SYMPTOMS OF BEING MOTHERLESS (WHEN YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A MOTHER/PARENT)
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- Опубліковано 21 лис 2024
- This video describes the what it can feel like for us (signs and symptoms) when we are motherless, fatherless, parentless....when we actually have/had parents.
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I used to hate mothers day. It made me feel so defective because everyone would be going on about how much they love their mother, and I didn't. I finally understand that I never had a mother. I had parental figures, but no parents.
I fully understand. I now have friends who are losing their mothers, and finding it hard to be alone and I feel I have no one to lose.
I feel you. I also have parental figures, but not actual healthy parents.
I can relate. I remember searching for Mothers day cards that were not so sentimental. I would feel guilty if I didn't acknowledge the day at all. My mother was Bipolar and my sister, 8 yrs older, was more of a mother figure to me.
The worst was trying to pick out a mother's day card. There aren't any that say, "We don't really get along and have never had any good times, but happy mother's day!"
@@bhquilter The mother's day cards were what eventually lead me to go no-contact. I'd spend 45 minutes at the store, looking for a mother's day card that wasn't a lie. "I love you so much, best mom EVARRRRRR". There aren't any cards that say "You're not a mom, you don't deserve to be acknowledged as such, you don't love me and I don't love you, I'm giving you this piece of paper because it's societal custom, nothing more." Eventually I gave up, and refused to accept the stress, and stopped sending cards. Not long later, I realized our entire relationship was like that, and again, refused to accept the stress. No contact now for almost 5 years, best years of my life. I don't even know if she's still alive. If you can get away, do it.
The symptoms of being motherless are:
1. Feeling deeply alone in the world
2. Feeling that there is no one to guide you or help you make decisions
3. You have to look to yourself for guidance, or else you choose a role-model that may be inappropriate
4. You might feel worthless
5. You may focus on externalizing your value, though your work, your appearance, the clothes you choose, etc.
6. You may have difficult relationships and difficultly choosing a partner
7. Having trust issues, the feeling that no-one is safe
8. You might feel shame, like there is 'something wrong with you' or you are innately unlovable
9. Mood swings, anxiety, the need to isolate - avoidant attachment style
10. Confusion about how to give and receive love/nurturing
Wow,you actually said what I felt: being "innately unlovable"!
I used those same exact words to people who could not understand at all what I meant.
I got: "No one is innately unlovable but you can make yourself that way through your behavior ".
And I was always like: but this is how I FEEL,not how I behave...
This was/is me. At 65 I’ve worked through some of this on my own over the years, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be healed.
@@mirandatarantella Our behaviour may make us less likeable but being loved for who we are can change that completely. Praying you will find a true friend who can see and love the real you and that you can experience and receive being loved. Of course you are lovable! Every person is.If you are not loved it is because the other person can't love! It's nothing to do with you being lovable.
@@heidimeigs5192 The God who made you is infinite love and loves you deeply and unconditionally always and forever. And would if you were the only person in the world!
OMG this is exactly me right down the line. Wow now I got to figure out what to do about this.
My mom was terrible. She didn't teach us basic hygiene or even give us what we needed to take care of ourselves. What we learned, we got off tv or each other as sisters. She put roadblocks up and laughed at us when we failed. She was just a bully.
The basic hygiene....I had bad acne and I knew later it was because I didn't know to wash bedding. My mother, at 80, still refuses to wash bedding. They are the ultimate bullies. The last time I saw her, years ago, I told her flat out that she had not even given the basic guidance- to which of course she responded that she may as well (unalive) herself, which was her classic response. Vile creatures.
@@Chahlie my mother didn’t wash our bedding either. We washed our clothes from the age of 5 up. I hear you, that type of woman is vile. To not take care of us is mean. I am talking extreme neglect. She never taught us to wear deodorant, never gave us fresh towels, list goes on. It was a shit show. I could go on.
That describes both of my parents. I am 56 and they are 75 and 77 and still do this. Its insane.
@@lynny5510 46 here. I went no contact with my mother 14 years ago. Sometimes you just have to live your own life. I figure, live your best life and don’t pay them no mind.
I have 2 daughters, I just don’t understand how many mothers are this way! My mom was incapable of raising me, yet she did
It wasn't until I became a mother myself I realised the truth about my mother, and how lacking she was in basic motherly love. For me it was impossible not to love my children wholeheartedly, show them and tell them I love them, and always put them first. My mother never put her arms around me, never told me she loved me, never made me feel safe and secure. She seemed so wrapped up in herself all the time there was nothing to give to her kids. We were nothing but an inconvenience to her, and she let us know this constantly. I had to fend for myself a lot of the time. People say you don't miss what you never had, but that doesn't apply when it's your mother. I've never had a successful relationship and am now alone. My sisters are in happy marriages but I think it affected me the most being the eldest. I had no role model, but at least they had me
wow. I relate so much. this was beautifully written
I read this and thought, "I don't remember writing this.... Oh! Somebody else wrote it!" You're not alone. (I'm actually in a relationship, but it's really scary - we'll see how it goes).
I have two younger sisters. We are all in our forties. My mother spent our childhood on the phone. Dad was hiding from Mom on a golf course and in a bottle. In many ways, I filled the void left by dad for my mother and by my mother for my sisters. Our family dynamics were always off because roles were not properly occupied.
I gained space from the dysfunction once I left for school when I was sixteen. My absence triggered abandonment issues in my parents. It made things at home much worse for my sisters. It also prompted a reshuffling of family roles. My middle sister became the A-type, coming to display the all-in drive typical of the first born. The youngest is now the compromiser, always looking to settle things for other people, never herself. You could say I am now in the roll of muse. None of us are living our birth order.
I suspect many families of narcissism like mine display this reordering among siblings along the scale of relative maturity.
You are loved! You have worth! I feel you and understand. We learned and we survived. We also broke the cycle! 🤗🥰
@EpDawg1975 That's a beautifully well-observed reflection. I wish you and your sisters continuing insights and healing x
Over 90% of the "support" turned out to be a dagger.
FOR SURE!!
Thought I was alone in this - unfortunately, I'm not.
Validating, sure, but truly sorry to hear others have had similar experiences.
@@chikindonkee Indeed. Most seem to start learning about narcissistic family dynamics in middle age. But, at least, now we understand what was coming against us and we can acquire the tools to help us cope if we cannot fully overcome.
Absolutely
This exactly
I feel guilty sometimes complaining about my parents knowing others have it much worse but having a really cold, nasty mom who has zero empathy is really tough sometimes..it really does feel like I don’t have a mom at all
Your pain is valid.Your own experience of your own reality is valid.
Please don't neglect yourself further by comparing your experience to others.You are not them.They are not you.
Whatever we have or don't have in life,there will be someone,somewhere who has less or who has more.In no way does this basic fact of life diminish our own experience.
You have every right in this world to acknowledge your own feelings.
Think about it this way: If you denigrate your own reality through feeling guilty,will that serve to help all of those who "had it worse" than you? Will that change anything for those other poor souls? Is your guilt a magic wand that will remove their pain?
Of course not!
You have every right to attend to yourself and to care for yourself. It isn't selfish.The more you attend to yourself, the more you will have to give to others.
You do not deserve a guilt trip! You never asked for any of this.
Same here. I realized now she will never be there for me and never change.
