I’ve been married to a nac for 55yrs,I knew he had some kind of condition,but upon research nothing matched up until I came across Dr C. My husband filled all the boxes,I could not leave anything out. Needless to say I have suffered beyond measure with this man. He is reckless,and abusive in every spectrum. The problem has been I was not a healthy person,and able to work,so he always had the upper hand in everything,finances decisions etc. I control nothing,he says I’m in control literally. He is violent,and unpredictable. Dr. C you have been a blessing to me,I’ve learned so much. I know therapy would be a great help to me, I will continue to listen to you,as I feel like I’m validated,and strengthened in all your videos. Thank you,and continue the good work you are doing,u are helping many.
I hope you read this because a lot of folks don’t realize these jerks don’t go after people they don’t feel are in some way weak. Mine was growing up very poor used to a rough hard life and most importantly I’m not smart. I was very pretty but in a special program for youths with serious learning disabilities. Add to it no family behind me just dumb me. Health issues oh they love that! At first then your a burden. Pretty but dumb oh yes please until your nothing but a burden an embarrassment “Take you? No im afraid of what you’ll say and embarrass me” They use these shortcomings we had no control over to keep us weak and afraid and it works! Me? Im too dumb and now old to work You? You can’t work with your health issues and what about health care? Scary thought right? Yep
Applying for permanent disability and getting approved for it due to your chronic disability or informers will provide you an independent source of income and Healthcare. Seek out free legal aid and/or social services to aid you getting yourself better situated and removed from your current abusive environment. Be strong and have faith. Wishing you only the best.
Stay strong. Just ignore whatever he says Don't answer him back. You will never win a verbal argument. Just be silent. If he becomes violent, call the police and press charges. There are places for abused people to seek shelter.
Thank you Dr. C! You have been are continue to be instrumental in my recovery from severe narcissistic abuse. I love you for your kindness and understanding, and the way you have of explaining things regarding narc abuse so clearly.
I define who I am and Im ok being me. Great "Team Healthy," statement to live by. Thanks Dr. Carter. So grateful you came along in my life at this specific time.❤
It's not my delivery, it's the narcissist's pathological defensiveness--Thank you so much, Dr. C! I have worked so hard on my communication skills that I got training in conflict resolution for intimate relationships by clinical psychologists and volunteered in non-profits for years. Taught in seminars and facilitated support groups. 20+ years of trying hard to make my marriage better. Now I am still gaslit, accused, and guilt-tripped while trying to talk to my religious, narcissistic husband about his long history of infidelity...Still no apology, just more gaslighting(He does not even remember those events!). It's really not me. I feel like someday, I will be standing in front of God's big white throne with a clean conscience about leaving this marriage.
You're exactly correct, it's not you. My situation is along the same lines about the narcissist not apologizing and not remembering. I had been in "no contact" with my narcissistic mother for 11 years, but the "no contact" was broken for a month last year when my father passed away at age 90. During that month, my mother and I talked about "her" life prior to her marriage to my late father. I managed to steer the conversation toward questions about why she abused me as a child, and she said she admitted she "made a few mistakes like every other parent". When I brought up the details of multiple different abusive events over the years, her one and only response was always, "I believe you, but I don't remember" to everything she didn't want to talk about. And I have since learned, maybe she doesn't really remember because narcissists are in such a habit of lying to themselves and everyone that their lying and denial of accountability is a habit, a part of who they are. She may have legitimately forgotten, because from her perspective, it wasn't like her abuse brought devastation on her like it did to me, she was abusive simply because it was a day ending in "y".
Thank you, Dr. C. Great offerings this week for all of us on Team Healthy. ( and it's only midweek) You are so generous with your gifts, your experience, and golden nuggets of knowledge that help us along our healing path. Your passion of non-stop assistance, guidance, and coaching are inspiring. Prayers that you continue on your path of helping us all! Did I say thanks? I really mean it!
My heart go out to the person who is grieving and feels guilty over the Narcissist Mother's death. In 1999 II had to walk away from my Mom too. The drama, chaos, triangulating with siblings and ALOT more. She died in 2002. She used me to Serve her for years. My Dad was alcoholic and never available emotionally to her. She unloaded her pain on me for years. I detached emotionally from her through my emotional work in Alanon. When she died, I had very little grief a few years for a relationship I never had with her as a daughter and a mother would normally have. Was truly relieved that she was gone. I hope she found peace, because in life she had none and would allow anyone else to be in peace I will be praying for you!!!
Same, my mother is currently 89 but I have already grieved her passing in every way possible -- starting in childhood. When I was small, she enjoyed my confused reactions when she yelled at me about things I didn't understand. When that high wore off, she began yelling for much longer -- up to five hours while my dad was at work. Originally it made me break down and that was when she would stop, but later I "zoned out" (like PTSD in a small child) and that infuriated her. So then she took me to funeral homes to see the bodies of people we didn't know, just to see me cry over their death. Then she used my new fear of her dying by pretending to die in the middle of yelling at me, falling pretending to be unconscious and unresponsive, to get that "high" she wanted from my terror. Later I told my dad (she kept her abuse a secret from him) and he told me the next time she fell down pretending to be unconscious, lift up her skirt and say you're getting the camera to take a picture. She woke up very fast when I did that, realizing that it would never work again. But by that time, I had grieved her death many times. I was only seven.
A hamburger? Lmbo I bought myself some art supplies To get back into some hobbies I used to enjoy & starting to enjoy some of the things I'd gave up. Starting to enjoy the "Old me" again 😇
I have found channels run by narcissists who are getting therapy very useful. The shock I felt when listening to the way they look at the world was extremely useful. It meant I had to do radical acceptance all over again.
Wow. Inspiring story about how you overcame a narcissist’s judgement and marginalization of your future too. Love these sessions Dr. C. They are sooooo valuable and appreciated.
Thank you for another great podcast dr Carter❤ your wisdom and loving assistance on our healing journeys is invaluable. You are our Angel. ❤ God bless you❤
Caught the live late, just watched from the beginning. You help me describe or put words to what I'm feeling and that's so empowering. Thanks for another great one.
I am so grateful that I took your Free to Be course in August as you opened the gate to set me free. It's unbelievable to have myself back again - and have dealt with how I never saw that Mack truck narcissist headed right for me!
I so relate to what you say, and I'm all for the experiential comments in here. I can add that if I happen to see the narcissist(s) out in public or get reminded in some way after so many years, there he is in my dream when I go to sleep. In the dream when he starts to invade my boundaries I will confront him and be so successful at it that my sense of confidence is restored!
Listening to this is helpful, but so very difficult. I have to breathe deeply through it as it brings up so much for me that I have lived/ continue to experience in some regards. Thank you, Dr. C. ❤
I understand how difficult it is. Keep at it. One deep breath at a time. You have found this channel and this good doctor for the right reason. Tune in with your open heart, trust him, but most importantly, trust yourself. The past, and today, made you YOU. Stay with Team Healthy, and your tomorrows can turn into pleasant peace. Stay strong on your path. You can do it! You are not alone.
Thank you so much, Dr. Carter. All your videos are incredibly helpful. You are a one of a kind individual with amazing kindness, generosity and intelligence around these difficult topics. Blessings and much love always, Khatera
Thank you Dr. C! You have been are continue to be instrumental in my recovery from severe narcissistic abuse. I love you for your kindness and understanding, and the way you have of explaining things regarding narc abuse so clearly.❤❤❤
Data gathering- watch your back! I couldn't see the forest for the trees until AFTER the fact. Took a year of self work to get get "clean" from being played.
Dr C, Can you PLEASE answer my question next time? I have had to go NC with not only both my lifelong abuser parents (physical abuse in childhood, mental, verbal & all the covert abuses in my adulthood) about 6-7 years ago. Very glad I did. But their continuing lies & smear campaign since I went NC, abetted by my enmeshed, codependent, “parent idolizing/rewriting history” siblings-lies/denial-resulted in them turning EVERYONE in my extended family, lifelong friends of the family, church friends..against me. (Yeah. The abusers & allies falsely claim to be “Christians”!) A very violent attack on me, my husband & even our dog was the red line causing me to finally go NC! But even with MUCH evidence of their violence, everyone still ran to the sides of my abusers. Most KNOW they’ve been lifelong abusers. Many witnessed it. To them, I was to “blame” for being so rotten & unforgiving in cutting out lifelong toxic violent “family” (my “poor elderly parents!”) from my life for my safety & sanity & my husband’s. So I went NC with all the abusers’ enablers and allies too. But now, years later, I’m STILL left pretty much isolated in life except for my wonderful husband. We are long retired and my “abuse-accepting clan” was our main social circle that we tolerated for decades. We can’t seem to make new friends at our older age! No work acquaintances. People have their set units of friends & family & aren’t open to new people so much. So I’m feeling like I got the PUNISHMENT of ostracization by going NC & the abusers & enablers have each other as a large social circle & have lost nothing. No accountability or real consequences for them! NC had to be done with these toxic people but It really stings that I’M the one suffering loneliness (even as I enjoy my peace now that their poison is gone). Any help? Ideas? On how to cultivate new friendships? We of course are wary now. Lots of red flags seen so far in the attempts we’ve made to be open to new people! Are we destined to be alone forever? We are homebodies which makes it harder. Please, any help???
