Narcissist: How I Experience My Narcissism (Aware, Never Healed)
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- Опубліковано 25 лют 2021
- An honest and self-aware narcissist would describe his or her inner world this way:
"I want to tell you how much I am afraid of pain. To me, it is a pebble in Indra's Net - lift it and the whole net revives. My pains do not come isolated - they live in families of anguish, in tribes of hurt, whole races of agony. I cannot experience them insulated from their kin. They rush to drown me through the demolished floodgates of my childhood. These floodgates, my inner dams - this is my narcissism, there to contain the ominous onslaught of stale emotions, repressed rage, a child's injuries.
Pathological narcissism is useful - this is why it is so resilient and resistant to change. When it is "invented" by the tormented individual - it enhances his functionality and makes life bearable for him. Because it is so successful, it attains religious dimensions - it become rigid, doctrinaire, automatic and ritualistic. In other words, it becomes a PATTERN of behaviour.
I am a narcissist and I can feel this rigidity as though it were an outer shell. It constrains me. It limits me. It is often prohibitive and inhibitive. I am afraid to do certain things. I am injured or humiliated when forced to engage in certain activities. I react with rage when the mental edifice supporting my disorder is subjected to scrutiny and criticism - no matter how benign.
Narcissism is ridiculous. I am pompous, grandiose, repulsive and contradictory. There is a serious mismatch between who I really am and what I really achieved - and how I feel myself to be. It is not that I THINK that I am far superior to other humans intellectually. Thought implies volition - and willpower is not involved here. My superiority is ingrained in me, it is a part of my every mental cell, an all-pervasive sensation, an instinct and a drive. I feel that I am entitled to special treatment and outstanding consideration because I am such a unique specimen. I know this to be true - the same way you know that you are surrounded by air. It is an integral part of my identity. More integral to me than my body.
This opens a gap - rather, an abyss - between me and other humans. Because I consider myself so special, I have no way of knowing how it is to be THEM.
In other words, I cannot empathize. Can you empathize with an ant? Empathy implies identity or equality, both abhorrent to me. And being so inferior, people are reduced to cartoonish, two-dimensional representations of functions. They become instrumental or useful or functional or entertaining - rather than loving or interacting emotionally. It leads to ruthlessness and exploitativeness. I am not a bad person - actually, I am a good person. I have helped people - many people - all my life. So, I am not evil. What I am is indifferent. I couldn't care less. I help people because it is a way to secure attention, gratitude, adulation and admiration. And because it is the fastest and surest way to get rid of them and their incessant nagging.
I realize these unpleasant truths cognitively - but there is no corresponding emotional reaction (emotional correlate) to this realization.
There is no resonance. It is like reading a boring users' manual pertaining to a computer you do not even own. It is like watching a movie about yourself. There is no insight, no assimilation of these truths. When I write this now, I feel like writing the script of a mildly interesting docudrama.
It is not I.
Still, to further insulate myself from the improbable possibility of confronting these facts - the gulf between reality and grandiose fantasy (the Grandiosity Gap, in my writings) - I came up with the most elaborate mental structure, replete with mechanisms, levers, switches and flickering alarm lights. My narcissism does two things for me - it always did:
1. Isolate me from the pain of facing reality;
2. Allow me to inhabit the fantasyland of ideal perfection and brilliance.
These once-vital function are bundled in what is known to psychologists as my 'False Self'."
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I held my mothers hand the other day . I held her hand and looked at her eyes , I said to her I wish you could of loved me the way I love my 5 year old daughter . My mother is now 70 years of age . She caused me so much pain. Rage , violence , neglect. I pitty her now , she has lost her looks and has had no relationship with her twin daughters, even her son has gone overseas . Her eyes are empty vessels . She will pass over never knowing how it was to love her children or love herself . The greatest tragedy . Generational trauma . It ends with me .
Exactly the same here omg. My daughter is 6, my mom is 67 and I cut her off in Jan. She is now going through a divorce and falling apart. I just have a therapist identified for her.
That's so heartbreaking. I'm really sorry. My narcissistic mother died in July of 2020. I hadn't seen her in over 20 years. Despite everything she'd done, I felt guilty.
@@lynnv8501 I’m sorry 😢
@@shaundaross123 sometimes it’s healing having space . Good luck 🍀
@@onyxwelborne did she ever apologize or try to get in contact . ? I am in contact with my mom, limited however . My twin sister has said she will never see her again .she went through more violence with my mum than me , because she spoke up where as I learned to be a people pleaser so I wasn’t beaten as much . 10 years of foster care really scarred my sister . So she will never talk to our mother again
Dr. Vaknin, I just want to let you know that I appreciate all the knowledge you have given me for free.
Its not for free when you're giving a narcissist attention. That's all they really want
You shouldn’t praise a narcissist. It’s morally apprehensive
"Your health is failing and you don't have long". Sorry to hear this😔🤦♀️
They are self sabotaging! Their unwillingness to care for others is what hurts them the most! Deep down under all the glory and pride is a hurt little child that never had a healthy environment to thrive there for they only understand how to create chaos and survive in turmoil, pain and confusion constantly concerned for their own self! Which is not surviving at all! It is a constant circle of chaos! They not only hurt everyone around then but hurt their selves. Most of the time we can choose to leave a bad situation. However, they can never leave! They will just change the people around them, their jobs and whatever else but there problem will always be their self! 🙏 This is what happens when you live for the flesh, for your self! Imagine as a child thinking that you have to learn to survive instead of feeling cared and loved for! Reminds me how the King's and Queens was ruled the world! Or even today in politics. Like the movie, The house of cards! Always scheming and plotting in life trying to get farther up the chain of power. Trying to keep it but they always lose it in the end. I wonder if power can ever be kept. Queen Elizabeth seemed to stay in power but paid a heavy price! Most of the time during the process of sabotaging people will end up destroying their self!
I think Narcissists are not aware that they’re mostly gifted and intelligent people . They deserve to be acknowledged as long as they don’t harm others .
Dr. Vaknin, I’m so sorry for what you have underwent during your childhood which haunts you till now. I could feel your pain. I consider you with very high regards being so open and honest how you think you are. I could see that there is so much good in you. and good emotions. And I think you have so much empathy. I wish you All The Best and all the contentment’s you desire 🙏🏼
"The grandiose person is never really free ; first because he is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and second, because his self respect is dependent on qualities, functions and achievements that can suddenly fail" Alice Miller-The drama of the gifted child.
