When the NARCISSIST goes NO CONTACT vs. when YOU go NO CONTACT
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- Опубліковано 10 тра 2024
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When the narcissist goes no contact = he wants to punish you. When you go no contact = you just can't take it anymore.
When the narcissist goes no contact, it's a relief. When you go no contact, the narcissist will stalk you.
@@IanM-id8or so true but I still miss him for some reason, I will not break my boundary though to contact him
So true, but they still tell everyone they dropped you.
So true, and when you assert boundaries that benefit all parties involved. And keep the same boundaries. They call you difficult and twist it to your being vindictive and posing the boundaries only because youre angry. Its like 7 years of proof goes out the window. And because we may have been easy in the past where it worked and we bent. The second we see the game they play and keep the boundaries. We are now "crazy" and need mental help.
or "She"
The relationship with them only works if we're deaf, dumb and blind. Infact losing all 5 senses. There's already no contact while in contact.
Sushmayen the N hides in your blind spots - so that is a bit harsh. They may not be able to connect with us but we don’t have to be like them. I understand what you are saying ❤️🩹❣️
It is important to be in touch with your sensations in your body and your emotions. Our gut is our second brain.
Everyone is unconsciously influenced on a daily basis so you can’t micro manage everything. We are all human and you only have control over you - so remember to - Be kind to you too. ❤️
😂😂😂 I told him once saying that he'd rather me be a robot! he told me robots have an off button tho! 😂😂😂
Omg. Smh. They are the worse!! @NatzTalk
Good point well spoken. They do not see or hear you anyway. Make it easier on them to not see or hear you.
So true, i had to go get back on a serotonin/norepinephrine uptake because i numbed out too much. Pattern is- in 9 months the meds will make me sick once my chem factory re stabilises. And then weene off for 2 months. I wonder if theres another treatment for pnad. Like staying on for 2 week doses etc because this wont end at least severity until theyre 18.
When we go no-contact, it can take months/years to heal. When a narc goes no-contact, they just move straight on to their next victim/target.
This is so true
The first time after i think 5 years of the abuse back in 2019/2020 i went no contact.
He showed up to my work.
Got the kids from day care.
Drove by my house.
And called for mental health checks 3 times.
The courts and gal do nothing a d are complicit.
- its "normal"
Staying minimal contact and doing yellow rocking. Has less consequences i learned from that time frame. I asked since then for an application or mediator/ court appointed application. Where every thing is accessible on one app and court approved. Its now 2024 and because of pulling my daughter out of an abusive situation in school. It got put in "and turned on me" lol
But its okay im the bad guy at least its in the order now 🥴🧐🤨
Yep. He was moving on before we even broke up.
Simply put, you go no contact with them to escape from their control. 🏃♀💨 But they go no contact with you to keep control over you. 😨
Great answer!! how I saw it too when both people do it, And there are several different reasons why people do it in family situations or friend groups!
Sounds about right
@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 Your name is funny, I would have used that when my mom asked me why haven't you talked to your brother, I would have told her, he is in the air headed to another planet I don't belong here either.
Exactly their silent treatment is for control our is to escape and save ourselves
Bingo. Narcissists do not know how to love. It is all about control, dominance and power over. so when they go no contact it is for very different reasons than when we go no contact
When you expose them, they go no contact to escape the harsh truth you represent. They simply can't handle it; reality inflicts a narcissistic injury, sending them retreating back to their fantasy world. They avoid you at all costs because you embody the TRUTH-and for them, truth is like holy water to a vampire.
Excellent analogy!
❤
🎯 🎯🎯
So true make sense for the evil 😈 clown 🤡 narc I unfortunately WAS with
Ya, mine totally changed and blamed me for not just going along with this new self-centered persona, a person I no longer knew, no questions asked. I don't think I ever really knew him. A tragedy, 11 years lost.
My covert narc disappeared when I exposed him, his betrayal, and his double life. I guess it was because of the narcissistic injury I caused to his ego with this exposure. I no longer admired him or his perfect image, and he tried to avoid me (reality) at all costs because I was speaking the truth, ruining his fantasy about how moral and righteous he is.
He crawled back with crocodile tears two weeks later, begging for forgiveness, playing the victim, and all that theater. They are weak and rotten creatures... I am healing now 🙏🏻 Wish me luck!
This was mine exactly! I wrote him a letter that said everything! He flipped out and blocked me on everything
Wish you all the best 🙏🙏🙏 may you have peace 🪷🪷🪷
I feel rage for the both of us, because this was my exact story too with a covert one and I'm still paying the price mentally, physically, financially, socially and spiritually after trying my best to never fall into that trap again.
I wish you all the luck you need in this journey.
Omg…. Horrible, goodluck you are strong!
What I love about the healing process is that through healing, we get an opportunity to extract and appreciate all the good qualities we developed in ourselves to deal with the narc’s bullshit. It’s time to appreciate your light without some sad man baby, or woman baby in my case, blocking your glory 😂
My goodbye is a forever goodbye, theirs is a goodbye until they can use me again.
We offer growth and investment, they offer games and tricks, on themselves mostly. 😑
Omg well said!
OMG, you have nailed it. I tried to help me ex in so many ways, I encouraged him to go back to school, I was reading books on how to help his business grow and how we could invest money and what was he doing screwing groupies he met at the bar and face book.
🤫
When a non-narcissistic person goes no contact with a narcissist, the narcissist will try repeatedly to contact you. When they are unable to make contact, they will start contacting family members, friends, and your job... They will begin their smear campaign in hopes of ruining your relationship with them. When they see they can't get anywhere with the people they've tried to turn against you, then they will start trying to contact you again. Getting a narcissist out of your life is not an easy thing. It is never easy to know you are hurting anyone, but it is necessary sometimes.
