The narcissist will push and provoke you into reacting. But they will never reflect on their actions which caused you to react to them. They fail to see that they are the problem.
I need help with one thing now. My dad has many narcisstic traits, after 30 years me and my mom realized it, that his behavior is not healthy for us. It's long story of course but now I want to ask about one thing. My mom is sleeping in other room cause he threw her out of the bed they shared (because she went on sick leave even though he didn't agree 🤦🏼♀️) and he is in room with his very expensive equipment for listening to music ("now I will finally take care of myself") and plays music very loudly. He won't turn it down, even when he didn't treat her with silence he never did because "that's how you listen to music, you can't do that". What can we do? I'm sorry for asking but there are so many things which are broken here, I'm losing strength even though I haven't had it for years, I just want to help mom. We can't move out, we might not have enough money, I only have a pension, my mother doesn't earn very much. He listens to it during the day, at the latest until the quiet hours, but during the day, like Saturday or Sunday, mom also has the right to rest
Narcissists will define any conflict as “you’re wrong I’m right” and anything the other person does which is even slightly negative will be used as a bludgeon to browbeat them into submission. The smallest foothold is all the narcissist needs to scale the mountain of complete denial
Exactly. And then when u tell them that, they laugh in your face and tell u "it's not about me being right, look at you, you're crazy! Haha". As the proceed to compete and poke at you.
Thank you for exposing this. I am going to share this a lot on Facebook. I spent 6 months in psych ward, suffering from bouts of severe derealization dissociation, and when I asked them about narcissistic abuse, they decided I had BPD and put me on risperidone, and setralin. I don't have BPD; i was being abused by a narcissistic boss and a narcissistic husband. I took myself of the drugs. I learned what I could do to change situations to avoid turning into a Zombie, every time I was angry and could not afford to express it.
If you absolutely have to "deal" with a narc, I would recommend to keep firm bounderies, and keep your distance at the same time. As a second choose on how to deal with the narcissist I would recommend keeping firm boundaries and also to correct them every time they missteps, lie, manipulates etz. When your boundaries are not respected by the narcissist, you need to follow through with consequenses of bad behaviour. You will have your hands full going forward this way. When following through with consequenses to their "re"actions, you explain to the narc, that you are not one of the narc's victims. You have no intentions of becoming one but will be a nuisance to the narcissist in a way that is irritating to him/her. This method is not risk free but narcissists will often choose the path of no or low resistance. This method is a time consuming path to chose. This route sometimes require more time than you would like to spend on these issues. You feel that distancing yourself all together would have been easier. That is however not always possible. Often there is no way to avoid him/her. You unfortunately have to deal with the narcissist because you are colleagues or close family. You must think through what you need the narcissist to respect and what arias of conflict you must pay extra attention to, to keep your integrity and to detect manipulative behavior. Be prepared and clear in your communication and stick to your guns. Try to stay under the radar as much as you can, even when this method is the best for you. A way that works as well is to play along with the narcissist and act like you agree with everything they do and say. This method works well until many people in the narcissists sphere do the same. When everyone agrees with the narcissist you are back on square one. The narcissist must have victims and this setting is no different. To go NO Contact is another good alternative and method, and is probably the best option when it is possible to cut all contact permanently. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire above private investigator cyberalbert394@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me.
The therapist that doesn't understand narcissistic abuse and they try to tell you that you're partly responsible. Over the years therapist have done so much damage to survivors by delaying proper care and treatment by gaslighting them and enabling the narcissist.
@@sharicoburn5475 Worse than that, that therapist is court ordered and then crosses over into making custody recommendations in family court! This $#it is bananas!
I remember purposely acting dysregulated at times since I was very young. That was when I was trying to protect others. Shock can be good distraction. They looked at me like they weren't sure what they were seeing lol. It worked. Well... standing up for others that I loved at times. I didn't always. I've had purposely trying to look dysregulated for protection on my mind lately because of a video I saw and comments under another video where people mentioned doing the same type of thing to keep safe.
It's also scary seeing someone you love being attacked when you're young... whether that's verbally or physically. Or the threat of something physical.
It's as if we are not allowed to have normal reactions to their shitty/unreasonable behavior. It's maddening. And that creepy blank look they have when you are having a normal reaction to them, wtf?
Gracious I just flashed the look my ex husband and family would do to me. You are right correct! Like they are resetting and loading data in their bloody demon heads.
@@KC-ns9dothey make you pay a high bloody price for being that! Even though that is what they demand and sought in the first place. We are prey to these demons
The narcissist is a master at continuing to push the right buttons until you react. However, silence, ignoring them, doing some chore only enrages them more. The healthier person is between the devil and the deep blue sea. To react or not to react will not change the abuse.
