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Thank you for your deep knowledge of the dynamic of the dysfunction family system. I have recently found your videos to be healing because you actually understand what you're talking about, and that is such a confirmation, to hear you!
For all scapegoats (coming from a scapegoat) please do not let your life crumble. I worked so hard to be the most successful out of the family and my narc mom still gets my siblings to gang up to call me the problem child. But no matter the narrative, it is the TRUTH that you are more successful than the narc and that kills them. Sending all love to the unloved and wish you all the success in life
Why do I need the approval of people that will not be happy for my success. Then let those people that would not care about you if they wanted too. So shallow your success kills them . Just give me the adulation of strangers and edification from a dog. Peace and love to u. And yours
I found that moving 1,500 miles away, changing my phone number, and leaving them to feed on each other quite liberating. I paid cash for my house, car, and college education. Three of my four siblings are dead! Get away, save yourself!
You too💕👍 I was the only child and scapegoat. My cousin was the pseudo golden child. My narc mom is busy grooming her right now. I have cut all contact from all living members of my cursed bloodline of snakes 😂👍 all the good family members passed away. So I’m going overseas to study Shaolin Kung Fu for health, fitness and meditation. I have no reason to stay here. I wish you all the best. You deserve it💕
Just in that last sentance, you proved your heart. I'll always be the scapegoat for generations of my family. Although it was hard at the time and truly broke my heart, they abandoned me when I was down at the lowest part of my life, they kicked me to the curb, cursed at me and cursed my very life. That was about 7 years ago and I'm now 68. I've not heard from my family since they orphaned me. After a few years of white knuckling the suicide demon, I am content. I don't have friends but one, and I'm ok. Had to move to the city, biggest populated area I have ever called home, but I am adjusting. Still miss the country, the horses, dogs and big game that were always in my yard and trusted me but theres a robin outside of my apartment and there are memories. I always thought I would return to a rural setting but I am ok for now. Tomprrow is another day and I'm blessed. I am whole and I am content. I no longer have to please my family which was exhausting and unnatural. I am now my own person who doesn't have to do anything to please anyone, but me. I'm a good woman, I do well alone and although I spent my life trying to be the good godly child and parents, they all turned into monsters of their own accord and they are now out of my life. I know I did my best and I can love them from afar. They had 62 years of my life and devotion but now I am blessed to be able to be a survivor and beloved of my God. Be at peace my brother and sisters and live for yourself. Be your own person, my friend and make a life for yourselves before you are too old to embrace yourself in love. It's all going to be ok. You will survive. Be kind to yourself and in all things. ❤
Everytime I left the narc family, I succeeded. I joined the Army, did all the schools, became a true badass. Then I went home, and it's as if I never left. I was treated like garbage, and nothing I did mattered. So I left again, now I'm an electrical engineer building, testing, and launching targets. My family still chastises me and called me a POS. Truly unbelievable. Now they are all enjoying Thanksgiving together and excluded me. Not a call, not a text. Nothing has changed.
Cut ties. Break free. Leave. Move to another place, don't tell them where you live. Don't tell them anything. Block them on your phone and get a new phone number. Look at your education. You have the capacity to create your own family. Because you deserve one. A bright mind doesn't deserve to be treated like a POS. It deserves love, harmony, and people who actually have your back. Take care and God bless you.
Iktr...The same childish behaviors happen whenever I get around those people. (family of origin)...I have Grey rocked them so that I can learn to heal myself...I have 3 dogs and my cycling activities for my mental health caring experience ❤
I’m sorry you are going through that. But I experienced the same ! I left and moved to another state for few years. It was so peaceful. Then I thought maybe my mom needs me bc she is getting older and I thought maybe she is more independent now that I haven’t been around for her to bark orders at. Well I came back and nothing changed ! She still gives me silent treatment and guilt trips and expects me to drive her everywhere like dad did bc she still refuses to get her license and drive herself and be an independent mature adult. My mom isn’t disabled. She is perfectly able to do things on her own but she expects everyone to do everything for her from hanging her pictures , dusting her blinds , drive her everwhere as if I’m her personal assistant. She expects me to call off work to take her to her million dr appointments. So I’m leaving again. I’m not coming back . I’m figuring out where I want to retire in years etc and I have had it. They won’t change !!!
Thats it. I so get it. I am the most accomplished, the nicer person than anyone in my family. And same thing as you, I am treated like I am a problem and told so even though I have lived in America and they have been in England for 38 years.
Just when you think being scapegoated was painful, at the hands of your first family, the second generation comes along to join in on the abuse. No Contact will save your life ... and you are worth saving.
Yes. You hate to think that adult nieces and nephews would form their own opinion but they have been indoctrinated since day one, sadly. And then I think of how my parents used to form our opinions of other people, based on false gossip.
The sabatosh runs deep in narcissistic families. I think their greatest fear is being found out. I maintain very limited contact and use it as practice in exiting my role. After you learn the game, it can be sort of entertaining to sit back and watch the show, but never let your guard down.
Oh my God I am so glad you brought that up I thought my damn family were the only weirdos who had second and third Generations that picked on me and my son oh my God you wouldn't believe the b******* we've been through with those people finally we went no contact I thought ours was the only sick family that did that s*** thank you so much for bringing that up
The family mobbing is awful. Even as an adult I can hardly handle the verbal attacks. They really don’t care about scapegoats except having them around to abuse.
Been scapegoated with family, social services, healthcare, work, church, friends. I love animals. This world is very evil and people are untrustworthy. Being alone and with animals is the most enjoyable thing in life.
To all scapegoats reading this..... Please 🙏 I urge you to walk away from all the abusers and NEVER look back!!! Just think of how much strength you've had dealing with all the abusers??? Put that energy back into yourself and save your life of a continuom of cronic abuse!
Nice to read other scaoegoats’ messages. Only another scapegoat KNOWS how it feels to be a trash can of the family (and the workplace, I have that experience, too).
Yes family, healthcare, therapy and church are all cults. I choose not to follow, but call out the scammers for what they are. I will save my money, time and what is left of my sanity.
@@deannang455 It's criminal - therapists practically force psych meds on you or, at least my experience was, they write "non-compliant' and worse in my permanent file. Grrr, they did far more damage to me than good. It's criminal and I was a sitting duck.
@@kirstenvogel9620 I may be a conspiracy theorist but it seems these things are coming true and getting out. They targeted certain groups to torture and now they think success and unleash it on everyone. Labeling, dehumanizing and legalizing torture to vulnerable groups or making people vulnerable by lying they are 'helping' people life's circumstances . The mental health system is akin to the Residential schools, Holocaust and other genocides. I'd be surprised if this comment stays.
I'm the scapegoat in my family and the BEST gift I gave to myself was walking away from all my 4 siblings...Mother...along with extended family and friends.... This saved my life entirely 🙏 I recreated myself anew and you can too! Learn the importance of healing your wounded self in order for you to stop repeating this cycle of being abused ❤
Same here. My father had terminal illness. I firmly believe it was the abuse. He was career military and accomplished. He was 62. I also believe the ones I left behind will get ill. The narc is evil. She wishes illness on others
@MC-rw2bk I never felt lonely by walking away from them because of how toxic it was having them in my life I automatically felt a deep sense of FREEDOM! and so will you 🙏👍❤️
One more very important point: if you are the scapegoat, don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed with shame, which you might have internalized without realizing it.
I fell in love with the most amazing woman who happened to be scapegoated by her family, she had to go no contact but suffers terribly from the CPTSD caused.
I'm sure this is painful for her I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
Elizabeth Wutzke exactly. They get dangerous to the illusion. When I went no contact... there was no hoovering... my siblings ran to the Matriach... never heard from any of them again. My only regret is waiting another 30 years into adulthood.
Very true, this is what I am finding after starting to heal from my ascribed role as scapegoat. I am o.k with being shunned from this family mess. After telling My younger sister (golden child) that I know our parents are narcissists, she has started to research and understand narcissism and we have finally started to talk about it which has bought us closer. My narc mother and stepfather have moved house to a stones throw away from my golden child sister, which is a classic narc move so my mother can stay enmeshed in my sisters life and groom the grandchildren.
Truth. This is my current situation. Embracing my freedom, mourning the loss of hope of healthy, connected, healing relationships with people I loved but finding I have countless brothers and sisters out there to pursue life with in the right ways.
Scapegoats have a lot of power; they can do one thing that will upend the entire miserable family---they can leave forever and let the whole crew go bonkers. This works beautifully with narcissistic families. The scapegoat won't be there to see it, but when he starts getting those "concerned" phone calls ("Are you alright? We're so worried about you. Grandma hasn't seen you for such a long time. She thinks you don't love her anymore.") that's when you know that the problems are starting to surface and they're going for each others' throats. Soon enough, they'll find another scapegoat. Then it will be business as usual. And it will be perpetuated from one generation to the other, because everyone in the family circle becomes "contaminated." No need to be a part of that mess. Let them deal with their own problems. Some families just need to die so something better can take their place.
Yes, it's sad that one of the grandkids will get stuck with my role. They already have the big golden child picked out. But, maybe now with so much information out there, the other grandkids will catch on. I can only hope.
Yes, once you REALLY let go of the system as the scapegoat it all breaks down. Then you need to be aware they do not hoover you back in through guilt and duty.
@@mm669 I’m going to contact my scapegoat niece and nephew when they’re adults and see if they want help. Until then, I’m just praying for them. I know the hell they’re in. I escaped my family a few months ago. My dad called my father in law yesterday and laid down a guilt trip about how I’m keeping the grandkids from them. I immediately went over and talked to my in-laws and explained the situation and it’s the first time my father in law has ever hugged me. It was the most validating experience of my life. I know all hell is breaking loose in my family. I’m just glad I’m no longer there to experience it. I can focus on my own life and healing and growth. I’m just sad it took me 44 years to break free.
A lot of us scapegoats weren't even the bad child or acted out , some were scapegoated simply for seeing the complete unjustness and not being brain washed like the narcissistic siblings that sided with the toxic parents. You don't have to be bad or a problem child to be scapegoated by the entire family, you can be a target for simply seeing the truth. At 60 I just went no contact with three remaining siblings , I'm almost completely broken by trying over and over to fit into a family that never wanted me for anything but the family trash bin. I've lived a life of hell trying to be loved by those that have no empathy let alone love. I didn't act out as I still have my teeth , I hid in a dark closet alot to escape, also day dreamed alot, always about winning their love or getting some form of recognition. Never going to happen , got out late but at least I'm now the escape goat. You owe these soul destroyers nothing , narcissist never , repeat never ever change. Run don't walk the hell away !
Thank you for sharing. I had a hideout in my closet too, they actually took the door off my room, so my only escape was the closet or under the bed. And my daydreams were all of success, being loved and having them be proud of me.
@@MygirlsGJPB yes never getting any recognition or acceptance is heart wrenching , our stories seem so much alike just remember they usually pick the strongest one for the scapegoat and you can climb above and learn to find your own self acceptance but as long as you continue to try with your abusers you'll never reach the level of healing we need . Sometimes you have to find your family that isn't family of origin. Thanks for your reply and I wish you the best on your journey out of abuse that never should have been.
That’s so true! I was the biggest rule follower and people pleaser, and still was never accepted or loved. There was nothing I could do to be good enough.
You have just summed up the story of my (family) life! I am 61 and have FINALLY gone no contact with my mother, and very limited contact with my flying monkey siblings in the last year. What a huge relief! I have forgiven myself for not having made this decision a long time ago.
Good for you! My healing and my wonderful life began when I went no contact, completely, 3 years ago this January. (I had only had limited contact for about the 10 previous years before that.) I am 53. Learning about the scapegoat role in family dynamics is what opened my eyes and totally changed my life. Within a year of learning about these things I went no contact.
I'm 53 years old and just started learning about my mother and relatives being psychopaths or sociopaths 4 or 5 years ago. Things haven't gotten better since then but worse actually. They are worse than average narcissists. One reason things got worse I think is I used to live in a delusion that I had a good family and good mom. That delusion is gone now and they increased the abuse when I tried to confront them. God bless anyone affected by these kind of people.
@@russellm7530 You're not alone. I was just 51 when I moved back 'home' and started having flashbacks and then finally realized just how bad it really was and is. Quite a shock, I always protected them.
That’s so true! My large family had a series of scapegoats. I just so happened to be one of the youngest, easiest and final scapegoat for ever and ever Amen! It did not take me long to say, “AMF” which is the most difficult shi* sandwich for all those bullies to swallow😅
It was so freeing to realize that my depression had little or nothing to do with me and everything to do with the role I was being forced to play in my dysfunctional family.
I'm very happy for you Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]
Family scapegoat here! 🖐 It all started when I was 11 when I saw my mother kissing another man (she was married to my stepfather). I told my grandmother what I saw and she immediately confronted my mother who then told my grandmother that I was a liar and that she had been quietly having a problem with my lying for a while. Long story short; I was labled "liar" from that day on. Other family members would do things they knew were wrong in my presence because they knew no one would believe me if I told. I am 60 years old now and the label has stuck to this day. I am not a liar. I have never been a liar. I hate liars and will not associate with liars. But because of being called a liar all my life, I always feel that whenever I'm talking to someone, no matter how benign the conversation, I feel like they are not believing me.
