Different ways CO-PARENTING with a NARCISSIST plays out
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- Опубліковано 3 чер 2024
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After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!
I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??
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God is more than enough for us, and his mercy is new every morning. Hallelujah🎉🎉🎉♥️
I have a crazy story to tell one day. 13 years married, my daughter was taken away after I separated, could t even see her because of claims. Fast forward to now, I have 90% physical custody granted yesterday.
I'm in the muck right now. 11 years married, 15 together, trying to move my 11 y/0 700 miles away to be with her new man. Finally got a lawyer and a trial coming up. The stuff my ex says is nuts, literally all her declarations are lies. It's unbelievable. My kiddo and I are super bonded. Hoping for the best. Lmk if you have any advice, I'm open
11 years married, separated for almost a year. We have 6 kids together and he’s only letting me have the youngest 2. The older ones I get for 24 hours once a week. I was a completely dependent spouse and I have nothing for a lawyer. He gave me only 1/4 of what the house is worth but I used most of it for a surgery I absolutely needed, but insurance doesn’t cover. This man has shot and killed my dog, he’s mentally abused me for years and he can do no wrong in his mind. He’s thrown away my possessions and clothes and coerced me into doing things I didn’t want to do. He’s emotionally cheated on me and is still seeing this woman who also has 6 kids, also going through a divorce. I’m hoping the judge can see through him and grant me my half of the house and grant me more custody with my kids.
God be the glory!mine took my child too...I'm going thru all of this now
I’ve been alienated from my kids for almost 5 years now. No contact, been blocked everywhere. I drained myself with lawyer fees fighting for them. I got visitation rights to see my younger one who was 14 at the time (now 16). My ex and my older one got me falsely arrested saying I slapped my ex. I was sitting in my car waiting for my kid not knowing what they were upto from inside the house. The cops came and arrested me because my own son became a false witness.
@@nidhisingha2270 oh wow stay strong sister...I know what you are going through
Its an absolute fu@king nightmare. Its not co parenting, it's counter parenting. Sheer hell.
This...but at the time I was not familiar with either term..I only knew I was the only one" parenting"- while he was like a 3rd child...and literally would say TO my sons" that only upsets your mother"...threw me under the bus repeatedly so he d be the "buddy". Even now, decades later I can see how it affected my relationship with my sons...They still believe their father is a saint....
Absolutely. I was wife #1. My kid and I made it through wife #2 and all its craziness (that marriage lasted less than a year IIRC). Then he met wife #3. She is probably even more evil than my ex and completely poisoned my kid, who was by then starting HS, against me. Fast forward to his college years, where he cut off communication with me. Brainwashing is the only way to describe it. And one of my siblings from my narcissistic family system participated. I think she saw my ex as a proxy for my mom. If she couldn't win favor with our mother, she was going to find someone else to fawn. And of course, my family has supports her. "Well, she had the best of intentions." HOW? No one can explain it to me.
@@Suzu52 your boys will see the light one day. I know it feels like it won’t, but they will. I lost one of my daughters for 18 months but she finally saw her dad for the lying narc he really is and we’re now working on rebuilding. It’s a long slow road. In the meantime, get in therapy and love yourself. ❤
@@Suzu52 why are we going through this...I don't understand this pain we are in during its undescribable
@@candyk9158 I often think this. I remind myself that jails are full of people who hurt others. Narcs are no different. Bizarrely it's not personal. It's because we happened to meet them.
Mental screenings should be mandatory, before becoming a parent.
By whom? At least half of the people doing them would be narcissists. This is a terrifying thought. We already have narcissists in our government, our court system, our law enforcement, our military, our corporations, teaching in our schools, in our "news" organizations, in our churches, in our "helping" professions, pontificating all over social media as influencers. Let's not hand over any more power to narcs.
I agree with this 💯
My sons father filed a lawsuit and got what he wanted. He doesn’t even care abt our son. Only abt himself and his image.
My ex-wife was diagnosed as Bi-polar and also has multiple-split personality… She’s a full-blown narcissist where I suffered through years of narcissistic rage from her… in Canada, the Courts refuse to hear or see mental illness at this level! The Family Court system in Canada is completely broken, biased & prejudiced towards men!
This sounds like a FANTASTIC idea in theory… until it was abused. Because it would be. Covert narcissists in particular (because this channel is all about narcissists although I’m sure there’s a few disorders that I could plug in here!!) could easily hide behind a mental screening all while making the ex look insane or like the “crazy” one. Master manipulators and gaslighters. Just like anything in the legal realm too, the people with money (with money comes power!!) would buy their way around it.
mental screenings should be mandatory before getting married.
