i found that once I identified a person as a toxic narcissist, the first thing I had to work on was to not need anything from that person. Not money, not time, not acceptance, not positive regard, not anything, and really work hard on getting free of those needs. Getting my needs met elsewhere.
You can do that easily when you have not already invested your life and health on the narc, but many of us don’t find out what’s going on until after we are left to pick the pieces, too late for the kind of total freedom you write about.
@@DulceN Agreed. 28 years in. I've been trying to do the "radical acceptance"- and keep trying to think i can live on "the devil you know" premise. Easier said than done, as ya all know, it entails having a completely feeling less relationship with the person you live with. Which, I guess it was already that way on his side anyway. However, with both of us this way, it's just a house 2 people inhabit. When there were still feelings being put out there from my side, it felt like a home at least part of the time. So now the question is: which is gonna be more difficult? Staying with him and living this "lifeless / loveless" life. Or go out on a limb, terrified, and be on my own? Ugh. They both sound terrible. I believe I'm gonna try to slowly get out... somehow acclimating myself to the thought of being alone. Building strength. Move anything of sentimental to me, and whatever i can, discreetly, into a storage unit, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, continue to educate myself daily by listening to Dr. Ramani as well as all the amazing people on here that share their stories and advice in order to try and help others. Thank you again DulceN. Take care.
It’s comments like that to the person who said no family is tough. That is not encouraging or emphatic or compassionate. The person who is hurting is looking for support.
10 Ways To Be More Resistant To Narcissists 1. Own your truths and reality 2:10 2. Stop falling for charisma and charm 3:00 3. Being smart n educated is not a virtue 4:04 4. Don't get snowed by rich and successful people 5:13 5. Watch How They Treat Other People 6:16 6. Learn the narcissist's tells 7:03 7. Become ok with setting boundaries 7:50 8. Dump the enablers 8:46 9. Stop giving second chances 9:46 10. Surround yourself with good people 10:57 11. BONUS - Start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path 12:30 12. BONUS - Have meaning n purpose in life 15:08 Hope this helps everyone……
Grew up with a narc father who people said was handsome and funny and charismatic. Now, if I see someone who is very attractive or very smooth, it freaks me out. I get like physically repulsed.
Walking away helped me realize how little affect they had on my life. They ignored me, weren’t there consistently when I needed them, were cruel, critical, etc. I don’t miss THEM… I miss the familiarity of family & what we COULD have had. I’m MUCH better, now! 🙏🏾🥰💃🏾
Narcissist repellent: love yourself. Really love yourself. Love your personality, love your beliefs, love your new choices and your new friends, love your body. Love all of you deeply, as closely as you can to how much your creator loves you.
Yes!!! The narc wanted me to hate myself and I saw the look of horror in his face when I told him I accept myself as I am and have come home to myself.
So true!! Somehow journaling helps with affirming, "Yes, that messed-up thing really happened." Also, with long-term abuse, we learn to "forget it as fast as we can"-- both the perpetrator and the target deny, minimize and "forget" the ugly incidents until the target can't tolerate it any more.
I decided to treat myself the way I treated him. To support myself the way I supported him and to forgive myself the way that I forgave him. I’m now at a point in my life where I totally accept myself “flaws” and all. Thank you Dr. Raman. I am going through my divorce feeling strong and powerful and no longer traumatized or scared.
Good on you! I truly believe that falling in love with yourself the way you fell in love with the toxic, disordered person is the key to freedom from abuse forever.
Dr. Ramani saved my sanity and gave me strength to get out of the grip of the narcissist physically. Now I am mentally healing and ready to thrive. Thank you - also - for this amazing community. Your comments are so helpful and validating. I am often brought to tears as I read our shared experiences. ♥️ Love you all. ♥️
@Yellow Bird. Yes. Dr. Ramani also saved MY sanity, when I felt that I was on the edge of shattering into pieces. Her validation and empowerment --- literally saved Me. Onward and upwards!!🦸♀️👊
For me, another one of the best ways to release yourself from the grip of the narcissist is to realize how real the abuse you experienced really is. People may demonize you for doing this, but you are never wrong for acknowledging that your narcissistic relationship is unhealthy. It’s better to see an ugly truth, than a false reality. They may say, “Well, life is hard”, but your relationships shouldn’t be.
Why may people demonize you for recognizing family or relationship violence? Nooo!!! But I did hear some words like: Yes, nowadays people don't have the strength and perseverance to stay in relationship. 😬👀🤮 But I knew. I had one friend who understood and this was helpful enough. And I learned who my real friends are, who listen and feel me, and who those are who only parrot their parents' toxic sayings and beliefs.
@@ivana5240 Yeah, if not demonize you for calling out your unhealthy relationship, they will more than likely gaslight you to believe that your perspective of the whole situation is off or something. It’s great that you had a friend to stick by you and help you in those difficult times. It’s always important to surround yourself with the right people😊
This is truly a lonely walk for me, Thank you for the kind words. I am 66 and no longer trust anyone. I love my own company. You have helped me more than you will ever know. Keep up the loving work.
I just read this. and I am so sorry. I understand. I am not married to one. I was raised by one and then encountered many on my life path. Keep trying to heal and understand how they work. The one in my life has been violent so no contact is now my only choice. Best wishes Be well and be safe! @@JulieBullard-zc5gv
Me too, I am going to start going to alanon because they have all recovered from narcs. I have been isolating and it's making me worse. Sending blessings.
My parents are pissed that I watch all of your content. I have become stronger, especially in the current situation I am in. I just need to figure out my next move. Thanks again for all that you do! 💕
I remember my mother getting really pissed that I was on the computer and getting smarter 😂. Do it anyways, and take your power back from them. Be aware that they could be using parental monitoring software on your devices if you're still living with them or left your phone there/ alone. People who are controlling get stalkerish. Good luck with everything 🍀.
Dr Ramani is that therapist for most of us that cannot afford trauma informed therapy or therapy at all due to financial strains . Im still struggling from cPTSD and trying to navigate the trauma almost a year after discard…but these videos validate all of us struggling and I don’t know where a lot of us would be with out Dr Ramani and her compassionate guidance
And where I live, there aren't even that many therapists, let alone great ones! I have been through a few and they are all so wishy washy! It's frustrating.
I'm not divorce from the Narcissist yet, but we are under separate roofs. I have block his phone number and block him from all social media platform. I have also remove most social media apps from my phone. Listening to Dr Ramani for a couple hours a day has help me tremendously. I need to gain some form of emotional stability and strength because I know my divorce will be another battlefield. I have a small child with this person, and I know he isn't going to make it easy for me. He already voice that he would never sign Divorce papers
Yes. I’m three years into escaping a controlling husband after 30 years of being together. I just hope that Dr Ramini can advise the Uk government and change our laws to support the abused rather than the abuser.
My mother's funeral was just yesterday. Today my narcissistic husband 'devalued, and tore apart', all the arrangements my siblings and I had made. He criticized the funeral home, funeral director, cemetery, eulogy, graveside service, even the drive to the cemetery. OMG, No wonder I'm worn out. Thank you for helping me realize why I'm so exhausted. Ugghhh, lots of scary changes coming in my life, but Thank God for you Dr Ramani. I can see a brighter future ahead.
I’m so sorry about your mom and how your husband treated you. Revelation brings an amazing feeling of freedom. Praying for strength and grace for you to take the next steps needed.
I think this is why I am so exhausted mentally even as a kid I was. The rants the rage. It's so, so, so crushing. Like, I literally have been squeezed dry.
They just have to ruin everything. I remember when my dad had a massive heart attack and I didn't know if he was going to make it. He was in the hospital for a month, in very bad shape. I was crying constantly, heart broken, driving back and forth to the hospital every day while trying to take care of my son and my younger siblings. Found out my husband was having an affair with a married coworker the whole time I was going through all this. He blamed me and never showed remorse, though I did get a half assed apology once. Dad pulled through but we lost him five years later. It was two days before Christmas and my husbands entire family was coming to stay which is stressful enough. I asked him to cancel because I couldn't handle the stress of company on top of my grief. Well he acted like I was being over dramatic (invalidating, as usual) and insisted we carry on with plans as usual. So I was trying to grieve my father while shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.. I still can't believe I let him steal my time to grieve away from me. I can't wait to be free of this man. 🙏
35+ years of her abuse. Everything has always been hers.. my car, my bedroom, my house. My you name it. I feel like I was her slave. Not her husband. She rarely worked at any job for long, but spent money like water. No remorse for anything she did or said. She lived for confrontation.
@@marcellusrobinson1465 same here 8yrs I have two kids with him and it’s hard!! Because I give him all of me and he keep hurting me over and over and over again and it hurt so bad
This is all hitting home so hard, been married to a narcissist for 33 years, have been trying to escape and finally did last week, I am a nurse practitioner and I need this so much, I want to survive this man and thrive...so so hard
How’s it going? Learn to recognize and Celebrate every ounce of progress no matter how small it may seem. I left 3 weeks ago and today I celebrate that I told him about a situation I was experiencing in a simple grayrock manner that did not offer any ammunition. I celebrated that I was able to recognize, listen, validate a stranger who is going through abuse. Seeing that light that comes through when a person does not feel crazy about their relationship is something I need to heal myself
Good. I have been gone almost 3 Months , diver e has been final for 1 month. This was the 4th time I have left and it is finally over. Freedom is amazing and these Dr Ramini was so helpful in my “seeing the truth “. 34 years of being married to a narcissist took its tile on me but I am gonna makes it and so are you.
I think when you first leave it can be the hardest part, because you have become so accustomed to putting the narcissist at the center of your focus, you have gotten used to "de-selfing" yourself. So it takes a while to rebuild yourself. Wishing you all good things!
I left my narcissist after things slowed down during the pandemic.I could not see what was happening until my daughter who could see the narcissist asked us all to do an online personality test. He lied and my kids insisted he retake it! The test indicated he was a super narcissist! It was thenI started observing and researching narcissism. I then started to research plan and exited shortly afterwards. At one point we feared our lives. I lived for 15 years in a cage becoming a slave to his needs. He is a public person who every one loves including my family !!! I am. So glad I gave myself a new chance at life!!!!
My dad taught me when someone is toxic in your life, recognize it, don’t blame yourself and ask yourself “is this individual giving me value?” If the answer is no, walk away as quietly as you can. It’s hard but it’s the right move. What’s hard is when someone is intellectual, has surface kindness but rotten at the core. Actions speak volumes. Love you Dr. R! ❤
Surface kindness : I call it fake nice. They pretend to be kind to hook you in, feel guilty if you don’t forgive them their horrific actions - because they seem pleasant for some moments in between … and you wish to see more of the ‘smiles’ and avoid their naked faces without the facade.
Wow, what a wise father you have! My father's behaviour when I was younger contributed to me accepting many things that my narc husband did. As I became more aware of narcissistic abuse I started to see the connection. I have now started to teach my teenage son about toxic relationships and having value for himself. I feel like I must make him wiser.
Dr. Ramani, You saved my life two years ago. When I was suffering from a toxic realationship with a covert narcissist. Thank you God bless you. You are an amazing human being.
How do you stay sane I’ve been married 47 years So much toxicity He turned my children Against me I fought so hard And anger got the best of me I’m dying My soul is ripped apart How do I fix this life This miserable life
Just did this recently! So much healing right now!!! 64 days no contact and this past week I see the light! Anyone going through this, YOU are worth it! Love yourself MORE! YOU GOT THIS!!! 🥰
Yep. My husband is taking care of his mom. He is trying to get me to take care of her. I won't. He wouldn't let me see my friends and family in my home town. Seeing him 3 hours a week is more than enough.
Keep up the press. No contact is a POWERFUL weapon AND shield for you. Take it step by step and move ALL of your focus and energy to self-healing and growth. I have gotten more positive things done in the last five years than I did during the 25 years of marriage. That is because I am no longer using my energy for supporting and/or managing all the drama and CHAOS involved in trying to plan and partner with a narc. It cannot be done. The most you can do is poorly manage THEM and neglect Yourself because all your energy is getting sucked up with impossible partner management! It is total and useless chaos. You will be AMAZED at how your life will upgrade once you get that CHAOS OUT of your orbit. Stay the course, do NOT retreat or look back!
