Narcissistic Family: Don't Use Normal Rules for Abnormal Relationships
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- Опубліковано 2 жов 2024
- Do you find yourself using normal rules of relating with very unhealthy people? Have you ever felt like there’s a double standard in certain relationships? You might think, "I must love and respect you," but notice that the same isn't reciprocated. Why do we tolerate these double standards? Often, we've internalized rules that end up sabotaging us.
In this video, I share healthy guidelines for navigating relationships with families, parents, kids, friends, and spouses/partners. Life rules should come with exceptions and instructions, but many of us never learned these growing up.
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
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Psalm 50:16-22 "But unto the wicked God saith, *What hast thou to do to declare my statutes, or that thou shouldest take my covenant in thy mouth? Seeing thou hatest instruction, and castest my words behind thee.* When thou sawest a thief, then thou consentedst with him, and hast been partaker with adulterers. Thou givest thy mouth to evil, and thy tongue frameth deceit. Thou sittest and speakest against thy brother; thou slanderest thine own mother's son. These things hast thou done, and I kept silence; thou thoughtest that I was altogether such an one as thyself: but I will reprove thee, and set them in order before thine eyes. Now consider this, ye that forget God, lest I tear you in pieces, and there be none to deliver." (= pointing to Jesus the ONLY true mediator)
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick family
The proper wey to handle it when someone asks if you have a client or coworker or whatever is to say "I'm sorry but we/I don't take those requests, as it's against the law to so."
This is such a great video! As a Christian raised by a Narcissist (also Christian) mother, religion was always used against me. I was supposed to be loving, forgiving, and honest. That never applied to her. She was angry at everyone, held grudges, and constantly lied. I never understood why "The Rules" applied to me, but not her.
im sorry your mother used the christianity to guilt and control you .. that is despicable that makes me angry at her and sad for your feelings as a child that is so wrong..I am surprised you dont stay far away from anything to do with being a christian . a lot of people do leave the church out of bad memories. God is love not guilt and accusations and the accuser. the enemy is the accuser of the brethren not God .
@@Myssy1 Thank you for the kind response. I guess you shouldn’t be surprised then that you are correct - I’m not a Christian anymore. Nothing against Christians - there are plenty of decent loving Christians
@@Clintthecoolguy
Likewise says the Preacher's and Sunday School Teachers Daughter.....(extremely abusive, prejudiced, & judgemental of other, no Merit to thier Superiority Complex....)
I Love myself and Others Much Differently Now....
Without Fear Obligation Guilt or Shame...
Knowing I am Accountable for How I wish To Navigate this Life with Discernment and Respect to Myself as Much (Not More OR Lesser) than as I wish Others 💕
In the Words of *Tim Minchin" I will Judge You for No Reason but your Deeds..."👌
Much Peace👊✌
Same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was literally Satan.
I have to remind myself they will use anything - any religion, 12 step, new age, secular humanism - to make them look good and you look bad to others and to yourself. And I have to remind myself that these systems have a higher purpose than to be twisted and weaponized. They are meant to lift us up, even if that is by way of a correction, to our best potential
"Family is all we have" is what my abusive, hot-tempered brother said to me. No, there is more to this life besides family especially if you are trying to protect your peace.
Did u reply, "and families are about respecting each other, being nice and loving to each other, if we don't, THERE IS NO FAMILY!"
Toxic and dysfunctional people and family ALWAYS say that. They only say that so they can further abuse, manipulate, and control others. It doesn't have anything to do with a healthy form of togetherness or love whatsoever.
Honestly, I’m tired of hearing that my dad just used a bible scripture to try to emphasize sticking with family. I literally stay to myself and genuinely don’t like being around my parents🙃
@@neriahamponsah2279 People always say "Honor thy father and mother" means to stay with your parents, but I also understand that God's law of being good to each other is more important. My mother is not normal -- and is doing things that are wrong -- i.e. breaking ten commandments. Her behavior has been unsafe for me as well as for my kids. It is not wrong to leave evil people who do not accept that they need to desist. Matthew 19:29-30 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." If my mother is hurting people with her actions, and refuses to acknowledge she should stop, it is important to stay away from her. I walked away from any earthly inheritance, in order to stay away from her evil. No amount of money or material goods is worth as much as my soul.
There are people we are more suited to from other families who are often more healthy to be around.
“We don’t OWE anyone a relationship”.
I literally felt a weight lifted off of me when you said that!! “I owe NO ONE a relationship.” This is one of the most freeing statements I’ve ever heard. Thank you sir! You have impacted my life 🙏
He really is life changing!!!!
Thank you for your kind words and for you watching.
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
I Strongly agree. This is the way I feel about my children. My children are blessings in my life….
The notion that I owe my Emotionally abusive parents My Life is Absurd!
The Reality some parents are incompetent and failure & they Take it out on their kids (Kids are easy target and easily manipulated).
As we grow we get so conditioned to the Treatment until we have our own kids.
Then (In my case) the lightbulb moment happens…
Usually by that age most of us are 40+ with a damaged inner child.
