For me I think the lack of “off leash” non-self-regulation time also ties directly into the “revenge bedtime procrastination” phenom. I often find myself doing practically nothing or the mindless scrolling even though I am physically and mentally tired and WANT to sleep, but my brain is like “I HAVENT HAD A RUN AROUND TODAY WE MUST STAY UP”
This is why I generally struggle to get to bed at a "reasonable" hour - my brain hasn't had the opportunity to do what it wants for long enough, so I end up doing whatever it wants to do until it gets to the point that it has finally had enough where it can actually fall asleep. I never understood why that happened and why at just some random point while doing it I was able to just stop and go to bed - this explains it perfectly.
I actually did that recently, kids were in bed early, and my partner was pretty tired and I wasn't so once she went to bed I spent a couple hours working on my model trains, immediately felt tired once my brain was satisfied with the progress I'd made and it felt pretty good
I think this is me... 100%... I don't think I've ever had a full night's rest for at least a few days in a row, for two decades. I heard to make up for one night of poor sleep, you must be fully rested for at least 4 days straight. I could never hit that. Even if I'm sleepy, once 9pm or so hits suddenly I want to do EVERYTHING for hours on end. I'll try to indulge that urge earlier on in the day somehow, and see if that helps.
This has been me for about my entire 39 year old life. I started medicine testing this winter, and I can now finally experience not feeling an intense need to stay up and do more fun stuff before the next work day.
The longer I spend in the adhd community. The less alone I feel. Anyone else feel like Jessica’s videos always come perfectly timed to their struggles?
For me it is being alone so no masking no decisions no people pleasing and I can just literally sit and stair out the window or watch a mindless show or old movie… that is my ultimate brain break! ❤
My entire 10 days holiday off work has been doing this! I felt guilty that I haven't done any major chores that I keep putting off, but I realised that I needed this potato time to re-set ❤
This is such a factor. I'd actually consider myself an extrovert, but being alone for a day, doing 0 masking and just letting the brain run wild is so important to shut down.
I love doing that. Just having time to myself to zone out and revisit old stories or movies or a game that I really love. But people don't seem to get that sometimes I just really need to be by myself, and I tend to feel most relaxed when other people have gone to bed for the night.
One of my favorite relaxing activities is what I call flow cleaning. I just go through the house cleaning whatever appeals to me. Can drive my housemates NUTS, but I get little things done. Also works at work. Instead of focusing on what's urgent, I take a half day to just get what appeals to me done.
I like that term, flow cleaning! It probably looks like I'm just randomly walking around the house, but in the end things are tidy and clean. Work with your brain, not against it
@@e_i_e_i_bro exactly this! 50% of the time it gives me enough happy brain chemicals to tackle the dishes/toilet/garbage/etc. Have to lure myself into doing chores like a stray cat.
My therapist once asked me when do I relax without thinking about work, things on my to do list, things I think should be on my to do list, etc. And I realized in that moment my answer was … never? I had never ACTUALLY relaxed without anything hanging over my head. It was so eye opening and that one question changed my life forever. (that therapist referred me to an adhd specialist shortly thereafter, lol)
My therapist on the other hand was stunned when I explained to him that just doing 1 thing was stressful to me, and I can relax best when I do something with my hands AND listen to something separately He changed tactics when a calming exercise sent me into a panic attack 😅
@@lilydot9745 he wanted me to do an exercise where you hold something and focus on it and your breathing, really center yourself. I told him it wasn't a good idea, but he told me to try anyway. So I did. Sounded easy enough, I thought it wouldn't work and I'd tell him and we would move on. However, bc of a medical issue, parts of me feel generally numb. Including half my lungs. Combine that with the ever looming dread that said medical issue will gradually make me lose feeling in my body more and more (it also comes with a tremor), and having to focus on lungs I can't really feel - I spiraled hard into a panic attack bc I was left alone with my thoughts in silence and the feeling of not really feelings my lungs as I breathed. He did not try to do that with me again, those focusing-exercises, is what I meant with changing tactics. We just stuck to talking and he let me show him some examples of fidgeting that help me think when I tlalk, instead of asking I stop that to really focus.
I'm starting to try to explain to people: 'I can listen to you BETTER if I can make notes at the same time, it's not a lack of interest, but the contrary.
Sometimes allowing myself to hyperfocus on something that I’ve been wanting to do can be really relaxing. I have kids so a lot of times I don’t allow myself to do stuff that I know I’m likely to hyperfocus on simply because I can’t afford to be unaware of what they are doing or getting into. So for me relaxing can be my husband taking the kids so I can allow myself to hyperfocus on whatever my brain wants to latch onto.
Fighting that urge is exhausting. If it's safe to let yourself indulge for a bit, it's so much mental energy you don't have to spend. For me, it's any kind of trading card game or similar thing. I'll get lost in working out optimal strategy for hours, but my brain is trying to do that anyway and giving it a chance to do that while I'm not trying to force it back to something else is almost magical. I'm not bored, not trying to figure out what else I need or want to do. I'm just in the moment, enjoying it
I have felt that same way, kinda like I’m suppressing the hyperfocus because I have to be available/aware of other things. It’s nice to take a day or just a few hours that you know you have to yourself to let it loose and allow your hyperfocus to take priority!
A “break from self regulation” has become the gift I’ve given myself! My diagnosis came later in my life (74) so I’ve had decades of self monitoring, regulating, apologizing, and ruminating! It’s been so exhausting! For the past year I’ve deliberately spent less time with others, but I also cut myself some slack on the self monitoring and just accept that I’ll screw up sometimes. I’ve felt so unburdened!
No blame no Shame !Tell around when necessary you are Neuroatypic Gufted with sensitivity and creativity. Be indulgent with yourself first❤The world will follow, be confident, it's matter of time!
Apologizing and feeling shame. I am 52, ADHD and ey to confirm ASD. I can relax by doing watercolors, but I have a lot to think out. Colors, values, how much water, what kind of paint brush. It can take me a week of evenings to paint a 5" x 7" simple painting 😊 I enjoy the planning part, so it keeps my mind busy
"I'm going to sit how I want" hit home for me. I was once called out by my Director at an old job for swinging my swivel chair during a meeting. He said I looked like a child. This was pre-diagnosis so I was thouroughly embarrassed. Now I know its a part of who I am and am so glad I can WFH where I can pace, swirl, w/e I want!
Same!!! I always thought I was just picky about sitting. Sitting in chairs "normally" is PAINFUL and really does take so much energy. I need my legs up or crossed and to be able to swivel - anything else is exhausting for me.
I have witnessed this with my partner and I really think you've hit on a nuance that doesn't always get talked about. He has a lot and I mean a LOT of obligations, a very busy schedule. And recently he's been much more frustrated and quick to anger in ways he normally wouldn't, not very nice by his own admission etc, and when we've drilled down on it, it comes down to him "not being able to do what he wants when he wants to, ever". And that inability to just have time to "be him" really burns him out fast. And like you said, his "me time" isn't necessarily relaxing to most. It could be hours of hard gardening work that technically needs to be done (he does enjoy "feet in earth"). Or his usual daily gaming. But it's that ability to say nope, not going to oblige social norms and expectations, not going to answer the phone, I'm just going to do me right now is such a refresher for him. I see it and encourage it. So some of our weekends together, he's up and down every hour or two, disappears into the garden, putters around the house, and I'm like go vibe, roam, pause the movie again LOL. I know it's because he's just DONE regulating. And he needs to just let his brain do its thing.
You sound like a good partner. If you don't have ADD/ADHD yourself but are on this vid doing some personal research just for the sake of educating yourself about what your partner deals with, please give yourself a gold star, internet cookies, and 100 points to the Hogwarts House of your choice.
Its really nice to read about you two being so open with your communication and ready to solve problems in your relationship. The compassion and empathy you've displayed for your partner in your reaction to his behaviour is really incredible and heart-warming. I hope that things improve for the both of you with your new understanding and approach!
It's so great to see a significant other really trying to understand. It's so hard to explain to people why sitting and watching a full movie with them (for example) sounds torturous, and has caused a lot of hurt feelings and conflict in previous relationships. Good for you-- your partner is a lucky guy!
I try to (gently) encourage my husband to be more like this, but he has a lot of difficulty allowing himself to be this way. He's still so often pulled between what he wants, what he thinks he's supposed to want, & what he believes NEEDS to be done😪
I like to do what I call "ADHD puttering" where I let myself just wander around the house and take care of things. Great for attending to the random projects that never pop up in priority. I've been trying to develop a habit of doing 10-20 min of this every day after I get home with my kid. Sometimes I'll let myself do it for the whole day when I don't have the spoons to decide on the project.
Same! I used to call it letting my ADHD loose, but I feel like "puttering" is a much better description. It is so rewarding, because I actually feel mental relaxation and am happy with whatever I happen accomplish.
This is my recovery after my last night shift. No structure really, just putter around the house, garden or in the shed. Doing things I want to, not scheduled. And I usually finish in the afternoon mowing the lawn then having a beer and admiring it. Most people can't understand how I look forward to that, but it is a job that is easily completed with my headphones in, listening to an audiobook. And the visual improvement gives a rush of achievement 😀 And it makes me really feel I have earned my beer🍺
@@emceeboogieboots1608 Love this! I also love doing the yard work. Given weather, sun, and other sort of chaos, it can be really hard to make plans. So I take care of the min required stuff and then pick other projects to randomly work on. Headphone on, music, randomly puttering on stuff to do depending on weather, mood, etc. So good.
My partner knows that it makes me feel really good when he listens to my rambling. He likes listening to whatever I'm focused on at the moment. But it really exhausts him, and that's okay too. He tells me to hang up and text him instead, so he can respond when he has the energy to follow my crazy thought patterns. It's so much nicer to hear someone say, "I would love to finish this later, when I can actually pay attention" vs "Are you done yet? Do you ever stop talking?"
This explains so much about why driving aimlessly on dirt roads doing what I call "lazy nature photography" or "ADHD-friendly nature photography" is the most effective way for me to recharge .. a big portion of that is NOT thinking, NOT making decisions and just being in the moment and letting my ADHD run wild .. which is actually very helpful with nature photography, because I see so many things that others with me miss .. it's so freeing and relaxing to not focus and let my attention lead me wherever it may .. plus, I end up with amazing photos when I get back!
You know what's odd? I have ADHD and also Aspergers. It's difficult for me each and every day to not either bore or burn myself out. I have noticed whenever I let my brain "off-leash" for my ADHD to get some stimuli I have to be careful not to do too much or else I'm going to be exhausted the next one or two days. This is probably the most frustrating aspect of having AuDHD, for me. Sometimes I feel like I cannot satisfy both sides in my life and I'm in a constant fight with myself.
I'm in the same boat, I feel this completely. It's like there's this small "habitable zone" of the optimal amount of stimulation where I'm ideally functional and productive, but it's so unbelievably small that too much of a push in either direction will throw me out of it and I'll end up either with my brain going off-leash on its own accord or sitting and idly stimming to try and get myself back into that habitable zone. the other big struggle I have is the desire and practical need for routine and/or a schedule in order to feel functional, yet the ADHD side of my brain looks at a schedule I've made for myself and says "Nah, I'm not gonna do that", so I can never stick to a routine or schedule long term and it is frustrating and exhausting 🙃
Same boat here. Not diagnosed yet but after a few anxiety and panic attacks I decided it's time to get a diagnosis because I really hate people not taking me serious when I tell them "I am tired, exhausted, at the edges of my capacity and balancing my life is like walking at the edges of a fine threaded line 🙂 I am scared of getting overwhelmed again"
I hear you. My ‘off-leash’ times often end up being hyper focused on some thing, and then I get burned out by that. Walks with no one around are good. Should do more of that
I started therapy and during my intake session, she asked questions about whether my symptoms were making it difficult for me to relax. My response: What is relaxing?? I never even considered that it might be tied to my ADHD.
There me also the GUILT! Because we live in a world that doesn’t understand uneven attention and productivity, we’re always being criticised (mostly for not having a consistent level of productivity), so when we try to Stop, in order to relax, it feel wrong and self indulgent because we ‘don’t produce enough’ in any given day so how come can we be ‘relaxing and doing nothing’ 🤷🏻♀️
can’t do any more things that need to be done bc too stressed and/or too tired -> can’t stop and rest bc stressed by thinking about things that need doing but now aren’t being done and/or stressed by actual rest method(s) chosen -> can’t do enjoyable/non-reg activity bc too tired from doing things that needed doing and/or stressed by thinking about things that still need doing and aren’t being done -> can’t just too go back to doing the the things that need doing bc STILL too tired/stressed … etc etc, ad infinitum 🫠
@alleysouza7200. I was given a phrase: Your rest is productive. And taking a break, whether to nap or hyperfocus on some yummy new projects, creates space for us to breathe. When we return to our day to day routine, we have the necessary energy to be productive by societal standards.
omg it's in WORDS! Yes. This!! 100% this! And then I feel bad about not doing the things that "should" be relaxing, things I know I like, but can't do. That adds to the stress and guilt, culminating in a lack of relaxation during the small window when you have time to relax. Feels like I've wasted that window and remain stressed going into the next few days to accumulate more stress, and the cycle continues.