You are absolutely right in what you say. If you are not reacting the way they want when they are provoking and abusing you, they up the ante and get more aggressive and cruel whether it's verbally or physically, or both.
@basantidevi2305 When I learned about narcissistic personalities, I started noticing more red flags in my personal and professional relationships. This knowledge has changed my life.
That lady was me for YEARS! I now recognize my narcissistic husband for what he is. His 'jokes' always bothered me but I couldn't put it into words as to why because people would look at me & say he laughed it was a joke. Somehow I knew those jokes weren't jokes they were threats or digs aimed at me...thanks for your timely words. You have helped me keep my sanity.
@AuntyE-yq5rh, "Jokes" can be passive aggression. We were once out with a couple for dinner who were known to be having marital problems. As we were leaving the restaurant, the husband held her coat for her to put it on. As she was reaching her arm into the coat, he dropped it on the floor. He said, "Your coat seems to be on the floor." and started laughing. "Why don't you pick it up?" he said, still laughing. No one else was laughing. We don't contact them anymore, but it doesn't seem fair to the wife, who we liked, and she liked us. We just decided we didn't want any more of the kind of an evening that would leave us with indigestion and a headache! I'm sorry if you're having to deal with similar "humor". Hang on to your sanity, because it's not only you who has had this happen.❤
My narcissist mil would smile when I lost it. She has passed away since 2021 age 93 and I still shiver when I think of that smirky smile and the one raised eye brow. These videos are helping to heal me …age 75.
If you absolutely have to "deal" with a narc, I would recommend to keep firm bounderies, and keep your distance at the same time. As a second choose on how to deal with the narcissist I would recommend keeping firm boundaries and also to correct them every time they missteps, lie, manipulates etz. When your boundaries are not respected by the narcissist, you need to follow through with consequenses of bad behaviour. You will have your hands full going forward this way. When following through with consequenses to their "re"actions, you explain to the narc, that you are not one of the narc's victims. You have no intentions of becoming one but will be a nuisance to the narcissist in a way that is irritating to him/her. This method is not risk free but narcissists will often choose the path of no or low resistance. This method is a time consuming path to chose. This route sometimes require more time than you would like to spend on these issues. You feel that distancing yourself all together would have been easier. That is however not always possible. Often there is no way to avoid him/her. You unfortunately have to deal with the narcissist because you are colleagues or close family. You must think through what you need the narcissist to respect and what arias of conflict you must pay extra attention to, to keep your integrity and to detect manipulative behavior. Be prepared and clear in your communication and stick to your guns. Try to stay under the radar as much as you can, even when this method is the best for you. A way that works as well is to play along with the narcissist and act like you agree with everything they do and say. This method works well until many people in the narcissists sphere do the same. When everyone agrees with the narcissist you are back on square one. The narcissist must have victims and this setting is no different. To go NO Contact is another good alternative and method, and is probably the best option when it is possible to cut all contact permanently. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire above private investigator cyberalbert394@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me.
I also have a 93 year old narcissistic MIL (today was her birthday). She is pure evil, manipulates and takes advantage of everyone around her and complains about her life that is utterly perfect. She is the only one person in this world that I truly hate.
Can't tell you how many times people have done this to me. There was this guy I encountered at a job several years ago who basically told me I can't let ANYTHING bad affect me, ever. Apparently we're just supposed to float through life, untouched by everything. And in general I find that people don't care at all what was done to me and they'll give the abuser a free pass but then demonize and blame me for the UTTER SIN of reacting which is apparently so much worse than abusing people in the first place. It's backwards and I honestly hate society.
@@Simbaholic I hear that about society. I definitely go through phases when I'm disgusted with humanity. The selfishness, immaturity, and utter lack of accountability. Most especially from those in positions of power or authority whose job it is to help and advocate for those that really need it. Vis-a-vis family court.
I once asked a client who was going through something similar, "What would make you leave?" ...and it really gave her pause and she thought long and hard about it. It wasn't to judge her; it was help her navigate her options and if/when to apply them.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for identifying that it is 'normal to have a reaction' to the abuse of a Narcissist, and explaining about the iceberg and the 'tip' of said iceberg that most people see, separate from the entire experience of interacting with these personality types.
Love your insight, hate the choices. Living empty and numb isn't a life, it's just existing. Hating them for what they can't be is a waste of time. The only choice is to overcome the fear not of them, of yourself. When you're told basically you're a piece of crap all your life, it's hard to believe you're not, you will fail. God give us all strength to defeat fear. We all deserve to FEEL life, love,and joy. It is what seperates us from them.
