Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
@jerrywise I had the biggest belly laugh when you pointed out how preposterous and self-important the idea that "Nobody loves me" is. I had subconsciously internalized that for so long and it was bringing me so low. Your perspective and look of confused bewilderment was exactly what I needed to help me see myself a bit more clearly. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 THANK YOU!
Thankyou! I have ongoing problems with my sister who is 71 - I am 65. I see now that her aim is to make me live to her values. She shames me for my personality.
Same ! Because I’m not married and don’t have kids I’m seen as the weirdo in the family ( according to her ). She did get married and has two kids. However , she is divorced and both of her kids have been abused by her and their dads. Her daughter tried to commit suicide , went NC with her mom ( my sis ), went NC one year while she went to therapy about her mom. My nephew has major anxiety issues where he is on medication , is in therapy , and even passed out one time having a seizure and drs thought it was from stress. My niece has told me a few things about what her dad and mom did to her growing up and it was like seeing myself in her on how I was raised. My sister lost a friend who told her she was a judgemental person and not a nice person and shd didn’t want to be her friend anymore. Her step son doesn’t like her and she talks about her friends saying “ my friend is 40 and never had kids and is just getting married at r40 , something is wrong with her. My sis sees fault in EVERYBODY but herself. She has said everyone should be married and have kids , go to college and be educated. She looks down upon those who haven’t went to college. To make all this funnier she goes to church and acts SO different around her friends. Like a completely different person. I am NC with her now for 500 reasons but the way she treats me she prob doesn’t even realize it
I have a saying: "To be narcissized is to be lobotomized". I hope to have my word Narcissized dictionary included. As a branding professional I 💕 hearing about self-differentiation ... So thankful to start the day enjoying recovery with Jerry Wise in the woods. Heartfelt thanks. #selfsovereignty is dignity
One of the great privileges of growing older is most of the family problems disappear. Both of my parents are gone, now. All siblings live in other states, and their cruel disrespect was all the closure I needed to permanently detach.
I would take issue with the idea of cutting off as an immature response; at least if I am understanding it as you are using it. For me cutting family off/going no contact was a necessary step to GETTING TO detachment from dysfunctional family dynamics and understanding my place in it. Being with them was the same as the Phyllis Diller line: "Cleaning the house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while the blizzard is blowing." That step away was the beginning of healing and finding the person that I am today....that and dedication to my own path. Do I want to re-engage with them; or return to being connected now as a life choice, some measure of maturity or proof that I cannot be triggered? No. They are who they are and there is no good reason to engage with people who are unable to change and still bent upon making you and others miserable, unless you are keenly interested in psychopathic, narcissistic or anti-social behavior. I can understand them and how they got there and have compassion for that, be civil at mutually attended "affairs of state," connect to the few sane others in the group; and forgive the dysfunctional and myself, knowing I learned things along the way that have benefitted me and others. Nor, by the way, is there any reason for shame! Life is about learning. Mistakes are made as a consequence....theirs and ours. For me that is MORE than enough. At 65, I am MUCH happier and joyful enjoying my life and my family of choice. Life is short!
It hit me too but that’s a system feeling lol You can be in contact and be cut off. He is speaking to detaching whether or not you are in contact. He’s full aware that some relationships no contact is the only healthy choice.
@@TranscendingTrauma No,, that is not a "systems feeling." Thanks for your input but I disagree about the use of the word "mature" in this context. Maturity is the ability to respond appropriately to the reality you are confronting based upon an appropriate level of understanding and personal development. It is about being able to steward yourself through life based upon the reality of your situation, not just connect with overtly harmful people because someone decides that is a "more mature" approach. Call it a poor use of words on his part, a faux pas, whatever. It doesn't fly and is obvious to anyone who has been deeply affected or severely threatened in this type of relationship; or those who simply are done slogging through every gathering or engagement. I am also fully aware of the use of the word "detachment," and am not debating its obviousness. Again, I appreciate the thought, but disagree entirely.
@@daleg4299 I agree 100%. I know now what's wrong with my sister, and she cannot trigger me anymore, but why spend time with evilness personified? I have better things to do than to prove to her I have detached from her or tolerate her emotional abuse for the sake of the rest of my "family" (who not once defended me anyway).
@@xrc7445 We have the same story line. The "for the sake of the family" rationalization is just a self serving bunch of hoo-ha. After all, weren't you also a family member? Weren't you worth defending; or was that only for the narc? Anyone who witnessed the dynamic knew you were being hurt by it. Those that could see the truth of scapegoating and how they were in line for that role if you left the "family" might have more truthfully said "Better you than me." Congrats on choosing to be your own best friend.
In my family, there's retaliation for even mere perceived self-differentiation. This is how I stumbled into realizing how sick my family of origin is. My own family couldn't join in the "traditional Thanksgiving" one year, and my mother began intentionally just "forgetting" to mention other family gatherings to me, denying that they occurred, telling family friends unkind things about me and my family members,
I def feel your pain. Last year a couple months before my birthday I told my mom the plans I had and asked if she wanted to go. She said no. The day before my birthday she texted me asking where I wanted my b day dinner the next day. I told her no bday dinner for me this year and I reminded her where I would be . She ignored that and went on and on about me getting a bunch of people together in less then 24 hours for my b day dunner. So I told her no. Since I said the word no she ignored me on my birthday and gave me silent treatment . It’s been little over a year now and she told my sister she has no idea why I’m so upset and not talking to her. Well the year before that … on my sis birthday my mom called her and asked if I was there. My sis says yes and my mom says “ well I guess you aren’t getting the DQ birthday cake I wanted to get you and she was crying. Basically , my mom doesn’t drive ( she can , she just refuses ) and she blamed me for not picking her up and getting her the cake and driving her to my sis house. My mom gets real weird if I go to my sisters house and don’t bring her. My mom gets real weird if I don’t spend every holiday with her. And my mom doesn’t like others around either. It must be just her and us three kids or she pouts
I just wanted you to know that my sense of AWARENESS has grown SO much since I first started viewing these invaluable videos of yours. I can actually see and feel myself changing for the better in the way I feel, perceive things, and process intimate interactions with others, particularly my interactions with my family members. It is so much easier now to see how my family dynamics are affecting me as a person, and with your priceless help, I am now heading in the right direction (albeit it for the first time in 63 years) due to the awareness you have given to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that!! I hope from the heart that you and your loved ones have a BLESSED 2023! Respectfully, Celeste in Charleston, SC
As a scapegoat, my family truly did give me that much power to make them unhappy. I assure you I didn't place myself on this grandiose pedestal, but point taken. LOL
my dad is very very good heart guy, and top Genius in his professional, but dead by family members abuse, I missed him too much everyday now.. I feel too sad , can't breathe, so very appreciated that I can listen to your videos.
