I feel like you are describing all the same coping mechanisms I used for years and in many ways still do. I appreciate you so much and for how you so openly share your story with us all. Honestly, I listen to so many self developmemt and trauma healing videos on youtube and yours truly are the best out there - your authenticity, wisdom and passion are always so apparent so dont ever doubt how they may be be recieved, they are invaluable 🙏❤️
-Getting out of our angry or vulnerable child mode - not allowing our healthy adult to be constantly evolving -Understanding the somatic anxiety in our bodies from cptsd -Going no contact with narcissist parents and breaking the trauma bond -Developing a strong awareness of steering clear of narcissist partners due to fear, control, vulnerability, trauma bonding and familiar abuse (codependency) -Looking at our compulsive care-taking of others and seeing our value in caring for others when we aren’t doing it for ourselves -Dealing intellectually with our abandonment core wounds and emotionally healing -Working on boundaries full stop - justifying with excuses -Not properly feeling our righteous anger and not channeling it properly -Surrendering control in general -Not trusting your gut hen you know you should Let myself be done.. jumped off that cliff..took risks, changed, fought such as changing careers
I adore you. I adore your transparency and how candid and forthcoming you are. Realizing how alike our lives have been it is so inredibly helpful on my healing journey to hear you share your knowledge and all the ways you have learned to work hard at healing yourself. Your insight is a gift for those of us listening.
It amazes me how as we age, that we still learn something new each day. I appreciate your honesty by you being able to have the capacity to be so vulnerable. As a Dismissive Avoidant individual, I can relate to many of the same experiences that your sharing.
Dr Kim, I only discovered your channel this week and already your understanding and ability to clearly explain psychological issues is fantastic. I was blown away by your description of Complex PTSD. I didn’t know that such a wide constellation of symptoms existed much less that so many of them described my life. I am 70 years young and it’s shocking to feel the effect of these emotions in my nervous system at this stage. And I’m working to heal the health effects of this negativity on my body and mind. Please keep up the good work!
I totally understand and resonate. Thank you doctor! Love you!!!!❤❤❤❤ I'm 44 woman with CPTSD. I am the same way! Same thing except the trailer park and stuff. The anxiety has been a major issue. Depression led to an eating disorder where I just stopped eating and forgot to eat. It was pretty bad. Getting healthy now and setting boundaries with a firm grip. Nobody is going to bully me. ❤❤❤❤
I really love and appreciate your content and it really hits home because we're the same age with four grown children. This is remarkable because I'm 56 and literally just coming to terms with the fact that I've been in a trauma trance. It makes me overwhelmingly sad that I've wasted 40 years entrenched in self-hate and in beliefs about myself and believing that others didn't like me when it was completely untrue. I also punished myself by settling for toxic relationships. I finally come to the light and I'm learning so much 🙏❤️
Spot on again, Dr. Kim. I think the terrifying feeling of showing up as the real you is also part of the trauma response. I have that feeling as well but I realize that when I am most myself is when I have the greatest impact in my professional relationships and with my friends and family. We grow up learning to hide ourselves to please others and it is a trip to realize that being authentically ourselves is where our greatest joy and achievements lie. Didn’t Jung say it is a privilege to become what we were meant to be? Glad you are finally thriving!
Your showing me what I have been realizing. Healing takes A LOOOOONG time. I hope it will be sped up for future generations so that they don't have to keep going on a downward spiral for so long. It seems as if we don't really start coming out of childhood trauma until middle age.
Ty for sharing. You give me hope that I can still write my own ending for my story. I am 49 and I just moved out of my moms house. I was there for 8 years but I had to go there and I wasn’t healthy for the first 4. I am the baby of 10 children and my father was chronically ill through out my entire childhood. He died on my mom’s birthday and my senior year of high school. I had 5 months to go when he passed. I never left my moms side I didn’t know what I wanted or who I am. Well I am 4 days into my search for knowledge and understanding and I appreciate the opportunity to hear your story cause I know I am not alone or flawed and I’m not going to carry the heavy weight of the anxiety, anger and constant criticism ect ect. Thanks again 😊
Thank you for being brave enough to be so vulnerable. I think it makes you more professional, at least, in my opinion. I can’t relate to therapists who are not willing to share their own stories. It sounds like you have done an amazing job of parenting yourself. That’s something I’m still working on and I’m in my 60s! I can relate to everything you talked about. I still find that I beat myself over the head for things and I’m trying to work on self-forgiveness. I seem to discover something new about myself almost every day, and I agree with you that it will probably go on forever. It took several catastrophes in order for me to finally realize that I was letting my childhood needs completely control me. Thank you again for sharing and I think your children are so, so lucky to have you as a parent. I’m sure they feel that way as well. 💕💕
Thank you. I also have many blessings and a very tattered safety net. It can be scary sometimes that combinations. I have to agree completely that knowing I can care for myself, in all aspects, is what keeps me ok. Maybe it can make me too independent at times, but it also keeps me feeling safe.
Wow! Everything you said describes me. Especially the part about anger. My mother was would go into rages; it’s amazing she didn’t have a stoke much sooner than she did. So I was terrified of my own anger and literally stuffed it down my throat, eating my way up to 350lbs. I think a lot of obesity is repressed anger and fear. I no longer weigh that much but still struggle to be “normal”. Hearing you talk about your experience has helped me feel like I’m not alone.
