Thank you. Also, I did write a book. Pre-sale starts this month. Check out the link in the bottom of this episode’s description to sign up for book updates. 🙏
I've been married to a narcissist for 45 years till early this year when the stress landed me in hospital for 3 days. This last straw was a wake-up call for self-care & I walked out of his life. That was the best thing that had ever happened in my life so far & am feeling so peaceful & happy ever since.
Happened to me too. Five years ago, I had the courage to walk away from over 20 years of that. I had nothing. It's taken awhile to heal. But I'm doing just fine. I wish the best for you.
44 years for me. And here I was, thinking I was the only one who put up with this for so long. I guess not. So glad you got out and are happy and peaceful after all that you've been through. You give me hope. Thank you! ❤
Happy for you Dear ONE. I AM living my 81st year too AFTER being FREE TO BE since age 66 following living with Narcissistic father from age 3 , after WWII ,then thru 2 husbands !! Took me many years to finally know I wasn't willing to live like that anymore enJOY your GOLDEN YEARS now 🎉🎉🎉🎉 🎶💃🎶💃🎶💃
I left my narcissist mother 13 years ago She favored me to make her cup of Once out the room She would bad mouth me To my boyfriends and friends She destroyed all my relationships
You hit the nail on the head when you said, "narcissists want the spotlight entirely on them unless they've done something wrong, and they'll quickly try and put it on you."
I realized in 2015, that the professional group that truly understood narcissists, was not psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. It was divorce attorneys.
This is bc Narcs do 'nothing wrong'. They do not enter therapy bc they are not the problem, everyone else is. Nothing is wrong with them. Therapists generally see only those who's lives have been wrecked by these hateful, demonic people, not the narcissist themselves.
Bcos it takes a lot of analysis, normal people will surely get caught up in a narc trap and those monkeys are even louder than narc itself. Very sad reality.
it depends on the therapist. not everyone specializes in everything (too broad) it has to be someone who understands personality disorders,, narcs traits are not the same as a diagnosis. and some therapists dont like 'labeling ' right away; know why you are seeking help; it's their job to guide you. also, Not all Attorneys understand this either. also attorneys probably see more narcs spouses. , nacs dont seek therapy because their nothing wrong with them lol and many attorneys have a personality disorder themselves...they love the attention and prestige. Similarly, i hear the "he is bipolar" yet most people dont understand what it is... is not just "anger"
@@smoothy2278 yes narcs do a good job at manipulating others. therapy doesnt work for them. nothing is ever their fault, adn they lack insight (they deflect any accountability to others)
Oh my gosh, I am in tears, I have gone through narcissistic abuse for 13 years. I have pleaded, cried, begged, made myself a fool to make him see that I love him but his behavior remains toxic. But no matter how pathetic I make myself, he will continue to say I am the reason he is verbally abusive, unfaithful and dishonest in the marriage. Why are people so evil! How can you do this to someone you say you love. It hurts so bad. 😢 I have finally filed for divorce, took me 13 years 😭
What a narcissist wants, more than anything else, is the accolades he feels he deserves...LOL They are very hard to spot, as they're skilled at hiding their disorder, off balance mentally from the world.
Congratulations! You have made the best decision of your life. I left an narcissistic alcoholic, I fought to leave my home but I'm now 600 miles away from HIM and I'm safe! I pray your healing is expedited my dear as you deserve love, understanding and compassion. No one understands the pain involved in loving a narcissist unless they've lived it!
@@lesliewilde5130 You're so right, they're NEVER HAPPY with you, so dishonest and unfaithful behind your back and they even leave your apartment with the pillows on your bed. How low the floor is for them, they want to destroy you at their level. They are master manipulate and love to play the victim. ALLO...BOZO...
Just recently discovered that my husband is a narcissist. For the past 32 years I have been trying to understand him - why he behaves the way he does. Recently I came across some posts that describes his behaviours spot on! Now that I am aware what I am dealing with, I won't beg his forgiveness anymore, for making him angry, disappointing him, etc. I am enjoying his silent treatment- I feel liberated from the slavery of serving him. It's been a month now.
I think it's worth mentioning: if you notice you keep attracting narcissistic types. You need to do some introspection. Narcissistic personalities feed on empathic personalities. There is nothing wrong with being an empath, but it is vital to maintain strong boundaries and follow through.
This, do the work on yourself, understand your past unhealed traumas.and you'll repel them. Stay kind and good, don't be nice. Trust me, you'll feel so empowered being your true authentic self. 💯
How can you set boundaries with a narcissist who retaliates if you set boundaries to follow a contract and you are in a legal contract with them and can't get out of the contract?
Interesting, because I definitely am an empath and have just realized after an huge incident that a close family member is probably a narcissist. I am not a diagnosing physician. This helped a lot. TY
1. Dont play the game. Dont talk to them. They delight in your frustration. They feed off that control. Silence is golden. 2. Dont make any moves. Silence, say nothing. Gray rock. Dont try to reason w them. They will twist your words. Stay neutral. Just say... "noted, that's good to know. " Dont try to get them to see your side. They are incapable. Instead, say, it's time for my sense of self and strength. Focus on you. 3. No apology. They are incapable. They never admit blame. Instead, you dont need an apology to validate your feelings. Keep on walking. Be indifferent. ❤
"Silence can never be misquoted." I have been "silent" with an adult son for over a year now, and although I pray that we have some reconciliation before one of us dies, I have never experienced such Peace. My strength comes from The Lord, Jefferson, He is using you to give us Wisdom, Guidance & Encouragement.😊 Thankyou for understanding and validating our pain and confusion. Gratefully, G.
I love this….”Praise or Provoke”. That’s exactly what they are doing. If they can’t get their narcissistic supply from you directly through praises then they get it by provoking you!
New subs here ❤ - YESSSSS WE SEE 👀 HE IS AWESOMELY HANDSOME, WELL INFORMED, EDUCATED!!! Please give a 👍 so the rest of us can listen, pay attention, and retain his information …. OMG, we can barely get through His content & advice because we are continually reading “He so handsome” 🤗🥰🤗 Awe He so handsome, he’s got to be married, we had to watch this vid 3x just to look at him 😉 & listen twice to be sure we 💯 understood him …. 🤣😆😂 This guys info is genius, thank you sir, your greatly appreciated ❤🥰
I am so glad you addressed this topic. I have a son who has narcissistic tendencies and have not verbally spoken to him in more than a year. I'm not being yelled at, having my words twisted, and being talked down to. It has been the most peaceful and happiest year of my life. You're so right - don't play the game!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! The most damaging narcissist is a mother, her child has no idea why they don’t matter. I am 75 but didn’t learn about narcissism until 10 years ago. It was an “aha” moment of realization and freedom. My mom was a classic, textbook narcissist. She died two years ago, as selfish and cruel as ever. I have not shed one tear and feel no grief. Thanks to information such as you have provided, I also feel no guilt. I am a survivor and have close and loving relationships with my wonderful children.
Sigh, realizing no matter how hard you try, they don't hear you. I am trying to be gentle with myself for wasting so much of my time trying..Thank you Jefferson ✌️
"Look within and understand you don't need an apology to validate your own feelings." Practical tools when dealing with a narcissist, there's a place in your mind you have to go to to deal with a narcissist. Don't play the game. Any time you are talking to a narc you are walking into their trap. Unless they get praise they will provoke because they delight in your frustration. This is not something you can win. They feed off of that control. They want the spotlight entirely on them. It is a game. Best thing you can do: Recognise you are in a game. 1. Choose to take your pieces off the board. 2. Best move you can make is no move at all. Say nothing, It cant be misquoted. Choose silence. Your silence can't be twisted. Stay neutral in the convo. Avoid saying things that are hurtful, ugly, rude or disrespectful to put them down. - say "ok" "noted." "thank you for saying that". "I understand" 3. Go to a place in your mind. Don't try and convince. They cant understand. Stop trying. Empty hole. Get to a place where you think to yourself - switch- it's time I think about myself and my peace of mind and where I draw my strength from. Narcs only take. You're not going to get an apology. Instead think you don't need an apology. Put down the shovel and keep on walking. --- Jefferson Fisher Thank you!
“Praise or provoke - a trigger carnival game…” Jefferson, you have incredibly unique gifts of insight and action plans. You supply the armament and we feel like we are in the car with you!
You don't want to give it a label to anyone to anyone else as that can backfire, but for yourself, it's good to know what you're up against, so you can make better choices, dont get drawn into emotionally draining, futile arguments, learn the art of neutrality, not over sharing, firewalling, soul distancing and self validation. As you state so beautifully, it's a know your worth mentality where you come to know who and or what is worth your time and emotional energy.
I have been doing exactly what you've said NOT to do....over explaining. And you're ABSOLUTELY right, it does not work. I guess a part of me is hoping that he'll come around and see the hurt that he causes...but it hasn't happened. It was very, no extremely difficult to accept that I'm married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He was diagnosed almost eleven years ago and for that time I've been "hoping" he would change. And you're SOOOO right, it's never going to happen. My heart breaks for people who are married to this type person. Thank you Jefferson. You're tremendously helpful.
