Narcissistic & Psychopathic Emotional Manipulation | Can it be avoided?
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- Опубліковано 27 кві 2024
- This video answers the question: How can people that are narcissistic and psychopathic use emotions to manipulate people? What I'm really talking about here is a specific type of manipulation, where people try to elicit a specific emotion to achieve objective. We know this tends to be more associated, as a behavior anyway, with narcissism and psychopathy. Somebody doesn't have to be narcissistic or psychopathic to be manipulative. When we talk about emotions what we see is that emotions are thought of as helpful.
If we look at emotions, we see there are only six basic emotions and they are present across all cultures. The emotions are anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise.
Emotions are simple, immediate, and they're constricted to really just six types, although the amount of expression would be different depending on the situation.
Psychopathy > Narcissism > Insecurity
They are successful because people are not aware. It’s easy to win a game that nobody else is playing.
@jeans423 exactly. Sandra Brown calls psychopathy a disease of "social hiding". If these creatures were all called out on their tactics, they couldn't continue to do what they do. They need to be called out! However, I know that being caclulating an manipulative, those who expose these ways are likely to face grave retaliation and consequences. At the end of the day, I think having a collective awareness is the best defense. You're only as strong as your weakest link!
Well said!!
@Big Mike It's also of very little practical use to win a game no one else is playing.
Ooh so so true when they do the mirroring, projecting and leave people blaming themselves. These are very tricky individuals.
@J R Thats so true the devil wants us to keep silent for fear of his counterattacks. Indeed attack you will be coz I called him out tho I dint know what it was then but I just knew at some point this man was evil. Boy dint I begin getting attacks, being suffocated in my sleep by invisible beings. I think one needs to be equiped when they embark on exposing them, have some authority figure covering us otherwise it can be fatal. Thats why we are advised to run instead of trying to contend with them. These are dangerous beings.
Interesting. When you spoke of “Why does it work on adults?” I had the thought that most adults are not aware of the emotional limitations of the people that are manipulating them. They can’t see the “fireproof suit” and so assume that they are dealing with a similarly mature person on a level playing field. They don’t realize the level of callousness that the other person is capable of.
Angela Nichols exactly. Because ‘normal’ people would expect others to be reasonable, good and fair but the narcissist/ psychopaths are not that. It takes us a while to catch on to people around who provoke us. With age comes wisdom but we keep learning from lectures like this.
dazkptl We don’t know what we don’t know. If a person doesn’t know to search for “narcissism “ they may remain unaware. That aside, the type of person a narcissist targets would most likely question whether they are reading a situation correctly before thinking, “Hey, that person may be a narcissist; I need to steer clear.”
@@@aliciam6177
Exactly! Well said!
@@ReturnOfTheJ.D. , I don't think people generally go looking for answers until they have experienced the problem and it has caused them great difficulty and confusion in their lives.
dazkptl I can see how you would draw that conclusion. When I was on the outside looking in, a person staying in an abusive relationship made no sense. I, too, questioned why a person didn’t just leave. Living with a narcissist, however, is never that uncomplicated. Leaving is even more complicated. We question our ability to make sound decisions, we are often unemployed or underemployed at his insistence, and are isolated from people who could help. Simply waking up to the fact that narcissistic abuse is happening doesn’t solve the practical problems keeping us in the relationship.
The main way to not get manipulated by a narcissistic is to not need or desire anything from them. That’s when the journey to self love and personal agency starts.
This is radically good information for ppl who have been diagnosed as overly empathic. They have often been negatively conditioned by manipulators throughout their childhoods.
It would be cool if there were videos of actors acting out various scenarios. I think that would help people gain more insight. It could be easier to see how these ideas relate to your own life when presented that way.
Additionally, it would be cool if there was a place to practice with these scenarios.
I can shut off when people are being confrontational, and I feel like if I practiced healthy reactions to people being confrontational, it could help. Obviously that last part extends to dealing with healthy people, but I think my reactions are unhealthy in that area from a history of dealing with very aggressive confrontation.
Ah yes. Exactly.
Cfd
How do you get diagnosed as overly empathetic?
@@seanmatthewking I know what you mean because people tell me that I have to stand up for myself, yet I've been physically assaulted and had two of my teeth knocked out by an angry young woman once, hence why it can be difficult to even think straight when dealing with an aggressive person in front of me. 🙁
Manipulators- i now can spot one right away, within 5 minutes of speaking with one. Hard lessons in life gave me this ability.
same
Yeah it’s tough when want to give others the benefit of the doubt and automatically reevaluate our own behavior when someone is acting strange.
It’s not always clear to me if I or the other person is the asshole.
Same
Can you please write a step by step manual?
Remember when they beat you they’re beating steel
The reward, an emotional reaction is exactly what the disordered person wants. The experiment with the animal pressing the button to get a reward is so true to the narcs behaviour pattern. They keep trying to press others buttons until they get their response/ reward. Give them no response for their manipulations, make them irrelevant and watch them self destruct, but not before they try to destroy you though. So be strong and watch your back and stay true.