As I’m learning more about trauma, narcissists and a dysfunctional family the more I see how emotionally immature my family is. This definitely shows when I try to set boundaries or talk about something like a mature adult. It makes me laugh but it is also extremely hurtful to get the silent treatment when you decide to not be a people pleaser. As someone in my 30s it’s very sad seeing how I can still be treated but then I have to remember my family is still in their reality of trauma and can’t see what they do clearly due to emotional immaturity. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s funny how one day we just snap out of it and see what’s really in front of us.
The problem in life in general is that good people don't know what to do when they run into people or situations outside of their way of behavior. We want to think the best of people even when it is unwise to do so. Reality is tough and as Robert Fritz said, "An acquired taste."
This was so helpful to hear and so validating. Thank you for being vulnerable with us and sharing your experience, you are helping many people with your insight. ❤
This is intense and I had a trauma bond with my mom, and got partially through it, and yet apologized to her near her death. She couldn’t speak anymore due to a stroke and I think she understand mentally what people were saying. It’s interesting that for awhile I was considering a psychologist and even found out about CPTSD. Then this video shows up. It’s a miracle, thanks. 🎉
Love your vulnerability…. So real…-and shows your inner strength. You’ve done a lot of inner work. That is admirable. Thank you for trusting us enough to be real. Love how you don’t pretend to be perfect while being an accomplished therapist.
Hi Kim. Works in progress. That is what resonated with me in your presentation. But that has to also be a conscious decision we make. So many people aren't works in progress; they refuse to learn, to change, to grow. We don't have to be perfect; we just have to keep learning. Ngā mihi nui, Kylee
Wow, you just described me and my whole life! Almost everything you said you went through, I went through, too. Only my trauma went into my body and became chronic illness, which has kept me very restricted in my life for many years. I wish you were able to take another client (me). Keep up the great work.
In learning about trauma one of the items that frustrates me is the repeating theme of trauma childhood and relationship to ‘care taking’. I grew up with a fairy tale home with zero trauma and with an amazing family. My husband had suppressed cPTSD. He is a horrible caregiver. Zero empathy, insanely selfish, almost no compassion and super emotionally neglectful.
I relate so much to this video especially the part about the anxiety about losing someone. I don't know if it stems from me desperately wanting and needing unconditional love and fearing once I get it, it'll be gone in the snap of a finger or if it comes from something my mom used to tell me to make me behave. When I was a child and (even now as an adult) She used to tell me when I was emotional or reacting to her that I was stressing her out so much that I was going to give her a stroke or heart attack. And she'd say, "You'll get your wish, I'll be dead soon ". No matter how much she hurt me, I never wanted her to die or be hurt. I remember being scared she'd die whenever I heard her sigh or get angry and I feared if she did it would be my fault. I notice now that I'm so overprotective of friends and even my dog because I'm afraid if I can't be in control over their safety and watch them every moment, something bad will happen. Movies like Adrift made me bawl my eyes out cause I never want to lose someone I love and be alone without them.
Kim, thank you so so much for sharing more and more of your story. I feel like we are the exact same person. Way too many similarities (except I never had children). I have never ever heard of anyone else with a story like mine until finding your channel a few months ago. All this to say that you give me so much hope about my own healing and future. Like you I'm in my fifties as well - with only myself. Please keep sharing your heart. Thanks again ❤
Hi! Recently found your channel. I’m finding your content very relatable and inspiring. I’m a mental health care professional from a chaotic unpredictable and emotionally neglectful home. I’ve put myself though so much suffering by re-enacting my trauma bonds in intimate relationships. Understanding my neurodiversity has helped to see just how much fawning and pleasing I’ve been doing my entire life. I’m a single parent to just one child who is autistic with pathological demand avoidance. Also have no safety net… it’s just me. Last year I managed to extricate myself from a traumatic relationship with a partner of 2.5 yrs who had a rapid onset cognitive decline. I thought I’d finally found someone who would be there for me emotionally, physically, intellectually and financially. Suddenly he was dependent on me instead and bringing chaos into my life and my home. I’m finally in charge of my life again and recovering.
So much of this video I identify with, my insides are screaming this isnt right, but dont know how to make it stop, and believing all the while that I am the problem, there is something wrong with me that I cant accept their unacceptable behavior. So sick.
Sometimes I listen to your videos and hear my own story and think are we the same person? The details are different, but you’re describing my lived experience and all the feelings and coping skills that go with all of it. I have found myself at times gobsmacked to the point of saying out loud, “Ma’am! Stop telling my story!”😂 I’d love for you to say more about how to deal with my own parenting regrets. I don’t know that I’d change anything, as you said, but also I am aware that my kid has been infected by my hypervigilance, and I see some people pleasing tendencies in my incredible adult son that make my stomach hurt for him 😢
My mother was not a mother. I taught myself how to be a mother, to my son, my only child. I made ALOT of mistakes but can honestly say at least I tried. I tried because I never wanted my child to feel how I have felt my entire life. My son died last year after a lengthy battle with colon cancer. He was 45. I still feel the guilt of not being a better mother to him. I soooo wish I had known then what I know now. I will never forgive myself.