@Lyn I understand your feelings.. I myself was accused of something my older married sister was actually doing! She went around our church and told everybody that I was leaving with one "man" and coming home with another one! I was a 17year old high school teenager, as she was back home with 4kids trying to leave her sorry husband! She was out running the streets with our drug addicted cousin - but was putting her "sins" on me! Even our Pastor believed her! But, Thank the Lord God Jesus - He healed my mind eve though I still think about that lie that is still out there on me! #Blessings
It's not only the scapegoating it's also the smear campaign that goes with it! Especially when your narcissistic mother does her "frail little grandmother" and your narcissistic ex-husband do their work on your own children! I'm the only one telling a different story and not believed by two, of my own, now three adult children. My mother has recently passed of cancer and my ex-husband suicided, of three children, I have one who has not been turned by them. I've lost two and my three little grandchildren of one.
Just cut off contact, consciously teach yourself not to care what they think and say, and create your own life for yourself and by yourself. Others will come along and join you that match your needs. It may take ages and it's hard work but it happen if you stay true to yourself and put yourself first...remind yourself everyday
You are spot on. I am creating the life of my dreams in paradise and the narcissist and her flying monkeys are not a part of it. Their bad. Unfortunately they are my family. Not my choice but a necessity for my survival and happiness. I pray...
That’s easier said then done, the ingrained self sabotaging patterns are there repeating over and over. Every time I feel I’m getting somewhere I’m knocked back down and retreat into isolation. I’m 60 and I’ve had a horrible lonely life I’ve no friends and my children now scapegoat me and I’m pulled in pushed out. The cycle just goes round and round like a washing cycle. I have no hope my life will ever get better. I make friends then before long they find something wrong with me it’s very hard for me to trust people and all I seem to attract is emotionally unavailable people be it friends or partners.
It's crazy how the roles we play as individuals within the family dynamic change so insidiously. I went from the invisible child to the golden child (after earning my M.D.) to the scapegoat (after going back to my first career as an RN). I'm the bad guy now because I didn't make them look as good as they wanted to in society. I'm the whistle blower in the family so I welcome the scapegoat role. I KNOW who I am. Thanks for the wisdom. God bless all. ❤😊
The only solution is to detach. You have just verified Everything I've felt or done for years. I worked for trying to show them how wrong they were about me -my whole life. 3 died without changing, others are still keeping the narrative alive. Run for your life - its the only solution.
My mother said for years I was just like my aunt - (her sister she hated) , my aunt said I was just like my father (who she hated). I was a truth teller. And I was the middle child who served no purpose.
I thought I wrote this! Exactly! I was like my mom's Sister whom she hated, and I was like ma dad's one Sister, a spinster and psychopath. All my life.
Ugh. My mom very often said I was "just like my dad," who physically and mentally screwed me up so bad that I cringed if he touched me, and any eye-contact with him made me quite literally nauseous. I felt like my skin was being peeled off just being in the same room as him, and growing up I sometimes prayed that he would die (not proud of that, but going no-contact has made me kinder). You can imagine how the "you're just like him" message affected my self-esteem ☹ Thanks, mom! 💩 Remember, no matter how bad it's been, healing is possible! You just have to run like hell away from those who hurt you and never look back. Without them sabotaging you, anything is possible if you put in the work. Think of them as a bad flu -- once you get over them, you need a little time to recover and gain some strength. But eventually, so long as you protect yourself from germs, you can get on with life like a boss. And having been sick before, you tend to know the signs.
The wisest , the gifted , the most creative , the most courageous, the strongest, the most tolerant child that has leadership qualities , who is an empath would be chosen for the role of Scapegoat.. If the child is a super empath she would turn the table around. Tat is for sure . Beware ! Scapegoats should have self talking and delete all kinds of negative words of the Narc mothers or fathers. The scapegoat would be resilient . Get healed Sg ! ! Take care scapegoats !
@@AudreySeyboldtry and go no contact with them so the only people they can treat like the scapegoat is eachother, I bet they end up trying to do it to someone they've successfully manipulated against you so then your free, the longer you go no contact the more their going to suffer knowing that your not allowing yourself to be mistreated
Just be careful to not be a scapegoat everywhere you go by triggering everyone, because you've already accepted that role subconsciously. It can be a deeply ingrained behaviour that you aren't even aware of doing. Just like wht Jerry said, you have the most power and you might be using other people's triggers to show your dominance and to get attention, all by using that ability to trigger but it's all subconscious. Pls also remember that ppl who blame you subconsciously don't want to take responsibility for their feelings and connection to their Higher Self/God for guidance and comfort. So they want to pass the burden of their anxiety to you for relief. You have to set an intention in your mind that you do not want to take responsibility for their feelings anymore, something you are doing now as a scapegoat. You have subconsciously accepted that responsibility, to be everyone's dumping ground. Set a mental intention, tell them silently that you refuse to accept it and that they need to connect to God/Universe etc instead. They need to take on that burden themselves instead of passing it to you. You might also at this point of your life subconsciously think that you aren't worthy of any relationships and that you have to go through a lot of rigmarole to get any type of attention, especially if you've spent your childhood begging for attention from your family.
@Lindy T I am truly touched that I have been able to help you. I had to go through very intensive meditation to bring up all that awareness from my mind. I am still shifting it to something that is beneficial to me, but so far, I feel calmer and more at peace. Especially after I mentally let go of other people's negative emotions, a burden I shouldn't be carrying. Something that I'm telling myself as a mantra is "I am seeking harmony with people, I am letting go of my habit/need to trigger them". One way to comfort yourself is to remember that you were practically hypnotised by your family to behave that way. That's why it's so deeply ingrained, you don't even know it exists.
@@NB-2020 awareness. Just start being aware of how you behave and how other react to it. It might take some practice if you aren't used to it. Here's a video that might help ua-cam.com/video/oD3ncWVqiZY/v-deo.html
I am incredibly angry at my family for giving me this role to take on everyone’s pain as my own. I was the only one in my family that’s been in therapy since I was 13 and now I know why! No body else could deal with their own shit so it was up to me to figure out what the problem is. My dad was a narcissist my mom codependent and an enable now my brother who is the golden child is the narcissist while I have cemented my role as his scapegoat. The part that pains me the most is how the family dysfunctional will play out for my brothers 6 kids. I already have an idea of which little girl will be damaged the most the one that still shows emotion in the family but is called a “drama queen” breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do!
That’s my problem with a Grandson who has been made the family scapegoat. I was trying to counteract what he was hearing at home and then the Mom cut me out of their lives. I’m terribly worried about him and the others, I love this Mom but she is so rough emotionally on the kids.
OMG I CAN RELATE my dad is a narcasisst, mom is codependent and HPD and sister is the golden child. I'm 19 and sis is 15 I keep getting blamed for everything and it's frustrating.
I feel your pain and anger. I'm concerned that my only niece ( I have no nephews or children of my own) is going to become a narcissist. She's 11 and I can see it coming. Not because of her behavior; she's still innocent and awesome. Her narcissistic mother who is married to my golden child brother is making damn sure of it. I feel so helpless. Prior to my being banned from their home three years ago, my niece and I had a wonderful bond. I've only seen her twice since then and it's as if I'm a stranger now. It's an impossible situation. I'm quite certain that no on in my family has any idea how much I know about our dysfunctional dynamics. As 'the scapegoat/truth teller' I've been all but banished. And of course it's 'all my fault'
@@hollowman1 Glad I’m not the only one. I have given this situation time and by my own healing and positive example, their is a new dynamic in my eyes for my family. Doesn’t change what happened and there is still more work but I don’t take it all onto myself to fix or keep all the hurt in anymore.
I left. Life is good. Took a while to remove the influence from my working life and relationships, but it's a matter of strengthening yourself and your boundaries.
Stand up for yourself, make them accountable and see what happens! The family unit falls apart & be vigilant for the manipulation that takes place. Thanks Jerry- I can stand alone without any conversation or approval. 👑
Me too..I pick up and left all the garbage, It was killing me and my Joy and I was being mentally abused years and it went to physical and monetary abuse...I ended up sick with pancreatitis and sepsis and almost died, and my own grown-up kids did not go see me yet I was used to help them with financial support while I was lied to and KEPT secrets from me..what happens in the dark will come out to the light, no one can mock Jeh God....
@@lisacranmer8005 I empathize totally. One of the biggest tricks in the narc's bag is to withhold information, especially from the Scapegoat. Keep you in the dark and make you seem even more "crazy" to the enabling dupes who already gulped down the narc's subtle slander of you. They see the qualities of the NARC on YOU and they see your good and noble qualities on the NARC. They refuse to see the TRUTH. There is a verse in Scripture about these people who "refuse the love of the truth, that they might be saved." (2 Thess 2:12).
As a scapegoat surving suicide attempts...and watching my life crumble from something so great and full of love. this was a heartbreaking video to watch realizing everything that has been taken from me in my life to this point (thank you everybody for all the support and love for this comment I wasn't expecting to get this much ever attention I ever have gotten ever. ❤️ times flies by don't let it go . let the toxic ones come and go out of your life. it'll be okay in the end grand scheme of things. you matter only the most. to my self I guess 1 year ago is what I'd say when I posted this.
They don't belong to God (see Psalm 58:3-5). They reject us just like Jesus was rejected. We are separated by our Anti-parents so that we can find our True Loving Parents (God the Father, The Holy Spirit and the Savior Jesus Christ). "When my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up." Psalm 27:10 He is waiting for each of His children to come to Him and He is NOT in the 501c3 "church" which is full of satan's vipers. He IS His Word! (John 1:1). Read the entire Book of Psalms. King David went through the exact same thing we are going/have gone through. King David calls these "narcissists" the "workers of iniquity" and "the wicked".....same thing. They treated him horribly and Scapegoated him even though he was God's chosen KING.
I have been scapegoated since childhood, and recently it has become more and more severe. (Particularly since I recently graduated as a Lawyer). The ‘mob’ all tried to ‘write me off’ about 3years ago conspiring to get me sectioned because I couldn’t go to a family gathering as I was studying for my finals and they all decided I was crazy and at home ‘dribbling into my cornflakes)!!!!! I will not allow this ‘identity’ to define me anymore. I will NOT react, and feed their supply any longer. Thanks Jerry, your guidance has set me free. I have had to go ‘no contact’ as the abuse was killing me. (Literally on the verge of suicide).
Congratulation graduating as a lawyer. I’m glad you are choosing the WHEN, now, Not HOW! Glad you are choosing no contact because of their emotional functioning and their choices. Best to you, “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
@@jerrywise Dear Jerry. Thanks for your comment and encouragement. I shall certainly endeavour to attend your event. It looks great! Kind Regards. Victoria Wells.
Yep! They tried, but it didn't work! If nothing else, they taught me how to be RESILIENT👍. I'm grateful for the strength and wisdom I've gained throughout my 60 years on this earth. ✌️ ❤️ 🌻
Wow. I wish I heard this 50 years ago. Absolutely everything you said is true. Thank you for helping people in this world. I really needed to hear that. Signed A Scapegoat.
The message they send you every single day of your childhood is DEEPLY implanted . How could it be otherwise ? Personally , I think it takes a miracle to uproot the lies.
Scapegoat here, I am gratefully thankful for my scapegoat role! My mom took on her role to show me the type of woman, mom and person I do not want to be and I view it as a blessing. My moms mom is the matriarch and my siblings are being the upmost gaslighted and I am thankfully grateful I got away and I can see truth and reality.
I like being the scapegoat. You’re the most mentally strong - that’s why they made you the scapegoat. You get to escape the upside down clown world the narc and golden child remains ensnared in .
I’m 34 and currently live with my mom, sister and step dad and this is how I manage to not be their scapegoat anymore: grey rock… dismantle negative projections and drama by staying neutral, calm and non reactive. Boy oh boy do my sister and mom love being dramatic and getting a defensive reaction out of me!! If I’m too happy and things are too peaceful thats a problem. I am very very different from them and I pride myself in my differences. I am learning how to love and accept myself and to choose peace over anything. My sister asks me why do you do this and that and I say because I do… I’m just being myself!! I love my quirky, eccentric imperfect little self!! I don’t have to portray myself as perfect at all!! Like my sister does! I think I have turned out to be a rebel of sorts because of all of the projections I’ve gone through growing up!! I was forced to stay in a tiny box that wasn’t me at all. I can’t wait to be out of this dysfunctional environment.
It sounds like you have already done a lot of inner work. Remember that the journey never ends, but small improvements could drastically improve our inner levels of peace and our ability to to stay non anxious also in anxious environments ❤️
Yes, thank you! Your talks on self differentiation have been helping me a lot! 💗 you have also confirmed my idea that we not absolutely need others love and validation. I can be fulfilled and content on my own. I love to meditate and love spirituality and mindfulness. That helped me when you confirmed that for me.
hi I don't know if you'll ever see this but just wanted to say thank you for your comment. every single sentence resonates perfectly with what I'm living with right now (except I'm 32, no step dad but a dad divorced from my narc mom who still to this day seeks her love and approval by calling her & playing into her drama). I escaped the madness for 15 years but recently got guilt tripped into moving back in with my mom because "she's dying"... come to find she has no serious diagnoses... anywho, I'm printing out your comment and posting it on my wall. Neutral, calm, non-reactive. My new mantra. Thank you for sharing. Your comment exudes awesomeness that I one day hope to emulate.
