Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist | Borderline, Histrionic, & Dependent Traits
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- Опубліковано 28 кві 2024
- This video answers the question: How do you repel a vulnerable (covert) narcissist without repelling everyone? This can be a difficult task in the context of romantic relationships with narcissists, because narcissists are particularly effective at appearing attractive in early stages of romantic relationships.
Narcissism:
There are two types of narcissism: With grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like being extroverted, socially bold, self-confident, having a superficial charm, being resistant to criticism, and being callous and unemotional. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, a tendency to be introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, and shy.
😲 “The grandiose narcissist typically harms at a distance, while the vulnerable narcissist harms those who are closest” 💡💡💡💡 lightbulb moment for me! Thank you Dr Grande 🙏🏼
Grandiose harms in both ways actually
Qualified? Ha! Living with one is all the qualifying school that one needs
@@Stopnormalizingviolence- you’re the narc? Requiring diagnosis would likely not happen and it takes at least 9 months to diagnose. No narcissist is doing that much work.
Yep I'm dealing with the vulnerable one myself and have been for years started lessoning theses about a yr ago and they have helped me have the strength to leave. Unfortunately still dealing with him but I'm getting stronger every day
@@catrinalively7542 You’ve taken the first step already! You are opening your eyes and seeking help & knowledge !Be gentle with yourself , Narcs make you feel like you can’t trust your own inner voice .. you will choose the right choice at the right time .. Your instinct to be happy is because you know you deserve better! You can do it .. I believe in you.. And I’m proud of you
“You can't force someone to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.” “You will never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.” “Stay away from people who can't take responsibility for their actions and who make you feel bad for being angry at them when they do you wrong.”✨☘️🙏
Thank you so much for that comment! That's exactly what I needed to hear. Bless you 🕊
@@DaniKa1419 You're Most Welcome Daniella
Really hope & pray life's now treating you immensely well in more recent times
Please believe in Yourself & Keep The Faith
☘️✨🙏
@@evelina787 thank you, what a lovely person you are!!! May God bless you 💗
The covert narcissist is hard to identify because they seem so wonderful. They present themselves as being the perfect romantic partner. A fantasy partner. Then, once the hook is set, everything changes.
Yea 5 months meeting face to face they got physical. Seemed embarrassed and mortified. I felt bad for them when they said sorry.. Like wtf is THAT!
Yep. That happened to me. Black and white thinking.
That was my ex divorced finally after 32 years what a relief 😅
Constantly breaking up
My mother married one (2nd husband)... my childhood was not fun.
"Don’t do things for them they can do for themselves" a-1 advice doc. Thank you!
BAM, THANK YOU SO MUCH
I use that advice with my boss every single day. I remind him that I am not his mommy or his wife.
THIS ONE!!! i felt like a slave at some point
@@melfreemansgood for you for standing up for yourself! but worth noting that in 2023 wives aren’t meant to be servants either…
@@TireSlayer55 true!!!!
A vulnurable narcassist is a villain thats plays the victim so well.
Wandering Free definitely!
Be careful unmasking the individual though ... your life could be ruined.
Thunder Cat Absolutely. I know from first hand experience!
My mother.
Makes me want to cry because I just now figured this out regarding my ex girlfriend. Everyone thinks she's bpd, but she most reflects this disorder.
It’s all about pacing the relationship. It weeds out the insecure controlling and love bombing monsters
@SKYWALL Enterprise Maybe unhealthy coping strategies? If not fully narcissistic?
Oh my gosh yes! Say ‘no’ early on to see response. It’s so easy to be complacent and flexible early on when you’re infatuated, but it allows people without boundaries to fly under the radar until you’re invested.
@Nazar 26 same situation...you spoke my mind.....feels good knowing I'm not the only one
Nazar 26 Adding to what @SKOL said, which I agree with, Dr Grande has discussed having a few “traits” but that this doesn’t mean having the personality disorder.
@Nazar 26 i can relate To you. All you can do is accept you did those things, forgive yourself and do your best to repair relationships. Best of "luck" with you!
It is important to note that a narcissist can move from grandiose to vulnerable and back.
Yes...I knew!! someone like that!
this one is very accurate , ina matter of seconds they switch
It's a spectrum and about what they do most of the time. My wife is primarily vulnerable and covert. She doesn't get angry but she guilt trips like hell. She's also pretty damn arrogant, she's a little less bad in public, but the more comfortable she is the worse she gets. To hear her tell it she was the smartest kid in school.
@@IshtarNike Strange that she doesn't become enraged and outwardly aggressive as a vulnerable narcissist, or is she just high in traits/not pathological? My ex-w is a certified VNPD, and oh boy, does she loves her rage fits.. such an adorable little demon robot she is. I miss the chronic stress just as much as her sweet words of affection and encouragement... "I loathe you. You should end yourself"😌💭Memories, beautiful memories🎶
@@dreat7169I can't just switch whenever I want. Something would have to influence my sense of self worth and inflate my ego to a great extent.
Obligation is another tactic used by the vulnerable narcissist -- they'll do and say just about anything to make you feel obligated to them, everything from buying you gifts to taking you on expensive holidays to endlessly flattering you. That was a big red flag for me and actually made me feel defensive and uncomfortable. If that starts happening, back away!
Yes it happened to me often. They take you on expensive travels, and the particular person I'm talking about actually buy me a car. An expensive car. She came home, give me the keys and said 'its yours' it was the car I always wanted. No one has never done that mutch for me and I was scared because a week after that, she asked me to propose her. I never did. I propose her to pay for the car instead.
Look out for gifts that have hooks......I got two Narc's who practise gift giving with strings...to create the pretense of obligation. I had to tell them, "No more gifts on B-day or Xmas". Of course, they ignored that warning. It's one of their favorite games....and they don't have alot of creativity.
Oh yeah! My VN made me promise to travel back with her to her family's for every other holiday. Fine, I guess. Just so rigid. But then she double-dipped for the Fourth of July. I called her out and she guilt tripped me SO hard. I would never have been allowed to do that, but when she wanted it, it was COMPROMISE.
Typical stuck up american woman
Yes, be sure to rub away from someone giving you gifts and treating you nicely - because they're going to keep treating you nicely to trick you so that they can start treating you badly.
What kind of sick idiot listens to this and thinks it's sound advice?
"Keep debt balance zero with vulnerable narcissists." Lesson learned the hard way. I was so naïve back then to assume that a "friend" was kindhearted and caring because she gave me lots of gifts or souvenirs. Looking back, it was one of her tricks of trade as a VN: she only wanted to make me constantly owing to her.
Thank you, Dr. Grande.
Yep. My best friend is a vulnerable narc. I owe her $3,500🙄
In that I'm kinda invulnerable fortunately. I don't owe anybody a damn thing and nobody owes me a thing either. I offered because I wanted to, that's on me, and if you give me something is because you wanted to, and that's on you.
My mom is forever getting her heart broken for not getting favors and gifts reciprocated. I learned to not expect reciprocation watching her getting disappointed over and over
Yeah, watch out for level jumping and surprisingly generous gift giving but most importantly some discomfort on their part when you reciprocate the giving immediately. That discomfort shows that they have to have the upper hand in social relationships. They want you to worship them for their generosity and be in debt to them indefinitely. With this tactic of keeping a strict social ledger they will become very irritated and start making those tell-tale narcissitic barbs. Eventually the relationship will end with bad feelings on both sides but at least you didn't get sucked in for decades of this toxic bullshit.
Hard lesson learned here too, never accept anything from them because they feel like you owe them for it!
They are needy empty Abyss which you can never Fill- run for the HILLs!!!!!!!!
This was my mother. She scapegoated me, estranged me from my entire family. The abuse was absolutely horrible. I have complex ptsd but to now know what it was, that’s freedom.
Freedom how?
@@LuxMeow Freedom from the fact that you know, you are not the person the narcissist made you out to be. Yes you may have other mental issues that are either from the abuse or amplified by it, but that does not make you what they believe you are.
Believe me i know and have only become aware of this very recently as i have suffered severe mental torture, abuse and gaslighting from my own father for years. You would not believe the amount of people he has made truly hate me for the simple act of covering his own actions or his misinterpretations of who i am as a person, which has resulted in me constantly questioning my own existence of who i am, and i am at the point now that i cannot even bear to be in his company anymore. You have to understand how soul destroying this is to experience. It makes you feel beyond trapped and hopeless.
I have just started getting the ball rolling to try and get diagnosed with whatever mental issues i have (it is looking like i have either Aspergers or another for of autism, which would be high functioning in my case), and i am now 42 years old and have only just realised that some of the social/mental issues i have are not an everyday occurrence for most people, but when you have grown and adapted with it from a young age it is easy to miss.
I had suffered severe trauma (physical and mental, but not the other) as a young child as well for the most part of the first 15 years of my life, and this still affects me to this day, partly because i shut myself off from the world as it was the only way i could deal with it.
I just hope at my age there is something that can be done, but it is obvious the longer it is left the harder it is to overcome.
I hope you are feeling better now you are aware of the truth. I know how this feels from personal experience.
My mom too,she made sure to turn all my sisters against me . Knowing for sure that you aren't actually a problem is freeing in very many ways,you get time to analyze how their actions have affected you and what you can do to change that and stay away from them.
@@djnebuchanezzer I understand why you feel freedom. The mere knowing and understand what you were put through is going to give you a sense of freedom.
You can not be vulnerable to a vulnerable narcissist. He’ll take advantage of you! and try to manipulate you or the situation. A lot of information!!! Thank you! 🙏🏼
its like my "friend" waited untill my grandma was dyeing and unable to eat. when his mask came off blaming me for not feeding her and for mixing up flavors of yogurt in a shopping bag. and an even i like to call the diner from hell....
lol i put up with it that is the real joke haha. after watching my grandma and mom die infront of me.
you have to make the hard decisions in life and put your foot down early otherwise you suffer for years under a narcissists frazzled brain
yes! I did this and almost lost my life.
so will she!
