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Shame and Complex Trauma - Part 3/6
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- Опубліковано 24 жов 2019
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How shame affects relationships and things people do to try to get rid of their shame.
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This is a great man. A true servant of Jesus for these degenerate times. I am a Buddhist but hugely appreciate this incredible work.
if you're a buddhist then you shouldn't have called anything a degenerate time, that type of judgement is antithetical to your whole religion.
@@kevinbissinger That's not true. Buddhists can believe that humanity needs spiritual awakening just as much as anyone else.
Why does he have to be a servant of Jesus to qualify as a partner to mankind, if just one person could show love to people without having to justify it behind a veil of religions bullshit then they would have my FULL RESPECT
@@michaelvance1118 he doesn't HAVE to be a servant of Jesus...he just is. Please be careful of the narrative that may create a cognitive distortion and misinterpret what was said.
The OP, who identifies as Buddhist was merely respecting that this guy is a Christian, Christian means Christ follower.
NO ONE is saying anyone has to be any thing.
Degenerate times? shame based ridicule.
finding this channel on youtube like finding a treasure 🥰
🎉
Amen ❤
Mate, lol this is the best series of videos I have ever come across in my life! It has taken me 35 years of turmoil trouble heartbreak and strife to get to process to understand as much as I have on my own up to about the halfway point through this video I am so wrapped to have found this it’s honestly the greatest blessing and you are phenomenal Tim Thankyou so so much I am so grateful. Ah 🥲thanks for real. Blessings. 🙏💪😊
He’s gold ❤
This has been the most important series I’ve watched on UA-cam. God bless you.
Life changing
the #1 thing that impresses me about this is the brutal thoroughness!
I lost my job recently and wow the impact of self, diminishing into deep depression because of no identity 😢
guys wathcing this, do you also remember memories while listening to this that you completely forgot until this moment?
Yeah...
Amen!!🙏🙌wow this is me😢I'm a survivor of childhood abuse by my father who was a functioning drug addict and alcoholic NARCISSIST. He abused me for 20 + years sadly. I'm a cancer survivor coming out of a abusive marriage of 9 years. These series are really helping me to see why I feel like I have for 30 years. God bless you 🙏 ❤️
I desire so deeply to heal my shame.
I pray that Christ continues to lead you on your healing journey. I am in the same boat at 61. I KNOW where my shame comes from ( a mother whom I adored, yet who was just perpetuating what she learned) but its so HARD to put shame to bed. I think studying with Tim is being on the right path. He has helped me more than ANY counselor.
I didn't get diagnosed until I was 38 (this year). Then the diagnoses rushed in all at once - CPTSD, BPD, ADHD, GAD, MDD. But now, watching these videos, I'm beginning to see it all comes back to the big fat chicken of CPTSD that sprang the eggs of all the other disorders. This material is invaluable, and combined with my current DBT and medication, gives me a lot of hope. Thank you tremendously.
This shame series is the best I’ve ever listened to. Thank you so much for your work, it means more than you know!
May all in the comment section find a way to heal!
Pastor Tim, I have found your videos so remarkably accurate, true and it's a hard thing to swallow. I feel like past generations due to lack of this discovery passed on lots of shame to us. I feel like that reflects also in the world that is today. No moral values, consumerism at it's peak, less connection than ever before, explosion in mental illness and many more. I hope that you can come to every part of the world and make this available and known to everyone. Human race needs healing and it would be remarkable to see it happen. I believe we can do that. Please please make yourself known to other parts of the world because not many people know about your work. Thank you and God Bless
human is our species (not our race), but yes let this message of trauma impact and recovery be spread wide and far!
And then at 60 you're like holy smokes bc you've retired from a job that you chose to work 20 hour days ( I obviously got fuel from that bc I'm the prettiest and I work the hardest) and I took care of other people ( I'm a nurse) and now I have too much time on my hands and shit wants to explode out of me but I'm fighting hard to not let that happen. I'm sick all the time, I have fibro, chronic fatigue syndrome, some other "syndromes" arthritis, blah blah blah. I have depression, severe anxiety, I take all kinds of meds, I don't have the energy to exercise to get better, and I see my therapist once a week. My life is a mess but I'm trying. And I'm getting more help from this man than the therapist I've been seeing ❤
Huge hugs to you.
I had exactly the same experience that you describe with God: I tried to believe it intellectually that he loved me, but I could not feel it. I needed to feel the kind of unconditional acceptance from a human being. It was too abstract for me that "even if my mother would forsake me, God will love me", because I didn't have an idea what it felt to be loved. I projected the thing I knew as love to God, which was "I accept you IF you do what I expect from you". Plus most of the preachings at church were about "what we had to repent from, and in what way we had to change".
