Yup. And sometimes we put them on pedestals to justify us not feeling good enough and having to look up to them. Sometimes we project our value on them. They sense us and confirm our bias, undervaluing us.
If you treat them like stars, they will always treat you like fans. Treat them like equals and they will do the same, regardless of their social status, wealth, seemingly popularity because they are good at one area only.
definitely. i wanted to give a chance to a girl who i didn t feel extreme emotions but after seeing her putting effort, i also put effort and unfortunately opened myself fully up, showed my love and it turbed out that she has avoidant attachment style and becoming unsure, so i stayed with my emotional damage and had to learn again that i have to treat tjem at least at the beginning as equal and avoid too much emotions
definitely. i wanted to give a chance to a girl who i didn t feel extreme emotions but after seeing her putting effort, i also put effort and unfortunately opened myself fully up, showed my love and it turbed out that she has avoidant attachment style and becoming unsure, so i stayed with my emotional damage and had to learn again that i have to treat tjem at least at the beginning as equal and avoid too much emotions
Sometimes men come off emotionally available at the beginning but it’s not until weeks or even months in you notice behaviors that signal avoidant attachment wounds. So it’s not always a lack of self trust. And when the behaviors begin your instincts kick in. It’s important to trust those instincts.
I just had a heartbreak from an avoidant who dumped me all of sudden while giving me the honeymoon phase. You are right I did feel something is off while everything seems going great. I will certainly learn to trust my instincts next time. Don't fall for the superficial level "paradise" they made up.
Your wife is very lucky to have you as you’re faithful, smart, honest and trustworthy guy, and I’m sure you’re lucky to have her as well, all the best to you❤❤❤❤
I just love how Matthew Hussey breaks things down. Clear, honest, direct & even more: a visible progression from the earlier YT videos. You are hitting subjects that are hitting more deeply: self-awareness/growth, subsconscious patterns, becoming aware of red flags (narcissism), etc....very nice evolution Matthew. Thank you for your sound advice & keeping up the good work for so long. We are listening & we appreciate you!
People who repeat this pattern should look into how their parents raised them. Most likely one or both of their parents were also emotionally unavailable. If this rings true, then it’s good idea to see a psychologist to uncover unconscious patterns. Most insurance cover these visits w a copay.
@@Audrey-k2h I think that's unreasonable, I don't think emotionally unavailable men want to be that way. I certainly don't, but yes work needs to be done on it
But usually the "emotionally unavaliable person" show themselvs as avaliable at first. So how this situation works? We unconsciously "sense" the person is unavaliable and fall for them?
Exactly. 3 months of perfect chemistry, connection, and conversation, then...caught him on a date with his ex. When I asked him about it, I got the "I'm just not emotionally available" speech. It's just an excuse.
It sounds stupid but time will tell. Nobody can keep this longer as 6 months. Only so you can see the real person, probably a year. But in that time you can see their afford. Is it equal from both sides?
No, I think what he is trying to say is we are falling too much for how others perceive them that we overlook the small hints about them being emotionally unavailable or we avoid/forget to have the right conversations that will make us spot an emotionally unavailable person
Great teaching, you touch upon many life & philosophical principles. Fear stops you from taking risks, leads to a boring life. Don't be afraid to fail or make mistakes ,no one's opinion matter more than yours for yourself
Can you do a video specifically on self-trust and on learning how to trust oneself again? Great key points in this video, by the way! Really helpful...
Let’s not forget that the overwhelming majority of single men are single because they tend to be emotionally unavailable. Dating in early to late middle age will absolutely be difficult for this reason. I don’t question the advice for Matthew, it is very sound but it’s also a game.
Emotionally unavailable, selfish, insecure, immature... Too arrogant to acknowledge they have issues & therefore need to make an effort to change, ie seek counseling & address the root cause. They tend to blame everyone else & pretend they prefer independence, while hurting others in the process. Life is not a "game" if one has a moral conscience, human decency.
My 1st comment disappeared for some reason. Idk if you meant life/dating or M's advice is a "game." Nobody should see relationships that way if they have a moral conscience & common decency. Treat others as you would have them treat you (attn: NOT as they treat you or how you assume they'll treat you). Basically, don't be an A$$. Do you want honesty, trust, understanding, kindness & respect? Then BE those things. Do you want real, unconditional love - someone who appreciates you as a human being, good & bad, who faces issues w/ healthy & mature solution-oriented communication? If so, you cannot let selfishness, insecurity, fear of intimacy or rejection, ego & pride, need to be "right" & in control, nor selfish pleasure (hookups, womanizing, casual sex - temp yet ineffective attempt at happiness, pot. reckless & emotionally hurtful btw) dominate your thoughts & behavior. You'll get old and/or sick & wonder why you're alone w/o anyone to help or care. You can be married to your job but not forever, and then what!? Defense mechanisms & toxic reactions only push people away & don't bring true happiness. Avoidants, Narcissists, & emotionally unavailable people don't seem to know or remember the above, nor care that they cause psychological/emotional damage to the ones they say they love & string along (HOW is that productive for either of us!??) Even if/when we've dealt w/ the abu$€ & neg!¢t we can't get back the YEARS wasted w/ them. So now I happen to be 50+ & never married, no children. My good character was taken advantage of... and no one is better off, just older. Whoever has any of those toxic traits - get counseling & work on yourself before you ruin any more otherwise healthy & secure people!
Here's the not so weird reason: there are more (much more) unavailable people. So some poor sod is bound to end up with an unavailable person, or half-unavailable which is enough to make the more secure one unhappy. Also, newsflash, most men are avoidant, so straight women are battling insurmountable odds. I've finally become more secure and available after many years of therapy for my utterly horrendous childhood and I am going from situationship to situationship because most men who are in their 30s and still single are that for a reason - but NOT working on themselves (that would be the dream). So now that I am the one who leaves when it's not working out, I have strings of beginnings, leaving when their unavailability becomes clear. I don't need mpre therapy. I need a man who has done his fair share of therapy. Period.
🎯💯❤️ Totally agree, me too!!! I am the secure & healthy one in my relationships & I even make a good counselor, but people tend to be so egocentric & selfish these days. I don't have impossible standards, yet I think every time I deal w/ a breakup after years of patience & effort the bar is raised. Definitely learning not to tolerate & settle for things bc people don't change. *Even if they do (bc of meds or healthy choices), it's usually temporary. Their loss!
I've been dating men in their 40s and it's the same. Just recently had this discussion with a friend: women go to therapy way more than men do, so we end up secure and healed, but can't find a guy who is the same or is at least doing the work. Sad story :')
Matching effort/interest/care/respect and knowing own boundaries/values and you NOT okay with chasing and playing a role in someone else's life to 'serve' them.
‘Matthew! You are such a gem🙌🏻 “Being aggressive about living..” actions of any size. learning to acknowledge small wins and open to more. Learning to avoid people telling me what,how,who I should be. Learning that I can trust myself, cherish my choices, getting to another stage of life. ‘Waiting for certainty…”. This is really resonating. I tell my therapist about you!❤
Thank you Matthew! Going to go back to basics… It applies in all areas of life. What do I value? What do I like? Enjoy? Make a list (on paper!) and start with the basics. You’ve taught me that!