I can emphasize! My older sister is a narcissist and has fooled many people including other siblings and friends. They are really good at it. Growing up and into adulthood adulthood she was abusive to me. My family didn't get it. I was in my 40's when I finally found a counselor who understood. I've been NC with her for over 20 years. I know how hard it can be, but your sanity and health matter.
ZJ, SJ, You can start right here with Team Healthy chat & commenters. We are all over the planet, and I’ve made effort to actually meet nearby members. Others have connected with me via email and texting. Start slow, looking for green flags. I hit the jackpot at church and with an addiction recovery ministry connected to it. We all go out together for dinner and laughter every Friday night, and we are currently nearly filling the pizza place with around 40 people. It has become a highlight of my week. Watch to see where other’s comment their location, perhaps you can connect. BTW, I’m in S Central Pennsylvania/USA.
They will all have to stand before God. Any loneliness here is worth the price of peace. They all are likely miserable people. Pretending to be happy and pretending to have peace is not the same thing as actually having peace. Your sanity is worth too much! I have found many friends who understand the dynamics of toxic family in the Al-Anon program. It’s the one place I feel I truly fit in and I have made some amazing friend there.
@patriciasadlertrainor6771 Thanks for your validating reply. I am sorry you had to face this same scourge of malignant narcissism and the harm it does to a person. I wish you well on your healing journey. Praying for you!
@@dnk4559Thank you for the wisdom in your kind reply! I definitely am helped by KNOWING 100% that ALL my abusers, malignant harmful narcissists and ALL their allies and enablers who willingly stood with them and their evil WILL one day stand before Almighty God and be judged by Him and I will be avenged by Him perfectly for EVERY EVIL act, word, thought, motive, intention…Oh, they will try their lies and fakery on Him! Lol. And He will say, “Depart from me!! I NEVER knew you!!” And cast them into the lake of fire along with the god of this earth-satan-who they CHOSE to follow. To those of us who do not get justice for the harms done to us on earth, we will hear the Words of our God say to us, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” And we will get our justice and rewards for our true good hearts and honest, kind, helpful…earthly life! And He will bring us into His eternal Kingdom. THAT makes it all tolerable and worth the wait! Stay strong, brother! God bless.
tHANK YOU! eXACTLY my story.Their ruthless lies and activities remain in my memory. I would often say to my self that they would never turn on me. I reman breathless at times at the darkness produced....Thanks.
THank you Dr. C, you have helped me so much and opened my eyes and strengthend me, yes, it is what it is, it's a sad reality. I grow up with a narcisstic mother, who also had an alkoholic problem, some day she decided to make a cut and our contact ended for about 10 Years = silent treatment, than she came in with Hello here I am and lovebombing, but I try to keep the door close, she is like a storm and I must protect me, now she is old and ill, but' hasn'tt chanced and hasn't take responsibility for anything. IT'S not easy to keep the door closed, because that's not me. I' m a christian, I'm a follower of Jesus, I had to learn to take this mother, this storm and bring it to him, because he knows how to deal with storms. You helped me to go along to deal with the problem of narcissem. Sorry, my english is not the best, I am from Germany. All my best wishes to you, you are a blessing for a lot of people, I'm one of this. 😊
I ❤️ what you said: " IT'S not easy to keep the door closed, because that's not me. I' m a christian, I'm a follower of Jesus, I had to learn to take this mother, this storm and bring it to him, because he knows how to deal with storms." Same for me with my mom. Thank you for your beautiful description of allowing Jesus to handle our storm. It really helped me 🥰 (And your English is just fine 😊)
Always big thank you Dr. C. For me, this topic is a continuing working through. My mom and son's wife are the 2 in my life; mom has long passed, son's wife and son, they said no more contact and now going on 6 yrs. still none, but it does get better and I know will continue to get better for me. Memories of one sort or another, frequent and not so freguent are triggers. When they arise, I find a way to distract my thoughts. I think of past comments Dr. C. has said and I have almost memorized many, of which I will dwell on those. I do lots of praying and giving my emotions to God. I do sense healing taking place in me, and I do find I do not get angry as quick or as often. Anger comes when others speak of their grandchildren and involved in their lives. We have not seen ours in almost 6 years. When the separations were first, there was much brokeness in me, it hurt so deep, but now, it has lessened so much and I am now truly thankful for the separation, as it has caused me to reflect on many things that happened in those relationships, and see that these ones are so mentally sick. They will not change unless they truly see their issues and desire change with help. My mom never did and I do not hold out much hope for son's wife, although I keep them in prayer. As for my grandchildren, I write positive letters to them, never of the ongoing issues, and store them in a box in my home. It does help me. In Joy
If I could get it out of my head maybe I would learn to cry. I wasted my life with a covert malignant who made it his mission to torture me. When I clued in the reveal was I loved him, therefore I deserved whatever he could get by with behind my back.
Trigger guards vs. Trigger discipline. A trigger guard is a fixed piece of metal that protects the trigger from being bumped and cause an unwanted firing. An example can be merely distance, and carefully avoiding something that might cause you to bump that trigger. Trigger discipline is where the weapon bearer intentionally places an outstretched finger near, but intentionally AWAY from the trigger. The safety is off, but it requires intentional movement to pull that trigger, AFTER taking aim at the intended target. An example of this is to respond, not react. Another would be practicing DRC.
@@Teacher369 I’ve dealt with a few long-term trolls, and currently have 3 blocked to keep them out of my channel. 2 seem to have wandered off, and the third made an appearance in comments recently (like last week or so). I can sometimes tell that comments listed don’t add up to the ones I see. Then I see other TH replying to them by name, chiding them for insensitive comments. Those replies prove that they’ve been here, stirring up the pot. I’ve also noticed the occasional commenters who charge Dr. C with being a narcissist himself. I also note that their comments get no likes, nor does Dr. C ever reply. Grey rock works, & Dr. C proves it.
Question: Why are we the ones who always have to "handle" these people with kid gloves??? I listen to your videos all the time and you give such helpful advice (thank you!), but I notice how it's always "us," the empaths who have the real responsibility of trying to heal these broken relationships. At what point does the narcissist get their comeuppance? Do they not have to take their share of the blame for what they've done? Or is it just that there's no point in bothering with them because they are never going to change????
Your only responsibility is to yourself, to heal yourself and to maintain your own health. It is the same for narcissists, except they often won't even admit to themselves that they have any issues, so they don't take on their responsibility to fix their own issues. That's not your responsibility.
The damage narcs cause is unreal. The agony they put others through is horrible. They don't care, they don't get it. Watch t.v. and see how many parents have had their children murdered and they have had to live with that torment. The person who did it just doesn't care. Even sitting in jail a lifetime doesn't change them. They wreck havoc on lives and people who have hearts. So sad. How to live with these idiots around us and be happy is easier said than done. We have to learn to that though, because life is meant to be enjoyed in spite of hardships.
@@rg-mi5hh Great point! The damage they cause is unreal, but we are still encouraged to understand their actions and their state of my mind. And this is important! No doubt about it! But the people they hurt are important, too. I think I get angry sometimes because the focus always seems to be on the reasons why (especially when it comes from sources who claim to be self aware - not Dr. C) narcs do what they do and not on the havoc that gets left behind from their destructive behavior. I am so blessed to be in the healing process from my narc's sadistic behavior but there are still some days that the shadows overtake me and it's hard to get past the things that she has done!!!!
Sometimes them new triggers are also gut instincts that the new person is showing similar signs of behaviour,, in my experience it was the new person who was no different from previous relationships.. you are more aware but I’ve learned not to react straight away and store the reason behind it but if you are triggered again and again then it’s Not you!! It’s your awareness ❤
Thank you for this near last question. I am dealing with an elderly covert parent and it is so very challenging some days. I feel badly that I am not able to have mutual respect and communication. It is what it is though and I am choosing to practice extreme self care at this time and support myself. Thanks for your words of advice and wisdom DrC. It’s helping.
It’s been a year since I got out and I won’t stop thinking about it ever. I stayed with the narcissist because that was the only way I could be in the family. He got way worse with age and alcohol. I have figured everything out but my problem is he was so Covert and I was too dumb to see it. If everything is a mental manipulation to take all your resources, including the family, he wins and I lose. You would have thought I would have known better; both my parents were narcissists, but different kinds.
I'm convinced my wife is a narcissist. As a result and based on a decade of experience, I feel I can't rely on her to budget, clean up after herself, arrive or complete tasks with kids on time. As a result, I find myself doing far more micromanaging than I'd like. She often won't respond when I speak, not just requests, so I find myself repeating myself often, raising my voice, and being generally short tempered, and I don't like it. I am concerned that I am taking on narcissistic traits like micromanaging. Have others had this experience, and how did you deal with it? Please don't tell me I need to leave the narcissist. I already know that, and am working on it.
It's hard dealing with a narcissist partner and not responding when you speak to them is common with the more covert type of narcissist. Another sign is they can give you the "silent treatment" if they are really annoyed with you. You can't always rely on them and you may not feel a sense of comfort or safety when you are around them, narcissists female and male can have similar traits. If you find yourself micromanaging it may be because you are the more organised one and like a sense of order narcissists are not particularly good at that one.