You mean "they". Actually, the majority of Narcs in general are woman.
@@pisslord666 Absolutely. Met more female vulnerable narcissists than male.
Always fun drawing them in, then calling them out and rejecting them harshly.
Their face is always a picture.
This is so helpful. I've been in private practice for 13 years as a Marriage and Family Therapist and I have never heard any material on covert narcissists so accurate, succinct and helpful. I am super proud of you for getting 10k likes on this video alone!
Emily Chandler,You got a lovely smile 😊
From my experience, I'd add that you could politely & mildly criticize them. Their defensive reaction is often WAY out of proportion & if you do this once or twice, they'll start avoiding you.
Ad Astra yes it’s a way of getting them to show their true colours. But it’s also an opportunity for them to act victimised and exaggerate your criticism to others and play the splitting game. It depends on the scenario if it’s a good idea or not I think 😉😊
@@Leah_FC True, true! It does depend on who you're dealing with & the circumstances under which you cross paths with this person. I'd say I was considering a dating scenario, where you're trying to "screen" people. But, if you were within a work environment & so had ongoing relations with such a person, applying the "tactic" I've mentioned here, as you've pointed out, may cause, or set up, an ongoing issue. So tricky! Thanks ;)
Ad Astra yup exactly 😉
Even just expressing a different opinion and sticking to it will make them angry and defensive. They consider that to be you criticizing them even though you aren’t asking them to change their opinion.
@@jeansolano1762 True! It's really exhausting being around a person like that. HIGH maintenance, right?!
Very accurate.The key thing is to avoid bonding quickly, revealing too much about yourself in a short period . That doesn't provide a v.n. with information necessary to create a perfect soulmate illusion which is the most devious trap they set for you.Grandiose narcs are far less dangerous as their personalities are obvious for reasonable people.
Yes, in hindsight... one would have the insight not to be led quickly to intimacy and thus the dynamics could be averted. The whole Soulmate scenario actually occurred blindingly fast. My vulnerability in this area had zero defence... until now.
Yeah, if just the second husband of my mother would have done that. He is such a nice guy but she completely pulled him in and is now comfortably feeding off him and sucking him dry.
Oh so true.
I’m dealing with a family member. It’s interesting how many people go right to romantic partners. What if it’s the crazy landlady, a friend, an adult sibling?
Great advice. X was visibly enraged that I wasn't disclosing more personal information with him. He was talking about love and babies and marriage. We only dated three-is months! There is so much more OFF than on with these types and it's all easy to spot when you know what to look for and follow your instincts. Or just disagree/say no and see what happens 🤷🏾♀️
When I finally figured out that my friend was a covert narcissist I ghosted her. It totally worked. She just moved to the next willing actor in her movie.
I did this and do this....but they keep showing up !!!!
How did you identify her as a covert narcissist? I'm new to the subject and have a hard time drawing the line. Some articles say they quickly feel shame and are worried about their perceived status. But this feels pretty general and everyone has to some extent right?
@@emmie1176 it took me awhile to identify what her problem was. I had intuition that something about her was off but couldn’t put my finger on it. I’m a recovering codependent so it’s a work in progress and I still seem to attract narcissists. They become a little easier to identify over time. So really early on in our friendship she started crossing boundaries by asking me to help her with things like packing and moving stuff. She would always show up late while I was left waiting to help her with something. Then she felt comfortable enough to start treating me like her personal assistant without offering any sort of compensation. When I would say no she would keep trying to convince me to do it. When I stopped answering her calls she would gaslight my voicemail by saying things like “if you don’t want to do something you can just say no”. When I wouldn’t respond to her gaslighting she would get angry and say things like “I’m tired of not getting the respect I deserve”. She took a lot of benign comments personally and always had to address them to “set the record straight”. Also, she attracted or caused an incredible amount of drama in her life. There was always some sort of crisis and she was a perpetual victim of everyone, without taking any personal responsibility for her poor choices. On top of all of it she thought she was a really good person because she would drive a long way to drop off her recycling at a place that would take whatever it was when the local place wouldn’t take it. She was so exhausting. They usually move on when they feel that you’ve “disrespected” them because they’re so goddamn self important. She has zero friends and her family has distanced from her. That should’ve been my first clue.
Edit: I forgot to add that she immediately started texting me like 4 times every day asking my advice about things. She was also so paranoid that she would never disclose any real details about herself or what she was doing. It was the weirdest experience I’ve ever had with a “friend”.
Mine did the same, but whenever she happens to see me she pays me lip service about how she misses me although she never reaches out. I find it amusing now, but it really upset me when it first happened.
@@Springsdaisy I miss people but could never being myself to continually reach out to someone who isn't reciprocating it, but if I saw them and said that I missed them, that wouldn't make it any less true
Thanks so much for this topic. I am usually a magnet for narcissists and especially for the covert vulnerable narcs that hook me with their sob stories and fake niceness. I definitely want to repel those creatures the minute I identify them instead of continuing to be prey for them!!!
that fake niceness... oh yes. Blew a facade of a covert recently .. underneath was a completely different person.
Test no1
Do you want to hear about my sob story? Don't worry I'm very nice.
Why are you a magnet? People with trauma and disorders of that kind of flashlights to each other. I don't associate with nurotypicals and everyone I've had a personal relationship were less or more so dysfunctional and emotionally unstable.
So true about hurting the ones they are very close to. Street angel house devil! Friends think they are wonderful & kind. All the while they are leading a whole double life no one knows about!
J G so true! Even their parents are different people when they are not around.. The parents being very complient when the narc is around and more themselves when the narc leaves the room.. i feel bad for them, they can do nothing right and they mean so well. I wish my parents were that nice, and meant well in general..
With these people, don't let the great taste fool you.
mine was a nurse, a career she had always wanted because it makes you look caring & altruistic. In private she physically assaulted me.
J G:
Yes, a double life for sure. Terrible behind closed doors, then they put on a face to the outside world to see and cons them while that fake face is on. In reality they are bad and abusive people. They say that these types are tormented inside.
Well I don't feel bad for them one little bit because they try to blame us for it and then make it our problem. They should be put away in mental hospitals.
Thats a fact !
Timestamps for your benefit:
1. Do not do things for the VN 8:12
2. Do not let them volunteer to help you if they are inauthentic 8:54
3. Do not move a relationship into a physical level quickly 9:56
4. Letting them know where they stand 11:20
5. Don't seek assistance from the VN 12:51
6. Responses which convey rejection will repel a VN 16:35
Thank you
Does anybody like rejection whether they are vulnerable narcissists or not? I can’t stand rejection. It’s the worst feeling in the world.
@@annoravetz5908 it's not about liking or disliking rejection. It's about not being able to handle even a little hint of rejection. Like, they call you out of blue and want to hang out the same day. When you say that you can't, they take it personally, as if you rejected them, they can't think that you had other things to do and the chances that you would be available if they didn't tell you before were low. Or another example, they offer to pay for you in the cafe. You don't want to accept, they think that you reject them, their entire personality and even humiliate them. You see where I'm going, right?
Nicely done
Could you please cut the kindling bundles in half, I know it's too late tonight, but maybe in the morning before you come to town and we can go sell them to choms before heading to the mill?
"Don't allow them to help when they're not genuine."
Omg this my NDad CONSTANTLY offers to 'help' but it's always just a way to get supply or be able to hold it over my head later on.
He'll offer to buy me things, he'll offer to lend me money even though I have been financially independent for many years.
When myself and my husband were getting married he kept offering to pay for things but I refused because I KNEW ,(from experience) that if he had a financial foot in the door he was going to start trying to control the event by holding his money hostage.
He told me you could have a perfectly nice wedding for $500 so I doubt he would have given us much money anyways but it's the principle of the matter
Ditto. But mine would do it without my knowledge sometimes. "Here, let me help you with College" *four years later* "Oh, you thought I was paying for your college? Here's the bill with all the interest worked out year on year."
My dad told me to go ahead and arrange my mum's funeral!! His wife's!!! Then, was furious when he got the bill. I was totally confused, as I thought I was doing him a favour. He expected me to pay for it.
Same! My dad did the same thing. Now he’s trying to offer to help me pay for something i really need and i instantly am wondering what it is that he wants from me. I wish I could accept his offers as kindness but I refuse to believe that he just changed like that. He can’t do anything for anyone unless there is a benefit for his ego.
The part at the end about him wanting to offer to pay for something big but then making up the excuse that it’s too expensive through some fault of your own as a way to step out of the offer he made is my N Father to the core
Yes. Wolf in sheep's clothing. Covert narcissists often hook you in with a superficial victim-like stance. Once you're stuck in the web, they pounce when you wriggle or try to escape.
yes they love to play the victim
I have finally identified the 'game'that has had many shapes over many years between a daughter and me . I am provoked and defend myself .Then it's like turning over an omelette , and l am accused of being unkind , negative , etc . I affirm my love and am bombarded more . Isay 'enough' and feel rotten .
But is my child .
Excellent description wolf 🐺 in sheeps 🐑 clothing 👌
Block and delete.
Acknowledge you had a part to play in your mental anguish.
Start to repair character defects that made you a victim.
Start to reduce emotional flash backs.
Build healthy relationships with clear boundaries.
When it's been your entire life, it's way more complex to break ties. When it's a parent and going no contact is the only way and you have no other family, life is brutal. Everything makes sense to me now but where was this in the education system. I believe I was even bullied or had 'admirers' and stalkers like this in and out of highschool. The amount of disordered people surrounding me must be up there with record breaking quantities. A bright light in a cave filled with monsters. When I was a teen I would have nightmares about my mom and later on my ex and would switch to my mom. I've gone no contact and it's the only way she can't do more damage. One time she even told me she thinks I need to get away from her, my ex said the same (as in for my own survival). In some weird way I think they both cared about me but couldn't love. Heartbreaking for everyone.