I understand this woman. Live in hope, die in despair. The hope that I could fix it propelled me forward. The narcissists in my life (and there have been many) spent a hell of a lot less time thinking about me than I did about them.
This realization has helped me a lot in disengaging from emotional manipulation by making me feel bad for the abusers and pitying them. They change from one moment to another, suddenly laughing and happy again, whereas I ruminate for days or even months, feeling ashamed and guilty. Now, I know that I have also the right to be happy and enjoy my life. 😊
@harryheine1212 Rumination is my middle name. I cannot tell you how many hours I have wasted trying to figure out what I did wrong while nobody was even thinking about me. It is a very hard habit to break but with Dr. Ramani's guidance I am optimistic for us all. Do not give in to the lies and manipulations!
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, bairepersons I have a similar experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction, and mushrooms have significantly contributed to my recovery and being clean today.
I wish those were more easily accessible where I live. Microdosing was my next step for my husband. He's 59 & dealing with lots of mental health challenges, possible CTE & a TBI that put him in a coma for 8 days. Unfortunately, I had to get a TPO since he's 6'6, over 300 pounds, and showing violent behavior, constantly talking about harming others. He's aggressive. To anyone reading this, if you're familiar with BPD, is it common to have an obsession with violence?
This is such an excellent description of the exponential abuse that occurs the longer you are around a narc. It's like everyone else becomes a satellite abuser. And the fact that few others in your world will give you the benefit of the doubt, ask themselves and you why you'd have that reaction, is shocking.
This is absolutely the truth! Thanks for sharing this information Dr. Ramani. So many times I have felt guilt and shame for reacting to the relentless abuse that my narcissist inflicts on me. It's such a harrowing experience, no human being should be expected to endure.
OMGGGGG!!!!!!! YESSS this is my life. I just counted all the narcissists in my life -12... and I still try to keep it together and it's pushing me to my limit... Thank you Dr. Raman!❤👍 You keep me sane!❤
My teenage kids are so used to me not reacting that when I carefully choose to have a reaction about something they all criticize me about not keeping the peace. And they all know he is the problem. It goes to show that what they get accustomed to is their normal and that boxes you in more and when you react it plays into abusers accusations of ‘you’re the problem’. As Dr Ramini says, you can’t win.
Because they're also being abused, and they are not adults who can have any agency or control at all. It's up to you - or the authorities if the situation escalates.
I had a 3 day headache after spending New years eve with my narc mom (and I didn't drink any Alkohol lol). It does affect us no matter how "strong" we are
TOXIC is TOXIC ! We can't Not be affected ! Getting Out Alive and as UnScathed as Possible is the hope. Our desperate Sheer pure Primal Survival becomes becomes their ' game'. Don't walk away, RUN !!! DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THEM AS POSSIBLE and Protect yourself and your Loved ones ! Learn Survival Skills of dealing with these people while protrotecting yourselves and your Loved ones !
I feel compelled again to thank you for all the work you are doing. At 71 I am finally feeling free of my demons that have haunted me my entire life. I actually have some peace of mind, understand my life in a way I never have in the past and feel free. You are truly a God sent. To the younger people - do not waste time on narcissists. You will never understand them, heal them or get even your most basic needs met by these people. Trust me I spent 67 years trying. The phrase "If only I try ... was my mantra. Let them go and get on with your life.
I love the yellow hippie shirt!! I stayed closed all my life. There’s one narcissist I refuse to even be in the same room with her. Being educated on the narcissist now and realizing what happened to me. My wounds are still fresh. I get horribly uncomfortable.
An adult acting as they are center of universe doesn't look any less than a demon. They are toddlers when manging their behaviour but demon when their ego is injured.
I became numb for years after moving in with my partner and finding very early that he was a narcissist. After watching your videos, at first to understand my parents narcissistic behaviour, I then realised that my partner was too. Because I had grown up in a house with two narcissist parents my partners behaviour seemed normal to me. I have completely lost myself and it’s only in the last 7 months I’ve started to feel emotions again. It’s extremely hard and scary but I’m working at leaving and starting over on my own. I’m terrified and disabled with a chronic illness but surely life alone is better than living as I am now and possibly my chronic illness will get better not worse as it’s exhausting living with him.
They suck your life force out of you. Sometimes they can predict you r about to leave them so theyll make you feel worse so that you ll feel you cant live on your own without them. In all of my narc situations i only wish i left them earlier, and even though i realize i had my reasons to postpone that i still feel i should have left early on.