See my response, sharing my experience. I finally had to save myself from my destructive marriage. When my physical and emotional health began to suffer, I knew my marriage wasn't worth the sacrifices I was making. Blessings to you if you're choosing to stay.
@@darralansman9895So my situation is different in that I'm not in a place where I can simply pack up and move out. I'm grateful that I do not have minor children being affected by the toxicity, however. And over the years I've been given a plethora of tools to help me navigate the rare interactions which I have with him. Those tools, however, only help me to remain healthy and strong emotionally; they do nothing for the hurt and pain I feel for those who are stuck and see no way out. Narcissism is real...and a person's pain is real. Were it not for my relationship with the Lord I really would have lost my mind...no joke. I've grown to the place where I can recognize his tactics...which is why I've stopped trying to explain...and Jefferson's post has helped to remind me of such. Again, I just want to see people free...and it's hard to know that such evilness lurks in the hearts of people...and one within my very home.
It takes a long time to recognize their behavior for what it is because they're master manipulaters. They're experts at reading you and being who you want them to be. It took me years to learn these lessons and give up the hope that I could affect change in our marriage. Hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars in counseling were wasted in trying to have a loving and respectful marriage. Divorcing a narcissist is a whole different level of the "game," and they thrive on the challenge! The strategies JF outlined are paramount in keeping myself out of the emotional turmoil of trying to reason with someone who isn't capable of reasoning or being rational. His goal is to win, regardless of the cost.😖
So sorry to hear of your situation. I pray your divorce will be finalized soon and then your healing can begin. You deserve love, respect and compassion. Godspeed!🤗
I agree 100%! I had a narcissist go off on me, attacking my character. She knew nothing about me really. I didn't engage, explain. I stayed silent. It made her furious and claimed to others that I attacked her. Luckily, I had a witness.
Gray Stone method. My counselor suggested I put a tiny stone in my hand to remind me to kindly be silent or answers using two or three words when in the presence of two family members and my husband. It works but they figure it out and play the total silent game too. Which is beautiful. 👍🏻👍🏻 The best thing I did was journal the crazy. I handed it to my counselor, her response - we will be dealing with narcissistic behavior. I worked on me and saved my life!
This is so important for all to understand and it’s hard for most to accept:you can’t win with a narcissist. You can’t win. Accept that and let them be. They will move on to another victim.
Thank you so much. You are the only person who has ever shown me how to communicate and I will soon be 72 years old. Trial and error has long been the norm and that is a hard road to travel. God bless you for your generosity in helping so many others. Dee Clements
Bless your heart if you're still on that road. I encourage you, if you're staying in a relationship with a narcissist, learn how to stay well. JF is great and there are many other great resources if facing a long-term journey. I recommend authors Leslie Vernick, Dr.Craig Malkin, Dr. David Hawkins (Marriage Recovery Center), Bill Eddy (LCSW JD), and many other good UA-cam podcasts.
I will soon be 54. Spent too much money in counseling, decades, to only learn more useful, helpful information from this man in about 1 year! The wasted years are hard to handle. I appreciate this information for the present and future. Make the most of what time we have. SO thankful but wish I had known early in ife.
Jefferson you hit it out of the park today. I've experienced all of this and much more during my 42+ years of marriage to a Malignant Narcissistic Husband. We've been in the process of Divorce since June 2023. Thank you for your advice and examples given on how to respond to a Narcissist. It's extremely important to keep it short when communicating with a Narcissist. Never, ever confront them on their lies. It only makes them double down on the lies and it can lead them to a volatile level with you. I choose to move out permanently, separated since November 2022, for my safety. Because his mental state had become volatile. When I left, I went NO COMMUNICATION, total silence. I didn't know it then, but now I've learned that's the best way to handle a Narcissist. I knew it was the best thing for my mental and physical health. So, Thank you for your insightful podcasts. You'll never know who needs to hear your advice.
Having studied narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) (one of the "dark triad" personality traits) as part of my psychology degree and doing research on this phenomenon, I have quite a lot to say about this topic. Whilst we all have so-called "narcissistic" traits, which are innate and serve to promote survival in certain situations, it's important to realise that this is on a spectrum and can also develop (which is kind of another topic). As for NPD itself, I have an immediate relative who's a textbook example of having this (also observed by my daughter who's a psychiatrist) and have found my own ways, although not easy, to deal with it. I agree with Jefferson Fisher's helpful suggestions here. One key point is to not feed it. Do not give oxygen to fire. It's futile and really not worth it. That said, someone with NPD (at least with someone that I know well) will still try to find something to accuse you of if you remain silent, which is typically criticising your expression or how you're standing/sitting or what you _should_ be saying or doing. Whatever you do/don't do or say/not say will be wrong in their mind.
After watching this video I've come to the determination that my husband is a narcissist. What a long struggle this has been for me. Never are my points validated. I'm treated like nothing I say matters or has any meaning. I'm constantly corrected. Don't get me wrong...I am listened to which helps me feel worthy. But that's it. It doesn't stop there. It's almost as if what my husband says goes and that's it. This style of communication is damaging to our relationship and he doesn't even realize it. That's the sad part. Almost everything out of his mouth is a damn argument. I have almost given up several times. I am so happy for Jefferson. I am happy the Jefferson has an interest in sharing effective communication with others who struggle on a daily basis with their partners. I will try your techniques Jefferson I hope they work.
I’ll be watching this one everyday for awhile! “Praise and provoke” - this is so spot on. Not enough praise (or recognition or attention) being given to them, and they will say or do something provocative, often seemingly out of the blue. It’s a pattern with these types that I’ve seen over & over.
man do i fall into the game when dealing with my son. he is the only person that brings me to tears and upset . this reminds me not to expect him admitting wrong or saying sorry or any empathy even to me his loving Mom. He picked a doozy of a wife and in laws too !! Give me strength, i have 3 granddaughters now....
For many just like myself we’ve attracted so many of these types. Some people are easy targets and aren’t any the wiser as to why. Those that are open and honest and are empathetic are easy targets. Set boundaries and educate yourself on these monsters . Mine were friends and a few family members. I’m now 56 and I’ve drawn the line. Stand firm and remove those you can and keep a solid distance from those you feel you can’t.❤
I really like this podcast! You give great information on this. Years ago I was going through a very difficult divorce and child custody case. I have learned since then the my ex actually had a diagnosis of being a narcissist. I suspected it. We went to court order physiological testing and parenting classes. One of the head doctors told me in private that when dealing with my ex, especially on the phone, don’t play the game. It takes 2 to play and if I take myself out, there’s no game. He went on to tell me pretty much what you’ve just talked about. My ex would typically call me at work, he liked to get me rattled at work so I’d have a miserable time for the rest of the day. These techniques worked wonders!! All the difference in the world! Thank you for this advice.
Exactly, go into good customer service mode. Smile, breath and look them in the eye and say " I understand", " I am glad you told me". Both parties can learn something in a challenging conversation.
i just discovered your podcast! i love it. I am married to a covert narcissist. I've learned a lot in the last couple years. I don't think we've ever had a conversation. He is either thinking out loud or spewing information. The thing that I have trouble with is when we are with other people, he repeats every anectdote he knows that begins with "I". Whatever they say, he starts with "I". It mortifies me! I don't want to invite people over, meet new people, travel with others.
I work with a narcissist at work. I am a woman. I got her into a place of “distance” although we have to work together… I don’t share my life anymore… I used to…I’m polite but only work is our relationship now…..just work… She told two of my bosses (who are men) that I hurt her feelings and she cried and made me look like the bad guy. One in fact told me that I hurt her feelings…It’s all a big game that she plays very well….Everything in me wants to tell her off, but I know it will work against me, she has no feelings…she just wants control….thank you for all your tips and help. I really appreciate it.
Yep they are the victims. Exactly the same things happened to me at work and in family. I politely set boundaries and the infuriated them. They need to manipulate someone else to get revenge.
Sounds exactly like my coworker, I door slam her last week and just hoping that I won't have to work with her ever again. This has caused extreme mental health issues for me.
Eek. Sounds like my sister in law. NR. Lol She claims to have bi polar but she has little to no genuine symptoms of it it seems .....we had been struggling with a relationship for a decade and I suddenly realized maybe I could help support her understanding her bipolar. Surprise! She didn't fit the bill, but she sure does for NPD (or perhaps even sociopathy or something....). She says a lot of strange stuff about work that I don't buy ...how she's just not recognized for her amazing ethic etc But my mom is NPD And I witnessed her doing that throughout my childhood. She would slack off at work and shove work on to others and then cry and complain and even rage at others when she was called out.