My reply is heavily assuming that she is sabotaging the tasks on purpose for whatever crazy reason may be, rather than if she is truly incompetent. What she has been doing seems so passive-aggressive that it sounds like all kinds of frustration is being transferred to you, and now you are getting fed up to the point that you are getting sick of it all and reacting to the frustration. It doesn't sound like she is working with you to make the situation any better. Narcissists enjoy your frustration when they have manipulated the situation for you to be involved with cleaning up the messes they make. Like an infant in a highchair who learns that if she throws her spoon on the floor, you as the adult will pick it up for her. Again, and again, and again. Do you see where I'm going with this? You need to find a way to take care of "you" and your own mental health. Maybe let her mess up and deal with the consequences entirely on her own, provided that it wouldn't result in disaster. If I were in your situation, my first idea would be to detach from her psychologically "except" when she is doing something the correct way. You've got to do something other than picking up the spoon each time she throws it on the floor. I hope I have inspired ideas that will help you resist the frustration and have moments of peace so that you are not in a constant state of miserable vigilance. You must take care of you before you can take care of anyone else.
@@guru47pi You just described my female ex narc to a T. Silent treatment is where you start to go crazy. You crave the love they used to give you. You end up begging. As soon as this happens they devalue you because it gives them power to see how much you depend on them. I wish you luck. Don’t go down the road I did. It was hell.
Thank you dr C. for your explanation of confidence and how to practice it. I grew up with highly narcisist, abusive alkoholic mother and could not grasp the concept of self- confidence. I hear over and over that I am not cofident enough and I came to conclusion that it holds me back but I could not figure out how to help myself. Your explanation and advice is inspirational as always. Thank you!
Same with me! I think my confidence suffered because all the gaslighting, sabotage, silent treatment & emotional abuse made me question and doubt myself. I understand that is common among children of narcissistic parents. Believe in you 💕
Being with a narcissist is like watching VHS Tapes , Stop, Rewind, Play. They can’t change that roller coaster ride that they take you on. Stop the ride I want to get off now. Bye Bye Bullies.
It's funny how they can bring things up at the most inopportune moments just to humiliate or embarrass you! And most of the time it's things that have happened years in the past. My narc brought up the fact that I'd gotten sick in her car after I came out of the ICU. She actually took me to the spot where it occurred and pointed out what had happened. I'm not sure why she couldn't understand that I was on a lot of new medications (each with its own side effects) and that each would make me sick on its own. Perhaps she didn't care! Narcissists love anything that make other people seem inferior to who they are ...
Oh yeah, that's my father. He thinks it's hilarious to bring things up and laugh. If I did the same to him he would throw a fit. Only way I've found around it is to not give any emotion
The "what are people going to think about me", 33:39 mark. I have never cared about what others think about myself. They can take a rolling donut from a short pier for all I care.
I found the question about self identified Narcissists on platforms like this one very interesting. I have seen a couple of them and tentatively opened their videos. What I found almost immediately is the discomfort I feel in my body and mind after only a couple of minutes of listening and watching. These people just bring out a really disturbing feeling to me. There is this 1 guy (I won't name him) that qualifies himself as a professor. I highly doubt he actually has this title legitimately but even if he does ...to me he is just creepy. I avoid any and all so-called "self-aware" Narcissists and their created content. Thank you for validating these thoughts, Dr. Carter.
I think I know who you're talking about. He was the first person I found when searching the internet over 20 years ago for narcissism help. He creeped me out then, still does.
Aw the guilt is just your empathy and love and compassion that you have no matter how your mother was be proud of yourself I’ve been through this myself and I cared for my evil mother until her death hopeful she would apologise for her and her husband’s abuse and how she protected him rather than her little girls and she would always conflict violence upon me I was a tomboy and I would always stand up to her abuse knowing she would hit me again but I didn’t care and called her husband out when he died and she played the victim pretending she wasn’t aware of it 😮 I found that grief very hard and she didn’t ever show love or affection but I always give it back to everyone else only her and I couldn’t even hug her on her death bed .. I carried guilt and it made me angry with myself because I didn’t know what I was feeling.. happy that she had finally gone and I don’t need to wipe her backside basically and watch her pretend to be this popular funny woman people see her as , and then anger that she never even apologised after watching me suffer from wanting to end my life and many counselling sessions I attended and watching me suffer violence in relationships but not one bit of empathy towards me.. I felt guilty I was feeling I was glad she was dead ,, now I don’t carry anger and guilt towards her and him I just realised that a narcissistic person will never change and I thank them for my strength and knowledge that you are fighting a loosing battle in a relationship with one.. never give them a second chance no matter how hurt your feeling and it’s easy to give into their pathetic crocodile tears I’ve been there but.. not anymore.. sending love and light to this person regarding their pain and guilt ❤
They also have a way to manipulate your reason for telling them you wasn’t comfortable with that situation but they have already discovered about your past relationship and the behaviour and abuse you have been subjected to.. so BINGO in their minds is they can make you feel like you’re comparing everything to someone else who has deeply hurt you and your not fully healed., even though I usually take a few years apart with relationships and know when I feel strong enough and healed from that past trauma.. they will always try and make you feel paranoid and they are not your enemy only hear to love and help you.. I’ve been through this many times but it doesn’t wash with me and I say no it’s your behaviour right now that has insulted and upset me.. I will never back down to that intimidation so they feel better about themselves,, I just tried not to react and then I was ignorant and rude,, nearly 54 and I can’t believe at this age I am realising it is how they are born and age doesn’t come into a narcissistic person 😂
My nac is my grandson’s mother, when I try to find a day to visit . She said not Saturday that their family day and most Sundays he has a birthday party or game to go to, Mon thur Fri school. I took her to court she had a paid lawyer who said it up to her just text 48 hour before coming. Well last time she took 9 days before tell me he don’t want to see me. So I took her back to court this time she text back sooner but she try to cut my hours with him to 4 hours instead of 6 hour visits. She always refer to me by my first name she is 25, I am 60 years old she talks with no respect. She and my son was only together for a year. He doesn’t see his son at all because at court she told the judge he can’t be there during my visit or no type of contact
Hey Dr. C...when do you go live on here? I'm new to your channel and a new subscriber! and Holy moly I've binged watched your videos so far. Wife of a covert here and really appreciating your insight and advice! Thanks for your time!
I think the cows called a milk DUD basically as fake as the narcissist who pretends to be everything you always wanted in a relationship.. like you want fresh milk everyday 😂 and not sour.. best way I can describe that 😂😂
If a narcissist likes cake, they will see anything as a cake and then help themselves to the whole cake without sharing, while trying to get everyone to sing Happy Birthday.
I think the self aware narcs on YT offer a good perspective, but shouldn't be the only source for healing and recovery. I do think they thrive off the supply of comments and likes, and you need to be careful not to get false hope about your narc, but it is interesting when they're honest and it is eye opening that it is intentional
I'm separated from my narcissistic soon to be ex-husband but I can't get rid of the sometimes overpowering feelings of love for him that I felt during the good times in our marriage. No matter what I do to get rid of those feelings they keep resurfacing and put me in dispare. Help!
Don’t judge your feelings simply accept them & shift the focus of awareness to the fact that they’re not capable of love ❤️🩹 this is the trauma bond & cognitive dissonance, but with time you’ll be able to feel the love was all on your side ❤
It's so hard for me to imagine having a mother who is cruel. I married a narcissist in my teens but my parents cared deeply for their children. I think it was hard for me to understand that someone could think like a narcissist so I missed the signs.
Dr. C was pointed out to me when I started getting real sick and was and still am neglected and alone. Narc. Never apologize care they think they are better than anyone. They only want to use you for the ego and what feeds the ego. I think narcs can raise another narcissist...anybody think that? Thanks dr.c trying to get therapy after being trapped by a narc.
The cow reference is from a riddle posed by someone in the chat in the first ten seconds of the chat replay. The answer to the riddle was not provided, so people are coming up with their own answers. Even Dr. C notices the riddle and mentions it in the first ten seconds of this video.
I’ve been in a marriage for 40 yrs. It slowly got worse. I feel like I’ve become that like of NARISSIS perso. Didn’t evenhink I was like that before. Being fair, honest, considerate. I lived by common sense more than smarts. Now it’s like a spiteful person I’m living with. What’s the difference with a person using common sense & a NARISSIS view??
I cut off my Narcissus over a year ago. I now have an aunt calling my daughter telling her that I need to make up with the Narcissus. No, my daughter has not responded to this aunt. What do I do to stop my aunt without opening the door to the narcissus. Or relay what I say back to them. I did text the aunt and tell her to "stay out of it" that the Narcissus deeply hurt me and my family (daughter). Is this enough?
You don't need to influence what your aunt does or doesn't do. Narcissists can use others to remain informed about what's going on in your life, like using someone to spy on you. Perhaps instead just move forward with the confidence that you have already done the right thing, that you have already made up your mind, and now it's final. There is no more discussion to be had, no more compromise, the chapter is closed. Repeat this very calmly and politely as many times as needed until they get it through their head. It's over, you have moved on, then change the subject to something more pleasant. EDIT: I forgot to add, it really is your aunt's own responsibility to deal with her own disappointment if she doesn't like your answer. You can be nice to her or whatever you think is best, but your decision about leaving the narcissist is final and that is that.