@@yuu_miran I left last July and was put in emergency housing by our local authority but after 4 days I went back to him as I felt I couldn’t cope on my own because of my chronic illness as he is my carer and he had worn me down so much I felt I couldn’t cope with anything alone. Before I moved in with him I lived on my own raising my daughter and had confidence and could cope with life. Now I have no confidence and have deteriorated to being housebound majority of the time and controlled by him. He also controls me financially. To people outside the home it looks like he is being a loving partner taking care of me but in reality he controls every aspect of my life.
It’s the 99% of time that we are numb and disconnected just to survive, and then the 1% when we react (which was provoked by reactive abuse) that we feel overwhelming guilt and shame. We get blamed and shamed for being unhinged! We then realize that either state of being that we live in, dissociative or reactive, is destroying us day by day. Once we can get out we have to rebuild ourselves. 🥰
Brilliant. It's so important to visit the subtle nuances of these issues because this gaslighting on steroids can be very hard to see for ourselves. Thank you!
The worst is when the narcissists try to make us feel like: 1) We are the ones with the anger issues 2) We must be depressed 3) We are the ones that are the real narcissist! 4) We must have oppositional defiance disorder. 5) We are emotionally disturbed. 6) We can not be trusted 7) We suffer from mental health issues 8) We must be on the "spectrum" (Autism). 9) We must have suffered childhood abuse or trauma. These are used by the narcissist to destabilize otherwise healthy individuals. .
OMG, YES! What's worse is family court judges will lump you in with the Narc and punish you for having a reaction to the insanity. Then family court exponentially increases the urge to react adding to the already severe CPTSD.
Oh my gosh…you absolutely described my whole life with my husband! I don’t know how many times my husband would tell me…”If you just shut up and listen to me, things would get better”. I kept my mouth shut until 3 years ago when I started therapy and learned he had a narcissistic personality. We will be together this month 58 years. I came from a broken home, and I didn’t want to put my kids through that. But, I learned children can be resilient. Oh how I wished I’d of left YEARS ago! My mom told me many times that I was losing myself…
I have to say these videos have changed my life for the better! More than words can say🙏🏼 Until three years ago I didn’t know what a narcissist was. The digs and subtle put downs disguised as jokes. Oh you’re too sensitive etc….
The narcissist pushed me and provoked me after multiple betrayals and in the final months of our relationship he finally discarded me in front of his family after promises that he’ll change. I was painted as having anger problems and unhinged. And all the things he did were erased. I’ll never go back. I left him in 2024 and did the work to take my life back.
So, I evolved into two personalities. One, my real self, cheerful, social, open and empathetic (with my trusted family and friends), the other, my false self, stoic, closed, quiet (when with the narcissists in my life). I feel so free now that there's only one narcissist I use my "false" self with. 🥴
I believe the key is to detach psychologically and emotionally- for real! Get healed to the level of absolute indifference! I have to tell you that I am still married, but have been no contact since I understood he was a Cover N almost three years ago. I went silent! I made part of my house my own. And crazy enough: He walks on egg shells, and don’t dare to go into my part. When something needs fixing, I write a note. Guess what? He does whatever is needed asap. It is CRAZY!! In 32 years of marriage this was never ever the case. I did almost everything and paid for almost everything. Now, not a penny! And still he stays. narcissists understand only strength and total genuine indifference. Unbelievable really
How are you handling living in same house? I have been doing that too and it’s killing me even more.. just his energy affects me. I have no where to go and can’t afford an appointment and he will not leave the house. I avoid being at the house when he is home, we don’t speak, not sleep in same room. I filed for divorce but it’s been on hold because I can not afford the attorney and he will not compromise about our “house”.
@@jasmine3416 remember: When you reach the highest point of healing you become totally indifferent to him!!!! I didn’t think it was possible for me to become indifferent to what was the love of my life - but I did it, so can you! Stay home in “your part” when you want. Don’t walk out! Confront him without saying a word. Go to the room, lock your door. REDECORATE your room, by some lights, plants whatever u can afford to make your part Cozy. It will hurt as hell for months - but I hope the steps above will help you through
Dear Dr Ramani. You just described my life to a T. Thank you so much for the valuable information you share with us “ survivors “and which makes life bearable 💕🙏 Stay blessed always 🙏😊💐🤗🌻
I totally agree Dr Ramini. I was becoming a shadow of my former self as I didn't want the constant conflict if I disagreed with him . There were times I was completely exhausted from 'helping' him in his business....I wanted/ needed to rest....but he would make me feel guilty to WANT to go home and be with my family. I therefore complied....staying out to appease him, and the expenses of my own needs. I'm away from him now, slowly healing after a discard which came out of the blue. I suppose I was so worn out that he needed new supply. We need to realise that giving in to THEM and THEIR wants are detrimental to our own wellbeing .