I'm wondering if my mother was a vulnerable narcissist. I know my ex girlfriend is.
Math D:
Block and delete is more of what the Narcissist does after inflicting abuse. They don't care - and think nothing of it to do it again and again- So- The ole' Block and Delete' and not take responsibility for it, is more their style.
@@LuxMeow
I appreciate your story. And many people probably wouldn't believe that so many can really surround a person like us. But it's TRUE !
@@LuxMeow
I also wonder where it was in our education system too. It's like they didn't know diddly - squat then...
Now everything make sense in my mind. A week ago, I broke up from as it seems a covert narcissist. During this I could almost feel that something was off with the way she was loving me. 90% of what has been said about the covert narcs came true during the 1,5 years of my relationship. But at that time, it was hard for me to understand, I was constantly trying to convince myself that everything is ok, all couples do that. Simultaneous though I was having feelings of even more increasing low self esteem and loneliness. My needs within the relationship were starving. Fast forward days before the end, I managed to see all the bul**** behind her behavior and thus suddenly stopped completely responding to her lovely words. Then the masks dropped and as if she realized that I got her sneaky ways, she ejected herself and doing it with so much ease. While heartbroken, at least I am in a position now to understand myself even better. I have recognized now my flaw and it has a name, Codependency. It is a matter of time this beast within me to be kneeled.
7 years into the worst period of my life while being married to a VN. I never even knew such a thing existed. Codependency, loneliness, low self esteem, heartbreaks, I am living it all, brother. It all makes sense now. God Bless.
Such a rude awakening. Wish you all healing.
Yes! I love your comment! You have been shown the truth and given freedom! It is nearly divine as an experience - I hope you find what to be thankful for during the tragic beauty of healing!
I felt as if I was writing these words myself or you read my journal. I’m dealing with the heartbreak of choosing wrong. And realizing that I guess I’m codependent as I’m seen the pattern of the two men I actually gave my all too. I feel sick to my stomach literally almost every day since the veil came off my eyes after he took his mask off a year ago but I still didn’t understand or had an answer and kept just working on me. Weak, debilitating and annoyed is how I feel . I keep telling myself that it took him 4 years to tear me up slowly so of course I can’t pick myself up victorious in a month. But I want to so bad. I married him. So I’m staying on one side of the house and leave when his here. It’s refreshing to at least be able to identify his tactics now as before I was confused and overwhelmed.
Same. Ticks every box for me. 4 years in a relationship with one, in the last year I figured something's very wrong with her behavior, also mine (couldn't recognize myself anymore, low self esteem, completely drained both physically and mentally, worsened overall health). Dodged a bullet there, cause I planned to marry her. She also ejected herself just like that and after 2-3 weeks found a replacement/new supply, probably had it lined up already. Two months after that, I heard she found yet another one. They never change and it's all a cycle for them. Did some counseling, also Prof. Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon videos helped me a lot (deep and profound knowledge, the best available out there, a strong recommendation), also watched Dr. Grande's videos for detailed stuff/finesses, for future "self defense". Be aware who you let close to you and identify them on time. All the best.
Vulnerable (Covert) narcs tend to have substance abuse issues, and this gives their victims the impression that their narcissism is rooted in the substance abuse at first. When the truth comes out, it is often after the victim is sucked into the narc's chaos.
Grandiose: superficial charm sucks folks in, a bit of a trick
Vulnerable: the injured bird that will heal and fly away in a few days,
fast forward,
the injured bird is still injured, and it is the fault of all other birds, hunters, rainy skies and every other damn thing gets blamed for why this injured (not really) bird is still grounded.
So basically, a kind of "angry bird"?
I am picking up to understand narcissism and it seems they are all around or maybe I am also one of them.!!
Not necessarily addicted to substances. I know 2 that are just bitter and envious of everyone they feel has higher status than they do. Maybe they're addicted to materialism and using people.
Yes. And then you try to blame the addiction. Are they a narcissist or is it the addiction? Then you read a hundred books on addiction amd a hundred books on narcissism. Because you don't want them to be one its horrible
Yup mine was addicted to weed. She was SO nice on weed. She was the girl I had wanted her to be. But she HAD to have it.
As a vulnerable narcissist, I really hated it when people didn’t consider my ideas, I got certificates, degrees, completed my tasks, and improved the departments, offered to help out, etc., and then I was continuously passed over and ignored and rejected for promotions. I learned to lower my expectations from work. My mother gave me the best advice: Just take your paycheck and go home.
@@davidbuchholz9594 Yeah my friend right now says I am always talking about myself. I am either 100% about others, and I get hurt and disappointed when I get nothing in return, or I get 100% about myself, and people hate that because it’s being self-centered. You are right. Stop trying. I was in a group session, long ago, and the ladies said, “You’re doing too much, and it turns you into a monster.”
This sounds like so many God damn mind games Jesus
@@annoravetz5908 My tip as a person who got abused by a covert narcissist throughout my childhood and developed the opposite personality type. I think we're all supposed to be selfish, whether you're a narcissist or not. Work on developing empathy for selfish reasons. The nr. 1 benefit to have empathy is a sense of connection to others. It's literally a feeling you feel in your chest. It feels good even if the other person doesn't 'give anything in return'. You'll start feeling it when you build your empathy and it becomes something you're skilled at.
Over time, naturally there are a lot of benefits too since you will genuinly like other people. And that will show in your smile, in your presence and other people will genuinly like you too.
Just focus on putting yourself in other people's shoes at least once a day and make it a continuous practice. I'm not a vulnerable narcissist but I imagine that if I would be, I 'd feel an overwhelming amount of loneliness. Because you can't afford to have people know exactly who you are and how you feel since they'd repel you. Build some empathy and character that you're proud to show off to others
Recovering VN here.
It’s tough out here especially coming to the table with hurt feelings.
Getting honest with my hurts and recognizing no one is perfect helps.
ENFORCING personal boundaries so I lead the life that’s right for me.
@@davidbuchholz9594 I am kind of arriving there myself. I dont know if I am a VN but probably AM. My mother is grandiose my father was too and alcoholic, my two sisters definitely are of course I didnt come out of that household without a truck load of issues too. And I agree, isolation, and videos and books and I do 12 step meetings too, but basically keep out of trouble trying to work on myself. Cant afford a 2-300 a hour therapist with my salary. Fuck it. Give up lol. Its not like I said when I grow up I want to be a vulnerable narcissist. yay me. It would be nice to come from a healthy functional family and have my head on straight. But I didnt win that lottery. There is so much info on you tube now, its so helpful. If you cant afford a therapist you can learn about IFS and do it yourself and ACA zoom meetings are super helpful for me. thats all I got right now lol. Good luck
Thank you yet again. Good grief, hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had understood this 10 years ago.
Hindsight sure is 20/20 ! But when you realize it, it's traumatic.
Wish I'd known 32 years ago.
NeuroPsych Roberts Same here
It’s better late than never & never would have been too late
so we’re the fortunate ones
Yup, lucky to be away after 25 yrs
Interesting!! In my early 50s now, I have been trying to undo my decades-long fear of "owing people something." I learned at some point that people will use having done me a favor against me, and that is a hard lesson to just learn - and then learn from.
Can relate. My ex wore me down to open up and accept help as I really needed it but I had a super hard time anyone close after family abandonment. Then made me regret it. I still am haunted by it. It was the worst time of my life and he was supposed to be my partner - yet he was playing with my mind and pride and well-being. I almost died and I’m still not myself. Sick people.
I'm in kind of a marathon of Dr Grande's vulnerable narcissism's vids now.
I totally agree, and have found this to be true on many levels throughout life. Never trust, feel sorry for, be charmed by, or give them hope of a chance with you. Even the smallest thing they do for you in an endless debt. They travel by stealth, so be level-headed. I learned from an early age within my family never to be indebted to them. I had to learn from so young not to let them see your hurt. It excites them. However, i didn't know what i was dealing with. When i found it had a name, it all fell into place. Just wish I'd known decades earlier.
I wanna "repel" everything narcissist! Grandiose or vulnerable!
What did I do to you? There's no advice online for what im supposed to do. I didn't ask to be like this
@Gemma Dann I'm a covert narcisst and at this point in my life I was taking the news very badly
@@jimmothypakistan5223 he said not to engage with them. Don't do things for them (don't feel sorry for them) because that is how they draw you in.
@@thetrainwreck1469 fair but still it would be nice to have resources available for aspd as we still exist.
When you said "isn't it natural to be able to repel the narcissist?" it got me thinking. I think people with a healthy childhood and self-esteem are naturally able to be repelled by narcissists, they just seem to be able to sense that something is off about this person, whereas the rest of us with cluster B parents are kind of screwed. I know I could pick a narcissist from a crowd (unfortunately, and I keep falling for it. Hopefully I"ll get better with time). My narcissistic ex kept saying "I'm so good, it's hard to believe I'm not more sought-after/recruited/noticed by other people. It's like a lot of people don't get me or don't want to be around me. It's so weird". At the time I thought he was the cat's ass so I agreed with him "yes, that IS hard to believe". Now I get it - people who are mentally healthy do NOT want to be around them. I also think the ideas suggested in the beginning of this video are very good, but the other ones are of limited use because I think they would repel everyone - not just V.N.'s.
Speaking as being someone clinically diagnosed with narcissism, I can confirm these are highly effective strategies. My levels of narcissism luckily aren't that high to the point of no space for self-reflection. Your videos are much appreciated! However I sometimes tend to feel a little bit attacked by the accuracy of your descriptions, they help me detecting the toxic traits in my behaviour & change!
