“We should not judge people by their peak of excellence; but by the distance they have traveled from the point where they started.” - Henry Ward Beecher
This is off topic but I'm divorcing a narcissist at the moment and I wanted to let you know what a lifeline your content has been--your videos and your books. I'm not sure I'd be coping without them.
Syntheticfluff same here! Dr Ramani’s and Dr Carter’s videos saved my life. My hubby deserted me 3 times and this time divorcing me. After 37 yrs of marriage, no kids, up and left 1 day after my mother’s funeral, no goodbye, didn’t know he wasn’t coming back. I took care of my mom for 10 years, she died last June at 106-1/2 yrs old. He left a day later. Like leaving me for dead.
@@elcee7800 stay strong, you are responsible for yourself. At least we are not treating someone badly. Everything has a reason, some we understand and a lot are still unresolved. But watching dr videos are evidence of clarity that u understand your relationship.
Wow this is my dad word by word! Rigid miserly stubborn workaholic judgemental keeping financial matters secret orderly controlling Self righteous perfectionist, bad at gratitude rules schedules everything!! He never spent money on fun. When I was 13 my father told me that he doesn't need people in his life. I was so confused. My dad threatened my mother that he will never pay support. Thank you Dr Ramani! 🌺 How were you able to describe my father in such uncanny detail!
Poor you, I dreamt about mine the other night, he'd been a dead beat dad in life and I was stuck alone with malignant mom, in my dream he said he lived in Hawaii 🏄 (that would have been a lie as he wouldn't have been able to afford that) and when I asked why I didn't know that he replied because he'd dumped me! If nothing else, in real life, he really gave me a head's up on what smucks men could be and it is their job to prepare you for real life! 🙋
coming from a highly authoritarian, religious, emotionally cold family, I developed workaholism and perfectionism early on, as well as self-righteousness (to cover shame). it scares me to think how I could have become more like this personality style if I hadn't 'fallen apart'!
I don’t have OCD but I developed traits after growing up and living with narcissists. They expect perfection from other but not themselves. So after walking on eggshells all my life people thought I was compulsive. I couldn’t relax unless everything was done and done right (their standards). My mom was like a military sargent, but after she left us her house was a pit. I was shocked as much a she rode us and how things had to be done. I have been working on letting myself relax.
After 30 years of no contact, I have made progress but I find myself still being uneasy when I "break the rules". Relaxing with others, watching a movie, going out to eat all seem so wrong and I have to remind myself that it is okay to spend money on myself. I am pretty generous with others but recently a friend with these tendencies really dissed my birthday present, meanwhile, my birthday was only a couple weeks after and she forgot it and never did give me a gift.
I have OCPD. It has ruined my life, but I'm not a horrible person. I'm very empathic and will help anyone out if I can. My family are very important to me.
I feel that way too, Alice. But we’re all commingled with other traits mixed in which saves most of us. It’s the grand or covert 100% narc I cannot tolerate.
This is my father 100%. He's not only a backseat driver, but also a backseat cook, cleaner, mechanic, etc. Even my athletic achievements in high school were never good enough. My sister ended up becoming a benign/ communal narcissist, and I'm the truth teller with mild OCD who is having to learn boundaries for the first time. This channel has been such a blessing, and I can finally put these things into words.
🤣The miserly bit and the financialcontrol, my ex-husband to a tee!! He would brag to everyone about his extreme wealth, tell them about how generous he is with my monthly allowance. Never once disclosed that I had to ask his permission and tell him the cost before buying anything for myself. So happy I left him 😌
Every time we went food shopping was a nightmare. I wasn't allowed to go over 65.00 for a weeks groceries for 2 adults, a teenage son and a dog. If I went over. He'd yell at me at checkout saying Why So Much??? I even clipped coupons every week and kept my receipts for a year to tally up how much I saved, anywhere from 500 to 700 a year! But when I showed him, he barely acknowledged it. Since my divorce 11 years ago, I won't ever use a coupon again, and if I want to buy cashew nuts for 10.00...I'll buy them!!!
This is so far one of the worst personality if they still won’t stop even though your on your own grave. Prayers to people who are in this type of relationship.
Cold, controlling, self righteous, judgmental, emotionally/physically abusive, gaslighting was my childhood. No money was had, but I no if there was, that would b used as a manipulation - the language of narcissism
I agree, only after watching dr. ramani and grande did I recount many friendships with narcissists. dr. ramani is so expert at explaining complex concepts. even though I have a BA in psychology from a good school, we were never taught these personality complexes. We were taught alot about behaviorism, cognitive science, social psychology and neuroscience - but never taught about psychopathy or narcissism.
Thank you for sharing this as my mom has OCPD, she is 78 and it is really really really bad. I almost can’t talk to her. It’s hard because I have a newborn and need her help :(
It’s true. I’ve only now discovered I may well have OCPD. I’m 50 now (2023) and my anger over peoples lack of devotion and values, my workaholic tendencies, cheap attitude, lack of empathy is worse than ever. I’.m a schmuck, a hardwired schmuck.
Can I just say futuristica thank you. Seriously thank you for acknowledging you have this. My father is. Narcissist and I grew up in a angry/traumatic household. In my 20s I desperately wanted him to at least acknowledge there was something psychologically wrong with him. Believe it or not, that would have been healing for me. That would make me feel like "I'm not the crazy one." But to this day, he "has done no wrong." Watching these videos and reading online, you learn it's EXTREMELY rare to meet someone who acknowledges their narcissism and find help for it. All I ask now is, try to change. Try hard. From someone who was abused by a Narcissist, CHANGE! life will be better for you and it will be better for everyone else. Seek out therapy/medication! I want you to be a person that helps those who are abused! Don't be the abuser anymore. The choice is yours.
Dr. Ramani, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for addressing the overlay with OCPD and NPD. this is my stbx to a tee! OCPD isn't talked about enough in the mental health world, so thank you for being a voice of education and wisdom.
@@tootienottoofruitie1726 I do,I just haven't heard or seen a complete list of everything I've been experiencing. Dr. Ramini has it down. She knows what she's talking about. I can't imagine the experience that she's had to have in her line of work. So glad(an understatement) I found her channel.
Wow. This makes so much sense when it comes to my grandfather. I loved him very much but I also observed a lot of this that wasn’t directed at me but rather my parents, aunt, and uncle. And when my grandmother would sneak me money at times (she was a saint) she would always say “don’t tell your grandfather” Thank you Doctor Ramani ❤️
I agree, I would have made so many better choices. Unfortunately I didn't really know the true meaning of what narcissism entails. I definitely wouldn't have tried so hard to "fix" more than 1 ☹. Married 3 times and to probably the worst one! Should have seen the love bombing but didn't know such a thing existed.
I became extremely obsessive during my childhood dealing with my malignant narcissist parent. When you can't control your circumstances, you desperately try to control every aspect of yourself.
I remembered a few months ago, I use to pull my eyelashes and hair out when I was around seven or eight years old. I now understand that was from not being heard and validated as a child, it also was a set up for adult depression & anxiety issues later in life. My dad f*€#ed me up and set me up for all this crap. At least I’m aware of these behaviors and where they stem from. When they come up, it has become an obsession to correct them! 🤦🏽♀️
I found this. I can only describe it as trying to keep each corner of the cardboard box from bursting open at the seam. There was always one or two broken seams (i.e aspects of my life).
@@jennziff3830 - I overheard one of my client’s granddaughters mentioning it, and it made me reflect back to my childhood. I had completely forgot that I use to that. It’s called, trichotillomania. When I mentioned it to a good friend who is a dermatologist, she said plucking gives a release of some kind. I started thinking about kids who cut themselves.
My mom is OCPD, and dad is the "classic" narcissist. You've described my mom here so well. I always have felt like mom had narcissist traits, but they come from a different place, if that makes sense. Thank you for this video. I'm the scapegoat in the family. As you can imagine, childhood was not a good time.
wow, you described my life! mom OCPD dad alcoholic overt narcissist. I was the scapegoat who went through a lot of verbal and physical abuse in childhood. I had been thinking why I was constantly attracted to narcissistic partners and I thought it was due to daddy issues but hell no, I am subconsciously trying to fix my mommy issues.
My "friend" told me "I don't feel comfortable with gifting and the real reason is because I don't want you to think I need to get you anything." How odd. I am just so glad that this toxic relationship ended. She yells at me all the time. Who in the right mind does that. I rest my case.