That hyper vigilant, anxiety, controlling based way of being is fraight with confusion and pain for sure, not only for self but others. I don't think wishing to know earlier is useful or even valid really because we all do the best we can with the knowledge and skills we have at the time. I guess looking back and reflecting gives understanding for our current selves and sharing those learnings can be useful to others who are at an earlier stage of something weve been thru can assist as a kind of guidance. But at the end of the day no situation is ever the same and neither are we, so l think showing kindness and being gentle with ourselves and others for not knowing or seeing our patterns and trauma is the most loving thing we can do right now. Thank you for sharing your journeys through trauma and may we continue to be gentle on ourselves and each other as we continue towards healing. 💖
I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you and your being this honest and vulnerable. Because it's helping me to decipher, process, and come to terms with quite a lot, and I'm 63. No matter our age, I suppose we all want to learn who we really are or how to be our authentic self. You really have given me so much insight, hope, and a much better perspective. Many Blessings to you and your family. Thank you 🕊
You are amazing and now forgive the little girl who knew no different. Resonate with conflict and anger avoidance. I have terror daily but like you have overcome a lot. I made excuses for others behaviour that was unacceptable. It’s all part of traumatic history. Every day is challenging. You are inspiring and ‘Still we Rise’ love you and thanks for everything xxx❤❤❤❤❤
Wow thank you I feel like I don't know how I can do this on my own i have no education and am disabled with not enough money to get a place of my own i just realized if I don't leave I won't be alive to leave I am so thankful I found your videos I have been told to get therapy and have been frozen not knowing how to do anything on my own and I'm 63 😢😢
So much of this feels like my own life. Can you please explain more about the situation with your mom if thats ok? Ive gone nc lately at age 50 and its very challenging with my 4 kids who still have a relationship with her
i went no contact on and off throughout the years and by some miracle she actually started to learn my boundaries!! it is not perfect but knowing that she is actually trying to hear me instead of treating me like a therapist.....well i am so grateful because i am nearing 50 and she is nearing her mid 70s wish you the best too 💖
Thank you for being so real, authentic and vulnerable with us. Please continue to share, I relate to you so much and find your explanations as to the "why" behind certain behaviors so liberating and soothing. You're amazing!
Oh! I cried at the end of the video, I am so touched everytime I watch your content. I am on a very similar journey, and already been implementing some of what you describe, like you said it's an ongoing work, but I am very grateful of how you present it in such a clear, helpful and relatable way. Much love your way!
You story HELPED sooooooo much....I relate to most and that is enlightening and give me UNDERSTANDING and hope for Healing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TONS
It was a wake up call when I realized one day that I was reliving my childhood trauma in my carefully curated adult live. Yes, my children and I had financial security, our own home and there was no shouting, but underneath it was the same. But unlike you, I didn't get out. I still thought I could change everything if I tried hard enough. I couldn't. The kids grew up, and moved out, and my husband took a job in another country. I couldn't bring myself to go with him and we agreed on a long distance relationship. Absence does make the heart grew fonder, and my husband did change in many significant ways and I believed we finally made it good. But then he got ill, and he died in April. Now I am trying to come out of the trance I have been in for so long, but I am so traumatized by his illness and death and the deaths of both my parents last year, that it feels as if I can't move. I do what needs to be done, but I am so unplugged from my life that I can't even call it a life. I am just surviving. Thank you for sharing your experiences as well as your knowledge. It may be a life line for me.
imagine for a moment that you are your best friend what would your best friend want for you? to heal? to find joy again? to enjoy small pleasures again...sunshine, music, art?
@@juliemichaud9439 Yes, to heal, and to find joy where joy can be found. My number one priority at the moment is to look after myself well, to eat regularly, get some movement and go to bed at a decent hour. It is not easy, but I am getting better.
Thank you for sharing your very personal journey. I just broke free from a decades old situation w/a malignant narc and most videos are about the narc. Been there, done that. Now to heal and learn how to live... at the end of my life, with no $, work skills, and emotionally shattered. Your videos are so helpful. Thank you. Also, I am in love with your wall paper. THAT is what I need for a bedroom of peace. Do you know what company makes it? Thanks.
Well... I could relate to EVERY SINGLE THING you mentioned in this video -- and it is breathtaking. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. You are just wonderful -- I am trying to learn as much as I can from you and continue healing, every day.
Thank you so much for sharing, for being vulnerable and honest. It's so damn brave of you! I went no contact last Sunday, I tried one last time to give her a chance and she let me down. I've had periods with less contact and my mental health is so much better without her around. It's sad, but I think I'm ready to put myself first. I'm done letting people get away with hurting me or not respecting me. I can't heal with her still in my life. I'm so grateful for all you do for me and others❤
Thank you for sharing your story, you are very brave. Speaking honestly my need to be " the perfect mom" when my first daughter was born led to an insane amount of post partum depression, panic attacks, anxiety, depression which came on out of nowhere... later now that I am pregnant with baby #7 I realized I had that due to trauma as well as comparing myself to the "magazine moms" ones with expensive toys a nice house, moms who looked "perfectly put together." After I stopped looking at those things and said hey second hand toys and clothes are just as perfect I have a much better grasp on what caused those issues. Society shows and expects perfection. I embrace my chaos and imperfections, sometimes we just need to hear we are great where we are.
OMG. Your precious trauma mask video put into words all the things I’ve been feeling and trying to find words for. I’m going through a rocky journey at the moment but you’ve made me really think that I need to dig deeper into what I thought was a great childhood to figure out why I ended up in the 28 year relationship I am now trying to get out of. Thank you 🙏🏼 I wish you were my therapist. ❤
I am a man, 68y, I am HSP and diagnosed with c-PTSD(sexual abuse and bully), I guess I am reacting to your HSP radiance, normally, I am a analyst, rational and I keep my emotions in check; your voice and attitude touch me emotionally, what is quite surprising, surprising it happens to me, normally, I'm supposed to have a better control. When you speak about yourself, it makes me so angry, how can those people justify hurting others, especially sensitive others, "I feel hurt, so you have to suffer!", is that a justification? So, when I see people like you, suffering because you are to empathic, I am...angry. Anyway, thank you that you exist and share.
