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I am a scapegoat whose family on both sides saw me as disposable. I found 12 step groups and therapy and learned I was actually the healthiest one although they ostracized me.
Yes. I just saw your response today. Please be encouraged, and know there is a better life ahead. Going fruitarian helped me immensely. My health and my outlook too.
Every family is different, but engaging my family in any way, would have been like gearing up to wrestle alligators. I realized at some point, that I just don’t want to wrestle alligators. So no contact was the only way to go. Not having the crazy dysfunctional drama in my life has been a relief. It has allowed me the space to heal.
Today is the second anniversary of when I realized that I was the family scapegoat. And realized that there was nothing that I could do to change anybody's mind. I still have some processing to do, but I thought today would be a good day to watch a video to reinforce what I've already learned. After 2 years, it is getting farther and farther away in the rear view mirror.
Wonderful analogy. I gave up wrestling my alligators for a few years then I recently came back for more somehow thinking they changed from alligators to puppies. Boy was I delusional. I now have to ask myself when I will finally be done wrestling alligators.
no contact alone seems to be different than growth in "self-differentiation". As Jerry said, we do 'have to work more'....yet in love to ourselves and others. "the family in me" reognized vs cancelling others.
Oh, but if you do this it's grounds for being a covert Narcissist. Because doing this would be considered a power play. Only seeking control. Which in some way is true. But is more like regaining control over your life that you never had
I've gone no contact but it took me decade to understand the root in NPD Then we have to constantly train ourselves into being confindent unconditionally Our handicap is the profound devalorisation and identification
I'm trying again, since August. I am 60; Dad is still a tyrant. I don't live with him. He nitpicks and lectures me. I have selective hearing: ignoring him!(it's true, I have hearing trouble). My way of saying "no" to Dad.
I discovered that while I'm playing tennis on my side of the court, my family is playing dodgeball aiming at me 😂😂😂 so no contact is the only way to go. Giving up playing in this case is a real blessing.
@@MagneticNorthbound I wrote that a year Ago, recently made contact to my mother, we had a phone call, and all It did for me was show me I need to keep the distance. I guess eventually she will get to the same conclusion, that there's no more hope to out relantionship. Never underestimate the value of hopelessness in certain life situations...
I couldn't change the scapegoating , projecting , name calling , insults , lying and all the rest that went with my dysfunctional family of origin . I really had NO interest in back stabbing and gossiping about all the relatives and neighbours . No one was spoken well of in our house and by the time I was teenager I knew this wasn't going to be my life as I was more interested in making my own decisions and being independent of this s..t . This attitude brought about even more enragement from both parents - guess they felt the loss of control as the hate erupted towards me even more after I left home . NO CONTACT was the only way I could deal with this . The only person you can change is yourself .
This is bang on! I'm the youngest and only girl. As I came out of my 'family trance' I realized my older brothers were narcs and one was incredibly misogynistic. I'm low to no contact and it's the best decision I have ever made.
At my mothers funeral ( i Found her; I was her l😅ve in care giver ( lived in 25 years)! one brother screamed at me, " you are a Horrible Person Carol" ...... [ you are very welcome, I was glad to take care of our mom]!!
I believe engaging with the family in any way is a fruitless activity. Because even if you are calm and explaining yourself, there is still a transfer of energy/ attention to the toxic person.
yes, they also see when you are less triggered, they view you all of the time as if they are two people, one for the people around them they want to be loved by and hide how much envy and hate they have for you and hide how they will treat you any time they can get away with it, and then on their shoulder is the other person that hates they cannot get at you at the time you are less triggered and just join the family meetings and play with their "dumb kids", but they are counting and measuring your every move and what you tell their kids too, and as soon as they can use what you tell their kids they will attack and make the innocent kids think strange things about you as well.. they are smart this way.. my father is narcissistic and abusive, my sister is sociopath or psychopath, my aunt is a border liner just like my father's wife is... all good people in my family have passed away, either by heart attack or cancer.. last year I got handicapped by my father's surgeon college who turned out like most surgeons to also be a narcissist and I have been lying alone for soon two years in a bed 80% of the time with zero support and full narcissistic abuse by all of them, now when I am handicapped they can neglect me as a means to abuse me and lie even more about me to extended family and other people.. is very sick how these systems work
My side of the tennis net.!! Great expression. Several years ago I began to Stop hitting the balls back (secrets, lies, manipulating,controlling , desperate to fit in I made lots of mistakes in the game.), playing the family game I put my racket down , left the court. Now when the game is on( family gatherings) I watch the game. I don’t hit the balls back, when the balls begin to land near me I leave. Game over. It’s been hard work yet well worth the effort.
I'm not even allowed to go to family gatherings. Since my dad died, I became the scapegoat for many years. She made sure to turn everyone against me though. Oh well I have my own life and I am stronger than they know.
@@joey5816, my dad’s wife did the same, along with half sister. For over a decade no extended family contacted me or had anything to do with me. So evil and sick. They were furious I will no longer allow them in my life. Game over. I win.
Thanks! You have a good understanding of all of this. Currently my narcissistic mother and brother are not speaking and I’m so proud of myself to not even be concerned about it. There’s nothing I can do and there’s nothing I want to do! Lol!! YAY!
Wonderful. The initial detachment was like going through a sound barrier for me. Thrashed around by overwhelming turbulence - inside myself and from the family. Confusion, pain, grief. And then it happened. I was on the other side. Ohhhhhh. THIS is what it feels like to be in my own skin. That clarity. Standing in my own power. My peace is not contingent on the family system, living in that was actually never peace. Differentiation IS the powerhouse. Thank you for all your work Mr. Wise. You have helped me tremendously.
@Rose Wow. Beautifully said! It’s a deprogramming isn’t it? Which is confusing because it’s not an evil cult - it’s family. Our family. “ Familiar”. Our orientation to life, love, ourselves. But it IS so powerful and how clearly I see that enmeshment is not love. When I came out of the spin cycle 😊, I experienced this clarity that if I do me and let you do you - whatever the fall out - that’s actually love. And spiritually, that’s letting God be God. It has been like a rebirth as you said. Thank you❤️
@Rose I knew THEY were enmeshed. but denied that I was as well. Ha! I didn’t see it until I was on the other side and only after a boatload of pain and frustration. And then piece by piece, sometimes big chunks, sometimes little glimmers, I shifted. Sometimes letters written with no intention of sending to “defend” my stance, my very self. I would listen to Jerry’s talks on differentiation and he was an anchor to reality. And then the day came, just like he says here, where I realized I didn’t WANT a relationship with people who bullied me into submitting for the sake of “ family”. I was going under. There was no peace for me and maybe it took being broken by the system to finally save myself. I no longer feel the need to engage or respond. Now that I’ve tasted the fruit of my own autonomy and freedom, I could not eat the poisonous fruit again. The guilt and that nostalgia ( although for what, really? Belonging but to what? At the cost of not belonging to myself) still creep in. Instead of fighting it off I can be gentle with these feelings. Yes, this is sad. It’s not what I would have chosen. But it is reality and I can’t control it, nor do I want to. I see the love in this. Allowing everyone their own experience and reality and not needing to change anyone. But ferociously protective of mine as well. No pronouncements of boundaries because as I healed ( after torment), the boundaries happened organically. Detaching and differentiating required action long before my emotions caught up. But I chose health. I chose to own my truth even when floundering. Even when flooded with confusion. I had good support systems and a great therapist who anchored me while deprogramming. Thank you for your response. I wish you peace and joy as you continue on the road less traveled as Jerry said. Also recommend listening to Elizabeth Gilbert’s recent interview on the “On Being” podcast. Something tells me you would like it. ❤️
“Worrying about them is an enmeshment state. Judging them is an enmeshment state. Blaming them is an enmeshment state”. I habitually do this with different people. Thank you Jerry. May be best to ignore them and all their pleading or toxic or destructive dramatics. I recently figured out that babysitting other people’s feelings is an enmeshment state and when I resisted participating in that I found whole windows of time I could use to attend to my own needs. Jerry I benefit from your efforts.