Perceftly put, that is the vicious cycle, and it can leave the person who was trying to salvage their sanity (by going no contact with their abusers) feeling absolutely hopeless because that aspect of it will never end
this is true. I've been separated with my narc husband for more than four years and just last year he tried to get back with me but I just ignore him. when he didn't suceeded in getting my attention, he made himself a victim by getting ignored by me and contacting my relatives. like WTH, is his problem, lol. then recently he stopped contacting again which was a huge relief for me. when he gets bored again, he'll come back for sure but I'll just ignore him
See these kinds of stories make me wonder about my experience. My abuser has a TON of similarities to narcissism. He openly talks about how he views relationships as transactional, he gaslit me multiple times to my face, changing his story as soon as someone else was around, and openly told me he gets anxious and tells people what they want to hear. Told me he knew I didn't deserve any of it and he knew he was unethical, but he got what he wanted and didn't want to feel guilty and said the only thing he wants from our relationship was my money. But he didn't try to actively pursue me. He just got what he wanted and moved on. He does lie about me to others, but he mostly just uses people to get what he wants and then discards, rather than having a victim he latches on to
Facts
I went no contact with all the circus, monkeys and clowns. I don't miss any of it.
Out of control clown car ….
My mom after confronting her about her behavior, went no contact and when that didn’t work she then sent a text that Mother’s Day was cancelled. We will not respond. She is hoping that this will get us back under control. It will not work. I have more peace than ever.
Oh wow...good for YOU! I am in the same ball game right now with my narc sister and my narc daughter, stand firm!
Went no contact after 13 years of abuse …I finally moved out last week and he left my apartment a week later …now I am safe 😓it was devastating but necessary
Change the locks because he will be back.
Sometimes you have to trim most of the dead weight off of the tree, and it looks ugly for a while, until it sprouts again, healthier and stronger.
Never let anyone into your space again, having to leave your OWN apartment should be enough of a lesson.
I've been gone for like 50 some days I wanted to talk to her!! I'm 500 mi away❤ but every time I talk to her it ruined my day.. I'm going to be honest I just wanted her to know how beautiful and good my life was and what she could have had if she wanted to be "normal" I'm a provider and protector by nature (childhood lol) I forgive you I just want friendship 🖐️ she text me back hey I forgive you too😳😆 I LOST IT!! Let me first say it started off by when she would text me and think I would have time to talk to her something would always "come up" she would have to text or call me later it would drive me crazy and then I figure it out 😳 and I tell her all this BTW 😂 I ALWAYS SAY OKAY HERE IN REALITY... I said you're doing this on purpose!! You're not working (lying about all of a sudden working after 9 months)😂 I WOULD SAY YOU'RE SITTING WITH YOUR BROTHER IN THE SHED (THINGS I KNOW THAT SHE WOULD DO AT CERTAIN TIMES OF THE DAY) 😅 I KNEW SHE WAS DOING ON PURPOSE FINALLY FINELY I BLOCKED HER!
But since I'm coming back home with only a couple bags of clothes and the animals I've been doordashing so I can find a job! Sitting in the car waiting for orders makes you think!
I'm a waitress and I have a full-time job starting tomorrow so it's going to get easier for me!! I HOPE YALL STAY IN REALITY!! YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN GET AWAY YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER I PROMISE!!
SLEEPING IN MY CAR GETTING WATER OUTTA CREEKS FLOWING FROM THE MOUNTAIN❤ to finding a good little spot on this cuz I'm back home and I have one thing here
MY REPUTATION
MY DIGNITY
INTEGRITY
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE MOMAS!! YALL CAN DO IT❤
Unfortunately the journey is just beginning. Keep walking away. It will feel like your on a treadmill and never moving forward. Don’t look back, just keep walking, just keep walking….Eventually you will look up and realize the treadmill turns into a beautiful quiet country lane with flowers and birds singing. Keep looking ahead for the flowers.
Congrats! Now get prepared for the aftermath. Either the goal of getting you back on the roller-coaster or lashing out and bringing you down to depressed,deflated and defeated. They're a real-life nightmare!
The power of God or your higher power will help 🙏
One thing about ‘no contact’ that’s been hard for me is having friends support me when I go ‘no contact’ with an abusive ex, but not support me when I chose to go ‘no contact’ with abusive family. I’m very thankful for my therapist ❤️
Same. You can’t really talk to your friends much about it or you will look like the one that’s the narcissist. The crazy one. 😢
This is why you typically don't end up knowing very many people if you go all in with purging all toxic types of people from your life.Narcissistic types AREN'T the only unhealthy people out there...Don't forget the other camp of unhealthy types, the enablers/codependent ones.Those ones don't purposely cause harm obviously but the unfortunate reality is that people can still be unhealthy to be around even when they don't actually have bad intentions.For me personally I just avoid all of it whether they're a manipulator or simply a headache...Whether someone intentionally or unintentionally runs you over with a 🚗, you still end up harmed by it ultimately because the result is the same😅.My motto with people is...I'd rather have a single lovely 🌹 in my garden than even a entire yard full of poison ivy🌞👍🏻.
Then, they are Not real true friends either.... "With Friends like that, Who needs Enemies?". That's how the saying goes
@@patriciaalbertson5183 Exactly, this is why you usually don't know a lot of people if you completely rid yourself of toxic types...They don't have to have bad intentions to be unhealthy to know.