Thanks Mr.Wise!
I felt the same way when I heard Jerry say this!
Agreed
While my father has now passed away, I have come to see that I can honor my parents best by staying away from them. No contact means no conflicts.
Yep. 😢
Thank you❤
Both of mine too. I "honor" them by donating to Charities for their birthdays ."Unhealthy Cancer Cells' is right. Love the Car analogy. This is one of the best lectures I've heard on this topic, if not THE best,.so far. ❤
"Boundaries don't push people away, when people push boundaries, they're pushing you away."
Wow, needed to hear this. Thanks so much
You're so welcome!
The next line after 'Honour your mother and father' is 'Parents do not provoke your children to anger'.
If they've repeatedly broken their part of that agreement then we should feel no guilt in casting them by the wayside of our lives.
Thank you for reminding me of this as a parent I need to keep myself in check and remember to give the same respect and love to my child that I’m hoping for in return. I’ve been provoking my baby to anger whether intentional or not but it’s not okay and perhaps that’s where the power struggles emanate from. Thanks again this has been a blessing.
@@Ms.A422 I started my parenting time like that because I didn't know any different. But like you I realised what I was doing and changed my game. It took effort and a bit of time, but then I gave love to my children, and also to myself. Tried to re-parent myself with the things I missed out on. Both of my children, now 44 and 41 tell me they're really grateful for their childhoods. It's an amazing thing to know I broke the mould. I'm sure you will succeed as well ❤️🩹
That second line is golden. Your children will honour you if you take the time to understand and validate them, versus yelling and shaming them (or worse).
Honor life by discovering the treasure, in matters of adversity. You do so through meditation, reflection.
You honor others also in the exercise of compassion.
YES!!! 🕊️
I struggled with "honor thy father and thy mother" for years. I finally realized that there are multiple ways to honor someone, and it doesn't have to mean bowing to their will. I honored my toxic parents by refusing to get into arguments with them, and that meant limited contact. That turned out to be the best solution for everybody.
Also, if parents are committing crimes, (i.e. breaking commandments) and hurting people without remorse, there is no need to stay with them. Matthew 19:29-30 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." No one should be forced to support someone who is doing evil, and who refuses to change. It is imperative to protect our family from those who would commit crimes without remorse.
@@mvbigmagic4048 Thank you. I really needed to hear this today and to be reminded of that Bible verse.
I agree, honouring them does not mean being obedient to their wishes, this commandment has been totally misinterpreted
A good example of this is how my abuser would always chirp off a twisted interpretation of "honor thy father...", One day i responded "parents, be not a burden onto your children", and thats when the fight "started" 😂
😂
Stephenhuntley- LOL, I got a kick out of that one. And not just LoL but I have a narc mom and a narc sis who I clashed with with this double standard mentality Dr Wise talked about
Tough love was always used on me. So I grew up incredibly sensitive, hard on myself, shamed, depressed, not feeling good enough, not validated.
It’s a cop-out that is fed to observers to excuse the narc for giving NO LOVE.😢
What I thought was tough love and I was okay with it ended up being narcissistic monsters abusing neglecting and abandoning me. There is a difference.
Yes!!! All my friends and other relatives say your mom doesn't treat you tu right!!! My mom always made me feel bad. She is manipulative controlling wont let me talk to my other relatives controls the conversation, no one from my family will talk to me at family gatherings , , ,several times I've decided not to go . . .I share gifts money treats when I go but I'm not allowed to have a conversation with any one and she interrupts and won't let me have a share in bonding with my brother and sister in-law and nieces. .she won't let me talk about new ideas and shuts me down when I try to . . .says she doesn't want hear it while she talks about the same old things . . She screams yells insults snarl throws toddler- age temper tantrums . . .helped my sister's have nice new houses but i ended up with an old junkie(but I do really like where I live and I do have a nice chunk of prime real estate) she would constantly help my two sisters and I was expected to babysit and help my one sister with no gas money or pay to get food or anything, then I was expected to help my sister when I did have money but she doesn't reciprocate back . . .just an all around un even family dynamic. . .on top of everything basically I'm not smart enough or look good enough to accomplish my life goals and my mom would say things to pull the rug out from my feet . . .so I decided I'm never saying anything until I'm ready to go with it . . . I just recently discovered my mom is a bipolar, narcissistic psycho path with ADHD but no one can see this stuff? How come the behavior is more prominent with only one person and no one will believe me?
@@VelvetJazzYes. They don't know how to actually love, and shame us for asking for it. How dare we!
Sounds like contempt disguised as "tough love" that was intended to "help you"
In other words they _needed_ help, but didn't want to see themselves as needing help, so they projected it on you instead
I'm so sorry for you and wish you healing
27:58 "If parents don't love and respect you, you owe them nothing. If parents love and respect you, you still owe them nothing."
I run a fashion shop. My mum and sisters would come into my shop and take what they want to "borrow", when I asked for it to be returned they would claim it's either lost, too worn out no longer in a new condition to sell, or that they've given it away to charity. When I call them out on it my mum would say that I could never repay her as the mother who raised me.