You're probably right, but I'm not going to beat myself up for taking as long as I need to heal from this all. If that takes judging and ruminating, just like I got out of a bad relationship a few decades ago that way and healed pretty good, I'll do the same with toxic family that came out of the woodwork as such 5 years ago
Violent criminals, stalkers, mental abusers are FAMILY MEMBERS. This vid, while good, should start by warning: Engaging with toxic folks is toxic or even deadly. No Contact should always be stated as a viable option to stop trauma and start healing.
Because our family's dysfunction can live within us regardless if they are physically close to us or no longer alive. The goals isn't to get ourselves out of the family but to get the family out of us.
I have found that the best way to feel with my narc family is often complete silence. I can't say anything right anyway according to them, so I just remain silent and dont react at all. It works! You get your power back. Of course, you won't have much of a relationship with them, but that's maybe not a bad thing. Thx for the helpful video 👍❤
Here is what I learned. Years ago I moved out of state for a couple reasons. I hate my job. I always wanted to go somewhere warmer . I was tired of being the scapegoat and I wanted to get away from my mom and one sister who aren’t nice. My sis was asking me to watch her daughter every single weekend ( even though I had pager call and worked more then her etc ) but she wanted weekends with no kids. My mom had me driving her all over the city every weekend . That’s a long story. Anyways. About 6 years later I moved back to my home state thinking all that time has passed , those two are older. Maybe they changed. They didn’t. They got worse. Long story short I’m planning on moving out of state again so there will be no expectations of me being anywhere around them. My mom doesn’t drive. Doesn’t have her license or a car and she refuses to get her license and just expects everyone to drive her everywhere so I know she won’t drive to visit me. My sister who is a major church narc won’t bother to drive to another state bc she doesn’t like me anyways so I won’t ever have to worry about a visit from her. Those are really the only two in the family ( besides the narc sis ex husband ) I don’t care to interact with either …… things will be much better. I will keep busy with fritnds and work and my husband and animals. I was so much happier and had way less stress when I wasn’t around them those years I was gone. Best thing I can do is just move away and not deal with them
Very important points. People don't change: think of that and make sure to base your actions and expectations on reality, but not on their reality, or your imagination...
I'm no contact with my family since our last gathering. I will not be going back for more pain. I'm not even gonna send them a Christmas card either. The less I think about that snake pit, the better I feel ♡ ♡
Thank you for saying that worrying about them, judging them, or reacting to them is reactivity. I've been guilty of doing that lately and haven't even realized I was just playing my enmeshed role all along. My family has a tremendous amount of anxiety and everyone here is in a survival mode. And it's true what you've said, it's because they have chosen not to deal with their feelings. Denying the truth, ignoring their emotions, ignoring reality and such can mess you up mentally.
I have always felt that if I don't keep trying to get along with not nice family members that it's a flaw in me. I'm finding that I'm not the only person who has a dysfunctional family and unpleasant people. My brother hates me and has since he started doing drugs around age 12. He is an angry person who likes to cut me down, call me names, mock me when I'm making dinner for the family and busy trying to get it all together. I'm sick of it. I have recently just given up. We're never going to be close siblings. He's my only sibling but he's never wanted to be a big brother...it's like we are enemies. Still makes me sad though. I would have liked to have a loving sibling.
Most of us here never had healthy love mirrored for us. Your brother sounds like mine..There's something wrong with whatever I do. Some of us stay in that place forever and some of us choose to work on healing.
@@judyd6414 Yes. I'm really trying to heal and deal with the residual effects of an abusive brother. My parents always coddled him. My mom saw him as the prodigal son. When all is said and done, his life thus far has been a disaster, he is perpetually lost back in his high school years/the time he started doing hardcore drugs. He seems like he's 18 still only now he's 60. His choices and behavior sadden me, anger me, perplex me but I'm moving on and I've finally realized I can't make him realize whatever potential he has/had. That was always going to be up to him. It will fall to me to deal w him if something happens to my dad because my brother is living rent free, bill free there and has no job or source of income.
The best thing I found out, is just dont have anything to do with them, not even holidays. All my siblings except one. I cant and refuse to be mistreated. When im around my sisters they never let me in on any conversations, and look past me, are tell me to shut up, youngest one is the worse. Im done! Im their scape goat, including my mom.
Have learned to notice when I see behaviors I don't like, not take it personally, not try to change it, and instead focus on staying in my frame, sticking to being who I want to be, not pulled into trying to call out or correct other people (needs to be done on occasion, but not EVERYTIME), my inner dialogue when dealing with difficult people, is "ok - I may not agree, but I am ok with you being you, that is up to you".
I had to go no contact with my mother (the enabler) even though she was the only one in the family that cared about me at all, because she continued to let my siblings do horrible stuff to me and wouldn't say anything...my dad (the narcissist) would always listen to every phone call I had with my mom and would jump in whenever I said something that annoyed him, so it wasn't a relationship that should be continued. My siblings always thought it was normal to mock and mistreat me because my dad always did it, and validated them when they did it, so it became a habit for them all.
I'm so sorry to hear this. My mother is the covert narcissist and systematically turned siblings and my oldest child against me, along with my grandbabies. Haven't seen them in over two years. But yet they are continually exposed to her. Oh well at least I made my own life with out their bull....!!!!
I have just gone no-contact with my mother, so this is good timing. Great advice for going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving!!! Have a happy Thanksgiving, Jerry!!
I just cut the last cord 2 weeks ago, my one toxic af sister I kept contact with. The rest of them I cut loose decades ago. In the past 2 weeks I am noticing toxic behaviors shedding from me I was unconsciously holding on to. I do feel bad that I was holding on to being gossipy and self important.
You have to do the “foot work”. No body can do it for you. No one else can KNOW your difficulties, but you. That’s why you must deal with you, honestly.
I have self confidence, a sense of peace, no longer double minded, no longer ruminating and second guessing myself, and most of all, that heavy burden of feeling responsible for the happiness of the N. (and my “duties” in the N. family I grew up in) has almost gone away. The No Contact continues, and it has freed me to look forward to pretty much every day. I discovered I am a competent and thoughtful wife, mother, and friend, who makes wise choices, and I have filled my life with meaningful activities and inspiring people. Those guilt ridden, resenting thoughts have evaporated slowly, and I do not have ill will toward the N. I will remain no contact because it took many years to heal, especially the last 2. I know better than to step back into the quicksand that kept me suffocating. I wish to end my response by thanking God for His guidance in what seems like an unloving decision to make. My husband and grown children see a changed me, and have been very supportive.