@@Samrules4ever : Awww. Maybe she’s just trying to tell you in a roundabout way that she’s not into buying gifts for things. I’m like that now myself - it gets out of control after awhile, wasting time, money and energy, and just cut it out. I hate so see people lose friends, so sad.
Good morning Dr. Ramani❤❤ Been binge watching your videos, they have helped me to understand my partner and I. Recently I hit the lowest in my health and lost so much weight, didn't realize I was going through anxiety and depression because of my relationship. Your videos have been my one on one psychological sessions🙏 Now I know my body is just shutting down on me...I did seek health professionals and everything came back normal (blood work, xrays, ultrasounds etc..) It's my relationship causing it😔
yes, our bodies tell the truth and reveal the strain of toxic relationships! the good news is that when we come out of them, our bodies can heal beautifully!
@@Justin.Martyr - 1. Your use of punctuation needs work 2. So does your spelling 3. Blasphemy isn't welcome 4. If you're going to be a cut-and-paste troll, work on #1-3 👍😎
Her screaming on the phone for an hour or hours at the unfortunate customer service worker on the other end because the bank had billed her $10 for this or that transaction.
This is where the DSM shows its limitations. The ICD, which is the standard used pretty much everywhere outside North America, has abolished the old personality disorders and replaced them with a dimensional, spectrum type model which records all the traits a person has, instead of trying to funnel them into different personality disorder silos. The thinking behind it is that it's artificial to split personality disorders into separate diagnoses, when in fact they're often all interrelated and different sides of the same coin. It follows in the kind of thinking pioneered by the famous psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, who believed that Narcissism wasn't a separate personality disorder, but was in fact a coping mechanism for an underlying borderline type personality. The ICD system allows for a much more holistic evaluation of what exactly someone is suffering from.
I feel your painting all ocpd in a negative light & I think you’re being a little general with disorder (ocpd) as there is an anxious type. There are many people with ocpd who don’t bully others, but bully themselves into perfectionism to where they become anxious and it causes procrastination and inability to complete tasks, & those with ocpd who don’t avoid friendships because you they don’t measure up. They are miserly with themselves spending money but throw money into things they deem morally correct, charity, health insurance, spending on family members, spending money to treat friends when they go out, but will wear old clothes because it’s morally correct. They can have Issues delegating tasks because they don’t want backlash for others mistakes ect ect. The compulsion comes from a need to meet one’s own idea of perfectionism, to the point that it hinders their own life, causing stress anxiety, procrastination, inter personal conflict, depression, & anger.
I was diagnosed with ocpd. From childhood I had issues not completing tasks, scraping projects, and losing focus over not completing tasks perfectly, lining up objects and losing sleep over organizing things by Color and size. I was overly accommodating to friends and family to the point of having conflict with others for the sake of family, thinking about what kind of food a friend might like when having them over and making sure the hang out might be satisfactory for them. One example was needing to make a gift for my grandfather, I had to make it up to my standard. I stressed and remade it 7 times. Was anxious about the box I put it in, as a result I ended up being late to his party to buy another “better” box. The week before I was so anxious leading up to this party to have the perfect gift only for him not to open the gift for another 3 days and (he loved it)but I was so scared he was going to hate it and disown me because of it that I couldn’t sleep. I won’t do my laundry until I have the correct amount the Color of dirty for a load of laundry because that’s my “correct way” so I’m not wasting water (miserly). I will however spend money on friends to try to signal that they mean a lot, I will try to find the best gift no matter the cost because that’s my “right way” to give gifts to a friend. As a result I’ve been called a great gift give but the anxiety I put myself through makes me so exhausted, if I can’t find a correct gift I feel anxious and often get scared and will procrastinate by canceling only to give them something a week later.
Agree. I am a natural neatnik, love to clean and minimize my personal possessions. I'm a professional housekeeper and people pay me for it! I just don't like to come home and deep clean so I keep things up all the time. Well, almost...there are two loads of laundry that needs dealt with...
I work with hoarders. There is a huge difference. OCD is like an uncomfortable elephant in the middle of the room. At least in America we buy so much stuff that we need to spend a decent amount of time keeping it up. Get rid of stuff, clean stuff. The rigidity discussed here is on a whole other plane.
@@LisaMiller I love minimalism. It was hard to get rid of things but once I started to do it, I realized how good it felt. It's so easy now and enjoyable. Thanks for doing what you do. I am sure your clients gain a whole new perspective on life.
Wow. So, I just asked for a comparison of these two on the last video because I recognize the similarities between NPD and OCPD and wanted to distinguish them. But I gotta say that it hurts to be on the side of the generalization lol. I’ll take it, as I have OCPD and want to hold myself accountable, but it does feel misunderstood. I do struggle with some of the things mentioned, but the need to control aspects of our lives comes from an anxiety about not being perfect, and a lot of us were expected to be perfect children. That is why we are classified in the anxiety personalities. Many of us hoard information, objects, or money because we feel the need to make perfect decisions about them or it feels like everything will fall apart. This can be difficult for the people around us but we’re not all necessarily assholes because of it. Although some of us may be. We are mainly just rigid as a whole, but individually we’re not always dealing with this classic type of person. There are many subtypes of OCPD. But I do appreciate the classical overlay, thank you for sharing your insight. I’m sure many people have had to endure this type of trauma.
I agree with you she was at times a but simplistic on her analysis, ocpd people are still people with empathy though at times and in some situations with much less than others
I absolutely agree with you, this makes us sound like we're horrible people. We're not mean people. She said some things that I can relate to on here, we are very strict on morals and that is also about doing the right thing. We're not out here trying to hurt people. Everything we do comes from an underlying anxiety to be better, to do better. It is an anxiety disorder.
I think Dr. Ramani nailed it.But I'm sure there are varying degrees of OCPD,like a spectrum.Some may be mild and some may have more of the NPD characteristics.But I do totally agree that OCPD's kind of perfectionism develops to prove to themselves they are not their not- enoughnessess,so to quell their anxiety.The NPD'S perfectionism on the other hand, develops to prove to the world they are not their shame and unworthiness.
Thank you for speaking up because I completely agree. I came here looking for information to learn more about it after a psychiatrist consult on possibly having OCD or OCPD, and I am now regretting it. 🥲
What we all need to remember is these people do not change. You can go on and on thinking of different permutations et cetera but you will never change these people. All you can do if possible is let go and move on.
All this bring backs memories of what I had to endure when I was with my narcissistic ex. At the time I was unaware of what was going on, I felt like it was all my fault now as I inform myself and continue to watch Dr. Ramani coping with it all isn’t as difficult
The OCPD personality style sounds very much like my mother’s personality. She’s especially contemptuous and vengeful. It seemed like a a self-righteous/malignant narcissist style fit her well, and this OCPD style may be an overlay as well.
This is EXACTLY what I've been dealing with for 44 years. I worked out the OCPD first and then the narcissism. It's a deadly combination. It's taken 3 yrs to divorce him and almost £50,000. So thankful to Dr Ramani. She has kept me sane for the last 2 yrs.
26 years......OCPD/ NPD Iv been preparing for 13 years.. its like she has mice running running around in her head. I lived in the basement now for the past 9 months cant sleep in the same bed with it . Look up divorce on youtube and there it is
You just clarified my entire marriage - I ran last year after a decade and just made it out. Thank you for putting words to this particular pattern … clarity doesn’t take away pain but i think I need it to start picking up the pieces. ❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani! There is no treatment for these creatures! Their insatiable needs to control are out of control. (Paradox?) thank you for this very explicit and detailed explanation today! 🙏🕊
Thank u Doc i can not tell u just how much your content has truly helped me just within the past week!!!!!! I wish I found this a lot sooner could have saved me a world of heartbreak. But now I have the tools to cope and heal. 🖤🖤💙 💔 💔 TY SO MUCH I APPRECIATE YOU!!!!!!!
we used to have this spreadsheet with my spouse and every grocery bill went into it. Sometimes we even had to sort "what's ONLY mine" from the bill to make it "fair". To be honest I scripted the spreadsheet myself to calm the nervs, because my spouse would freak out after every shopping trip that it's not fair how much more he pays (again, for freaking groceries, carots and bread and stuff). The sheet did some simple math and show who is in + or - considering to all expenses. I was super careful to always be in plus...
