cold her warmth love and compassion made me feel loved wanted and secure but when i became well her compassion diminished wanting that warmth back i would place something hot on my forehead and told my mum i was getting sick again she said i was ok, this lead me down a dangerous path, un beknown to myself i was making myself ill and as i had developed anorexia she became that loving mother i yearned to have the more i starved the more concerned she became its a dangerous and unhealthy approach to feel love and thats why its essential parents keep themselves open and warm, as her relationship became more volatile, she took it out on me and my brother who is a narc but believe if she was an emotionally available mother he would not have gone into the grasp of my father only money didnt interest me and telling the truth always got me into trouble my brother was what can you do for me were i was what can i do for you. My father was a better catch given he had money could give him holidays a cambridge education and no narc in the making is going to be attracted to an abusive drunk. He placed properties into my mothers name so his ex couldnt claim maintenance he would leave them without electric and bought things for the next victim my mother when his ex won in court he was furious given the house was detached my father even stated that his ex wife brought his son to the courts to get pity he never saw his children again till his bank worker narc son contacted him having her insured, he would con anyone and sell his own mother for a dollar but then his childhood was not good yet we keep going in circles were does it end, i tried to break the cycle with my son yet the courts put him in the hands of an abusive malignant narc cause they think hes low spectrum sorry to break it to the judge but the spectrum goes off the chart when we get to malignant narcs and there is no mild malignant narcs we need to get professionals inbthe courts cause too many privelaged judges are arrogant and dont live in the real world its not about bruises its the psychological abuse that can do the real damage and thats were mothers who enter these relationships as they are hit with gaslighting becoming confused, its a slippery slope and the anger confusion has to go some were and thats the kids. Also these creatures with there constant cheating with women losing a baby, allowing peodophiles to work for nothing as labourers to extent the properties and turn them into businesses left my mother drained, she was distant and became psychotic, to the point she saw no way out and was going to take us out by overdosing us, when I was 17 i took my third overdose and my mum then suggested a suicide pact which we did when I call the ambulance they took her and me in i wanted to die as i thought i was the problem [scapegoat/invisible child and my mum had to be resusitated i was very ill had anorexia and been placed in a mental institution at 14 again i dont think this would have happened if my mother had escaped this monster and concentrated on herslef and her childrendespite me becoming parent and attempting to save her from constant overdoses seizures mini strokes falls and other suicide attempts my father managed to stop all of our income hes a barrister with many connections we lived in a house with ceilings falling down as he lived in luxury hes called dr michael william ramsden and states on his profile he is a human rights barrister specialises in childrens rights tenancy etc yet allows properties that are rented to have no basic gas checks allows ceiligs to crash down windows hang off and much more i have extensive evidence documents suryeors reports pictures etc tell me how a father of children rights can watch as a grown man watches his daughter been passionalty kissed on the lips at ten throws his daughter around the room gives her chinese burns and says to his brother after he beats up his workman for sexually abusing his son thanks for that im a workman down know they cant prove anything, im sorry for going on but these evil who work for the united nations continue to get away with it despite living in hurrendous conditions and putting my evidence on their forum about including stealing my inheritance so they could buy a night club im placed on probation for harrasment and a non molestation order thankyou dr ramani for getting these messages across this knightmare i feel my book could help many as i extensively explore many situations that near killed me has left me destroyed over coming managing bpd depression recovered from alcoholisim for 18 years sober with one relapse i overcome years sober reality us tough when dealing with the devil itself i cant stress enough how these people are destroying us
i also have a son and was in an abusive relationship while I was pregnant with him I told the social services growing up being abused i felt I deserved this but realised my unborn child didn't although the social services appeared to be on my side told me to leave my ex and then told him he had to leave put me in danger, he was emotionally physically sexually abusive and allowed him to come back to my home in a state without checking i was ok he put so much pressure on me to except the offer of inheritance I was suppose to have had years before shortly after I went into early labour when he went out of town to work i gave birth the baby was taken into care as i was in a mother and baby unit i was told i couldnt look after him cause i was being hounded by my ex and was smashing up my home getting rid of my rabbits and birds drinking and telling me he was going to kill himself the authorities then did a u turn and even asked my dangerous psychopathic father if he wanted to be a carer despite them having my permission and knowing he was an abuser My ex partner