EVERY sick system NEEDS a scapegoat . When I went away , the baton was passed to another sibling. Its sad because it hurts EVEN the perps . They never get to heal their own defects and toxicity because they project them onto someone else . Sad all the way around , BUT you're helping NOONE by allowing them to scapegoat you . PS "Shame-shed" is a PERFECT description of what they do to the scape goat . They need a place to deny and offload all of their shame.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. The best thing my alcoholic, narcissistic mother did was die. I am finally free from her hatred and scapegoating. No contact was the solution. Self-love is the cure
I can't believe how terrible and abusive some families are. It is so heartbreaking. I went no contact a year ago and my life is flourishing. I am focused on healing and my boys only. Thanks Mr. Wise. I love you.
I was taught that I was too sensitive. Shame shedding was the rule. Every chore was what my parents hated as children I found out years later listening to my father. I was truly brain washed! Thank you for this! I am also African American, and was walked into a Elementary School where my mother, and I were being called racist names out of the windows while we walked up! These were children! She proceeded anyway, and I was scared to death! She put me in there, and it was hell! She was cold hearted! I was a pain, and she did the most expedient thing for her! Then down hill from there scholastically from there. It wasn’t me after all. I am now 57 years old now. Still learning about this.
This is exactly what I've been dealing with now for two weeks. It's a pernicious role that gets worse as the years go on. I'm 59 and still looking for validation from the cult called family asking them inwardly to end the hypnotic trance! Thanks this was amazingly helpful.
Oh lord 🙏 please please, stop giving your power away, searching for validation and acceptance from ugly ass people, any one with a hint of malignancy will see this as a window of opportunity to exploit you. EASY GAME. Validation, Closure, acceptance along with happiness and peace, all comes from within. No one else. Take the reins and Own YOUR truth, say nothing and let time do the talking!! You have a potent mix of strength and determination within your core, if you listen to your soul, take action and Realise YOU do have a CHOICE you will have access to it. Take care, wishing you the most profound healing journey uv yet to experience. GodBless you. X
Don't drink the Kool-Aid in order to be polite and get acceptance. I had to cut my losses and move on. Acceptance is the answer to all our problems. Changing our understanding of our role and taking action is what brings a new happiness
My Mother was a covert narcissist who was also an alcoholic on the autism spectrum. My Father showed narcissistic tendencies and made my brother and I the scapegoats. I developed an eating disorder that was evident early in childhood. It allowed my Grandmother to make me the scapegoat out of her six grandchildren. What a tangled mess. I am 59 years old and proof you can heal and go on to be happy and successful. Even if it takes years to get there
This is a very good presentation, one of the best I've seen. There is one thing I disagree with though "people have become mentally ill to fulfill their roll as a scapegoat". I personally believe that the abuse, mental patterns and devaluation etc. that comes with being scapegoated is the 'cause' of mental illness. I think this statement needs clarification.
It does affect you if you have a narcissist x and your x family and own kids end up being narcs...we do see us as the problem when your broken with pains from what other's have done to YOU....and yes alcohol and illegal activities....Cover up lies on top of lies, clan of liers cuz I was the whistle blower...Yep all the negatives were my fault...yep Unipolar what I said....they are the piece of garbage sewer and scum of bottom of the pond...Lol....All the years of HELL when all lie, all the lies blew up with lie detector test and the truth.....what happens in the dark will come out but it is too late, Almost lost ME and I was lied to years and years and people knew lies...
I agree. How does anyone expect us to be 'normal' happy and healthy when we are excluded and mocked and not told why. I went crazy but I also think they drove me crazy!
I was bullied into replicating the symptoms of mental problems I didn't have, but which my mother could get a lot of money for. Themed financially-motivated gaslighting, I suppose. Any mental problems I did have were utterly denied of course. My brother to this day thinks I was faking being depressed to see if I could get interesting pills from the doctor. He cut me off though for dumping my life story on Facebook.
I was always supposed to be the one with all the answers but NEVER need anything or have a problem myself. My older sister said she can't believe I need glasses to see.....what! Why? Because our parents didn't need bifocals! Really! This one sister is a few years older than me. Recently, I said I have to go to the podiatrist because I have a bunion....she invalidates me and said, "That's OLD people that get that." I'm not allowed to be human or have any issues in life. I can't get any validation or real love from my dysfunctional family. They do love to put me down....
I know...I'm the lier and abuser when old man gets Viagra and pays for services behind my back....making my life stressful being sick and I get lied to over and over while being sick to point I ended up with heart attack...
I can so relate to this except I was the oldest “pseudo mom”. It was my job to take care of and be there for everyone else but gosh forbid I have any needs of my own.
I have never understood scapegoating and narcissism better than when you explain it. How refreshing. I am learning do much from you. Thank you for sharing your hard work and expertise with us.
Very true. I am the scapegoat of my family. I was born into a very abusive household. Everything was somehow shifted to me. My fault. I am 47 and still it is a thing. I am going no contact and some are trying to now be in contact when I want nothing else to do with them. It has been awful. And not interested in being a part of it.
Exactly. The reason one of them keep a little contact, is that rthey want to gossip. They need the info and also everything about your children. Thats their fuel
@@LR-yu3mx So very true! This is referred to in Scripture as "the cords of the wicked".... Psalm 129:2 Many a time they have persecuted me from my youth, but they have not prevailed against me. 3 The plowmen plowed over my back; they made their furrows long. 4 The LORD is righteous; He has cut me asunder from the cords of the wicked.
When I was very young, my dad was the scapegoat. Then, when my father started drinking and going to spend time with his girlfriend, my oldest brother became the scapegoat. My father left and my brother left. I became the scapegoat and the middle child, my brother became the golden child. Later, at the birth of my daughter, she became the golden child and I remained the scapegoat. I was the one bullied but took care of the narcissist. I hated holidays because I was the center of everything wrong. My first husband was another narcissist. When we divorced, although they hated each other, they joined ranks to try and destroy me. With God I survived. I spent 20 years as an over achiever, no emotion in taking care of my daughter and mother. In my forties, I married a God fearing man, who saw what was going on. He supported me walking away. I now have none of my family but I have a loving husband and mother in law. What did I learn? God allowed everything in order for me to see Him. Now, I look back and see His glory in everything. I am alive today because of Him. He gave me the love, knowledge, and the will to survive and learn the truth.
So beautifully written. My experence has been the same. I give my Father in Heaven all the Glory. I would not be here today if not for Him watching over me my entire life. I was like a leaf blowing in the wind, or walking blindfolded through a dark, unknown forest.
Yes it does indeed “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
As having two high-functioning boderline parents and one covert-narcissistic sister, these videos help me on my self-healing journey beyond measure. Honestly, I never thought I would achieve calmness and detachment on my own, but thank God I do now. Thank you so much Mr.Wise!
How long did it take you to feel ok? I have 2 narcissist parents and a covert narcissist sister too. I'm 36 and just went no contact, within 1 day my Dad and sister made my 2 aunts and grandma turn on me and all I have left is my wife (who is amazing and very understanding and helpful). No other blood family left since the rest of them live in the middle east and we barely ever talk. I'm having trouble sleeping and almost went back to using drugs at first. I stayed strong and didn't thankfully but everyday is really hard still even though I know my family never cared about me and was only using me as a scapegoat since I can remember.
Janette Coleman, I'm about your age and was also Scapegoated. Suggestion - check out here on You Tube - Lisa A. Romano, she was the scapegoat and has healed tremendously from it. She has numerous, excellent videos on Codependency and Narcissistic Abuse. Some other names - Jenna Ryan - SelfLoveU, Rinda Smith - Rinspire Counseling.
Wow. This is the final piece of my understanding about my ultra golden child brother and me being the scapegoat. I’m 70 years old. Finally have it figured out. Thank you Jerry and God Bless.
Wonderful! Thank you! I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my UA-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my UA-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
This is why I never punish my kids for their failures..... Precisely because their failures belong to them, and are not a reflection of me. My goal as their parent is to guide them through their mistakes without placing shame and guilt, and/or projecting my personal feelings onto them ....And to teach them that they are in complete control of not only the solution, but also the path forward so they can achieve personal growth through reflection.
This was utterly heartbreaking for me to listen to (because of the sheer accuracy and truth in it all) I'm so glad, though, that I did finally snap out of my role of that false reality. It took me over seven years to do! but I am so much clearer in my life, live with integrity and valuing those things most important to me. and to finally permit myself to experience joy.
@@EndTimesRadioTV it took A Lot of determination, compassion, and somehow just believing that I could be free if I kept trying to be. (No contact has also been hugely beneficial but also so challenging to do) ❤️🩹
I was a family scapegoat because I wasn't wanted as a baby girl. My older sister wanted mother's attention all to herself so she tormented me behind my mother's back. I had a lot of breakdowns and told mother what my bully sister had done and my sister would say it was the other way around that I was the one who kept provoking her. I was assumed to be the liar...lying about my sister all the time. I had absolutely no credibility whatsoever. To this day I don't trust anybody to believe my story. That made it hard to heal. I have healed a ton of the damage done to me. Have led an extraordinary wonderful life but still held back by bullies and con-artists a lot. These videos are a great help to my last year's of life. I'm now 80 years old. Living in Texas, involved with 12 Step programs, and big community issues. Involvement keeps me uplifted!
A 'healthy' family must be very rare. It's just a matter of degree. The scapegoat has it the worst in one way: the narcissist(s) are out to crush his or her spirit. Usually, with a child, the narcissist monsters succeed overwhelmingly; however, in rare cases, s/he will find a way to transcend it and grow up to be balanced and whole, but only after decades of inner work. In my case, the narcs recruited practically all the extended family and a once close friend, who creepily became involved with them, including my ex-wife and kids, while I was overseas. When I spoke with him I could feel the change in attitude toward me. Recently, I learned I'd been disinherited over a very small matter by my vindictive narcissistic mother whom, upon my return to the states, I stayed with and helped through the covid crisis. Also, I had been left out of the obituary by the golden child's adult children, even after donating bone marrow twice to save his life! Shockingly, my elderly mom cares more about her dog than her kids and grandkids. Fortunately, I have a place to go, and the means to succeed there. It is my intention to go completely NC, and never look back, so they must find a new target to project onto. I'm hoping that eventually some will break out of this toxic family cult, and reach out, though I'm not holding my breath.
How on earth did we humans become so toxic? Show me someone that is "well adjusted" and I can show you thousands that are no where near that. As the world is falling apart, we are seeing every one scapegoating every one else. We are headed for chaos.
We have a blind spot, humans, our own self. So it is very easy to see when we only look outside. So it only hurts when it's done to us, we don't see when we do it.
It's sick and evil, to make them feel better about themselves! It has made me so sick, and my life still at 61, can't stop the madness! I am a magnet for new Narcs in my life. Even though I escaped the family system, I can't make anything of my life! I'm still in hell!
Just cut ties with the last member I had contact with.. He called me a month ago needing help( but mostly to argue as we are politically opposite). I felt like I would be putting myself in great jeopardy going to his home. I clean for a living. I just cant take his absolutely no concern for me. After ruminating for a month. i texted him to not contact me again. I haden't talked to him for 6 months and he brought up every polotical issue under the sun. While acting.like my opinion was crazy. Your videos are so helpful thank you deeply.
There was never any alcohol or drugs in my house, my parents were just plain mean, abusive & narcissistic. I was the scapegoat & my older sister was the golden child that got away with anything & was very spoiled & got whatever she wanted, even if it was something of mine. I got blamed for her wrongdoings & literally anything that went wrong at home. I was treated the exact opposite. Anything I needed or wanted, sister got it instead. She never was corrected or punished. They literally labeled her as “the good one” & me as “the bad one” & always said that along with the beatings & verbal abuse that I received. I still suffer, mentally, from their abuse as an adult. I find it so difficult to break away although I desperately need to.
Hi everyone, I’m 46 years old , & January this year I only discovered / learnt about this disorder . It has ruined my life to date ( all the characteristics , I have , beenscapegoated ) I have had numerous successes in life but I actually self destruct , I am into my 2 Nd year of self destructing properly this time , this time thanks to people like Jerry I can see a little light This should be introduced at a very early age in schools , give some tortured children hope , that’s I believe what we should be campaigning our politicians for , to educate our children in what is healthy , it will have untold economic benefits for the world . The reason I equate it to economics is it possibly is the only language there is a consensus on . Thanks for all your insightful videos , they have been a great help.
I was the family scapegoat, I used to think it was because I was the youngest until my cousins child started chastising me over something she found out I'd done when I was a child! It hit me that it was a role they'd put me in and that the younger generation wouldn't respect me either. My problem now is being scapegoated when I try to connect to new groups. I've often felt like I'm put at the bottom of the hierarchy in other social groups and it's a terrible, terrible feeling to continue being disrespected like that. I have been in some non abusive non scapegoating groups in the past in different areas so I know they exist, it just seems that most groups have a toxic hierarchical structure so good groups have not been easy to find and as a result I'm isolated and feel vulnerable and depressed.
if we grow up being scapegoated it can impact the way we experience and function in relationships as adults. it may be helpful to get Professional help to help you observe your own functioning in relationships and maybe change that functioning if your interested in that. Sending love and support
This is amazing for me to hear - very validating of my real life through decades of experience as the family scapegoat, in a family where talking about, or even evidently sensing what's really going on in the family group dynamics is seen as a threat that must be punished. Thank you so much for this video!