I got diagnosed with OCPD, but I gotta say I'm extremely empathic towards everyone, and I am also not cheap, it's the opposite I feel the need to give, I just calculate it .. for example, when I get my salary, I keep 70% of it for myself, and 30% of it for people who need money and also animals. The 70% of it, I keep 40% of it in the bank and 30% of it to live with and for leasure.. Also I am not controlling, but I prefer if J do things my way. The worst thing I suffer from is inflexibility, it's very frustrating, when it comes to the way I think and to the new things and opportunities in life .. etc it's very hard to adapt. Also, perfectionism and being workaholic. The needs for perfection stops me from doing any task, because I keep wondering if it's the right task to do or not, also the fear of making mistakes .. the fear is so huge. Another thing is blaming myself too much. I fear Karma and I always watch myself if I'm doing something wrong or immoral... 😢 Those are the worst of the things.. with other ones.. hope we get a video about how we get rid of this suffering, or at least lowering its intensity.. 😢 Thanks Dr. ❤
OMG....understanding more...thank you for this! I was married to a controlling partner like this. He was obsessed with controlling money. Made me feel guilty for even buying an air freshener. I once asked him if his money and I were about to fall to the bottom of a lake, which would he save. He said that was an unfair question.
One if my sisters is an extreme hoarder of money (has a LOT of it) and rations food, and everything else, to her children. Went no contact when I realised she was using me as a cash machine.
@@alexbaird2670 weird isn't it, sister is ingratiatingly generous to those with wealth and power while pleading poverty and taking from her children, ex-husbands, and other family members. She believes herself to be more clever, more beautiful, more worthy than anyone else and constantly says so. Narcissistic to her core. Hope your brother has a redeeming quality or two. Never managed to find one in my sister.
i've recently been wondering if i have OCPD... i am 95% certain my dad has it, even though he has never seen a psychologist. it's true that some of the treatment you get from ocpd people can feel like narcissism, but after doing years of personal research on NPD, i don't think that it accurately describes my experience with my dad in childhood. when i discovered OCPD several months ago, a light bulb went off. for the first time, i really saw myself *and* my dad in the diagnostic symptoms. at first it was scary seeing my own reflection in that list, but now i am doing research on how to manage these detrimental behaviors... my perfectionism, workaholic-ism, and need to control has certainly been a major source of arguments with my boyfriend. thank you for this video, Dr. Ramani. I hope to see more videos about OCPD in the future!
Ocd and ocpd are similar, I would look into it if you’re feeling stuck. I went undiagnosed for 25 yrs due to misinformation and stereotypes about the disorder. Its awful
My ex had excessive rules for everything. For example, he controlled thermostat settings(set very cold at all times) and he checked several times daily for our 16 years together to be sure I hadn't changed them. Stove temp not above medium. All pots and pans washed before eating. All garbage and recycling closely screened for any infractions -at one point asked me to throw out my garbage at my workplace as it bothered him so that I used our bin. Asked me not to shower after 8pm. So many rules and such hostility if rules broken. Never appreciative and impossible to please.
My partner currently turns off all of the electric switches in the house and any lights in rooms that aren’t being used. He comes home from work at 10pm leaves at 8am works 6days and then expects me to Stay up and chat when he arrives home because he’s not seen anyone all day 😢
this is the depiction of a character in a novel or in a movie. People like the ones you describe are almost unreal. I don't question the diagnosis and the existence of OCPD, but the fact that you can describe the personality of an individual with a scheme. I have obsessive traits too, I'm addicted to work and study, I have difficulties espressing my emotions, but I'm empathetic too, and I was a victim once. My family was very cold with me and never gave any love. I was expected to be perfect in every thing. But I went through psychoterapy and I'm a better now: nevertheless my obsessions are the way I cope with emotions and reality. I couldn't let them away, withouth feeling a void inside me.
Every time I watch a video for dr.Romani about a disorder I feel that the symptoms are applied to me!! Like this video except the money and self righteousness things, I guess when you spend too much time with TOXIC people you'll stop being able to say who is the toxic one
Wow, yes. I can relate to this. Maybe it's part of the traumabond? As if we can hardly believe we aren't them? Or we can't really believe they are that bad? And we do try to selfreflect? I don't know, it's very confusing!!
@@Picca65 I don't really know, for me I think it's a way of surviving, like instead of being killed by the poison I turned to be the poison, or maybe I'm the poison from the beginning, as you said, it's really confusing
@@cranberryjuice1304 I can see that as well. My mum is the only person in the world i really have to lie to. I don't want to, but I am not safe when I don't. But with my ex I became manipulative not only towards him, but to others as well. It took me a couple of years to controll that. I am now pretty much back to the person I used to be before. But I had to choose to break out of that pattern. Healing can be done if you aren't a real narcissist. You sind like you do selfreflect, that's a great start. Keep pushing yourself to become healthy 🧡 Edit: I read somewhere that this confusion can be part of healing.
@@Picca65 I'm happy for you and I hope you get more and more better💙 actually I don't have the time or the suitable knowledge to help myself healing, so I'll just stay in my shell causing no harm 😂🤝🏻
@@cranberryjuice1304 I bingewatched this channel and all the videos of dr Les Carter to gain knowledge. That already helped me a lot. I follow some interesting people on Instagram, Nate Postlethwait is my favorite. Don't hide yourself. You are worth living!! 🧡
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your gifts with us Dr Ramani. Your personal journey and the way you share it is such a blessing to me, thank you so much🫂💜✨
Sounds like you are describing Martha Stewart. My husband was miserly with money, control, and overwork. He would spend most of his time at work, unless there was something he wanted to watch on TV. He never spent time with me or our son.
That was my father and a great part of his kids - expect us who became pleasers. But work and having money is highly valued. i have been sick all my life and therefore they always mock me with their silly work, work. I think they are stupid. Thanks so much for all your help, first my divorce and now my difficult family. It means a mountain to me.
I’m OCPD but married to a covert narcissist that took advantage of my workaholic problem. When my Blood pressure became high he said “your health doesn’t matter you just need to work and pay for things for the kids.” It was awful, such an abusive relationship. Currently going through a divorce right now.
I have several severe OCPD tendencies, but I also have a strong belief in the teachings of the Bible (there is a law, but there is grace in Christ). The amount of inner turmoil about sin is insane. Always trying to convince myself that I'm forgiven, loved, everyone makes mistakes, etc., while all the while underneath incapable of not having immense guilt and shame over screwing up again and again. And then there's all the outward projection of those beliefs!
Oh, do I know that behavior. I was with a man with OCPD tendencies. There wasn't 1 thing I could do to make him happy. He was happiest working, & controlling every aspect of the home. I couldn't do anything right in his eyes. It took me 12 years and I finally got away from him. Every penny had to be accounted for and I actually caught him with a ledger tracking every dime I and my 2 sons spent. He controlled EVERYTHING. Presented me with a prenuptial and I threw it in the garbage...oh he raged over that. Glad I'm away from him and his controlling very abusive narcissistic behavours.
OMG this is me and I've inherited it from my narc father😊as far as the discription in the beginning of the video and I say, what the heck is wrong with me... believe me, working on correcting it
This is a great video, thank you always❤ I have a few of those in my life, dad and ex partners, specially with money...so controlling and worried about money, you can't help but to feel like a burden. If they are generous a few times it is just as part of their grandiosity, for them to feel better. So, you are right on everything, they are workaholics, money becomes the center of their life, they do not have a healthy work life balance💔 I feel compassion for them though, it is sad for them and their families.
This one was so needed to help with the syncing up with all this shhhhhhhhh. I ran that game for this person gor 30 years and mom dad before that. This new life without that is SO new
OMG now I finally get it why all his old shoes keep piling up even when he buys a new pair.... Glad that he is moving out soon and all those old shoes go with him....
Being part of a narcissistic ocd family explains certain family members in a occupation of power and controls money. Always watching what my wife and I are spending, even though they don't contribute to any of our financial obligations. Cheap with Healthcare when my inlaws get sick and need a caregiver. Both are retired doctors and always diagnosing themselves, even though tougee doctors that care for them provide the best prognosis to get better.
My whole life has been dictated by a parent with this behavior. The focus was always on getting the job done. Whether work or some volunteer project, as a child and later as an adult, I was last.
I hadn't heard of this before but the overlap of narcissism and OCPD fit my mother and grandmother so well - controlling, rich and super nitpickingly mean. Very miserable-natured people. Ebeneezer Scrooge I'd right on!
I remember buying ricotta cheese occasionally at the grocery store and my dad made a comment about me to my mom saying I had "expensive taste". I really only buy that type of cheese on special occasions like Christmas as a treat. Keep in mind, my dad has an expensive cigarette smoking habit.
