Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
I totally agree. Narcissists also need you to believe their words and forget and forgive their actions. Once you treat them as they are, they erupt and become defensive towards you.
Narcism, the infants constructive survival tool that the evolving child never grows out of, eventually becoming, the "tail that wags the dog" of the adults means to existance.
Give enough back? Do you not make sure your needs are met? So the difference between you and a narcissist is you give back the acceptable and correct amount and they don’t? Amount of what?
Keep a journal with dates. This helped me recently with a betrayal. I was gaslighting myself, until I looked at my notes and saw the amber then red flags. I accepted it in non resistance and collected my things and walked away. Do not engage if you feel, butterflies or nervousness, that is your truth speaking to you. Love shouldn’t make you uncomfortable. Business should not make you sick.
People who haven't experienced narcisstic abuse and being targeted in all sorts of manipulative ways, have no real idea what a toxic and relentlessly bullying situation it is. And also, some people just don't feel comfortable at all around other people so body language is not definitive.There are many motivations and reasons for someone being socially awkward.
Exactly. The term, used accurately, describes something , actually, life-threatening. Mine was threatened for over 20yrs. But I didn’t see it. Just was in a negative, manipulated state. Used as a description of an unpleasant personality is not even in the ballpark of such a struggle against becoming a complete, realized human rather than a damaged person in a body-suit. It’s about survival. It is a challenge to be the target. If u survive, you’re stronger. And they are talking about criminal minds. Even more challenging.
The toxicity of a malignant narcissistic boss can last for years. It made me incredibly hypersensitive to any possibility of narcissistic behavior. I am struggling in a different job now, on top of figuring out that I have ADHD. My boss now treats me inappropriately, and I don't know what to do because HR has his back(which is usually the case). For the first time in 30 years I may not have a job, which causes me anxiety. I do my job well. The stores I deliver to appreciate my hard work. None of that matters to the boss.
@@selenanoll8462 However unfair to you, esp if you do your job well & have done nothing wrong: Start looking for the Exit. You can only take so much stress for so long before your body & mind run out. Rebuilding yourself once you are pushed FAR beyond your limits is incredibly difficult. Your boss will not help you in the least, even if he caused it. On the contrary, once he feels you are weak / no longer able to defend yourself or push back, he will have no qualms to work out even more on his aggression on you. That is how narcs operate This isnt about Fairness, its about Self preservation. I am sorry you have to go through this. Please take care of yourself*
Quite the contrary, it HASNT been fully understood and most people STILL don’t know there 7 types of narcs and 3 different levels of severity which means 21 different identities you could meet up against. And each has different unique red flags. So no, it’s not well understood, by at least it’s well into the people’s conscious awareness now. Dr Ramani on UA-cam is considered one of the world’s top experts on the various faces and forms of narcissism.
It’s always been present and in the DSM-5, but his point is that the term is overused now. Many people say it for anyone they don’t like and disagrees with them.
I agreee!!! The word gets thrown around way too much... but for the folks that are actually educated in this area and that are INDEED experiencing a partner that meets 9 out of the 9 DSM criteria your content has really helped me. I believe a covert narc is one of the most dangerous kinds to be...
A label is not required to recognize abusive behaviors. Once you notice there are unhealthy patterns and the other person is not willing or able to do their side of working on healing the relationship for both of you, it is time to make your plans to get out! Self preservation becomes the only path to wellness and wellbeing.
I have to deal with this type of person at work and it takes a huge toll. I cannot fathom willingly getting into a relationship with that sort of behavior and communications. Life is too short. Your sanity is worth more.
They're all extremely emotionally stunned... I ALWAYS, ALWAYS say "I see things differently" "We're all entitled to our own opinions" "The way I see it is" ALWAYS!!!!!
12:12 pure gold! “At all times I want to be positive, confident, and settled. You have to think in your mind the values you want to portray and stand by.” Shaken, but not stirred. Words to live by whether in a deposition or grocery store line.
I am willing to bet that there aren't a whole lot of actually diagnosed narcissists. They are not the most self-reflective people and getting them to tell the truth about themselves is not a regular occurrence. 😮 I am willing to call someone toxic or to say they have a lot in common with a narcissist if it bothers people that narcissists don't often come with papers from a psychological exam. 😂
@@cc1k435 I think you are right. I bet there is much more undiagnosed narcissists because a narcissist wouldn't think they are or allow themselves to be diagnosed.
I wondered about that. Do they get diagnosed? What are the odds? I was told by the professional counselor if they do seek me out, they might be using me to see and learn what empathy looks like. It could really become extra scary. Wow.
I learned about Narcissism almost 20 years ago. I tried to understand my mother and it was revealed to the T in a book called Toxic Mothers. It was then confirmed in my undergraduate studies
When they were saying that, you never hear from the woman who has the nice ex-boyfriend. The reason why you never hear from her is because they don't have problems with their ex-boyfriend who was a good guy. You're going to hear from the men and women who are dealing with the difficult, toxic personalities. When you're dealing with kind people, even when you're breaking up, it's doable. When you're dealing with a highly toxic personality, it is not doable. They need the help.
Not true; or maybe becauseI'mfrom a differentgeneration(and country). My ex-husband is my "ex" for a reason. Is he a narcissist? Not more than anyone else. Was he controlling? At the time we were married, absolutely. He had a drinking problem and he cheated on me when I was expecting our now 28 year old daughter. Was he a narcissist, I repeat ? Nope. He was immature - and so was I. Fast forward 30 yrs. We're not "besties" but we definitely do not hate each other. He even says that he regrets that he wasn't mature and responsible enough to have made it work. He's a minor police chief in Brussels and in his early 60s, still single. I'm working for the EU, in a good, loving 2nd marriage since 2008. Mature adults don't need to disqualify or discredit former partners. That said, I'm currently in a situation at work whereby I'm subjecting to bullying by, who I genuinely think is a covert narcissist. I'm at the point of leaving this job. Not easy at 55 but I can do it.
