Thank you. Also, I did write a book. Pre-sale starts this month. Check out the link in the bottom of this episode’s description to sign up for book updates. 🙏
I work with a woman where no matter what I share with her, she ignores and starts talking about her own issues, no matter how mundane, she cannot put herself in my shoes, I just don't share anything with her anymore. I found this video incredibly helpful. Trying to get through to a narcissist is like trying to hammer a nail into the sky.
You hit the nail on the head when you said, "narcissists want the spotlight entirely on them unless they've done something wrong, and they'll quickly try and put it on you."
Happy for you Dear ONE. I AM living my 81st year too AFTER being FREE TO BE since age 66 following living with Narcissistic father from age 3 , after WWII ,then thru 2 husbands !! Took me many years to finally know I wasn't willing to live like that anymore enJOY your GOLDEN YEARS now 🎉🎉🎉🎉 🎶💃🎶💃🎶💃
I left my narcissist mother 13 years ago She favored me to make her cup of Once out the room She would bad mouth me To my boyfriends and friends She destroyed all my relationships
Just recently discovered that my husband is a narcissist. For the past 32 years I have been trying to understand him - why he behaves the way he does. Recently I came across some posts that describes his behaviours spot on! Now that I am aware what I am dealing with, I won't beg his forgiveness anymore, for making him angry, disappointing him, etc. I am enjoying his silent treatment- I feel liberated from the slavery of serving him. It's been a month now.
yes! unfortunately you will probably never reach resolve or peace with him because it is rare that they finally decide to accept boundaries. It's why I became a life coach for the vast # of women in these situations.
I've been married to a narcissist for 45 years till early this year when the stress landed me in hospital for 3 days. This last straw was a wake-up call for self-care & I walked out of his life. That was the best thing that had ever happened in my life so far & am feeling so peaceful & happy ever since.
Happened to me too. Five years ago, I had the courage to walk away from over 20 years of that. I had nothing. It's taken awhile to heal. But I'm doing just fine. I wish the best for you.
44 years for me. And here I was, thinking I was the only one who put up with this for so long. I guess not. So glad you got out and are happy and peaceful after all that you've been through. You give me hope. Thank you! ❤
Peaceful silence doesn't work with a true Narc because it arouses suspicion and they will then manufacture a problem to illicit your attention anyway. The Narc must remain in control.
I realized in 2015, that the professional group that truly understood narcissists, was not psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. It was divorce attorneys.
This is bc Narcs do 'nothing wrong'. They do not enter therapy bc they are not the problem, everyone else is. Nothing is wrong with them. Therapists generally see only those who's lives have been wrecked by these hateful, demonic people, not the narcissist themselves.
Bcos it takes a lot of analysis, normal people will surely get caught up in a narc trap and those monkeys are even louder than narc itself. Very sad reality.
it depends on the therapist. not everyone specializes in everything (too broad) it has to be someone who understands personality disorders,, narcs traits are not the same as a diagnosis. and some therapists dont like 'labeling ' right away; know why you are seeking help; it's their job to guide you. also, Not all Attorneys understand this either. also attorneys probably see more narcs spouses. , nacs dont seek therapy because their nothing wrong with them lol and many attorneys have a personality disorder themselves...they love the attention and prestige. Similarly, i hear the "he is bipolar" yet most people dont understand what it is... is not just "anger"
@@smoothy2278 yes narcs do a good job at manipulating others. therapy doesnt work for them. nothing is ever their fault, adn they lack insight (they deflect any accountability to others)
I think it's worth mentioning: if you notice you keep attracting narcissistic types. You need to do some introspection. Narcissistic personalities feed on empathic personalities. There is nothing wrong with being an empath, but it is vital to maintain strong boundaries and follow through.
This, do the work on yourself, understand your past unhealed traumas.and you'll repel them. Stay kind and good, don't be nice. Trust me, you'll feel so empowered being your true authentic self. 💯
How can you set boundaries with a narcissist who retaliates if you set boundaries to follow a contract and you are in a legal contract with them and can't get out of the contract?
Interesting, because I definitely am an empath and have just realized after an huge incident that a close family member is probably a narcissist. I am not a diagnosing physician. This helped a lot. TY
Oh my gosh, I am in tears, I have gone through narcissistic abuse for 13 years. I have pleaded, cried, begged, made myself a fool to make him see that I love him but his behavior remains toxic. But no matter how pathetic I make myself, he will continue to say I am the reason he is verbally abusive, unfaithful and dishonest in the marriage. Why are people so evil! How can you do this to someone you say you love. It hurts so bad. 😢 I have finally filed for divorce, took me 13 years 😭
What a narcissist wants, more than anything else, is the accolades he feels he deserves...LOL They are very hard to spot, as they're skilled at hiding their disorder, off balance mentally from the world.
Congratulations! You have made the best decision of your life. I left an narcissistic alcoholic, I fought to leave my home but I'm now 600 miles away from HIM and I'm safe! I pray your healing is expedited my dear as you deserve love, understanding and compassion. No one understands the pain involved in loving a narcissist unless they've lived it!
@@lesliewilde5130 You're so right, they're NEVER HAPPY with you, so dishonest and unfaithful behind your back and they even leave your apartment with the pillows on your bed. How low the floor is for them, they want to destroy you at their level. They are master manipulate and love to play the victim. ALLO...BOZO...
1. Dont play the game. Dont talk to them. They delight in your frustration. They feed off that control. Silence is golden. 2. Dont make any moves. Silence, say nothing. Gray rock. Dont try to reason w them. They will twist your words. Stay neutral. Just say... "noted, that's good to know. " Dont try to get them to see your side. They are incapable. Instead, say, it's time for my sense of self and strength. Focus on you. 3. No apology. They are incapable. They never admit blame. Instead, you dont need an apology to validate your feelings. Keep on walking. Be indifferent. ❤
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! The most damaging narcissist is a mother, her child has no idea why they don’t matter. I am 75 but didn’t learn about narcissism until 10 years ago. It was an “aha” moment of realization and freedom. My mom was a classic, textbook narcissist. She died two years ago, as selfish and cruel as ever. I have not shed one tear and feel no grief. Thanks to information such as you have provided, I also feel no guilt. I am a survivor and have close and loving relationships with my wonderful children.
I am so glad you addressed this topic. I have a son who has narcissistic tendencies and have not verbally spoken to him in more than a year. I'm not being yelled at, having my words twisted, and being talked down to. It has been the most peaceful and happiest year of my life. You're so right - don't play the game!
Sigh, realizing no matter how hard you try, they don't hear you. I am trying to be gentle with myself for wasting so much of my time trying..Thank you Jefferson ✌️
New subs here ❤ - YESSSSS WE SEE 👀 HE IS AWESOMELY HANDSOME, WELL INFORMED, EDUCATED!!! Please give a 👍 so the rest of us can listen, pay attention, and retain his information …. OMG, we can barely get through His content & advice because we are continually reading “He so handsome” 🤗🥰🤗 Awe He so handsome, he’s got to be married, we had to watch this vid 3x just to look at him 😉 & listen twice to be sure we 💯 understood him …. 🤣😆😂 This guys info is genius, thank you sir, your greatly appreciated ❤🥰
"Silence can never be misquoted." I have been "silent" with an adult son for over a year now, and although I pray that we have some reconciliation before one of us dies, I have never experienced such Peace. My strength comes from The Lord, Jefferson, He is using you to give us Wisdom, Guidance & Encouragement.😊 Thankyou for understanding and validating our pain and confusion. Gratefully, G.
I understand it’s been 2 years for my silence with my son and DIL. I found so much peace after I walked away from their game. I also pray that someday before I die there is a reconciliation, sadly I’m not holding my breath. Wishing you much love and blessings
I have been doing exactly what you've said NOT to do....over explaining. And you're ABSOLUTELY right, it does not work. I guess a part of me is hoping that he'll come around and see the hurt that he causes...but it hasn't happened. It was very, no extremely difficult to accept that I'm married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He was diagnosed almost eleven years ago and for that time I've been "hoping" he would change. And you're SOOOO right, it's never going to happen. My heart breaks for people who are married to this type person. Thank you Jefferson. You're tremendously helpful.
See my response, sharing my experience. I finally had to save myself from my destructive marriage. When my physical and emotional health began to suffer, I knew my marriage wasn't worth the sacrifices I was making. Blessings to you if you're choosing to stay.
@@darralansman9895So my situation is different in that I'm not in a place where I can simply pack up and move out. I'm grateful that I do not have minor children being affected by the toxicity, however. And over the years I've been given a plethora of tools to help me navigate the rare interactions which I have with him. Those tools, however, only help me to remain healthy and strong emotionally; they do nothing for the hurt and pain I feel for those who are stuck and see no way out. Narcissism is real...and a person's pain is real. Were it not for my relationship with the Lord I really would have lost my mind...no joke. I've grown to the place where I can recognize his tactics...which is why I've stopped trying to explain...and Jefferson's post has helped to remind me of such. Again, I just want to see people free...and it's hard to know that such evilness lurks in the hearts of people...and one within my very home.
lol Jefferson, I tried to be silent with my ex-narcissistic husband. He actually belittled me endlessly for being silent!! He ranted and raged about me by repeating over and over “you said nothing!, you said nothing “” These type of people can make anything or “nothing” you do wrong!!