Interestingly, my former workplace, an academic department, was dominated by a peculiar pairing: an OCPD and a grandiose, overpowering narcissist (both females). The latter obviously took advantage of the OCPD’s extreme workaholism to set up conditions in which she could manipulate, control and impose her agenda from behind the curtains. The OCPD would do the grandiose narcissist’s bidding and, in fact, all the hard work, as she was rigid, extremely reluctant to delegate and, besides, the grandiose narcissist was outrageously sloppy, lazy and incompetent (though she kept, of course, a facade of competent leadership). At some point, the grandiose narcissist even arranged for her clueless - but self-righteous and power-thirsty - OCPD marionette to become head of department, so that she could dominate through her without having to do any extra work and to take responsibility for decisions... A destructive, horrendous dynamic that completely hollowed out the department and created an environment of fear and secrecy. A nightmare!
I’m only a quarter of the way through this and it’s got me cracking up by all of the relatable stuff you keep bringing up 😂 I’m only just accepting the fact I have this and it’s like light bulb after light bulb moment as I reflect on every example you give. I’m not guilty of all of these, but a lot of them yes. Like the binder example. That stuff is comical. On a more serious note l think one of the difficult parts about the stubbornness is you don’t even realize it, especially when you’re capable of producing an argument that is so logically sound and explained, that if someone else can’t match your point with something equally or more profound logical, you just can’t find it within yourself to accept any other point of view. It’s like a mental block.
This is really enlightening thank you! I come from a narcissistic family, and would LOVE for you to talk about what happens if a person with NPD is married to a person with OCPD
Both my parents seem narcissistic but my mum looks more like she has OCPD. They were in a cult together years ago,, but have also been married since 1983. The longevity of the relationship is what has me confused.
Hi Dr. Ramani! In a previous video you said that narcissistic personality is a very anxious personality style (at the core of it). If OCPD overlaps so much with it, why shouldn't it be categorized as an anxious personality disorder? I have no clue of the actual categories, so sorry if this question doesn't make sense. I know of cluster B but not much more. Thank you!
At 12:07: This reminds me ofcthe first anniversary of the death of my Dear Mother. I remember that day my siblings and my Father travelling far across town in the heavy traffic to have a meal in a busy restaurant in memory of poor Mum, failing to understand that just being at home in a quiet familiar setting was so important on this day of all days and then vilifying me simply because I chose to stay at home on this particular day. It echoes something u said before about how narcs will often do material things for u without actually emotionally connecting with u.....
Dr Ramani. I have been watching you for a while. I found you because I was involved in a situation where I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what. I recently shut down a narcissistic relationship. I am so relieved but I am still having problems ruminating (my new favorite word). I want to just write him a letter to tell him what an a..hole he was, but I know it would never matter. I have now started realizing I was probably raised by narcissistic parents. I still am not sure about my dad. I DO KNOW NOW my mother was a self-righteous narc. She could be such a martyr. I have lots of stories about things that happened growing up some are hilarious and others are horrific. After an huge argument, when I was about 14, she actually said “what would people think of ME if I did not make my daughter go to church”. She didn’t go to church and would never explain why. Her public image was more important than listening and talking to me. She’s been gone about 25 yrs now, but I still remember how WIERD she was , now I know she was just a narcissist. Thank you so much for bringing this awareness and knowledge into my life
Wow Dr. Ramani! Thank you for opening our eyes and your incredible work with these difficult topics! I didn't think that it was possible that shit could become shittier but sounds that's just the case when you described narcissism and OCPD! Your description of a relationship involving a narcissist and an OCPD individual reminded me of an earlier clip of yours describing a cage fight (e.g. 2 narcissists in a relationship) or 2 three year olds playing at a table with themselves but not with each other! Wow! LOL. Sounds like a pure relationship from the BOWELS OF HELL!
This OCPD/Narcissism comorbidity is what I go through with a manager at work. Controlling, entitled, self-righteous, low empathy, and also manipulative, projecting his own weaknesses on others, and incredibly territorial and treats me like he owns me. Even though I have worked there longer than he has. He is deferential upwards and abusive downwards. Grey Rocking was a huge step one. Letting go of rumination has been a big step two, and not taking it personally is becoming more important. I LOVE my job/career and he's got about 4 years left before he retires. I try to fly under the radar, but more importantly is I try to be pleasant, kind, and professional to everyone. As I learn to build my career again, even though I know it upsets him, I kind of hope that he lashes out at me in front of everyone, now that I give him nothing reactive behind closed doors. It would be easier if he weren't OCPD/Narcissistic, but I'm not accepting his shame for him. I'm good without him.
I honestly thought Dr. Ramani was misrepresenting obsessesive compulsive personality disorder for entertainment and I can admit, it is funny the way she presents it but then while re-watching the video I noticed something. 3:38 "its a very foolishly named disorder but we're sort of stuck with it". Most psychologists are aware that they don't understand OCPD but Dr. Ramani seems to be blissfully ignorant to the fact that she doesn't understand that disorder.
“We should not judge people by their peak of excellence; but by the distance they have traveled from the point where they started.”
- Henry Ward Beecher
Amen
I wish we all lived by this in the western hemisphere 😔
This is off topic but I'm divorcing a narcissist at the moment and I wanted to let you know what a lifeline your content has been--your videos and your books. I'm not sure I'd be coping without them.
👍💪
Syntheticfluff same here! Dr Ramani’s and Dr Carter’s videos saved my life. My hubby deserted me 3 times and this time divorcing me. After 37 yrs of marriage, no kids, up and left 1 day after my mother’s funeral, no goodbye, didn’t know he wasn’t coming back. I took care of my mom for 10 years, she died last June at 106-1/2 yrs old. He left a day later. Like leaving me for dead.
@@elcee7800 stay strong, you are responsible for yourself. At least we are not treating someone badly. Everything has a reason, some we understand and a lot are still unresolved. But watching dr videos are evidence of clarity that u understand your relationship.
@@pa2359 Yes and thank you Pakeeza.
I agree!👍🏼💯She is an Angel! And a life-Saver! 💗👍🏼🙏🏻🕊🌹
Wow this is my dad word by word! Rigid miserly stubborn workaholic judgemental keeping financial matters secret orderly controlling Self righteous perfectionist, bad at gratitude rules schedules everything!!
He never spent money on fun. When I was 13 my father told me that he doesn't need people in his life. I was so confused. My dad threatened my mother that he will never pay support.
Thank you Dr Ramani! 🌺 How were you able to describe my father in such uncanny detail!
Poor you, I dreamt about mine the other night, he'd been a dead beat dad in life and I was stuck alone with malignant mom, in my dream he said he lived in Hawaii 🏄 (that would have been a lie as he wouldn't have been able to afford that) and when I asked why I didn't know that he replied because he'd dumped me! If nothing else, in real life, he really gave me a head's up on what smucks men could be and it is their job to prepare you for real life! 🙋
Did you inherit from your father?...
coming from a highly authoritarian, religious, emotionally cold family, I developed workaholism and perfectionism early on, as well as self-righteousness (to cover shame). it scares me to think how I could have become more like this personality style if I hadn't 'fallen apart'!
I’m glad you became the sweet person you are instead 🤗
Choice decision. 🙏
Love yourself to pieces as often as you can ✌
Samesies!
I feel this. Same boat 🚤
@@bertzerker747 or maybe 'love yourself to PEACE'! :)
I don’t have OCD but I developed traits after growing up and living with narcissists. They expect perfection from other but not themselves. So after walking on eggshells all my life people thought I was compulsive. I couldn’t relax unless everything was done and done right (their standards). My mom was like a military sargent, but after she left us her house was a pit. I was shocked as much a she rode us and how things had to be done. I have been working on letting myself relax.
After 30 years of no contact, I have made progress but I find myself still being uneasy when I "break the rules". Relaxing with others, watching a movie, going out to eat all seem so wrong and I have to remind myself that it is okay to spend money on myself. I am pretty generous with others but recently a friend with these tendencies really dissed my birthday present, meanwhile, my birthday was only a couple weeks after and she forgot it and never did give me a gift.
From my “past self” - perfectionism is exhausting!👍🏼😉💗
I have OCPD. It has ruined my life, but I'm not a horrible person. I'm very empathic and will help anyone out if I can. My family are very important to me.
I feel that way too, Alice. But we’re all commingled with other traits mixed in which saves most of us. It’s the grand or covert 100% narc I cannot tolerate.
This is my father 100%. He's not only a backseat driver, but also a backseat cook, cleaner, mechanic, etc. Even my athletic achievements in high school were never good enough. My sister ended up becoming a benign/ communal narcissist, and I'm the truth teller with mild OCD who is having to learn boundaries for the first time. This channel has been such a blessing, and I can finally put these things into words.