This is an excellent presentation on self-differentiation. Each person should be allowed to become a unique individual in their own right. They should never be made to feel ashamed or guilty for exercising their boundaries to protect themselves and live within their own limits.
My Mom is probably the single most clueless human being I've ever met. And I've traveled a lot. She was gaslit by her family and then my father. She is 79 now and finally starting to realize that she was trained to gaslight herself to match the family bullshit.
I don’t know you or your situation but seeing an adult child online proclaiming the victim hood of their parent sends alarm bells off in my head. I start to wonder about weaponized incompetence, covert narcissism, or at the least codependency. I came into my husband’s family where everyone felt the need to protect his mother because she is delicate or not very smart. This dynamic kept her from being held responsible for anything. When we choose to have children, we no longer get to be the victim because the welfare of our children depends on us standing up for ourselves and them. Just a thought. I could definitely be wrong.
Thank you, Jerry. We were the progeny of two Marines who both ran away from home to enlist, so you can make safe assumptions how our home life was. My differentiation may have started in the 2nd grade, when I was purposely remanded to a teacher due to my family background, and I remained in her class for 3rd grade, as well. The turmoil in our family was awful (Dad fighting a war, Mom a full-blown, abusive, suicidal narcissist, no extended family around), but my teacher gave me an outlet, and made it clear life could be, should be different. So, I began to pray that, if I ever got married, my wife would be Mom's opposite, and I kept praying and meditating on that. Over the years I was blessed with wonderful women who loved me for who I was. None of them were like Mom, and I managed to marry Mom's polar opposite. Even that has it's issues, but our home is a warm loving place, where it appears we are all content, trying to be the best each of us can without comparisons, without envy, without strife.
When I want to regulate my nervous system I know that I can go to one of your videos and they really help to validate my feelings. Thank you so much Jerry for sharing your work ♥️🙏🏽
Basically, we’re subjectively gas lit. We can’t and don’t trust our own perceptions. We keep attracting the “ imprint” of what happened in childhood. An adult/child. Repeating like a broken record what’s been imprinted on our historical personal and familial template. A perpetual involuntary hellish existence.
I agree with the theory of distortion of subjectivity. The beliefs we have about what the world is like are what control the consciousness. It’s extremely difficult to get to the other side of these beliefs because they define reality.
Thats truth Its opening for me as well Thanks again 👍🙏 Its been a journey to heal but I think the way you are putting the puzzle together the real healing will come 😊
19:19 ”and I really do mean resolve it, not just a cognitive awareness of it. That’s not the work. That’s prep. But you have to do the work of resolving. Oftentimes if we detach from the thing causing the shame, say family of origin, then that shame can begin to resolve too. If you begin to detach, not “cut off”, cut off is to remain immature, detach is to grow up.“ Jerry you really knocked me out of my worry spiraling I had going on thank you so much
Ooh! Southern Indiana!! I used to ride bikes and mountain bikes all over that area - and gravel roads in HNP. Such a peaceful and beautiful place. There’s also still geodes in old creek beds… a little kid taught me how to find geodes vs rocks in creek beds in exchange for if I would be the adult and open them with a chisel + hammer. It was awesome!!
I lived far away from my mother and family for 16 years . Then I moved back closer , 3 hours from family. My mom was 80 then , and I really wanted to try to give it my best shot. Holidays we are there . I threw an 80 th birthday for my worst narc , my mom . So after two thanksgivings, and Christmases It seemed as if my family was being ok . Then , this past Christmas , my Mom put me down like I always remember her doing , and I was severely traumatized from that moment. She teamed up with my brother to put me down and call me crazy , and I cannot describe what it did to me. You would think after 16 years away it wouldn’t impact me but it does. Needless to say, I’m back no contact until they put her in the ground. She is a Horrible person . She even made sure that my husband wasn’t with me when she said this to me . She asked me , is Rick w/ you ? I said no, and then she started her usual put downs . Is that not crazy. She would never try to look bad in front my husband. Remember , her goal is to make me look bad to everybody .
I had the same dynamics. She is gone, now, and because of relentlessly cruel siblings, I did not attend her funeral. She was 1k miles away, anyway. Time does not change these people; they never change.
My father was the worst, or at least I thought so when I was a kid. Then I had a huge trauma in my life, he was horrendous but my mother has been worse. It hit me hard that she is was kept me in the toxic system and kept me subjugated. I could have forgiven her but after years of trying it just drove me crazy. I was hurting so bad because of what happened and it brought up a wave of past trauma. What did she do, she denied it all and darvo'd me or stone walled. It hit me what she has always been like. Now her favourite thing is to say "I can't do that psychological stuff", "I can't understand why anybody would want to talk about their childhood", "I could have managed them", my d.v. nex, "go for a walk", I'm chronically ill due to medical trauma. The same woman I wanted to protect from my father, to do things she liked, to try and be what she wanted. All she had to do was be there at this critical time. Instead she threw me under the bus for the LAST time! What's funny is she moans about him to me. My answer, "I can't do anything about that".