went for full custody, and after a lengthy case and the social worker supporting him after being against him despite findings of abuse and testing positive for drugs and alcohol although he abstained he still denied the abuse which shows he is a danger as he is not acknowledging his wrong doings he won full custody they made out i was psychotic certain things didnt happen despite video evidence even talking about my sexual abuse and mothers death they basically gaslight me and said my story was far fetched but evidence proves other wise that were not true with nothing to back it up my tests for drugs and alcohol came back clean he gained full custody was allowed to get another girlfriend im trying to be civil to keep my ex calm, im teaching my son about narcs like his father through children books etc so i dont come across as the bad guy as its not coming from me hopefully he can identify patterns and pick them up through his fathers actions ive spent a life time being the scapegoat truth teller invisible child we need to take our power back in a productive way, the system is enabling these creatures and i blame them more than the narcs as they are so unaware of their behaviour and deluded we need social workers, police, courts etc to protect us from these ungrateful, spoilt, horrors who are accustomed to getting their own way if only we had this awareness many years ago knowledge is power and im struggling to convince people of these parasites, is there anything we can do yes they will self destruct thats there nature but lets not let them take the children aswell we have something they dont strength we need to get together is there anyone who can help, sorry if it sounds a little muddled there is so much to tell and im in need of support
@UCF5CGdVeCh4pbmSV-_LYTrQ
Thank you for discussing this delicate topic dr Ramani. I can relate in so many ways. We have been talking about all those narcissistic patterns only for a couple of years now. When I was growing up forty years ago nobody had a clue about narcisism and I was raised in a family full of all kinds of narcisists, almost no healthy people at all. Healing my childhood wounds and loving my inner child has been the most important issue to address for me. Giving myself self love, compassion, patience and care were crucial to start defrosting. Thank you 🙏 dr Ramani. God bless you ❤
Feel this deeply. Same situation -- all cluster Bs, no communication, no safe people, no information on the topic, no idea what was happening other than it was bad. For decades.
I hope you are in a much better place and are able to heal from all the hurt. Internet hugs to you.
This topic cuts so deep. My dad. I felt abandoned by him a lot growing up. Only today at 40+, after many years of therapy, having my own kids and little to no contact to my narc mother I comprehend the hell and the abuse he was going through. And he stayed....for and because of us, the kids. Feels terribly painful and is one of the worst legacies of growing up with a narcissist. All those ambiguous feelings, the distance between me and my non-narcisstic dad are even worse than the actual abuse I suffered from my narcissistic mother.
Thank you so much Dr.Ramani, no one could have explained it better❤, it have cleared out all I have been through since childhood …
Thank you whole heartedly❤❤❤
Doctor Ramani, you are describing my family. My mom used to be drained out by my narcissistic father, depressed, on top of that she had a chronic cardiac condition. And I was brainwashed by my father against her. 😢Unfortunately she isn't here anymore. Only when I lost her, when I was organizing her funerals, seeing that love from other people, did I realize that she was a pure light🕯️that I've never seen. I understand her
My dad. I felt this on deeply. Thank you for putting in words what I have struggled to express.
It was only through the Healing process that this came to the forefront. Recognizing that codependent enabler behavior was an eye opener
I haven't even started watching this new video yet. But I have been going through it this weekend (and by "it," I mean narcissistic bs) so have been spending a lot of time with you in your other videos. And I have been overwhelmed with gratitude for you, Dr. Ramini--for your heart, your genius mind, and your intuition. But most of all, I have been grateful for your ability to take every aspect of this invisible reality and to give it shape, color, and form. Imagine that! An invisible reality with so many distinctive characteristics! And you translate them into ideas that can be seen, felt, and heard. This is no small feat but you do it with such remarkable precision that we cannot help but learn. We cannot help but grow. Thank you. You are a good, good, good, good, good, good person. So giving. So brilliant. So good.
TY for putting this out on Easter Weekend - I’m single, NC with immediate fam but also being ostracised by the rest of my narc family system for daring to challenge the status quo by simply refusing to be dominated, in the least confrontational way imaginable.
On a live you recently said that estrangement is usually an act of desperation, and it was such a relief to hear that when contending with the pressure to comply with this system and the feeling of being a terrible person bc they’re elderly; but also the isolation, difficulty trusting, the lack of understanding and support from general society - even when friends want to be supportive.
I found myself wanting to send some sort of greeting card bc the chronic emptiness and invalidation lends itself to “maybe I should be the bigger person bc they’re clearly not able to XYZ” but I have held off… I’m doing well, and being patient with myself and allowing myself to feel whatever comes up but not be dragged down by or back into it.