@@Canuckbelgo Controlling behaviour, a drinking problem and (as entitled to be) cheating? Especially since in combination, these tendencies could well be indicative of someone with serious narcissistic tendencies, and not merely signs of being immature; that is unless there really - over years - had been a definite improvement in their behaviour. However, not as easy to know if this is the case; unless one is really in close relationship to them. Typically they would be masking well who they really are. Can understand though, how one would rather choose to be in denial, by believing the best of someone whose the parent of one's child... How is his relationship with her?
“Where there is room for kindness I will use it.” 🤯 This is so hard to remember when people are actively trying to get a reaction out of you. A very inspiring mantra to have!
Narcissist is an actual psychiatric diagnosis. I’m not a psychiatrist, so I’m not qualified to apply that label. What I can do is identify narcissistic BEHAVIORS and learn some skills to address them. Thank you for your content. I have learned so many useful tools.
we are talking about narcissism a lot more recently because this is the first time it’s actually being studied more in depth. A lot of us that date narcissistic people grew up with a narcissistic parent and something in us is drawn to them because of that. maybe some people are overusing the term, but i also think some people are narcissist magnets (like me). and that’s not to say every guy i’ve dated was a narcissist, there are only three people throughout my life that i genuinely think are narcissistic.
Top advice from our self composed and unflustered lawyer: You maintain that balance (your reality vs another's accusations) by understanding who you are and loving who you are-"I'm ok if you misunderstand me. I'm okay..." And, stay still and not be routed all over the place by a gaslighter, responding calmly and succinctly, "I remember things differently", even a few times just to stand your ground- "You have control over you!" The goal is to achieve this unflustered frame in our emotions and our words (internally and externally), adequately demonstrated in this interview. For those caught in toxicity and longterm abuse, self heal needs to happen first. Take care...
It was a real word, everyone has over used it. My husband has been in therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder for years now and I can’t tell you how absolutely debilitating it is
@@MrGizmoalchemist don’t feel bad. It took me 50 and the last 20 have been recovering /living an actual life/ examining my role in the co-dependent relationship. Perfect break away time for your growth. Wishing u the Best of results finding happiness. It is there.
My wife does all of this. We're separated now but I was never entitled to the interpretation of my own life events. I was never entitled to my own feelings. I was always wrong and I could never do anything right. Everything was constantly my fault. Even when I was extremely kind and tried to understand her, all she ever cared about was what she wanted. Constantly undermined me and emasculated me. Always made excuses for her behavior and blamed her actions on me. She told me that she would only change if I changed first. Total manipulation and molding me into what she wanted me to be. Never took responsibility ro anything she ever did. And she used countless outside people to triangulate against me and they all took her side. Pastors, counselors, etc. None of them listened to me or heard my experiences. Even they blamed me for her behavior. I was constantly accused of making things up and just wallowing in my feelings. She even used my son as a weapon against me. I developed so many physical symptoms as a result. The psychological harm is immense.
Thank you for addressing the issue with the overuse of the word “narcissist/narcissistic”. I follow Dr Honda who often addresses this concern and caution the viewers to not confuse true narcissism with mere selfishness. Listening to his podcasts and reading up on the clinical definitions and diagnostic methods for narcissistic personality disorder from various sources have helped me a lot to understand what it is, and is not. I’m surprised how the incorrect use and misunderstanding/misinterpretation of the word, is still rarely addressed on social media.
I think that people who are calling their ex a narcissist are those who have been or continue to be abused by that person. Many people have narcissist tendencies and many are true narcissists.
I was in the military as a senior leader and got set up for controversy by my senior boss who had operatives in my organization. One new officer reported in and had a nice in brief with me and I welcomed him to the organization and told him to take whatever time he needs to get settled and that I was happy he was here. He went to see the guy he was replacing and despite me only being there for a few months where I had been on travel for much of the time, the new officer returned to my officer and called me a narcissist and told me he was going to make sure I was fired. They all did try that 18 months later when I retired after 30 years. I was targeted by the senior boss who set up an operation (it had a name even). She wanted me to be fired for whatever reason so that I could be a scapegoat. Despite that I stayed steady and and when she ran her investigation of me no ne cold really come up with anything I had done wrong. But like she said, "I dont have to find anything n my investigation because as you leave service people will think yo got fired anyway."
Senior boss was jealous you were leaving & wanted control & power via manipulation over you & your career. Glad you were able to stand firm, got out & retire on your own terms.
The police do the same thing run investigations when they know someone is innocent as the way to harass people and make them uncomfortable and make them feel disempowered
I swear some people are just demonic and can’t stand to see integrity and decency in other people. Joyful cruelty and excitement in playing games with other peoples’ lives.
It is very beautiful if you are dealing with someone “normal” but would not with with a Narc! They get offended for every little thing. I know bc I live with one!
Thnx for being there .. there’s something really good about how you’re explaining harsh realities of confusion between 2 people.. your phrases have hit a chord .. t u
I’ve been bingeing this content and love it. The only thing I’d love for you to consider is autistic people can display very awkward mannerisms that could come off as forced or fake, especially when feeling social anxiety. I’m autistic but most people don’t know it and I get misunderstood a lot I think partially for this trying to read my nonverbal signs and getting it incorrectly. It’s not 100% of the time but enough that I wish people knew it wasn’t me trying to be someone I’m not, I’m just having a hard time translating the thoughts in my head verbally out loud.
1:53 It's extremely evident when someone has been with a narcissist... The difference in the entire relationship and the break up is devestatingly apparent where there is zero question the person is a narcissist, diagnosed or not.