That is so true, preaching part
Tim Fletcher you are one of God's gifts to humanity and your series are invaluable to those of us with complex trauma.
I will say, (maybe a new finding) emotional neglect is abandonment (ambiguous but none the less abandonment)....like estrangement vs. an actual death, the impact to mental health on the individual who experiences emotional neglect in childhood is as severe, if not more so than abandonment. For me, the biggest surprise I have had is the realization that 'shame' and 'grief' are so HUGE in terms of what I carry around and cannot get past (and subconscious most of it), Thanks you again for your many series and this one in particular!
I LOVE this teacher and his therapy sessions ! I happen to be a Christian woman but I love seeing everyone (religious or not) being helped by this extraordinary servant of Christ. I have never heard the PUMA women thing but I often joke at 61 (when a woman can no longer be called a COUGAR the next step in the chain is to be a KRUEGER! lol. Thank you Tim for all the great work you do in HIS name. Amen
Thank you so much. This series has the potential of changing so many lives for the better
Wow. I've known this about myself for a long time but didn't have the words
This series is really all encompassing and so helpful and validating. 💜
Tim you are a God send.. Plz keep it up we are learning.. After 10 years i have realized that i am suffering from shame..
The first half of Tim's talks are amazing. He is a powerfully clear communicator and speaks the truth (again, for the first half only!). Thank you Tim, and thank you so much for compartmentalizing your messages. So many of us only want the first part.
These videos have me in tears every single time without fail
Woa! That ending was ‼️ God used 4 morally bankrupt women to bring forth the coming of The Christ.🤯 God will take the broken and use the skills, character and strength gained to overcome that brokenness to help the world. Changed forever by this talk🙏🏾❤
It did my soul and heart so much good to hear him say that you don't kill people with Alzheimer's, because they have value in spite of their disease. My Complex PTSD was triggered by my siblings' plot to do just that to our mother, who has Alzheimer's. I visited from out of state because there was so much that wasn't adding up over the phone from those two and I wanted to check to be sure my mother was okay. My mother had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance when I saw her and the battle for her life began in the hospital and later in a guardianship court in my state. The hospital fought alongside me on my mother's behalf and the court ruled in my favor. That was 5.5 years ago and my mother is still alive. But it was extremely traumatic for me to have to face how conscienceless my siblings really are, including discovering the history of financial abuse once I had access to her financial information. Of course my siblings accused me of wanting to do everything they had done against my mother and, being out of state, there was no chance for me to prove otherwise. They caused terrible family estrangement for me from my extended family members, to this day. Although, I also had to accept that if those family members wanted to know my side of the story, they would have contacted me, which they never did. So, I no longer feel the loss of their estrangement. I'm glad to be rid of them all. Needless to say: A LOT of family dysfunction.
God bless you for sharing this and for advocating for your dear mother. I paid a high price as well and relate to much of what you said. Lessons learned from love and from loss are highly valuable.
Ditto
I'm crying. This is too accurate. Idk what to do
me toooooo m crying.......m shocked
How are you doing now
This series causes me to want to run to Jesus, accept Him as Savior and curl up in His arms.
These videos are incredibly accurate. Thank you for these.
A gem of a video.
Such a blessing. So grateful. Hope everyone is well this weekend - ❤
I realize it's kind of randomly asking but does anyone know of a good place to stream newly released series online?
@Major Jason I watch on flixzone. Just google for it =)
Mr. Fletcher ❤ thank you for saying yes to Jesus.
AMEN!
I love this man. Saving lives. God bless you.
Life-changing teachings
I love this man ❤ thank you so much for your work.
Until you resolve your own complex trauma your future relationships will suffer.
I have been working myself for 5 years. Understanding my complex trauma from vulnerable narcissistic mother, co depending father, harshly bullied. Crazy ex girlfriends, a narcissistic ex wife. Bully bosses. The trouble I attract by the bad coping mechanisms of my own complex trauma.
Did not realise until this series how much a core problem of Shame has affected me. And used by others against me.
That's the thing. People use shame to control others.
Sounds exactly like me! Im on my 4th marriage and 2 years into it it’s falling apart … I’m pretty sure two of the four are narcissistic… but regardless it’s my mess and it feels hopeless
Amazing you've done the work! I'm curious if you have any tips to share? Going through a healing process myself and need all the tips I can possibly get 🙏🏼☀️
I love when you tell the stories.
The 1st part are always good & valuable but its really the stories that keeps me coming back.
This guy is amazing.