@@AnnaCrowlKaehr I hear you. As much as it hurts I’m glad we have this community so we can support each other. 🩵
When a non-narcissist person goes no contact, it's because they've identified that they don't need the black-hole of pain, coercion, exploitation and wilful control, that is the narcissist. When our eyes and ears are attuned to the narcissist's behaviour and shape-shifting attitudes, we see clearly that the narcissist NEEDS US, our essence, for validity that they exist. Showing a narcissist that they don't exist - by not needing them (emotionally, financially, physically) is the most powerful action you could take.
This really sums it up for some explanation of my time at home with my mother. It was Soo confusing to be shut out for two weeks at a time from sister and her mother. "Punished" ?? I didn't know what it was about. Even if they said I was being punished, that would be something. But, never a word, just ignored and not a word spoken. My blood pressure went so high when I was older teen, that I walked all the way in town to a Dr. Didn't know it was BP then, just hurt all over. He said it's unusual for my age. What's wrong? I had no answer.
Then, I was offered a "Peace Offering" when they decided to break silence. A horrid RED pair of pants too big for me with box pleats all across the belly. After I didn't wear them, I was taunted with "arncha gonna wear them"? Ungrateful you!
I was a good kid, quiet and no trouble, honors student. So, why be punished w)o a reason.,.
Decades ago and thousands of miles away, so late getting this info.
Wonder what my life would have been like otherwise.
I've been successful, but totally on my own. Proud of my independence and abilities.
Education on this ugly Narc abuse so needs to be taught early on so it can at least be identified.
T Y Dr Ramini💜🕊️
Amen!!
Unfortunately, sometimes non-narcs feel like they're the narcissist when they go no contact because it has some of the same vibes as the narc's behavior - silent treatment, aloof, not caring, "punishing." There's also the narc's smear campaign when they realize something is up.
My covert narc mom has gossiped about people who are cold, distant, evasive, uncaring... She doesn't self-reflect on how her behavior affects other behavior so she sees that as something "wrong" with the other person. She also gaslights that her toxic behavior and emotional dysregulation are due to "concern" and "how reality works" and other nonsense.
This! I'm struggling with this right now.
They also go no contact when someone or something better comes along. You don't exist if a new shiny toy is in their life.
So true, but the shiny new toy doesn't last long and they want to come back. Usually, in the first couple of months.
God I hope
Yes! I was the one that initiated no contact with my narcissist husband 8 months ago. I put up very strict boundaries that he didn’t know I was capable of. The grief has recently started to hit me, as I am essentially the widow to a man who never actually existed, but I am standing strong in my stance here. My peace and self love is more important to me than a sham marriage. ❤️
I believe we lack empathy which is why you probably feel the widow connection. I know for me none of my marriages were shams but I see your connection. It was more like a tool that’s needed.
When I went no contact, I became full of fear and anxiety. I cried and cried. I was flustered and angry. I started self harming and sickness. Things have died down a bit, however I still feel afraid because I know what them people are capable of. I want no parts of them anymore.
❤
Please seek therapy and work with your doctor to regain your health. These relationships flay you, and you need help in healing, emotionally and physically.
Self care, kindness, love, well being, is what they deny you.
Take back your power
When I received similar treatment of 'no contact as punishment' from my narcissistic bullies, many of them would send their flying monkeys to provoke a reaction from me, to coerce or force me to react the way the narcissists wanted me to react. It gave them satisfaction, a sense of triumph over me and the supply they desperately need. If I didn't react the way narcissists aimed for, and actually didn't care, the narcissists couldn't stand the slightest sign of being ignored and treated like a non-issue, they would actively abandon the 'no-contact treatment' as if nothing happened, and eagerly force some reaction out of me. Narcissists think they are so important and relavant that everyone ought to dance according to their tune. In fact they are no more than a gum stuck underneath the sole of one's shoes, refusing to let go.
What I've taken with me from being with a covert one: even if they may have no desire to hurt you, once you've been hurt by them, they'll never look at you without seeing their own shame.
I think in some heartbreakingly twisted way, the punishment and gaslighting is their way of simply trying to erase their mistakes, which of course doesn't work, it only makes the shame more profound, and so the abuse snowballs. As long as they can rely on us to maintain the boundaries and fantasy in the relationship, they can be perfectly wonderful people, but the moment a boundary slips it inevitably results in a cascading failure of the relationship. Since they're allergic to self-reflection, it'll always be our fault in their eyes.
5 people in my family have gone no contact from the toxic family system. We had enough with the nonsense and family dysfunction especially the regular episodes of rage. We feel physically and psychologically safe and have been able to grow since going no contact. I personally feel good that I’ve protected my children from the toxic family dynamics and that my children never had to witness a fit of rage or experience violence from my family.
There is no excuse for narcissist behavior. A 27 year narcissist survivor-No contact is never easy but if it brings relief do it for yourself, your worth it! ❤
I'm in a similar situation. It's not easy, but I wouldn't ever go back. My freedom is to precious to me
For sure!!! I went no contact for a couple of years after trying everything I could to maintain some sort of relationship with my mother. One day I ran into her and her friends, in a parking lot. There was a positive exchange between us, bc I would never not speak if I ran into her. The next day, I ran into her again but this time she was alone. I said good morning and she gave a dismissive snort, turned her back and walked away. She later called my sister and alluded that I was the one who refused to speak. What a mind eff! It absolutely is manipulation, with a side order of lies, projection and a false facade for her friends. She’s 86 and still going narc balls to the wall.
Well, that was predictable. You are obviously a better person than she will ever be. I handle this by not living in the spaces that people who want to hurt me live. I will not put myself through that.
@@karenk2409That’s a good strategy!
