I am so afraid of anger, and I have so much difficulty separating myself from other people's feelings. I am highly empathetic but also scared of anger, mine and others. All I want to do when someone is mad is run away.
I've suffered with all of this for 66 years and I don't see me changing after all these years. My life is lonely but I rather be this way than bruised beaten or hurt ever again. Being alone is safer.
The girl I'm dating has CPTSD. She spent over a year alone after her trauma. She chose to throw herself back into it and she sought me out. Our relationship hit a few bumps. She has trust issues and pulls out meanings that aren't there in our communication, even though she doesn't want to. But we'll work through it. While it is scary, it's very important because we all need human connection. Being alone isn't safer. Being alone isn't healthy.
CPTSD-behaviour that may push other people away: 1. Overly negative + using complaining as a glue 2. Over-meaning-making, and responding when a situation is not clear. Propensity to mistrustful interpretation. Can't separate e.g. other's anger from self. 3. Seeing others as proxies for your parents. "Mistaking" other people for our parents. Responding to other people in conflict situations as if the other person is our parent, which may trigger an overly exaggerated response from us, which may be out of proportion. 4. Perfectionist. Being overly focused on getting everything right. Being rigidly self-rightious. 5. Not reading the room. Not having your antennas out sensing what's going on non-verbally (autism-feature). Not paying attention to whether this is the time and place for a paticular conversation. 6. Overly fawning. Over the top gregarious. Extremely positive so your positivity / happyness / helpfulness appear fake.
1) Overly negative and complaining - a bad habit. 2) Make meaning out of everything and make it about us. Others' anger. - It's all about us regardless of the actual reason. 3) Treating others the way our parents treated us 4) Perfectionist. - Correcting people - too much. 5) Not reading the room - you don't bother seeing how others are feeling in the room - is this the correct time for this subject? 6) Overly over the top fake - to please others.
I certainly can admit anything and it’s a relief for me to admit my faults. But I don’t agree with everything on the list. Or rather I don’t do all that. Maybe half or less. I’m fairly self aware and have always felt better when I’m being polite.
I don't trust anyone. I prefer to be alone. I refuse to "change" one more thing about myself. To those who pushed me away because I didn't fit their image of me, good riddance! To those I finally stood up to rendering me a solitary wanderer in this wilderness, Thank you all for showing your true colors. Black n oozy! I was blind and now I see. Me! Good enough just like you.
Thank you for talking about negativity. I haven’t seen many videos about this. My parents were and are extremely negative, always complaining or making fun of others. I have a compulsion to complain and be negative which is so exhausting and anxiety inducing. It’s becoming easier to stop now that I know why I’m like this and able to stand back and examine my negative thoughts and correct them.
I’m not sure if I have CPTSD, but I relate to a lot of this & appreciate the insights… I realized how much it triggers me when people talk over me, or I feel like I’m not being heard… the frustration I feel is usually not proportional and I can feel myself overreacting, but can’t seem to stop - not sure why I never linked that back to my childhood… it makes a LOT of sense
All the therapy, ceasing alcohol, dope, tobacco, and so on, didn't help. Stress, and the gremlins came for me. The awareness is the key, and recognising gremlins, knowing they are relationship killers.
I’m so glad I found this video. I escaped from a narcissist relationship ten years ago and have been studying that behavior, so I’d stay aware of this trap of bondage. I found myself, again in a trap like this. Most of this persons behaviors resembled a narcissist but thanks to my open mindedness and what little I’ve learned about his past, I just couldn’t put my finger in it. He had all the traits of a covert narcissist but something seemed to be missing? One day, when I called him out on guilt tripping others and how wrong it was, when he admitted to me, that he believes it’s not wrong. All this did was, reinforce my judgments of him. After doing a lot of digging in psychology and alternate behaviors, I learned that people who’ve experienced childhood trauma can also appear to resemble narcissistic behaviors.(CPTSD). This has helped me so much to forgive his behaviors. Everything you said about child hood trauma matches the traits of my friend and I can now understand that I may have misjudged him. I think we need to be very careful of the label, “narcissist”. Childhood trauma is very tragic and unlike narcissism, there is hope for one’s life to recover.
I don't think I push people away by my behaviour but I know I really struggle with maintaining a relationship because I find people really triggering. I know its trauma reactions from my childhood but being around people makes me feel really unsafe. I think the key is to being brave enough to show up as your true authentic self and if people don't like me then that's fine. Hopefully I'll attract people who like me for me.
I want to say that there's a good example of the negative complaining without awareness in Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know. She talks about driving away a friend who recently got a cancer diagnosis by being unconsciously exhausting and complaining about things like racism instead of focusing on them. Personally, I think this behavior is not just a "glue," but comes from wanting to be understood, the cycle of trauma (constantly enduring more), being both overwhelmed and without enough support (so, whenever the cptsd sufferer finally sees a friend, they dump on them), and not being emotionally aware enough/connected to the gravity of things (e.g., much like how trauma survivors might laughingly tell a horrifying story and not anticipate how it affects others). I think it's cruel because it isolates the trauma survivor even further. Narcissists, who don't want to deal with anyone's emotions, will also make the survivor feel especially burdensome for having any needs. So, I hope these other possibilities clarify things for people.
I’m not so much inclined to #1, but I have a coworker who’s also a victim of CPTSD, and it’s the exact same way you described your relationship with that other parent. I like her intellectually and appreciate what she stands for. We actually have quite a bit in common and even live in the same neighborhood. But sometimes her negativity can be a little triggering and anxiety-inducing for me. My mom can also be a rather negative person at times, so there’s definitely a bit of my own trauma around that. This coworker also talks a TON, and often interrupts. I’m a high-masking autistic female, so I get a bit overwhelmed with people taking over each other. I’m definitely guilty (or used to be) of some of the other things on the list. Like your son, I had to learn from an early age that correcting everyone wasn’t the way to become popular. Every once in a while, I’ll still correct the record in a conversation if I feel strongly about the subject. But I definitely have stopped correcting minor things to maintain relationships with people over the long term. Also guilty of reading a couple coworkers’ unfriendly moods as them not liking me, and taking it very personally. When, in fact, it may have nothing to do with me, and they’re just deep in their own feelings.
I am 63 - I didn't know complex trauma was a thing until during Covid & hearing a certain person on TV I felt like a lot of things were coming back out of nowhere. But my whole life I kinda struggled with relationships. But then I started reading about high masking autism. And I think it could be both. But knowing about both now ...the people I pushed away weren't really my tribe. And actually I think I had to walk away from more than I pushed away. Because you ket a lot of people step over your boundaries. I didn't realize it was ok to not like lots of people around me, crowds, or all the things I was . Now I do.
I am 63 yrs old also, recently discovered l'm neurodivergent, and have heavily masked all my life. I have gone into a space of solitude as l can no longer mask, long for authenticity, but without the mask, l don't know who l am anymore, and can't be around people. It's liberating not masking anymore.. Some of these points resonate.
I found this video empowering! I see myself in these, and yet I am now catching things in real time and staying soft with myself as I own up to "the thing I bring to the relationship that doesn't work is..." I am longing for deeper intimacy in my close relationships so I am devoted to uncovering old survival skills that are outmoded and noticing what unmet need they might be pointing me towards. Thanks for your transparency and realness.
The everything means something really resonates with me. At an early age when someone said no, I’d head to my room thinking I was in trouble. I scan everything for meaning or to see what’s going on. I’ve struggled with perfectionism, in the past year I’ve gotten into making art out of old or broken toys. Part of this is healing my inner child, who was afraid to really play. I’ve realized some of my best work is done when I don’t judge it and just enjoy the process. My husband jokes and says I must not have had toys as a kid.
Im not going to lie, it broke my heart just now to read that you were afraid to play growing up. I hope you continue to make your toys ma’am. I pray it continues to bring you so much joy as well. ♡
Perfectionism...check. Overly-negative...check. Others as proxies for parents...check. Overly fawning...check. Well, at least I'm aware and that's half the battle. Also, all these traits are in all of us to some degree because no human EVER had a perfect childhood.