The legal system does not care if you are being "stalked"
Distracting & time consuming for sure going t2t
Limit communication. Your parenting partner may try to get your attention by over-communicating. ...
The blessing is my kids are grown. But all the time they were growing up I didn't really know what I was up against. Everything he could destroy about me he did. My kids saw a sad, depressed broken mom. Now as they are adults they are good people and I understand now that I did the best I could despite everything he tried to destroy me. I am extremely proud of the outcome. Some Days I look back and wonder how am I still here. I don't really fight anymore unless it can hurt my kids well-being. My focus now is healing and rebuilding my self esteem.
Make the good fight, but definitely limit communication, document stuff and learn about counter parenting and parallel parenting. Just shut them down, don’t talk to them, only tell them the minimum. They will ramp up, but sometimes, eventually, they just get tired of it. Brings so much more peace during this ridiculous process.
I feel like this person touches all of the things, but mostly unfit. One thing is clear, move in silence always. Strategy is always your ally, chess, not checkers.
DUDE how do you always know what I'm going through! I thought I was opening the door to be cordial with my ex by telling him how happy it made me to see him with our child, and how I really get to rest and get time to myself when our child is with him. Suddenly he stopped getting her.
This is so interesting!! My ex was absolutely adamant he wanted 50/50 custody and that's the way it's been. My younger son's play therapist said he could benefit from spending more time in one home (with me), so I said to my ex how the 50/50 seems to work for him, the ex, and hey, it works for me too, I get time to myself, I get to recharge, do my hobbies etc, but it doesn't seem to be working as well for our son. At that time there were lots of passive aggressive questions like, 'well what do YOU suggest?', 'how will THAT work??', 'what will that even look like??' and many more of the same, even though I was only saying 'maybe we could think about putting some time aside to think about it', and me mentioning I didn't have answers at that point, just raising a query, which I had to restate again and again - days later he starts talking about 'if there's another way' to do custody... (he had the children all through his working week at that point) - this didn't dawn on me until right now!
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Yep
I'm getting deja vu... I keep seeing this exact same comment on narc videos...
I wish I’d known this before I filed for divorce. I was functionally a single parent for the last decade of my marriage and he fought like h*** for the kids while illegally cutting my access to money to fight for them. Everything else I got though. So many years of tearing pain. Five years later, even the children he groomed against me know which parent is honest, living, committed, reliable, enjoys being with them, and will always show up for them. No one can take it that long.
11 years of family court, I have said time again that I can actually deal with the Narc, but it's been the family court that's the REAL problem. A must watch documentary: Divorce Corp.
They LOVE high conflict divorces. Keeps them rolling in new cars.
Thank you for reminding me , I’m not alone. Thank you for being here.
I am thankful all the time I didn’t have children with my ex narcissist. I don’t want to have children at all. I probably never will.
A kid in a healthy relationship is a blessing🎉
Thanks for this Dr. Ramani. I worked quietly behind the scenes with my narc co-parent, writing the parenting agreement, filing it with the courts, attending classes at organizations for abused mothers, going to support groups, educating myself, etc. The co-parent was so ignorant of the process and disengaged when our child was a baby that he went along with everything. But, as our child got older, he started treating parenting like a competitive sport. He used our child as a pawn to feel like he was "winning" the parenting game. It was disgusting. He found every loophole in the law or the parenting agreement and manipulated it. I was often blind-sided. I don't know how my son survived this, but he is ok as an adult. I am still deeply wounded by the projection, deception and rages of the narc parent and the need to be hyper-vigilant for 17 years. This information you're providing is so vital. I wish I had known about the DEEP technique. Sometimes I used it intuitively. I use it all the time now.
What is DEEP technique?
Lord this sounds like my step kids father. Gotta keep your calm and never show emotion around them. Never react to them. They hate it.
coparenting for a divorced couple has to be the worst idea ever. My parents got to the force and I thank God that they didn't co-parent. It was hard enough as it is when they got divorced and I was 7 in 1980
I always said he hates me more than he loves his child so anyway he could cause drama or problems he would even at the detriment to a little kids mental health.
Definitely went through that in 6 year custody battle (eventually won true joint custody, as judge eventually got tired of her constantly increasing demands).