True and they never get tired since their emotions are not tuned when they seek that reaction. They are almost like computerised machines that usually repeat things over and over until reaction is achieved, they eat on that and do it again and by the time victims realise theyve lost themselves.
@@puresoul1368 But they spend enormous amounts of energy on scheming, plotting and planning ways to get supply and waste all their energy in this game such that their health suffers. When you're such a negative, insecure and unhappy human being it's bound to... Feel sorry for them...
@@meera2531 yes av noted migraine headaches on them coz of being in rage and angry all time.
Also diabetes, heart disease and related issues because they're just toxic inside. Their ideas about the world are depressing and harsh. They don't believe in love and happiness. It's a dark and lonely place.
@@jenj7249 yes that's true... They are able to do damage control and move on easily. I meant it for narcs only...
Not reacting to emotions is generally the best possible thing you can do. You can always do something about it later after the emotion has washed through.
I needed to hear this! 🙏
Lol socio/psychopaths are excellent at this.
great advice👍🏽👍🏽
I agree 100%.
In a world where everything is now ruled by emotions over logic. It's a wasteland of broken people.
I am primed to be manipulated due to upbringing with narcissistic mother, I can often feel 'trapped' by a manipulative situation as I can now see it as it is happening but have not understood how to react to get out of its spell.
Thankyou for giving me some direction when I feel lost in the moment, will be trying this out as some mental/emotional health homework right away.
Excited to see what happens!
Don't ever feel that you have to explain yourself to a manipulative person. Just state your terms and then have nothing to do with their performance. Give them nothing to work with. No means no.
@@GrumpSkull GREAT advice!! 💞
It's as if you are bringing out the pain of my soul that none has felt so far.
Hugs here too.
It takes awhile to see what's happening. Narc moms often do stuff like this to you in relative (social, right?) isolation, so you don't see how a normal person wouldn't even say or do anything like that in the contexts psycho moms do.
For me, the most important perspective to keep (bc we lose it so easily) is there's a larger world to zoom out to, and that there's polite opt-outs we're not using bc mom never taught us those things. Why should she? She sees our autonomy as an addiction to be overcome, rather than a God-given right we must use responsibly.
How do we learn to navigate socially? Observation, and when you need things spelled out for you, your family's supposed to help you with that - discreetly and privately. Our moms abused that privacy to guilt trip us, gaslight us, and gather data for operant conditioning experiments.
Often , we must rely on observation alone and *remember* that it is wrong to socially isolate somebody against their will for your own purposes. Kidnapping is a crime bc force is usually used. In the absence of force, it is assumed that you can opt out. Please remember that. Try opting out of more things you don't want to do, just bc you don't want to. If "no, thank you" isn't respected, excuse yourself, no matter how awkward it comes off - your mama never taught you more socially acceptable ways to say no than stick your tongue out and fold your arms, so try different ones and see which ones stick and how gracefully they went over.
The world is full of opt-outs we were conditioned to be blind to, so we're not going to use them gracefully, and we're not kids so it's not likely someone will adopt us and brief us how to do better next time. But please try them. Even awkwardly executed, they will b respected more often than you anticipate. They make a world of difference. But you must remember they are there, regardless if you have any idea what they might look like. And there's years of conditioning to undo before you *remember you have options* more often than you *forget they even exist*.
In our unique circumstances, I've found it actually better to err on the side of "everyone else is doing it". Remember prefacing many arguments with your mom like, "all the other kids get to...."? That way, you get to observe (not rush headlong into) real quick whether we are talking about learning to drive, or jumping off a cliff. That makes "deserves" irrelevant. Do the "other kids" "deserve" to try something new, fail, and then deal w/consequences without punishment/discouragement, or is that just a good thing to learn? Do the "other kids" "deserve" to take finals on the team bus, complete w/answers, or is that just a clumsy compromise administrators made to have a winning season n sell tickets?
Be your own compassionate Observer. Quantum physics says even that can make a world of difference, or at least help you catch a glimpse of one.
Politics, sales, religion...I see this everywhere. Thanks Dr Grande.
You're not wrong.
Exactly!! Well said! I see it, too. ❤️
house re-fi’s ...less deductable interest against earned income, results in more tax.
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. *Anger leads to hate.* Hate leads to suffering."
A sith deals in absolutes. Which is an absolute statement itself. So am I a sith? I must be
Embrace your hate. It's the essence of being human. Plus extreme stupidity. A hateful stupid person goes far.