Wow. This is exactly what I dealt with - Covert Narcissism and OSPD. Exhausting combo. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Very exhausting
Yes, it is exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally.
Same here from a sibling
Me too!
Such a difficult,draining combo!
Dr Ramani, You are my lighthouse! Thank you!!! 🙏❤
Holy cow!!!! I found it... this video is incredible... and the one I have been waiting for. Wow!
Wished that there was a like twice button on this one. Spot on of my mother.
Mine too.. so self righteous
🤣The miserly bit and the financialcontrol, my ex-husband to a tee!! He would brag to everyone about his extreme wealth, tell them about how generous he is with my monthly allowance. Never once disclosed that I had to ask his permission and tell him the cost before buying anything for myself. So happy I left him 😌
The best decision of your life!
Every time we went food shopping was a nightmare. I wasn't allowed to go over 65.00 for a weeks groceries for 2 adults, a teenage son and a dog. If I went over. He'd yell at me at checkout saying Why So Much??? I even clipped coupons every week and kept my receipts for a year to tally up how much I saved, anywhere from 500 to 700 a year! But when I showed him, he barely acknowledged it. Since my divorce 11 years ago, I won't ever use a coupon again, and if I want to buy cashew nuts for 10.00...I'll buy them!!!
@@summydots the second best to be sure!
@@8solangethe freedom must make those nuts taste soooooo good!! 😁
This is so far one of the worst personality if they still won’t stop even though your on your own grave. Prayers to people who are in this type of relationship.
Cold, controlling, self righteous, judgmental, emotionally/physically abusive, gaslighting was my childhood. No money was had, but I no if there was, that would b used as a manipulation - the language of narcissism
Very well said my friend!!!
OCPD narcs get worse with age...their stinginess isolates them from the world.
I agree, only after watching dr. ramani and grande did I recount many friendships with narcissists. dr. ramani is so expert at explaining complex concepts. even though I have a BA in psychology from a good school, we were never taught these personality complexes. We were taught alot about behaviorism, cognitive science, social psychology and neuroscience - but never taught about psychopathy or narcissism.
Thank you for sharing this as my mom has OCPD, she is 78 and it is really really really bad. I almost can’t talk to her. It’s hard because I have a newborn and need her help :(
i feel bad for them :(
It’s true. I’ve only now discovered I may well have OCPD. I’m 50 now (2023) and my anger over peoples lack of devotion and values, my workaholic tendencies, cheap attitude, lack of empathy is worse than ever. I’.m a schmuck, a hardwired schmuck.
Can I just say futuristica thank you. Seriously thank you for acknowledging you have this. My father is. Narcissist and I grew up in a angry/traumatic household. In my 20s I desperately wanted him to at least acknowledge there was something psychologically wrong with him. Believe it or not, that would have been healing for me. That would make me feel like "I'm not the crazy one." But to this day, he "has done no wrong."
Watching these videos and reading online, you learn it's EXTREMELY rare to meet someone who acknowledges their narcissism and find help for it.
All I ask now is, try to change. Try hard. From someone who was abused by a Narcissist, CHANGE! life will be better for you and it will be better for everyone else.
Seek out therapy/medication! I want you to be a person that helps those who are abused! Don't be the abuser anymore. The choice is yours.
Dr. Ramani, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for addressing the overlay with OCPD and NPD. this is my stbx to a tee! OCPD isn't talked about enough in the mental health world, so thank you for being a voice of education and wisdom.
I can't believe how much this is describing my husband
Same!
Is he an accountant
I feel sorry for your husband and all men married to predators like you.
Hallie.... believe it... this is sooooo common these days... quite every day and everyone ❗😊
@@tootienottoofruitie1726 I do,I just haven't heard or seen a complete list of everything I've been experiencing. Dr. Ramini has it down. She knows what she's talking about. I can't imagine the experience that she's had to have in her line of work. So glad(an understatement) I found her channel.
Wow. This makes so much sense when it comes to my grandfather. I loved him very much but I also observed a lot of this that wasn’t directed at me but rather my parents, aunt, and uncle. And when my grandmother would sneak me money at times (she was a saint) she would always say “don’t tell your grandfather” Thank you Doctor Ramani ❤️
I wish I would have had these videos as a young adult. So many questions have been answered and so much of my guilt has been relieved. Thank you❤️
*BAD THINGS, OnLy HaPPen to those who ReJest LORD JESUS!!!!*
I agree, I would have made so many better choices. Unfortunately I didn't really know the true meaning of what narcissism entails. I definitely wouldn't have tried so hard to "fix" more than 1 ☹. Married 3 times and to probably the worst one! Should have seen the love bombing but didn't know such a thing existed.
Wow!!!!! Well put!
@@jennziff3830 *THANK YOU, for your UP Vote!!!!*
I became extremely obsessive during my childhood dealing with my malignant narcissist parent. When you can't control your circumstances, you desperately try to control every aspect of yourself.
Same!!!
I remembered a few months ago, I use to pull my eyelashes and hair out when I was around seven or eight years old.
I now understand that was from not being heard and validated as a child, it also was a set up for adult depression & anxiety issues later in life.
My dad f*€#ed me up and set me up for all this crap. At least I’m aware of these behaviors and where they stem from. When they come up, it has become an obsession to correct them! 🤦🏽♀️
@@Red_Tiger_Eye I used 2 pull out my eyelashes too as a child!!! Nice 2 know i am not the only 1.
I found this. I can only describe it as trying to keep each corner of the cardboard box from bursting open at the seam. There was always one or two broken seams (i.e aspects of my life).
@@jennziff3830 - I overheard one of my client’s granddaughters mentioning it, and it made me reflect back to my childhood. I had completely forgot that I use to that. It’s called, trichotillomania.
When I mentioned it to a good friend who is a dermatologist, she said plucking gives a release of some kind. I started thinking about kids who cut themselves.
My mom is OCPD, and dad is the "classic" narcissist. You've described my mom here so well. I always have felt like mom had narcissist traits, but they come from a different place, if that makes sense. Thank you for this video. I'm the scapegoat in the family. As you can imagine, childhood was not a good time.
wow, you described my life! mom OCPD dad alcoholic overt narcissist. I was the scapegoat who went through a lot of verbal and physical abuse in childhood. I had been thinking why I was constantly attracted to narcissistic partners and I thought it was due to daddy issues but hell no, I am subconsciously trying to fix my mommy issues.
Wow this explains a lot of how my ex runs our business 🤦♀️he never wanted me to learn more than him🤷♀️very very controlling 🤨thanks doc 💐🙏
Yes, this is the puzzle piece. Thank you for explaining this. Powerful. It all applies.
My "friend" told me "I don't feel comfortable with gifting and the real reason is because I don't want you to think I need to get you anything." How odd. I am just so glad that this toxic relationship ended. She yells at me all the time. Who in the right mind does that. I rest my case.
Funny! Sorry, but- funny! 😆🤭
@@elcee7800 She is a vet. And of course, I never expected a gift back. But how strange to hear that.
@@Samrules4ever : Awww. Maybe she’s just trying to tell you in a roundabout way that she’s not into buying gifts for things. I’m like that now myself - it gets out of control after awhile, wasting time, money and energy, and just cut it out. I hate so see people lose friends, so sad.
Yup, perfectionism to protect oneself and mitigate the guilt laden comments that “you did it wrong again”.
Putting your face on social media for all to see. Talk about narcissism.
And yet, ironically, it's the very perfectionism of that person that makes them BE EVEN MORE WRONG, right there.
Clearly the "perfectionist " has gone off the deep end to become a nutjob. Like I tried telling my OC-PD person: BEND. BEND! BEND!
Good morning Dr. Ramani❤❤ Been binge watching your videos, they have helped me to understand my partner and I. Recently I hit the lowest in my health and lost so much weight, didn't realize I was going through anxiety and depression because of my relationship. Your videos have been my one on one psychological sessions🙏 Now I know my body is just shutting down on me...I did seek health professionals and everything came back normal (blood work, xrays, ultrasounds etc..) It's my relationship causing it😔
yes, our bodies tell the truth and reveal the strain of toxic relationships! the good news is that when we come out of them, our bodies can heal beautifully!