Another challenge, and a reason why this is not a guaranteed solution 100% of the time, is that often we need this kind of rest BEFORE we can relax like normal people, but we may STILL NEED to relax like normal people do. It's a cruel circumstance when you are too exhausted to rest; just ask my 3 and 6 year-olds. Edit to add: I'm currently in graduate school, and what I like to do for "rest" time is allow myself to deep dive into scholarly articles about tangential subjects I encounter in classes. I spend SO MUCH TIME reading about things that won't help me with my school work, and then when I feel refreshed, I close the articles or save them for later and get back to researching stuff for class. 😅
I love it when they're topic adjacent so that when you get back to what you actually were supposed to be studying it has surprise bonus relevance that helps you understand the other content faster
I'm currently listening to the audio book Range by David Epstien and I think you should take the time to listen or read it too, as I think you'll have less guilt over the habit of researching unrelated topics.
This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I often feel guilty for doing activities when I "should" be relaxing, but if it's what my brain naturally wants to do in the moment, then it IS relaxing for me.
The days I’m most relaxed are when I just let myself wander around, start a task, drop it, switch to something else, phone a friend, watch tv, take a nap, just do anything that my brain wants to do in whatever order it wants to do it
You are so right. 10 years ago I was misdiagnosed that I didn't have ADHD. Through this channel I looked into it again because deep down I had a feeling that I do have ADHD and guess what? I finally got the diagnosis 3 weeks ago. I am so grateful! lots of love from a german brain ✨
Yes! I needed a word for this!!! I always just tell my fiancé, “I need to just bop around for a bit” which usually means running around the house doing random little tasks, also messing with my houseplants 😅
Yes, totally me! Never put the pieces together though. Oh! Also, I just recalled this very moment about my (late) grandmother. We always referred to her as a "constant putterer". Ha! I bet you she had it too. ( miss my Gram❤)
The problem is when you're both mentally *and* physically tired. Because there are times when I really desperately need to just sit down and relax, but that's stressful for my brain because *it* needs to be doing something and I don't have the energy to quiet that down. There are also times when I'm mentally exhausted and need quiet time due to my depression or anxiety, but my (suspected) ADHD just won't let me. I have definitely noticed the "letting your brain off the leash" thing to help at times, though. I don't presently feel like I'm ever in control of my brain, sadly, but I do try to steer and sometimes just letting go can get me out of a rut.
so true!!! feels like the letting your brain off leash is for the moments where you haven't exausted yourself completely yet. And when you have.... oh well... I don't know there isb't much you can do. Unfortunately
If I don’t get enough sleep I usually suffer the whole day, sometimes for the week until I catch up. Accepting that I might have a different threshold for being tired or for stimulation has been a process too. I always feel like I’m behind on stuff and comparing myself to others
This post almost made me cry. Thank you for sharing about the physical exhaustion bit! I find my best outcomes for when I just don’t have energy and experiencing anxious/depression is self-soothing self massage- like there is no structure whatsoever, but I’ll just rub my temples, or lie o the ground and gentle rock side to side, rub my hands together, squeeze various parts of my hands, forearms etc…it feels good, takes very little energy and it is fidgeting which “gives back” to me.
I like to do jigsaw puzzles or puzzle books (mainly nonograms) while I watch tv or youtube. I tend to be physically tired after coming home from work. Sometimes mentally too. Doing a mentally active activity that is low stakes compared to work relaxing. It also gives me something to look forward to each night as I see how much progress I make. There's also video games, books, and knitting/crochet as other options for low energy but mentally active activities. Just set a timer for bed in case you hyper fixate.
I totally get the physical exhaustion, especially since it's often a chronic symptom for adhd in adults (ppl think the adhd went away when ppl grow up since the hyperactivity did, but no, it usually just flops in the opposite direction and gets overlooked as a symptom) I usually put on an audio-only medium to listen to that I already know (bc that's a lot less mentally exhausting than something new, plus: music alone usually isn't enough, I prefer something with talking, sometimes just one person, or a full cast or multiple speakers, depending on how mentally exhausted I am) and do something easy and repetitive with my hands that requires very little focus. For me that's crochet or puzzles, but some people like to doodle or colour or knit or do origami. Anything goes, really, so long as it's simple for you to do. It satisfies the brain's need for stimuli without requiring actual proper attention, while giving your hands something to do to avoid the restlessness of being still. Like fidgeting for your brain AND your hands, but you get to lay still and Not Have To Think for a bit
During school break this year I played a game for 15 days straight 10 hours each day. COMPLETELY let my brain off the leash, haven’t felt THAT relaxed in soooo long. But I stopped regulation too much and ended up not eating and showering properly lmao. It was worth it tho. I’d been extremely stressed with school so it was a very needed break from self-regulating
Giving myself a break looks like either a random creative project or deep introspection that has lead to trauma healing for me as well as my friends. My brain's biggest drive is knowing why (for everything), so relaxing for me often looks like a deep dive into understanding deeply complex subjects.
Taking a hot bath, while either watching a movie/tv show or listening to an audio book and not caring about how long I've been in the tub, is really relaxing to me. It's hard to relax when I feel people judge how long my bath's can be. Also doing art or crafts. What works best is just letting myself shake my leg or fidget.
Wait, so it isn't just me who loves very long baths that run into hours? Actually, sending greetings from my bathtub! I bathe at night whenever I can, because that's the only time when I am truly left to my own devices.
I feel this. Letting the guilt go feels impossible sometimes. I’d rather not relax sometimes just so I can not feel bad about myself. Sounds insane, right? 🤣
Tip for anyone else who also has trouble focusing on concentrating on the talking (processing the audio input) with vids, despite the visuals of human movement, it may help to put the captions on. The shifting text keeps grabbing your focus, but since it's a transcript of what she's saying (it's related to the other thing you're trying to focus on, which is what you're hearing, rather than competing with it by providing unrelated info), you can switch focus between paying attention to audio and reading the text without losing anything. Just a little something I noticed today.
❤I literally just noticed this yesterday. When I accidentally put the captions on. Worked for a while. But my desire to read the comment section, over powered. I wanted to have both running at the same time. The comments, and the video. It was a diy video about making flowers out of paper. Ask me if I made the damn flowers. No, but in my head I did. 😂😂
This is the only way I can watch a show, anyone who doesn't do this how, but yeah I go to the comments section and don't pay attention to the actual video, kinda like if I'm watching a show I go chase my cat and play with it and then go do something else cause why not? Captions def help though
I've been taking a "puppet" (really anything with a "mouth" i can open and close easily) and making it mouth the words being said. It's like doodling, but with the words that someone else is saying?
@@AroundTheBlockAgain brilliant...this...I have to try this...hopefully I don't go off on a tangent creating a whole a** back story for the puppet, and end up making a puppetshow on something completely different from what is being said. Cause it sure crossed my mind when you said anything with a mouth that can open ots mouth easily lmao...I had like 30 different characters in my head already from that alone. I pictured a sock monkey, Kermit, Ms.Piggy, lambchop 🤣
When I get to those points, I announce to myself and anyone around me, "It's an ADD Day" and let my brain take over. I put my list of thing to do away and just go where my brain takes me and I feel better at the end of the day. Relaxing is hard work!
This sounds exactly like what my husband and I have designated as "pixie dust" time. I recognized a long time ago that I need downtime, where I'm not trying to mask my ADHD for a while and can just let go. If I don't get that time, I do wind up having a complete meltdown later on. Since my husband calls me Tinker, (since I'm pretty sure Tinkerbell has ADHD, too), we started calling it "pixie dust" time and that's exactly what it is. It's time for me to let go of the self-regulation, of having to "focus" and be productive. Without that time, I reach a point where I become pretty much useless.
This makes so much sense 😭 Ever since i moved out of my parents place to go to college, I spent so much time priortizing things that I "needed" to get done like assignments, chores, etc. that I kept burning out. Since I have been suppressing thr urge to do things that I "want" to do for so long that I don't even know how to let my brain off-leash 😭
When I retired, I learned letting your brain off-leash for too long isn’t a good thing, and it led me to a diagnosis. When I don’t have a specific purpose like work to force me to regulate, I work on a myriad of projects I never finish. I relax by listening to long form content preferably something I’m already familiar with and resting my eyes, or working puzzles in my head or daydreaming/brainstorming/planning on a project that interests me.
I usually like doing something relatively repetitive with my hands that requires little thinking, and then putting on an audio-only medium to keep me entertained. I just zone out for hours on end and can finally just breathe edit: the whole "taking your brain off a leash" yes, very much that! I mostly do that in the last 3-4-ish hours of the day, but every now and then I take a full "day off". I make sure I have no responsibilities for that day and then just do whatever I want - usually that means working on something, and I end up making a lot of progress, even if it's sometimes very scattered. It's such a relief to just follow the brain for the day, it's like a mini-vacation lol Sitting however I want at work has been a huge relief tho, as has wiggling in my chair and singing along or commentating when I'm in HO haha
I've been applying rhinestones to cups, and it's been wonderful. Takes just enough thought to be somewhat engaging, but is still mindless enough that it's still a therapeutic activity.
@@lemmetalkaboutthis so far, I've just given them as gifts to friends. If I stick with it long enough (insert laughter), maybe I'll sell them... But as for now, it's just something I enjoy doing for others - but at my own leisure. That's the hangup about selling them, I don't like the idea of feeling obligated to do it for "orders"... ya know?
Thank you so much for this! Sometimes people harshly critizise me. They don't understand that relaxing might mean something different to me than what they would choose for themselves. Sometimes it looks like there is only one "right" way to do something and everyone else looks "broken", meaning they try to fix something in me. Thank you for reminding me that I am NOT broken :) I am wonderfully made just the way I am. (Everyone needs fixing sometimes, but not this time - hooray!)
Some times i sign out 2 times at my job as i am confused if i signed out or not becausei dont remember ! Doese this happen to anyone else please share your thoughts if this happens to you , do one thing twice cause you dont remember the first time ?
Take a break from relaxing I love that! This perspective is so enlightening. I sometimes criticize myself for impulsive projects but now I realize that’s my brain taking a break from “planning and executing”. Not acting according to plan from time to time is the unique way for ADHDer to recharge.
Something I've come to realize is that having a fairly regularly scheduled office job with the same hours, week in and week out, means I have a pretty predictable routine. Which is good. But it also means that I get bored, particularly on weekends, and I am steadily learning to embrace the weekend as my time to 'go off leash' and just do whatever I want on a whim and break schedule. Last weekend i found myself unable to relax and focus on a TV show so I ended up washing dishes 😂. Felt great
This is one of the places where I connect with maladaptive daydreaming. Daydreaming is a safe place to "go crazy" without affecting others. But then...it got too comfy to keep going there.
This is such an interesting perspective on why it’s so hard for us to relax! I have gone to my therapist several times with this exact issue because I just never feel like I can truly give myself a break-there’s always something else I “should” be doing. I think you’re 100% correct in the need to go off-leash a bit, but the difficult part is not feeling guilt around it. Thanks for sharing this!
I think it would be worth while to do an experiment. Allow yourself, myself off leash time and track productivity following the break. I suspect it would increase.
So weird… quite literally last night my wife and I were talking about how I don’t know how to relax. She was trying to get me to watch a movie. She told me to take a shower first (because that’s a stim). Then I made it through the movie and it was actually nice, and most of the time I paid attention to the story, but some of the time I was analyzing the color grading and focal lengths of the cameras. 😂
I love SPFX and SPFX make-up, lighting, foley, editing, musical composition - I love that about entertainment. So much so, I lived in Hollywood, for a while, in my early twenties. However, I have a very difficult time finding things I can really get into, now - and it’s rare I can sit and watch something, without doing other things, to a degree. Though, I enjoy the aforementioned things.. I tend to stare at the actors and their facial expressions and such.. A lot of times, there are so many little things in their behavior, where even if they are known as a great actor - I see right through it, and it almost looks as though they are rehearsing to me. Not always. Sometimes, I find people believable; and sometimes even if they aren’t believable, I still find it entertaining. I mean.. My favorite movie, ever, is Grandma’s Boy, for cryin’ out loud, lol.
I relate to this! My family knows by now that if I’m joining them for a movie a light is going to be on so I can see to sew, lol. No way could I sit through a movie without my hand sewing/quilting (this applies to any situation where I have to sit and listen, too. I’ve sewed so many quilt blocks in church. 😆).