“Praise or provoke - a trigger carnival game…” Jefferson, you have incredibly unique gifts of insight and action plans. You supply the armament and we feel like we are in the car with you!
You don't want to give it a label to anyone to anyone else as that can backfire, but for yourself, it's good to know what you're up against, so you can make better choices, dont get drawn into emotionally draining, futile arguments, learn the art of neutrality, not over sharing, firewalling, soul distancing and self validation. As you state so beautifully, it's a know your worth mentality where you come to know who and or what is worth your time and emotional energy.
This also gave us an amazing tool to identifying a Narc or toxic person… speak highly of a person to them and see how they react…if they tear them down or use the opportunity to talk about themselves that’s a major red flag. If instead, they use the opportunity to praise that person further, or they seem to really enjoy hearing about it that’s just seriously major points for that person and someone that you probably want to add to your circle.
Thank you so much. You are the only person who has ever shown me how to communicate and I will soon be 72 years old. Trial and error has long been the norm and that is a hard road to travel. God bless you for your generosity in helping so many others. Dee Clements
Bless your heart if you're still on that road. I encourage you, if you're staying in a relationship with a narcissist, learn how to stay well. JF is great and there are many other great resources if facing a long-term journey. I recommend authors Leslie Vernick, Dr.Craig Malkin, Dr. David Hawkins (Marriage Recovery Center), Bill Eddy (LCSW JD), and many other good UA-cam podcasts.
I will soon be 54. Spent too much money in counseling, decades, to only learn more useful, helpful information from this man in about 1 year! The wasted years are hard to handle. I appreciate this information for the present and future. Make the most of what time we have. SO thankful but wish I had known early in ife.
I agree 100%! I had a narcissist go off on me, attacking my character. She knew nothing about me really. I didn't engage, explain. I stayed silent. It made her furious and claimed to others that I attacked her. Luckily, I had a witness.
It takes a long time to recognize their behavior for what it is because they're master manipulaters. They're experts at reading you and being who you want them to be. It took me years to learn these lessons and give up the hope that I could affect change in our marriage. Hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars in counseling were wasted in trying to have a loving and respectful marriage. Divorcing a narcissist is a whole different level of the "game," and they thrive on the challenge! The strategies JF outlined are paramount in keeping myself out of the emotional turmoil of trying to reason with someone who isn't capable of reasoning or being rational. His goal is to win, regardless of the cost.😖
So sorry to hear of your situation. I pray your divorce will be finalized soon and then your healing can begin. You deserve love, respect and compassion. Godspeed!🤗
SILENCE IS GOLDEN.. So hard to do - but, it’s doesn’t feed into their game. Staying NEUTRAL is a source of strength. Thankful for your words of wisdom.
I’ll be watching this one everyday for awhile! “Praise and provoke” - this is so spot on. Not enough praise (or recognition or attention) being given to them, and they will say or do something provocative, often seemingly out of the blue. It’s a pattern with these types that I’ve seen over & over.
I didn't have any idea what I was up against until after my life was in shambles. I even had a written diagnosis (ASPD/NPD) that I ignored because I had to believe he loved me. The therapist said right to his face in front of me "You are a sociopath." Unfortunately, I was surrounded by low empathy, emotionally immature, hostile people from my own family to both of our lawyers and the judge in the divorce. I stayed silent all these years in hopes of reducing conflict for my kids but things only continued. I wish I knew these things then, but I am glad you are here. No one but two insightful therapists ever seemed to understand what was really going on. I'd like to think that meeting you back then would have changed a lot for me and my children, but the truth is I wouldn't have believed you. I got warnings (some even from him) and I ignored them all. I needed to believe we were normal and happy. It was the same lie I believed about my family and if I accepted it wasn't real I was going to lose everything I had built my whole life around so I denied reality until my entire life was destroyed and the ugly truth was undeniable.
Gray Stone method. My counselor suggested I put a tiny stone in my hand to remind me to kindly be silent or answers using two or three words when in the presence of two family members and my husband. It works but they figure it out and play the total silent game too. Which is beautiful. 👍🏻👍🏻 The best thing I did was journal the crazy. I handed it to my counselor, her response - we will be dealing with narcissistic behavior. I worked on me and saved my life!
The hard part for me is keeping my cool. Your thoughts about doing what's best for ME and not trying to convince the narcissist to see my side was THE BEST tool! Thank you
Jefferson you hit it out of the park today. I've experienced all of this and much more during my 42+ years of marriage to a Malignant Narcissistic Husband. We've been in the process of Divorce since June 2023. Thank you for your advice and examples given on how to respond to a Narcissist. It's extremely important to keep it short when communicating with a Narcissist. Never, ever confront them on their lies. It only makes them double down on the lies and it can lead them to a volatile level with you. I choose to move out permanently, separated since November 2022, for my safety. Because his mental state had become volatile. When I left, I went NO COMMUNICATION, total silence. I didn't know it then, but now I've learned that's the best way to handle a Narcissist. I knew it was the best thing for my mental and physical health. So, Thank you for your insightful podcasts. You'll never know who needs to hear your advice.
I just want to say, I feel so good inside when I listen/watch your videos. You have a gentle loving soul and it is very healing - your person, your voice, the way you genuinely care about human interaction and communication. You are refreshing and I had to tell you that. Thank you so much for being your best you, always.
"Look within and understand you don't need an apology to validate your own feelings." Practical tools when dealing with a narcissist, there's a place in your mind you have to go to to deal with a narcissist. Don't play the game. Any time you are talking to a narc you are walking into their trap. Unless they get praise they will provoke because they delight in your frustration. This is not something you can win. They feed off of that control. They want the spotlight entirely on them. It is a game. Best thing you can do: Recognise you are in a game. 1. Choose to take your pieces off the board. 2. Best move you can make is no move at all. Say nothing, It cant be misquoted. Choose silence. Your silence can't be twisted. Stay neutral in the convo. Avoid saying things that are hurtful, ugly, rude or disrespectful to put them down. - say "ok" "noted." "thank you for saying that". "I understand" 3. Go to a place in your mind. Don't try and convince. They cant understand. Stop trying. Empty hole. Get to a place where you think to yourself - switch- it's time I think about myself and my peace of mind and where I draw my strength from. Narcs only take. You're not going to get an apology. Instead think you don't need an apology. Put down the shovel and keep on walking. --- Jefferson Fisher Thank you!
This is so important for all to understand and it’s hard for most to accept:you can’t win with a narcissist. You can’t win. Accept that and let them be. They will move on to another victim.
Susana, I wish we could communicate…..I am also the adult daughter of a ruthless narcissist/ borderline sociopath. I wish I knew someone else who understood the devastation of what it feels like to have a mother who doesn’t have love for you. It’s unnatural….and it fks up your head. But the fact is, my mother is the most dangerous person in my life. I have and will always fear her.
“I don’t need an apology to validate my feelings” I am 49 and this simple, undiscovered truth just instantly changed my life. This has unchained me from an emotional torture chamber since the person in my life will NEVER apologize, never have and never will. Because of my love, I never want to hurt or “shut down” this person. Your kindness approach helps me stay on the higher path and keep exercising the bible principle that “Love Never Fails.” I love this person because I know trauma and CPTSD has caused irreversible damage in thought processes and faulty perceptions of reality.
Exactly, go into good customer service mode. Smile, breath and look them in the eye and say " I understand", " I am glad you told me". Both parties can learn something in a challenging conversation.
I work with a narcissist at work. I am a woman. I got her into a place of “distance” although we have to work together… I don’t share my life anymore… I used to…I’m polite but only work is our relationship now…..just work… She told two of my bosses (who are men) that I hurt her feelings and she cried and made me look like the bad guy. One in fact told me that I hurt her feelings…It’s all a big game that she plays very well….Everything in me wants to tell her off, but I know it will work against me, she has no feelings…she just wants control….thank you for all your tips and help. I really appreciate it.
Yep they are the victims. Exactly the same things happened to me at work and in family. I politely set boundaries and the infuriated them. They need to manipulate someone else to get revenge.
Sounds exactly like my coworker, I door slam her last week and just hoping that I won't have to work with her ever again. This has caused extreme mental health issues for me.