You are not alone. I'm 34 and so jealous of others that had a mother they can talk to. It's so painful.
Rejection is my middle name. My mother was always critical of my appearance and my ex left. 😢
@@20maxilo--One of the things my therapist said--I sought help since my son hit 9 years old, and it hit me the trust, and innocence in his eyes TO me, was hard to accept. My father began molesting me at nine. I HATED myself for not being stronger, braver or persistent in seeking help. THEN MY SON HIT NINE, and I simply fell apart. My pastor was saying what hubby said ‘Cast it upon the Lord’. It SHOULD HAVE been enough, but it just wasn’t.
Hubby’s family thought I needed more faith, when I just felt like SCREAMING. How to let go of MY GUILT, confronted by a nine year old’s innocence?
My therapist had me describe my parents, when I finished she said ‘And are they the people you would WILLINGLY ACCEPT INTO YOUR LIFE NOW?’
Maybe most of us get hung up on the titles, how ‘Blood is thicker than water’ but it’s only as valuable as those involved. I came to grips with the incest NOT being my fault and these people are still so toxic, leave them behind.
The ‘Christian’ community preaches so much about the fifth commandment but it’s only applicable to Godly parents, not thugs, if you’re struggling with your parents selfishness, it’s NOT ABOUT YOU, it’s wholly on them rejecting the goal of protecting your children. The effects of incest don’t really go away, still very hard trusting anyone. You should have been cherished and you weren’t. Hold onto that truth.❤️🌹💕
A couple of years ago I started realizing how big of an impact all of this wrong and unsane upbringing had & still has on my (due to it pretty shuttered) life.
I really feel like mankind falls into two groups: The ones with loving mothers and the poor ones without that. The first group doesn’t have a clue what it’s like to have to live without love, support, shelter and how much it damages and cripples mind, body and soul.
So true
Agreed, I try to make sense of it by thinking about their upbringing. They were both brought up by parents that were basically orphaned at a young age, and had no one one to mother them. (Not unusual back in the day) They were conditioned to harden their hearts to any sign of weakness or neediness, even in children.
I hate Mothers Day because of those well-loved people who are convinced all mothers are saints & beyond reproach.
I continue to deal with my parent who acts childish..calls me horrible names..she is super mood swingy. I was close to my grandma. She died. She was very nurturing..but old fashioned. My dad was a hard worker..at work ..I was always busy cleaning and cooking at grandmas..cleaning my house ..I.. felt like I was both my parents parent ...my younger sister's parent. I felt like... I had no childhood. I am going back to watch old movies..music videos..cartoons because I was too busy growing up..I watched a wham video today. I'm like choose life shirt ..what does that mean?!?..I'm going to Google it ..
I’m so happy you spoke about loneliness. I always felt like I was surrounded by people but never belonged to anyone, meaning I was never anyone’s priority, despite them loving me.
same
Feel the same 😢
The pain is very real and it's never ending 💔 it feels like I'm constantly getting stabbed in my heart & soul
I've been coming to terms with this lately. My mom wasn't terribly by any means, and she really tried her best with what she had, but she was always working, and she wasn't healed from her own emotional trauma and didn't know how to genuinely be a rock or supportive. Anything bad thag happened to me, she would go on how she had it worse, anything good, she was jealous and sighed about how she wished good things would happen to her.
Felt like I was only there to make her happy and feel better and not the other way around. So I stopped trying to get any support or sympathy early on, because it wasn't going to come.
I don't think she did any of this conciously, but lately I've been realizing how motherless (and fatherless, different story) I've felt my whole life. I look at the connections and support others have with their mothers that I simply never did.
Worst part is if you asked my mom she'd say our relationship was just fine.
she a covert narc
In other words: She was human.
@@shirleydaniels9310 I really don't think so. She's flawed in a lot of ways and had a hard life that I don't think she's processed, but I don't doubt at the end of the day that she really does love me and wants me to be happy. She just doesn't know how to emotionally connect completely. I think the term narcissist is overused these days.
wow this is so relatable for me
Highly relatable.
I needed this today. Thank you. My Mum told me why I was bedridden “it’s your mistake, you moved abroad”. I can walk again now after pushing myself for 2.5 yrs. She never called me during my illness, and I realized now I don’t need her anymore. She will never change- I learned that after 50 yrs.
Sorry to hear but glad you can walk again. You definitely don’t need here. My mom also didn’t like me because I moved abroad for work. It’s very sad to have a narcissist mother.
So..... glad you are better. It is either overbearing to the point of not being able to stand up for yourself or it is push you away and stomp out the others spark... there is no I between with moms who are just not moms. I think it is hard to find a person with a good mom. Just know we are all happy for you and we are pulling for a full recovery for you!!!!!!!!
🫂🌹🫂
We can’t be waiting for them to change, hoping to finally be loved and understood. They are sick and broken people. It’s difficult , but we have to accept them as they are and let them be. Expectations create endless pain. I’m 50 and still learning how to have boundaries and not get affected by my mother’s behavior.
Did you get Guillain-Barré syndrome?
Thank you Kim.I'm am 75 years old, and I can assure you, the pain and dysfunction never goes away. I am always a stranger to others and myself. Years of therapy did help but only in understanding the source of it all. I was diagnosed with cptsd by the V.A. Served in Vietnam which was a nightmare, but compared to my mother who was a "sex worker", it was a walk in the park. I,m taking so much to the grave.
That's so sad. I'm so sorry. I'm 47 and I still feel like the frightened rejected child I was. It's got worse for me. I was invisible.
I feel your pain
Sending you love from me in UK ❤🇬🇧
Sending both of you much love and I’m so so sorry xx♥️🙏
Hello to my fellow sufferers (?) from Germany.❤️🩹 Although I would wish for you so much it was different, at least we’re not alone with this burden.
I am 60;years old and still suffering. And sometimes I feel so ashamed thinking that I should be over this by now.
But the pain is still so strong as whenI was 11 years old.. I am Still triggered daily as I am the sole care taker of my mother whoes husband abused me. I am also an HSP/empath.
I pray that we all find peace and healing.
@@verlyn2000 I understand the shame you describe, I too have this and its got worse. I avoid people as I'm so embarrassed that I'm still so screwed up. Like I'm stuck. I honestly think I'll die with it. Most days I already feel dead. These people crush your spirit. Irreversible damage. I'm so sorry for your suffering . Life is so unfair. We didn't deserve it. We must be kind to ourselves every day in little ways when we can. It's hard but we must keep trying ❤
Yep, no safety. Never had a mentor. I am an only child and dealt with a lot of abuse. Left when I was 17. I worked hard and was able to break that cycle of abuse!
You are a warrior and a source of inspiration! Girl go on with your amazing self 🙌🙌🙌
Oh darn! We were just in Laguna Beach on vacation. I bought a print from Marc Whitley. Had I seen this I would have loved to support your work. So beautiful! Will keep you in mind when I return to So Cal!
@@getshorty7549 Thank you so much!
I'm also one of these children. My mother is still alive (92), but HATES me. She's a covert narcissist, and violent now. Very scary! Dangerous, honestly. Thank you for this, and all you do, you are truly a light!
These demons usually blame the scapegoat for their misery, let her rott in her hate, you deserve more.
Same here. After 50 years I realized that I am actually a good human and cut her off. Sorry that your Mum is so nasty …. I feel you.