Dr Carter, without getting political, how do you cope with a narcissistic family that has political views which are the polar opposite of your own? Recently in Australia I discovered all my family voted against giving Aboriginal people a Voice to Parliament. This mean-spirited stance I suppose is to be expected of narcissists. But I didn't think they would be this bad towards the most downtrodden people in society. They have always been bad to me, but I didn't think it extended to this group. The saddest thing is that the one nephew I thought I was close to has also voted against. I feel so sad. I guess sometimes the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, and asvDr Orloff says, if there is no empathy I just have to accept that. Would that be right?
You are so right. Just last night my wife and I had a discussion about how politics can be so divisive since it reveals a person's core convictions. I'm amazed by political groups who are very willing to treat others poorly, making it a matter of public policy. That being the case, be you.
I can't get the Narcissist out of my mind when I'm dealing with more than one Narcissist who has their own flying monkeys. I'm not just dealing with the past, family and those involved with a TEDRA CASE. I'm under unusual circumstances in which a Narcissist can have flying monkeys that are for example Truck Drivers. There is a man out here named David and he follows me and watches me. Come to find out that he has known me way before I knew him. He went into my place of work when I was Manager in training in 2017 when I moved back to Vancouver Washington where my mother had her estate. He has always known more about me then I ever have told him. He has been one player that in which caused me a tremendous amount of hell. I have always felt from the day I met him as he walked up to me that something was odd. To the point sometimes very confusing. Today I have no doubt that he is a flying monkey from someone in which it matters. It is very difficult when you are dealing with males who know males who knows those who have serious motive. If that makes any sence without getting too personal. Like you just said "Data Seeking." But that can include data for the purpose of motive. Call me paranoid but I have been pawn to this game long enough to know that's exactly what it's been. I can articulate it today like a paralegal and writing an affidavit but I just need to be able to have the investigative means to look up titles to homes, people who know other people, license plate numbers and addresses. This man took off his license plate and asked me if I ever looked him up. A few years ago and I know he is from Texas and California, land had addressed in battleground and Vancouver. He is soon to be 70 in December but swears his last name is Shortt. The lady who now has title to my mother's large home across from WSU is Angela Woodrow who was born my month of November but 61 or 62. Mine born in year of 1960. She has a relative named David Woodrow soon to be 70 and born in December. Odd don't you think since he has known me and came into a job of mine way before I knew he was around watching me. And if this hasn't been a very huge and crazy pattern that involved other ppl then I would ignore it. My life has been crazy and it's enough to make you think am I being gang stalked here. Or am I suppose to believe I am to appear crazy. It is abuse on a different level.
Oh and I left out that Angela Woodrow is also from San Antonio Texas and California but had been in the military. She flys an American flag on the house and a Canadian flag while I have gone under strange and unusual identity theft in which at one point cleaning pictures of mine said they were from the UK just as I had seen posts about my mom that she was born in the UK. Neither of us have been to another country like this. Then there been added things that involved Germany. This David I'm talking about said he lived in Germany for 17 years. My car in which got delivered to me has writing in the software of the radio that says "street lights of Germany and had no backup Camara in it when I bought it. A huge red flag once again involving David accusing me of backing into a man and saying the PO is coming and that was an old car of mine. Bottom line is this is saying too much already but putting it all together and then some it is very very concerning. I have asked myself am I up against some bad ppl. Does this involve ppl who would be considered Bikers or simply corruption in another way. It's concerning. As I have pulled out of a rest stop with no breaks when David and other men were surrounding my vehicle. I have had slashed tires and a host of things happen to me. I have been slammed into by a woman who speed through a street light giving me a punctured lung and dislocated ribs. I have looked back in hind site and find out individuals knew other individuals from a past. In short put it this way. Recently the trustee said THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR YOU SINCE YOUR MOTHER DIED. ABSOLUTELY.
@@ChristianaBonelliSmith-mo1ox You have posted a lot of information about other people (names, property, locations, etc.) as well as events which are very disturbing. Have you thought about contacting law enforcement or private investigators in your area to help you? There are counseling services (Dr. Carter has recommended one on his channel) that could help you deal with these situations that are very troubling to you. Best wishes for better days in the future.
He said (son) I'm recording everything you say and of course I really didn't know if I was right but I said I don't think you're allowed to record someone without their knowledge He said oh now you're a lawyer. Then I thought to myself ok record because anything I say is really shallow and irrelevant. But the thing is why would you be recording me in my own home. That being said hum what else are you doing?
Hi Dr. C - I was wondering, why do narcissists sometimes make strange, kind of weird, off-the-wall statements, and then sort of blankly, intensely watch for your reaction or response? I don’t get what they are going for, or trying to achieve when they do this.
If a narc hides his bills after you point them out rather than facing them and paying them... do they think that because they have issues with object permanence that everyone does? Clearly he feels entitled not to pay them... but I can't see how he thinks hiding them will stop me from talking about the facts. I'm trying to figure out what I am missing here. It's illogical.
You say it's illogical, and that tells me you understand perfectly. You will not be able to see logic in the illogical, nor rationalize the irrational, nor make sense of the senseless. You take care of you and just keep right on maintaining your own truth. Narcissists have a little video playing in their minds about reality, and to them it is their reality. I don't know that anyone could change that for any narcissist. Please remain sane and keep your own mental clarity.
The only thing I didn't like about this video was that Gus was MIA lol😅 Just kidding. Thank you Dr. I've lost my son's mother/fiancee due to unfortunate circumstances. I've always tried to understand things but I've never been able to understand them in the perspective that you put them in. Words cannot describe how appreciative I am for you putting things into words that I can understand I have never been able to explain myself obviously that's one of the things that we have to deal with. I appreciate every video I've ever watched that you have made. Again from the bottom of my heart Thank you Dr. C. Much obliged.
5. Ex.. The stuff that is coming up for me is... Easy Does It.. How important is it? Live and Let Live.. It is more about being slow and setting good boundaries..
Is synthetic telepathy & v2k harrassment a form of covert/overt manipulation & mind control. Who has the power to FORCE this kind of treatment on someone & how can my family & I be safe...the police, secret society, church, housing etc???
I’ve been married to a nac for 55yrs,I knew he had some kind of condition,but upon research nothing matched up until I came across Dr C. My husband filled all the boxes,I could not leave anything out. Needless to say I have suffered beyond measure with this man. He is reckless,and abusive in every spectrum. The problem has been I was not a healthy person,and able to work,so he always had the upper hand in everything,finances decisions etc. I control nothing,he says I’m in control literally. He is violent,and unpredictable. Dr. C you have been a blessing to me,I’ve learned so much. I know therapy would be a great help to me, I will continue to listen to you,as I feel like I’m validated,and strengthened in all your videos. Thank you,and continue the good work you are doing,u are helping many.
I hope you read this because a lot of folks don’t realize these jerks don’t go after people they don’t feel are in some way weak. Mine was growing up very poor used to a rough hard life and most importantly I’m not smart. I was very pretty but in a special program for youths with serious learning disabilities. Add to it no family behind me just dumb me. Health issues oh they love that! At first then your a burden. Pretty but dumb oh yes please until your nothing but a burden an embarrassment
“Take you? No im afraid of what you’ll say and embarrass me” They use these shortcomings we had no control over to keep us weak and afraid and it works!
Me? Im too dumb and now old to work
You? You can’t work with your health issues and what about health care? Scary thought right?
Yep
Applying for permanent disability and getting approved for it due to your chronic disability or informers will provide you an independent source of income and Healthcare. Seek out free legal aid and/or social services to aid you getting yourself better situated and removed from your current abusive environment. Be strong and have faith. Wishing you only the best.
Ditto
YOu came to the right place. Take care you at all costs!
Stay strong. Just ignore whatever he says
Don't answer him back. You will never win a verbal argument. Just be silent. If he becomes violent, call the police and press charges. There are places for abused people to seek shelter.
Thank you Dr. C! You have been are continue to be instrumental in my recovery from severe narcissistic abuse. I love you for your kindness and understanding, and the way you have of explaining things regarding narc abuse so clearly.
So pleased for you!!
I define who I am and Im ok being me. Great "Team Healthy," statement to live by. Thanks Dr. Carter. So grateful you came along in my life at this specific time.❤
*Thank you* ❣️
(from Italy)
It's not my delivery, it's the narcissist's pathological defensiveness--Thank you so much, Dr. C! I have worked so hard on my communication skills that I got training in conflict resolution for intimate relationships by clinical psychologists and volunteered in non-profits for years. Taught in seminars and facilitated support groups. 20+ years of trying hard to make my marriage better. Now I am still gaslit, accused, and guilt-tripped while trying to talk to my religious, narcissistic husband about his long history of infidelity...Still no apology, just more gaslighting(He does not even remember those events!). It's really not me. I feel like someday, I will be standing in front of God's big white throne with a clean conscience about leaving this marriage.