I absolutely agree with not rewarding the behavior. I recently reinforced a boundary with my dad and he reacted with gaslighting and manipulation. He became very defensive, very angry and it scared me so much, I thought he was going to hit me. It also didn’t help that he got up in my face to show how in control and powerful he thinks he is and even dissed my therapist. I then waited till he left because he did leave (because I think he’s a pathological narcissist and he didn’t get his way) and I talked to mom and eventually cried. Bottom line: Do NOT let these people see your reaction. It’ll only make things worse
My father was like this, too. He was an overt narcissist and forever 'talking' in an extremely loud voice and I was, and am, extremely sensitive to noise. Plus he was constantly criticising others and it then became my turn as a teenager. He would go on and on, knowing that eventually I would react and he would actually seem to enjoy these exchanges. It got to the point where he'd get in my personal space and, especially as a female, I didn't like this and would push him away. This was his 'cue' to get physically aggressive and my mother, a covert narcissist, would stand by maybe asking us to stop and later telling me that it was both our fault as we "both ha[d] bad tempers"! I would point out he was the father and the adult and I the minor and she would ignore this. She put his welfare above her own daughter which I bitterly resented particularly as I felt it violated a mother's maternal instinct but she seemed to lack this. When I met my husband I made certain he knew any children we had would come first for me as a mother: he completely agreed and always felt my parents were extremely dysfunctional.
Regarding reactions, during those years I lived with my narcissistic parents I always did my best to hide any emotional reactions from them. I didn't wish to be seen in tears or otherwise 'vulnerable' and therefore in a state I felt they could use against me. Ever since then, I have been very guarded about my emotional reactions. I am extremely sensitive and will react to music and some movies with tears but never want anyone to see this. Maybe also the fact I am an INTJ - on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator - also has to do with being predisposed to being stoic, emotionally guarded, and as a result coming across as aloof and intellectual and detached to anyone who doesn't know me extremely well.
Once I began University studies, I left 'home' and over the years I read extensively works dealing with toxic parents, self-esteem, setting boundaries with others, learning to be comfortable being assertive etc. This was well before the internet was commonplace and before narcissistic parenting was a topic. It took years of work, and I had my husband's support and also for a time I worked with a therapist to help me determine how to deal with my parents and how much contact to have with them. I had to keep minimal contact with my father as he still would try to get a reaction by making nasty critical remarks for some years. He passed 12 years ago and I didn't feel the level of grief I had expected which as my husband said was understandable considering his abusive behaviour. I have minimal contact with my mother and I tend to phone her so I speak to her when it suits me and not the other way around.
Know that you're not alone and there's lots of help both online, in books, and from good therapists out there. I hope you start to maybe look for support via a counsellor experienced with survivors of narcissistic parents and also use resources online about the topic. Best wishes to you from a fellow survivor.
@@Adara007
Glad you were aware.
Many go 60 yrs. Through life marriage etc. And have no clue.
Please if you are able make more aware esp. Youth so they don't have to go through this terror.
Blessings
LOL! I think all narcissists go to the same school because they all react the same regardless which part of the world they are from.
@@saikoloji They're possesed and controlled by same type of entities slapping their heads left and right to make them act out in these same ways/patterns like a programmed robot. They all will tell you a voice in themselves said, just do it lol. They don't know whose that voice is manipulating and torturing them😈
@@saikoloji yes human behavior disorders have exact same traits no matter where they live! He did a video about this talking about all the traits of a narc. Great learning.
OMG! You have no idea, Dr. Grande, how relieving it is, to hear, a mental health professional, not relying much on feelings.
At this time, where spirituality is spreading wide, there's way too much emphasis on emotions.
I find it rare that people give any importance to logic anymore.
Really sad and dangerous!
Manipulation runs high where logic is diminished.
Thank you for the great info!
We have a saying in the 12 step programs I belong to: “Feelings are not facts.” It’s ok to have feelings, but actions are based on thoughts.
I remember the day I heard that too! I was heading into a meeting and it shocked me. I trusted ( still do) the long timer who told me this. Also, intentions aren’t “enough” lol.
my ex loved to say things in order to make me upset or hurt, when I reacted he would call me crazy and dramatic by then laughing and telling me he was just kidding. He felt joy everytime he succeeded with his nefarious intentions. I am so proud of myself to have been able to get out not by my own decision to ended. Because he is the one who ended it in the most painful way. Five years later I can only thank him for freeing me and giving me the opportunity to play reset and enjoy a brand new life life
I noticed that the narcissist would smirk when I reacted in a highly emotional way, as if showing that I was the irrational one after really being triggered. Then I came across a book called the Dance of Anger which made me understand what was going on and have completely changed, and learned to react in a completely unemotional way, if at all when dealing with someone like this.
As an aside, it is my impression that a polygraph test can measure the emotional response, so when they get that, the police know to look further in that specific area. Body language can also tell us when we're being lied to, and anyone who has a narcissist in their lives should do their best to learn the body language of a liar, and no it's not in the eyes. Liars are actually quite good at holding eye contact and looking sincere because of the myth that you can look into someone's eyes to detect a lie.
They smirk because gaining a reaction from you makes them feel powerful and in control right? I keep being amazed by the narcissists ability to thrive in chaos. They love chaos.
Yes my mom smurks when she gets a negative reaction. At first I was devistated and I cried but now I feel nothing for her. She's moving in with her Narci golden friend soon. We'll that will be explosive not at first but give it time. She's managing to poison my brother against me now. We'll thats the payment for me because I spoke out against her lies but I'd rather be without a butt kissing Apath brother who falls at her feet like a puppy dog.
