Shame and Complex Trauma - Part 2/7 - Unhealthy Solutions - Repeat
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- Опубліковано 21 лис 2024
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This should be taught as part of the school curriculum. Thank you for sharing.
4 years ago, a mental health crisis kicked my ass into reality. Since then I've stopped alcohol, cigarettes, Sugar & unhealthy foods. My body was so broken. I am still finding my way back. I do isolate more now but I find it good for my mental health atm, that might change as I continue to heal. For now Im good.
Same here. For me now that my mental issues have created physical issues, I just don't have the energy to socialize.
My loving adopted parents adopted a mentally and emotionally special needs child back in the 60s. I’ve been pondering on this shame issue for a while now. It’s an icky subject to deal with. But absolutely essential to get to the root of many personal issues we carry from our parents generation. All I can conclude from my experience with this is that people who do this really need to be educated about taking on such a huge responsibility. It did not turn as well as they’d hoped for any of us. Mostly me. What happens with mentally ill people is that they are shamed for it. That somebody didn’t do something right to fix the problem they have. Mentally ill people have serious needs for a lifetime. And the truth is that no matter what anyone says or thinks, the stigma is real. It’s followed me my whole life as having something wrong with me too. I went to college, I raised children, and still it is always there. To me, the real problem I had was that my parent a did not tell me how other people would judge me because of him. That is all that ever happened. Because of him, there must be something wrong with me. I’m crazy for wanting something.. And today, I would sue my family for putting me into that risky situation. But they’re gone. I’m doing a lot of research on lawsuits of wrongful adoptions. From parents, from siblings, because the threat to anyone’s mental health is very real and very serious. It’s traumatic to live in an environment with a severely traumatized child. It was abnormal for sane people to turn their heads to it. Today, I’m looking into contacting an editor on the dangers of this practice. Of placing mentally healthy children into homes with mentally challenged children. It was not fair to my civil rights for them to do that. I guess, the best I can do with this horrible decision of my parents is to inform people who are considering adoption to seriously consider that it is never about the pride of the parent. It’s only about what’s in the best of every child concerned. It’s child abuse to have to live in that nightmare, only God got me through it and it’s a miracle I held onto my mental health. I take care of him now and it’s really disturbing how his mother ever tolerated his psychotic reality. I have him living independently. Successfully. Because I know what I’m doing. Protecting my mental state from his. Because you just never know what another person thinking or what really happened to them as an infant. I’ve learned a lot from this. Shame isn’t the issue for me anymore. I just try to look it as sad for my parents they got Pinocchio.
This is so so so accurate! I will be the HERO! that’s been my life growing up with narcissist sadistic mother who was herself abused by her husband both criminals and drug addicts. I took the savior role trying to save her while deeply abused and deflected! I the was adopted as I was so terrified I asked for adoption.. the adoptive family did not aknowledge my trauma nor emotions I had to pretend to be a good girl to not be kicked out plus being extremely pleasing and brilliant in school..
I buried my soul to survive. I burried the abuse and loosing my family.. I burried my whole dignity so I could make it.
Thankyou so so so much for this valuable and revealing information. Deep down one knows! I knew I was an impostor I just did never connect that with shame ! Thankyou so so much !
Also completely isolated and emotional walls! When people is to close I just put this distance , openly but subtlety… that just perpetuates isolation and shame.. it’s a loop..
I want to thank you for being inclusive for non-religious people. I'm an atheist, but these videos have helped me immensely
Same! I have religious trauma and want nothing to do with it. Religion is partly why I have complex trauma.
@@kellysreads6457me too, that's why I'm here.
I should prefer you did NOT use that word inclusive, as it has become corrupted and defiled.
@@kellysreads6457 Religion and God are 2 different things. Find God, let your guard down, you were done wrong.