I am extremely negative. Especially when something bad happens to me or a small inconvenience arises.. I’m also a huge fawner and I’ve come to realize that through watching your videos.. I really frustrate friends when I never open up or when I make it always about them and never talk about me.. I never understood why it was such an issue when people seem to love talking about themselves lol but overall I see it’s an issue now because of your videos.. it’s kind of sad because I was trained to make everything about everyone else and to neglect myself and I thought that’s what everyone wanted..but the truth is that i don’t feel much enjoyment talking about.. me 😕 I feel I am too boring and uninteresting to really fill up any conversation.. I’ve always just kind of hoped people would want me close because I bring good energy to them.. I never knew that ‘fawning’ was considered a fake tendency ☹️
My trauma came to me as an adult in a horrible long term relationship (7 years). I was 36 and now at 43 diagnosed with PTSD. Was with a narcissistic man. Prior to him, I was the happiest, laid back free spirited woman. I will never be the same again. I definitely lost myself. After being in 2 long term relationships/marriage in the past, I can say this was the worse most horrible experience and I thought I was with bad. I wish professionals can talk about CPTSD as adults from relationships (not parents). My parents are the best thing in my life/past and present. I can appreciate to not have gone through that as an innocent child.
@@kaibri9287I think optimistic people stay..when it's bad.. because we believe in change🎉 in progress...but I must say....I've pretty much given up..last woman ..pushed and pushed for me to fall..in love..then she left..what a mess....I call it optimist thinking..but what do I know..maybe I'm a people pleaser..with alternate hidden agenda..could be 😮
I am grateful to have met this channel,I have learnt alot about myself (avoidant attachment style) which I used to wonder why I had been like that but couldn't explain. All thanks to you Dr Sage because I understand myself now and have embarked on a journey to healing. I feel Abit different and I believe all will be well❤ To those who are still struggling,you are not alone just make sure not to give up on you, the past have gone let's find ways to meet our better self and project towards having the best experience of the rest of our lives Lots of love ❤❤guys
that's the thing: I know when I'm doing it, but my nervous system is overriding my ability to be " normal!" then, afterwards, I go on to dysregulation, or feel troubled as if I cant control what I've done.
Growing up my mother displaced her aggression (I think she was diagnosed with BPD). Took a lot of physical and verbal abuse. Aggressive behavior of any kind is a trigger sometimes. I am always thinking get out of the way if I think another person is displacing aggression even if it's because of a bad day. In my childhood this usually meant my mom was coming to take it out on you. She displaced her "bad days," moods or "sad days" on me and my siblings. So seeing someone have a bad day meant verbal or physical threats or actions coming to harm me or hurt me or blame. But I have learned to say it's not about me. But their times where I have had people displace their aggressions- not so much violence but like noises, yelling, blaming or door slamming bothers me and it makes feel like I am back in childhood. Thanks for video. I feel I fit in avoidant attachment. Learning how to handle displays of emotions better. Thanks for video and awareness. I never told anyone.
I had a woman tell me that she didn't want to be friends with me because when I told her about my traumatic childhood it made her "uncomfortable". She shared with me that her father abused her and that she wanted to end her own life because of medical school but when I shared the gist of my childhood (not even specifics) she made it about her. I think some people just lack empathy and compassion for others. I get what you're saying for sure but there are a lot of selfish, unempathetic people who simply will not want to be around you because of the past that you had no control over.
She has blocked her trauma and you talking about yours, makes her remember things that trigger her, that is why she wants to put distance She is not being mean, we cannot predict how we will react if triggered, it is better to separate for the time being then cause someone harm
@@IndigoCosmic personal experience, if I feel like, I am going to lose my composure because certain things may serve as reminder, I distance myself, I don't mean anything bad about the other person but if I end up losing my sense of self, I have no idea which way I will react and that is 100% more harmful If someone respects you enough to give you an explanation, they actually respect you Rest is your personal choice, I know what my reasoning is if I behave like that I am just trying to maintain peace and protect both myself and the other person Giving things time, so that you don't feel that way longer and then clear communication of what they found triggering so that behaviour does not get repeated Was trying to give a different insight, your opinion can always differ
@SaritaSingh-dx8lv I didn't go into detail about my trauma. She went more into detail about hers, and I didn't judge her. She's just a judgemental person who looked down on me and felt like I wasn't good enough to be her friend. It's that simple, and that's my point. Some people are just like that. They want to be accepted for who they are but want others to be what and how they want them to be. Trust me, she absolutely did me a favor because I don't want to be friends with someone like that whatsoever.
This is fascinating. I have been treated for C-PTSD, for many years. Also, and only recently, discovered that I am high masking neurodivergent. I'm 70 and this discovery is only a few months old. What you said about the differences between high masking autism and C-PTSD, very enlightening. So much is clicking down through my memories and so much re-thinking and confusing and reframing going on. I am all those things that drive people away but because of the C-PTSD I've kind of make friends with being alone much of the time; my past has made it along the lines of "I'd rather be lonely than wishing I were". I've been treated for C-PTDS...what should I be doing differently or understanding about the high masking neurodivergence? I am having a difficult time trying to find where to go to answer that question and how to treat the condition and the confusing thought processes whenever others are around. People are exhausting. But I finally have a sanctuary and it's time to try to heal.
I'm so tired of having to be the person who reaches out. How about you call me for a change. Obviously, they don't care enough to maintain the relationship. Why should I?
Every time I show the real me it seems to upset people, although it's getting better. I correct because I like to be corrected when I'm wrong. I fawn sometimes because I genuinely want to give as much as I can. If I tell my stories, they usually make people uncomfortable, but slowly I have seen they find it endearing also when I act a little more "human".
You put so eloquently and succinctly, the sory of my life. Your videos have been a total game changer for me. Thankyou so much for helping me to reflect and heal ❤
I don’t like anything negative I don’t usually comment on media. I just don’t trust anyone. I don’t think there’s no one nice out here and the truth is very important. I just like to shut myself off for the world. I trust animals more. I’m independent. I don’t go to talk to no one about anything.
The thing with people’s energy & moods as I experience it as someone with CPTSD & SPS is…people who project their mood outwards effecting the environment aren’t for me. I need people around me who realize their moods can be communicated functionally not passive aggressively to effect the peace of the environment we’re in. I think this also has to do with who I attract as someone who has trauma. It’s really difficult to deal with & causes me to have restrained friendships because I find that behavior intolerable. I used to do the complaining thing which I also think goes hand in hand with gossiping or attracting gossips. Once I stopped engaging with gossip, then I was able to focus on the complaining.
I have been an overly fawning person. This is why I am good at meeting strangers and doing business. But I like to keep people away from me. I don't like intimacy at all. It all just never works out with friendships and family. When I get in relationships I end up trying really hard with the fawning and not really sharing about myself. I get extremely anxious. I tend to pick people that bully me, or not treat me kind.
Its the light green.. perception neurology testing, proved the light green or outdoor scene is un chaotic. I cannot imagine living in france. Haha lots of red paint in apartments and black and white cbeckerboard floors.. i would go cooo cooo
Haha my son too. He is a professor in Philosophy!! He was correct my entire life. I actually started listening. He was diagnosed a real genius. He helps me during panic attack. He taught me how to distract myself, and cut back medication.
This is so helpful to me! Some of it was hard to listen to because I see myself in varying degrees in almost all of these behaviors. However, I believe it is important to take ownership of it in order to find healthy relationships with people. (I currently do not have one safe or healthy relationship in my life) I am on a healing journey and watching this video helped me realize that, even though I still have a lot of work to do, I have made progress in certain areas, like being overly people pleasing and needing to find meaning in every little thing. I simply don't have the energy for that anymore nor do I even care to try. Maybe the not caring will fade, but I welcome it for now. Your videos have helped me tremendously. I just found you 6 weeks ago and I every single video I have watched has moved me forward in some way after years of being stuck in the same, really difficult place. Thank you ❤
I push people away. I get anxiety when they get too close. It’s a wonder I was able to get married - twice, but I left both. My last relationship was different. But he passed away after 5 years.
Yikes I do a lot of these things 😢Mainly that I am always worried that someone’s mad at me, perfectionism and fawning. It’s like I don’t even know who to be sometimes. Working on taking myself back. Thank you ❤
Thank you for talk so in detail and with great empathy and emotion your job and advice is priceless 🙏 I am humbled to have the chance to meet new people great beings who give so much for the growth of the collective 🙏
my mom had bipolar disorder and when she was manic she raged. For years I feared her and watched her every action carefully. When anger started I shut down.
exercise, diet (just proper food), sleep and stressing less helps a lot. You are right medicines make you worse. Try to be out in nature more and stop hanging around with people who aren't good for your mental health. Good luck!
Yep, when you have it, you have it. I have it. I go to therapy, read lots about it, try different things. My flashbacks are still as prevalent as ever. My life is a bit better now, but there are still the hours when I can't sleep and it just eats me up.