My mother is exactly the same, I really genuinely fail to understand the why behind her behaviour! She always wants to cause chaos and drama and gossip when she could have all the loving doting attention for positive behaviour…it blows my mind
@@yordanose31 My bio mother is the same gossips about everyone but when she sees them is all hugs and kisses if her family only knew what she said about all of them behind their backs she would be the one freezed out. Some cousins are catching on to her but since her and my half brother did a smear campaign on me they don't talk to me. Their loss not mine the truth will come out eventually and I won't be around when it does they can all sit there knowing I was telling the truth.
@@P55999 my mother has done the same to me! The smear campaign, saying that I have postpartum depression (which is crazy because my closest friend had postpartum depression and it’s not something I’d wish on anyone let alone my own daughter!), she’s told my in-laws horrific things about me and even my brother but luckily enough they have experienced enough of her toxic chaos to realise that she is likely lying about everything. Nevertheless it’s devastating that she intentionally wants people around me to hate me…..for no reason whatsoever. I wouldn’t treat a friend like that let alone my own flesh and blood, my daughter. It’s hard to ever forgive her, I don’t think I will tbh
Well let me be the first to say it was beyond easy for me to go NC to the narc spouse and his family etc. I truly thought we were family until we weren’t. That was disappointing because I was blindsided by their actions. Once I realized that he never love me and I married an imposter I can’t unsee anything, the blinders are gone. I can’t mourn disrespect🤷🏾♀️
Well said.
This.
I love the way she explains things. Dr.R makes complete sense & she has a very clear way of thinking. 💯
I'm broken but still going :)
I suppose you will heal soon
Hang in there. It's tough but you're tougher.
I hear you and understand. The struggle is definitely real. Keep going. YOU are worth with!!🩵
That makes 2 of us, you are not alone❣️❣️❣️
I went no contact because I would not survive otherwise. A good but difficult choice.
No-Contact video has resonated more than any other video. I've experienced this issue over 5 yrs & now that I've been No-Contact for about 90 some days my days are more productive & my state of mind very much improved.
Make NO Contact a permanent condition. You will heal and start defining your life beyond that toxic relationship. You will move on and it will lose its power over you.
It took me a while to fully understand. "Narcissistic no contact" is punishing silent treatment. Not the same as no contact to protect yourself and create space to heal after attempting healthy resolution techniques w/o compromising your boundaries. It is hard to do, especially as you row through the opening floodgates of grief. The key difference I experienced is you're not holding on to altering their behavior, unlike silent treatment's shaming intent.
Spot on! Especially your last sentence
This is such a good topic, which is most definitely not talked about enough. I would love to hear for instance how vulnerable narcissist are different when they go no contact, putting themself in victim position and blaming everything on the other person.
There are a few differences when it comes to no contact with or by the narcissistic person. Non-narcissistic person will grieve the relationship, the person they thought they knew. They will often question themself, blame themself and take full accountability. Often they will even go to therapy to get answers. Narcissistic person however will quickly move on to their new supply and act like neither you nor the relationship ever mattered. It is not unusual the narcissistic person will go no contact when confronted.
BABY,IVE BEEN NO CONTACT FOR 6 YEARS IN JULY!! GREATEST, GREATEST DECISION EVER. And guess what,I'm never returning, EVER!!! LOVE YOU ALL.................IF I CAN DO IT,SO CAN YOU.
One of the things narcissistic people is doing is all family friends will hear the worst stories from you so when you say goodbye you are just alone and need to start at 0. But it is worth, take your time to heal and process your experiences. The future is worth to choose this path😉
The day he threatened to kill me, after years of accelerating hell, I ran and never looked back. Even with a protective order, he kept trying to inject himself and control the narrative. On my lawyer's advice, I left all social media when he attacked me there. I blocked him on my phone to stop the texts. He sent letters, including telling me I could still come back and "do penance" (!) - those all went to my lawyer. He prolonged the divorce until the judge got sick of him and called it quits (so grateful!) He told family members that I was pursuing him, totally outrageous!
All this was after 46 years, and leaving him saved my life but cost me some of my family. Of course there was terrible grief. Disentangling from these warped, selfish, and malignant people is no picnic, but thank God I did, finally. I found my soul and safety, even though I'll have to live with sadness for the rest of my life. You pay a high price for ever getting involved with these kinds of people. I was very young when I married, from a very good family, and had absolutely no clue.
Godspeed to you and congratulations on your escape. You now have your own life. Be well, my friend.
Thank you for talking about this!!! THERE ARE NO VIDEOS ON NARCS GOING NO CONTACT. He went no contact with me after so much abuse completely discarded me blocked me on everything after a fight. In the past he has hovered me back every single time, It’s so hard. Because I’m sure he’ll do the hovering again. I decided to take control over the situation and block him back. He unblocked me recently.
I hope you get rid of him now, but I guess he won’t let go, maybe he will send his enabler/“soldiers” now to hover you back in
Please please, look after yourself. They do not care a jot about you. Please think of yourself, your feelings, your health and do not allow them to even come near you again. They will never change, I promise you. Good luck.
Hold him to his decision to block you by keeping him blocked yourself
Be grateful. No Contact is No Contact. He gets off on having you chase him. So don't, ever again.
Keep him blocked to save your soul & your sanity ❤
No contact is not a lesson, I don't want them around me because i don't want to go to jail for murder.
BINGO!!!!❤😮
Yup
I feel the same way. But something tells me by me going no contact saved me from being killed. There is no telling how far a person will go with no moral compass or since of boundaries
@@djmadijohnsonThey would kill all of us in a heart beat if they thought they could get away with it. It's easier to prove they're a nut job with their constant attempts to contact you, especially if you want nothing to do with them then taking them out for the good of the world. Never underestimate how dangerous they are.