Eek. Sounds like my sister in law. NR. Lol She claims to have bi polar but she has little to no genuine symptoms of it it seems .....we had been struggling with a relationship for a decade and I suddenly realized maybe I could help support her understanding her bipolar. Surprise! She didn't fit the bill, but she sure does for NPD (or perhaps even sociopathy or something....). She says a lot of strange stuff about work that I don't buy ...how she's just not recognized for her amazing ethic etc But my mom is NPD And I witnessed her doing that throughout my childhood. She would slack off at work and shove work on to others and then cry and complain and even rage at others when she was called out.
There is a huge percentage of narcissist that will never get a diagnosis of it because they will not go to a therapist. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.
Exactly ...everything iv ever researched on narcisstic personality disorder ...always says therapy or even getting a therapist to diagnose is impossible....all it does is teach them how to be even more manipulative
Family members. I still don't get why they do this, and it is so exhausting to have to deal with. Thank you so much Jefferson. I have recognised over the past two years that my brother is a gaslighter and probably a narcissist. I appreciate all of this advice, it feels so good to have some strategies for me to stay calm and unaffected.
Family can be where personality disorders are worst. In addition to sibling rivalry, there's what I call 'familial complacency,' where some members of the family act like family is stuck with you so they feel they can act any way they want. Why this isn't warned about culturally, I don't know.
Narcissists have basic patterns of behaviour, all of them. In other words, they run on rails. You know what they're going to do or say in advance. This is their major weakness, and once you realise it, it's your strength.
Best take-aways for me: keep the communication on text for record, and keep it short to not offer choices on what they answer back. Thank you! I learn so much from your posts!
A narcissist has the most control over those who love them. My daughter has been rewriting our family history since she was 13 years old. She is 45 now and has turned us, ner parents, into monsters in her mind. She now weaponizes our granddaughter and accuses us of not wanting to see her when it is SHE we simply cant be around without her hurting us, So we know to not own her attacks, but completely walking away from her and our grand daughter is a hard swallow!
I really like this podcast! You give great information on this. Years ago I was going through a very difficult divorce and child custody case. I have learned since then the my ex actually had a diagnosis of being a narcissist. I suspected it. We went to court order physiological testing and parenting classes. One of the head doctors told me in private that when dealing with my ex, especially on the phone, don’t play the game. It takes 2 to play and if I take myself out, there’s no game. He went on to tell me pretty much what you’ve just talked about. My ex would typically call me at work, he liked to get me rattled at work so I’d have a miserable time for the rest of the day. These techniques worked wonders!! All the difference in the world! Thank you for this advice.
i just discovered your podcast! i love it. I am married to a covert narcissist. I've learned a lot in the last couple years. I don't think we've ever had a conversation. He is either thinking out loud or spewing information. The thing that I have trouble with is when we are with other people, he repeats every anectdote he knows that begins with "I". Whatever they say, he starts with "I". It mortifies me! I don't want to invite people over, meet new people, travel with others.
I am facing a narcissist in our workplace just recently and I'm having a hard time dealing with it .Sometimes, I can't control my emotions by raising my voice. This is very helpful Jeff .Thank you , this means a lot to me .❤❤❤
I’ve known a narcissist. More importantly I have been one most of my younger life. I lend it to immaturity for some of it. Since I’ve learned from Jesus how to relate with others with empathy and patience. I’ve matured to be aware of my own agenda too. Thank you Jefferson for opening up your toolbox and showing us how to use these tools! God bless brother!
Maybe you weren't a real narcissist. Maybe it was a way of coping you learnt. I know people can change. God believes in you. He made you and no one knows you better!
These are good. I am married to a narcissist sociopath. We are informally separated which works out well because I am in charge of our finances that way. When I realized I was in over my head I found ways to spend a as little time with him as possible. He would make us late for church every week. I would tell that we should take two cars and give him good reasons for that decision. I too love texts because it keeps the conversation short and gives me a written record of what he said. I am always very careful to be positive in my tone. I don’t even try to work through issues. There is no point
Thank you Jefferson. The more I learn and understand about narcissistic behavior, the more I realize how right you are about this being the only way to deal with them. Minimal response or silence. Everything else they turn back on themselves. It's a lonely life being married to one. Thankfully I now know how to cope and look after myself. Took me forever to figure it out. But hey, it's never too late.
You nailed it on so many levels. I especially appreciate your caution about over using the term narcissist. The over use has made it difficult when you really have someone suffering from this disorder in your life. People dismiss it “everyone thinks the other person is a narcissist.” We need to make a shift here. And we need to stop enabling people who have these tendencies and/or the full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Thank you, Jefferson, for being the light in the darkness. Keep up the great work.
Hello! I just listened to your podcast for the first time on Narcissists this evening, and you hit it “spot on!” I can’t tell you the damage that has been done to me physically, mentally and emotionally for the past 21 years. Finally, through God’s help I have been rescued and still working on reparation of all those years of damage to me and my children/family. Thank God for authentic genuine people like you to help with damage repair and encouragement! Thank you! Kathleen - Manistee, MI
I’m so thankful I’ve done the work in therapy to deal with my mother who is so much of this and that she doesn’t provoke any real reactions from me anymore using a lot of these tools you mentioned. It was a lot of hard work but I don’t feed the dragon anymore
I can absolutely relate. I didn't realise it was an issue at the time from childhood, but I realise more and more that I had developed coping mechanisms - being neutral, silence, not reacting from well before I was in my teens, which is sad when you think about how a child needs to protect themselves from their own mother
I had to walk away from my mother and sister because they were always playing games behind my back to belittling me being very rude, disappointed and disrespectful to me. I dreaded telling them about anything wonderful in my life especially each pregnancy. I didn't say anything until I started to show at 7 months with each child, that way I could enjoy the wonderful thing that was happening in my life. When I got engaged I picked a ring out that my mother would like and she turned her nose up at it and when I asked if I could wear her wedding dress she walked away from me. Ridiculous. I am happy to be free of the games. No contact does wonders. They really miss out on a happy beautiful life.
Same with me. Something about my mother and sister, I'm always on the outside looking in. I have stepped back a lot, as per my Dr telling me to remove myself. I am much happier putting up the boundaries and being on the outskirts.
This method actually works. I just have to remember not get too wordy, I waste my energy and the other person feels justified or satisfied is more accurate.
Same here with being wordy. I think of Jefferson Fisher every time I'm about to send my ex a text that's too long, then I just delete-delete-delete...we have 2 teenagers so we have to communicate somewhat but he is a real gem who only cares about himself. Unfortunately it took me ~15 years in a loveless marriage to REALLY figure that out, then just before 20yrs the divorce was FINAL! I LOVE this channel and I'm SO glad I found it!
Thank you discussing labelling, ie calling someone a "narcissist". I have been told by clinical phycologists that this is not wise, for several reasons. Far better to identify the behaviour and deal with that, which is what you have dealt with. Further to your point, "Silence, can never be misquoted", keeping quiet or not providing information seems to work well. However, the "good" ones seem to have ways to make you talk. Be on your guard.
Unfortunately, I had been in the crazy world of narcissists my entire life. Unknown to me, my mother and (ex spouse) are very narcissistic. I came to that realization less than five years ago. I cut off ties with them. I am no longer jumping through hoops to keep them happy. I am more at peace. God bless you!
You are not alone. Almost 10 years now with no contact with my narcissistic mother. I don't wish that on anyone, but sometimes you have to cut ties for your own mental health. Glad you're more at peace.
Excellent advice as always, Master Fisher. A while back in one of your shorts you explained that the game is rigged, there’s no winning. I have a very close relative who is a narcissist and your advice has finally and radically changed how I interact with him. It has brought me much peace and freedom. Many thanks. ❤
hello jefferson. really enjoy and appreciate your videos. narcissism is more prevalent than meets the eye. normal people see communication as a bridge to understanding others and themselves, resolving problems, fostering mutual respect. narcissists see communication as a tool to manipulate people to advance, conceal and protect their self-serving interests. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
You are 100 percent correct. I wish I could have seen this years ago. We are good people with good motives and intentions. We assume others are too. It is difficult for us to understand, fathom, or prepare for this.
man do i fall into the game when dealing with my son. he is the only person that brings me to tears and upset . this reminds me not to expect him admitting wrong or saying sorry or any empathy even to me his loving Mom. He picked a doozy of a wife and in laws too !! Give me strength, i have 3 granddaughters now....
Yes We don't realise we are in their captivity...it takes a lot of time to understand and Many more years to Come out of a manipulative person...grip Block them..don't answer....stay away to preserve sanity You have to take care of yourself..too
This is one of the most helpful videos about talking to a narcissist I've seen. It gives clear and concise directions/suggestions on how to deal with them.
I was married to a covert high functioning narc for 29 years. I thought I was done with him and that’s not happening. But you keep me instilled with hope. And I need you everyday! Thank you so much Jefferson!!