Your description of this woman is talking about me to a T. This is so frustrating. I’m at the end of my rope where attracting men who are totally wrong for me is concerned. Thanks for your video.
Super helpful! Married a person with high narcissistic characteristics and I have gone to this place of doubting myself. I have found myself asking friends what they think. Ok, I will on occasion when needed. Yes, I can trust myself and have learned so much from mistakes that I have made!!
I decided to go off the websites enjoy activities I like and if someone right will show up they will love the effort I make and how independent and strong I am and will respect me for this not take an advantage. You will know because you will not question if they like you or not once, they will let you know by words and actions. ❤Good luck guys
Dued to the fact that I don't have real friends who know me so well, I tend to keep my intimite relationships life hidden. The only times when I discuss about it with a friend I've noticed the projection. You're absolutely right. So I prefer makes mistakes by myself 😅
Man, one of the most important things I'm realizing is that we can't let another person have that power over us. Yes it hurts, but reframing our story so that we don't get trapped in the mindset of "this always happens to me" or "I'm such an idiot for falling for them" is necessary for our internal peace, which should be more important than the people who walk into our lives.
@@BugDrivenExplorer absolutely right and never should someone feel like they should put all their eggs in one basket, putting that someone high upon a pedestal, and instead get priorities straight in realising that you’re the most important person and taking that energy back.
This is really wholesome and great advice. It is a return to the genuine world. When people said what they meant. When peoples words was their word. It’s a push towards that. Because ultimately that’s what love is, … to be accepted for who we are! ❤love this. Love you bro! Thanks for the video Matthew
I have a problem with attracting dudes who have issues. Narcissists, emotionally broken men unable to have mature adult relationships. I am 49 years old and have trouble attracting good, mature and responsible men. I have a good life and a rewarding career. I’m missing something…..😣
It’s the man YOU choose… they’re not coming to you randomly YOU CHOOSE TO LIKE THEM because you have issues with yourself. 49 years old & don’t know how this works I’m sorry that’s really hard
@@andrewvandekamp8056 that's totally not true. not in my case for sure. narcissists, avoidants, etc. approach me, not the other way around. and i have to constantly have to dodge them. there is scarsity of good men. i never ever rejected a man for being decent, while i constantly have to block people for shitty behaviour like first pretending to be super-invested and then showing me they dont give a fuck about me. most of them have audacity to for example return after year of ghosting me as if nothing happened. i block them asp. its not my fault there is scarsity of good men.
@@alicjaalvena1120 it’s not your fault man behave that way, but who we are attracted to & who are attracted to us says a lot it’s complicated to explain in English
@@alicjaalvena1120I can totally relate! 🎯💯 It's like they have a sixth sense or something. Could just be they luck out bc kind, empathic women tend to see good qualities & understand/forgive flaws or mistakes more readily, not that we don't have standards. I can spot a player easily but narcissists & avoidants typically mask their neg traits & some are quite charismatic & clever (if they actually plan it that way). One hid it til the 3rd yr into our relationship! I'd known him for 8-9 yrs as a friend (never romantic) in college & later long distance. He pursued me via phone & traveling (6+ hrs) & all seemed honest & legit... Like it was meant to be - great timing, both available & also involved a few job offers where he lived (landed myself but wouldn't have looked w/o his suggestion). I moved to advance my career & be w/ him. It worked til he changed like Jeckyll & Hyde. Total narcissist abu$e! NPD wasn't studied or talked about much then but he fit the profile so I left. Last relationship was 5-6 yrs w/ a guy I've known 25+ yrs. Good guy whom everyone likes, honest, loyal, yet emotionally unavailable Avoidant type (in hindsight, if only I'd known!). Thought he was shy at first or just the quiet type. Then he realized medical issue, got on meds & things improved. We got closer & he seemed happier, more open & loving, communication better or I wouldn't have stayed so long... But eventually old patterns of distance & neglect repeated. Meds may have again been a factor, yet it seems no matter how much he loves me or wants a connection, he is incapable & uninterested in healing the cause. Never got over trust issues from his divorce 15+ years ago.🤯 To the previous reply: We don't CHOOSE to be w/ people who hurt us & waste time! We invest our time to get to know each other, stay when it works, then try to work on it when things happen bc they do w/ EVERYONE, all relationships, and when it doesn't we realize that we're putting in all or most of the effort. People w/ unresolved baggage or psychological disorders tend not to face things realistically & are sometimes toxic - they don't share this upfront, esp if they're unaware of the problem! And just bc someone doesn't dismiss a person the second they reveal a minor flaw doesn't mean something is wrong w/ them, it means they have character & depth.
This video is incredibly helpful and heart healing!! I love "There is no such thing as an ultimate right decision". This is one of your best talks. Thank you so much!!
Matthew's advice and perspective are 10/10. I always glean something from these episodes and it has absolutely helped me learn who to prioritize in dating.
I’ve been watching your videos for a while and you’ve helped me feel ready to receive my person. Can you make a video on what to do once you get into your new relationship? How to make it last. Things not to do.
Just ended a 4 month relationship with someone who I now see was emotionally unavailable and avoidant. Not many texts and the texts were bland/made me feel disconnected. We enjoyed physical intamacy (not just sex) but we never really had emotional closeness. Anytime Id ask about deeper feelings and thoughts Id get a brief, brushed off answer. It also made me not want to open up as I wasnt sure how it would be perceived. On paper this person was great, had the same life goals and lifestyle but there just wasnt a strong connection. I was hopefull that we would bond more as time went on but really we just weren't a good fit. I need to focus more on "how i feel right now with this person" rather than "how this could turn out".
I guess this video is my NEED right now. It was like a "PUSH" button. I hope I can make a comment here in October that I'm in Switzerland and get back to Turkey and maybe have my beautiful relationship that I destroyed with my weaknesses and not find myself deserved to be well treated. Matthew, I just wanted to say "Thank you". Those videos helped me a lot in my depression era in the last quarter of 2023. I believe that I can achieve my vision board that I hold in my room. God bless you and your beautiful wife.❤ Many many thanks from Turkey.
This was a seriously euphoric epiphany moment. It was like everything suddenly made sense. I have followed you for quite a while and read your new book love life several times too. However this podcast was the one that made me feel like I had found the most significant part of my own jigsaw. It left me feeling enlightened and far more empowered than I have ever felt. Thank you ❤❤❤
Today I had a spectacular experience in the train, while I was reading Matthew's book. I was lucky to get a seat next to a really handsome guy. I said nicely hello and started reading, thinking of how to start a conversation, he seemed really interesting. After one station he started talking to me, at first very politely but then we got into a very nice and open conversation. We live in the same town and he asked me for my number 🎉😊 He also mentioned the book, so it seems he catched sight of the content... maybe it made him brave enough to start talking?
@@jn-ns6bv Yes, I took it as a challenge, trying to apply some of the tools Matthew teaches, even though I can only do it in my shy and careful way. But anyway, it worked!!! At least the first step is made, let‘s see how it continues. We are in touch since that train ride. And even if it would not go anywhere, at least it has given me some encouragement to stay open to new encounters…🙃
As always, your advice comes at a great time for me. Thank you for all this. I tend to put too much pressure on myself regarding wrong decisions or mistakes, and it isn't that deep. It's a relief to think about it as a way to find out faster and clearer if something can work out or not
There are so many of them, it is hard to find secure, emotionally available anyone. Many relationship experts have said that at least 50% of single people are emotionally unavailable and insecure, probably more than that. How are we supposed to find secure people like themselves?