@@katjaxxx7353 I'm sorry yours is also. Happy to hear that you've been able to cut her off though! That is a great accomplishment! I'm 56 and only just figured it out this past year.🙄OOPS!
I can relate to this story. Mine is also 92 and the more I think about it, the more I realize that she was in all truthfulness, she was beyond a horrible human being. If the world could see even a few of the scenes of cruelty and abuse I suffered at her hands and the psychological, physical and emotional torture she put me through, she would be in prison or some mental institution rather than a nursing home.
I relate to the OP and to all three of the comments. To live with such meanness and absence of love day after day, year after year, and then for her to portray me as "insolent", "rebellious", and "ungrateful"... yes, my eyes have welled with tears just writing this. The earth was freed from her a few years back. I have no qualms with God, whether He brings her back or not. That's up to Him.
If you're reading this... you're worth it. You deserve good things. Keep moving forward. :)
You're sweet 😘🎂 thank you for being you
❤
Psalm 27:10
For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.
Psalm 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the LORD will hold me close.
WOW. That scripture came to my mind when I saw the title and thought of this message. Thanks for sharing. GOD BLESS.
Thank you for posting this
@@lisaparlove989 no problem God is my strength. I've been through hell. I wrote this poem.
BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY
My dark childhood is locked away, BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY
In my teenage years I ran away from home and lost my way, BUT IM ALIVE TODAY
I tried to take my own life, BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY
I abused drugs and alcohol, BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY
I lost my only brother to suicide, BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY.
My mom overdosed 3 years later, BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY
My son was born with serious birth complications and tragically died a year later, BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY
My dad died a month later to cirrhosis of the liver BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY
I left a toxic relationship and survived BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY.
I ended up in jail, BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY
I lived through hell and came face to face with the devil, BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY. Today I can BOAST in my trials, tribulations, and persecutions BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY.
Sometimes I feel I can't go on BUT I'M ALIVE TODAY.
My Lord Jesus Christ makes me strong because I'm weak. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. And BECAUSE I'M ALIVE TODAY I know he's my healer and Reedeemer. He's doing a work in all of us in his own timing timing. Hold on one more day and ALWAYS remember,
REJOICE I'M ALIVE TODAY!
~ Amy Costello ~
The god of the Bible is a sadistic narcissist who’s pro chattel slavery-Leviticus 25:44-46, pro slavery even after the resurrection (though he says he’s unchanging so everything that he commanded his worshippers should still be applicable today, as even Jesus said not until heaven and earth pass away will a dot from the law of god pass away in Matthew 5:17-20) Ephesians 6:5, Colossians 3:22, 1 Peter 2:18.
He’s also pro bride capture which is sex slavery-Deuteronomy 21:10-14 and pro capital punishment for children-Leviticus 20:9, Exodus 21:15,17, Deuteronomy 21:18-21, Matthew 15:1-9
This god also does not believe in the equality of women or even the equality of the intelligence of women-Genesis 3:16, 1 Timothy 2:11
Amen🙏 God is a good father.
My mother would always tell everyone else she would do anything for her children. But being her child, it felt like a different story… she loves us so much… If we do what she says.
Exactly! My mom puts on a front for everybody and acts like she's the best person in the world and gives up so much, but if anyone learned the real truth, they would see her every word was literally completely untrue. Although if that were to happen, she would do her favorite thing, deny, deny, deny. if she doesn't admit she did something wrong(and she NEVER has admitted to any wrongdoing) then in her reality, it just never happened.
@@jent5037 Are you sure we don’t have the same mother? Lol it’s almost to the point of being delusional… six years ago she literally tried to ruin my life… I was in the middle of trying to establish very firm boundaries for the first time in my adult hood. A lot of time and Healing has passed since then when I had very little contact with her… It’s as if that whole entire time. Never happened. According to her that is… It’s tough to grow up with a parent like this. you either become just like them, or the exact opposite of them… i’m hyper vigilant and focused on healing from it all, but I’m trying to lighten up and allow the world and myself to just be as it is. Not expecting these people to change anymore, or base who I am on whether they do or not. Thanks for the comment, unfortunate,That there are so many of us out there.💜
@@creativesolutionstoart sounds like it! When I tried to distance and set my boundaries for myself, suddenly I was being accused of "being up to something" and why haven't I called or come by, and I'm ungrateful for everything that was ever done for me...yet before I wanted boundaries I was literally ignored or treated so badly and it was made sure that I knew I'm not wanted and everything is my fault, whether it was because of some comment I made, or from something I allegedly did so many years ago as a child...but I don't call and suddenly you want to give me s&*# about it? You said it best...it's delusional!!!
@@creativesolutionstoart good for you to heal yourself and knowing and accepting that they won't change and being ok with it! It's hard to get to that point! I'm at the point where I know no one will change, but honestly I still let it get to me. So good for you! You deserve happiness!!!
@@jent5037 For sure, it’s meant to create a lot of confusion.… If someone is confused it’s very easy to manipulate them. Once you know where you stand and you stay there, they can’t push you in any direction. it’s weird, I used to be the scapegoat, out of me and my sister who was the golden child… Now I’m the golden child and she’s a scapegoat because she still plays the games. I have enough distance and so many boundary systems in place that are both physical and mental, that an odd phenomenon has happened but I’m sure most people who go through this can see it… That they all start to turn on themselves within the family of toxic codependency. they will always find someone to play their game even if you don’t. It’s still disheartening to look on and watch the pandemonium, but I’m not the main target anymore! :-) thanks for your acknowledgment and encouragement, relating to these types of dynamics is both relieving and saddening, because we don’t want anyone else to go through this but we’re glad when we’re validated and someone else feels what we feel :-) I wish you a lot of love and peace on your healing journey!💜
Thank you Kim. I am also parentless even though both of my parents are still alive. I haven’t seen or spoken to my father in 25 years and I haven’t seen or spoken to my mother in 15 years. I went to therapy for many years, but I’m still broken. I’m all alone. I trust no one. I’ve spent my entire life feeling unsafe. Never married. I never became a parent. My therapist diagnosed me with CPTSD. This video described me to a T.
I think I also have cptsd too.. it's hard. And what's worst is that nobody understands it
@@20maxilo I know what you mean. But, I understand. It is very hard.
Make a beautiful life for yourself, do something meaningful each day. Pray and never criticise yourself from now on. I will pray for you today . 🌹
There are many safe people out there. I pray that your sensitivity to what is unsafe will give you the discernment to recognise who is truly unsafe but that you will little by little learn to trust those who truly love you for who you are.
Sending love!
I'm so sorry for what you have been through. ❤️
I have been the same....and now both are deceased. I also have a brother and sister who hardly talk to me and I have no children. Thank you for doing this talk.!!
You're not alone, my dear. There are so many of us.❤✌😊
Same here. No parent and no children. Always wondered why I didn't want kids. Like kids but just had no craving to have them.
It's OK not to have children, you were meant for a different path .❤
I feel this. I’ve been battling cancer and never see family and my brother hasn’t helped at all. I eat every second day because it’s cheaper. I’m struggling badly.