@@zahara6355 hope you’re no contact....check out Bumped Bruised and Blessed channel too.....she has similar stories
I like Jerry's smile as he said the second half lol
@@godzillamanstreb524 Yes BB&B her story is very similar. Crippling unexplained illnesses some requiring hospitalization after each contact with toxic parents and siblings.
@Spring Lemon My mum is still close to her siblings and I can rmbr my late grandma was kind to her and us. Whereas my parents and siblings are unkind to me and my children, no matter how much we try to earn their love. For a long time I thought I was the problem. Until I learnt about scapegoating.
Narcissists love to adhere to the principles of "tough love". Make everything as difficult as possible and sabotage until the target learns to capitulate and punish every misdeed. Make the target catatonic so they can't fight for themselves.
"Make the target catatonic so they can't fight for themselves."
I was a zombie by the time I left.
Well said!
@@username-jc2tp But hey, you still left. Congratulations. It's not like a big outward triumph, you kinda limp off, but quite a feat.
Thanks for this. It explains why I stayed 26 years married to my toxic covert narc wife
@@username-jc2tp OMG, that is so true...
I sometimes feel that my mother feels more at ease and "in her role" when I'm bedridden because the moment I am not, she starts increasing "level difficulty" of coexisting with her to unmanageable levels until I collapse back into being helpless and physically dependent. I had two narcissists like that at home and it felt the same...
Pretty sadistic but covered up with care, but I swear I feel a little crazy that I sense as if they NEEDED me to be powerless...
It reminds me of therapeutic fibbing. Sometimes “lying” is ok. Also, people may use concepts like “family is everything” or we should “love everyone” to avoid the hard work of separating from toxic people.
exactly....I just had a family member of mine plus in-laws use this one!
I know you can always find a verse in the Bible to support one's views, but it clearly says, people can walk away from family, in order to pursue a good and more compassionate life. Matthew 19:29-30 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first."
I believe we can love those toxic people from a distance and hate their behavior. Jesus loved people but hated and didn’t put up with their sins.
Protecting your self from “evil”manipulation is a “healthy” response.
I have told my son that I don't want him to ever think he owes me for raising him. I said that I won't settle for having him around because he thinks he owes me, or because he thinks he has to do so, and neither should he. That is the worst of the options. Rather, we hang out together now because it's what we both want. This is a principle my own parents, with their authoritarian bullying, sense of entitlement, tantrums and demands for compliance, could never comprehend.
'It would be immature to love someone who is mean/toxic.' I realise that when I attempt to love mean people, it is coming from my child self who had no choice but to bond with such a cruel woman.
People get the Honor thy father and mother wrong. Honor is not synonymous with treating them with respect and kindness and reverence but doesn’t. To Honor a person is to treat them in the truth of who they are. Not a false person. You honor then by treating them and dealing with them as their true self. That is the real meaning of honoring someone. Honor who they truly are. Not some other being. Honor their toxicity. Honor their hateful or vengeful spirit. You don’t honor a demon by treating them as an angel. That’s really dishonor.
That's good stuff.
Bullseye 💪🏾
Thank you my friend because I too honor my parents by giving truthful testimony about them. Within the extended family it has been an excellent test for whether or not I want them in my life!
Thank you so so much for addressing the old "Don't call anyone a narcissist because you're not a psychiatrist" load of 🐄 manure🤗.If it 👀 like a 🦆,walks like a 🦆,flies like a 🦆,swims in ponds like a 🦆,& quacks like a darn 🦆...Then it's pretty fair if you call it a 🦆.
I have learned that honor your father and mother law came about because at the time the 10 Commandments were written the laws of the land allowed parents to actually kill their children if they were disobedient. That’s why that commandment is different than all others and comes with the promise of doing it for the reason of “that your days may be long upon the land.”
😲
My father had a violent rage and would often threaten to kill me when I was a child. He told me that Romans had the right to kill their children by law as they were their possessions, as if to justify the threat.
This is ridiculous. And absolutely NOT in scripture.@@wishbonefolly2880
OMG I didn't know that.
@@wishbonefolly2880 Lovely. (sarcasm.). Well, Rome fell didn't it...
Great video. In my family I was never allowed to have my own opinion or voice, there’s so much triangulation, and everyone is always not speaking to someone else for ridiculous reasons, plus gaslighting, and no closure to any conflict ever. This video is so validating and such a helpful advice I needed today. A “balm” to my soul. Thank you!
This is an amazing presentation!
I went no contact with family over a year ago when my mother's funeral service was a production showcasing my narcissistic minister father and sister .It resulted in 2 sisters discontinuing communication with me.
The result has been a new and beautiful life for me!
I have recently found you and am so
grateful to you!
Matthew 19:29-30 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." It's not wrong to walk away from family in order to pursue a more peaceful life.