“You don’t need an apology to validate feelings” If only someone would’ve said that to me years ago,.. I just stumbled upon your channel today and I feel SO understood. I’ve been married for 32 years to a narcissist alcoholic. There have been times that I thought that I was indeed crazy. But listening to you describe identical arguments that I have lived through over and over again lets me know that I’m not the only one who lives with this. I am putting the shovel down. I am so grateful to have found you today 🙏
You are the best!!! When I get a podcast from you I PAY ATTENTION. You are so eloquent when you speak truth. I am dealing with an alcoholic lying to me that he has inoperable stomach cancer. In fact, the ER nurse told me, he has gastritis and pancreatitis. No doubt from his drinking. I stopped drinking thirty years ago (I'm 69) and I see all his manipulative behavior. I have to tune him out it's hard because I don't want him to drink himself to death. But you are so right I tried to help him but all he does is deny the truth and try to make me feel sorry for him. At this point I can't believe anything he says. It's a shame but I accept the fact I have to put up a stop sign because he's sucking me in. Not anymore. He's trying to drag me down with him. I will keep listening to your podcasts to learn how to value my life that I have created and not get destroyed by him. Thank you. Ellenzz
Hey I don't know why you think you don't want him to drink himself to death why do you try to control people do you think you're god? God gives free will people make choices and people face consequences just run your own race
This message about a narcissist was so very helpful for me. One of my sisters has intolerable behavior and plays many mind games often. You may not have a degree in psychology but the advice you give about many topics are simple and practical. Thank you for sharing your God given talents!
I appreciate your podcast,you are helping me through my 55th year of putting up with this stuff The reason I haven’t left is , my children and grandchildren,I don’t want to hurt them , my grandchildren are in their 20s That think the world of him, listening to this podcast today,I now know he will never never change,thank you for your advice,I now will try and be silent,thank you
It's refreshing to hear an attorney talk about a narcissist. It would be nice if judges, prosecutors, and police officers are better informed about narcissism. Great tips and pointers!
Having studied narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) (one of the "dark triad" personality traits) as part of my psychology degree and doing research on this phenomenon, I have quite a lot to say about this topic. Whilst we all have so-called "narcissistic" traits, which are innate and serve to promote survival in certain situations, it's important to realise that this is on a spectrum and can also develop (which is kind of another topic). As for NPD itself, I have an immediate relative who's a textbook example of having this (also observed by my daughter who's a psychiatrist) and have found my own ways, although not easy, to deal with it. I agree with Jefferson Fisher's helpful suggestions here. One key point is to not feed it. Do not give oxygen to fire. It's futile and really not worth it. That said, someone with NPD (at least with someone that I know well) will still try to find something to accuse you of if you remain silent, which is typically criticising your expression or how you're standing/sitting or what you _should_ be saying or doing. Whatever you do/don't do or say/not say will be wrong in their mind.
The advice here is amazing. They will switch it up and be kind or act like they understand when you close yourself off. PLEASE! Remember that this is an ACT! It’s an act to lull you into a false sense of security so you open up again and let your guard down. A real friendship or relationship requires vulnerability in both sides and vulnerability requires trust. The minute you realise they’re baiting you etc they’ll back off then come back, usually when you’re at your lowest or need to open up and BAM! They’ve got you again. It’s really hard if they were your best friend or parent etc because it hurts but it doesn’t hurt as much as when they do this stuff to you.
Thank you so much for your time and sharing. It is helpful on a professional level, I’m an RN, and on a personal level, married to one. Before we separated it was hell, I had to be totally neutral every time I walked into the house, never knew what to expect. He is still really needy of my reassurance and praise, gets upset if I don’t answer a text right away but only answers mine when he wants to.
Thanks, Jefferson. You are SPOT ON! I have been dealing with this for years, and have gone to group coaching sessions for help.Your advice to engage as little as possible makes total sense. "Don't give them anything to latch onto!" Thank you for doing these posts and for giving practical examples. They are so helpful! Many blessings to you and your loved ones in 2025.
I’m convinced that there are people who are not narcissists in the medical sense but they have adopted the behavior and mindset of narcissism for various reasons.
I've had an encounter that required a need to study narcissism. Turns out there's many different types. Some are literally narcissist personality disorder (aka NPD) most qualified to diagnose professionals in healthcare say those type simply need a psychiatrist. Then there's a myriad of narcissist behavior types. Some are, per recent research, genetically predisposed to that behavior. I think it's likely there's this category you've observed as well, I've not reearchex it (yet). Thanks!
The adult children and grandchildren of alcoholics are always in management or caregiver professions.. especially the eldest siblings, "Adults addicted to managing and parenting other adults!" Covert and communal narcissists from higher income and/or functional families! child@emelinerager-golden5553
I learn the best tools from you! Wouldn't miss a podcast. Thanks for simple 3 step solutions. Write a BOOK!!!
Thank you.
Also, I did write a book. Pre-sale starts this month. Check out the link in the bottom of this episode’s description to sign up for book updates. 🙏
@jeffersonfisher looking forward to getting and reading this book.
@@jeffersonfisher can you share what the title is going to be?!
@@jeffersonfisheryay! That'll make good reading and a fabulous gift these holidays!
Wishing you success 💐😎🤘@@jeffersonfisher
Narcissists don't have loved ones. They have hostages.
Yes, and one of the hardest things to get the hostage to see. It's why I've coached women for 20 yrs.
I hope you don't mind if I use that! What you said is the perfect truth❤
… and flying monkeys! 🐒
YES!
So true , my poor daughter 😢…. She has lost so much of her childhood being her narcissistic dads hostage.
‘Silence, can never be misquoted….’ Gold.
Simple truth...Johnny Deep would have love that option.
4'33"
Best takeaway from this video 👊🏻
“I’ll take your silence as yes/no!” Says the narcissist! Trust me they will twist anything to their agenda
@@christophercurtis2315 "silence is violence" I think to myself while giving them a knowing smirk.
I work with a woman where no matter what I share with her, she ignores and starts talking about her own issues, no matter how mundane, she cannot put herself in my shoes, I just don't share anything with her anymore. I found this video incredibly helpful.
Trying to get through to a narcissist is like trying to hammer a nail into the sky.
You hit the nail on the head when you said, "narcissists want the spotlight entirely on them unless they've done something wrong, and they'll quickly try and put it on you."
Absolutely right. Or they'll tell you you're imagining it. I had this experience very recently
Gaslighting! @@ShazWag
Oh hell yeah!
Do you know my brother? 😂
@@misssemilygirl I don't know if she does, but maybe I do. Is his name Dave? 🤣
I am 81 yrs old and walked away from my husband after putting up with him for 55yrs. I am so happy now.
I am so pleased for you!! You are brave indeed .. God bless 🙌
Happy for you Dear ONE. I AM living my 81st year too AFTER being FREE TO BE since age 66 following living with Narcissistic father from age 3 , after WWII ,then thru 2 husbands !!
Took me many years to finally know I wasn't willing to live like that anymore
enJOY your GOLDEN YEARS now 🎉🎉🎉🎉 🎶💃🎶💃🎶💃
I left my narcissist mother 13 years ago
She favored me to make her cup of
Once out the room
She would bad mouth me
To my boyfriends and friends
She destroyed all my relationships
😢a whole lifetime wasted
@@tabithangotho7734I agree I could NOT spend a lifetime being unhappy and disrespected. I can do bad by myself but better late than neither, 0h lord😢
14 years of this and I’ve turned silent. No energy left.
I totally get that. They drain you. Every day, until you are numb and indifferent to their pitiful bs games.
When you are done playing, you win.
I am a retired psychotherapist. This man has great wisdom, and very good suggestions. Excellent advice.
Just recently discovered that my husband is a narcissist. For the past 32 years I have been trying to understand him - why he behaves the way he does. Recently I came across some posts that describes his behaviours spot on! Now that I am aware what I am dealing with, I won't beg his forgiveness anymore, for making him angry, disappointing him, etc. I am enjoying his silent treatment- I feel liberated from the slavery of serving him. It's been a month now.
Stay strong and pray! 🙏
Hallelujah sister 🥰🙏🏻xx
You shouldn’t need to work that hard to be with someone who is supposed to love you. That’s not what love is. Get out of that toxic marriage.
@@April4YHWHno - she needs to divorce this asshole.
yes! unfortunately you will probably never reach resolve or peace with him because it is rare that they finally decide to accept boundaries. It's why I became a life coach for the vast # of women in these situations.
I've been married to a narcissist for 45 years till early this year when the stress landed me in hospital for 3 days. This last straw was a wake-up call for self-care & I walked out of his life. That was the best thing that had ever happened in my life so far & am feeling so peaceful & happy ever since.
Wow you give me peace . I stuck around for 30 yrs. I realize just recently what a little insecure and insignificant man he is
Happened to me too. Five years ago, I had the courage to walk away from over 20 years of that. I had nothing. It's taken awhile to heal. But I'm doing just fine. I wish the best for you.
44 years for me. And here I was, thinking I was the only one who put up with this for so long. I guess not. So glad you got out and are happy and peaceful after all that you've been through. You give me hope. Thank you! ❤
Noted.😂😂
I left after 29 years and have so much respect that you did it at 45 years, that's an epic bad ass move! Nice!!