I am a man: when I first tried to find help (this was around 20 years ago) there were only two places in the nation that helped men with abuse. one was in San Francisco; and, I think, the other was on the East Coast. They were both for male against male relatiobship violence. my problem has been that I have not been able to find people who deal with men being abused and women being narcissistic and abusing. I had nothing and I wasn't alone. Videos like yours have been massively important in my healing in the last 7-8 years. More people are learning about narcissism. I'm still learning. I suspect I always will be but I'm here and doing better as I educate and work on myself. I hope everybody else has a better quicker path. Stay strong everyone much love in fact, one love. I'm getting better and I work myself every day to maintain and stay mindful and present may be the rest of my life, but I'm healing and working on me.
If you suspect that any relative (even a parent) or friend is a narcissist, separate your finances. Do not join in with them on anything. I learned this lesson the hard way. No-contact has been my survival.
Strategies that are helping me get stronger: Listening to Dr Ramani at least once a day (so I know Im not crazy). Therapy every 2 weeks with an outstanding therapist. Reading about narcissism particularly Dr. Ramani’s new book and books on maternal narcissism. Journaling daily. Occasionally watching mindless hallmark movies to let my mind rest. Having TRUE friends who care and have similar experiences. Distancing from the flying monkeys, enablers, and the narcissists using gray rock and soul distancing (still a work in progress). When I feel sad about it I let myself cry and hug my dog. I remind myself that oddly some of the severe narcissist boyfriend stuff had a positive side because it helped open my eyes to a lifetime of narcissism and become SMART about it all and stronger (being grateful for the bad stuff). Distancing myself from the waves of feelings and taking a perspective that lets me not be engulfed in it but still aware and honoring it. Also I’m not giving up hope that now that I know not to fall for those dazzling charming men that treat me like a queen until I’m snared - now I can find a normal person and actuallly have a healthy boring relationship with a regular guy. All this and I”m 67 years old - it took me a while. Smile😊
May I find your strength to leave.... I'm happy for you. I'm 54 and have been with this man for 28 years. I like my alone time, but not enough to be alone 24/7. I'm afraid I'm to old to be desired by anyone else. You're 67, and you did it:) I love your strength... thank you.
Too tired tonight. I just want to say to those who are hurting. It gets better. It really really does. Even for you it will. You aren’t a special case with a special situation where you are doomed to feel this way forever. If you put the work in, you will see the results. Study study study, and then emotionally integrate what youve learned. Its all in you. Always was always has been and always will be. They can never take that from you.
Dr Ramani, you are the first professional that calls out those who use their education and success to expect people to see them as kind, and that feel entitled ... that I know of.
Healing is a process and I'm learning to renew my mind. No more feeling guilty-self-blame- failure all at the same time. I realize how overwhelmed and unnerved I felt. Now I can breathe, walk freely and learn who I am. I'm discovering ME at 53 years young. Jesus Christ is a living healing loving God and he saved my life. I thank him each day for delivering me from the evil that was hiding inside my husband. It's been 9 months since he was arrested for aggravated assault on me. I'm still seeing a Neurologist and more physical therapy. My eye sight is getting better. Dr. Ramani videos helped me move out of the brain fog and left the state of Georgia!!! I'm looking at farmland walking around the rolling hills of Kansas. This channel and Jesus Christ himself have helped me move forward to a new beginning.
I found myself crying in Walgreens while picking out a birthday card for a family member. Reading through all the loving sentiments, I realized I will never have that with my narcissistic husband who I recently separated from. The grief is heavy. 😢
I'm so afraid of the grief you're speaking of. That's why I'm still here. Isn't the reality though, that I'm already grieving, with the person right there in front of me? I know what I NEED to do... ita just a matter of doing it. Your story gives me strength. Bless you and stay strong!
I had the same epiphany I asked myself can I deal with this person's behaviour for the next 20-30yrs the answer was no, and that's when the worm turned.
Yes 🙌🏻 I asked myself this. Then I realised, with help from a counsellor that it’s not really about them. It was about me and my fear that I would be alone and not able to form new (healthy) relationships. This past year I have grown and I have cut them off and blocked them on everything. I finally realise I deserve better
I cry at simple things like eye contact and a hand touch, little meaningful gestures between two people (character roles) who love each other , regardless of the reason, when that chemistry is so real that I can feel it~~see it. It hits me hard. Thank you Dr. Ramani. This video is so valuable to healing. I am 66 and I am walking through this kind of grief holding onto your teachings and your sharing ❣️
Yes. I watched Where the crawdads sing. Loved it! Made me yearn for a person that could really love me. I'm 65...spent my whole life with narcissist. 6 yrs free now, and not interested in any relationships at all. I'm happy by myself. I regret putting my son through a lifetime of narc abuse. He's strong though and knows his father is not capable if love or kindness.
I have the same feelings come up when it comes to making eye contact, or touching another's hand. Those are such intimate moments to me, and make me very uneasy when I am pushed to move faster in a relatively then I like.
This is where I am right now. Been crying a lot lately, getting emotional, tearing up - at the most random things - I’m finally letting my heart soften again from being so hardened and angry - now I’m just an emotional mess still living with him - can’t decide - do I want to live like this for another 20-30 yrs? But feeling the emotions is good and let’s me know I’m healing regardless of daily contact with him. Counseling is helping and adult children support.
I’m about midway through watching this and am thinking that narcissists must feel threatened by you Dr. Ramani, and I hope you have good bodyguards. You’re precious and worth protecting.
❤Being smart is not a virtue. Nor is charisma. Nor is wealth. Nor fame. Soooo true. Virtue is in the *authenticity and decency* of the minutia of every daily interaction.
My husband is 100 % a Narcissist, one thing that I actually dislike is when he Maliciously tries to make me look bad and then he just doesn’t speak to me for long periods of time then he starts talking again out of frustration because he thinks I’m not going to ignore him. I actually Now prefer him not to talk to me because it’s easier for my mental health as it’s short lived.
"Charisma is like heavy perfume or cologne that someone wears when they don't take a shower." From my experience, this is very true. A lot of charismatic people either lack the proficiencies they claim to have or dehumanize those around them.
I am a licensed mental health counselor in Colorado. And I was in the narcissistic relationship for three years. I’m starting together all my resources and just understanding the knowledge that I do have of narcissism so I can help others. It is my life goal to help others who have also experienced a narcissistic relationship. Thank you for sharing all that you do. I am so grateful that I found you while I was healing.❤❤
Now I realize that my mother was a malignant narcissist! Now I understand why and how my father put up with their toxic relationship for 52 years and why he taught his children with good moral values and why he taught us to love, be kind to others and always treat people the way we want to be treated! He also taught us that our word was everything and we had to be the person we professed to be. It's ok if people take advantage one or two times but there comes a point where we can detach and stay detached when people try to continually use and abuse us! Thanks Papa for saving us with your wisdom and guidance❤
I was with a woman for 30 yrs and I always knew there was something really wrong with my partner, I learned what a narcissist was, and then I realised that described my wife; gaslighting, and compulsive lying; she would deny reality she would twist events making me feel I was losing the plot, she isolated me from my friends and I let her, but thankfully I didn't lose them completely. I gave her supply because I was too easygoing until eventually, I started to question my reality, that's when it started to fall apart, she left when I said no more, she had an affair and left, and now I'm dealing with the divorce. My biggest regret is all those lost years and opportunities to grow as a person and succeed.
Our stories are so similar. For all of us they find new supply. Trauma based therapy really helps. Rumi : the wounds are where our new light enters. It’s true.
Hi I’m Mike I’m a new survivor of a narcissistic abusive relationship. I really didn’t understand what I was in until I started watching your videos and I just wanted to say thank you. I’ve just began the grieving process I’m 18 days in. Thank you for educating me and empowering me and giving me the strength courage so I can move forward. Knowing is half the battle. I couldn’t ever put my finger on why the person acted the way they did but now I know exactly why they acted the way they did and it’s helped me move on. Thank you again.
You seem like a great and sweet man, there is much life ahead still without the stress they cause. Their mental illness is not your fault, they act the same way with everyone.
I’ve watched dr Sam Vaknin and yes he is also very good but in the end I personally relate more to dr ramani for her empathy and kindness but definitely yes he is a self proclaimed narc and informative.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for these videos. 3-4 days ago I left my narcissist. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the information from your videos which has given me the courage and confidence I needed. The heart break is very real and would be worse if I believed the toxic person’s opinions about me. I will continue to watch your videos to remind myself that I never deserved the hurtful rhetoric and threats that kept my self from being me and kept me from focusing on what’s important and good for me. I appreciate you.
I'm a 52-year-old man and a 20-year marriage with 16 and 17 year old children. I understand through your videos what is going on and why I have been so confused and suffering so much at trying to make it work. I have an example for every single term that you have talked about in your glossary, dozens for most of them. This video about grief is the hardest hitting. I know I'm going to leave. I have already begun grieving the relationship and knew that I was doing so on a certain day in the gym when I was working out. I tried to put on cheerful songs that I had always liked in the past. Then they start coming up automatically. The song Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie came up and started playing. It was very cheerful at the beginning but I realized it was about people separating. And that wasn't too bad. At a certain point in the song, it gets to where she is singing about childhood on the playground. At this point she talked about the boy holding her hand. It was so idyllic. I realized that I had such hopes for the relationship with my narcissist when it started and for years it did seem to go amazingly. I realized that was gone. Right on the gym floor I was undone. I was crying and I had to leave. I knew many things in just a moment. I knew I would be destroyed if I stayed. I knew that the entirety of it was lost. Your video is helping me so much. You have saved me. We have six other grown children that are out of the house who have progressively become estranged from their mom and tried so many times to reconnect with her. Until now, none of us have known the pathology, I guess you could call it. Perhaps you will save us all. I'll never stop listening. Thank you.
Hug. I don't even listen to my face 80's etc music. & Big girls don't cry yeah was from old group, but idk if I'm the modern newer version. I had to check to recall. That is one thing out of are a few forgotten, but I never forget the evil or things said or done or not done to me.
When I hear the words spoken to me, "You're the only one who understands" or, "You're the only one I can talk to," it's a big red flag that I'm about to be held responsible, and stuck to someone else's issues. It's always dishonest, even when the person talking believes it. No one person can be everything another needs. I certainly can't. They use that need to isolate you, keep you on call and away from your support system. They'll praise you for harming yourself in this way. I have to remind myself in these, "Only one" situations (Lies) that if I died tomorrow, the world would not end, and the narcissist would get someone else to manipulate. I ain't that important. So when I hear, "You're the only one I can depend on" or "The only one who can cook this entire meal," or "The only one who can ...." I know I'm being manipulated and it's time for me to make an exit. As you said, "No," is a complete sentence."
What helped me to be free from my narcissist in the last three years was getting back my self respect and remembering I’m a child of God and I deserve to have a good man ! Also I finally believed I’m good enough on my own without him. Years later when I looked back he isn’t that big a deal after all. I am confident I can do better. Believing in myself gave me the power to stay away from the toxic type of guys.
Absolutely relate. Somehow they make you believe that they are “ a catch” and when you eventually unpack the picture is very different. It’s surreal how people can manipulate your thoughts and beliefs
My ex convinced me I was the problem even though he cheated, lied, used manipulation and was awful to me in general. I went to rehab and met a counselor that from our first session understood me and got through to me that I mattered. Told me how loving, brave, and caring I am. I listened to everything he was telling me and really took it in. Nothing was keeping me from getting well and succeeding except for my own lack of trust in myself. Last 4 years I've been listening to Dr. Ramani as well as doing my talk therapy and healing and growing. I left my ex 9 months ago and it was painful and a relief. I told myself and others I would be taking a year to heal n improve from that relationship and I'm so grateful to my fellow empathic humans ❤ ill be going back to school bc I want to help others especially the women to learn all I have about loving yourself first!!