I understand how you feel. My narcissist mother turned my brother and sister against me so we barely talk. I also have no children. I was close to my father but he passed away some years ago. My mother is in her 80s and hates me for no reason.
my earliest memory of my bi-polar mother is of hiding in my closet together away from her raging and her finding me, getting on her knees to hug me and crying hysterically. I learned to be scared to death of her moods. It affected the way I connect with others for the rest of my life.
TY for sharing. Your experience with your Mom sounds very similar to mine. I could never count on her for anything--not even keeping my secrets. Things a daughter normally confides in to her mother about--I couldn't because she'd tell EVERYONE! She not only did not protect me--she betrayed me and she did it often. Very hard to grasp that now that I am the mother of a daughter myself. Hearing you share helps me process it all. TY again.
Reading these comments, I have found my tribe. I am sorry we went through these things. Everyone deserves love and support. At 66 I am over it. I'm over the selfish abandoning parents and bad relationships with men. Thankfully, I have loving children and grandchildren. The love I gave them, they return. Love heals.
My fav show growing up was Murder, She Wrote. The mysteries were great, but what I really loved was the character of Jessica Fletcher. She was everything I aspired to be as an adult. She was a role model in my childhood when the women around me weren’t healthy role models.
Lol
I always wanted the character of Rosanne barr as my mother because in the show, she respected her daughters boundaries.
My mom had zero respect for my boundaries and constantly violated me a lot and it traumatized me as an adult.
That's so sweet! I aim to be Miss Marple. I will move heaven and earth to help young people to succeed in life and not to make the same mistakes I did.
@@Chahlie Love it! 😊
Same here, Jessica Fletcher was the mother or grandmother I desperately wished for!
My parents were the most obnoxious and annoying people when it came to emotions. I forgave them long time ago as young boy. I just knew they couldn't reach me no matter how hard they tried. But forgiving my self for checking out from life emotionally is hard. I am old and only rediscovering my own emotions and that intimacy is possible.
I had a meltdown when I first saw children who were having a healthy childhood. I had no idea what I had lost. I couldn’t handle it. I lost my job, I went so crazy. I didn’t know how to handle grief.
?
When my mother died in my mid-twenties, I had so many conflicting feelings. While I grieved in my own way, there was also a feeling of relief, a feeling I felt deeply ashamed of. It's not until recently, when I started working with a trauma therapist, that I really began to appreciate how much she parentified and neglected me from an extremely young age. My father was little better. It's something I'm still trying to process and work through.
Your videos have really helped me feel like I'm not alone, to recognize the trauma I experienced. You, and the likes of Heidi Prieb, the Crappy Childhood Fairy, Dr. K, and Patrick Teahan, as well as books like The Body Keeps the Score, Running on Empty, and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
Thank you for the help and advice you've given, and for being one part of a small community I've made for myself. :)
Hello! What is the name of Dr. K's channel?
The Body Keeps the Score. Halfway through it...and yes it does.
@@wonderfully_wired www.youtube.com/@HealthyGamerGG
I can really relate to the feelings of relief after a toxic parent dies, I had it with my violent, cold and critical narcissistic father when he passed in 1992. The grieving process is so very complex and difficult to navigate. I'm left with my co-dependant enabler mother who is very elderly and not well, I'm glad that I've been able to make some peace with her, she does accept that she let me down and is genuinely sorry. I know she suffered abuse as a child and just muddled through it all, plus my father was very intimidating and controlling, so it was hard for her. I also like Crappy childhood fairy and Patrick Tehan, Dr Ramani is also a hero for so many of us abuse survivors, she's outlined so much about narcissistic abuse and C-PTSD. I wish you healing and all good things in life
Yes I'm also a fan of these other UA-camrs you mentioned they are awesome 👍 💕💖💕
I am not motherless but I do wish I had more guidance in life from her. Sharing how I feel and seeking advise is something rare in our relationship. I would consider her a very caring mother, but also very cold.
I am a parentless child too. Just realized it when my daughter was born. This wonderful bonding with your child… I have never had it with my parents. I am 46 now, went through a lot but my mother had never cared about even saying something kind to me. I hope my trauma healed now because I do not feel any pain anymore. I try my best to be a good mother for my child who is 13 soon. I do not feel scared of separation because I know it is normal and healthy. However I feel sad sometimes that because of my loneliness as a child I got married to a narcissist and so scared to open my heart to a new relationship. Thank you for your videos. They help to heal.
When my son was born was the moment I realized that my narcissist mother never cared about me.
I could never imagine doing the things my narcissist mother did to me, doing to my son.
I love my son and I realized that my mother not only didn't love me but she actually hated me.
My narcissist mother hated me and envy me and I was doomed.
I'm a mess because of her bad treatment.
@@winning3329 it is very very sad to read. With all my heart I wish you healed this pain and have a happy motherhood. ❤️
Such a similar story to mine. Bless you 🙏
Same here. This can be the cause of a postpartum depression........You can hide it until your baby is born.....But it is a new start like your baby wants you to heal...
Good points and the love we have for our children is certainly healing. I just rectory realized after 22 years of marriage to someone with narcissistic traits that I married my mother. Ugh.
My mother was never safe/unsafe, she was always mean and horrible. I don't have a love/hate relationship with her, it is hate/hate. I am glad she finally died, lived to be 90! I have often wondered what my life would have been, if I had had a loving mother. She started me off with ruining my life, and then I did the rest. Thanks, Mom.
I'm SO SORRY that you went through this and I can RELATE.YOU ARE LOVED, NEVER FORGET THAT! I hope that you have WONDERFUL FRIENDS!❤❤❤❤❤😊😊😊😊
@@jenleigh342 What a kind and generous thing to say! Thank you for that.
I’ve long referred to myself as a motherless child. My egg donor died in 2016 and I’m more at peace day to day.
Growing up, my mother would always ask me to "talk to my sister" when she misbehaved. Shes still a wildchild in her late 30s. Up until recently, she was still asking me to. Its like she was asking me to mother my sister because she didnt know how. My mother would get angry with me when I told her I dont know what to say. Im just her sister.
I never emotionally relied on my mother and went through life truly learning by living and learning by myself. She never taught me how to respect myself, never explained periods to me. I was name called if I even brought up seggs.
I want to let go of this anger but it still feels so fresh.
This resonates on every level, as a daughter and as a mother. It is a difficult hand to be dealt. My mother is now 75. She has always controlled the family; she's feared and on a pedestal. She has always struggled to love me. When she becomes upset with me, everyone joins her and turns on me. I'll never feel loved. Always feel alone. As a mother to older teens, I have to cognitively attempt not to overpersonalize their emotions because I'm afraid of repeating what was done to me.
i'm so sorry this happened to you. you don't deserve that treatment at all. i hope you're able to be free soon.
This is raw - I can't quite let anyone near me atm - sorry I'm not alone - no actually everybody I'm so sorry.....
Dr. Sage you nailed it. While I was watching your video, I felt like you were literally describing me. I'm a parentless child (not literally though) and I've never had anyone who I could emotionally rely on. Even my friends and my brothers were unsafe so I can't even describe how painful things were when I was growing up. I have all the signs you talked about. I think the fact that I can't see myself worthy by just "being" and I think I have to do sth or live a certain lifestyle or earn this much amount of money to be loved or worthy is the most difficult part for me. Right now I'm at that stage where I know what the "problem" is and I'm just struggling to find a way to heal. It's very difficult and painful though. Thank you for the content you create Dr. Sage🌻
I can very much relate to your post Sure is tough I am almost 66 and have been at it all my life, so it's a real challenge.Strength to all of us!