This is so true! I have been trying to deal with this concept of "honor your mother" when she has hated me and tried for 56 years to ruin my life. This is what I am going to tell the next a____hole family member that tries to use this on me. The rule doesn't apply when she is sinning against me continually.
Exactly they take pride in their predatory ways...they all stopped talking to me,,because I achieved and doing what they thought I would never do..my business yee
Or how about “she’s your mother”. Yeah that is a reason for sympathy not an excuse for us to be abused!
I just went through this with my father in the past few months (currently no contact since November -- he did try to hoover yesterday via phone, I did not pick up). I can relate to what you say here about the double standards. My dad literally *did* say that he was just the way he is, that he wasn't going to change (i.e., keep direspecting me via constant criticism, interruption, negativity, lack of cooperation, and more). I have been in therapy for the better part of 41 years and have CPTSD so bad, I haven't worked in about two years after getting fired by a bully who put me in the hospital. I am very serious at this point about not tolerating anything from folks that chronically choose to mistreat and misunderstand you, thwart any attempt to reach them respectfully and reasonably to request they work on their own behavior. I don't understand why they expect to be loved simply for being themselves but they offer you NO peace to be YOURself.
I Hope You Can Find You own sense of Security and Validation, its quite a Journey, Expect More Hoovering Smearing and Flying Monkies too!!
Try to maintain a Sense of inner Calmness and let Your Patterns Speak For themselves🤘and Inspire Others to Want to Better Themselves Vs Defending Who You are or Trying Way too Hard to Preach it to them 💕
It Truly is a Well Worthy and Anxiety Reducing Process 👊
VERY well said and ditto per my Mom and Dad and the traumatic effects and subsequent narcisistic abuse/bullying later in life. 😔 I am finally speaking up or moving on now, though, no matter be who it is. (A nail tech became quite aggressive in her speech and the way she was handling me yesterday and I immediately said "No, that's not acceptable." I recently recovered from a broken ankle and subsequent surgery. When she STILL took out her aggression on me I proceeded to take my leave. The owner came and took over and gave me a respectful, gentle pedicure service.) Yay me!!! 🤗
The last line hits home. And it's a good enough reason to cut these people off for good. Take care.
That is my Mother.
Literally every time she acts like shit, she says, well, I guess I'm that kind of person, I guess I don't know how to really love anyone 🤷🏼♀️
Well, she's caused so much pain and even physical damage for me that I will have to start being completely cold with her because she still expects we should be friends with her but puts no effort in changing her behavior.
She values nothing that I do, moreover, anything that I do help with later on is turned back on me with blaming, putting down, and yelling sessions as a "thank you", if anything goes wrong (and it usually does because her own choices are inadequate and creating constant chaos).
I wish I could get away as possible from such sick people as Her. It is very sad and scary to have the only family member close by when you need help, who is so toxic.
This is so well said. I am very low contact with my family after experiencing this exact treatment. Working towards no contact. I do know that I do not owe these people access to me, especially when they freely mistreat and abuse me, then take no ownership of what they do.
My mother told me frequently we don’t need anyone else we have family bonds.I was suppressed as a child and forbid from making friends at school.....Years on I have a handful of close friends in my bubble at 61 yet my 94 year old mother and siblings ridicule me still for this,as they think they are more worthy.
27:45 "If parents don't love 💗 and respect you, YOU OWE THEM NOTHING. If parents love & respect you. You still owe them nothing. We don't owe anyone a relationship. DNA ties or not!" So freeing. 🙏 tysm🌻
Pretty messed up to say if your parents loved and respect you, you still owe them nothing. What a loser.
And if your grown children can’t respect you, let them go.
@@ThehelloSQ true.
@@ThehelloSQ we don't owe anyone a relationship and that applies to anyone
It’s not very common to have raised your children with kind love and then find them as adults rejecting and being disrespectful to you. Children act disrespectful but if the parent that situation, doesn’t use tough love and only acts as a child themselves, then the child as an adult will not respect you and will have to use the tough love on you that you should have used at the appropriate time
This helped a lot and made me realise and finally accept the situation I'm in. Living with someone who has obvious mental health issues is not working when I'm trying to play by normal relationship rules. It doesn't matter how nice I am, or sympathetic, or kind - I'm dealing with someone who has paranoid delusions. I feel silly for even trying to create a normal healthy relationship with a person with an unhealthy mind for so long.
Maybe this will help you feel better, playing at being “married” to this person for 38 years.
Please do not feel silly I understand why you feel that way but try to remember you were just a child who had to survive in the environment you were in.
“It’s a two way street”. Thank you Jerry. I needed to hear this for 60+ years now. I’m a Christ follower . My mother has used scripture (or what little she knows) against me, especially when I was a child. Honour Your Mother has now a clearer understanding for me. THANK YOU SO MUCH :-)
“They decided to push me away” by me setting boundaries and then disrespecting that.
They did not have interest in learning or being understanding
The statement: 'I will let the universe deal with you' resonated deep inside my soul because I have often said this quietly to myself especially in the presence of difficult individuals. I practice saying yes to myself first before saying yes to others. Most days, this decision helps me to be clear and to be at peace. Thank you Mr. Wise for your wise statements. These are life affirming!