Personal relationship with Jesus over any religion. Jesus hated the religious people who acted better than everyone and He welcomed the humble who were broken and needed healing and healed them. ❤ much love in our healing journeys. Also grew up a Jew and got saved at 22. So no indoctrination of Jesus. Had a legit supernatural experience. Had to call out to Him and He answered. Try it sometime and see what happens. You will be surprised. Shalom
I have known this and been sensitive to it my whole life, albeit in a chaotic and confused manner. Listening to tim tells me i am slowly finding home. God bless all of you who had to look for this :-)
Jujoov😅bju😅viojjjobivhgiciijhou
Ditto
Same here buddy
Me too
❤
I'm at a point because of my shame,,,its turned to a awareness of I don't want people in my life because I don't trust. I'm soul tired
I know I'm filled with overwhelming shame because for each positive statement he makes, in my mind it's "Yeah, but....." God ty for guiding me to this channel.
All of your videos give me a deep visceral response. Thank you so much, you are changing lives for the better, and saving lives as well.
Wow this man really knows what he is talking about!!
Chameleon, people pleaser and invisible. Taught that the boys in family had much more value. All lies, false beliefs. Thank God for Tim's Finding Freedom. Blessings to you & your family. Step by step healing & praising God ,he hasn't given up on me.
I'll I'll ll llll
That’s what I said 2x this week/ God hasn’t given up on
Me
The weird thing is that I'm so used to living in shame that the discomfort is comfortable. It's familiar. Not feeling that is unimaginable. I can't imagine ever saying "I like myself" and meaning it. That makes me want to scoff at myself.
I think it's important to know that this sickness really can eventually manifest itself in not just mental but real physical ailments. The last thing survivors need is more shame for having real physical issues too. Not playing victim. REAL.
Absolutely. This is happening to me. Real physical ailments from being a perfectionist, people pleaser. I'm completely burnt out.
Oh, yes, I was once a strong, healthy, vigorous man. Now, merely a shell of the man I once was. Shame is the culprit.
@@shadowfax9177 It's brutal. I'm sorry you're going through it too.
This is seriously an eye opener 😳 l! I've been soul searching trying to help my monkey mind. Unfortunately to no avail. I have studied many many many different avenues. To my dismay back to monkey mind! Now you have truly given me something tangible to work with. Finally! You are my role model. Iam a 60 year old veteran with a traumatic brain injury and also diagnosed with CPTSD. The mental health system in the 🇺🇸 IS A BROKEN TRAVISTY! I'm so weak and tired. My psychiatrist told me last week to add vitamin D to my list of medications, a 3 minute conversation every 3 MONTHS! I'm truly about to topple over. Although I feel hopeless you have added a sliver of hope for my tattered soul and for that Sir I thank 🙏 you!
peace be with you
My prayers for your healing. I think we are in the right track. Thanks God for Tim. 68 year old who never gave up and here I am. Seeing things clearer with Tim’s material. ✝️🇺🇸✝️🇺🇸✝️🇺🇸
Sorry about how cruel the government is to the nation's veterans. I am ignorant, but have you tried meditation? Sorry if it's a foolish thing to say. You deserve the best medical and psychiatric care
Monkey mind is evil and unfortunately my constant companion and due to fear of abandonment, everyone in my family has abandoned me. Strangely and even though not my fav, I’ve recently discovered that working on a puzzle 🧩, actually shuts that beast up. 👊🏼
I just feel so messed up and I am kinda old! Feel like can I really heal from all this!!!! I’m gonna keep watching.
As an avoidant I can say that it is possibly the perfect response mechanism. You just have to be okay being with yourself.
You explain it so deep. Shame is the reason for having BPD. I know that many people doing treatment for BPD are saying that there is genetic predispositon or something in biology, but it is a feeling of deep shame and disgust and anger to youreself. It is a deep fear from being abondent and pain and grief that comes up feeling so lonley. And it hurts much. It drives so much of bad behaviours that noone who doesnt have that personality cant imagine. Amd anything that you do isnt good enough. Compensation after compensation. If someone asks about my familly, I was introvert scred child brought up by narcisoid mother, BPD father, older sibling with agressive type of BPD. So much insecurity, never secure, never liberation of the pain. Thank you for understanding all of us.
I am the scapegoat. It seem like the worst possible situation until you realize your actually the first one to realize how messed up your family actually is. The rest of them are still holding on to the lifeboat thinking they’ve got it good when really they’re sicker than you are. Quit waiting for them to throw you a life pre-sever and find healthy people to hang around with, so you can create a riverboat to steam right by them on.
21:48 wow! The connection between missing relationship connection and the need for opiods, wow!