Seeing Mother’s Day post on Facebook used to really hurt seeing how lucky other women was to have mothers that truly loved them. It helped me see there was something very wrong with mine and my mothers relationship
No, it was all bad all the time 😢. As an adult, I was meditating after a yoga class once and burst into tears… when asked what was wrong, I said “I never had a mother.” I had no idea where that came from or why it came out that way, but instantly my profound sense of grief I felt all my life made sense. She brought me into the world and fed me, but that’s all. I was supposed to be perfect, compliant, and take care of her needs.
My mother is not as high on the spectrum of narcissism but has a covert narcissistic style. She is able to do the right thing sometimes (like being nurturing/accepting in certain moments), but it always felt "false" to me as a child. I have all of these symptoms, except avoidant attachment. Thank you.
The Divine timing of this video for me is just amazing as I sit here on the floor after crying and feeling so bad for 3 hours and so alone after having been triggered and emotionally neglected by my mother yet again after letting her back in after 2 years 😥. It's been sitting with me for 2 weeks because I didn't process it but I felt it festering and then during a guided meditation the dam broke. All my pain came tumbling out, just so much and all its attached to.
I was nodding yes all throughout your video because I was just thinking about all the ways this mother wound has affected me and continues to affect me. It is the root cause of not finding love and not feeling close to anyone. Majour trust issues, not letting anyone in or putting myself out there despite wanting deep connections, then feeling unknown by anyone and feeling the debilitating loneliness of that. I find myself wondering if I'll ever feel the reciprocal love I fantasize about, it feels elusive. I've been suffering with these feelings of feeling trapped and stuck like I'm stuck in cement and can't move forward. Also that pervasive feeling of feeling like something is wrong with me, though as I look around I'm nowhere near as flawed as others yet they seem to have an easy time with relationships so attachment theory does explain it. I think I'm mixed leaning more dismissive avoidant but I do feel anxiety in relationships and will avoid conflict or telling people when they do something, I'll just distance myself.
Do you do online private sessions? I've been considering therapy but the private, hyper independent part of me is fighting against it. Meanwhile I continue to suffer with this affecting my mental and emotional health alone😢
😢I could have written that! Seriously, your situation is almost exactly like mine! We need to just keep seeking knowledge, positive people, and learn to love ourselves and see the beauty that's all around us!❤✌
@@pattibrown1809 It helps to know that there are many out there who feel this way because it can help make someone realize that it wasn't our fault, that hardly anyone can develop normally socially if the 1st relationship you form from the womb is majourly lacking and flawed. It's sad, I think I cry for my spirit which includes that innocent child so I'm looking into the innerchild /reparenting work.
But everyone says you just have to love yourself but no-one explains what that means and how. From the outside looking in, I've always taken care of myself, workout, eat well, don't drink or smoke, I've avoided bad life decisions or doing bad immoral things , never let men abuse me, always developing my skills, travel. I read and listen to a lot of spiritual and life stuff always looking for answers, philosophies. I'm definitely way more put together with higher self respect than the average woman, soo? But maybe that's what's un relatable I think? A lot of people don't do even a fraction of that in terms of self care and development yet they seem to have lots of relationships (though some of those may be toxic or abusive) .
Like what more does one have to do?? The only time I feel some peace is when I remember and feel that God is the only one who knows my soul because he's the only one who's been in my heart and mind the entire time so there's some solace in that, knowing I've been a good person who has done my best but suffers from perfectionism and never feeling like it's enough.
Thank you Kim, you're so right about everything. It's so very true. I enjoy watching your videos. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am 47 female who is the oldest out of five children my parents had. I always been the black sheep in my family. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. I always had to take care of everyone in my family since I was growing up& still do. I am a parent myself & have my own children. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope
God is Love. I been a Christian for over ten years. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I got support from my friends from church. Be careful not everyone who goes to church are True Christians. We know them by there spirits if they are from God or not. Greater is He who is in you than He who is in the world. 1 John 4:4
❤
My father abandoned me when I was 14, even though he knew how abusive my mother was. He chose to leave me with her. He was my safe place and he willingly took that one bit of sanity away from me. My mother hated me covertly and still does. She denies it and denies the decades of abuse by saying "I don't remember". I was just thinking yesterday that I'm a 38 year old orphan.
I left my brother some years ago. He's an adult, but was still unemployed. Took me ages to find a stable job, too. I just couldn't do it anymore because he keeps contact with the family and I don't. I never talked about our parents but I'm pretty sure my family talked a lot. In the end there was just too much hostility under the surface. Idk. It felt like we are both climbing on a mountainside and I just cut the rope and went my way. Don't know what happens to me, don't know what happens to him, but sure as hell I don't know how to resolve that toxic situation.
Right on. Thank you. The emptiness never leaves.
This one really really hit home for me. Thank you for sharing.
This is unbelievably hard to realize as an adult that u were parent less... Or that u never even knew it was abuse or neglect really scary as well. Thank u for sharing...
Both my mum and dad are just what U are describing ! That's why I've been sooo desperate for love and be adopted by anyone else. I always feel so rejected and un loved by everyone.
Same 💔
I feel this so much! I'm in my 40s and my inner child still longs for the mum who physically adandonded me and the dad who then passed when I was a teen, after parentifying me as the eldest daughter for most of my childhood. Now having a young teen daughter who naturally tests my boundaries, it is so hard not to take push backs personally or be triggered. At the same time such a wonderful blessing to be able to nuture and provide the relationship and safety I never had. Recently beginning therapy has been my first experience of truely being seen, it feels like such a gift ❤
very similar to my life
It's a miracle that I've become an empowered single parent to two amazing daughters with the childhood I had. Starting daily yoga, meditation and a gratitude diary changed my life
Learning about attachment theory and being able to identify my mom as avoidantly attached definitely helped me to take her coldness less personally. She tells me i rejected her, and still insists that, even though i am now a mother myself and have recognized many of the ways she wasnt present.
My narc mom was a teaching assistant in special needs classrooms. "Her" kids were the ones she worked with at work, that's how she referred to them, they were the ones that got all her attention, they were the ones who got to see her sober. My bro and I, her biological kids, never saw that side of her, we got ignored for the most part, when she wasn't trying to pick fights or start disagreements with us.
Scapegoat and parentless child aswell here
I’m a gen xer and grew up alone, literally like most people from my generation. My mother a single parent, was never abusive physically but she never liked me and many times tried to give me away, never hugged me nor says she loves me not once in 57 years. Never asked how I’m doing , never checked my homework, never asked if I’m hungry since we were very poor as a child , she won’t even let me hug her then I see her so loving to my younger brother and very caring to him. I’m now 57 yo and mom is 81 , she lives with me and I will never abandon my mother . I will never understand her coldness towards me when I was young but I have a debt to repay , she chose to give me life , fed , and clothe me and protected me from danger . I recently found out the reason she never remarried was me. She said she’ll never know how a man really is specially around me as I grew up so she decided to stay single to make sure my safety will never be jeopardized and she was only 25 when she left my father because he cheats and had children with other women. My mother still doesn’t talk to me much , still cares for my brother more but I’ve decided to take care of her until the end as a token of gratitude to her and to the Lord who allowed me to live and flourish inspite of the tragedies of my life. I was sad and bitter for a very long time and may never know why my mother loves my brother more but I’m also an adult who can think and made so much progress in life because I had to survive by myself and for that I’m grateful. Thru God’s help we can be better than our past selves , in my case I just needed to forgive and accept what I can’t change which is my mom . She needs me so I will be here for her.