In reference to being the protective "lion".
6 years of crisis fatigue was exhausting, to be sure!
Ouch! I was also the justice seeker, too...vagaries you say, lol, I'd say prejudicial (yep, before we were separated, she took the boyfriend to her xmas party presented as her husband, while I watched our 3yr old and infant children. I only found out because a good friend was the +1 for one of her coworkers). Eventually, I learned to be patient and strategic to give her rope and win the joint custody). The games continue, but kids are 12yrs older and aware.
On was on track to winning the first case of Munchausen by Proxy in my state, but neither family or criminal courts followed through, but it was close enough to stop her from pursuing that. The kids getting older and figuring things out helped (which I had to painfully watch, as I refused to put them in the middle or explain it to them. Interestingly, the 'golden child' was the one who felt the most betrayed, feeling ignored no mawhat she did.
Left over two years ago and he didn’t fight for the kids 15 & 17. I stayed so long to avoid custody battles and it worked. He didn’t want to deal with them and wanted freedom. Saw them one day a week. I never opposed it. Slowly but surely he ruined his relationship with them. Gaslighting them, putting them in dangerous situations trying to be fun dad. Now 17 year old is no contact and 20 year old stays with him to save up to move out with her boyfriend but just tolerates his behaviour. They can’t help but be who they are and the kids figure it out.
I also did the strategic-time sentence. I’m sure it saved them for a minute but now that they are young adults they are ruminating. I don’t know how to help them.
My daughter’s father moved to a nice middle class neighborhood about 40 minutes away from where I lived at the time he filed for full custody. About two years later he was awarded ZERO custody and therefore decided to move in to an RV park because he “couldn’t afford the (reasonable) support. He now owes $15,000+, fled the state”in fear of his life and estate” (he told our child some mean men from his past were after him, but told the cops he was running from the attorney generals office 😂). Now he “cant work” and harasses the OAG’s office over his “rights”😂 don’t get me started on his disorganized, dishonest, and illiterate court filings he’s been filing ever since the first judge saw through him.
I’m both partially indifferent and the silent mother tigress who is prepared to expose him at every turn.
Stay strong, they will garnish his ss when he retires.
Thank you so much for covering this. Such an important topic! There's not nearly enough information and awareness out there of all of this. It wasn't until it was way too late that I got to the point of understanding and radical acceptance of not just the co-parent I was dealing with but the system that fostered his smear campaign and lies to the massive detriment of not just me and my reputation but my ability to see my daughter at all. Be careful out there folks
Yes, you are correct and it never ends
The day of my custody hearing to visit my oldest son 3 days vs. 2 days I was in the vehicle with my significant other at the time and I received a phone call that MY MOTHER HUNG HERSELF, years later a man under the influence admitted to killing my biological mother. I could continue down the rabbit hole. I pray both my children are healthy, safe, and successful. I made a choice that the safety of my children was more important. My Boys will one day find me and I will be In a safer place mentally and emotionally. 🐛🦋😇
Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective and all the things you say. You are making a difference.
Congratulations on book 📚
I am desperately affraid of losing my daughter but its all gotten so bad...knowing everything i am fearful of dealing with him in all terms and him having my daughter thats scary as hell
Co parenting with those 11 pages of behavioral agreements and a dispute resolution coordinator with the final decision making power for our.son and discretion forbilling the person who caused the problem saved my life. Worth every cent of settlement I gave up over the long term. It was the only way he could be held accountable for the ridiculous things he pulled. Having a lawyer with the decision power of a judge was worth it! What a mess!
My 3yr olds son’s father and I share 50/50 custody parental agreement. We signed it back in July of 2022. He’s been bitter, spiteful, lying, etc ever since. Unfortunately, I can’t retrieve our son for the start of my parenting time because I lost my job and I have no way to pick him up for the start of my parenting time. So, he has had him since then. He continues to try and paint me as an unfit mother, he asks do I need help only to take the help away when something does not go his way in conversation or planning. We made a personal agreement outside of our parental agreement that he is to take full responsibility of pick-ups and drop-offs of our son if I paid him $10 in gas every now and then. Recently, back in March of this year, we had a disagreement and he told me because I disrespected him he will no longer be doing me a favor by dropping off our son to me at the start of my time. I told him, “So, due to your personal feelings, you decided to put your feelings in the way of your son seeing his mother and his ONLY sibling?” He literally did not care, he has no remorse. Just hurt, evil and spiteful. Any tips on what to do and how to handle this type of narcissistic father? I miss my son but I have no way to get him until I get money for transportation. He tells me to “stick to the parental agreement” but if this was the case, he should have never made any outside agreements with me. He takes advantage of the fact that I struggle as a single mom of 2, he uses that to his advantage and it’s so sick. All I can do is move with love, god forbid he ever needed a “favor” from me in the near future. You reap what you sow
Thank you for the new book .. You are blessing to the world 🙏🏻
Thank you for covering this topic. It is so important!