Well said. Thanks.
Love this
Fantastic video, I got a lot out of it. 29:45 "If they hurt or betray you badly once, they will again in the future unless they do the inner core work." Thank you Jerry! ☮
Glad it was helpful Steve
the way I see the honor your mother and father commandment is this..... it says truthfully ." honor your mother and father IN the LORD". if your mother and father are not IN THE LORD .... meaning they follow dark selfish controlling angry rude condescending haughty gossiping. slanderous smearing spreading around things of lies.about you .. they bare false witness on you .. everything in the proverbs 6 16-19 verses where it says everything that God not only hates but he Detests.. it is the exact representation of the narcissist. they are haughty they gossip they lie and bare false witness they shed innocent blood . they are quick to rush into evil . they break up communities and cause dissension etc.... if your parents are not . IN The Lord.. meaning they serve only themselves .. we can respect them from afar and going no contact that is about how much a good person should be required to treat a person that breaks all the commandments and represents everything that GOd says he detests in people.. check out the proverbs verses its exactly who a narc is..... I have been no contact with my narc egg and sperm donor.. God is my father he loves me he says he knew me before the beginning of time. and he has a purpose and a calling on my life. he calls me chosen and called me to be with him .. he loves me and I call him my father.. that sperm donor is a serious sicko and I dont have to be nice to him I can ignore him until he gets taken to hell ( and yes he rejected the gospel when. shared it to him . he said ." im a good person im going to heaven I am a good person im not weak I dont need God "' I find it shocking he thinks he is a good person ... a father that says ; oh I knew when you would be home alone with your mother and I was at work all day that she was harming you and when I came home I did nothing to stop her " then he gives the psychopathic smirk and laughs. as she starved me and watered down my formula beat me and I was a baby and he would not stop the abuse he instigated child abuse. he deserves not a second of my time and he is not ' in the Lord .. he never was.
Great video, very helpful. About owing someone a relationship - here I would argue that we DO owe our children a relationship.
We put them in the world and it is our job to raise them in a healthy, loving and nurturing way so they have all the tools necessary to transition smoothly into adulthood and create their own healthy life. It doesn’t happen automatically at 18years of age. It happens as a result of very hard and focused work we should be doing as parents.
I would say, "we owe them love". We owe everyone love, but that does not mean we owe everyone relationship. We can love people from a distance.
I grew up in a toxic family. So much of this rings true. Reading Scott Peck The road less travelled was an important part of my recovery. Im so happy that psychologists are really understanding and helping people. Im optimistic about the future for the human race. Perhaps my granddaughters will inherit a better world.
“Don’t call someone a narcissist”
Well, it’s terrible, used as an insult.
But if you are in a situation where you are trying to figure out what exact cocktail of NPD, BPD, and OCD explains your abuser… the precise definition doesn’t matter! It’s time for you to protect yourself and redeem your life from their clutches!
This one was amaze balls. Most poignant one for me was…we don’t owe our parents anything…whether they were abusive or not abusive. And just noticing that a lot of these things often get twisted straight from the pulpit.
You had me at amaze balls 🫡💛😅
Amazing video.....so soothing to hear just bc they are close to us....family mbrs, good friends.....toxic is toxic & we do not have to continue in the relationship
I want to like this video 1000x times!! 👍👍👍👏👏👏👏👍👍👍
Thank you so much 😀
My mother always has double standards.. she shows me little respect and gets offended and defensive about everything.
Thank you for allowing God to use you to help heal so many of us through this difficult and painful situation that only self aware victims can understand. Forever grateful
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
You add some fundamental principles to our belief systems. I really love this content. Thank you. We need permission in life to evaluate these core beliefs. They are pretty strong in us because guilt and shame is what we so want to avoid. One speaker said that he found that soldiers suffering from PTSD most often felt the worst trauma because of what they had done, as apposed to what had been done to them. When we react badly to evil, it feels that we become evil itself. Thank you for this clarity.
The double standard rule is mind bending. My mother uses the card But this is how I am! This is my personality! to get away with her covert abuses. When you do the same to her, she goes crazy. You should follow all the normal relationship rules with her but she doesn't have to follow these rules with you. This reason alone is grounds for no contact. I can't see how a good relationship can form between me and her.
Yes Yes, My Mother Does What Your Mother Does As Well. I'm Sure They All Read From The Same Script, Full Of Deceitful, Negative, Egregious, Double Standard, Manipulation. In There For Them, I'm Sure They Have Thier Cronies Who Either Are, Just Like Them, Or They Don't Know How They Really Are As A Negative Person. They All Have Negative Double Standards And Always Will Give Half Truths, Lie By Omission, Tell Whole Lie, And Half Lies. They Are Unjustly.
And what do we do with Luke 14:26
“If any man come to Me and hate not his father and mother, and wife and children, and brethren and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple.
How do we reconsile this with: "love thy neighbour as yourself" How are we asked to love and hate at the same time?
