My narc parents resented me for not being interested in them when I became an adult. They felt entitled to a relationship with me despite never having one with me as a kid. You reap what you sow.
Absolutely!! And 15 years after divorcing him I still get triggers… I will never forget/forgive him when during 3 back to back hurricanes in FL my cousin died and when I cried he would say: why are you crying?! You need to cry?! 🤬
Absolutely! What you said about trying to keep the tears in brought that tightness in my throat remembering dealing with my narcissistic father. I have been listening to you for a few months now and finally, at the age of 66, understand and feel understood. Thank you so very much.
Saw this publicly this week in the news. Someone was “shamed” when someone offered an emotional request at a public event. That request received a vicious response of shame in kind, followed by humiliation, attempts to shut them down and attacked for pushing a selfish agenda. In that order. Wow!
Yes, I saw that on the other side of the world. It was very interesting to see a narcissistic injury happening right there. The physical reaction of turning the head, the tightening of the mouth. The immature signalling of blocking the words and trying to give silent treatment. Then the smearing afterwards, and flying monkeys helping the smear campaign. 🔎
My mom hated that I had any emotion that wasn't content. She gets so hurt at perceived slights, which was even harder to navigate as an undiagnosed AuADHD person who likes to state facts, is easily overwhelmed, and sensitive.
Doctor R … I’m just going to have you start narrating my life because every day your words match exactly what is happening to me (and so so very many other viewers). Thank you for helping us to not feel alone ❤
I’m a therapist and you are helping me. I was raised by two narcissists and been in two narcissistic relationships. That’s amazing. I do therapy all along with clients and was being mentally and verbally abused on a daily basis. I am now setting all kind of boundaries and allowing myself to see my relationships for what they are utilizing radical acceptance, although it’s hard to hear at times. I appreciate your work and I am referring you to my clients on a daily basis dealing with similar situations and people.
I was on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse when I told my ex-husband that he had hurt me about some things he had said to me. I was stunned by his narcissistic rage. I felt like my mind split into three segments. I think my mind did split into three segments.
You don't stop to amaze me about how you repeat my life to me.... My mother often called me calmly to say hey I need to talk to you and then it will end up her berating me non-stop for 30 minutes or so. I was not allowed to be angry, sad or discontent.
No one should have to FAKE their feelings to be safe in a relationship. When faking becomes the norm because it's the only way to protect yourself, then it's time to get out. It's not a relationship. It's a battleground. Against the Narc and against yourself. Peace, strength ang growth to all. ❤
The narc doesn't care about your emotions, period. The narc husband buried HIMSELF under blankets after I expressed grief sadness. Every single time. Within the span of the marriage both my parents died and 2 doggos. He hid under blankets rather than talk about grief. It was disturbing, and an awakening awareness...this man cannot accept, nor experience emotions, period. (Edit) Exactly like Dr Ramani stated... 6:02 no one is allowed to have emotion, unless the narc needs the supply.
I just had a hard breakup. It's been really difficult since my five-year relationship ended a few months ago. My former partner is still very much in my heart, and I can't seem to stop thinking about him. Nothing has worked to get him back, and at this point, it seems impossible to be with anyone else. I know it may seem strange to admit this, but I miss him terribly and think about him constantly.
I completely understand the pain of letting go of someone you love. I went through a similar experience when my 10 year relationship ended. I couldn't imagine my life without him, so I tried everything to rekindle our love. I eventually found guidance from a spiritual counselor, and their support helped me bring him back into my life if you're open to it, seeking help from a spiritual counselor might make a difference.
I simply used your useful information to look him up online. Amazing I looked up Father Obah Eze online, and he seems like a sincere person. Again, thank you ❤
i was told by my narc mom that her father would say, after abusing them, "stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about!" my dad never said anything like that about his parents.
You’re not aloud to get angry either !! I got accused of crying to manipulate him it was one of the most horrible things he ever said to me . After said the most horrible lies about me . This was before I knew he was a narcissist. He also loves when he hurts me he gets excited he doesn’t even try to hide it it makes me sick 🤢
This is exactly what happens to me, but only when I visibly show emotion. Mostly, I just say OK and have a blank look on my face. But a few times a year I defend myself and or call the narcissist out on his part in the whatever crap he is unloading on me. It hurts for days after the verbal pummeling. However, after 10 minutes after the incident HE is talking to me, happily, about some nonsense or unimportant thing like no incident ever happened.
The same for me. In my situation the verbal abuse ramps up to a dehumanizing level when I get sick and am unable to provide the usual “ services”. What was screamed at me while recovering from surgery I’ll never forget. After many, many years of dedication this conduct has destroyed our marriage. Never takes responsibility but claims I’m making things up! He doesn’t have a wife but only a service provider cause my conscience won’t let me leave.
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well . I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
Oh gosh. Ptsd flashbacks. "Can we talk??"..."You dont emotionally support me. You're never there when I need you. You're not a partner. We're not even friends. I've never felt so alone in a relationship"...this after we've been doing well. Date nights. Dinners. Laughing. Intimacy going well. I tell her its all seemed so good lately "I've been faking it. I can't be myself. And the fact that you don't notice shows a lot". Literally every argument was about what I was doing wrong. So emotionally painful. Yet I miss this person.
I LOVE these videos. They remind me over and over again why I am so done with dealing with this kind of childish, relationship drama. Have experienced it and won't put myself through it agan. It's important to take time to really get to know a potential partner, seeing them in all kinds of situations, before deciding to get closer and really let them into your life.
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well . I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
My narc mom will rant and yell and be nasty and when you finally would snap she would get all calm and say "look how crazy you're being right now." Then smirk. Fortunately I moved out and I've never been happier.
There's this woman who claims that she has a demon in her .She targeted me of my loniless and exploits me for money and manipulative. When I don't give her money she gossips me bad and says I mentally ill and my home is unorganised. Why she comes and knocks my door?
My alcoholic narc husband (that I escaped and now live apart from) told me that "nobody would recognize you now" and would call me "thunder thighs" and other names to rip me down. Whenever I showed feelings he would totally emotionally and/or physically abandon me. A truly evil man. One day I dream of being free completely of him.
All the crazy echoes of narcissism circulating in my mind. It’s sick! It’s just plain NUTS! I am so sick of this emotional manipulation ! narc best just stay away from me. Today I’m going to be silent an emotionally free from your bs today!! You are not my problem!
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well . I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
Yes. With Mother? On a frequent basis. The only permitted emotion during her screaming fits was absolute fear. Anything else only made it worse, especially any kind of defense.
My son's ex narcissist was irrate when after she left him, their little ones reported to her that their father was sad and often tearful over their separation. She chastised him about manipulating the children to take his side over hers. Apparently, he was not entitled to show any emotion around the children😢💔
My sister did a variation of this. No matter how badly she treated us, she expected us to be there for her because "your family is always supposed to be there for you"
I am here trying to figure out how to deal with my sister as well!! And similar to yours, she’s very absent, until she needs/wants something then no matter what you can’t do enough for her. You never have. You ruined her whole life.
Omg same here as well I jist had to file a restraining order against her for threatening my kids but then told me it was my fault and guilt me as ruining family. Like what?
@ well if you wouldn’t have done whatever it is you did that made her act that way it wouldn’t have happened!! See all your fault!! You should really call her and apologize. Poor poor her.
My husband has two emotions anger and rage. When i try to talk to him about watching half naked women on youtube he says im not watching the video for them but the other stuff. And then he says im just not good at this life stuff youd be better off without me. And we have these circle conversations that never go anywhere. Then i said I dont understand why you hide money, he says im gonna die one day, and who is gonna pay for it. That was his third reason why he hides money, the first was so he can retire, the second was to buy whatever i want and when you bring that up, he says I never said that, i dont know where you come up with this stuff. It is physically, emotionally exhausting!