Oxytocin and dopamine.
Yep. Addiction has been by far the worst part of CPTSD. My whole mind and body are broken.
amazing talk dear Tim!!!!!! resonates 100% to me
thank you
This lecture is so impactful to me personally and timely i can’t articulate how spot on this is about my struggle with shame. Phenomenal. Thank you
i really appreciate the (for those interested) on the christian part. a lot of other speakers wouldn’t make that distinction and sprinkle it in throughout the talk as if it’s a give in that that’ll be useful, so it’s really thoughtful that it’s sectioned off like it is
The fake relationships!!😮 so sad but true in dynamics. No true connecions
Man, I love your Bible stories, Pastor Tim. I’ve never heard anyone tell them like u!!! Thank u for bringing them to life. You r always able to help us in taking them a step further in applying them to our everyday lives. God bless u! ❤
this is so painfully true
I keep being shamed as an adult. I work hard at being authentic, putting myself out there, vulnerable, yet continue to be shamed. 😢💔
Yeah...you know what..? As someone who couldn't lie,at one point it was brought to my awareness by a narc that "everyone lies..you are at least lying to yourself"
After that I made an extra effort to introspect b4 talking to express exactly what I feel.
It didn't go well.Not only my authenticity was used against me but I couldn't not notice that many ppl simply prefer lies and its the only way to deflate the discontent of narcissists.they d rather have you lie and pretend, coz they simply don't like the truth you are offering.sad but true
im 52 and thankfull iv found this out just now what a screwd up life iv had
I understand and I am in the same realization. Not sure how to correct things. It's a living hell
I identified heavily with work what few relationships I've been in in my life have been devastating so I've avoided relationships most of my life not fully understanding what was going on and it was the smart thing for me to do based on what I know now without deep psychological counseling and a willingness to walk through shameful issues no relationship would've worked. Now I see today all the available books and programs such as this as a guide through the labyrinth of toxic shame and other issues were not available just a few years ago but today there are many resources available.
Also trauma litterature only really made its mark around 2010. Today you have all manner of forums on shame, dysfunctional family systems and the like. Thank goodness.
@@Feline-philosopher Another awareness brought to my insight. Emotional intelligence without emotional intelligence. There cannot be a real relationship. Only one based on performance. What can I give to be accepted.
@@danmalone5365 yes
@@Feline-philosopherthank god
Thank you Thank you Thank you
I am grateful for this
oh my goodness. You just described my whole life and then described the whole life cycle of my abusive relationship. My goodness. Thank you so much.
Not sure id agree that sports provide a "fake" connection so much as it's limited in it's scope.
Excellent series and an eye-opener for me. Thank you for this!
Thank you Holy Spirit for telling me and showing me I need to interact with people and the reward and healing for doing so!
Why didn't the holy spirit help you when the trauma was happening?
By His strips we are healed...we could read it as follows: He and the Father love us so much that where willing to suffer so we can be healed. By what? Love. Love is the only thing that heals all traumas and wounds. The Truth shall set us FREE😅!. ❤
wow m stunned ,,,,,so enlightening,,thankyou so much❣
This is a wise man. I swear he is my soul speaking its truth. I finally understand myself. 😔🙏💙
Do absolutely right on. We were the couple he speaks of. My ex self medicated for yrs.
I’m not sure his new supply gym, porn steroid use.
I work daily to learn about my roll in our end. I surrendered & am feeling
better & healing. Therapy & these videos help.
I was so isolated I did not even realize it.
Last night s long term friend said to me “ I’ve never seen you look so radiant “
That says it all.
Life was toxic. After 24 yrs the betrayal was wrenching.
His pain was not mine to carry
Similar situation for me. Similar number of years. Here's to you (and me... I just found this info in the last 6 months) healing. God bless.
@@blackimpala6748thank you & wishing you the best also. Life can only improve, we have been liberated.
I have diagnosed complex ptsd .I feel good to leasing to you .❤
This is so touching 🥰 thank you for sharing this ❤
Tim Fletcher You are so spot on. I did not want to be a burden. I used to cry when I heard my mother going to work. I thought it was all my fault that hey had to work.