People that know me on any level other than intimate, will argue that I do not meet the criteria for narcissism at all. Initially, I was tempted to agree. However, the difference between vulnerable and grandiose narcissism characterizes the 'act' I play to not come over as arrogant on first sight. It's a tricky diagnosis, and although it might be hard, please don't dismiss a person's chance of developing just because he shows symptoms of narcissism. It's a mental condition, not a fixed personality!
It depends on the severity - in many narcissists, there is very little in their personality other than the disorder. Many grandiose of narcissists are like this. It's impossible for them to change and most don't want to anyway.
I smell bull
@@spiderok8663 good nose!
I don't believe 'personality' can change; a person may adapt thier behavior or even beliefs to better 'fit in' or to get what they want easier in any given situation, but at the end of the day stripes are stripes and spots are spots... A lion can hunt alone, or in groups. They can hunt at night or during the day. They can ambush or chase, but bottom line: the lion's gonna eat!!
I didn't hear Dr. Grande cover this, but I believe the worst thing you can do is let them know that you figured out the difference between spots and stripes!! Employ these strategies for your own safety and piece of mind but do not ever tell them you 'sniffed them out'!!
I applaud your effort and initiative. It's TRUE some cant change bc they dont have self reflection (and have developed as defense mechanism to protect themselves as they insecure) and empathy but if this two things are working on and theres radical acceptance of oneself and self love (not egotism or ego) it can happen. You will definitely get there. You seem to work hard to identify and have radical acceptance and working on accountability. I've not had npd but did have some narcissistic traits and I've worked thru them same as my depression and anxiety to now lead a healthy, peaceful life. I keep working on stuff but im no longer in such dark mental space so I believe a person can change. Wish you the best 🖤 hope u doing well
“With the vulnerable narcissist it’s really about failure to create a relationship in the first place…“
That seems so true and useful. I now see that my friend treats his narcissistic mother-in-law exactly this way. She’s desperate to form a friendship or bond with him, and he’s a deliberately closed door. It’s intelligent. This woman is exhausting, and a meddler, complete yenta.
I also think not letting mixed type narcissists in your life is important. Grandiose/Vulnerable… Don’t let them talk about your Medical concerns, don’t let them boss you or demand ridiculous things of you or go along with their little plans, just don’t… Period. Say no.
DEET? 😉 The Vulnerable Narcissist is *far* more difficult to identify, repel *or* dislike (initially). Especially when they have a chronic physical disorder (Diabetes, for example) and have "confided" in you. This is absolutely accurate, objective and extremely helpful information, Dr. Grande. Thank you! 🌹🐯
I feel like they are easy to identify just think of someone who even though they have a great job and a privileged life style yet they complain forever about anything and everything, they turn themselves into the center of the conversation with their "issues" "illnesses". At least the grandiose narcissist it is more fun to hang out with because they have no apparent "problems."
@@passionatebraziliangirl.4801 Well said!
They are the sneakiest and most difficult to call out.
The BPD “vulnerable” type narcissist can definitely harm you from a distance too.
Mine likes to ring my friends, family, workmates and even the Police to lie about me in an effort to destroy me.
So they have both BPD and vulnerable narcissism? That sounds tough to deal with.
Yes. Throw in Avoidant, psychotic, dissociative, and immobilised by fear at times. They can harm you from a distance. Gaslighting is abuse of the worst kind.
Oh my word yes! That is exactly what my husband does! I had to get the police to him many times due to his aggression, and this last time they told him he needs to sort himself out and told him to stay elsewhere. But I could hear what he was saying to them about me and it was such twisted truth! Eg "She won't let me go on the internet!" But he didn't tell them that after almost 5 years of being on it constantly he managed to clock up a £40,000 debt! And I went through evil arguments to stop him going on it.. although actually he still would if I was next to him. Even then he kept managing to spend!
He also told them that we never go anywhere. But he didn't say that we can't because he spends £500 a month on booze and fags!
He is still staying at his parents because he doesn't want to "bow down to me!"
But last night he was even phoning my daughter to get her to pity him and take sides with him. He didn't once acknowledge a single thing she told him he had done. He just skated straight onto the next point he thought he could pull me down for! She ended up telling him it wasn't fair to phone her to have a bitching session about her mum. So he put the phone down.
And he has done that phoning my friends and family thing for years! I didn't know it was a narc thing to do! It's good to know others understand these things.
They use the police like a 7 year old tries to use mom and dad to get at a sibling.
Sounds like my dad
I feel like I owe you. A third of my life I was captive to a narcissist she's now going to prison for doing all the things she was projecting onto me it wasn't until you explained it that I could finally put my mind at ease knowing I I now have an understanding. It brings a lot of peace to my life to have this knowledge and now I feel like I'm much better prepared for whatever the world has in store for me.
God was the only one who helped me get out of that mindset. Best of luck recovering bro there are good people out there
17 years with a vulnerable narc. Ending it now. I've found so much helpful information. It's not easy but I'd cut off body parts to get rid of her at this point. Fortunately I still have all my body parts and likely will be able to keep them.
That over assumption of intimacy and declaring relationship status that doesn’t exist have been miserable traps I wished I’d been brave enough to challenge and correct when it started. In hindsight I’d rather offend a coworker and put up with appearing a little mean, rather than get suckered into earning their paycheck for them and having to figure out how to extricate myself from doing that under the guilt trip litany of sob storying. I’d prefer to never make that mistake again! I have quit jobs over this situation. This helped me zero in on critical times I need to be aware of the need for me to speak up and assert my boundaries.
It is an incredible relief to get away from the narcissist in my life! I truly had PTSD for quite awhile afterward; live and learn. I can spot a narcissist quickly now, fortunately.
I so understand what you're talking about! Yes, you need some recovery time. It's like you've been run over by one of those road asphalt flattening machines. No joke.
@@diane9247 I want to know that feeling...just woke up after 40 years...now it's clear? all the chronic, serious health issues...emotionally dead...spiritually in need...financially broke....
Yes, even their phrases are predictable. I see them immediately and I can tell they know I know. Totally worth the pain the trauma and resurfaced truth caused, free now
I totally relate - it took years of recovery fro me from the trauma I suffered at the hands of two NPD romantic relationships. I feel the same way - I learned a lot and I am getting so much better at spotting them; however VN’s are very difficult to spot initially cause they’re sneaky.
Yes, I too suffered a ptsd event. So hard. I was on the brink of checking into a hospital. It came from a single event that crossed lines and inflicted a cognitive dissonance that was based on the big lie and inside out reality. I am a repeat sufferer of this kind of an event and it took me back to my own childhood trauma...
I was in a friendship with what I now think is a vulnerable narcissist. She shared with me the types of abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother, obviously looking for sympathy, although the abuse was very real. I felt empathy; my mother did the same to me (I joked that we seemed to have had the same mother), so I shared with her my own issues and how I found help both in private counseling and by taking "The Forum" by Landmark Education, which caused a paradigm shift and a complete change in my personality. I was simply sharing in case something struck a cord with her and she wanted additional info. I could she that she was in pain--I had felt that pain myself--and I so wanted her to find peace, happiness, and joy in her life. She didn't want to know about it, so I dropped it, but the mistake was already made. It became obvious over time that she resented that I had handled the bulk of my childhood issues to the point where decades later I took care of my mother while she had dementia without getting triggered in the least. Of course, I'm not perfect or issue-free, because although my mother didn't trigger me, this new narcissist in my life did. Over time, she would fly into rages so bad, I feared I might suffer physical abuse (luckily she stopped short of that). I couldn't figure out what was triggering her at first, but I finally realized it was whenever I was saying something positive about another person or when talking positively about a goal I achieved. I was walking on eggshells around her. She was also verbally abusive toward her husband on many occasions, expecting me to jump in with her, however I never did. In fact, I always defended him, "No, he's not ugly, in fact, he's a handsome older gentleman," and she didn't like that at all. I started to set clearer boundaries (at least as best one can with a narcissist), and she has dropped me from her life... thank God. However, I'm still tied up in knots over her manipulations. Wondering how long before I disengage mentally from this mess of a person? I need to screen potential friends better... lol.
Sandra Gifford,You don’t need a narcissist in your life!
Isn't Landmark associated with Scientology????
It has absolutely nothing to do with scientology.
The Being Authentic About Helping you tip is huge. Looking back at my relationship with a potential narcissist, she said, "if you need anything just ask," a whole lot. What I realized over time was "anything" was actually nothing when I actually needed something.
I wasn’t aware of vulnerable narcissism overlapping with HPD and DPD. Interesting video, thanks for sharing!
I didnt know until now vulnerble narcs are not anything like NPD, yet more BPD. Thhis clears up a lot of the generalized missed targets Ive seen typically only about Grandiose.
I told my clinical psychologist about your videos. I hope she looks you up and watches them too. I like how your videos are very logical, clearly presented with references to the dsm. One can always learn more.
Suzy Q,You look gorgeous 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
I’m already in a “debted” relationship with a v. n. It’s exhausting to say the least-I’ve been struggling to survive emotionally and mentally. There’s so much valuable information and insight here.... more than can be embraced from a video. I’m arming myself with the information, advice and insights from your channel Dr Grande-thank you for this. Also, thank you to those who share in the comment section. I’m shocked but drawn to many of the comments. I never expected to discover so many individuals who can relate to what I’m going through.
It’s incredible isn’t it? I rarely find my experiences to have much resonance with most people, but when it comes to narcissism, the patterns are eerily familiar.