The word narcissism comes from a combination of greek and latin. It was in use from the end of the nineteenth century so late 1800's and not two years ago. It can be a misused word but that excuse makes very difficult for those who have experienced and been assessed as subjected to this form of abuse. It is a very dehumanising experience and the abused person is not often believed because of the public verses private nature of this type of abuse, In the UK now the offenders can be prosecuted. Those who have not been at the receiving end of this form of abuse have no idea, none whatsoever. If a person is beaten up, bruise can be photographed, bones xrayed etc. If ones mind has been beaten up it is much more difficult for outsiders to understand. The victim often gets blamed thereby perpetuating the abuse. What the lawyers don't see or hear is the behaviour in privacy of the narc, the tone of voice used which can make a lot of difference. They only see the 'public' nice person as a rule. I have walked away , only to have them following me everywhere i went raging all the time. Walking away isn't always an option if you have other responsibilities in the home for example. You can do the quite approach and repeat may irate them so much they start a rage attack. Well, trying to rationalise with a narcissist shows to me that you do not know what this disorder is. This was an approach you suggested.
All therapy does for a TRUE narc is educate them on how to keep up their ways but making you look like the crazy person. It helps them navigate their mental disorder and come out on top. Scary. Every successful survivor of narcissistic abuse knows that they should never let the narcissist know that they know.
Saying “I remember things differently” and “I have a different approach” forced my 73yo father (8” taller & 100lbs heavier) to pin my shoulders against a wall, stick a finger in my face, and scream about how little I know. And I couldn’t help but laugh.
My ex-husband is my "ex" for a reason. Is he a narcissist? Not more than anyone else. Was he controlling? At the time we were married, absolutely. He had a drinking problem and he cheated on me when I was expecting our now 28 year old daughter. Was he a narcissist, I repeat ? Nope. He was immature - and so was I. Fast forward 30 yrs. We're not "besties" but we definitely do not hate each other. He even says that he regrets that he wasn't mature and responsible enough to have made it work. He's a minor police chief in Brussels and in his early 60s, still single. I'm working for the EU, in a good, loving 2nd marriage since 2008. Mature adults don't need to disqualify or discredit former partners. That said, I'm currently in a situation at work whereby I'm subjecting to bullying by, who I genuinely think is a covert narcissist. I'm at the point of leaving this job. Not easy at 55 but I can do it.
Very sweet and kind lawyer with good intentions. However, I would say that if you are dating a difficult person or believe the person is narcissistic just run away. I grow up with a narcissistic parent and believe me nobody wants to go through the pain does people can inflict.
We definitely had NPD in every DSM manual since 1980...not 2yrs ago😂... Also...it references Ancient Greek Mythology as a metaphor....so the "wolf in sheep's clothing," is as old as the human race...hard to accept, but poignant.. New studies in the USA said narcissistic individuals are 3 out of 5 now due to sociocultural factors and how it's rewarded by society. It's a spectrum as well, and not to be used interchangeably with simply self-centered. It's a very specific list of behaviors/disorders. I wouldn't dismiss anyone's use of the word but rather point them to a professional, every time. 🙏 Just an FYI though, def older than "2 years" more like 50 to 200yr 😂
I was reading up on NPD in 2013. At first I was relieved to see general understanding gaining traction, but now the term “narcissism” has lost its meaning. We’re back in the dark again.
Only victims and targets know and can address their individual situation appropriately. The reality is there are as many people slinging around the word narcissist, as there are those who think nothing of it.
My ex was an abusive in every sense of the word narcissist. There was zero chances of him ever being "diagnosed" with anything other than a cold. He was very good at what he did. What looked like positive forward motion and "success" from the outside was simply a mirage. I wasn't the only person on this planet who was abused after being drawn in and played like a violin. Good luck.
An easy way is to have a stick....the person speaking sharing get to share all they need, then the other hold the stick... no interrupt ions to other. It works beautifully Great way of learning to listen...you are gud.. 🇬🇧 14:25
I work in a toxic environment I am looking to find a different job but mean time I found even keeping quite or walking away is not enough . Sadly controlling my tone of voice when i say something is not easy, find it hard not to show how I agitated I am, how do we mange our emotions
Hey, I'm the one who goes through something difficult with a nice ex! I really feel bad telling him the truth. Actually I told him anything I had to say, but he still contacts me.
My ex boyfriend I believe has paranoid personality disorder, trauma from losing two wives and parents in the last 5 years, lost his job and on top of all that has a poor self image- always seemed to project all this mess onto others- wasn’t personal to me- he did that to everyone he thought he could get away with doing that to.
The word narcissist has exploded and often the wrong way. We are at an epidemic of “ME” world. I will say being a do-gooder and person of empathy, I attract these people like a magnet. I have to shut then down early on and walk away. If they have nothing to offer or return in true friendship or truth I walk and win peace.
People get hung up on narcissism. For a period that is natural and good because now all of the sudden what they've been experiencing has a name and makes sense. They need learn about the game of a narcissist and this consumes them. That's ok for a time. BUT. When it goes on too long and all the attention is focused on someone we can't change (the narcissist) and not on the one person we can change (ourselves) we're stuck. The other thing to consider is that if attracting exploitative and narcissistic people into our lives is a pattern we have to look at the common denominator (ourselves) and begin to own the problem -I said "own" not take "blame for". Understanding that codependency is what attracts narcissism should be motivation to look in the mirror and then get to work on those codependent traits so we can stop attracting the narcs. No one else can do that for us. Dwelling in victim mode focused on how the narcs in our lives damaged us only keeps us stuck.