I found some narcissist abuse survivor support groups on the meet up and met some very interesting and supportive people. Some were even further along in their healing journey. I reconnect with them every couple of weeks, and we discuss specific topics and patterns. We break it down like you do. It forces me to understand this narcissism in a structured format and help myself rather than ruminate.
The biggest thing for me was to stop FEARING him (NARC). Once I overcame this hurdle, I was able to set boundaries, live a much more free existence, & learn to just be myself.
Oh this is actually huge, thank you for sharing. Fear is such a driving factor for a lot of us, and it leads instantly into trauma bond. Definitely something worth working on! Good comment.
One of the last scenes in Robin Williams's movie What Dreams May Come: he is losing his wife and he gives her a list of all of the things he has loved about her throughout their lives, and apologizes for every time he failed her in their marriage. It is so real and I think it hits me because he really sees her and loves her for who she is.
I love listening to Dr. Ramani. Her voice is so calming. She has such a thoughtful and intelligent way of communicating. She speaks slowly and eloquently. Most of all, she's *on point* about these unhealthy relationships. So worth listening to.
@ThePSXHive You're right, but...What if you're trapped? Scenarios: What if you have children and nowhere to go? What if you might lose your children to the narcissist, and you want to protect them? What if you ARE the child, with no extended family? What if the elderly parent controls all the finances of the family and has already 'pre-conditioned' the extended family to be flying monkeys, if ever needed? I realise No Contact is the best method, but, it's not always easy to for people to escape.
@@buffster948 I get it. Stuff happens. You can get stuck. My point(s) pertain to the best method. I've said nothing about any situation in particular. For example, the fact that some people have to (for various reasons) drive anything other than Bugatti doesn't change the fact of Bugatti being one of the best brands of cars out there. Just an example, hope you get my point. Btw, I sort of escaped from the situation of "elderly parent controls all the finances of the family and has already 'pre-conditioned' the extended family to be flying monkeys, if ever needed?". No easy feat, as I had to drop out of college in order to maintain a stable employment that would allow me to maintain freedom from parental expectations. It's not going to be easy or happen for everyone, but if they do find an opening... they should go for it.
@@buffster948 it's not easy to get out. I had a narcissist sibling and my mother died and my father is 78. I go back and forth on taking care of him, and how I should have been protected.
@@McSpaddenator The 'see-saw' of narcissistic abuse...I see people flipping between love and hate..."Oh, he's/she's awful to me, but, I would feel so guilty not to help."...it's not real love, or real hate, I think. It's just the turbulence of the dynamic in these types of relationship...that's my theory, anyway.
Not a movie but a beautiful moment I witnessed between a father and his young daughter of about 12 years old walking down the street yesterday. The daughter stood there in her flowy skirt and the father stood with his hand out hailing a cab looking at his daughter with a proud and empathetic smile. The daughter was just taking in the world and enjoying this moment with the protection and love of her father close by. I started crying.
Once I misplaced my wallet on the street when my daughter was a baby. I went into total panic, mostly over the sh*t storm that awaited from my narcissist husband. I returned to a shop where I found my wallet, it was given to me by the shop keeper, a very kind man who insisted that I, the new mother I was, sat and drank a glass of water to recover from the scare. This small act of kindness - of humanity, made me cry. It still makes my cry to this day. Many years later this video had made me understand it's significance and why it affects me so much and vow to give myself space to grieve. Thank you for this amazing content.
@@katherinekelly5380 Thanks you so much for your week-wishes. I'm indeed in a better place now where what he's going to think is not always my first concern. But it is many years of conditioning, decades, even, raised in a very dysfunctional family, and it is also part of my healing path to be patient with myself and not beat myself up for those times I still revert to my old ways
@@Kat-mq4rf It is so important to be kind to yourself - I have a New Year Resolution that I keep renewing which is to treat myself with same kindness and patience I would show to someone else - it has really helped me silence the negative self talk in my head - I’m glad you are in a better place now - we are all just works in progress 🤗
Being as physically fit and healthy is a good way to deal with these relationships. I’ve been dealing with health issues for a long time now and I’ve seen particular relationships shift in relation to what I thought they were, and has made me question and highlight certain narcissistic traits in a few people close to me (turns out when you don’t have energy to give people attention you get to see what that friendship is really about). Some days I feel a bit defeated and stressed (one on particular is a work relationship). One day last week I felt so low and powerless and anxious. The next day I felt better (I offloaded a lot to my therapist that night and got a much needed good nights sleep). My point being that your mood and energy levels play into how you see these relationships and how much in control of yourself, your thoughts, you are. It’s so important. Easy to let self care slide if you’re overwhelmed. Get active and look after yourself, as a priority.
A narcissist repellant for me is focusing on being grateful for the simple blessings in life - whatever that maybe. Example - solving a problem at work, getting up 1 hr earlier, committing to working out and actually sticking to it. Basically committing to yourself. So I invented this concept for myself called Positive Distractive Activity (PDA) As I get engage in such activity over time, I am learning to recondition my thought-flow and soon enough I feel really good. I love making small achievements daily because it gives you motivation for tomorrow.
My experience in how not to aget ducked in by narcissists: 1) Don't be too accommodating, even in body language. Drop the excess smiling.😊2) Limit your compliments, and before giving them examine whether you're being sincere or schmoozing up. 3) If they drop names of people, places, or things ( e.g. professional degrees) arbitrarily , run! 4) Be harder to get. Don't extend your friendship or kindness to freely. 5) And repeating Dr. Ramani, something that gets me everytime, stay away from enablers ( people who 😊are groupies to charismatic or noxious personalities).
Yes, I have been crying watching Christmas movies. Not all but a few of them. It feels like I am letting something out. The narcissist in my life could ruin every holiday, birthday. He was just negative about everything. I am On my way to healing, feeling good! Thank you for all you do Dr Ramani!
I wasted eight years before the light finally came on. I left in 2020 and went back after a year, foolishly, i know now. Spent two more years in misery.... I left again, recently, this time for good, and this idea of grief over it is real. Im so angry at myself for staying so long, but I feel surprisingly sad. It's definitely a process that I must be in the middle of. You are helping me. Thank you.
My strength was learning about narcissism, going “no contact “and moving forward🦋 Best decision I’ve ever made! 🎉 I am an empath, and my home life was horrible. When I moved out of my house, I thought I was OK. 😅 When I had my next experience with a narcissist, I was done! I’m too old for that crap!I I want to live the rest of my life, happy, joyous, and free!🎉. Yes, I’m grieving, but I’m 65 and at this point in my life, I desire healthy love. After 40+ years , I lost health, all the things you mentioned Yes, I am grieving, but I’m happy and learning Thank you Dr. Ramani for all your help, I sure wish you were closer to me❤ 🦋SURIVOR🦋 with a brand new life.
I am in the process of weaning my N son away and setting boundaries and keeping the boundaries! I own my part in this and now: when I talk to him or rather‘listen’ to him tell me about all his exploits that day or week! I turn most of what he says to give the attention to someone else or I am silent and I limit time on phone! I am hoping he turns to other suppliers and not all just me! Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
You all are empowering to me, I am thankful for Your comments here!! I’m Going on almost 4 years w a narc (and living together) and can no longer sustain. I have no job(I used to work for him) and I don’t have my own income (bc he swayed me I didn’t have to pay bills etc bc he would take care of me. He Gave me a credit card in my name to 1) help rebuild my credit and 2) to control me. If I disagree w him on anything and or set boundaries, he will turn it off and then I have no access to money). He had become a massive turnoff to me with his abusing ways. He points out my faults (which are more bc of him!! And the stress and put downs he does towards me!) to others in front of me in public. Can be friends, family or perfect strangers to me that I am meeting for 1st time. It’s so belittling and I told him he never has my back. He thinks otherwise. I have told him nicely and boldly/firmly that I am done with his act. And he knows I can’t leave rn due to the above mentioned (that, and I will be taking my 5 rescue cats with me-- so that is another deterrent in me getting away from him. Nobody lets you rent hardly anymore bc of pet(s). I have a good friend o could go live with but I really do not want to move away out of state away from my family and friends. And unfortunately I don’t have any options with any of them. The only one is out of state. I have 2 very dear friends in different states I can move to with my cats. But I don’t want to move. 😔😓 Thank you for anyone reading this storybook long comment. Sometimes I just need to vent and am hoping others can be of help of support or can relate so I don’t feel or look crazy. 😔🙏🏽♥️🙏🏽
Honestly, bodybuilding helped me get through so much. I'm now 6 years sober from alcohol and I just left my narcissistic ex in Dec 2022 (married 10 years) after I decided to get back into it. It helps me feel, not just physically stronger, but mentally stronger. It made me realize I can lift more than I think and I am stronger mentally than I thought too. AND finding your videos helped me so much too! Thank you for all you do, Dr. Ramani!
I’ve cleaned up my treadmill and taken out my weights that I haven’t used in about 15 years. I figured I needed my mojo back my health and mental wellness. So happy to read your comment. I am even more resolved to doing this
Me too. It took me realizing that drinking is how I found myself in a relationship with a narc to quit and I haven't thought about drinking since (tried 2x before). I used my drinking as an excuse to excuse her bad behavior. Then slowly found myself drinking, not for fun, but to escape the hell I was in. The narc ex attempted to use the alcohol as a way to get me arrested and drag my name through the dirt. Going to the gym and making a big to do list is a major step in changing your life. Jordan peterson and others have helped me reprogram my mind. One blessing from all of this, is when I ended this relationship it was the first time in my life I actually wanted to be alone and relationshipless. I've been able to accomplish so much and figure out what I want in life. Meeting her was a blessing and a curse.
🥲🙏🏼 your comment really spoke to me, love the correlation between physical pursuits and metal pursuits strengthening together. I just left my covert narc of 7 mths, and he despised body building bc his ex was involved, he used the excuse it was a bad example for his 4 kids, and I was punished by neglect and a devalue/discard each time I attempted to better myself in this way. Going to do it now that im free to grow and evolve. So grateful I saw this comment tonight. Thank you 💖🙏🏼🥲🤗
When I go to school events or birthday parties, I regularly start crying. It reminds me of how I had to learn how to care for myself and most people have people. I love being able to give it to my daughter. My parents were always focused on my narcissist sibling.
I am so so awfully glad that I found you because I recently met someone who seems to be a covert narcissist now. But all thanks to you, even though initially I thought I was in love with him, I realised the truth and did not let him in my life. I am studying to become a psychologist and you inspire me everyday. Thank you so much Dr Ramani.
Keep up the great work! Keep studying. Don't let anybody come between you and your goal or you and your joy. Your future will be filled with folks you'll help in your own way line Dr. Ramani is helping us. So grateful you are pursuing it on behalf of the lives you can effect so positively.
My husband just cut ties with his narc family and is starting the grieving process. When he initially went no contact, the floodgates opened and he started venting about everything he went through. But since then, he's become reserved and doesn't want to talk about it. I'm giving him his time and space as he needs it.
We can share contact if you want to so maybe we can talk about it. Im from Germany and it is hard to find a therapist who really understand what that is.
I haven't had much luck in finding a good therapist either. All three had no good idea on what I needed. The lost one was a Trauma therapist, but he was gaslighting me and kept trying to make me believe my experience wasn't real. I figured out he was a Malignant. He actually lied to me looking into my eyes. I dropped him just after 4 sessions. I just do what Dr. Ramani suggest and it's helping.
@@nomadic_orthodox I had a therapist that tried to tell me that my NM was physically abusing me to make me conform to society. I never went back. I hope you know abuse is abuse and your ex-therapist was Victim Shaming. Did your therapist really believe there's a good way to abuse someone?! What is wrong with these people? It seems Narcissists are now more in the health-care business than they ever was. I had some good therapist in the 90's.