@@MD.orion1 I don't know if you ever have seen the expression from very angry small children, that evil face telling you:"I want to hurt you! hard!!!"Well, that feeling....and I am not a little child.
Thank you so much ! I have a similar story and am making it on my own with no back up and doing well , but I still have a fear of losing things , I thought I was the only one that had this fear . Thanks again for sharing😊
I am having that panic right now. I feel sick. In standing up I am experiencing and terrible fear reaction. I feel like a child even though I took a stand! My mother is so into her own needs she is neglecting my father who needs cancer tests and treatment. She is having none of his treatment to get better. I'm not going along with her inaction.
This video was the therapy and guidance I needed. Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences and knowledge with us, it takes courage to let you light shine and be yourself.❤
I am new to your content and have binged close to a dozen of your videos. All have been sooooo relatable and immensely helpful. I gavexa wonderful therapist who has guided me through EMDR, IFS and neurofeedback, among other healing strategies. But the additional content on your channel is an incredible, potentially life-saving resource. Please keep offering your wise and practical guidance!! Much Love from Canada XOXO
Please do cover rebuilding your career after trauma bonding... Not enough is talked about financial autonomy and career building as part of your sense of self.
Talking about your own personal experiences may be scary, but it's not unprofessional. At the end of the day, therapists are also people, and so many people choose to become therapists because of their own trauma. I think that therapists like yourself and Mickey Atkins showing your authentic self online in a way gives people permission to open up about their trauma because, if therapists can do it, then so can we.
Dear Kim, what a beautiful video, deeply resonates. I can literally feel the healing effect of your words. I could feel unbelievably present and connected with you. Thank you, beautiful soul. ❤❤❤❤❤️
I would love to listen to a channel that just focuses on boundaries and setting them internal and external. Would be so helpful to have examples and real life. Examples from the audience kind of like a dear Abby how do I set this boundary? For instance, I’m a highly sensitive person and when I get around super judging people I take on that energy. How does one create an internal boundary against the invisible? Maybe you’ll start a boundaries channel! It could even be the boundaries network channel with other professionals, so we can all get a masters in setting boundaries for personal health
Beautiful great job!! Yes it is terrifying to even be in this world alone. I know that now as I'm all alone no family. Yeppers I totally agree I was very OCD perfectionist trying lol 😂 I was just like you Covert 31 years then he died last year Last 8 years with him he was very angry and raging Only then did the relationship start feeling like my childhood, when he became angry at me and more overt less covert!! Then he got AML cancer and passed away a year 1/2 later while angry at me and no apologies for his behavior. So I now learned his behaviors and mine this last year along with why we were the way we were. That is so healing with in its self and able to forgive him now. Yes I was trying to control everything all my life too and never knew it! I was a compulsive care taker that's how I ended up in a covert relationship. Then when I was 52 years old I had enough of my mother also covert. Yet like you I never left her completely I still took care of her till she died last year!! Thanks for this video it feels good to have a place to be ourselves. Thx Kim
With 4 kids and 12 years out of the workforce you still jumped ship out of your toxic relationship. You’re unbelievably inspiring.
I feel like you are describing all the same coping mechanisms I used for years and in many ways still do. I appreciate you so much and for how you so openly share your story with us all. Honestly, I listen to so many self developmemt and trauma healing videos on youtube and yours truly are the best out there - your authenticity, wisdom and passion are always so apparent so dont ever doubt how they may be be recieved, they are invaluable 🙏❤️
I feel the same way about this video
-Getting out of our angry or vulnerable child mode - not allowing our healthy adult to be constantly evolving
-Understanding the somatic anxiety in our bodies from cptsd
-Going no contact with narcissist parents and breaking the trauma bond
-Developing a strong awareness of steering clear of narcissist partners due to fear, control, vulnerability, trauma bonding and familiar abuse (codependency)
-Looking at our compulsive care-taking of others and seeing our value in caring for others when we aren’t doing it for ourselves
-Dealing intellectually with our abandonment core wounds and emotionally healing
-Working on boundaries full stop - justifying with excuses
-Not properly feeling our righteous anger and not channeling it properly
-Surrendering control in general
-Not trusting your gut hen you know you should
Let myself be done.. jumped off that cliff..took risks, changed, fought such as changing careers
I adore you. I adore your transparency and how candid and forthcoming you are. Realizing how alike our lives have been it is so inredibly helpful on my healing journey to hear you share your knowledge and all the ways you have learned to work hard at healing yourself. Your insight is a gift for those of us listening.
Yes!
At 52 I'm just now dealing with Horrible Childhood Trauma..
I've seen enough Hell for 100 lifetimes. Thank you
🫂🌹🫂
Im 50 and struggling with difficult CPTSD myself, sending you big hugs
It amazes me how as we age, that we still learn something new each day. I appreciate your honesty by you being able to have the capacity to be so vulnerable. As a Dismissive Avoidant individual, I can relate to many of the same experiences that your sharing.