I totally agree. My ADHD had never be a problem before grad school, but when I got in, I start having this idea that I needed to have every task scheduled, follow a structured plan, otherwise I would fail.... my ADHD, which I always managed intuitively, became this huge problem in my life, interfering with everything I wanted/needed to do... Now, after failing my qualifying exams and almost being kicked out of the program, I realized that this is not the way I want to live my life. I started allowing myself to do whatever I want with my free time, which means hyper focusing on "non-important" tasks a lot of the times and not feeling guilty about! It's been a journey, but I am finally feeling as myself and I am def feeling happier.
There’s so much out there about the importance of structure/routine for people with ADHD, it’s interesting that in some respects this could actually be actively harming some people with ADHD! It’s like we need loose or intermittent structure/routines. It’s definitely a very hard balance to figure out!
Hey Jessica, this was incredibly helpful! I’m a therapist and I primarily work with teens and their families, the majority of who are neurodivergent, I am too. ADHD tribe 🙋🏻♂️ I’ve been struggling with an ADHD eval for a client…like how to help MDs involved see what the patient is actually experiencing when the “typical ADHD symptoms” aren’t apparent in class because the patient has learned how to mask and suppress the symptoms in order to survive social settings that aren’t designed for people with neurodivergent nervous systems. Long paragraph, sorry. I am going to include in my eval that this client becomes exhausted by the effort put into self-regulating on a daily basis, and that’s exactly what happens. I experience too. And the idea of taking a break from self-regulating was a mind blow for me. Thank you 🙏
Really helpful! Would appreciate if you share with me how you got yourself through your studies to be where you are now.., My ADHD teen will leave school and she has so much potential and understanding of neurodivergents and her brother more functional limiting and ID ..,she’s be a great pead OT or childcare teacher .. she agrees natural ability but she barely made it through senior school with us both sane .. absolutely hates sitting to learn & absorb info & retain .. will learn through experience or on the job or class discussions or videos … actudlly also naturally absorbs health topics well … It makes sense to her she could do naturopathy
Thank you for sharing this. I call these "squirrel days" because I let go of the reigns and let the squirrels in by brain have run of the place. On days like this I am just as likely to weed a flowerbed, learn about ancient philosophy, bake cookies, play a video game I already beat, or balance my checkbook. My wife has been awesome in this and knows "squirrel days" suggestions are accepted, but odds are good nothing will be completed.
Greetings fellow Brains =D After a reasonable wait I finally got diagnosed with ADHD (and Dyslexia) last week (at 22)! I've been watching these videos for a couple of years ever since I started wondering if I'm neurodivergent. Without the wealth of knowledge on the channel that I can completely relate to I don't think I would have thought seriously about ADHD and would still be stuck not really knowing how to get support. Thank you for the amazing job you do =D
I was over 50 at diagnosis - you are lucky enough to know, now, while you are young, and can adapt your life to make the most of having one of natures wonderful super powers. Learn everything you can about to get the best out of it, and how to become a superstar. To encourage you, I left school at 16 (hated it), have worked my way from the shop floor to fairly high up, now have a masters degree and a wonderful wife and two daughters. It was hard, but is a lot easier now I know who I really am underneath. So make the most of it, and just be you. This channel was my go to, and I recommend it when discussing neurodivergence.
I was in my late 20s when diagnosed. I generally share my diagnoses with anyone who comments about my quarks.... I don't view it as an excuse but it is certainly a reason why somethings are nearly impossible for me to do well and somethings are extremely easy compared to most people....
@@alexlail7481 I am more guarded about my diagnosis - except where its patently obvious. And I have started to do a few stand up sessions about my ADHD and the impact on my mental health down the years. And I agree - some tasks are just super easy. We also find the most efficient way to do almost anything.
The "it's not planned" is the most important part of anything I do to relax. Sometimes it's a huge project that takes days or weeks, sometimes it's learning a new skill, sometimes it's a quick game of sudoku, sometimes it's driving to ikea just to walk around. It just has to be unplanned. If i try to relax deliberately, i can't relax. It's relaxing to just sorta... float on whatever breeze my brain wants to catch, lol.
Just started to discover the fact I likely have ADHD, and this is an excellent way of describing this. My problem is that I don’t want to let myself relax or go “off mental leash” because there is so many better things to do. And when I have gone off leash sometimes, I end up in 50 different rabbit holes and feeling stuck… There are times where I just impulsively say “I am cleaning my room, and I am doing it now to just decompress” and then I do it and feel absolutely wonderful afterwards.
I've never thought about relaxing in terms of taking a break from self regulating but that makes a lot of sense! A lot of times I just can't seem to find an activity that suits my current needs for relaxing. This has given me lots to think about. Thanks!
Fast paced video games make me feel so zen. When I need a break I usually turn on a game and my body gets to relax while my brain goes wild. It feels so good. It feels almost spiritual when brain and body finally find peace together, even when they are doing the exactly opposite thing
lol. I always found video games overwhelming and stressful. I used to hyper focus on building gaming PCs for friends and family that they could use. After a few years I'd got to the stage of extreme case modding and proper metal working.
I've noticed in the comments that many of you are stressed in the stories you tell and in committed relationships in those stories. I'm going to assume when young or in being young. When I was young, I had multiple friend groups that were very different, and I would bounce between them. So different that if they met, they would not get along. This gave me the variety that I needed. I did this instinctively. I did not know I had adhd. It may be helpful for those of you in committed relationships to have solid blocks of time (2-3 weeks) to do something different. Think of it like a temporary hobby then you go back to 'normal life'. Or something similar that is suitable for how you live. Something else to consider, I noticed I needed extra time with people or otherwise. For example, if hadn't seen a friend for some time I would need to spend a couple of days with them. Otherwise, I was agitated like I didn't get enough time to absorb the experience. It was the feeling like missing a loved one.
I totally had many different friend groups in high school and basically every day I’d have my lunch with a different group. I needed that freshness, too. It’s interesting to think about if / how I apply that in my life now.
Amen... for me atleast to 'sit still and relax' is generally torture. But to go off leash and do whatever is typically relaxing. I also suspect that I am on the autism spectrum, but it could be masking. Typically interacting with random people is very draining and even occasionally a few that i know are taxing, but with the right person and topic my mouth can operate for hours.
This makes a lot of sense. This might be also why hyperfocus feels relaxing even when it's some skilled work, you're just doing exactly what you want and not doing anything else or caring about anything else
Often when everything gets too much for me, I just lie down on the couch doing nothing. It helps me grasp whatever needs to be done or just pauses my mind for long enough that something that I want to do seems worth doing now. Also it makes it easier to transition to a new task. Who could have known having "no expectation time" could be liberating 😊
Thank you for this reframe. It is helpful as I recall getting shamed for being a “workaholic”. I frustrated people because I’m often productive in my downtime and they get “worried” that I don’t give myself a break but it feels good to get to do the things that I often put off so that I can do what I’m supposed to do. Now I recognize that it is my way of relaxing. That feels better.
I am so glad that someone understands how difficult it is with ADHD. I spend a lot of time trying to fit in to the neurotypical world and when I "Act Up" people think it is because I am not on my meds. It isn't because I haven't taken my meds for a while, although that is sometimes the case, my brain just broke free and the rest of me ran with it. I do intentionally let my brain go once in a while and just follow along and enjoy the ride. Sometimes this is putting on the headphones and blasting music and sometimes it's Computer games. Sometimes it is writing a paper or reading a book. Where ever my brain goes, it goes.
You just put into words something I’ve struggled with for about 38 years! Thank you! It’s eye-opening. “Trying to relax” can be super exhausting and frustrating for me. So glad to know there is a reason and that I can give myself permission to relax in my own way. This is a very validating video. Thank you!
This is so true. I can't relax. My brain is constantly thinking of things I should be doing. I never knew this was ADHD, but it makes sense. There are things I'm still learning that are symptoms of ADHD. It's always good to hear that you're not alone. Great video, as usual 😊
I just turned 33, and I just started watching your videos. I haven't been officially diagnosed with adhd but your content resonates with my daily life and I feel like I should go and get tested. My issue is I keep putting it off and I feel like this evidence in itself that I might be adhd.
F**k. I'm 35 years old and I've beaten myself close to a burnout more then once in my life. This little peace of advice offers me a completely new perspective on how to work with myself and on how to treat myself better. Thank you so much!
I completely agree with this! A couple weeks ago I had an intentional day off work, while scrolling pinterest I saw this woven piece of art which led me down a rabbithole of how to make your own loom out of cardboard and making one. I felt great and rested by the end of the day. I think framing it like this (letting go of self-regulating) will help allowing myself more of these days or moments.
I've only recently learned this! I'm 37, found out I have ADHD last year, and recently went back to school where I have to "focus" while also having a full-time job and being a single mom. I was really struggling after two semesters and figured out it was really about having time to just let my thoughts wander. Daydreaming really helps.
So glad this video popped up on my feed. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD at 33 years old, and one of the key things that brought ADHD to my attention was the fact that I could never "relax properly". Everything you explained in this video resonated with me SO HARD and I'm really excited to learn how to relax in my own way and take a break from self-regulating. Thank you so so much.
Omg thank you for putting this into words! I feel like I knew this intuitively (I'd often phrase it as "needing unstructured time") but somehow I'd never connected the dots that it's specifically a self-regulation thing, but it totally is! I also think this is one of the reasons I tend to feel really energized after hanging out with my ADHD friends. We don't feel the need to mask around each other, which means a lot less energy spent on self-regulation. For me, time spent not self-regulating can look a couple ways: either spending a lot of time on a single fun thing (not having to regulate myself by sticking to a schedule to make time for productivity), or bouncing around between activities and just letting my interest go where it will (not trying to regulate my focus)
Very validating. I struggle to relax, even when I am doing something "relaxing". Thank you for defining what it really means for people with ADHD - taking a break from self-regulating.
♥♥♥I agree that the whole anti-chasing dopamine agenda isn't always helpful. I find spending some time every day just looking for vintage toys unhinged is one of the most relaxing activities I do. And when I look at my to-do list I still have often accomplished much. But unstructured play is so much more rewarding and relaxing then structured one and I don't want to be without it.
I like this. I’ve been calling it “feeling trapped,” but thinking of it as “self regulation” is more accurate (and sounds nicer!) You are spot on - self-reg can be utterly exhausting - even just in the anticipation. I like your ideas!
Just wanted to say that as a Dutch ADHDer I love your channel! And fun to see you're trying to learn my native language. Thank you so much for your amazing videos😊
Wow yeah, well said. Just yesterday I was having fun deep cleaning some random hidden area of my oven and thinking “why am I not relaxing?”. One thing: even when I reframe specifically social media scrolling, it still ends up with a lot of harmful consequences (mostly I get stuck scrolling and feel worse). I feel like when I need a break, I don’t have the resources to always figure out something I want to do. I’ve tried like planning fun breaks (origami, fun new art style, netflix & laundry), but haven’t yet hit the nail on the head.
I even found it relaxing learning about something that didn't pertain to my degree. Took a Philosophy class just to help question WHY I question everything. During this time, I found out my Oldest Son (has ADHD too) was watching a UA-cam series about Philosophy. We had some of the most wonderful conversations!
I've started bird watching as a way to "relax" which many have said it would be to boring, but I get to play where's Waldo with birds, get distracted by the littlest movement/sound, physically moving my body, and exercise my brain in memorization of bird types and their calls Shout out to Lesly the Bird Nerd for getting me into bird watching
Hi so excited finally getting my first meds delivered tomorrow it has been along 6 months since my diagnosis. A big thank you for keeping me going during the whole process. I was told by friends I might have ADHD who are also diagnosed, and then I watched one of your videos and it was like hearing myself. I am 49 yrs old and have struggled my whole life even to the point of taking 3 overdoses but I am a lot better now and cried with relief when finally diagnosed. Keep going you are helping a lot of people worldwide speak again my fellow brain lots of love and respect from Simon in the UK
This is so great. I am a teacher and I love developing cool activities for class but my partner will tell me I should relax outside work hours. I'm like, this is my relaxation! A good guideline for that I guess is that if it doesn't get finished, is it a problem? If not, then it's perfectly fine to do it as a fun side project.
When I was in my senior year of undergrad, I would relax by doing my Differential Equations homework. This explains why I found it relaxing when a lot of typical relaxation stuff didn't do anything for me, and I think it will help me figure out how to actually take a break moving forward. ❤
I used to hyper fixate on my homework a lot. Solving problems and note taking was oddly satisfying for me to the point I would sometimes get a little ahead. Great for the classes that caught my attention but others that didn't were so hard to not fall asleep trying to do homework/study.