From Al-Anon, I've learned over the years that not only does an alcoholic have to be free from others' control (help) in order to actually own his/her own sobriety and relationship with God, but also, as an Al-Anon, I have to own my ideas, integrity, and relationship with God in order to be ok and to grow. It's been a real process to let go of grown children and allow them their own too in all areas of their lives. That's actually harder, but it's just the truth. Two of my three have been through their own fires and come out more than ok. The third one used grandchildren to get what she wanted on both sides of the family and now is having to figure it out because I've learned to let her. Prayer and my relationship with God is what saves me in this process. It's not all or nothing in any case, but the guidance from God in live and let live is crucial as is His support for both of us. The two I had to let go of much earlier are doing well, and we have good relationships with mutual love and respect. The other one has been harder because she didn't want to let go of my 'support'. That 'surrport' has been a trap in my own family of origen for my brother and sister with terrible results. Now my mother is trying to lay a guilt trip on me for not doing that with my third one. The good news is that I'm going to God for clarity and direction instead of to my mother and the family enmeshment.
I shared this video today on Facebook and on LinkedIn. I think it has some important messages for individuals in both personal and professional contexts. I am so glad to have come across your work, Jerry.
Exactly the description I used when I think about my life growing up and now the relationships in my life. “I” don’t exist. Those people have built in their own minds who I am based on what they want me to be and when I don’t align in their created ideal of me, they experience some sort of cognitive dissonance. It shakes up their sense of reality. It’s like when the scape goat try’s to self differentiate in moments of courage and the family then creates some form of intervention to try to get you back in line with the family persona that they need to maintain for their own version of sanity.
To my mom I am emotionless and have no anger. The very few times that I do express my anger I get yelled at and criticized for it. She is shocked that I have emotions. I just choose to rarely show my emotions because I know she is going to have a negative reaction.
The bent antenna analogy is so helpful and completely resonated with me. I also found your tennis court analogy in previous videos when you've explained enmeshment extremely helpful. These 2 concepts are life changing. Thank you Jerry so very much, you're kindness, compassion and hard work are very much appreciated.
Love your simple explanations Jerry and especially your examples. I learned a lot about self differentiation. I’m feeling empowered to re establish my current boundaries with a more compassionate approach such as communicating with family on a filtered - my emotional needs before theirs basis. Not cut off. Still being open to interacting with them but in a growing me towards feeling respected and appreciated. Thanks 🙏🏼 again!
I've spent the last year differentiating myself. I have detached. I'm at peace but have lost a good majority of my family in the process. It's one of the most painful experiences of my life, and I've had a few. I don't know what kind of future I will have with my son and my family of origin, they all think I'm the crazy one. Thank God I have my daughter who sees the truth. She knew before I did about my family members being narcissistic. I have accepted what they think of me, I'm just going to be me. My advice for anyone who wants to do a session with Jerry is to make sure you know what you want to walk away with. I mostly spoke for an hour because I was so glad to talk to someone who understood. I really wanted feedback instead of me talking for an hour.
I’m in a similar situation. My Mother is a severe covert narc and turned my family against me and only on. Now he is a malignant narcissist. My Mother’s severe abuse ruined my life, cause me terrible physical problems and I am disabled now from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have been low contact with her and my Son but the attacks still occur. I am contemplating No contact with both. They cause me heartache and cause me horrible stress. My Mom got her hooks in my son at a young age and made him her son and soured him against me. It’s been the worst thing in my life.
Thank-you so much Jerry. It is clear - if we get on well with our family we like to stay with them for Christmas. But if they try to suppress, manipulate... us - we prefer to stay away. I also suffered from very difficult and dysfunctional surroundings ...and still suffer from this instilled guilt and shame, etc. It is like a brain washing...
The Chinese have a saying 一字千金 One word = 1000 gold Where the language expression is so good that neither a word could be added or removed, even if a thousand gold reward is offered That’s how Jerry’s levels of explanations are
I love that concept of being ok with doing something poorly at first. The systems feeling tell me not to do something or ask because failure but eventually you get it
If you ever read this, Mr. Wise. I am greatly appreciating this video and yes, I totally get you on getting the most helpful tips. Your speech wasn't as structured (as I am taking notes for myself) but all what was said is a new, helpful ways for me, and there is a lot to learn from! Thank you so much! I am watching your videos daily and subscribed. Thinking about you from Sydney.
Thank you for all Of your videos. I feel like I’ve been validated. This is giving me the ability to move through this. I’m not sure why, I was stuck and couldn’t get to the next level of healing. Thank you!!!!
As I was listening to this video Jerry I was thinking of several examples in my life over the past year that were very similar to some of your examples and I'm so proud of how far I have come in my healing, growth and maturing.💛 My favorite take away is the reminder that we can only control ourselves, thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions and everyone else has to deal with their own.💛 Excellent video Jerry. You have such a calming presence and you teach us in ways that are identifiable and easy to understand. As always thank you and God bless your wise heart and soul.🙏🕊️😊🫶
Thank you Jerry. Perfect timing and as always, very insightful. I plan to reach out to you soon. Thanks for the contact info and for another helpful video. Stay blessed. Sending you a hug 🫂
Wishing you a blessed, healthy and happy 2023 Jerry. Your voice is so reassuring to all of us healing into maturity and self differentiation , heartfelt THANK YOU! ( what a glorious setting!🦉🌿! Thank you for sharing it w us)
Hello Dr.Kim, all women here in Europe are like this. You are really normal or I'm autistic. The older you get the more you try to find explanations for everything. But that is for sure the menopause. Stay healthy and thank you for your video!
Right after I became mildly upset at hearing my gone-no-contact-with-not-lightly sister in the background on a phone call with my mother, I tuned in to hear Jerry say, 'feeling guilty about not going to Christmas at mother's is systems guilt.' It made me wonder if my frustration with my sister is systems frustration. Or do I own it?
Cut off it to survive. There's no point in having contact with a mother who is incapable of loving me. If she can't be my mother, what purpose is having a toxic person around. She also started doing the same BS to my daughter at 6 months old, she discarded her. I couldn't protect myself but I can protect my kids.
this video was so uncomfortable but so true as I resonated with everything you said. I'm so grateful that you and your channel are on UA-cam Jerry. your work in these videos are a blessing for me. thanks again and much appreciated as always.