Again, as in nany cases, the title alone is enough for me. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for another accurate validation for what I had to face from what is called 'my family', for nearly 60 years; being punished for being brutally hurt BY THEM. The enabling of the community is the hardest thing to take.
A narcissists will watch your eyes well up with tears of despair that they caused with joy and only feel sorry for themselves. After wiping away your tears, you have to wipe away the narcissist who created them.
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well . I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
Ive been in it for 11 years Your lucky you did it.you are free.i hope some day i gather up the strength to get me out of here Im not happy and so unfulfilled. I never get my emotional needs met ever here
Crying or showing hurt or pain in front of the Sick Narc only feeds their insanity, is never an option, never! Control is their Sick Addiction, Dependency, & Entertainment!
They are very good at reading emotions . They see the right emotion and that ques a surprise attack . That is why its often so pathetic an excuse for an argument that you are like really, you have rambled for 20 minutes about a ring of coffee on the table that took 3 seconds to wipe .It is nothing to with the coffee it was that they seen you looking at peace so knew they can max fuel by disturbing it .
They don't actually consider it when others insult them, and then they assume everyone else is like them. Their shallow thinking and inability to mentalize really feeds into this dynamic. When they are willing to express upset or hurt feelings, *it is a show.* They assume that when anyone else is upset, that they are *also simply putting on a show* to get what they want. So they punish you, how dare you attempt to emotionally blackmail and control me! It becomes a power issue. They associate the victim role with sanctioned additional boundary crossings. If they were to validate your hurt, they believe the next step would naturally be for you to punish them. They don't understand that we just want reassurance or to know that we are loved, it is ALL about them. 🤦🏻♀️
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well . I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
you are describing my mom. to a T. so hurtful. and damned straight...i cannot have a feeling. i was told because of "support of 'minorities', the locals hate me and my family and they don't want our business", after random meals for 2 years at their establishment. shared this with mom. she laughed at my pain and told me 'that's probably the nicest compliment you could've had'. i immediately realized, so typical of how my emotions were shut down my whole life. wow.
This is such a lightbulb moment for me... My entire life my mother would scream at me and call me names and do horrendously intentionally cruel things to me, and then start mocking me and making fun of me when I cried. She would say I was "fake crying again" and then the rage and screaming would get even worse than the original fight she picked because now somehow the "victim" of my "fake" behavior. Then 30 minutes later she'd be over it and acting like nothing happened and that I was "being a baby" for still being upset about it. Then usually in the next day or two she would buy me a present to "make it up to me" and then the cycle repeated ad nauseum for 30 years until I finally cut contact last year. This video just made me realize it was because my emotions triggered more shame in her herself, and she couldn't handle that shame so instead that means my emotions must be "fake" and I'm having them "for the sole purpose of hurting her feelings." Narcissist brains are fuckin' WILD, man.
I just told my bro I lost 15 lbs. I'm underweight & it's from illness...can't eat... He had a big grin. A couple of months ago I was doubled over in pain. He didn't know I saw him but another huge smirk. I'm 65
OMG, 8 minutes in and you have me so grateful for my therapist! Spot on. I was married to a Dark Triad and our adult children are finally coming out of his grip. I’m overly experienced with this game, but survival is the best vengeance. Stay strong by loving Yourself first ❤️
i've been made to feel guilty for loving myself. all.my.life. mom was thought of first (all i do for you), and dad was constantly made fun of...he was the target every damned day. in retrospect, i recognize his sadness and his just settling for what he had, because he loved us kids. unconditionally. he wasn't allowed to give us hugs. so he hugged and held his grandkids...and they loved him so hard. mom didn't know how to love us. still doesn't. dad set us all up for success and mom tore us down. when i made the deans list, mom said, 'you must be studying basketweaving 101'. i was to take NO PRIDE from my hard work trying to be a vet tech...the closest i could get to what i'd always wanted to be. and so it continues. i'm stuck. i know what it is, i've set boundaries, and i'm not taking her verbal abuse anymore. she's told me, "you aren't going to win..." okay. now i know what i'm dealing with. she's over 90 and we're supposed to feel sorry for her...nope. she doesn't see the blessing. you might know of her...but i won't say. i've got a living space that i want to hold onto until i can't.
This was a good video. Have you covered systemic abuse with narcissistic tactics on a larger scale? I'm already stuck in a narcissistically abusive situation with both parents. In four vulnerable groups, no real resources left that I haven't already tried. Isolated and each time I went for help I lost people I knew. And it's to the point I broke down crying and cried out 'I need help!" to each of my doctors. So many now are immediately going to suffer under this new regime. I spent 36 years dealing with this and living in it trying to safely escape while my body got broken. I love your vids and a bunch of other professionals who talk about abuse...we just really need more coverage about it at a larger scale now too. Everything that's happening is going to make victims/ survivors/ and the abusers themselves are going to get crushed by more pressure and less resources to even survive.
My ex called me a manipulative, narcissist, selfish, coward while having extreme angry outbursts, demanding my emotional support at all times, being incapable of regulating emotionally, using other people out of boredom and then discarding them when they're no longer serving her, withholding physical and sexual intimacy but throughout our entire relationship I've handled it with so much logic and reasoning and my lack of reaction always threw her off and made her angry she was in fact always accusing me of not being emotional and not having the appropriate reactions until by the very end when it got worst and she was trying to discard me, i walked away willingly and closed the door by myself, my mom is the main narcissist in my life she thought me well.
Your episodes really help because these people actually say these things word for word.and it is almost funny that they do not have actual stuff to say that has meaning and substance. Someone on one of these platforms once mentioned a Narc Bingo Card - mentally playing bingo with their attacks remarks accusations tactics. Cultivating a P-p-p-poker Face is hard though. After three decades, i do wanna laugh sometimes. Makes no difference whether 7:35 I laugh cry scream shout sing nursery rhymes or the National anthems of various nations, or say nothing. Saying nothing makes him more mad. Wearing headpjones works for me but then the viciousness ramps up and well, the kids get to hear it. As Dr Les Carter says, best not to go to their bad level of treating people and feeljng vengeful; i am kind of there, in that ugly place of my.worst self. I still feel sorry for him, but schadenfreude is more predominant. And I will.pay for his.funeral but am unlikely to attend.
This may help you. It's called EFT, if you do not know what this is, watch a couple of videos first. Sample Tapping Script: Round 1: Acknowledging Negative Feelings Karate Chop: "Even though I feel hurt and excluded by my family, I deeply and completely accept myself." EB: "I feel hurt by how my family treats me." SE: "They don’t understand my pain." UE: "It feels unfair and exhausting." UN: "I feel like I can’t win with them." CH: "This stress is weighing on me." CB: "It hurts my heart and my body." UA: "I feel so angry and sad about it." TH: "This frustration feels stuck inside me." Round 2: Releasing the Emotion Karate Chop: "Even though I feel this pain, I’m open to letting it go." EB: "I don’t need to carry this pain forever." SE: "I can release it, bit by bit." UE: "This stress doesn’t serve me." UN: "It’s safe to let go of some of this hurt." CH: "I deserve to feel calm and at peace." CB: "I’m releasing this pain now." UA: "I am open to healing." TH: "I choose to feel lighter and calmer." Round 3: Positive Reframing Karate Chop: "Even though this situation is hard, I’m choosing peace for myself." EB: "I am stronger than this pain." SE: "I deserve love and understanding." UE: "I choose to focus on my own well-being." UN: "I can create peace within me." CH: "I am letting go of the anger." CB: "I am open to feeling calm and strong." UA: "I can find joy and peace within myself." TH: "I am healing, one step at a time." Tips for Personalizing It: Be specific: Use words that describe your unique feelings and experiences. Focus on one aspect at a time: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, start with the most pressing emotion. Repeat as needed: EFT works best with consistency. Do it daily or whenever strong emotions arise.