I agree that the term narcissist is overused, but if you only grant that term as correctly applying only to the officially diagnosed, then you risk disbelieving an authentic victim. Most narcissists are not formally diagnosed because they do not see themselves as the problem. Often it is when their victim goes into therapy that the narcissist is identified. That is called diagnosis in proxy. If your family of origin had one known narcissist, you can assume that there are others along the overt/covert spectrum, along with codependents and addicts - the toxic behaviors and trauma bonds end up creating dysfunctional groups. This creates numerous betrayals for a victim and makes dealing with toxic people hard because they are so close relationally, and also have slightly different modus operandi.
narcissists are the first to paint their exes as 'toxic'. When someone I don't know well says that about an ex, it's a 'proceed with caution' flag, more info required.
Just cause they didn’t have a word to describe what was always there doesn’t take away from how many of people are narcissists in today’s age. Evil energy doesn’t lie.
And I just tried to get on the RSH Legal website and my phone redirected me to some other Lawyers firm while I though I was filling form and leaving quick thing to partners after clicking submit its some other lawyers firm????my phone is hacked and messed up and I need help.
Yeah the popularity of the word has been steadily climbing since the early/mid 2000’s (2004 and on) but hasn’t been spoken about/noticed till about 2010and on. Trying to be honest and detailed as possible. It climbed even more popular from then on. 2020 is when it became a UA-cam trending topic I think. Maybe as early as 2018. I noticed the online therapist have videos dating back to around that year. So as far as everyone labeling one another a narcissist it goes back to at least 2020.
I was married to someone for over 20 years who was a malignant covert narcissist with all the high spectrum sadistic traits...that caused me massive amounts of phycological damage before I figured it all out. Sorry others want to continue to invalidate to keep themselves on some side of moral superiority. Naricism is an epidemic and our society supports breading it. Maybe that's why people are more frequently looking for help. We are not all that stupid to easily attempt to point a finger...May actually care... and have done our full research and unfortunately have the scars to prove it. which is how we were motivated to do the research to attempt to figure it out while we were being gaslit it wasnt happening. This is life ruining stuff for both people. The diagnosis is irrelevant.
Life is short! Surprise? Once you start to argue with someone, believe it or not, a certain trust gets broken and the trusting part of the relationship is over, likely forever. In most cases the relationship is over. It could take weeks, months or years to separate especially if you are married with children, but it’s over. It’s best when no children are involved to walk away: once trust is broken it can never be repaired. Don’t waste your time trying to fix it!
Well, alcoholism and bipolar diseases cause the scab of grandiosity.. which might be all out narcissism or not. And the tests are afoot!!! I must stay safe! For me, my mother is a fragile narcissist, and I experienced a trauma under her care as an infant. Only EMDR therapy has me free of this trauma bond!! So I know all sorts of types of narcissists. 😅 The covert good Samaritan is one I have been fooled by and it was terrible. 😢❤ But now I'm standing alone with no problem and prefer my own company til people earn my trust.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
There is a difference between behavior and words. Narcissists use there words carefully but it's the behavior that gives them away.
Behavior:
1 Corinthians 13:3-7 🤏
James 1:19 👌
100%!
Exactly
Yes!! 💯 Period
I totally agree. Narcissists also need you to believe their words and forget and forgive their actions. Once you treat them as they are, they erupt and become defensive towards you.
I love that, where there’s room for kindness, I will be kind. Such a healthy and concise thought.
Narcissists are people who make sure their needs are met, and don't give enough back. They use you.
Well said.
Narcism, the infants constructive survival tool that the evolving child never grows out of, eventually becoming, the "tail that wags the dog" of the adults means to existance.
Give enough back? Do you not make sure your needs are met? So the difference between you and a narcissist is you give back the acceptable and correct amount and they don’t? Amount of what?
All narcissists are assholes. Not all assholes are narcissists.
Words are important. Without more information, you’re just describing an asshole.
Sounds about Trump
Keep a journal with dates. This helped me recently with a betrayal. I was gaslighting myself, until I looked at my notes and saw the amber then red flags. I accepted it in non resistance and collected my things and walked away. Do not engage if you feel, butterflies or nervousness, that is your truth speaking to you. Love shouldn’t make you uncomfortable. Business should not make you sick.
@Ursaminor31 I did the same and as I read I could feel myself getting upset and remembered the abuse vividly.
People who haven't experienced narcisstic abuse and being targeted in all sorts of manipulative ways, have no real idea what a toxic and relentlessly bullying situation it is.
And also, some people just don't feel comfortable at all around other people so body language is not definitive.There are many motivations and reasons for someone being socially awkward.
It's better to call it social hatred and promoting social hatred instead of bullying which minimizes it
Exactly. The term, used accurately, describes something , actually, life-threatening. Mine was threatened for over 20yrs. But I didn’t see it. Just was in a negative, manipulated state. Used as a description of an unpleasant personality is not even in the ballpark of such a struggle against becoming a complete, realized human rather than a damaged person in a body-suit.
It’s about survival. It is a challenge to be the target. If u survive, you’re stronger. And they are talking about criminal minds. Even more challenging.
The toxicity of a malignant narcissistic boss can last for years. It made me incredibly hypersensitive to any possibility of narcissistic behavior. I am struggling in a different job now, on top of figuring out that I have ADHD. My boss now treats me inappropriately, and I don't know what to do because HR has his back(which is usually the case). For the first time in 30 years I may not have a job, which causes me anxiety. I do my job well. The stores I deliver to appreciate my hard work. None of that matters to the boss.
@@selenanoll8462 However unfair to you, esp if you do your job well & have done nothing wrong: Start looking for the Exit.
You can only take so much stress for so long before your body & mind run out. Rebuilding yourself once you are pushed FAR beyond your limits is incredibly difficult. Your boss will not help you in the least, even if he caused it. On the contrary, once he feels you are weak / no longer able to defend yourself or push back, he will have no qualms to work out even more on his aggression on you. That is how narcs operate
This isnt about Fairness, its about Self preservation. I am sorry you have to go through this. Please take care of yourself*
The Relentless Bully 💯
This guy is wise and ethical. I don't respect 99% of lawyers in America. He's one in a million.