I found this video very helpful. I still don't know how to get detached and free from the often absurd messages and judgements that enter my mind in my mother's or brother's voice. They are like a constant nuisance noise pollution. A therapist I worked with years ago said to me,. when I told her the things that would enter my head, "That is not YOUR voice. That is YOUR MOTHER'S voice.". Why, at age 70, years after my mother has died, does her chattering nonsensical critiques of everyone and everything that seems not to fit with her narrow and sheltered attitudes about what is right and proper continue to plague me? Can you guide me to a resource such as a book or video that will help me get free of this nuisance? I don't want to have an inner dialogue and debate to justify my separateness or clarify my own beliefs and adult choices to someone who can't understand them and isn't even alive anymore! I have gone my own way from my messed up narcissistic family system many years ago. There has been no contact except for an email exchange after my son's death four years ago with my brother who told me I had broken my mother's heart and that he thinks I am a fraud. There has been no contact since that. I have lived a good and decent life. I got an education, I worked hard, I treated people with kindness and consideration. My choice to move away, to change my religion, to pursue advanced degrees and a career that made them think I was somehow trying to be "better" than them.... Those evidently "broke my mother's and grandfather's hearts", according to my brother. I need to let go of this at a deeper level. I don't rationally think of myself as having done anything against anyone. But it seems that their judgements and words still echo in my head and it's like my mother's. critical opinion on absolutely everything and everyone is living in my brain like some phantom insane chatterbox I can't shut up! I would really like some suggestions about this. I cannot afford any type of therapy or counselling at all now. Only maybe buy a book.
I have found the support of others in the Al-Anon program very helpful as well as doing journaling on the negative beliefs and working on inner child healing activities. There are also many videos about tapping techniques that help our brains process the trauma. It definitely is not a one size fits all and I’m still working on it but these are things I can do that are inexpensive.
8:30 for instance sun circling around the earth- that’s how we perceive it. And it helps our subjective reality. But then at school they pound our brain with all those Kepler discoveries which disconnects us from trusting our subjectivity.
GOD helps me pay my bills so human love isn't the most important thing to me. My fam has turned so many ppl against me untill I've learned to be ok without a lot of friends. I have very few friends & very little what I consider family.
This is good content and I really appreciate it. But I get interrupted about every minute and a half or so with either ad's or being cut off. Then when I find it and bring it back into play, it starts back 8 minutes and I have to find where it cut me off at. Does anyone else have this at all? I don't have this with other channels similar to this channel. I'm wondering what can be done if anything. I apologize if this sounds out of place 😔
I had to pay for a UA-cam subscription to prevent this. I feel like it’s a small price to pay to have uninterrupted access to Jerry’s videos and others like these.
Narcissists want to rob a person of their God given purpose in life. God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit helped set me free from the grip of the narcissist and in the process set me on the path towards my purpose. Psalm 119:105, “ Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”
Hi Jerry, what do you mean by the "rape" of our objectivity? Both Oxford and Marianne Webster dictionary define rape as sexual assault. Why would you use this word just like that? Note: I am a huge fan of your work, and have even benefitted from personal therapy sessions from you. I still do not appreciate how casually this word is used here.
I have been raped twice..the savage abuse of my "mother" FELT EXACTLY THE SAME... VICIOUS VIOLATION OVER WHICH I HAD NO CONTROL OR ESCAPE... ONLY DIFFERENCE ...HERS WENT ON FOR DECADES EVERY DAY
A lot of good ideas.. except the taking the Ex to the women’s center. 😂😂. Ok! Now the laugh is over. . Guess what… there are taxi’s, Uber’s, friends…church resources.. volunteers. etc., or even asking the wife does she have any ideas …the wife might even take her or the two of you together… But, “ Hey dear I am taking my EX to ---. “ I think NOT! I understand you used it as an example to prove a point……but this point has to many emotional hooks!
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
11:09
@jerrywise I had the biggest belly laugh when you pointed out how preposterous and self-important the idea that "Nobody loves me" is. I had subconsciously internalized that for so long and it was bringing me so low. Your perspective and look of confused bewilderment was exactly what I needed to help me see myself a bit more clearly. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 THANK YOU!
Jerry's a one take wonder. Pure talent.
Thankyou! I have ongoing problems with my sister who is 71 - I am 65. I see now that her aim is to make me live to her values. She shames me for my personality.
Same ! Because I’m not married and don’t have kids I’m seen as the weirdo in the family ( according to her ). She did get married and has two kids. However , she is divorced and both of her kids have been abused by her and their dads. Her daughter tried to commit suicide , went NC with her mom ( my sis ), went NC one year while she went to therapy about her mom. My nephew has major anxiety issues where he is on medication , is in therapy , and even passed out one time having a seizure and drs thought it was from stress. My niece has told me a few things about what her dad and mom did to her growing up and it was like seeing myself in her on how I was raised. My sister lost a friend who told her she was a judgemental person and not a nice person and shd didn’t want to be her friend anymore. Her step son doesn’t like her and she talks about her friends saying “ my friend is 40 and never had kids and is just getting married at r40 , something is wrong with her. My sis sees fault in EVERYBODY but herself. She has said everyone should be married and have kids , go to college and be educated. She looks down upon those who haven’t went to college. To make all this funnier she goes to church and acts SO different around her friends. Like a completely different person. I am NC with her now for 500 reasons but the way she treats me she prob doesn’t even realize it
I have a saying: "To be narcissized is to be lobotomized". I hope to have my word Narcissized dictionary included. As a branding professional I 💕 hearing about self-differentiation ... So thankful to start the day enjoying recovery with Jerry Wise in the woods. Heartfelt thanks. #selfsovereignty is dignity
Self-differentiation = healthy separateness from others
One of the great privileges of growing older is most of the family problems disappear. Both of my parents are gone, now. All siblings live in other states, and their cruel disrespect was all the closure I needed to permanently detach.
Unfortunately, they live inside you
A person not an object ...healing words for me. Thank you Jerry. Other people do not own me. I belong to me.
Hello Catherine
How are you doing today?
Systems guilt vs real guilt. That really helps me. Thank you.
You are so welcome!