The gregarious piece....I remember as child being so bigger than life and vibrant (till CPTSD squashed it) and now that I have worked on so much my feelings of happiness are back and I am sunny cheery, complimentary towards others, celebrating their wins, etc. but I worry people see me as too 'much' happy. But am I too much happy? Or is that just who I've always been? I had to be a fawner as a child so I could see how this might tie in. I just can't sort out which it is bc I genuinely am happy for others and enjoy being happy after being dead and depressed for so long.. CPTSD is exhausting. @Dr.Sage I would love if you could do a video on how to work on overcoming over meaning making? I get its a form of hypervigilance but need more skills in this area. I appreciate your channel so much!
I did this to the person I deeply love... I am 59, she is 57, Three years Nov this year's (we are not gonna celebrate that) It's been a week, and it has gone from I never want to hear, see of have any communication with you whatsoever , you are dead to me (what she said to me) and 3 days later, kinder comunication, and told me to call her in 6 months, So I got a new therapist, bought Mind over Mood, and I am trying to reconnect with myself. For me.
Dr. Sage thank you for the content you create. You have no idea how much your videos help me understand my mental state and why I feel the way I do better
I want you to know that I enjoy your content so much! It's so informative and helpful! I feel so seen and less alone after watching because I know I'm not alone in this journey. Thank you so much! ❤
You are amazing! I’m continually learning! Complaining as a way to bond with a parent in childhood can carry over into adulthood and relationships. It’s a way to bond. I saw that with my mother and brother- now it makes so much sense. I see it with my now partner who has CPTSD. I started catching on to it a little while ago and thought I should find a way to steer away from our conversations going in a commiserating type way. Now I get it! I love it. I know better how to handle it! Thank you 🙏 ❤
You just described myself and my two best friends wow did you ever make some things hit home for me? It’s funny how when you’re trying to do self healing it doesn’t happen consistently every day all of a sudden you get breakthroughs that’s where the work and the change happens if you’re willing to work hard.
My granddaughter her school was involved with a shooting. Horrible! She witnessed what no 14 year old should have. Loud bangs and pops set her off. We all went through this because we didn’t know were she was ( and others) for 2 hrs. It’s been almost 2 years . Counseling is a regular and apart of her life. It’s like a war veteran almost. Learning to be brave to live.
So sorry that she, and all of you went through such a horrifying experience. I have found for me, replacing nightmarish things, with positive, life-affirming things, helps soothe some of the pain. I know this might sound random...but looking at pictures, or watching videos of baby animals helps...I think it increases the release of oxytocin. May Kim help you with strategies, and understandings, that lead to personal peace....for all of you.
What helps is a supportive family and therapy,not any videos.A real pet is good for everyone.However,a single shooting is not Cptsd and is far easier to treat and doesnt change personality like complex trauma does.Ive spent 10 yrs with a Cpstd partner and much time in hospital for my own issues around other patients with PTSD and C ptsd and they are not the same at all.
Right now i feel like i have busted my ass to be a good person..If anyone wants to reject me for the things i am still working diligently on,they can piss off..I am sick of people anyway.
I had to address an issue today that I have been avoiding for a month. After I sharing my truth, I'm feeling sot of flawed, inadequate and ashamed. I'm hoping these feelings go away tomorrow because this is destabilizing. I feel humiliated but I had to disclose a bit about my CPTSD condition to give context about my stand offish Fuck everthing disposition over the last month. We'll see what happens Monday.
Today was a much better day. There were three unexpected victories in it. I was anxious about my disclosure being used against me like the first thirty years of my life, but no. My self disclosure was not used as a weapon against me in this case. In fact, it made the person more of an advocate than I could have ever expected. My eyes were watery throughout the afternoon partly from gratitude., I'm grieving a lost childhood. There were some activating events over the last two months that set it off again. Thankfully, positive options are on the table for next month. I feel cared about and I'm much more hopeful today. Peace and love to our healing community.
What about when the people one is complaining about ARE pushy, ARE creepy, ARE demanding, ARE dictatorial. When I feel manhandled and have my privacy constantly invaded and never seem to do right no matter which way I do it, it's hard not to be always complaining!
Staying away from toxic people is key! Once you learn all the boundaries and set yours in stone, none of those toxic others will go near you as they can sense your walls of deflection. This is what I experienced when my boundaries were made stronger! I deflected 2 narcissists husbands of ladies I was speaking to. I felt something new I am dealing with too. I had a feeling of panic and fear discovering these narcissists as I was so triggered by that old abuse I literally was shaking when I got away from them. Still glad I was strong to deflect them though. Not sure how I am going to stop feeling terrified, but it’s a process to recover.
Why are you engaging with people who are pushy and creepy? Is complaining you being passive aggressive instead of assertive ? If someone is creepy, can’t you state your boundary or walk away ? Can you state what you want instead of what you don’t want? Lots of options, the point is, if you keep complaining without taking action, you WILL push others away. So. …. Why not push the creep away ?
I'm trying to enforce my boundaries. I live in subsidized housing because I can't afford not too. The company which manages the building does things like insisting that the only way they will recertify is the way that invades my privacy with my bank. They do things such as write a lease violation for a minor problem which can be solved with a simple heads up while some other lease violator are allowed to loiter outside the building giving the property development a ghetto tenement reputation (even though we all have to sign a no loitering addendum) They do such things as agreeing to a meeting to discuss these things, then fail to show up at the agreed upon time and then denial that the meetings were even scheduled despite the fact that my therapist has documented that the meetings were supposed to occur but didn't (gaslighting). They do such things as over the years have workplace romances with each other subjecting the building residents to their claims and counterclaims of sexual harassment and unprofessional behavior. They do such things as making rules and not enforcing them or enforcing them inconsistently. They do such things as illegally selling the parking spaces in the building. They do such things as having conflicts of interest that affect some or all of the residents. These and many other illegal, unprofessional, unethical activities...shall I continue. After awhile, it just gets exhausting. These acts ebb and then level off for awhile only to begin anew when one manager gets fired and the next one comes in doing same/similar. I want to move out and live in a Motorhome to get away from the constant craziness but I can't even afford a used one!
Actually, the room acoustics are the biggest issue; not the mic (though improving that will also help but not without also removing the room ambience).
Feeling called out 😂 Seriously. This is pretty much me in just about every way. Another one I realized I did was I actually was attracted to couples (not sexually) because they provided a stability for me that I never had in my home life. But then I’d be very negative and push them away 😞
Confusing. In my desperate attempts to NOT be negative, I fawn (#6). It appeared charming and cute when I was young and got me some good jobs. NOW it appears fake and annoying. I dont want to be negative! I dont know how to be "just enough" positive. Im starting to not want to go anywhere or do things bc i dont know how to be now. Im in between jobs and scared out of my mind about getting a new one. I attract co-workers who suck me dry. I will keep studying DBT to see if I can determine some middle ground way to be okay.
You sound like my ex. If I were to give you advice (and you are welcome not to take it) it would be to try and not to focus too much on yourself and how you are perceived. Try and wind down and be more interested in the other person and how they feel about what you two are talking about rather than just projecting what you expect is the correct response. Believe that you are allowed to be less than perfect. What becomes fake and annoying is if you are not willing to calm down and connect. It makes the other person feel unseen as you don't seem to be actually listening or genuine. Good luck.
❤❤❤ I’m with you. It’s exhausting. My counselor tells me to stay plugged in instead of withdrawing ( now, don’t ask me how I’m doing with that lol🤗). I’m thinking that “practicing” is the best way for us. I’m going to some recovery groups for that very purpose. There’s no “safe” place, but I think some are safer to practice in than others. Stay in the game.💪
Sheesh - I find it SOO difficult to NOT be "the corrector". I even annoy myself and often I find myself waiting for an opening AND I HATE THIS because it does make people feel stupid. I don't want to make people feel stupid. But I also hate it when "the record isn't correct". It's so dag gone frustrating.
This is so real I pushed my partner away tonight. Single asf now. I’m tired of being the reason why other people are upset. I hate to be angry and I try to be overly understanding but nothing works. I’m calling it quits to most things in life fr.
A lot of yesses except for not reading the room I am always overly scanning people, observe them, their responses, looking for reassurance and safety. I'm always alert. I always feel unsafe and anxious around people and want to prevent them getting angry at me. I was brought up by angry parents. I thought that was a part of trauma behaviour, so I don't understand her in this one. Anybody else here who can relate to me?