You nailed it on so many levels. I especially appreciate your caution about over using the term narcissist. The over use has made it difficult when you really have someone suffering from this disorder in your life. People dismiss it “everyone thinks the other person is a narcissist.” We need to make a shift here. And we need to stop enabling people who have these tendencies and/or the full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Thank you, Jefferson, for being the light in the darkness. Keep up the great work.
I didn't have any idea what I was up against until after my life was in shambles. I even had a written diagnosis (ASPD/NPD) that I ignored because I had to believe he loved me. The therapist said right to his face in front of me "You are a sociopath." Unfortunately, I was surrounded by low empathy, emotionally immature, hostile people from my own family to both of our lawyers and the judge in the divorce. I stayed silent all these years in hopes of reducing conflict for my kids but things only continued. I wish I knew these things then, but I am glad you are here. No one but two insightful therapists ever seemed to understand what was really going on. I'd like to think that meeting you back then would have changed a lot for me and my children, but the truth is I wouldn't have believed you. I got warnings (some even from him) and I ignored them all. I needed to believe we were normal and happy. It was the same lie I believed about my family and if I accepted it wasn't real I was going to lose everything I had built my whole life around so I denied reality until my entire life was destroyed and the ugly truth was undeniable.
I’m convinced that there are people who are not narcissists in the medical sense but they have adopted the behavior and mindset of narcissism for various reasons.
I've had an encounter that required a need to study narcissism. Turns out there's many different types. Some are literally narcissist personality disorder (aka NPD) most qualified to diagnose professionals in healthcare say those type simply need a psychiatrist. Then there's a myriad of narcissist behavior types. Some are, per recent research, genetically predisposed to that behavior. I think it's likely there's this category you've observed as well, I've not reearchex it (yet). Thanks!
The adult children and grandchildren of alcoholics are always in management or caregiver professions.. especially the eldest siblings, "Adults addicted to managing and parenting other adults!" Covert and communal narcissists from higher income and/or functional families! child@emelinerager-golden5553
I just want to say, I feel so good inside when I listen/watch your videos. You have a gentle loving soul and it is very healing - your person, your voice, the way you genuinely care about human interaction and communication. You are refreshing and I had to tell you that. Thank you so much for being your best you, always.
Best take-aways for me: keep the communication on text for record, and keep it short to not offer choices on what they answer back. Thank you! I learn so much from your posts!
Susana, I wish we could communicate…..I am also the adult daughter of a ruthless narcissist/ borderline sociopath. I wish I knew someone else who understood the devastation of what it feels like to have a mother who doesn’t have love for you. It’s unnatural….and it fks up your head. But the fact is, my mother is the most dangerous person in my life. I have and will always fear her.
This also gave us an amazing tool to identifying a Narc or toxic person… speak highly of a person to them and see how they react…if they tear them down or use the opportunity to talk about themselves that’s a major red flag. If instead, they use the opportunity to praise that person further, or they seem to really enjoy hearing about it that’s just seriously major points for that person and someone that you probably want to add to your circle.
I’ve watched a lot of UA-cam videos on narcissism. Many are eye opening and educational but this particular video gives me insightful tips and actionable strategies to apply to a few of my family and friends who appear to be covert narcissists. I’m so fatigued from trying to explain myself to a walls of denial and insidious side trips. I love the advice given, Silence is golden, and if I have to engage then being neutral in the face of accusations and gaslighting I will try this out to diffuse, ugh.
I am facing a narcissist in our workplace just recently and I'm having a hard time dealing with it .Sometimes, I can't control my emotions by raising my voice. This is very helpful Jeff .Thank you , this means a lot to me .❤❤❤
SILENCE IS GOLDEN.. So hard to do - but, it’s doesn’t feed into their game. Staying NEUTRAL is a source of strength. Thankful for your words of wisdom.
I was married to a covert high functioning narc for 29 years. I thought I was done with him and that’s not happening. But you keep me instilled with hope. And I need you everyday! Thank you so much Jefferson!!
Thank you Jefferson. The more I learn and understand about narcissistic behavior, the more I realize how right you are about this being the only way to deal with them. Minimal response or silence. Everything else they turn back on themselves. It's a lonely life being married to one. Thankfully I now know how to cope and look after myself. Took me forever to figure it out. But hey, it's never too late.
I’ve known a narcissist. More importantly I have been one most of my younger life. I lend it to immaturity for some of it. Since I’ve learned from Jesus how to relate with others with empathy and patience. I’ve matured to be aware of my own agenda too. Thank you Jefferson for opening up your toolbox and showing us how to use these tools! God bless brother!
You are the best!!! When I get a podcast from you I PAY ATTENTION. You are so eloquent when you speak truth. I am dealing with an alcoholic lying to me that he has inoperable stomach cancer. In fact, the ER nurse told me, he has gastritis and pancreatitis. No doubt from his drinking. I stopped drinking thirty years ago (I'm 69) and I see all his manipulative behavior. I have to tune him out it's hard because I don't want him to drink himself to death. But you are so right I tried to help him but all he does is deny the truth and try to make me feel sorry for him. At this point I can't believe anything he says. It's a shame but I accept the fact I have to put up a stop sign because he's sucking me in. Not anymore. He's trying to drag me down with him. I will keep listening to your podcasts to learn how to value my life that I have created and not get destroyed by him. Thank you. Ellenzz
Hey I don't know why you think you don't want him to drink himself to death why do you try to control people do you think you're god? God gives free will people make choices and people face consequences just run your own race
hello jefferson. really enjoy and appreciate your videos. narcissism is more prevalent than meets the eye. normal people see communication as a bridge to understanding others and themselves, resolving problems, fostering mutual respect. narcissists see communication as a tool to manipulate people to advance, conceal and protect their self-serving interests. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
You are 100 percent correct. I wish I could have seen this years ago. We are good people with good motives and intentions. We assume others are too. It is difficult for us to understand, fathom, or prepare for this.
Family members. I still don't get why they do this, and it is so exhausting to have to deal with. Thank you so much Jefferson. I have recognised over the past two years that my brother is a gaslighter and probably a narcissist. I appreciate all of this advice, it feels so good to have some strategies for me to stay calm and unaffected.
Family can be where personality disorders are worst. In addition to sibling rivalry, there's what I call 'familial complacency,' where some members of the family act like family is stuck with you so they feel they can act any way they want. Why this isn't warned about culturally, I don't know.
Hello! I just listened to your podcast for the first time on Narcissists this evening, and you hit it “spot on!” I can’t tell you the damage that has been done to me physically, mentally and emotionally for the past 21 years. Finally, through God’s help I have been rescued and still working on reparation of all those years of damage to me and my children/family. Thank God for authentic genuine people like you to help with damage repair and encouragement! Thank you! Kathleen - Manistee, MI
I’m so thankful I’ve done the work in therapy to deal with my mother who is so much of this and that she doesn’t provoke any real reactions from me anymore using a lot of these tools you mentioned. It was a lot of hard work but I don’t feed the dragon anymore
I can absolutely relate. I didn't realise it was an issue at the time from childhood, but I realise more and more that I had developed coping mechanisms - being neutral, silence, not reacting from well before I was in my teens, which is sad when you think about how a child needs to protect themselves from their own mother
Thank you discussing labelling, ie calling someone a "narcissist". I have been told by clinical phycologists that this is not wise, for several reasons. Far better to identify the behaviour and deal with that, which is what you have dealt with. Further to your point, "Silence, can never be misquoted", keeping quiet or not providing information seems to work well. However, the "good" ones seem to have ways to make you talk. Be on your guard.
Probably the best video I've ever seen on narcissism. We need a teachers like you in high school or even in grade school. Keep it coming with all of your, what I will call .".Fisher isms". 😂❤ Thank you!
I pray on the daily to have the strength to deal with my mom, who is definitely a narcissist, and possibly bi-polar. She refuses to get checked out or get on any meds to help her and it's been a constant struggle for me. I've been going on 4 years as a caregiver to both parents. The constant negativity and the way she always talks down and badly towards people absolutely drives me nuts. I'd give anything to have my happiness back. Unfortunately, as an only child, I'm the only one left to care and put up with her.
Best tools and advises. I have struggled to be quiet but your advise; levelled me to the mind of the narrcists, no praise, no provoke but silence and self healing
This message about a narcissist was so very helpful for me. One of my sisters has intolerable behavior and plays many mind games often. You may not have a degree in psychology but the advice you give about many topics are simple and practical. Thank you for sharing your God given talents!
These are good. I am married to a narcissist sociopath. We are informally separated which works out well because I am in charge of our finances that way. When I realized I was in over my head I found ways to spend a as little time with him as possible. He would make us late for church every week. I would tell that we should take two cars and give him good reasons for that decision. I too love texts because it keeps the conversation short and gives me a written record of what he said. I am always very careful to be positive in my tone. I don’t even try to work through issues. There is no point
I very much enjoy your podcasts, Jefferson. Excellent advice today!! I had to learn this the hard way, when I was trying to debate a narcissist, trying to remain logical and calm. Nothing worked, I never got the empathy or apology I requested in the most respectful way. Our conflict was significant and didn't happen for the first time. So I walked away and ended a very long friendship with a childhood friend. For quite a while I felt guilty for cutting her off and I was sad because cutting her off meant also having to let go of some of her family and friends. At times I feel that I should have tried harder to make her see my point of view. Your advice today suggests that there is nothing I could have done. This gives me peace and a step closer to completely close this chapter.