I would take issue with the idea of cutting off as an immature response; at least if I am understanding it as you are using it. For me cutting family off/going no contact was a necessary step to GETTING TO detachment from dysfunctional family dynamics and understanding my place in it. Being with them was the same as the Phyllis Diller line: "Cleaning the house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while the blizzard is blowing." That step away was the beginning of healing and finding the person that I am today....that and dedication to my own path. Do I want to re-engage with them; or return to being connected now as a life choice, some measure of maturity or proof that I cannot be triggered? No. They are who they are and there is no good reason to engage with people who are unable to change and still bent upon making you and others miserable, unless you are keenly interested in psychopathic, narcissistic or anti-social behavior. I can understand them and how they got there and have compassion for that, be civil at mutually attended "affairs of state," connect to the few sane others in the group; and forgive the dysfunctional and myself, knowing I learned things along the way that have benefitted me and others. Nor, by the way, is there any reason for shame! Life is about learning. Mistakes are made as a consequence....theirs and ours. For me that is MORE than enough. At 65, I am MUCH happier and joyful enjoying my life and my family of choice. Life is short!
Jerry distinguishes between cut-off and thoughtfully going no contact.
It hit me too but that’s a system feeling lol You can be in contact and be cut off. He is speaking to detaching whether or not you are in contact. He’s full aware that some relationships no contact is the only healthy choice.
@@TranscendingTrauma
No,, that is not a "systems feeling."
Thanks for your input but I disagree about the use of the word "mature" in this context. Maturity is the ability to respond appropriately to the reality you are confronting based upon an appropriate level of understanding and personal development. It is about being able to steward yourself through life based upon the reality of your situation, not just connect with overtly harmful people because someone decides that is a "more mature" approach. Call it a poor use of words on his part, a faux pas, whatever. It doesn't fly and is obvious to anyone who has been deeply affected or severely threatened in this type of relationship; or those who simply are done slogging through every gathering or engagement. I am also fully aware of the use of the word "detachment," and am not debating its obviousness. Again, I appreciate the thought, but disagree entirely.
@@daleg4299
I agree 100%. I know now what's wrong with my sister, and she cannot trigger me anymore, but why spend time with evilness personified? I have better things to do than to prove to her I have detached from her or tolerate her emotional abuse for the sake of the rest of my "family" (who not once defended me anyway).
@@xrc7445 We have the same story line. The "for the sake of the family" rationalization is just a self serving bunch of hoo-ha. After all, weren't you also a family member? Weren't you worth defending; or was that only for the narc? Anyone who witnessed the dynamic knew you were being hurt by it. Those that could see the truth of scapegoating and how they were in line for that role if you left the "family" might have more truthfully said "Better you than me." Congrats on choosing to be your own best friend.
Jerry, you're looking younger and younger every day. Seriously.
Boy do you help me alot.
Thank You ❤️
In my family, there's retaliation for even mere perceived self-differentiation. This is how I stumbled into realizing how sick my family of origin is. My own family couldn't join in the "traditional Thanksgiving" one year, and my mother began intentionally just "forgetting" to mention other family gatherings to me, denying that they occurred, telling family friends unkind things about me and my family members,
I def feel your pain. Last year a couple months before my birthday I told my mom the plans I had and asked if she wanted to go. She said no. The day before my birthday she texted me asking where I wanted my b day dinner the next day. I told her no bday dinner for me this year and I reminded her where I would be . She ignored that and went on and on about me getting a bunch of people together in less then 24 hours for my b day dunner. So I told her no. Since I said the word no she ignored me on my birthday and gave me silent treatment . It’s been little over a year now and she told my sister she has no idea why I’m so upset and not talking to her. Well the year before that … on my sis birthday my mom called her and asked if I was there. My sis says yes and my mom says “ well I guess you aren’t getting the DQ birthday cake I wanted to get you and she was crying. Basically , my mom doesn’t drive ( she can , she just refuses ) and she blamed me for not picking her up and getting her the cake and driving her to my sis house. My mom gets real weird if I go to my sisters house and don’t bring her. My mom gets real weird if I don’t spend every holiday with her. And my mom doesn’t like others around either. It must be just her and us three kids or she pouts
I just wanted you to know that my sense of AWARENESS has grown SO much since I first started viewing these invaluable videos of yours. I can actually see and feel myself changing for the better in the way I feel, perceive things, and process intimate interactions with others, particularly my interactions with my family members. It is so much easier now to see how my family dynamics are affecting me as a person, and with your priceless help, I am now heading in the right direction (albeit it for the first time in 63 years) due to the awareness you have given to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that!! I hope from the heart that you and your loved ones have a BLESSED 2023! Respectfully, Celeste in Charleston, SC
As a scapegoat, my family truly did give me that much power to make them unhappy. I assure you I didn't place myself on this grandiose pedestal, but point taken. LOL
Oh, that's a good point.
my dad is very very good heart guy, and top Genius in his professional, but dead by family members abuse, I missed him too much everyday now.. I feel too sad , can't breathe, so very appreciated that I can listen to your videos.
This is an excellent presentation on self-differentiation. Each person should be allowed to become a unique individual in their own right. They should never be made to feel ashamed or guilty for exercising their boundaries to protect themselves and live within their own limits.
My Mom is probably the single most clueless human being I've ever met. And I've traveled a lot. She was gaslit by her family and then my father. She is 79 now and finally starting to realize that she was trained to gaslight herself to match the family bullshit.
My mom might beat yours
I don’t know you or your situation but seeing an adult child online proclaiming the victim hood of their parent sends alarm bells off in my head. I start to wonder about weaponized incompetence, covert narcissism, or at the least codependency. I came into my husband’s family where everyone felt the need to protect his mother because she is delicate or not very smart. This dynamic kept her from being held responsible for anything. When we choose to have children, we no longer get to be the victim because the welfare of our children depends on us standing up for ourselves and them. Just a thought. I could definitely be wrong.
How incredibly sad. Never woke up until 79 . 😢
Mine did it on purpose..so I could forgive your mother
You are really a light to this world. Thank you so much for validating crazy making experiences.