For me, it is too late. I did not know what narcissism was. I am sharing yo
Make others aware. I did not leave until my youngest was off to college, still not knowing what I was dealing with. I believe they use your kids against you even in the marriage and it ramps up if separation/divorce comes into play. My now adult children have all been turned against me and It affects the relationships I also want with my grands. Some of them never stop. He knows how much this means to me and it will never end. He does not care that my kids and grands are also hurt in the process. All that matters is his agenda. Please, please be aware!!
Sorry to read that your children have been turned against you, I hope for you that they will see your ex for who he is, and it does seem like this happens eventually, I hope it's not too long for you. My children are young and to begin with they fought against their dad's control and treatment of them. I would fight against him in their company, not a great situation but I didn't want them thinking his behaviours and treatment of them was 'normal'. In the end I looked like the problem and my children began to draw away from me as it looked like the reason for the arguments was all down to me. I grew quiet instead, in the name of a peaceful home, but they seemed to internalise his behaviour and only last week my youngest (who is 8) said he 'has the best dad in the world'. My son's play therapist has another veiwpoint (that he has been 'highly abusive'). We live separately now, but I do feel your pain. I think all we can do is be ourselves in our own space where they can grow and also be themselves when they're with us, and this will stand to them eventually and our relationship with them.
I am so sorry you are also experiencing this! My hope for you is that because you understand this while they are young that your outcome will be different than mine. I did not know what narcissism was so I too argued back. At the time it felt like the only way yo stand up to him. In retrospect, I see that I was doing exactly what he wanted back then. I too was the person at fault, the only one, though it takes two yo argue. To this day it is like they have a black and white belief. I am bad and deserve however I am treated. He is hood no matter what he says or does. Please be careful of what you don’t hear being said. Hugs to you!
Thanks so much for your reply! I’ve only really started sharing things online lately as the shame of it all stopped me. Big hugs to you too! xx from what I’ve read and understood about narcissists, their reach can be long and powerful, whether we live with them or apart. I hope so much for you that your children really start to understand what went on and that your are able to develop relationships with them and your grandchildren sooner rather than later. The world feels like a different place now, even from when me and my ex first got together. And I hope some of this knowledge that feels more accessible about narcissism can leak into your childrens’ thinking… it may be through their own children’s eyes and feelings where they may be pushed to see things differently. My prayers and thoughts are with you 💖
You are so welcome! Please feel free to reach out if needed! I know the shame too, I am working on it. The truth of it is that even though it is easier said than done, the shame doesn’t belong to us. I too feel like the world is a different place - so many losses and so hard to trust. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well! Take good care of you ! Also, my thoughts on now understanding what this is too late - if I had it to do over with the knowledge I now have I would never have gotten into the arguments, fallen for the baiting etc. though I tried hard not to bad mouth him I am sure there were times I failed. Don’t hand him the ammunition to hurt you with where your kids are concerned as I did. Sending more hugs❤️
My ex treated his visitation time as a burden, except when he could use them as free labor. He actually said he should get something back for all the child support he was paying. I was appalled.
Today is the birthday of my son, its a sad day because our relationship is alienated en we dont see eachother.
This is just what i needed to see, apparently im in the last group....and i realize that i really choose what was best. Thank you🌸
Fantastic video one of your best. Thank you, Doctor
This is definitely very helpful, Dr. Ramani. I would like to believe I am at the strategic place of co-parenting. I had a very good lawyer who drafted a good divorce agreement for what is best for my children. Of course the Narcissistic ex-husband doesn't always follow the rules or the law. I have come to accept this too. I struggle with finances at times but have been able to cover for my children and give help where the dad is failing. I know the situation will never be ideal but I think I have been able to strike a relatively good balance. Thank you for addressing this very important and pertinent topic. 🙏🌷
Thank you for great advice dr Ramani 😊
Thank you Dr. Ramni you do such amazing work. I have watched you for years and love your stuff. ❤
What about the kids that are the pawns in this fight? Both my parents are narcissistic. They divorced when I was 14. They fought in front of me for a year before getting divorced. My father was forced to move out of the house into the backyard garage guest room. They sold the 5 bed 3 bath house near the beach in southern California. It was akin to watching Camelot being burned down. I had anxiety and they ruined my high school years.