Narcissism is finally understood now, but it’s always been present, we just have words for it now.
Quite the contrary, it HASNT been fully understood and most people STILL don’t know there 7 types of narcs and 3 different levels of severity which means 21 different identities you could meet up against.
And each has different unique red flags.
So no, it’s not well understood, by at least it’s well into the people’s conscious awareness now.
Dr Ramani on UA-cam is considered one of the world’s top experts on the various faces and forms of narcissism.
It’s always been present and in the DSM-5, but his point is that the term is overused now. Many people say it for anyone they don’t like and disagrees with them.
When i finaly understood what i was dealing with i said, "It's not you, it's me. I left and I have my peace now.
Did the same, and it was the golden ticket for peace of mind.
Your parents did a very good job with you, Jefferson. ❤️
He did a very good job with himself.
@@maashnisundaram
Yes!! But they laid the Foundation!!🙌🙌🥰🙏🙏👍👍
This video should come with a PA: prepare your pen & notebook, be ready to take notes. This is gold! ❤
I did just that
I agreee!!! The word gets thrown around way too much... but for the folks that are actually educated in this area and that are INDEED experiencing a partner that meets 9 out of the 9 DSM criteria your content has really helped me. I believe a covert narc is one of the most dangerous kinds to be...
There are more and more of them around - it isn’t just that ppl talk about them more or “ a misdiagnosis.”
The only people desensitized to the word narcissist haven't gone through it yet. Keep your foot on their necks.
The vulnerable narc is also extremely dangerous and very common among women
“My values drive my actions”- Jefferson ❤
Gotta be strong to get out! I know it's hard but it can be done!!
A label is not required to recognize abusive behaviors.
Once you notice there are unhealthy patterns and the other person is not willing or able to do their side of working on healing the relationship for both of you, it is time to make your plans to get out!
Self preservation becomes the only path to wellness and wellbeing.
I have to deal with this type of person at work and it takes a huge toll. I cannot fathom willingly getting into a relationship with that sort of behavior and communications. Life is too short. Your sanity is worth more.
Aren't narcissists essentially operating primarily by self-preservation themselves? I understand what you mean, it just didn't occur to me before...
Jefferson Fisher, when you smile, I feel like everything is going to be ok.
It's a real word describing real people who use the legal system to destroy others.
I want to take this comment with me and hold it close to my heart. Forever 😢
It is a word that can seperate fact from fiction and provide transparent justice.
They're all extremely emotionally stunned... I ALWAYS, ALWAYS say "I see things differently" "We're all entitled to our own opinions" "The way I see it is" ALWAYS!!!!!
12:12 pure gold! “At all times I want to be positive, confident, and settled. You have to think in your mind the values you want to portray and stand by.” Shaken, but not stirred. Words to live by whether in a deposition or grocery store line.
A person doesn’t need to have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder in order to be a narcissist or have narcissistic tendencies
I am willing to bet that there aren't a whole lot of actually diagnosed narcissists. They are not the most self-reflective people and getting them to tell the truth about themselves is not a regular occurrence. 😮
I am willing to call someone toxic or to say they have a lot in common with a narcissist if it bothers people that narcissists don't often come with papers from a psychological exam. 😂
@@cc1k435 I think you are right. I bet there is much more undiagnosed narcissists because a narcissist wouldn't think they are or allow themselves to be diagnosed.
I wondered about that. Do they get diagnosed? What are the odds? I was told by the professional counselor if they do seek me out, they might be using me to see and learn what empathy looks like. It could really become extra scary. Wow.
@@sivasez I've heard of that, too. They manipulate everything else to their advantage, so therapy included. 🤔
Goes without saying. Same thing can be said about any illness or disorder.
I learned about Narcissism almost 20 years ago. I tried to understand my mother and it was revealed to the T in a book called Toxic Mothers. It was then confirmed in my undergraduate studies
You can aways tell when a narcissist is lying. They open their mouth.
Wait, I thought that was lawyers.
When they were saying that, you never hear from the woman who has the nice ex-boyfriend. The reason why you never hear from her is because they don't have problems with their ex-boyfriend who was a good guy. You're going to hear from the men and women who are dealing with the difficult, toxic personalities.
When you're dealing with kind people, even when you're breaking up, it's doable. When you're dealing with a highly toxic personality, it is not doable. They need the help.
Not true; or maybe becauseI'mfrom a differentgeneration(and country).
My ex-husband is my "ex" for a reason.
Is he a narcissist? Not more than anyone else. Was he controlling? At the time we were married, absolutely.
He had a drinking problem and he cheated on me when I was expecting our now 28 year old daughter.
Was he a narcissist, I repeat ? Nope.
He was immature - and so was I.
Fast forward 30 yrs. We're not "besties" but we definitely do not hate each other.
He even says that he regrets that he wasn't mature and responsible enough to have made it work.
He's a minor police chief in Brussels and in his early 60s, still single.
I'm working for the EU, in a good, loving 2nd marriage since 2008.
Mature adults don't need to disqualify or discredit former partners.
That said, I'm currently in a situation at work whereby I'm subjecting to bullying by, who I genuinely think is a covert narcissist.
I'm at the point of leaving this job. Not easy at 55 but I can do it.
@@Canuckbelgo
Controlling behaviour, a drinking problem and (as entitled to be) cheating? Especially since in combination, these tendencies could well be indicative of someone with serious narcissistic tendencies, and not merely signs of being immature; that is unless there really - over years - had been a definite improvement in their behaviour. However, not as easy to know if this is the case; unless one is really in close relationship to them. Typically they would be masking well who they really are. Can understand though, how one would rather choose to be in denial, by believing the best of someone whose the parent of one's child... How is his relationship with her?