Alice Miller yes. I made an interview with her many yeats ago. And I read the book you mentioned mentioned reasently.
Di you ever read her son's (Martin) book? It was quite interesting to read that she of all people could not follow her own advise. It makes sense that people with extreme trauma cannot face it and have to avoid it at all cost, even if it means to nearly kill
her own child
As a mother and a Child Psychologist listening to your story was not only compelling but heartbreaking. I felt anguish as a mother that I wanted to repair this damage for you no child deserves that treatment ever. Sharing your story is actually a very brave thing to do. How you describe yourself I feel an immense sadness. However you see yourself as helping people your work is invaluable.
True!
This is probebly Sam's best video I listened till now
If time machines existed, I would go back in time to his childhood and hug him so tight and take him with me! I cried too in the beginning of the clip and in many parts of it.
@@katiecourtemanche4633 Amazing coincidence, I find my exact words in your comment, Katie ❤️ It was just yesterday, when I realised I cannot do much for my narcissist SO unless this machine is invented and publicly available 😅 I wish, I'd emotionally provide to this baby before it became disordered. The coparenting & our family life would be so much more fulsome, joyful, healthier.
Before I knew he's having NPD I used to say to him "BETTER TOGETHER" 😔
The truth is not only hugs are missing here, but whole bunch of talks with parents, quality time spent together with them, daily love&support, honesty (cognitive dissonance took it all), acceptance of failures in life ("you must be the best or you're no-one" attitude) and understanding. I really wish ALL THE PARENTS will take it seriously, especially when realising stories of wounded children's spirit like Sam Vaknin and others who clearly know how abusive childhood demaged their adult lives.
thank you
The cerebral approach cannot heal narcissism because, as you mention, it was developed primarily as a coping mechanism in order not to feel. It would make sense then that a narcissist would have to bypass the neural blocks in order to access the unconscious memories and process them and be able to feel through the emotional body. I have read some anecdotal stories where certain narcissists were able to break through to experience these suppressed overwhelming emotions that created their narcissism. Naturally, if this process is terrifying and actively avoided by a narcissist, it would create the idea that narcissism is incurable because few if any would be purposefully willing to bypass the false self in order to see their painful reality, though perhaps the potential of healing would entice one to take the risk.
I did it 😂
Problem I have, is the shadow gets hardcore anchored, usually in a severely bad place, and it's hard to re anchor yourself as you age.
So in some sense, you kinda just become your shadow, as that's sort of your true repressed self in totality, I'd argue the time lost, and time using the false self nukes proper healing forever.
Expectations from people will always supercede a severely behind person or brain and others tend to not be compassionate enough in people's lives or they wouldn't be where they were in the first place 🤷
Best solution? Complete environment change with the want to change, not to bring your BS with you, and this might be helpful 😂 lots of people self report not be BPD diagnosed simply from moving out of a bad family system or bad relationship 😂😂😂
This must be captioned / translated in many more languages. There is absolutely no price you can put on this. It is a treasure. Thank you for your vulnerability and so much more.
Yes!! Please in spanish at list
@@dollarsmum3453 I read this whole thing. I want to be a better person. I have become addicted to fantasy in my mind to cope with who I am. I am not the victim. I am the offender.
I agree! Dawn
@@leticiaperaza524 at least
No that won’t be helpful. A lot of terms and definitions won’t translate directly including different grammar structures.
Languages with the Latin alphabet will work the best as opposed Chinese for example.
I am really amazed by your clarity of communication. I am a psychologist myself and your channel is by far the best source on the subject of narcissism. I´m listening all day long. Thank you!
I cried so much listening to you, Sam. I've often been afraid that I was a narcissist because I suffered so much neglect and abuse and a child. I'm not afraid of that anymore.
i think im actually going to cry, hearing such honest confession.
Love his honesty. God bless him! ❤️❤️❤️ Im doing similar introspection since over two years now
I dunno but I just want to say 15 months post escape and I am still obsessed with Narcissism, and I dont want to do it anymore 🤣
me too
you actually make me understand my malignant narcissist mom. I have such compassion for her suffering.
it's heartbreaking...
I was romantically involved with two narcissistic men recently (and others in the past I suspect)… I saw them both break down, and I saw the profound sadness in their eyes. They looked like terrified children in those moments. They both also told me how broken and alien and confused and hopeless they often felt. I wonder if those men felt safe enough with me to show glimpses of who they were at the core. Both of my parents are narcissists, and I’m getting my doctorate in clinical psych because my whole life I couldn’t figure them out, and needed help figuring myself out because they could not help me with that. I’m crying watching this video because I think of all of the people I love who cannot love themselves.
This broke my heart. Not just for Dr. Vaknin, but it made me realize that all hope is gone.
@tamradasilva2102 It’s really not, you can accept yourself and live a decent life, even if you are á narcisist. I still feel sorry for them, but we all have our problems so each one is responsible for his own faith.
Dr. Vaknin, thank you for the raw and excrutiatingly painful truth about your childhood and your life! My mother was extremely cruel I believe she was a narcissist. I was beaten my skull cracked open also! It is because of you, and your videos, that I am a living survivor of her cruel mental and physical abuse! I am a Black American 62 years of age and I am grateful that I found your UA-cam videos and again I am ever grateful to you! I wish you the best!
sending you love....i am sorry for your pain.....
@@evka24 thank you that was extremely sweet of you! But it is with Dr. Vaknin that I am learning to survive! I know that he does not believe in God, but I have watched this video three times, and I have prayed for his health, for a full recovery! And God bless you too Madame Butterfly! 💝💝❤💝💝
I understand your pain . I hope you have found some peace ☮️ did this affect your parenting ? Your relationships ? Your attachment style
@@tulinbeyduz920 I married twice and both were narcissistic! They both were extremely cruel, verbally and mentally! I did not have any children, my choice for the reasons of both being cruel. I don't trust people after three hurtful narcissists in my life. This is why I'm extremely grateful to Dr. Vaknin, he explains how they became and how to survive them. My mother and my second husband were almost the physical death of me.