The problem isn't finding someone who's emotionally available. The problem is being subconsciously attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, especially if that's who you keep ending up with. Then when you meet someone who is emotinally available and choosing you, it feels weird and you're not attracted to it. Fix yourself to fix the problem.
YES!!!! I am in TONS of healing groups, 90% are women!!! Most women don't need another video or poscast or therapy hour. They need a man who works on his issues!!!
@@dr.florenceBecause.. We are not emotional to ran thru damaged souls.. Only a ran thru damaged soul will connect with a ran thru damaged souls.. You cant find the “good” guys (6ft+ Athletic Genius Virgin Nice Competent) because they ARE not looking for you.. Have awareness.. You get fucked, he leaves u and u want respect? Get out.. Should’ve had more respect for yourself.. The best you can do now is get cats and make a bunch of money.. Cause thats where its headin..
@@beautifullybliss I disagree completely.. This is the cold hard truth, lol.. Im not one of those guys that advocate for men too sleep around either.. It goes both ways.. Who u have sex with is a physical manifestation of what you are willing to sell yourself for… You exchange demons and burdens with penetration.. Ppl need to realize this.. And understand this is why they are linked to shitty ppl..
@@beautifullybliss I disagree… You tie your soul to those you have sex with.. You exchange burdens, demons and angels on an inter dimensional level.. That’s why if you sleep with a man whore, you become tainted.. And if I sleep with a Succubus, I too will be tainted.. Its common sense really, and dont delete my comment again @beta dude that made this video… im screenshottin it this time bud..
I attract all kinds of people but somehow I only get interested in the emotional unavailable ones. Someone once told me I’m emotional unavailable myself. Not sure if that’s the case, I really want to make a meaningful and emotional connection.
I was told the same thing. If you hold back your thoughts and feelings for fear of rejection you are emotionally unavailable. That was a hard thing for me to realize
@@Necic2024 so recognizable, holding back and not telling what I really want/need or how I really feel for fear of rejection/disappointment. To realize that hit me hard as well. But still, it’s stronger than my conscious ability to act different and I keep getting attached to people who finally don’t really choose me.
Thank you so much! Incredibly helpful to an indecisive and anxious person like myself. I found this advice to extrapolate well across many different areas of life, including my profession.
Trouble is, most men wear masks. They portray themselves to be confident and super-popular but their true selves only comes out when a crisis occurs, either in your life or his. My ex was a typical Alpha male (motorcycle rider, Civil Servant, gorgeous looking) but was in severe debt. When the bailiffs came a-calling (I found out later) he abandoned me like an old rag because he COULD NOT COPE with having a partner, his debt issues, going through a divorce, dealing with a high-powered career etc. Guess whose heart got broken (again)? Not his.
How do you even date someone? I'm in my 40s and I've never understood how people start relationships or initiate anything. What even is all of this. The more of these videos I watch, the less human I feel.
Thank you so much for your honest comment that truly helped me feel so much better. My experience feels very unique i.e. being an ethnic minority,stifled, undeveloped,bullied, medically neglected, unattractive,almost 30 year old woman with no romantic experiences,no experience of dating, no idea how other humans of various ages and backgrounds just seem to instinctively know how to and do kiss, caress & do the deeds. Not that I'm jealous but I certainly feel that if everyone else has those common experiences but I don't even know to imagine it then I must be extremely flawed But, let's be honest, there's nothing wrong with being innocent,virgin,pure, inexperienced, and solo. Obviously, I love the idea of being ab accomplished senior with a life partner a d grand children but it's never going to happen. It's mainstream society that needs to stop penalising the small amount of us should be accepting of and appreciative about single people. Once again, thank you for your relatable comment.
I loved the statement of ( If you make the wrong decision, you can correct that coarse.) That's making me so hopeful. I think I ruined my relationship at the beginning after the first mini date.
Wish I had this super advice 30 years ago but very glad to have it now. Excellent guidance and information on how it should be in relationships which I was never told. It is just common sense but getting into a bad relationship is really hard to get out of as you can’t see straight. Time for myself now and do things that I like doing ❤
1. Stop giving everyone else so much credit 2. Do not let a committee of your friends tell you what to think about someone you're dating 3.know what's important to you, what you need to be happy. Feeling peace, safety, deep connection, understood, being yourself and growing with that person, soul mate that makes you happy, even though they may not seem your type. 12:21 4. Give yourself permission to make wrong decisions 5.Practice making good decisions, by doing 17:23 6. Leaning into someone or something makes it great or reveals it can't be. The best relationships are co created 7. People take their cues from us! That determines what they'll think of your partner. We have agency. 8.when we make a wrong decision we can correct our course accordingly 9. The best person for you is not someone who is unavailable nor the one others tell you is most popular and best
This is good advice. Thank you. In my case I feel like I’m not too bad at recognising what I personally like, but I do feel other’s expectations of me heavily, so I have to be conscious about that too. But one of the advices that applies to me a lot is the one about embracing making mistakes. Lately I feel very stuck, and I really need to take action. From life I’ve learned that even though mistakes happen, things always get better eventually afterwards. So I will go out there and make mistakes and learn 😊
I feel the same very strongly, you’re not alone in that. Thanks for sharing and good luck with making those mistakes and accepting them - let’s go be human ✨
I am not exactly on the same opinion believing that it is about decision making , in my case : since I was 9 I take my decisions alone,and I did not asked for opinion or advive from anybody .Even I went to study against my parental agreement and I still had toxic relationships.
I already posted this in a reply but I recommend reading Getting the Love You Want (the 20th anniversary edition). I'm still finishing it but I've already learned a lot and at the end of the book it has exercises to work through different attachment styles and communication. I reeeally wish I read it decades ago 💕.
I feel very confident with myself most of the time, I know exactly what I want and need and also what I can bring to the table. But I keep struggling with the need to prove others my worth since they don't seem to see it. So I feel unworthy in a way even though I, myself, know my worth. Does that make sense?
Yes perfect sense ... it's beyond me too. I feel I have good self esteem and know I'm worthy but then when you get treated less than you see yourself I don't get it. Of course that's the end of any relationship..
Listen.. If you want to know your worth.. Look at the quality of people you let fuck you.. And how many times they fucked you.. Thats your answer.. You are broken because you gave yourself away to easily.. Good men stay away from broken tools.. they cant be fixed
"What use is a diamond knowing that it is a diamond, when everyone around it can only see it as a lump of coal simply because diamonds and coal are both made out of carbon?" That's the toxicity of self-love rhetoric out there in a nutshell. It's one thing to be secure in one's own skin and mind and self confident in one's identity and principles without outside approval, but like it or not we're all social animals and no man or woman can ever truly be an island. So like it or not you can think the world of yourself and be secure in your own skin, yet what use is it if everyone around you can't see you for who you are or the good that you embody? Even luxury bags get their prices cut when those selling them realise that nobody's buying them because apparently they're priced too high for the mass market to afford (even if they DO justify being priced so expensively due to their quality), and how long do people have in their lives waiting for the right person with the right eye and willing to pay the right price to "buy" them so to speak?