This method actually works. I just have to remember not get too wordy, I waste my energy and the other person feels justified or satisfied is more accurate.
Same here with being wordy. I think of Jefferson Fisher every time I'm about to send my ex a text that's too long, then I just delete-delete-delete...we have 2 teenagers so we have to communicate somewhat but he is a real gem who only cares about himself. Unfortunately it took me ~15 years in a loveless marriage to REALLY figure that out, then just before 20yrs the divorce was FINAL! I LOVE this channel and I'm SO glad I found it!
Narcissists have basic patterns of behaviour, all of them. In other words, they run on rails. You know what they're going to do or say in advance. This is their major weakness, and once you realise it, it's your strength.
Unfortunately, I had been in the crazy world of narcissists my entire life. Unknown to me, my mother and (ex spouse) are very narcissistic. I came to that realization less than five years ago. I cut off ties with them. I am no longer jumping through hoops to keep them happy. I am more at peace. God bless you!
You are not alone. Almost 10 years now with no contact with my narcissistic mother. I don't wish that on anyone, but sometimes you have to cut ties for your own mental health. Glad you're more at peace.
“I don’t need an apology to validate my feelings” I am 49 and this simple, undiscovered truth just instantly changed my life. This has unchained me from an emotional torture chamber since the person in my life will NEVER apologize, never have and never will. Because of my love, I never want to hurt or “shut down” this person. Your kindness approach helps me stay on the higher path and keep exercising the bible principle that “Love Never Fails.” I love this person because I know trauma and CPTSD has caused irreversible damage in thought processes and faulty perceptions of reality.
You have perfectly described someone who I know and who I have recently told “I do not want anything further to do with you”. I hadn’t realised that they were a narcissist until I heard your podcast. I thought they were a sociopath (maybe both?). The fallout continues but in I am remaining silent which seems to make them even worse at the moment.
Jefferson yours is my Go-To channel for excellent, usable advice that I reply on now since I recently came upon your channel. Your suggested phrasing, responses are effective and easy to apply! Most importantly for me is you have helped me navigate my necessary communication with a Narcissist whom I must live with for a while. You simplify every nugget of advice. This video is precious to anyone who has the misfortune of having a supervisor at work, an ex spouse or a family member who is a true Narc. Never, ever argue with a Narc. You will never be heard with empathy or understanding or even, have your point acknowledged. It took me literally, years to realize this. Thank you so much, Jefferson for your work and passion for communication! Please, keep up the public service!
55 years old and only just realising my mother is a narc. It's affected my life in ways i just never saw. I've had to have treatment for years and only now realise i was under her spell. I was going to confront her but I'm so glad you popped up because i now know it really won't do any good. I can just be grateful that i see what she is and learn how to deal with her behaviours and how I react. Thank you so much 🙏
Mandy my mums a narc I went no contact a year ago as I have an anxiety disorder because of the verbal abuse all my life . I broke it briefly a couple of months ago to talk to her . I realised very quickly in that conversation I was wasting my time so I went back no contact . They do not want to change even for their own flesh and blood the disorder is there personality when you realise that as painful as it is you let go . Putting you first is a priority wish you well and don’t doubt your decisions as we are bought up to doubt ourselves . We are enough ❤
I woke up. @ 55 I'm gonna be 59 in a few days and I'm divorced from the Narc, butvhavd discovered I picked him because my parents are narc's and set me up for it! 3 years later, still negotiating No Contact with them- although they don't entirely know it yet ..
Great tips, less is best when dealing with the narcissist. Reminder, when they are trying to provoke that's supply to them. Negative attention, is still attention, and they can not get enough of it. Keep your response short and to the point as Jefferson suggested but also keep or even lower your tone when speaking, keep firm but just lower. This helps set the tone. Even if they're screaming their head off like a big baby. This shows them your unaffected by their drama, thus cutting off their supply.
Brilliant! As the family scapegoat ruled by a narcissist, it's no wonder I sought out narcissists in my adult life to blame, control, and manipulate me and had boyfriends and friends who took advantage of my lack of awareness and naivety for years. While I don't regret my relationship with my ex because I had my children, I've grown to where I see those behaviours quickly in new friends and the few men I've met for coffee, I don't accept narcissists in my life today. Your video supports not only my journey, but gives also valuable insight to reaffirm my future choices. Thanks ever so much. Your videos are like finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
Wow, Jefferson, a huge thank you from Ontario, Canada. You consistently provide genuine, unbiased and incredibly helpful advice with strategies to your subscribers. Your concise, upbeat yet compassionate delivery is more than appreciated.
I've realised I can choose not to engage or include in my world, people who have narcissistic traits - just don't bother at all. They're toxic and leave me feeling inflated or low. I am over using tools, thinking on how to handle them or to protect myself. I'm saving my energy and pearls of kindness and,love for those who are easier to be around and leave me with an uplifted feeling.
I learn the best tools from you! Wouldn't miss a podcast. Thanks for simple 3 step solutions. Write a BOOK!!!
Thank you.
Also, I did write a book. Pre-sale starts this month. Check out the link in the bottom of this episode’s description to sign up for book updates. 🙏
@jeffersonfisher looking forward to getting and reading this book.
@@jeffersonfisher can you share what the title is going to be?!
@@jeffersonfisheryay! That'll make good reading and a fabulous gift these holidays!
Wishing you success 💐😎🤘@@jeffersonfisher
I've been married to a narcissist for 45 years till early this year when the stress landed me in hospital for 3 days. This last straw was a wake-up call for self-care & I walked out of his life. That was the best thing that had ever happened in my life so far & am feeling so peaceful & happy ever since.
Wow you give me peace . I stuck around for 30 yrs. I realize just recently what a little insecure and insignificant man he is
Happened to me too. Five years ago, I had the courage to walk away from over 20 years of that. I had nothing. It's taken awhile to heal. But I'm doing just fine. I wish the best for you.
44 years for me. And here I was, thinking I was the only one who put up with this for so long. I guess not. So glad you got out and are happy and peaceful after all that you've been through. You give me hope. Thank you! ❤
Noted.😂😂
I left after 29 years and have so much respect that you did it at 45 years, that's an epic bad ass move! Nice!!
I am 81 yrs old and walked away from my husband after putting up with him for 55yrs. I am so happy now.
I am so pleased for you!! You are brave indeed .. God bless 🙌
Happy for you Dear ONE. I AM living my 81st year too AFTER being FREE TO BE since age 66 following living with Narcissistic father from age 3 , after WWII ,then thru 2 husbands !!
Took me many years to finally know I wasn't willing to live like that anymore
enJOY your GOLDEN YEARS now 🎉🎉🎉🎉 🎶💃🎶💃🎶💃
I left my narcissist mother 13 years ago
She favored me to make her cup of
Once out the room
She would bad mouth me
To my boyfriends and friends
She destroyed all my relationships
😢a whole lifetime wasted
@@tabithangotho7734I agree I could NOT spend a lifetime being unhappy and disrespected. I can do bad by myself but better late than neither, 0h lord😢
You hit the nail on the head when you said, "narcissists want the spotlight entirely on them unless they've done something wrong, and they'll quickly try and put it on you."
Absolutely right. Or they'll tell you you're imagining it. I had this experience very recently
Gaslighting! @@ShazWag
Oh hell yeah!
Do you know my brother? 😂
@@misssemilygirl I don't know if she does, but maybe I do. Is his name Dave? 🤣
‘Silence, can never be misquoted….’ Gold.
Simple truth...Johnny Deep would have love that option.
4'33"
Best takeaway from this video 👊🏻
“I’ll take your silence as yes/no!” Says the narcissist! Trust me they will twist anything to their agenda
@@christophercurtis2315 "silence is violence" I think to myself while giving them a knowing smirk.
I realized in 2015, that the professional group that truly understood narcissists, was not psychiatrists, psychologists or therapists. It was divorce attorneys.
This is Interesting to know. Wow! Thanks for sharing.
This is bc Narcs do 'nothing wrong'. They do not enter therapy bc they are not the problem, everyone else is. Nothing is wrong with them. Therapists generally see only those who's lives have been wrecked by these hateful, demonic people, not the narcissist themselves.