@@mskitt49 I’m incredibly sorry . I wish I could of Shown you what love was like when you were a child . My daughter has been my healing . I vow to end the trauma with me ! I wonder what had happens to your mother to make her the way she was ? Not that it existed any behavior . I really like pema chodrons work too . ❤️
I allways compared narcissists to reptiles.....allways hiding, looking....than swimming directly to the source of supply...and put their teeth into the prey and don t let go. When there is nothing left, they immediately turn around on the search for the next feed. ........but there was a crocodile, that was restored to health by a man after been wounded. For the rest of his days, it was kind to him.The whole village came to his funeral and praised the friendly crocodile, because it was a rare miracle. This I compare to You! Thank You for sharing honestly as can be!
I am a borderline with narcissistic tendencies. I know I‘m profoundly broken and empty when the BPD is in full swing. But feel whole and invincible when the narcissist takes over. I prefer those phases even though they are fake. They give me respite from the pain of abandonment. I commend you for facing the void.
Same here and I can see your view on narcissism It’s a way of protecting the little child inside. It’s like revenge for their pain.
ASPD and ASD with narcissistic traits here. I just consider myself a rare breed. Not broken.
I'm a child of narcissists. Please don't breed!
@@comfortablydoomed6280 I completely understand your thinking, my whole family is disordered and narcissistic in some way. I work on myself daily. I find I actually have gotten so much better after ending a 10 relationship with a malignant narcissistic. I’m not completely healed from him but my relationship with my self and children has gotten much better. Even tho it may not seem like it. Narcissistic are victim too and if their abuser is still around or abusing them their narcissistic behavior increases. Think about your parent and who is triggering them and you will be able too see things differently. Narcissistic are U healed children.
@@hearme4581 I understand that very well. I am well aware of my NPD and because of that I'd never raise a child, pet. It's our hubrys that makes us think that "I WILL DO BETTER"
No you won't.
Very brave. Well done. Sounded pretty human to me.
The great lie... they’re just as human.
@@brenner5147 what do you mean?
@@Kayscastlehe probably means that narcissists see themselves as an all powerful deity. When in reality they are just deeply insecure human beings.
My wife recently got me to go to therapy and after a couple sessions, my therapist suspects NPD. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found a well of knowledge about it that isn't entirely about surviving and avoiding narcissists. You're really giving me hope that I don't have to lock myself up in a room to be forgotten. Thank you so much for that.
This is extraordinary, Prof Sam. I can't help watching this over again. It is sad, honest and beautiful. I am a doctor, but of Literature. I have never come across a speaker whose words haunt me as much. I have watched so many of your videos since I happened upon them recently, but this one astounds me. The content is profound, but your command of language and delivery is so beautiful. So lyrical. The older I get, it is beauty that moves me. This certainly does. Thankyou, Sam.
Haunt is the word.
His words are poetry
I couldn't agree more, nor could I have said it better.
Wtf did I just watch. I put this on as my wake up video, slumbering half while listening, still in the brain waves between wake and sleep, this was both beautiful and nightmarish, the contrast between vulnerable confession and the void of narcissism, the fact I still feel like I'm being somehow manipulated while at the same time feeling like I know and experience things you will never get a taste of due to brokenness, it's tragic and fascinating. Still I like to hold on to free will, and I imagine that part of your soul underneath all the layers of grandiosity and pomp, is still there. The great pain just means you have to dig deeper than most to recover it. That, or perhaps you are indeed damaged beyond repair who knows.
I have encountered a narcissist for the first time in my life recently in the most vulnerable loving state and it was like a car crash unfolding infront of your eyes. Narcissist also actively destroy healthy psyche of another person, i actually experienced their intention to destroy me because they can't feel of what i feel and they suddenly feel the void and emptiness and they hated it realizing their lack of emotions and direct that hate onto partner to prove they are right to be devoid and will devoid you of emotions and gaslight you( put doubt in your own feelings) to devalue you so they can comeback to justified state of narcissism. The irony is they destroy what they seek the most, the very canvass of humility that is inside of a partner because they can't feel themselves. Its a social tragedy.
However i really appreciate this candid conversation, its helping to construct my own self after this damage. Thank you.
Having lived almost 50 years with a narcissist I came away, at his death from cancer, feeling like the biggest schmuck in the universe. A lot of my life was over and I had spent a lifetime running along - often in a panic - attempting to cope with the havoc he created and trying to survive the emotional onslaughts he constantly caused. If someone took a photo his arm would be draped around me affectionately yet I was often treated like “the help” in the household when it was clear his audiences alway received his extreme focus. I tried to leave but he tricked me and I blame myself for my naive upbringing and the neuroses which kept me bound to that too long destructive marriage. I have a responsibility for staying - for which I have to forgive myself - and realize that, with a mother who was a narcissist, I was programmed to think that behavior was acceptable and routine almost from birth.
“Machines are so powerful...and yet, so emotional-emotionless!”
~Freudian slip, perhaps...?
Indeed. Parapraxis.
@@samvaknin I was going to write to you about this...
@@katiecourtemanche4633 pll
Thank you Professor Vaknin
This lecture is outstanding.
Dr. Vaknin, I am impressed by what you have to share, really appreciate that. If you consider this appropriate, could you share how do you experience working with your patients? It shouldn't be like playing chess if you experience secondary trauma as a result.. what emotions you have access to and how you feel them if you report yourself being indifferent?
I’m so grateful for your work, Dr. Vaknin. It’s really devastating and profound when you say, “If I were to tap into this reservoir, I would die, by my own hand, or otherwise.” I’ve always had this feeling about my mother, that if she were to ever face her true self, she would surely die, too. Narcissistic defenses definitely exist for a reason, the brain won’t ever give you something you cannot handle, its function is to ensure survival. It’s important for people to understand when they want to change a narcissist, how severe it would actually be for them to collapse. The decision to look inward has to be theirs alone. It belongs to them, if they choose.
The horrible thing about Narcissim is that these are actually beautiful humans who have been destroyed beyond healing. Once I started healing myself I could finally see the full reality.
I couldn't agree with you more. It's heartbreaking 💔 I cant deny my compassion.
I have wanted to hear this from you for years, Sam. I have wondered for so long how you manage this balance.
You may feel this work is in the service of your grandiosity, and in large part you may be correct.
But I know in my heart that there resides within you a kernel of intent that cannot help but shine through. This video proves it to me. Continue this good fight, my brother. I cannot fathom the absence of loving intent in your efforts; it exists too plainly for me to see. You may find it poorly connected, weakly understood or buried deeply by "pollution" or other factors, but I have always sensed a purposeful, universal love to your work. It is bravery beyond bravery and I am deeply inspired by its persistence; it is another battle against an evil Cloud of Unknowing. The impacts you are making are significant and far-reaching. Thank you for making this video.