100% right. There is absolutely no winning with a narcissist, except for this only: peaceful silence and exiting the relationship.
Peaceful silence doesn't work with a true Narc because it arouses suspicion and they will then manufacture a problem to illicit your attention anyway. The Narc must remain in control.
I realized in 2015, that the professional group that truly understood narcissists, was not psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. It was divorce attorneys.
This is Interesting to know. Wow! Thanks for sharing.
This is bc Narcs do 'nothing wrong'. They do not enter therapy bc they are not the problem, everyone else is. Nothing is wrong with them. Therapists generally see only those who's lives have been wrecked by these hateful, demonic people, not the narcissist themselves.
Bcos it takes a lot of analysis, normal people will surely get caught up in a narc trap and those monkeys are even louder than narc itself. Very sad reality.
it depends on the therapist. not everyone specializes in everything (too broad) it has to be someone who understands personality disorders,, narcs traits are not the same as a diagnosis. and some therapists dont like 'labeling ' right away; know why you are seeking help; it's their job to guide you. also, Not all Attorneys understand this either. also attorneys probably see more narcs spouses. , nacs dont seek therapy because their nothing wrong with them lol and many attorneys have a personality disorder themselves...they love the attention and prestige. Similarly, i hear the "he is bipolar" yet most people dont understand what it is... is not just "anger"
@@smoothy2278 yes narcs do a good job at manipulating others. therapy doesnt work for them. nothing is ever their fault, adn they lack insight (they deflect any accountability to others)
“Silence can never be misquoted.” 🎯
Love this
"I don't need an apology to validate my feelings." Sir, you just handed me gold nuggets. Thank you
I wish that everyone who has had to have any association with a narcissist will be able to hear this from Jefferson Fisher.
Spot on! Don’t play their games… You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.Thank you!
Haha true boobie prizes
SO TRUE🙀
Spot on. 😂
👍
Ong they love games so childish😂😂 only as an adult its scary af smh
I think it's worth mentioning: if you notice you keep attracting narcissistic types. You need to do some introspection. Narcissistic personalities feed on empathic personalities. There is nothing wrong with being an empath, but it is vital to maintain strong boundaries and follow through.
Yassss!
This, do the work on yourself, understand your past unhealed traumas.and you'll repel them. Stay kind and good, don't be nice. Trust me, you'll feel so empowered being your true authentic self. 💯
How can you set boundaries with a narcissist who retaliates if you set boundaries to follow a contract and you are in a legal contract with them and can't get out of the contract?
Yesss 😢damn…true … I was a daughter of one and married a few 😅
Interesting, because I definitely am an empath and have just realized after an huge incident that a close family member is probably a narcissist. I am not a diagnosing physician. This helped a lot. TY
Oh my gosh, I am in tears, I have gone through narcissistic abuse for 13 years. I have pleaded, cried, begged, made myself a fool to make him see that I love him but his behavior remains toxic. But no matter how pathetic I make myself, he will continue to say I am the reason he is verbally abusive, unfaithful and dishonest in the marriage. Why are people so evil! How can you do this to someone you say you love. It hurts so bad. 😢 I have finally filed for divorce, took me 13 years 😭
What a narcissist wants, more than anything else, is the accolades he feels he deserves...LOL They are very hard to spot, as they're skilled at hiding their disorder, off balance mentally from the world.
Congratulations! You have made the best decision of your life. I left an narcissistic alcoholic, I fought to leave my home but I'm now 600 miles away from HIM and I'm safe! I pray your healing is expedited my dear as you deserve love, understanding and compassion. No one understands the pain involved in loving a narcissist unless they've lived it!
@@lesliewilde5130 You're so right, they're NEVER HAPPY with you, so dishonest and unfaithful behind your back and they even leave your apartment with the pillows on your bed. How low the floor is for them, they want to destroy you at their level. They are master manipulate and love to play the victim. ALLO...BOZO...
@@lesliewilde5130 thank you so much I appreciate your kind words 💗, Much need as I go through this difficult time
Get out ASAP! They don’t change!
I'm a therapist and YOU ARE THE BEST! Very helpful. I use your tools all the time.
I am also a therapist and think Jefferson is very astute.
At 82 years of age I walked away from a close relationship with my sister! Finally I am finding myself and being happier by the minute!
We never stop learning and growing. I've been coaching women in these situations for 20 yrs and recently had to deal with this w/ my brother.
I did too. Family members can be the worst.
@@juliewarwick303 thank you! People don’t understand! You have to be there!
i am the SCAPEGOAT of a narc family. My life is hard and lonely. Thank you. Please pray for me anyone that feels led🥰
You are not alone nor the only one. Stay strong!
Not a religious person, but wish you much healing 💖
Me too
Relate prayers up
GOD bless you.
1. Dont play the game. Dont talk to them. They delight in your frustration. They feed off that control. Silence is golden.
2. Dont make any moves. Silence, say nothing. Gray rock. Dont try to reason w them. They will twist your words. Stay neutral. Just say... "noted, that's good to know. "
Dont try to get them to see your side. They are incapable. Instead, say, it's time for my sense of self and strength. Focus on you.
3. No apology. They are incapable. They never admit blame. Instead, you dont need an apology to validate your feelings. Keep on walking. Be indifferent. ❤
Thank you for listening!!
Well said. All true.... I'm not playing no more.
“Silence is your best friend.”
"Noted." Is one of the strongest responses you could ever give. Love it.
Useful variations are: " You have a point"; "I'll think about that"; " I see where you are coming from"; "i hadn't thought about it that way".
I always say, "Youre right!" He loses interest really quickly.
"Yes " Ah ok" " I see"
" Okay" .
"You don't need an apology to validate feelings." Thank you for such a liberating sentence. I can't wait for the book !
Coming soon!
And if they do it will be fake.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! The most damaging narcissist is a mother, her child has no idea why they don’t matter. I am 75 but didn’t learn about narcissism until 10 years ago. It was an “aha” moment of realization and freedom. My mom was a classic, textbook narcissist. She died two years ago, as selfish and cruel as ever. I have not shed one tear and feel no grief. Thanks to information such as you have provided, I also feel no guilt. I am a survivor and have close and loving relationships with my wonderful children.
Sometimes you have to grieve that what wasn't there 😢
I am so glad you addressed this topic. I have a son who has narcissistic tendencies and have not verbally spoken to him in more than a year. I'm not being yelled at, having my words twisted, and being talked down to. It has been the most peaceful and happiest year of my life. You're so right - don't play the game!
Silence can’t be misquoted
Sigh, realizing no matter how hard you try, they don't hear you. I am trying to be gentle with myself for wasting so much of my time trying..Thank you Jefferson ✌️
This guy is not only super handsome but smart!
That's lethal combo in my opinion!
👍👏🙂
And super nice.. 😊
Oh my goodness was just thinking the same thing!
New subs here ❤ - YESSSSS WE SEE 👀 HE IS AWESOMELY HANDSOME, WELL INFORMED, EDUCATED!!! Please give a 👍 so the rest of us can listen, pay attention, and retain his information …. OMG, we can barely get through His content & advice because we are continually reading “He so handsome”
🤗🥰🤗 Awe He so handsome, he’s got to be married, we had to watch this vid 3x just to look at him 😉 & listen twice to be sure we 💯 understood him …. 🤣😆😂 This guys info is genius, thank you sir, your greatly appreciated ❤🥰
I heard somewhere, its not only that they're not listening, they won't hear you.
"Silence can never be misquoted." I have been "silent" with an adult son for over a year now, and although I pray that we have some reconciliation before one of us dies, I have never experienced such Peace. My strength comes from The Lord, Jefferson, He is using you
to give us Wisdom, Guidance & Encouragement.😊
Thankyou for understanding and validating our pain and confusion. Gratefully, G.
I understand it’s been 2 years for my silence with my son and DIL. I found so much peace after I walked away from their game. I also pray that someday before I die there is a reconciliation, sadly I’m not holding my breath. Wishing you much love and blessings
Silence can never be misquoted nor twisted. Wow, that's classy and deep.
Love that
Do not be alone with one! And don't tell them no, just run
I have been doing exactly what you've said NOT to do....over explaining. And you're ABSOLUTELY right, it does not work. I guess a part of me is hoping that he'll come around and see the hurt that he causes...but it hasn't happened. It was very, no extremely difficult to accept that I'm married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He was diagnosed almost eleven years ago and for that time I've been "hoping" he would change. And you're SOOOO right, it's never going to happen. My heart breaks for people who are married to this type person. Thank you Jefferson. You're tremendously helpful.
Me too 😢
See my response, sharing my experience. I finally had to save myself from my destructive marriage. When my physical and emotional health began to suffer, I knew my marriage wasn't worth the sacrifices I was making. Blessings to you if you're choosing to stay.