People, please learn about psychology a little. Stop watching this clickbaits. It all boils down to how your primary caregivers treated you during your formative years. Unless you wake up and realized that that was not the kind of treatment you want, you’ll continue the cycle over and over again. Do some introspection, improve yourself, be comfortable being alone, love yourself, know yourself. Slowly, you’ll gain confidence, you’ll be okay letting go of people who doesn’t meet your values. Set your intentions, be honest, be true to yourself. Never abandon yourself. You are the most important person in your life.
Ok ,first time I ask a question about this. I´m 40 years old and I work 100% remotely at home. I go once a week to coffee shops to see people but I never meet anyone. When I go out with friends and we meet guys, every guy seems to be interested in my friends except me. No guy wants to talk to me. In dating apps I only meet guys that want to have sex and the one that want a relationship never talk or answer even my hellos. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Where should I bee looking for my person?
There is nothing wrong with you. It can be the city you live in. The value is just not aligned. The men has too many options so they don’t need to commit. My heart goes out to you when I see your comment. Equip yourself with inner work, and good standards. There is nothing wrong with you.
so many strong points here- dont let ego drive you, don't follow what everyone on the external boasts value. such a good fresh perspective on reframing the sense of self and building that self trust!!!! i needed this heavily. i've been trying to find a way to 'train the muscle' on how to better trust my decisions instead of emphasizing social acceptance as the priority. it's hard!! thanks for these actionable 7 steps.
Great video. I started to think earlier that some information here are right cause they came up from my intuition and not ego and fear. Thanks for reminding me. :)
Matthew, you are a good guy. It would be nice if life were this simple. By the time you hit 40, there are not that many people available who are truly ‘securely’ attached.
For me its always pretty hard to deal with when you decide after spending time with them that they dont have the same intentions as you, to leave. Often you are still in contact with them in some way and then it's very easy to fall for ''the trap'' again if they start acting all nice and interested. Which happens often after you pullback. Anyone got any tips on that?
Most men who I am attracted to are not going to be emotionally available when I want, but how they show themselves to be ready for partnership is if they are emotionally respectful.
Aha moment...fully lean into the situation rather than being half in and half out, in a state of constant indecision. Either u find out how amazing it can be or it fails faster. 🙌
I was talking about Matthew Hussey today and his healthy viewpoints and accidentally called him “Matthew Healthy” instead of “Matthew Hussey” Im sticking with it
I hear ya. When I lived in LA (2010-18), I would only do face time first for about 30 mins. If there was no attraction or vibe there, it was a no go. No that doesn’t solve the problem of unavailability or narcissism but I was amazed at how much I could suss out on a quick face time. Saved me sooo much time & headaches. Plus cut down on the driving or Ubers. Anyone who thought it was weird automatically became a no for me as well. I almost never had a guy turn me down on a FaceTime. They all want to see if what we’re advertising is real. Hope that helps.
I partially disagree. I agree in the term of not understanding why people choose me. But on a dinner table I choose what I want to eat/drink and don't care what ppl think. And sometimes they choose the same as me. Even when they are the emotionally unavailable.
I LOVE this Matthew. I try to strike a balance between acting like you’re a bit crazy and never taking action. Between a stagnant pond and a tsunami there are some amazing nuances, in some sort of flow. But often people don’t perceive well the will and ability to take action, even when you come from place of purity.
totally not the case for me. im not attracted to emotionally unavailable people, its just that im magnet for avoidants and narcissists. and mostly them. they come to me constantly. and i must constantly try to filter them out as fast as possible and reject them to dodge the bullet. so my problem comes not from rejecting the good guys but scarsity of good guys. and those shitty people wont show their true colors at first. so its hard to filter them out. they at first pretend to be emotionally available and invested, then then show true colors after TIME. so i have to waste time to filter them out. its discouraging.
There seems to be a potential contradiction here because if someone already has skewed judgement, as your example gave where her friends showed her her pattern, how do you know when to take your friends' advice on how great a guy is or not if the rest of the advice says don't trust your friends. I get it on the weird superficial aspects, but on the larger aspects of personality?
I think the biggest reason people pick emotionally unavailable people is actually because they are emotionally unavailable themselves. And as for staying with someone when you aren’t sure I don’t think that’s because people aren’t ‘throwing themselves in’ usually the uncertainty is an indication this isn’t the right person for me at least in my experience.
amazing points , I really took these to heart in understanding how to train my self trust muscle: - Stop relying on other people for validations; stop believing that other people have the right answer than what we have - We have the best information to make decisions because we know what we value and need; make the decision with what we trust - Orchestrate the success of our decision - it’s based on the energy you put into it - Ultimate power of self trust is not a perfect track record; we make the right decisions but ALSO self correct instead of staying the course indefinitely (this is what i struggle with by staying in a relationship longer than i should) - Remove power from others thinking they can determine what is good for you - these are Fake markers of value - The real marker is what you feel the best around
You're valuing them more than they deserve, so they treat you as they please
Not only that, but more than they value or care about you - meaning you have a worthiness wound…
I think I do this. So I’m gonna save this comment.
You prematurely assign them qualities they don’t actually possess. I am guilty of that.
Not meaning you! Just that it’s my own tendency!
Yup. And sometimes we put them on pedestals to justify us not feeling good enough and having to look up to them. Sometimes we project our value on them. They sense us and confirm our bias, undervaluing us.
If you treat them like stars, they will always treat you like fans. Treat them like equals and they will do the same, regardless of their social status, wealth, seemingly popularity because they are good at one area only.
Tats true
definitely. i wanted to give a chance to a girl who i didn t feel extreme emotions but after seeing her putting effort, i also put effort and unfortunately opened myself fully up, showed my love and it turbed out that she has avoidant attachment style and becoming unsure, so i stayed with my emotional damage and had to learn again that i have to treat tjem at least at the beginning as equal and avoid too much emotions
definitely. i wanted to give a chance to a girl who i didn t feel extreme emotions but after seeing her putting effort, i also put effort and unfortunately opened myself fully up, showed my love and it turbed out that she has avoidant attachment style and becoming unsure, so i stayed with my emotional damage and had to learn again that i have to treat tjem at least at the beginning as equal and avoid too much emotions
Sometimes men come off emotionally available at the beginning but it’s not until weeks or even months in you notice behaviors that signal avoidant attachment wounds. So it’s not always a lack of self trust. And when the behaviors begin your instincts kick in. It’s important to trust those instincts.
I just had a heartbreak from an avoidant who dumped me all of sudden while giving me the honeymoon phase. You are right I did feel something is off while everything seems going great. I will certainly learn to trust my instincts next time. Don't fall for the superficial level "paradise" they made up.
Exactly what happens with me! And I don’t understand why I attract such men only.
You need time to think, time to dream, time to talk, and time to do nothing at all
In short, alone time :) :)
this is so radial.
Nope, not necessarily. @@Seanus32
When I stop caring about other's opinions; I found the love of my life. What a price I was paing before!!!!!