If you are still there you have to just get rid. I was with one it was hell. I'm 2 years free and I wish I'd done it sooner. It is a waste of time they will drain you they don't give a damn about you its like banging head against brick wall. I urge you to run I know everyone says that to people in abusive situations but it's the only solution
@@lena-Ramone thank you I should maybe have run but instead I waited until I could act not react with respect and compassion and openness. (That’s where I went wrong)
So I thought we “agreed” since he said so. Now I know, never ever trust their word especially the vulnerable narcs I’ve lived with both and find the covert narc to be the most deceitful and scared, and therefore the most dangerous. So anyway i told him….this just isn’t working for all the reasons we’d discussed/argued over the past 4
years.
All narcs immediate response is paranoia and fear and revenge no matter what mask they put forth.
But still when he “agreed”
with the plan of slowly moving forward & I set myself and my grandson towards independence. By setting up a personal sleeping & office space to gradually join the workforce. He said yes he was on board to compassionately gradually unentangle our lives gently
and see where we decided to go from there.
So, He waited planning behind my back completely unknown to me. Then in a matter of two days, while I was finally feeling proactive and relieved as I felt falsely assured that he was in agreement with my new boundaries and future plans to find myself again, he ran away in the night.
Left us with nothing, but what I could fit into a small storage container.
He made sure I had no money, took my car which was a gift, closed MY bank account and canceled all my credit cards.
My precious grandson had to move in with other family members-for which I’m grateful.
I had raised my grandson to 15 and that alone was my goal-to not allow a child to lose another home, family, school or friends especially in the midst of Covid.
But my fiancé ripped us apart on purpose and left me as helpless as he possibly could.
Its been both incredible and terrifying for me to face the fall out.
I’m still on my journey to self actualization, still
growing up into my power finally even tho I’m
59. I know for a fact my best days are ahead.
But we’re post emancipation already two years and he only contacts my family ever once in a while….
Coward
Won’t even talk to me on the phone-thankfully because I have nothing to say to him. He’d rather play games of hide and seek manipulating games through text so I shut that down THE day he left.
Like so many id already had some insane calamity in my life and used my old ways to cope that we’re effective enough to keep me from ending it ☠️but apparently this is THE actual turning place for me.
I still ride the struggle bus about 30-50% of the time., which is HUGE progress considering I was knocked right off my center of misery (with him) into the worst dark night of my life.
Feeling the fear and shame and loss of self identity and frozen like I’ve only been in my youth.
I asked for months and months on end, “who WAS I when I was with him and who the hell am I now?
And believe me I’ve been through some hard stuff before.
In the end-well at this juncture of my life, I am beyond grateful that he left.
Even the way he did it was
Perfect for me and now I know even for my grandson. ❤️
@@Mrsjustheretolearn I think they are very competitive covert narcissists. I barely think about my ex I don't see myself as victim but survivor ... hope you're okay xx
@@lena-Ramone yes competitive! I saw that but didn’t expect him to race me to the exit. 😉 I’m well very well, thank you for commenting.
This is my mom. It’s terrible knowing she’ll never change. Completely oblivious to her actions. Destroyed our family and ran family members into the grave, all the while feeling like she is the victim.
Yes, with narcs there's always something "wrong" with everybody else. Accountability and self-reflection are very uncomfortable for them, so they gaslight, manipulate, lie, deflect, project, and place blame and judgment on others.
They thrive off gossip, drama, chaos, and the pain of other people, so you can’t share personal information with them, or show emotions or react. They’re completely untrustworthy.
I agree with the tactics described to repel the vulnerable narcissist. The problem lies in recognizing the narcissistic personality early on - which is difficult, since their manipulative and disagreeable traits don't emerge until you get to know them, especially if they are intelligent.
Sometimes these people can appear as very empathetic and endearing, and use this to draw you in. Often, they have been to therapy and have some insight into their own behavior - in other words, they know which parts of themselves to hide from you.
Once you are in their web, a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist is down-right confusing and crazy-making - all the time you are second-guessing yourself and walking on egg-shells, wondering where things went so horribly wrong....
I am married to a vulnerable narcissist- have been in counseling for 2 years dancing around these issues but not taking them head on. I am gathering thoughts (these videos are an invaluable help!) to bring into our next session. I think my wife finally realizes I am figuring this out- she has repeatedly stated that another counseling session ‘won’t help’. With regard to empathy, I have noticed a correlation - the less challenge someone is to her the higher her empathy level. She shows the most empathy for pets and baby animals- the least challenging things in the world. She has zero empathy for me especially since I have started standing up to her more. With our kids she can show empathy when they are not challenging her, but once they do that goes out the window and she becomes a monster. It’s tough, but there is a great deal of relief if having started to realize what the issue is.
Spot on !
Sounds JUST like my ex. The pets/children thing for sure. Very interesting.
I’m sorry for all parties. One thing I’d caution (see my post). Your wife didn’t choose the personality. And that catching on you mentioned, that is her subconscious not her conscious. The atypical behaviors and such are subconsciously driven and were unaware that it’s abnormal. I’d definitely try to lean in with compassion and trying to find if you haven’t already, the origins for how she developed this type of personality. Hoping the best for you and your family.
I know I'm late to this but here's my personal contribution.
My sister is a narcissist and harmed me deeply in 2014-15. ( I won't get into the terrible things she did due to PTSD)
She recently called me on my birthday, actually a belated birthday, to wish me good will.
I almost slipped and let her in my life again by wanting to discuss a horrid thing a relative said to me the day before my other sister's funeral. I stopped myself due to the realization that SHE was the source of why this ugly thing was said. I immediately went grey rock and didn't return her calls. SMH!
I am catnip for vulnerable narcissists. I’m overly empathetic and it took me until my mid twenties to realize the red flags of narcissism. I just see the good in people and it’s hard for me to push people out that I have already let in to my life. At one point last year I had 3 BPD and NPD predators posing as friends or lovers at one time and my other friends and family commented that I looked like a shadow of my lself. I wasn’t eating working or smiling because I was so broken down. I couldn’t even take the space to think about what was happening. I felt like I was in a cult where the leader convinces the members that everyone outside of the cult is out to get them. All of them were trying to turn me against the others but they were all crappy people in their own way. Eventually I cut out all of them slowly over time. But omg I am traumatized now. It’s takes 2 weeks for these people to attach themselves to you and what feels like a lifetime to get them to leave you alone. I’m only 28 and I feel like after that experience I became an introvert who relishes in alone time.
Damn, same story with me but it took me until 39. ugh
Is there a way to talk to you in private? I want to hear more about your experience
This is so spot on. I have 2 vulnerable narcs in my life, both female, and every time I successfully manage to create a chasm between us, they get agitated and complain that I'm not in touch, and one of them actually just shows up at my house without invitation.
That's your opportunity to be cold, have a prior engagement and close the door.
Everyone NEEDS TO CALL FIRST
Great advice. Looking back on my relationship with my covert boyfriend there were MANY red flags ie not one friend and absolute disinterest in making friends. Aggressively asking if I 'loved him yet' when I only knew him for 3 weeks (as I was refusing to rush into sex) mirroring, love bombing, anger at anyone with a higher position than him at his work. Could NEVER apologise or take any responsibility for ANY wrongdoing no matter how minor. Told me aggressively that women told him he was their greatest lover when I didn't feel like sex (In reality having sex with him was very bland and void of intimacy) obsessed with his looks and clothes , and so many more. The day after we broke up he had a new girlfriend who he had in backup , and then went onto a new relationship a month or two later and tried to Hoover me to be his backup for that relationship!!! I told him I thought he was a covert narcissist and he vanished! I think he might be aware that he is a covert but me saying it to him was way too much for him to bare.
Kylie Nolan sounds eerily similar to the person I was in a relationship with.
@@cherylrock3612 probably was lol I met him on a dating app, looking back I think he was still very active on the dating sites when he and I were exclusive searching for new supply and keeping old supply in reserve. Also at the end of it I realised I never really knew much about him - Because he was like a chameleon , he became everything he thought I wanted , wanted the same goals, same hobbies etc. Also I don't think there actually was much to know about him because he was kind of empty, there was no depth - which I wonder if that is another giveaway of a covert?
So what if the person I’m with told me I’m a covert Narc and I haven’t completely left because I have guilt co/dependency issues. I have tried to ghost him/ignore him/end the relationship and have pretty much told him I don’t think I’m in love anymore after he has told me over and over I have BPD and am a covert Narc and everytime we get into a argument he throws that I’m a covert Narc constantly. It’s made me resent him diagnosing me and Constantly talking about bpd and he has a psychology background btw. He’s Not a psychologist. But knows a lot. Anyway, I know I have mental health struggles, anxiety, panic attacks and depression but I had never been diagnosed with BPD by any dr. I have been with This person for almost 10 years. I met him when I was going through a separation/divorce. He’s the one that approached me and perused me more. I was interested but he lied by saying he was in a similar situation but he made it seem like he lived with a girlfriend not a wife. he then 2 months later he told me she was pregnant and I stayed with this guy for years while he was still married and I didn’t want to. I felt guilt and bad for the wife and it caused me literal hell. To love and hate this person at the same time at what he was putting me through by not letting me go or move on since he was staying married and staying he said till the child was old enough. He said he didn’t want to abandon his child which I understood. But I’m starting to wonder if this caused me to become like BPD or caused trauma for me and we have a trauma bond now and I can’t leave or get him to leave. I don’t know who can help me with this. I’ve tried counseling and trying to get help. But haven’t gotten the right advise or help:(
What I don’t understand is if he’s in the psychology field and he actually thinks I’m a covert Narc or BPD why he would want to be with me still?!
I have asked him this. His response is you can’t choose who you fall in love with.
Light Bulb! Met Xnarc when he saw me cutting a tree. He said, "looks like you need a tall guy to trim that tree for you". Don't except their help!