The reminder that it’s not my job to facilitate the process of regaining closeness to my enabler parent; and that it is not my duty to alleviate their guilt and shame because of my empathy for their position brings a lot of relief.
your words resonated deeply in my heart. I am in a similar situation...or at least, I will be. the process is gut wrenching. thank you for sharing your thoughts and sentiments on this platform. i feel seen and not alone!
In regards to what Dr Ramani shares, speaking to the parent, starting at 11:34. Compassion and hard truths, thank you so much for this!
As a parent, with things that happened before, all you can do is be present now. Say you're sorry for not having been there in the way your child needed and deserved. Then meet them as they are and where they are now.
Regret makes us wish for do-overs. There are no do-overs. You can't turn back the hand of time. They can't be the toddler, the young child, the teen any more unless you are fortunate to realize what's happening and capable of changing the situation, either completely or enough, while they are in those stages.
Otherwise, that time, that opportunity has passed. So, don't go into this hoping to make up for the past. You can't.
But you can be the parent they need now. Don't underestimate the importance a present you can hold in your adult child's life. You can offer the gift of healing through genuine remorse and being there now to see and hear them, to hold space.
Don't ask for forgiveness. That's saying, "I'm sorry... now can you make me feel better?"
That's a NOPE.
You can however forgive yourself, and give yourself permission to show up without attempting to overcompensate but just genuinely showing up, giving your adult children what they need now... and that may include giving them space.
Healing isn't guaranteed, but it is possible. It may happen spontaneously. It may take a long time. You may have to keep showing up as allowed and accept what they are willing to receive and give in that moment.
These are seed moments. Beautiful things can grow from them.
This hits home with me. I was raised by a narcissist mother however my concern is with my son because he is now an adult child of parental alienation as a result of what you describe here. There is so much complication -I feel so much
guilt as the non narcissistic parent for not being able to take the stand I needed to for my children to hear and know how awful it was for them especially now for my son as he still lives with his dad. I want so badly to talk with him but he won’t speak to me anymore. I was fearful to say anything that would hurt him or that would make him feel put further in the middle of this crazyness. It is my hope he would learn the truth on his own or from someone else. Thank you for at this aspect of abandonment as it is so much a part of the parental alienation. ❤
I was clueless about my covert narc husband until our daughter began cluing me in. She is the wisest person I know and she saw what I couldn't at the time.
I am deeply appreciative that Dr. Ramani is covering this subject and for all she has taught me. My mother was a narc, father a good man and good provider.
She would bad mouth constantly behind his back saying dad hated kids, he didn’t want us, blah blah blah all the negagative toxic crap she could think of to make us hate him. But instead, I always identified with my dad and felt bad for him. He never left us, he was there for us. I can’t say the same for narc mom. Dad died age 52 from stomach cancer. I only wonder how much of his illness was from having a toxic narc wife. He served in WWII and before that, he himself was a product of horrible violent childhood. RIP Dad.
I get confused by this topic. I am not sure whether I had a non-narcistic parent. My father was easily angered and abusive towards my brother. My parents fought constantly, and it was a relief when they divorced when I was in 5th grade. I spent most of year with my mother and spent most of summer vacations and holidays with my dad after the divorce. When I was with him I was also watching out for my brother, cleaning and taking care of house to keep him happy. I was put into a commnicator/mediator between both parents and between my dad and brother. My mom was workaholic and she often paid more attention to my brother and gave in to his every whim to make up for the abuse he suffered. She basically ignored me until I was out of school then suddenly tried to step in and control my life. I often see her as a communal narcissist with bragging about the sacrifice she made to raise us after the divorce and how much she contributes to her church and various church organizations. Sometimes I question whether my mom is a narcissistic or just struggling with with what she went through with my dad and being raised by my alcoholic grandfather and controlling grandmother. In some ways I felt abandoned by both parents as a child and my mother's pawn as an adult. Future faking and gaslighting were two tactics she was great at. I some how idolized my dad as an adult, even though I remembered and was a witness to the abuse of my brother. It wasn't until after his death in 2015 that I realized how he parentified me after the divorce with using me like a housewife, a caretaker for my brother as a child, his counselor, mediator with both my mom and brother as an adult. So overall I don't think I had a non-narcistic parent.
I don’t believe there’s any such thing as a “non narcissistic parent “. They aren’t paired for no reason. The mechanism may differ but they are the same.