This black sheep says: Hi and much love to all scapegoats.🥰😘 Personally I'm glad the scapegoat haters (my family) don't have eternal life. Even if it felt like that....Constantly! I am 63 years old ... and still recovering from my f*;'*ing role to do my very best, to do everything to get peace or being loved aswell...Mission imposible for the scapegoat! My parents have already died but I didnt even feel any sorrow. My brothers only learned me as the cause of all problems. So they still treat me as I don't exist. I still hoped that if my parents were gone, it will be all right between us finaly... Unfortunately, this doesnt work either! In fact, you were expelled from the family. It feels like an orphan who carries all the baggage of people who even don't want me to exist. Its all an ugly game they played.. Unfortunately my brothers were also injected to treat me so rude as my sadistic narcissistic mother did. They dont know better, its their blueprint too... 😱😭
@kristof verbruggen Thank you so much for your kind words! A malicious narcissistic parent in the family has such a profound effect on their children. They all get a role. In short, its still quite a process to get rid of all damage that I once thought could still be fixed, could be so much more understanding and lovingly be resolved… Unfortunately: NOPE. But I'am happy with my own family now, 2 wonderful daughters. My mother couldn't stand it, that my children loved me and vice versa. So even to my, then young own children, she tried to make me bad, ugly and black! This broke a really vital chord in me. I went no contact and never saw her again. It was a great relief! I never ever missed her one second. 🤗
Jerry you are so intelligent, honest, ethical and a true truth teller. Thank you! Finally, what I have dealt with all of my life is being brought out into the light. It is a miserable life living under the domination and control of people like this who not only ruin you, but when you start to bring out the truth, they then gaslight and verbally abuse you. I have dealt with people like this my entire life, at home and at work. People are so sick, they destroy so many peoples lives, then they try to make it look like it is you and then go after your children and try to do the same. I am so happy that the truth is coming out worldwide, no more will anyone have to deal with this!! You are a blessing!
Someone has to take the blame for the bad stuff going on. This is the unconscious reasoning. What a burden to carry. Yes someone has to be the bad guy. it's not your fault. Reprogramming thru reparenting meditation, healing for the inner child. Tks Jerry.
@@katedawson6654 They either run to their true Father and get to know Him and how much He loves them, or they self-destruct according to the plans of the workers of iniquity (aka "narcissists").
I have started the no contact when I turned 60. I had contact earlier this year and had realized that no contact is extremely important. I blocked my sibling's number but she keeps leaving messages in voicemail every so often. There were years she never cared to contact me for years. She's always been a bully & no use in responding.
Thank you SO much for this much needed information. I was absolutely the scapegoat from my narcissistic mother. She pretends to be a saint to the outside world, but is very evil. I remember this happening as early as 3 or 4 years old. I would receive punishment for everything that the older golden child did. I was blamed and punished for the sexual and emotional abuse that I endured as a 6 year old. I was punished for crying when the older golden child would bully me, so I was not allowed to react to the bullying. I was punished for having friends. I was punished for having an opinion. I was punished for attempting to join school activities, have friends, stand up for myself. I was punished for wanting to go to college. My only coping method was to become as small and nothing as I could, to be perfect so the punishment would happen less. But the narcissist mother would still find reasons to punish me. She would snoop through my bedroom from top to bottom while I was school and find something, anything to be angry at me. She would go into rage if I talked to my dad or spent time with him. When I became pre-teen I had no money for clothes, or very little if she gave me any, and then she would make fun of me for wearing the same clothing over and over again. This list goes on and on. My Narcissistic "mother" told everyone in my extended family that I was a terrible problem child, when I was actually a quiet, well behaved, kind child. She would continually fill them up with lies, she didn't want me to have any ties to anyone. So I became smaller and smaller, and my only coping mechanism was to crawl in a ball and disappear. When I finally moved out at 18, she would tell my cousins that they could have my most prized things, like my flute, items I connected with etc. So I had to given them anything that was mine because if I didn't, they would just think I was the horrible person that was selfish like she told them I was. So I just always gave in with a smile, (painful) in my efforts to show them I was a really a kind hearted, quiet person. But you cannot change decades of lies that your own mother created. She created herself to be the victim and me a horrible, horrible person. I tried to block her and her gold-child daughter out of my life, but she hired private investigators to find me in the of "love and concern for my safety". I never did drugs and don't drink, always do what Im told, always the "good girl" to avoid punishment. And then the bully/victim/scapegoat hell continued. The worst was when I met a wealthy/powerful man who turned out to be exactly like her, but he was also extremely violent, and I would get blamed for it. (Just like growing up). I have several broken bones and my life was threatened numerous times. He also befriended my "mother" sending her flowers and chocolates, and crying to her that I was so horrible and spoiled because I was leaving him. I told them both to stop talking to each other. They teamed up on me, and more than ever, they made me out to be an evil spoiled and ungrateful person. It became so bad that when I attempted to call the police when he was strangling me, he grabbed the phone and turned the situation around and was arrested because he made the call. I finally escaped and have never spoken to any of them ever again. I changed my last name and am getting help for severe depression and PTSD. It's been hell, and I hope I can heal. The hardest part is the Mind-"f" this creates when I know I am a quiet, kind, high integrity person. My friends know me to be that, and I have to convince myself that I am NOT what the evil, narcissist mother made me out to be out of her need to scapegoat her inner demons. I just want her to leave me alone and let me live my life so I can heal and hopefully have some happiness in the second half of my life.
I pray for , peace, love, and joy in your heart and mind. I can relate to your story and my heart goes out to you. 💜 I beleive your mentally tough and will make it out of this with much joy. Knowing you survived and will eventually thrive.🌹
I can relate . You are all so 💪 strong ❤️ I still struggle with my mother and sister trying to take control over my son, they hate his father, my mother puts all this negativity into his little brain about me and anyone else she pushes away from us, my sister (golden child) is very entitled and can do no wrong, and my sister acts like she’s the mother by doing nice things for my son but then I realize she does it to make me look like a bad mother. I try and want a relationship with my mom and sister but I’ve grown to realize they have always been this way and truly don’t want to see me succeed. I don’t want to cut off my family because my son adores my mother and sister so much but unfortunately it’s like watching my child self in the mirror, watching my own baby grow up in the same toxic environment i did, it’s very heartbreaking. I pray I can afford a place for my son and I to get away to safe and secure home of our own.
I was scapegoated by my family because I was indeed, different. I was very bright, insightful, and competent. It was particularly confusing because I did not get overt negative verbal attention. I was completed negated -- any success was negated, ignored and devalued. If I was not "all 'A's", I was punished. I understood at age 12 that I had no future in the family and would continue to be abused ( we were all physically abused). At that time I basically went "gray rock" and began planning to ensure my independence and left the family at age 18. I was lured back into the family to rescue someone and yes, still my help was denied or demeaned. Finally I learned to not respond and black them out: at times lonely but it was profoundly lonely and painful to be "in the family".
Yep, I got yelled at, accused of being unruly at school and threated with having to drop all extracurricular activities because I had all As and one B. I was 12 at the time and that was my first B ever.
Thank you, this is very helpful! But... As a scapegoat I never went out and 'rebelled'... It was just that I was gaslighted and always told that everything was my fault
thanks for the great video. As the scapegoat, I have always had a deep feeling that there is something wrong with me since early years. all the later neglects and abuses have been built on that kind of like jenga. But I am taking the tower down now and wish same for everyone in same situation. take care yourself.
I haven't even watched the video yet, but the thumbnail caught my eye and I relate to it b/c I was referred to as the names associated as the arrows pointing to that child. I was the "lazy" one, the "fat" one, the "dumb" one, etc. O really do think I struggled learning b/c of the chaos. When asked to do something, whether at school or home, I was slow ton understand at times, had a hard time paying attention, and didn't always understand requests made of me right away.
I being the eldest daughter was the scapegoat of two narcissistic parents . They screamed , blamed , insulted , name called until the relief of ridding myself of them was a big event in my life . My mother screamed her blame for my father's depression onto me ' he's lying in there because you're such a rotten good for nothing ' when I was 14 . It was my fault when my sister got in trouble with a teacher 'he thinks she's you ' . The irrationality of it all . When I married I never called home but within couple of weeks my screaming , raging mother was on the phone to me to unload . At least it was easy to hang up . I kept my kids away from them as it was apparent they were ready to verbally abuse them also . My mother smoked herself into cancer and died at 53 - guess who was expected to attend her bedside ? I robbed her of her chance to scream at me with her last breath .
You are so welcome “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families! Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I’m an only child but my family dynamics allowed my cousin to be the golden child & myself to be the scapegoat. Took me 30 years to understand the many different problems created within myself from being the scapegoat. It is a horrible nightmare trying to grow past the pain of never being accepted or worthy.
This is one of the very best videos I have ever heard on being the scapegoat and how to rise above it. Thank you kindly and happy Thanksgiving to you and yours
Scapegoat here. I’m in tears. My heart is broken and my faith lost . I’m 38 and decided to finally walk away from them. All I think about is suicide but I’m so scared to really do it. Will I go to an even darker place? So here’s what I decided, I’m going to kill them off instead from my life . Obviously not literally but mentally. I’m a college drop out, alcohol addicted, narcissistic magnet ... I attract narcs in all my relationships..so I stay alone. After watching this , it’s confirmed in me that I need to detach in a REAL way. I need to stop drinking and grow up FOR MYSELF.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Thank you for your deep knowledge of the dynamic of the dysfunction family system. I have recently found your videos to be healing because you actually understand what you're talking about, and that is such a confirmation, to hear you!
I didn't think anybody understood this unusual dynamic so well. Thanks for lending believability. I had no idea anyone in the world understood this.
Thank you for sharing this help 🙂
For all scapegoats (coming from a scapegoat) please do not let your life crumble. I worked so hard to be the most successful out of the family and my narc mom still gets my siblings to gang up to call me the problem child. But no matter the narrative, it is the TRUTH that you are more successful than the narc and that kills them. Sending all love to the unloved and wish you all the success in life
Why do I need the approval of people that will not be happy for my success. Then let those people that would not care about you if they wanted too. So shallow your success kills them . Just give me the adulation of strangers and edification from a dog. Peace and love to u. And yours
I found that moving 1,500 miles away, changing my phone number, and leaving them to feed on each other quite liberating. I paid cash for my house, car, and college education. Three of my four siblings are dead! Get away, save yourself!
You too💕👍 I was the only child and scapegoat. My cousin was the pseudo golden child. My narc mom is busy grooming her right now. I have cut all contact from all living members of my cursed bloodline of snakes 😂👍 all the good family members passed away. So I’m going overseas to study Shaolin Kung Fu for health, fitness and meditation. I have no reason to stay here. I wish you all the best. You deserve it💕
@@cartomancymesquite yep that helps so much....no contact = sanity for life
Just in that last sentance, you proved your heart. I'll always be the scapegoat for generations of my family. Although it was hard at the time and truly broke my heart, they abandoned me when I was down at the lowest part of my life, they kicked me to the curb, cursed at me and cursed my very life. That was about 7 years ago and I'm now 68. I've not heard from my family since they orphaned me. After a few years of white knuckling the suicide demon, I am content. I don't have friends but one, and I'm ok. Had to move to the city, biggest populated area I have ever called home, but I am adjusting. Still miss the country, the horses, dogs and big game that were always in my yard and trusted me but theres a robin outside of my apartment and there are memories. I always thought I would return to a rural setting but I am ok for now. Tomprrow is another day and I'm blessed. I am whole and I am content. I no longer have to please my family which was exhausting and unnatural. I am now my own person who doesn't have to do anything to please anyone, but me. I'm a good woman, I do well alone and although I spent my life trying to be the good godly child and parents, they all turned into monsters of their own accord and they are now out of my life. I know I did my best and I can love them from afar. They had 62 years of my life and devotion but now I am blessed to be able to be a survivor and beloved of my God. Be at peace my brother and sisters and live for yourself. Be your own person, my friend and make a life for yourselves before you are too old to embrace yourself in love. It's all going to be ok. You will survive. Be kind to yourself and in all things. ❤
Everytime I left the narc family, I succeeded. I joined the Army, did all the schools, became a true badass. Then I went home, and it's as if I never left. I was treated like garbage, and nothing I did mattered.
So I left again, now I'm an electrical engineer building, testing, and launching targets. My family still chastises me and called me a POS. Truly unbelievable. Now they are all enjoying Thanksgiving together and excluded me. Not a call, not a text. Nothing has changed.
Cut ties. Break free. Leave. Move to another place, don't tell them where you live. Don't tell them anything. Block them on your phone and get a new phone number. Look at your education. You have the capacity to create your own family. Because you deserve one. A bright mind doesn't deserve to be treated like a POS. It deserves love, harmony, and people who actually have your back. Take care and God bless you.
Iktr...The same childish behaviors happen whenever I get around those people. (family of origin)...I have Grey rocked them so that I can learn to heal myself...I have 3 dogs and my cycling activities for my mental health caring experience ❤
I’m sorry you are going through that. But I experienced the same ! I left and moved to another state for few years. It was so peaceful. Then I thought maybe my mom needs me bc she is getting older and I thought maybe she is more independent now that I haven’t been around for her to bark orders at. Well I came back and nothing changed ! She still gives me silent treatment and guilt trips and expects me to drive her everywhere like dad did bc she still refuses to get her license and drive herself and be an independent mature adult. My mom isn’t disabled. She is perfectly able to do things on her own but she expects everyone to do everything for her from hanging her pictures , dusting her blinds , drive her everwhere as if I’m her personal assistant. She expects me to call off work to take her to her million dr appointments. So I’m leaving again. I’m not coming back . I’m figuring out where I want to retire in years etc and I have had it. They won’t change !!!