A Dump Journal keeps me going! A reminder of tge toxicity patterns along with my pain. A Compassion Journal ❤️ 💙 💖 Because we all need more compassion in our lives especially after Abuse. A Psychoeducational Journal 📖 🎉 All the relevant materials I need, especially when the gaslight demons rear their ugly heads! Neurobiology keeps me focused & understanding ✨️ 🙏 💯 while building resilience & capacity. 😊
Realizing the roots of my dad and stepmom's behavior is what finally shook me out of this wishful thinking. After not speaking with them for a year, I gave them one last chance to repair our relationship by going to family therapy. Their off-the-cuff, irrational wordsalads and discomfort with genuine connection were difficult to watch. I'm grateful to have had my mom, who showed me what unconditional love was, otherwise I may still be trying to make things work.
Forest Davis...I'm so sorry for all you've been through with your stepmom and your dad and I applaud you for wanting so much to fix the relationship that you offered therapy... but, and really I know I sound awful but you're better off that they didn't go... my experience has been therapy only works when a person is honest and forthcoming about their behavior & narcissists are absolutely unable to do so you would have wasted so much time and money... Forest move forward with the things your mother taught you about love and direct those things at yourself and you will have a wonderful life!
Yes, that is very true survivors of narcissistic abuse. Will cry in most nearly every situation whether it’s dark or light or loving there is emotion in everything 🫶🏽
This is simply what's worked for me personally: completely internalize your self worth. Keep it secret and safe, like treasure, near any narcissists and other high-tension people. Save it for those who treasure you with open kindness and acceptance. I have found that externalizing my self worth even to my own work, created a vicious, even mildly narcissist, self-abuse cycle. Success to me is being at peace with who I am regardless of anything outside of me. The hardest part, for me anyway, was watching a close relative being aware of the Narc but being to financially dependent to escape. Your worth isn't attached to you being able to help others. It is natural, birth-given worth. This is the hardest lesson for me, as school, family, work, etc. taught me otherwise.
For me as a Believer in Christ using His discernment would definitely help me now but I wasn’t walking with the Lord when I married my first abusive husband and then met and married my recent narcissistic husband 39 yrs ago. This whole experience of abuse has brought me much closer to Christ and to depend on Him and yes asking Him to guide me throughout this relationship and use his discernment in the rest of my life
I'm sorry for the abuse you have faced. I truly understand how bad it can be. It's great to hear your faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. In my own opinion and own heart I don't believe Jesus would want to keep you in a life and marriage where you are being abused. He has a better life for you than that.
While my therapist recognized the trauma, she hadn't worked with narcissism. 8 months later, she thanked me for all she learned working with me. She listened. She did call in a colleague to help her with my case, but i would also send my therapist your videos to help explain what I was experiencing, and for her to understand where I was at in certain points of the healing process (i.e., your videos on forgiveness). I'm 1.5 years out. Still ruminating, still grieving, but grateful for my new life. TY Dr. Ramani. ❤️
Hia Dr Ramani 💕I had to listen to you as I am still feeling the grief and I can see it clearly now that it was all fake and I carried for so long I can’t believe I was used and abused! I pray 🙏 for all survivors everywhere!🙏❤️❤️🤗
Former clergy here: THANK YOU for your words on clergy/pastoral counselors. I can tell you from experience that we do not have the training, skills, (oftentimes) legal standing, and goals to be appropriate mental health supports. Generally speaking, I would say that the only clergy remotely qualified to help are going to be people who have been victims of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence. Most of the people I know who have been through this experience have a sense of what their helpful limits are.
OMG. About movie scenes. "Running On Empty" with River Phoenix and Christine Lahti always makes me cry. I've understood a good part of my life by watching that film over and over. A good family is not always about being together. A good family also knows how to let go.
I always tell myself when I am very low that from here it will be only up. And I try think that in week, month or 3 months I would feel better and things will be better. I try put myself together, build myself from the pieces and I look forward for this few months when I will stand stronger and start my life again. And that I wish you believe in yourself, find your strength, you already make first steps now just keep walking.
I’m so sorry. I’m at 25 yrs as well. Such a tough, disheartening place to be. These videos and comments are so helpful and encouraging. But sometimes I get upset when I see others have left and I don’t feel like I can or should and am sitting here wondering what to do next. My adult children understand and support me and all of my sisters and brother. I just need to decide. 😔
@@zibratesmom-giftsforlife8751 right there with you on this. It's so frustrating. I'm frustrated as much with myself, as I am my narc husband. The trauma bond is proving to be to much for me at times... never in million years would I thought I'd ever put up with ANY of this BS. I don't know where "I" went, but I'm trying real hard to figure it out and bring ME back. I hope we are ALL able to find our happy selves again. Everyone deserves to be happy and to feel/be truly loved. Wishing you the best in your future zibratesmom-giftsforlife8751. Sending peace n love .
Yes, I had that euphoric recall a lot. I would forget the abuse at times and get caught up in the trauma and love bombing. Thank God I am not with the narc it has been 4 years. I think about him off and on, but not as much anymore, which just means that I am healing. I give all praises to God for delivering me and setting me free from narcissistic abuse 🙏🏽 🙌🏽
Thanks Dr Ramani ,l am presently a souvivour of narcissistic relationships abuse for 32years and since l have been watching your programs it has help me a lot
My tear jerker scene was not even in a movie. I could not hold back the tears when my pastor was giving a sermon about 1 Cor 1-13. It's the love chapter in the Bible. He just kept talking about hoe love is patient and kind and I just kept thinking about how one of my important relationships is with someone who is not patient or kind, and therefore not loving.
I stopped asking how his day was, if he’s hungry, when he’s going to see me. I stopped questioning his actions, I kept myself busy, I started to picture my life without him, I only reacted when he wanted me to but coldly. I GAVE what I GOT. Slowly but productively realizing that I am now in control. - I faced trauma bond head on knowing it’s my only way to healing. Knowledge is healing. Keep on praying. Always know “you are way better than them” … it’s an addiction and go through withdrawals. It’s worth finding a healthy you. ❤
I grew up in a toxic environment. For me, it's not so much about how to deal with them as it is, how I choose to deal with myself, because at the end of the day, it's my own feelings that I will have to contend with. I want to remain a kind person, one who enjoys connection, laughter and enjoying the things that make me feel like the person I am. If they don't bring out the best in me, then it's a no-brainer. I keep them at a distance. I gray rock the heck out of them and give all the good energy to myself and o those who care about me and those who I can shower with care. That honestly keeps me healthy, body, mind and spirit. Thank you, Doctor R
One way that has been helping me is to pay attention to their actions-- do their actions match their words? Do their pretty smiles match their heart? A lot of times people smile, but then suddenly stab you right in the gut. And yes, definitely trying to pay attention to how they treat OTHER people. I have had friends and partners who treated me well, but they treated other people terribly.
i found that once I identified a person as a toxic narcissist, the first thing I had to work on was to not need anything from that person. Not money, not time, not acceptance, not positive regard, not anything, and really work hard on getting free of those needs. Getting my needs met elsewhere.
Same
You can do that easily when you have not already invested your life and health on the narc, but many of us don’t find out what’s going on until after we are left to pick the pieces, too late for the kind of total freedom you write about.
So dang true
@@DulceN Agreed. 28 years in. I've been trying to do the "radical acceptance"- and keep trying to think i can live on "the devil you know" premise. Easier said than done, as ya all know, it entails having a completely feeling less relationship with the person you live with. Which, I guess it was already that way on his side anyway. However, with both of us this way, it's just a house 2 people inhabit. When there were still feelings being put out there from my side, it felt like a home at least part of the time. So now the question is: which is gonna be more difficult? Staying with him and living this "lifeless /
loveless" life. Or go out on a limb, terrified, and be on my own? Ugh. They both sound terrible. I believe I'm gonna try to slowly get out... somehow acclimating myself to the thought of being alone. Building strength. Move anything of sentimental to me, and whatever i can, discreetly, into a storage unit, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, continue to educate myself daily by listening to Dr. Ramani as well as all the amazing people on here that share their stories and advice in order to try and help others. Thank you again DulceN. Take care.
What if you dnt want him to get over you? I want him to want me and love me. I want him to change. Is something wrong with me?
Once you know, you know. There's no going back.
Letting go isn't really about learning to let go, but realizing that there's nothing left to hold on to.
I feel this statement deeply. It saddens me.
Great though and very true. Sure that it will help me to get over my narcisist ex. Thanks for sharing 😊
Talkin in circles. I like it tho
What a beautiful way to put that, so true ❤
@@nicolesmith923,
yes, but it’s how you look at it,
it’s also liberating ❤
having a strong sense of self worth and value separate from the narcissist is a huge weapon
My heart goes out to all those suffering from this toxic people😭 It is easier said than done especially if you are in a place with no family members.
No family support is really tough. I feel you.
It’s comments like that to the person who said no family is tough. That is not encouraging or emphatic or compassionate. The person who is hurting is looking for support.
😢
Omg its miserable
Try if they Are family, yeeesh!!😊
10 Ways To Be More Resistant To Narcissists
1. Own your truths and reality 2:10
2. Stop falling for charisma and charm 3:00
3. Being smart n educated is not a virtue 4:04
4. Don't get snowed by rich and successful people 5:13
5. Watch How They Treat Other People 6:16
6. Learn the narcissist's tells 7:03
7. Become ok with setting boundaries 7:50
8. Dump the enablers 8:46
9. Stop giving second chances 9:46
10. Surround yourself with good people 10:57
11. BONUS - Start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path 12:30
12. BONUS - Have meaning n purpose in life 15:08
Hope this helps everyone……
Thank you 🙏 😊
Amen ❤
Ty!
@@whendays659 YW ;)
🎉thanks
“Stop falling for charisma ..
, it’s covering something else” the best advise
Grew up with a narc father who people said was handsome and funny and charismatic.
Now, if I see someone who is very attractive or very smooth, it freaks me out. I get like physically repulsed.
Walking away helped me realize how little affect they had on my life. They ignored me, weren’t there consistently when I needed them, were cruel, critical, etc. I don’t miss THEM… I miss the familiarity of family & what we COULD have had. I’m MUCH better, now! 🙏🏾🥰💃🏾
Now you get to create your own family with the friendships you build
If you don't mind me asking... how long were you with that person?
Could of had 😩
Narcissist repellent: love yourself. Really love yourself. Love your personality, love your beliefs, love your new choices and your new friends, love your body. Love all of you deeply, as closely as you can to how much your creator loves you.
I needed this today. Thank you.
Yes!!! The narc wanted me to hate myself and I saw the look of horror in his face when I told him I accept myself as I am and have come home to myself.
Journaling is helpful. It helps you to acknowledge your inner reality and helps against gaslighting.
So true!! Somehow journaling helps with affirming, "Yes, that messed-up thing really happened." Also, with long-term abuse, we learn to "forget it as fast as we can"-- both the perpetrator and the target deny, minimize and "forget" the ugly incidents until the target can't tolerate it any more.
I decided to treat myself the way I treated him. To support myself the way I supported him and to forgive myself the way that I forgave him. I’m now at a point in my life where I totally accept myself “flaws” and all.
Thank you Dr. Raman. I am going through my divorce feeling strong and powerful and no longer traumatized or scared.
I can totally relate
I love that!!!
How beautiful. ❤️👑❤️
A lovely and positive way of facing the future,I will remember and apply this to myself thank you.♥️
Good on you!
I truly believe that falling in love with yourself the way you fell in love with the toxic, disordered person is the key to freedom from abuse forever.
Hang in there !
Dr. Ramani saved my sanity and gave me strength to get out of the grip of the narcissist physically. Now I am mentally healing and ready to thrive. Thank you - also - for this amazing community. Your comments are so helpful and validating. I am often brought to tears as I read our shared experiences. ♥️ Love you all. ♥️
@Yellow Bird - congratulations! Beautiful. I wish you every happiness. :)
@Yellow Bird. Yes. Dr. Ramani also saved MY sanity, when I felt that I was on the edge of shattering into pieces. Her validation and empowerment --- literally saved Me. Onward and upwards!!🦸♀️👊
@@buffster948 /m. 00000000
Same here!