@@darralansman9895So my situation is different in that I'm not in a place where I can simply pack up and move out. I'm grateful that I do not have minor children being affected by the toxicity, however. And over the years I've been given a plethora of tools to help me navigate the rare interactions which I have with him. Those tools, however, only help me to remain healthy and strong emotionally; they do nothing for the hurt and pain I feel for those who are stuck and see no way out. Narcissism is real...and a person's pain is real. Were it not for my relationship with the Lord I really would have lost my mind...no joke. I've grown to the place where I can recognize his tactics...which is why I've stopped trying to explain...and Jefferson's post has helped to remind me of such. Again, I just want to see people free...and it's hard to know that such evilness lurks in the hearts of people...and one within my very home.
Overexplaining just gives them more opportunity to twist your words! Narcissists never change, even if - by miracle - they realize the hurt they did.
Me too. 😢
lol Jefferson, I tried to be silent with my ex-narcissistic husband. He actually belittled me endlessly for being silent!! He ranted and raged about me by repeating over and over “you said nothing!, you said nothing “” These type of people can make anything or “nothing” you do wrong!!
“Praise or provoke - a trigger carnival game…” Jefferson, you have incredibly unique gifts of insight and action plans. You supply the armament and we feel like we are in the car with you!
You don't want to give it a label to anyone to anyone else as that can backfire, but for yourself, it's good to know what you're up against, so you can make better choices, dont get drawn into emotionally draining, futile arguments, learn the art of neutrality, not over sharing, firewalling, soul distancing and self validation.
As you state so beautifully, it's a know your worth mentality where you come to know who and or what is worth your time and emotional energy.
Thank you Jefferson!!!!!
Praise or be provoked or be scorned... by a narcissistic mother
my life story.
This also gave us an amazing tool to identifying a Narc or toxic person… speak highly of a person to them and see how they react…if they tear them down or use the opportunity to talk about themselves that’s a major red flag. If instead, they use the opportunity to praise that person further, or they seem to really enjoy hearing about it that’s just seriously major points for that person and someone that you probably want to add to your circle.
Thank you so much. You are the only person who has ever shown me how to communicate and I will soon be 72 years old. Trial and error has long been the norm and that is a hard road to travel.
God bless you for your generosity in helping so many others.
Dee Clements
Bless your heart if you're still on that road. I encourage you, if you're staying in a relationship with a narcissist, learn how to stay well. JF is great and there are many other great resources if facing a long-term journey. I recommend authors Leslie Vernick, Dr.Craig Malkin, Dr. David Hawkins (Marriage Recovery Center), Bill Eddy (LCSW JD), and many other good UA-cam podcasts.
I will soon be 54. Spent too much money in counseling, decades, to only learn more useful, helpful information from this man in about 1 year! The wasted years are hard to handle. I appreciate this information for the present and future. Make the most of what time we have. SO thankful but wish I had known early in ife.
Me too, 72 in a month. Been there with my ex (22 yrs) & now my son who lives with me. It just goes on. All I want is peace. X
I agree 100%! I had a narcissist go off on me, attacking my character. She knew nothing about me really. I didn't engage, explain. I stayed silent. It made her furious and claimed to others that I attacked her. Luckily, I had a witness.
It takes a long time to recognize their behavior for what it is because they're master manipulaters. They're experts at reading you and being who you want them to be. It took me years to learn these lessons and give up the hope that I could affect change in our marriage. Hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars in counseling were wasted in trying to have a loving and respectful marriage. Divorcing a narcissist is a whole different level of the "game," and they thrive on the challenge! The strategies JF outlined are paramount in keeping myself out of the emotional turmoil of trying to reason with someone who isn't capable of reasoning or being rational. His goal is to win, regardless of the cost.😖
Also... growing up from childhood with a narcissistic parent takes years to notice and cause more psychological and esteem damage than another person.
So sorry to hear of your situation. I pray your divorce will be finalized soon and then your healing can begin. You deserve love, respect and compassion. Godspeed!🤗
SILENCE IS GOLDEN..
So hard to do - but, it’s doesn’t feed into their game. Staying NEUTRAL is a source of strength.
Thankful for your words of wisdom.
No contact and blocking id the best, and most effective, “ golden silence”.
I’ll be watching this one everyday for awhile! “Praise and provoke” - this is so spot on. Not enough praise (or recognition or attention) being given to them, and they will say or do something provocative, often seemingly out of the blue. It’s a pattern with these types that I’ve seen over & over.
I didn't have any idea what I was up against until after my life was in shambles. I even had a written diagnosis (ASPD/NPD) that I ignored because I had to believe he loved me. The therapist said right to his face in front of me "You are a sociopath." Unfortunately, I was surrounded by low empathy, emotionally immature, hostile people from my own family to both of our lawyers and the judge in the divorce. I stayed silent all these years in hopes of reducing conflict for my kids but things only continued. I wish I knew these things then, but I am glad you are here. No one but two insightful therapists ever seemed to understand what was really going on. I'd like to think that meeting you back then would have changed a lot for me and my children, but the truth is I wouldn't have believed you. I got warnings (some even from him) and I ignored them all. I needed to believe we were normal and happy. It was the same lie I believed about my family and if I accepted it wasn't real I was going to lose everything I had built my whole life around so I denied reality until my entire life was destroyed and the ugly truth was undeniable.
❤
It’s not going to happen. Ever.
Gray Stone method. My counselor suggested I put a tiny stone in my hand to remind me to kindly be silent or answers using two or three words when in the presence of two family members and my husband. It works but they figure it out and play the total silent game too. Which is beautiful. 👍🏻👍🏻 The best thing I did was journal the crazy. I handed it to my counselor, her response - we will be dealing with narcissistic behavior. I worked on me and saved my life!
So true! Nailed it. Every example you mentioned is true. They flip it and blame you. You can’t win. So don’t try. Move on.
The hard part for me is keeping my cool. Your thoughts about doing what's best for ME and not trying to convince the narcissist to see my side was THE BEST tool! Thank you
Use BIFF with a narcissist: Brief Information, Friendly but Firm. One sentence only is all they need. Thanks, Jefferson!
A sentence without them interrupting? Impossible. Make your answers as short as possible.
Simplified and to the point! Learned to deal with family using BIFF and it works!
Don't Play the Game with them: Praise or Provoke! Flipping one word you said and leaving out the rest. Dear Jefferson, you are 100% on point!!!
Jefferson you hit it out of the park today. I've experienced all of this and much more during my 42+ years of marriage to a Malignant Narcissistic Husband. We've been in the process of Divorce since June 2023. Thank you for your advice and examples given on how to respond to a Narcissist. It's extremely important to keep it short when communicating with a Narcissist. Never, ever confront them on their lies. It only makes them double down on the lies and it can lead them to a volatile level with you.
I choose to move out permanently, separated since November 2022, for my safety. Because his mental state had become volatile. When I left, I went NO COMMUNICATION, total silence. I didn't know it then, but now I've learned that's the best way to handle a Narcissist. I knew it was the best thing for my mental and physical health. So, Thank you for your insightful podcasts. You'll never know who needs to hear your advice.
I was young and dumb! I married one!!!
No one spoke about Narcissistic behavior back in 1970!!!
great one liner; “put down the shovel and keep on walking”
I just want to say, I feel so good inside when I listen/watch your videos. You have a gentle loving soul and it is very healing - your person, your voice, the way you genuinely care about human interaction and communication. You are refreshing and I had to tell you that.
Thank you so much for being your best you, always.
"Look within and understand you don't need an apology to validate your own feelings."
Practical tools when dealing with a narcissist, there's a place in your mind you have to go to to deal with a narcissist. Don't play the game. Any time you are talking to a narc you are walking into their trap. Unless they get praise they will provoke because they delight in your frustration. This is not something you can win. They feed off of that control. They want the spotlight entirely on them. It is a game. Best thing you can do:
Recognise you are in a game.
1. Choose to take your pieces off the board.
2. Best move you can make is no move at all. Say nothing, It cant be misquoted. Choose silence. Your silence can't be twisted. Stay neutral in the convo. Avoid saying things that are hurtful, ugly, rude or disrespectful to put them down. - say "ok" "noted." "thank you for saying that". "I understand"
3. Go to a place in your mind. Don't try and convince. They cant understand. Stop trying. Empty hole. Get to a place where you think to yourself - switch- it's time I think about myself and my peace of mind and where I draw my strength from. Narcs only take. You're not going to get an apology. Instead think you don't need an apology. Put down the shovel and keep on walking.
--- Jefferson Fisher
Thank you!
Thanks for summarizing!
Absolutely. I had the hardest time with this; believing it is true without that. It is the elephant in the room that they will never address.
I have chosen silence this time and focusing just on my peace. Lets see how it goes !
This is so important for all to understand and it’s hard for most to accept:you can’t win with a narcissist. You can’t win. Accept that and let them be. They will move on to another victim.