They did stuff to cause arguments and I was blamed it was always my fault in fact my so called mother said that it was my fault for my shitting father and her son having a fight because my farther worked out that it was him who was abusing me but then my father was abusing her daughter who she had with his half brother and to this day I still feel like everything is my fault had so much counseling but the problem is I don't trust no one and feel so alone I am so glad that you do these videos thank you Kim
I Agree with all of these!! But one I just learned about myself that would of been really valuable to learn earlier that you did reference too. Is Hyper-Independent which is a direct correlation to my upbringing and complete explains my dating life. But would be helpful if you cover it!! Thanks!! 😊
because I hold myself to a high standard (but always feel like im failing) I often project it on to my partner and criticise him for things he needs to be better at! I am always actively working on myself but sometime you hit a fork in the road of course. when im in that state of lostness I become hardened and critical ! was wondering if that was to do with my Cptsd or possible add ! loved this video , really insightful and I resonated with some of the points for sure !!
What I do that's on this list is that I think so much is about me that actually isn't. It can feel embarrassing. I feel so self centered that I try hard to go the other way and think that nothing is about me. But of course some things are about me and I'm missing the hints.
When my symptoms are bad, I feel helpless and often will ask for help and feel that I rarely get it when I really need it. And I'm not yhe kind of person who asks very often. It exacerbates the helplessness. I'm going through some very difficult things and I feel absolutely helpless and disappointed. I have been critiqued as being too negative, self-absorbed, and playing the victim. I'm not sure these things are true. But I genuinely need help from friends and family and am completely overwheled and alone because I feel like I pushed everyone away. And now I feel very isolated and angry because I have been through serious amounts of trauma in the past 7 years, and the stress of my situation is overwheming. So I don't know what to do. I never had this problem before. But I was always there for me friends and now that I'm houng through a very difficult situation (as a single mother with NO support) everyone avoids me. I guess that I would have expected some compassion, but I don't feel it from anyone in my life. It's so demoralizing and wearing on my mental health.
My very first relationship at 38 brought out all my childhood trauma. I didn't even know I had anxious attachment. And me having so many childhood issues pushed my first bf away. He himself isn't healed and so we were not really compatible.😢
Thank you so much for these videos. Numbers two, four and five are particularly relevant to my experience. Number two: If the teachers snapped at the class in general I would fall to bits and hope like hell they wouldn't notice my existence (fat chance for a blind student in a sighted class). For ages I couldn't listen to Alan Rickman playing Snape because it used to trigger me. Number Four: I was the seven-year-old correcting her classmates' grammar, and I also have perfect pitch. number Five is more complex because I'm blind. Therefore, I can't 'read the room' because so much of interaction is non-verbal. I think that if people don't get eye contact they write you out of their universe because they assume you're not interested whether they mean to or not. We're expected to educate you, put you at your ease, do the reaching out because if we don't we're ignored; and then we have to carry the lion's share of the conversation too, as well as try to 'be normal' (whatever that's supposed to be). No wonder I've become such a grumpy old bag. People are such hard work that I mostly socialise online now. At least in that forum I have a modicum of control. 😩
Hello, while I am not blind, I have a partially deaf (single-sided) daughter. She has struggled because of her disability too. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I haven’t met too many blind people before. If I do, I will handle myself differently.
7:45 this is a good example how having siblings helps teach your children how to socialise successfully and why single child homes develop introverted adults
My son is so awesome but he has been a corrector from birth! 😂Thanks for the awesome tips on how to address that. I know it's natural for him and I am not trying to change him. I just want him to turn it down a notch.
My trauma brain is Unable to get close to ppl, therefore I'm pushing ppl away. But My awareness thinking brain is always wanting friendship. The two sides conflict😢
Sorry to hear that. If you understand what went wrong and can correct it going forward I'm sure you can get your friend back. My ex pushed me away, but she never realised what she's doing :(
Sage advice from Death Vallet Scotty: Scotty’s is buried on the hill overlooking the castle. Next to him is his faithful dog Windy. On his headstone, which is a bust of Scotty are his words, “I got four things to live by: Don’t say nothing that will hurt anybody. Don’t give advice-nobody will take it anyway. Don’t complain. Don’t explain.”
How do we stop projecting our narcissistic parent on people? My brain goes back to the past, and that person becomes unsafe. I want to cut them off because of it. I can sometimes be triggered into emotional flashbacks of anger that last for days when someone exhibits the flags of my narcissist. For example, i have friends who ask for money and also try to portray this image of themselves that isn't real to everyone else. They act superior to my husband and i but try to impress everyone else while relying on us way too much. They are also entitled and rely on me too much. They feel unsafe because these traits remind me of my guardian. old anger from my amygdala from my narcissistic guardian amplifies my anger towards these friends. I can see red flags that are there, but it's like my anger is overactive. Instead of feeling like ok, I can distance myself healthily from this person. I have power. I just wind up feeling powerless because I am triggered into a past emotional state. I start analyzing and ruminating about them and then I feel stuck. This is how my brain worked when I was stuck with my abusive narc guardian who betrayed me and blew threw my inheritance and lied. She was relying in my orphan twin and I for Financials without us even knowing. So I can see the specific connections from my narc and my friends that make them feel threatening. I've had 6 years of therapy, and no therapist has been able to help me with that. This is my biggest struggle from this list. I need coffee haha. I hope this makes sense. I've set up boundaries but it's not enough. I still feel so angry and burnt. I just wish I felt empowered not like a victim. I don't want to be a victim.
If I think there's nothing that will ever change, I know I'm correct. It's a life's story to explain, that's why it's no possible to convey convincing reasons. Money would fix most of my fears. Shelter, food and clothing. Healthcare. Some personal experiences. Agency. I am in a hopeless situation. Sabotaged. So, finding a calm, pleasant place; Pleasure; health? Not unwanted, the obstacles are known. My situation, including mental health deteriorating has blocked me. Trapped me.
I am so afraid of anger, and I have so much difficulty separating myself from other people's feelings. I am highly empathetic but also scared of anger, mine and others. All I want to do when someone is mad is run away.
I’m exactly the same 😢
Me too. It so challenging
I mean this is an incredibly common trauma response.
Me too your not alone hugs
You are just uncomfortable and that’s why you run. Is not empathy
I’m so aware of myself, I don’t ever want to go out, I’m exhausted of all that’s wrong with me.
Same here. I get so anxious about how I overthink what people think of me, and it makes me so exhausted.
I've suffered with all of this for 66 years and I don't see me changing after all these years. My life is lonely but I rather be this way than bruised beaten or hurt ever again. Being alone is safer.
So that was sad and a little manipulative…
You can think of it that way but your not alone angels are always with us wanting the best for us💛
It’s a common cave we go to, but I believe therapy and all the awareness on UA-cam can help you at least figure it out. I am 61 and not go big up!
The girl I'm dating has CPTSD. She spent over a year alone after her trauma. She chose to throw herself back into it and she sought me out. Our relationship hit a few bumps. She has trust issues and pulls out meanings that aren't there in our communication, even though she doesn't want to. But we'll work through it. While it is scary, it's very important because we all need human connection.
Being alone isn't safer. Being alone isn't healthy.
@@MK-cc5vehow is it manipulative?
CPTSD-behaviour that may push other people away:
1. Overly negative + using complaining as a glue
2. Over-meaning-making, and responding when a situation is not clear. Propensity to mistrustful interpretation. Can't separate e.g. other's anger from self.
3. Seeing others as proxies for your parents. "Mistaking" other people for our parents. Responding to other people in conflict situations as if the other person is our parent, which may trigger an overly exaggerated response from us, which may be out of proportion.
4. Perfectionist. Being overly focused on getting everything right. Being rigidly self-rightious.
5. Not reading the room. Not having your antennas out sensing what's going on non-verbally (autism-feature). Not paying attention to whether this is the time and place for a paticular conversation.
6. Overly fawning. Over the top gregarious. Extremely positive so your positivity / happyness / helpfulness appear fake.
You wrote "Particular" and Happiness" wrong...hehe, true, but a joke to the "perfectionism" LOL
1) Overly negative and complaining - a bad habit.
2) Make meaning out of everything and make it about us. Others' anger. - It's all about us regardless of the actual reason.
3) Treating others the way our parents treated us
4) Perfectionist. - Correcting people - too much.
5) Not reading the room - you don't bother seeing how others are feeling in the room - is this the correct time for this subject?
6) Overly over the top fake - to please others.