That's smirking is the devil.
My mom, who probably had BPD or NPD, would roll her eyes.
Scientific research has shown that when most people Lie their eyes will blink more than usual you can see it when politicians tell Lies on television watch them and you can see the repeated Blinking of their eyes it’s totally involuntary and they don’t realize it but you can see it However a psychopath or someone without a conscious is a different story they can Lie and not show any signs of a Liar 🤥
I am learning to respond with "I am sorry you feel that way". It tends to get under their skin.
Ya it's amazing how well that works. It still surprises me.
"You pity me but refuse to help me. How hypocritical and frankly, disgustingly callous. You should be ashamed of yourself"
I have been cleaning out my contact list to get these people out of my life completely. Life is so peaceful now.
@Hansol's Friend I am sorry you feel that way.
I have put up with 27 years of abuse from my husbands step-son and his mother. I have gone no contact as there will never be a change to their tag team behavior. And I have had peace since August 2019 feels great. I have my life back. No more drama no more choose me over her, no more I tell you to jump and how high. Yes, I have found the only way to deal with the Narcs is to Not Deal with them at all. Especially the son, he was born to a different father not my husband, and even though his mother admitted it finally, his son still wants to punish my husband for moving forward with his life? This child is 34 years old living in his mother's basement. Never took care of himself. It is pathetic how he threatens to kill people and gets away with it. He blames everyone for what an incompetent person he is. We are tired of trying to fix his mistakes in life.
"playing with the house's money" is a brilliant metaphor.
Never thought of a feeling & an emotion as two different things.
We must protect ourselves from manipulative people 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I’d rather get manipulated sometimes than make a conscious effort to decide whether a person is trying to manipulate me. It’s too cynical of a way to live life for my taste.
Well said!!
Julia Mimi wait, sarcasm is "narcissistic"/"psychopathic"??? Well, fuck. I guess I don't have bipolar disorder anymore and am just a sociopath. Thanks for the diagnosis!!
@Julia Mimi I think everyone has a certain degree of manipulative behaviors, but not to the same degree, practiced as many times, or causing nearly as much harm to others.
@@hexanitroethane Perhaps you have not seen or experienced the effect what a narc is really capable of doing to one's life and family. Even after years of separation I am still trying to save ourselves from total distruction through means of legal help. They are true criminals. They go to the police with false accusations. They smear you to your own friends and family. They truly want nothing less but to distroy you. Would you just go to jail for their pleasure, really? Or would you put up with them for the rest of your life hurting everyone in your family while also lying to everyone constantly. Well, I would say that is very cynical and irresponsible.
My dad used to manipulate my mom, me and my sister into anger and irritation and I could see in his face expression of satisfaction and even smile when he watches my mom screaming from his behavior. I used to think my father was a psychopath and your video made me reflect on the idea even more. Thank you for valuable information.
I'm so glad you've validated the "Grey Rock" technique that people in recovery from abuse recommend. It's especially helpful for co-parents and coworkers - people where it's not possible to cut off all ties and go no contact. It's the same as what you described - Don't React. Be as boring to them as a grey rock in a pile of rubble. Cut off the supply.
Eventually, they usually move on to another target (unfortunately for that person), from the stories I've read. Not always - there's some truly obsessive ones that'll just keep trying. But keeping those boundaries in place and being logical still helps a person regain control of themselves amidst the chaos.
Great stuff Dr. Grande. Loved the explanation about emotions versus feelings, too. I had no idea they were separate constructs. Loving all this education 😊
Also applies to children of narcs...
@@meera2531 Yuppers 😊
Where do I learn grey rocking??
Emotions are a gift. They are utilized (anger which propels us to protect the innocent) or enjoyed (joy at a new baby) when they are well ordered. They need to follow the intellect. Having had depression/anxiety can actually be a gift as a person realizes that the truth is not decided by how one feels..
The minute I overly exhibit any sort of joy or mood enlightenment, my spouse HAS to bring me back down (where he wants me, which is at rock-bottom). 😅
Narc's are insulted/fearful of your sense of self.
@@kieransimpson4965 My mom does that to me. She hates when I'm in a light mood and has to try to cut me off at the knees
@@Adrianafaith123 try to be mindful that it's her and not you who has a problem. Issues with parents is difficult because you expect it to not be that way.
Yup 👍 I experienced this too in my 20 yr marriage. I could not figure out what he had against joy
run away do no contact dont put up with that life is too short
I removed the reward by removing the reward namely myself , I Literly had to end the relationship because once learning observe not obsorb techniques, your in-depth explanations of the different criteria the end decision was mine .
It's that old saying put up or shut up so I chose get out , very sad but sometimes you have to except there's no room for improvement.
Tried it all back and forth until one day you realise loving and caring and all your time you give them just isn't enough .
Thankyou for all your insight most valuable.
Removing reward for manipulation. Sounds like raising children. 🤣
He basically said that.
because it is basically dealing with immature behaviour in both situations
That's called pavlovian conditioning. Manipulating people into them stopping manipulating you...