Plz let go of this situation because it’s not a marriage much less a relationship ❤️🩹
You're exactly correct, it's not you. My situation is along the same lines about the narcissist not apologizing and not remembering. I had been in "no contact" with my narcissistic mother for 11 years, but the "no contact" was broken for a month last year when my father passed away at age 90. During that month, my mother and I talked about "her" life prior to her marriage to my late father. I managed to steer the conversation toward questions about why she abused me as a child, and she said she admitted she "made a few mistakes like every other parent". When I brought up the details of multiple different abusive events over the years, her one and only response was always, "I believe you, but I don't remember" to everything she didn't want to talk about. And I have since learned, maybe she doesn't really remember because narcissists are in such a habit of lying to themselves and everyone that their lying and denial of accountability is a habit, a part of who they are. She may have legitimately forgotten, because from her perspective, it wasn't like her abuse brought devastation on her like it did to me, she was abusive simply because it was a day ending in "y".
@@caroleminke6116 Thank you! My kids said the same thing. I am in the process of letting go ❤
The cow joke is a bulldozer right?
Thank you, Dr. C. Great offerings this week for all of us on Team Healthy. ( and it's only midweek) You are so generous with your gifts, your experience, and golden nuggets of knowledge that help us along our healing path. Your passion of non-stop assistance, guidance, and coaching are inspiring. Prayers that you continue on your path of helping us all! Did I say thanks? I really mean it!
Well said, totally agree!
My heart go out to the person who is grieving and feels guilty over the Narcissist Mother's death. In 1999 II had to walk away from my Mom too. The drama, chaos, triangulating with siblings and ALOT more. She died in 2002. She used me to Serve her for years. My Dad was alcoholic and never available emotionally to her. She unloaded her pain on me for years. I detached emotionally from her through my emotional work in Alanon. When she died, I had very little grief a few years for a relationship I never had with her as a daughter and a mother would normally have. Was truly relieved that she was gone. I hope she found peace, because in life she had none and would allow anyone else to be in peace
I will be praying for you!!!
Same, my mother is currently 89 but I have already grieved her passing in every way possible -- starting in childhood. When I was small, she enjoyed my confused reactions when she yelled at me about things I didn't understand. When that high wore off, she began yelling for much longer -- up to five hours while my dad was at work. Originally it made me break down and that was when she would stop, but later I "zoned out" (like PTSD in a small child) and that infuriated her. So then she took me to funeral homes to see the bodies of people we didn't know, just to see me cry over their death. Then she used my new fear of her dying by pretending to die in the middle of yelling at me, falling pretending to be unconscious and unresponsive, to get that "high" she wanted from my terror. Later I told my dad (she kept her abuse a secret from him) and he told me the next time she fell down pretending to be unconscious, lift up her skirt and say you're getting the camera to take a picture. She woke up very fast when I did that, realizing that it would never work again. But by that time, I had grieved her death many times. I was only seven.
You can not change anyone but you. It's not possible, can not be done, period.
A hamburger? Lmbo
I bought myself some art supplies
To get back into some hobbies I used to enjoy & starting to enjoy some of the things I'd gave up.
Starting to enjoy the "Old me" again 😇
I have found channels run by narcissists who are getting therapy very useful. The shock I felt when listening to the way they look at the world was extremely useful. It meant I had to do radical acceptance all over again.
Wow. Inspiring story about how you overcame a narcissist’s judgement and marginalization of your future too. Love these sessions Dr. C. They are sooooo valuable and appreciated.
Thanks, Robert!
Thank you for another great podcast dr Carter❤ your wisdom and loving assistance on our healing journeys is invaluable. You are our Angel. ❤ God bless you❤
Thank you, Iza.
Gus, too!
I love being with Team Healthy 😊
I'm glad you're on #TeamHealthy too!
Caught the live late, just watched from the beginning.
You help me describe or put words to what I'm feeling and that's so empowering. Thanks for another great one.
Glad it was helpful!
I am so grateful that I took your Free to Be course in August as you opened the gate to set me free. It's unbelievable to have myself back again - and have dealt with how I never saw that Mack truck narcissist headed right for me!
I need it out of my head and it needs me out of its head.
Thank you Dr. Carter for your insight into one of the most difficult aspects of abnormal psychology
You're quite welcome.
I so relate to what you say, and I'm all for the experiential comments in here. I can add that if I happen to see the narcissist(s) out in public or get reminded in some way after so many years, there he is in my dream when I go to sleep. In the dream when he starts to invade my boundaries I will confront him and be so successful at it that my sense of confidence is restored!
Thank you. Rehearse Rehearse
You are awesome dr C. U are a most trusted voice on narcissism. In fact my favorite. Thank u for keeping the wool off our eyes.
👍👍👍
Listening to this is helpful, but so very difficult. I have to breathe deeply through it as it brings up so much for me that I have lived/ continue to experience in some regards. Thank you, Dr. C. ❤
You can do it!
I understand how difficult it is. Keep at it. One deep breath at a time. You have found this channel and this good doctor for the right reason. Tune in with your open heart, trust him, but most importantly, trust yourself. The past, and today, made you YOU. Stay with Team Healthy, and your tomorrows can turn into pleasant peace. Stay strong on your path. You can do it! You are not alone.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you!
@@nancytwigg4631 Thank you! My heart goes out to anyone who has lived through this hell-on-earth.
Thank you so much, Dr. Carter. All your videos are incredibly helpful. You are a one of a kind individual with amazing kindness, generosity and intelligence around these difficult topics. Blessings and much love always,
Khatera
Thank you Dr. C! You have been are continue to be instrumental in my recovery from severe narcissistic abuse. I love you for your kindness and understanding, and the way you have of explaining things regarding narc abuse so clearly.❤❤❤
So pleased for you! Glad to be on the path with you.
Thank you sir
Keep my distance. Spend less time with. Protect my peace, space and spiritual growth.
Valuable presentation and exchange, hope Gus is good.😊
Thanks, Fred, and yes, Gus has had a good day. Weather is absolutely beautiful today in Waco, so we went for 3 walks instead of our usual 2.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Gus is a lucky dog very well taken care of, take care Doc!
I ❤️ Gus!
Data gathering- watch your back! I couldn't see the forest for the trees until AFTER the fact. Took a year of self work to get get "clean" from being played.
Me too. Took me 3 years.
I’m right there with everyone. Grateful for your wisdom
Dr C,
Can you PLEASE answer my question next time?
I have had to go NC with not only both my lifelong abuser parents (physical abuse in childhood, mental, verbal & all the covert abuses in my adulthood) about 6-7 years ago. Very glad I did. But their continuing lies & smear campaign since I went NC, abetted by my enmeshed, codependent, “parent idolizing/rewriting history” siblings-lies/denial-resulted in them turning EVERYONE in my extended family, lifelong friends of the family, church friends..against me. (Yeah. The abusers & allies falsely claim to be “Christians”!) A very violent attack on me, my husband & even our dog was the red line causing me to finally go NC! But even with MUCH evidence of their violence, everyone still ran to the sides of my abusers. Most KNOW they’ve been lifelong abusers. Many witnessed it.
To them, I was to “blame” for being so rotten & unforgiving in cutting out lifelong toxic violent “family” (my “poor elderly parents!”) from my life for my safety & sanity & my husband’s.
So I went NC with all the abusers’ enablers and allies too.
But now, years later, I’m STILL left pretty much isolated in life except for my wonderful husband. We are long retired and my “abuse-accepting clan” was our main social circle that we tolerated
for decades. We can’t seem to make new friends at our older age! No work acquaintances. People have their set units of friends & family & aren’t open to new people so much.
So I’m feeling like I got the PUNISHMENT of ostracization by going NC & the abusers & enablers have each other as a large social circle & have lost nothing. No accountability or real consequences for them!
NC had to be done with these toxic people but It really stings that I’M the one suffering loneliness (even as I enjoy my peace now that their poison is gone). Any help? Ideas? On how to cultivate new friendships? We of course are wary now. Lots of red flags seen so far in the attempts we’ve made to be open to new people!
Are we destined to be alone forever? We are homebodies which makes it harder.
Please, any help???
I can emphasize! My older sister is a narcissist and has fooled many people including other siblings and friends. They are really good at it. Growing up and into adulthood adulthood she was abusive to me. My family didn't get it. I was in my 40's when I finally found a counselor who understood. I've been NC with her for over 20 years. I know how hard it can be, but your sanity and health matter.
ZJ, SJ, You can start right here with Team Healthy chat & commenters. We are all over the planet, and I’ve made effort to actually meet nearby members. Others have connected with me via email and texting. Start slow, looking for green flags. I hit the jackpot at church and with an addiction recovery ministry connected to it. We all go out together for dinner and laughter every Friday night, and we are currently nearly filling the pizza place with around 40 people. It has become a highlight of my week. Watch to see where other’s comment their location, perhaps you can connect. BTW, I’m in S Central Pennsylvania/USA.
They will all have to stand before God. Any loneliness here is worth the price of peace. They all are likely miserable people. Pretending to be happy and pretending to have peace is not the same thing as actually having peace. Your sanity is worth too much! I have found many friends who understand the dynamics of toxic family in the Al-Anon program. It’s the one place I feel I truly fit in and I have made some amazing friend there.
@patriciasadlertrainor6771 Thanks for your validating reply. I am sorry you had to face this same scourge of malignant narcissism and the harm it does to a person. I wish you well on your healing journey. Praying for you!