Bcos it takes a lot of analysis, normal people will surely get caught up in a narc trap and those monkeys are even louder than narc itself. Very sad reality.
it depends on the therapist. not everyone specializes in everything (too broad) it has to be someone who understands personality disorders,, narcs traits are not the same as a diagnosis. and some therapists dont like 'labeling ' right away; know why you are seeking help; it's their job to guide you. also, Not all Attorneys understand this either. also attorneys probably see more narcs spouses. , nacs dont seek therapy because their nothing wrong with them lol and many attorneys have a personality disorder themselves...they love the attention and prestige. Similarly, i hear the "he is bipolar" yet most people dont understand what it is... is not just "anger"
@@smoothy2278 yes narcs do a good job at manipulating others. therapy doesnt work for them. nothing is ever their fault, adn they lack insight (they deflect any accountability to others)
Oh my gosh, I am in tears, I have gone through narcissistic abuse for 13 years. I have pleaded, cried, begged, made myself a fool to make him see that I love him but his behavior remains toxic. But no matter how pathetic I make myself, he will continue to say I am the reason he is verbally abusive, unfaithful and dishonest in the marriage. Why are people so evil! How can you do this to someone you say you love. It hurts so bad. 😢 I have finally filed for divorce, took me 13 years 😭
What a narcissist wants, more than anything else, is the accolades he feels he deserves...LOL They are very hard to spot, as they're skilled at hiding their disorder, off balance mentally from the world.
Congratulations! You have made the best decision of your life. I left an narcissistic alcoholic, I fought to leave my home but I'm now 600 miles away from HIM and I'm safe! I pray your healing is expedited my dear as you deserve love, understanding and compassion. No one understands the pain involved in loving a narcissist unless they've lived it!
@@lesliewilde5130 You're so right, they're NEVER HAPPY with you, so dishonest and unfaithful behind your back and they even leave your apartment with the pillows on your bed. How low the floor is for them, they want to destroy you at their level. They are master manipulate and love to play the victim. ALLO...BOZO...
@@lesliewilde5130 thank you so much I appreciate your kind words 💗, Much need as I go through this difficult time
Get out ASAP! They don’t change!
Spot on! Don’t play their games… You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.Thank you!
Haha true boobie prizes
SO TRUE🙀
Spot on. 😂
👍
Ong they love games so childish😂😂 only as an adult its scary af smh
"Noted." Is one of the strongest responses you could ever give. Love it.
"I don't need an apology to validate my feelings." Sir, you just handed me gold nuggets. Thank you
“Silence can never be misquoted.” 🎯
I'm a therapist and YOU ARE THE BEST! Very helpful. I use your tools all the time.
I am also a therapist and think Jefferson is very astute.
Just recently discovered that my husband is a narcissist. For the past 32 years I have been trying to understand him - why he behaves the way he does. Recently I came across some posts that describes his behaviours spot on! Now that I am aware what I am dealing with, I won't beg his forgiveness anymore, for making him angry, disappointing him, etc. I am enjoying his silent treatment- I feel liberated from the slavery of serving him. It's been a month now.
Stay strong and pray! 🙏
Hallelujah sister 🥰🙏🏻xx
I think it's worth mentioning: if you notice you keep attracting narcissistic types. You need to do some introspection. Narcissistic personalities feed on empathic personalities. There is nothing wrong with being an empath, but it is vital to maintain strong boundaries and follow through.
Yassss!
This, do the work on yourself, understand your past unhealed traumas.and you'll repel them. Stay kind and good, don't be nice. Trust me, you'll feel so empowered being your true authentic self. 💯
How can you set boundaries with a narcissist who retaliates if you set boundaries to follow a contract and you are in a legal contract with them and can't get out of the contract?
Yesss 😢damn…true … I was a daughter of one and married a few 😅
Interesting, because I definitely am an empath and have just realized after an huge incident that a close family member is probably a narcissist. I am not a diagnosing physician. This helped a lot. TY
1. Dont play the game. Dont talk to them. They delight in your frustration. They feed off that control. Silence is golden.
2. Dont make any moves. Silence, say nothing. Gray rock. Dont try to reason w them. They will twist your words. Stay neutral. Just say... "noted, that's good to know. "
Dont try to get them to see your side. They are incapable. Instead, say, it's time for my sense of self and strength. Focus on you.
3. No apology. They are incapable. They never admit blame. Instead, you dont need an apology to validate your feelings. Keep on walking. Be indifferent. ❤
Thank you for listening!!
Well said. All true.... I'm not playing no more.
i am the SCAPEGOAT of a narc family. My life is hard and lonely. Thank you. Please pray for me anyone that feels led🥰
You are not alone nor the only one. Stay strong!
Not a religious person, but wish you much healing 💖
Me too
Relate prayers up
GOD bless you.
"Silence can never be misquoted." I have been "silent" with an adult son for over a year now, and although I pray that we have some reconciliation before one of us dies, I have never experienced such Peace. My strength comes from The Lord, Jefferson, He is using you
to give us Wisdom, Guidance & Encouragement.😊
Thankyou for understanding and validating our pain and confusion. Gratefully, G.
"You don't need an apology to validate feelings." Thank you for such a liberating sentence. I can't wait for the book !
Coming soon!
And if they do it will be fake.
I love this….”Praise or Provoke”. That’s exactly what they are doing. If they can’t get their narcissistic supply from you directly through praises then they get it by provoking you!
This guy is not only super handsome but smart!
That's lethal combo in my opinion!
👍👏🙂
And super nice.. 😊
Oh my goodness was just thinking the same thing!
New subs here ❤ - YESSSSS WE SEE 👀 HE IS AWESOMELY HANDSOME, WELL INFORMED, EDUCATED!!! Please give a 👍 so the rest of us can listen, pay attention, and retain his information …. OMG, we can barely get through His content & advice because we are continually reading “He so handsome”
🤗🥰🤗 Awe He so handsome, he’s got to be married, we had to watch this vid 3x just to look at him 😉 & listen twice to be sure we 💯 understood him …. 🤣😆😂 This guys info is genius, thank you sir, your greatly appreciated ❤🥰
I am so glad you addressed this topic. I have a son who has narcissistic tendencies and have not verbally spoken to him in more than a year. I'm not being yelled at, having my words twisted, and being talked down to. It has been the most peaceful and happiest year of my life. You're so right - don't play the game!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart! The most damaging narcissist is a mother, her child has no idea why they don’t matter. I am 75 but didn’t learn about narcissism until 10 years ago. It was an “aha” moment of realization and freedom. My mom was a classic, textbook narcissist. She died two years ago, as selfish and cruel as ever. I have not shed one tear and feel no grief. Thanks to information such as you have provided, I also feel no guilt. I am a survivor and have close and loving relationships with my wonderful children.
Sigh, realizing no matter how hard you try, they don't hear you. I am trying to be gentle with myself for wasting so much of my time trying..Thank you Jefferson ✌️
"Look within and understand you don't need an apology to validate your own feelings."
Practical tools when dealing with a narcissist, there's a place in your mind you have to go to to deal with a narcissist. Don't play the game. Any time you are talking to a narc you are walking into their trap. Unless they get praise they will provoke because they delight in your frustration. This is not something you can win. They feed off of that control. They want the spotlight entirely on them. It is a game. Best thing you can do:
Recognise you are in a game.
1. Choose to take your pieces off the board.
2. Best move you can make is no move at all. Say nothing, It cant be misquoted. Choose silence. Your silence can't be twisted. Stay neutral in the convo. Avoid saying things that are hurtful, ugly, rude or disrespectful to put them down. - say "ok" "noted." "thank you for saying that". "I understand"
3. Go to a place in your mind. Don't try and convince. They cant understand. Stop trying. Empty hole. Get to a place where you think to yourself - switch- it's time I think about myself and my peace of mind and where I draw my strength from. Narcs only take. You're not going to get an apology. Instead think you don't need an apology. Put down the shovel and keep on walking.
--- Jefferson Fisher
Thank you!
Thanks for summarizing!
Absolutely. I had the hardest time with this; believing it is true without that. It is the elephant in the room that they will never address.
I have chosen silence this time and focusing just on my peace. Lets see how it goes !
Do not be alone with one! And don't tell them no, just run
“Praise or provoke - a trigger carnival game…” Jefferson, you have incredibly unique gifts of insight and action plans. You supply the armament and we feel like we are in the car with you!
You don't want to give it a label to anyone to anyone else as that can backfire, but for yourself, it's good to know what you're up against, so you can make better choices, dont get drawn into emotionally draining, futile arguments, learn the art of neutrality, not over sharing, firewalling, soul distancing and self validation.
As you state so beautifully, it's a know your worth mentality where you come to know who and or what is worth your time and emotional energy.
Thank you Jefferson!!!!!
Praise or be provoked or be scorned... by a narcissistic mother
my life story.
Silence can never be misquoted nor twisted. Wow, that's classy and deep.
Love that
I have been doing exactly what you've said NOT to do....over explaining. And you're ABSOLUTELY right, it does not work. I guess a part of me is hoping that he'll come around and see the hurt that he causes...but it hasn't happened. It was very, no extremely difficult to accept that I'm married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He was diagnosed almost eleven years ago and for that time I've been "hoping" he would change. And you're SOOOO right, it's never going to happen. My heart breaks for people who are married to this type person. Thank you Jefferson. You're tremendously helpful.