@Nancy Hollo I understand the part of loving others as yourself, i just do not understand how that other verse of luke speaks about hating your father, mother and own life...
Also Jesus spoke some very harsh words to the pharizees telling them they were hypocrites and breed of vipers. That goes against the "love your enemy" right?
I agree with his approach because truth isn't always fluffy, but i can not reconsile the two perspectives. Also the part where it tells us to not even eat together with unbelievers makes no sense in comparison to the scriptures that teach us to be loving to our enemies.
This is so helpful. It really brings me back to the very beginning of my awareness that there is even such things as emotional and verbal abuse. I remember a priest said to me, "Of course you're angry. You're being abused." And I was shocked he would just assume something like that. Well, his response sent me down some rabbit holes and now here I am again remembering that he said to me, "You don't have to keep them company." I was blown away and thinking that couldn't be right.
Well, he obviously knew what Jerry Wise is telling us. Jerry Wise if Very Wise. Thank you! 🌼
This is one of my favorite videos of yours! And I haven't even watched the whole thing! So Valuable! Wondering why no one has ever said this to me before! You are making a great contribution! Thank You!
Wow, thank you!
This is so helpful to me for trusting myself instead of family rules. All your videos have helped me over the years so thanks. This message comes to me at the perfect time. I think Christian women have an especially hard time being brought up with the idea they must tolerate and forgive everyone else and live on a one way street. I’m aware that forgiveness is for yourself and doesn’t mean anyone else will change. At times guilt arises when I won’t engage with narcissist behaviors in my family of origin. Apparently I’ll always have to be aware of toxic rules that creates so much pain even in old age.
This video was so important for me, I have been really feeling some grief for standing up to a sibling who has been awful to my twin, myself, my father. We grew up in a home with a narcissistic mother, my twin and I were very abused, physically, mentally, emotionally, my mother has since past away and luckily before she died I was able to have a loving relationship with her where she saw me as a person, my youngest sister who was the golden child and the one my mother molded into her mini me, seems to feel quite entitled, expects perfection from everyone else, is verbally abusive, and downright mean to my twin for years, she is not respectful to me either, she expects to be able to insult others, she dominates 100 percent of the conversation, everyone else is expected to listen to her, we give her way, she was at my family gathering and tore into my sister humiliating her in front of my husband and I, I asked her to stop, she kept going, over talking intent on maintaining her entitled behavior until I finally I had to get into a shouting match with her to get her to stop. Now of course she is the victim and I traumatized her. Of course I feel awful, she is my little sister, my little sister who is 51 years old. I feel sad, but this time i don’t want to take the blame for anyone else’s bad behavior. I tried to ask and convince her to stop many times. She couldn’t respect that and had to keep fighting for her way to treat others badly. My twin has had mental breakdowns in her life, I also had a bad one, I just couldn’t take seeing my youngest sister berate my twin like that. Thus helps me to feel a little more ok with letting go, and not feeling so responsible to fix and repair. I have also been struggling with “ what would God have me do” question and turning other cheek and what does forgiveness mean. As a child I suffered so many punches in the face, constant humiliation, lectures till 4am, and random rampages, complete annihilation, I can’t stomach abuse and domination anymore, and sometimes I feel like a target.
I'm not even 2 minutes in, but I have to comment. I cannot stand the phrase "tough love" because ever since it came out these hard hearted monsters have used it against their victims. It's the last thing decent people bring out to deal with these monsters after nothing else works, BUT it is the FIRST things these monsters who "say" the "love" us bring out against us. It is so twisted.
Agreed, they find every reason to be mean to people and to justify it. Tough love is one method to justify terrible behavior. They use tough love so much there is no love given at all, ever. While they enjoy watching another person suffer.
Raised by 2 narcissist parents having no contact with over 30 years. Since that time been faced with different things in my own life. Thanks for being on utube you live up to your last name.
You have changed my life ❤️ Your videos and concepts and insights have taken my healing to a really great level. Thank you!
Also, if they say "Well you can't cut off your family" and it's bases on the Bible, ask them to read the story of Abraham (pbuh)and how he and his family didn't like that he was smashing the idols and then threw him into a pit. He called on Allah to save him from the fire, he was saved and then left family
The sttories in the Quran and the Bible differ. The Bible version was written first and therefore is more accurate.
Its not that we shouldn't love narcissists, its that we shouldnlove ourselves equally
This was very helpful in the context of my relationship with my roommate who holds double standards. Thanks for all that you do, Jerry. I’m becoming a better person through your work.
I am glad u clarified such important issue . I haveoften made myself guilty because of these should and shoud not internalised rulez
Perfect timing. I’m about to get together with my dysfunctional family system members! Praying for the best, letting go of all expectations however!
That was a fantastic video Jerry. Thank you.
Thank you. About "turning the other cheek", I guess it is to be taken symbolically/metaphorically, as "be so un-reactive / differentiated / mentally strong from someone's abuse that you can turn the other cheek = make them face their own actions and responsibilities. as everything in the Bible, it's about inner work and Jesus-Christ is a metaphor for perfect self-affirmation, a 'divine' state of being.