Same. Reactive people are not safe. And self protection can force you to cause harm, which would be horrendous. It’s not a choice
I hadn't spoken to her for a few months and then noticed she blocked me. (I didn't block her because I felt like she was trying to get a reaction out of me) I was soooo relieved to be blocked!
My narcissistic friend has gone no contact. They managed to make it my fault that they had to leave in a twisted way. Then when I said I was hurt, justified it, said they would honor my need for space but asked that I allow them to let me know when I am “ok” to talk to for them again. It’s like I’ve become contaminated by proxy for demons they believe I’m connected with. Literally lol. Geez
The narcs are the true demons. Beware
Being married to a narcissist are like gyms, people on the outside want to get in and those inside want to get out.
Lol, they present a different facade to the outside from those who are already in
Yes!! OMG so true! BTW I love your comparison 😂
Well put. 😂
When they go no contact, they wat to punish you, they take away people, places and things away from you to punish you, sometimes, right up until they die. So even if you aren't supported for doing your thing, live well because you can!
Yes, yes, and YES!
🌸I’ve gone no contact on mother and ‘friends’. And have been gone no contact on. Both are freeing, leaving me happier than I was with them in my life. 🌸
He would scream "im divorcing you" then go no contact. Started at 3 months after wedding+ infant on my hands.
I am currently in a no contact with my stepmother (narcissist). “being taught a lesson”. I had major surgery a week ago…. Not a peep.
Hope your recovery goes well!
Does she know you had surgery? Does your Dad? Wouldn't you rather see your Dad anyway?
@@SoundsBogus yes she knows. Someone I know told her, a week before the surgery. My dad passed away from complications,
due to a car accident two years ago. My natural mother died when I was nine years old and two of my sisters died in separate car crashes. Needless to say, I have experienced a very traumatic and complicated life. I will skip the bad stuff….
At this point, all that I have left is “her”.
How ironic is that?
My dad married her when I was five years old. Since that age I have “seen” her for who she is. A true narcissist.
I am an INFJ. She has targeted me my whole life and I really can’t stand to be around her (tho I try 💪). She has a 1,000 ways to make me feel a lesser person. From subtle to cruel.
Life is such a journey. 🕯️
@@PhotonBeast Thank you. 👍✨
@@Jason-xb3jh I pray you can let her go and make room in your heart and mind for real love. ❤
This vid means a lot. It’s been over a year since I went NC with my narcissistic ex and it really wasn’t one situation that caused it, I just finally reached a breaking point. It was a slow build up over months of being treated like crap..so glad it’s over.
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalized
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You wont regret it
Wow! These are troll comments. I saw these exact same comments on Rebecca Zang's channel. Can't believe you are paying to post troll comments on narcissism channels. You must be a very rich narcissist. Truly insane.
After8 years of trying to navigate and maintain a relationship with my daughter who actually has become narcissistic after moving in with a narcissistic family cult I couldnt take any more. I dont know whether she is a narcissist or a flying monkey for them. After a 40 minute telephone conversation where she raged, accused me of things I didnt do, verbally abused me the entire conversation, and threatened me I finally ended up having to go no contact for my own peace of mind. It has been a struggle. I have felt anger, guilt, shame, depression and my heart is broken. I am finding it hard to move forward but am taking baby steps day by day. You have helped me get through this Dr Ramani. I am so thankful for your videos.
Thank you for helping us understand. We have to care for our psychological safety. I have the impression its the only way to heal being loyal to myself instead of the former mind-program of being loyal to all others.
This is exactly what I’m going through right now. He has gone no contact before using it to punish me or because he can’t handle things about me that are normal in a relationship like asking “what time will you be heading home?” This time I have gone no contact because of his torment of criticizing me and applying rules that I have to follow that I can’t seem to get right. I’m not doing well 😢
Deleting his number, blocking him on social media, throwing out anything he gave me, and completely ignoring him when he showed up at my event-- priceless!!!
Thank you, Doctor. I was especially blessed to hear you use the term "narcissistic family system". In my wife's large family of 24, most everyone is pleasant and reasonable in individual relationship, but when they get together, they're a nasty crew and the "in laws" are treated poorly - like servants - or the family dog. It took years to get on the same page with my wife about them, when finally I pleaded with her to watch closely how they interact with me - I named the worst of them and the behaviors to be on the watch for. In time, she saw clearly and began responding to them "you can't treat my husband like that" which in the end, got both of us, um, shunned by all of them when they circled the wagons and defended their behavior. What makes it even more muddy, is the role that their religion plays in their sense of entitlement. I believe it could be said "there's narcissism and then there's pious narcissism". The latter in doubly malignant. So glad to be out of there now for our own health and happiness. The guilt is hard to deal with - like by insisting my wife really see them for what they were doing to me - that I cost her her family. But whenever we talk about it - she has an apt view of what transpired "they're punishing me because I failed to control my dog - you". Then she says "lets just live our life, go forward and be happy". And we are. So grateful to be free.
I really enjoy the insights o gain from watching your videos. Probably out of left field for this topic but it dawns on me today that the narcissistic family system denies my reality when it’s too difficult to manage. So they can regulate without acknowledging that my suffering existed growing up and as an adult. Then when you bring it up it’s as if it never existed. To them it really doesn’t. They erased my feelings and my hidden reality. I always wondered how it is that certain types of abuse could go unnoticed or unaddressed in families like sexual abuse. That never happened to me. But it makes sense. The family erased the abuse to regulate and maintain the system. And it abandons the person who suffers. It goes down generations and can happen to any member of the family. I can trace the trauma back at least 6 generations of one side of my family. Maybe like the Bible says, the 7th generation will be the last to suffer it. Who knows, maybe they knew.