Dr Kim, I only discovered your channel this week and already your understanding and ability to clearly explain psychological issues is fantastic. I was blown away by your description of Complex PTSD. I didn’t know that such a wide constellation of symptoms existed much less that so many of them described my life. I am 70 years young and it’s shocking to feel the effect of these emotions in my nervous system at this stage. And I’m working to heal the health effects of this negativity on my body and mind. Please keep up the good work!
I totally understand and resonate. Thank you doctor! Love you!!!!❤❤❤❤ I'm 44 woman with CPTSD. I am the same way! Same thing except the trailer park and stuff. The anxiety has been a major issue. Depression led to an eating disorder where I just stopped eating and forgot to eat. It was pretty bad. Getting healthy now and setting boundaries with a firm grip. Nobody is going to bully me. ❤❤❤❤
I really love and appreciate your content and it really hits home because we're the same age with four grown children. This is remarkable because I'm 56 and literally just coming to terms with the fact that I've been in a trauma trance. It makes me overwhelmingly sad that I've wasted 40 years entrenched in self-hate and in beliefs about myself and believing that others didn't like me when it was completely untrue. I also punished myself by settling for toxic relationships. I finally come to the light and I'm learning so much 🙏❤️
the changes and the risks are terrifying but worth it. even if you make a choice that isn’t for long term it’s worth it
Spot on again, Dr. Kim. I think the terrifying feeling of showing up as the real you is also part of the trauma response. I have that feeling as well but I realize that when I am most myself is when I have the greatest impact in my professional relationships and with my friends and family. We grow up learning to hide ourselves to please others and it is a trip to realize that being authentically ourselves is where our greatest joy and achievements lie. Didn’t Jung say it is a privilege to become what we were meant to be? Glad you are finally thriving!
Your showing me what I have been realizing. Healing takes A LOOOOONG time. I hope it will be sped up for future generations so that they don't have to keep going on a downward spiral for so long. It seems as if we don't really start coming out of childhood trauma until middle age.
FSA (family scapegoat abuse) with CPTSD as a result. oh wow ah ha moment.. a trauma trance yes.. omg wow thank you for labelling this ❤
42 and my kids are now adults! Only now has this all resurfaced (I suppressed so much just to bring up my children) ❤
Exactly me too
Ty for sharing. You give me hope that I can still write my own ending for my story. I am 49 and I just moved out of my moms house. I was there for 8 years but I had to go there and I wasn’t healthy for the first 4. I am the baby of 10 children and my father was chronically ill through out my entire childhood. He died on my mom’s birthday and my senior year of high school. I had 5 months to go when he passed. I never left my moms side I didn’t know what I wanted or who I am. Well I am 4 days into my search for knowledge and understanding and I appreciate the opportunity to hear your story cause I know I am not alone or flawed and I’m not going to carry the heavy weight of the anxiety, anger and constant criticism ect ect. Thanks again 😊
🫂🌹🫂 BRAVO for stepping out. Keep going.
Thank you for being brave enough to be so vulnerable. I think it makes you more professional, at least, in my opinion. I can’t relate to therapists who are not willing to share their own stories. It sounds like you have done an amazing job of parenting yourself. That’s something I’m still working on and I’m in my 60s! I can relate to everything you talked about. I still find that I beat myself over the head for things and I’m trying to work on self-forgiveness. I seem to discover something new about myself almost every day, and I agree with you that it will probably go on forever. It took several catastrophes in order for me to finally realize that I was letting my childhood needs completely control me. Thank you again for sharing and I think your children are so, so lucky to have you as a parent. I’m sure they feel that way as well. 💕💕
Thank you. I also have many blessings and a very tattered safety net. It can be scary sometimes that combinations. I have to agree completely that knowing I can care for myself, in all aspects, is what keeps me ok. Maybe it can make me too independent at times, but it also keeps me feeling safe.
Wow! Everything you said describes me. Especially the part about anger. My mother was would go into rages; it’s amazing she didn’t have a stoke much sooner than she did. So I was terrified of my own anger and literally stuffed it down my throat, eating my way up to 350lbs. I think a lot of obesity is repressed anger and fear. I no longer weigh that much but still struggle to be “normal”. Hearing you talk about your experience has helped me feel like I’m not alone.
As I’m learning more about trauma, narcissists and a dysfunctional family the more I see how emotionally immature my family is. This definitely shows when I try to set boundaries or talk about something like a mature adult. It makes me laugh but it is also extremely hurtful to get the silent treatment when you decide to not be a people pleaser. As someone in my 30s it’s very sad seeing how I can still be treated but then I have to remember my family is still in their reality of trauma and can’t see what they do clearly due to emotional immaturity. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s funny how one day we just snap out of it and see what’s really in front of us.
The problem in life in general is that good people don't know what to do when they run into people or situations outside of their way of behavior. We want to think the best of people even when it is unwise to do so. Reality is tough and as Robert Fritz said, "An acquired taste."
I relate to so much of your experience, even if it's not completely identical. Grateful for your transparency and expertise. ❤
This was so helpful to hear and so validating. Thank you for being vulnerable with us and sharing your experience, you are helping many people with your insight. ❤
This is intense and I had a trauma bond with my mom, and got partially through it, and yet apologized to her near her death. She couldn’t speak anymore due to a stroke and I think she understand mentally what people were saying.
It’s interesting that for awhile I was considering a psychologist and even found out about CPTSD. Then this video shows up. It’s a miracle, thanks. 🎉
I'm 61 and your story is much like mine. Wow
Love your vulnerability…. So real…-and shows your inner strength. You’ve done a lot of inner work. That is admirable. Thank you for trusting us enough to be real. Love how you don’t pretend to be perfect while being an accomplished therapist.