I just stay away from people who don’t understand how I grew up with my narcissistic parent. They only listen to the narcissist when it’s about me and I get shamed for keeping to myself or not engaging with anyone who listens to them. It’s been peaceful 😌 Enough is Enough!
The hardest part of this for me, after getting some distance from most of the narcissistic folks is the struggle with having to say something similar, and reminding myself it's not the same. They shout, demean, and belittle and I have normal utilitarian feelings about it, for which I'm then shamed and condemned. But if every time, without fail, that I decide to calmly and kindly confront them or just stand up to the lies or gaslighting (because I have to-work, etc) their irrational emotion takes over the convo and they darvo twist it to be about how awful I'm being and how much of a saintly victim they are. So, it's difficult learning to stand firm and redirect and say things like, I understand you feel that way and we can talk about that later, however I'm trying to resolve this issue with your behavior (unreliable, not following contract, lying, cheating, breach of privacy, etc) because I don't want to be like this very thing you expertly addressed in this video that continues to harm me so much.
@@stephenswanson533 my husband always and still does make it like everything that's negative that has happened is my fault. It's hard for me to ignore everything he says to me. What gets me is when I disagree with the things he says about others or situations and voice my opinion, he acts like I did an injustice to him and asks why I'm always against him, but shouldn't be because he's my husband. I tell him that I'm my own person finally and no one will ever tell me how or what to think, how to feel, what to believe in anymore except Me, Myself, and I. That's it. He hates that.
I so relate to this. I had the worst December of my entire life, as I saw all of this play out on steroids... just because i insisred that a family member have their eyes tested by an Optometrist, because they could barely see when driving and were such a danger when driving.. The punishments and revenge and smear campaigns were off the charts. Thankfully another family member was visiting and saw and heard everything. I was so vindicated and now the decent family members want nothing to do with the 2 toxic people who viciously attacked me. I'm so grateful that the Truth has prevailed about these 2 people. And that the decent family members want nothing to do with them. That comforts me.
Simple meanness means run for your life & never look back or apologize because this is the first test of your boundaries… there are many more to come before you’re destroyed, so don’t stick around after any sign of disrespect. I wish women wouldn’t ignore misogyny & we all lived our own best lives!
This is true. I'm a recovering narcissist and I can attest to this being 100% accurate. It's a constant battle in my head to keep myself proactive about getting my emotions out productively and using tools on my tool belt to redirect these emotions towards activities instead of towards people. I still make mistakes but as good or bad luck would have it my partner is a covert narcissist and isn't in recovery. I see his mistakes and feel how he makes me feel and realize how I have made others feel. Taste of my own medicine. Being older than him and in recovery for 30 years I tell him I'm a bit more practiced and careful. It's an everyday struggle to remember to redirect my frustrations towards healthy release.
Thank you! I’m still working on radical acceptance, but it gets easier every day. Kicking people when they’re down is what I’ve seen so often. It’s like they know they got you sad or upset or whatever and then kick you down even more for feeling that way. I also feel like I’ve learned bad behaviors from people I have zero interest in in being like. I try to remind myself that feeling attacked is ok when it’s happening despite what they say. I just wish I could always go grey rock. Have a great day!
I think mentally and emotionally im on my way to where i should be thriving. I experienced,I survived...so i should be thriving....the only problem is i picked up an addiction I fell into while trying to survive. I think thats an aspect that changes the evolution of healing from a narcissistic relationship. I dont know how to navigate both of these things now. Im financially dependent on this person now for more then housing/food. This makes it so much harder to deal with.
It's awful & difficult being with a narcissist bc you can't go to them when you're in pain; they will not be empathetic they will be critical about your emotions. As if you can't have your own emotions about situations that have nothing to do with them.
I think when someone has a reaction such as anger or sadness to the Narcs bs and attacks, the Narc may feel shame and on coming rage and entitlement. they dont want to be held responsible for sht.
@@pinkmeadowsyep they always think they know exactly what you think and what you're allowed to feel. Narc mom: what's wrong? Me: *says what's wrong.* Narc mom: no, that isn't it. Um...what??
The worst is when they’re angry with you for being unwell, even if it’s out of your control and they have no sympathy even if your bedridden at a hospital.
My adult sister slapped me across the face on my 50th my birthday because I didn’t look happy enough for her. Even though I was being treated (hospitalized ) for depression & trying to put on a “good” face. Going through much, much worse with her now though.
And they actually make you unwell because the amount of stress that narcissistic abuse victims suffer causes physical ailment. The cortisol alone can be debilitating. The stress affects your immune system and you get sick more easily and get better more slowly. I went NC a year ago and still have anxiety attacks here and there, but I have noticed I am rarely ill now.
I had a really close friend who was narcissistic (we had known each other since childhood so the loyalty was deep). I expressed concern about the guy she was seeing who was not treating her well (admittedly I was more blunt about my views on him than I should have been). She started yelling at me immediately and I started crying and said that she was really hurting my feelings, and she proceeded to yell, “oh really? I hurt YOUR feelings? I hurt YOUR feelings?” And that was the end of the conversation. There was only room for one person in our friendship to have feelings, and that was her.
Survivors: it's YOUR. LIFE. WHICH. YOU. DESERVE. Don't let any brainiac tell you that you don't deserve a great life. They can argue till the cows come home that nobody owes you anything. And so the idea of deserving a great life is not true. But with that thinking you never get away from the Still Small Voice that says you don't deserve a great life. You deserve it because you ARE. That's it that's all! The reasoning is circular: you deserve it because you deserve it because you deserve it etc ♥️
Yes.. when I was a child i would get spanked for crying . To now, the person I’m with, I get yelled at if I get upset, OR…… I get the dead silence and glaring sick stare as if the person gets off on my anguish .
Yes. What you say is so true. I don't cry anymore. Been with my husband over 50 yrs. I used to cry everyday after we got married. I experience this all the time, but it's hard not to respond. It's my husband's way of controlling me when I'm calm or before we go anywhere. He starts those scenarios so that he can tell people... "be careful she's in a bad mood" and then he acts like nothing happened. It makes him look like he's the good guy .
yeah...i cried for the first 18 months of my marriage. thought it was because i was in a different country. they called it culture shock. the dr. that saw me the first time i went in told my husband, "there ought to be a smile on this woman's face! that's your responsibility!" i didn't ever get to see him again. i got black circles under my eyes...and then i got sertraline Rx and turned my life around. felt able to cope.
I heard that whenever I expressed an emotion I was told that I was just trying to "manipulate" him. I was not allowed to have genuine emotion that he could respond to.
Yep because for these people, relationships are war. So he assumes that you are weaponizing your tears. They literally cannot see or understand any other way of being
It’s so hard trying to live with a narc husband. Especially after having come from a dysfunctional childhood. Narc mother and absentee father. Dr. Ramani, you have brought me out of the fog and the sham of a life that I was living in. All these difficult emotions began to make sense after watching your videos. It gave me reassurance that my voice is also important and needs to be heard. 😢
I was just wondering about this question myself. I recently had in my life someone who would lash out whenever I showed any vulnerability - a "kick them when they're down" mentality - and the emotional damage it caused was just horrid. I did not understand it, though, which made it so much worse. I didn't understand, couldn't relate to it and therefore couldn't figure out how to stop it happening. Thank you for explaining.