They go no contact after the love-bombing’s phase, it’s like a cycle.
I have had narcissistic people decide to cut me off and......yes, bad weeds have a way of turning up again. But guess what? When a narcissistic person cuts me off, it's permanent. I will not take them back no matter what. I don't care who they are. It's always shocking to them 😂😂😂 For the 2 narcissistic people who are no contact with me, it has brought me so much peace. No joke. Best thing they ever did for me.
I have done the no contact with each of the narcs I attracted. Geez. First marriage, no contact after 23 years. Married a 2nd time, after he died new relationship - he was the typical jekyl n hyde schizoid type of narc.. and after 3 months of giving up my flat and going into a new huse to 'share with him' the real him showed up.! I left last november.
Never looked back he left me in debt and homeless. My sister has always been strange as has my daughter, I went no contact with both after many betrayals. Neither had a real moment true love and care for me. I have completely had enough.
Time for me, what life I have left is just for ME.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator digitalinvestigate@gmail.com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
They’re secretly gay
The Royal we...on UA-cam....he talks explains about the narc...and sex.
Had the same thing happen to me. She started out highly sexual was into things I was into and it was amazing some of the best sex I'd had then it became once or twice a week and then I was the problem for having a high libido when she initially came off that way.. I'm out of it now and it hurts everyday but I know I'm better off
Yeah. My ex left the kids and I... and then would just show up unannounced to "grab a few things". Really dismissive. I texted her that I didn't want her doing that. First she denied, and then said she didn't want to talk about it. And now it's no contact. I'm quite ok with that.
It seems like she can't process having a relationship without control. That's not my problem anymore.
Very helpful! I woke up crying this morning as a no-contact "non"-narc! (Sister checks every narcissist box.) I'm 70 and they only get worse over years.
So glad i found you and your book. About now to pop in on your special--bought book. 💜
I went no contact, because there were no “accepted” answers, other than to comply. That my mother did not want professional help, not just to protect her image. But, because she fully-intended her agenda, which included dominance and abuse for not complying and she was supported by the key ingredient, my former sibling. That sibling was the perfect flying monkey, in every way - angry, having possibly been the former scapegoat, eager for the nod to topple and be abusive towards me, ignorant of the history, the situation, and as per the life they led, beholden to the idea that, if mom said to rob a bank that she was “in charge now”, which meant us reverting from our 50s to our early teens. It felt cult-like, which was OK, for one child, who had arrested development, in terms of life progression. Not do much, for the other, me. Things took on a mad, dark persona and a sibling that had never been around, turned into, “I was there, to take mom to the doctor.” The question started to turn into, “Why were you at work?” It was as if work was to no longer be an issue, in the face of what was clearly my mother’s self destruction, which apparently needed to be accommodated. I never wanted to punish either of them. I wanted to escape the possible death, of either of us. It didn’t take me long to go no contact. But it was day to day vigilance, because they had not been told I was going no contact. Further, I began to understand that, by familial, social, and legal standards, most of society would tell me, “No contact??? There IS no such thing!!! No one ASKED YOU!!!” You’re just the only fool in the relationship, who doesn’t know it. Nobody cares about whether your family is abusive or that you’re an adult or that you have to earn a living. I learned that I was not only escaping my family. But society.
Great video. I went no contact with an individual who didn't respect my time or input. Ii had voiced my concerns. t took awhile to decide to go no contact.She was in disbelief and I was done.I knew to stand my ground. She then played the victim again. Good riddance.
It’s been a long painful process to choose to go no contact with the narcissist toxic/abusive people, and I did it to protect my health and safety. A lot of grief for sure, and extra exhausting pushing back on the enablers who pressure me to keep the narcs in my life no matter what awful thing they do. The narc goes no contact, does the silent treatment, or punishes us in some way if we don’t comply, etc..:and no one questions them. Yet I am shamed for protecting myself from their abuse. So tired of it all. I just don’t care anymore. Focusing on myself. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
4 minutes in someone finally gets me.
3 words explain the unexplainable.
LOSS OF HOPE.
When life is good on every front, HOPE is a beautiful word. If life gets in the way, again, HOPE is beautiful, but after this, HOPE is HOPELESS, pointless, meaningless, and holds no value as it gives no promise.
HOPE for the best, but you better prepare for the worst. HOPEFULLY in time, I become HOPEFUL that
HOPE returns in all its beauty.
One of my Uncles used the silent treatment. Often the reason was not discernible or was very petty. He could cold shoulder a person for a whole month! My husband had a friend who did the same. It’s cruel, especially to a child or vulnerable person. And they know, or at least hope, that they are causing pain to the person they do this to. That they knowingly do this, tells all you need to know about them.
I went no contact a few times and got pulled back in each time. This last time, so far, it has been since Nov 1 2023, and the longest I've had no contact. It has been difficult, sad, and sometimes heart wrenching. At other times I feel free, happy, and the feeling of finally getting away from his pull. I'm a big time ruminator and that has been the worst for me. For some reason, the bad stuff isn't sticking out anymore only the good stuff from our relationship and I need to stay strong and keep away. I hate this.
Write down all the bad stuff and read over it when you miss him
@@user-xu1uv1bj4p I did. I had to for my own sanity.
If you suffer from mild depression, OCD or ADHD this can be a massive problem as we self stimulate using positive memories. I am sorry and I know how this feels.
@@iheart3dprinting951 Thank you iheart
That's the trauma bond and euphoric recall in full effect.