But it's adults and when they push the button it hurts
My narc husband is very emotionally similar to our 3 year old. Sad but true.
The realization that one has been successfully manipulated is embarrassing. I appreciate the doc's insight😊
i am always curious of the reaction one hopes for in these circumstances. So, I ask that person for what reaction they want from their attempts to antagonize. I maintain a flat affect. It is not me to whom they react...it is that which I represent to them. Displays of pathological ego-centrism are not about me...they are about that persons' relational expectations.
Yes I think I get you with this, interesting
Dr grande, thank you for helping me understand
Just the other day, when I I was completely shattered and emotionally broken, I look up..... and ask my spouse.... why he is SMIRKING.
The smirking this happened to me also when after I broke up with my boyfriend I asked him if could still work it out. He couldn't find his smile when he was saying no to me. I bet it felt so good to him.
That smirk is an uncontrollable “ tell “ in my experience, quite useful in a person that usually has very tight control over their verbal and non verbal expressions ( until losing it )
Dr Grande, I could kiss your forehead for the wealth of this very informative emotions/responses 'simplified' MANY THANKS!!
Yep.. I even watched a 2.5 min mattress advert in total appreciation Haha..
You're king of 'the' mountain 😘
Totally bookmarking this, may help future avalanches 😂
Thank you so much - you are too kind!
OMG I've been trying to find this again... 💞
I found this video to be extremely helpful. I had recently been targeted by a highly manipulative person, and the outcome wasn't good for me. At all. I didn't need to follow my heart or listen to my intuition or act on my feelings. I needed better boundaries. I would have saved myself a lot if unnecessary pain. So, thank you, Dr Grande.
Holy crap, you just gave the quickie course on Emotional Regulation 101 and why it's so necessary! I learn so much from this channel, it's ridiculous!
This is one of the most practical and useful discourses I’ve had the good fortune to listen to in a long time.
Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Grande! I'm learning so much from your channel, and it's been really helpful. Your a great example of what an educational mental health channel should be. ✌
It dawned on me that this is being used in plain sight with current politics.
Don't be silly. It's always in plain sight with politics.
Brad McEwen ya think?
@@jdr9419 yep I think. I use all due laymen discernment & I see the very epitome of a cluster b mutimorbid.
Exactly!!!! That is how I discovered that my Golden Child was a text book Narcissist and I was abused the last 20 years.
Thank you for analysing this topic. I highly recommend the book "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" for anyone who wants to avoid being manipulated and to be assertive with others. It helped me greatly years ago to learn to deal with my narcissistic parents and the narcissists who had seen me as a supply until I learned to deal with the abusive parenting and develop self-esteem, set boundaries with others, and be comfortable being assertive. I also found Dr. Susan Forward's books extremely helpful such as "Toxic Parents" among others. This was before the internet was commonplace and before narcissistic parenting was discussed. I later entered therapy to help me deal with my parents and decide how much, if any, contact to have with them. Emotional manipulation is immature, as you said, and these strategies work on adults due to impulsivity and believing they need to react. Setting personal boundaries is critical - the book "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" gives strategies such as 'Fogging' and others which the manipulator doesn't expect and if continued to be used (The "Broken Record" technique) will eventually cause the manipulator to give up. It is a matter of learning to dig in and stay strong with a manipulative person!
So when tearful 8 year old me was told to "just ignore" the boys throwing dead worms at me after a rainstorm by dear ol ma, she was right? It was impossible for me at the time and I walked away feeling put upon (why did I have to change when they were in the wrong?). So then I never really caught onto the setting boundaries thing. Just retreated, as a protective measure. Many years later I still walk around feeling like I am missing parts. Except now, the heart on my sleeve is armor plated. This is why we first want to acknowledge/validate children's feelings and engage them in discovering solutions. Ma's ideas were so cockamamy sounding I never implemented anything she said. It all was "magical formulas" I could never remember to recite in the moment. Or, I couldn't recognize others abusive tendencies until it was super obvious and "too late". Lots of hurt feelings. Thanks again Dr. G., I will reparent this child in adult skin. Promise.
"No response." This is good advice for dealing with emotionally abusive people who have enlisted agents against you. It's so hard to refrain from stooping to the abusive person's level and explaining your truth to their agents. But that would only feed the abusive person and fuel their lies.
Also, narcissistic people, sociopaths and psycopaths associate with certain people only because they know that they can get something out of them, not because they care about them.
When I was younger, my mom used to tell me to be careful whenever I told her about a new friend. I never understood what she meant. Now, a dozen manipulative "friends" later - I know exactly what she meant!
Yes, exactly. It gets complicated when that person has a power role in our society, like a police officer who is a domestic abuser,or clergy who is abusing a child, mentee.
Thankfully most subjects who fit the criteria for aspd or Psychopathy have a criminal history preventing them from those positions. When they don’t it is an absolute tragedy.
@@hexanitroethane uht no... see the Catholic priesthood-Nunery child f*cking tradition.