Thank you, Jerry. We were the progeny of two Marines who both ran away from home to enlist, so you can make safe assumptions how our home life was. My differentiation may have started in the 2nd grade, when I was purposely remanded to a teacher due to my family background, and I remained in her class for 3rd grade, as well. The turmoil in our family was awful (Dad fighting a war, Mom a full-blown, abusive, suicidal narcissist, no extended family around), but my teacher gave me an outlet, and made it clear life could be, should be different.
So, I began to pray that, if I ever got married, my wife would be Mom's opposite, and I kept praying and meditating on that. Over the years I was blessed with wonderful women who loved me for who I was. None of them were like Mom, and I managed to marry Mom's polar opposite. Even that has it's issues, but our home is a warm loving place, where it appears we are all content, trying to be the best each of us can without comparisons, without envy, without strife.
When I want to regulate my nervous system I know that I can go to one of your videos and they really help to validate my feelings. Thank you so much Jerry for sharing your work ♥️🙏🏽
Hello Sharon
How are you doing today?
Me too. It sure helps since I am not going No Contact (because the Narc really does try to get a response)
Basically, we’re subjectively gas lit. We can’t and don’t trust our own perceptions. We keep attracting the “ imprint” of what happened in childhood. An adult/child. Repeating like a broken record what’s been imprinted on our historical personal and familial template. A perpetual involuntary hellish existence.
Thank you Jerry for your big heart.❤️
I agree with the theory of distortion of subjectivity. The beliefs we have about what the world is like are what control the consciousness. It’s extremely difficult to get to the other side of these beliefs because they define reality.
Thats truth
Its opening for me as well
Thanks again 👍🙏
Its been a journey to heal but I think the way you are putting the puzzle together the real healing will come 😊
19:19 ”and I really do mean resolve it, not just a cognitive awareness of it. That’s not the work. That’s prep. But you have to do the work of resolving. Oftentimes if we detach from the thing causing the shame, say family of origin, then that shame can begin to resolve too. If you begin to detach, not “cut off”, cut off is to remain immature, detach is to grow up.“
Jerry you really knocked me out of my worry spiraling I had going on thank you so much
Thank you for writing this quote here so others can read it as well.
And you are very welcome, thank you for watching
What if the thing causing shame is religious beliefs? I mean you wouldn't cut off from God?
Ooh! Southern Indiana!! I used to ride bikes and mountain bikes all over that area - and gravel roads in HNP. Such a peaceful and beautiful place. There’s also still geodes in old creek beds… a little kid taught me how to find geodes vs rocks in creek beds in exchange for if I would be the adult and open them with a chisel + hammer. It was awesome!!
Dziękujemy.
I lived far away from my mother and family for 16 years . Then I moved back closer , 3 hours from family.
My mom was 80 then , and I really wanted to try to give it my best shot.
Holidays we are there . I threw an 80 th birthday for my worst narc , my mom .
So after two thanksgivings, and Christmases It seemed as if my family was being ok .
Then , this past Christmas , my Mom put me down like I always remember her doing , and I was severely traumatized from that moment. She teamed up with my brother to put me down and call me crazy , and I cannot describe what it did to me. You would think after 16 years away it wouldn’t impact me but it does.
Needless to say, I’m back no contact until they put her in the ground. She is a Horrible person .
She even made sure that my husband wasn’t with me when she said this to me . She asked me , is Rick w/ you ? I said no, and then she started her usual put downs .
Is that not crazy. She would never try to look bad in front my husband. Remember , her goal is to make me look bad to everybody .
It’s par for the course, eventually they will continue to be who they have always been.
I had the same dynamics. She is gone, now, and because of relentlessly cruel siblings, I did not attend her funeral. She was 1k miles away, anyway. Time does not change these people; they never change.
My father was the worst, or at least I thought so when I was a kid. Then I had a huge trauma in my life, he was horrendous but my mother has been worse. It hit me hard that she is was kept me in the toxic system and kept me subjugated. I could have forgiven her but after years of trying it just drove me crazy. I was hurting so bad because of what happened and it brought up a wave of past trauma. What did she do, she denied it all and darvo'd me or stone walled. It hit me what she has always been like. Now her favourite thing is to say "I can't do that psychological stuff", "I can't understand why anybody would want to talk about their childhood", "I could have managed them", my d.v. nex, "go for a walk", I'm chronically ill due to medical trauma. The same woman I wanted to protect from my father, to do things she liked, to try and be what she wanted. All she had to do was be there at this critical time. Instead she threw me under the bus for the LAST time! What's funny is she moans about him to me. My answer, "I can't do anything about that".
From Al-Anon, I've learned over the years that not only does an alcoholic have to be free from others' control (help) in order to actually own his/her own sobriety and relationship with God, but also, as an Al-Anon, I have to own my ideas, integrity, and relationship with God in order to be ok and to grow. It's been a real process to let go of grown children and allow them their own too in all areas of their lives. That's actually harder, but it's just the truth. Two of my three have been through their own fires and come out more than ok. The third one used grandchildren to get what she wanted on both sides of the family and now is having to figure it out because I've learned to let her. Prayer and my relationship with God is what saves me in this process. It's not all or nothing in any case, but the guidance from God in live and let live is crucial as is His support for both of us. The two I had to let go of much earlier are doing well, and we have good relationships with mutual love and respect. The other one has been harder because she didn't want to let go of my 'support'. That 'surrport' has been a trap in my own family of origen for my brother and sister with terrible results. Now my mother is trying to lay a guilt trip on me for not doing that with my third one. The good news is that I'm going to God for clarity and direction instead of to my mother and the family enmeshment.
Hello Beth
How are you doing today?
I too have found Al-Anon very helpful.
Thank you so much.
I shared this video today on Facebook and on LinkedIn. I think it has some important messages for individuals in both personal and professional contexts. I am so glad to have come across your work, Jerry.
Hello Dorothy
How are you doing today?