Thank you for sharing these videos with us, Pastor Tim! I always learn something new.
Very uplifting message in the Christian part of this talk. Thank you so much!
Yes it's a cuddlemuff message. He twists scripture to prop up his teachings, to make you FEEL better
When my mother said 'Jesus is watching you' when I was behaving 'badly ' I felt confused.Did He love me, was He spying on me,did He feel like her and not cope with me.What did she mean!
She intimidated
She was really good at manipulating your conscience and instilling fear. 😮
Wish you will be delivered from all the lies.😊
Lately I am growing tired of my coping mechanisms for the shame that I carry, and I can't maintain them as I did in the past yet I haven't healed my shameful parts and this makes for an interesting limbo, that at times I feel I'd rather sit with the painful parts of myself than exhaust even a drop of energy to distract, hide, etc.
This gives understanding how I "work" but also how everybody else does too and i get angry to myself alot and to other people too and the anger is basically frustration and it comes out from not just understanding.. thank you ! Great work !
You are a beautiful, powerful man. You know what else isn’t love? Torturing the innocent and defenceless for pure greed.
Not a fan of the Christian stuff, but the psych stuff is awesome! Thank you.
When you're not ashamed, thats when your accusers get angry! Be very careful with Shame. Shame can be weaponised. I'm really starting to see why it's important to breathe in a certain way to manipulate the temper.
As a man we're inundated with "men must provide" and success is attractive. I'm not too successful, so in society and dating, I'm worthless. Makes sense but it still really hurts knowing I'm not a "good catch" to a woman.
Many women aren't even worth catching these days. Give yourself time for success and be picky about the type of woman you're looking for.
The right women won’t care about status… I came from a wealthy family, married a college educated man and thought I had the ideal life … until I woke up from all my programming and left hell based religion and fear based thinking… started choosing me- I am divorced-family shunned me, and now I am in a relationship with my person, who is a blue collar worker and he’s my person, I never thought anything less of him and I am here bc of him, he triggered me in the beginning and that led me to find out about attachment styles… he’s avoidant and has deep shame and I have the joy and privilege of loving him the way he’s never been … so don’t fear your status, look for the character and looks… status won’t matter to a person, who knows unconditional love @varnishyourboard
Your work is so so appreciated.
I keep picturing this guy with a ponytail.
😂
Beta male
I was born with a learning difference auditory processing disorder dyslexia. I acquired ADHD and shame through abuse at home and in school and the fact that I was never going to be able to compete at the level of children without learning disabilities was a constant reminder that you are different and it was reinforced through bullying name-calling and disappointment at home and in school. There's another diagnosis on top of that CPTSD and this one is a fun one disorganized attachment disorder attachment behavior from early childhood guides brain development impacts the levels of cortisol released in response to stress and has important consequences for emotional and social development. Prolonged or repeated arousal of the stress response a characteristic of modern life can have harmful physical and psychological consequences including heart disease diabetes anxiety and depression. Ambivalence is a state of having simultaneous conflicting reactions beliefs or feelings towards some object. For me that means doubt hesitancy uncertainty hesitation indecision fluctuation quandary muddle Haze tentativeness unsureness. In psychology ambivalence is defined as a mental disharmony or disconnect or disconnect a person may feel when having both positive and negative feelings regarding the same individual. As long as everything is black-and-white I have no problem when you get into abstract thinking I'm blown out of the water. Because I don't know what to do I experience what American academic Mary Main called fear without solution and end up behaving in bizarre ways because the neural pathways that organize later behavior in many domains and it provides the foundation for self regulation. Neuroscientist believe that attachment is such a primal need that there are networks of neurons in the brain dedicated to setting it in motion in the first place and a hormone oxytocin to foster the process. That's why I stay out of relationships when there is a coexistence of opposing emotions and desires towards the other person that creates in uncertainty about being in the relationship.
My little girl was just diagnosed with dyslexia ( 2nd grade ). Shes already noticing shes different from her peers. It's so hard to see her go through this.
@@yourenough3 ua-cam.com/video/28hqxbdS7EQ/v-deo.html
LIFEISAJOURNEY LETITGO I also have this. I ended up a pregnant addict and high school drop out as no one understood me and they were dealing with their own trauma unsuccessfully. It took a lot of help but I was able to turn my life around finish college and go on to help others. Your child is blessed with having a mom who will have more tools and understanding to help her navigate the challenges that will come her way.
I have a lot of anxiety about this too. I'm in a Relationship where I have conflicted feelings and fear.
Thank you so much
Very bold and very wise . Grattitude to u
The first 15 seconds are very awesome. Thank you. I am much better now and really looking forward to learn more in other areas of trauma complex.