This video it's so necessary. And we only have you Dr Ramani to help us. I can tell in my country no Psychologist is teached about narcissism and they can't identify it
Grey rock, yellow rock, no contact all end up triggering chase responses and you end up right back to "suck it up is the only thing you're allowed"....
Can you tell me more about the chase response you note being triggered? I think I may have noticed a similar pattern when I don't try to resolve an issue with them or try and "make peace" which seems to make them worse.
@@Houstonwehaveaprob1 Attempting to "make peace" seems to be interpreted as "I won" basically. So all previous gaslighting and lying and manipulation and flying monkeys and harassment and so on ends up being "justified" in their mind and so they keep right on doing it, or maybe even escalate so that you "understand" that "they were right to do what they did".
Yes, everything only triggers them, they start stalking, plotting revenge etc and they never seem to cool down. For some people this life has become a survival race who outlives whom and even after some of them go, new other come in even if you stick to all the rules and see them almost right away. It seems like a lifetime curse thats impossible to break.
Indeed, listening to her sounds a lot like my internal dialogue of the past 30 or so years, turns out I was a lot less "crazy" than I was led to believe all these years.
This is so true! My mom did this to me as I was growing up. Once people began to meet me, I think they understood that my mom was crazy and some even stopped talking to her.
I was so tired of every single minute of every single day with him. The amount of strength needed to not react when my feelings and needs were dismissed was unfathomable. 🍒
They are not fooled, they enjoy the show. In some twisted way it makes them feel superior. Most people are just little demons in meat suits, family included....
Now I know why my sweet grandfather would make a certain speech sound when he saw me get upset at someone’s words and behavior. He knew it would do no good to say anything. Narcissists fit the “object” description they make of humans. They are actually the object.
So helpful….the million shades of gray - of going gray rock - or numb? You are such a gifted teacher and unpacker of all this dark, venomous stuff. Thank you again, Dr. Ramani. It sounds like you have the sniffles…..Hope you feel better soon. I know you are wary of complimentary people, but I think you look lovely in that tulip shade of yellow. God bless you in 2025. As always, thank you for your ongoing ministerial and scientific healing messages. 💜✝☮✝💜✝☮✝💜
We've never met, but I often think I'm the client that you're describing. The way you describe the situation is what convinces me that I'm not imagining the situation but that I am indeed in a narcissistic relationship when my inner self asks me, "Are you SURE?"
Yes, the therapist did not call out ex vulnerable narcissist. I walked out and ended therapy. Narc is supported by naive therapist, very typical. Couples therapy with them is dangerous.
Yeah my biological mother would tell me that I’m hotheaded because she and my biological grandma never wanted to take responsibility for their hostility towards me!!!
My narcissistic dad said some horrible things to me. After several weeks of me ignoring his texts, he said "it seems like you're mad about something." When I reminded him of the things he said, he denied saying them, and was shocked I was accusing him of saying such horrible things. After ignoring him again, he said "Now that I think of it, maybe I did say those things. You don't lie, but I just don't remember it. So, if I did, I'm very sorry." Pathetic. Then, he told me I need to lighten up
Thank you Dr Ramani! As a very very young child, I somehow understood that my temperament and key family members who display NPD traits were a mismatch! They have a knack for leveraging basic everyday interactions for their benefit against everyone around them! My position, if there are interactions have them with witnesses, pretty much respond with blinking, then continue with my life!
this is such an important video for people who deal with dismissive people ... narcissists try to do this to get you seeking their approval like as if they're the one's in control ... i would dismiss them in return
Thank you Dr. Ramani for this talk on how one can get tired of being judged on their reactions from the narcissist's offensive behavior to them. It is clear to me that narcissists are subtly clever who deploy these tactics to objectify one whom they deem lesser than and their subject.Many times when one has been healing from being ignored, destabilized, decentralized and in a crucible of vulnerabilty in society, the narcissist takes advantage of that one through clever and manipulative tactics that offsets the vulnerable one. However, the law of reciprocity is the law of the universe. It would behoove narcissists to stop doing what their seared conscience dictates to them to do and take account of their actions, for this law will overtake them. You cannot do wrong to another person, setting into motion the law of reciprocity - law of sowing and reaping. The narcissist ought to understand that, and get help. Thank you for this knowledge. It is very necessary in these times in which we live.
Frick, it was years & years. Starting with my father. Back in the 70s & 80s we never questioned our parents methods of parenting. It was a usual treatment from my entire family. I was the youngest & the scapegoat...although my sibs negatively accused me of being the "Golden child". I knew they hated me, but wasn't allowed to tell an adult for help. I was only accused of whining, or tired and was sent to bed. I didn't know a thing about emotional regulation or even compassion and empathy. I've always struggled with expression and would cry. Never feeling heard, validated or loved. I ended up attracting the same type of man as my father. Distant, cold, and just not caring. After a lifetime of Narcissistic behvaours from family and partners, my fight or flight went into overdrive & i developed Scleroderma and other autoimmune issues.