To Sir Rantsalot: You have a clever UA-cam name, and I just want to invite you to not live up to your name. You were not created to be a person who is a ranter. You were designed to live with power, that is controlled and uplifting.
“Given that ‘this is who they are and how they behave’, what kind of relationship do you want to have with them, with them as they are..” … woah……. That just melted so much of the confusion and tension inside of me. Powerful stuff. Thank you. My ‘they’ are just such assholes, and it’s merciful to consider that I don’t want-to-desperately-want assholes who are fed-by-hurting-me to have me keep clawing and clambering to be in their presence so they can hurt me…
It's so sad and tragic to spend one's life fighting with one's family.😔 Our families were given to us by God to be our greatest source of encouragement, strength and support.
Jerry! I am FINALLY getting there after lots of recovery work including your videos. Going from compliant to aggressive was part of finding balance. But, of course, the aggressive phase just gave them more fodder. No matter - I have detached bit by bit. It's definitely a practice. Ty 🌹
The aggressive phase has nothing to do with them. It's for YOU. Get mad demand YOUR rights then CLAIM them by becoming the individual being you are. The sad part is that they will most likely make themselves unwelcome in YOUR new reality
Thank you, Mr. Wise for your videos I have learned a lot on how to protect myself from my father. I discovered I have been doing different things to change how I interact with my toxic father. Even both siblings left home and got lives and families of their own. It helps to know what you are dealing with so you can practice being your adult self. My father wants to keep interacting in a painful, put me down and trys to treat me like I am still a child but I ignore it and always act as i am (an adult)and i only interact with him when I have no choice and focus on staying calm and give him limited information as to keep him in the dark on purpose. I practice worrying less about how he may react in situations. and
I "went" no contact from my family for 1,5 before I was able to causiously have some contact again. I needed to selfdifferentiate. I am still practising and reflecting on a daily base and your video's are- and have been of tremendous help Jerry. Truely a light in the dark. Thank you so much
I would never go near my family of origin again; too dangerous. Protect yourself, dysfunctuonal families do not improve with age. In my experience families get worse with age.
I think that the most important thing that happened to me in “self-differentiation” was the healing of my “wounded child”, so that the “wounded child” was trying to always “get what i need,” because i am now free of trying to protect myself from those i thought were “authorities” in my life. Actually, they are “wounded children” also. I can act independently of other’s opinions, and actually SEE what is going on around me. Thanks Jerry!!
Dealing with my family is beyond exhausting and I’m tired of trying. My one sis is very judgmental and always says something that makes someone angry. My sis has 0 empathy and just can’t put herself in someone else’s shoes to see how they would feel if the tables are turned. She has judgment on things like if you are gay , not married , don’t have kids at a particular age. She judges people on the type of jobs they have. What they wear. She doesn’t like any gifts given to her. Never says thank you for any gifts given. If she shows up to a family get together at a restaurant she will eat your appetizer or dessert but she doesn’t contribute any money toward it. She doesn’t like to help pay for mother day dinner. One time I finally said let’s all three pay a little toward moms dinner and she looked at me as if I asked to punch her. She never tells me happy birthday on my b day but I tell her on her b day. She buys her family 1-5 dollar gifts but buys her fronds 75 dollar gifts. It’s as if she is putting on a fake persona with people outside her family . Ids very weird. Even when she got married and told everyone where she was getting married her and the soon to be husband looked like they hated life. Looked like they didn’t even want to be there. When they announced the first pregnancy to us they looked as if they had just gotten into a huge argument or didn’t want the baby but they didn’t look happy at all when they told us. I have a million other stories on her. My mom wants everyone to do everything for her. She is healthy and able to do everything on her own but she expect her kids to take her weekly grovery shopping , all her dr appts , bank , movies , restaurants , every time there is a holiday we have to pick her up and take her home. I’d I say no and set a boundary I’m given silent treatments and talked about what a bad child I am. List goes on with her. Then my other sis makes excuses for mom’s behaviors. She just never says anything . She says the only reason she even talks to sis I mentioned above is bc we don’t have a family so she guess she has to. It’s so much dysfunction and I can tell nobody wants to be around each other but we kind of force it but nobody has a good time. Someone always gets angry . I just stopped going to any family gatherings. To exhausting
7:48 I really get this, & it's very powerful. Deciding my own limits, what I will or won't do was one of the first steps I took (within the past 6 months). My family of origin is very uncomfortable with the boundaries I set. They want an immediate "fix" for their concerns. It isn't going to happen. I put my health first, and they don't like that at all. Viewed from a different perspective, it's almost comical to watch them mentally stutter. I've regained a sense of inner calm and wonderful detachment because the Drama no longer attracts me. "Not my monkey -- not my Circus."
It was exhausting dealing with my family of origin. I am so different than any member of my family oldest of 7 siblings former parents who were very abusive in every way. I am the scapegoat and was treated as such forever by parents and siblings. The best thing was to distance myself permanently.
I am in the same boat. Oldest and scapegoat. I’m so thankful I was willing to get into Al-Anon and go to therapy. Being the only one changing in the family is hard but continuing to be part of the craziness was worse.
@@dnk4559 I think I already replied to you here today but I can’t find it. Anyway I totally understand what ur saying. It gets worse by staying enmeshed in the toxic family system. It is exhausting and will make u physically sick. So glad you got out.
@@laraoneal7284 yes thank you for this though. I definitely have dealt with the physical illness of dealing with my family. I feel sooo much better now and am sleeping so well probably better than I have in my life.
If you are close to your brother spend as much time with him as you can. Make beautiful memories. He won't know if you don't go to his funeral. Celebrate his life with him. 😊
I'm watching this video but also v impressed (as a visual artist) by the lovely frame and Jerry's new hip glasses. Really nice touch Jerry! Also have bene using your techniques during a few conflicts and they have worked so well. I no longer feel so powerless!
This video is going to be on repeat for the entire year for me, especially since I've reached the "change yourself or else" stage in my FOO this year. These videos are a God-Send. Thank you so much Jerry💜
I left the system in 2005 and I STILL get xmas photo cards from my sister in law even though I moved 500 miles away and did NOT give anyone my new address or even told them I moved. It was a huge trigger until I realized she could care less about me, it's all about her. I just burn the cards every year rather than return to sender or any statement at all. I just move along my own road and I am SO grateful to be OUT of the system, most likely never to see ANY of them again. It's ok! I wish them the best, just leave me out of it.
After many years of seeking a sense of emotional closeness and a place of mutual understanding with my family, I am silently stepping away. I am dancing to my own tune now. It feels amazingly empowering and my once constant anxiety is slowly disappearing, leaving a sense of peace in its place.
Good discussion, Mr Wise. I found, in my case, that I felt personally powerful when I was just ignoring my abusive bullying family of origin and doing whatever I was going to do according to my goals and best judgement anyway. I never had any inclination at all to try to exert control in reverse, and that seemed to actually frustrate them out of what little minds they had. The most vicious abuse was often an attempt to get me to engage in the battle, though innocuous events like changes of plans because of changing circumstances that had precisely zero to do with them could also induce screaming violent rages. Perhaps this may help someone else a little in thinking about their situations.