I don’t think so. From my experience my mum is the non narcissistic parent and my dad narcissistic, my mum grew up with a narcissistic mother. I think we tend to find what is familiar it’s all we know.
I agree🎉
Yes exacly!
Both guilty.
They feed of each other both are in for personal gain.non narc.....no.
One to destroy.
One to not feel empty.or some twisted reason alike.
I remember as a teen, a friend told someone at the school about my abusive home situation and I was questioned at school.. my non-narcissistic parent told me if the authorities took my younger brother and I away from her- if our family got separated, that it'd be my fault.
That was a lot for me to take in as a teen..I now realize she said that from a place of fear, but it definitely emphasized a feeling of being abandoned.
Same situation from me. My dad was the primary driver & daily on the way to school, he set up the day by verbally, physically and emotionally abusing me (us). I almost snapped and went to the guidance office for relief. Surprisingly, CPS was called & visited our home. My dad ramped up his rage & toxicity afterwards....back then i had wished my mom was tough enough to leave dad, yet now with a toxic, narcissistic spouse, I see how unaware & unable she was to help her self & us children. I'm in a much better position that she was in & gotta break away & heal.
My mom was the non-narcissistic parent. She would have us hide whenever dad was home. She turned to alcohol and I became the mother. My little sisters were my responsibility. Now that I'm trying to leave my own narcissist relationship and learning and working through it, I need to talk to my mom. But she's gone. She passed away several years ago. I don't know what to do with that.
This is tough. As this parent myself it’s haunting and hard. And yes all these challenges apply.
Thank you for uncovering this. I have extreme guilt over letting my young children down by not being “available “. They are grown now. It seemed like an impossible situation at the time. 💔
I just sent this to one of my daughters. My ex husband and her father is/was a malignant narcissist and it nearly killed me.
We all lost so much.
Thank you so much for this video, it was forwarded to my 33 year old estranged daughter. This is explained much better than I can. I wasn’t even present with myself. Hopefully it will be listened to. Just want to make sure she realizes this is a real thing.
I have been watching you for the last couple of years. In my opinion, this is the most insightful video you have produced. This describes the relationship between my parents from the perspective of one of their 7 children. Very sad to reach the age of 70 before I fully understood the dynamics of this type of family, if you can call it that. Better to know than never. Thanks
This is what I needed to hear to have the conversation. Thank you Dr Ramini ❤ 🌹
That’s right! When my father was around on the weekends everyone was difficult! He would always have an attitude about everything and my mom would always take his belittling and anger . We children would hide from him and stay away. Then when he left my mother would cry.
I’ve been waiting 45 years for codependent dad to defend me from covert narc mothers moves….
He never will.
Now he’s just a shell, a shadow of who he once was. When he speaks, all I hear is her voice. I doubt he has thoughts or opinions of his own. It gets worse with age.
How old is are your parents?
I am so sorry.
You just spoke my truth. Except my dad is the narc.
My mom props up my dad.
My mom, I like to say, has mind melded with my dad. She says things she would never have said before.
And of course my dad likes that just fine.
THX for taking on this complex topic, Dr. Ramani. So few understand it, yet common.
Thank you so much for this video!
I was making breakfast and I was thinking about my relationship with my non narc parent and that I love them but our relationship is very shallow. I know my non narc parent loves me but my narc parent will always be first priority.
Thanks again Dr Ramani!!!!
Thanks Dr. Ramani for, well, all your videos. But this one was really just what I needed. This is one topic I struggle so much with currently still. I'm an adult but my dad keeps enabling my mom. I really found your videos about the enablers very helpful. They facilitate the narcissist and make all the behaviours and abuse possible. Especially when it comes to parents, the child doesn't have a choice when you're living at home. And breaking contact with family when you're an adult is not easy, even if it's necessary for your own mental health.
Looking forward to seeing that video about the joy of having two narcissistic parents.
I was the non-narcissistic parent who desperately didn't want to be an enabler. I hope my adult children will see this.
Somehow it feels even more complicated with the non-narcissistic enabling parent. More videos of this topic please, Dr Ramani ❣️
Provided for me, drove me wherever I needed to go... But stopped protecting me, & started yelling at me sometimes since I was 7 or 8. He's forgotten that. Nice person, so even more dissonance. So much distance. I understand he's repressed himself so much to manage, but I feel that to this day, he doesn't see me for who I am. So strange & sad.