Exactly around this time last year he inserted himself into my life. We had just gotten into it and I woke up in the morning and he was doing yardwork. It was I think the second time that we had been intimate and had met less than a month earlier... I wasn’t thinking it would be a serious relationship and thought he was so impractical and sappy. And I hadn’t asked for help! Even though I needed it.. and still do. But it haunts me and I’m scared of everyone now
These strategies really do work! People have to understand that EVERYTHING that happens between a vulnerable narcissist and a normal person is TRANSACTIONAL, all these strategies fall into place naturally. My narc MIL called me one day to invite herself over and *help* me with preparing the house prior to our twins's arrival, and I replied "No thank you. My friends are already coming over to help me with that." In other words, "You are not my friend, I can manage without being told what to do and I don't want to owe you anything."
Thanks for this good analysis. Could you do a video addressing daughters who have narcissistic mothers, the problems this causes and ways to overcome these?
This is a huge problem! And I rarely see it addressed. Great idea
@@joseenoel8093 I'm thankfully decades away from those years and put in a great deal of work on matters such as self-esteem, boundary setting, assertiveness to name a few which those who've experienced such 'parenting' have to learn to regain mental health and to avoid the 'people-pleasing' tendency - making us a target for other narcissists, too - that otherwise results. I eventually went into working as a psychologist and see a lot of women who're struggling to deal with the same issue, so I'm interested in Dr. Grande's opinions on this important area. I'm sorry you have also dealt with a narcissistic mother, and hope you're able to heal from the abuse. And I agree that, whenever possible, no contact is the healthiest option!
Omg yes parental narc abuse is the worst
I'd really, really like to see a video about parents who are narcissists and how their adult children might be able to enforce boundaries and act in a way that assists positive mental health. This is something I'm dealing with, and so are many others.... it gets worse when the rest of the family has (understandably) broken contact with narcissist and you're carrying the load alone because you don't want your father to die alone. But the constant daily emotional demands of the narcissistic parent leave you feeling exhausted and thinking "This will only end when one of us dies, and I could never harm another person so suicide might be the only option. He could live two more years, he could live twenty more year, and I can't live the rest of my life this way." PS I'm far past the suicide idea and in therapy, but there's a lot of people out there who are in this situation who could benefit from more information about narcissistic parents and setting boundaries.
@@BeKazzled77 There's indeed many struggling with feeling forced to remain in contact if not actually looking after older narcissists parents. My request was about women who grew up with narcissistic mothers as it's a topic not well addressed by most online and so many women deal with the effects and trying to heal from the abuse.
This is a fantastic video, but yes it may also repel others who are looking on who don’t understand why you are creating distance, especially if they are on the hook of the narcissist’s victim card ploys. Nice people can be quite confused with you for rejecting a vulnerable narcissist if they don’t see for themselves.
So true...it has caused some hopefully short term damage and strain on a couple of other close relationships, not to mention pain... One has to be so careful. They create damage directly and indirectly playing off normal people's tendency to be nice and decent. Like a Trojan horse.
I ended up pushing away some nice people when I tried to casually date after a few months because I was so traumatized. I literally had social anxiety, jump at every little thing hypervigilant, not really that much fun to be around even friends. I used to be a funny gregarious person... I want my old self back... 😞
@@sasanka207 I literally used the Trojan horse metaphor too OMG... I am still reeling!
the, onlooker, concern has been a huge problem for me. it is very interesting to hear someone else put this into words. this has been my favorite, dr. grande, video. it has given me clarity that I couldn't get from his and/or others' videos. I finally heard things phrased in a way that simplified a very complex situation. thank you.
I appreciate this. My father was diagnosed with NPD after taking a psych test and assessment. He was definitely the grandiose type, and I know this can run in families. But my sister, I have had trouble deciding whether she was a narcissist or a Boarder Line PD. Now, as you described the Covert Narcissist, which tends to overlap with the other 2 PD’s, it makes more sense as I have studied this and am a Psych RN for 25 years in the Behavioral Health Hospital settings. Thank you.
As a survivor of abuse with the use of a lot of gaslighting behaviours, this gets me feeling paranoid about someone falsely suspecting that I am a vulnerable narcissist and then mistakenly using some tactic to repel me 🥺
I imagine you don't use the gasligthing to everyone else though?
yooooo listen to you people. I think all of this weird psychological shit is making you guys legit mentally ill. Everyone in the comments is just talking about avoiding people or thinking they mistakenly got avoided for the reason they avoided others. Like what IS THIS lmao
Setting boundaries can be difficult and unkind but necessary. it seems so many people damage others with their narcissism or ASPD that I think there should be more awareness. It would be interesting to know the figures. Education is the key, whether you are harmed '' from a distance or up close and personal'' it can have lasting effects.
Ann lvselvis so true 👍🏻 . It’s so bad I think schools should give kids option classes
Ann lvselvis we need a new movement #narctoo 🤷♀️
Something you wrote really struck me. I tell people all the time that setting boundaries is not unkind. That's what narcissists and abusive people tell us. Enabling is actually less kind. The movement we need to start is to do away with the teaching that boundaries are unkind. Having a lock on your door is not unkind. Using it is not unkind. It lets others know when you don't want them to come in. And that's ok. Having and using boundaries aren't unkind.
Escape From Crazytown funny you mention locks on doors as I have had to use mine inside my home as I get triggered if anyone bursts into my bedroom or bathroom without knocking (and yes this did happen before I started using the locks consistently).
@@ronesss33 , I would be startled, too, if someone just burst through my door. Boundaries are like those locks that allow us to select who we want to let in and what behaviors we want to let in to our life.
I've mentioned that I 'felt off' in their presence. Which was kinda harsh.. But using, 'I just feel we're on different frequencies.'.. That seemed to work peacefully enough.
You're absolutely spot on when the narcissist mentions leaving and the type of response or reaction he is looking for. In the beginning he would always talk about taking a position or promotion with work at another location.I would panic and ask about us and our relationship. He would then explain how our relationship would work. Towards the end of our relationship, he would mention taking a job out of state, and my response to that would be..."Oh wow, that's great! I know you will do well and I pray for a smooth transition in your new role and place of residence." He would then explain all the reasons why he will not accept the offer🤷♀️ I do still love him very much and breaks my heart that he is this way💔
Please be patient to wait for someone that truly cares about you.
NARCISSISTS DO NOT HAVE ability to connect with anyone!
BLESSINGS
You love a lie. Sad but true. Time can never be given back.
@@battfamily435 I no longer care what he does. It's been a yr. I pray for him and of course the other women he is conning. I am free!
Here I am binge watching these videos about narcissism because of my ex. And now I see I MIGHT BE THE NARCISSIST 😮
I feel the same about myself. You aren't alone!
We all do this lol...
@@enverismail6864 I guess it's a part of the "game" they're playing 😊
If you are concerned that you might be a narcissist, you probably are not ;-)
@@heathercarr7376 yea I'd like to believe that. Thanks. Nice to get some feedback 😊
Vulnerable Narcissists are irritating they just complain forever about anything n everything even when they have lots of power and high status which turn them into unattractive beings, their suffering becomes their number one topic of conversation it is draining!
Passionate Brazilian Girl. Yes! Victimhood is a total turn off. They will forever have low relationship satisfaction. Nothing is ever good enough! Fickle and never happy! Completely draining is right.
Vulnerable Narcissists such as BPDs exhibit "splitting" and can turn on you on a dime. Raging is also a huge part of BPD. Once that you have inflicted a narcissistic wound on the BPD (or covert narcissist), they will devalue you and find new Supply. You cannot repair these relationships. Run. 🏃 🏃 🏃 🏃
The covert narcissism is a subset of characteristics that would commonly be present in many people with BPD.
@@VOLKAERIN, Agree. I initially thought that my ex was a Covert Narcissist, but I could not explain the emotion and perception that I was seeing. Later I understood that she was BPD. These days I label her as BPD with Covert Narcissistic Traits.
@Vampire Slayer My dad is an overt Grandiose and my mom a covert. Watch Sam Vaknin talk about how easy it can be to manipulate a Narc once you fully understand what makes him tick. This is why parents create a Golden Child who becomes the Scapegoat 6 months later, and vice versa. Mind you, in normal REAL LIFE, why would anyone bother? But when it's your parents the only way to repair the relationship is by turning on your siblings. That's why families headed by Narcs are so f*cked up and eternally dysfunctional. PS - I moved to France 20 years ago so not playing the game but I damn well know the rules ;-)
@@firehorse9996, Agree. I always knew that I was the "Golden Child", but did not understand that my mother was a narcissist until late in life. Most of the issues which I blamed on my father were in fact my mother "projecting".
My dad once said that all of us children were "poisoned" against him. Fortunately we made our peace later in life.
@@vampireslayer1989 You're lucky then. But still, what a wasted life and how many opportunities missed! For nothing. But EGO trips. So few good memories and both my parents are still living (divorced). I'm the scapegoat so got outta there to save myself! By the way, I just agreed with your comment because in fact to "repair" the relationship I would need to DESTROY my brother and sister to become my dad's NEW supply. For the past few years, they've all been busy destroying each other. My nephew is homeless and tries to kill himself. It' so sad but what the hell can I do? Nobody EVER listened to me.
Someone who looks too good to be true almost always is!
This is extremely helpful. I am currently a LPC Associate, and I have a brother that has cut off ties with me for several years now. I believe he is a Vulnerable Narcissist. He does not take criticism well, and he only talks about his own accomplishments and endeavors. He has been divorced 4 or five times, and he does not take rejection well. Any opinion that departs from his own way of thinking incites anger and resentment. He has cut me off since I started disagreeing with him on various topics over the years. When he feels he is not being appreciated he moves away. He moved to Mexico about 2 years ago, but had a disagreement with his wife, and divorced her after a previous separation and is returning back to the US. Now I will have to deal with his presence a lot more since he will come visit my parents that are in their 80s. I feel when he does this, it is not for their benefit, but only for his, so he can gloat about his life rather that assist my parents. My parents are 85 years old, and he does nothing to help them. He only talks about himself. This episode gave me some tools if he decides to speak to me again, or we happen to be at my parent's house at the same time. Thank you.
cPTSD has superficial overlap with BPD has superficial overlap with Vulnerable Narcissism.