Fissionchips223: you are absolutely correct, there is a kernel in Sam that shines through.
You have words for what i'm been thinking. Thank you
This❤
@Fissionchips223
*Agreed!* I too see the "loving intent".
I cried reading your comment cos it's so accurate about one who blames himself so intently; it's as if he has introjected all the criticism on the internet & critical comments he's made himself
- in service of a very critical voice inside:
in a way, it's a way of being loyal to his parents.
I hear and see his soul, and like you, see that light in him, and the love of truth telling. Or of trying to be factual in this strange, uncertain world (worlds) we all live in.
There is a truth beyond "facts"
- I believe that, may be wrong of course!
Quantum physics shows us how strange the world we live in is. I got into a digression there!
Thanks for the talk, Sam
Thank you for your comment. There is reality beyond “facts”…. You sense this. It is our intentions that fuel all of this. Stay strong, flow like water and be hard to kill!❤️🙏
Thank you so so so much for opening up and describing what a narcissist may feel. I am a narcissist’s wife and this helps me understand the foundations of actions.
Specially when you said “ I don’t know what to tell you about me…” I never understood why it is so hard for my husband to answer simple questions about himself.
He may know the answer, but he doesn’t feel or experienced the answer 👏🏻 this is spot on! No one has ever described better how it feels.
Está idea es impresionante, el llegar a este punto es indescriptible
If this is not you, I can't imagine the "you" behind the narcissist. You have a brilliant mind and are helping a lot of people. You have my narcissist scared, LOL. I wish for you that you could heal.
Judy Lee: don’t worry about what I label anybody. Go comment on some else’s comment. I wasn’t talking to you.
I’m speechless. I’m fascinated. I’m sad. I’m blown away with your ability to describe yourself even when there is no self there. “I am mildly interested in the whereabouts of Sam Vaknin”. It’s lonely at the top (or bottom) depending on the point in space that one thinks they are observing from. This life is an illusion anyway. May you find some semblance of peace someday.
Thank you for such raw honesty Sam. The two words that I have always had to describe the two narcissists that I have been involved “romantically” with are profoundly sad & terrified. I tried desperately to love their inner wounded child but in doing so I was almost eaten alive ... twice. I now love them from a very safe distance. It is heartbreaking for all involved. Thank you again.
What happened to you when you loved that inner child ?would you please explain more about your experience?
I hope you’re doing OK you’re not alone I know how you feel
Made similar experiences! Now I love my inner child (as well as my real child, my son) enough to never let anybody play sick games with us. Take care! 🙏❤️
I just won’t play narcissists‘ games anymore. Live is precious and I feel that we all have the possibiliy to choose what we are doing with our time. Just wished narcissists would once take some responibility
The two I’ve been involved with recently… I saw them both break down, and I saw the profound sadness in their eyes. They looked like terrified children in those moments. I wonder if those men felt enough safety with me to show glimpses of who they were at the core. Both of my parents are narcissists, and I’m getting my doctorate in clinical psych because my whole life I couldn’t figure them out, and needed help figuring myself out because they could not help me with that. I’m crying watching this video because I think of all of the people I’ve loved who cannot love themselves.
I have gotten only 10 minutes into the video but I feel I must express that the way you communicate is wonderful. I am in awe of you in a positive way and have much appreciation of your works.
One of your most profound videos that delves into your soul, or lack thereof. Thank you. You did touch on your health towards the end & can only say I wish you many more years! You have been a most interesting teacher for me .
I completely understood everything that you explained. I was a source of supply for 20 years. Because of your brilliance, to spend your time explaining the intricacies of narcissism, I am able to understand what happened to me. Thank you Sam. You redeem yourself & the rest of us who exist, in the wasteland. ❤️
I can't understand how one can dislike this video. It's a subjective description of a narcissist's view of himself and the world. Thank you, Prof. Vaknin!
I must be mentally ill myself if I just want to hug you and comfort you...
Keep up the good work professor 👍
Not mentally ill, just human.
I am in awe after listening to this video. I am so sorry to hear that the false self is winning the battle against the true self. I feel your pain and sorrow Sam and I wish I can hug you. Please take care of yourself because you are an enlighment to the World. Love ❤L
@@samvaknin ❤
Yes! I felt the same! I thought i had turned off my emotions but.. here we go.
It's one thing to hug and comfort. It's another to want to take on another person's burdens and pain as your own. That's when you are steering into toxic codependent territory 💖
IT TAKES TOO MUCH HONESTY, STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO TELL THIS.Thank you
Lmao. Not at all.
@@andbe7581 go on, start your channel and upload your un-filtered self.
I relate to everything you said except I don't aspire to be like a machine. I aspire to be like other feeling loving connected people even if it means I die in the process of trying. All these years of being alone in my struggle, no one to put words to my pain. Thank you for being the first to put words to what I experience. It is fascinating to see how you appear so jaded, hurt, and tortured for a few brief moments before seemingly pushing it away and maintaining a more detached affect. This too reminds me of myself. I am angry and deeply sad and hurt that there is no cure. No one to relate to me. And no one seemed to ever notice my horror and inner war. Only difference is in these moments I push it away and quickly seek something that will humor me. My humor of course being much different than anyone elses. I am not a genius. I have a fair amount of knowledge as I've tried desperately for years to find answers. But in finding no answers outside of myself I've attempted, desperately, to find answers within myself. After years of re-experiencing abuse that reminded me of my childhood and nearly brought me to my end I did finally find something that has helped me have some quality of life. That is mindfulness meditation. I thought I would die when I faced the absolute horrors inside of me. Whether from a heart attack or... Well... I thought I could not possibly survive feeling it all. I had zero confidence that any human could bear it. But as I practiced mindfulness meditation within the safety of a locked unit I started to realize I could feel through it. Actually it won't kill me. Little bit at a time. Even physical symptoms like my chest pain that was caused by my extreme anxiety evaporated. I've worked through maybe 1 percent of the trauma my body holds. But I've gained confidence that I can nurture my inner child, listen to the child's pain, nurture the child, and nothing horrible will happen. It will just feel unbearably horrible at first until I realized it is bearable for no other reason than the fact that emotional pain can not kill me even if I wanted it to end me. If I commit to feeling through it then there is nothing my emotions can do to stop me from doing just that. there is no longer a choice except to push through or die (I would've probably chose the latter if I wasn't in a locked unit when I first did this) And for the first time ever I've begun to feel happiness on rare occasions. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I do know I related to almost every word you spoke in this video. So if mindfulness meditation (mindfulness practices in general) helped me I figured it's worth mentioning in hopes that it can help you.