Just happened a few days ago. Your timing is impeccable. I was trying to keep a hurtful interaction to myself, because I knew I would be shamed if I shared. I finally blurted out what was wrong, against my better judgement. He proceeded to shame, blame and yell at me for expressing myself, and enabling the bad behavior of the person who had used the same tactics on me a couple days prior. A walk through hell. Pure exhaustion. Working on getting out. Once again, Thanks for your help. You are truly a blessing 😊
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well . I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
OMG, my narc mother would always blame me for anything that happened with another person. If I was being bullied in school or had a fall out with a friend and I told her, her immediate response was to blame shift and ask me what did I do to bring it on to myself. It got to the point that I started thinking I was an anti-social mess. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized I could not go to her for empathy and started keeping everything to myself.
YES!! this EXACT thing happened to me a couple of days ago,🤯😒 meanwhile I have been separated, survived & thrived past the narc YEARS ago... suddenly he calls me out of the blue ( didnt recognise his number on my phone) & starts a well known old tirade about how I didnt give my kids unconditional love, meanwhile he has almost deleted their lives drunk driving & ruined their finances ,which I managed to salvage...I mean..🤯🤔 these creatures NEVER stop or give up...I was able to remember my therapy & online notes ,to ignore him & ridicule his attempts at contact & all went well...but I'm like daym these creatures never give up🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🙄😒
Clear, concise, perfect description of an experience I went through thousands of times with my narcissistic father. Thank you for your significant contributions to the psychological wellness of narcissistic victims!
Yes. The last time I cried in front of my husband, he said, "Oh whah-whah! Quit your cying! You're only trying to get me to get me to feel sorry for you!" Or when I show any anger when he is abusing me without yelling and cursing (he usually does yell and curse), then I hear, "Look, you're the one who's angry. Im not angry." When I show emotion, he would say how he had to walk on eggshells around me as though showing them was wrong. I also relate to him going into a rage and then acting like nothing happened. This happened constantly. I would find him down there playing online video games while laughing and talking to his friends like nothing happened. Then if I tried to talk to him about the abuse, i would hear thing like "Oh God!, What now!, Why cant you just get over it, my friends and I bullsh*t with each other all the time and we don't talk about it after!. The list goes on. Meanwhile, I often left the house to get away from him while I cried in the car. I no longer feel like i can be vulnerable around him. Instead, i have become so angry. But now I've learned that i can't even show that because half the time now, he picks fights with me just to get that reaction out of me. It's exhausting. He does whatever makes him feel in control.
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well . I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
...or when a narcissistic parent gets done berating or spanking a child (in public), the child starts crying, and the narc parent reacts by saying "Stop your crying!" It's like the parent is ashamed that the kid is crying but is completely oblivious to the fact that maybe the child feels shame, too.
My mom would mock me and laugh at me if I started crying. She was definitely a narcissist, but I think she had something else going on as well. She would call me by the name of her younger sister, and taunt me the way a 7-year-old would taunt a 5-year-old, sometimes threatening to "tell Daddy" if I did something wrong.
That explains why my father often exiled me to my room for showing an emotional response to anything involving him; most often tears were present, which apparently he couldn't stand. So he would threaten to hurt me if I kept crying and then send me to my room. I never learned how to identify what I was feeling or why, only that tears were bad and punishable by alienation.
Yes! You become more and more compliant, losing all self-protection. Not because you are trying to preserve the relationship as is so often said (and maybe true in some cases) but because to do otherwise always makes it worse. This is why it's so hard to get out. Freezing and fawning are the only behaviors that keep you safe and minimize the abuse. You are trapped.
Mine would 'stop by' home with a blatant lie that somebody told him I did something, knowing nobody had said anything, just to start an argument so he could leave again because I was being a baby by crying. He just sent me a message begging me to come home. He said he bought us a new house. He just neglected to mention the other woman he has living there with him.
This one is tricky because I know a lot of people who use emotional reactions in order to manipulate other people. Narcissists can't be played like that. They perceive other people's emotional responses as a game the other person is playing because they play these games too. They won't coddle someone who is using emotional responses to get their way. My point is, many people won't comfort you while you're crying because they feel like they're being manipulated. If someone is being distant while you're crying, it might be because you're using your emotions to get what you want and the person backing away isn't necessarily a narcissist, they just aren't falling for the act.
My narc husband….i already wrote a comment and I can’t find it. I really don’t want to enter the same comment again but in a nutshell he builds and escalates a comment until I results in a huge fight and tell me it’s about me. It’s always about me. He does so much for me… and that’s pretty much the end of the interaction. I can’t afford to leave as I can’t afford the costs. Staying is better than living under a bridge.
My narc parents resented me for not being interested in them when I became an adult.
They felt entitled to a relationship with me despite never having one with me as a kid.
You reap what you sow.
Absolutely!! And 15 years after divorcing him I still get triggers… I will never forget/forgive him when during 3 back to back hurricanes in FL my cousin died and when I cried he would say: why are you crying?! You need to cry?! 🤬
Absolutely! What you said about trying to keep the tears in brought that tightness in my throat remembering dealing with my narcissistic father. I have been listening to you for a few months now and finally, at the age of 66, understand and feel understood. Thank you so very much.
Narcissistic rant as emotional throw-up: great analogy!
My god... Cannot believe someone is speaking this out loud... What I've experienced.
Saw this publicly this week in the news. Someone was “shamed” when someone offered an emotional request at a public event. That request received a vicious response of shame in kind, followed by humiliation, attempts to shut them down and attacked for pushing a selfish agenda. In that order. Wow!
Yes, I saw that on the other side of the world. It was very interesting to see a narcissistic injury happening right there. The physical reaction of turning the head, the tightening of the mouth. The immature signalling of blocking the words and trying to give silent treatment. Then the smearing afterwards, and flying monkeys helping the smear campaign. 🔎
They simply don't care about your feelings because they don't like their feelings.
Exactly! This!! 💯🎯
@@sparkygump 💯TRUTH
If it was just that. She got very happy, danced and smiled after she hurt me so much that I couldn't hold back tears.
My mom hated that I had any emotion that wasn't content. She gets so hurt at perceived slights, which was even harder to navigate as an undiagnosed AuADHD person who likes to state facts, is easily overwhelmed, and sensitive.
Doctor R … I’m just going to have you start narrating my life because every day your words match exactly what is happening to me (and so so very many other viewers). Thank you for helping us to not feel alone ❤
Yes...thank you doctor Ramani. You know my husband well.
got the notification, saw the title, and HAD to click. it’s too real.
I’m a therapist and you are helping me. I was raised by two narcissists and been in two narcissistic relationships. That’s amazing. I do therapy all along with clients and was being mentally and verbally abused on a daily basis. I am now setting all kind of boundaries and allowing myself to see my relationships for what they are utilizing radical acceptance, although it’s hard to hear at times. I appreciate your work and I am referring you to my clients on a daily basis dealing with similar situations and people.
I was on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse when I told my ex-husband that he had hurt me about some things he had said to me. I was stunned by his narcissistic rage. I felt like my mind split into three segments. I think my mind did split into three segments.
You don't stop to amaze me about how you repeat my life to me....
My mother often called me calmly to say hey I need to talk to you and then it will end up her berating me non-stop for 30 minutes or so. I was not allowed to be angry, sad or discontent.
Exactly the same my mother does to me! I’m sorry you have to go through the same! ❤️🩹
No one should have to FAKE their feelings to be safe in a relationship. When faking becomes the norm because it's the only way to protect yourself, then it's time to get out. It's not a relationship. It's a battleground. Against the Narc and against yourself. Peace, strength ang growth to all. ❤
The narc doesn't care about your emotions, period.