*BAD THINGS, OnLy HaPPen to those who ReJest LORD JESUS!!!!*
@@Justin.Martyr -
1. Your use of punctuation needs work
2. So does your spelling
3. Blasphemy isn't welcome
4. If you're going to be a cut-and-paste troll, work on #1-3
👍😎
@@Justin.Martyr bs
@@devidaughter7782 🙏Yes absolutely! Realizing the toxicity is the first step to the healing process🙏
"The jacket is from 1960's and it smells like mothballs and mildew." 😂😂😂 Dr. Ramani cracks me up!!
So True, wearing it with Holes in the clothing, shoes, etc. Very embarrassing.
@@wildhorses6817 😂
😂🤣I laughed so hard at that! She “Gets It” ALL & is sooo funny with it! Gotta keep our senses of humor to stay sane!😉
hey. I have holes in the top side of my tennis shoes but the sokes are still good. just sayin. lol
I almost feel as though, for the first time in my life I’ve met someone that I can trust. Thanks for being a mentor and wonderful teacher. 🙏
Think of the term "consistently inconsistent"
Very well put!!!! Ty!
@@jennziff3830thank you and you're welcome
That’s me.
This is my recent ex bf. Cries broke even when he has lots of money. Still gets mommy to send money to him.
Thank you for putting these subjects together this month!
Her screaming on the phone for an hour or hours at the unfortunate customer service worker on the other end because the bank had billed her $10 for this or that transaction.
This is where the DSM shows its limitations. The ICD, which is the standard used pretty much everywhere outside North America, has abolished the old personality disorders and replaced them with a dimensional, spectrum type model which records all the traits a person has, instead of trying to funnel them into different personality disorder silos. The thinking behind it is that it's artificial to split personality disorders into separate diagnoses, when in fact they're often all interrelated and different sides of the same coin. It follows in the kind of thinking pioneered by the famous psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, who believed that Narcissism wasn't a separate personality disorder, but was in fact a coping mechanism for an underlying borderline type personality. The ICD system allows for a much more holistic evaluation of what exactly someone is suffering from.
That makes sense to me, comorbidity seems to be the case for a number of people and things.
I feel your painting all ocpd in a negative light & I think you’re being a little general with disorder (ocpd) as there is an anxious type. There are many people with ocpd who don’t bully others, but bully themselves into perfectionism to where they become anxious and it causes procrastination and inability to complete tasks, & those with ocpd who don’t avoid friendships because you they don’t measure up. They are miserly with themselves spending money but throw money into things they deem morally correct, charity, health insurance, spending on family members, spending money to treat friends when they go out, but will wear old clothes because it’s morally correct. They can have Issues delegating tasks because they don’t want backlash for others mistakes ect ect. The compulsion comes from a need to meet one’s own idea of perfectionism, to the point that it hinders their own life, causing stress anxiety, procrastination, inter personal conflict, depression, & anger.
I was diagnosed with ocpd. From childhood I had issues not completing tasks, scraping projects, and losing focus over not completing tasks perfectly, lining up objects and losing sleep over organizing things by Color and size. I was overly accommodating to friends and family to the point of having conflict with others for the sake of family, thinking about what kind of food a friend might like when having them over and making sure the hang out might be satisfactory for them.
One example was needing to make a gift for my grandfather, I had to make it up to my standard. I stressed and remade it 7 times.
Was anxious about the box I put it in, as a result I ended up being late to his party to buy another “better” box. The week before I was so anxious leading up to this party to have the perfect gift only for him not to open the gift for another 3 days and (he loved it)but I was so scared he was going to hate it and disown me because of it that I couldn’t sleep.
I won’t do my laundry until I have the correct amount the Color of dirty for a load of laundry because that’s my “correct way” so I’m not wasting water (miserly). I will however spend money on friends to try to signal that they mean a lot, I will try to find the best gift no matter the cost because that’s my “right way” to give gifts to a friend.
As a result I’ve been called a great gift give but the anxiety I put myself through makes me so exhausted, if I can’t find a correct gift I feel anxious and often get scared and will procrastinate by canceling only to give them something a week later.
This is pretty accurate, when I had extra money I would love supporting artists and charities.
I completely agree. Thank you for speaking up about it.
Lord listening to you Doc makes me so grateful to be single and at PEACE... lord this is too much work .. humans lol.
I really appreciate you Dr. Ramani, you're a credit to your profession and a truly lovely individual 💕
I hate how over used OCD is. Wanting a clean home is normal and healthy. People label you OCD just because you vacuum regularly.
I agree. It's especially offensive to those of us who actually do suffer from this mental disease.
Exactly....Its starts to seem like shaming someone from wanting to be in a clean organized environment...
Agree. I am a natural neatnik, love to clean and minimize my personal possessions. I'm a professional housekeeper and people pay me for it! I just don't like to come home and deep clean so I keep things up all the time. Well, almost...there are two loads of laundry that needs dealt with...
I work with hoarders. There is a huge difference. OCD is like an uncomfortable elephant in the middle of the room. At least in America we buy so much stuff that we need to spend a decent amount of time keeping it up. Get rid of stuff, clean stuff. The rigidity discussed here is on a whole other plane.
@@LisaMiller I love minimalism. It was hard to get rid of things but once I started to do it, I realized how good it felt. It's so easy now and enjoyable. Thanks for doing what you do. I am sure your clients gain a whole new perspective on life.
Wow. So, I just asked for a comparison of these two on the last video because I recognize the similarities between NPD and OCPD and wanted to distinguish them. But I gotta say that it hurts to be on the side of the generalization lol. I’ll take it, as I have OCPD and want to hold myself accountable, but it does feel misunderstood. I do struggle with some of the things mentioned, but the need to control aspects of our lives comes from an anxiety about not being perfect, and a lot of us were expected to be perfect children. That is why we are classified in the anxiety personalities. Many of us hoard information, objects, or money because we feel the need to make perfect decisions about them or it feels like everything will fall apart. This can be difficult for the people around us but we’re not all necessarily assholes because of it. Although some of us may be. We are mainly just rigid as a whole, but individually we’re not always dealing with this classic type of person. There are many subtypes of OCPD. But I do appreciate the classical overlay, thank you for sharing your insight. I’m sure many people have had to endure this type of trauma.
I agree with you she was at times a but simplistic on her analysis, ocpd people are still people with empathy though at times and in some situations with much less than others
I absolutely agree with you, this makes us sound like we're horrible people. We're not mean people. She said some things that I can relate to on here, we are very strict on morals and that is also about doing the right thing. We're not out here trying to hurt people. Everything we do comes from an underlying anxiety to be better, to do better. It is an anxiety disorder.
I think Dr. Ramani nailed it.But I'm sure there are varying degrees of OCPD,like a spectrum.Some may be mild and some may
have more of the NPD characteristics.But I do totally agree that OCPD's kind of perfectionism develops to prove to themselves they are not their not-
enoughnessess,so to quell their anxiety.The NPD'S perfectionism on the other hand, develops to prove to the world they are not their shame and unworthiness.
Thank you for speaking up because I completely agree. I came here looking for information to learn more about it after a psychiatrist consult on possibly having OCD or OCPD, and I am now regretting it. 🥲
What we all need to remember is these people do not change. You can go on and on thinking of different permutations et cetera but you will never change these people. All you can do if possible is let go and move on.
All this bring backs memories of what I had to endure when I was with my narcissistic ex. At the time I was unaware of what was going on, I felt like it was all my fault now as I inform myself and continue to watch Dr. Ramani coping with it all isn’t as difficult
The OCPD personality style sounds very much like my mother’s personality. She’s especially contemptuous and vengeful. It seemed like a a self-righteous/malignant narcissist style fit her well, and this OCPD style may be an overlay as well.
This is EXACTLY what I've been dealing with for 44 years. I worked out the OCPD first and then the narcissism. It's a deadly combination. It's taken 3 yrs to divorce him and almost £50,000. So thankful to Dr Ramani. She has kept me sane for the last 2 yrs.
26 years......OCPD/ NPD Iv been preparing for 13 years.. its like she has mice running running around in her head. I lived in the basement now for the past 9 months cant sleep in the same bed with it . Look up divorce on youtube and there it is
Most people confuse the OCPDs controlling ways and being all up in others affairs as CARE.
You just clarified my entire marriage - I ran last year after a decade and just made it out. Thank you for putting words to this particular pattern … clarity doesn’t take away pain but i think I need it to start picking up the pieces. ❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani! There is no treatment for these creatures! Their insatiable needs to control are out of control. (Paradox?) thank you for this very explicit and detailed explanation today! 🙏🕊
I just found out that my dad has OCPD. Probably never going to get a diagnosis since he is that stubborn. Glad you have a video on this Dr. Ramani
Thank u Doc i can not tell u just how much your content has truly helped me just within the past week!!!!!! I wish I found this a lot sooner could have saved me a world of heartbreak. But now I have the tools to cope and heal. 🖤🖤💙 💔 💔 TY SO MUCH I APPRECIATE YOU!!!!!!!