Pray it happens for me too
Your wife is very lucky to have you as you’re faithful, smart, honest and trustworthy guy, and I’m sure you’re lucky to have her as well, all the best to you❤❤❤❤
I just love how Matthew Hussey breaks things down. Clear, honest, direct & even more: a visible progression from the earlier YT videos. You are hitting subjects that are hitting more deeply: self-awareness/growth, subsconscious patterns, becoming aware of red flags (narcissism), etc....very nice evolution Matthew. Thank you for your sound advice & keeping up the good work for so long. We are listening & we appreciate you!
People who repeat this pattern should look into how their parents raised them. Most likely one or both of their parents were also emotionally unavailable. If this rings true, then it’s good idea to see a psychologist to uncover unconscious patterns. Most insurance cover these visits w a copay.
Yes but that would require accountability
Most don't want to mature
yes, and? my father is never going to change and I will never cry out all the pain for his emotional unavailability. and therapy is not magic.
@@Audrey-k2h I think that's unreasonable, I don't think emotionally unavailable men want to be that way. I certainly don't, but yes work needs to be done on it
But usually the "emotionally unavaliable person" show themselvs as avaliable at first. So how this situation works? We unconsciously "sense" the person is unavaliable and fall for them?
Yeah, great question!
Exactly. 3 months of perfect chemistry, connection, and conversation, then...caught him on a date with his ex. When I asked him about it, I got the "I'm just not emotionally available" speech. It's just an excuse.
It sounds stupid but time will tell. Nobody can keep this longer as 6 months. Only so you can see the real person, probably a year. But in that time you can see their afford. Is it equal from both sides?
This reminds me of avoidants, they show up very vulnerable and emotionally available.. then with time withdraw.. its so sad
No, I think what he is trying to say is we are falling too much for how others perceive them that we overlook the small hints about them being emotionally unavailable or we avoid/forget to have the right conversations that will make us spot an emotionally unavailable person
Great teaching, you touch upon many life & philosophical principles. Fear stops you from taking risks, leads to a boring life. Don't be afraid to fail or make mistakes ,no one's opinion matter more than yours for yourself
Can you do a video specifically on self-trust and on learning how to trust oneself again? Great key points in this video, by the way! Really helpful...
Great topic idea! I might use it myself, too 😉
I have recognized this pattern in myself in the past. Thank you Matthew for clarity❤🙏
Me too.❤
Let’s not forget that the overwhelming majority of single men are single because they tend to be emotionally unavailable. Dating in early to late middle age will absolutely be difficult for this reason. I don’t question the advice for Matthew, it is very sound but it’s also a game.
Facts
Even for older guys! Like in 50’s 60’s!!! Mostly not honest about their life or they live double lives:(:(:(
Emotionally unavailable, selfish, insecure, immature... Too arrogant to acknowledge they have issues & therefore need to make an effort to change, ie seek counseling & address the root cause. They tend to blame everyone else & pretend they prefer independence, while hurting others in the process. Life is not a "game" if one has a moral conscience, human decency.
My 1st comment disappeared for some reason. Idk if you meant life/dating or M's advice is a "game." Nobody should see relationships that way if they have a moral conscience & common decency. Treat others as you would have them treat you (attn: NOT as they treat you or how you assume they'll treat you). Basically, don't be an A$$.
Do you want honesty, trust, understanding, kindness & respect? Then BE those things. Do you want real, unconditional love - someone who appreciates you as a human being, good & bad, who faces issues w/ healthy & mature solution-oriented communication? If so, you cannot let selfishness, insecurity, fear of intimacy or rejection, ego & pride, need to be "right" & in control, nor selfish pleasure (hookups, womanizing, casual sex - temp yet ineffective attempt at happiness, pot. reckless & emotionally hurtful btw) dominate your thoughts & behavior. You'll get old and/or sick & wonder why you're alone w/o anyone to help or care. You can be married to your job but not forever, and then what!?
Defense mechanisms & toxic reactions only push people away & don't bring true happiness. Avoidants, Narcissists, & emotionally unavailable people don't seem to know or remember the above, nor care that they cause psychological/emotional damage to the ones they say they love & string along (HOW is that productive for either of us!??) Even if/when we've dealt w/ the abu$€ & neg!¢t we can't get back the YEARS wasted w/ them. So now I happen to be 50+ & never married, no children. My good character was taken advantage of... and no one is better off, just older. Whoever has any of those toxic traits - get counseling & work on yourself before you ruin any more otherwise healthy & secure people!
I have only ever been rejected BECAUSE I was emotionally avaliable not unavaliable
Here's the not so weird reason: there are more (much more) unavailable people. So some poor sod is bound to end up with an unavailable person, or half-unavailable which is enough to make the more secure one unhappy. Also, newsflash, most men are avoidant, so straight women are battling insurmountable odds. I've finally become more secure and available after many years of therapy for my utterly horrendous childhood and I am going from situationship to situationship because most men who are in their 30s and still single are that for a reason - but NOT working on themselves (that would be the dream). So now that I am the one who leaves when it's not working out, I have strings of beginnings, leaving when their unavailability becomes clear. I don't need mpre therapy. I need a man who has done his fair share of therapy. Period.
🎯💯❤️ Totally agree, me too!!! I am the secure & healthy one in my relationships & I even make a good counselor, but people tend to be so egocentric & selfish these days. I don't have impossible standards, yet I think every time I deal w/ a breakup after years of patience & effort the bar is raised. Definitely learning not to tolerate & settle for things bc people don't change. *Even if they do (bc of meds or healthy choices), it's usually temporary. Their loss!
I've been dating men in their 40s and it's the same. Just recently had this discussion with a friend: women go to therapy way more than men do, so we end up secure and healed, but can't find a guy who is the same or is at least doing the work. Sad story :')
Matching effort/interest/care/respect and knowing own boundaries/values and you NOT okay with chasing and playing a role in someone else's life to 'serve' them.
Matthew talks so much sense, don't know how he does it!
‘Matthew! You are such a gem🙌🏻 “Being aggressive about living..” actions of any size. learning to acknowledge small wins and open to more. Learning to avoid people telling me what,how,who I should be. Learning that I can trust myself, cherish my choices, getting to another stage of life. ‘Waiting for certainty…”. This is really resonating. I tell my therapist about you!❤
Thank you Matthew! Going to go back to basics… It applies in all areas of life.
What do I value? What do I like? Enjoy? Make a list (on paper!) and start with the basics. You’ve taught me that!
Your description of this woman is talking about me to a T. This is so frustrating. I’m at the end of my rope where attracting men who are totally wrong for me is concerned. Thanks for your video.
15:55 Leaning into something > Applies to all aspects of life! This point is so good! It spoke to me about my career standstill and everything else
omg, the choosing ourselves part really hit me... thank you so much for sharing this valuable wisdom
Super helpful! Married a person with high narcissistic characteristics and I have gone to this place of doubting myself. I have found myself asking friends what they think. Ok, I will on occasion when needed. Yes, I can trust myself and have learned so much from mistakes that I have made!!
I decided to go off the websites enjoy activities I like and if someone right will show up they will love the effort I make and how independent and strong I am and will respect me for this not take an advantage. You will know because you will not question if they like you or not once, they will let you know by words and actions. ❤Good luck guys
Dued to the fact that I don't have real friends who know me so well, I tend to keep my intimite relationships life hidden.