Hi Kim. Works in progress. That is what resonated with me in your presentation. But that has to also be a conscious decision we make. So many people aren't works in progress; they refuse to learn, to change, to grow. We don't have to be perfect; we just have to keep learning. Ngā mihi nui, Kylee
Wow, you just described me and my whole life! Almost everything you said you went through, I went through, too. Only my trauma went into my body and became chronic illness, which has kept me very restricted in my life for many years. I wish you were able to take another client (me). Keep up the great work.
This notification arrived at the perfect moment. Thank you.
In learning about trauma one of the items that frustrates me is the repeating theme of trauma childhood and relationship to ‘care taking’. I grew up with a fairy tale home with zero trauma and with an amazing family. My husband had suppressed cPTSD. He is a horrible caregiver. Zero empathy, insanely selfish, almost no compassion and super emotionally neglectful.
I relate so much to this video especially the part about the anxiety about losing someone. I don't know if it stems from me desperately wanting and needing unconditional love and fearing once I get it, it'll be gone in the snap of a finger or if it comes from something my mom used to tell me to make me behave. When I was a child and (even now as an adult) She used to tell me when I was emotional or reacting to her that I was stressing her out so much that I was going to give her a stroke or heart attack. And she'd say, "You'll get your wish, I'll be dead soon ". No matter how much she hurt me, I never wanted her to die or be hurt. I remember being scared she'd die whenever I heard her sigh or get angry and I feared if she did it would be my fault. I notice now that I'm so overprotective of friends and even my dog because I'm afraid if I can't be in control over their safety and watch them every moment, something bad will happen.
Movies like Adrift made me bawl my eyes out cause I never want to lose someone I love and be alone without them.
That's horribly manipulative of your mum. Nothing ever truly ever goes away. It just changes form.
My mother said the same thing . I'd do anything to have her back but life went back on. I never wish I'll on others as it's bad karma for me
Yep
Thank you for sharing and validating patterns from trauma wounds. I appreciate you.
I think your posts are amazing.
Kim, thank you so so much for sharing more and more of your story. I feel like we are the exact same person. Way too many similarities (except I never had children). I have never ever heard of anyone else with a story like mine until finding your channel a few months ago. All this to say that you give me so much hope about my own healing and future. Like you I'm in my fifties as well - with only myself. Please keep sharing your heart. Thanks again ❤
Hi! Recently found your channel. I’m finding your content very relatable and inspiring.
I’m a mental health care professional from a chaotic unpredictable and emotionally neglectful home. I’ve put myself though so much suffering by re-enacting my trauma bonds in intimate relationships. Understanding my neurodiversity has helped to see just how much fawning and pleasing I’ve been doing my entire life. I’m a single parent to just one child who is autistic with pathological demand avoidance. Also have no safety net… it’s just me. Last year I managed to extricate myself from a traumatic relationship with a partner of 2.5 yrs who had a rapid onset cognitive decline. I thought I’d finally found someone who would be there for me emotionally, physically, intellectually and financially. Suddenly he was dependent on me instead and bringing chaos into my life and my home.
I’m finally in charge of my life again and recovering.
So much of this video I identify with, my insides are screaming this isnt right, but dont know how to make it stop, and believing all the while that I am the problem, there is something wrong with me that I cant accept their unacceptable behavior. So sick.
Thank you Dr. Kim!
My story is much different from yours, but I receive comfort from your story and your successes!
Sometimes I listen to your videos and hear my own story and think are we the same person? The details are different, but you’re describing my lived experience and all the feelings and coping skills that go with all of it. I have found myself at times gobsmacked to the point of saying out loud, “Ma’am! Stop telling my story!”😂
I’d love for you to say more about how to deal with my own parenting regrets. I don’t know that I’d change anything, as you said, but also I am aware that my kid has been infected by my hypervigilance, and I see some people pleasing tendencies in my incredible adult son that make my stomach hurt for him 😢
My mother was not a mother. I taught myself how to be a mother, to my son, my only child. I made ALOT of mistakes but can honestly say at least I tried. I tried because I never wanted my child to feel how I have felt my entire life. My son died last year after a lengthy battle with colon cancer. He was 45. I still feel the guilt of not being a better mother to him. I soooo wish I had known then what I know now. I will never forgive myself.