The narc husband buried HIMSELF under blankets after I expressed grief sadness.
Every single time.
Within the span of the marriage both my parents died and 2 doggos.
He hid under blankets rather than talk about grief.
It was disturbing, and an awakening awareness...this man cannot accept, nor experience emotions, period.
(Edit)
Exactly like Dr Ramani stated... 6:02 no one is allowed to have emotion, unless the narc needs the supply.
Some of these people are way out there and you don’t know what started it before you got there
you may be dealing with spectral problems...look into autism.
I just had a hard breakup. It's been really difficult since my five-year relationship ended a few months ago. My former partner is still very much in my heart, and I can't seem to stop thinking about him. Nothing has worked to get him back, and at this point, it seems impossible to be with anyone else. I know it may seem strange to admit this, but I miss him terribly and think about him constantly.
I completely understand the pain of letting go of someone you love. I went through a similar experience when my 10 year relationship ended. I couldn't imagine my life without him, so I tried everything to rekindle our love. I eventually found guidance from a spiritual counselor, and their support helped me bring him back into my life if you're open to it, seeking help from a spiritual counselor might make a difference.
How did you find your spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with them?
His name is Father Obah Eze and he's an incredible spiritual counselor known for helping restore relationships.
He can assist you; he is Father Obah Eze, and he possesses immense powers.
I simply used your useful information to look him up online. Amazing
I looked up Father Obah Eze online, and he seems like a sincere person. Again, thank you ❤
Being told not to say nothing and then getting cussed because nothing changes
The narc in my life isn’t this nice. Apt hunting now. I’m tired and it’s time to rest and have peace ☮️
Runnnnnn!! Sending you good vibes!! You CAN DO IT!!
Get out and enjoy the peace…. You deserve it!
I'm in the exact same boat. Moving's gonna suck but not as much as living with them did
When I told my narc sister that I felt hurt after something she did, she told me, "I don't like to be judged."
"stop crying, you're not sad you're trying to manipulate me"
-my dad
i was told by my narc mom that her father would say, after abusing them, "stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about!" my dad never said anything like that about his parents.
Dr. Ramani, thank you for these videos they help me so much!!!
You’re not aloud to get angry either !! I got accused of crying to manipulate him it was one of the most horrible things he ever said to me . After said the most horrible lies about me . This was before I knew he was a narcissist. He also loves when he hurts me he gets excited he doesn’t even try to hide it it makes me sick 🤢
Because feeling hurt makes their SHAME SALIENT
This is exactly what happens to me, but only when I visibly show emotion. Mostly, I just say OK and have a blank look on my face. But a few times a year I defend myself and or call the narcissist out on his part in the whatever crap he is unloading on me. It hurts for days after the verbal pummeling. However, after 10 minutes after the incident HE is talking to me, happily, about some nonsense or unimportant thing like no incident ever happened.
The same for me. In my situation the verbal abuse ramps up to a dehumanizing level when I get sick and am unable to provide the usual “ services”. What was screamed at me while recovering from surgery I’ll never forget. After many, many years of dedication this conduct has destroyed our marriage.
Never takes responsibility but claims I’m making things up!
He doesn’t have a wife but only a service provider cause my conscience won’t let me leave.
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well .
I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
Personally, I never can tell what works. I’ve been so worried about decisions I made only to find in the future everything would go fine.
"I'm just more comfortable with conflict than you are"...just ugh 🙄
Yes, yelled at and I ended up crying, was told by my abusive son. “ stop turning the water works on!
As a mother of him, I was deeply upset and hurt.
Oh gosh. Ptsd flashbacks. "Can we talk??"..."You dont emotionally support me. You're never there when I need you. You're not a partner. We're not even friends. I've never felt so alone in a relationship"...this after we've been doing well. Date nights. Dinners. Laughing. Intimacy going well. I tell her its all seemed so good lately "I've been faking it. I can't be myself. And the fact that you don't notice shows a lot".
Literally every argument was about what I was doing wrong. So emotionally painful. Yet I miss this person.
I LOVE these videos. They remind me over and over again why I am so done with dealing with this kind of childish, relationship drama. Have experienced it and won't put myself through it agan. It's important to take time to really get to know a potential partner, seeing them in all kinds of situations, before deciding to get closer and really let them into your life.
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well .
I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
Thank you Dr Ramani for empowering me! I am 62 and finally feel like I am worth a damn.❤
I am, I feel...I am valid!
My narc mom will rant and yell and be nasty and when you finally would snap she would get all calm and say "look how crazy you're being right now." Then smirk. Fortunately I moved out and I've never been happier.
My mother does the exact same thing.
Same. I went no contact with her.
What a witch
My brother does the same
Same. She would make me cry and be hysterical as a teen and then smile and walk away.
There's this woman who claims that she has a demon in her .She targeted me of my loniless and exploits me for money and manipulative. When I don't give her money she gossips me bad and says I mentally ill and my home is unorganised. Why she comes and knocks my door?
My alcoholic narc husband (that I escaped and now live apart from) told me that "nobody would recognize you now" and would call me "thunder thighs" and other names to rip me down. Whenever I showed feelings he would totally emotionally and/or physically abandon me. A truly evil man. One day I dream of being free completely of him.
All the crazy echoes of narcissism circulating in my mind. It’s sick! It’s just plain NUTS! I am so sick of this emotional manipulation ! narc best just stay away from me. Today I’m going to be silent an emotionally free from your bs today!! You are not my problem!
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well .
I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
Yes. With Mother? On a frequent basis. The only permitted emotion during her screaming fits was absolute fear. Anything else only made it worse, especially any kind of defense.
My son's ex narcissist was irrate when after she left him, their little ones reported to her that their father was sad and often tearful over their separation. She chastised him about manipulating the children to take his side over hers. Apparently, he was not entitled to show any emotion around the children😢💔
My sister did a variation of this. No matter how badly she treated us, she expected us to be there for her because "your family is always supposed to be there for you"
I am here trying to figure out how to deal with my sister as well!! And similar to yours, she’s very absent, until she needs/wants something then no matter what you can’t do enough for her. You never have. You ruined her whole life.
That’s the fuel for generations of abuse. We didn’t start the fire!
Omg same here as well I jist had to file a restraining order against her for threatening my kids but then told me it was my fault and guilt me as ruining family. Like what?
@ well if you wouldn’t have done whatever it is you did that made her act that way it wouldn’t have happened!! See all your fault!! You should really call her and apologize. Poor poor her.
@@badbaer4564 Of course I will! NOT : )
My husband has two emotions anger and rage. When i try to talk to him about watching half naked women on youtube he says im not watching the video for them but the other stuff. And then he says im just not good at this life stuff youd be better off without me. And we have these circle conversations that never go anywhere. Then i said I dont understand why you hide money, he says im gonna die one day, and who is gonna pay for it. That was his third reason why he hides money, the first was so he can retire, the second was to buy whatever i want and when you bring that up, he says I never said that, i dont know where you come up with this stuff. It is physically, emotionally exhausting!
Narcissists blame others for stuff they never did.
Again, as in nany cases, the title alone is enough for me. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for another accurate validation for what I had to face from what is called 'my family', for nearly 60 years; being punished for being brutally hurt BY THEM. The enabling of the community is the hardest thing to take.
Thank you for validating us.
A narcissists will watch your eyes well up with tears of despair that they caused with joy and only feel sorry for themselves. After wiping away your tears, you have to wipe away the narcissist who created them.
Passive aggressiveness at its finest. A “Spock” response back is best, but they know we weren’t trained that way. 🫤
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well .
I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
@youngblood8540 my mother used to get annoyed when I cried.. no compassion at all. They're demonic.