Math supposedly uses the opposite part of the brain of where it creates stress, so counting is often utilised by calming exercises. I wonder if math or numbers-related stuff is just relaxing in general in that way for us 🤔 I totally relax when I do crochet and can focus on counting stitches, same with embroidery
I really appreciate how u are able to put these complex situations into words. Its already hard enough to deal with ADHD. Not being able to explain why im struggling makes it even worse. Thank u so much for ur work. U are really changing lives for the better
This explains why I gravitate towards Netflix when I'm tired and overstimulated. It's not dopamine chasing. It's the ONE AND ONLY activity that doesn't require me to self-regulate in any way.
How did you know I so needed this today? Great points. My self reg is spending time in nature, especially with my dog. Going for a walk like we did tonight through the dark woods, watching nature's fireworks (lightening bugs!) was heaven after a stressful day. Taking care of my plants, feeding the birds, watching the birds... I love it. One day, when I have time to devote to it and truly relax, I really want to get back into drawing and painting too.
I 100% feel you on this, I've been feeling like this for years now and it's been driving me nuts. The ONLY time I have ever felt 100% relaxed was while in the arms of a partner. That or a few moments after my heart settles when they have laid their hand on my chest realizing I'm having a morning panic attack. Not even meditation has ever been able to release my thoughts and the tension I get across my entire body like a warm embrace! I never realize how tense I am on a daily basis until someone gives me a hug lol I almost started balling on a friend last year cause we cuddled to watch a movie and before the movie even started the feeling of absolute bliss as my body actually relaxed for this first time since lockdown was just to much... I was so embarrassed
Omg this totally explains why i am so productive when I do what I call "side-questing". I get so much done by moving around cleaning whatever comes to mind.
I find that setting is truly important as well. It's finding different places that put you into different mindsets than just work and home. The gym, biking, the library, the park, and socializing with various groups actually makes me feel like I'm diversifying my daily experiences to balance & find new ways to destress.
Totally relate to this! Thank you for the phrase, 'letting our brains off leash,' that really works for me. Usually on Saturdays I have a day where I let my brain do what it wants. I try to check back about late afternoon to see what I need to have the rest of the day feel successful and then use Sunday (I work M-F) to clean up anything that I've left out or that has stuff to finish up. The thing is, I can't schedule these times. There's something about the spontaneity that's really important.
Organising my sock drawer would probably be a break for me. It's highly likely to be a spontaneous idea which my brain would jump at. Thank you for this eye-opener ❤️
How I feel like is when I have the opportunity to relax and have some free time, I feel that I’m forgetting something and can’t relax. I can’t choose what to do and that stresses me. And I want to do some of the things that are in my list, but at the same time I want to relax. It’s like there’s many diferent choices fighting in my head, and I end up more exhausted. It happens every night. I always feel like I’m forgettt to do self I wanted to do (look information about an specific topic, read a book, write something) and I always en up with 3 books next to me and using my phone. Same thing in my break at work.
😭this makes so much since. Sometimes well meaning people will be like here's a fun activity. Take a break and do this. I am like no that's more stress than just keeping up with my work. Also this must be why i procrastinate dishes until i feel like washing them.
The first time I ever relaxed was in October 2019. It was the first day that I started taking CBD oil. It had a massive impact on my chaotic brain. It really hit me when my friend asked, “Whatcha thinking about?” and I replied “Nothing… OH MY GOD I’M THINKING ABOUT NOTHING!!!” My brain was always going non-stop and for the first time in 40+ years, it finally wasn’t.
When I smoked pot in my teens, it was 50/50 if I'd enjoy it or if I'd get paranoid and need to get away from everyone. That was in the 90s so it probably wasn't very good gear, TBH. I'm still reluctant to try it again as I've got much worse with addiction over the years.
This makes so much sense and is probably part of why I’m so bad at going to bed on time lol I get home from work and then need a few hours to let my brain do whatever it needs to do even if it’s not what I wanted to do, then by the time I’ve recovered from the day and can actually do what I had planned to do I need to be going to bed so I either stay up hours past when I should or I go to bed frustrated with myself because I didn’t accomplish anything
thats my big gripe with school; I dont get this time, so i end up staying up late. then im tired the next day, then i get behind in school because i cant focus and the ring of terror continues. at the end of last year it got so bad that i would just shut down, but its not a break that would recharge me it would just shut down.
I've struggled to make this make sense to neurotypical people in my life, but you have harnessed some language that really helps. Thank you so much!!! Even when I'm doing something fun, with friends I love, it still feels scheduled and managed. You said it perfectly; I still need emotional regulation and masking, often to hide the panic attack looming beneath the surface (or the one I just had because I was running late). Unstructured time, where I can do what I want to do (and I sure am lucky when that ends up being "cleaning the house" but usually it's watching TV or playing a video game) is absolutely necessary for my mental health.
I call this the "ball pit". It's a safe space with no expectations, no masking, no rules, no plan. I can be napping, thinking, playing, doing a project, even doing chores on a whim and it doesn't matter because I'm free and I'm in the ball pit. My partner and I both have adhd and we work so hard to stay accountable and have some semblance of structure in our lives but it becomes hard to turn that off. Discovering the ball pit has been amazing for us.
I would love to learn more about which things are self regulation, probably very much related to masking. I feel like it's such a reflex after 40 years that it's hard to tell if I'm doing something to self regulate/mask. I feel like this applies to me, but it's too nebulous for me to grasp onto anything specific and say, "Yes! That's me, and that's a way I can choose to relax by not doing that thing."
When I started at my current job one of my trainers taught me to slow down and relax more. Now since I've been promoted and am in a leadership position, I encourage those under me to relax when needed.
You're doing really well with Dutch pronunciation :D Wanted to thank you for your channel ❤ I received my diagnosis a few weeks ago and advocated for my daughter as well (she just turned 7). She received her diagnosis today, the specialist centre could see her challenges with concentration regulation and a busy, curious mind even with her trying, masking and generally not acting very impulsive. I see her impulsivity in some other ways (luckily nothing big like risk taking or something) but in a task setting she can tune that down, apparently. I'm so happy she will get things set up at school to help her with her processing speed and working memory and stuff. And that this can help her stay confident, knowing what's up and her personality and intelligence is not to blame. ❤ Thanks so much for you videos about ADHD in girls and women. Oh and the fish song!! 💦🐟 Listening to that every day. My daughter's new class is called the Dolphins, close enough ❤🐬
My problem is I have the Inattentive version, that went untreated for the first 55 years of my life, so I constantly zone out. My greatest struggle is getting my focus on the hook/chain/whatever. Thank God for Headspace and other meditation aids.
YT is recommending me ADHD vids again, and I gotta say this one hits close It feels straight up stressful to be doing something that doesn't make "progress" on something I can't sit and do nothing, I gotta be making progress, even if it's progress on watching a show or in a game, but doing something that doesn't make any progress towards something is just a stress
Thank you❣️ This video helped me realize how great, strong, and wonderful my brain is! 👏👏👏 I was diagnosed with ADHD late in life and opted not to take medication due to (quoting) "The maturity of your coping skills." I had developed what I termed as 'active meditation' ... things others did NOT find relaxing... but when doing, or done/completed if a task, I felt refreshed. As if I was a container refilled, a thirsty plant that had received water; the hamster wheel was still turning - but the hamster had gotten off long enough to shower, hydrate, and change hair bands ... I felt better. NOW ... now I know what to call that 'activity' and am so happy that I have a good brain that's been watching out for me, using my creativity to keep me balanced, healthy and happy. Again, thank you. 🕊✌️🦋
Got my diagnosis early last year and i am still deep in my learning journey. This video is a revelation and, to a certain extent, a revolution to me. I am sitting here, watching so many puzzle pieces literally fall into place. Thank you Jessica and team!
This definitely makes a lot of sense. I do feel 2 red flags popping up when I think about putting it in practice: 1. After letting loose, when do I get back to regulating? Do I set a timer? But then my brain will still be focussed on the timer and be afraid it can't finish the thing that it wants to do. Etc. 2. You mentioned deep philisofical thoughts, I think that's what my brain tends to do as well. Only problem is, that generally turns into looking for a fight with a non-existing person or argument, or responding (in my head only) to something that someone said 3 weeks ago and getting really riled up about it. My brain might be of it's leash, but that stops being beneficial really quick. Any tips for preventing those pitfalls while going off self-reg?
I don't know if this'll work for you but I tend to 'go off leash' and not set a timer or anything, I just kind of naturally come to a stopping point. And I often do the thing you mentioned about having arguments with people in my head etc, I just let it happen and try not to judge myself, that's part of going off-leash, no judgement. I honestly still feel better for it because I know I'm not trying to solve a problem with the imagined arguments, I'm just taking a break. I hope this is useful in some way. Best of luck
That’s hard, I feel that too. I just want to daydream but it goes stressful fast and isn’t beneficial anymore. I find it helpful to just walk outside when I start. I pace when I think and it’s hard to be self aware staring the same two rooms over and over. The changing scenery as I go and natural distractions of cars driving by or other sudden sounds helps me stay in the moment and keep some control of my thought spiral but still let it happen.
Remember, with ADHD we also struggle with transitions, so it might take a while for your brain to get to the point of being "off leash", and you might need some transition time to get back to regulating. For number 1, I try take a whole day for going off-leash, but I know that might not be available for everyone. Try using external cues like "it gets dark" or "after lunch" or "when the dog begs for supper" or "when I'm done this UA-cam video", because timer-time requires executive functions to be aware of, but other more flexible cues don't.
This viewpoint struck a chord with me. I too have found that when I'm overwhelmed with the stress of regulating my whole self, I have to let go of regulating some part of myself. I aim for something that's not harmful to me or others so it ends up being something like cooking something I've been craving, or fixing something that need repair, or maintenance. Something that lets me breath a sigh of relief when I'm done.
I start projects too, but often the big thing for me is crochet. There are SO many patterns, techniques, styles of crochet, sizes of projects to choose from that in eight years of doing it I've never gotten bored or felt like there wasn't more to learn. It's a godsend of a hobby.
I relaxed once
I like that it was just 'once' 😂
I'm very proud of you. :)
Hahaha!!!! Me too and I specifically remember the experience. Everything about it. ONE TIME IN MY LIFE, THIS HAPPENED. Once.
Really?! What was it like?
I feel called out.
For me I think the lack of “off leash” non-self-regulation time also ties directly into the “revenge bedtime procrastination” phenom. I often find myself doing practically nothing or the mindless scrolling even though I am physically and mentally tired and WANT to sleep, but my brain is like “I HAVENT HAD A RUN AROUND TODAY WE MUST STAY UP”
Oh my gosh, I totally relate to this!
...Huh, was just thinking about this last night. And by last night, I mean very early this morning.
I'm in France, it's 1:00am and it's exactly what I'm doing right now...
Oh man, I've never had a conscious understanding of why I do this!!! It makes so much sense
superbly put!!!! and literally me!!!!!!🥲
This is why I generally struggle to get to bed at a "reasonable" hour - my brain hasn't had the opportunity to do what it wants for long enough, so I end up doing whatever it wants to do until it gets to the point that it has finally had enough where it can actually fall asleep. I never understood why that happened and why at just some random point while doing it I was able to just stop and go to bed - this explains it perfectly.
I actually did that recently, kids were in bed early, and my partner was pretty tired and I wasn't so once she went to bed I spent a couple hours working on my model trains, immediately felt tired once my brain was satisfied with the progress I'd made and it felt pretty good
I think this is me... 100%...
I don't think I've ever had a full night's rest for at least a few days in a row, for two decades.
I heard to make up for one night of poor sleep, you must be fully rested for at least 4 days straight. I could never hit that. Even if I'm sleepy, once 9pm or so hits suddenly I want to do EVERYTHING for hours on end.
I'll try to indulge that urge earlier on in the day somehow, and see if that helps.
Why I'm up until 2, 3, 4am every night.
This has been me for about my entire 39 year old life. I started medicine testing this winter, and I can now finally experience not feeling an intense need to stay up and do more fun stuff before the next work day.
I revert to being nocturnal when work finishes for the year. Don't know what it is. I just prefer nights.
The longer I spend in the adhd community. The less alone I feel. Anyone else feel like Jessica’s videos always come perfectly timed to their struggles?
Yes. But those videos expose the saddest parts of living with ADHD. The things that normally go unnoticed. It is definitely bittersweet for me.
Very much so. I wish I had a person this in sync with understanding locally
Sometimes you need a little nudge, to recognise your problems ✌️
Absolutely
Only because our ticks are always overlapping and highly prone to suggestion/acknowledgment.
For me it is being alone so no masking no decisions no people pleasing and I can just literally sit and stair out the window or watch a mindless show or old movie… that is my ultimate brain break! ❤
My entire 10 days holiday off work has been doing this! I felt guilty that I haven't done any major chores that I keep putting off, but I realised that I needed this potato time to re-set ❤
This is such a factor. I'd actually consider myself an extrovert, but being alone for a day, doing 0 masking and just letting the brain run wild is so important to shut down.