'Deals with anxiety' lmao THAT is something that has never happened in my family. Both of my parents are very immature and never grew up. It's honestly exhausting and I have opted out of many conversations through boundaries and 'grey rocking'. Thank you for this video.
I don't know if my brother is a narc (my mother, yes) but I'm so exhausted from toxic interactions with both of them, I need a masterplan for avoiding them as much as possible until I can move far away. I just might have to resort to just never feeling well when they pressure me into family dinners, etc. I live within minutes of both of them and it's unbearable. They both put me down and mock me on a regular basis, or my brother gives me unsolicited advice that is never helpful. I am tired of these toxic people destroying my peace.
Tell them you don't enjoy your time spent with them because of the verbal punches. If they promise to stop, remember, they are thinking the way they always did. They are sick people. Don't expose yourself to them. It's harmful.
i want to do ur training when i get over a current wave of depression. I believe financial emeshment from parents is crucial. Ive freed myself from this. I feel freerer i have great financial bounderies now and its taken a long time. But still a long way to go with depression isolation helplessness. Thank u.
Thank you for all your insight Jerry, I appreciate and admire your work tremendously and I truly have found my self and happiness through self differentiation and boundary setting. I never thought it would be possible to get here, and be able to get out of the trap that was my dysfunctional family. Much love from Florida.
Thank you! It really struck me when you mentioned hoping for fixing it and a fantasy relationship. That's where I got it wrong because despite the evidence I believed they can change and be at least normal if not loving. Remember don't get involved, DETACH
Jerry saves lives! This video is another one to keep us safe. Emotional Detachment and exiting when the heat is too high with time out is just the best words I could ever hear. Where do I sign up for more?
Jerry , a belated Happy Thanksgiving to you🐿🍁🦃! I am so thankful to have found your channel. No one has helped me w becoming more whole and healthy like my therapist and you here on UA-cam. Your voice and tone of calmness ( amazing video “calmness is everything “) in dealing with these family issues helps me enormously and I am grateful!🙏🏼
Jerry, your videos on the Super Self and tennis net metaphors have been game changing for me. They have helped me understand my actions and emotions in the context of the Super Self. This has been more helpful than I can explain and makes me feel for the first time like I can control who I am when interacting with my family. Your generosity in making these videos is appreciated and is a really gift as few therapist seem to understand the pathology of narcissistic families and the impact on the individual members. THANK YOU!
You tube changed my life.no need for a dysfunctional family. But I need my only son ,I learned how to control my anger.im soo grateful for your help thanks.
I know this may not pertain to the message. But a random thought that came into my mind. Is that it's impossible to "grow up" if you're always treated like a child. In someone's eyes you'll always be that child. So the treatment never changes. And if that treatment is for constant control, the same way you would have over a child. Then even into adulthood, it remains as it always was
This was very helpful. I learned that the thought, "I don't want them to think...." is a form of manipulation. But the nature of that kind of manipulation is futile, thus it harms me. I am contorting myself in an effort to control another's perspective of me, which is completely out of my control. Individuality and free will. I am not you, you are not me. This was a much better look at and analysis of that. Thank you
I enjoy you view of the super self and agree that self differentiation is important. Opt out of the drama triangle. You talking of pinging in the family can be seen when you detach from the family.
In high anxiety, it is best to be in your “adult state”, because the “wounded child state” can not deal with others who attack and are out of control. Getting out of the wounded child state, and becoming the adult, is how you stop “abandoning” yourself, which frightens your child within. When we stop abandoning ourselves, we become responsible for our own point of view. No need to “borrow” approval from anyone, because i have my own self-respect, now.
Great video. I learned a long time ago you cannot use your family to heal. On another note, are you going to post the part 3 of the 15 assertive rights? Thanks again for the video.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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You are gem of this century.
I am a scapegoat whose family on both sides saw me as disposable. I found 12 step groups and therapy and learned I was actually the healthiest one although they ostracized me.
@@christineribone9351 Thank you for the encouragement. And the light in the tunnel some days.
Yes. I just saw your response today. Please be encouraged, and know there is a better life ahead. Going fruitarian helped me immensely. My health and my outlook too.
Same. Thank God for Al-Anon and therapy!
I am in the same position ❤️
@@kimberlymccracken747 Are you in regular communication? How do they treat you?
Every family is different, but engaging my family in any way, would have been like gearing up to wrestle alligators. I realized at some point, that I just don’t want to wrestle alligators. So no contact was the only way to go. Not having the crazy dysfunctional drama in my life has been a relief. It has allowed me the space to heal.
Today is the second anniversary of when I realized that I was the family scapegoat. And realized that there was nothing that I could do to change anybody's mind. I still have some processing to do, but I thought today would be a good day to watch a video to reinforce what I've already learned. After 2 years, it is getting farther and farther away in the rear view mirror.
Same. Or fighting with lions. No point.
Wonderful analogy. I gave up wrestling my alligators for a few years then I recently came back for more somehow thinking they changed from alligators to puppies. Boy was I delusional. I now have to ask myself when I will finally be done wrestling alligators.
@@kellycushing2904 at least I am assured again that they have not changed in my absence so I appreciate the comment to confirm this.
no contact alone seems to be different than growth in "self-differentiation". As Jerry said, we do 'have to work more'....yet in love to ourselves and others.
"the family in me" reognized vs cancelling others.
Fight back by telling them all the truth, and then immediately going no contact.
😮
Tell them the truth about themselves they will write you off as "crazy".
@@dennisrobinson8008this actually happened to me
Oh, but if you do this it's grounds for being a covert Narcissist. Because doing this would be considered a power play. Only seeking control. Which in some way is true. But is more like regaining control over your life that you never had
@@Richard-n2w1g No
No contact is the only way … I’ve tried for 50 years …
Doing no-contact to protect myself, Dad is the narc.
I've gone no contact but it took me decade to understand the root in NPD
Then we have to constantly train ourselves into being confindent unconditionally
Our handicap is the profound devalorisation and identification
@@vhollund I agree
I've come to that realisation too ...
I'm trying again, since August. I am 60; Dad is still a tyrant. I don't live with him. He nitpicks and lectures me. I have selective hearing: ignoring him!(it's true, I have hearing trouble). My way of saying "no" to Dad.
I prefer to just live as far away as possible. That way, I can be myself & almost forget about the family.
I discovered that while I'm playing tennis on my side of the court, my family is playing dodgeball aiming at me 😂😂😂 so no contact is the only way to go. Giving up playing in this case is a real blessing.
Great analogy!
@@MagneticNorthbound I wrote that a year Ago, recently made contact to my mother, we had a phone call, and all It did for me was show me I need to keep the distance. I guess eventually she will get to the same conclusion, that there's no more hope to out relantionship. Never underestimate the value of hopelessness in certain life situations...
I know, I had to go no contact too. It gives me peace ❤
Dodgeball: a narcissists favorite sport, especially when others don't realize they're being targeted.
I couldn't change the scapegoating , projecting , name calling , insults , lying and all the rest that went with my dysfunctional family of origin . I really had NO interest in back stabbing and gossiping about all the relatives and neighbours . No one was spoken well of in our house and by the time I was teenager I knew this wasn't going to be my life as I was more interested in making my own decisions and being independent of this s..t . This attitude brought about even more enragement from both parents - guess they felt the loss of control as the hate erupted towards me even more after I left home . NO CONTACT was the only way I could deal with this . The only person you can change is yourself .