Me too 😢
See my response, sharing my experience. I finally had to save myself from my destructive marriage. When my physical and emotional health began to suffer, I knew my marriage wasn't worth the sacrifices I was making. Blessings to you if you're choosing to stay.
@@darralansman9895So my situation is different in that I'm not in a place where I can simply pack up and move out. I'm grateful that I do not have minor children being affected by the toxicity, however. And over the years I've been given a plethora of tools to help me navigate the rare interactions which I have with him. Those tools, however, only help me to remain healthy and strong emotionally; they do nothing for the hurt and pain I feel for those who are stuck and see no way out. Narcissism is real...and a person's pain is real. Were it not for my relationship with the Lord I really would have lost my mind...no joke. I've grown to the place where I can recognize his tactics...which is why I've stopped trying to explain...and Jefferson's post has helped to remind me of such. Again, I just want to see people free...and it's hard to know that such evilness lurks in the hearts of people...and one within my very home.
Overexplaining just gives them more opportunity to twist your words! Narcissists never change, even if - by miracle - they realize the hurt they did.
Me too. 😢
Thank you Jeff for clarifying between a narcissist and narcissistic behavior!
It takes a long time to recognize their behavior for what it is because they're master manipulaters. They're experts at reading you and being who you want them to be. It took me years to learn these lessons and give up the hope that I could affect change in our marriage. Hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars in counseling were wasted in trying to have a loving and respectful marriage. Divorcing a narcissist is a whole different level of the "game," and they thrive on the challenge! The strategies JF outlined are paramount in keeping myself out of the emotional turmoil of trying to reason with someone who isn't capable of reasoning or being rational. His goal is to win, regardless of the cost.😖
Also... growing up from childhood with a narcissistic parent takes years to notice and cause more psychological and esteem damage than another person.
So sorry to hear of your situation. I pray your divorce will be finalized soon and then your healing can begin. You deserve love, respect and compassion. Godspeed!🤗
I agree 100%! I had a narcissist go off on me, attacking my character. She knew nothing about me really. I didn't engage, explain. I stayed silent. It made her furious and claimed to others that I attacked her. Luckily, I had a witness.
Gray Stone method. My counselor suggested I put a tiny stone in my hand to remind me to kindly be silent or answers using two or three words when in the presence of two family members and my husband. It works but they figure it out and play the total silent game too. Which is beautiful. 👍🏻👍🏻 The best thing I did was journal the crazy. I handed it to my counselor, her response - we will be dealing with narcissistic behavior. I worked on me and saved my life!
This is so important for all to understand and it’s hard for most to accept:you can’t win with a narcissist. You can’t win. Accept that and let them be. They will move on to another victim.
Thank you so much. You are the only person who has ever shown me how to communicate and I will soon be 72 years old. Trial and error has long been the norm and that is a hard road to travel.
God bless you for your generosity in helping so many others.
Dee Clements
Bless your heart if you're still on that road. I encourage you, if you're staying in a relationship with a narcissist, learn how to stay well. JF is great and there are many other great resources if facing a long-term journey. I recommend authors Leslie Vernick, Dr.Craig Malkin, Dr. David Hawkins (Marriage Recovery Center), Bill Eddy (LCSW JD), and many other good UA-cam podcasts.
I will soon be 54. Spent too much money in counseling, decades, to only learn more useful, helpful information from this man in about 1 year! The wasted years are hard to handle. I appreciate this information for the present and future. Make the most of what time we have. SO thankful but wish I had known early in ife.
Me too, 72 in a month. Been there with my ex (22 yrs) & now my son who lives with me. It just goes on. All I want is peace. X
Jefferson you hit it out of the park today. I've experienced all of this and much more during my 42+ years of marriage to a Malignant Narcissistic Husband. We've been in the process of Divorce since June 2023. Thank you for your advice and examples given on how to respond to a Narcissist. It's extremely important to keep it short when communicating with a Narcissist. Never, ever confront them on their lies. It only makes them double down on the lies and it can lead them to a volatile level with you.
I choose to move out permanently, separated since November 2022, for my safety. Because his mental state had become volatile. When I left, I went NO COMMUNICATION, total silence. I didn't know it then, but now I've learned that's the best way to handle a Narcissist. I knew it was the best thing for my mental and physical health. So, Thank you for your insightful podcasts. You'll never know who needs to hear your advice.
Having studied narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) (one of the "dark triad" personality traits) as part of my psychology degree and doing research on this phenomenon, I have quite a lot to say about this topic. Whilst we all have so-called "narcissistic" traits, which are innate and serve to promote survival in certain situations, it's important to realise that this is on a spectrum and can also develop (which is kind of another topic). As for NPD itself, I have an immediate relative who's a textbook example of having this (also observed by my daughter who's a psychiatrist) and have found my own ways, although not easy, to deal with it. I agree with Jefferson Fisher's helpful suggestions here. One key point is to not feed it. Do not give oxygen to fire. It's futile and really not worth it. That said, someone with NPD (at least with someone that I know well) will still try to find something to accuse you of if you remain silent, which is typically criticising your expression or how you're standing/sitting or what you _should_ be saying or doing. Whatever you do/don't do or say/not say will be wrong in their mind.
So true
After watching this video I've come to the determination that my husband is a narcissist. What a long struggle this has been for me. Never are my points validated. I'm treated like nothing I say matters or has any meaning. I'm constantly corrected. Don't get me wrong...I am listened to which helps me feel worthy. But that's it. It doesn't stop there. It's almost as if what my husband says goes and that's it. This style of communication is damaging to our relationship and he doesn't even realize it. That's the sad part. Almost everything out of his mouth is a damn argument. I have almost given up several times. I am so happy for Jefferson. I am happy the Jefferson has an interest in sharing effective communication with others who struggle on a daily basis with their partners. I will try your techniques Jefferson I hope they work.
I’ll be watching this one everyday for awhile! “Praise and provoke” - this is so spot on. Not enough praise (or recognition or attention) being given to them, and they will say or do something provocative, often seemingly out of the blue. It’s a pattern with these types that I’ve seen over & over.
I appreciate your calm, sound-minded approach to dealing with self-centered people.
man do i fall into the game when dealing with my son. he is the only person that brings me to tears and upset . this reminds me not to expect him admitting wrong or saying sorry or any empathy even to me his loving Mom. He picked a doozy of a wife and in laws too !! Give me strength, i have 3 granddaughters now....
For many just like myself we’ve attracted so many of these types. Some people are easy targets and aren’t any the wiser as to why. Those that are open and honest and are empathetic are easy targets. Set boundaries and educate yourself on these monsters . Mine were friends and a few family members. I’m now 56 and I’ve drawn the line. Stand firm and remove those you can and keep a solid distance from those you feel you can’t.❤
I always say, "Youre right!" He loses interest really quickly.
"Yes " Ah ok" " I see"
" Okay" .
Don't Play the Game with them: Praise or Provoke! Flipping one word you said and leaving out the rest. Dear Jefferson, you are 100% on point!!!
Use BIFF with a narcissist: Brief Information, Friendly but Firm. One sentence only is all they need. Thanks, Jefferson!
A sentence without them interrupting? Impossible. Make your answers as short as possible.
Simplified and to the point! Learned to deal with family using BIFF and it works!
I really like this podcast! You give great information on this. Years ago I was going through a very difficult divorce and child custody case. I have learned since then the my ex actually had a diagnosis of being a narcissist. I suspected it. We went to court order physiological testing and parenting classes. One of the head doctors told me in private that when dealing with my ex, especially on the phone, don’t play the game. It takes 2 to play and if I take myself out, there’s no game. He went on to tell me pretty much what you’ve just talked about. My ex would typically call me at work, he liked to get me rattled at work so I’d have a miserable time for the rest of the day. These techniques worked wonders!! All the difference in the world! Thank you for this advice.
Exactly, go into good customer service mode. Smile, breath and look them in the eye and say " I understand", " I am glad you told me". Both parties can learn something in a challenging conversation.
i just discovered your podcast! i love it. I am married to a covert narcissist. I've learned a lot in the last couple years. I don't think we've ever had a conversation. He is either thinking out loud or spewing information. The thing that I have trouble with is when we are with other people, he repeats every anectdote he knows that begins with "I". Whatever they say, he starts with "I". It mortifies me! I don't want to invite people over, meet new people, travel with others.
I work with a narcissist at work. I am a woman. I got her into a place of “distance” although we have to work together… I don’t share my life anymore… I used to…I’m polite but only work is our relationship now…..just work… She told two of my bosses (who are men) that I hurt her feelings and she cried and made me look like the bad guy. One in fact told me that I hurt her feelings…It’s all a big game that she plays very well….Everything in me wants to tell her off, but I know it will work against me, she has no feelings…she just wants control….thank you for all your tips and help. I really appreciate it.