Thats it. I so get it. I am the most accomplished, the nicer person than anyone in my family. And same thing as you, I am treated like I am a problem and told so even though I have lived in America and they have been in England for 38 years.
So sorry 😢
Just when you think being scapegoated was painful, at the hands of your first family, the second generation comes along to join in on the abuse. No Contact will save your life ... and you are worth saving.
totally
Yes. You hate to think that adult nieces and nephews would form their own opinion but they have been indoctrinated since day one, sadly. And then I think of how my parents used to form our opinions of other people, based on false gossip.
The sabatosh runs deep in narcissistic families. I think their greatest fear is being found out. I maintain very limited contact and use it as practice in exiting my role. After you learn the game, it can be sort of entertaining to sit back and watch the show, but never let your guard down.
Oh my God I am so glad you brought that up I thought my damn family were the only weirdos who had second and third Generations that picked on me and my son oh my God you wouldn't believe the b******* we've been through with those people finally we went no contact I thought ours was the only sick family that did that s*** thank you so much for bringing that up
Yes, I am 65 yrs, I'm still suffering the Narc., abuse, humiliation, denigration, sex abuse,
The family mobbing is awful. Even as an adult I can hardly handle the verbal attacks. They really don’t care about scapegoats except having them around to abuse.
So true.
Been scapegoated with family, social services, healthcare, work, church, friends. I love animals. This world is very evil and people are untrustworthy. Being alone and with animals is the most enjoyable thing in life.
so it seems ... getting very used to being alone ... but I know not everyone is like this but that's what I attract... still working at it ..
same and also Jewish and that's not a coincidence
Love my animals!!!!!
Agreed 💯%
I feel you
To all scapegoats reading this.....
Please 🙏 I urge you to walk away from all the abusers and NEVER look back!!! Just think of how much strength you've had dealing with all the abusers??? Put that energy back into yourself and save your life of a continuom of cronic abuse!
Nice to read other scaoegoats’ messages. Only another scapegoat KNOWS how it feels to be a trash can of the family (and the workplace, I have that experience, too).
Yes family, healthcare, therapy and church are all cults. I choose not to follow, but call out the scammers for what they are. I will save my money, time and what is left of my sanity.
@@deannang455 It's criminal - therapists practically force psych meds on you or, at least my experience was, they write "non-compliant' and worse in my permanent file. Grrr, they did far more damage to me than good. It's criminal and I was a sitting duck.
@@kirstenvogel9620 I may be a conspiracy theorist but it seems these things are coming true and getting out. They targeted certain groups to torture and now they think success and unleash it on everyone.
Labeling, dehumanizing and legalizing torture to vulnerable groups or making people vulnerable by lying they are 'helping' people life's circumstances . The mental health system is akin to the Residential schools, Holocaust and other genocides. I'd be surprised if this comment stays.
I've had the workplace scapegoating too. i was very young and couldn't figure out why my boss hated me; even when I did an excellent job.
we need a scapegoat uprising lol lets get our pitchforks
I'm the scapegoat in my family and the BEST gift I gave to myself was walking away from all my 4 siblings...Mother...along with extended family and friends....
This saved my life entirely 🙏
I recreated myself anew and you can too! Learn the importance of healing your wounded self in order for you to stop repeating this cycle of being abused ❤
Well done 👍 😊 What a sweet day that will be. I cannot wait!
BRAVO
I’m in the process of going no contact. How did you manage feelings of loneliness?
Same here. My father had terminal illness. I firmly believe it was the abuse. He was career military and accomplished. He was 62. I also believe the ones I left behind will get ill. The narc is evil. She wishes illness on others
@MC-rw2bk I never felt lonely by walking away from them because of how toxic it was having them in my life I automatically felt a deep sense of FREEDOM! and so will you 🙏👍❤️
One more very important point: if you are the scapegoat, don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed with shame, which you might have internalized without realizing it.
Any tip how to stop shame impacting me?
It's second nature to me now. I'm almost 64. This seems impossible to overcome at my age.
@@zz-ic6vylook up John Bradshaw Healing The Shame That Binds You. It's excellent.
@@robertafierro5592 tell yourself to love yourself more...treat yourself like the love of your life...always
I fell in love with the most amazing woman who happened to be scapegoated by her family, she had to go no contact but suffers terribly from the CPTSD caused.
I'm sure this is painful for her
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Sometimes the scapegoat ends up being figuratively thrown out of the family...especially as the SG begins to become less codependent and more well.
Elizabeth Wutzke exactly. They get dangerous to the illusion. When I went no contact... there was no hoovering... my siblings ran to the Matriach... never heard from any of them again. My only regret is waiting another 30 years into adulthood.
AGENCYisTheEqualizer How old were you when went no contact?
Very true, this is what I am finding after starting to heal from my ascribed role as scapegoat. I am o.k with being shunned from this family mess.
After telling My younger sister (golden child) that I know our parents are narcissists, she has started to research and understand narcissism and we have finally started to talk about it which has bought us closer.
My narc mother and stepfather have moved house to a stones throw away from my golden child sister, which is a classic narc move so my mother can stay enmeshed in my sisters life and groom the grandchildren.
@@truemordecai2996 mid 40s
Truth. This is my current situation. Embracing my freedom, mourning the loss of hope of healthy, connected, healing relationships with people I loved but finding I have countless brothers and sisters out there to pursue life with in the right ways.
Scapegoats have a lot of power; they can do one thing that will upend the entire miserable family---they can leave forever and let the whole crew go bonkers. This works beautifully with narcissistic families.
The scapegoat won't be there to see it, but when he starts getting those "concerned" phone calls ("Are you alright? We're so worried about you. Grandma hasn't seen you for such a long time. She thinks you don't love her anymore.") that's when you know that the problems are starting to surface and they're going for each others' throats.
Soon enough, they'll find another scapegoat. Then it will be business as usual. And it will be perpetuated from one generation to the other, because everyone in the family circle becomes "contaminated."
No need to be a part of that mess. Let them deal with their own problems. Some families just need to die so something better can take their place.
You are so right Lisa. Those 'concerned' type phone calls are maddening but they are a reminder that the problems are surfacing.
@@onetime3738 Once you start getting those phone calls it's a sure sign everything is going south.
Yes, it's sad that one of the grandkids will get stuck with my role. They already have the big golden child picked out. But, maybe now with so much information out there, the other grandkids will catch on. I can only hope.
Yes, once you REALLY let go of the system as the scapegoat it all breaks down. Then you need to be aware they do not hoover you back in through guilt and duty.
@@mm669 I’m going to contact my scapegoat niece and nephew when they’re adults and see if they want help. Until then, I’m just praying for them. I know the hell they’re in. I escaped my family a few months ago. My dad called my father in law yesterday and laid down a guilt trip about how I’m keeping the grandkids from them. I immediately went over and talked to my in-laws and explained the situation and it’s the first time my father in law has ever hugged me. It was the most validating experience of my life. I know all hell is breaking loose in my family. I’m just glad I’m no longer there to experience it. I can focus on my own life and healing and growth. I’m just sad it took me 44 years to break free.
A lot of us scapegoats weren't even the bad child or acted out , some were scapegoated simply for seeing the complete unjustness and not being brain washed like the narcissistic siblings that sided with the toxic parents. You don't have to be bad or a problem child to be scapegoated by the entire family, you can be a target for simply seeing the truth. At 60 I just went no contact with three remaining siblings , I'm almost completely broken by trying over and over to fit into a family that never wanted me for anything but the family trash bin. I've lived a life of hell trying to be loved by those that have no empathy let alone love. I didn't act out as I still have my teeth , I hid in a dark closet alot to escape, also day dreamed alot, always about winning their love or getting some form of recognition. Never going to happen , got out late but at least I'm now the escape goat. You owe these soul destroyers nothing , narcissist never , repeat never ever change. Run don't walk the hell away !
I have never related to anything more in my life. Thankyou for sharing
Thank you for sharing. I had a hideout in my closet too, they actually took the door off my room, so my only escape was the closet or under the bed. And my daydreams were all of success, being loved and having them be proud of me.
@@MygirlsGJPB yes never getting any recognition or acceptance is heart wrenching , our stories seem so much alike just remember they usually pick the strongest one for the scapegoat and you can climb above and learn to find your own self acceptance but as long as you continue to try with your abusers you'll never reach the level of healing we need . Sometimes you have to find your family that isn't family of origin. Thanks for your reply and I wish you the best on your journey out of abuse that never should have been.
That’s so true! I was the biggest rule follower and people pleaser, and still was never accepted or loved. There was nothing I could do to be good enough.
You have just summed up the story of my (family) life! I am 61 and have FINALLY gone no contact with my mother, and very limited contact with my flying monkey siblings in the last year. What a huge relief! I have forgiven myself for not having made this decision a long time ago.
This scapegoat became the escapegoat and you can’t spell scapegoat without GOAT which is stands for: greatest of all time
AWESOME observation!!!
Love this!
I am the youngest of five kids and the scapegoat. Cowards picked on the easy prey, and I speak to none of them today, I'm 55.
Good for you! My healing and my wonderful life began when I went no contact, completely, 3 years ago this January. (I had only had limited contact for about the 10 previous years before that.) I am 53. Learning about the scapegoat role in family dynamics is what opened my eyes and totally changed my life. Within a year of learning about these things I went no contact.
I'm 53 years old and just started learning about my mother and relatives being psychopaths or sociopaths 4 or 5 years ago.
Things haven't gotten better since then but worse actually. They are worse than average narcissists.
One reason things got worse I think is I used to live in a delusion that I had a good family and good mom.
That delusion is gone now and they increased the abuse when I tried to confront them.
God bless anyone affected by these kind of people.
Youngest of 7 of a narc mother, I feel u
@@russellm7530 You're not alone. I was just 51 when I moved back 'home' and started having flashbacks and then finally realized just how bad it really was and is. Quite a shock, I always protected them.
That’s so true! My large family had a series of scapegoats. I just so happened to be one of the youngest, easiest and final scapegoat for ever and ever Amen! It did not take me long to say, “AMF” which is the most difficult shi* sandwich for all those bullies to swallow😅
It was so freeing to realize that my depression had little or nothing to do with me and everything to do with the role I was being forced to play in my dysfunctional family.
I'm very happy for you
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Family scapegoat here! 🖐
It all started when I was 11 when I saw my mother kissing another man (she was married to my stepfather).
I told my grandmother what I saw and she immediately confronted my mother who then told my grandmother that I was a liar and that she had been quietly having a problem with my lying for a while.
Long story short; I was labled "liar" from that day on. Other family members would do things they knew were wrong in my presence because they knew no one would believe me if I told.
I am 60 years old now and the label has stuck to this day.
I am not a liar. I have never been a liar. I hate liars and will not associate with liars.
But because of being called a liar all my life, I always feel that whenever I'm talking to someone, no matter how benign the conversation, I feel like they are not believing me.
I understand that. They are stupid, I think, inprisoned in their Matrix. 😀
Hard to get rid of the bs put upon you isn't it, all so unfair, unnecessary!
@Lyn I understand your feelings.. I myself was accused of something my older married sister was actually doing! She went around our church and told everybody that I was leaving with one "man" and coming home with another one! I was a 17year old high school teenager, as she was back home with 4kids trying to leave her sorry husband! She was out running the streets with our drug addicted cousin - but was putting her "sins" on me! Even our Pastor believed her! But, Thank the Lord God Jesus - He healed my mind eve though I still think about that lie that is still out there on me! #Blessings
It's not only the scapegoating it's also the smear campaign that goes with it! Especially when your narcissistic mother does her "frail little grandmother" and your narcissistic ex-husband do their work on your own children! I'm the only one telling a different story and not believed by two, of my own, now three adult children.
My mother has recently passed of cancer and my ex-husband suicided, of three children, I have one who has not been turned by them. I've lost two and my three little grandchildren of one.
That's horrible. Screw them for doing that to you.
Just cut off contact, consciously teach yourself not to care what they think and say, and create your own life for yourself and by yourself. Others will come along and join you that match your needs. It may take ages and it's hard work but it happen if you stay true to yourself and put yourself first...remind yourself everyday
GReat
You are spot on. I am creating the life of my dreams in paradise and the narcissist and her flying monkeys are not a part of it. Their bad. Unfortunately they are my family. Not my choice but a necessity for my survival and happiness. I pray...
That’s easier said then done, the ingrained self sabotaging patterns are there repeating over and over. Every time I feel I’m getting somewhere I’m knocked back down and retreat into isolation. I’m 60 and I’ve had a horrible lonely life I’ve no friends and my children now scapegoat me and I’m pulled in pushed out. The cycle just goes round and round like a washing cycle. I have no hope my life will ever get better. I make friends then before long they find something wrong with me it’s very hard for me to trust people and all I seem to attract is emotionally unavailable people be it friends or partners.
@@lynnbrown4364
You are so right ❤️🩹❤️
How can the parent dehumanize the child and also say "I love you?" They're liars. Thank you Jerry Wise for telling us the truth.
They don’t. They don’t say “I love you”. My parents never ever did.