I’m in this boat and have largely strategically won . My children are now older , two of them are not with men as adults they are estranged . One of which is autistic and the other a step .
My two younger children and I live together and went no contact with their mother
The key was two fold .
Refusal to engage in court but threaten it but make it clear it will cost her thirty thousand
Love my kids wholly and completely .
The kids openly told her no contact and live with me
I paid a penalty of false allegations and legal pains .
Ultimately my kids are with me
I don’t know if you read these, but I’m a man in a coparenting relationship with a narcissist woman - I have found that she uses man-narcissism tropes against me - videoing me against my knowledge and repeating “get out of my house” until cutting it off when I start to speak so it looks like I’m there against her will so she can take an abuse charge out on me. It’s been very confusing and because I am the man it has worked and inordinate amount of times that she tries to pull off that she is the harassed, the abused, instead of me. I’m starting to get the hang of it, but mostly that just means staying as far away as possible which is so difficult because I have a kid with her. But knowing these are bullying tricks and nothing more does help a little…
Thank you Dr. Ramani. We need more of these videos, this was priceless advice.
Your presentation was so well thought out and you addressed the stages so clearly and there's a sincerity in your voice behind the honesty that is really a nice mix of "sweet n sour" thank you
So thankful I was acquainted with this channel before my divorce/ during DV.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for another great video, there are so validating to my experience and give me faith and hope I can trust my instincts and myself again to go forward in life confidently and happily. And knowing any of us going through a break-up & co-parenting with a narcissist aren't alone adds to this, my family and friends not in my inner-inner circle don't get it, and see the charm around my ex. I've created distance and space from those who I don't feel supported by, and kept those close that I do, these videos really help me gather my strength and resolve.
thank you for talking about the elephant in the living room! Everyone has always avoided actually pointing out narcissists
He would tell me "I don't care about your money. It's not that important to me." Aaaww how sweet then BAM! Papers to my lawyer for child support when we have shared 50/50 custody. The amount was HUGE! I only made 10K more than him. I confronted him and he would shrug and say, "Let the lawyers work it out." Acting like he had no control over his lawyer's actions. Rinse and repeat this conflict through the entire divorce settlement. If you can get to strategic, it's the most helpful for you.
Thank you Dr. Ramani
There was no coparenting with my narcissistic other half thank God I never married him. We were together three years when he found out I was pregnant. He said I’ll buy you a brand new Harley if you get an abortion…. I said don’t ever speak that word to me again I had been trying 10 years to get pregnant. I’ve had two miscarriages. How dare you after she was born he told me I don’t want to be domesticated whatever that meant and he left leaving me to raise my child alone when I asked for help in the form of child support he said I didn’t ask for that kid so I don’t have to pay you anything… I moved to states away, and then he threatened to take me to court to get custody… all he wanted was control not my child and yes she’s mine not his he had no right after what he said to me to even claim to be a father, so I didn’t even bother to put him on the birth certificate…
I raised her alone two years later I got pregnant on purpose because the doctor told me I have a lot of scar tissue and I may not be able to have another child so I slept with someone to get my son. I never asked him for child support either I raised them both alone and took care of both of them their whole lives. My daughter is now a graduate of college and my son works six days a week they’re both in their early 30s. I had enough of that narcissist for three years. I hope he’s happy wherever he is…. But I know the woman he’s with is miserable.😂
Hi, will we get more of these videos regarding co-parenting?
I have to tell you thank you so much for this video
I am 100% the indifferent parent and have exhausted myself in fighting for a dad for my son that is there but also absolutely not there
I have done so much research on narcissists since being a single mom at 5 months pregnant to now having a 3 year old son in 18 days and I have never heard such spot on helpful advice until this video
Thank you!!!! 🙏
I am 100% strategic, thanks to you.
If we could all just learn that wisdom is just learning to stop speaking, that being right doesnt matter, this narcissistic society we live in wouldnt be so bad. We have nothing to prove to anyone other than ourselves. Trying to prove our intetions locks us into the cycle of disfunction. This has taught me that theres a word for the behavior, it doesnt make it matter more than i can control. There is no middle ground with these folks every situation is a court of law. See through the societal bs and "do your best" and no more. Nothing is fair all the time. Be strategic yet realistic this is so difficult, thank you for your sharing of insight Doctor R. Stay well and keep plugging on people ! 🙏
THIS. THANK YOU.