11 years free from one of these nightmare relationships. 11 years !!!!!!
Ive been in it for 11 years
Your lucky you did it.you are free.i hope some day i gather up the strength to get me out of here
Im not happy and so unfulfilled. I never get my emotional needs met ever here
My ex would scream harder at me when I started crying. That was the weirdest thing, ever. So thankful I have been free the past 6 years.
i know it’s like we aren’t in the military dude
''If you show emotion, prepare to be shamed, humiliated and told that you're selfish. Good-luck and good-night!'' @12:01 Lolollol :-)
And/or that "you shouldn't feel hurt". 🤢😵💫
Crying or showing hurt or pain in front of the Sick Narc only feeds their insanity, is never an option, never!
Control is their Sick Addiction, Dependency, & Entertainment!
"I should be the one crying!"
"FOLKS THERE'S NO FIX HERE"
Wise words dear Doc!
Good to know you're still helping so many 💐💖
They are very good at reading emotions . They see the right emotion and that ques a surprise attack . That is why its often so pathetic an excuse for an argument that you are like really, you have rambled for 20 minutes about a ring of coffee on the table that took 3 seconds to wipe .It is nothing to with the coffee it was that they seen you looking at peace so knew they can max fuel by disturbing it .
They don't actually consider it when others insult them, and then they assume everyone else is like them. Their shallow thinking and inability to mentalize really feeds into this dynamic. When they are willing to express upset or hurt feelings, *it is a show.* They assume that when anyone else is upset, that they are *also simply putting on a show* to get what they want. So they punish you, how dare you attempt to emotionally blackmail and control me! It becomes a power issue. They associate the victim role with sanctioned additional boundary crossings. If they were to validate your hurt, they believe the next step would naturally be for you to punish them. They don't understand that we just want reassurance or to know that we are loved, it is ALL about them. 🤦🏻♀️
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well .
I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
you are describing my mom. to a T. so hurtful. and damned straight...i cannot have a feeling. i was told because of "support of 'minorities', the locals hate me and my family and they don't want our business", after random meals for 2 years at their establishment. shared this with mom. she laughed at my pain and told me 'that's probably the nicest compliment you could've had'. i immediately realized, so typical of how my emotions were shut down my whole life. wow.
Yup, this is how it is. After I told her we were done she twice looked at me and said I bet your relieved - I said no, I'm sad. ANyway, Gray Rock!
This is such a lightbulb moment for me... My entire life my mother would scream at me and call me names and do horrendously intentionally cruel things to me, and then start mocking me and making fun of me when I cried. She would say I was "fake crying again" and then the rage and screaming would get even worse than the original fight she picked because now somehow the "victim" of my "fake" behavior. Then 30 minutes later she'd be over it and acting like nothing happened and that I was "being a baby" for still being upset about it. Then usually in the next day or two she would buy me a present to "make it up to me" and then the cycle repeated ad nauseum for 30 years until I finally cut contact last year.
This video just made me realize it was because my emotions triggered more shame in her herself, and she couldn't handle that shame so instead that means my emotions must be "fake" and I'm having them "for the sole purpose of hurting her feelings."
Narcissist brains are fuckin' WILD, man.
They are very cruel
I have learned to just distance myself from my sister for my own mental health. Please do a segment on sibling relationships.
I just told my bro I lost 15 lbs. I'm underweight & it's from illness...can't eat... He had a big grin. A couple of months ago I was doubled over in pain. He didn't know I saw him but another huge smirk. I'm 65
OMG, 8 minutes in and you have me so grateful for my therapist! Spot on. I was married to a Dark Triad and our adult children are finally coming out of his grip. I’m overly experienced with this game, but survival is the best vengeance. Stay strong by loving Yourself first ❤️
This has to be the best condensed version of narcissistic behavior I’ve seen
i've been made to feel guilty for loving myself. all.my.life. mom was thought of first (all i do for you), and dad was constantly made fun of...he was the target every damned day. in retrospect, i recognize his sadness and his just settling for what he had, because he loved us kids. unconditionally. he wasn't allowed to give us hugs. so he hugged and held his grandkids...and they loved him so hard. mom didn't know how to love us. still doesn't. dad set us all up for success and mom tore us down. when i made the deans list, mom said, 'you must be studying basketweaving 101'. i was to take NO PRIDE from my hard work trying to be a vet tech...the closest i could get to what i'd always wanted to be. and so it continues. i'm stuck. i know what it is, i've set boundaries, and i'm not taking her verbal abuse anymore. she's told me, "you aren't going to win..." okay. now i know what i'm dealing with. she's over 90 and we're supposed to feel sorry for her...nope. she doesn't see the blessing. you might know of her...but i won't say. i've got a living space that i want to hold onto until i can't.
This was a good video. Have you covered systemic abuse with narcissistic tactics on a larger scale? I'm already stuck in a narcissistically abusive situation with both parents. In four vulnerable groups, no real resources left that I haven't already tried. Isolated and each time I went for help I lost people I knew. And it's to the point I broke down crying and cried out 'I need help!" to each of my doctors. So many now are immediately going to suffer under this new regime. I spent 36 years dealing with this and living in it trying to safely escape while my body got broken. I love your vids and a bunch of other professionals who talk about abuse...we just really need more coverage about it at a larger scale now too. Everything that's happening is going to make victims/ survivors/ and the abusers themselves are going to get crushed by more pressure and less resources to even survive.
My ex called me a manipulative, narcissist, selfish, coward while having extreme angry outbursts, demanding my emotional support at all times, being incapable of regulating emotionally, using other people out of boredom and then discarding them when they're no longer serving her, withholding physical and sexual intimacy but throughout our entire relationship I've handled it with so much logic and reasoning and my lack of reaction always threw her off and made her angry she was in fact always accusing me of not being emotional and not having the appropriate reactions until by the very end when it got worst and she was trying to discard me, i walked away willingly and closed the door by myself, my mom is the main narcissist in my life she thought me well.
Your episodes really help because these people actually say these things word for word.and it is almost funny that they do not have actual stuff to say that has meaning and substance. Someone on one of these platforms once mentioned a Narc Bingo Card - mentally playing bingo with their attacks remarks accusations tactics. Cultivating a P-p-p-poker Face is hard though. After three decades, i do wanna laugh sometimes. Makes no difference whether 7:35 I laugh cry scream shout sing nursery rhymes or the National anthems of various nations, or say nothing. Saying nothing makes him more mad. Wearing headpjones works for me but then the viciousness ramps up and well, the kids get to hear it. As Dr Les Carter says, best not to go to their bad level of treating people and feeljng vengeful; i am kind of there, in that ugly place of my.worst self. I still feel sorry for him, but schadenfreude is more predominant. And I will.pay for his.funeral but am unlikely to attend.
This may help you. It's called EFT, if you do not know what this is, watch a couple of videos first.
Sample Tapping Script:
Round 1: Acknowledging Negative Feelings
Karate Chop: "Even though I feel hurt and excluded by my family, I deeply and completely accept myself."
EB: "I feel hurt by how my family treats me."
SE: "They don’t understand my pain."
UE: "It feels unfair and exhausting."
UN: "I feel like I can’t win with them."
CH: "This stress is weighing on me."
CB: "It hurts my heart and my body."
UA: "I feel so angry and sad about it."
TH: "This frustration feels stuck inside me."
Round 2: Releasing the Emotion
Karate Chop: "Even though I feel this pain, I’m open to letting it go."
EB: "I don’t need to carry this pain forever."
SE: "I can release it, bit by bit."
UE: "This stress doesn’t serve me."
UN: "It’s safe to let go of some of this hurt."