Thank you for the video - reminds me of Kevin Spacey’s character in the movie, Horrible Bosses
Nailed it!
we used to have this spreadsheet with my spouse and every grocery bill went into it. Sometimes we even had to sort "what's ONLY mine" from the bill to make it "fair". To be honest I scripted the spreadsheet myself to calm the nervs, because my spouse would freak out after every shopping trip that it's not fair how much more he pays (again, for freaking groceries, carots and bread and stuff). The sheet did some simple math and show who is in + or - considering to all expenses. I was super careful to always be in plus...
I got diagnosed with OCPD, but I gotta say I'm extremely empathic towards everyone, and I am also not cheap, it's the opposite I feel the need to give, I just calculate it .. for example, when I get my salary, I keep 70% of it for myself, and 30% of it for people who need money and also animals. The 70% of it, I keep 40% of it in the bank and 30% of it to live with and for leasure.. Also I am not controlling, but I prefer if J do things my way.
The worst thing I suffer from is inflexibility, it's very frustrating, when it comes to the way I think and to the new things and opportunities in life .. etc it's very hard to adapt.
Also, perfectionism and being workaholic. The needs for perfection stops me from doing any task, because I keep wondering if it's the right task to do or not, also the fear of making mistakes .. the fear is so huge.
Another thing is blaming myself too much. I fear Karma and I always watch myself if I'm doing something wrong or immoral... 😢
Those are the worst of the things.. with other ones.. hope we get a video about how we get rid of this suffering, or at least lowering its intensity.. 😢 Thanks Dr. ❤
Thank you Dr ramani I wish you were in my state you are beautiful person. With great knowledge. You're beautiful inside and out.
OMG....understanding more...thank you for this! I was married to a controlling partner like this. He was obsessed with controlling money. Made me feel guilty for even buying an air freshener. I once asked him if his money and I were about to fall to the bottom of a lake, which would he save. He said that was an unfair question.
Lol?
One if my sisters is an extreme hoarder of money (has a LOT of it) and rations food, and everything else, to her children. Went no contact when I realised she was using me as a cash machine.
*KAREN*
My brother is a money hoarder as well and extremely stingy. Is more generous to "friends".
@@alexbaird2670 weird isn't it, sister is ingratiatingly generous to those with wealth and power while pleading poverty and taking from her children, ex-husbands, and other family members. She believes herself to be more clever, more beautiful, more worthy than anyone else and constantly says so. Narcissistic to her core. Hope your brother has a redeeming quality or two. Never managed to find one in my sister.
THANK YOU 😊SOOOO MUCH!
i've recently been wondering if i have OCPD... i am 95% certain my dad has it, even though he has never seen a psychologist. it's true that some of the treatment you get from ocpd people can feel like narcissism, but after doing years of personal research on NPD, i don't think that it accurately describes my experience with my dad in childhood. when i discovered OCPD several months ago, a light bulb went off. for the first time, i really saw myself *and* my dad in the diagnostic symptoms. at first it was scary seeing my own reflection in that list, but now i am doing research on how to manage these detrimental behaviors... my perfectionism, workaholic-ism, and need to control has certainly been a major source of arguments with my boyfriend. thank you for this video, Dr. Ramani. I hope to see more videos about OCPD in the future!
Ocd and ocpd are similar, I would look into it if you’re feeling stuck. I went undiagnosed for 25 yrs due to misinformation and stereotypes about the disorder. Its awful
Aahhhhhhhhh this is scary how on point this is with this relationship that just wont seem to ever end!!
My ex had excessive rules for everything. For example, he controlled thermostat settings(set very cold at all times) and he checked several times daily for our 16 years together to be sure I hadn't changed them. Stove temp not above medium. All pots and pans washed before eating. All garbage and recycling closely screened for any infractions -at one point asked me to throw out my garbage at my workplace as it bothered him so that I used our bin. Asked me not to shower after 8pm. So many rules and such hostility if rules broken. Never appreciative and impossible to please.
My partner currently turns off all of the electric switches in the house and any lights in rooms that aren’t being used. He comes home from work at 10pm leaves at 8am works 6days and then expects me to
Stay up and chat when he arrives home because he’s not seen anyone all day 😢
Thank you. I had a boss with these traits, thanks for shedding light on this disorder.
this is the depiction of a character in a novel or in a movie. People like the ones you describe are almost unreal. I don't question the diagnosis and the existence of OCPD, but the fact that you can describe the personality of an individual with a scheme. I have obsessive traits too, I'm addicted to work and study, I have difficulties espressing my emotions, but I'm empathetic too, and I was a victim once. My family was very cold with me and never gave any love. I was expected to be perfect in every thing. But I went through psychoterapy and I'm a better now: nevertheless my obsessions are the way I cope with emotions and reality. I couldn't let them away, withouth feeling a void inside me.
Every time I watch a video for dr.Romani about a disorder I feel that the symptoms are applied to me!! Like this video except the money and self righteousness things, I guess when you spend too much time with TOXIC people you'll stop being able to say who is the toxic one
Wow, yes. I can relate to this. Maybe it's part of the traumabond? As if we can hardly believe we aren't them? Or we can't really believe they are that bad? And we do try to selfreflect? I don't know, it's very confusing!!
@@Picca65 I don't really know, for me I think it's a way of surviving, like instead of being killed by the poison I turned to be the poison, or maybe I'm the poison from the beginning, as you said, it's really confusing
@@cranberryjuice1304 I can see that as well. My mum is the only person in the world i really have to lie to. I don't want to, but I am not safe when I don't. But with my ex I became manipulative not only towards him, but to others as well. It took me a couple of years to controll that. I am now pretty much back to the person I used to be before. But I had to choose to break out of that pattern. Healing can be done if you aren't a real narcissist. You sind like you do selfreflect, that's a great start. Keep pushing yourself to become healthy 🧡
Edit: I read somewhere that this confusion can be part of healing.
@@Picca65 I'm happy for you and I hope you get more and more better💙 actually I don't have the time or the suitable knowledge to help myself healing, so I'll just stay in my shell causing no harm 😂🤝🏻
@@cranberryjuice1304 I bingewatched this channel and all the videos of dr Les Carter to gain knowledge. That already helped me a lot. I follow some interesting people on Instagram, Nate Postlethwait is my favorite. Don't hide yourself. You are worth living!! 🧡
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your gifts with us Dr Ramani. Your personal journey and the way you share it is such a blessing to me, thank you so much🫂💜✨
Sounds like you are describing Martha Stewart. My husband was miserly with money, control, and overwork. He would spend most of his time at work, unless there was something he wanted to watch on TV. He never spent time with me or our son.
Martha Stewart! Love it!
That was my father and a great part of his kids - expect us who became pleasers. But work and having money is highly valued. i have been sick all my life and therefore they always mock me with their silly work, work. I think they are stupid. Thanks so much for all your help, first my divorce and now my difficult family. It means a mountain to me.
I’m OCPD but married to a covert narcissist that took advantage of my workaholic problem. When my Blood pressure became high he said “your health doesn’t matter you just need to work and pay for things for the kids.” It was awful, such an abusive relationship. Currently going through a divorce right now.
Bet that brought your BP down! Not.
I have several severe OCPD tendencies, but I also have a strong belief in the teachings of the Bible (there is a law, but there is grace in Christ). The amount of inner turmoil about sin is insane. Always trying to convince myself that I'm forgiven, loved, everyone makes mistakes, etc., while all the while underneath incapable of not having immense guilt and shame over screwing up again and again.
And then there's all the outward projection of those beliefs!
Hi Doctor Ramani! Can you please cover the intersection of autism and narcissism?
Oh, do I know that behavior. I was with a man with OCPD tendencies. There wasn't 1 thing I could do to make him happy. He was happiest working, & controlling every aspect of the home. I couldn't do anything right in his eyes. It took me 12 years and I finally got away from him. Every penny had to be accounted for and I actually caught him with a ledger tracking every dime I and my 2 sons spent. He controlled EVERYTHING. Presented me with a prenuptial and I threw it in the garbage...oh he raged over that. Glad I'm away from him and his controlling very abusive narcissistic behavours.