How about the father abandoning them with mother, paying zero child support, remarrying and messaging and calling them on and off and manipulating facts and once the boys grow up, suddenly show interest in them as they are source of power for them now, all the hard years gone now, now they would feed them with all their twisted lies and convince them that it was their mother's fault all along. What can a mother do? Would children fall for such manipulation??
Wait! 😢 You did it again. You didn't go far enough! What about the parents who don't get to "co-parent" at all? The malignant narcissist turned our own children against us in prep for the discard? Whoes children became our abusers too. who can"t "go on" living some other life Knowing now our babies grew up and still are living a lie! The parents who've been thrown out like trash and our children hate us blocked us, and we haven't spoken in years. We're so sad all the time missing them so terribly. But as we learned we have no hope to change this. What about us, Dr. Ramani? How's this play out exactly? 😢 more of this same? How can alienated parents live?
Please Dr. Ramani. Please include this bunch in your pathways talks. You know who we are. I listen faithfully to your channel since finding you a few years ago. Too late to actually have clued me in before I got demolished unfortunatly. But you help so much all the way around except when you don't go far enough when addressing surviors paths in consequence from having a relationship with a narcissist. Alienated parents that lost their kids like this. Please, I desperately need you to include me too. I know I'm not the only one, sadly. I can't be. A smaller subset sure, but not solely. I think I've asked before in comments. Please?
Divorced my ex when children were 17 and 19. Thought I'd given them a good grounding, they were both at University doing degrees and bobbing along. Fast forward a few years my son aged 24 threw himself off the Tyne Bridge. One of his greatest fears 'I don't want to grow up to be a dickhead like my Dad' as well as betrayal by a loose girlfriend. Horrendously my remaining daughter who became Head of a Comprehensive School did grow up to be a dickhead like her Dad. She began to copy her father's narc tactics and demeaning behaviour towards me as well as teaching her 3 children to treat me with contempt. First words I heard my first grand-daughter utter under knitted brows and a scowling face 'NAUGHTY NANA!'', she was 12 months and I'd only seen her twice before so guess who was teaching her that script. After 17 years of this garbage, for my own health, I cut her and her family off completely, that was 8 years ago. The relief was palpable. Children don't go unscathed, get out as soon as you can and live your best life. PS: In 25 years my ex gave me 2 compliments as we were splitting up 1. You're a canny looking woman FOR YOUR AGE!!! and 2. YOU've done a bloody good job of bringing the kids up. Thought I had 2 but I had 3 and he was the errant one. Very sad outcome.
I really wish I had your channel to refer to in 1985 when I was going through the ugliest divorce. So many things make sense all these years later after watching your videos.
Thank you, so much. ❤
Good morning 😊
No co-parenting period with a narcissit
Hi Dr. Ramani....this video was so helpful for me. My grandkids are 2, 4 & 5. My daughter lives with me and the "X" does not. Thankfully, she is getting wonderful support from an excellent organization. Just had court 2 days ago. The "X" has the kids 3.5 days a week on a schedule determined by the court. He is already having a problem with it but it is court ordered which is what he wanted. He shows narcissist behaviors in a big way and also coercive control issues. The support organization will be helping her. Your video has been very helpful for me to understand this a little better. Thank you for sharing. Take care.
What is the name of the organization???
Are you in Canada?? I don't know if it is in USA
@@jovanap752
I've definitely reached the strategic part.
0:00 Intro
1:18 Fighting for your children - the lion/lioness or bear/shark parent - don't show the narcissist your hand
4:32 Fighting while depressed/have other MH struggles - the seemingly hopeless parent - please seek therapy and support
7:12 Fighting for justice - the make things "right" at any cost parent - may exhaust all resources without enough to show for it
9:40 Not fighting - the indifferent/karmatic parent - may have missed opportunities to help your children
11:02 Pick your battles - the strategic parent - planning, knowledgeable, realistic, has support/therapy/resources
12:53 Summary
14:50 Outro
I've been doing this for 14 years. It is the most exhausting, degrading, depressing, self esteem, soul crushing experience I have ever been through. It destroys the children as well. Very, very difficult.