Pavla. So true. We can only change ourselves.
@Krishna Patel Very interesting about India.
You win 👍
Thank you. I read a short poem which said " don't look for healing at the feet of those who hurt you".
Real healing requires looking inside ourselves❤️
@@jerrywise ❤
It’s a battle when most of your family of origin along with siblings are narcissists. No contact seems to be the best way to keep your sanity.
This is bang on! I'm the youngest and only girl. As I came out of my 'family trance' I realized my older brothers were narcs and one was incredibly misogynistic. I'm low to no contact and it's the best decision I have ever made.
At my mothers funeral ( i Found her; I was her l😅ve in care giver ( lived in 25 years)! one brother screamed at me, " you are a Horrible Person Carol" ......
[ you are very welcome, I was glad to take care of our mom]!!
“Keep your sanity” is spot on! Thank you ❤
I believe engaging with the family in any way is a fruitless activity. Because even if you are calm and explaining yourself, there is still a transfer of energy/ attention to the toxic person.
Excellent point!
yes, they also see when you are less triggered, they view you all of the time as if they are two people, one for the people around them they want to be loved by and hide how much envy and hate they have for you and hide how they will treat you any time they can get away with it, and then on their shoulder is the other person that hates they cannot get at you at the time you are less triggered and just join the family meetings and play with their "dumb kids", but they are counting and measuring your every move and what you tell their kids too, and as soon as they can use what you tell their kids they will attack and make the innocent kids think strange things about you as well.. they are smart this way.. my father is narcissistic and abusive, my sister is sociopath or psychopath, my aunt is a border liner just like my father's wife is...
all good people in my family have passed away, either by heart attack or cancer..
last year I got handicapped by my father's surgeon college who turned out like most surgeons to also be a narcissist and I have been lying alone for soon two years in a bed 80% of the time with zero support and full narcissistic abuse by all of them, now when I am handicapped they can neglect me as a means to abuse me and lie even more about me to extended family and other people..
is very sick how these systems work
@@SimplicityForGood❤️🍀🕊
Thank you! I need to practice to "deal with" people as they are. I will not fantasize about a relationship that really isn't there.
I essentially left that family years ago but they never left me in my head. Still working on it.
Heal my own wounds. Family can not heal my wounds.
53 years old and the only way to stop it…was to go no contact…they don’t understand boundaries…when you give boundaries be prepared for more abuse..
My side of the tennis net.!! Great expression.
Several years ago I began to
Stop hitting the balls back (secrets, lies, manipulating,controlling
, desperate to fit in I made lots of mistakes in the game.), playing the family game
I put my racket down , left the court.
Now when the game is on( family gatherings) I watch the game.
I don’t hit the balls back, when the balls begin to land near me I leave. Game over.
It’s been hard work yet well worth the effort.
so true
I'm not even allowed to go to family gatherings. Since my dad died, I became the scapegoat for many years.
She made sure to turn everyone against me though. Oh well I have my own life and I am stronger than they know.
@@joey5816, my dad’s wife did the same, along with half sister. For over a decade no extended family contacted me or had anything to do with me. So evil and sick. They were furious I will no longer allow them in my life. Game over. I win.
Jerry saved me from the prison of enmeshment a few years ago! He is a hero to me!
When I care less the more empowered I feel.
Wow I never realized I was making fantasy relationships with my parents until this video
Keep a healthy distance and wish them well. Peace 🙂✌️
✌️
Thanks! You have a good understanding of all of this. Currently my narcissistic mother and brother are not speaking and I’m so proud of myself to not even be concerned about it. There’s nothing I can do and there’s nothing I want to do! Lol!! YAY!
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Well done. For enmeshed families, the pull to get involved can be so intense. Well done for staying on your side of the tennis court.
You win :)
Wonderful. The initial detachment was like going through a sound barrier for me. Thrashed around by overwhelming turbulence - inside myself and from the family. Confusion, pain, grief. And then it happened. I was on the other side. Ohhhhhh. THIS is what it feels like to be in my own skin. That clarity. Standing in my own power. My peace is not contingent on the family system, living in that was actually never peace. Differentiation IS the powerhouse. Thank you for all your work Mr. Wise. You have helped me tremendously.
@Rose Wow. Beautifully said! It’s a deprogramming isn’t it? Which is confusing because it’s not an evil
cult - it’s family. Our family. “ Familiar”. Our orientation to life, love, ourselves. But it IS so powerful and how clearly I see that enmeshment is not love. When I came out of the spin cycle 😊, I experienced this clarity that if I do me and let you do you - whatever the fall out - that’s actually love. And spiritually, that’s letting God be God. It has been like a rebirth as you said. Thank you❤️
@Rose I knew THEY were enmeshed. but denied that I was as well. Ha! I didn’t see it until I was on the other side and only after a boatload of pain and frustration. And then piece by piece, sometimes big chunks, sometimes little glimmers, I shifted. Sometimes letters written with no intention of sending to “defend” my stance, my very self. I would listen to Jerry’s talks on differentiation and he was an anchor to reality. And then the day came, just like he says here, where I realized I didn’t WANT a relationship with people who bullied me into submitting for the sake of “ family”. I was going under. There was no peace for me and maybe it took being broken by the system to finally save myself. I no longer feel the need to engage or respond. Now that I’ve tasted the fruit of my own autonomy and freedom, I could not eat the poisonous fruit again. The guilt and that nostalgia ( although for what, really? Belonging but to what? At the cost of not belonging to myself) still creep in. Instead of fighting it off I can be gentle with these feelings. Yes, this is sad. It’s not what I would have chosen. But it is reality and I can’t control it, nor do I want to. I see the love in this. Allowing everyone their own experience and reality and not needing to change anyone. But ferociously protective of mine as well. No pronouncements of boundaries because as I healed ( after torment), the boundaries happened organically. Detaching and differentiating required action long before my emotions caught up. But I chose health. I chose to own my truth even when floundering. Even when flooded with confusion. I had good support systems and a great therapist who anchored me while deprogramming. Thank you for your response. I wish you peace and joy as you continue on the road less traveled as Jerry said. Also recommend listening to Elizabeth Gilbert’s
recent interview on the “On Being” podcast. Something tells me you would like it. ❤️
Lovely conversation ladies 🌹
My exact experience. He saved my sanity.
Whoah..excellent assessment!
“Worrying about them is an enmeshment state. Judging them is an enmeshment state. Blaming them is an enmeshment state”.
I habitually do this with different people.
Thank you Jerry.
May be best to ignore them and all their pleading or toxic or destructive dramatics.
I recently figured out that babysitting other people’s feelings is an enmeshment state and when I resisted participating in that I found whole windows of time I could use to attend to my own needs.
Jerry I benefit from your efforts.
"Cease the day!" Julius Ceasar.
You're probably right, but I'm not going to beat myself up for taking as long as I need to heal from this all. If that takes judging and ruminating, just like I got out of a bad relationship a few decades ago that way and healed pretty good, I'll do the same with toxic family that came out of the woodwork as such 5 years ago
..... @marychambrs
"Seize the day"
@@marychambrs9688 -- I think you mean "seize".