@@annaschonberger1525I agree with you.. My parents did not say, “I love you.” It’s too bad..
It's crazy how the roles we play as individuals within the family dynamic change so insidiously. I went from the invisible child to the golden child (after earning my M.D.) to the scapegoat (after going back to my first career as an RN). I'm the bad guy now because I didn't make them look as good as they wanted to in society. I'm the whistle blower in the family so I welcome the scapegoat role. I KNOW who I am. Thanks for the wisdom. God bless all. ❤😊
Sounds like my family to a T. I never earned a college degree, so in their eyes, I'm nothing.
Nurses do more to help people than doctors sometimes.
@@David-eu1ms 💯 Agreed 👍🏿
God bless 💞 You are incredible.
Ugh,makes sense
The only solution is to detach. You have just verified Everything I've felt or done for years. I worked for trying to show them how wrong they were about me -my whole life. 3 died without changing, others are still keeping the narrative alive. Run for your life - its the only solution.
Excatly
My mother said for years I was just like my aunt - (her sister she hated) , my aunt said I was just like my father (who she hated). I was a truth teller. And I was the middle child who served no purpose.
I thought I wrote this! Exactly! I was like my mom's Sister whom she hated, and I was like ma dad's one Sister, a spinster and psychopath. All my life.
Ugh. My mom very often said I was "just like my dad," who physically and mentally screwed me up so bad that I cringed if he touched me, and any eye-contact with him made me quite literally nauseous. I felt like my skin was being peeled off just being in the same room as him, and growing up I sometimes prayed that he would die (not proud of that, but going no-contact has made me kinder). You can imagine how the "you're just like him" message affected my self-esteem ☹ Thanks, mom! 💩
Remember, no matter how bad it's been, healing is possible! You just have to run like hell away from those who hurt you and never look back. Without them sabotaging you, anything is possible if you put in the work. Think of them as a bad flu -- once you get over them, you need a little time to recover and gain some strength. But eventually, so long as you protect yourself from germs, you can get on with life like a boss. And having been sick before, you tend to know the signs.
The wisest , the gifted , the most creative , the most courageous, the strongest, the most tolerant child that has leadership qualities , who is an empath would be chosen for the role of Scapegoat.. If the child is a super empath she would turn the table around. Tat is for sure . Beware ! Scapegoats should have self talking and delete all kinds of negative words of the Narc mothers or fathers. The scapegoat would be resilient . Get healed Sg ! ! Take care scapegoats !
How do you heal?
Thank you. Spot on
@@AudreySeybold You get away from the liars and become who you TRULY are.
@@reesedaniel5835 😢what if our country is bad too economically or we have to live with them atleast thru college 😔
@@AudreySeyboldtry and go no contact with them so the only people they can treat like the scapegoat is eachother, I bet they end up trying to do it to someone they've successfully manipulated against you so then your free, the longer you go no contact the more their going to suffer knowing that your not allowing yourself to be mistreated
This scapegoat knows exactly what you are talking about. Thank you, Jerry. This is a very important, informative, enlightened video.
So true - “It keeps the focus OFF the root cause” The “Identified Patient” or Scapegoat becomes the sick dysfunctional family’s sacrificial lamb.
Just be careful to not be a scapegoat everywhere you go by triggering everyone, because you've already accepted that role subconsciously. It can be a deeply ingrained behaviour that you aren't even aware of doing. Just like wht Jerry said, you have the most power and you might be using other people's triggers to show your dominance and to get attention, all by using that ability to trigger but it's all subconscious.
Pls also remember that ppl who blame you subconsciously don't want to take responsibility for their feelings and connection to their Higher Self/God for guidance and comfort. So they want to pass the burden of their anxiety to you for relief. You have to set an intention in your mind that you do not want to take responsibility for their feelings anymore, something you are doing now as a scapegoat. You have subconsciously accepted that responsibility, to be everyone's dumping ground. Set a mental intention, tell them silently that you refuse to accept it and that they need to connect to God/Universe etc instead. They need to take on that burden themselves instead of passing it to you.
You might also at this point of your life subconsciously think that you aren't worthy of any relationships and that you have to go through a lot of rigmarole to get any type of attention, especially if you've spent your childhood begging for attention from your family.
@Lindy T I am truly touched that I have been able to help you. I had to go through very intensive meditation to bring up all that awareness from my mind. I am still shifting it to something that is beneficial to me, but so far, I feel calmer and more at peace. Especially after I mentally let go of other people's negative emotions, a burden I shouldn't be carrying. Something that I'm telling myself as a mantra is "I am seeking harmony with people, I am letting go of my habit/need to trigger them". One way to comfort yourself is to remember that you were practically hypnotised by your family to behave that way. That's why it's so deeply ingrained, you don't even know it exists.
@@tullysoulliere8103 do what you are inspired to do make yourself happy! ❤
How do you figure what in your triggers others so that you avoid it?
@Lindy T How do you figure what in your triggers others so that you avoid it?
@@NB-2020 awareness. Just start being aware of how you behave and how other react to it. It might take some practice if you aren't used to it. Here's a video that might help ua-cam.com/video/oD3ncWVqiZY/v-deo.html
I am incredibly angry at my family for giving me this role to take on everyone’s pain as my own. I was the only one in my family that’s been in therapy since I was 13 and now I know why! No body else could deal with their own shit so it was up to me to figure out what the problem is. My dad was a narcissist my mom codependent and an enable now my brother who is the golden child is the narcissist while I have cemented my role as his scapegoat. The part that pains me the most is how the family dysfunctional will play out for my brothers 6 kids. I already have an idea of which little girl will be damaged the most the one that still shows emotion in the family but is called a “drama queen” breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do!
Yes there is something you can do, show her differently, show her she is worthy before it’s way too late 🙏
That’s my problem with a Grandson who has been made the family scapegoat.
I was trying to counteract what he was hearing at home and then the Mom cut me out of their lives.
I’m terribly worried about him and the others, I love this Mom but she is so rough emotionally on the kids.
OMG I CAN RELATE
my dad is a narcasisst, mom is codependent and HPD and sister is the golden child.
I'm 19 and sis is 15
I keep getting blamed for everything and it's frustrating.
I feel your pain and anger. I'm concerned that my only niece ( I have no nephews or children of my own) is going to become a narcissist. She's 11 and I can see it coming. Not because of her behavior; she's still innocent and awesome. Her narcissistic mother who is married to my golden child brother is making damn sure of it. I feel so helpless. Prior to my being banned from their home three years ago, my niece and I had a wonderful bond. I've only seen her twice since then and it's as if I'm a stranger now. It's an impossible situation. I'm quite certain that no on in my family has any idea how much I know about our dysfunctional dynamics. As 'the scapegoat/truth teller' I've been all but banished. And of course it's 'all my fault'
@@hollowman1 Glad I’m not the only one. I have given this situation time and by my own healing and positive example, their is a new dynamic in my eyes for my family. Doesn’t change what happened and there is still more work but I don’t take it all onto myself to fix or keep all the hurt in anymore.
I left. Life is good.
Took a while to remove the influence from my working life and relationships, but it's a matter of strengthening yourself and your boundaries.
I’m the problem of my family. I’m blamed for everything!!
Stand up for yourself, make them accountable and see what happens! The family unit falls apart & be vigilant for the manipulation that takes place. Thanks Jerry- I can stand alone without any conversation or approval. 👑
Me too..I pick up and left all the garbage, It was killing me and my Joy and I was being mentally abused years and it went to physical and monetary abuse...I ended up sick with pancreatitis and sepsis and almost died, and my own grown-up kids did not go see me yet I was used to help them with financial support while I was lied to and KEPT secrets from me..what happens in the dark will come out to the light, no one can mock Jeh God....
@@lisacranmer8005 I empathize totally. One of the biggest tricks in the narc's bag is to withhold information, especially from the Scapegoat. Keep you in the dark and make you seem even more "crazy" to the enabling dupes who already gulped down the narc's subtle slander of you. They see the qualities of the NARC on YOU and they see your good and noble qualities on the NARC. They refuse to see the TRUTH. There is a verse in Scripture about these people who "refuse the love of the truth, that they might be saved." (2 Thess 2:12).
As a scapegoat surving suicide attempts...and watching my life crumble from something so great and full of love. this was a heartbreaking video to watch realizing everything that has been taken from me in my life to this point
(thank you everybody for all the support and love for this comment I wasn't expecting to get this much ever attention I ever have gotten ever. ❤️ times flies by don't let it go . let the toxic ones come and go out of your life. it'll be okay in the end grand scheme of things. you matter only the most. to my self I guess 1 year ago is what I'd say when I posted this.
You are not alone
Many of us relate. We must slowly learn to cherish and give back to ourselves what dysfunctional people have taken.
I believe in your complete healing. I'm healing and so will you.
They don't belong to God (see Psalm 58:3-5). They reject us just like Jesus was rejected. We are separated by our Anti-parents so that we can find our True Loving Parents (God the Father, The Holy Spirit and the Savior Jesus Christ). "When my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up." Psalm 27:10 He is waiting for each of His children to come to Him and He is NOT in the 501c3 "church" which is full of satan's vipers. He IS His Word! (John 1:1). Read the entire Book of Psalms. King David went through the exact same thing we are going/have gone through. King David calls these "narcissists" the "workers of iniquity" and "the wicked".....same thing. They treated him horribly and Scapegoated him even though he was God's chosen KING.
That sounds like grieving.
Me too xx
I have been scapegoated since childhood, and recently it has become more and more severe. (Particularly since I recently graduated as a Lawyer). The ‘mob’ all tried to ‘write me off’ about 3years ago conspiring to get me sectioned because I couldn’t go to a family gathering as I was studying for my finals and they all decided I was crazy and at home ‘dribbling into my cornflakes)!!!!!
I will not allow this ‘identity’ to define me anymore. I will NOT react, and feed their supply any longer. Thanks Jerry, your guidance has set me free. I have had to go ‘no contact’ as the abuse was killing me. (Literally on the verge of suicide).
Congratulation graduating as a lawyer.
I’m glad you are choosing the WHEN, now, Not HOW!
Glad you are choosing no contact because of their emotional functioning and their choices.
Best to you,
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
@@jerrywise Dear Jerry. Thanks for your comment and encouragement. I shall certainly endeavour to attend your event. It looks great!
Kind Regards. Victoria Wells.
I am so sorry. I hope you’re ok now.
They are scared to death your living your life.. love by afar.. it’s hard, but you are the strongest.. their scared to death..
Wow quote: "It's not about the truth."
Right truth hurts....lies are used to keep the facade.... almost died and my own kids went against me...trust in Jeh God and he will bless you....
Being the family scapegoat has destroyed my life.
I'm so sorry to hear this, I hope you get some help for yourself.
Same. Narcissistic police are even involved it’s so insane
Same
Yep! They tried, but it didn't work! If nothing else, they taught me how to be RESILIENT👍. I'm grateful for the strength and wisdom I've gained throughout my 60 years on this earth.
✌️ ❤️ 🌻
Hugs.
Being a scapegoat everything is my fault I am blamed for all the things that go wrong .
I feel you. I am going no contact.
You can heal from this. I’m praying for you.
Me too
Wow. I wish I heard this 50 years ago. Absolutely everything you said is true. Thank you for helping people in this world. I really needed to hear that. Signed A Scapegoat.
The message they send you every single day of your childhood is DEEPLY implanted . How could it be otherwise ?
Personally , I think it takes a miracle to uproot the lies.
When I saw the triangulation games being played against me, I left, and I went no contact. That was a year ago and I should have done it sooner! ❤️
I know what you mean.
Same ❤️
I don't understand how people can be so cruel 😞.
They lack self differentiation
Psalm 58:3-5 explains how (certain) people can be so cruel. We are not all of the same seedline (Genesis 3:15).
Scapegoat here, I am gratefully thankful for my scapegoat role! My mom took on her role to show me the type of woman, mom and person I do not want to be and I view it as a blessing. My moms mom is the matriarch and my siblings are being the upmost gaslighted and I am thankfully grateful I got away and I can see truth and reality.
With due respect to the lovely videos this man makes, guys watch this video at 1.25x. You will just love it!
I just wish there was someone could see through the lies and rumors and could get genuine answers and help .
I like being the scapegoat. You’re the most mentally strong - that’s why they made you the scapegoat. You get to escape the upside down clown world the narc and golden child remains ensnared in .
I’m 34 and currently live with my mom, sister and step dad and this is how I manage to not be their scapegoat anymore: grey rock… dismantle negative projections and drama by staying neutral, calm and non reactive. Boy oh boy do my sister and mom love being dramatic and getting a defensive reaction out of me!! If I’m too happy and things are too peaceful thats a problem. I am very very different from them and I pride myself in my differences. I am learning how to love and accept myself and to choose peace over anything. My sister asks me why do you do this and that and I say because I do… I’m just being myself!! I love my quirky, eccentric imperfect little self!! I don’t have to portray myself as perfect at all!! Like my sister does! I think I have turned out to be a rebel of sorts because of all of the projections I’ve gone through growing up!! I was forced to stay in a tiny box that wasn’t me at all. I can’t wait to be out of this dysfunctional environment.