Blank emotions and expressions in people disturb me, and they will continue to disturb me. I feel like every feeling and thought they have is someone else's, and that is how they've been taught to behave
I co parents with a narc. I’m very lost 15 years of this family is about to end me. I speak to my sister for an ear to listen. She’s so mean when I speak about what nasty thing they did next. She yells at me to make a new life leave your little girl are they worth it, I also have a 17 year old son. She went off why didn’t I do this how could you not do that to stop them. My house is in need of repair she’s a millionaire and says well you’ll figure it out. Then screams just make a new life Amy time to start over. I’m almost a year into a new job I grieve alone obviously, I work hard and see my kids 46 days a year. I’m sad I’ve been pathologically abused, depressed, and the emotional stress caused me to have celiac disease, seining poisoning, whooping cough, heart problems, and more. No one will treat me with any love or empathy I’m so alone. Am I the asshole?
Tanj, Heinlein got it right. There ain't no justice.
Yup, tried to cancel their private school that he had applied for and paid for initially. Mind boggling to witness.
Mine keeps me from FaceTiming my 6YO. He blames me for everything and cannot accept ANY responsibility for his wrongdoings. He is also addicted to edibles and if that wasn’t enough, he is an attorney so he’s never wrong. It’s like a living nightmare.
Wish I had known all of this ten years ago. I definitely wasn't prepared for the roller coaster ride from hell. I'm ready to get off of it.
Brilliant
Thank you x
Dr, i pray for u & the folks u help (like me) because in my fight (& i think i'm at that Strategic stage, thanks to you and other therapists out there)... true Justice will come through God, Who really does see all. Those devastating backhanded comments?! Those insidious gaslit moments where we're left questioning WTF did i NOW do (& the answer is, "Actually, NOTHING!!!")...Those 48hour fights where you didn't even look your kid in the eye because the behind-closed-door beratings left you too humiliated to raise your head? .... yeah, God catches all that, and He'll throw it right back in the perpetrator's face. Prayer was what kept me going til Prayer finally said, "Mmmkay, you did ENOUGH..." // Now i am praying for the day i can ask St. Paul, " *Dude, WTF were you thinking with Roman 16:11?!* " and there is NO JEST in my prayer.
I have tried everything and nothing has worked. My children have given up on themselves
In our situation we never got the opportunity to "co-parent" we was accused of everything and anything, the child was eventually completely alienated from us, by the mothers doing.
I'm fed up of my ex partner. I constantly get messages telling how I'm not bothered about my kids and how I don't care about them. I can't go no contact because just incase there's an emergency. I'm always there for my kids, but she makes out I'm not.
I am the dolphin... But seriously, I do appreciate your videos & I WISH I found your videos a decade ago.
@DoctorRamani #askDoctorRamani Would you please cover will and inheritance in narcissistic relationships, parents, siblings. Thank you!
For the father of my daughters, narsisist father and his family is very convenient any situation in my life. For the father of my daughters I don't exist. Manipulation gaslighting lies and injustice situations unfortunately
And can we talk about how they want to bring the new supply around the child right away
BPDs are almost equally horrible, although less viscious, I think. Still having hard times with that one, sometimes.
I feel you. So incredible how you think you know who they are.... until you really do fund out who they are... then you are a threat and they don't stop. The way a bpd individual can manipulate and lie in a way to twist things totally out of context is astonishing, these are normally paper thin and easily disproved. The problem is, they can turn friends and mutals against you so fast and covertly that you may never get that chance to prove otherwise. I have learnt how strong I am after leaving my bpd ex of ten years. You nearly need to form narc traits to just deal with someone with bpd. Especially the bpd that is an absolute master at manipulation and lies. It's astonishing that these people live there life's in total fear, so much so there whole existence is the upkeep of there firewall lies they use to protect there inner emotions. Incredible. Mine total destroyed my life, work, friends, my son. I call her hurricane Brianna because the damage she can do in 24 hours is only equaled by that of hurrican Katrina. Wow haha
what if you had two narc parents and they did everything you said wrong plus bonus categories?
Attention and self-righteousness means everything for narcissists. It's not about money. Psychopaths want money 💰
I have another question, Dr. Ramani. What if you are in love with an enabler to some narcissists? He can even be a flying monkey for them at key moments of extreme stress in the system. I don't want to leave him. How do I cope with his clear allegiance to the narcissists over me. I have tried to get him to see them as narcissists, but that has not ever worked. Any advice from you would be appreciated. Oh, and I wanted to say that it is embarrassing to be with an enabler/flying monkey. I feel people think I am part of that, but I am not. I am standing my ground with the narcissist and even taking bad attitude from my own husband. People do not realize it, though. It leaves me without any support system.