CH: "I deserve to feel calm and at peace."
CB: "I’m releasing this pain now."
UA: "I am open to healing."
TH: "I choose to feel lighter and calmer."
Round 3: Positive Reframing
Karate Chop: "Even though this situation is hard, I’m choosing peace for myself."
EB: "I am stronger than this pain."
SE: "I deserve love and understanding."
UE: "I choose to focus on my own well-being."
UN: "I can create peace within me."
CH: "I am letting go of the anger."
CB: "I am open to feeling calm and strong."
UA: "I can find joy and peace within myself."
TH: "I am healing, one step at a time."
Tips for Personalizing It:
Be specific: Use words that describe your unique feelings and experiences.
Focus on one aspect at a time: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, start with the most pressing emotion.
Repeat as needed: EFT works best with consistency. Do it daily or whenever strong emotions arise.
Anybody remember the childhood classic "I'll give you something to cry about"?...
Yup
This is my story. Having been suffering for 30+ years, now I am numb for anything and everything. No need to waste my energy to hide emotions.
I just stay away from people who don’t understand how I grew up with my narcissistic parent. They only listen to the narcissist when it’s about me and I get shamed for keeping to myself or not engaging with anyone who listens to them.
It’s been peaceful 😌
Enough is Enough!
The hardest part of this for me, after getting some distance from most of the narcissistic folks is the struggle with having to say something similar, and reminding myself it's not the same. They shout, demean, and belittle and I have normal utilitarian feelings about it, for which I'm then shamed and condemned. But if every time, without fail, that I decide to calmly and kindly confront them or just stand up to the lies or gaslighting (because I have to-work, etc) their irrational emotion takes over the convo and they darvo twist it to be about how awful I'm being and how much of a saintly victim they are. So, it's difficult learning to stand firm and redirect and say things like, I understand you feel that way and we can talk about that later, however I'm trying to resolve this issue with your behavior (unreliable, not following contract, lying, cheating, breach of privacy, etc) because I don't want to be like this very thing you expertly addressed in this video that continues to harm me so much.
"Quit crying, or I'll *really* give you something to cry about." -- heard this many times as a child.
@@stephenswanson533 my husband always and still does make it like everything that's negative that has happened is my fault. It's hard for me to ignore everything he says to me. What gets me is when I disagree with the things he says about others or situations and voice my opinion, he acts like I did an injustice to him and asks why I'm always against him, but shouldn't be because he's my husband. I tell him that I'm my own person finally and no one will ever tell me how or what to think, how to feel, what to believe in anymore except Me, Myself, and I. That's it. He hates that.
Me too. Gag!
Wow! This hits home!
I so relate to this.
I had the worst December of my entire life, as I saw all of this play out on steroids... just because i insisred that a family member have their eyes tested by an Optometrist, because they could barely see when driving and were such a danger when driving.. The punishments and revenge and smear campaigns were off the charts. Thankfully another family member was visiting and saw and heard everything. I was so vindicated and now the decent family members want nothing to do with the 2 toxic people who viciously attacked me. I'm so grateful that the Truth has prevailed about these 2 people. And that the decent family members want nothing to do with them. That comforts me.
Simple meanness means run for your life & never look back or apologize because this is the first test of your boundaries… there are many more to come before you’re destroyed, so don’t stick around after any sign of disrespect. I wish women wouldn’t ignore misogyny & we all lived our own best lives!
This is true. I'm a recovering narcissist and I can attest to this being 100% accurate. It's a constant battle in my head to keep myself proactive about getting my emotions out productively and using tools on my tool belt to redirect these emotions towards activities instead of towards people. I still make mistakes but as good or bad luck would have it my partner is a covert narcissist and isn't in recovery. I see his mistakes and feel how he makes me feel and realize how I have made others feel. Taste of my own medicine. Being older than him and in recovery for 30 years I tell him I'm a bit more practiced and careful. It's an everyday struggle to remember to redirect my frustrations towards healthy release.
YESSSSS it’s like a car driving away and the victim is stuck standing there dealing with all the exhaust.
So Brilliant. This unpacking is so VALIDATING. You're not selfish for having normal, human reactions.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You have helped me to understand so much. May your life be filled with with goodness and joy!
Thank you! I’m still working on radical acceptance, but it gets easier every day. Kicking people when they’re down is what I’ve seen so often. It’s like they know they got you sad or upset or whatever and then kick you down even more for feeling that way. I also feel like I’ve learned bad behaviors from people I have zero interest in in being like. I try to remind myself that feeling attacked is ok when it’s happening despite what they say. I just wish I could always go grey rock. Have a great day!
This is gonna be good. I’ve always wondered about this!!!
I think mentally and emotionally im on my way to where i should be thriving. I experienced,I survived...so i should be thriving....the only problem is i picked up an addiction I fell into while trying to survive. I think thats an aspect that changes the evolution of healing from a narcissistic relationship. I dont know how to navigate both of these things now. Im financially dependent on this person now for more then housing/food. This makes it so much harder to deal with.
I was always told that “your tears bring me joy”.
It's awful & difficult being with a narcissist bc you can't go to them when you're in pain; they will not be empathetic they will be critical about your emotions. As if you can't have your own emotions about situations that have nothing to do with them.
They also use it against you
@kathysanborn4595 No they don't because I learned not to show how I feel.
I think when someone has a reaction such as anger or sadness to the Narcs bs and attacks, the Narc may feel shame and on coming rage and entitlement. they dont want to be held responsible for sht.
Life is a “Movie” to them. Its like they think “you cant feel unless I say so and its what emotion I think is appropriate”.
@@pinkmeadowsyep they always think they know exactly what you think and what you're allowed to feel. Narc mom: what's wrong? Me: *says what's wrong.*
Narc mom: no, that isn't it. Um...what??
The worst is when they’re angry with you for being unwell, even if it’s out of your control and they have no sympathy even if your bedridden at a hospital.
@@ValleyMimosa sooo very true
My adult sister slapped me across the face on my 50th my birthday because I didn’t look happy enough for her. Even though I was being treated (hospitalized ) for depression & trying to put on a “good” face. Going through much, much worse with her now though.
And they actually make you unwell because the amount of stress that narcissistic abuse victims suffer causes physical ailment. The cortisol alone can be debilitating. The stress affects your immune system and you get sick more easily and get better more slowly.
I went NC a year ago and still have anxiety attacks here and there, but I have noticed I am rarely ill now.
I had a really close friend who was narcissistic (we had known each other since childhood so the loyalty was deep). I expressed concern about the guy she was seeing who was not treating her well (admittedly I was more blunt about my views on him than I should have been). She started yelling at me immediately and I started crying and said that she was really hurting my feelings, and she proceeded to yell, “oh really? I hurt YOUR feelings? I hurt YOUR feelings?” And that was the end of the conversation. There was only room for one person in our friendship to have feelings, and that was her.
Survivors: it's YOUR. LIFE. WHICH. YOU. DESERVE.
Don't let any brainiac tell you that you don't deserve a great life. They can argue till the cows come home that nobody owes you anything. And so the idea of deserving a great life is not true. But with that thinking you never get away from the Still Small Voice that says you don't deserve a great life. You deserve it because you ARE. That's it that's all!
The reasoning is circular: you deserve it because you deserve it because you deserve it etc ♥️
Yes.. when I was a child i would get spanked for crying . To now, the person I’m with, I get yelled at if I get upset, OR…… I get the dead silence and glaring sick stare as if the person gets off on my anguish .