Just finally knowing who these people are and understanding what is going on is so helpful. I had a narcissistic person, who was my whole world, die nearly 2 decades ago and I was in grief for years and years. I went no contact with a narcissist recently, and I am so much better able to cope, and also grieve because I know I'm grieving what I saw as a possibility, not the actual person. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Buy Dr. Ramani's book It's Not You, it's so helpful truly! Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Dr. Ramani is a great book too. I recommend both!
No contact for 3 years and now they’re stalking me
Narcissist goes no contact?! You wish. Once a narcissist broke contact with me for ALMOST fifteen minutes (the happiest fifteen minutes of our relationship) but then continued where she left off.
This is so interesting to me as my only parent would disappear for seemingly no reason for months at a time. I’d get so worried at the lack of response and ask others if they were ok, and of course, I would hear they responded and were fine. I’d wait and wait and 6 months seemed to be enough time out of contact from me. I’d usually just get a forwarded email or something non committal, and I’d jump back on the sinking ship no questions asked. I’ll never understand these people but it definitely was different when it became my turn to go no contact.
Im just not going to play the game anymore. My narcissist keeps coming to family functions. I dont engage her, I will answer any direct questions but I am not engaging with her.
I recently had to block my sister and go no-contact for over a year. When I ended the no contact, my sister asked me why I had blocked her. I gave her a couple reasons why, but didn't tell her all of them because I didn't want to cause drama. I said, I needed to take a break for my mental health. She recently blocked me back for no reason, which solidified for me just how narcissistic she is. I don't think I'll ever speak to this sister again and I've been happier for it.
No contact requires that the non-narcissistic person refrains from any curiosity about how the narcissistic person is doing. The non-narcissistic person has to steel their mind, avoid peeking at the narcissist’s social media, avoid gossip from others about the narcissistic person. I’ve “snooped” a handful of times on some of the narcissists I went no contact to ensure my physical safety and protect myself and my family. I’ve resisted the temptation to snoop out of any negative emotions or bitter curiosity. It’s not easy. We have to control any impulse to do detective work for validation. I am a natural born detective and puzzle solver. The narcissistic relationships I was born into, family and extended family, friends, lovers and an ex husband, the secrets , the lies, the strange behavior of these narcissistic people, I had to let my curiosity go! I have to Give it to God if I am to have any kind of life without these folks messing with it or me still puzzling out the past. I escaped. I’m out. I’m wiser now. I’m no contact.
It's hard when the N is a close family member and you care about them. They keep you in the dark about everything.
Thank you so much, as usual, you are so helpful, I am contemplating breaking no contact because it is with my son, I have been grieving... Thank you !!!👍❤❤❤
With an adult child it feels more complicated 😢
I understand the pain you are feeling im 80yr old and my son is 60 hes been giving me the silent treatment for 12mths its hard but you must not give in to him may you find peace 😔
@@judystevens6039 12 months (!)😬😳😥
Each of your words, especially today, is deeply healing, Thank you Dr. Ramani, I appreciate your work and all that you do ... I'll see you and this community later for the retreat ...
I agree with you 100%.
I went no contact with my ex-husband. Then he turned around and blocked me on Facebook. So happy to be done with all the drama.
Your ability to connect the concept of narcissism to both couples' relationships and work environments is impressive and insightful.
Being forced to walk away is painful, overwhelming, fearful, guilt ridden, riddled with second guessing and fall backs, unjust, and leaves you vulnerable for attack.
Walking away for good, literally means walking away FOR GOOD. Goodness for you, your soul, your spirit, your health, your stability, your peace, and another chance to live.
I went no contact with my narc sister. Years of walking on egg shells, being screamed at. Got to the point of an almost hatred feeling coming from within me. Now I'm being gaslighted, she's got her flying monkeys and playing the victim, telling lies. Not playing her games anymore. Done. Finished. Hope I never hear her voice ever again
Currently gone no contact with my son. So much hurt for past 4 years when I visit. His partner is a narcissist, uses him.... They now have 2 very small children, the atmosphere and arguments are so bad I grieve for my grandchildren when I did visit. All her family were invited to christening that I wasn't (conveniently) informed of. My ex and wife were......... only way I can deal with this is no contact....... Love Dr Ramanis explanations on these videos, helps people immensely. ❤
When they ignore you it's because they were "busy" and you need to stop being so sensitive. When you ignore them they cry foul and pretend to be a victim ugggggggh🙄
Mine went ‘busy’ as well , I know it was a lie when in fact they’re just busy with new supply 🙂↕️
I'm a narcissist, and this has impacted my behavior throughout my life. Sadly, I've caused a lot of harm and destroyed many relationships along the way. Watching this brings back so many memories of similar events, especially when you described what it's like when I leave and get hyped-that's so true. Out of all my relationships, only one person in my 40 years has ever left me. She went no contact, and I've never seen or heard from her again. She became a ghost.
"Teaching someone a lesson".....yessssss
Such excellent points in the difference between the way the narcissist and the non-narcissistic person in the relationship go no contact. In my experience as a survivor of a 5-year relationship with a narcissist, though, when I finally went no contact, I have to admit that the anger and the desire to punish him was also wrapped up in the grief, guilt, and sadness of the loss. I did think, "I'll show him!" but it felt like I was claiming my voice and my power after years of mistreatment, not trying to control him. My anger fueled my resolve to protect myself. So I can't really claim completely pure motivations of self-protection. I did what I had to do to stop the Dance.
Just a small note. A narc disappearing for sometime (not going as far as blockdelete but definitely enough as to not ever reply to messages and not pick up the phone), is not necessarily a punitive/tantrum/manipulative response. It might just be the usual cycling-submarine thing narcs do. It happened to me, so I know.