“Where there is room for kindness I will use it.” 🤯
This is so hard to remember when people are actively trying to get a reaction out of you. A very inspiring mantra to have!
Narcissist is an actual psychiatric diagnosis. I’m not a psychiatrist, so I’m not qualified to apply that label.
What I can do is identify narcissistic BEHAVIORS and learn some skills to address them. Thank you for your content. I have learned so many useful tools.
we are talking about narcissism a lot more recently because this is the first time it’s actually being studied more in depth. A lot of us that date narcissistic people grew up with a narcissistic parent and something in us is drawn to them because of that. maybe some people are overusing the term, but i also think some people are narcissist magnets (like me). and that’s not to say every guy i’ve dated was a narcissist, there are only three people throughout my life that i genuinely think are narcissistic.
I understand that this is mostly about narcissism but seems like it would be about borderline personality disorder too. Very helpful. Thank you
Narcissism is very much REAL.
Always amazing Jefferson and so respectful and compassionate thank you
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and revelation with us🕊🕊God bless you guys🕊thank you JESUS 💜
Top advice from our self composed and unflustered lawyer:
You maintain that balance (your reality vs another's accusations) by understanding who you are and loving who you are-"I'm ok if you misunderstand me. I'm okay..."
And, stay still and not be routed all over the place by a gaslighter, responding calmly and succinctly, "I remember things differently", even a few times just to stand your ground- "You have control over you!"
The goal is to achieve this unflustered frame in our emotions and our words (internally and externally), adequately demonstrated in this interview. For those caught in toxicity and longterm abuse, self heal needs to happen first. Take care...
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Great insight for placing boundaries around a difficult decision. Living by your values is so important. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you! It took me 12 years to learn this. I get it❤
Same. I wish I knew this earlier, but I live peace now 😊
Great advice on loving who you are.
They are never diagnosed because they never think there’s something wrong with them.
Social media is a catalyst for The Big N. Duck lip selfies, look at me, likes, hearts, humble braggers
It was a real word, everyone has over used it. My husband has been in therapy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder for years now and I can’t tell you how absolutely debilitating it is
Very much appreciated the concept of bringing your values to a conversation and finding space to be either a bridge or a light house.
Valuable conversation - thank you sincerely, sean. Cheers from Vancouver, Canada
WoW I wish all men could be like you!!! Thank you for helping me and my sisters....❤❤❤
All abusive situations are Narcissistic on a scale
You are Very wise 😊
totally agree about branding people as Narcisist because they don't like what they are hearing. Its a very overloaded term
Thank you Jefferson, yes I prepare which helps in my new life and keep my personal business very private moving forward.🙏
THANL YOU. ITS TAKEN ME 15 YEARS TO UNDERSTAND THIS. I thought it was me all along.
@@MrGizmoalchemist don’t feel bad. It took me 50 and the last 20 have been recovering /living an actual life/ examining my role in the co-dependent relationship. Perfect break away time for your growth. Wishing u the Best of results finding happiness. It is there.
Ba’s SOOO proud of you!! I LOVE YOU!!
They either want the game with you or they want the praise from you. Perfect analogy of a narc
My wife does all of this. We're separated now but I was never entitled to the interpretation of my own life events. I was never entitled to my own feelings. I was always wrong and I could never do anything right. Everything was constantly my fault. Even when I was extremely kind and tried to understand her, all she ever cared about was what she wanted. Constantly undermined me and emasculated me. Always made excuses for her behavior and blamed her actions on me. She told me that she would only change if I changed first. Total manipulation and molding me into what she wanted me to be. Never took responsibility ro anything she ever did. And she used countless outside people to triangulate against me and they all took her side. Pastors, counselors, etc. None of them listened to me or heard my experiences. Even they blamed me for her behavior. I was constantly accused of making things up and just wallowing in my feelings. She even used my son as a weapon against me.
I developed so many physical symptoms as a result. The psychological harm is immense.
Thank you for addressing the issue with the overuse of the word “narcissist/narcissistic”. I follow Dr Honda who often addresses this concern and caution the viewers to not confuse true narcissism with mere selfishness. Listening to his podcasts and reading up on the clinical definitions and diagnostic methods for narcissistic personality disorder from various sources have helped me a lot to understand what it is, and is not. I’m surprised how the incorrect use and misunderstanding/misinterpretation of the word, is still rarely addressed on social media.
Useful advice and presented by a gorgeous guest.
I think that people who are calling their ex a narcissist are those who have been or continue to be abused by that person. Many people have narcissist tendencies and many are true narcissists.
I was in the military as a senior leader and got set up for controversy by my senior boss who had operatives in my organization. One new officer reported in and had a nice in brief with me and I welcomed him to the organization and told him to take whatever time he needs to get settled and that I was happy he was here. He went to see the guy he was replacing and despite me only being there for a few months where I had been on travel for much of the time, the new officer returned to my officer and called me a narcissist and told me he was going to make sure I was fired. They all did try that 18 months later when I retired after 30 years. I was targeted by the senior boss who set up an operation (it had a name even). She wanted me to be fired for whatever reason so that I could be a scapegoat. Despite that I stayed steady and and when she ran her investigation of me no ne cold really come up with anything I had done wrong. But like she said, "I dont have to find anything n my investigation because as you leave service people will think yo got fired anyway."
Senior boss was jealous you were leaving & wanted control & power via manipulation over you & your career. Glad you were able to stand firm, got out & retire on your own terms.
The police do the same thing run investigations when they know someone is innocent as the way to harass people and make them uncomfortable and make them feel disempowered
I swear some people are just demonic and can’t stand to see integrity and decency in other people. Joyful cruelty and excitement in playing games with other peoples’ lives.
The best advice ❤ Thank you.
At the end of the day doesn’t matter what somebody is. If they’re treating you like shit, you need to walk away.