OMG this is me and I've inherited it from my narc father😊as far as the discription in the beginning of the video and I say, what the heck is wrong with me... believe me, working on correcting it
Going through a breakup with someone recently diagnosed with OCPD after a 7 year relationship and this is so eye opening.
I'm in a relationship with one now and it's exhausting
This is a great video, thank you always❤ I have a few of those in my life, dad and ex partners, specially with money...so controlling and worried about money, you can't help but to feel like a burden. If they are generous a few times it is just as part of their grandiosity, for them to feel better. So, you are right on everything, they are workaholics, money becomes the center of their life, they do not have a healthy work life balance💔 I feel compassion for them though, it is sad for them and their families.
This video had me rolling on the floor laughing 🤣🤣. This is my answer, everything's so accurate
Wow I know someone just like that right down to the tee.
This one was so needed to help with the syncing up with all this shhhhhhhhh. I ran that game for this person gor 30 years and mom dad before that. This new life without that is SO new
Arguing over EVERY single detail. YEP. 9:35 Extremely relatable.
Yep appearance over empathy with these people. 10:11
Yes, very controlling. 10:37
OMG now I finally get it why all his old shoes keep piling up even when he buys a new pair.... Glad that he is moving out soon and all those old shoes go with him....
🙏🙏🙏🙏❤after 15 years i fineally understand whats wrong with a friend. 🎉
Being part of a narcissistic ocd family explains certain family members in a occupation of power and controls money. Always watching what my wife and I are spending, even though they don't contribute to any of our financial obligations. Cheap with Healthcare when my inlaws get sick and need a caregiver. Both are retired doctors and always diagnosing themselves, even though tougee doctors that care for them provide the best prognosis to get better.
My whole life has been dictated by a parent with this behavior. The focus was always on getting the job done. Whether work or some volunteer project, as a child and later as an adult, I was last.
This sounds like you read my diary growing up. My dad is this type of style, plus the conversationalist. I think these are his two type overlap.
I remember an ex narc co-worker who use to label himself as "I am nearly perfect"...such a sad way to live your life; his life centered around work.
They take all the joy out of life. But, manage to give their two cents- that's all they can afford.
I hadn't heard of this before but the overlap of narcissism and OCPD fit my mother and grandmother so well - controlling, rich and super nitpickingly mean. Very miserable-natured people. Ebeneezer Scrooge I'd right on!
My last boss = "i have ocd, i'm not a narcissist" he got that wrong too!!!
My hubby has 100% of both (narcissist with ocd). Really a double whammy, seriously.
Strength on everyone, Queen Ramani is here to help us and stay on our side! 👑 I finally told wanna be narc hubby to drop his pompous ass voice!
I remember buying ricotta cheese occasionally at the grocery store and my dad made a comment about me to my mom saying I had "expensive taste". I really only buy that type of cheese on special occasions like Christmas as a treat. Keep in mind, my dad has an expensive cigarette smoking habit.
This is my ex & child father to a T! OMG!!!! Thank you.
Interestingly, my former workplace, an academic department, was dominated by a peculiar pairing: an OCPD and a grandiose, overpowering narcissist (both females). The latter obviously took advantage of the OCPD’s extreme workaholism to set up conditions in which she could manipulate, control and impose her agenda from behind the curtains. The OCPD would do the grandiose narcissist’s bidding and, in fact, all the hard work, as she was rigid, extremely reluctant to delegate and, besides, the grandiose narcissist was outrageously sloppy, lazy and incompetent (though she kept, of course, a facade of competent leadership). At some point, the grandiose narcissist even arranged for her clueless - but self-righteous and power-thirsty - OCPD marionette to become head of department, so that she could dominate through her without having to do any extra work and to take responsibility for decisions... A destructive, horrendous dynamic that completely hollowed out the department and created an environment of fear and secrecy. A nightmare!
Yikes. Academics is a world of treachery. My most disordered relatives were and are academics. Horrible people with shiny surfaces.
OCPD describes my husband almost perfectly. I thought it was narciso, but this is much more accurate.
Thank you for adding that the targets develop aspects of this for protection against the N. I was worried about that part in me.
I’m only a quarter of the way through this and it’s got me cracking up by all of the relatable stuff you keep bringing up 😂 I’m only just accepting the fact I have this and it’s like light bulb after light bulb moment as I reflect on every example you give. I’m not guilty of all of these, but a lot of them yes. Like the binder example. That stuff is comical. On a more serious note l think one of the difficult parts about the stubbornness is you don’t even realize it, especially when you’re capable of producing an argument that is so logically sound and explained, that if someone else can’t match your point with something equally or more profound logical, you just can’t find it within yourself to accept any other point of view. It’s like a mental block.
This is really enlightening thank you! I come from a narcissistic family, and would LOVE for you to talk about what happens if a person with NPD is married to a person with OCPD
Both my parents seem narcissistic but my mum looks more like she has OCPD. They were in a cult together years ago,, but have also been married since 1983. The longevity of the relationship is what has me confused.
That’s us: npd + ocpd = omg!!!!!!!!
Hi Dr. Ramani!
In a previous video you said that narcissistic personality is a very anxious personality style (at the core of it). If OCPD overlaps so much with it, why shouldn't it be categorized as an anxious personality disorder?
I have no clue of the actual categories, so sorry if this question doesn't make sense. I know of cluster B but not much more.
Thank you!
Great one Dr.Ramani
At 12:07: This reminds me ofcthe first anniversary of the death of my Dear Mother. I remember that day my siblings and my Father travelling far across town in the heavy traffic to have a meal in a busy restaurant in memory of poor Mum, failing to understand that just being at home in a quiet familiar setting was so important on this day of all days and then vilifying me simply because I chose to stay at home on this particular day. It echoes something u said before about how narcs will often do material things for u without actually emotionally connecting with u.....
Dr Ramani. I have been watching you for a while. I found you because I was involved in a situation where I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what. I recently shut down a narcissistic relationship. I am so relieved but I am still having problems ruminating (my new favorite word). I want to just write him a letter to tell him what an a..hole he was, but I know it would never matter. I have now started realizing I was probably raised by narcissistic parents. I still am not sure about my dad. I DO KNOW NOW my mother was a self-righteous narc. She could be such a martyr. I have lots of stories about things that happened growing up some are hilarious and others are horrific. After an huge argument, when I was about 14, she actually said “what would people think of ME if I did not make my daughter go to church”. She didn’t go to church and would never explain why. Her public image was more important than listening and talking to me. She’s been gone about 25 yrs now, but I still remember how WIERD she was , now I know she was just a narcissist. Thank you so much for bringing this awareness and knowledge into my life
Was with a Narcissistic scum bag for 20 years. Everything u say is spot on & I can addd heaps more. He left 🤣🤣🤣 . Still recovering 8 years on.
Yes, same, Recovery is challenging.
Thank you so much for making this video! This really helps me understand my grandmother who I’ve been living with for 2 years! Big mistake!!
Wow Dr. Ramani! Thank you for opening our eyes and your incredible work with these difficult topics! I didn't think that it was possible that shit could become shittier but sounds that's just the case when you described narcissism and OCPD! Your description of a relationship involving a narcissist and an OCPD individual reminded me of an earlier clip of yours describing a cage fight (e.g. 2 narcissists in a relationship) or 2 three year olds playing at a table with themselves but not with each other! Wow! LOL. Sounds like a pure relationship from the BOWELS OF HELL!
This OCPD/Narcissism comorbidity is what I go through with a manager at work. Controlling, entitled, self-righteous, low empathy, and also manipulative, projecting his own weaknesses on others, and incredibly territorial and treats me like he owns me. Even though I have worked there longer than he has. He is deferential upwards and abusive downwards. Grey Rocking was a huge step one. Letting go of rumination has been a big step two, and not taking it personally is becoming more important. I LOVE my job/career and he's got about 4 years left before he retires. I try to fly under the radar, but more importantly is I try to be pleasant, kind, and professional to everyone. As I learn to build my career again, even though I know it upsets him, I kind of hope that he lashes out at me in front of everyone, now that I give him nothing reactive behind closed doors. It would be easier if he weren't OCPD/Narcissistic, but I'm not accepting his shame for him. I'm good without him.
I honestly thought Dr. Ramani was misrepresenting obsessesive compulsive personality disorder for entertainment and I can admit, it is funny the way she presents it but then while re-watching the video I noticed something.
3:38 "its a very foolishly named disorder but we're sort of stuck with it". Most psychologists are aware that they don't understand OCPD but Dr. Ramani seems to be blissfully ignorant to the fact that she doesn't understand that disorder.