I don't remember writing this comment. Oh wait this isn't me. but sure sounds like me.;-)
I love doing that. Just having time to myself to zone out and revisit old stories or movies or a game that I really love. But people don't seem to get that sometimes I just really need to be by myself, and I tend to feel most relaxed when other people have gone to bed for the night.
Oh yes this is definitely me! My very extroverted boyfriend does not understand that I need some time alone away from even him.
One of my favorite relaxing activities is what I call flow cleaning. I just go through the house cleaning whatever appeals to me. Can drive my housemates NUTS, but I get little things done. Also works at work. Instead of focusing on what's urgent, I take a half day to just get what appeals to me done.
I like that term, flow cleaning! It probably looks like I'm just randomly walking around the house, but in the end things are tidy and clean. Work with your brain, not against it
This.
*toilet overflowing, ceiling high dishes in sink*
This guy: yay time to dust the canned soup 🙃
I love doing this!!!!
@@e_i_e_i_bro exactly this! 50% of the time it gives me enough happy brain chemicals to tackle the dishes/toilet/garbage/etc. Have to lure myself into doing chores like a stray cat.
My therapist once asked me when do I relax without thinking about work, things on my to do list, things I think should be on my to do list, etc. And I realized in that moment my answer was … never? I had never ACTUALLY relaxed without anything hanging over my head. It was so eye opening and that one question changed my life forever.
(that therapist referred me to an adhd specialist shortly thereafter, lol)
My therapist on the other hand was stunned when I explained to him that just doing 1 thing was stressful to me, and I can relax best when I do something with my hands AND listen to something separately
He changed tactics when a calming exercise sent me into a panic attack 😅
@@lemmetalkaboutthiswait what tactics because it also stresses me to do one thing (and meditation)
@@lilydot9745 he wanted me to do an exercise where you hold something and focus on it and your breathing, really center yourself. I told him it wasn't a good idea, but he told me to try anyway.
So I did. Sounded easy enough, I thought it wouldn't work and I'd tell him and we would move on.
However, bc of a medical issue, parts of me feel generally numb. Including half my lungs.
Combine that with the ever looming dread that said medical issue will gradually make me lose feeling in my body more and more (it also comes with a tremor), and having to focus on lungs I can't really feel - I spiraled hard into a panic attack bc I was left alone with my thoughts in silence and the feeling of not really feelings my lungs as I breathed.
He did not try to do that with me again, those focusing-exercises, is what I meant with changing tactics. We just stuck to talking and he let me show him some examples of fidgeting that help me think when I tlalk, instead of asking I stop that to really focus.
@@lemmetalkaboutthis wdym you can't feel your lungs? Are we supposed to actually FEEL them?? Or do you mean your chest? Sorry, I'm confused 😳
I'm starting to try to explain to people: 'I can listen to you BETTER if I can make notes at the same time, it's not a lack of interest, but the contrary.
Sometimes allowing myself to hyperfocus on something that I’ve been wanting to do can be really relaxing. I have kids so a lot of times I don’t allow myself to do stuff that I know I’m likely to hyperfocus on simply because I can’t afford to be unaware of what they are doing or getting into. So for me relaxing can be my husband taking the kids so I can allow myself to hyperfocus on whatever my brain wants to latch onto.
Exactly!❤❤❤
Fighting that urge is exhausting. If it's safe to let yourself indulge for a bit, it's so much mental energy you don't have to spend.
For me, it's any kind of trading card game or similar thing. I'll get lost in working out optimal strategy for hours, but my brain is trying to do that anyway and giving it a chance to do that while I'm not trying to force it back to something else is almost magical.
I'm not bored, not trying to figure out what else I need or want to do. I'm just in the moment, enjoying it
As a fellow adhd mom, I'm here with you! So glad somebody else put it into words
I have felt that same way, kinda like I’m suppressing the hyperfocus because I have to be available/aware of other things. It’s nice to take a day or just a few hours that you know you have to yourself to let it loose and allow your hyperfocus to take priority!
I have always compared my trip into hyper focus with meditation.
If I compare what other people claim to gain from meditation it is a perfect match 😊
A “break from self regulation” has become the gift I’ve given myself! My diagnosis came later in my life (74) so I’ve had decades of self monitoring, regulating, apologizing, and ruminating! It’s been so exhausting! For the past year I’ve deliberately spent less time with others, but I also cut myself some slack on the self monitoring and just accept that I’ll screw up sometimes. I’ve felt so unburdened!
Wow I'm trying to learn this now (²¹ yrs old). It's hard but worth it
No blame no Shame !Tell around when necessary you are Neuroatypic Gufted with sensitivity and creativity. Be indulgent with yourself first❤The world will follow, be confident, it's matter of time!
Amazing!
Apologizing and feeling shame. I am 52, ADHD and ey to confirm ASD. I can relax by doing watercolors, but I have a lot to think out. Colors, values, how much water, what kind of paint brush. It can take me a week of evenings to paint a 5" x 7" simple painting 😊 I enjoy the planning part, so it keeps my mind busy
"I'm going to sit how I want" hit home for me. I was once called out by my Director at an old job for swinging my swivel chair during a meeting. He said I looked like a child. This was pre-diagnosis so I was thouroughly embarrassed. Now I know its a part of who I am and am so glad I can WFH where I can pace, swirl, w/e I want!
Is not sitting normally on a chair an ADHD thing? Cus I almost never sit on a chair normally, I hate it!
Do you also ride shopping carts? I don't understand why adults don't do that more.
"sorry I enjoy my chair more than you do, sir."
Same!!! I always thought I was just picky about sitting. Sitting in chairs "normally" is PAINFUL and really does take so much energy. I need my legs up or crossed and to be able to swivel - anything else is exhausting for me.
I have witnessed this with my partner and I really think you've hit on a nuance that doesn't always get talked about. He has a lot and I mean a LOT of obligations, a very busy schedule. And recently he's been much more frustrated and quick to anger in ways he normally wouldn't, not very nice by his own admission etc, and when we've drilled down on it, it comes down to him "not being able to do what he wants when he wants to, ever". And that inability to just have time to "be him" really burns him out fast. And like you said, his "me time" isn't necessarily relaxing to most. It could be hours of hard gardening work that technically needs to be done (he does enjoy "feet in earth"). Or his usual daily gaming. But it's that ability to say nope, not going to oblige social norms and expectations, not going to answer the phone, I'm just going to do me right now is such a refresher for him. I see it and encourage it. So some of our weekends together, he's up and down every hour or two, disappears into the garden, putters around the house, and I'm like go vibe, roam, pause the movie again LOL. I know it's because he's just DONE regulating. And he needs to just let his brain do its thing.
You're understanding and acceptance of his patterns is a blessing, he's fortunate to have you in his life supporting him 👌
You sound like a good partner. If you don't have ADD/ADHD yourself but are on this vid doing some personal research just for the sake of educating yourself about what your partner deals with, please give yourself a gold star, internet cookies, and 100 points to the Hogwarts House of your choice.
Its really nice to read about you two being so open with your communication and ready to solve problems in your relationship. The compassion and empathy you've displayed for your partner in your reaction to his behaviour is really incredible and heart-warming. I hope that things improve for the both of you with your new understanding and approach!
It's so great to see a significant other really trying to understand. It's so hard to explain to people why sitting and watching a full movie with them (for example) sounds torturous, and has caused a lot of hurt feelings and conflict in previous relationships. Good for you-- your partner is a lucky guy!
I try to (gently) encourage my husband to be more like this, but he has a lot of difficulty allowing himself to be this way. He's still so often pulled between what he wants, what he thinks he's supposed to want, & what he believes NEEDS to be done😪
I like to do what I call "ADHD puttering" where I let myself just wander around the house and take care of things. Great for attending to the random projects that never pop up in priority. I've been trying to develop a habit of doing 10-20 min of this every day after I get home with my kid. Sometimes I'll let myself do it for the whole day when I don't have the spoons to decide on the project.
I do this too!
Me too!
Same! I used to call it letting my ADHD loose, but I feel like "puttering" is a much better description. It is so rewarding, because I actually feel mental relaxation and am happy with whatever I happen accomplish.
This is my recovery after my last night shift. No structure really, just putter around the house, garden or in the shed. Doing things I want to, not scheduled.
And I usually finish in the afternoon mowing the lawn then having a beer and admiring it. Most people can't understand how I look forward to that, but it is a job that is easily completed with my headphones in, listening to an audiobook. And the visual improvement gives a rush of achievement 😀
And it makes me really feel I have earned my beer🍺
@@emceeboogieboots1608 Love this! I also love doing the yard work. Given weather, sun, and other sort of chaos, it can be really hard to make plans. So I take care of the min required stuff and then pick other projects to randomly work on. Headphone on, music, randomly puttering on stuff to do depending on weather, mood, etc. So good.
My partner knows that it makes me feel really good when he listens to my rambling. He likes listening to whatever I'm focused on at the moment. But it really exhausts him, and that's okay too. He tells me to hang up and text him instead, so he can respond when he has the energy to follow my crazy thought patterns. It's so much nicer to hear someone say, "I would love to finish this later, when I can actually pay attention" vs "Are you done yet? Do you ever stop talking?"
He sounds like a keeper! ❤
This explains so much about why driving aimlessly on dirt roads doing what I call "lazy nature photography" or "ADHD-friendly nature photography" is the most effective way for me to recharge .. a big portion of that is NOT thinking, NOT making decisions and just being in the moment and letting my ADHD run wild .. which is actually very helpful with nature photography, because I see so many things that others with me miss .. it's so freeing and relaxing to not focus and let my attention lead me wherever it may .. plus, I end up with amazing photos when I get back!
You know what's odd? I have ADHD and also Aspergers. It's difficult for me each and every day to not either bore or burn myself out. I have noticed whenever I let my brain "off-leash" for my ADHD to get some stimuli I have to be careful not to do too much or else I'm going to be exhausted the next one or two days. This is probably the most frustrating aspect of having AuDHD, for me. Sometimes I feel like I cannot satisfy both sides in my life and I'm in a constant fight with myself.
I'm in the same boat, I feel this completely. It's like there's this small "habitable zone" of the optimal amount of stimulation where I'm ideally functional and productive, but it's so unbelievably small that too much of a push in either direction will throw me out of it and I'll end up either with my brain going off-leash on its own accord or sitting and idly stimming to try and get myself back into that habitable zone. the other big struggle I have is the desire and practical need for routine and/or a schedule in order to feel functional, yet the ADHD side of my brain looks at a schedule I've made for myself and says "Nah, I'm not gonna do that", so I can never stick to a routine or schedule long term and it is frustrating and exhausting 🙃
Same boat here. Not diagnosed yet but after a few anxiety and panic attacks I decided it's time to get a diagnosis because I really hate people not taking me serious when I tell them "I am tired, exhausted, at the edges of my capacity and balancing my life is like walking at the edges of a fine threaded line 🙂 I am scared of getting overwhelmed again"
I really get the constant fight with yourself.
I hear you. My ‘off-leash’ times often end up being hyper focused on some thing, and then I get burned out by that.
Walks with no one around are good. Should do more of that
I started therapy and during my intake session, she asked questions about whether my symptoms were making it difficult for me to relax. My response: What is relaxing?? I never even considered that it might be tied to my ADHD.
There me also the GUILT!
Because we live in a world that doesn’t understand uneven attention and productivity, we’re always being criticised (mostly for not having a consistent level of productivity), so when we try to Stop, in order to relax, it feel wrong and self indulgent because we ‘don’t produce enough’ in any given day so how come can we be ‘relaxing and doing nothing’ 🤷🏻♀️
I feel this! The guilt is debilitating. Snowball effect.
can’t do any more things that need to be done bc too stressed and/or too tired -> can’t stop and rest bc stressed by thinking about things that need doing but now aren’t being done and/or stressed by actual rest method(s) chosen -> can’t do enjoyable/non-reg activity bc too tired from doing things that needed doing and/or stressed by thinking about things that still need doing and aren’t being done -> can’t just too go back to doing the the things that need doing bc STILL too tired/stressed
… etc etc, ad infinitum 🫠
Oh my god, yes.
@alleysouza7200. I was given a phrase: Your rest is productive. And taking a break, whether to nap or hyperfocus on some yummy new projects, creates space for us to breathe. When we return to our day to day routine, we have the necessary energy to be productive by societal standards.
omg it's in WORDS! Yes. This!! 100% this!
And then I feel bad about not doing the things that "should" be relaxing, things I know I like, but can't do. That adds to the stress and guilt, culminating in a lack of relaxation during the small window when you have time to relax. Feels like I've wasted that window and remain stressed going into the next few days to accumulate more stress, and the cycle continues.
Another challenge, and a reason why this is not a guaranteed solution 100% of the time, is that often we need this kind of rest BEFORE we can relax like normal people, but we may STILL NEED to relax like normal people do. It's a cruel circumstance when you are too exhausted to rest; just ask my 3 and 6 year-olds.