The only times when I discuss about it with a friend I've noticed the projection. You're absolutely right.
So I prefer makes mistakes by myself 😅
Both meeting and falling for an emotionally unavailable person led me to going back on meds
So sorry to hear that, get better 🙏.
@@josephinefaison5849 thank you so much 😊 Taking the energy back now and getting back on track 💙
Man, one of the most important things I'm realizing is that we can't let another person have that power over us. Yes it hurts, but reframing our story so that we don't get trapped in the mindset of "this always happens to me" or "I'm such an idiot for falling for them" is necessary for our internal peace, which should be more important than the people who walk into our lives.
@@BugDrivenExplorer absolutely right and never should someone feel like they should put all their eggs in one basket, putting that someone high upon a pedestal, and instead get priorities straight in realising that you’re the most important person and taking that energy back.
This is really wholesome and great advice. It is a return to the genuine world. When people said what they meant. When peoples words was their word. It’s a push towards that. Because ultimately that’s what love is, … to be accepted for who we are! ❤love this. Love you bro! Thanks for the video Matthew
I have a problem with attracting dudes who have issues. Narcissists, emotionally broken men unable to have mature adult relationships. I am 49 years old and have trouble attracting good, mature and responsible men. I have a good life and a rewarding career. I’m missing something…..😣
It’s the man YOU choose… they’re not coming to you randomly YOU CHOOSE TO LIKE THEM because you have issues with yourself. 49 years old & don’t know how this works I’m sorry that’s really hard
@@andrewvandekamp8056 that's totally not true. not in my case for sure. narcissists, avoidants, etc. approach me, not the other way around. and i have to constantly have to dodge them. there is scarsity of good men. i never ever rejected a man for being decent, while i constantly have to block people for shitty behaviour like first pretending to be super-invested and then showing me they dont give a fuck about me. most of them have audacity to for example return after year of ghosting me as if nothing happened. i block them asp. its not my fault there is scarsity of good men.
@@alicjaalvena1120 it’s not your fault man behave that way, but who we are attracted to & who are attracted to us says a lot it’s complicated to explain in English
@@alicjaalvena1120 im sorry that you’ve been treated like that & hope you’ll find luck
@@alicjaalvena1120I can totally relate! 🎯💯 It's like they have a sixth sense or something. Could just be they luck out bc kind, empathic women tend to see good qualities & understand/forgive flaws or mistakes more readily, not that we don't have standards. I can spot a player easily but narcissists & avoidants typically mask their neg traits & some are quite charismatic & clever (if they actually plan it that way). One hid it til the 3rd yr into our relationship! I'd known him for 8-9 yrs as a friend (never romantic) in college & later long distance. He pursued me via phone & traveling (6+ hrs) & all seemed honest & legit... Like it was meant to be - great timing, both available & also involved a few job offers where he lived (landed myself but wouldn't have looked w/o his suggestion). I moved to advance my career & be w/ him. It worked til he changed like Jeckyll & Hyde. Total narcissist abu$e! NPD wasn't studied or talked about much then but he fit the profile so I left.
Last relationship was 5-6 yrs w/ a guy I've known 25+ yrs. Good guy whom everyone likes, honest, loyal, yet emotionally unavailable Avoidant type (in hindsight, if only I'd known!). Thought he was shy at first or just the quiet type. Then he realized medical issue, got on meds & things improved. We got closer & he seemed happier, more open & loving, communication better or I wouldn't have stayed so long... But eventually old patterns of distance & neglect repeated. Meds may have again been a factor, yet it seems no matter how much he loves me or wants a connection, he is incapable & uninterested in healing the cause. Never got over trust issues from his divorce 15+ years ago.🤯
To the previous reply: We don't CHOOSE to be w/ people who hurt us & waste time! We invest our time to get to know each other, stay when it works, then try to work on it when things happen bc they do w/ EVERYONE, all relationships, and when it doesn't we realize that we're putting in all or most of the effort. People w/ unresolved baggage or psychological disorders tend not to face things realistically & are sometimes toxic - they don't share this upfront, esp if they're unaware of the problem! And just bc someone doesn't dismiss a person the second they reveal a minor flaw doesn't mean something is wrong w/ them, it means they have character & depth.
This video is incredibly helpful and heart healing!! I love "There is no such thing as an ultimate right decision". This is one of your best talks. Thank you so much!!
Matthew's advice and perspective are 10/10. I always glean something from these episodes and it has absolutely helped me learn who to prioritize in dating.
I’ve been watching your videos for a while and you’ve helped me feel ready to receive my person. Can you make a video on what to do once you get into your new relationship? How to make it last. Things not to do.
How do you release videos that are SO relevant to my crisis at the time? This video was healing, thank you ❤
Just ended a 4 month relationship with someone who I now see was emotionally unavailable and avoidant. Not many texts and the texts were bland/made me feel disconnected. We enjoyed physical intamacy (not just sex) but we never really had emotional closeness. Anytime Id ask about deeper feelings and thoughts Id get a brief, brushed off answer. It also made me not want to open up as I wasnt sure how it would be perceived. On paper this person was great, had the same life goals and lifestyle but there just wasnt a strong connection. I was hopefull that we would bond more as time went on but really we just weren't a good fit. I need to focus more on "how i feel right now with this person" rather than "how this could turn out".
I guess this video is my NEED right now. It was like a "PUSH" button. I hope I can make a comment here in October that I'm in Switzerland and get back to Turkey and maybe have my beautiful relationship that I destroyed with my weaknesses and not find myself deserved to be well treated. Matthew, I just wanted to say "Thank you". Those videos helped me a lot in my depression era in the last quarter of 2023. I believe that I can achieve my vision board that I hold in my room. God bless you and your beautiful wife.❤
Many many thanks from Turkey.
Watching this video is one of the best desisions I've ever made in my life
This was a seriously euphoric epiphany moment. It was like everything suddenly made sense. I have followed you for quite a while and read your new book love life several times too. However this podcast was the one that made me feel like I had found the most significant part of my own jigsaw. It left me feeling enlightened and far more empowered than I have ever felt. Thank you ❤❤❤
This hit home! Thank you, Matthew for this video!
Content game is strong af. Love this 🙏🏼🙏🏼
Today I had a spectacular experience in the train, while I was reading Matthew's book. I was lucky to get a seat next to a really handsome guy. I said nicely hello and started reading, thinking of how to start a conversation, he seemed really interesting. After one station he started talking to me, at first very politely but then we got into a very nice and open conversation. We live in the same town and he asked me for my number 🎉😊 He also mentioned the book, so it seems he catched sight of the content... maybe it made him brave enough to start talking?
Give yourself credit too! You started with hello 🙂 Did he offer his number before you guys split?
@@jn-ns6bv Yes, I took it as a challenge, trying to apply some of the tools Matthew teaches, even though I can only do it in my shy and careful way. But anyway, it worked!!! At least the first step is made, let‘s see how it continues. We are in touch since that train ride. And even if it would not go anywhere, at least it has given me some encouragement to stay open to new encounters…🙃
Powerful and insightful information. Thank you for sharing.