Yes. What you say is so true. I don't cry anymore. Been with my husband over 50 yrs. I used to cry everyday after we got married. I experience this all the time, but it's hard not to respond. It's my husband's way of controlling me when I'm calm or before we go anywhere. He starts those scenarios so that he can tell people... "be careful she's in a bad mood" and then he acts like nothing happened. It makes him look like he's the good guy .
yeah...i cried for the first 18 months of my marriage. thought it was because i was in a different country. they called it culture shock. the dr. that saw me the first time i went in told my husband, "there ought to be a smile on this woman's face! that's your responsibility!" i didn't ever get to see him again. i got black circles under my eyes...and then i got sertraline Rx and turned my life around. felt able to cope.
@sunnisarah good for you.
My mother
He used to tell me that my tears were an act of agression. After all the most hurtful things he told me! Oh my God... 😢😢
I heard that whenever I expressed an emotion I was told that I was just trying to "manipulate" him. I was not allowed to have genuine emotion that he could respond to.
Yep because for these people, relationships are war. So he assumes that you are weaponizing your tears. They literally cannot see or understand any other way of being
It’s so hard trying to live with a narc husband. Especially after having come from a dysfunctional childhood. Narc mother and absentee father. Dr. Ramani, you have brought me out of the fog and the sham of a life that I was living in. All these difficult emotions began to make sense after watching your videos. It gave me reassurance that my voice is also important and needs to be heard. 😢
@@KC-wn2uo yes. Dr.Ramani helped me see the light. It's not me. It never was or is.
I was just wondering about this question myself. I recently had in my life someone who would lash out whenever I showed any vulnerability - a "kick them when they're down" mentality - and the emotional damage it caused was just horrid. I did not understand it, though, which made it so much worse. I didn't understand, couldn't relate to it and therefore couldn't figure out how to stop it happening. Thank you for explaining.
Just happened a few days ago. Your timing is impeccable. I was trying to keep a hurtful interaction to myself, because I knew I would be shamed if I shared. I finally blurted out what was wrong, against my better judgement. He proceeded to shame, blame and yell at me for expressing myself, and enabling the bad behavior of the person who had used the same tactics on me a couple days prior. A walk through hell. Pure exhaustion. Working on getting out. Once again, Thanks for your help. You are truly a blessing 😊
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well .
I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
OMG, my narc mother would always blame me for anything that happened with another person. If I was being bullied in school or had a fall out with a friend and I told her, her immediate response was to blame shift and ask me what did I do to bring it on to myself. It got to the point that I started thinking I was an anti-social mess. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized I could not go to her for empathy and started keeping everything to myself.
They are cruel at the end when they don’t need to be , which comes back to bite them on the arse
YES!! this EXACT thing happened to me a couple of days ago,🤯😒 meanwhile I have been separated, survived & thrived past the narc YEARS ago... suddenly he calls me out of the blue ( didnt recognise his number on my phone) & starts a well known old tirade about how I didnt give my kids unconditional love, meanwhile he has almost deleted their lives drunk driving & ruined their finances ,which I managed to salvage...I mean..🤯🤔 these creatures NEVER stop or give up...I was able to remember my therapy & online notes ,to ignore him & ridicule his attempts at contact & all went well...but I'm like daym these creatures never give up🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🙄😒
Clear, concise, perfect description of an experience I went through thousands of times with my narcissistic father. Thank you for your significant contributions to the psychological wellness of narcissistic victims!
Yes. The last time I cried in front of my husband, he said, "Oh whah-whah! Quit your cying! You're only trying to get me to get me to feel sorry for you!" Or when I show any anger when he is abusing me without yelling and cursing (he usually does yell and curse), then I hear, "Look, you're the one who's angry. Im not angry." When I show emotion, he would say how he had to walk on eggshells around me as though showing them was wrong. I also relate to him going into a rage and then acting like nothing happened. This happened constantly. I would find him down there playing online video games while laughing and talking to his friends like nothing happened. Then if I tried to talk to him about the abuse, i would hear thing like "Oh God!, What now!, Why cant you just get over it, my friends and I bullsh*t with each other all the time and we don't talk about it after!. The list goes on. Meanwhile, I often left the house to get away from him while I cried in the car. I no longer feel like i can be vulnerable around him. Instead, i have become so angry. But now I've learned that i can't even show that because half the time now, he picks fights with me just to get that reaction out of me. It's exhausting. He does whatever makes him feel in control.
When I got tears, the narcissistic parent would tell me, "Oh, what a little ACTRESS!" (Ironic, huh?)
So true! My mother always said I was "such a drama queen!" 🙄
Thank you for your comment and I would really like to get your opinion about something. Question/Scenario: My friend and I were on a friendship break that she initiated and which we mutually agreed upon and discussed over the phone. In this scenario, my former friend became involved in trying to help me change covertly via UA-camrs while pretending that this was the same as them going no contact. Was it okay for me to try to end the friendship by email especially since they did not reach out to call me? My feeling is that ending the friendship via email is fine especially if there was no ghosting and since the UA-cam intervention involved insults as well .
I am asking because this modern take on the topic of narcississm is widely accepted now and appears to resonate with so many. For me, the word toxic is sufficient to describe mean behaviors and patterns. I also have a different take on Psychology altogether and agree with mental health professionals that have alternative views about the field and people in general. An answer to this question would help me to better understand how to avoid hurting others who do resonate with Dr. Ramani's advice.
...or when a narcissistic parent gets done berating or spanking a child (in public), the child starts crying, and the narc parent reacts by saying "Stop your crying!"
It's like the parent is ashamed that the kid is crying but is completely oblivious to the fact that maybe the child feels shame, too.
My mom would mock me and laugh at me if I started crying. She was definitely a narcissist, but I think she had something else going on as well. She would call me by the name of her younger sister, and taunt me the way a 7-year-old would taunt a 5-year-old, sometimes threatening to "tell Daddy" if I did something wrong.
Just get them out of your life. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with this anymore.
That explains why my father often exiled me to my room for showing an emotional response to anything involving him; most often tears were present, which apparently he couldn't stand. So he would threaten to hurt me if I kept crying and then send me to my room. I never learned how to identify what I was feeling or why, only that tears were bad and punishable by alienation.
A narc will watch you sob your heart out with a straight face. True story.
Yes! You become more and more compliant, losing all self-protection. Not because you are trying to preserve the relationship as is so often said (and maybe true in some cases) but because to do otherwise always makes it worse. This is why it's so hard to get out. Freezing and fawning are the only behaviors that keep you safe and minimize the abuse. You are trapped.
Mine would 'stop by' home with a blatant lie that somebody told him I did something, knowing nobody had said anything, just to start an argument so he could leave again because I was being a baby by crying.
He just sent me a message begging me to come home. He said he bought us a new house. He just neglected to mention the other woman he has living there with him.
This one is tricky because I know a lot of people who use emotional reactions in order to manipulate other people. Narcissists can't be played like that. They perceive other people's emotional responses as a game the other person is playing because they play these games too. They won't coddle someone who is using emotional responses to get their way. My point is, many people won't comfort you while you're crying because they feel like they're being manipulated. If someone is being distant while you're crying, it might be because you're using your emotions to get what you want and the person backing away isn't necessarily a narcissist, they just aren't falling for the act.
After losing it and then becoming a bit hysterically frustrated, he said , oh, do you think I like seeing you like this. Very frustrating.
My narc husband….i already wrote a comment and I can’t find it. I really don’t want to enter the same comment again but in a nutshell he builds and escalates a comment until I results in a huge fight and tell me it’s about me. It’s always about me. He does so much for me… and that’s pretty much the end of the interaction. I can’t afford to leave as I can’t afford the costs. Staying is better than living under a bridge.
Oh ya. Mandatory conversations that goes in circles, with no solutions. Eventually i refused to participate. “We gotta talk”. “No we don’t”