I don’t do any of those ☺️
I certainly can admit anything and it’s a relief for me to admit my faults. But I don’t agree with everything on the list. Or rather I don’t do all that. Maybe half or less. I’m fairly self aware and have always felt better when I’m being polite.
@@angelwings7930 lovely ☺️
Your username suits you.
x
@@thegeminiclub Not always though 😂💀
This describes narcissism, which is a behavioural complex that mostly develops from PTSD.
I don't trust anyone.
I prefer to be alone.
I refuse to "change" one more thing about myself.
To those who pushed me away because I didn't fit their image of me, good riddance!
To those I finally stood up to rendering me a solitary wanderer in this wilderness, Thank you all for showing your true colors. Black n oozy! I was blind and now I see. Me! Good enough just like you.
I agree
Same here
Same all the way
❤❤❤💜💜💜💜
300%. No need for phonies.
Thank you for talking about negativity. I haven’t seen many videos about this. My parents were and are extremely negative, always complaining or making fun of others. I have a compulsion to complain and be negative which is so exhausting and anxiety inducing. It’s becoming easier to stop now that I know why I’m like this and able to stand back and examine my negative thoughts and correct them.
It’s good you have the self awareness so you can change. My mom is the same way, but unfortunately without the self-awareness, and it is draining.
I’m not sure if I have CPTSD, but I relate to a lot of this & appreciate the insights… I realized how much it triggers me when people talk over me, or I feel like I’m not being heard… the frustration I feel is usually not proportional and I can feel myself overreacting, but can’t seem to stop - not sure why I never linked that back to my childhood… it makes a LOT of sense
All the therapy, ceasing alcohol, dope, tobacco, and so on, didn't help. Stress, and the gremlins came for me. The awareness is the key, and recognising gremlins, knowing they are relationship killers.
I’m so glad I found this video.
I escaped from a narcissist relationship ten years ago and have been studying that behavior, so I’d stay aware of this trap of bondage.
I found myself, again in a trap like this. Most of this persons behaviors resembled a narcissist but thanks to my open mindedness and what little I’ve learned about his past, I just couldn’t put my finger in it.
He had all the traits of a covert narcissist but something seemed to be missing?
One day, when I called him out on guilt tripping others and how wrong it was, when he admitted to me, that he believes it’s not wrong. All this did was, reinforce my judgments of him.
After doing a lot of digging in psychology and alternate behaviors, I learned that people who’ve experienced childhood trauma can also appear to resemble narcissistic behaviors.(CPTSD).
This has helped me so much to forgive his behaviors.
Everything you said about child hood trauma matches the traits of my friend and I can now understand that I may have misjudged him.
I think we need to be very careful of the label, “narcissist”.
Childhood trauma is very tragic and unlike narcissism, there is hope for one’s life to recover.
I don't think I push people away by my behaviour but I know I really struggle with maintaining a relationship because I find people really triggering. I know its trauma reactions from my childhood but being around people makes me feel really unsafe. I think the key is to being brave enough to show up as your true authentic self and if people don't like me then that's fine. Hopefully I'll attract people who like me for me.
I want to say that there's a good example of the negative complaining without awareness in Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know. She talks about driving away a friend who recently got a cancer diagnosis by being unconsciously exhausting and complaining about things like racism instead of focusing on them. Personally, I think this behavior is not just a "glue," but comes from wanting to be understood, the cycle of trauma (constantly enduring more), being both overwhelmed and without enough support (so, whenever the cptsd sufferer finally sees a friend, they dump on them), and not being emotionally aware enough/connected to the gravity of things (e.g., much like how trauma survivors might laughingly tell a horrifying story and not anticipate how it affects others). I think it's cruel because it isolates the trauma survivor even further. Narcissists, who don't want to deal with anyone's emotions, will also make the survivor feel especially burdensome for having any needs. So, I hope these other possibilities clarify things for people.
I’m not so much inclined to #1, but I have a coworker who’s also a victim of CPTSD, and it’s the exact same way you described your relationship with that other parent. I like her intellectually and appreciate what she stands for. We actually have quite a bit in common and even live in the same neighborhood. But sometimes her negativity can be a little triggering and anxiety-inducing for me. My mom can also be a rather negative person at times, so there’s definitely a bit of my own trauma around that.
This coworker also talks a TON, and often interrupts. I’m a high-masking autistic female, so I get a bit overwhelmed with people taking over each other.
I’m definitely guilty (or used to be) of some of the other things on the list. Like your son, I had to learn from an early age that correcting everyone wasn’t the way to become popular. Every once in a while, I’ll still correct the record in a conversation if I feel strongly about the subject. But I definitely have stopped correcting minor things to maintain relationships with people over the long term.
Also guilty of reading a couple coworkers’ unfriendly moods as them not liking me, and taking it very personally. When, in fact, it may have nothing to do with me, and they’re just deep in their own feelings.
I am 63 - I didn't know complex trauma was a thing until during Covid & hearing a certain person on TV I felt like a lot of things were coming back out of nowhere. But my whole life I kinda struggled with relationships. But then I started reading about high masking autism. And I think it could be both. But knowing about both now ...the people I pushed away weren't really my tribe. And actually I think I had to walk away from more than I pushed away. Because you ket a lot of people step over your boundaries. I didn't realize it was ok to not like lots of people around me, crowds, or all the things I was . Now I do.
I am 63 yrs old also, recently discovered l'm neurodivergent, and have heavily masked all my life. I have gone into a space of solitude as l can no longer mask, long for authenticity, but without the mask, l don't know who l am anymore, and can't be around people. It's liberating not masking anymore.. Some of these points resonate.
I found this video empowering! I see myself in these, and yet I am now catching things in real time and staying soft with myself as I own up to "the thing I bring to the relationship that doesn't work is..." I am longing for deeper intimacy in my close relationships so I am devoted to uncovering old survival skills that are outmoded and noticing what unmet need they might be pointing me towards. Thanks for your transparency and realness.
So eloquently said. 😉
The everything means something really resonates with me. At an early age when someone said no, I’d head to my room thinking I was in trouble. I scan everything for meaning or to see what’s going on. I’ve struggled with perfectionism, in the past year I’ve gotten into making art out of old or broken toys. Part of this is healing my inner child, who was afraid to really play. I’ve realized some of my best work is done when I don’t judge it and just enjoy the process. My husband jokes and says I must not have had toys as a kid.
Im not going to lie, it broke my heart just now to read that you were afraid to play growing up. I hope you continue to make your toys ma’am. I pray it continues to bring you so much joy as well. ♡
I did not have toys going up. The neighbor kids when invite me over to play and I had no idea what that meant.
Perfectionism...check. Overly-negative...check. Others as proxies for parents...check. Overly fawning...check. Well, at least I'm aware and that's half the battle. Also, all these traits are in all of us to some degree because no human EVER had a perfect childhood.
I am extremely negative. Especially when something bad happens to me or a small inconvenience arises.. I’m also a huge fawner and I’ve come to realize that through watching your videos.. I really frustrate friends when I never open up or when I make it always about them and never talk about me.. I never understood why it was such an issue when people seem to love talking about themselves lol but overall I see it’s an issue now because of your videos.. it’s kind of sad because I was trained to make everything about everyone else and to neglect myself and I thought that’s what everyone wanted..but the truth is that i don’t feel much enjoyment talking about.. me 😕
I feel I am too boring and uninteresting to really fill up any conversation.. I’ve always just kind of hoped people would want me close because I bring good energy to them.. I never knew that ‘fawning’ was considered a fake tendency ☹️
Its okay everyday is a new day and a fresh start you are a valued conversation too hugs
My trauma came to me as an adult in a horrible long term relationship (7 years). I was 36 and now at 43 diagnosed with PTSD. Was with a narcissistic man. Prior to him, I was the happiest, laid back free spirited woman. I will never be the same again. I definitely lost myself. After being in 2 long term relationships/marriage in the past, I can say this was the worse most horrible experience and I thought I was with bad. I wish professionals can talk about CPTSD as adults from relationships (not parents). My parents are the best thing in my life/past and present. I can appreciate to not have gone through that as an innocent child.
Your trauma came before that horrible relationship, thats why you stayed in something bad for so long, it was familiar. Inspect your family of origin.