Kim you are a gem. So many life parallels. So glad I found this channel. I’m gobbling your content up 😂
How gentle and sweet you are with your dog?? so wholesome
That hyper vigilant, anxiety, controlling based way of being is fraight with confusion and pain for sure, not only for self but others. I don't think wishing to know earlier is useful or even valid really because we all do the best we can with the knowledge and skills we have at the time. I guess looking back and reflecting gives understanding for our current selves and sharing those learnings can be useful to others who are at an earlier stage of something weve been thru can assist as a kind of guidance. But at the end of the day no situation is ever the same and neither are we, so l think showing kindness and being gentle with ourselves and others for not knowing or seeing our patterns and trauma is the most loving thing we can do right now. Thank you for sharing your journeys through trauma and may we continue to be gentle on ourselves and each other as we continue towards healing. 💖
I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you and your being this honest and vulnerable. Because it's helping me to decipher, process, and come to terms with quite a lot, and I'm 63. No matter our age, I suppose we all want to learn who we really are or how to be our authentic self. You really have given me so much insight, hope, and a much better perspective. Many Blessings to you and your family. Thank you 🕊
You are amazing and now forgive the little girl who knew no different. Resonate with conflict and anger avoidance. I have terror daily but like you have overcome a lot. I made excuses for others behaviour that was unacceptable. It’s all part of traumatic history. Every day is challenging. You are inspiring and ‘Still we Rise’ love you and thanks for everything xxx❤❤❤❤❤
Wow thank you I feel like I don't know how I can do this on my own i have no education and am disabled with not enough money to get a place of my own i just realized if I don't leave I won't be alive to leave I am so thankful I found your videos I have been told to get therapy and have been frozen not knowing how to do anything on my own and I'm 63 😢😢
So much of this feels like my own life. Can you please explain more about the situation with your mom if thats ok? Ive gone nc lately at age 50 and its very challenging with my 4 kids who still have a relationship with her
i went no contact on and off throughout the years and by some miracle she actually started to learn my boundaries!! it is not perfect but knowing that she is actually trying to hear me instead of treating me like a therapist.....well i am so grateful because i am nearing 50 and she is nearing her mid 70s
wish you the best too 💖
Thank you for being so real, authentic and vulnerable with us. Please continue to share, I relate to you so much and find your explanations as to the "why" behind certain behaviors so liberating and soothing. You're amazing!
It took me 3 marriages to start realising that I needed to truly face my childhood patterns and not just talk about them
"It's a good thing" syndrome!! Me too. Love you Kim 😘
Our stories are so similar. We have evolved. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. Brave. 💗💗💗
Oh! I cried at the end of the video, I am so touched everytime I watch your content. I am on a very similar journey, and already been implementing some of what you describe, like you said it's an ongoing work, but I am very grateful of how you present it in such a clear, helpful and relatable way. Much love your way!
These videos help me a lot. The child perspective is what I needed. I’m still going through so much and it’s helpful to relate to others who know.❤
You story HELPED sooooooo much....I relate to most and that is enlightening and give me UNDERSTANDING and hope for Healing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TONS
Dr Kim- thank you for this and every video you post. You are helping me heal with every word. Thank you
I think I just woke up. So thankful for your videos! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 I want to heal!! 🙏🏼❤️😇
It was a wake up call when I realized one day that I was reliving my childhood trauma in my carefully curated adult live. Yes, my children and I had financial security, our own home and there was no shouting, but underneath it was the same. But unlike you, I didn't get out. I still thought I could change everything if I tried hard enough. I couldn't. The kids grew up, and moved out, and my husband took a job in another country. I couldn't bring myself to go with him and we agreed on a long distance relationship. Absence does make the heart grew fonder, and my husband did change in many significant ways and I believed we finally made it good. But then he got ill, and he died in April. Now I am trying to come out of the trance I have been in for so long, but I am so traumatized by his illness and death and the deaths of both my parents last year, that it feels as if I can't move. I do what needs to be done, but I am so unplugged from my life that I can't even call it a life. I am just surviving. Thank you for sharing your experiences as well as your knowledge. It may be a life line for me.
imagine for a moment that you are your best friend
what would your best friend want for you? to heal? to find joy again? to enjoy small pleasures again...sunshine, music, art?
@@juliemichaud9439 Yes, to heal, and to find joy where joy can be found. My number one priority at the moment is to look after myself well, to eat regularly, get some movement and go to bed at a decent hour. It is not easy, but I am getting better.
Ooofff, so many things I relate with about your personal story. Keep up the inspiration ❤
So helpful and validating. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your very personal journey. I just broke free from a decades old situation w/a malignant narc and most videos are about the narc. Been there, done that. Now to heal and learn how to live... at the end of my life, with no $, work skills, and emotionally shattered. Your videos are so helpful. Thank you. Also, I am in love with your wall paper. THAT is what I need for a bedroom of peace. Do you know what company makes it? Thanks.
Love your videos. They're really insightful
Wow I picked a covert narcissist your explaining my life I'm now trying to get away from him and it's so dangerous
Well... I could relate to EVERY SINGLE THING you mentioned in this video -- and it is breathtaking. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. You are just wonderful -- I am trying to learn as much as I can from you and continue healing, every day.
Great video. Hope to see more of you.
Thank you so much for sharing, for being vulnerable and honest. It's so damn brave of you! I went no contact last Sunday, I tried one last time to give her a chance and she let me down. I've had periods with less contact and my mental health is so much better without her around. It's sad, but I think I'm ready to put myself first. I'm done letting people get away with hurting me or not respecting me. I can't heal with her still in my life.
I'm so grateful for all you do for me and others❤
Thank you for sharing your story, you are very brave. Speaking honestly my need to be " the perfect mom" when my first daughter was born led to an insane amount of post partum depression, panic attacks, anxiety, depression which came on out of nowhere... later now that I am pregnant with baby #7 I realized I had that due to trauma as well as comparing myself to the "magazine moms" ones with expensive toys a nice house, moms who looked "perfectly put together." After I stopped looking at those things and said hey second hand toys and clothes are just as perfect I have a much better grasp on what caused those issues. Society shows and expects perfection. I embrace my chaos and imperfections, sometimes we just need to hear we are great where we are.