But he said the child does it to become accepted and liked ..aka ulterior egotistic motive.You were genuinelly sad
Yes I agree with the social connection. Social media has ruined our children. I remember going out as a child and riding my bike and roller skating and playing with my friends. Now it's all about tablets , video games , so unhealthy! I miss the 80s way of life. Kids dont even play outside anymore. This was another great talk. Thank you!
Yeah, rock and roll ruined our children! I remember going out as a child and playing stick and ball, and Jack's, and dressing in my one piece bathing suit now it's all about surf rock and elvis presley and kids spending all their time in front of the radio! So unhealthy! I miss the 20s way of life , kid's don't even hold a factory job when they're 10 anymore!
"when i was a kid the world was perfect cause I was a kid without responsibility, now I'm an adult and life sucks, so it must be the children who suck now"
@@kevinbissinger that was my grandparents lol if it wasn't Sinatra or bing Crosby don't play it
My husband hides the devices and let's the kids run around barefoot you can live like that once you let go of conformity
I'm not catholic but these series are heart-touching and they are helping me immensely. Thank you so much
Thank you so much for this incredible truth and information!! It is helping me beyond belief!!
I left my mother's house yesterday with a pile of shame. I couldn't wait to get out of there. She can't see how she affects others. I've been working on this so long.
She will not admit her part.
I think abandoning her is bad.
But she is so negative and in denial. Im very wounded from her. But I want her to get well.
I feel same so damaged my mother at end of her life and I can barely breathe From dá fright terror of all lies she told me thru abusing me my life got destroyed down to choosing another abuser after her and loosing my family due to father brainwashing my kids against me I. N so much shock realising what her abuse did to me when I see happy famines
I have the same struggle with my dad. I have had minimal contact for years, but have made the painful choice to abandon the so called relationship entirely. To add to it, my parents are still married and i have a good relationship with my mother, makes it tough. And i have to about bite my tongue off to not tell her to get away from him and finish out her days with a little peace
Dont wait.
All the information you share its mindblowing . I relate so much and help me to understand and heal ... Thanks Tim, God bless you
Your teachings are so relevant for most all people. I really like that you create "real"senarios or u could call them parables? I order for today's society to relate. You seem to put scripture in a form that is less confusing so that people today can see themselves in your message..this helps people! Thank you for sharing this work you have done to get to this message had to require an incredible amount of thi king or research. U r greatly appreciated❤
He’s wonderful. Love the teachings of Jesus. Canadians are the best.
You have a way of explaining shame that resonates deeply. Thank you. Especially for the Bible stories. I’ve felt that way toward God my whole life - why should he love me?
The healthy question rather should be - Why should you love him for giving you such life and not doing a single thing to make your life any better? Your feelings and conditions in your life are not your faults, you haven't designed yourself? Why not ask someone who is omnipotent and didn't do anything for you so you can feel valuable for yourself ad love yourself?
Thank you so much, it is very enlightened. You really are Spot on. It really is a wonderful Addition to pete walker book.
That whole section around 31 - 34 minutes was the last ten years of my life. I was a superior person paired up with an inferior person. It was a decade of fighting and tearing apart, then getting back together. It's crazy how well you described the process.
Superior person has pathological narcissism as mechanism to deal with shame.
I was raised with a lot of shame by parents who themselves had a lot of shame and complexes.
Thank you Pastor Tim!
Thank you for giving a heads up on the religious part. I really appreciate it 🙏
It all sounds complicated 😮😮
Thank you for sharing❤
3:30 how do I get love and respect without people getting to know me, how to remain hidden?
4:31 this is what brain comes up with
13:00 wired for connection from birth, shame is result of not being able to connect
15:30 pseudo connection
18:37 dr Rachel: how loneliness fuels opioid addiction
24:00 retraining brain, not enough to just give tools to cope, have to rebuild social reward system with reciprocal relationships to replace the drugs
26:00 fear, walking through it
28:00 don’t breakup until another lined up
29:30 need to rescue people so they can tell you you are great and that supposedly heals your shame
33:00 shame must be dealt with for healthy connection
36:05 shame effects everything
Just the first 12 min of this video I have deeply cried cause I related to all of these points already
People who cry look strong to me because they might be morning for someone they loved who died. I was shamed for every emotion that I had. But I do have respect for others. I have noticed that some people are scared of me which makes me sad.