You as a responsible member of the human society you have the duty to speak out against injustice and stop a person who abuses his authority level position. Don't be afraid to say something. Just be careful and protect yourself during the process because some people are psychopaths and their Egos are huge and they will feel hurt by you questioning them so be careful with the way you bring justice to the situation. You can work with a lawyer, social worker or get other people involved to help you in that process. But those who abuse their authority position must be held accountable. Nobody is exempt. If we let people abuse their leverage then things will escalate into the wrong direction. Never allow that to happen.
3fishes inatank abusers study people and know what will affect them.
Domestic violence it's the highest amongst people in the law enforcement field
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Haters gonna hate.
Dang it you were so close
They don't use there emotions, they have none . They use our emotions against ourselves 🙄
Great subject. When it comes to boundaries, setting them is one thing, but let’s say the manipulator never listens to your “no”? You can keep saying it until it feels like you’re talking to a brick wall, but that manipulator will never even acknowledge your “no”. Refusing to fulfill their request results in a complete smear campaign. And this is one example of a difficult area of boundary setting - what if someone deliberately fails to acknowledge them? The high sense of entitlement is so consuming that I can’t seem to fathom this type of manipulative behavior/ narcissistic behavior? Thank you Dr Grande! I’m really grateful for these treasures you share because they really do help. Have a happy weekend! ☺️
You are quite welcome - have a good weekend :)
Call the police and press charges...violating boundaries in some instances are a crime. I.e. i recently learned my husbands misbehavior is not because of alcoholism, but autistic narcissism. So, after his raging yelling and im the boss speeches, my boundary is "no touch", one that used to be violated regularly. After reporting his violations of this boundary to the authorities, though no action resulted, he now respects the boundary. I am now ready to give up being stubborn about my family goals and proceed wuthout him being inpart with our family of 10.
I hope you too, find peace, safety and life without violations of your rights to be a good person, not abused.
Please could you talk about *dissociation* and narcissistic abuse thank you x
That's a great topic. I'd like to hear as well.
Yeah I would love to hear about dissociative states and what they mean biologically and socially and emotionally
I'll second that
I’d be curious about that as well. Matthew Perry was once in a movie about DID. I found it interesting but still have no idea about what it is
@@christinsongbird Same here!
Really like how you begin with the framework that emotions results in interpersonal problems when emotions are excessive or deficient, i.e., some emotional responses are distorted; and that most people believe that our emotions accurately reflect other peoples' intentions, feelings, etc. This is false.
Dr Grande, I'd also like to see a video about how borderlines manipulate peoples' emotions, esp in comparison to people with NPD and ASPD.
You know what this video proved, that my phone is listening to my conversations. Google keep listening.
Thank you for talking about this!You are brilliant!
Thank you for your open and honest insight on these subjects !
Excellent analysis, thank you. If there is one piece of advice that I would give to anyone on the receiving end of manipulation, it would be to not respond. This is incredibly difficult, especially when the person is saying awful and unfair things to you. I have experience of this. My ex wife, (who was diagnosed with a number of personality disorders), was trying to manipulate me after we separated. For example, one time when I wouldn't do what she wanted, she said "No wonder your mother was ashamed of you". This was only a couple of weeks after my mother died, and was completely untrue. This is just one example of the abuse, and it takes all of your strength not to respond to something like that. However, when I stopped responding to her texts, and stopped taking her calls when I knew that she was going to be abusive on the phone, the manipulation diminished dramatically. It's difficult to do, as your natural instinct is to defend yourself, but it's the only way to stop the abuse and manipulation. Good luck to anyone going through this process. Stay strong, and things will honestly get better ❤
Boundaries are priceless!! Thank you!
Omg! I love your videos. We can be on guard at all times as long as we know who we’re dealing with. Thank you!
Brilliant talk once again.much love.❤️ Nu.
Thank you Todd! You have quite a channel here. Great work!!!
Thank you! The descriptive narratives are a joy for me! Easy to understand and so helpful. Maybe part of the responsibility lies with me, the victim of the narcissist. After the denial and discovery stage and the intense anger for allowing the abuse, there was no choice but to "grow up" myself. The weakness used against me I had been carrying around since childhood!
Really excellent, enjoyable video, Dr Grande. Thank you so much. Keep up the good work 🌟
Great insights given in this video! Need to listen to it again to help process the flow of information. Many thanks for sharing your knowledge, Dr. Grande.
These videos are so informative, sometime I have to watch them a couple times and take notes!! Thank you so much, your work puts awareness and self help on the fast track! The bit on the firestarter with a fireproof suit on is gold. Explains how it is so well!! You just can't survive it you have to run away or escape.
Great video as always! What disturbs me about this whole area of emotional manipulation is that most of that is supposed to be done by narcissists "unconsciously". At least that is what I have heard some clinical psychologists say. And it kind of makes sense, given the supposed lack of insight of narcissistic personalities. But assuming that is indeed correct, i.e. that most manipulation is done "unconsciously", how can I know that I do not engage in the same behavior? I know I do not ever intend to manipulate anyone, but if manipulation is "unconsciously" produced, how can I, or anyone else for that matter, be sure that we do not manipulate others unintentionally? Of course we could ask others to give us critical feedback if our behavior is hurtful, but some people may be embarrassed to do that while others may deliver unfair criticism. So how can we ever know we do not manipulate others unintentionally?