Thank you for starting the wheels of moving on. Letting go requires self awareness .
"Given the way they are ... " I choose to no longer engage. Hasn't changed all these years so far
FAMILY IS YOUR FIRST ENEMY.
Well put in some cases!! 🤗
@@soniahathaway1 In many cases..
Too right!
@@RedEyeification so true for some of us sadly! 😌
Violent criminals, stalkers, mental abusers are FAMILY MEMBERS. This vid, while good, should start by warning: Engaging with toxic folks is toxic or even deadly. No Contact should always be stated as a viable option to stop trauma and start healing.
Agree, he doesn't seem to support that action and deems it a narcissistic move.
After parents pass on… why bother dealing with a toxic sibling! Took me awhile to figure that out ! No contact! Best for our health!
Because our family's dysfunction can live within us regardless if they are physically close to us or no longer alive. The goals isn't to get ourselves out of the family but to get the family out of us.
132K subscribers. And I used to think I was the only one who had to go thru this crap.
I have found that the best way to feel with my narc family is often complete silence. I can't say anything right anyway according to them, so I just remain silent and dont react at all. It works! You get your power back. Of course, you won't have much of a relationship with them, but that's maybe not a bad thing. Thx for the helpful video 👍❤
Yes! Like that we get empowered 🌟
The best kind of relationship you can have with your family is no relationship at all.
Staying in my lane. What they do is their business not mine. Yes, detachment is essential.
Here is what I learned. Years ago I moved out of state for a couple reasons. I hate my job. I always wanted to go somewhere warmer . I was tired of being the scapegoat and I wanted to get away from my mom and one sister who aren’t nice. My sis was asking me to watch her daughter every single weekend ( even though I had pager call and worked more then her etc ) but she wanted weekends with no kids. My mom had me driving her all over the city every weekend . That’s a long story. Anyways. About 6 years later I moved back to my home state thinking all that time has passed , those two are older. Maybe they changed. They didn’t. They got worse. Long story short I’m planning on moving out of state again so there will be no expectations of me being anywhere around them. My mom doesn’t drive. Doesn’t have her license or a car and she refuses to get her license and just expects everyone to drive her everywhere so I know she won’t drive to visit me. My sister who is a major church narc won’t bother to drive to another state bc she doesn’t like me anyways so I won’t ever have to worry about a visit from her. Those are really the only two in the family ( besides the narc sis ex husband ) I don’t care to interact with either …… things will be much better. I will keep busy with fritnds and work and my husband and animals. I was so much happier and had way less stress when I wasn’t around them those years I was gone. Best thing I can do is just move away and not deal with them
Very important points. People don't change: think of that and make sure to base your actions and expectations on reality, but not on their reality, or your imagination...
so true
Exactly.
Well put 👍 😊 🙏
Just in time for the holidays and for gatherings with troublesome family members.
I'm no contact with my family since our last gathering. I will not be going back for more pain. I'm not even gonna send them a Christmas card either. The less I think about that snake pit, the better I feel ♡ ♡
Are you going to the family gathering ? I’m not
Thank you for saying that worrying about them, judging them, or reacting to them is reactivity. I've been guilty of doing that lately and haven't even realized I was just playing my enmeshed role all along. My family has a tremendous amount of anxiety and everyone here is in a survival mode. And it's true what you've said, it's because they have chosen not to deal with their feelings. Denying the truth, ignoring their emotions, ignoring reality and such can mess you up mentally.
They use "blame shifting"...the know what they do and say!
Disengage.. we have to help ourselves❣️🍀🕊
I don’t want ANY relationship to them
Yup, No contact is what worked for me. 🤗
I have always felt that if I don't keep trying to get along with not nice family members that it's a flaw in me. I'm finding that I'm not the only person who has a dysfunctional family and unpleasant people. My brother hates me and has since he started doing drugs around age 12. He is an angry person who likes to cut me down, call me names, mock me when I'm making dinner for the family and busy trying to get it all together. I'm sick of it. I have recently just given up. We're never going to be close siblings. He's my only sibling but he's never wanted to be a big brother...it's like we are enemies. Still makes me sad though. I would have liked to have a loving sibling.
Most of us here never had healthy love mirrored for us. Your brother sounds like mine..There's something wrong with whatever I do. Some of us stay in that place forever and some of us choose to work on healing.
I had to go No Contact to work on myself.
@@judyd6414 Yes. I'm really trying to heal and deal with the residual effects of an abusive brother. My parents always coddled him. My mom saw him as the prodigal son. When all is said and done, his life thus far has been a disaster, he is perpetually lost back in his high school years/the time he started doing hardcore drugs. He seems like he's 18 still only now he's 60. His choices and behavior sadden me, anger me, perplex me but I'm moving on and I've finally realized I can't make him realize whatever potential he has/had. That was always going to be up to him. It will fall to me to deal w him if something happens to my dad because my brother is living rent free, bill free there and has no job or source of income.
@@BedCrimeStories it is not your job to deal with him if your parents were no longer around. Do not get sucked into this.
me too, in fact, should leave them forever
You have no idea how much I needed this video! Right on time as I begin to separate from years of familial dysfunction. Thank you Mr. Wise!!!! 🙏🏾
The best thing I found out, is just dont have anything to do with them, not even holidays. All my siblings except one. I cant and refuse to be mistreated. When im around my sisters they never let me in on any conversations, and look past me, are tell me to shut up, youngest one is the worse. Im done! Im their scape goat, including my mom.
Same 🤗
I don't need my own family to heal.
Have learned to notice when I see behaviors I don't like, not take it personally, not try to change it, and instead focus on staying in my frame, sticking to being who I want to be, not pulled into trying to call out or correct other people (needs to be done on occasion, but not EVERYTIME), my inner dialogue when dealing with difficult people, is "ok - I may not agree, but I am ok with you being you, that is up to you".
There's always just leaving!
I left the state and a one way ticket 3000 miles away , freedom and silence 🔕 🎉
I had to go no contact with my mother (the enabler) even though she was the only one in the family that cared about me at all, because she continued to let my siblings do horrible stuff to me and wouldn't say anything...my dad (the narcissist) would always listen to every phone call I had with my mom and would jump in whenever I said something that annoyed him, so it wasn't a relationship that should be continued. My siblings always thought it was normal to mock and mistreat me because my dad always did it, and validated them when they did it, so it became a habit for them all.
I'm so sorry to hear this. My mother is the covert narcissist and systematically turned siblings and my oldest child against me, along with my grandbabies. Haven't seen them in over two years. But yet they are continually exposed to her. Oh well at least I made my own life with out their bull....!!!!
Me tooo ♡
Jerry, your work is profound. You have touched many lives. The world needs teachers like you. Thankyou from one human to another.
Thank you so much for these kind words, I'm glad my work is helpful and making an impact. I wish I knew how to pronounce your name
Yes its true 👍 Jerry has really made this world a better place. Bless his heart.
Nice! You hit on more than just 4 items! 😎 Boundaries, Gaslighting, Etc.! 👍 Maturity & Responsibility!
It helps me when i picture siblings as sidewalk friends, they dont get the privilege of entering my home,
😃 😀 😄 😁 🤣 😂 yes that good !