As always, your advice comes at a great time for me. Thank you for all this. I tend to put too much pressure on myself regarding wrong decisions or mistakes, and it isn't that deep. It's a relief to think about it as a way to find out faster and clearer if something can work out or not
There are so many of them, it is hard to find secure, emotionally available anyone. Many relationship experts have said that at least 50% of single people are emotionally unavailable and insecure, probably more than that. How are we supposed to find secure people like themselves?
The problem isn't finding someone who's emotionally available. The problem is being subconsciously attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, especially if that's who you keep ending up with. Then when you meet someone who is emotinally available and choosing you, it feels weird and you're not attracted to it. Fix yourself to fix the problem.
the real question is why so many men are emotionally unavailable 🤔
YES!!!! I am in TONS of healing groups, 90% are women!!! Most women don't need another video or poscast or therapy hour. They need a man who works on his issues!!!
@@dr.florenceBecause.. We are not emotional to ran thru damaged souls.. Only a ran thru damaged soul will connect with a ran thru damaged souls.. You cant find the “good” guys (6ft+ Athletic Genius Virgin Nice Competent) because they ARE not looking for you.. Have awareness.. You get fucked, he leaves u and u want respect? Get out.. Should’ve had more respect for yourself.. The best you can do now is get cats and make a bunch of money.. Cause thats where its headin..
@@0RDERVsCha0ssThis rhetoric is part of the problem.😒
@@beautifullybliss I disagree completely.. This is the cold hard truth, lol.. Im not one of those guys that advocate for men too sleep around either.. It goes both ways.. Who u have sex with is a physical manifestation of what you are willing to sell yourself for… You exchange demons and burdens with penetration.. Ppl need to realize this.. And understand this is why they are linked to shitty ppl..
@@beautifullybliss I disagree… You tie your soul to those you have sex with.. You exchange burdens, demons and angels on an inter dimensional level.. That’s why if you sleep with a man whore, you become tainted.. And if I sleep with a Succubus, I too will be tainted.. Its common sense really, and dont delete my comment again @beta dude that made this video… im screenshottin it this time bud..
I attract all kinds of people but somehow I only get interested in the emotional unavailable ones. Someone once told me I’m emotional unavailable myself. Not sure if that’s the case, I really want to make a meaningful and emotional connection.
I was told the same thing. If you hold back your thoughts and feelings for fear of rejection you are emotionally unavailable. That was a hard thing for me to realize
@@Necic2024 so recognizable, holding back and not telling what I really want/need or how I really feel for fear of rejection/disappointment. To realize that hit me hard as well. But still, it’s stronger than my conscious ability to act different and I keep getting attached to people who finally don’t really choose me.
You make so much sense, a lot of great advice ❤
As always, Matthew, your insights are brilliant, and so very helpful.. Thank you, from my heart!
Thank you so much! Incredibly helpful to an indecisive and anxious person like myself. I found this advice to extrapolate well across many different areas of life, including my profession.
Trouble is, most men wear masks. They portray themselves to be confident and super-popular but their true selves only comes out when a crisis occurs, either in your life or his. My ex was a typical Alpha male (motorcycle rider, Civil Servant, gorgeous looking) but was in severe debt. When the bailiffs came a-calling (I found out later) he abandoned me like an old rag because he COULD NOT COPE with having a partner, his debt issues, going through a divorce, dealing with a high-powered career etc. Guess whose heart got broken (again)? Not his.
How do you even date someone? I'm in my 40s and I've never understood how people start relationships or initiate anything. What even is all of this. The more of these videos I watch, the less human I feel.
Thank you so much for your honest comment that truly helped me feel so much better.
My experience feels very unique i.e. being an ethnic minority,stifled, undeveloped,bullied, medically neglected, unattractive,almost 30 year old woman with no romantic experiences,no experience of dating, no idea how other humans of various ages and backgrounds just seem to instinctively know how to and do kiss, caress & do the deeds.
Not that I'm jealous but I certainly feel that if everyone else has those common experiences but I don't even know to imagine it then I must be extremely flawed
But, let's be honest, there's nothing wrong with being innocent,virgin,pure, inexperienced, and solo.
Obviously, I love the idea of being ab accomplished senior with a life partner a d grand children but it's never going to happen.
It's mainstream society that needs to stop penalising the small amount of us should be accepting of and appreciative about single people.
Once again, thank you for your relatable comment.
@@ip3931Are you on the autistic spectrum?
Matthew, the timing of this video is perfect, once again you’re fixing my brain)
This is a wonderful video to learn about yourself more.😊
I loved the statement of ( If you make the wrong decision, you can correct that coarse.) That's making me so hopeful. I think I ruined my relationship at the beginning after the first mini date.
Wish I had this super advice 30 years ago but very glad to have it now. Excellent guidance and information on how it should be in relationships which I was never told. It is just common sense but getting into a bad relationship is really hard to get out of as you can’t see straight. Time for myself now and do things that I like doing ❤
1. Stop giving everyone else so much credit
2. Do not let a committee of your friends tell you what to think about someone you're dating
3.know what's important to you, what you need to be happy. Feeling peace, safety, deep connection, understood, being yourself and growing with that person, soul mate that makes you happy, even though they may not seem your type. 12:21
4. Give yourself permission to make wrong decisions
5.Practice making good decisions, by doing 17:23
6. Leaning into someone or something makes it great or reveals it can't be. The best relationships are co created
7. People take their cues from us! That determines what they'll think of your partner. We have agency.
8.when we make a wrong decision we can correct our course accordingly
9. The best person for you is not someone who is unavailable nor the one others tell you is most popular and best
This is good advice. Thank you. In my case I feel like I’m not too bad at recognising what I personally like, but I do feel other’s expectations of me heavily, so I have to be conscious about that too. But one of the advices that applies to me a lot is the one about embracing making mistakes. Lately I feel very stuck, and I really need to take action. From life I’ve learned that even though mistakes happen, things always get better eventually afterwards. So I will go out there and make mistakes and learn 😊
I feel the same very strongly, you’re not alone in that. Thanks for sharing and good luck with making those mistakes and accepting them - let’s go be human ✨
I am not exactly on the same opinion believing that it is about decision making , in my case : since I was 9 I take my decisions alone,and I did not asked for opinion or advive from anybody .Even I went to study against my parental agreement and I still had toxic relationships.
I already posted this in a reply but I recommend reading Getting the Love You Want (the 20th anniversary edition).
I'm still finishing it but I've already learned a lot and at the end of the book it has exercises to work through different attachment styles and communication. I reeeally wish I read it decades ago 💕.
Thank you Matthew! This was amazing 🙏🏻💖💖💖
i needed this so much. Thank you so much for this new perspective
greatest session that i have ever heard
I feel very confident with myself most of the time, I know exactly what I want and need and also what I can bring to the table. But I keep struggling with the need to prove others my worth since they don't seem to see it. So I feel unworthy in a way even though I, myself, know my worth. Does that make sense?
Yes perfect sense ... it's beyond me too. I feel I have good self esteem and know I'm worthy but then when you get treated less than you see yourself I don't get it. Of course that's the end of any relationship..
Same here hun! Your not alone ❤
Listen.. If you want to know your worth.. Look at the quality of people you let fuck you.. And how many times they fucked you.. Thats your answer.. You are broken because you gave yourself away to easily.. Good men stay away from broken tools.. they cant be fixed
"What use is a diamond knowing that it is a diamond, when everyone around it can only see it as a lump of coal simply because diamonds and coal are both made out of carbon?"