@@HeartFeltGesture NO. My parents are amazing people and grandparents. Not perfect but my dad is nothing like him
@@kaibri9287I think optimistic people stay..when it's bad.. because we believe in change🎉 in progress...but I must say....I've pretty much given up..last woman ..pushed and pushed for me to fall..in love..then she left..what a mess....I call it optimist thinking..but what do I know..maybe I'm a people pleaser..with alternate hidden agenda..could be 😮
I am grateful to have met this channel,I have learnt alot about myself (avoidant attachment style) which I used to wonder why I had been like that but couldn't explain.
All thanks to you Dr Sage because I understand myself now and have embarked on a journey to healing. I feel Abit different and I believe all will be well❤
To those who are still struggling,you are not alone just make sure not to give up on you, the past have gone let's find ways to meet our better self and project towards having the best experience of the rest of our lives
Lots of love ❤❤guys
that's the thing: I know when I'm doing it, but my nervous system is overriding my ability to be " normal!" then, afterwards, I go on to dysregulation, or feel troubled as if I cant control what I've done.
Growing up my mother displaced her aggression (I think she was diagnosed with BPD). Took a lot of physical and verbal abuse. Aggressive behavior of any kind is a trigger sometimes. I am always thinking get out of the way if I think another person is displacing aggression even if it's because of a bad day. In my childhood this usually meant my mom was coming to take it out on you. She displaced her "bad days," moods or "sad days" on me and my siblings. So seeing someone have a bad day meant verbal or physical threats or actions coming to harm me or hurt me or blame. But I have learned to say it's not about me. But their times where I have had people displace their aggressions- not so much violence but like noises, yelling, blaming or door slamming bothers me and it makes feel like I am back in childhood. Thanks for video. I feel I fit in avoidant attachment. Learning how to handle displays of emotions better. Thanks for video and awareness. I never told anyone.
I had a woman tell me that she didn't want to be friends with me because when I told her about my traumatic childhood it made her "uncomfortable". She shared with me that her father abused her and that she wanted to end her own life because of medical school but when I shared the gist of my childhood (not even specifics) she made it about her. I think some people just lack empathy and compassion for others. I get what you're saying for sure but there are a lot of selfish, unempathetic people who simply will not want to be around you because of the past that you had no control over.
She has blocked her trauma and you talking about yours, makes her remember things that trigger her, that is why she wants to put distance
She is not being mean, we cannot predict how we will react if triggered, it is better to separate for the time being then cause someone harm
She gave you the reason for separating, she is not rejecting you, she is trying to protect both herself and you
@@SaritaSingh-dx8lv That's not a reason but definitely is projecting.
@@IndigoCosmic personal experience, if I feel like, I am going to lose my composure because certain things may serve as reminder, I distance myself, I don't mean anything bad about the other person but if I end up losing my sense of self, I have no idea which way I will react and that is 100% more harmful
If someone respects you enough to give you an explanation, they actually respect you
Rest is your personal choice, I know what my reasoning is if I behave like that
I am just trying to maintain peace and protect both myself and the other person
Giving things time, so that you don't feel that way longer and then clear communication of what they found triggering so that behaviour does not get repeated
Was trying to give a different insight, your opinion can always differ
@SaritaSingh-dx8lv I didn't go into detail about my trauma. She went more into detail about hers, and I didn't judge her. She's just a judgemental person who looked down on me and felt like I wasn't good enough to be her friend. It's that simple, and that's my point. Some people are just like that. They want to be accepted for who they are but want others to be what and how they want them to be. Trust me, she absolutely did me a favor because I don't want to be friends with someone like that whatsoever.
Im a hermit trapped in depression. Getting use to it.glad for the thing's i have. 👍
We also push away people by not being present in the moment, contrasting experiences, and not listening in general
This is fascinating. I have been treated for C-PTSD, for many years. Also, and only recently, discovered that I am high masking neurodivergent. I'm 70 and this discovery is only a few months old. What you said about the differences between high masking autism and C-PTSD, very enlightening. So much is clicking down through my memories and so much re-thinking and confusing and reframing going on. I am all those things that drive people away but because of the C-PTSD I've kind of make friends with being alone much of the time; my past has made it along the lines of "I'd rather be lonely than wishing I were". I've been treated for C-PTDS...what should I be doing differently or understanding about the high masking neurodivergence? I am having a difficult time trying to find where to go to answer that question and how to treat the condition and the confusing thought processes whenever others are around. People are exhausting. But I finally have a sanctuary and it's time to try to heal.
Can you elaborate more about neurodivergence please? Thanks
@@naturalhealingmexico Autism
@@naturalhealingmexico High masking autism.
Do you see a psychiatrist or a psychologist ? I know I have CPTSD but I’m not entirely typical with the way I act.
God bless 🙏 you to find the answers.
Omg the meaning-making thing, and the proxy for parents too, thank you
I've also realized me not saying hi first or talking to someone unless they talk to me pushes ppl away... just thought I'd leave pp alone
I'm so tired of having to be the person who reaches out. How about you call me for a change. Obviously, they don't care enough to maintain the relationship. Why should I?
Every time I show the real me it seems to upset people, although it's getting better. I correct because I like to be corrected when I'm wrong. I fawn sometimes because I genuinely want to give as much as I can. If I tell my stories, they usually make people uncomfortable, but slowly I have seen they find it endearing also when I act a little more "human".
You put so eloquently and succinctly, the sory of my life. Your videos have been a total game changer for me. Thankyou so much for helping me to reflect and heal ❤
I don’t like anything negative I don’t usually comment on media. I just don’t trust anyone. I don’t think there’s no one nice out here and the truth is very important. I just like to shut myself off for the world. I trust animals more. I’m independent. I don’t go to talk to no one about anything.
The thing with people’s energy & moods as I experience it as someone with CPTSD & SPS is…people who project their mood outwards effecting the environment aren’t for me. I need people around me who realize their moods can be communicated functionally not passive aggressively to effect the peace of the environment we’re in. I think this also has to do with who I attract as someone who has trauma. It’s really difficult to deal with & causes me to have restrained friendships because I find that behavior intolerable.
I used to do the complaining thing which I also think goes hand in hand with gossiping or attracting gossips. Once I stopped engaging with gossip, then I was able to focus on the complaining.
I have been an overly fawning person. This is why I am good at meeting strangers and doing business. But I like to keep people away from me. I don't like intimacy at all. It all just never works out with friendships and family. When I get in relationships I end up trying really hard with the fawning and not really sharing about myself. I get extremely anxious. I tend to pick people that bully me, or not treat me kind.
Unrelated: love that wallpaper. Also this tight shot is so full of textures, yet not distracting!
Its the light green.. perception neurology testing, proved the light green or outdoor scene is un chaotic. I cannot imagine living in france. Haha lots of red paint in apartments and black and white cbeckerboard floors.. i would go cooo cooo
Haha my son too. He is a professor in Philosophy!! He was correct my entire life. I actually started listening. He was diagnosed a real genius. He helps me during panic attack. He taught me how to distract myself, and cut back medication.
This is so helpful to me! Some of it was hard to listen to because I see myself in varying degrees in almost all of these behaviors. However, I believe it is important to take ownership of it in order to find healthy relationships with people. (I currently do not have one safe or healthy relationship in my life) I am on a healing journey and watching this video helped me realize that, even though I still have a lot of work to do, I have made progress in certain areas, like being overly people pleasing and needing to find meaning in every little thing. I simply don't have the energy for that anymore nor do I even care to try. Maybe the not caring will fade, but I welcome it for now. Your videos have helped me tremendously. I just found you 6 weeks ago and I every single video I have watched has moved me forward in some way after years of being stuck in the same, really difficult place. Thank you ❤
I push people away. I get anxiety when they get too close. It’s a wonder I was able to get married - twice, but I left both. My last relationship was different. But he passed away after 5 years.
Im overly positive, they all leave, or think im bragging, when i was just finally having a good day.
Yikes I do a lot of these things 😢Mainly that I am always worried that someone’s mad at me, perfectionism and fawning. It’s like I don’t even know who to be sometimes. Working on taking myself back. Thank you ❤
Thank you for talk so in detail and with great empathy and emotion your job and advice is priceless 🙏 I am humbled to have the chance to meet new people great beings who give so much for the growth of the collective 🙏
my mom had bipolar disorder and when she was manic she raged. For years I feared her and watched her every action carefully. When anger started I shut down.
Great topic, and I do recall doing some of that - as if positivity is somehow bragging, which is something I was always afraid to be seen doing.
That’s why I don’t talk to people.
All the medicine, Therapy, reading studying, and Support Groups does not help this! CPTSD😢
exercise, diet (just proper food), sleep and stressing less helps a lot. You are right medicines make you worse. Try to be out in nature more and stop hanging around with people who aren't good for your mental health. Good luck!