It sounds like you have already done a lot of inner work. Remember that the journey never ends, but small improvements could drastically improve our inner levels of peace and our ability to to stay non anxious also in anxious environments ❤️
Yes, thank you! Your talks on self differentiation have been helping me a lot! 💗 you have also confirmed my idea that we not absolutely need others love and validation. I can be fulfilled and content on my own. I love to meditate and love spirituality and mindfulness. That helped me when you confirmed that for me.
hi I don't know if you'll ever see this but just wanted to say thank you for your comment. every single sentence resonates perfectly with what I'm living with right now (except I'm 32, no step dad but a dad divorced from my narc mom who still to this day seeks her love and approval by calling her & playing into her drama). I escaped the madness for 15 years but recently got guilt tripped into moving back in with my mom because "she's dying"... come to find she has no serious diagnoses... anywho, I'm printing out your comment and posting it on my wall. Neutral, calm, non-reactive. My new mantra. Thank you for sharing. Your comment exudes awesomeness that I one day hope to emulate.
Have never felt that I belonged anywhere. I am a loner and thats just the way it is. I dont really like people.
EVERY sick system NEEDS a scapegoat .
When I went away , the baton was passed to another sibling.
Its sad because it hurts EVEN the perps . They never get to heal their own defects and toxicity because they project them onto someone else .
Sad all the way around , BUT you're helping NOONE by allowing them to scapegoat you .
PS
"Shame-shed" is a PERFECT description of what they do to the scape goat .
They need a place to deny and offload all of their shame.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. The best thing my alcoholic, narcissistic mother did was die. I am finally free from her hatred and scapegoating. No contact was the solution. Self-love is the cure
🥺 this makes me sad, but I get it.
I can't believe how terrible and abusive some families are. It is so heartbreaking. I went no contact a year ago and my life is flourishing. I am focused on healing and my boys only. Thanks Mr. Wise. I love you.
I was taught that I was too sensitive. Shame shedding was the rule. Every chore was what my parents hated as children I found out years later listening to my father. I was truly brain washed! Thank you for this! I am also African American, and was walked into a Elementary School where my mother, and I were being called racist names out of the windows while we walked up! These were children! She proceeded anyway, and I was scared to death! She put me in there, and it was hell! She was cold hearted! I was a pain, and she did the most expedient thing for her! Then down hill from there scholastically from there. It wasn’t me after all. I am now 57 years old now. Still learning about this.
This is exactly what I've been dealing with now for two weeks. It's a pernicious role that gets worse as the years go on. I'm 59 and still looking for validation from the cult called family asking them inwardly to end the hypnotic trance! Thanks this was amazingly helpful.
it only get worse if u stay in it! GET OUT OF IT!! STOP seeking validation!! cut all toxic people out of your life!! no contact!!
Oh lord 🙏 please please, stop giving your power away, searching for validation and acceptance from ugly ass people, any one with a hint of malignancy will see this as a window of opportunity to exploit you. EASY GAME.
Validation, Closure, acceptance along with happiness and peace, all comes from within. No one else. Take the reins and Own YOUR truth, say nothing and let time do the talking!!
You have a potent mix of strength and determination within your core, if you listen to your soul, take action and Realise YOU do have a CHOICE you will have access to it. Take care, wishing you the most profound healing journey uv yet to experience. GodBless you. X
@@aylafreeman298 excellent way of putting that ::dont GIVE your power away:: hmm so true
Don't drink the Kool-Aid in order to be polite and get acceptance. I had to cut my losses and move on. Acceptance is the answer to all our problems. Changing our understanding of our role and taking action is what brings a new happiness
We have to let go of desire/dream of getting any affirmation from family & give it to ourselves.
My Mother was a covert narcissist who was also an alcoholic on the autism spectrum. My Father showed narcissistic tendencies and made my brother and I the scapegoats. I developed an eating disorder that was evident early in childhood. It allowed my Grandmother to make me the scapegoat out of her six grandchildren. What a tangled mess. I am 59 years old and proof you can heal and go on to be happy and successful. Even if it takes years to get there
It's a life long journey and we all have our own path of healing. Keep it up ❤️
This is a very good presentation, one of the best I've seen. There is one thing I disagree with though "people have become mentally ill to fulfill their roll as a scapegoat". I personally believe that the abuse, mental patterns and devaluation etc. that comes with being scapegoated is the 'cause' of mental illness. I think this statement needs clarification.
It does affect you if you have a narcissist x and your x family and own kids end up being narcs...we do see us as the problem when your broken with pains from what other's have done to YOU....and yes alcohol and illegal activities....Cover up lies on top of lies, clan of liers cuz I was the whistle blower...Yep all the negatives were my fault...yep Unipolar what I said....they are the piece of garbage sewer and scum of bottom of the pond...Lol....All the years of HELL when all lie, all the lies blew up with lie detector test and the truth.....what happens in the dark will come out but it is too late, Almost lost ME and I was lied to years and years and people knew lies...
This. This is a crucial and very important distinction.
I agree. How does anyone expect us to be 'normal' happy and healthy when we are excluded and mocked and not told why.
I went crazy but I also think they drove me crazy!
I was bullied into replicating the symptoms of mental problems I didn't have, but which my mother could get a lot of money for. Themed financially-motivated gaslighting, I suppose.
Any mental problems I did have were utterly denied of course. My brother to this day thinks I was faking being depressed to see if I could get interesting pills from the doctor. He cut me off though for dumping my life story on Facebook.
@@paysonadams4597 “It is no measure of good mental health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” -Jiddu Krishnamurti
This is done to my husband on a sickening level. Like it's extremely sad
I was always supposed to be the one with all the answers but NEVER need anything or have a problem myself. My older sister said she can't believe I need glasses to see.....what! Why? Because our parents didn't need bifocals! Really!
This one sister is a few years older than me. Recently, I said I have to go to the podiatrist because I have a bunion....she invalidates me and said, "That's OLD people that get that." I'm not allowed to be human or have any issues in life. I can't get any validation or real love from my dysfunctional family. They do love to put me down....
I know that. 😀
I know...I'm the lier and abuser when old man gets Viagra and pays for services behind my back....making my life stressful being sick and I get lied to over and over while being sick to point I ended up with heart attack...
I can so relate to this except I was the oldest “pseudo mom”. It was my job to take care of and be there for everyone else but gosh forbid I have any needs of my own.
Yes, when I have medical issues or any kind of problem, it’s not “real” to them. It’s strange. So now I don’t tell them anything.
I can totally relate to this! My sister does the same.
I have never understood scapegoating and narcissism better than when you explain it. How refreshing. I am learning do much from you. Thank you for sharing your hard work and expertise with us.
Very true. I am the scapegoat of my family. I was born into a very abusive household. Everything was somehow shifted to me. My fault. I am 47 and still it is a thing. I am going no contact and some are trying to now be in contact when I want nothing else to do with them. It has been awful. And not interested in being a part of it.
Exactly. The reason one of them keep a little contact, is that rthey want to gossip. They need the info and also everything about your children. Thats their fuel
@@LR-yu3mx So very true! This is referred to in Scripture as "the cords of the wicked"....
Psalm 129:2 Many a time they have persecuted me from my youth,
but they have not prevailed against me.
3 The plowmen plowed over my back;
they made their furrows long.
4 The LORD is righteous;
He has cut me asunder from the cords of the wicked.
I moved away- 3000KM away. Guess how many of them all live within 5 minutes of me? ALL THREE OF THEM.
My bro is the golden child and is utterly broken from it.
💔
When I was very young, my dad was the scapegoat. Then, when my father started drinking and going to spend time with his girlfriend, my oldest brother became the scapegoat. My father left and my brother left. I became the scapegoat and the middle child, my brother became the golden child. Later, at the birth of my daughter, she became the golden child and I remained the scapegoat. I was the one bullied but took care of the narcissist. I hated holidays because I was the center of everything wrong. My first husband was another narcissist. When we divorced, although they hated each other, they joined ranks to try and destroy me. With God I survived. I spent 20 years as an over achiever, no emotion in taking care of my daughter and mother. In my forties, I married a God fearing man, who saw what was going on. He supported me walking away. I now have none of my family but I have a loving husband and mother in law. What did I learn? God allowed everything in order for me to see Him. Now, I look back and see His glory in everything. I am alive today because of Him. He gave me the love, knowledge, and the will to survive and learn the truth.
Nice to see you were saved...Jeh God bless you...🌻
So beautifully written. My experence has been the same. I give my Father in Heaven all the Glory. I would not be here today if not for Him watching over me my entire life. I was like a leaf blowing in the wind, or walking blindfolded through a dark, unknown forest.
Being scapegoated hurts like hell
Yes it does indeed
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Yes 🙌🏽
As having two high-functioning boderline parents and one covert-narcissistic sister, these videos help me on my self-healing journey beyond measure. Honestly, I never thought I would achieve calmness and detachment on my own, but thank God I do now. Thank you so much Mr.Wise!
How long did it take you to feel ok? I have 2 narcissist parents and a covert narcissist sister too. I'm 36 and just went no contact, within 1 day my Dad and sister made my 2 aunts and grandma turn on me and all I have left is my wife (who is amazing and very understanding and helpful). No other blood family left since the rest of them live in the middle east and we barely ever talk. I'm having trouble sleeping and almost went back to using drugs at first. I stayed strong and didn't thankfully but everyday is really hard still even though I know my family never cared about me and was only using me as a scapegoat since I can remember.
I will never regret having told the truth.❤
I feel like this guy writes a journal for me. I listen over and over and over.
Same 😊
Looking for validation from those who've nothing to offer in that vein!, taken me 60 yrs.
Janette Coleman, I'm about your age and was also Scapegoated. Suggestion - check out here on You Tube - Lisa A. Romano, she was the scapegoat and has healed tremendously from it. She has numerous, excellent videos on Codependency and Narcissistic Abuse. Some other names - Jenna Ryan - SelfLoveU, Rinda Smith - Rinspire Counseling.
Wow. This is the final piece of my understanding about my ultra golden child brother and me being the scapegoat. I’m 70 years old. Finally have it figured out. Thank you Jerry and God Bless.
Wonderful! Thank you!
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
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Most people neglect the things I've wished for.
This is why I never punish my kids for their failures.....
Precisely because their failures belong to them, and are not a reflection of me.
My goal as their parent is to guide them through their mistakes without placing shame and guilt, and/or projecting my personal feelings onto them ....And to teach them that they are in complete control of not only the solution, but also the path forward so they can achieve personal growth through reflection.
Yes journaling, writing letters, therapy.
anyone who scapegoats another co-worker should be dealt with... ruin another's life. criminal. evil.
This was utterly heartbreaking for me to listen to (because of the sheer accuracy and truth in it all) I'm so glad, though, that I did finally snap out of my role of that false reality. It took me over seven years to do! but I am so much clearer in my life, live with integrity and valuing those things most important to me. and to finally permit myself to experience joy.
it has been 17 for me. the emotional pain never goes away.
what did you do to change it?
@@EndTimesRadioTV it took A Lot of determination, compassion, and somehow just believing that I could be free if I kept trying to be. (No contact has also been hugely beneficial but also so challenging to do) ❤️🩹
I just got my childhood flashback and cried alot
I am a scapegoat!!! I see through all the bullshit of the dysfunctional family!
I was a family scapegoat because I wasn't wanted as a baby girl. My older sister wanted mother's attention all to herself so she tormented me behind my mother's back. I had a lot of breakdowns and told mother what my bully sister had done and my sister would say it was the other way around that I was the one who kept provoking her. I was assumed to be the liar...lying about my sister all the time. I had absolutely no credibility whatsoever. To this day I don't trust anybody to believe my story. That made it hard to heal.
I have healed a ton of the damage done to me. Have led an extraordinary wonderful life but still held back by bullies and con-artists a lot. These videos are a great help to my last year's of life. I'm now 80 years old. Living in Texas, involved with 12 Step programs, and big community issues. Involvement keeps me uplifted!
A 'healthy' family must be very rare. It's just a matter of degree. The scapegoat has it the worst in one way: the narcissist(s) are out to crush his or her spirit. Usually, with a child, the narcissist monsters succeed overwhelmingly; however, in rare cases, s/he will find a way to transcend it and grow up to be balanced and whole, but only after decades of inner work. In my case, the narcs recruited practically all the extended family and a once close friend, who creepily became involved with them, including my ex-wife and kids, while I was overseas. When I spoke with him I could feel the change in attitude toward me. Recently, I learned I'd been disinherited over a very small matter by my vindictive narcissistic mother whom, upon my return to the states, I stayed with and helped through the covid crisis. Also, I had been left out of the obituary by the golden child's adult children, even after donating bone marrow twice to save his life! Shockingly, my elderly mom cares more about her dog than her kids and grandkids. Fortunately, I have a place to go, and the means to succeed there. It is my intention to go completely NC, and never look back, so they must find a new target to project onto. I'm hoping that eventually some will break out of this toxic family cult, and reach out, though I'm not holding my breath.
How on earth did we humans become so toxic? Show me someone that is "well adjusted" and I can show you thousands that are no where near that. As the world is falling apart, we are seeing every one scapegoating every one else. We are headed for chaos.
We have a blind spot, humans, our own self. So it is very easy to see when we only look outside. So it only hurts when it's done to us, we don't see when we do it.
Hell - Repent and turn back to GOD.
well what do you expect in a world full of selfishness and not selflessness
@@kaelightupthedark humans need a good religion. We're just not ready for atheism. Its toxic. Imo
They might be any form of addiction. Child neglect can be extreme for the scapegoat also. Thank you so much, excellent post.