Thank you so very much!😊
That is amazing!
I am blessed - ❤
under the shame there is a deep deep anger.
How would you present respect to a narcissistic sadistic mother? I still feel sorry for her.. and I know she is human/ I understand something have happened to her to become a monster to her own child.
But , how do you feel respect for a sadistic person who beats and humiliates her own child and feels no remorse?
Thank you again for putting these talks on UA-cam. You really understand, and you speak wisdom.
Question: you say people with npd have more shame than others - that’s what makes them that way. Then you say about those who get mistreated by them, “the more shame you have the more you are mistreated.” I understand most of that, but where is the dividing line between having so much shame that you mistreat others and getting mistreated? I hope I explained this clearly, it’s just confusing.
Get ready for some abuse,it's a wake up call
"How long do you think you need to be punished (for failure in certain areas)?" My answer honestly is FOREVER. I don't feel like I EVER will deserve to be out of the "doghouse".
Tim, can't thank you enough ❤
Thanks. This has answered my question of how narcissists are made.
❤️🙏🏽 God bless you!
Thank you Tim
I'm a conflict-avoidant people-pleaser, and I'm incredibly thankful all the time to be a 6'3", well-muscled, deep-voiced, articulate white man.
So it's rare that I feel taken advantage of (at work I just suppress my compulsion to apologize before and after every communication). Now if I could just feel respected and understood and like I'm worthy of being in a relationship!
Sorry to take your time with this stupid, offensive comment
I was caught off guard from the mentioning of Winnipeg truly
Thankyou.
Thank you! You have incredible insight. Very helpful video. God bless you man :)
Wow! I’ve been looking for this information for a long time! Thank you!
Hi! Part 2/7 and 3/7 from shame is exactly the same video. You post it 2 times the same video. Can you change the mistake? Is important for people.
22:57 so true , #3 strategy for narcs
Im only half way though this powerful video and I feel like my butt is being kicked while my wounds are being healed simultaneously--if that is even possible.
Okay, i understand the science but how exactly do we heal shame? What can we do to practically heal from it?
LOVE THIS ❤️ TRUTH 👊
Brilliant! ❤
We hear our elders say that nothing bad happens to good little kids that go to Sunday School. I do not hear you speaking about the rapes that happen in Sunday school, and the shame this produces. Why did he pick me to rape? This is not prostitution, this is the act that may precede it. It is horribly shameful and we never believe the same things about the God who let it happen. Deep deep shame, we believe the lie that we did that, because 'consent' is not taught as it should be. I am listening for it, and not hearing it. Why did God do that to me? Takes years to understand we did not do that at all, it was done to us, by liars in the pulpit. I get rid of it by naming it, at great risk. Amen
I and so sorry you had that happen, and all the pain, bewilderment and shame.
Have you seen his other talks about why God doesn't interfere with some human behavior? That to have the free will to love God, humans have to be able to have the opposite choice available too. That if we only loved God, and then one another, we would essentially be robots...in a way, forced to love God. Because of this, there are many horrible consequences of living out of love to God (and others). Anything that is not of love, is often hurtful. Churches are far from perfect. Sometimes, there are incredibly loving people there...and sometimes there are evil that hide within the realms of the church, sometimes overlooked because too many people (parents) assume that others in the church are "safe".
I hope you can find the talks that explain it better.
I hope you can find healing and peace.
Thanks!
Thank you Tim. ❤❤🙏
The story at the end is a little concerning, it sounds similar to what we would actively call someone that behaves as a predator, targeting individuals that are fragile and broken for a serving necessity to that who holds power or a paradise like fantasy of an outcome. It's alarming once one really deciphers the context.
Hoping to get some suggestions on how to integrate shame into self and develop past
I found myself attracted to talking to people with depression. Now I am getting worse. I hope that they feel better. And I am sorry if I hurt someone unless they are truly toxic people who would drive me crazy.
A year on from this comment, how have you developed? 👐
22:50 narcist twist conflict to make you wrong out of deep shame hiding behind twisting reality
It's important to not give up on your self and support one another and it's important to check on your nabers and family and friends push trew the destruction in life know we have so many destruction s in the house and take phone away and laptop and TV and don't codele people because it just hinder s growth and learning to lead people on the streets and help them find jobs and school or college and it's important to report things when you are in danger and give to others in time of need and live life without fear and don't shame yourself get out side and don't sell drugs and then talk through your conflict resolution and don't have to please people All the time they're is more important salutations then fighting All the time and don't waste time and make shere you don't need to procrastinate and don't stay stuck in chains and be a good listener and don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again and never give up on your own responsibility in life and keep trying and don't manipulate your own life skills and marriage is important and man and women are life givers and if you don't agree with them don't give up on them onless they are abusive and over control and don't protect them because Life is not easy make shere your own life with one person and help people out on the Streets and feed them in their needs and love your life and don't give up on your friends and family people are given strength and a harit and remember to make shere custody in relationship its important
Wow, what he claims.people being able to fix shame ia more than half the population. The internet and tik tok makes everything worst.