The way I imagine it for me is there is this horrifying abyss inside me. This abyss wants to suck everything into it. It is what craves for people to say great things about me. But as soon as I get the admiration it is quickly consumed. I stand at the edge of the abyss, staring into it, tempted to jump in after all the the things the abyss swallows. Behind me is a monster. I try to make light of this monster by calling it twinkle toes. Twinkle toes wants me to jump into the abyss. I'm not sure why. But twinkle toes can only do certain things to try to push me in. I have certain rules that twinkle toes must abide by or it knows I'll end us both. Everyday is a battle. Trying to get close to the abyss without falling in. One extra unexpected push and I may be gone forever. Impending doom everyday. Uncertain of what will happen if I go in I fight hard to stay away. But if I stay too far away twinkle toes steps up it's game. Torments me. Punishes me. Drives me insane until I go closer to the abyss. My inner wounded child cries terrified in the corner not knowing what will happen. If I dare suffer the wrath of twinkle toes I can tend to my inner child. Overtime twinkle toes is getting less and less menacing and less powerful. It is only by sitting with my inner child, practicing mindfulness, aware but not reacting to twinkle toes that I am able to heal my inner child and show my inner child that it is safe now. I'm the adult now ready to do whatever I must to protect her.
@@formepvp thank you
What a beautiful testimony. Thank you for sharing and good luck on your journey to healing.
Thank you. May you be guided. May you be profoundly loved. My you know the enormous power that is You.
@Tabatha Gentry
PROFOUND!!!!!!
Write a book.....🙏
Thank you for sharing this. I hope you find some peace. Truly
My mom is borderline and she had a horrible childhood. I also think all the bad stuff that happened during my childhood is because she could not cope with the pain - - in fact she was reexperiencing trauma every day and acting like a hurt child (but to her children she seemed adult like and scary)
The sadest confession I ever heard. And I can relate to the feelings of never embodied my own life even as a non narcissist. Existencial misteries of the mind that destroy us to protect us.
I find your videos, all of them, to be compelling, horrifying, awakening, liberating, and at times, heartbreaking. The last one I heard I stopped in the middle because suddenly and unpredictably, joy returned. Losing joy was how I discovered I was in a relationship with a narcissist. But first I would simply like to acknowledge to your child self that what you suffered was horribly evil and should never have happened to a little boy who did nothing wrong. I am so sorry you were hurt and I understand the sad, sad, sad bottomless sad. I also want to express gratitude for opening my eyes and my heart to the man I have gone no contact with despite loving him. I will not be joining the league of victims seeking retribution. Despite my personal loss, I feel compassion for him. I now understand why he said that I only spent a day or so with him every couple of weeks, he had to live with himself all of the time. And while you personally may not have directly benefitted from your knowledge and wisdom, your ability to re-create and explain the inner reality of narcissim from both the narciscist’s and their supplier’s perspective was precisely the knowledge I needed and lacked. That you shared with us has freed me. Thank you.
Your video has given me such freedom. For so long I’ve been trying to heal from my recent relationship with a narcissist, but was only coming at it with information. Your experience and vulnerability brought the emotion to what I’ve been learning, and thus, brought me to a place that I didn’t think I’d be able to arrive at. Forgiveness. I didn’t think I could ever forgive him. Today, I believe I can. Thank you for the sharing the most pertinent information about this.
Hi, what happened to You after forgiveness?
I pray for the precious child who was you. 🙏
There is possibly 1 bridge between us Sam. You have a subtle sense of humor that I enjoy. Machines don't posses this.
This is your master piece
Your tone of voice, your facial expression, my heart feels so sad. your so amazing SAM! You have helped millions of people. im sorry for your pain... your not alone AT ALL. my heart feels sooo sad. iv got goosebumps all over ;((( XXXXXXXXXXXX
Maybe you don't have feelings, but your soul has touched thousands of souls today. Thank you so much for your brilliance and humility. I wish you could see yourself as I see you . God Bless You
Your shame is so heavy, Sam. You are stuck endlessly wallowing in it. But you still have hope, simply because you are still here. Even if all you have left is the idea that there might be hope, you still stand a chance. Let that one tiny ray of light in, man, because it all starts from there. The world is a better place with what you’ve learned and shared, and even if you can’t truly love yourself, I hope we can show you. Even one great second is a start.
I’m very saddened to hear about your experiences. Whatever you believe of yourself you have helped me to understand narcissistic abuse and free myself from a toxic relationship. However you want to define your sharing of knowledge on this subject, either self serving or other, I see you through my lens, not yours, a well intentioned human being trying to prevent others experiencing the hurt you experienced and for this I’m grateful. Take care Sam and be kind to yourself, you deserve it.
Omg, I’m so thankful for this video, I’m scared sometimes to end up in hell for my borderline personality disorder, I hurt ppl and doing a great chaos to the world around me, I was in a relationship with a narcissist, a push and pull relationship, the only thing to give me some pleasure, cuz chaos and pain are my world, I left on the end , hoping to find myself, but there is probably no one there, I’m not even sure if I have a false self anymore, my therapist is a really religious person and said narcissist and borderline are really satans children only god can help me out, so now I’m in my head scared of burning in hell, cuz I know I sinned so much, but really is it fair to pull us down after we experienced so much abuse as kids already, are we already doomed, we didn’t chose to grow up like that, we didn’t choose to be empty shells , I try not to feel pity for myself , but a life without no real identity is not easy, it’s a fight every minute of your life, I wanted to hate my narcissist ex, but in the same time, it makes me cry, that he can’t feel anything for no one, maybe we already in some kind of hell with never knowing what’s really going on, but your videos help me so much to better understand myself and others around me, it’s a little funny how we go from goddess to nothing, and from nothing to goddess, I pray there will be at least a better trauma therapy to help us to feel something, to be a part of this world, some happiness is better then none, you really always give me a minute of happiness, you look so together, so full of life and love, I guess that’s how we get deceived 🤣Sam vaknin you are the most loveble narcissist ever, thank you for your honesty, love your haircut by the way ❤
Your therapist is wrong. You are not a child of satan.