Just hearing other people have been through this makes me feel some relief!
I have just gone no-contact with my mother, so this is good timing. Great advice for going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving!!! Have a happy Thanksgiving, Jerry!!
I'm with you on that. Did the same thing.
I just cut the last cord 2 weeks ago, my one toxic af sister I kept contact with. The rest of them I cut loose decades ago. In the past 2 weeks I am noticing toxic behaviors shedding from me I was unconsciously holding on to. I do feel bad that I was holding on to being gossipy and self important.
You have to do the “foot work”. No body can do it for you. No one else can KNOW your difficulties, but you. That’s why you must deal with you, honestly.
This guy knows what he's talking about.
10:15-11:05 describes the last 30 years of my behavior before I went no contact over a year ago.
Great work, Jerry. As usual.❤
Can we get an update? What’s happening now?
I have self confidence, a sense of peace, no longer double minded, no longer ruminating and second guessing myself, and most of all, that heavy burden of feeling responsible for the happiness of the N. (and my “duties” in the N. family I grew up in) has almost gone away. The No Contact continues, and it has freed me to look forward to pretty much every day. I discovered I am a competent and thoughtful wife, mother, and friend, who makes wise choices, and I have filled my life with meaningful activities and inspiring people. Those guilt ridden, resenting thoughts have evaporated slowly, and I do not have ill will toward the N. I will remain no contact because it took many years to heal, especially the last 2. I know better than to step back into the quicksand that kept me suffocating. I wish to end my response by thanking God for His guidance in what seems like an unloving decision to make. My husband and grown children see a changed me, and have been very supportive.
To Sir Rantsalot:
You have a clever UA-cam name, and I just want to invite you to not live up to your name. You were not created to be a person who is a ranter. You were designed to live with power, that is controlled and uplifting.
“Given that ‘this is who they are and how they behave’, what kind of relationship do you want to have with them, with them as they are..” … woah……. That just melted so much of the confusion and tension inside of me. Powerful stuff. Thank you.
My ‘they’ are just such assholes, and it’s merciful to consider that I don’t want-to-desperately-want assholes who are fed-by-hurting-me to have me keep clawing and clambering to be in their presence so they can hurt me…
Well said!
It's so sad and tragic to spend one's life fighting with one's family.😔 Our families were given to us by God to be our greatest source of encouragement, strength and support.
It ain’t easy, but doing the inner work of self differentiation is necessary and is a life long process❤️
I know but some have learned that just because u are family doesn't mean you will be loved or treated well by them ♡
Wow....you are explaining this SO WELL......
Jerry! I am FINALLY getting there after lots of recovery work including your videos. Going from compliant to aggressive was part of finding balance. But, of course, the aggressive phase just gave them more fodder. No matter - I have detached bit by bit. It's definitely a practice. Ty 🌹
Ditto!😊
The aggressive phase has nothing to do with them. It's for YOU. Get mad demand YOUR rights then CLAIM them by becoming the individual being you are. The sad part is that they will most likely make themselves unwelcome in YOUR new reality
@@jamesrutter4100The lightful 🌟 part is that the Truth comes up! They will do feel know we get it! 🎯
Thank you, Mr. Wise for your videos
I have learned a lot on how to protect myself from my father. I discovered I have been doing different things to change how I interact with my toxic father. Even both siblings left home and got lives and families of their own. It helps to know what you are dealing with so you can practice being your adult self.
My father wants to keep interacting in a painful, put me down and trys to treat me like I am still a child but I ignore it and always act as i am (an adult)and i only interact with him when I have no choice and focus on staying calm and give him limited information as to keep him in the dark on purpose. I practice worrying less about how he may react in situations.
and
I "went" no contact from my family for 1,5 before I was able to causiously have some contact again. I needed to selfdifferentiate. I am still practising and reflecting on a daily base and your video's are- and have been of tremendous help Jerry. Truely a light in the dark. Thank you so much
I would never go near my family of origin again; too dangerous. Protect yourself, dysfunctuonal families do not improve with age. In my experience families get worse with age.
I think that the most important thing that happened to me in “self-differentiation” was the healing of my “wounded child”, so that the “wounded child” was trying to always “get what i need,” because i am now free of trying to protect myself from those i thought were “authorities” in my life. Actually, they are “wounded children” also. I can act independently of other’s opinions, and actually SEE what is going on around me. Thanks Jerry!!
Dealing with my family is beyond exhausting and I’m tired of trying. My one sis is very judgmental and always says something that makes someone angry. My sis has 0 empathy and just can’t put herself in someone else’s shoes to see how they would feel if the tables are turned. She has judgment on things like if you are gay , not married , don’t have kids at a particular age. She judges people on the type of jobs they have. What they wear. She doesn’t like any gifts given to her. Never says thank you for any gifts given. If she shows up to a family get together at a restaurant she will eat your appetizer or dessert but she doesn’t contribute any money toward it. She doesn’t like to help pay for mother day dinner. One time I finally said let’s all three pay a little toward moms dinner and she looked at me as if I asked to punch her. She never tells me happy birthday on my b day but I tell her on her b day. She buys her family 1-5 dollar gifts but buys her fronds 75 dollar gifts. It’s as if she is putting on a fake persona with people outside her family . Ids very weird. Even when she got married and told everyone where she was getting married her and the soon to be husband looked like they hated life. Looked like they didn’t even want to be there. When they announced the first pregnancy to us they looked as if they had just gotten into a huge argument or didn’t want the baby but they didn’t look happy at all when they told us. I have a million other stories on her. My mom wants everyone to do everything for her. She is healthy and able to do everything on her own but she expect her kids to take her weekly grovery shopping , all her dr appts , bank , movies , restaurants , every time there is a holiday we have to pick her up and take her home. I’d I say no and set a boundary I’m given silent treatments and talked about what a bad child I am. List goes on with her. Then my other sis makes excuses for mom’s behaviors. She just never says anything . She says the only reason she even talks to sis I mentioned above is bc we don’t have a family so she guess she has to. It’s so much dysfunction and I can tell nobody wants to be around each other but we kind of force it but nobody has a good time. Someone always gets angry . I just stopped going to any family gatherings. To exhausting
7:48
I really get this, & it's very powerful.
Deciding my own limits, what I will or won't do was one of the first steps I took (within the past 6 months).
My family of origin is very uncomfortable with the boundaries I set. They want an immediate "fix" for their concerns.
It isn't going to happen.
I put my health first, and they don't like that at all.
Viewed from a different perspective, it's almost comical to watch them mentally stutter.
I've regained a sense of inner calm and wonderful detachment because the Drama no longer attracts me.
"Not my monkey -- not my Circus."
It was exhausting dealing with my family of origin. I am so different than any member of my family oldest of 7 siblings former parents who were very abusive in every way. I am the scapegoat and was treated as such forever by parents and siblings. The best thing was to distance myself permanently.
I am in the same boat. Oldest and scapegoat. I’m so thankful I was willing to get into Al-Anon and go to therapy. Being the only one changing in the family is hard but continuing to be part of the craziness was worse.
@@dnk4559 I think I already replied to you here today but I can’t find it. Anyway I totally understand what ur saying. It gets worse by staying enmeshed in the toxic family system. It is exhausting and will make u physically sick. So glad you got out.