Thank you very much for sharing this. Several years ago I learned about Childhood Emotional Neglect and knew that fit me so well. Now I’m just starting to learn about being a Dismissive Avoidant relationship type and have lots of reading/watching to do. But at 53 I feel like I’m finally getting an understanding of why I am the way I am, and why I’ve acted the way I have in relationships. This understanding has led to greater peace in my life, and I’m looking forward to starting active treatment for my DA shortcomings.
Thank you for this info ❤
I’m no contact with my narcissist mother. My stepfather may have been a psychopath. He is long dead. My biological father abandoned me at age 2. I never had the expectation of safety. I never belonged and wasn’t wanted. I have survived it. It’s been quite a journey. Thank you for this episode.
Praise God you survived! The rest of life is yours. May it be filled with the love and acceptance you didn't receive as a child and bring you healing and wholeness.
My mother always hated me growing up. She NEVER spoke to me. She only cared about her husband or my brothers he’ll even cared more about her dogs than me. And i was the only daughter. She NEVER ONCE told me she loved me she never hugged me showed me no attention at all. I haven’t spoken to her well over 10 years and I won’t she’s a tear if she dies. I gave ZERO feelings towards her.
This is crazy. I've been wanting for weeks to start a channel for us motherless sons and daughters because so often I hear "who's going to love(care for) me." And it's so scary out here bring motherless adults. And to let people know there is a group of individuals here to help make decisions or just give affirmations that they are doing OK in life. And not to worry. A place to belong. Thank you for reminding me how desperately this is needed.
I was put in the arms of my 7 year old sister. I was told by parents and grandmother that, I was not wanted, loved and never should of been born. I lived in the same home as them. I turned my Dad in for being a pedophile at 12. So I was blamed for loss of jobs and people not liking them.
@cherriehearn6950 I'm so sorry you had such profoundly unworthy caregivers. You deserved so much better. What a brave little girl you were. To me, you are a HERO! 👏🎉🤩💐👏
May your life from this point onwards...only be filled with love from others, self love, and with abundant blessings....'Beauty for ashes'!
Beautiful souls I left my so called family 36 years ago. I moved over 1000 miles. I lived on the streets but now have a home and family. We are very happy and my grown kids know what I dealt with.
@@cherriehearn6950 So wonderful to hear you found your happy ending! Thank you for sharing that! : - ) ❤
🫂🌹🫂...You are courageous...
Allow me to share my personal journey with you, one that has led me to feel motherless due to my decision to go no contact with my narcissistic mother. In the midst of coping with the devastating loss of my father three years ago, tragedy struck again when my beloved brother passed away. These losses were made even more challenging as they were both enablers of my mother's manipulative behavior.
As the truth teller and scapegoat in the family dynamic, I found myself in an incredibly difficult position. I yearned for simple and honest answers to the normal happenings in our lives, yet my mother could only respond with manipulation and deceit. It became clear that her inability to provide the support and authenticity I needed was detrimental not only to herself but to our entire family.
Amidst the chaos, I made the courageous decision to distance myself from her toxic influence. It was not an easy path, but it has allowed me to reclaim my own identity and rebuild my life on a foundation of truth and self-respect. The weight of being the truth teller, while simultaneously being the scapegoat, was immense. However, it has taught me the strength and resilience necessary to confront adversity with unwavering integrity.
Through it all, I have discovered an inner strength and determination that I never knew existed within me. I have learned to rise above manipulation and to hold steadfast to my values. It is my hope that by sharing my story, others may find inspiration and courage to stand up against toxic relationships and embrace the freedom that comes with living an authentic life.
This is me except with my mother being the enabler. Now that she is gone I am finally free. I cut contact with my narcissistic father the day that she passed. I too am the eldest daughter and scapegoated. Grief is complicated when the "healthy" parent was actually the enabler (in hindsight). I oscillate between anger at her for staying so long with the abuse and sadness because I do miss her. It's a really dark and difficult space to be in. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope to get to the place you are at one day.
You are amazing!
Thank God for my grandmother who took upon herself to parent me until she passed when I was 15, and for her daughter, my aunt, who took over and still does today at age 86. After I mentioned how much she did for me one day years ago, she said, “I just try to stand in the gap.” 🤔❤️ I started asking God for emotional healing for myself and my parents at 23. I am the opposite of who I was then, as are my parents. He alone can heal the hurt and bring wholeness again.
Praise God.
He works patiently and tenderly with us and with Him we can heal. He gives us the time and little steps that we need.
I've had to parent my Mother when I was a little kid. The roles felt reversed growing up. Its hard to not feel angry and depressed every day!
Was she ill?
Same here, it’s like she siphoned off my life energy and drained me dry. She always took and never gave. I had to try to be the mother.
I made a decision that she isn’t going to influence my life any more. She passed last year thank heavens and everything flooded out after her death. I had expected just a feeling of relief and was taken by surprise at the flood of emotions that overwhelmed me.
Thank you dr. Kim. Everything out of your mouth is gold in it feels like we have the same dysfunctional childhood. I was raised with three siblings. Found out I have a full-blooded sibling a few years ago. And that my father had another one before that. Both of my parents hated us equally. I do not know what it feels like to be loved, only hated and despised. I moved out at 17 and my mother was so mad. She told me that I would be back and like my whole childhood she told me that I thought I knew everything. I never went back and I soon figured out that she was just as big of a monster as my father was. I put my self through college and soon after realized the hell she put me through.. I think I sent her a 20-page of all the times that she hurt me.. her response was, that she has friends that love her. My response was good, because your kids can't stand you. Too bad you could not treat your kids like you treat your friends. 55 + 35 + years mostly no contact. Only limited when my brother was in crisis. All of us have mental health issues and it seems the older we get the worse they get.why? We have all been in treatment for decades.
Sometimes listening to you makes me feel like we grew up if not in the same house, definitely on the same street! I relate pretty strenuously 😳.
I am 56 and just unwrapping this lovely gift that keeps on giving that is figuring out I have CPTSD. You and other creators have opened my eyes - not to the trauma; I’ve always known that was there - but to the fact that knowing how bad it was didn’t protect me from the damage it did.
I am now in the stage you mentioned - wonder/worrying about what things I did as a mother that damaged my children. I would love to hear more about how to navigate that part.
Thank you for all your content!! It’s so incredibly helpful 💗💖💗
When my grandmother (legal guardian) died, I laughed. Not out of malevolence but because I felt so relieved. I was tired of taking care of her. My real mother is just in la la land. I just feel bad for my younger siblings.