Blessings 🙏❤️
For me, another one of the best ways to release yourself from the grip of the narcissist is to realize how real the abuse you experienced really is. People may demonize you for doing this, but you are never wrong for acknowledging that your narcissistic relationship is unhealthy. It’s better to see an ugly truth, than a false reality. They may say, “Well, life is hard”, but your relationships shouldn’t be.
Why may people demonize you for recognizing family or relationship violence? Nooo!!! But I did hear some words like: Yes, nowadays people don't have the strength and perseverance to stay in relationship. 😬👀🤮 But I knew. I had one friend who understood and this was helpful enough. And I learned who my real friends are, who listen and feel me, and who those are who only parrot their parents' toxic sayings and beliefs.
@@ivana5240 Yeah, if not demonize you for calling out your unhealthy relationship, they will more than likely gaslight you to believe that your perspective of the whole situation is off or something. It’s great that you had a friend to stick by you and help you in those difficult times. It’s always important to surround yourself with the right people😊
Nailed it!
@@ivana5240 y UI y😅yy the
@@ivana5240 h yy it😊hl😊
This is truly a lonely walk for me, Thank you for the kind words. I am 66 and no longer trust anyone. I love my own company. You have helped me more than you will ever know. Keep up the loving work.
I'm 57 and after22 years of marriage finally learning about this.
I feel alone and embarrassed.
I'm stuck and can't get away
As I read through the comments, i actually thought yours was something I wrote. It's exactly where I'm at right now. Best Wishes 🎉
I just read this. and I am so sorry. I understand. I am not married to one. I was raised by one and then encountered many on my life path. Keep trying to heal and understand how they work. The one in my life has been violent so no contact is now my only choice. Best wishes Be well and be safe!
@@JulieBullard-zc5gv
Me too, I am going to start going to alanon because they have all recovered from narcs. I have been isolating and it's making me worse. Sending blessings.
For the NCIS fans, being like Gibbs is the way to go.
My parents are pissed that I watch all of your content. I have become stronger, especially in the current situation I am in. I just need to figure out my next move. Thanks again for all that you do! 💕
I remember my mother getting really pissed that I was on the computer and getting smarter 😂. Do it anyways, and take your power back from them. Be aware that they could be using parental monitoring software on your devices if you're still living with them or left your phone there/ alone. People who are controlling get stalkerish. Good luck with everything 🍀.
My Narc Mother in Law saw Ramani’s book sitting on the table and her face went to disgust. Lol
Take their hate as a sign you are on the right path
Dr Ramani is that therapist for most of us that cannot afford trauma informed therapy or therapy at all due to financial strains . Im still struggling from cPTSD and trying to navigate the trauma almost a year after discard…but these videos validate all of us struggling and I don’t know where a lot of us would be with out Dr Ramani and her compassionate guidance
And where I live, there aren't even that many therapists, let alone great ones! I have been through a few and they are all so wishy washy! It's frustrating.
How much did you suffer?? Physical??
I'm not divorce from the Narcissist yet, but we are under separate roofs. I have block his phone number and block him from all social media platform. I have also remove most social media apps from my phone. Listening to Dr Ramani for a couple hours a day has help me tremendously. I need to gain some form of emotional stability and strength because I know my divorce will be another battlefield. I have a small child with this person, and I know he isn't going to make it easy for me. He already voice that he would never sign Divorce papers
Yes. I’m three years into escaping a controlling husband after 30 years of being together. I just hope that Dr Ramini can advise the Uk government and change our laws to support the abused rather than the abuser.
Yes absolutely. I'm on my husband's medical aid, but I would never use it because he will still have control over me.
My mother's funeral was just yesterday. Today my narcissistic husband 'devalued, and tore apart', all the arrangements my siblings and I had made. He criticized the funeral home, funeral director, cemetery, eulogy, graveside service, even the drive to the cemetery. OMG, No wonder I'm worn out. Thank you for helping me realize why I'm so exhausted. Ugghhh, lots of scary changes coming in my life, but Thank God for you Dr Ramani. I can see a brighter future ahead.
Good luck.
I’m so sorry about your mom and how your husband treated you. Revelation brings an amazing feeling of freedom. Praying for strength and grace for you to take the next steps needed.
@Michelle well done to you
I think this is why I am so exhausted mentally even as a kid I was. The rants the rage. It's so, so, so crushing. Like, I literally have been squeezed dry.
They just have to ruin everything. I remember when my dad had a massive heart attack and I didn't know if he was going to make it. He was in the hospital for a month, in very bad shape. I was crying constantly, heart broken, driving back and forth to the hospital every day while trying to take care of my son and my younger siblings. Found out my husband was having an affair with a married coworker the whole time I was going through all this. He blamed me and never showed remorse, though I did get a half assed apology once.
Dad pulled through but we lost him five years later. It was two days before Christmas and my husbands entire family was coming to stay which is stressful enough. I asked him to cancel because I couldn't handle the stress of company on top of my grief. Well he acted like I was being over dramatic (invalidating, as usual) and insisted we carry on with plans as usual. So I was trying to grieve my father while shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.. I still can't believe I let him steal my time to grieve away from me. I can't wait to be free of this man. 🙏
Don't make excuses for their bad behavior. I did for 29 years!
30 years here, so I feel ya. After so long, we have kids & grandbabies & so much more to lose. It's hard, painful & heartbreaking 💔
35+ years of her abuse. Everything has always been hers.. my car, my bedroom, my house. My you name it. I feel like I was her slave. Not her husband. She rarely worked at any job for long, but spent money like water. No remorse for anything she did or said. She lived for confrontation.
29 here
I haven’t been with mine nearly as long but we do have a kid so it’s so hard to leave
@@marcellusrobinson1465 same here 8yrs I have two kids with him and it’s hard!! Because I give him all of me and he keep hurting me over and over and over again and it hurt so bad
This is all hitting home so hard, been married to a narcissist for 33 years, have been trying to escape and finally did last week, I am a nurse practitioner and I need this so much, I want to survive this man and thrive...so so hard
How’s it going? Learn to recognize and Celebrate every ounce of progress no matter how small it may seem. I left 3 weeks ago and today I celebrate that I told him about a situation I was experiencing in a simple grayrock manner that did not offer any ammunition. I celebrated that I was able to recognize, listen, validate a stranger who is going through abuse. Seeing that light that comes through when a person does not feel crazy about their relationship is something I need to heal myself
Good. I have been gone almost 3
Months , diver e has been final for 1 month. This was the 4th time I have left and it is finally over. Freedom is amazing and these Dr Ramini was so helpful in my “seeing the truth “. 34 years of being married to a narcissist took its tile on me but I am gonna makes it and so are you.
I think when you first leave it can be the hardest part, because you have become so accustomed to putting the narcissist at the center of your focus, you have gotten used to "de-selfing" yourself. So it takes a while to rebuild yourself. Wishing you all good things!
Good luck, I have been married 36 years, with 3 adult children. I am preparing to leave.
I'm rooting for you! Hope you have some supportive people around you. @@suel7609
I left my narcissist after things slowed down during the pandemic.I could not see what was happening until my daughter who could see the narcissist asked us all to do an online personality test. He lied and my kids insisted he retake it! The test indicated he was a super narcissist! It was thenI started observing and researching narcissism. I then started to research plan and exited shortly afterwards.
At one point we feared our lives. I lived for 15 years in a cage becoming a slave to his needs. He is a public person who every one loves including my family !!! I am. So glad I gave myself a new chance at life!!!!
My dad taught me when someone is toxic in your life, recognize it, don’t blame yourself and ask yourself “is this individual giving me value?” If the answer is no, walk away as quietly as you can. It’s hard but it’s the right move.
What’s hard is when someone is intellectual, has surface kindness but rotten at the core. Actions speak volumes. Love you Dr. R! ❤
Wow what a comment u must be a real winner in life
And a very good person
Surface kindness : I call it fake nice. They pretend to be kind to hook you in, feel guilty if you don’t forgive them their horrific actions - because they seem pleasant for some moments in between … and you wish to see more of the ‘smiles’ and avoid their naked faces without the facade.
Your dad is a smart man. Thank you for sharing
Wow, what a wise father you have! My father's behaviour when I was younger contributed to me accepting many things that my narc husband did. As I became more aware of narcissistic abuse I started to see the connection. I have now started to teach my teenage son about toxic relationships and having value for himself. I feel like I must make him wiser.
Dr. Ramani, You saved my life two years ago. When I was suffering from a toxic realationship with a covert narcissist. Thank you God bless you. You are an amazing human being.
Yes you really are a life saver. Your helping me so much.
How do you stay sane
I’ve been married 47 years
So much toxicity
He turned my children
Against me
I fought so hard
And anger got the best of me
I’m dying
My soul is ripped apart
How do I fix this life
This miserable life
She just saved my life today too … :( Thank you so much for sharing this detailed information
❤
Listen then act naturally
Just did this recently! So much healing right now!!! 64 days no contact and this past week I see the light! Anyone going through this, YOU are worth it! Love yourself MORE! YOU GOT THIS!!! 🥰
@@Mon_cur88 You got this! 🥰
I’m in my 2nd week from leaving my husband after 48 years of marriage.
I didn’t know he was a narcissist I just lived it.
Thank you!
Yep. My husband is taking care of his mom. He is trying to get me to take care of her. I won't. He wouldn't let me see my friends and family in my home town. Seeing him 3 hours a week is more than enough.
Keep up the press. No contact is a POWERFUL weapon AND shield for you.
Take it step by step and move ALL of your focus and energy to self-healing and growth.
I have gotten more positive things done in the last five years than I did during the 25 years of marriage. That is because I am no longer using my energy for supporting and/or managing all the drama and CHAOS involved in trying to plan and partner with a narc. It cannot be done.
The most you can do is poorly manage THEM and neglect Yourself because all your energy is getting sucked up with impossible partner management! It is total and useless chaos.
You will be AMAZED at how your life will upgrade once you get that CHAOS OUT of your orbit.
Stay the course, do NOT retreat or look back!
I am a man: when I first tried to find help (this was around 20 years ago) there were only two places in the nation that helped men with abuse.
one was in San Francisco; and, I think, the other was on the East Coast.
They were both for male against male relatiobship violence.
my problem has been that I have not been able to find people who deal with men being abused and women being narcissistic and abusing.
I had nothing and I wasn't alone.
Videos like yours have been massively important in my healing in the last 7-8 years.
More people are learning about narcissism. I'm still learning. I suspect I always will be but I'm here and doing better as I educate and work on myself.
I hope everybody else has a better quicker path. Stay strong everyone much love in fact, one love.
I'm getting better and I work myself every day to maintain and stay mindful and present may be the rest of my life, but I'm healing and working on me.
Have you heard of Dad Surviving Divorce (DSD)? His channel is about men surviving abuse from narcissistic women. ❤
If you suspect that any relative (even a parent) or friend is a narcissist, separate your finances. Do not join in with them on anything. I learned this lesson the hard way. No-contact has been my survival.
Grieving the loss of what/who you believed in is one of the most heartbreaking feeling...
Yes, it certainly is, it took me close to a year☹
It is heartbreaking. Lost hope..but…you are loved!!! And lovable!
Absolutely. I'm grieving.
Forgiving yourself!
Don't put the blame on you.