@@laraoneal7284 yes thank you for this though. I definitely have dealt with the physical illness of dealing with my family. I feel sooo much better now and am sleeping so well probably better than I have in my life.
Same 🤗
45 years, wow, I respect that. I appreciate the passion you have for helping people heal. May you be healthy, happy and well ❤
My Brother is ill and I’m already dreading his funeral. The thought of dealing with my family…
If you are close to your brother spend as much time with him as you can. Make beautiful memories. He won't know if you don't go to his funeral. Celebrate his life with him. 😊
I was already doing the detachment work 30 years ago and it literally saved my life due to health condition but now I should retake
God allowed you to go through what you went through so that you could save those like us
❤
No
I'm watching this video but also v impressed (as a visual artist) by the lovely frame and Jerry's new hip glasses. Really nice touch Jerry!
Also have bene using your techniques during a few conflicts and they have worked so well. I no longer feel so powerless!
Doc you paint the picture of my disfunctional family really well.
I hope it helps to bring you some clarity
This video is going to be on repeat for the entire year for me, especially since I've reached the "change yourself or else" stage in my FOO this year. These videos are a God-Send. Thank you so much Jerry💜
Well worth a revisit - one step forward / two back. I'd rather be dancing 💃🌹💋💯
Yes🕺🏽
I left the system in 2005 and I STILL get xmas photo cards from my sister in law even though I moved 500 miles away and did NOT give anyone my new address or even told them I moved. It was a huge trigger until I realized she could care less about me, it's all about her. I just burn the cards every year rather than return to sender or any statement at all. I just move along my own road and I am SO grateful to be OUT of the system, most likely never to see ANY of them again. It's ok! I wish them the best, just leave me out of it.
After many years of seeking a sense of emotional closeness and a place of mutual understanding with my family, I am silently stepping away. I am dancing to my own tune now. It feels amazingly empowering and my once constant anxiety is slowly disappearing, leaving a sense of peace in its place.
Good discussion, Mr Wise. I found, in my case, that I felt personally powerful when I was just ignoring my abusive bullying family of origin and doing whatever I was going to do according to my goals and best judgement anyway. I never had any inclination at all to try to exert control in reverse, and that seemed to actually frustrate them out of what little minds they had. The most vicious abuse was often an attempt to get me to engage in the battle, though innocuous events like changes of plans because of changing circumstances that had precisely zero to do with them could also induce screaming violent rages.
Perhaps this may help someone else a little in thinking about their situations.
Holy shit I understand where I got my codependency problems from! Eureka! Thankyou this is immensely helpful information ❤
The monochromatic earth theme is great.
'Deals with anxiety' lmao THAT is something that has never happened in my family. Both of my parents are very immature and never grew up. It's honestly exhausting and I have opted out of many conversations through boundaries and 'grey rocking'. Thank you for this video.
I don't know if my brother is a narc (my mother, yes) but I'm so exhausted from toxic interactions with both of them, I need a masterplan for avoiding them as much as possible until I can move far away. I just might have to resort to just never feeling well when they pressure me into family dinners, etc. I live within minutes of both of them and it's unbearable. They both put me down and mock me on a regular basis, or my brother gives me unsolicited advice that is never helpful. I am tired of these toxic people destroying my peace.
Tell them you don't enjoy your time spent with them because of the verbal punches. If they promise to stop, remember, they are thinking the way they always did. They are sick people. Don't expose yourself to them. It's harmful.
i want to do ur training when i get over a current wave of depression. I believe financial emeshment from parents is crucial. Ive freed myself from this. I feel freerer i have great financial bounderies now and its taken a long time. But still a long way to go with depression isolation helplessness. Thank u.
Wow, thank you Jerry, I listened to this video 2x and took notes, very helpful.
Thank you Jerry. I'm so grateful for your work.
You are very welcome
Thank you for all your insight Jerry, I appreciate and admire your work tremendously and I truly have found my self and happiness through self differentiation and boundary setting. I never thought it would be possible to get here, and be able to get out of the trap that was my dysfunctional family. Much love from Florida.
Healing "Double Standards" is the biggest problem today. Yes long standing some don't want to work on themselves.
Thank you! It really struck me when you mentioned hoping for fixing it and a fantasy relationship.
That's where I got it wrong because despite the evidence I believed they can change and be at least normal if not loving. Remember don't get involved, DETACH
Jerry saves lives! This video is another one to keep us safe. Emotional Detachment and exiting when the heat is too high with time out is just the best words I could ever hear. Where do I sign up for more?
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
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Jerry , a belated Happy Thanksgiving to you🐿🍁🦃! I am so thankful to have found your channel. No one has helped me w becoming more whole and healthy like my therapist and you here on UA-cam. Your voice and tone of calmness ( amazing video “calmness is everything “) in dealing with these family issues helps me enormously and I am grateful!🙏🏼
Thank God for this and thank you Mr. Wise!!!! 😊😊
This video is a godsend at this time. Thank you Jerry.
Jerry, your videos on the Super Self and tennis net metaphors have been game changing for me. They have helped me understand my actions and emotions in the context of the Super Self. This has been more helpful than I can explain and makes me feel for the first time like I can control who I am when interacting with my family. Your generosity in making these videos is appreciated and is a really gift as few therapist seem to understand the pathology of narcissistic families and the impact on the individual members. THANK YOU!
You tube changed my life.no need for a dysfunctional family.
But I need my only son ,I learned how to control my anger.im soo grateful for your help thanks.
I know this may not pertain to the message. But a random thought that came into my mind. Is that it's impossible to "grow up" if you're always treated like a child. In someone's eyes you'll always be that child. So the treatment never changes. And if that treatment is for constant control, the same way you would have over a child. Then even into adulthood, it remains as it always was
Correct!
Dealing with it is the problem. Need to learn to not deal with them completely and leave them on their side of the net.
This was very helpful. I learned that the thought, "I don't want them to think...." is a form of manipulation. But the nature of that kind of manipulation is futile, thus it harms me. I am contorting myself in an effort to control another's perspective of me, which is completely out of my control. Individuality and free will. I am not you, you are not me. This was a much better look at and analysis of that. Thank you
Thank you, it helps me a lot being alone around two toxic family members
I enjoy you view of the super self and agree that self differentiation is important. Opt out of the drama triangle. You talking of pinging in the family can be seen when you detach from the family.
In high anxiety, it is best to be in your “adult state”, because the “wounded child state” can not deal with others who attack and are out of control. Getting out of the wounded child state, and becoming the adult, is how you stop “abandoning” yourself, which frightens your child within. When we stop abandoning ourselves, we become responsible for our own point of view. No need to “borrow” approval from anyone, because i have my own self-respect, now.
Yay!
Great video. I learned a long time ago you cannot use your family to heal. On another note, are you going to post the part 3 of the 15 assertive rights? Thanks again for the video.
Yes I will
I traveled to California on a work trip and left my part 3 notes at my home office, but i will do part three
To me it would be like wrestling ghosts and ugly evil people and living in the delusion that one can ever win.
100,000 prayers and best wishes for you Jerry....❤. They great mentor. Every word is Gem.... Love you
Jerry, Thank you so much. Your teaching/help/advise is phenomenal.