I think maybe this scenario may have contributed to me developing BPD. Im getting much better at controling my emotions now since ive become aware of having BPD.
I felt so glad that my mom and dad divorced. He even asked me if I wanted him to stay. NO WAY, so I said no. I felt abandoned because mom started working and attended school. She slept most of the time she was at home. She was depressed. Dad had 3 other sons my age. Mom remarried twice. First one was a severe alcoholic who sang at his church every Sunday. The second one caused me to move in with my grandmother at age 17. Today, I feel abandoned by my wife even when she goes shopping. I never know where she is for sure. Her parents didn't sleep together and neither do we. I drank heavily the past few years, but changed my mind and cut way down to almost quitting. I realize my maladaptive behavior(s) were due to the malignant situation with my wife. She won't change but I'm no longer angry with her. Just doing all I can to stay sane without emotional support for most of my adult and childhood lives. Yes, it's complicated. May the good Lord bless Dr. Ramani for opening my eyes- I was able to tell mom all about my dad's narcissistic lifestyle. I look forward to reading the other comments on this topic.
Hang in there, Buster. Congratulations to you for sobering up. That's huge!
Random internet stranger is cheering for you and your recovery. You got this. You can do it.
Yeah, my dad just took off. And he didn’t want to deal with my narcissistic mother, so he moved countries and barely ever kept in touch. I saw him once in 15 years.
I’ve tried to heal the relationship; but now it feels like I’m expected to behave like the perfect daughter, expected to want to visit all the time and feel like nothing ever happened, and if I don’t it’s because I’m difficult or “can’t let go”. And basically just get the silent treatment all over again.
Anyway, thank you for all the validation, for all the visibility to the struggles while healing. Your words are pure light!
I don't feel so much abandonment, as guilt that everyone around me endured abuse while I seemed to be the golden child. Can you please talk about that dynamic sometime?
My dad always stuck up for my narcissistic mother. She acted like a good mom when he was home, which wasn't a lot because he worked long hours for months at a time. We were not allowed to say anything negative or bad about her. We were told to do what she says "period." She got away with physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusing us kids and stealing from us. It wasn't until he retired that he saw the real her, but never came to me and asked any questions, just wanted my help. I wasn't able to help him & now they are both gone and I'm mad as hell he never protected me, but always protected my abuser!
I hope we all heal together. Good to see the loving supportive comments towards each other
Thanks for the new message on Narcissist topics. Dr Ramani your the best.
Just reading the title stopped me in my tracks. This is huge for me right now.
Thank you
My children have (by the commission from the other parent) told me that my children think I don’t care about them (the children) and that they don’t give two sh**s about me anymore.
This is very helpful. I have mother who went through a lot, lost her mind become mentally ill, raped homeless vulnerable woman on the streets for more than 30years she can’t be found. Hearing a siblings how she was abandoned and treated as a child and not liking her own mother is pretty heartbreaking for me to hear. Knowing that our narcissistic father had made our mother that way, I know I have to validate my sister’s experiences from our mother, because that’s her own experiences that took a toll on her whole life decision making, miserably falling on narcissistic loop over and over.
I myself grew with our grandparent so I didn’t get to experience what my siblings had experience, everyone of us siblings went through different experiences growing as a child & totally had different personalities and don’t get along, I’m pretty much the neutral one trying to help us have understanding what had just happen to us, and being mindful of invalidating comments. The positive side is, I am so glad to see them taking care of their children, trying hard not to have the same experiences as they had.
Thank you! I needed this today!!
This was so helpful. My dad was the non-narcissistic parent. I had to watch him spend his life jumping to all her needs. When he died I was so angry with him because I didn't get to have the dad I wanted. He was willing but she made sure my sister and I were never allowed to get too close. I didn't understand why he did not stand up to her but needed me to fight his battles for him. This video brought tears as now I see his side. He loved us but didn't know how to show us.
My mother just turned 90 and is still at her nastiness. I am tired of it. I want my life to myself.
wow! thank you! That was very good to hear!
Thank-you for doing these videos, they are the only therapy I can get in Canada. I suffered abuse since I was born by my parents. My parents were scary. My mother took the cake. Malignant narcissist and would go into these black out rages and destroy everything in her path. My father would always put me down when I wasn't perfect. And these videos are the only thing keeping me going. Showing me why I am the way I am, that I'm not alone. I've tried to get help as encouraged but I get mocked instead by doctors. Even when I prove I'm right. They don't care.