Strategies that are helping me get stronger: Listening to Dr Ramani at least once a day (so I know Im not crazy). Therapy every 2 weeks with an outstanding therapist. Reading about narcissism particularly Dr. Ramani’s new book and books on maternal narcissism. Journaling daily. Occasionally watching mindless hallmark movies to let my mind rest. Having TRUE friends who care and have similar experiences. Distancing from the flying monkeys, enablers, and the narcissists using gray rock and soul distancing (still a work in progress). When I feel sad about it I let myself cry and hug my dog. I remind myself that oddly some of the severe narcissist boyfriend stuff had a positive side because it helped open my eyes to a lifetime of narcissism and become SMART about it all and stronger (being grateful for the bad stuff). Distancing myself from the waves of feelings and taking a perspective that lets me not be engulfed in it but still aware and honoring it. Also I’m not giving up hope that now that I know not to fall for those dazzling charming men that treat me like a queen until I’m snared - now I can find a normal person and actuallly have a healthy boring relationship with a regular guy. All this and I”m 67 years old - it took me a while. Smile😊
I volunteer every Sunday morning for a few hours. It is very healing .
YES, to all of this! You have such a great capacity to love and be loved! I am excited about your journey! @peacerun
Omg I hear you
May I find your strength to leave.... I'm happy for you. I'm 54 and have been with this man for 28 years. I like my alone time, but not enough to be alone 24/7. I'm afraid I'm to old to be desired by anyone else. You're 67, and you did it:) I love your strength... thank you.
I also listen to Narcdaily on UA-cam...
Too tired tonight. I just want to say to those who are hurting. It gets better. It really really does. Even for you it will. You aren’t a special case with a special situation where you are doomed to feel this way forever. If you put the work in, you will see the results. Study study study, and then emotionally integrate what youve learned. Its all in you. Always was always has been and always will be. They can never take that from you.
Thank you
I appreciate you and feel seen and oddly appreciated/cared for after reading your little note
Dr Ramani, you are the first professional that calls out those who use their education and success to expect people to see them as kind, and that feel entitled ... that I know of.
My ex Narc is a therapist and that is exactly my experience. He used his psychology training to better emotionally abuse me
Healing is a process and I'm learning to renew my mind. No more feeling guilty-self-blame- failure all at the same time.
I realize how overwhelmed and unnerved I felt. Now I can breathe, walk freely and learn who I am. I'm discovering ME at 53 years young.
Jesus Christ is a living healing loving God and he saved my life. I thank him each day for delivering me from the evil that was hiding inside my husband. It's been 9 months since he was arrested for aggravated assault on me. I'm still seeing a Neurologist and more physical therapy. My eye sight is getting better.
Dr. Ramani videos helped me move out of the brain fog and left the state of Georgia!!! I'm looking at farmland walking around the rolling hills of Kansas. This channel and Jesus Christ himself have helped me move forward to a new beginning.
I found myself crying in Walgreens while picking out a birthday card for a family member. Reading through all the loving sentiments, I realized I will never have that with my narcissistic husband who I recently separated from. The grief is heavy. 😢
It really is but keep going… I’m on day two
Omg same with me. I always found myself picking cards that were sort of plain and writing messages that were about the ups and downs, etc. so sad!
I'm so afraid of the grief you're speaking of. That's why I'm still here. Isn't the reality though, that I'm already grieving, with the person right there in front of me? I know what I NEED to do... ita just a matter of doing it. Your story gives me strength. Bless you and stay strong!
More generic cards are needed! Usually find one “Happy Mothers Day” That really all I want.
I can relate to the card selection dilemna!!
The Moment I suddenly realised, 'Why would I WANT to be friends with someone who treated me like that!!'...it ALL STARTED COMING CLEAR!
I had the same epiphany I asked myself can I deal with this person's behaviour for the next 20-30yrs the answer was no, and that's when the worm turned.
Right! It’s always the most minimal bang for the buck (as the saying goes). I simply can’t afford him on any level!
Yes 🙌🏻 I asked myself this. Then I realised, with help from a counsellor that it’s not really about them. It was about me and my fear that I would be alone and not able to form new (healthy) relationships. This past year I have grown and I have cut them off and blocked them on everything. I finally realise I deserve better
I cry at simple things like eye contact and a hand touch, little meaningful gestures between two people (character roles) who love each other , regardless of the reason, when that chemistry is so real that I can feel it~~see it. It hits me hard. Thank you Dr. Ramani. This video is so valuable to healing. I am 66 and I am walking through this kind of grief holding onto your teachings and your sharing ❣️
That’s totally me!
64 here & trying to figure all deez crazy narcs out!!! Should cut em all out at 1st offense!!
Yes. I watched Where the crawdads sing. Loved it! Made me yearn for a person that could really love me. I'm 65...spent my whole life with narcissist. 6 yrs free now, and not interested in any relationships at all. I'm happy by myself. I regret putting my son through a lifetime of narc abuse. He's strong though and knows his father is not capable if love or kindness.
I have the same feelings come up when it comes to making eye contact, or touching another's hand. Those are such intimate moments to me, and make me very uneasy when I am pushed to move faster in a relatively then I like.
This is where I am right now. Been crying a lot lately, getting emotional, tearing up - at the most random things - I’m finally letting my heart soften again from being so hardened and angry - now I’m just an emotional mess still living with him - can’t decide - do I want to live like this for another 20-30 yrs? But feeling the emotions is good and let’s me know I’m healing regardless of daily contact with him. Counseling is helping and adult children support.
I’m about midway through watching this and am thinking that narcissists must feel threatened by you Dr. Ramani, and I hope you have good bodyguards. You’re precious and worth protecting.
I cried listening to her because she was explaining my life.
❤Being smart is not a virtue. Nor is charisma. Nor is wealth. Nor fame. Soooo true. Virtue is in the *authenticity and decency* of the minutia of every daily interaction.
My husband is 100 % a Narcissist, one thing that I actually dislike is when he Maliciously tries to make me look bad and then he just doesn’t speak to me for long periods of time then he starts talking again out of frustration because he thinks I’m not going to ignore him. I actually Now prefer him not to talk to me because it’s easier for my mental health as it’s short lived.
Very Wise !
My story exactly, sending you much love and strength
"Charisma is like heavy perfume or cologne that someone wears when they don't take a shower." From my experience, this is very true. A lot of charismatic people either lack the proficiencies they claim to have or dehumanize those around them.
Videos like this are so validating. I cry the most when I feel validated. Allowing myself to feel the grief.
So true 👌
Me too, I cry when I watch videos like this and allow myself too grief.
I am a licensed mental health counselor in Colorado. And I was in the narcissistic relationship for three years. I’m starting together all my resources and just understanding the knowledge that I do have of narcissism so I can help others. It is my life goal to help others who have also experienced a narcissistic relationship. Thank you for sharing all that you do. I am so grateful that I found you while I was healing.❤❤
…” your wounds are where the light enters you” ahhhh, so wonderful, what a wonderful thing to say.
Now I realize that my mother was a malignant narcissist! Now I understand why and how my father put up with their toxic relationship for 52 years and why he taught his children with good moral values and why he taught us to love, be kind to others and always treat people the way we want to be treated! He also taught us that our word was everything and we had to be the person we professed to be. It's ok if people take advantage one or two times but there comes a point where we can detach and stay detached when people try to continually use and abuse us! Thanks Papa for saving us with your wisdom and guidance❤
I was with a woman for 30 yrs and I always knew there was something really wrong with my partner, I learned what a narcissist was, and then I realised that described my wife; gaslighting, and compulsive lying; she would deny reality she would twist events making me feel I was losing the plot, she isolated me from my friends and I let her, but thankfully I didn't lose them completely. I gave her supply because I was too easygoing until eventually, I started to question my reality, that's when it started to fall apart, she left when I said no more, she had an affair and left, and now I'm dealing with the divorce. My biggest regret is all those lost years and opportunities to grow as a person and succeed.
Story sounds so familiar.
And yet you have grown as a person. That’s seems like some success right there. Kind of know what you mean though.
You have grown and gave yourself a new chance in life, hugs
Our stories are so similar. For all of us they find new supply. Trauma based therapy really helps.
Rumi : the wounds are where our new light enters. It’s true.
I’m so happy 😊
Hi I’m Mike I’m a new survivor of a narcissistic abusive relationship. I really didn’t understand what I was in until I started watching your videos and I just wanted to say thank you. I’ve just began the grieving process I’m 18 days in. Thank you for educating me and empowering me and giving me the strength courage so I can move forward. Knowing is half the battle. I couldn’t ever put my finger on why the person acted the way they did but now I know exactly why they acted the way they did and it’s helped me move on. Thank you again.
Hugs, Dr Sam Vaknin Is also a great reference ⭐ he has great videos for víctims in UA-cam
You seem like a great and sweet man, there is much life ahead still without the stress they cause. Their mental illness is not your fault, they act the same way with everyone.
Hang in there. It’s tough I know but you’re worth it!!! You got captured / chosen because you were good! You definitely deserve better! ❤
That is exactly the issue - understanding the behaviors of personality disorders
I’ve watched dr Sam Vaknin and yes he is also very good but in the end I personally relate more to dr ramani for her empathy and kindness but definitely yes he is a self proclaimed narc and informative.
Thank you 35 years living with someone like this hugs to u for validating me as a person
Thank you Dr. Ramani for these videos. 3-4 days ago I left my narcissist. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the information from your videos which has given me the courage and confidence I needed. The heart break is very real and would be worse if I believed the toxic person’s opinions about me. I will continue to watch your videos to remind myself that I never deserved the hurtful rhetoric and threats that kept my self from being me and kept me from focusing on what’s important and good for me. I appreciate you.
YOU GOT THIS🤗
I'm a 52-year-old man and a 20-year marriage with 16 and 17 year old children. I understand through your videos what is going on and why I have been so confused and suffering so much at trying to make it work. I have an example for every single term that you have talked about in your glossary, dozens for most of them. This video about grief is the hardest hitting. I know I'm going to leave. I have already begun grieving the relationship and knew that I was doing so on a certain day in the gym when I was working out. I tried to put on cheerful songs that I had always liked in the past. Then they start coming up automatically. The song Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie came up and started playing. It was very cheerful at the beginning but I realized it was about people separating. And that wasn't too bad. At a certain point in the song, it gets to where she is singing about childhood on the playground. At this point she talked about the boy holding her hand. It was so idyllic. I realized that I had such hopes for the relationship with my narcissist when it started and for years it did seem to go amazingly. I realized that was gone. Right on the gym floor I was undone. I was crying and I had to leave. I knew many things in just a moment. I knew I would be destroyed if I stayed. I knew that the entirety of it was lost. Your video is helping me so much. You have saved me. We have six other grown children that are out of the house who have progressively become estranged from their mom and tried so many times to reconnect with her. Until now, none of us have known the pathology, I guess you could call it. Perhaps you will save us all. I'll never stop listening. Thank you.
So sorry you went through that. Powerful story. I am struggling so badly right now and scared to death to leave.
I’m scared to leave too..we have a son with emotional needs and I fear the breakup will harm him.
6:21 yup Gemini
It's awful my husband has his hands on my 2 oldest... It's breaking my heart 😢
Hug. I don't even listen to my face 80's etc music. & Big girls don't cry yeah was from old group, but idk if I'm the modern newer version. I had to check to recall. That is one thing out of are a few forgotten, but I never forget the evil or things said or done or not done to me.
When I hear the words spoken to me, "You're the only one who understands" or, "You're the only one I can talk to," it's a big red flag that I'm about to be held responsible, and stuck to someone else's issues. It's always dishonest, even when the person talking believes it. No one person can be everything another needs. I certainly can't. They use that need to isolate you, keep you on call and away from your support system. They'll praise you for harming yourself in this way. I have to remind myself in these, "Only one" situations (Lies) that if I died tomorrow, the world would not end, and the narcissist would get someone else to manipulate. I ain't that important. So when I hear, "You're the only one I can depend on" or "The only one who can cook this entire meal," or "The only one who can ...." I know I'm being manipulated and it's time for me to make an exit. As you said, "No," is a complete sentence."
What helped me to be free from my narcissist in the last three years was getting back my self respect and remembering I’m a child of God and I deserve to have a good man ! Also I finally believed I’m good enough on my own without him. Years later when I looked back he isn’t that big a deal after all. I am confident I can do better. Believing in myself gave me the power to stay away from the toxic type of guys.