I shared too❗️
Exactly the description I used when I think about my life growing up and now the relationships in my life. “I” don’t exist. Those people have built in their own minds who I am based on what they want me to be and when I don’t align in their created ideal of me, they experience some sort of cognitive dissonance. It shakes up their sense of reality. It’s like when the scape goat try’s to self differentiate in moments of courage and the family then creates some form of intervention to try to get you back in line with the family persona that they need to maintain for their own version of sanity.
Very well said. Exactly my experiences.
Omg, I can truly relate to what you said.
So very true in my experience.
To my mom I am emotionless and have no anger. The very few times that I do express my anger I get yelled at and criticized for it. She is shocked that I have emotions. I just choose to rarely show my emotions because I know she is going to have a negative reaction.
The bent antenna analogy is so helpful and completely resonated with me. I also found your tennis court analogy in previous videos when you've explained enmeshment extremely helpful. These 2 concepts are life changing. Thank you Jerry so very much, you're kindness, compassion and hard work are very much appreciated.
This is the exact pick-me up knowledge i needed especially coming off the brutal holidays that dredge up all these negative feelings.
❤ Great video!!! ❤
Wow our grandiose impact on the others..that answered a lot of my own questions. I end up feeling guilty for the whole world. This is gold.
Love your simple explanations Jerry and especially your examples. I learned a lot about self differentiation. I’m feeling empowered to re establish my current boundaries with a more compassionate approach such as communicating with family on a filtered - my emotional needs before theirs basis. Not cut off. Still being open to interacting with them but in a growing me towards feeling respected and appreciated. Thanks 🙏🏼 again!
Thanks 😊 Jerry Happiest 2023 to you and your family.
I've spent the last year differentiating myself. I have detached. I'm at peace but have lost a good majority of my family in the process. It's one of the most painful experiences of my life, and I've had a few. I don't know what kind of future I will have with my son and my family of origin, they all think I'm the crazy one. Thank God I have my daughter who sees the truth. She knew before I did about my family members being narcissistic. I have accepted what they think of me, I'm just going to be me. My advice for anyone who wants to do a session with Jerry is to make sure you know what you want to walk away with. I mostly spoke for an hour because I was so glad to talk to someone who understood. I really wanted feedback instead of me talking for an hour.
I’m in a similar situation. My Mother is a severe covert narc and turned my family against me and only on. Now he is a malignant narcissist. My Mother’s severe abuse ruined my life, cause me terrible physical problems and I am disabled now from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have been low contact with her and my Son but the attacks still occur. I am contemplating No contact with both. They cause me heartache and cause me horrible stress. My Mom got her hooks in my son at a young age and made him her son and soured him against me. It’s been the worst thing in my life.
@@wearitlikeadiva❤️ to you. I didn't, couldn't have kids cuz my mom would have done same.
Holiday World looks/sounds/feels like it’d be magical Jerry.
I’d love to see it.
Thank-you so much Jerry. It is clear - if we get on well with our family we like to stay with them for Christmas. But if they try to suppress, manipulate... us - we prefer to stay away. I also suffered from very difficult and dysfunctional surroundings ...and still suffer from this instilled guilt and shame, etc. It is like a brain washing...
That bent antennae analogy! That one is going to stick. Loved it.
Every word was helpful. Thank you, Jerry.
I’m glad it was helpful Hannah❤️
@@jerrywise always very helpful
The Chinese have a saying
一字千金
One word = 1000 gold
Where the language expression is so good that neither a word could be added or removed, even if a thousand gold reward is offered
That’s how Jerry’s levels of explanations are
I love that concept of being ok with doing something poorly at first. The systems feeling tell me not to do something or ask because failure but eventually you get it
Hey, back to nature! Great to see you make another old school video!
Trusting inner thoughtful awareness". "Starting poorly". Love it. Your videos are always useful. Thank you so much!
You are so welcome Krista
If you ever read this, Mr. Wise. I am greatly appreciating this video and yes, I totally get you on getting the most helpful tips. Your speech wasn't as structured (as I am taking notes for myself) but all what was said is a new, helpful ways for me, and there is a lot to learn from! Thank you so much! I am watching your videos daily and subscribed. Thinking about you from Sydney.
Thank you for all
Of your videos. I feel like I’ve been validated. This is giving me the ability to move through this.
I’m not sure why, I was stuck and couldn’t get to the next level of healing. Thank you!!!!
Hello, fellow Hoosier! Your videos are really helping me in the healing process, so thank you. 😊
Beautiful place, so peaceful. Happy new year🎉
It really was a peaceful place. Happy new year!
As I was listening to this video Jerry I was thinking of several examples in my life over the past year that were very similar to some of your examples and I'm so proud of how far I have come in my healing, growth and maturing.💛 My favorite take away is the reminder that we can only control ourselves, thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions and everyone else has to deal with their own.💛 Excellent video Jerry. You have such a calming presence and you teach us in ways that are identifiable and easy to understand. As always thank you and God bless your wise heart and soul.🙏🕊️😊🫶
So very helpful thankyou!!
Thank you Jerry. Perfect timing and as always, very insightful. I plan to reach out to you soon. Thanks for the contact info and for another helpful video. Stay blessed. Sending you a hug 🫂
This was very eye-opening. As always. Thank you for sharing.
Wishing you a blessed, healthy and happy 2023 Jerry. Your voice is so reassuring to all of us healing into maturity and self differentiation , heartfelt THANK YOU!
( what a glorious setting!🦉🌿! Thank you for sharing it w us)
“Forgive the example..” 😂 it’s cool
I am an adult child of an alcoholic and a covert narcissist.
I am sorry Irina that these are your parents. I hope my videos help you become for yourself the parents you deserve
The birds sound like Atlanta.
3:00 subjective awareness, self-annihilation, injury to awareness
What a beautiful place 🌳💚🌲🌿🍀🦚🦜🍍☀️🌻🌸
My 'self' is what triggers my mum
Hello Dr.Kim, all women here in Europe are like this.
You are really normal or I'm autistic.
The older you get the more you try to find explanations for everything. But that is for sure the menopause.
Stay healthy and thank you for your video!