I wish I could go back in time and just fade away from my mother. I caused myself so much pain trying to beg her to HEAR me and treat me well.
Susana, I wish we could communicate…..I am also the adult daughter of a ruthless narcissist/ borderline sociopath. I wish I knew someone else who understood the devastation of what it feels like to have a mother who doesn’t have love for you. It’s unnatural….and it fks up your head. But the fact is, my mother is the most dangerous person in my life. I have and will always fear her.
Same here # healing@@lx7645
❤
I’m so sorry. I’m glad you realized your worth 💛🦋
Same
“I don’t need an apology to validate my feelings”
I am 49 and this simple, undiscovered truth just instantly changed my life.
This has unchained me from an emotional torture chamber since the person in my life will NEVER apologize, never have and never will.
Because of my love, I never want to hurt or “shut down” this person.
Your kindness approach helps me stay on the higher path and keep exercising the bible principle that “Love Never Fails.”
I love this person because I know trauma and CPTSD has caused irreversible damage in thought processes and faulty perceptions of reality.
Exactly, go into good customer service mode. Smile, breath and look them in the eye and say " I understand", " I am glad you told me". Both parties can learn something in a challenging conversation.
I appreciate your calm, sound-minded approach to dealing with self-centered people.
I work with a narcissist at work. I am a woman. I got her into a place of “distance” although we have to work together… I don’t share my life anymore… I used to…I’m polite but only work is our relationship now…..just work… She told two of my bosses (who are men) that I hurt her feelings and she cried and made me look like the bad guy. One in fact told me that I hurt her feelings…It’s all a big game that she plays very well….Everything in me wants to tell her off, but I know it will work against me, she has no feelings…she just wants control….thank you for all your tips and help. I really appreciate it.
I can't wait to watch this - sounds just like my work colleague.
Yep they are the victims. Exactly the same things happened to me at work and in family. I politely set boundaries and the infuriated them. They need to manipulate someone else to get revenge.
Sounds exactly like my coworker, I door slam her last week and just hoping that I won't have to work with her ever again. This has caused extreme mental health issues for me.
Eek. Sounds like my sister in law. NR. Lol She claims to have bi polar but she has little to no genuine symptoms of it it seems .....we had been struggling with a relationship for a decade and I suddenly realized maybe I could help support her understanding her bipolar. Surprise! She didn't fit the bill, but she sure does for NPD (or perhaps even sociopathy or something....).
She says a lot of strange stuff about work that I don't buy ...how she's just not recognized for her amazing ethic etc But my mom is NPD And I witnessed her doing that throughout my childhood. She would slack off at work and shove work on to others and then cry and complain and even rage at others when she was called out.
@@peterc66 I get that!!! Makes you physically ill.
There is a huge percentage of narcissist that will never get a diagnosis of it because they will not go to a therapist. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them.
Exactly ...everything iv ever researched on narcisstic personality disorder ...always says therapy or even getting a therapist to diagnose is impossible....all it does is teach them how to be even more manipulative
Family members. I still don't get why they do this, and it is so exhausting to have to deal with. Thank you so much Jefferson. I have recognised over the past two years that my brother is a gaslighter and probably a narcissist. I appreciate all of this advice, it feels so good to have some strategies for me to stay calm and unaffected.
Family can be where personality disorders are worst. In addition to sibling rivalry, there's what I call 'familial complacency,' where some members of the family act like family is stuck with you so they feel they can act any way they want. Why this isn't warned about culturally, I don't know.
Narcissists have basic patterns of behaviour, all of them.
In other words, they run on rails. You know what they're going to do or say in advance. This is their major weakness, and once you realise it, it's your strength.
Amen! And a sexual narcissist goes by a script - you have basically no input in that aspect of the relationship.
Best take-aways for me: keep the communication on text for record, and keep it short to not offer choices on what they answer back.
Thank you! I learn so much from your posts!
But beware that they can and will edit your replies. Keep your own copies.
Or deny and blame you for editing it,I’ve been there,it’s still not their fault
A narcissist has the most control over those who love them. My daughter has been rewriting our family history since she was 13 years old. She is 45 now and has turned us, ner parents, into monsters in her mind. She now weaponizes our granddaughter and accuses us of not wanting to see her when it is SHE we simply cant be around without her hurting us, So we know to not own her attacks, but completely walking away from her and our grand daughter is a hard swallow!
Jefferson Fisher has great advice. He is so sincere and helpful. It's like he really cares.
I really like this podcast! You give great information on this. Years ago I was going through a very difficult divorce and child custody case. I have learned since then the my ex actually had a diagnosis of being a narcissist. I suspected it. We went to court order physiological testing and parenting classes. One of the head doctors told me in private that when dealing with my ex, especially on the phone, don’t play the game. It takes 2 to play and if I take myself out, there’s no game. He went on to tell me pretty much what you’ve just talked about. My ex would typically call me at work, he liked to get me rattled at work so I’d have a miserable time for the rest of the day. These techniques worked wonders!! All the difference in the world! Thank you for this advice.
This video is so accurate! Any interaction you have with them is a game. There are givers and takers in this world and narcissists are takers.
i just discovered your podcast! i love it. I am married to a covert narcissist. I've learned a lot in the last couple years. I don't think we've ever had a conversation. He is either thinking out loud or spewing information. The thing that I have trouble with is when we are with other people, he repeats every anectdote he knows that begins with "I". Whatever they say, he starts with "I". It mortifies me! I don't want to invite people over, meet new people, travel with others.
I am facing a narcissist in our workplace just recently and I'm having a hard time dealing with it .Sometimes, I can't control my emotions by raising my voice. This is very helpful Jeff .Thank you , this means a lot to me .❤❤❤
Finally arrived at the “me” stage. It’s taken me long enough but better late than never 😅💪🏽
I’ve known a narcissist. More importantly I have been one most of my younger life. I lend it to immaturity for some of it. Since I’ve learned from Jesus how to relate with others with empathy and patience. I’ve matured to be aware of my own agenda too.
Thank you Jefferson for opening up your toolbox and showing us how to use these tools! God bless brother!
That is amazing and incredibly brave of you!!! All things are possible with God!
Yeal, RIGHT! Your not fooling anyone.
How did you change?
Maybe you weren't a real narcissist. Maybe it was a way of coping you learnt. I know people can change. God believes in you. He made you and no one knows you better!
@gloria8027 Do you know this person?
These are good.
I am married to a narcissist sociopath. We are informally separated which works out well because I am in charge of our finances that way.
When I realized I was in over my head I found ways to spend a as little time with him as possible. He would make us late for church every week. I would tell that we should take two cars and give him good reasons for that decision. I too love texts because it keeps the conversation short and gives me a written record of what he said. I am always very careful to be positive in my tone. I don’t even try to work through issues. There is no point
Thank you Jefferson. The more I learn and understand about narcissistic behavior, the more I realize how right you are about this being the only way to deal with them. Minimal response or silence. Everything else they turn back on themselves. It's a lonely life being married to one. Thankfully I now know how to cope and look after myself. Took me forever to figure it out. But hey, it's never too late.
Thank you for your excellent and wonderful communication tips. ❤
I cried😂 This video was better than 10 years of therapy. God bless your family; God bless America ❤️🙏🏽🌷🧘🏾♀️💎🥷👑🥳
You nailed it on so many levels. I especially appreciate your caution about over using the term narcissist. The over use has made it difficult when you really have someone suffering from this disorder in your life. People dismiss it “everyone thinks the other person is a narcissist.”
We need to make a shift here. And we need to stop enabling people who have these tendencies and/or the full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Thank you, Jefferson, for being the light in the darkness. Keep up the great work.
Hello! I just listened to your podcast for the first time on Narcissists this evening, and you hit it “spot on!” I can’t tell you the damage that has been done to me physically, mentally and emotionally for the past 21 years. Finally, through God’s help I have been rescued and still working on reparation of all those years of damage to me and my children/family. Thank God for authentic genuine people like you to help with damage repair and encouragement! Thank you!
Kathleen - Manistee, MI
I’m so thankful I’ve done the work in therapy to deal with my mother who is so much of this and that she doesn’t provoke any real reactions from me anymore using a lot of these tools you mentioned. It was a lot of hard work but I don’t feed the dragon anymore
I can absolutely relate. I didn't realise it was an issue at the time from childhood, but I realise more and more that I had developed coping mechanisms - being neutral, silence, not reacting from well before I was in my teens, which is sad when you think about how a child needs to protect themselves from their own mother
@@SummerUsagiBB but we’re strong enough to break that cycle. ❤️🩹
I had to walk away from my mother and sister because they were always playing games behind my back to belittling me being very rude, disappointed and disrespectful to me. I dreaded telling them about anything wonderful in my life especially each pregnancy. I didn't say anything until I started to show at 7 months with each child, that way I could enjoy the wonderful thing that was happening in my life. When I got engaged I picked a ring out that my mother would like and she turned her nose up at it and when I asked if I could wear her wedding dress she walked away from me. Ridiculous. I am happy to be free of the games. No contact does wonders. They really miss out on a happy beautiful life.