Your videos have been a huge part in helping me understand and process my own complex trauma. I'm slowly inching towards sobriety. For the first time since I was 10yo I've realized I have the option to be sober and not give in to drugs for the rest of my life.
Is there a way to get transcripts for any of your videos?
i am stuck in the "rage" phase.... so irritable that i sometimes dont know what to do with it.
i keep attracting a collection of psychopaths that try to "repeat the cycle", the good thing is that now i see them much sooner and act against it, at a huge toll to me i must say.
-never vulnerable (be someone they "forcefully must" respect) my preferred technique in given times although i am aware is no good
always being a scapegoat child one learns to be the "best" and not "disturb" anyone with your "silly requirements". however when that brings the opposite results the adult child learns to be "distinctive" for all the bad reasons....
having entered a tiny inland community in a foreign land and having been taken advantage of and scammed and later blamed for defending myself my nerves and defense mechanisms are all to the roof
the stupid mobility dificulties due to a non existent virus puts my brain on over drive...
my message to the world: I AM NOT GIVING UP and I RATHER DIE ON MY FEET THAN LIVE ON MY KNEES by the grace of God, Amen.
-
Thank you... Tim, I just remembered how I keep noticing my imperfections, I hope to stop that soon now, as I know I do my best, at,69 I want to feel better and happier in myself x
Wow this blew my mind
Thank you for this video and all the other ones you have done. I’ve been in CODA but we don’t really explore the effects of shame on people in recovery. My maternal family of origin used shame a lot to discipline us and the church I grew up in made it worse.
This one is very powerful
Thank you Tim,
Thank you for showing us healing is posible❤ God bless u
Thank you.
Only child and I’m coming to realize that means that I was all of the above 😅 no wonder I lost myself along the way
They don’t even need to use actually shaming to create shame in a family that causes this. The family dynamics themselves create a feeling of shame from trying to navigate how messed up everything is.
Caption says “Shane” every time he says shame 😂
Powerful!
How are we supposed to create social connections if everyone you meet is either shallow or doesn't vibe with you. I've given up on trying to find a deep connection. It gets lonely sometimes but I'm fine 95% of the time.
👆
👆
Because your expectations are unreasonable. Try to stop thinking you're better than everyone and recognize your own weaknesses and your own shallowness. Who is the most likely to be the shallow one when you say everyone else is shallow?
What if I don't know who I am without the masks? I've been hiding behind them since I was 13 and I don't know what is authentic about me anymore
It's not about being found out in relationships,,,its more of , do I trust myself in this that I won't be used for their benefit,,,,
The point is that you should not fight for that, proving yourself out of shame. Since the inner belief for the shame on yourself is false, it is the negative and evil energy you sucked in when you were vulnerable as the part of the environment where you were in. So, Don't fight with that. If you try to prove yourself again the shame on you, which means that you accept that shame is true.
So try to keep the distance from the shame after recognizing that feeling with the honesty, the pain from the same in a honest way as well. And figure out that shame has not been from yourself, it is just the part of environment in your childhood, that shame might reflect on your parents, or the adults in your child, sometimes it could be the generation of your society itself.
Keep the distance, first.
And make yourself believe that IT IS NOT TRULY FROM you,
to be honest, you, genuine you have never dedicated anything for THAT SHAME, that negative illusion is basically from your environment, not from your inner side. you have chosen to accept that feeling with your consciousness, you have never recognized what it really was, what you did
was just TRYING TO adapt to that SHAMEFUL environment with all your effort.
So, the first thing you need is quite simple
" The distance " from that feeling, shame, not as yours ANYMORE.
And start to heal your wounded inner child who HAVE BEEN BEATEN by that shame in its WHOLE LIFE.
Never react to that feeling, IT IS NOT YOURS !!!!
It is just a reflection from your environment where you. have never chosen yourself.
where you could not deny when you were vulnerable.
And, there is no need ANYMORE.
That is the power and the meaning of being in the present as well.
The only thing wrong with this video is it doesn't have enough views.