That's the toxicity of self-love rhetoric out there in a nutshell. It's one thing to be secure in one's own skin and mind and self confident in one's identity and principles without outside approval, but like it or not we're all social animals and no man or woman can ever truly be an island. So like it or not you can think the world of yourself and be secure in your own skin, yet what use is it if everyone around you can't see you for who you are or the good that you embody?
Even luxury bags get their prices cut when those selling them realise that nobody's buying them because apparently they're priced too high for the mass market to afford (even if they DO justify being priced so expensively due to their quality), and how long do people have in their lives waiting for the right person with the right eye and willing to pay the right price to "buy" them so to speak?
Is it about attracting the wrong people, or accommodating to them? 🧐
Thank you 🤍 needed to hear this right now
People, please learn about psychology a little. Stop watching this clickbaits. It all boils down to how your primary caregivers treated you during your formative years. Unless you wake up and realized that that was not the kind of treatment you want, you’ll continue the cycle over and over again. Do some introspection, improve yourself, be comfortable being alone, love yourself, know yourself. Slowly, you’ll gain confidence, you’ll be okay letting go of people who doesn’t meet your values. Set your intentions, be honest, be true to yourself. Never abandon yourself. You are the most important person in your life.
Exactly 👍🏻
Ok ,first time I ask a question about this. I´m 40 years old and I work 100% remotely at home. I go once a week to coffee shops to see people but I never meet anyone. When I go out with friends and we meet guys, every guy seems to be interested in my friends except me. No guy wants to talk to me. In dating apps I only meet guys that want to have sex and the one that want a relationship never talk or answer even my hellos. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Where should I bee looking for my person?
There is nothing wrong with you. It can be the city you live in. The value is just not aligned. The men has too many options so they don’t need to commit. My heart goes out to you when I see your comment. Equip yourself with inner work, and good standards. There is nothing wrong with you.
so many strong points here- dont let ego drive you, don't follow what everyone on the external boasts value. such a good fresh perspective on reframing the sense of self and building that self trust!!!! i needed this heavily. i've been trying to find a way to 'train the muscle' on how to better trust my decisions instead of emphasizing social acceptance as the priority. it's hard!! thanks for these actionable 7 steps.
Thank you for giving od yourself and your experiences and knowledge.😂❤🎉
Great video. I started to think earlier that some information here are right cause they came up from my intuition and not ego and fear. Thanks for reminding me. :)
Ahhhhhh Matt, this is golden!
Matthew, you are a good guy. It would be nice if life were this simple. By the time you hit 40, there are not that many people available who are truly ‘securely’ attached.
I guess the securely attached are all with each other.
For me its always pretty hard to deal with when you decide after spending time with them that they dont have the same intentions as you, to leave. Often you are still in contact with them in some way and then it's very easy to fall for ''the trap'' again if they start acting all nice and interested. Which happens often after you pullback. Anyone got any tips on that?
Can you go more in depth when you say acting all nice and interested? So they like you but just don't want to be serious with someone.
No wonder Mel Robbins was 😍 when she met you haha 😂 amazing video!! ❤
Thank you.. this one, especially, is for me.
Omg thank you for this video!!
Why should we like a video before we even watched it? 🤔
I do because I already know I’m going to like it, all of Matthew’s videos are so good there is always something to learn from them.
Most men who I am attracted to are not going to be emotionally available when I want, but how they show themselves to be ready for partnership is if they are emotionally respectful.
This video was so good I'm watching it again!
Matthew, you are a gem.
Aha moment...fully lean into the situation rather than being half in and half out, in a state of constant indecision. Either u find out how amazing it can be or it fails faster. 🙌
I was talking about Matthew Hussey today and his healthy viewpoints and accidentally called him “Matthew Healthy” instead of “Matthew Hussey” Im sticking with it
Another incredibly accurate video ❤.
I live in LA, the world capital of narcissistic emotionally unavailable men. Dating is a nightmare here.
Vancouver is known as Hollywood North...we're a close 2nd I'm pretty sure. 😬
try moving you fool
I hear ya. When I lived in LA (2010-18), I would only do face time first for about 30 mins.
If there was no attraction or vibe there, it was a no go.
No that doesn’t solve the problem of unavailability or narcissism but I was amazed at how much I could suss out on a quick face time.
Saved me sooo much time & headaches.
Plus cut down on the driving or Ubers.
Anyone who thought it was weird automatically became a no for me as well.
I almost never had a guy turn me down on a FaceTime. They all want to see if what we’re advertising is real.
Hope that helps.
This is absolutely amazing! Thank you!
I love you Mathew!
I partially disagree. I agree in the term of not understanding why people choose me. But on a dinner table I choose what I want to eat/drink and don't care what ppl think. And sometimes they choose the same as me. Even when they are the emotionally unavailable.
I TRUST me - Only Me
Thank you For this one ❤️
Love love life changed my outlook
Loving the title and intro so far 😍😍😍. So much yes
Good morning! 💜
Best video ever!
That made so much sense.❤
I LOVE this Matthew. I try to strike a balance between acting like you’re a bit crazy and never taking action. Between a stagnant pond and a tsunami there are some amazing nuances, in some sort of flow. But often people don’t perceive well the will and ability to take action, even when you come from place of purity.
totally not the case for me. im not attracted to emotionally unavailable people, its just that im magnet for avoidants and narcissists. and mostly them. they come to me constantly. and i must constantly try to filter them out as fast as possible and reject them to dodge the bullet. so my problem comes not from rejecting the good guys but scarsity of good guys. and those shitty people wont show their true colors at first. so its hard to filter them out. they at first pretend to be emotionally available and invested, then then show true colors after TIME. so i have to waste time to filter them out. its discouraging.
You and I are very alike. Do you feel that you are a strong empath?
The amount of times I run into a women that isn't emotionally available is staggering and as a man I feel less and less each time and that hurts me
thanks bro! 😁
❤thanks❤bless you❤
There seems to be a potential contradiction here because if someone already has skewed judgement, as your example gave where her friends showed her her pattern, how do you know when to take your friends' advice on how great a guy is or not if the rest of the advice says don't trust your friends. I get it on the weird superficial aspects, but on the larger aspects of personality?
I think the biggest reason people pick emotionally unavailable people is actually because they are emotionally unavailable themselves.
And as for staying with someone when you aren’t sure I don’t think that’s because people aren’t ‘throwing themselves in’ usually the uncertainty is an indication this isn’t the right person for me at least in my experience.
amazing points , I really took these to heart in understanding how to train my self trust muscle:
- Stop relying on other people for validations; stop believing that other people have the right answer than what we have
- We have the best information to make decisions because we know what we value and need; make the decision with what we trust
- Orchestrate the success of our decision - it’s based on the energy you put into it
- Ultimate power of self trust is not a perfect track record; we make the right decisions but ALSO self correct instead of staying the course indefinitely (this is what i struggle with by staying in a relationship longer than i should)
- Remove power from others thinking they can determine what is good for you - these are Fake markers of value
- The real marker is what you feel the best around
Thank you❤