Edit to add: I'm currently in graduate school, and what I like to do for "rest" time is allow myself to deep dive into scholarly articles about tangential subjects I encounter in classes. I spend SO MUCH TIME reading about things that won't help me with my school work, and then when I feel refreshed, I close the articles or save them for later and get back to researching stuff for class. 😅
This would explain so much. I need to keep this in mind. Thanks!
Jupp, totally this !
I love it when they're topic adjacent so that when you get back to what you actually were supposed to be studying it has surprise bonus relevance that helps you understand the other content faster
@@alrighttumbleweed4782this! ❤
I'm currently listening to the audio book Range by David Epstien and I think you should take the time to listen or read it too, as I think you'll have less guilt over the habit of researching unrelated topics.
This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I often feel guilty for doing activities when I "should" be relaxing, but if it's what my brain naturally wants to do in the moment, then it IS relaxing for me.
The days I’m most relaxed are when I just let myself wander around, start a task, drop it, switch to something else, phone a friend, watch tv, take a nap, just do anything that my brain wants to do in whatever order it wants to do it
yes
You don't realize the impact that these videos and overall your entire channel have, you are saving lives
Wow! Beautiful! Yes, exactly!
Totally agree!!!
You are so right. 10 years ago I was misdiagnosed that I didn't have ADHD. Through this channel I looked into it again because deep down I had a feeling that I do have ADHD and guess what? I finally got the diagnosis 3 weeks ago. I am so grateful! lots of love from a german brain ✨
She really is❤
Yes! I needed a word for this!!! I always just tell my fiancé, “I need to just bop around for a bit” which usually means running around the house doing random little tasks, also messing with my houseplants 😅
I do this! I call it putsing.
Yes--me too! My husband calls it puttering or my "Butters energy". I just call it a day that ends in "y"! 😂
Yes, totally me! Never put the pieces together though. Oh! Also, I just recalled this very moment about my (late) grandmother. We always referred to her as a "constant putterer". Ha! I bet you she had it too. ( miss my Gram❤)
I like this. Totally gonna use it. Thanks.
plant care day is self care day!
The problem is when you're both mentally *and* physically tired. Because there are times when I really desperately need to just sit down and relax, but that's stressful for my brain because *it* needs to be doing something and I don't have the energy to quiet that down. There are also times when I'm mentally exhausted and need quiet time due to my depression or anxiety, but my (suspected) ADHD just won't let me.
I have definitely noticed the "letting your brain off the leash" thing to help at times, though. I don't presently feel like I'm ever in control of my brain, sadly, but I do try to steer and sometimes just letting go can get me out of a rut.
so true!!! feels like the letting your brain off leash is for the moments where you haven't exausted yourself completely yet. And when you have.... oh well... I don't know there isb't much you can do. Unfortunately
If I don’t get enough sleep I usually suffer the whole day, sometimes for the week until I catch up. Accepting that I might have a different threshold for being tired or for stimulation has been a process too. I always feel like I’m behind on stuff and comparing myself to others
This post almost made me cry. Thank you for sharing about the physical exhaustion bit! I find my best outcomes for when I just don’t have energy and experiencing anxious/depression is self-soothing self massage- like there is no structure whatsoever, but I’ll just rub my temples, or lie o the ground and gentle rock side to side, rub my hands together, squeeze various parts of my hands, forearms etc…it feels good, takes very little energy and it is fidgeting which “gives back” to me.
I like to do jigsaw puzzles or puzzle books (mainly nonograms) while I watch tv or youtube. I tend to be physically tired after coming home from work. Sometimes mentally too. Doing a mentally active activity that is low stakes compared to work relaxing. It also gives me something to look forward to each night as I see how much progress I make. There's also video games, books, and knitting/crochet as other options for low energy but mentally active activities. Just set a timer for bed in case you hyper fixate.
I totally get the physical exhaustion, especially since it's often a chronic symptom for adhd in adults (ppl think the adhd went away when ppl grow up since the hyperactivity did, but no, it usually just flops in the opposite direction and gets overlooked as a symptom)
I usually put on an audio-only medium to listen to that I already know (bc that's a lot less mentally exhausting than something new, plus: music alone usually isn't enough, I prefer something with talking, sometimes just one person, or a full cast or multiple speakers, depending on how mentally exhausted I am) and do something easy and repetitive with my hands that requires very little focus.
For me that's crochet or puzzles, but some people like to doodle or colour or knit or do origami. Anything goes, really, so long as it's simple for you to do.
It satisfies the brain's need for stimuli without requiring actual proper attention, while giving your hands something to do to avoid the restlessness of being still.
Like fidgeting for your brain AND your hands, but you get to lay still and Not Have To Think for a bit
During school break this year I played a game for 15 days straight 10 hours each day. COMPLETELY let my brain off the leash, haven’t felt THAT relaxed in soooo long. But I stopped regulation too much and ended up not eating and showering properly lmao. It was worth it tho. I’d been extremely stressed with school so it was a very needed break from self-regulating
Giving myself a break looks like either a random creative project or deep introspection that has lead to trauma healing for me as well as my friends. My brain's biggest drive is knowing why (for everything), so relaxing for me often looks like a deep dive into understanding deeply complex subjects.
Taking a hot bath, while either watching a movie/tv show or listening to an audio book and not caring about how long I've been in the tub, is really relaxing to me. It's hard to relax when I feel people judge how long my bath's can be. Also doing art or crafts. What works best is just letting myself shake my leg or fidget.
Wait, so it isn't just me who loves very long baths that run into hours?
Actually, sending greetings from my bathtub! I bathe at night whenever I can, because that's the only time when I am truly left to my own devices.
True ! Me too😅
@@piotrgraniszewski8544 I thought I was the only one! Yay! People who understand long baths!🛁💕
@@amelsabri469 yay! Hear, hear! To the long bath club 😄🛁🥂
I feel this. Letting the guilt go feels impossible sometimes. I’d rather not relax sometimes just so I can not feel bad about myself. Sounds insane, right? 🤣
Tip for anyone else who also has trouble focusing on concentrating on the talking (processing the audio input) with vids, despite the visuals of human movement, it may help to put the captions on. The shifting text keeps grabbing your focus, but since it's a transcript of what she's saying (it's related to the other thing you're trying to focus on, which is what you're hearing, rather than competing with it by providing unrelated info), you can switch focus between paying attention to audio and reading the text without losing anything. Just a little something I noticed today.
🤯
❤I literally just noticed this yesterday. When I accidentally put the captions on. Worked for a while. But my desire to read the comment section, over powered. I wanted to have both running at the same time. The comments, and the video. It was a diy video about making flowers out of paper. Ask me if I made the damn flowers. No, but in my head I did. 😂😂
This is the only way I can watch a show, anyone who doesn't do this how, but yeah I go to the comments section and don't pay attention to the actual video, kinda like if I'm watching a show I go chase my cat and play with it and then go do something else cause why not? Captions def help though
I've been taking a "puppet" (really anything with a "mouth" i can open and close easily) and making it mouth the words being said. It's like doodling, but with the words that someone else is saying?
@@AroundTheBlockAgain brilliant...this...I have to try this...hopefully I don't go off on a tangent creating a whole a** back story for the puppet, and end up making a puppetshow on something completely different from what is being said. Cause it sure crossed my mind when you said anything with a mouth that can open ots mouth easily lmao...I had like 30 different characters in my head already from that alone. I pictured a sock monkey, Kermit, Ms.Piggy, lambchop 🤣
When I get to those points, I announce to myself and anyone around me, "It's an ADD Day" and let my brain take over. I put my list of thing to do away and just go where my brain takes me and I feel better at the end of the day. Relaxing is hard work!
This sounds exactly like what my husband and I have designated as "pixie dust" time. I recognized a long time ago that I need downtime, where I'm not trying to mask my ADHD for a while and can just let go. If I don't get that time, I do wind up having a complete meltdown later on. Since my husband calls me Tinker, (since I'm pretty sure Tinkerbell has ADHD, too), we started calling it "pixie dust" time and that's exactly what it is. It's time for me to let go of the self-regulation, of having to "focus" and be productive. Without that time, I reach a point where I become pretty much useless.
Tinker Bell is also what I was called by an X. Didn’t understand the childhood behavior from a 47yr old . Jealous almost
Such a helpful comment and super sweet ❤
This makes so much sense 😭 Ever since i moved out of my parents place to go to college, I spent so much time priortizing things that I "needed" to get done like assignments, chores, etc. that I kept burning out. Since I have been suppressing thr urge to do things that I "want" to do for so long that I don't even know how to let my brain off-leash 😭
When I retired, I learned letting your brain off-leash for too long isn’t a good thing, and it led me to a diagnosis. When I don’t have a specific purpose like work to force me to regulate, I work on a myriad of projects I never finish. I relax by listening to long form content preferably something I’m already familiar with and resting my eyes, or working puzzles in my head or daydreaming/brainstorming/planning on a project that interests me.
I usually like doing something relatively repetitive with my hands that requires little thinking, and then putting on an audio-only medium to keep me entertained. I just zone out for hours on end and can finally just breathe
edit: the whole "taking your brain off a leash" yes, very much that! I mostly do that in the last 3-4-ish hours of the day, but every now and then I take a full "day off".
I make sure I have no responsibilities for that day and then just do whatever I want - usually that means working on something, and I end up making a lot of progress, even if it's sometimes very scattered. It's such a relief to just follow the brain for the day, it's like a mini-vacation lol
Sitting however I want at work has been a huge relief tho, as has wiggling in my chair and singing along or commentating when I'm in HO haha
I've been applying rhinestones to cups, and it's been wonderful. Takes just enough thought to be somewhat engaging, but is still mindless enough that it's still a therapeutic activity.
@@cathy3046 that sounds wonderful! What do you do with the cups afterwards?
I usually crochet or embroider or puzzle
@@lemmetalkaboutthis so far, I've just given them as gifts to friends. If I stick with it long enough (insert laughter), maybe I'll sell them... But as for now, it's just something I enjoy doing for others - but at my own leisure. That's the hangup about selling them, I don't like the idea of feeling obligated to do it for "orders"... ya know?
OMG that first paragraph literally described "building a lego while listening to a podcast", which explains why I enjoy that so much
Enbroidery! Or tangle drawing!!
Thank you so much for this! Sometimes people harshly critizise me. They don't understand that relaxing might mean something different to me than what they would choose for themselves. Sometimes it looks like there is only one "right" way to do something and everyone else looks "broken", meaning they try to fix something in me. Thank you for reminding me that I am NOT broken :) I am wonderfully made just the way I am. (Everyone needs fixing sometimes, but not this time - hooray!)
Agreed!
Some times i sign out 2 times at my job as i am confused if i signed out or not becausei dont remember ! Doese this happen to anyone else please share your thoughts if this happens to you , do one thing twice cause you dont remember the first time ?
Take a break from relaxing I love that! This perspective is so enlightening. I sometimes criticize myself for impulsive projects but now I realize that’s my brain taking a break from “planning and executing”. Not acting according to plan from time to time is the unique way for ADHDer to recharge.
Something I've come to realize is that having a fairly regularly scheduled office job with the same hours, week in and week out, means I have a pretty predictable routine. Which is good.
But it also means that I get bored, particularly on weekends, and I am steadily learning to embrace the weekend as my time to 'go off leash' and just do whatever I want on a whim and break schedule.
Last weekend i found myself unable to relax and focus on a TV show so I ended up washing dishes 😂. Felt great
This is one of the places where I connect with maladaptive daydreaming. Daydreaming is a safe place to "go crazy" without affecting others. But then...it got too comfy to keep going there.
Maladaptive daydreaming.. there's a word for what i do 😅
This is such an interesting perspective on why it’s so hard for us to relax! I have gone to my therapist several times with this exact issue because I just never feel like I can truly give myself a break-there’s always something else I “should” be doing. I think you’re 100% correct in the need to go off-leash a bit, but the difficult part is not feeling guilt around it. Thanks for sharing this!
I think it would be worth while to do an experiment. Allow yourself, myself off leash time and track productivity following the break. I suspect it would increase.
So weird… quite literally last night my wife and I were talking about how I don’t know how to relax. She was trying to get me to watch a movie. She told me to take a shower first (because that’s a stim). Then I made it through the movie and it was actually nice, and most of the time I paid attention to the story, but some of the time I was analyzing the color grading and focal lengths of the cameras. 😂
I do that too😂
I love SPFX and SPFX make-up, lighting, foley, editing, musical composition - I love that about entertainment.
So much so, I lived in Hollywood, for a while, in my early twenties.
However, I have a very difficult time finding things I can really get into, now - and it’s rare I can sit and watch something, without doing other things, to a degree.