Around 22:00 I heard that the Stray Adam is running our autopilot. It even makes sense, theologically. Yeah. Took me a couple seconds to figure out you meant the striatum, of course. And I'm not a native speaker. But that misconception was a good one. It's gonna stay with me from now.
Yikes, I didn’t think anyone used the word “cripple” anymore. 😬
I see all of these roles in myself
The opioid system can also be overactive by person's own opioids due to abandonments. I am taking medication that blocks opioids = antiopioid and it helps.
HOW do you get deep social connections? As soon as you go get them they turn their backs on you and stab you so it’s dangerous
So after all addiction isnt due to shame but lack of connection.i always knew its due to the pain of lack of love
Thank you.
In school at sociology i remember,it said all ppl wear a different mask according to who they talk to.i always thought thats bs and pretending and the normal is the exact opposite to always b the same to everyone
Crap, I’m all of this now chaos I can not control my emotions any longer
I do ALL of those things.
same brother you are not alone
So how do U connect with all of what he talks about...Yes he spills the beana on how much Child Adversary messes someone up...Whats the solution? All this makes me more depressed.
Why is there a truck in the background???
Maybe is that triangle , In the name of father, son and holi spirith!
💖💖💖
non of this makes no sense to me whatsoever , been recommended to watch this , I am falling sleep..
Hi! Part 2/7 and 3/7 from shame is exactly the same video. You post it 2 times the same video. Can you change the mistake?
The loneliest and most depressed
❤
Is that the jars of clay truck?
I don't see that superior person (narcissist) seeks to save someone and sacrifices his needs in the begining. What I see and experts say, in honeymoon phase, narcissists manipulate person by showering other person with attention and gifts. That is not sacrifice but manipulation.
If this isn’t my struggle. I never feel good enough or worthy
I want you to know something, Iam passing your name across all VA websites, I'm going to tell my friends and family your name, Iam going to tell my doctor your name, I'm going to tell my "mental health advocate " at the VA your NAME! THIS IS MY A HA MOMENT!
Disorganized attachment disorder fear without solution. Some stress is necessary for all living systems. Perception of dangers sets off an automatic response system as the fight or flight response that activated through hormonal signals. Stressful events whether an external phenomenon like a sudden appearance of a snake in a path or an internal response such as fear of losing one's job when the boss yells triggers a cascade of hormones including adrenaline and cortisol that surges through the entire body prolonged or repeated stress response a characteristic of modern life can have harmful physical and psychological consequences including heart disease diabetes anxiety and depression. The primary goal of attachment is to ensure survival of the helpless infant, but it does much more than that. It literally establishes neural pathways that organize later behavior in many of the domains. And it provides the foundation for self-regulation neuroscientists believe that attachment is such a primary primal need that there are networks of neurons in the brain dedicated to setting it in motion in the first place and a hormone oxytocin to foster process. What is my attachment style disorganized to say the least while many adults feel secure in their relationships, others tend to experience marked anxiety
I ll disagree abt the hero child and abt ppl pleasing Its not always a matter of personal gain .the motive isnt egotistic always like in this presentation .1 someone becomes a hero to take the pain from others bcoz he doesnt want to see ppl he loves sad and unhappy.the child may think he can do what his loved ones cant coz hr sees weaknesses or even that he d rather suffet than a loved one suffer even if he cant the load
2 that means you DO NOT feel SHAME bcoz you are not wearing a mask
S
The thing is that not all relatives are bad ,The narc family members abuse OTHERS BESIDES the child.ALSO often one parent is an overt narc another a covert which plays the victim
BUT the child doesn't know it ,The covert narc parent complains abt unhapyness and unjustice and the child makes it his job to protect that parent bcoz unknowing to him thats whats expected.thats what makes the child a hero .
The ppl pleasing is somewhat due to a submissive caracter.the child has received goodness and felt sadness.for the sake of the first he doesnt want to make others sad and ALSO hasnt learned to say no
First time the Word speaks of shame is in the Garden of Eden. I guess that they felt shame because they thought that God did not love them anymore because of what they had done. It was their first false belief and it has been going ever since then. The fact/truth is different. God never stopped loving them. They did not know at the time that The Father and the Son had already agreed that Jesus would give his life for them and us. ❤ He would be the ultimate sacrifice for us to continue living...in heaven not in hell.😊