G'day 🐨
Hi Dr. Ramani. Is is possible for a narcissistic mom to dislike the child who is the most like her because she has so much shame about herself. I was the scapegoat for my mom. I'm a lot like her. Not that I am a narcissist, but I excelled in the same areas in life as she did. I always felt we would one day bond over it, but we never did. She just tried harder and harder to gaslight me. I do know that since I thought like her I didn't fall for a lot of her manipulation. I could see it clearly from beginning to end like a formula. I would not respond the way she wanted. But we had so much in common that I still find it shocking that she could not have any bond with me.
Send this to my ex, he says I'm a narcissist because I wanted him to get a real job
You don't get to say about that. That's your ex, if your ex wants to pretend to make a living by playing guitar and accepting donations, while starving to death they have that right. Sucks to be honest. My ex joined the army and played rampant slut with 2 kids, i didn't get a say either till the physical abuse mounted.
🔥
Do you have a video on co parenting when your children are grown? I waited to divorce my ex covert narcissist until my twins graduated from college. They both are now married and ready to start families and he has a new supply to destroy my relationship with my twins.
Hey 👋🏻
Hi 👋
Could somebody please tell me is video talking in the sense of before the divorce, custody & placement is finalized?
Before. During. And After, unfortunately
What do you say about a narcissistic mother who has a felon they two timed you on and who threatened to suicide himself around your daughter with a gun and she still has them around your kid and falsely put you on child support. I called cps and is in investigation
09:24 - Someone’s gotta have the guts to do it.
What is the link if you already bought the book and you want to sign up for the free offerings and raffle?
Can a person with Asperger's syndrome also be a narcissist? My ex husband never took an interest in our son, especially when he was a baby, toddler, up until our son was in his last year in high school. My ex was diagnosed with ASD/Asperger's when we went to the last of 5 marriage counselors my ex is a very manipulative person that has to be right about everything and needs to feel like he is on the top of the winners circle when is comes to conflict.
I'm like really struggling and I wish this had helped. I can't figure out if I'm the narcissist or not. Uuugh.
I am actually not able to understand what Radical acceptance looks like. During the arguments, can I continue to say what I want to say, not tiptoe around narcissist? Or just not say anything and keep it in my mind they are not going to change
This is what my ex is doing at the moment....
Thankfully we only had pets.
По-разному проявляется СОВМЕСТНОЕ ВОСПИТАНИЕ с НАРЦИССОМ
00:06 Совместное воспитание детей с нарциссическими родителями
• Видео обсуждает различные подходы к совместному воспитанию детей с нарциссическими родителями.
• Нарциссические родители могут использовать детей как средство мести или контроля.
07:33 Борьба за опеку и несправедливость
• Некоторые родители борются за справедливость и пытаются исправить несправедливость, связанную с опекой и финансами.
• Это может быть изнурительным и отвлекающим, но важно продолжать бороться за свои права.
09:40 Безразличие и истощение
• Безразличие может быть результатом истощения и усталости от борьбы за опеку.
• Важно не упустить стратегические возможности и подготовиться к ним.
10:18 Разъяснение различных типов родителей
• Видео начинается с объяснения различных типов родителей, которые могут столкнуться с нарциссическими отношениями.
• Первая группа - это родители, которые небезразличны к своим детям, но испытывают скуку и ощущение бесполезности после долгих лет нарциссических отношений.
• Вторая группа - это родители, которые смирились с тем, что ничего не могут сделать и страдают от депрессии и безнадежности.
• Третья группа - это стратегические родители, которые понимают, что такое нарциссизм, и готовы к трудностям, связанным с судебными процессами и принятием решений об опеке.
11:34 Советы для родителей
• Видео переходит к советам для родителей, которые хотят бороться за своих детей и свои права.
• Важно выбрать свои битвы и быть готовыми к тому, что справедливость не всегда будет достигнута.
• Также важно быть готовыми к тому, что нарциссические люди могут использовать деньги для контроля и манипулирования.
• Важно найти баланс между заботой о своих детях, финансовой стабильностью и борьбой с нарциссическими родителями.
• Видео заканчивается призывом к поддержке и осознанию того, что вы не одиноки в своих проблемах.