So, so true….such an overused word….walking away is the wisest, thank you, family dynamics are terribly damaging when they have these tendencies
It is very beautiful if you are dealing with someone “normal” but would not with with a Narc! They get offended for every little thing. I know bc I live with one!
They are never diagnosed because they never go for help.
That’s not what they’re talking about
However, I just want to point out, most NARCISSISTS aren't diagnosed. How do you diagnose someone who knows their perfect?!!!
Thnx for being there .. there’s something really good about how you’re explaining harsh realities of confusion between 2 people.. your phrases have hit a chord .. t u
Thank you. ✨🙏✨
I’ve been bingeing this content and love it. The only thing I’d love for you to consider is autistic people can display very awkward mannerisms that could come off as forced or fake, especially when feeling social anxiety. I’m autistic but most people don’t know it and I get misunderstood a lot I think partially for this trying to read my nonverbal signs and getting it incorrectly. It’s not 100% of the time but enough that I wish people knew it wasn’t me trying to be someone I’m not, I’m just having a hard time translating the thoughts in my head verbally out loud.
I have taken so many tips from him dealing with my hell of a narcissist-
1:53 It's extremely evident when someone has been with a narcissist... The difference in the entire relationship and the break up is devestatingly apparent where there is zero question the person is a narcissist, diagnosed or not.
Finally some sanity on youtube! 👍👍👍👍
The word narcissism comes from a combination of greek and latin. It was in use from the end of the nineteenth century so late 1800's and not two years ago. It can be a misused word but that excuse makes very difficult for those who have experienced and been assessed as subjected to this form of abuse. It is a very dehumanising experience and the abused person is not often believed because of the public verses private nature of this type of abuse, In the UK now the offenders can be prosecuted. Those who have not been at the receiving end of this form of abuse have no idea, none whatsoever. If a person is beaten up, bruise can be photographed, bones xrayed etc. If ones mind has been beaten up it is much more difficult for outsiders to understand. The victim often gets blamed thereby perpetuating the abuse. What the lawyers don't see or hear is the behaviour in privacy of the narc, the tone of voice used which can make a lot of difference. They only see the 'public' nice person as a rule. I have walked away , only to have them following me everywhere i went raging all the time. Walking away isn't always an option if you have other responsibilities in the home for example. You can do the quite approach and repeat may irate them so much they start a rage attack. Well, trying to rationalise with a narcissist shows to me that you do not know what this disorder is. This was an approach you suggested.
This also comes from the demon named ( narciss)😮😮
@@teresadvorak6145 the demon talk is a cop out. These are people not anything else.
I've been in this situation and walking away is always an option. You get help and you plan an escape.
What if you dont still love them from all the stress they caused. Im actually just done.
Most narcissists either dont go to therapy or lie to the therapist, coverts in my life, at least
All therapy does for a TRUE narc is educate them on how to keep up their ways but making you look like the crazy person. It helps them navigate their mental disorder and come out on top. Scary. Every successful survivor of narcissistic abuse knows that they should never let the narcissist know that they know.
@@nmariejenkins2041people with narcissism and personality disorders work in the mental health system
Saying “I remember things differently” and “I have a different approach” forced my 73yo father (8” taller & 100lbs heavier) to pin my shoulders against a wall, stick a finger in my face, and scream about how little I know. And I couldn’t help but laugh.
Good for u!
My ex-husband is my "ex" for a reason.
Is he a narcissist? Not more than anyone else. Was he controlling? At the time we were married, absolutely.
He had a drinking problem and he cheated on me when I was expecting our now 28 year old daughter.
Was he a narcissist, I repeat ? Nope.
He was immature - and so was I.
Fast forward 30 yrs. We're not "besties" but we definitely do not hate each other.
He even says that he regrets that he wasn't mature and responsible enough to have made it work.
He's a minor police chief in Brussels and in his early 60s, still single.
I'm working for the EU, in a good, loving 2nd marriage since 2008.
Mature adults don't need to disqualify or discredit former partners.
That said, I'm currently in a situation at work whereby I'm subjecting to bullying by, who I genuinely think is a covert narcissist.
I'm at the point of leaving this job. Not easy at 55 but I can do it.
Ughhh I wish I came across this video 9 months ago...oh well! I'm no contact now...but this is a great video
Very sweet and kind lawyer with good intentions. However, I would say that if you are dating a difficult person or believe the person is narcissistic just run away. I grow up with a narcissistic parent and believe me nobody wants to go through the pain does people can inflict.
This is helpful. Thank you
This has been a personality disorder far longer than 2 years ago. It's just you became into the awareness of the severity of it.
Ten to fifteen years ago, calling someone a narcissistic was considered taboo.
We definitely had NPD in every DSM manual since 1980...not 2yrs ago😂... Also...it references Ancient Greek Mythology as a metaphor....so the "wolf in sheep's clothing," is as old as the human race...hard to accept, but poignant.. New studies in the USA said narcissistic individuals are 3 out of 5 now due to sociocultural factors and how it's rewarded by society. It's a spectrum as well, and not to be used interchangeably with simply self-centered. It's a very specific list of behaviors/disorders.
I wouldn't dismiss anyone's use of the word but rather point them to a professional, every time. 🙏 Just an FYI though, def older than "2 years" more like 50 to 200yr 😂
I was reading up on NPD in 2013. At first I was relieved to see general understanding gaining traction, but now the term “narcissism” has lost its meaning. We’re back in the dark again.
IT'S WAY WORSE THAN YOU GUYS KNOW. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT REAL NARCISSISM IS.
Only victims and targets know and can address their individual situation appropriately. The reality is there are as many people slinging around the word narcissist, as there are those who think nothing of it.
AMEN AMEN. I wished they could of went thru what I went thru, on a daily basis. Physical abuse, verbal, emotional 😢😢 They have no clue
Very interesting.