The scary part of this is when you realize you have been living under some of these ways of being and need to change. The awareness that you are somewhere between this narcissistic world and the healthy one. Time to dig in and do some work.
The one thing that I've noticed that's a part of their toxic love is they can say or do whatever they want and we are obligated in their minds to accept that. If I did or said what they do they'd throw a fit! Then there is the overlay because they have more money more resources of them 'giving', so you feel more obligated.
❤️ Thank you Jerry 💕 for creating this wonderful video 💓and giving me some tools to use to change my life 💝.
this feels like a gift; thank you.
I am the youngest, I know I have to have the minim contact with my mother now although she text me I feel I can never see her as I used to it’s like a mask felt off. I love her. I don’t understand why this world is this way. I’m okay with being on my own it’s always been this way. Hope I can be stronger soon and find peace at the end.
at 52 years of age, I needed this message.
I’m glad it was helpful ❤️
Children are too little and feel too vulnerable to expose their abusers. Parents scare kids with: "If you say anything, they'll take you away and give you to monsters."
..and they are the monsters sad😢
Yup heard that before unfortunately as a child I naively believed those monsters would be worse!
I had to leave my toxic husband 8 months ago. As you said here I am not qualified to diagnose but he does have many of the behaviors of untreated borderline personality disorder which didnt show up during the love bombing stage. No contact and tough love were hard concepts but necessary unfortunately. Thank you for this video.
If I had to choose between two less-than-ideal situations, I would much rather be raised by an emotionally mature agnostic than be raised by a devout churchgoer who thinks that being my mom gives her license to treat me in any way she wants and feels entitled to suffer no consequences for disrespectful and out-of-control behavior. I’m sorry 😞 but a genuine belief in God does not insure honorable and decent character in a person
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
The tax question reminds me of my Mom asking two questions per our Covid vaccines. The first was about timing, which I answered spontaneously. It didn't take long before the next question came up - which kind of shot? I drew the line there - not feeling the love, as usual. Her motives have almost always been fear-based, information gathering, or self-motivated as far as I can tell 🤷♀️ I was pleased that I had the presence of mind to draw a boundary. Somehow, she usually has me eating out of the palm of her hand - who knows how she manages to do that with all the shenanigans throughout the years 🤷♀️ ANYway, one small win for Kimkind. But, it's not really a win. I would much rather be able to be close with my Mom and discuss my feelings, her feelings/concerns, have her understand my needs, concerns, preferences without judgement or a feeling of superiority. Even, volunteer in the community and make a difference during this crises. Ain't gonna happen 🤷♀️🙏🤕
Ms. Kim, applying Mr. Jerry’s concept and I say this with experience, don’t grieve a normal relationship that you’ve never truly had and would never be possible with your mom and her characteristics, for lack of a better term... You’re doing the absolute best with what you have.... Set yourself free... 🕊🕊🕊
@@LosAngelesLaura I finally did with my Dad, now I am so close with her. It's so instinctual to be loyal and loving to your own parents. Until, your right mind has to take over and choose you over the abusive individual. It's beyond time. I have wasted DECADES of my life, good heart, and well-being.
Great analogy of sick cells!
Just yesterday I thought that narcissistic personalities are like those cells that have gone cancerous.
If you enable them, they are going to spread and consume everything and everyone around.
And healing sometimes will be tough love, firm boundaries and deprivation, so they start to regulate themselves.
Thank you.
Great video! Thank you Jerry 🙏 feeling supported when leaving a very toxic narcissist mother means so much.
Sometimes the loving thing is to walk away.
Sometimes you need to love yourself.
When it comes to loving yourself, it shouldn’t only be sometimes. Loving yourself is a nonnegotiable in all relationships including the one you have with yourself
@jerrywise absolutely. I will rephrase:
Sometimes, you need to remember to love yourself; sometimes, you need to remember to choose yourself if somebody else never does.
I love who I am, but I lost who I am in the thick of all the narcissistic chaos. I developed BPD, and it has taken 13 years of Christian faith and a hell of a lot of work and God's grace to recover.
Jesus showed us that love is letting some people go their own way. Think of the rich young man who wanted to follow Jesus, but in the end, he chose his riches. Jesus let him go. He didn't chase him down or try to convince him to make a different choice. Jesus kept His focus on His path with God.
We should do the same: pay attention to people's choices and let them have it without deviating from our own path.
Oh my word THANKYOU This is so CLEAR when you say it but I just didn’t see it like that THANKYOU THANKYOU
May Christ bless your work to help many amen
You are so welcome
Honor thy father and mother but if they are not honest, and being right gotta distant yourself
This is one of my favorite videos if not my absolute #1. Insightful, smart, clever and to the point. You have helped me in a few days from a family trigger that has been tormenting me for 2 years. Thank you.❤
Unique and targeted information for all those who have experienced relationships with aggressive and manipulative people. Thank you so very much!!