@@dnk4559Thank you for the wisdom in your kind reply! I definitely am helped by KNOWING 100% that ALL my abusers, malignant harmful narcissists and ALL their allies and enablers who willingly stood with them and their evil WILL one day stand before Almighty God and be judged by Him and I will be avenged by Him perfectly for EVERY EVIL act, word, thought, motive, intention…Oh, they will try their lies and fakery on Him! Lol. And He will say, “Depart from me!! I NEVER knew you!!” And cast them into the lake of fire along with the god of this earth-satan-who they CHOSE to follow. To those of us who do not get justice for the harms done to us on earth, we will hear the Words of our God say to us, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” And we will get our justice and rewards for our true good hearts and honest, kind, helpful…earthly life! And He will bring us into His eternal Kingdom. THAT makes it all tolerable and worth the wait! Stay strong, brother! God bless.
tHANK YOU! eXACTLY my story.Their ruthless lies and activities remain in my memory. I would often say to my self that they would never turn on me. I reman breathless at times at the darkness produced....Thanks.
THank you Dr. C, you have helped me so much and opened my eyes and strengthend me, yes, it is what it is, it's a sad reality. I grow up with a narcisstic mother, who also had an alkoholic problem, some day she decided to make a cut and our contact ended for about 10 Years = silent treatment, than she came in with Hello here I am and lovebombing, but I try to keep the door close, she is like a storm and I must protect me, now she is old and ill, but' hasn'tt chanced and hasn't take responsibility for anything. IT'S not easy to keep the door closed, because that's not me. I' m a christian, I'm a follower of Jesus, I had to learn to take this mother, this storm and bring it to him, because he knows how to deal with storms. You helped me to go along to deal with the problem of narcissem. Sorry, my english is not the best, I am from Germany. All my best wishes to you, you are a blessing for a lot of people, I'm one of this. 😊
I ❤️ what you said: " IT'S not easy to keep the door closed, because that's not me. I' m a christian, I'm a follower of Jesus, I had to learn to take this mother, this storm and bring it to him, because he knows how to deal with storms." Same for me with my mom. Thank you for your beautiful description of allowing Jesus to handle our storm. It really helped me 🥰 (And your English is just fine 😊)
he he...don't be shocked when they give you a bad reaction. Indeed!
Thank you Dr. Carter for this video
I really enjoyed watching this video
God Bless you
You are very welcome
Always big thank you Dr. C. For me, this topic is a continuing working through. My mom and son's wife are the 2 in my life; mom has long passed, son's wife and son, they said no more contact and now going on 6 yrs. still none, but it does get better and I know will continue to get better for me. Memories of one sort or another, frequent and not so freguent are triggers. When they arise, I find a way to distract my thoughts. I think of past comments Dr. C. has said and I have almost memorized many, of which I will dwell on those. I do lots of praying and giving my emotions to God. I do sense healing taking place in me, and I do find I do not get angry as quick or as often. Anger comes when others speak of their grandchildren and involved in their lives. We have not seen ours in almost 6 years. When the separations were first, there was much brokeness in me, it hurt so deep, but now, it has lessened so much and I am now truly thankful for the separation, as it has caused me to reflect on many things that happened in those relationships, and see that these ones are so mentally sick. They will not change unless they truly see their issues and desire change with help. My mom never did and I do not hold out much hope for son's wife, although I keep them in prayer. As for my grandchildren, I write positive letters to them, never of the ongoing issues, and store them in a box in my home. It does help me.
In Joy
You are quite welcome.
always many thanks
You're quite welcome.
If I could get it out of my head maybe I would learn to cry. I wasted my life with a covert malignant who made it his mission to torture me. When I clued in the reveal was I loved him, therefore I deserved whatever he could get by with behind my back.
The shrink next door was a good series about a Narc. Eye opening.
Trigger guards vs. Trigger discipline. A trigger guard is a fixed piece of metal that protects the trigger from being bumped and cause an unwanted firing. An example can be merely distance, and carefully avoiding something that might cause you to bump that trigger. Trigger discipline is where the weapon bearer intentionally places an outstretched finger near, but intentionally AWAY from the trigger. The safety is off, but it requires intentional movement to pull that trigger, AFTER taking aim at the intended target. An example of this is to respond, not react. Another would be practicing DRC.
Excellent anology.
@@Teacher369 I’ve dealt with a few long-term trolls, and currently have 3 blocked to keep them out of my channel. 2 seem to have wandered off, and the third made an appearance in comments recently (like last week or so). I can sometimes tell that comments listed don’t add up to the ones I see. Then I see other TH replying to them by name, chiding them for insensitive comments. Those replies prove that they’ve been here, stirring up the pot. I’ve also noticed the occasional commenters who charge Dr. C with being a narcissist himself. I also note that their comments get no likes, nor does Dr. C ever reply. Grey rock works, & Dr. C proves it.
👍 👍 👍 🙏 🙏 🙏 ☮️ ☮️ ☮️
I want to say thank you, @aaronkwolfe, it all turned out well.
@@Summer_Harvest Whew. Thanks, Teresa. “See” you tomorrow, perhaps.
Question: Why are we the ones who always have to "handle" these people with kid gloves??? I listen to your videos all the time and you give such helpful advice (thank you!), but I notice how it's always "us," the empaths who have the real responsibility of trying to heal these broken relationships. At what point does the narcissist get their comeuppance? Do they not have to take their share of the blame for what they've done? Or is it just that there's no point in bothering with them because they are never going to change????
The latter.
Let go of this plz it’s an unhealthy situation not a real relationship at all
Your only responsibility is to yourself, to heal yourself and to maintain your own health. It is the same for narcissists, except they often won't even admit to themselves that they have any issues, so they don't take on their responsibility to fix their own issues. That's not your responsibility.
The damage narcs cause is unreal. The agony they put others through is horrible. They don't care, they don't get it. Watch t.v. and see how many parents have had their children murdered and they have had to live with that torment. The person who did it just doesn't care. Even sitting in jail a lifetime doesn't change them. They wreck havoc on lives and people who have hearts. So sad. How to live with these idiots around us and be happy is easier said than done. We have to learn to that though, because life is meant to be enjoyed in spite of hardships.
@@rg-mi5hh Great point! The damage they cause is unreal, but we are still encouraged to understand their actions and their state of my mind. And this is important! No doubt about it! But the people they hurt are important, too. I think I get angry sometimes because the focus always seems to be on the reasons why (especially when it comes from sources who claim to be self aware - not Dr. C) narcs do what they do and not on the havoc that gets left behind from their destructive behavior. I am so blessed to be in the healing process from my narc's sadistic behavior but there are still some days that the shadows overtake me and it's hard to get past the things that she has done!!!!
Sometimes them new triggers are also gut instincts that the new person is showing similar signs of behaviour,, in my experience it was the new person who was no different from previous relationships.. you are more aware but I’ve learned not to react straight away and store the reason behind it but if you are triggered again and again then it’s Not you!! It’s your awareness ❤
Thank you. I feel encouraged now.
Thank you for this near last question. I am dealing with an elderly covert parent and it is so very challenging some days. I feel badly that I am not able to have mutual respect and communication. It is what it is though and I am choosing to practice extreme self care at this time and support myself. Thanks for your words of advice and wisdom DrC. It’s helping.
It’s been a year since I got out and I won’t stop thinking about it ever. I stayed with the narcissist because that was the only way I could be in the family. He got way worse with age and alcohol. I have figured everything out but my problem is he was so Covert and I was too dumb to see it. If everything is a mental manipulation to take all your resources, including the family, he wins and I lose. You would have thought I would have known better; both my parents were narcissists, but different kinds.
I'm convinced my wife is a narcissist. As a result and based on a decade of experience, I feel I can't rely on her to budget, clean up after herself, arrive or complete tasks with kids on time. As a result, I find myself doing far more micromanaging than I'd like. She often won't respond when I speak, not just requests, so I find myself repeating myself often, raising my voice, and being generally short tempered, and I don't like it.
I am concerned that I am taking on narcissistic traits like micromanaging.
Have others had this experience, and how did you deal with it? Please don't tell me I need to leave the narcissist. I already know that, and am working on it.
It's hard dealing with a narcissist partner and not responding when you speak to them is common with the more covert type of narcissist. Another sign is they can give you the "silent treatment" if they are really annoyed with you. You can't always rely on them and you may not feel a sense of comfort or safety when you are around them, narcissists female and male can have similar traits. If you find yourself micromanaging it may be because you are the more organised one and like a sense of order narcissists are not particularly good at that one.
My reply is heavily assuming that she is sabotaging the tasks on purpose for whatever crazy reason may be, rather than if she is truly incompetent.
What she has been doing seems so passive-aggressive that it sounds like all kinds of frustration is being transferred to you, and now you are getting fed up to the point that you are getting sick of it all and reacting to the frustration. It doesn't sound like she is working with you to make the situation any better.
Narcissists enjoy your frustration when they have manipulated the situation for you to be involved with cleaning up the messes they make. Like an infant in a highchair who learns that if she throws her spoon on the floor, you as the adult will pick it up for her. Again, and again, and again. Do you see where I'm going with this?
You need to find a way to take care of "you" and your own mental health. Maybe let her mess up and deal with the consequences entirely on her own, provided that it wouldn't result in disaster. If I were in your situation, my first idea would be to detach from her psychologically "except" when she is doing something the correct way. You've got to do something other than picking up the spoon each time she throws it on the floor.