Your therapist needs a therapist
I've watch you a lot. You've helped me a lot. I'm now crying, a lot. 😣😓
I hear people say to avoid narcissistic people like the plague. But if they were to be this self aware, open, and self deprecating, I would happily maintain a relationship with them. Despite the inevitable recurring cost to my peace of mind lol. Thank you for everything you share online Dr. Vaknin. You have helped my family and social circle achieve greater understanding, self awareness, and therefore increased harmony.
This was a very good video, Prof. Vaknin. You have really informed the public of narcissism in a way that they can finally understand. So many people do not understand, or care to understand why a narcissist is the way he is. And so many people need to know who he is.
As soon as the narcissist recalls such things, he observes his pain, is darkened in mind because of it, and tucks it back into its place, for he cannot bear to look at his child for too long, lest he wither away completely. "I cannot leave myself, for I must protect myself from the outside world. This I must do." he says. Returning to his inhumanity, he continues his existence, never looking back at his pain, and what could've been.
Truly appreciate your candor and courage in sharing the painful sufferings of your life story. I hope it’s obvious to you that many of us find you a valuable well spring of knowledge to try and understand the complexities of not only narcissism, but many of the topics you’ve lectured on so extensively. In my opinion, the sacrifices you’ve made with your personal time and freely sharing your vast wealth of life experience as a narcissist, is priceless and life saving to people like me who just couldn’t understand what we were dealing with... In my case an ex husband who may have killed me in the end, had I continued down my then path. After listening to you, I’ve come to realize so much. I know you don’t believe in God,..but I believe something led me to you, as it was in the final moments of his physical abuse and discard that I happened to stumble upon one of your old audio interviews which opened my mind to things I’ve never even heard of before. After learning much from you, I made the decision never to go back, eventually realizing even tho alone, I was better off. I wish that you never had to go through all of those horrendous things, but my heart is grateful to you and the raw truth you give us through your life experience. Where my church, my family, and many tried to put a well intentioned
“forgiveness bandaid” on my ex husband’s actions slipping me into a deeper hole of confusion, eventually getting sick with cancer, and more terrible advice to stay with him (as it was the “right” thing to do and not divorce)... it was you sir who actually opened my eyes to the truth of that unhealthy situation, the danger I was in, and also some understanding of the personality issues my ex was possibly dealing with. Your knowledge is gold.
Thank you for helping me and being such a gift to many, albeit through your own pain & sorrows 😔 . May you feel surrounded by our love today as you press on. Hugs ❤️🙏🏼... Ps. you don’t look a day over 50 😃... must be the wine or whatever’s in that mini mouse cup 😉
I am a professor of psychology and have been studying narcissism for 26 years. My work is based only in a very small measure on my personal experiences.
Yes, Professor, but it is this very video where you talk about yourself that humanizes all of your talks. Sharing your own struggle is the most vulnerable thing! It is a gift to us all! I appreciate all of your videos, which are so enlightening, but they're now even better knowing that they come from someone who experiences Narcissism from inside and out.
@samvaknin Yes, Professor, but it is this very video where you talk about yourself that humanizes all of your talks. Sharing your own struggle is the most vulnerable thing! It is a gift to us all! I appreciate all of your videos, which are so enlightening, but they're now even better knowing that they come from someone who experiences Narcissism from inside and out.
Ugh the invalidation ! True narcissist not even a thank you Come on Sam . lol . My dad used to one and through your help I was able to understand his sickness .
Am speechless! For me there is nobody else that knows more and better about narcissism, than Mr.Vaknin.
What a brain and way of expressing. Thank you.
@@eart5657 I've watched Tudor, and many others talking about the subject not only in English, but yet for me he is the best. He has approached as many perspectives as possible about the subject! Plus many other reasons.
Most profound insight into NPD I have ever watched. Ever. Thank you.
Sam, I had to step away from the whole 'understanding' of Narcissism because it was a very dark period; however, I remember over a decade ago how your work made so many things crystal clear. I commend, respect and appreciate your courage to share, to continue to advance understanding. So much of what is offered out here is a watered down version, words will never express the value and authenticity of your work.
Such honesty, I really appreciate you for this and exposing yourself in this way, it takes balls which I'm sure you have. You and your work/videos are very informative and at times humorous, but also painful but so very enlightening. Thank you x
Can a narcissist be honest
@@kayking5790 about some stuff but never in general
@@kayking5790some slip of the tongue
I'm sorry you had to experience all that you did; broken people creating more broken and angry people. I was sexually abused and tormented by my oldest brother. I went to therapy for years. My savior has been writing and sharing my stories with other women with similar stories. I learned that it is a hard world and people are afraid and lash out in fear. That has never changed. You can drown in it or swim against the tide. I am scared but I don't want to be cruel and cold. I want love and bonding. You work hard for what you truly want.
I was in a relationship with a diagnosed narcassist. And although i have Mental issues too (Borderline), i could feel that he is even suffering more like me... We didnt make it and all therapist say that this was No Love. But for me it was. I keep him in my heart, because i saw this little boy . I saw also the monster with alcohol but i know that this is Not him. I also have my own monsters, which i suffer from. But i know i am Not my deamons... I think every personality disorder esspecially borderline and narcissism have a lot in common... We share wounds nur we compensate in another way. Its a fight for a life time. But i know now that the world is no black White. We are all hurt , gut we can decide to act like a better human being Like our punishers. I wish you all the best to Not give up and reach Out for your true self. ❤
I am half way thru listening to this lecture and I am feeling very sorry for anybody being narcissist. Completely lost cases not knowing and being incapable of ever expeierencing how beautiful it is to be human, even during difficult times. After having listened to many more of Prof Vaknin's lectures before, I really understood why it is so important for humanity and for my own sake to stay away from them. -- Many thanks to Prof Vaknin, your lectures are truly helpful
I can empathize with all animals... literally feel their pain as my own if I see them being hurt. So I believe it is possible to empathize with things we cannot identify with... Similarity with the subject in pain is not a requirement in order to empathize. In fact I would go as far as to say empathy is becoming the other.
same here, I was thinking about it while listening. But I think that empathy is based on projection, you become other by projecting your own pain, or the memory of the pain you have suffered, and to be able to project (make this other more same) you got to have access to your pain, some established link. As I understood Sam Vaknin - it is all or nothing in his case: acting false self or horrible pain in abyss, and if the latter happens there is no one left to project pain on anyone or anything. And even empaths projections have some limits, although I admit I happen to comfort my teddybear :-/
Anyways, it was probably the saddest and most tragic un-antropology I have ever heard.