My ex was an abusive in every sense of the word narcissist. There was zero chances of him ever being "diagnosed" with anything other than a cold. He was very good at what he did. What looked like positive forward motion and "success" from the outside was simply a mirage. I wasn't the only person on this planet who was abused after being drawn in and played like a violin. Good luck.
Seems like an example of gaslighting the poor folks who are battling with narcissistic folks
Exactly. People who don't understand what this is need to sit down and stfu.
An easy way is to have a stick....the person speaking sharing get to share all they need, then the other hold the stick... no interrupt ions to other. It works beautifully
Great way of learning to listen...you are gud.. 🇬🇧 14:25
I work in a toxic environment I am looking to find a different job but mean time I found even keeping quite or walking away is not enough . Sadly controlling my tone of voice when i say something is not easy, find it hard not to show how I agitated I am, how do we mange our emotions
Hey, I'm the one who goes through something difficult with a nice ex! I really feel bad telling him the truth. Actually I told him anything I had to say, but he still contacts me.
I agree that the word narcissism is very overused. I very much disllike pop psychology and random diagnoses by non-professionals.
My ex boyfriend I believe has paranoid personality disorder, trauma from losing two wives and parents in the last 5 years, lost his job and on top of all that has a poor self image- always seemed to project all this mess onto others- wasn’t personal to me- he did that to everyone he thought he could get away with doing that to.
The word narcissist has exploded and often the wrong way. We are at an epidemic of “ME” world. I will say being a do-gooder and person of empathy, I attract these people like a magnet. I have to shut then down early on and walk away. If they have nothing to offer or return in true friendship or truth I walk and win peace.
People get hung up on narcissism. For a period that is natural and good because now all of the sudden what they've been experiencing has a name and makes sense. They need learn about the game of a narcissist and this consumes them. That's ok for a time. BUT. When it goes on too long and all the attention is focused on someone we can't change (the narcissist) and not on the one person we can change (ourselves) we're stuck. The other thing to consider is that if attracting exploitative and narcissistic people into our lives is a pattern we have to look at the common denominator (ourselves) and begin to own the problem -I said "own" not take "blame for". Understanding that codependency is what attracts narcissism should be motivation to look in the mirror and then get to work on those codependent traits so we can stop attracting the narcs. No one else can do that for us. Dwelling in victim mode focused on how the narcs in our lives damaged us only keeps us stuck.
I agree that the term narcissist is overused, but if you only grant that term as correctly applying only to the officially diagnosed, then you risk disbelieving an authentic victim. Most narcissists are not formally diagnosed because they do not see themselves as the problem. Often it is when their victim goes into therapy that the narcissist is identified. That is called diagnosis in proxy. If your family of origin had one known narcissist, you can assume that there are others along the overt/covert spectrum, along with codependents and addicts - the toxic behaviors and trauma bonds end up creating dysfunctional groups. This creates numerous betrayals for a victim and makes dealing with toxic people hard because they are so close relationally, and also have slightly different modus operandi.
narcissists are the first to paint their exes as 'toxic'. When someone I don't know well says that about an ex, it's a 'proceed with caution' flag, more info required.
Sometimes l hard time loving myself little bit am doing way better than I was
Just cause they didn’t have a word to describe what was always there doesn’t take away from how many of people are narcissists in today’s age. Evil energy doesn’t lie.
Cluster B = Difficult Patient
I've just gone through 6 years 4 of them being violently abusive
And I just tried to get on the RSH Legal website and my phone redirected me to some other Lawyers firm while I though I was filling form and leaving quick thing to partners after clicking submit its some other lawyers firm????my phone is hacked and messed up and I need help.
Thank you for all your advise videos and for going onto podcasts. Valuable information and advise greatly appreciated
Yeah the popularity of the word has been steadily climbing since the early/mid 2000’s (2004 and on) but hasn’t been spoken about/noticed till about 2010and on. Trying to be honest and detailed as possible. It climbed even more popular from then on.
2020 is when it became a UA-cam trending topic I think. Maybe as early as 2018. I noticed the online therapist have videos dating back to around that year. So as far as everyone labeling one another a narcissist it goes back to at least 2020.
I was married to someone for over 20 years who was a malignant covert narcissist with all the high spectrum sadistic traits...that caused me massive amounts of phycological damage before I figured it all out. Sorry others want to continue to invalidate to keep themselves on some side of moral superiority. Naricism is an epidemic and our society supports breading it. Maybe that's why people are more frequently looking for help. We are not all that stupid to easily attempt to point a finger...May actually care... and have done our full research and unfortunately have the scars to prove it. which is how we were motivated to do the research to attempt to figure it out while we were being gaslit it wasnt happening. This is life ruining stuff for both people. The diagnosis is irrelevant.
Jefferson's handsome. There I said it. 😆
Life is short! Surprise? Once you start to argue with someone, believe it or not, a certain trust gets broken and the trusting part of the relationship is over, likely forever. In most cases the relationship is over. It could take weeks, months or years to separate especially if you are married with children, but it’s over. It’s best when no children are involved to walk away: once trust is broken it can never be repaired. Don’t waste your time trying to fix it!
The trouble about the direction they are looking is that you need to know if they are left of right handed.
My husband gets pumped when i cry, and in situations i try to share me. He has told me he doesn't care about me
😢I’m so sorry
Well, alcoholism and bipolar diseases cause the scab of grandiosity.. which might be all out narcissism or not. And the tests are afoot!!! I must stay safe! For me, my mother is a fragile narcissist, and I experienced a trauma under her care as an infant. Only EMDR therapy has me free of this trauma bond!! So I know all sorts of types of narcissists. 😅 The covert good Samaritan is one I have been fooled by and it was terrible. 😢❤ But now I'm standing alone with no problem and prefer my own company til people earn my trust.