Absolutely relate. Somehow they make you believe that they are “ a catch” and when you eventually unpack the picture is very different. It’s surreal how people can manipulate your thoughts and beliefs
My ex convinced me I was the problem even though he cheated, lied, used manipulation and was awful to me in general. I went to rehab and met a counselor that from our first session understood me and got through to me that I mattered. Told me how loving, brave, and caring I am. I listened to everything he was telling me and really took it in. Nothing was keeping me from getting well and succeeding except for my own lack of trust in myself. Last 4 years I've been listening to Dr. Ramani as well as doing my talk therapy and healing and growing. I left my ex 9 months ago and it was painful and a relief. I told myself and others I would be taking a year to heal n improve from that relationship and I'm so grateful to my fellow empathic humans ❤ ill be going back to school bc I want to help others especially the women to learn all I have about loving yourself first!!
I found some narcissist abuse survivor support groups on the meet up and met some very interesting and supportive people. Some were even further along in their healing journey. I reconnect with them every couple of weeks, and we discuss specific topics and patterns. We break it down like you do. It forces me to understand this narcissism in a structured format and help myself rather than ruminate.
Hello,can you give me a shoulder to lean on,I need someone who can guide me break this bond
Good for you. Was the meet up narc survivors or something like that?
The biggest thing for me was to stop FEARING him (NARC). Once I overcame this hurdle, I was able to set boundaries, live a much more free existence, & learn to just be myself.
Oh this is actually huge, thank you for sharing. Fear is such a driving factor for a lot of us, and it leads instantly into trauma bond. Definitely something worth working on! Good comment.
Your work is saving the world
❤❤❤❤
One of the last scenes in Robin Williams's movie What Dreams May Come: he is losing his wife and he gives her a list of all of the things he has loved about her throughout their lives, and apologizes for every time he failed her in their marriage. It is so real and I think it hits me because he really sees her and loves her for who she is.
I love listening to Dr. Ramani. Her voice is so calming. She has such a thoughtful and intelligent way of communicating. She speaks slowly and eloquently. Most of all, she's *on point* about these unhealthy relationships. So worth listening to.
Doctor you are absolutely right about the therapists who cannot understand narcissistic abuse
I was almost a soul for sale. I am now a soul on itself. Thank you
1. No Contact
2. No Contact
3. No Contact
4. No Contact
5. No Contact
@ThePSXHive You're right, but...What if you're trapped? Scenarios: What if you have children and nowhere to go? What if you might lose your children to the narcissist, and you want to protect them? What if you ARE the child, with no extended family? What if the elderly parent controls all the finances of the family and has already 'pre-conditioned' the extended family to be flying monkeys, if ever needed?
I realise No Contact is the best method, but, it's not always easy to for people to escape.
@@buffster948 I get it. Stuff happens. You can get stuck. My point(s) pertain to the best method. I've said nothing about any situation in particular. For example, the fact that some people have to (for various reasons) drive anything other than Bugatti doesn't change the fact of Bugatti being one of the best brands of cars out there. Just an example, hope you get my point. Btw, I sort of escaped from the situation of "elderly parent controls all the finances of the family and has already 'pre-conditioned' the extended family to be flying monkeys, if ever needed?". No easy feat, as I had to drop out of college in order to maintain a stable employment that would allow me to maintain freedom from parental expectations.
It's not going to be easy or happen for everyone, but if they do find an opening... they should go for it.
@@buffster948 it's not easy to get out. I had a narcissist sibling and my mother died and my father is 78. I go back and forth on taking care of him, and how I should have been protected.
@@gotinogaden Thanks for the thoughtful and heartfelt response. I'll reflect on your insights. Much appreciated.
@@McSpaddenator The 'see-saw' of narcissistic abuse...I see people flipping between love and hate..."Oh, he's/she's awful to me, but, I would feel so guilty not to help."...it's not real love, or real hate, I think. It's just the turbulence of the dynamic in these types of relationship...that's my theory, anyway.
Not a movie but a beautiful moment I witnessed between a father and his young daughter of about 12 years old walking down the street yesterday. The daughter stood there in her flowy skirt and the father stood with his hand out hailing a cab looking at his daughter with a proud and empathetic smile. The daughter was just taking in the world and enjoying this moment with the protection and love of her father close by. I started crying.
Once I misplaced my wallet on the street when my daughter was a baby. I went into total panic, mostly over the sh*t storm that awaited from my narcissist husband. I returned to a shop where I found my wallet, it was given to me by the shop keeper, a very kind man who insisted that I, the new mother I was, sat and drank a glass of water to recover from the scare. This small act of kindness - of humanity, made me cry. It still makes my cry to this day. Many years later this video had made me understand it's significance and why it affects me so much and vow to give myself space to grieve. Thank you for this amazing content.
That’s telling - I hope you are in a position where ‘how is he going to take it?’ Is no longer the first thing you think of when something happens 🤗
@@katherinekelly5380 Thanks you so much for your week-wishes. I'm indeed in a better place now where what he's going to think is not always my first concern. But it is many years of conditioning, decades, even, raised in a very dysfunctional family, and it is also part of my healing path to be patient with myself and not beat myself up for those times I still revert to my old ways
@@Kat-mq4rf It is so important to be kind to yourself - I have a New Year Resolution that I keep renewing which is to treat myself with same kindness and patience I would show to someone else - it has really helped me silence the negative self talk in my head - I’m glad you are in a better place now - we are all just works in progress 🤗
@@katherinekelly5380 That's beautiful!
Being as physically fit and healthy is a good way to deal with these relationships. I’ve been dealing with health issues for a long time now and I’ve seen particular relationships shift in relation to what I thought they were, and has made me question and highlight certain narcissistic traits in a few people close to me (turns out when you don’t have energy to give people attention you get to see what that friendship is really about). Some days I feel a bit defeated and stressed (one on particular is a work relationship). One day last week I felt so low and powerless and anxious. The next day I felt better (I offloaded a lot to my therapist that night and got a much needed good nights sleep). My point being that your mood and energy levels play into how you see these relationships and how much in control of yourself, your thoughts, you are. It’s so important. Easy to let self care slide if you’re overwhelmed. Get active and look after yourself, as a priority.
A narcissist repellant for me is focusing on being grateful for the simple blessings in life - whatever that maybe. Example - solving a problem at work, getting up 1 hr earlier, committing to working out and actually sticking to it. Basically committing to yourself. So I invented this concept for myself called Positive Distractive Activity (PDA)
As I get engage in such activity over time, I am learning to recondition my thought-flow and soon enough I feel really good. I love making small achievements daily because it gives you motivation for tomorrow.
❤
My experience in how not to aget ducked in by narcissists: 1) Don't be too accommodating, even in body language. Drop the excess smiling.😊2) Limit your compliments, and before giving them examine whether you're being sincere or schmoozing up. 3) If they drop names of people, places, or things ( e.g. professional degrees) arbitrarily
, run! 4) Be harder to get. Don't extend your friendship or kindness to freely. 5) And repeating Dr. Ramani, something that gets me everytime, stay away from enablers ( people who 😊are groupies to charismatic or noxious personalities).
YOU ARE GOD SENT !!!!!! I love you and thank you for being apart of my healing journey
Yes, I have been crying watching Christmas movies. Not all but a few of them. It feels like I am letting something out. The narcissist in my life could ruin every holiday, birthday. He was just negative about everything. I am On my way to healing, feeling good! Thank you for all you do Dr Ramani!
‘November Christmas’ is lovely ❤
Yes they aré super negative, its draining!
It's been a year since I realised I was married to one after18 years.soo draining but I feel enlightened.
All those destroyed by Narcissists will rise like the phoenix thanks to you.
I wasted eight years before the light finally came on. I left in 2020 and went back after a year, foolishly, i know now. Spent two more years in misery.... I left again, recently, this time for good, and this idea of grief over it is real. Im so angry at myself for staying so long, but I feel surprisingly sad. It's definitely a process that I must be in the middle of. You are helping me. Thank you.
My strength was learning about narcissism, going “no contact “and moving forward🦋
Best decision I’ve ever made! 🎉
I am an empath, and my home life was horrible. When I moved out of my house, I thought I was OK. 😅
When I had my next experience with a narcissist, I was done!
I’m too old for that crap!I I want to live the rest of my life, happy, joyous, and free!🎉.
Yes, I’m grieving, but I’m 65 and at this point in my life, I desire healthy love. After 40+ years , I lost health, all the things you mentioned Yes, I am grieving, but I’m happy and learning Thank you Dr. Ramani for all your help, I sure wish you were closer to me❤
🦋SURIVOR🦋 with a brand new life.
I too am 65 and finally left mine after 45 years. I’m on the mend thanks to people like Dr Ramani.
I am 76 and left 8 years ago! Peace is priceless! ❤
I am in the process of weaning my N son away and setting boundaries and keeping the boundaries! I own my part in this and now: when I talk to him or rather‘listen’ to him tell me about all his exploits that day or week! I turn most of what he says to give the attention to someone else or I am silent and I limit time on phone! I am hoping he turns to other suppliers and not all just me! Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
@@tinagustafson3949 keep going so worth it🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋
You all are empowering to me, I am thankful for
Your comments here!!
I’m Going on almost 4 years w a narc (and living together) and can no longer sustain.
I have no job(I used to work for him) and I don’t have my own income (bc he swayed me I didn’t have to pay bills etc bc he would take care of me. He Gave me a credit card in my name to 1) help rebuild my credit and 2) to control me. If I disagree w him on anything and or set boundaries, he will turn it off and then I have no access to money).
He had become a massive turnoff to me with his abusing ways. He points out my faults (which are more bc of him!! And the stress and put downs he does towards me!) to others in front of me in public. Can be friends, family or perfect strangers to me that I am meeting for 1st time. It’s so belittling and I told him he never has my back.
He thinks otherwise. I have told him nicely and boldly/firmly that I am done with his act. And he knows I can’t leave rn due to the above mentioned (that, and I will be taking my 5 rescue cats with me-- so that is another deterrent in me getting away from him. Nobody lets you rent hardly anymore bc of pet(s).
I have a good friend o could go live with but I really do not want to move away out of state away from my family and friends. And unfortunately I don’t have any options with any of them. The only one is out of state. I have 2 very dear friends in different states I can move to with my cats. But I don’t want to move. 😔😓
Thank you for anyone reading this storybook long comment. Sometimes I just need to vent and am hoping others can be of help of support or can relate so I don’t feel or look crazy. 😔🙏🏽♥️🙏🏽
Honestly, bodybuilding helped me get through so much. I'm now 6 years sober from alcohol and I just left my narcissistic ex in Dec 2022 (married 10 years) after I decided to get back into it. It helps me feel, not just physically stronger, but mentally stronger. It made me realize I can lift more than I think and I am stronger mentally than I thought too. AND finding your videos helped me so much too! Thank you for all you do, Dr. Ramani!
I’ve cleaned up my treadmill and taken out my weights that I haven’t used in about 15 years. I figured I needed my mojo back my health and mental wellness. So happy to read your comment. I am even more resolved to doing this
I found it incredible that after joining a cool gym to complete the final chart of my healing - quite a few members totally got it or had been there!
@@MJ-qb5ph absolutely! It’s so nice to find likeminded people!
Me too. It took me realizing that drinking is how I found myself in a relationship with a narc to quit and I haven't thought about drinking since (tried 2x before). I used my drinking as an excuse to excuse her bad behavior. Then slowly found myself drinking, not for fun, but to escape the hell I was in. The narc ex attempted to use the alcohol as a way to get me arrested and drag my name through the dirt. Going to the gym and making a big to do list is a major step in changing your life. Jordan peterson and others have helped me reprogram my mind. One blessing from all of this, is when I ended this relationship it was the first time in my life I actually wanted to be alone and relationshipless. I've been able to accomplish so much and figure out what I want in life. Meeting her was a blessing and a curse.