So sorry 😢 I lived this movie too, in those "good ol days". . never allowed to say anything. Distant parent always got rid of the 'problem' by sending me to bed, anytime of day! There's more awareness these days, but still not enough 💜🕊️💪
I also developed autoimmune disease. At age 12 I couldn't walk. Only after many years, I escaped and moved far, far away. W/ in one year I was off all meds--and have stayed very healthy. Worked for me. Wish everyone could do that.
Baiting. Over and over and over, until I became "the Angry One." Once you get those capital letters, that's it, you are no longer allowed to be angry. The infuriating part is that everyone kept asking _me_ if I could "do something to get him to stop being such an a** hole."
I learned the skills and used words I had learned and words he had never heard or used. Now he uses the words like gaslighting and deflection against me. All I have learned to protect myself he uses and is very smug about his newfound vocabulary. If I challenge him about his abusive behavior he accuses me of gaslighting him, a word he learned from me. Has anyone else had this problem?
Where I live, judging someone is the common way of life.Before my healing journey, I wasn’t at my best and I was judged. I returned here to be with my grandkids only. Their prior judging patterns never resolved for me despite time and healing. I stay alone now with hopes of leaving some day. It seems the judging patterns keep people justified and safe.
Yup and the narc mom played victim and used reactive abuse on me to convince the enablers I was a threat and they called the cops 2x on me. Then they had her go to family court to get an order of protection she knew was unnecessary so she vacated it. She told the cops both times she didn’t want me arrested it was an argument, but the second time she embellished the threat level and they wanted to arrest me but she talked them out of it.
From the depths of my soul, thank you Dr. 😭🙏🏻🕊️ you have helped me be able to articulate the abuse I somehow survived! I am eternally thankful for your videos ❤️🩷💝💖❤️
I'm thinking about childhood when listening to this video. At school... I was completely non reactive most of the time. I remember the teacher pulling my hair at the parent teacher meeting in front of my mom and then she made fun of my facial expression and mentioned my lack of reaction to my mom. I sat in her classroom when two girls were sitting beside me sharpening pencil crayons and stabbing me in the arms. I didn't react. I just sat there. I would sit there when kids were saying mean things and not respond. There were a lot of times I was non reactive. I was in flight a lot. Ran from someone regularly.
Unfortunately, more & more, I'm seeing and hearing of many deficiently trained therapists who are revictimizing the victim and create more harm than do any good. When will psychotherapy catch up to the narcissistic epidemic we're living in?? So 😥
When someone finally "freaks" out because theyre finally fed up dont even try to call them crazy. The craziest thing there is the fact that theyre even still talking to you ( the narcissist) at all. Dont create the negativity then try n bring a person down blaming them... "oh youre always so negative" ... Oh f*in PLEASE. lol. What a crap shoot. Oh and ❤ you Dr. Ramani right on!
The terms my wife likes to use for provoking a reaction from our kids was either "poking the bear" or "kicking the hornets nest". She'd then criticize them for being too emotional, too reactive, or say "You can't take a joke." (And laughing with the non-targeted kid about the 'joke' they played on the targeted kid). Years and years of therapy later, they still face issues in dealing with life.
Narcisists due to their inability to take accountability for their actions think that their problematic behaviour is a righteous reaction to someone else’s words or actions and they don’t see a need for change and they will not change. If we stay in relationships with them we must turn ourselves off, mildly or severely dissociate or numb ourselves completely. There’s no way for a healthy person to stay in a relationship with a narcissist long term and not to split. We must distance ourselves from those unhealthy individuals. We can change only ourselves and we have no rights to demand change from anyone else. We are all free.
My wife confessed a year-long affair.... but didn't want to get "beaten up" for it. After 2.5 years of this and other hideous narcissistic behaviour, and me trying to play a straight bat to it, I accidentally got very drunk and my composure disappeared...I let fly with my deepest, darkest thoughts and now she complains that I am the awful person
The instant you take a stand, you become the abuser. It is UNBELIEVEABLE how fast that happens. You try to erect your first ever boundary by learning the word no, but their refusal to accept it combined with the F5 tornado of irrational reasons triggers you to 'react'. Then use the 'narrative' of your 'reactions' to support their own victimhood. They take our own empathy and slash our hearts to bits with it.