Good question. I would look at objective variables. Like objective truths. Do you lie? If so, how often? Do these lies serve a purpose? Are they sometimes just for fun? Do you break laws? That might be a start.
@@hexanitroethane Unfortunately, it is not obvious in many practical situations what the truth is, especially given the proneness of our minds to distort reality to fit our perceptions into the framework of personal values, beliefs and attitudes. Some of those deep values and beliefs were formed even at the pre-verbal age, hence we are back to the "square one" of how do we know we do not unconsciously manipulate others. I do agree with you that either deliberate lying (i.e. distorting what you really think about reality) or failure to correct previously stated untruths of which one became aware later - those are examples of manipulative behavior. But they are in the realm of conscious. My question was about the supposed unconscious nature of emotional manipulations. That's what I heard they are - largely unconscious, in the case of pathological narcissists. Innocuous self-serving interpretations do probably arise in their minds about what others regard as their manipulations. But how do we know that we, similar to the narcissists, do not manipulate outside of our awareness?
@Michael Escobar I did take that test (as part of the Dark Triad test), and I am "anti-machiavellian". My political naivety is ridiculous... Not good in a modern workplace...
"Cut off the reward". Thank you Dr.Grande, especially for explaining how feelings can be distorted interpretations of emotion.
Your channel is so helpful. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
Your last few comments about how to handle people ignoring boundaries is very helpful.
These videos hypnotize me...sooo interesting! BRAVO, DOC, BRAAAVO!👏🏻
Thank you!
Dr. Grande, thank you for helping me understand me.
Very interesting.
Very useful information
I had to come back and re-read
Dr. Grande is an exceptional professional I can tell by just watching his videos. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
Fantastic. It’s helpful to know these things.
Absolutely fantastic video. I love the examples there. Extremely helpful. I am out 2 years from an extremely manipulative marriage of 30 years. I felt so reactive as years passed and so surprised of my self. Been watched 24/7 made impossible to retreat somewhere to have a brake or hide.
Thank you for sharing this 💚
Thank you for elaborating about feelings & emotions
So uplifting
😃
You are a brilliant doctor, and you have no idea how much you've helped me. Thank you.
Wow!! You are amazing! You put this theme so scientifically and direct, that I wish I know your Chanel soon :)
I love Dr. Grandes videos. An explanation in detail makes it understandable and makes you develop your own thoughts and ideas and a break-out is possible. This is like free therapy!
Totally agree. I've been binge watching his videos now for six months! His Insight is so tremendous and you're right it is as if we all get free therapy! His videos in 2020 and during Covid-19 are incredible! Did you know he posts one everyday? it's getting us through the plague. Thank you Doctor Grand!?
@@kkheflin3 Woow! This guy should have a medal. I love him too. He's a great teacher and explains it in easy ways, he's full of knowledge and spikes it up a bit with humour, its perfect!
Such an informative and helpful video. I wish everyone could watch it.
Thank you, Dr. Grande.❤
Dry insightful! Thank you 🙏. It’s about having the ‘wrong’ emotions, caused by mis interpretation or association based on personal experience or trauma.. Comparable to physical pain, such as head ache actually caused by digestion problems. Emotions are just mental sensation.
Thank you Dr. Grande...this is life saving advice
Thank you for this Dr. Grande. It’s horrible that there are people out there like this. They can even make themselves fake cry. It never occurred to me that someone would do that. And thinking back now, I remember him trying to accuse me of fake crying to manipulate him. I was appalled and further hurt by the accusation. But right now I just realized that he said that because that’s what he does. It is all just so crazy.
Thank you again for these excellent education videos. The information has created resilience for me in the past year. Keep up the good work.
No reaction is the best strategy. Thank you.
Dr.Grande I needed to watch the above video more than once. Thanks.
A fantastic channel. I’m a fairly well known researcher specialising in sleep, physical activity and wearable technology, and we’re currently doing some work in stress, anxiety and depression. The spectrum we all seem to sit on from anxiety at one extreme, to Psychopathy at the other, is very interesting.
Excellent channel Dr Grande.
Thank you so much :)
Great video Dr Grande ❤very helpful
I wish more psychiatrists & psychologists would explain these issues to their patients the way you do. It is really helpful information. Everyone has these qualities to some degree. Even if a person's narcissistic tendencies are not too prevalent, it's helpful to hear your non-judgemental analysis of how this behavior is manifested. Most people can compare some aspect of their own behavior to the behavior you describe. Personally, I find this super helpful to hear and you bring up some information that makes me think where my behavior us not the most helpful, ' I could do this instead and it would be better for everyone.' It can be hard to change entrenched behaviors, especially when they are rooted in emotions, but awareness and understanding of the behavior is a big first step in that direction. I feel the information you present is so functional for anyone who wants to improve their interaction in social situations. I think people who are seeking counseling because they are having social difficulties due to these behaviors can benefit from hearing this information the way you present it. It may take time to accept it and begin to change, but at least you are helping to define the problem. That is an important start.