Thank you for this. I experienced all of the things you talked about, every single one. And I think the saddest part is the loss of self-esteem and the inability to be in a healthy relationship. I always chose partners who were unavailable emotionally and then expected them to change and when I finally found someone who WAS nurturing and emotionally available, it scared the you know what out of me and it would take me forever to explain how many ways I messed that up. Now my beautiful husband has passed away and I can’t go back and do it over and I’m trying so hard to forgive myself and it makes me so angry at the adults who “raised“ me even though I loved them and I suppose they must have had their weaknesses and their issues as well. I can always forgive people for what they do to me, but when they scar me so badly that I accidentally hurt the one I love the most, it makes me furious. Will I ever be done struggling with this? I’m 68 years old. 😪
It sounds as if you nearly ARE done with it!
Love and be loved.
@@angelam.e.richardson3501 Thank you! That’s great advice. 💕
🫂🌹🫂
You see my name, right? My mother was a pageant mom who pushed me into any runway, stage, photo set, etc that paid her. She then disowned my daughter for being a lesbian. That was the day I became an orphan. Honestly, best day of my life. I love supporting my daughter and her girlfriend. I didn’t lose anything.
I too am a Motherless Child. That is a perfect description of how I felt growing up. I remember being 7 or 8 and watching The Little Rascals (boy am I really dating myself) before school every morning. I related so well to Spanky and the rest of the gang as I believe most of the characters lived in The Orphanage. In an odd way I always felt comforted watching them. I knew I had a mother but felt like an orphan nonetheless. There were days I really wished I was one then I would have a reason for never receiving motherly love. I wished quite often at that age that a letter would come in the mail saying there was a mixup at the hospital when I was born and I did not belong to my mother. Or that I was adopted and my real mother was looking for me. Of course, being old now, I can see all the problems with those wishes. I always try to tell myself that it could have been worse and that's just life. We all have issues to deal with and perhaps it's a blessing to know what those issues are than to never figure it out. At least I did have a loving father and that may be what has helped me somewhat. But oh, how I can relate to being one of the motherless children.
I am almost 39 but just the other day I said "I wish I'd find out that I'd been mistakenly switched at birth and my real family is looking for me." And I 100% mean that. Nearly every single person on both sides of my family is awful. My grandparents were gems but died over 20 years ago. I'd give anything for a family.
I used to dwell alot in escapism. I used to deeply wish that someone nice just took me away from my parents. And this sort of escape fantasy is common when the parents don't love their children unconditionally.
Oh my goodness! I always felt that way. That song resonated with me, and I use to sing it. I chose not to have children because I had no example of how to be one, no support system, and I never trusted that I wouldn't become like 'her.' Being my own mother is ongoing like what a real mom is supposed to do. Having to grieve an existing parent for the entirety of their life is a curse. I hope to one day forget her altogether...that would be peace.
you are the first person i've heard with the same fear of repeating history by having a kid and behaving like "her". when i was younger, i took extra precautions with relationships because i was so terrified of getting pregnant and blaming/accusing/setting up (even unconsciously) the child as my mother did with me. if you find a way to forgive (which i have not, i am still full of rage at 63), the abuse is part of who you are. it infects everything - your thinking, your defense mechanisms, your relationships etc, and alienates you from your authentic self. my goal is to reclaim who i was supposed to be, my true nature that was buried, unloved), and some kind of peace with what happened. it is never-ending work.
@@jude8132 She had two older daughters, and saw all three as her competition. I was ashamed for her, but never ashamed of myself because I knew I wasn't like her or the two sisters . Ever since I had been extracted from her stomach, she resented me for it...until her dying day apparently. She passed away shortly after I went no contact. The vampire was starved of narcissistic supply. My migraine headaches stopped, and I thought I was home free. That's when her older two reared their ugliness. She left a legacy of pain. Maternal betrayal, and emotional incest is difficult to reconcile. Like you said, it permeates every aspect of the life. It can propel you at times, and incapacitate you at other times. The mutha that keeps on taking.
@@jude8132So well said. Thank you for articulating your lived-out experience so clearly. I'm 71...same experience. There are days I can scarcely breathe for the internal avalanche of the heavy weighted emotions I'm wrestling with too often. Never married. Never had children. We long to belong but can't trust it even if it were to present itself. 😢
Dr. Sage, you really helped me today talking about growing children. I have a teenage daughter and sometimes worry about her problems too much - because I used to be a parentified child, worrying about everybody around me (except myself). So thank you for this insight!
As a child I identified strongly with orphan characters in novels, even though I physically had two parents and a brother.
I just found this channel today and I can't believe how much this relates to me. It's actually comforting to listen to and read the other comments and know you are not alone.
Great video! I can relate to everything you discussed 58 and still dealing with being a parentless child. I've always felt like I don't belong to anyone.
You're worth your weight in Gold!! I just love how other think they knew a family. What' s sadder is their denial of anything happening. Now he is buried and I'm sure many of the family cried and the f*cker got away with it. My mom begged me in front of my psychiatrist saying that he's just a sick old man. He's at peace, the family kept up appearances, and I ..... find myself at your channel Your work is heaven sent! Please don't stop what you're doing!💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
I've never had someone verbalize how I felt in this much detail. Thank you for wanting to help others, plus still loving and staying true to yourself ❤
Sounds like you went on a much needed vacation only to come back to the same situations in your life. I think you might need another vacation soon where you actually get to rest up. That being said, you are helping many people when you share your feelings (no matter how difficult) with all of us. You break it down for us to make it easier to understand why we have these feelings of loneliness and wanting to isolate. Thank you, Dr. Sage. I hope you find peace and healing in your life since you are helping us find that in ours. 🙏🏻❤
I was forced to mother my mother (and take care of my elderly father) since childhood until now. I am 54 years old now. Never married, never had children and career. My whole life spent serving my mother. My oldest sister got all the attention growing up and i was expected to take care of her as well as a child. I was always hit n abused emotionally as a child. Severe Codependency issues as an adult, PTSD, rape trauma, attachment issues, depression etc. In my 30s, i got help n therapy. Im healing now.
I am age 54 and parentless, and both of my parents are alive. My mother remarried when I was 4, had two more kids, and then when I was 11, she left me with her crazy parents while they all moved out of the country until I was 18 years old. I was verbally and mentally abused and neglected by my grandparents while I was growing up.. My mother moved back to the country, but we were never super close. She clearly favors my half-brother and half-sister, everyone sees it. It’s blatantly obvious. We do talk, but only about superficial things, and our relationship has seriously deteriorated over the past few years from bad to worse. I also got screwed out of a HUGE inheritance because of her, which is another whole long story. My father never wanted to be involved with me because I reminded him of my mother, and he didn’t want to have to deal with her family. I stopped to see him just a few months ago, and he told me “there’s nothing there” between us, and he still doesn’t want to see me. I have been my whole life, and still am being rejected by both of my parents. I parented myself, for sure. I have serious trust issues, and never feel secure.
Thank you for mentioning nobody’s girl by Bonnie. I’ve never heard of it, just gave it a listen and it brought me to tears! Related to it so much, excited to read your book!
I feel the same way. Its a painful existence, but i try to make the most of it.
The no mirroring... no guidance part.... My Mom would never listen to me and affirm or validate my feelings, instead she would turn it around and make it about her. I would tell her about something I was interesting in learning or a course I wanted to take but couldn't afford it on my own. Instead of her helping me, she would get it for herself. SHE would go take the course. It felt as if I never really had my own identity because she was always wanting to take on my interests ... not so that we could do it together, but just for her. To this day, I still feel like I'm rudderless and lacking direction. My Dad died when I was in my 20's and everything just went to shit after that. He was the one that would listen to me but we had a strained relationship due to my parents splitting up when I was 15 and my Mom tried to turn. me against him by telling me personal things about him and their relationship ... I WAS 15!!! For the next 3 years, she made me her confidante and our relationship stopped being a parent / child relationship. I feel like I've been on my own ever since.