Though, I enjoy the aforementioned things.. I tend to stare at the actors and their facial expressions and such.. A lot of times, there are so many little things in their behavior, where even if they are known as a great actor - I see right through it, and it almost looks as though they are rehearsing to me.
Not always.
Sometimes, I find people believable; and sometimes even if they aren’t believable, I still find it entertaining.
I mean..
My favorite movie, ever, is Grandma’s Boy, for cryin’ out loud, lol.
Life lol . I can’t enjoy a movie until I’ve seen it a few times- there’s more to take in then and I can get down and analyze it.
Good job making that investment in your relationship.
I relate to this! My family knows by now that if I’m joining them for a movie a light is going to be on so I can see to sew, lol. No way could I sit through a movie without my hand sewing/quilting (this applies to any situation where I have to sit and listen, too. I’ve sewed so many quilt blocks in church. 😆).
I totally agree. My ADHD had never be a problem before grad school, but when I got in, I start having this idea that I needed to have every task scheduled, follow a structured plan, otherwise I would fail.... my ADHD, which I always managed intuitively, became this huge problem in my life, interfering with everything I wanted/needed to do... Now, after failing my qualifying exams and almost being kicked out of the program, I realized that this is not the way I want to live my life. I started allowing myself to do whatever I want with my free time, which means hyper focusing on "non-important" tasks a lot of the times and not feeling guilty about! It's been a journey, but I am finally feeling as myself and I am def feeling happier.
There’s so much out there about the importance of structure/routine for people with ADHD, it’s interesting that in some respects this could actually be actively harming some people with ADHD! It’s like we need loose or intermittent structure/routines. It’s definitely a very hard balance to figure out!
Hey Jessica, this was incredibly helpful! I’m a therapist and I primarily work with teens and their families, the majority of who are neurodivergent, I am too. ADHD tribe 🙋🏻♂️
I’ve been struggling with an ADHD eval for a client…like how to help MDs involved see what the patient is actually experiencing when the “typical ADHD symptoms” aren’t apparent in class because the patient has learned how to mask and suppress the symptoms in order to survive social settings that aren’t designed for people with neurodivergent nervous systems. Long paragraph, sorry.
I am going to include in my eval that this client becomes exhausted by the effort put into self-regulating on a daily basis, and that’s exactly what happens. I experience too. And the idea of taking a break from self-regulating was a mind blow for me. Thank you 🙏
Really helpful! Would appreciate if you share with me how you got yourself through your studies to be where you are now.., My ADHD teen will leave school and she has so much potential and understanding of neurodivergents and her brother more functional limiting and ID ..,she’s be a great pead OT or childcare teacher .. she agrees natural ability but she barely made it through senior school with us both sane .. absolutely hates sitting to learn & absorb info & retain .. will learn through experience or on the job or class discussions or videos … actudlly also naturally absorbs health topics well … It makes sense to her she could do naturopathy
Thank you for sharing this. I call these "squirrel days" because I let go of the reigns and let the squirrels in by brain have run of the place. On days like this I am just as likely to weed a flowerbed, learn about ancient philosophy, bake cookies, play a video game I already beat, or balance my checkbook.
My wife has been awesome in this and knows "squirrel days" suggestions are accepted, but odds are good nothing will be completed.
I love the thought of "squirrel days"!
Pannekoeken zijn lekker 😊
@@henrischoonderbeek3456 Yes, they are. :)
Greetings fellow Brains =D After a reasonable wait I finally got diagnosed with ADHD (and Dyslexia) last week (at 22)! I've been watching these videos for a couple of years ever since I started wondering if I'm neurodivergent. Without the wealth of knowledge on the channel that I can completely relate to I don't think I would have thought seriously about ADHD and would still be stuck not really knowing how to get support. Thank you for the amazing job you do =D
I was over 50 at diagnosis - you are lucky enough to know, now, while you are young, and can adapt your life to make the most of having one of natures wonderful super powers. Learn everything you can about to get the best out of it, and how to become a superstar.
To encourage you, I left school at 16 (hated it), have worked my way from the shop floor to fairly high up, now have a masters degree and a wonderful wife and two daughters. It was hard, but is a lot easier now I know who I really am underneath.
So make the most of it, and just be you. This channel was my go to, and I recommend it when discussing neurodivergence.
I was in my late 20s when diagnosed. I generally share my diagnoses with anyone who comments about my quarks.... I don't view it as an excuse but it is certainly a reason why somethings are nearly impossible for me to do well and somethings are extremely easy compared to most people....
@@alexlail7481 I am more guarded about my diagnosis - except where its patently obvious. And I have started to do a few stand up sessions about my ADHD and the impact on my mental health down the years.
And I agree - some tasks are just super easy. We also find the most efficient way to do almost anything.
Fixing the sprinklers in an inefficient manner is relaxing.
I got diagnosed in my 60’s. There wasn’t a concept for this in the 1960’s when I was in elementary school.
The "it's not planned" is the most important part of anything I do to relax. Sometimes it's a huge project that takes days or weeks, sometimes it's learning a new skill, sometimes it's a quick game of sudoku, sometimes it's driving to ikea just to walk around. It just has to be unplanned. If i try to relax deliberately, i can't relax. It's relaxing to just sorta... float on whatever breeze my brain wants to catch, lol.
Just started to discover the fact I likely have ADHD, and this is an excellent way of describing this.
My problem is that I don’t want to let myself relax or go “off mental leash” because there is so many better things to do. And when I have gone off leash sometimes, I end up in 50 different rabbit holes and feeling stuck…
There are times where I just impulsively say “I am cleaning my room, and I am doing it now to just decompress” and then I do it and feel absolutely wonderful afterwards.
I've never thought about relaxing in terms of taking a break from self regulating but that makes a lot of sense! A lot of times I just can't seem to find an activity that suits my current needs for relaxing. This has given me lots to think about. Thanks!
Fast paced video games make me feel so zen. When I need a break I usually turn on a game and my body gets to relax while my brain goes wild. It feels so good. It feels almost spiritual when brain and body finally find peace together, even when they are doing the exactly opposite thing
When the moves fall out of your fingers bypassing conscious thought slightly ahead of real time.....
Such a euphoria. 🎮
@@FurtiveSkeptical exactly!!!!
Bloodborne or Kingdom Hearts are my favorites for this. You just get into that groove of playing completely on instinct
It's even better when you can just cut out the story and just groove on some random achievements / trophies.
lol. I always found video games overwhelming and stressful. I used to hyper focus on building gaming PCs for friends and family that they could use. After a few years I'd got to the stage of extreme case modding and proper metal working.
I've noticed in the comments that many of you are stressed in the stories you tell and in committed relationships in those stories. I'm going to assume when young or in being young. When I was young, I had multiple friend groups that were very different, and I would bounce between them. So different that if they met, they would not get along. This gave me the variety that I needed. I did this instinctively. I did not know I had adhd. It may be helpful for those of you in committed relationships to have solid blocks of time (2-3 weeks) to do something different. Think of it like a temporary hobby then you go back to 'normal life'. Or something similar that is suitable for how you live. Something else to consider, I noticed I needed extra time with people or otherwise. For example, if hadn't seen a friend for some time I would need to spend a couple of days with them. Otherwise, I was agitated like I didn't get enough time to absorb the experience. It was the feeling like missing a loved one.
I totally had many different friend groups in high school and basically every day I’d have my lunch with a different group. I needed that freshness, too.
It’s interesting to think about if / how I apply that in my life now.
Amen... for me atleast to 'sit still and relax' is generally torture. But to go off leash and do whatever is typically relaxing. I also suspect that I am on the autism spectrum, but it could be masking. Typically interacting with random people is very draining and even occasionally a few that i know are taxing, but with the right person and topic my mouth can operate for hours.
This makes a lot of sense. This might be also why hyperfocus feels relaxing even when it's some skilled work, you're just doing exactly what you want and not doing anything else or caring about anything else
Often when everything gets too much for me, I just lie down on the couch doing nothing. It helps me grasp whatever needs to be done or just pauses my mind for long enough that something that I want to do seems worth doing now. Also it makes it easier to transition to a new task. Who could have known having "no expectation time" could be liberating 😊
Thank you for this reframe. It is helpful as I recall getting shamed for being a “workaholic”.
I frustrated people because I’m often productive in my downtime and they get “worried” that I don’t give myself a break but it feels good to get to do the things that I often put off so that I can do what I’m supposed to do.
Now I recognize that it is my way of relaxing. That feels better.
Yeah! The workaholic thing can be
good for us too! Thanks for putting this in words.
I am so glad that someone understands how difficult it is with ADHD. I spend a lot of time trying to fit in to the neurotypical world and when I "Act Up" people think it is because I am not on my meds. It isn't because I haven't taken my meds for a while, although that is sometimes the case, my brain just broke free and the rest of me ran with it. I do intentionally let my brain go once in a while and just follow along and enjoy the ride. Sometimes this is putting on the headphones and blasting music and sometimes it's Computer games. Sometimes it is writing a paper or reading a book. Where ever my brain goes, it goes.
You just put into words something I’ve struggled with for about 38 years! Thank you! It’s eye-opening. “Trying to relax” can be super exhausting and frustrating for me. So glad to know there is a reason and that I can give myself permission to relax in my own way. This is a very validating video. Thank you!
This is so true. I can't relax. My brain is constantly thinking of things I should be doing. I never knew this was ADHD, but it makes sense. There are things I'm still learning that are symptoms of ADHD. It's always good to hear that you're not alone.
Great video, as usual 😊
I just turned 33, and I just started watching your videos. I haven't been officially diagnosed with adhd but your content resonates with my daily life and I feel like I should go and get tested. My issue is I keep putting it off and I feel like this evidence in itself that I might be adhd.
F**k. I'm 35 years old and I've beaten myself close to a burnout more then once in my life.
This little peace of advice offers me a completely new perspective on how to work with myself and on how to treat myself better.
Thank you so much!
I completely agree with this! A couple weeks ago I had an intentional day off work, while scrolling pinterest I saw this woven piece of art which led me down a rabbithole of how to make your own loom out of cardboard and making one. I felt great and rested by the end of the day.
I think framing it like this (letting go of self-regulating) will help allowing myself more of these days or moments.
I've only recently learned this! I'm 37, found out I have ADHD last year, and recently went back to school where I have to "focus" while also having a full-time job and being a single mom. I was really struggling after two semesters and figured out it was really about having time to just let my thoughts wander. Daydreaming really helps.
Huge respect to you for managing that!!
My heart jumped a little when i saw you are learning dutch. ❤ Dankjewel voor alles wat je doet!
So glad this video popped up on my feed. I have just been diagnosed with ADHD at 33 years old, and one of the key things that brought ADHD to my attention was the fact that I could never "relax properly". Everything you explained in this video resonated with me SO HARD and I'm really excited to learn how to relax in my own way and take a break from self-regulating. Thank you so so much.
Omg thank you for putting this into words! I feel like I knew this intuitively (I'd often phrase it as "needing unstructured time") but somehow I'd never connected the dots that it's specifically a self-regulation thing, but it totally is! I also think this is one of the reasons I tend to feel really energized after hanging out with my ADHD friends. We don't feel the need to mask around each other, which means a lot less energy spent on self-regulation.
For me, time spent not self-regulating can look a couple ways: either spending a lot of time on a single fun thing (not having to regulate myself by sticking to a schedule to make time for productivity), or bouncing around between activities and just letting my interest go where it will (not trying to regulate my focus)
Very validating. I struggle to relax, even when I am doing something "relaxing". Thank you for defining what it really means for people with ADHD - taking a break from self-regulating.
Just reading the title...I feel this...my Brain usually just won't stop.
♥♥♥I agree that the whole anti-chasing dopamine agenda isn't always helpful. I find spending some time every day just looking for vintage toys unhinged is one of the most relaxing activities I do. And when I look at my to-do list I still have often accomplished much. But unstructured play is so much more rewarding and relaxing then structured one and I don't want to be without it.
I like this. I’ve been calling it “feeling trapped,” but thinking of it as “self regulation” is more accurate (and sounds nicer!) You are spot on - self-reg can be utterly exhausting - even just in the anticipation. I like your ideas!
Just wanted to say that as a Dutch ADHDer I love your channel! And fun to see you're trying to learn my native language. Thank you so much for your amazing videos😊
but it's friet not patat
Wow yeah, well said. Just yesterday I was having fun deep cleaning some random hidden area of my oven and thinking “why am I not relaxing?”.
One thing: even when I reframe specifically social media scrolling, it still ends up with a lot of harmful consequences (mostly I get stuck scrolling and feel worse). I feel like when I need a break, I don’t have the resources to always figure out something I want to do. I’ve tried like planning fun breaks (origami, fun new art style, netflix & laundry), but haven’t yet hit the nail on the head.