I’ve not been in a narcissistic love relationship and I’ve never attended counseling. But, I’d probably follow my typical protocol, which would be to dismiss the dismissers and that would include the therapist. I can’t say I become confrontational, however. That would typically worsen the problem. That onlooker would still see you as the problem, while being utterly blind to a narcissist being disrespectful towards you. I’d treat it like I always have, where that outsider simply doesn’t know how outside they are, until they don’t see me anymore. And, if they like the narcissist enough, they can take them with them.
judgement comes from ignorance and it's very different than discernment so personally couldn't care less about the ignorant ones judging. I say go right ahead, karma never forgets our name, address, and what we put out~
Dr. Ramani I have suffered so many years with this constantly , I’m no longer with no narc , i don’t know to regulate my reaction at times , I’ve always being told you’re crazy . It’s put me in a state of confusion.
This sounds like my life in a nutshell. I always say that Wie to someone who tries to mugg me or hijack me cause I think all the pent up stuff will come out at once. Heaven help them.
i couldn't agree more. There is nothing more irritating than some very arrogant peeps who clearly aren't qualified to judge anyone, including themselves. It's as if they all have many things in common, one of which is, of course, how much they love the sound of their own voice, whilst obviously spewing utter drivel. They definitely need to be taught some respect, not to mention some manners. Again, I thank you for your wisdom, Dr. Ramani. 93/93
READ Pls Dr Ramani, I had a revelation about how to answer those who don't understand why I don't just go back and forget everything....so I was thinking about the Biblical character Joseph in Egypt, after he was finally safe and established, wealthy even, why didn't he go back? Didn't he miss his father? Didn't he love his homeland? Didn't he wonder if those brothers grew out of it? Yes, he probably did... but he chose to stay safe and Trust God.....for some reason it seems like if God wants them around, He can arrange it. If not, then why would anyone ask that of me?💜
Do the narcs ask the same stupid questions of which the answers they know over and over again just to provoke or gaslight you? I tend to react when he does that. When I ask him why he does not remember the answers and expect me to give the same answers over and over again, he replies: "you always create trouble" and "you're never happy", or "you are depressed." So tired of playing gray rock.
I managed to escape my first relationship at the age of 23. It was extremly abusive suddenly after 2 years. It was a very messy breakup. I go to therapy, I go to pschychiatrist. I am engaged now and I am terrified. Most of the time I lived alone, I never wanted to get married. I am 41, I still don't know. My fiance is understanding, and he is on the spectrum, he can't lie, neither do I. I think that is why I like/love him. But between these 2 relationships I dated. I was r..ed multiple times-I just called them "bad sex, and thought it is safer to go trough with it", I always felt I'm going to be killed by one of them. My therapist made me aware that I was r..ed, I always called them "bad, or very bad sex". One of it was so brutal, that I needed a lifesaving surgery. Ironic, I was so much more responsible when I was younger. Then it hit me, I think I was gaslihgting myself. I am still learning. I love you videos!❤ Thank you!!!
Been there! My ex husband always thought it was fun to shout right beside my ear. He did this in front of my family and I pushed him away and told him to stop….yet somehow I was the one in trouble!!
If I could just get my brain to believe the best action is no reaction. After years of abuse, I started believing a rant that went on and on was punishing him. Of course he sat back and watched my anguish and reveled in knowing he could get me to act insane. But still, doing nothing causes me to feel helpless and depressed. I keep on keeping on in trying to get over the narc abuse. I lived with a covert narc for decades. I am trying not to feel helpless and hopeless.
The narcissist will push and provoke you into reacting. But they will never reflect on their actions which caused you to react to them. They fail to see that they are the problem.
Yeap. Poke the Bear then blame the bear for reacting.
Yep. It’s so unfair when people you love don’t pay attention to how they treat you and then blame you for their treatment.
“They fail to see that they are the problem,” and they are persuasive in convincing others that YOU are the problem.
I need help with one thing now. My dad has many narcisstic traits, after 30 years me and my mom realized it, that his behavior is not healthy for us. It's long story of course but now I want to ask about one thing. My mom is sleeping in other room cause he threw her out of the bed they shared (because she went on sick leave even though he didn't agree 🤦🏼♀️) and he is in room with his very expensive equipment for listening to music ("now I will finally take care of myself") and plays music very loudly. He won't turn it down, even when he didn't treat her with silence he never did because "that's how you listen to music, you can't do that". What can we do? I'm sorry for asking but there are so many things which are broken here, I'm losing strength even though I haven't had it for years, I just want to help mom. We can't move out, we might not have enough money, I only have a pension, my mother doesn't earn very much. He listens to it during the day, at the latest until the quiet hours, but during the day, like Saturday or Sunday, mom also has the right to rest
That's called REACTIVE ABUSE.