I can't wait to watch this - sounds just like my work colleague.
Yep they are the victims. Exactly the same things happened to me at work and in family. I politely set boundaries and the infuriated them. They need to manipulate someone else to get revenge.
Sounds exactly like my coworker, I door slam her last week and just hoping that I won't have to work with her ever again. This has caused extreme mental health issues for me.
Eek. Sounds like my sister in law. NR. Lol She claims to have bi polar but she has little to no genuine symptoms of it it seems .....we had been struggling with a relationship for a decade and I suddenly realized maybe I could help support her understanding her bipolar. Surprise! She didn't fit the bill, but she sure does for NPD (or perhaps even sociopathy or something....).
She says a lot of strange stuff about work that I don't buy ...how she's just not recognized for her amazing ethic etc But my mom is NPD And I witnessed her doing that throughout my childhood. She would slack off at work and shove work on to others and then cry and complain and even rage at others when she was called out.
@@peterc66 I get that!!! Makes you physically ill.
Plenty of apologies but absolutely NO CHANGE
You nailed it on so many levels. I especially appreciate your caution about over using the term narcissist. The over use has made it difficult when you really have someone suffering from this disorder in your life. People dismiss it “everyone thinks the other person is a narcissist.”
We need to make a shift here. And we need to stop enabling people who have these tendencies and/or the full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Thank you, Jefferson, for being the light in the darkness. Keep up the great work.
I didn't have any idea what I was up against until after my life was in shambles. I even had a written diagnosis (ASPD/NPD) that I ignored because I had to believe he loved me. The therapist said right to his face in front of me "You are a sociopath." Unfortunately, I was surrounded by low empathy, emotionally immature, hostile people from my own family to both of our lawyers and the judge in the divorce. I stayed silent all these years in hopes of reducing conflict for my kids but things only continued. I wish I knew these things then, but I am glad you are here. No one but two insightful therapists ever seemed to understand what was really going on. I'd like to think that meeting you back then would have changed a lot for me and my children, but the truth is I wouldn't have believed you. I got warnings (some even from him) and I ignored them all. I needed to believe we were normal and happy. It was the same lie I believed about my family and if I accepted it wasn't real I was going to lose everything I had built my whole life around so I denied reality until my entire life was destroyed and the ugly truth was undeniable.
❤
I’m convinced that there are people who are not narcissists in the medical sense but they have adopted the behavior and mindset of narcissism for various reasons.
I've had an encounter that required a need to study narcissism. Turns out there's many different types. Some are literally narcissist personality disorder (aka NPD) most qualified to diagnose professionals in healthcare say those type simply need a psychiatrist. Then there's a myriad of narcissist behavior types. Some are, per recent research, genetically predisposed to that behavior. I think it's likely there's this category you've observed as well, I've not reearchex it (yet). Thanks!
Narcissists are Demons!
WOW. I SEE THAT IN NURSES AND SOME DOCTORS. I MUST HAVE A PERSONALITY THAT DRAWS THEM AS A PATIENT. IM A SENIOR
The adult children and grandchildren of alcoholics are always in management or caregiver professions.. especially the eldest siblings, "Adults addicted to managing and parenting other adults!" Covert and communal narcissists from higher income and/or functional families! child@emelinerager-golden5553
I just want to say, I feel so good inside when I listen/watch your videos. You have a gentle loving soul and it is very healing - your person, your voice, the way you genuinely care about human interaction and communication. You are refreshing and I had to tell you that.
Thank you so much for being your best you, always.
Best take-aways for me: keep the communication on text for record, and keep it short to not offer choices on what they answer back.
Thank you! I learn so much from your posts!
But beware that they can and will edit your replies. Keep your own copies.
So true! Nailed it. Every example you mentioned is true. They flip it and blame you. You can’t win. So don’t try. Move on.
I wish I could go back in time and just fade away from my mother. I caused myself so much pain trying to beg her to HEAR me and treat me well.
Susana, I wish we could communicate…..I am also the adult daughter of a ruthless narcissist/ borderline sociopath. I wish I knew someone else who understood the devastation of what it feels like to have a mother who doesn’t have love for you. It’s unnatural….and it fks up your head. But the fact is, my mother is the most dangerous person in my life. I have and will always fear her.
Same here # healing@@lx7645
❤
I’m so sorry. I’m glad you realized your worth 💛🦋
Same
I did have a boss narcissist…she left almost 2 months ago after much prayer.!! Thank the Lord!
great one liner; “put down the shovel and keep on walking”
This also gave us an amazing tool to identifying a Narc or toxic person… speak highly of a person to them and see how they react…if they tear them down or use the opportunity to talk about themselves that’s a major red flag. If instead, they use the opportunity to praise that person further, or they seem to really enjoy hearing about it that’s just seriously major points for that person and someone that you probably want to add to your circle.
This video is so accurate! Any interaction you have with them is a game. There are givers and takers in this world and narcissists are takers.
I’ve watched a lot of UA-cam videos on narcissism. Many are eye opening and educational but this particular video gives me insightful tips and actionable strategies to apply to a few of my family and friends who appear to be covert narcissists. I’m so fatigued from trying to explain myself to a walls of denial and insidious side trips. I love the advice given, Silence is golden, and if I have to engage then being neutral in the face of accusations and gaslighting I will try this out to diffuse, ugh.
I am facing a narcissist in our workplace just recently and I'm having a hard time dealing with it .Sometimes, I can't control my emotions by raising my voice. This is very helpful Jeff .Thank you , this means a lot to me .❤❤❤
Silence can’t be misquoted
Jefferson Fisher has great advice. He is so sincere and helpful. It's like he really cares.
This man’s words are my 32 year story word for word. I could write a book or be a therapist on this subject no problem at all.
SILENCE IS GOLDEN..
So hard to do - but, it’s doesn’t feed into their game. Staying NEUTRAL is a source of strength.
Thankful for your words of wisdom.
No contact and blocking id the best, and most effective, “ golden silence”.
I was married to a covert high functioning narc for 29 years. I thought I was done with him and that’s not happening. But you keep me instilled with hope. And I need you everyday! Thank you so much Jefferson!!
wow 29 years so sorry.
Thank you Jefferson. The more I learn and understand about narcissistic behavior, the more I realize how right you are about this being the only way to deal with them. Minimal response or silence. Everything else they turn back on themselves. It's a lonely life being married to one. Thankfully I now know how to cope and look after myself. Took me forever to figure it out. But hey, it's never too late.
Thank you for your excellent and wonderful communication tips. ❤
I’ve known a narcissist. More importantly I have been one most of my younger life. I lend it to immaturity for some of it. Since I’ve learned from Jesus how to relate with others with empathy and patience. I’ve matured to be aware of my own agenda too.
Thank you Jefferson for opening up your toolbox and showing us how to use these tools! God bless brother!
That is amazing and incredibly brave of you!!! All things are possible with God!
Yeal, RIGHT! Your not fooling anyone.
How did you change?
You are the best!!! When I get a podcast from you I PAY ATTENTION. You are so eloquent when you speak truth. I am dealing with an alcoholic lying to me that he has inoperable stomach cancer. In fact, the ER nurse told me, he has gastritis and pancreatitis. No doubt from his drinking. I stopped drinking thirty years ago (I'm 69) and I see all his manipulative behavior. I have to tune him out it's hard because I don't want him to drink himself to death. But you are so right I tried to help him but all he does is deny the truth and try to make me feel sorry for him. At this point I can't believe anything he says. It's a shame but I accept the fact I have to put up a stop sign because he's sucking me in. Not anymore. He's trying to drag me down with him. I will keep listening to your podcasts to learn how to value my life that I have created and not get destroyed by him. Thank you.
Ellenzz
Hey I don't know why you think you don't want him to drink himself to death why do you try to control people do you think you're god? God gives free will people make choices and people face consequences just run your own race
These communication skills have helped more than decades of therapy. Thank you 🙏
hello jefferson. really enjoy and appreciate your videos. narcissism is more prevalent than meets the eye.
normal people see communication as a bridge to understanding others and themselves, resolving problems, fostering mutual respect.
narcissists see communication as a tool to manipulate people to advance, conceal and protect their self-serving interests.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
You are 100 percent correct. I wish I could have seen this years ago. We are good people with good motives and intentions. We assume others are too. It is difficult for us to understand, fathom, or prepare for this.
Family members. I still don't get why they do this, and it is so exhausting to have to deal with. Thank you so much Jefferson. I have recognised over the past two years that my brother is a gaslighter and probably a narcissist. I appreciate all of this advice, it feels so good to have some strategies for me to stay calm and unaffected.
Family can be where personality disorders are worst. In addition to sibling rivalry, there's what I call 'familial complacency,' where some members of the family act like family is stuck with you so they feel they can act any way they want. Why this isn't warned about culturally, I don't know.