I hope I have inspired ideas that will help you resist the frustration and have moments of peace so that you are not in a constant state of miserable vigilance. You must take care of you before you can take care of anyone else.
My ex narc is like this. You can't depend on him to do anything except be undependable. My solution was to leave.
Really good, well articulated insight 👍
@@guru47pi You just described my female ex narc to a T. Silent treatment is where you start to go crazy. You crave the love they used to give you. You end up begging. As soon as this happens they devalue you because it gives them power to see how much you depend on them. I wish you luck. Don’t go down the road I did. It was hell.
Thank you for all that you do to help people.
The cow that doesn't move? My sister-in-law.
Thank you dr C. for your explanation of confidence and how to practice it. I grew up with highly narcisist, abusive alkoholic mother and could not grasp the concept of self- confidence. I hear over and over that I am not cofident enough and I came to conclusion that it holds me back but I could not figure out how to help myself. Your explanation and advice is inspirational as always. Thank you!
Where in video?.... I'm not finished yet but don't know if I missed! Very interested
Same with me! I think my confidence suffered because all the gaslighting, sabotage, silent treatment & emotional abuse made me question and doubt myself. I understand that is common among children of narcissistic parents. Believe in you 💕
Most excellent! Terrific content, well delivered. Very helpful. Many thanks!
You're very welcome!
Your videos are so helpful, thank you!
So pleased!
Hope you have a great rest of your week too Dr. Carter :))
Thanks, Dr. C!
Thank you so much for your work and excellent advice
Glad it was helpful!
Gus is stuck in my head. He so chill😅
Gus is so chill because he's had years of therapy with Dr. C! 😁
"The cow that doesn't move"
Ferdinand. He'd rather sit under a cork tree, smelling flowers.
Munro Leaf
thank you, so much
You're welcome!
Being with a narcissist is like watching VHS Tapes , Stop, Rewind, Play. They can’t change that roller coaster ride that they take you on. Stop the ride I want to get off now. Bye Bye Bullies.
It's funny how they can bring things up at the most inopportune moments just to humiliate or embarrass you! And most of the time it's things that have happened years in the past. My narc brought up the fact that I'd gotten sick in her car after I came out of the ICU. She actually took me to the spot where it occurred and pointed out what had happened. I'm not sure why she couldn't understand that I was on a lot of new medications (each with its own side effects) and that each would make me sick on its own. Perhaps she didn't care! Narcissists love anything that make other people seem inferior to who they are ...
Oh yeah, that's my father. He thinks it's hilarious to bring things up and laugh. If I did the same to him he would throw a fit. Only way I've found around it is to not give any emotion
She didn't care.
The "what are people going to think about me", 33:39 mark. I have never cared about what others think about myself. They can take a rolling donut from a short pier for all I care.
I found the question about self identified Narcissists on platforms like this one very interesting. I have seen a couple of them and tentatively opened their videos. What I found almost immediately is the discomfort I feel in my body and mind after only a couple of minutes of listening and watching. These people just bring out a really disturbing feeling to me. There is this 1 guy (I won't name him) that qualifies himself as a professor. I highly doubt he actually has this title legitimately but even if he does ...to me he is just creepy. I avoid any and all so-called "self-aware" Narcissists and their created content. Thank you for validating these thoughts, Dr. Carter.
Like I said, just because I may have had a broken leg...it doesn't put me on par with an orthopedic surgeon!
At least we get to CHOOSE whether to listen to them or not. Thanks for sharing your experience.
I think I know who you're talking about. He was the first person I found when searching the internet over 20 years ago for narcissism help. He creeped me out then, still does.
Aw the guilt is just your empathy and love and compassion that you have no matter how your mother was be proud of yourself I’ve been through this myself and I cared for my evil mother until her death hopeful she would apologise for her and her husband’s abuse and how she protected him rather than her little girls and she would always conflict violence upon me I was a tomboy and I would always stand up to her abuse knowing she would hit me again but I didn’t care and called her husband out when he died and she played the victim pretending she wasn’t aware of it 😮 I found that grief very hard and she didn’t ever show love or affection but I always give it back to everyone else only her and I couldn’t even hug her on her death bed .. I carried guilt and it made me angry with myself because I didn’t know what I was feeling.. happy that she had finally gone and I don’t need to wipe her backside basically and watch her pretend to be this popular funny woman people see her as , and then anger that she never even apologised after watching me suffer from wanting to end my life and many counselling sessions I attended and watching me suffer violence in relationships but not one bit of empathy towards me.. I felt guilty I was feeling I was glad she was dead ,, now I don’t carry anger and guilt towards her and him I just realised that a narcissistic person will never change and I thank them for my strength and knowledge that you are fighting a loosing battle in a relationship with one.. never give them a second chance no matter how hurt your feeling and it’s easy to give into their pathetic crocodile tears I’ve been there but.. not anymore.. sending love and light to this person regarding their pain and guilt ❤
I have a hard time understanding a narcissist!
They also have a way to manipulate your reason for telling them you wasn’t comfortable with that situation but they have already discovered about your past relationship and the behaviour and abuse you have been subjected to.. so BINGO in their minds is they can make you feel like you’re comparing everything to someone else who has deeply hurt you and your not fully healed., even though I usually take a few years apart with relationships and know when I feel strong enough and healed from that past trauma.. they will always try and make you feel paranoid and they are not your enemy only hear to love and help you.. I’ve been through this many times but it doesn’t wash with me and I say no it’s your behaviour right now that has insulted and upset me.. I will never back down to that intimidation so they feel better about themselves,, I just tried not to react and then I was ignorant and rude,, nearly 54 and I can’t believe at this age I am realising it is how they are born and age doesn’t come into a narcissistic person 😂
I would still need to meet someone who's open to that level of open communication. Unfortunately.
There are not enough of those people, that's for sure.
Sitting Bull the cow that doesn't move.
My nac is my grandson’s mother, when I try to find a day to visit . She said not Saturday that their family day and most Sundays he has a birthday party or game to go to, Mon thur Fri school. I took her to court she had a paid lawyer who said it up to her just text 48 hour before coming. Well last time she took 9 days before tell me he don’t want to see me. So I took her back to court this time she text back sooner but she try to cut my hours with him to 4 hours instead of 6 hour visits. She always refer to me by my first name she is 25, I am 60 years old she talks with no respect. She and my son was only together for a year. He doesn’t see his son at all because at court she told the judge he can’t be there during my visit or no type of contact
Hey Dr. C...when do you go live on here? I'm new to your channel and a new subscriber!
and Holy moly I've binged watched your videos so far. Wife of a covert here and really appreciating your insight and advice! Thanks for your time!
To borrow a new analogy: demons. Dad is the one I fear the most. I want to exorcise him out of my head, emotions, gut. Poof: Gone!
Dr. Carter, how do I proceed as a mother with an adult son that displays all the characteristics of a narcissist and other forms of mental illness?
I think the cows called a milk DUD basically as fake as the narcissist who pretends to be everything you always wanted in a relationship.. like you want fresh milk everyday 😂 and not sour.. best way I can describe that 😂😂
Until I get him out of my head: I am quadrupling the rent. Then: Eviction proceedings!
😂❤
Love this! 🤣😂 I'm doing the same!
Thanks!@@kathiejl1
Thanks!@@Dove-gx5gz
He's cluttering up(hoarding) my headspace. Like the show "Hoarders", he's getting a cleaning out!
2:30 I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Am I crazy? Struggling
That cow that does not moo is in league with the dog that won't hunt. Hee hee
That cow don't hunt!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Oh, good one!
Dr C, do narcissistic individuals see codependent individuals as icing on the narcissist cake?
If a narcissist likes cake, they will see anything as a cake and then help themselves to the whole cake without sharing, while trying to get everyone to sing Happy Birthday.
Exactly.
ImMOOvable?
🤣
Dinner
Moot. (Mute)
I think the self aware narcs on YT offer a good perspective, but shouldn't be the only source for healing and recovery. I do think they thrive off the supply of comments and likes, and you need to be careful not to get false hope about your narc, but it is interesting when they're honest and it is eye opening that it is intentional
Had a couple of sister in laws like that. Lol!
I'm separated from my narcissistic soon to be ex-husband but I can't get rid of the sometimes overpowering feelings of love for him that I felt during the good times in our marriage. No matter what I do to get rid of those feelings they keep resurfacing and put me in dispare. Help!
Don’t judge your feelings simply accept them & shift the focus of awareness to the fact that they’re not capable of love ❤️🩹 this is the trauma bond & cognitive dissonance, but with time you’ll be able to feel the love was all on your side ❤
And just recall those harder times and the fact that you would need to relive them too at least as bad as before. Then you will say 'no way!'
@caroleminke6116 Great comment 👍 The trauma bond & cognitive dissonance kept me on the hook with my mom for 32 years.
It's so hard for me to imagine having a mother who is cruel. I married a narcissist in my teens but my parents cared deeply for their children. I think it was hard for me to understand that someone could think like a narcissist so I missed the signs.
Here something scary a therapist that is a narcissist...who did not even go to school to be a therapist.
Dr. C was pointed out to me when I started getting real sick and was and still am neglected and alone. Narc. Never apologize care they think they are better than anyone. They only want to use you for the ego and what feeds the ego. I think narcs can raise another narcissist...anybody think that? Thanks dr.c trying to get therapy after being trapped by a narc.