I have the first, due to people with the second and third and some other happy things.
Gods is this scary to listen to when you fell into a hole with traits like that, whether you identified them already and work against them since the breaking or not. Then there are these spikes that scream: Nope! Not that! Thank any gods available! Keep on working to get those behavioural fleas and bad trauma-responses out of the system
GREAT DESCRIPTIONS OF VULNERABLE NARCISSISTS
I think in respect to the vulnerable narcissist, you tend to find yourself already involved with her to some degree before the mask begins to slip and you begin to get the sense that there is something really wrong. And even then, it's difficult to grasp if one has not had training and/or experience with such persons. Such was the case with me. It was my own stubbornness in wanting the relationship to work, however, that I even tolerated it for as long as I did. I even broke up with her once before, but I allowed myself to get involved with her again before finally ending it for good.
At length, after enduring intense and unending abuse of all sorts from this woman, I simply established a boundary and made it clear that it was not negotiable, i.e., cut the shit or get out. She surprised me by not blowing up at me as I had been accustomed to by this time but rather with a sort of calmness. Apparently by then she got the message that the game was up and she moved out two or three weeks later.
It sounds easy but it represented a huge step for me and it changed my life for the better. No formal diagnosis was necessary here; I simply had to change my focus from making the clearly impossible "work," to taking care of myself. Once I resigned myself to the futility of the former, it became easier to focus on the latter.
This is one of the more brilliant useful healing videos I have found! I listened 3 times desperate to fix myself from attracting and letting vuln narcissists to get ahold of me with that compelling love-bombing! Being left starving for love doesn’t help so I am convincing myself that I am ok alone!
Grey rock minimalism seems safest. It is unlikely to be mean and maintains things like decency and professionalism.
I tried calling one out once and I would avoid anything more entangling, energy hungry, or risky then taking that step back, withdrawing, and smiling and nodding alot while being only minimally available. It's simple and hard to mess up while leaving an opening for making a connection later if you change your mind about the person's nefarious nature.
Grey rock doesn't feed their supply, doesn't leave you open, gives them no ammo, is non-disruptive to your shared environment, and doesn't damage a sick person further.
I guess this is similar to removing support but it also removes, like, everything that isn't necessary including extra added negativity from your own person contributing to a negative situation.
I think this sounds empathetic both to the self and the other.
Excellent strategy.
Someone on the receiving end could also preserve this as stonewalling, and may make them angry.
That's usually what I do. I don't give them attention, positive or negative. To give them attention is giving them a reward.
In the past month I have figured out that my Mom is an overt narcissist , and my husbands mom is a covert narcissist . This describes them both to a T. No wonder my husband and I were able to connect so well, we endured very similar abuse. And we have both felt exhausted for years because of the temperaments of our moms.
I like your descriptions about narcissism. I think you should describe the correlation between narcissism and childhood. Usually people who were raised in dysfunctional environments suffer from these conditions.
7 years wasted with a covert narc . In the end my fiancee made me feel worthless and I obsessed over her for two years even when she moved on to her new supply. It still hurts but knowledge is power and I'm finally starting to heal
Great video. This is such a complex issue. I can see how are you would need to tiptoe around these types of individuals. My most successful relationship strategy has been to proceed very slowly when getting to know someone. Take the time to see their true character. That will emerge eventually.
Omg that's exactly what I do too, we must be like soul mates; let's get married and die old together in each other arms.
@@rayner-hilles 😂😂
Information about this should be made available in high school because knowledge really does help. People reveal themselves very quickly, in fact, often from the very first contact we have with them. The best approach is to be taught early on what the signs of these personality disorders are AND not to get involved in friendships and intimate relationships with them.
This approach would actually motivate people with PDs to seek therapy because their lives would be too empty and unsatisfying.
I got involved with one covert narc after knowing him as a shy and quiet neighbor for 5 years, then as a passionate lover once a week for 3 years ( in a total of 8 years of good, but not-so-deep knowing of the person). And I haven't seen any lies throughout those 8 years - all I saw was a sheep. Only after I moved in to live together, I started seeing things that I couldn't see before - the shape of the wolf started very slowly to come out. Now I'm not taking any chances of bonding with seemingly nice and sweet people UNTIL I date them for AT LEAST 10 years. I think, only by cohabiting or working together on a daily basis will take less time to notice the wolf: anywhere from 2 to 6 months and the covert narcissist will become visible with the right knowledge about tactics, such as silent treatments and gaslighting. But if you just meet for fun(as in dating) once or twice a week - you need MINIMUM 10 YEARS to notice anything suspicious, especially if it's a long distance interaction. They can pretend to be angels for literally yearS if they have to do it just once or twice a week (as opposed to every single day) .....
@@user-ee5om8wy7u so true,... I wasn’t t looking for something serious and I’m really pragmatic normally about these things. I thought he was kind of ridiculous how fast he got into me. But I thought it was love, me not lovebomb... He had come from this long dead, really never should’ve happened kinda marriage - and you know how those guys can be, super starved for love and affection and fun! Plus I didn’t see myself as undeserving of love or at least infatuation, so I thought it was genuine.. Like, what harm could come from someone so impractical and sappy!? 🤦🏼♀️ ...I seem so naïve looking back. Hindsight is 2020!
I couldn't thank you enough, Dr. Grande for the effect this series of videos have had on me. I started seeing people and facets of myself in a more objective and perceptive light recently. You have destroyed all "outrage" I've felt about things like narcissism (and to a certain extent abuse) in a way even my own therapist couldn't (in my opinion). There's alot of so-so mental health info out there. Your influence on this community is undeniable and important. You deserve all the success!
"it's not the person who's evil, it's the *act* " - ✌🏻
I'm so glad I found your channel! I have recently realized that this is my long term boyfriends main problem and the explanation and name to put on the whole behaviors he has.It is truly covert in him and I'm constantly in a state of confusion and consternation since I am a highly sensitive empathic intuitive loving person.The two most opposing characters there could possibly be.The main difference with us (and the only reason I'm able to even cope ) is that I am able to identify and speak my mind and call him on the sh#@ he tries to play on me.I don't let him get by with trying to pull on me to con.He absolutely goes numb at times when he hears how I can read him and can't fool me.I told him the other day how much he hates it because he hates it since he has ceased impressing me and gaining praise from that.He does that to others to " play the good guy" and get the pats on the back that he craves.I don't buy into that game and let it be known.As long as I have this awareness I'm not going to be in danger of being committed to my local mental hospital!
Can someone have traits of both? They use self confidence in public situations, yet to those they are closest to, they tend to be vulnerable, histrionic sometimes, crying frequently, playing the victim, exaggerating everything. You are my favorite analyst on all psychiatric disorders!
Yes. This is the closest thing I’ve seen yet that describes who I’m currently stuck to.
The hard part is to identify them.
It's necessary to know how to protect yourself.
Especially people who don't know how to be mean.
Professionally explained!
Thank you Doctor!
R N
Don't worry!
Sometimes people who have a low sense worth might find the assertiveness of others narcissistic.
Sometimes lack of self awareness can get to us.
Don't assume everything you hear is true until you heard both sides of the story.
Besides with the internet nowadays, people are getting well informed and get to learn how to take care of themselves.
All happens in the right time.
You can relax!💕💕
R N
Very well said.
I think that applies perfectly with the grandiose type.
No matter how you react it is viewed as narcissistic supply.
Better not to react at all.
It still keeps you on guard, if the narcissist you are dealing with is a psychopath.
Very dangerous people!
R N
Thank you very much
Sound like i'm talking to a professional! :)
I *COMPLETELY* agree with these insights--they are so spot-on and I've learned so much looking back my recent experiences retroactively. I was involved in some capacity with a vulnerable narcissist and it's just astonishing how predictable they seem to be. Best to keep a distance from such people. They are quite the enigma, and can be very toxic to one's quality of living. Avoid!
Thank you, Dr. Grande. This was excellent!
A gaping maw of endless need - no thanks!
God you look into this narcissism stuff and you start feeling like you're in a They Live situation.
"Don't offer to help don't ask for help". Really great. I noticed that my husband wants me to rescue him all the time and fix things and figure things out for him and I've done that because I thought it was my strengths that I could use to support him, but I'm realizing it's just a form of sabotage and draining my vitality.
Vulnerable narcissists don't really have to be drawn in, they work hard at forming that connection, by charming and forming intimacy in a very quick manner. I really like his idea of a reality check, or letting them know their status. Simple, economy of effort and you Dodge the drama!
@@RN-gx7wt I agree, you don't see them coming, especially as a young person. Relationships form over time in an organic manner. A quick alliance at work or a new friend is fine, as long as one keeps perspective. Remembering to assign status sends a message and keeps you mindful. The point being, trust is earned over time, and that known quantities are treasured and held dear over and above a new charming person. If they are quality people, they will give way to your priorities, because presumably, they have them also. If they can not accept that their status is lower, because of newness, that is probably telling.
@@RN-gx7wt Certainly as you come to know a person, you may give "allowances" for miscommunication, misunderstandings, cultural differences, disadvantages, age, upbringing. This is offset by everything else you learn about a person, and as time goes by, a composite is formed in your mind. Then you add in shared experiences and this is where we really form bonds, so at some point you have an acquaintance or friend you think highly of or are wary of. In my head I'm loosely thinking, is this a stand up guy(gal) or not. Does that even matter given this person's standing in my world?
If you give someone the " benefit of the doubt" or a "one off", is that a one time deal? I usually think so.