Same with me. Something about my mother and sister, I'm always on the outside looking in. I have stepped back a lot, as per my Dr telling me to remove myself. I am much happier putting up the boundaries and being on the outskirts.
This method actually works. I just have to remember not get too wordy, I waste my energy and the other person feels justified or satisfied is more accurate.
Same here with being wordy. I think of Jefferson Fisher every time I'm about to send my ex a text that's too long, then I just delete-delete-delete...we have 2 teenagers so we have to communicate somewhat but he is a real gem who only cares about himself. Unfortunately it took me ~15 years in a loveless marriage to REALLY figure that out, then just before 20yrs the divorce was FINAL! I LOVE this channel and I'm SO glad I found it!
Me too..like getting sucked into that cycle hamsterwheel.
Thank you discussing labelling, ie calling someone a "narcissist". I have been told by clinical phycologists that this is not wise, for several reasons. Far better to identify the behaviour and deal with that, which is what you have dealt with. Further to your point, "Silence, can never be misquoted", keeping quiet or not providing information seems to work well. However, the "good" ones seem to have ways to make you talk. Be on your guard.
Unfortunately, I had been in the crazy world of narcissists my entire life. Unknown to me, my mother and (ex spouse) are very narcissistic. I came to that realization less than five years ago. I cut off ties with them. I am no longer jumping through hoops to keep them happy. I am more at peace. God bless you!
😟
You are not alone. Almost 10 years now with no contact with my narcissistic mother. I don't wish that on anyone, but sometimes you have to cut ties for your own mental health. Glad you're more at peace.
The world of codependency
I admire your courage!👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Excellent advice as always, Master Fisher. A while back in one of your shorts you explained that the game is rigged, there’s no winning. I have a very close relative who is a narcissist and your advice has finally and radically changed how I interact with him. It has brought me much peace and freedom. Many thanks. ❤
hello jefferson. really enjoy and appreciate your videos. narcissism is more prevalent than meets the eye.
normal people see communication as a bridge to understanding others and themselves, resolving problems, fostering mutual respect.
narcissists see communication as a tool to manipulate people to advance, conceal and protect their self-serving interests.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
You are 100 percent correct. I wish I could have seen this years ago. We are good people with good motives and intentions. We assume others are too. It is difficult for us to understand, fathom, or prepare for this.
man do i fall into the game when dealing with my son. he is the only person that brings me to tears and upset . this reminds me not to expect him admitting wrong or saying sorry or any empathy even to me his loving Mom. He picked a doozy of a wife and in laws too !! Give me strength, i have 3 granddaughters now....
Wish I’d had this advice 40 years ago
same, only 5 years ago but i f****CKD up my approach. Tried to be ''heard'' - as if.
Yes
We don't realise we are in their captivity...it takes a lot of time to understand and
Many more years to
Come out of a manipulative person...grip
Block them..don't answer....stay away to preserve sanity
You have to take care of yourself..too
don't we all.
This is one of the most helpful videos about talking to a narcissist I've seen. It gives clear and concise directions/suggestions on how to deal with them.
I was married to a covert high functioning narc for 29 years. I thought I was done with him and that’s not happening. But you keep me instilled with hope. And I need you everyday! Thank you so much Jefferson!!
wow 29 years so sorry.
“You don’t need an apology to validate feelings” If only someone would’ve said that to me years ago,..
I just stumbled upon your channel today and I feel SO understood. I’ve been married for 32 years to a narcissist alcoholic. There have been times that I thought that I was indeed crazy. But listening to you describe identical arguments that I have lived through over and over again lets me know that I’m not the only one who lives with this.
I am putting the shovel down.
I am so grateful to have found you today 🙏
You are the best!!! When I get a podcast from you I PAY ATTENTION. You are so eloquent when you speak truth. I am dealing with an alcoholic lying to me that he has inoperable stomach cancer. In fact, the ER nurse told me, he has gastritis and pancreatitis. No doubt from his drinking. I stopped drinking thirty years ago (I'm 69) and I see all his manipulative behavior. I have to tune him out it's hard because I don't want him to drink himself to death. But you are so right I tried to help him but all he does is deny the truth and try to make me feel sorry for him. At this point I can't believe anything he says. It's a shame but I accept the fact I have to put up a stop sign because he's sucking me in. Not anymore. He's trying to drag me down with him. I will keep listening to your podcasts to learn how to value my life that I have created and not get destroyed by him. Thank you.
Ellenzz
Hey I don't know why you think you don't want him to drink himself to death why do you try to control people do you think you're god? God gives free will people make choices and people face consequences just run your own race
This message about a narcissist was so very helpful for me. One of my sisters has intolerable behavior and plays many mind games often. You may not have a degree in psychology but the advice you give about many topics are simple and practical.
Thank you for sharing your God given talents!
I appreciate your podcast,you are helping me through my 55th year of putting up with this stuff
The reason I haven’t left is , my children and grandchildren,I don’t want to hurt them , my grandchildren are in their 20s
That think the world of him, listening to this podcast today,I now know he will never never change,thank you for your advice,I now will try and be silent,thank you
It's refreshing to hear an attorney talk about a narcissist. It would be nice if judges, prosecutors, and police officers are better informed about narcissism. Great tips and pointers!
Narcissists have a LOT in common with toddlers. Except the toddler outgrows it.
This is so true
Seriously. 😒 Reminds me of when my eldest was outgrowing those symptoms at 3-5 years old but recognizing that my mom hadn't....😢
They truly are two year olds. Temper tantrums. They are emotionally deficient.
The one I deal with I have said recently…you didn’t learn this in kindergarten? It’s called taking turns and sharing 😅. You’re so right!
Exactly! Tyrant kings full of tantrums and meltdowns
Having studied narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) (one of the "dark triad" personality traits) as part of my psychology degree and doing research on this phenomenon, I have quite a lot to say about this topic. Whilst we all have so-called "narcissistic" traits, which are innate and serve to promote survival in certain situations, it's important to realise that this is on a spectrum and can also develop (which is kind of another topic). As for NPD itself, I have an immediate relative who's a textbook example of having this (also observed by my daughter who's a psychiatrist) and have found my own ways, although not easy, to deal with it. I agree with Jefferson Fisher's helpful suggestions here. One key point is to not feed it. Do not give oxygen to fire. It's futile and really not worth it. That said, someone with NPD (at least with someone that I know well) will still try to find something to accuse you of if you remain silent, which is typically criticising your expression or how you're standing/sitting or what you _should_ be saying or doing. Whatever you do/don't do or say/not say will be wrong in their mind.
So true
The advice here is amazing. They will switch it up and be kind or act like they understand when you close yourself off. PLEASE! Remember that this is an ACT! It’s an act to lull you into a false sense of security so you open up again and let your guard down. A real friendship or relationship requires vulnerability in both sides and vulnerability requires trust. The minute you realise they’re baiting you etc they’ll back off then come back, usually when you’re at your lowest or need to open up and BAM! They’ve got you again. It’s really hard if they were your best friend or parent etc because it hurts but it doesn’t hurt as much as when they do this stuff to you.
Thank you so much for your time and sharing. It is helpful on a professional level, I’m an RN, and on a personal level, married to one. Before we separated it was hell, I had to be totally neutral every time I walked into the house, never knew what to expect.
He is still really needy of my reassurance and praise, gets upset if I don’t answer a text right away but only answers mine when he wants to.
Thanks, Jefferson. You are SPOT ON! I have been dealing with this for years, and have gone to group coaching sessions for help.Your advice to engage as little as possible makes total sense. "Don't give them anything to latch onto!" Thank you for doing these posts and for giving practical examples. They are so helpful! Many blessings to you and your loved ones in 2025.
I’m convinced that there are people who are not narcissists in the medical sense but they have adopted the behavior and mindset of narcissism for various reasons.
I've had an encounter that required a need to study narcissism. Turns out there's many different types. Some are literally narcissist personality disorder (aka NPD) most qualified to diagnose professionals in healthcare say those type simply need a psychiatrist. Then there's a myriad of narcissist behavior types. Some are, per recent research, genetically predisposed to that behavior. I think it's likely there's this category you've observed as well, I've not reearchex it (yet). Thanks!
Narcissists are Demons!
WOW. I SEE THAT IN NURSES AND SOME DOCTORS. I MUST HAVE A PERSONALITY THAT DRAWS THEM AS A PATIENT. IM A SENIOR
The adult children and grandchildren of alcoholics are always in management or caregiver professions.. especially the eldest siblings, "Adults addicted to managing and parenting other adults!" Covert and communal narcissists from higher income and/or functional families! child@emelinerager-golden5553