OMG. Your precious trauma mask video put into words all the things I’ve been feeling and trying to find words for. I’m going through a rocky journey at the moment but you’ve made me really think that I need to dig deeper into what I thought was a great childhood to figure out why I ended up in the 28 year relationship I am now trying to get out of. Thank you 🙏🏼 I wish you were my therapist. ❤
I am a man, 68y, I am HSP and diagnosed with c-PTSD(sexual abuse and bully), I guess I am reacting to your HSP radiance, normally, I am a analyst, rational and I keep my emotions in check; your voice and attitude touch me emotionally, what is quite surprising, surprising it happens to me, normally, I'm supposed to have a better control. When you speak about yourself, it makes me so angry, how can those people justify hurting others, especially sensitive others, "I feel hurt, so you have to suffer!", is that a justification? So, when I see people like you, suffering because you are to empathic, I am...angry. Anyway, thank you that you exist and share.
And how much angrier if those are children being abused by those people?
@@MD.orion1 I don't know if you ever have seen the expression from very angry small children, that evil face telling you:"I want to hurt you! hard!!!"Well, that feeling....and I am not a little child.
You are so brave, I see all of the parts of you that are here. It’s really authentic. You have helped me and I resonate so much with your videos ♥️♥️
Thank you so much ! I have a similar story and am making it on my own with no back up and doing well , but I still have a fear of losing things , I thought I was the only one that had this fear . Thanks again for sharing😊
I am glad I found you. Your life sounds a lot like mine. I can resonate. Thank you for sharing. God bless you!!
Thank you! So happy I found your channel. Blessings to you!
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty! It helps others relate 🙏❤
I am having that panic right now. I feel sick. In standing up I am experiencing and terrible fear reaction. I feel like a child even though I took a stand!
My mother is so into her own needs she is neglecting my father who needs cancer tests and treatment. She is having none of his treatment to get better.
I'm not going along with her inaction.
This video was the therapy and guidance I needed. Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences and knowledge with us, it takes courage to let you light shine and be yourself.❤
Kim beautiful video. Keep on helping us as I’m sure it helps you. I’m so proud of you for turning it around and still learning. #respect
I am new to your content and have binged close to a dozen of your videos. All have been sooooo relatable and immensely helpful. I gavexa wonderful therapist who has guided me through EMDR, IFS and neurofeedback, among other healing strategies. But the additional content on your channel is an incredible, potentially life-saving resource. Please keep offering your wise and practical guidance!! Much Love from Canada XOXO
LOVE this vid, especiallly the last part. Love u.
You just spoke my life experience. Thank you for this video ❤️🫂
Thank you so much! 🙏💗✨
Please do cover rebuilding your career after trauma bonding... Not enough is talked about financial autonomy and career building as part of your sense of self.
Talking about your own personal experiences may be scary, but it's not unprofessional. At the end of the day, therapists are also people, and so many people choose to become therapists because of their own trauma. I think that therapists like yourself and Mickey Atkins showing your authentic self online in a way gives people permission to open up about their trauma because, if therapists can do it, then so can we.
I´m so happy for You. Great video, with a lot of meaning for me. Thank You!
Dear Kim, what a beautiful video, deeply resonates. I can literally feel the healing effect of your words. I could feel unbelievably present and connected with you. Thank you, beautiful soul. ❤❤❤❤❤️
You are wonderful. Thank you so much for this beautiful video.💜
It would be helpful if you could share the techniques you’ve found most beneficial in relieving anxiety. Thank you for your videos.
You are doing great Doc. 🙏
I would love to listen to a channel that just focuses on boundaries and setting them internal and external. Would be so helpful to have examples and real life. Examples from the audience kind of like a dear Abby how do I set this boundary? For instance, I’m a highly sensitive person and when I get around super judging people I take on that energy. How does one create an internal boundary against the invisible? Maybe you’ll start a boundaries channel! It could even be the boundaries network channel with other professionals, so we can all get a masters in setting boundaries for personal health
Great video! Thanks Kim for ❤
A fellow learner here. ❤🤔
Thank you!!!
Hi there. What books would you recommend for this topic?
I wanted to be loved for who I was as a kid and now I feel like I'm unlovable
I was told to forget about your past and get on with your life so that made sense to me and I shut down didn't want to know who I was
Sad what parents can do to children. I teach middle school children about attachment theory and self value
Beautiful great job!! Yes it is terrifying to even be in this world alone. I know that now as I'm all alone no family.
Yeppers I totally agree I was very OCD perfectionist trying lol 😂 I was just like you Covert 31 years then he died last year Last 8 years with him he was very angry and raging Only then did the relationship start feeling like my childhood, when he became angry at me and more overt less covert!! Then he got AML cancer and passed away a year 1/2 later while angry at me and no apologies for his behavior. So I now learned his behaviors and mine this last year along with why we were the way we were. That is so healing with in its self and able to forgive him now.
Yes I was trying to control everything all my life too and never knew it! I was a compulsive care taker that's how I ended up in a covert relationship. Then when I was 52 years old I had enough of my mother also covert. Yet like you I never left her completely I still took care of her till she died last year!! Thanks for this video it feels good to have a place to be ourselves. Thx Kim
Just be u. I understand being professional.
Thank you very much!. ( Wow..... I get it.)🎉🎉 I didn't know......😮
Thank you!! 💕
Is it possible to make a video that explain what a trauma trance is and how anxiety is connected to it... please
How did she turn out so well with such a bad childhood? Neither of my parents are narcissistic but I'm totally screwed up.
1:26 dead on, I just got a bit behind and need to catch up. Thank You to therapy.
We got a lot in common 😢 looking for a new paradox project 😅