When I was at uni, after a long day of studying and writing, I loved to sit down with a mindless piece of reading. Super relaxing ❤
I even found it relaxing learning about something that didn't pertain to my degree. Took a Philosophy class just to help question WHY I question everything. During this time, I found out my Oldest Son (has ADHD too) was watching a UA-cam series about Philosophy. We had some of the most wonderful conversations!
When I was a University, there was no chance ever to relax homework in class from sun up to sundown, and then some
I've started bird watching as a way to "relax" which many have said it would be to boring, but I get to play where's Waldo with birds, get distracted by the littlest movement/sound, physically moving my body, and exercise my brain in memorization of bird types and their calls
Shout out to Lesly the Bird Nerd for getting me into bird watching
Hi so excited finally getting my first meds delivered tomorrow it has been along 6 months since my diagnosis. A big thank you for keeping me going during the whole process. I was told by friends I might have ADHD who are also diagnosed, and then I watched one of your videos and it was like hearing myself. I am 49 yrs old and have struggled my whole life even to the point of taking 3 overdoses but I am a lot better now and cried with relief when finally diagnosed. Keep going you are helping a lot of people worldwide speak again my fellow brain lots of love and respect from Simon in the UK
This is so great. I am a teacher and I love developing cool activities for class but my partner will tell me I should relax outside work hours. I'm like, this is my relaxation! A good guideline for that I guess is that if it doesn't get finished, is it a problem? If not, then it's perfectly fine to do it as a fun side project.
When I was in my senior year of undergrad, I would relax by doing my Differential Equations homework. This explains why I found it relaxing when a lot of typical relaxation stuff didn't do anything for me, and I think it will help me figure out how to actually take a break moving forward. ❤
I used to hyper fixate on my homework a lot. Solving problems and note taking was oddly satisfying for me to the point I would sometimes get a little ahead. Great for the classes that caught my attention but others that didn't were so hard to not fall asleep trying to do homework/study.
Math supposedly uses the opposite part of the brain of where it creates stress, so counting is often utilised by calming exercises. I wonder if math or numbers-related stuff is just relaxing in general in that way for us 🤔
I totally relax when I do crochet and can focus on counting stitches, same with embroidery
I really appreciate how u are able to put these complex situations into words. Its already hard enough to deal with ADHD. Not being able to explain why im struggling makes it even worse. Thank u so much for ur work. U are really changing lives for the better
Hey Jess. Yes. Yes yes yes. Just be yourself, unapologetically. No one should apologise for who they are or be misunderstood for who they are.
This explains why I gravitate towards Netflix when I'm tired and overstimulated. It's not dopamine chasing. It's the ONE AND ONLY activity that doesn't require me to self-regulate in any way.
Just last week, I sat down and went down a few hour rabbit hole learning about particle physics. I was so relaxed afterwards
How did you know I so needed this today? Great points.
My self reg is spending time in nature, especially with my dog. Going for a walk like we did tonight through the dark woods, watching nature's fireworks (lightening bugs!) was heaven after a stressful day. Taking care of my plants, feeding the birds, watching the birds... I love it. One day, when I have time to devote to it and truly relax, I really want to get back into drawing and painting too.
I love going for walks too! Yay, I figured out one thing I like to do to relax lol. I had no other ideas.
I 100% feel you on this, I've been feeling like this for years now and it's been driving me nuts. The ONLY time I have ever felt 100% relaxed was while in the arms of a partner. That or a few moments after my heart settles when they have laid their hand on my chest realizing I'm having a morning panic attack. Not even meditation has ever been able to release my thoughts and the tension I get across my entire body like a warm embrace!
I never realize how tense I am on a daily basis until someone gives me a hug lol I almost started balling on a friend last year cause we cuddled to watch a movie and before the movie even started the feeling of absolute bliss as my body actually relaxed for this first time since lockdown was just to much... I was so embarrassed
Omg this totally explains why i am so productive when I do what I call "side-questing". I get so much done by moving around cleaning whatever comes to mind.
"side questing" is such a great word for it!
I find that setting is truly important as well. It's finding different places that put you into different mindsets than just work and home. The gym, biking, the library, the park, and socializing with various groups actually makes me feel like I'm diversifying my daily experiences to balance & find new ways to destress.
Totally relate to this! Thank you for the phrase, 'letting our brains off leash,' that really works for me. Usually on Saturdays I have a day where I let my brain do what it wants. I try to check back about late afternoon to see what I need to have the rest of the day feel successful and then use Sunday (I work M-F) to clean up anything that I've left out or that has stuff to finish up. The thing is, I can't schedule these times. There's something about the spontaneity that's really important.
Organising my sock drawer would probably be a break for me.
It's highly likely to be a spontaneous idea which my brain would jump at.
Thank you for this eye-opener ❤️
Lately it has been pretty hard to relax, I’m constantly worrying about everything, didn’t know ADHD could make it worse 😕
How I feel like is when I have the opportunity to relax and have some free time, I feel that I’m forgetting something and can’t relax. I can’t choose what to do and that stresses me. And I want to do some of the things that are in my list, but at the same time I want to relax. It’s like there’s many diferent choices fighting in my head, and I end up more exhausted.
It happens every night. I always feel like I’m forgettt to do self I wanted to do (look information about an specific topic, read a book, write something) and I always en up with 3 books next to me and using my phone.
Same thing in my break at work.
😭this makes so much since. Sometimes well meaning people will be like here's a fun activity. Take a break and do this. I am like no that's more stress than just keeping up with my work. Also this must be why i procrastinate dishes until i feel like washing them.
The first time I ever relaxed was in October 2019.
It was the first day that I started taking CBD oil. It had a massive impact on my chaotic brain.
It really hit me when my friend asked,
“Whatcha thinking about?” and I replied “Nothing… OH MY GOD I’M THINKING ABOUT NOTHING!!!”
My brain was always going non-stop and for the first time in 40+ years, it finally wasn’t.
@@thehighpriestess8431take a pen and start writing what’s ok your mind, follow thoughts and ideas get it out until you reach end of thaught
nope, no thanks.
@@shawnholbrook7278 Why not? Just curious.
That sounds amazing=)
When I smoked pot in my teens, it was 50/50 if I'd enjoy it or if I'd get paranoid and need to get away from everyone. That was in the 90s so it probably wasn't very good gear, TBH.
I'm still reluctant to try it again as I've got much worse with addiction over the years.
This makes so much sense and is probably part of why I’m so bad at going to bed on time lol I get home from work and then need a few hours to let my brain do whatever it needs to do even if it’s not what I wanted to do, then by the time I’ve recovered from the day and can actually do what I had planned to do I need to be going to bed so I either stay up hours past when I should or I go to bed frustrated with myself because I didn’t accomplish anything
Completely hear you and live this daily too!!
thats my big gripe with school; I dont get this time, so i end up staying up late. then im tired the next day, then i get behind in school because i cant focus and the ring of terror continues. at the end of last year it got so bad that i would just shut down, but its not a break that would recharge me it would just shut down.
I've struggled to make this make sense to neurotypical people in my life, but you have harnessed some language that really helps. Thank you so much!!!
Even when I'm doing something fun, with friends I love, it still feels scheduled and managed. You said it perfectly; I still need emotional regulation and masking, often to hide the panic attack looming beneath the surface (or the one I just had because I was running late). Unstructured time, where I can do what I want to do (and I sure am lucky when that ends up being "cleaning the house" but usually it's watching TV or playing a video game) is absolutely necessary for my mental health.
I call this the "ball pit". It's a safe space with no expectations, no masking, no rules, no plan. I can be napping, thinking, playing, doing a project, even doing chores on a whim and it doesn't matter because I'm free and I'm in the ball pit. My partner and I both have adhd and we work so hard to stay accountable and have some semblance of structure in our lives but it becomes hard to turn that off. Discovering the ball pit has been amazing for us.
I would love to learn more about which things are self regulation, probably very much related to masking. I feel like it's such a reflex after 40 years that it's hard to tell if I'm doing something to self regulate/mask. I feel like this applies to me, but it's too nebulous for me to grasp onto anything specific and say, "Yes! That's me, and that's a way I can choose to relax by not doing that thing."
When I started at my current job one of my trainers taught me to slow down and relax more. Now since I've been promoted and am in a leadership position, I encourage those under me to relax when needed.
You're doing really well with Dutch pronunciation :D
Wanted to thank you for your channel ❤ I received my diagnosis a few weeks ago and advocated for my daughter as well (she just turned 7). She received her diagnosis today, the specialist centre could see her challenges with concentration regulation and a busy, curious mind even with her trying, masking and generally not acting very impulsive. I see her impulsivity in some other ways (luckily nothing big like risk taking or something) but in a task setting she can tune that down, apparently. I'm so happy she will get things set up at school to help her with her processing speed and working memory and stuff. And that this can help her stay confident, knowing what's up and her personality and intelligence is not to blame. ❤ Thanks so much for you videos about ADHD in girls and women. Oh and the fish song!! 💦🐟
Listening to that every day. My daughter's new class is called the Dolphins, close enough ❤🐬
My problem is I have the Inattentive version, that went untreated for the first 55 years of my life, so I constantly zone out. My greatest struggle is getting my focus on the hook/chain/whatever. Thank God for Headspace and other meditation aids.
YT is recommending me ADHD vids again, and I gotta say this one hits close
It feels straight up stressful to be doing something that doesn't make "progress" on something
I can't sit and do nothing, I gotta be making progress, even if it's progress on watching a show or in a game, but doing something that doesn't make any progress towards something is just a stress
Thank you❣️
This video helped me realize how great, strong, and wonderful my brain is! 👏👏👏
I was diagnosed with ADHD late in life and opted not to take medication due to (quoting) "The maturity of your coping skills."
I had developed what I termed as 'active meditation' ... things others did NOT find relaxing... but when doing, or done/completed if a task, I felt refreshed. As if I was a container refilled, a thirsty plant that had received water; the hamster wheel was still turning - but the hamster had gotten off long enough to shower, hydrate, and change hair bands ... I felt better.
NOW ... now I know what to call that 'activity' and am so happy that I have a good brain that's been watching out for me, using my creativity to keep me balanced, healthy and happy.
Again, thank you. 🕊✌️🦋
This brought tears to my eyes. I relate sooo hard! And, I really appreciate everyone’s comments!
Got my diagnosis early last year and i am still deep in my learning journey. This video is a revelation and, to a certain extent, a revolution to me. I am sitting here, watching so many puzzle pieces literally fall into place.
Thank you Jessica and team!
This definitely makes a lot of sense. I do feel 2 red flags popping up when I think about putting it in practice:
1. After letting loose, when do I get back to regulating? Do I set a timer? But then my brain will still be focussed on the timer and be afraid it can't finish the thing that it wants to do. Etc.
2. You mentioned deep philisofical thoughts, I think that's what my brain tends to do as well. Only problem is, that generally turns into looking for a fight with a non-existing person or argument, or responding (in my head only) to something that someone said 3 weeks ago and getting really riled up about it. My brain might be of it's leash, but that stops being beneficial really quick.
Any tips for preventing those pitfalls while going off self-reg?
I don't know if this'll work for you but I tend to 'go off leash' and not set a timer or anything, I just kind of naturally come to a stopping point. And I often do the thing you mentioned about having arguments with people in my head etc, I just let it happen and try not to judge myself, that's part of going off-leash, no judgement. I honestly still feel better for it because I know I'm not trying to solve a problem with the imagined arguments, I'm just taking a break. I hope this is useful in some way. Best of luck
That’s hard, I feel that too. I just want to daydream but it goes stressful fast and isn’t beneficial anymore. I find it helpful to just walk outside when I start. I pace when I think and it’s hard to be self aware staring the same two rooms over and over. The changing scenery as I go and natural distractions of cars driving by or other sudden sounds helps me stay in the moment and keep some control of my thought spiral but still let it happen.
Remember, with ADHD we also struggle with transitions, so it might take a while for your brain to get to the point of being "off leash", and you might need some transition time to get back to regulating. For number 1, I try take a whole day for going off-leash, but I know that might not be available for everyone. Try using external cues like "it gets dark" or "after lunch" or "when the dog begs for supper" or "when I'm done this UA-cam video", because timer-time requires executive functions to be aware of, but other more flexible cues don't.
Vipassana meditation, to get the bitterness out.
This viewpoint struck a chord with me. I too have found that when I'm overwhelmed with the stress of regulating my whole self, I have to let go of regulating some part of myself. I aim for something that's not harmful to me or others so it ends up being something like cooking something I've been craving, or fixing something that need repair, or maintenance. Something that lets me breath a sigh of relief when I'm done.
I start projects too, but often the big thing for me is crochet. There are SO many patterns, techniques, styles of crochet, sizes of projects to choose from that in eight years of doing it I've never gotten bored or felt like there wasn't more to learn. It's a godsend of a hobby.