Dziękujemy.
It's sick and evil, to make them feel better about themselves! It has made me so sick, and my life still at 61, can't stop the madness! I am a magnet for new Narcs in my life. Even though I escaped the family system, I can't make anything of my life! I'm still in hell!
Just cut ties with the last member I had contact with.. He called me a month ago needing help( but mostly to argue as we are politically opposite). I felt like I would be putting myself in great jeopardy going to his home. I clean for a living. I just cant take his absolutely no concern for me. After ruminating for a month. i texted him to not contact me again. I haden't talked to him for 6 months and he brought up every polotical issue under the sun. While acting.like my opinion was crazy. Your videos are so helpful thank you deeply.
There was never any alcohol or drugs in my house, my parents were just plain mean, abusive & narcissistic. I was the scapegoat & my older sister was the golden child that got away with anything & was very spoiled & got whatever she wanted, even if it was something of mine. I got blamed for her wrongdoings & literally anything that went wrong at home. I was treated the exact opposite. Anything I needed or wanted, sister got it instead. She never was corrected or punished. They literally labeled her as “the good one” & me as “the bad one” & always said that along with the beatings & verbal abuse that I received. I still suffer, mentally, from their abuse as an adult. I find it so difficult to break away although I desperately need to.
Hi everyone, I’m 46 years old , & January this year I only discovered / learnt about this disorder . It has ruined my life to date ( all the characteristics , I have , beenscapegoated ) I have had numerous successes in life but I actually self destruct , I am into my 2 Nd year of self destructing properly this time , this time thanks to people like Jerry I can see a little light
This should be introduced at a very early age in schools , give some tortured children hope , that’s I believe what we should be campaigning our politicians for , to educate our children in what is healthy , it will have untold economic benefits for the world . The reason I equate it to economics is it possibly is the only language there is a consensus on .
Thanks for all your insightful videos , they have been a great help.
The narc parent(s) train the Scapegoat to self-sabotage throughout life. You have to break that programming off and end it.
I was the family scapegoat, I used to think it was because I was the youngest until my cousins child started chastising me over something she found out I'd done when I was a child! It hit me that it was a role they'd put me in and that the younger generation wouldn't respect me either. My problem now is being scapegoated when I try to connect to new groups. I've often felt like I'm put at the bottom of the hierarchy in other social groups and it's a terrible, terrible feeling to continue being disrespected like that. I have been in some non abusive non scapegoating groups in the past in different areas so I know they exist, it just seems that most groups have a toxic hierarchical structure so good groups have not been easy to find and as a result I'm isolated and feel vulnerable and depressed.
if we grow up being scapegoated it can impact the way we experience and function in relationships as adults. it may be helpful to get Professional help to help you observe your own functioning in relationships and maybe change that functioning if your interested in that. Sending love and support
This is amazing for me to hear - very validating of my real life through decades of experience as the family scapegoat, in a family where talking about, or even evidently sensing what's really going on in the family group dynamics is seen as a threat that must be punished. Thank you so much for this video!
Very well said! Good luck on your journey. I can’t wait to escape.
This black sheep says: Hi and much love to all scapegoats.🥰😘 Personally I'm glad the scapegoat haters (my family) don't have eternal life. Even if it felt like that....Constantly!
I am 63 years old ... and still recovering from my f*;'*ing role to do my very best, to do everything to get peace or being loved aswell...Mission imposible for the scapegoat! My parents have already died but I didnt even feel any sorrow. My brothers only learned me as the cause of all problems. So they still treat
me as I don't exist. I still hoped that if my parents were gone, it will be all right between us finaly... Unfortunately, this doesnt work either! In fact, you were expelled from the family. It feels like an orphan who carries all the baggage of people who even don't want me to exist. Its all an ugly game they played.. Unfortunately my brothers were also injected to treat me so rude as my sadistic narcissistic mother did. They dont know better, its their blueprint too... 😱😭
@kristof verbruggen Thank you so much for your kind words! A malicious narcissistic parent in the family has such a profound effect on their children. They all get a role. In short, its still quite a process to get rid of all damage that I once thought could still be fixed, could be so much more understanding and lovingly be resolved… Unfortunately: NOPE.
But I'am happy with my own family now, 2 wonderful daughters. My mother couldn't stand it, that my children loved me and vice versa. So even to my, then young own children, she tried to make me bad, ugly and black! This broke a really vital chord in me. I went no contact and never saw her again. It was a great relief! I never ever missed her one second. 🤗
@kristof verbruggen How are you doing?
@mdmmalou - never to late to change and break free
Jerry you are so intelligent, honest, ethical and a true truth teller. Thank you! Finally, what I have dealt with all of my life is being brought out into the light. It is a miserable life living under the domination and control of people like this who not only ruin you, but when you start to bring out the truth, they then gaslight and verbally abuse you. I have dealt with people like this my entire life, at home and at work. People are so sick, they destroy so many peoples lives, then they try to make it look like it is you and then go after your children and try to do the same. I am so happy that the truth is coming out worldwide, no more will anyone have to deal with this!! You are a blessing!
I'm sorry you had to deal with people like this all your life. I'm glad you find my work helpful. Thanks for being part of the community ❤️
Someone has to take the blame for the bad stuff going on. This is the unconscious reasoning. What a burden to carry. Yes someone has to be the bad guy. it's not your fault. Reprogramming thru reparenting meditation, healing for the inner child. Tks Jerry.
Being scapegoated destroys a child, what happens when they grow up?
@@katedawson6654 They either run to their true Father and get to know Him and how much He loves them, or they self-destruct according to the plans of the workers of iniquity (aka "narcissists").
I'm 62 and saying goodbye to the many siblings that were...
Same here. Hope all is going well
Me too.
I have started the no contact when I turned 60. I had contact earlier this year and had realized that no contact is extremely important.
I blocked my sibling's number but she keeps leaving messages in voicemail every so often.
There were years she never cared to contact me for years. She's always been a bully & no use in responding.
Thank you SO much for this much needed information. I was absolutely the scapegoat from my narcissistic mother. She pretends to be a saint to the outside world, but is very evil. I remember this happening as early as 3 or 4 years old. I would receive punishment for everything that the older golden child did. I was blamed and punished for the sexual and emotional abuse that I endured as a 6 year old. I was punished for crying when the older golden child would bully me, so I was not allowed to react to the bullying. I was punished for having friends. I was punished for having an opinion. I was punished for attempting to join school activities, have friends, stand up for myself. I was punished for wanting to go to college. My only coping method was to become as small and nothing as I could, to be perfect so the punishment would happen less. But the narcissist mother would still find reasons to punish me. She would snoop through my bedroom from top to bottom while I was school and find something, anything to be angry at me. She would go into rage if I talked to my dad or spent time with him. When I became pre-teen I had no money for clothes, or very little if she gave me any, and then she would make fun of me for wearing the same clothing over and over again. This list goes on and on. My Narcissistic "mother" told everyone in my extended family that I was a terrible problem child, when I was actually a quiet, well behaved, kind child. She would continually fill them up with lies, she didn't want me to have any ties to anyone. So I became smaller and smaller, and my only coping mechanism was to crawl in a ball and disappear. When I finally moved out at 18, she would tell my cousins that they could have my most prized things, like my flute, items I connected with etc. So I had to given them anything that was mine because if I didn't, they would just think I was the horrible person that was selfish like she told them I was. So I just always gave in with a smile, (painful) in my efforts to show them I was a really a kind hearted, quiet person. But you cannot change decades of lies that your own mother created. She created herself to be the victim and me a horrible, horrible person. I tried to block her and her gold-child daughter out of my life, but she hired private investigators to find me in the of "love and concern for my safety". I never did drugs and don't drink, always do what Im told, always the "good girl" to avoid punishment. And then the bully/victim/scapegoat hell continued. The worst was when I met a wealthy/powerful man who turned out to be exactly like her, but he was also extremely violent, and I would get blamed for it. (Just like growing up). I have several broken bones and my life was threatened numerous times. He also befriended my "mother" sending her flowers and chocolates, and crying to her that I was so horrible and spoiled because I was leaving him. I told them both to stop talking to each other. They teamed up on me, and more than ever, they made me out to be an evil spoiled and ungrateful person. It became so bad that when I attempted to call the police when he was strangling me, he grabbed the phone and turned the situation around and was arrested because he made the call. I finally escaped and have never spoken to any of them ever again. I changed my last name and am getting help for severe depression and PTSD. It's been hell, and I hope I can heal. The hardest part is the Mind-"f" this creates when I know I am a quiet, kind, high integrity person. My friends know me to be that, and I have to convince myself that I am NOT what the evil, narcissist mother made me out to be out of her need to scapegoat her inner demons. I just want her to leave me alone and let me live my life so I can heal and hopefully have some happiness in the second half of my life.
I pray for , peace, love, and joy in your heart and mind.
I can relate to your story and my heart goes out to you. 💜
I beleive your mentally tough and will make it out of this with much joy. Knowing you survived and will eventually thrive.🌹
God bless and protect you 🙏🏻
You will heal 💕
I can relate . You are all so 💪 strong ❤️ I still struggle with my mother and sister trying to take control over my son, they hate his father, my mother puts all this negativity into his little brain about me and anyone else she pushes away from us, my sister (golden child) is very entitled and can do no wrong, and my sister acts like she’s the mother by doing nice things for my son but then I realize she does it to make me look like a bad mother. I try and want a relationship with my mom and sister but I’ve grown to realize they have always been this way and truly don’t want to see me succeed. I don’t want to cut off my family because my son adores my mother and sister so much but unfortunately it’s like watching my child self in the mirror, watching my own baby grow up in the same toxic environment i did, it’s very heartbreaking. I pray I can afford a place for my son and I to get away to safe and secure home of our own.
You’re in my prayers.
I don't matter and never did in my family or my surroundings. It's hopeless.
I was scapegoated by my family because I was indeed, different. I was very bright, insightful, and competent. It was particularly confusing because I did not get overt negative verbal attention. I was completed negated -- any success was negated, ignored and devalued. If I was not "all 'A's", I was punished. I understood at age 12 that I had no future in the family and would continue to be abused ( we were all physically abused). At that time I basically went "gray rock" and began planning to ensure my independence and left the family at age 18. I was lured back into the family to rescue someone and yes, still my help was denied or demeaned. Finally I learned to not respond and black them out: at times lonely but it was profoundly lonely and painful to be "in the family".
Yep, I got yelled at, accused of being unruly at school and threated with having to drop all extracurricular activities because I had all As and one B. I was 12 at the time and that was my first B ever.
11 kids I'm 2 youngest I was the scapegoat,till this day just aweful hearing this makes me so angry.I knew it wasn't me
Me too, #10 of 11. Blessings to you
My dad is the oldest of 11. He got it the worst, he turned into an alcoholic in adulthood. The pain he experienced passed onto my siblings and I.
Thank you, this is very helpful! But... As a scapegoat I never went out and 'rebelled'... It was just that I was gaslighted and always told that everything was my fault
Me too.
thanks for the great video. As the scapegoat, I have always had a deep feeling that there is something wrong with me since early years. all the later neglects and abuses have been built on that kind of like jenga. But I am taking the tower down now and wish same for everyone in same situation. take care yourself.
I haven't even watched the video yet, but the thumbnail caught my eye and I relate to it b/c I was referred to as the names associated as the arrows pointing to that child. I was the "lazy" one, the "fat" one, the "dumb" one, etc. O really do think I struggled learning b/c of the chaos. When asked to do something, whether at school or home, I was slow ton understand at times, had a hard time paying attention, and didn't always understand requests made of me right away.
I being the eldest daughter was the scapegoat of two narcissistic parents . They screamed , blamed , insulted , name called until the relief of ridding myself of them was a big event in my life . My mother screamed her blame for my father's depression onto me ' he's lying in there because you're such a rotten good for nothing ' when I was 14 . It was my fault when my sister got in trouble with a teacher 'he thinks she's you ' . The irrationality of it all . When I married I never called home but within couple of weeks my screaming , raging mother was on the phone to me to unload . At least it was easy to hang up . I kept my kids away from them as it was apparent they were ready to verbally abuse them also . My mother smoked herself into cancer and died at 53 - guess who was expected to attend her bedside ? I robbed her of her chance to scream at me with her last breath .
Good for you👍
From the deepest of my heart: THANK YOU💗🙏
You are so welcome
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families!
Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I’m an only child but my family dynamics allowed my cousin to be the golden child & myself to be the scapegoat. Took me 30 years to understand the many different problems created within myself from being the scapegoat. It is a horrible nightmare trying to grow past the pain of never being accepted or worthy.
This is one of the very best videos I have ever heard on being the scapegoat and how to rise above it. Thank you kindly and happy Thanksgiving to you and yours
You are so welcome
Awesome video. Thank you.
Scapegoat here. I’m in tears. My heart is broken and my faith lost . I’m 38 and decided to finally walk away from them. All I think about is suicide but I’m so scared to really do it. Will I go to an even darker place? So here’s what I decided, I’m going to kill them off instead from my life . Obviously not literally but mentally. I’m a college drop out, alcohol addicted, narcissistic magnet ... I attract narcs in all my relationships..so I stay alone. After watching this , it’s confirmed in me that I need to detach in a REAL way. I need to stop drinking and grow up FOR MYSELF.
@vibrant lotus how are you doing?
@vibrant lotus was one of your parents a narcissist?