You are a blessing to so many people!!!
Hello! I just listened to your podcast for the first time on Narcissists this evening, and you hit it “spot on!” I can’t tell you the damage that has been done to me physically, mentally and emotionally for the past 21 years. Finally, through God’s help I have been rescued and still working on reparation of all those years of damage to me and my children/family. Thank God for authentic genuine people like you to help with damage repair and encouragement! Thank you!
Kathleen - Manistee, MI
I’m so thankful I’ve done the work in therapy to deal with my mother who is so much of this and that she doesn’t provoke any real reactions from me anymore using a lot of these tools you mentioned. It was a lot of hard work but I don’t feed the dragon anymore
I can absolutely relate. I didn't realise it was an issue at the time from childhood, but I realise more and more that I had developed coping mechanisms - being neutral, silence, not reacting from well before I was in my teens, which is sad when you think about how a child needs to protect themselves from their own mother
@@SummerUsagiBB but we’re strong enough to break that cycle. ❤️🩹
Thank you discussing labelling, ie calling someone a "narcissist". I have been told by clinical phycologists that this is not wise, for several reasons. Far better to identify the behaviour and deal with that, which is what you have dealt with. Further to your point, "Silence, can never be misquoted", keeping quiet or not providing information seems to work well. However, the "good" ones seem to have ways to make you talk. Be on your guard.
Probably the best video I've ever seen on narcissism. We need a teachers like you in high school or even in grade school. Keep it coming with all of your, what I will call .".Fisher isms". 😂❤
Thank you!
I pray on the daily to have the strength to deal with my mom, who is definitely a narcissist, and possibly bi-polar. She refuses to get checked out or get on any meds to help her and it's been a constant struggle for me. I've been going on 4 years as a caregiver to both parents. The constant negativity and the way she always talks down and badly towards people absolutely drives me nuts. I'd give anything to have my happiness back. Unfortunately, as an only child, I'm the only one left to care and put up with her.
Wow, you're podcast is SO helpful! Thank you for pouring out wisdom to us hurting people. You are a blessing.
So glad it is helpful.
That is absolutely true!!! I love the part of telling the brain that now it is for myself.
I appreciate this so much! Narcissists are the toughest!
Best tools and advises. I have struggled to be quiet but your advise; levelled me to the mind of the narrcists, no praise, no provoke but silence and self healing
This message about a narcissist was so very helpful for me. One of my sisters has intolerable behavior and plays many mind games often. You may not have a degree in psychology but the advice you give about many topics are simple and practical.
Thank you for sharing your God given talents!
These are good.
I am married to a narcissist sociopath. We are informally separated which works out well because I am in charge of our finances that way.
When I realized I was in over my head I found ways to spend a as little time with him as possible. He would make us late for church every week. I would tell that we should take two cars and give him good reasons for that decision. I too love texts because it keeps the conversation short and gives me a written record of what he said. I am always very careful to be positive in my tone. I don’t even try to work through issues. There is no point
Very helpful, Jefferson. Thank you.
I very much enjoy your podcasts, Jefferson. Excellent advice today!! I had to learn this the hard way, when I was trying to debate a narcissist, trying to remain logical and calm. Nothing worked, I never got the empathy or apology I requested in the most respectful way. Our conflict was significant and didn't happen for the first time. So I walked away and ended a very long friendship with a childhood friend. For quite a while I felt guilty for cutting her off and I was sad because cutting her off meant also having to let go of some of her family and friends. At times I feel that I should have tried harder to make her see my point of view. Your advice today suggests that there is nothing I could have done. This gives me peace and a step closer to completely close this chapter.
This method actually works. I just have to remember not get too wordy, I waste my energy and the other person feels justified or satisfied is more accurate.
Same here with being wordy. I think of Jefferson Fisher every time I'm about to send my ex a text that's too long, then I just delete-delete-delete...we have 2 teenagers so we have to communicate somewhat but he is a real gem who only cares about himself. Unfortunately it took me ~15 years in a loveless marriage to REALLY figure that out, then just before 20yrs the divorce was FINAL! I LOVE this channel and I'm SO glad I found it!
Me too..like getting sucked into that cycle hamsterwheel.
Narcissists have basic patterns of behaviour, all of them.
In other words, they run on rails. You know what they're going to do or say in advance. This is their major weakness, and once you realise it, it's your strength.
Amen! And a sexual narcissist goes by a script - you have basically no input in that aspect of the relationship.
Unfortunately, I had been in the crazy world of narcissists my entire life. Unknown to me, my mother and (ex spouse) are very narcissistic. I came to that realization less than five years ago. I cut off ties with them. I am no longer jumping through hoops to keep them happy. I am more at peace. God bless you!
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You are not alone. Almost 10 years now with no contact with my narcissistic mother. I don't wish that on anyone, but sometimes you have to cut ties for your own mental health. Glad you're more at peace.
The world of codependency
I admire your courage!👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“I don’t need an apology to validate my feelings”
I am 49 and this simple, undiscovered truth just instantly changed my life.
This has unchained me from an emotional torture chamber since the person in my life will NEVER apologize, never have and never will.
Because of my love, I never want to hurt or “shut down” this person.
Your kindness approach helps me stay on the higher path and keep exercising the bible principle that “Love Never Fails.”
I love this person because I know trauma and CPTSD has caused irreversible damage in thought processes and faulty perceptions of reality.
I have been dealing with these types of people for a very long time and you have given me the best advice right now 👍 thanks !
You have perfectly described someone who I know and who I have recently told “I do not want anything further to do with you”. I hadn’t realised that they were a narcissist until I heard your podcast. I thought they were a sociopath (maybe both?). The fallout continues but in I am remaining silent which seems to make them even worse at the moment.
Jefferson yours is my Go-To channel for excellent, usable advice that I reply on now since I recently came upon your channel. Your suggested phrasing, responses are effective and easy to apply! Most importantly for me is you have helped me navigate my necessary communication with a Narcissist whom I must live with for a while. You simplify every nugget of advice. This video is precious to anyone who has the misfortune of having a supervisor at work, an ex spouse or a family member who is a true Narc. Never, ever argue with a Narc. You will never be heard with empathy or understanding or even, have your point acknowledged. It took me literally, years to realize this. Thank you so much, Jefferson for your work and passion for communication! Please, keep up the public service!
If you think that's a good look on you and you think that's okay? Noted, best responses ever thank you
55 years old and only just realising my mother is a narc. It's affected my life in ways i just never saw. I've had to have treatment for years and only now realise i was under her spell. I was going to confront her but I'm so glad you popped up because i now know it really won't do any good. I can just be grateful that i see what she is and learn how to deal with her behaviours and how I react. Thank you so much 🙏
Mandy my mums a narc I went no contact a year ago as I have an anxiety disorder because of the verbal abuse all my life . I broke it briefly a couple of months ago to talk to her . I realised very quickly in that conversation I was wasting my time so I went back no contact . They do not want to change even for their own flesh and blood the disorder is there personality when you realise that as painful as it is you let go . Putting you first is a priority wish you well and don’t doubt your decisions as we are bought up to doubt ourselves . We are enough ❤
I woke up. @ 55
I'm gonna be 59 in a few days and I'm divorced from the Narc, butvhavd discovered I picked him because my parents are narc's and set me up for it! 3 years later, still negotiating No Contact with them- although they don't entirely know it yet ..
@@mandymckeown8625Amen Amen amen!!
Great tips, less is best when dealing with the narcissist. Reminder, when they are trying to provoke that's supply to them. Negative attention, is still attention, and they can not get enough of it. Keep your response short and to the point as Jefferson suggested but also keep or even lower your tone when speaking, keep firm but just lower. This helps set the tone. Even if they're screaming their head off like a big baby. This shows them your unaffected by their drama, thus cutting off their supply.
Brilliant! As the family scapegoat ruled by a narcissist, it's no wonder I sought out narcissists in my adult life to blame, control, and manipulate me and had boyfriends and friends who took advantage of my lack of awareness and naivety for years. While I don't regret my relationship with my ex because I had my children, I've grown to where I see those behaviours quickly in new friends and the few men I've met for coffee, I don't accept narcissists in my life today. Your video supports not only my journey, but gives also valuable insight to reaffirm my future choices. Thanks ever so much. Your videos are like finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
This is me too
Your experience is exactly my experience!
@@AlEtteso How're you doing these days?
@@teresatheharvester144 How's everything going for you now?
Wow, Jefferson, a huge thank you from Ontario, Canada. You consistently provide genuine, unbiased and incredibly helpful advice with strategies to your subscribers. Your concise, upbeat yet compassionate delivery is more than appreciated.
I've realised I can choose not to engage or include in my world, people who have narcissistic traits - just don't bother at all. They're toxic and leave me feeling inflated or low. I am over using tools, thinking on how to handle them or to protect myself. I'm saving my energy and pearls of kindness and,love for those who are easier to be around and leave me with an uplifted feeling.