Signally your regard or assessment of the status of an overbearing individual seems like a good tact to take. I wouldn't want to be mean, but I can think of oodles of ways to do this disengagement of regard and attention.
I guess when you have been dragged back and forth over the boundaries by a malignant(s) narcissist, you feel like you need to erect numerous boundaries and man them vigilantly, repelling any encroachment.
I'd like to intercede early, with a flick of a verbal wrist.
For now, the work cabal are getting my quizzical befuddlement, obtuseness, self-deprecating jokes, my sympathy. Whatever, I completely misunderstand and don't recognize every nefarious intention. Now I'm adding in all the other important tasks, people and situations I must attend to in short order, signalling their status in my world.
All of the above literally takes no energy, unless I feel the need to prattle on about nerd stuff, just to watch their eyes glaze over. Sadly, that happens when I really do want to communicate with people, sometimes. But you know, once in a while someone is your wavelength.
All this helps me stay in the shallows, cause at my work, there are some canny sharks I could never swim with successfully. To do that, one would have to do more than avoid and rebuff. Then you fall into Machiavellian territory and you can't play chess for fun, you have to play all the time just to train yourself to think four moves ahead all the time. Exhausting.
@@RN-gx7wt Swimming with (people)sharks is definitely not my balliwick! I wouldn't mind real ones, with precautionary measures of course.
R.N. , that was very beautiful and lush imagery. I am going to have to reread it a few more times just to enjoy the scene you describe. I can't think i will have a response to do that justice! Is this what they mean by "waxing poetic"?
Excellent, excellent info and resource. (And hit very close to home with my experience with a borderline vulnerable narcissist)
Thanks for being a voice of reason in this unreasonable world!
How practical your advice is, no one else offers content like this, thank you!.. "Well.. acquaintance is a little strong" a second time , brilliant- that is a subtle way to guarantee the narcissist makes a mental note NEVER to mistake you for any kind of easy target
When you are brought up by them, they are your siblings and the father of your children, it can be really tricky!
Thank you for the video Dr Grande!
I’d like a video on PARENTAL NARCISSISTIC ABUSE! It’s such a “special” category because it’s so complex! My boyfriend has went NO CONTACT with his mother and it’s been great for him! However.... it’s time to heal.. It’s so hard for him.. I’ve been patient with his narc fleas but sometimes it’s hard for me.. anyways... do you have any helpful “guide” for healing from PARENTAL narc abuse?
Cat
Yes please
Great idea, that would be awesome!
Your boyfriend was very lucky to have you be so understanding. As the son of a narc mother, my relationships have been destroyed by my mother, and the female usually only lasted so long. In the end, there may of been effort to understand my plight, but it was not enough. I cant blame the women because I understand how impossible it is to "get it" when they haven't gone thru it. But I will say, it's a damn curse. The ones I truly felt connected to and lived together with left me because of issues my narc mother created. They had to deal with my emotional baggage, and had to deal with my narc mother at the time. It's a happiness killing combo and I've lost my own family to it, twice. Narc parents destroy a good portion of their children's lives if not all of it. I pretty much feel like I can't be fixed before this lifespan is up, but I struggle on. Because somehow I ended up half sane and I must be better for my daughter.
For me how I got over the pain from having a mother who is a narcissist and a father who was codependent, was a process and it definitely takes a lot of soul searching, really taking a brutally honest inventory of yourself, and support....but I’ll leave you with the bullet points of my process....a) get a therapist b) recognize that you have had some trauma in the past c) realize that you can recover from it d) understand the perspective your parents, especially their past e) understand that they did the best they could with what they had to work with f) realize that you are no longer a victim but a survivor g) forgive them and yourself for the choices made h) take responsibility for your life, stop blaming, stop using the excuse of being abused I) get up, grow up, love from a distance, and live your life.. "...........there is way too much I didn’t mention but the just is that you can get over this...👍 ohh have him stop trying to get the parents to feel guilt about how they treated him, cause they won’t....stop trying to fix them, cause he can’t, work on trying to better himself because that’s the only thing he can change....keep trying to change the things in the past and he will end up killing himself trying to...
@@miasma5552 I'm sorry you've had to suffer or go through so much. It's not fair. I hope you can Find help & happiness in time
I had someone interested in me that had been raised by a narc mom & a frequently absent, uninvolved, uncaring dad.
As a child, he had figured out that if his mom was miserable, she would make him & his sister miserable, so the best thing was to give in to all of her whims & make her happy in hopes of having a shred of peace & happiness. He continued this pattern into adulthood.
But this man that was interested in me was so clingy, always looking for attention & approval, couldn't respect or draw his own boundaries or stand up for his kids or himself. He had let the women (two ex-wives) in his life walk all over him. (He didn't see getting walked all over as a fault, but just a sign of being a "nice guy.")
I liked other parts of his personality, his friendliness, his humor, compassion, etc., but there was sooo much drama in his life because of the above-mentioned traits & behaviors & he was still giving in to demands of his ex-wives, etc. Plus I require a fair amount of alone time or down-time & space and he would never have let me have that if we had lived together.
IDK how much was caused by his narc mom & how much from an uninvolved, emotionally distant & abusive father.
Maybe with enough counseling or emotional work it could've gone somewhere.
Wow! You described my 2nd husband. When they say, "It's the nice, shy, and quiet one's, that can be the most, devious.".🎯 That's real, talk. Their mind is constantly, quietly, storing, and sorting information, for supply, to suit, their hidden, agenda's. They're able to do this, with a humble, demeanor. 😇🕊
You are a brilliant psychotherapist. Although I consider myself well educated and very knowledgeable in human behavior and psychology in general, I never had heard of the concept of “ overt narcissism” and I am simply astonished. It is really helping me realize that my daughter was in this kind of relationship .But to make it worse, her long term bf was diagnosed with fitting into the Squizoid Personality Disorder as well . So it is a double whammy. But t the explanation of overt narcissism is been a tremendous eye opener. Thank you so much .
Thank you for always posting great informative and insightful videos. I really appreciate them and the discussion that comes from them.
Smoothly-delivered video message to help repel deception. Given that a clever covert can ensnare the majority who have yet to get the memo, once the tightening cord is sensed, the captured’s remedy rests on their capacity to further emotional maturity.
Gosh you nailed this SO WELL! I dated a vulnerable narcissist years ago (but had no idea what this type of person was at the time) - still disgusted by this person and was hurt by it a lot. I'm glad to understand it and you describe it in such detail so well. It's like reading a detailed information file.
Victor like vulnerable, Norman like normal xD Good one! :D
Okay now I’m freaked out. I could relate to Everything you just said. My Biggest fear is that I might be a narcissist and not even recognize it. Or that I’m actually overly “agreeable” and automatically just assume the blame for all the issues in my life.
Ross Rosenberg said that passive and active codependency might Look like narcissism at times but it’s not the same. He said if someone realizes that they Might be wrong and want to get help then they Can’t be a narcissist. To me, like you’ve mentioned in the past, that the vulnerable narc has a Ton of shame and guilt, but deep down know they are insecure and want to “feel better” by getting better for their own personal issues. wouldn’t that be Some sort of insight into their own shattered ego? So they won’t admit it? Or would they admit being a mess on the inside to others yet are Still considered a narc?
I like you!
How close are BPD and vulnerable Narcissists in relation to each other? I once thought my ex was a borderline but now I think he’s a vulnerable narcissist. They are so similar! Vulnerable narcs are scary! They rope you in with seduction and sex but then discard you after the devaluation. I finally let mine do a final discard and never contacted him again. It’s sad but I would have become a shell of a human being if I stayed with him. I wish him well but I can’t be his target of abuse any further. Why is it so difficult to move on from these cretins (living rent free in your head).
Yes, that “connection” is very appealing. Quite scary, too.
I am so thrilled to know that even before watching this great video, I took the right steps! 😁
I think I just repelled a vulnerable narcissist with whom I went on a date, by establishing swift boundaries...
He attempted to go from 0 to 10 in emotional involvement and I quickly stopped him on his tracks by saying: "I am not the casual dating type. So what are you looking for exactly? I need to know this before we proceed any further"
He gave me the vague answer, "I am looking for more than friendship" To which I replied, "haha, well, a hookup and a casual stint also qualify as more than friendship. So it looks like we are not looking for the same thing here. Otherwise, you would have been more specific. I don't think we are compatible"
And even if he didn't lash out, I could see he was seething on the inside...😅
Oh my goodness! I just dogged a bullet! Yes!!! 😁💪 Thank you, Dr Grande. You made my day with this video!
I wish you would include PDFs of your videos so we could print your tips and have them readily available, when we need to review them! ❤
Thank you dr. Grande! Great informative video as always.
Im struggling with making people not traumatized by narcissists realize that this problem exists. I wish there would be a video like that i could show them so they would open their eyes, build healthy boundries and avoid problems in future for them and their loved ones.
All the best sir!
Just like Chris Watts! So far as I can tell, he fits the description to a T.
Thank you Dr Grande! 👍🌹
Elisa Mastromarino you’re cute. Let me know if you wanna geek out on psychology together and not treat each other how narcissist do ;)
He has several videos on Chris Watts, check them out
Yes, this was interesting and useful. Particularly the parts about not allowing narcs to volunteer to do things for you so that you "owe" them. Thank you.
I watched this video a year too late. Funny how the name Victor is mentioned as the vulnerable narcissist, thats the name of my ex. Anyway, I have been binge watching your videos, love them! They are very helpful, I have been writing a thesis about antisocial personality disorder, and sometimes the information about it is not very clear, there are so many factors that can lead to this, and the articles and DSMV can get a bit overwhelming specially when you try to find a way to prevent it; but the way that it is explained here is more understandable. Thank you for your content. It helps in a personal and profesional manner.