Wow. This was so unbelievably helpful. You continue to deepen and strengthen my healing Dr. Ramani. Do not ever stop what you do. There’s no way to put a price tag on the value of what you do. You are helping people who otherwise wouldn’t have to reignite that candle inside that was extinguished and to live happy, rewarding lives. Thank you thank you thank you.
My parents were a dream team! When one did the abuse, the other would enable. They took turns. But sometimes they turned on each other, and expected me to take sides.
Thank you so much for articulating this so well! It really left me feeling seen!❤
I'm crying... Thank you Dr Ramani, thank you.
I tried to have this conversation with my mom, some years ago. I did my best to present it in a nuanced and empathic way, but she immediately started crying in a way that I don't often see, stuttered that I was being unfair and went in the next room to cry away from sight... so, I dropped it. I took a minute to cry and calm down myself, then went to hug her, said something like I didn't mean to hurt her and I don't want us to fight over this, so, never mind. After this, I'd welcome it if she brought it up again some day, but I won't. She can recognize sometimes some tidbits. She sometimes drops a little sentence here and there in conversations about other things, like I'll talk about a situation when my shyness got in my own way, and she'll say she's aware she's insecure and she's sorry she probably modeled that for me... then quickly move on to say something else. It has to come from her, never from me, and it's hard to go beyond that, to touch on her parenting or how present she was (or wasn't), let alone to have a conversation centered on that topic instead of those passing comments. Clearly still very tender for her, even after all those years. So I'm not sure I can ever take her along for the ride.
For my own work, I just try to picture in my head a version of her that can hear what I need to say... It doesn't feel as good as what a true resolution would bring, and sometimes I find myself secretly angry at my mother despite nothing bad happening in our real-life relationship, it's a bit weird... but it does help, and I am determined to get in a good enough place, even if I do it on my own.
My narc father is now getting far in the rearview, my toxic exes and ex-friends too, my work situation has improved, but my relationship with my mother feels like one of the last chapters of my healing I'm still working on. That and my art block, although it's partly related, but that's a whole other story.
I relate to this painfully well. My dad would go between the extremes of totally enabling my narcissistic mother to literally abandoning all of us. My parents were separated for a few years when my sisters and I were little. Even when my parents were together, my dad would either be out doing meth with his buddies or getting drunk somewhere or he would be in jail. My dad struggled immensely with addiction as a way to cope not just with my mother but with his own horrific childhood memories. I always felt sorry for my dad and made excuses for him, and blamed myself for his struggles as well as my mother’s behavior. As I got older, I would go out with my dad to his jobs and take my homework with me, as an excuse to get out of the house myself and also feel closer to my dad. But no matter how close I got to my dad, I always felt abandoned anytime anything happened. It created such a mess in our whole family dynamic. My older sister basically turned into my dad, and my twin sister grew up to be another total narcissist that my dad would also enable. The frustration is never ever ever ending. There were times where my dad would place blame onto me for not being “cool” and brushing off narcissistic behaviors like he always did; til, one day, I did what he did in a sense and “abandoned” the whole family by going no-contact, because I can’t take it anymore, either. It’s been 13 months.
Thank you for this! I see the insight of my children! Please keep them coming! These are priceless! It sounds like you were a fly on the wall in our home! This helps me know what I need to focus on for my children in the home now and have empathy and understanding for their perspective!
You’re a blessing.
When I saw the title of this my jaw dropped. Thank you Dr. you always seem to know what we need❤️
My dad was a communal narcissist and my mum was an alcoholic. When I was little I thought my dad was the good one. Me and mum fought all the time.
When my mum died 2016 I felt so much love and sorrow comming from her. Niw I love her!❤
2006, when my dad died, I did not receve and feelings from him.
I did not understand anything about narcissism until 2021.
Thank you for helping us!❤
My mom would keep me sane while also giving me false hope that life would improve with my dad. She would give me advice like treating my own father like a boss and that I would understand as an adult. I thought if I graduated and got my first full-time job my dad would calm down. He only worse because his control on me was slipping. Now I work a normal job with an amazing boss. Even if I get a bad boss at work, I couldn’t imagine myself being treated like my dad would treat me.
I saved this one for one of the last, and it's been the most validating. It's hard work grappling with these feelings, but thank to your videos, I'm healing.
Thanks for the extra effort you put into this one, it really resonates, and navigates the tricky nuance well.
Thank you for making this video.