🥲🙏🏼 your comment really spoke to me, love the correlation between physical pursuits and metal pursuits strengthening together. I just left my covert narc of 7 mths, and he despised body building bc his ex was involved, he used the excuse it was a bad example for his 4 kids, and I was punished by neglect and a devalue/discard each time I attempted to better myself in this way. Going to do it now that im free to grow and evolve. So grateful I saw this comment tonight. Thank you 💖🙏🏼🥲🤗
When I go to school events or birthday parties, I regularly start crying. It reminds me of how I had to learn how to care for myself and most people have people. I love being able to give it to my daughter. My parents were always focused on my narcissist sibling.
This popped up at the right time. Very weepy lately and it occurred to me it's grief. It sucks but will pass. Thanks for explaining all of it! ❤
Telling them NO. Watching this on three occasions was awesome
I am so so awfully glad that I found you because I recently met someone who seems to be a covert narcissist now. But all thanks to you, even though initially I thought I was in love with him, I realised the truth and did not let him in my life. I am studying to become a psychologist and you inspire me everyday. Thank you so much Dr Ramani.
Keep up the great work! Keep studying. Don't let anybody come between you and your goal or you and your joy. Your future will be filled with folks you'll help in your own way line Dr. Ramani is helping us. So grateful you are pursuing it on behalf of the lives you can effect so positively.
The portion addressing missing the narcissist was 💡 illuminating and really helpful. Also, grief over someone who is not dead was spot on.❤️
My husband just cut ties with his narc family and is starting the grieving process. When he initially went no contact, the floodgates opened and he started venting about everything he went through. But since then, he's become reserved and doesn't want to talk about it. I'm giving him his time and space as he needs it.
I've found it difficult to find a competent therapist in my home town but you're helping me so much! Thank you, Dr Ramani🤗
We can share contact if you want to so maybe we can talk about it. Im from Germany and it is hard to find a therapist who really understand what that is.
@@kesinissi6573 Germany is so far behind in trauma therapy.
I haven't had much luck in finding a good therapist either. All three had no good idea on what I needed. The lost one was a Trauma therapist, but he was gaslighting me and kept trying to make me believe my experience wasn't real. I figured out he was a Malignant. He actually lied to me looking into my eyes. I dropped him just after 4 sessions. I just do what Dr. Ramani suggest and it's helping.
@@mday3821 My therapist told me my abuser didn't mean it in a bad way. I also left after just a few sessions.
@@nomadic_orthodox I had a therapist that tried to tell me that my NM was physically abusing me to make me conform to society. I never went back.
I hope you know abuse is abuse and your ex-therapist was Victim Shaming. Did your therapist really believe there's a good way to abuse someone?! What is wrong with these people? It seems Narcissists are now more in the health-care business than they ever was. I had some good therapist in the 90's.
I wish I found you decades ago. You have explained everything. It’s hard to hear but, it makes sense. I’m not crazy.
A Dump Journal keeps me going! A reminder of tge toxicity patterns along with my pain.
A Compassion Journal ❤️ 💙 💖 Because we all need more compassion in our lives especially after Abuse.
A Psychoeducational Journal 📖 🎉
All the relevant materials I need, especially when the gaslight demons rear their ugly heads! Neurobiology keeps me focused & understanding ✨️ 🙏 💯 while building resilience & capacity. 😊
As a NA survivor, this touched my soul, most relatable video I’ve ever watched 😢❤
🤗 my friends gave me hugs in all my struggles with na and fa so I’m passing it on … you deserve lots of 🤗
Realizing the roots of my dad and stepmom's behavior is what finally shook me out of this wishful thinking. After not speaking with them for a year, I gave them one last chance to repair our relationship by going to family therapy. Their off-the-cuff, irrational wordsalads and discomfort with genuine connection were difficult to watch. I'm grateful to have had my mom, who showed me what unconditional love was, otherwise I may still be trying to make things work.
Forest Davis...I'm so sorry for all you've been through with your stepmom and your dad and I applaud you for wanting so much to fix the relationship that you offered therapy... but, and really I know I sound awful but you're better off that they didn't go... my experience has been therapy only works when a person is honest and forthcoming about their behavior & narcissists are absolutely unable to do so you would have wasted so much time and money... Forest move forward with the things your mother taught you about love and direct those things at yourself and you will have a wonderful life!
My family also ❤
"Look at me son, it's not your fault" from Goodwill Hunting. Robin Williams empathy gets me every time.
Knowledge is one of the best tools against a narcissist.
Yes, that is very true survivors of narcissistic abuse. Will cry in most nearly every situation whether it’s dark or light or loving there is emotion in everything 🫶🏽
This is simply what's worked for me personally: completely internalize your self worth.
Keep it secret and safe, like treasure, near any narcissists and other high-tension people. Save it for those who treasure you with open kindness and acceptance.
I have found that externalizing my self worth even to my own work, created a vicious, even mildly narcissist, self-abuse cycle.
Success to me is being at peace with who I am regardless of anything outside of me.
The hardest part, for me anyway, was watching a close relative being aware of the Narc but being to financially dependent to escape.
Your worth isn't attached to you being able to help others. It is natural, birth-given worth.
This is the hardest lesson for me, as school, family, work, etc. taught me otherwise.
Thank you, very* Helpful, to me, anyway! 😂 🇺🇲 ⚖️
So true. Your worthiness is your birth rights. External factors boost your ego like blow up a ballon.
Pure genius, thank you….
@@kathyadair8552 Glad it helped someone. You're welcome.
@@lushgreenbean Any balloon can pop with a needle.
For me as a Believer in Christ using His discernment would definitely help me now but I wasn’t walking with the Lord when I married my first abusive husband and then met and married my recent narcissistic husband 39 yrs ago. This whole experience of abuse has brought me much closer to Christ and to depend on Him and yes asking Him to guide me throughout this relationship and use his discernment in the rest of my life
Ask and ye shall receive. He is so good to his children when we need guidance. So glad he opened my eyes.
Thank you Dearest Father and your beloved son Jesus.Your care love and protection are there for all who believe and claim your love 🌎⭐️🌊☀️😇🙏
I'm sorry for the abuse you have faced. I truly understand how bad it can be. It's great to hear your faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. In my own opinion and own heart I don't believe Jesus would want to keep you in a life and marriage where you are being abused. He has a better life for you than that.
That's where I'm at now.
While my therapist recognized the trauma, she hadn't worked with narcissism. 8 months later, she thanked me for all she learned working with me. She listened. She did call in a colleague to help her with my case, but i would also send my therapist your videos to help explain what I was experiencing, and for her to understand where I was at in certain points of the healing process (i.e., your videos on forgiveness). I'm 1.5 years out. Still ruminating, still grieving, but grateful for my new life. TY Dr. Ramani. ❤️
Thank you for teaching a therapist something that will help other people they help! ❤
Hia Dr Ramani 💕I had to listen to you as I am still feeling the grief and I can see it clearly now that it was all fake and I carried for so long I can’t believe I was used and abused! I pray 🙏 for all survivors everywhere!🙏❤️❤️🤗
It's tremendously noble for you to admit that not all therapists are good for everyone. I always have a saying that one size doesn't fit all...🙏
Former clergy here: THANK YOU for your words on clergy/pastoral counselors. I can tell you from experience that we do not have the training, skills, (oftentimes) legal standing, and goals to be appropriate mental health supports. Generally speaking, I would say that the only clergy remotely qualified to help are going to be people who have been victims of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence. Most of the people I know who have been through this experience have a sense of what their helpful limits are.
glad to see you address the fact that some therapists make the problem worse
“This is your life story and it’s rich and it’s beautiful.” Thank you so much for this!
OMG. About movie scenes. "Running On Empty" with River Phoenix and Christine Lahti always makes me cry. I've understood a good part of my life by watching that film over and over. A good family is not always about being together. A good family also knows how to let go.
Why did I have to listen to this while I was driving? I started crying so hard i could hardly see! You like just spoke my world out loud.
Thank you. I'm at my lowest currently and these videos have in part helped me to cope with my own trauma from 25 years of Narcissistic Abuse.
Ronnie, you will get through this....give ample time n be compassionate with yourself..:)
You've got this. You are not alone in this !!!
I always tell myself when I am very low that from here it will be only up. And I try think that in week, month or 3 months I would feel better and things will be better. I try put myself together, build myself from the pieces and I look forward for this few months when I will stand stronger and start my life again. And that I wish you believe in yourself, find your strength, you already make first steps now just keep walking.
I’m so sorry. I’m at 25 yrs as well. Such a tough, disheartening place to be. These videos and comments are so helpful and encouraging. But sometimes I get upset when I see others have left and I don’t feel like I can or should and am sitting here wondering what to do next. My adult children understand and support me and all of my sisters and brother. I just need to decide. 😔
@@zibratesmom-giftsforlife8751 right there with you on this. It's so frustrating. I'm frustrated as much with myself, as I am my narc husband. The trauma bond is proving to be to much for me at times... never in million years would I thought I'd ever put up with ANY of this BS. I don't know where "I" went, but I'm trying real hard to figure it out and bring ME back. I hope we are ALL able to find our happy selves again. Everyone deserves to be happy and to feel/be truly loved. Wishing you the best in your future zibratesmom-giftsforlife8751. Sending peace n love .
Happy Sunday, dear people. Sending love and support to all. :) xx
Blessings 🙏
Yes, I had that euphoric recall a lot. I would forget the abuse at times and get caught up in the trauma and love bombing. Thank God I am not with the narc it has been 4 years. I think about him off and on, but not as much anymore, which just means that I am healing. I give all praises to God for delivering me and setting me free from narcissistic abuse 🙏🏽 🙌🏽
Interesting to see you say “ I forgot the abuse at times.. got caught up ..” I feel the same. Like living in a fog. How did you quit?
@@candyhumpf6267 you have to pair the good memories with the bad. That's what I read in a book. It's called Never go Back by Henry cloud
@@candyhumpf6267 Stay strong in your boundaries around that person, even if you forget why you set them
Please pray for me. I have two and am not free yet. It's been beyond difficult. Need protection and ppl on my side.
Thanks Dr Ramani ,l am presently a souvivour of narcissistic relationships abuse for 32years and since l have been watching your programs it has help me a lot
My tear jerker scene was not even in a movie. I could not hold back the tears when my pastor was giving a sermon about 1 Cor 1-13. It's the love chapter in the Bible. He just kept talking about hoe love is patient and kind and I just kept thinking about how one of my important relationships is with someone who is not patient or kind, and therefore not loving.
I stopped asking how his day was, if he’s hungry, when he’s going to see me. I stopped questioning his actions, I kept myself busy, I started to picture my life without him, I only reacted when he wanted me to but coldly. I GAVE what I GOT. Slowly but productively realizing that I am now in control. - I faced trauma bond head on knowing it’s my only way to healing. Knowledge is healing. Keep on praying. Always know “you are way better than them” … it’s an addiction and go through withdrawals. It’s worth finding a healthy you. ❤
Would love to know if you are still in the relationship but able to manage and be in control ?
Well said!
Having someone give the words to what I experienced, even years later, is so helpful. Thank you.
I grew up in a toxic environment. For me, it's not so much about how to deal with them as it is, how I choose to deal with myself, because at the end of the day, it's my own feelings that I will have to contend with. I want to remain a kind person, one who enjoys connection, laughter and enjoying the things that make me feel like the person I am. If they don't bring out the best in me, then it's a no-brainer. I keep them at a distance. I gray rock the heck out of them and give all the good energy to myself and o those who care about me and those who I can shower with care. That honestly keeps me healthy, body, mind and spirit. Thank you, Doctor R
One way that has been helping me is to pay attention to their actions-- do their actions match their words? Do their pretty smiles match their heart? A lot of times people smile, but then suddenly stab you right in the gut.
And yes, definitely trying to pay attention to how they treat OTHER people. I have had friends and partners who treated me well, but they treated other people terribly.
That radical acceptance is definitely a tremendous space to be in,helps you get through those ruminating moments much easier