This is so helpful. I have run into narcissism at different stages in my life. I can recognize it now and am more careful who I bring into my circle. I recently had to set boundaries with a narcissistic neighbour. She has taken to trashing my name around my neighbourhood. I knew this was going to happen. However, I still questioned myself. I don't think it ever will get easy, but material like this helps provide strength and support.
When Dr Ramani said narcissist no contact is impulsive… it cracked me I had the exact experience with not one but three narcissists 😂🤣 … I often wonder how life would be without the knowledge of narcissism and narcissistic behaviour … thank you Dr really you have made me navigate this world with clarity
If a narcissist goes no contact with you then you have achieved the best case scenario. If they think they've won and you are not worth any more of their effort, it will never get better than that. Stay off social media and keep enablers and mutual acquaintances on a information diet to give them little reason to think of you.
It seems the people who are protective of narcissists’ reactions don’t remember very well the dangerous behavior of the narcissist and that narcissists themselves don’t know when they will put others in harms way. I have seen and know of many grandiose, entitled, vindictive narcissists. You NAILED it again. There is nothing about it trying to protect themselves when you see smoke coming out of their ears as they talk enraged. It is a dangerous place where they are when they get this way. Thanks so much!!!
Thank you Dr Ramani! I have been blocked by several family members on who knows what social media profiles over the years. Most I didn't even know about. When it is brought up.... I am like!? Really I guess this is all they have! Please stop with the validation seeking and wounded childish whining! Hard pass!
Its like saying... Im going to make you miss me so next time you learn to behave because you won't want to miss me. Its so annoying!
It's truly serendipitous the way you touch on topics that directly affect me at the same time as your videos. My goodness.
I have always appreciated your work and thank you for all you have done for so many people.
My x once said " when will you figure it out. As long as do what I want, we get along."
The no contact punishment only worked before I realized he was a narcissist. Once I got the revelation, I was done.
Wow! I just commented on your Q&A post. Definitely feels like my daughter is punishing me and her step dad by not allowing us to see her 4 children for 2 years. She’s almost cut us out of her life. Just recently, 2 people have told me she seems narcissistic and one referred me to you!! Never did I think this but wow! The puzzle is finally coming together after decades!! I’m trying to heal and relish this time but I grieve my grandchildren. I pray for all of them every day. Thank you!
yes, yes YES...Thank you for clarifying the difference between the 2 types of no contact. And how to not confuse them as being the same. They are very different, and that is in the person's intent on why they are doing the no contact.
I am so thankful for you and this channel. Thank you, when i cant put to words often i come here and feel more on my feet. Like theres actually people who get it when the storm of people around me dont.
I can be honest 200% without fear its going to be that black mirror episode. And disbelief of my reality which is real and has its own grief level.
My narc went no contact with me first. And the entire time I felt like I was just being played like a pawn in a chess match. She would get me back to where she wanted me or she'd be gone. Realizing that she would rather manipulate me than trust me and have an open and honest conversation really opened my eyes to how I was seen all along. Somewhere in my mind I knew that I was always considered "less than" then suddenly one day, I had proof.
I miss my NEX. I still wish I could save her from herself. But when someone like that shows you just how little you've always mattered to them... what's the point?
Never confuse attention/validation seeking as the same as caring. If not familiar with ‘hoovering’, easy to confuse and assume call is ‘caring’ about you instead of ‘getting attention’.
I Left/No Contact. Wrote list of why I would never communicate with Ex-NPD like again.
BTW, 7 months later they hoover texted for a 'reset/restart'. I reread list and remained No Contact.
To decide to go no contact with a narcissist is a very tough decision.
A daily struggle with self…. It is also a lonely decision. During those periods my stepmother will use my silent treatment to turn my brother, sister and nieces against me. “Look, he is disrespecting me! He won’t answer me.” Then she will start going in to Bible verses. Some times I wonder if the aftermath of the silent treatment is worse than acquiescing to her. ⚖️
There's a big difference between "silent treatment" and no contact.
@@christinelamb1167 Agreed. I have lasted 2 years of no contact with her. She would not go “no contact”. Although her silent treatments can last a month, if she really wants to drive it home. She will always eventually cast a line out of curiosity or need. While immediately proclaiming that she has not heard from me.
There is no winning, with her.
My ex went no contact with me after we separated because I was finally seeing him for what he is and not having him around at all gave me room to think for myself. It's painful, but it's not a bad thing. I think he went NC because he didn't want to be perceived in any other way than how he had historically presented himself to me. Out in the bigger world narcissistic people don't want to hang around with people they can't charm and manipulate, people who don't buy in to their self-representation. They lose interest quickly in such people and move on to people who are more useful and believe whatever their current narrative is. It makes sense that in the case of a break down of what from the outside appears to have been a functional marriage is a minefield for them. Going no contact allows them to present a narrative in which they're the victim, they're the one suffering. Narcissists love a pity party. I'm sure it's great fodder for that.
"Are you ready to forgive me?" The best response I've ever heard is, "My forgiveness is unconditional. Your presence in my life is not." Bye Bye
This. Exactly. I tried to “fix” some misunderstandings between my narc brother and I. When I challenged him, he totally lost his temper and IMMEDIATELY took me off social media etc because he was angry, wanted to punish me and saw he lost control of the narrative. After counselling and a great deal of thought, I decided it was better for my mental health to have NO contact AT ALL. I could no longer keep up the toxic, unhealthy patterns. It was NOT easy but it was NECESSARY. He tried to interact with me like nothing was wrong, sent crazy ass emails and trash talked me to our mum. It was awful, BUT not having that toxic influence has been so much better for me.
My narc returned and wanted me to beg his forgiveness. Wow. But TG he is gone again