Yep, when you have it, you have it. I have it. I go to therapy, read lots about it, try different things. My flashbacks are still as prevalent as ever. My life is a bit better now, but there are still the hours when I can't sleep and it just eats me up.
The gregarious piece....I remember as child being so bigger than life and vibrant (till CPTSD squashed it) and now that I have worked on so much my feelings of happiness are back and I am sunny cheery, complimentary towards others, celebrating their wins, etc. but I worry people see me as too 'much' happy. But am I too much happy? Or is that just who I've always been? I had to be a fawner as a child so I could see how this might tie in. I just can't sort out which it is bc I genuinely am happy for others and enjoy being happy after being dead and depressed for so long.. CPTSD is exhausting.
@Dr.Sage I would love if you could do a video on how to work on overcoming over meaning making? I get its a form of hypervigilance but need more skills in this area. I appreciate your channel so much!
I did this to the person I deeply love... I am 59, she is 57, Three years Nov this year's (we are not gonna celebrate that)
It's been a week, and it has gone from I never want to hear, see of have any communication with you whatsoever , you are dead to me (what she said to me) and 3 days later, kinder comunication, and told me to call her in 6 months,
So I got a new therapist, bought Mind over Mood, and I am trying to reconnect with myself.
For me.
Life is so rhot. I have listened for YEARS to so many podcasts, and I have also been into therapy. Nothing has worked.
Dr. Sage thank you for the content you create. You have no idea how much your videos help me understand my mental state and why I feel the way I do better
This subject deserves a reply.
I want you to know that I enjoy your content so much! It's so informative and helpful! I feel so seen and less alone after watching because I know I'm not alone in this journey. Thank you so much! ❤
You are amazing! I’m continually learning! Complaining as a way to bond with a parent in childhood can carry over into adulthood and relationships. It’s a way to bond. I saw that with my mother and brother- now it makes so much sense. I see it with my now partner who has CPTSD. I started catching on to it a little while ago and thought I should find a way to steer away from our conversations going in a commiserating type way. Now I get it! I love it. I know better how to handle it! Thank you 🙏 ❤
You just described myself and my two best friends wow did you ever make some things hit home for me?
It’s funny how when you’re trying to do self healing it doesn’t happen consistently every day all of a sudden you get breakthroughs that’s where the work and the change happens if you’re willing to work hard.
My granddaughter her school was involved with a shooting. Horrible! She witnessed what no 14 year old should have. Loud bangs and pops set her off. We all went through this because we didn’t know were she was ( and others) for 2 hrs. It’s been almost 2 years . Counseling is a regular and apart of her life. It’s like a war veteran almost. Learning to be brave to live.
So sorry that she, and all of you went through such a horrifying experience.
I have found for me, replacing nightmarish things, with positive, life-affirming things, helps soothe some of the pain.
I know this might sound random...but looking at pictures, or watching videos of baby animals helps...I think it increases the release of oxytocin.
May Kim help you with strategies, and understandings, that lead to personal peace....for all of you.
What helps is a supportive family and therapy,not any videos.A real pet is good for everyone.However,a single shooting is not Cptsd and is far easier to treat and doesnt change personality like complex trauma does.Ive spent 10 yrs with a Cpstd partner and much time in hospital for my own issues around other patients with PTSD and C ptsd and they are not the same at all.
I suffer with all this and at 22 I’ve ruined everything and I can’t deal with the self hate
Right now i feel like i have busted my ass to be a good person..If anyone wants to reject me for the things i am still working diligently on,they can piss off..I am sick of people anyway.
Same High five
Amen
Exactly.
Same
🙌🙌🙌
People call me negative but I am tethered to reality. Not fantasy land. Zero apologies. All my bank balances are postive though.
it's realizing the need , in a person way that comes across sincere. that is where the rubber hits the road. skid marks and all .
I had to address an issue today that I have been avoiding for a month. After I sharing my truth, I'm feeling sot of flawed, inadequate and ashamed.
I'm hoping these feelings go away tomorrow because this is destabilizing. I feel humiliated but I had to disclose a bit about my CPTSD condition to give context about my stand offish Fuck everthing disposition over the last month. We'll see what happens Monday.
Its gonna be okay hugs
Today was a much better day. There were three unexpected victories in it.
I was anxious about my disclosure being used against me like the first thirty years of my life, but no.
My self disclosure was not used as
a weapon against me in this case.
In fact, it made the person more of an advocate than I could have ever expected.
My eyes were watery throughout the afternoon partly from gratitude., I'm grieving a lost childhood.
There were some activating events over the last two months that set it off again. Thankfully, positive options are on the table for next month. I feel cared about and I'm much more hopeful today.
Peace and love to our healing community.
@@mshottprisslav Ty
What about when the people one is complaining about ARE pushy, ARE creepy, ARE demanding, ARE dictatorial. When I feel manhandled and have my privacy constantly invaded and never seem to do right no matter which way I do it, it's hard not to be always complaining!
@@gestalt422same here. It's a psychological boundary issue.
Staying away from toxic people is key! Once you learn all the boundaries and set yours in stone, none of those toxic others will go near you as they can sense your walls of deflection. This is what I experienced when my boundaries were made stronger! I deflected 2 narcissists husbands of ladies I was speaking to. I felt something new I am dealing with too. I had a feeling of panic and fear discovering these narcissists as I was so triggered by that old abuse I literally was shaking when I got away from them. Still glad I was strong to deflect them though. Not sure how I am going to stop feeling terrified, but it’s a process to recover.
Why are you engaging with people who are pushy and creepy? Is complaining you being passive aggressive instead of assertive ? If someone is creepy, can’t you state your boundary or walk away ? Can you state what you want instead of what you don’t want? Lots of options, the point is, if you keep complaining without taking action, you WILL push others away. So. …. Why not push the creep away ?
I'm trying to enforce my boundaries. I live in subsidized housing because I can't afford not too. The company which manages the building does things like insisting that the only way they will recertify is the way that invades my privacy with my bank. They do things such as write a lease violation for a minor problem which can be solved with a simple heads up while some other lease violator are allowed to loiter outside the building giving the property development a ghetto tenement reputation (even though we all have to sign a no loitering addendum)
They do such things as agreeing to a meeting to discuss these things, then fail to show up at the agreed upon time and then denial that the meetings were even scheduled despite the fact that my therapist has documented that the meetings were supposed to occur but didn't (gaslighting). They do such things as over the years have workplace romances with each other subjecting the building residents to their claims and counterclaims of sexual harassment and unprofessional behavior. They do such things as making rules and not enforcing them or enforcing them inconsistently. They do such things as illegally selling the parking spaces in the building. They do such things as having conflicts of interest that affect some or all of the residents. These and many other illegal, unprofessional, unethical activities...shall I continue. After awhile, it just gets exhausting. These acts ebb and then level off for awhile only to begin anew when one manager gets fired and the next one comes in doing same/similar.
I want to move out and live in a Motorhome to get away from the constant craziness but I can't even afford a used one!
I love your videos, but I think a new mic would be great.
Actually, the room acoustics are the biggest issue; not the mic (though improving that will also help but not without also removing the room ambience).
@@kyleethekeltyes!! When my son goes back to college I am going to make his room a place to record 🙏🏻please hang in there 😂❤❤
Feeling called out 😂
Seriously. This is pretty much me in just about every way.
Another one I realized I did was I actually was attracted to couples (not sexually) because they provided a stability for me that I never had in my home life. But then I’d be very negative and push them away 😞
I fawn and am over pleasant! Used to overshare but aware and self compassion xxx❤❤❤❤
Confusing. In my desperate attempts to NOT be negative, I fawn (#6). It appeared charming and cute when I was young and got me some good jobs. NOW it appears fake and annoying. I dont want to be negative! I dont know how to be "just enough" positive. Im starting to not want to go anywhere or do things bc i dont know how to be now. Im in between jobs and scared out of my mind about getting a new one. I attract co-workers who suck me dry. I will keep studying DBT to see if I can determine some middle ground way to be okay.
You sound like my ex. If I were to give you advice (and you are welcome not to take it) it would be to try and not to focus too much on yourself and how you are perceived. Try and wind down and be more interested in the other person and how they feel about what you two are talking about rather than just projecting what you expect is the correct response. Believe that you are allowed to be less than perfect. What becomes fake and annoying is if you are not willing to calm down and connect. It makes the other person feel unseen as you don't seem to be actually listening or genuine. Good luck.