Dear Sam (hope you won't feel annoyed by this familiarity), I always thought of your brilliant interventions like an astonishing recording of a self-surgery without anesthesia of a rare disease suffering surgeon. Your words always brought me illuminating and helpful insights to an exit from the dark labyrinth of narcissist abuse, though, unfortunately YOU were the torch self burning and consuming to light the path... I really wish you can take care of your physical health! We all need your nearly superhuman brilliant mind!
Having dealt with a narcissist for many years (without even knowing it was nacissism) I always felt the incommensurable pain for being unable to make this individual literally recognise and feel love and empathy, rejecting the only possible cure for the suffering, just like a color blind person who cannot / wants to wear the special glasses that would give him back the vision of colors. And after the pain, the rage and resentment, now I finally found peace and compassion. You showed me the tragedy of our tormentors and perpetrators. I'm deeply moved by this confession, and really wish you'll be better soon. It's such a pity you miss the receptors of affection, since I'm sure that, just like me, a lot of people appreciate and admire your work and find you big fun, smart and charming (just like most of the narcs) and care for your person.
This is so dark and yet so thought-provoking. I don't mean to provide supply, but I have to say that sharing this is brave, authentic, real, no matter what your motive is or not matter what your beliefs are about you Not Being. This video is an act of Being.
My in laws are textbook narcissists. I exhibited narcissistic behavior during my alcoholism. It takes a lot of guts to admit your narcissism. Thank you for the courage to open up and help us all.
Imagine 50 years from now or more, someone's going to come across this and think uh ah....Now I finally understand myself. Thanks Sam. May you be at ☮️ my friend.
I can hear two voices trying to speak out in this, I know the true self is a nebulous entity almost entirely eclipsed or chained as an ethereal witness to the almighty despot of the grandiose defensive mechanism, but it seems there is some communication between the real and faux self, as this candour and clarity of both sides of the position have to report back in some regard for the information to be presented to third parties. It’s an incredibly sad but curios thing to listen too.
This is such a deep insight, you hit the nail on the head. I also felt like I was listening to or watching two people hit a tennis ball back and forth over a net but not in complete competition with eachother however somehow on the same team
I agree.. If there is nobody inside than who is the one that is able to see the false self and the hurt inner child? Who is observing all the inner life with such a clarity and emotional agony, and where comes the sadness from, if there is no one, who knows how it feels to love, and to relate? It's hard to beleive that what I've heard and seen in this video is just some sort of intellectual exercise..
I was with a narcissist for 15 yrs in which I'm still recovering from ,I have been away from him for three years walking with hurt ,and anger ,but after this video I accept he has a disorder and it has nothing to do with me .. I just wanna say I forgive him ..let go and let God Thanks ...
I watched your video today and am stunned at the truly honest account of your experience in being a Narcissist. I found this to lecture to be outstanding. Thank you for all you do to help us understand this horrible disorder. I wish you well.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am a self aware covert female narcissist, struggling to understand how to go on, as this is my entire personality and always has been.
❤
🧚🏾♀️ I loveeeee you! 🌹 I love how you share yourself & in your sharing I feel I am healing. 🧘🏾♀️ You are helping me heal. 💖 I thank you. 💖 God, how I thank you, Sir!!! 🌹
You may not like this, but... I want to hug you. Take care, Sam.
This is very sad.
You are not alone prof, we support you and we admire you.
I salute your courage in exposing yourself like this, this is real strength.
I appreciate your transparency. I have forwarded on to a narcissist not that it will likely help but there's a chance
I have been so tempted to do the same. He probably would say "yes, that's you" lol
Why help them be better narcissists?
It seems that narcissism is the worst condition a human being can be in. Deeply saddening.
@@sjoe6282 that sounds horrific. So sorry.
I am a psychologist and psychotherapist trained at the English School of Psychoanalysis. I must thank you for your enormous contribution to a more comprehensive understanding of the complex narcissistic personality disorder, both for professionals and the general public. Thank you very much Professor Vaknin
Oh Sam...this breaks my heart! You have helped me so much over the past year, I wish so much that I could return the favor somehow. Although it may not be meaningful to you, know that you are so admired by those whom you have helped.
You have been helping people to understand and be saved.
Despite the words you are describing youself, I felt love and gratitude for you.
You are honest and I respect you, unconditionally!
Sorry for what you went through through your childhood, no child should face that.
I no longer hate the person whom I used to be his energy supply ,however, I am - completely - afraid of him and I feel sorry for him at the same time although he wasted eight years of my life in vain!
I reclaimed my life back, and had forgiven him ~ since hurt people hurt! No contact will never be lifted everrrrr though!
Loads of love and respect, even if they mean nothing to you!
Stay well! 💞
When you told about your health it struck me deeply. Also when you spoke about your childhood. I feel the pain in the heart for you sufferings. You are a good person truly
Mr Vaknin, you are the most human creature I have ever heard and understood. Please dont say you are a narcissist. You have the dippest look in to the pain we all have experienced in childhood. I thimk that you are calling yourself narcissist as a coping mechanism.
I am not considered narcissistic and I CAN identify with you as a mother and fellow human being. We all deserve unconditional love. Keep up the great job.
" I help people because it is a way to secure attention, gratitude, adulation and admiration. And because it is the fastest and surest way to get rid of them and their incessant nagging." -- Dr. Vaknin. I appreciate the honesty and I have stopped nagging incessantly haha, ever since I started watching your videos. It is my extreme sadness that MY narcissist is a dullard, empty vessel with nothing to offer humanity. I wish YOU were my sibling, if I had to have a narcissist as a sibling! I watch everything and read everything by you that I can get my hands on because I think too that I could have been brilliant given the circumstances but everything was blocked by my siblings who were led by the narcissist. It took me 61 years and a lot of UA-cam videos to learn what is going on and I find your teachings to be the most helpful. So thank you for taking the time no matter your motives.
Dr. Vaknin I am grateful to you for all your sacrifice and compassion for psychicologicaly wounded people and children that are traumatized every day . Good exists as evil does. For me even the presence of the Narcissist as mirror shows that your True Self still exists somewhere there in you .