Thank you very much, Jerry!!! This discussion offers so much on so many levels! And, oh what a lovely sound to hear the birds in the background! 😊
Hello Jennifer
How are you doing today?
Yes. This is something I am working on.
I am so appreciated that God sending you and your videos to my life as a therapist in my most difficult times. This is True love from God
Thank you.
You’re very welcome
you always very helpful, Santa Claus Jerry. 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈❤❤❤❤❤❤❤Thank you so much
Thank you for that timely excellent video. Which book do you recommend for Family Systems?
Cut off is unhealthy; detachment is healthy🙂
💯
Right after I became mildly upset at hearing my gone-no-contact-with-not-lightly sister in the background on a phone call with my mother, I tuned in to hear Jerry say, 'feeling guilty about not going to Christmas at mother's is systems guilt.' It made me wonder if my frustration with my sister is systems frustration. Or do I own it?
Fantastic once again!
I’m glad it was helpful 😊
Cut off it to survive. There's no point in having contact with a mother who is incapable of loving me. If she can't be my mother, what purpose is having a toxic person around. She also started doing the same BS to my daughter at 6 months old, she discarded her. I couldn't protect myself but I can protect my kids.
Bless you Dr Wise❤
I feel the mosquitos in this video
this video was so uncomfortable but so true as I resonated with everything you said. I'm so grateful that you and your channel are on UA-cam Jerry. your work in these videos are a blessing for me. thanks again and much appreciated as always.
I found this video very helpful. I still don't know how to get detached and free from the often absurd messages and judgements that enter my mind in my mother's or brother's voice. They are like a constant nuisance noise pollution. A therapist I worked with years ago said to me,. when I told her the things that would enter my head, "That is not YOUR voice. That is YOUR MOTHER'S voice.". Why, at age 70, years after my mother has died, does her chattering nonsensical critiques of everyone and everything that seems not to fit with her narrow and sheltered attitudes about what is right and proper continue to plague me? Can you guide me to a resource such as a book or video that will help me get free of this nuisance? I don't want to have an inner dialogue and debate to justify my separateness or clarify my own beliefs and adult choices to someone who can't understand them and isn't even alive anymore! I have gone my own way from my messed up narcissistic family system many years ago. There has been no contact except for an email exchange after my son's death four years ago with my brother who told me I had broken my mother's heart and that he thinks I am a fraud. There has been no contact since that. I have lived a good and decent life. I got an education, I worked hard, I treated people with kindness and consideration. My choice to move away, to change my religion, to pursue advanced degrees and a career that made them think I was somehow trying to be "better" than them.... Those evidently "broke my mother's and grandfather's hearts", according to my brother. I need to let go of this at a deeper level. I don't rationally think of myself as having done anything against anyone. But it seems that their judgements and words still echo in my head and it's like my mother's. critical opinion on absolutely everything and everyone is living in my brain like some phantom insane chatterbox I can't shut up!
I would really like some suggestions about this. I cannot afford any type of therapy or counselling at all now. Only maybe buy a book.
I have found the support of others in the Al-Anon program very helpful as well as doing journaling on the negative beliefs and working on inner child healing activities. There are also many videos about tapping techniques that help our brains process the trauma. It definitely is not a one size fits all and I’m still working on it but these are things I can do that are inexpensive.
Hmmm I think I'd have trouble with that😮
8:30 for instance sun circling around the earth- that’s how we perceive it. And it helps our subjective reality.
But then at school they pound our brain with all those Kepler discoveries which disconnects us from trusting our subjectivity.
Great video!
Glad you enjoyed it
has Indiana moved to south hemisphere? I miss those birds singing
GOD helps me pay my bills so human love isn't the most important thing to me. My fam has turned so many ppl against me untill I've learned to be ok without a lot of friends. I have very few friends & very little what I consider family.
How do I get God to help me pay my bills????
❤Thank you ❤
This is good content and I really appreciate it. But I get interrupted about every minute and a half or so with either ad's or being cut off. Then when I find it and bring it back into play, it starts back 8 minutes and I have to find where it cut me off at. Does anyone else have this at all? I don't have this with other channels similar to this channel. I'm wondering what can be done if anything. I apologize if this sounds out of place 😔
I had to pay for a UA-cam subscription to prevent this. I feel like it’s a small price to pay to have uninterrupted access to Jerry’s videos and others like these.
Narcissists want to rob a person of their God given purpose in life. God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit helped set me free from the grip of the narcissist and in the process set me on the path towards my purpose. Psalm 119:105, “ Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”
Jerry, is a very poor memory a sign of childhood trauma? I see memories only in single pictures, not as videos. The pictures I can recall are few.
Same.
I miss my bluejays. 🐦 ❄
I can't help but wonder if you have been approached by those seeking therapy, who have had to spend their whole childhood in a series of foster homes.
Hi Jerry, what do you mean by the "rape" of our objectivity? Both Oxford and Marianne Webster dictionary define rape as sexual assault. Why would you use this word just like that? Note: I am a huge fan of your work, and have even benefitted from personal therapy sessions from you. I still do not appreciate how casually this word is used here.
I have been raped twice..the savage abuse of my "mother" FELT EXACTLY THE SAME...
VICIOUS VIOLATION OVER WHICH I HAD NO CONTROL OR ESCAPE...
ONLY DIFFERENCE ...HERS WENT ON FOR DECADES EVERY DAY
Rape is also theft or violation not related to sex. Maybe read the rest of the definition and etymology
A lot of good ideas.. except the taking the Ex to the women’s center. 😂😂. Ok! Now the laugh is over. . Guess what… there are taxi’s, Uber’s, friends…church resources.. volunteers. etc., or even asking the wife does she have any ideas …the wife might even take her or the two of you together… But, “ Hey dear I am taking my EX to ---. “ I think NOT! I understand you used it as an example to prove a point……but this point has to many emotional hooks!
Some day I will face god so I want to become accountable. it will be about me not they made me do it. work on decent core values.
With all due respect, your intro states that you have been a, 'Relationship Expert' for 40 years. So you were an "Expert' fresh out of school? 🤔
I should say “specialist”
Thank you.