❤❤❤ I’m with you. It’s exhausting. My counselor tells me to stay plugged in instead of withdrawing ( now, don’t ask me how I’m doing with that lol🤗). I’m thinking that “practicing” is the best way for us. I’m going to some recovery groups for that very purpose. There’s no “safe” place, but I think some are safer to practice in than others. Stay in the game.💪
Thank you for the awareness.
I love the truth in this.. I see myself and a few others in it. Very helpful.. I appreciate the content.
Sheesh - I find it SOO difficult to NOT be "the corrector". I even annoy myself and often I find myself waiting for an opening AND I HATE THIS because it does make people feel stupid. I don't want to make people feel stupid. But I also hate it when "the record isn't correct". It's so dag gone frustrating.
This is so real I pushed my partner away tonight. Single asf now. I’m tired of being the reason why other people are upset. I hate to be angry and I try to be overly understanding but nothing works. I’m calling it quits to most things in life fr.
A lot of yesses except for not reading the room I am always overly scanning people, observe them, their responses, looking for reassurance and safety. I'm always alert. I always feel unsafe and anxious around people and want to prevent them getting angry at me. I was brought up by angry parents.
I thought that was a part of trauma behaviour, so I don't understand her in this one.
Anybody else here who can relate to me?
They did stuff to cause arguments and I was blamed it was always my fault in fact my so called mother said that it was my fault for my shitting father and her son having a fight because my farther worked out that it was him who was abusing me but then my father was abusing her daughter who she had with his half brother and to this day I still feel like everything is my fault had so much counseling but the problem is I don't trust no one and feel so alone I am so glad that you do these videos thank you Kim
You are such a blessing ❤sending love to all.xx
I Agree with all of these!! But one I just learned about myself that would of been really valuable to learn earlier that you did reference too. Is Hyper-Independent which is a direct correlation to my upbringing and complete explains my dating life. But would be helpful if you cover it!! Thanks!! 😊
because I hold myself to a high standard (but always feel like im failing) I often project it on to my partner and criticise him for things he needs to be better at! I am always actively working on myself but sometime you hit a fork in the road of course. when im in that state of lostness I become hardened and critical ! was wondering if that was to do with my Cptsd or possible add ! loved this video , really insightful and I resonated with some of the points for sure !!
"Toxic positivity" I didn't realize you can be too positive.
What I do that's on this list is that I think so much is about me that actually isn't. It can feel embarrassing. I feel so self centered that I try hard to go the other way and think that nothing is about me. But of course some things are about me and I'm missing the hints.
This was really helpful, thank you!
Great video! So many great points!
When my symptoms are bad, I feel helpless and often will ask for help and feel that I rarely get it when I really need it. And I'm not yhe kind of person who asks very often. It exacerbates the helplessness. I'm going through some very difficult things and I feel absolutely helpless and disappointed. I have been critiqued as being too negative, self-absorbed, and playing the victim. I'm not sure these things are true. But I genuinely need help from friends and family and am completely overwheled and alone because I feel like I pushed everyone away. And now I feel very isolated and angry because I have been through serious amounts of trauma in the past 7 years, and the stress of my situation is overwheming. So I don't know what to do. I never had this problem before. But I was always there for me friends and now that I'm houng through a very difficult situation (as a single mother with NO support) everyone avoids me. I guess that I would have expected some compassion, but I don't feel it from anyone in my life. It's so demoralizing and wearing on my mental health.
My very first relationship at 38 brought out all my childhood trauma. I didn't even know I had anxious attachment. And me having so many childhood issues pushed my first bf away. He himself isn't healed and so we were not really compatible.😢
I'm glad I found you.
I am super selfconscious of some of these behaviours! Really, all I need is cats in my life...I miss them
Thank you so much for these videos. Numbers two, four and five are particularly relevant to my experience. Number two: If the teachers snapped at the class in general I would fall to bits and hope like hell they wouldn't notice my existence (fat chance for a blind student in a sighted class). For ages I couldn't listen to Alan Rickman playing Snape because it used to trigger me. Number Four: I was the seven-year-old correcting her classmates' grammar, and I also have perfect pitch. number Five is more complex because I'm blind. Therefore, I can't 'read the room' because so much of interaction is non-verbal. I think that if people don't get eye contact they write you out of their universe because they assume you're not interested whether they mean to or not. We're expected to educate you, put you at your ease, do the reaching out because if we don't we're ignored; and then we have to carry the lion's share of the conversation too, as well as try to 'be normal' (whatever that's supposed to be). No wonder I've become such a grumpy old bag. People are such hard work that I mostly socialise online now. At least in that forum I have a modicum of control. 😩
Hello, while I am not blind, I have a partially deaf (single-sided) daughter. She has struggled because of her disability too. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I haven’t met too many blind people before. If I do, I will handle myself differently.
@@jclay452 Kia ora. 👍👍
7:45 this is a good example how having siblings helps teach your children how to socialise successfully and why single child homes develop introverted adults
I keep repeating the past in my marriage now that I’ve been divorced for 10 years yet I’m I still think of him everyday
Great talk.....could it be that the entire human collective has most of these traits at this time?.....it can seem that way to me.🤔
My son is so awesome but he has been a corrector from birth! 😂Thanks for the awesome tips on how to address that. I know it's natural for him and I am not trying to change him. I just want him to turn it down a notch.
Great video. TY Dr. Sage. Namaste
Do you ad some knowledge about ADHD people who are living with it as long as they know and they just found out. Grateful 🙏
Regarding #2: Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sigmund Freud
the separation of tasks and responsibilities may help
Great video
My thing is I don't trust people
My trauma brain is Unable to get close to ppl, therefore I'm pushing ppl away.
But My awareness thinking brain is always wanting friendship. The two sides conflict😢
I just pushed a good friend away. 😢
Sorry to hear that. If you understand what went wrong and can correct it going forward I'm sure you can get your friend back. My ex pushed me away, but she never realised what she's doing :(
@@TheDavveponken thanks I did and everthings cool.
@@cynthiasarah4286 So glad to hear that!
@@TheDavveponken 😀
Step mother threatened me my whole childhood, I'm so screwed from all of her harassment
Sage advice from Death Vallet Scotty: Scotty’s is buried on the hill overlooking the castle. Next to him is his faithful dog Windy. On his headstone, which is a bust of Scotty are his words, “I got four things to live by: Don’t say nothing that will hurt anybody. Don’t give advice-nobody will take it anyway. Don’t complain. Don’t explain.”
So good to have this awareness 😊
How do we stop projecting our narcissistic parent on people? My brain goes back to the past, and that person becomes unsafe. I want to cut them off because of it. I can sometimes be triggered into emotional flashbacks of anger that last for days when someone exhibits the flags of my narcissist. For example, i have friends who ask for money and also try to portray this image of themselves that isn't real to everyone else. They act superior to my husband and i but try to impress everyone else while relying on us way too much. They are also entitled and rely on me too much. They feel unsafe because these traits remind me of my guardian. old anger from my amygdala from my narcissistic guardian amplifies my anger towards these friends. I can see red flags that are there, but it's like my anger is overactive. Instead of feeling like ok, I can distance myself healthily from this person. I have power. I just wind up feeling powerless because I am triggered into a past emotional state. I start analyzing and ruminating about them and then I feel stuck. This is how my brain worked when I was stuck with my abusive narc guardian who betrayed me and blew threw my inheritance and lied. She was relying in my orphan twin and I for Financials without us even knowing. So I can see the specific connections from my narc and my friends that make them feel threatening. I've had 6 years of therapy, and no therapist has been able to help me with that. This is my biggest struggle from this list. I need coffee haha. I hope this makes sense. I've set up boundaries but it's not enough. I still feel so angry and burnt. I just wish I felt empowered not like a victim. I don't want to be a victim.
I relate to this heavily. Completely put this disabling experience into words perfectly.
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If I think there's nothing that will ever change, I know I'm correct. It's a life's story to explain, that's why it's no possible to convey convincing reasons.
Money would fix most of my fears. Shelter, food and clothing. Healthcare. Some personal experiences. Agency. I am in a hopeless situation. Sabotaged.
So, finding a calm, pleasant place; Pleasure; health? Not unwanted, the obstacles are known. My situation, including mental health deteriorating has blocked me. Trapped me.
Breathing.
...drinking water friends lol 😅 that was cute
Is it possible for a video specific to the "Corrector" type you mentioned?
I’ve got the fawning, sometimes over explain