I appreciate your candor. I discovered your channel about 7-8 months ago. Originally I wondered how on earth someone with this disorder is capable of being honest and straightforward regarding this disorder when they are not in reality themselves. But, Periodically I find myself going back to your videos for more clarity regarding this disorder. Knowing someone with this disorder personally, I cannot deny your real, accurate description. I appreciate another video where you explain the NPD is not a diabolical person but just trying to maneuver through life with the lens they have, just trying to get basic needs met. That makes the most sense to me. Even though other channels prefer to vilify NPD. Yet, I know my sympathy doesn’t change the sad fact that a relationship with this person os not possible. There is only give; there is no take. No feelings to tie this person to me. So sad for this person and for me.
Believe me, I CAN imagine. I feel this deeply, cause I expierienced all this PLUS sexual abuse. So, like you, my only rescue is knowledge about was happened there. Not 16 years....47 years! You give me the psychologie for help. For explaining my life, my bioagraphy, my feelings, myself and all the kosmos. Tank you very much. In all this I can feel lucky: Im not a narcissist, I can grow and love, I am just Cluster C.
Thank you, Professor Vaknin. What a fascinating presentation. Just amazing. We love your mask, but I'm sorry that it causes such pain.
The experience of the Dr. Sam is amazing, amazing for the learners. By hearing the story of the Dr. Sam I felt sad for my ex husband, he never could sleep, he always forgot the places we visited and he was so mean by devaluating me, devaluating my skills (skills that I know are good). At the end I felt so sad for the people who lives with NPD 😢 but I’m so grateful that the Dr. Sam can share with us this very useful information. I’m Spanish speaker and I believe that this videos must be translated to ALL languages and used in awareness campaigns.
Mr. Vaknin is a treasure for every narcissistic person. Adore him.
I wish I could hear MORE of these kind of videos from Pro. Sam Vaknin
Empathy allows us to identify with each other, in that way we can learn from each other's ups and downs, learn from the misteps of others. Unfortunately, narcissistics cannot identify with others much less themselves. It means they must suffer through every experience themselves.
Please take care of yourself Mr Vaknin. Live a long life. X
Sam, you have helped me to understand the complexities of someone who is truly a narcissist and why I stayed so long in the relationship. I wish I could help you with your sadness... But, nonetheless, I still care about you. I thank you for helping so many people by sharing your life story.
I have never lived, I exist and I've always felt I'm on the outside looking in, I have never fitted in anywhere and I know I never will as I'm in late 50's and live alone and I feel I've always been alone, I never know if I'll see another day and most times I pray I don't, I disappeared into my books since I was a child, I dissociate and that's probably what's kept me alive from the trauma and constant abuse all my life.
Until we can sit well in the abyss of the non existant (egoic) self, it's all masking. Thanks Sam, you're a rare gem and this video is a truly great contribution to mental health. To know conditions from the inside out is essential but rarely taught in the psych world. Thank you and may you be blessed 🙏
Okay. I so feel everything you say. It’s terrible, when you talk about your childhood, it’s like you are talking about mine. I still don’t know if I can trust the way I feel about you - because I have a ‘hypnotic’ attraction to narcissists, and I always feel it’s the purest, most potent feeling, like sacred, selfless - intoxicating love until I am discarded or until I am so hurt and humiliated that I discard myself. Until I am totally broken.
I feel still I do have compassion and love for your Doctor Sam. I would want to make you feel better... but I am have discovered I am sick also, so I realize it’s probably a fantasy. What am I to do or want to do to help you? What am I to think, when I can’t even know my deepest motivation ? What am I to feel, do I even trust anything I feel??
I was surrounded by narcissists growing up, and I do love them all, and feel for them all. But I am broken, and I don’t know if I can ever mend my pieces together.
( I am not sure if I am just codependent, or codependent & bpd - i do have narcissistic traits, and I crave attention and some sort of approval and I feel I am alive and worthy through the other, I only stand myself when I see with the other’s eyes, I want them to look at me and love me, so I can finally love myself- it is a kind of intoxicating supply - I am not narcissist, I always feel so much ‘empathy’ for everyone , to much, raw pain and all invasive emotions, I feel like an gaping wound most of the time, I am bleeding inside, All I am is hellish, tormented existence.
sometimes I do feel euphoric, I feel sexy, smart, worthy, special and attractive, i have risky behavior, magical thinking and I do get lots of attention, from mainly narcissists - or at least these are the people I am attracted to, I only notice you if you are a narcissist, then I love you, I must over you and I would do anything for you, I would compromise myself to save you any day...
but most of the time I feel lonely, unlovable, repulsive and I totally ´know’ that no one will ever love me, and if by mistake someone does , I ‘know’ still they will ultimately reject and abandon me... and i will be left like a rejected broken toy, that wasn’t good enough and left for trash.
a lot of the time I feel I live a nightmare - that my life is a nightmare. Because even the intoxicating love I felt, is suddenly worthless, meaningless and what I have sacrificed myself for, is ultimately, at a second glance, worthless illusion and selfdeception. Am even able to love at all? The narcissist may even point it out to me: your feelings are fickle and fake.
I am just struck at the similitudes between the discription you are giving about the narcissist and me still.
Oh my hope, wish and the way I wanted to be in the future, was (until I had a child and wouldn’t ever want to leave her without a father and without a mother) just inexistant, I never even understood why would anyone want to go on living. I wanted to just stop being. I imagined the bliss of nothingness.
I don’t know if there is a cure. But I have been trying and discovering more and more about my childhood, about what really happened, about the denial and dissociation and I finally understood the different representations in psychology but also in the Bible about the pain, the hurt and the heritage. But hearing there is no hope for you to heal, how can I hope to heal?? I so want to heal for my daughter, I think I am a good enough mother to her and I try to still shield her from my unbalance and my CPTSD. I want her also to develop a healthy ego. I want to be happy. I try to change and not cut myself off from other people, but go towards good people, benign people, I also believe Jesus can heal me.
Why did I feel a sudden urge to cry as soon as I started watching this video?! I noticed that whenever I find something very relatable to my trauma, even though i'm not fully aware of ut or exactly whay it is, my immediate raw reaction is to cry, it probably shows how fragile and infantile I am, and how pathetic I regard myself to be, I have a lot of empathy and pity for myself.
But after all you seem to be honest. And this ist for me one part of healing....
Thank you for being candidly honest.
You’re story has helped me to understand my mothers narcissistic personality disorder, she had the same up bringing. However I know that a relationship with her is dangerous and a narcissistic supply
This has helped me transform my anger, confusion, and hatred for my narcissistic abuser into pity. I am more whole than they could ever be.
Beautifully said