Thank you this is spot on!
You're welcome!
Avoid rewarding them for harassing you. Agreed. The 'smile and nod' thing is handy. Or just run for your life.
Hi Dr Grande, great videos as always. When I’m teaching feelings and emotions many people tend to confuse the two and often think they are one and the same thing. I think I would be clearer if the explanation given focused on the fact that feelings are a collection of physical bodily sensations and impulses and that it is different combinations of these sensations that give rise to the differing emotions/moods one experiences. Once people have learnt to interpret and are able to recognise these sensations within themselves they are then better disposed to know what their normal is and to recognise deviations and thus attribute them to the mood state they are experiencing.
Many thanks
You are so greate at explaining.
This one changed my life, Thank you
Fascinating video Dr. Grande. Maybe you like to talk some more about the influence of Skinner's behaviourism on today's understanding of psychology (and mental health problems).
Very informative! Thanks. I was once involved in an argument where the other party began crying. It felt manipulative and false so I wasn't buying it. Finally I just blurted out, "You're not really crying!" The other person stopped on a dime, eyes darted around, then switched immediately to an angry tone. Whatever works!
Great video, Dr. Thanks for sharing
Can you do a video on vulnerable narcissism and manipulation?
you can ask me anything, i got vulnerable NPD.
Lukas Böck thank you for the response. you were diagnosed? Did they ever consider BPD as a diagnosis as well?
@@katieb.9556 was recently diagnosed. yeah, very shocking for me. No, i don't have core features of BDP. I also don't even have half of the classic narcissistic traits. I guess, real life is much more gray than the discussion of these matters. And yeah, my last gf said i could be manipulative, but only to help others.
Lukas Böck can you describe what traits you have that lead to your diagnosis? How did your therapist come to that conclusion? And how do you feel about it?
@@katieb.9556 How do i feel about it? Well, I know this wrecked my life. Extreme vulnerabilty opens you up for PTSD and other unhelpful conditions. Traits? A bit of grandiosity, wishes for omnipotence, exagerated self reliance, blocked grief, Inability to feel anger, an idealised ex partner that i can't get over, cynicism. I don't have the need for admiration, am not deameaning, no sense of entitlement, no exploitation of others, never cheated. Basically i have a False Self/Super Ego that doesn't allow for anger or less than immaculate moral behaviour. In my early 20ies an idealized love treated me really badly in the brake up, was totally defenseless, can't open up my heart since then while all i want is love. Yeah, it's absolute hell.
Learning so much from you about how to be the person that I want to be. Your Teachings are so helping me to overcome fear and be the person that I want to be. And really be that not just pretend but be worthy of right thinking and acting no matter how others try to pull us down.
Excellent video! Thank you!
Very helpful information.
"No reaction is the best strategy."You are right that having the opposite reaction to what they want rewards them because they know they can still manipulate you. They want to be able to control you, which any reaction encourages. Grey rock it. I carry a pebble in my pocket and still can forget.
you are amazing this is all empirical the most unsettling thing about "immature" abusers is the rage they feel when they have deceived themselves and you never have a reaction they break or have already broken laws in concert to to you at this point because you dont end up with a "ruined life etc" some in the criminal spectrum get emboldened and usually are emperors new clothes so its not just you that knows or can prove or see that you are dealing with someone universally criminally toxic
Thank you so much for this! It makes much more sense now...
I was so naive when I got involved with a narcissist person. Now I have nightmares and emotionally wonded for life. Thank God I am alive. Your digital info is helpful. Thank you.
Super interesting. In my study of this I've heard many times "to a narcissist, feelings are facts." This video suggests to me -- reasonably -- that this is often true for even emotionally "healthy" persons if care isn't taken to sort out the emotion AND the feeling to ensure our perceptions and assessments are logical and reasonable.
"Feelings are facts".
Sometimes I can't tell the difference, sometimes it's clear as day. Could be the Dunning-Kruger thing, but I don't know. Feelings certainly can't be ignored, especially when their impact gradually overtakes rationality. Hell, I don't even kniw right and wrong any more.
@paul mcmanus I agree. I've always felt emotions are facts and real and I'm not a narcissist
I’d love your input on strategies for extricating oneself from narcissistic relationships and ways to protect against getting involved in toxic relationships again
I really admire your intelligence, articulation, knowledge and expression of all these qualities in a way where non professionals like myself can relate to ◕‿◕👍 I am literally your student taking notes in class. Thank you so much
Great information and so interesting, thank you :)
You're welcome!
I love you Dr. Grande!
I completely agree ❤. Thank you Doctor
This video assumes that people know how to identify their emotions and can thoughtfully analyze them and keep them in check with regularity as a normal way of functioning. These skills are actually an another video.