Lots of people who don't know each other personally here referring to a woman they refer to as a cow.
The cow reference is from a riddle posed by someone in the chat in the first ten seconds of the chat replay. The answer to the riddle was not provided, so people are coming up with their own answers. Even Dr. C notices the riddle and mentions it in the first ten seconds of this video.
I’ve been in a marriage for 40 yrs. It slowly got worse. I feel like I’ve become that like of NARISSIS perso. Didn’t evenhink I was like that before. Being fair, honest, considerate. I lived by common sense more than smarts. Now it’s like a spiteful person I’m living with. What’s the difference with a person using common sense & a NARISSIS view??
I cut off my Narcissus over a year ago. I now have an aunt calling my daughter telling her that I need to make up with the Narcissus. No, my daughter has not responded to this aunt. What do I do to stop my aunt without opening the door to the narcissus. Or relay what I say back to them. I did text the aunt and tell her to "stay out of it" that the Narcissus deeply hurt me and my family (daughter). Is this enough?
You don't need to influence what your aunt does or doesn't do. Narcissists can use others to remain informed about what's going on in your life, like using someone to spy on you. Perhaps instead just move forward with the confidence that you have already done the right thing, that you have already made up your mind, and now it's final. There is no more discussion to be had, no more compromise, the chapter is closed. Repeat this very calmly and politely as many times as needed until they get it through their head. It's over, you have moved on, then change the subject to something more pleasant.
EDIT: I forgot to add, it really is your aunt's own responsibility to deal with her own disappointment if she doesn't like your answer. You can be nice to her or whatever you think is best, but your decision about leaving the narcissist is final and that is that.
@@danielkaiser8971 Very well said, thanks for giving me another tool to use. Very grateful.
You've done enough.
Yea
Why be difficult when you can be impossible …. Sound familiar ?
What if I truly love someone we've described in our discussions. Guess I'm screwed right?
Dr Carter, without getting political, how do you cope with a narcissistic family that has political views which are the polar opposite of your own? Recently in Australia I discovered all my family voted against giving Aboriginal people a Voice to Parliament. This mean-spirited stance I suppose is to be expected of narcissists. But I didn't think they would be this bad towards the most downtrodden people in society. They have always been bad to me, but I didn't think it extended to this group. The saddest thing is that the one nephew I thought I was close to has also voted against. I feel so sad. I guess sometimes the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, and asvDr Orloff says, if there is no empathy I just have to accept that. Would that be right?
You are so right. Just last night my wife and I had a discussion about how politics can be so divisive since it reveals a person's core convictions. I'm amazed by political groups who are very willing to treat others poorly, making it a matter of public policy. That being the case, be you.
It is my SON😢
I am struggling
I can't get the Narcissist out of my mind when I'm dealing with more than one Narcissist who has their own flying monkeys. I'm not just dealing with the past, family and those involved with a TEDRA CASE. I'm under unusual circumstances in which a Narcissist can have flying monkeys that are for example Truck Drivers. There is a man out here named David and he follows me and watches me. Come to find out that he has known me way before I knew him. He went into my place of work when I was Manager in training in 2017 when I moved back to Vancouver Washington where my mother had her estate. He has always known more about me then I ever have told him. He has been one player that in which caused me a tremendous amount of hell. I have always felt from the day I met him as he walked up to me that something was odd. To the point sometimes very confusing. Today I have no doubt that he is a flying monkey from someone in which it matters. It is very difficult when you are dealing with males who know males who knows those who have serious motive. If that makes any sence without getting too personal. Like you just said "Data Seeking." But that can include data for the purpose of motive. Call me paranoid but I have been pawn to this game long enough to know that's exactly what it's been. I can articulate it today like a paralegal and writing an affidavit but I just need to be able to have the investigative means to look up titles to homes, people who know other people, license plate numbers and addresses. This man took off his license plate and asked me if I ever looked him up. A few years ago and I know he is from Texas and California, land had addressed in battleground and Vancouver. He is soon to be 70 in December but swears his last name is Shortt. The lady who now has title to my mother's large home across from WSU is Angela Woodrow who was born my month of November but 61 or 62. Mine born in year of 1960. She has a relative named David Woodrow soon to be 70 and born in December. Odd don't you think since he has known me and came into a job of mine way before I knew he was around watching me. And if this hasn't been a very huge and crazy pattern that involved other ppl then I would ignore it. My life has been crazy and it's enough to make you think am I being gang stalked here. Or am I suppose to believe I am to appear crazy. It is abuse on a different level.
Oh and I left out that Angela Woodrow is also from San Antonio Texas and California but had been in the military. She flys an American flag on the house and a Canadian flag while I have gone under strange and unusual identity theft in which at one point cleaning pictures of mine said they were from the UK just as I had seen posts about my mom that she was born in the UK. Neither of us have been to another country like this. Then there been added things that involved Germany. This David I'm talking about said he lived in Germany for 17 years. My car in which got delivered to me has writing in the software of the radio that says "street lights of Germany and had no backup Camara in it when I bought it. A huge red flag once again involving David accusing me of backing into a man and saying the PO is coming and that was an old car of mine. Bottom line is this is saying too much already but putting it all together and then some it is very very concerning. I have asked myself am I up against some bad ppl. Does this involve ppl who would be considered Bikers or simply corruption in another way. It's concerning. As I have pulled out of a rest stop with no breaks when David and other men were surrounding my vehicle. I have had slashed tires and a host of things happen to me. I have been slammed into by a woman who speed through a street light giving me a punctured lung and dislocated ribs. I have looked back in hind site and find out individuals knew other individuals from a past. In short put it this way. Recently the trustee said THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR YOU SINCE YOUR MOTHER DIED. ABSOLUTELY.
@@ChristianaBonelliSmith-mo1ox You have posted a lot of information about other people (names, property, locations, etc.) as well as events which are very disturbing. Have you thought about contacting law enforcement or private investigators in your area to help you? There are counseling services (Dr. Carter has recommended one on his channel) that could help you deal with these situations that are very troubling to you. Best wishes for better days in the future.
The perfect heart atack.
Thank you Dr C. for this.... It has given me a lot to think about. I need to work on myself.
He said (son) I'm recording everything you say and of course I really didn't know if I was right but I said I don't think you're allowed to record someone without their knowledge He said oh now you're a lawyer. Then I thought to myself ok record because anything I say is really shallow and irrelevant. But the thing is why would you be recording me in my own home. That being said hum what else are you doing?
Hi Dr. C - I was wondering, why do narcissists sometimes make strange, kind of weird, off-the-wall statements, and then sort of blankly, intensely watch for your reaction or response? I don’t get what they are going for, or trying to achieve when they do this.
Mooooote
If a narc hides his bills after you point them out rather than facing them and paying them... do they think that because they have issues with object permanence that everyone does? Clearly he feels entitled not to pay them... but I can't see how he thinks hiding them will stop me from talking about the facts. I'm trying to figure out what I am missing here. It's illogical.
You say it's illogical, and that tells me you understand perfectly. You will not be able to see logic in the illogical, nor rationalize the irrational, nor make sense of the senseless. You take care of you and just keep right on maintaining your own truth. Narcissists have a little video playing in their minds about reality, and to them it is their reality. I don't know that anyone could change that for any narcissist. Please remain sane and keep your own mental clarity.
Your perception and insight: was Bernie Madoff a narcissist?
Narcissists are schemers, exploiters, selfish, feel superior, must be in control, entitled, have no empathy. So what do you think...
I was wondering can you help me understand how a religious narcissist operates and the signs to look out for.thankyou
Check out the video, How Religious Narcissists Will Gaslight You. You should be able to find it in the search bar.
👍
That cow... is dinner
Yes, either that, or it's time to go cow tipping! ROFL 🤣 (cow tipping: pushing over cows that are asleep and then running like hello!)
The only thing I didn't like about this video was that Gus was MIA lol😅 Just kidding. Thank you Dr. I've lost my son's mother/fiancee due to unfortunate circumstances. I've always tried to understand things but I've never been able to understand them in the perspective that you put them in. Words cannot describe how appreciative I am for you putting things into words that I can understand I have never been able to explain myself obviously that's one of the things that we have to deal with. I appreciate every video I've ever watched that you have made. Again from the bottom of my heart Thank you Dr. C. Much obliged.
1. Number of years.. I have tried everything I can think of and it doesn't work..
2. Nosey.. This applies to me with pot smokers out here.. It is more about me speaking my truth..
3. Self-Aware Narcissist.. What self are you talking about?
4. Shame.. I am having a difficult time with this.. It seams like I got so tolerant of shame that I just accept it..
5. Ex.. The stuff that is coming up for me is... Easy Does It.. How important is it? Live and Let Live.. It is more about being slow and setting good boundaries..
6. Emotional Wreck.. Just having awareness can make things seam worse.. It is coming out of denial..
He's out of my head(just about), what do I replace him with?! :-)
Emotional, physical antacid!
"Alka-Seltzer!"(c)
Is synthetic telepathy & v2k harrassment a form of covert/overt manipulation & mind control. Who has the power to FORCE this kind of treatment on someone & how can my family & I be safe...the police, secret society, church, housing etc???