Thank you for this.
Glad you keep the religion completely separate. Appreciated
Great vid thx a lot 🖤
25:19 😮My favorite technique
Great presentation - thank you so much.
The slide at 30.42 should include the level and depth of intoxication and different kinds of addictions, shouldn't it?
Or, is that just my shameful perfectionist overachiever that comes online 😂
A bit sad that the Christian message is cut off too early. But I'm glad for every minute left in place.
The four woman are Tamar, Rahab, Uriah’s wife, and Ruth.
While much of this information is deeply informative and healing and I thank Tim for sharing information that is all too often not spread widely enough to children, teens and people in general, I have to say that the sweeping generalizations made in these videos are also very harmful and I urge you to continue your beautiful work while educating yourself about some of the preconceived notions you’re sharing. Many people (not all women) that are sex workers actually have zero shame and have tapped into a shame-free line of work and enjoyment that has no negative attachment in themselves or others. This is coming from someone that does not do sex work. I shouldn’t have to say that because whether I do or don’t, the point stands, but if someone reading this is bigoted enough to think one might have more weight in their word by not doing it, I assure you I don’t and I’m a painfully honest person on the internet in my life. I wouldn’t mind sharing that profession if I did do it! But I don’t, and yet I recognize the issue with Tim’s proposal that all who do that type of work have internalized shame. That’s simply false and has been proven over and over again. Please do not generalize this about sex workers. The women flirting comment was blatantly misogynistic. You can say “People flirting” or “Those who wield a social and interpersonal power or upper hand”. Your connotation insinuates that women flirting is the problem, which it’s not. Whether you meant it that way or not, I’m letting you know that your use of language suggests that it is the problem when the actual issue resides in one’s glorification and malicious relishing of their aforementioned upper hand. It could be socially, romantically, politically, financially, familially, physically, intellectually, etc. Please use your words wisely and try to avoid these notions as they can reenforce the shame you are seeking to undo.
*on the internet and in my life.
@@aliengirlfromoutofthisworl114grammar police don't realize how stupid their comments make them appear. The reader immediately disagrees and sees a fool
@@CM7777... If one’s ego can’t allow one to recognize the weight of one’s words, then that’s very much a reflection of the ego, pride, and room for self-growth, and not the incorrect grammar. If all you took from my comment was that, then you do not understand the depth and weight of language itself, incorrect grammar or not.
i still dont know how to resolve my shame...i feel like he spends more time describing shame than he does describing how to resolve it.
Go to part 6, I was thinking the same thing.
Tim is a Masterful teacher. But I think these videos are numbered wrong. (You know, out of order.)
Umm for me I don't do or care for others to prove I'm better... Rather that I provide some value to some one...valued by some one.
What about all the individuals who GET manipulated by addicts? Also, why are parents always laid to blame? For those parents who have tried their best albeit imperfect, it is a heartache. Do you respond to these comments ??
He denies the demonic aspects that come into play
Just because you "did your best" as a parent doesn't mean you didn't still cause hurt, however unintentional. Also, CPTSD tends to be a family wide disease- it rarely exists in isolation. The families of addicts tend to both manipulate the addicts and be manipulated by them themselves.
Thanks. I was born Jewish and am Agnostic, so I skip the religious part.
Great video, part of the ending is cut off, just a heads up Tim
Why does this guy exactly know my life Story?
I got you’re so pretty until I went to school and got no you are the only person who picks their nose and so you have cooties who would want to date you. I got you’re so smart until your ADHD kicks in and you forget things and you can’t stay organized. I tend to not believe compliments now because I learned that there’s usually an until the complimenter will find to go with the compliment 😅 I’m so good at writing until I have to do an essay, I’m good at art until you find someone better, I’ve created an avoidance towards believing I’m actually good at anything
you have inherent value. Don't forget it :)
HALLELUYAH
Interesting you gave example of a person with Alzheimer and that we don't kill them because of their value ..
Using your own argument: I see people here take their sick pets to vets and they put them on medicine to go away ...
No value?! I think all creatures have value .. They shouldn't do it.
Which animal gets priority in health care? A frog or a dolphin?