My parents are alive, and because of my kids we see each other often. As long as they treat my kids well I don't want to take away grandparents from them. But my whole life I never felt loved, and I didn't feel much for my parents. I can't relate when someone talks about their parents with love. my mom told me repeatedly I am only alive because my dad wanted to know what sex without a condom felt like on their honeymoon. She said repeatedly she's forced to love me because I'm her daughter but she doesn't have to like me. They only treat me poorly. I'm left out of many things. Just me. When my daughter was 3 she asked why no one loves me. Since then I've made an effort to be very careful how I act/react around my family. I told my parents what she said and before I could ask them to work with me to make sure she doesn't notice anything, I got yelled at and blamed for it. As a baby I'd bite my mom when she held me but never bit anyone else. So I wonder sometimes why, because I have no memory of it but I know babies and kids are very receptive to feelings and people. I'm rambling, sorry, the point is I am relieved to know it's not only me, because I try to figure out why I'm the only one in my family treated like this, but hearing this is a real thing is almost comforting. Not that I want anyone to hurt, but knowing it's not only me is a relief. Thank you!
I was that child!!! And I became my mother!!!! I cry everyday!!!
No one is safe. I'm not good enough or lovable and I need a lot of validation from people otherwise I feel rejected. If I write a comment and the vlogger of that channel doesn't give my comment a like, I feel hurt and rejected and I feel anger towards that person. I know this is my trauma reaction from childhood but whenever I leave a comment I feel like I'm taking a big risk that it won't get a like and that hurts a bit, if I'm honest. I think someone who had a loving and nurturing childhood would not be bothered at all if someone didn't like their comment because they have high self esteem and confidence from being loved. So, I know what areas I need to work on and I should learn not to be so sensitive or take things personally. I know it is an overreaction to trauma from my childhood.
Have you ever considered that you may have developed 'Borderline Personality Disorder' from abuse?
It might be worth investigating, and receiving some therspy for..apart from Kim, there is a man called Dr Fox, who specializes in understanding BPD....just a thought.
I'm sorry you feel so rejected...it's a dreadful feeling...I wish you future happiness.
Can relate
Weird comment but I like your video thumbnails. You're talking about serious topics but you look so natural & balanced...it's fitting.
May God bless you for sharing this!! It was so healing and helpful
Thank you for this!
I would love to hear your thoughts on what to do if there’s absolutely no attachment with a mother, but later in life she starts seeking that closeness. That sort of closeness seems weird, unnatural and makes me resentful. Thanks!
I really identify with this!!
I definitely gave that to my child today. Bless her heart. She's healing
I Can’t thank you enough for helping me to healing my spirit
My heart has yearned for healing
You are wonderful support
Your amazingly helpful
❤ I’m sending much love to all
I was bullied by my mom for 13 years of my life. I coped by dissociating as she screamed and hurled insults in my face. I was also molested by my dad when I was 12 and when I finally told her at age 20, she told me the military brainwashed me. I spent a childhood wishing to get away…Yet has the nerve to act like SHE is the victim because I don’t call. I honestly don’t think I will be sad when she passes away, only relief at being truly free.
This is spot on! My life
This video really resonated with me because I grew up in a really abusive house hold with two narcs for parents who I also think had BPD because of how abusive & unpredicatable they were. I didnt have parents, I was parentafied & abused by two demons. I feel like I pretty much raised myself & I have had to fend for myself since I was little.
Thank you! I’m sorry others experience this but feel a little less alone.
I always knew I wasn’t the problem, my parents were physically and emotionally absent. It made me question my own parental actions. Was I available enough? Loving enough? I could only compare myself against friends that actually were LOVED by their parents and I was lacking those experiences. I think I failed them somehow. I feel guilty because I believed if I couldn’t feel love for my parents, my kids wouldn’t be able to love me. I honestly don’t believe that’s the way my children feel about me but I can’t shake those insecurities out of me. Turning 60 this year and still feel worthless.
My life story. Once you accept the injustice and anger of not being wanted, loved or noticed by parents who literally abandoned you at a tender age, i find the reaction of most people to your stating "I really dont like my mother / father" is often deep surprise or shaming towards you. 😢
I'm reading an insightful book on how we psychologically internalize these wounds. "The Fantasy Bond" by Firestone.
Everything you said describes me. While it’s nice to finally be validated, I still don’t know what, if anything, I can do to change my perception. “Therapy” was useless. I’m on a fixed income so I have to take what they give me. Only in the last couple of years have I even started to understand my life. I’m 67 so it’s probably too late to change. I hate that my whole life was wasted trying to fix something that was unfixable. My mother was abandoned to an orphanage at age 2 so I guess neglect is my legacy.
This is so me. And the more I learn so I can heal, I’m no longer willing to have this one way relationship with her so i don’t call or visit like I used to but she wants to project like “oh you’ll don’t love me anymore…” I will not accept her guilt trip so it is what it is…. I’m not going to take responsibility of she and I having a “relationship”. I’ve always described myself as “motherless” as a teen and now almost 50. I’m fighting to be a better mother to my daughters than what I had….. 🤷🏾♀️
I never comment but have been watching your videos for some time. Wow. This one really hit resonated with me. The effects of this mother sounding has never gone away. I am in my 40s. I don’t know that it ever will. At least here is a community of people who understand what this feels like.
Thanks 🙏
I can’t comprehend or relate to the concept that parents can be anything other than an antagonistic enemy force that a child has to manage and protect themself from. If I were to become a parent, I can not comprehend how to care for a child in a way that conveys safety and trust, while somehow not being dominating, controlling, or enslaving to mitigate dangerous behavior. It’s kind of a loss for both.
My mother was extremely neglectful. I always try to explain this to my older sister but she gets mad and says “but mom is nice” and it’s like, ok mom is nice? But she wouldn’t take us to the doctor, wheneve my dad was screaming at me while teaching me how to play a musical instrument she never stopped him and he did that for years, she didn’t teach us anything when we homeschooled and we usually watched tv and I became extremely behind in school as a result, she was an animal hoarder and never took care of the 24 birds we had and many died as a result and I’m suppose to just get over it bc she is “nice”. I hate my family
This was so helpful. I’m a senior and still learning about my upbringing. I was the scapegoat for my mother who was an abusive alcoholic. My father was only home on weekends so she struggled with 3 little kids - I was the only girl and the youngest. I never thought about it until you mentioned it but she never said: “I love you”. I do remember my new sister-in-law giving me a hug whenever we met and it felt strange but i liked it. I realized that I had to get used to getting hugs. I had not thought about her not saying:”I love you”. Like never…. quite amazing I had not thought about it. I don’t even remember all the abuse/neglect either as it was just my norm. I remember certain instances and her general displeasure with me though. Thanks for your expertise and experience. ❤🇨🇦
Thank you so much for these videos! Dealing with deep childhood trauma wounds while being estranged from my mom the past 6 months and my sister having her first son. You and other progressive psychologists have taught me so much more than my nurse practitioner education did about mental health