Love thy neighbor 😂if would be a start if neighbors were kind to each other 🙏🏽
I am almost 50, and I’m just starting to understand this. These are such good insights. I honestly just realized that the right thing to do in a recent interaction was to lie. For years, I held myself to a stricter standard than the toxic people in my life were held to by me or themselves. It honestly never even occurred to me that the situation should ever be any different than me respecting the rules and them deciding whether the rules applied to them. I knew they didn’t follow rules when they weren’t convenient yet for some reason, rules were like gods in my life. I have had a supernatural respect for authority that could create self harm while I was raised by people who either disrespected authority or bent reality when it pleased them. I feel I am only growing up now. I hope seeing this video helps others to grow up younger than I have. Thank you.
You have verbalized my way of being for my 40 years of life. I do hope someone readd your comment a gains relief and a "Ah Ha" moment. Thanks!❤
Good points you bring together that are very intangled in society. Thsnk xou so much for this! 🙏🏼🕊️
Most welcome!🙂
Thank you so much for all your free videos here on youtube. They are helping me tremendously. 🌻
Glad you like them!
Thank you Jerry, such incredible common sense and so validating. It gently encourages us to discern for ourselves what is healthy for us and what is not and yo have the courage to look after ourselves where and when others or society has failed to. This is such a gift ❤️
So CLEAR.....and SO VERY GOOD. As stunning and bright as your great shirt.
Thank you Jerry!! On the way to “freedom” from lies and dysfunction.
This is a great video with very useful information!
I’m glad it was useful!
Amazing work, video. Thank you
you hit the nail with this one Jerry. so much in-depth insight, need a few more watches to internalise. much appreciated as always.
An excellent talk about a “double standard”. It used to drive me crazy & made me be in a shock when I witnessed a double standard behavior. No more thankfully!!! As I understand normal way don’t apply to abnormal behavior. O well it is all about learning & maturing..Thank you for sharing the video Jerry….❤
Never can you go on to long 💕 Thank you so much 🍀
You are so welcome Gaye ❤️
Jerry do you have ideas how to forget about the past and live a new life, how to get free from past memories that do not let to be your authentic self
I would live to hear what Jerry has to say about this. Just me, I centered on my values by taking a class and that didn't wipe out the challenges, but it gave me a sense of my center and some forward momentum. I hope Jerry makes a video on your topic!
A video from Mr. Wise on this topic would be great!
when v r normal to them and they illtreat us then somethng is wrong withm I try my best to b away from people who control, demand and destroy my happiness
Wow, Jerry, this makes so much sense! Thank you!!
Fantastic video , never had so many good advices .Thank you so very much 🌷🙏
You are so welcome!❤️
Literally one of if not the best videos I have seen from you Jerry. I have listened to this about 7 times already because it hit very hard and I feel I need to repeat this over again to marinate. This video helped me keep no contact with my mom with lots of narc tendencies on Mother’s Day. My uncle was sort of guilt tripping me to call. I listened to this video and didnt
Wow, thank you! AM
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
• The Illusions of the Narcissist
• The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
• Living in the War Zone
• 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
• 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
• Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
• Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
• Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
• Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
• And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
@jerrywise 3 years after this, just to say thank you again. Last year, I was able to go to my cousin's wedding and confront the place that I literally ran away from 13 years ago (with the help of my supportive and loving cousins). I was able to see everything you were showing clearly ,my abusive narc mom for who she is and the flying monkeys in my family. Living in a delusion. I held my boundaries and I didn't even talk to them. They tried to get to me but I didn't let them. I learned that day that sometimes your presence alone and a clear lack of interest is the biggest win ever and messed with their head. I'm have been recooperating myself more and more. Swimming and biking, eventually gonna take those dance classes. Teaching myself things to improve my life and learning about myself and loving myself. Doing the work, doing the therapy. Thank you so much Jerry. You have no idea how much your videos have contributed to my healing.
You are a pro at what you do. You should be very proud of the professional experience you have and exhibit. Well done Sir.
Thank you very much, I'm glad you find my work helpful ❤️
Thank you. I always wondered about this. Crystal clear.
Great concepts, articulation and comments section. Thank you!
My relationship with my spouse is mostly double standards, "Let the kids play alone or you'll interfere with their imaginations," yet they play with the kids imaginatively every day... I can't buy or do anything to the house, but they can make major changes without even asking me...sometimes even rearranging something I just organized.
Sweetheart, whoever is undermining your authority. Put an end to it now before your children start running you over with no backup from your supposed partner. Personally I'd divorce now before anymore harm is done.
Thank you Jerry. You explain this concept so clearly! It is very affirming to listen to this.
This is excellent. Thank you
You're very welcome!
Gosh! I am so grateful to have found such validation.
I respectively disagree about lying to a client. The truth is that the best answer could be ( I can not disclose information about individuals whether i know them or not).
As a former psychologist, this was how I always handled that question.
This is great! Thank you
You're very welcome!
Amazin'! This video is so helpful - thank you!