Not reacting to them continuously makes us into block of wood who can't react to anything else happening in our lives.
That is a thing. Yep.
Yeah we become numbed. The scars run deep and consequently our skin gets thicker by necessity.
They have a problem even when we dont react and will do everything possible in their power to get us to react😒
Well said
Try to create yourself a separate life dead❤️
Narcissists will define any conflict as “you’re wrong I’m right” and anything the other person does which is even slightly negative will be used as a bludgeon to browbeat them into submission. The smallest foothold is all the narcissist needs to scale the mountain of complete denial
Exactly. And then when u tell them that, they laugh in your face and tell u "it's not about me being right, look at you, you're crazy! Haha". As the proceed to compete and poke at you.
INDEED 👍
Thank you for exposing this. I am going to share this a lot on Facebook. I spent 6 months in psych ward, suffering from bouts of severe derealization dissociation, and when I asked them about narcissistic abuse, they decided I had BPD and put me on risperidone, and setralin. I don't have BPD; i was being abused by a narcissistic boss and a narcissistic husband. I took myself of the drugs. I learned what I could do to change situations to avoid turning into a Zombie, every time I was angry and could not afford to express it.
@@WeissdornDE1 I empathize with you and what you went through. Keep realizing your power of knowing who you are. ❤️🤗
If you absolutely have to "deal" with a narc, I would recommend to keep firm bounderies, and keep your distance at the same time. As a second choose on how to deal with the narcissist I would
recommend keeping firm boundaries and also to correct them every time they missteps, lie, manipulates etz. When your boundaries are not respected by the narcissist, you need to follow through with consequenses of bad behaviour. You will have your hands full going forward this way. When following through with consequenses to their "re"actions, you explain to the narc, that you are not one of the narc's victims. You have no intentions of becoming one but will be a nuisance to the narcissist in a way that is irritating to him/her. This method is not risk free but narcissists will often choose the path of no or low resistance. This method is a time consuming path to chose. This route sometimes require more time than you would like to spend on these issues. You feel that distancing yourself all together would have been easier. That is however not always possible. Often there is no way to avoid him/her. You unfortunately have to deal with the narcissist because you are colleagues or close family. You must think through what you need the narcissist to respect and what arias of conflict you must pay extra attention to, to keep your integrity and to detect manipulative behavior. Be prepared and clear in your communication and stick to your guns. Try to stay under the radar as much as you can, even when this method is the best for you. A way that works as well is to play along with the narcissist and act like you agree with everything they do and say. This method works well until many people in the narcissists sphere do the same. When everyone agrees with the narcissist you are back on square one. The narcissist must have victims and this setting is no different. To go NO Contact is another good alternative and method, and is probably the best option when it is possible to cut all contact permanently. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire above private investigator cyberalbert394@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me.
The therapist that doesn't understand narcissistic abuse and they try to tell you that you're partly responsible.
Over the years therapist have done so much damage to survivors by delaying proper care and treatment by gaslighting them and enabling the narcissist.
@@sharicoburn5475 Worse than that, that therapist is court ordered and then crosses over into making custody recommendations in family court! This $#it is bananas!
@@ericgavidia291 One became the best friend of the narcissist ex-husband and thus did the full bidding in family court. It was a bloody mess.
So few actually get it😔 there needs to be way more therapists out there trained to recognize this personality.
@@masquarraUnforgivable!!
@@LOVEISTRUTH300true
I think I was better at standing up for others when I was young, than I was at standing up for myself.
I remember purposely acting dysregulated at times since I was very young. That was when I was trying to protect others. Shock can be good distraction. They looked at me like they weren't sure what they were seeing lol. It worked. Well... standing up for others that I loved at times. I didn't always. I've had purposely trying to look dysregulated for protection on my mind lately because of a video I saw and comments under another video where people mentioned doing the same type of thing to keep safe.
Empaths are very good at this! I think being a victim makes one relate to other's pain and makes you step up for someone defenseless
It's also scary seeing someone you love being attacked when you're young... whether that's verbally or physically. Or the threat of something physical.
Me too. It's strange. I'd jump into anything to defend someone else. For me, I'd be completely unprepared, scared, even run away. 🙄
It's as if we are not allowed to have normal reactions to their shitty/unreasonable behavior. It's maddening. And that creepy blank look they have when you are having a normal reaction to them, wtf?
Gracious I just flashed the look my ex husband and family would do to me. You are right correct! Like they are resetting and loading data in their bloody demon heads.
@masquarra yes! It's like you are in the damn Twilight Zone! These types will drive you insane for being a reasonable human being!
@@KC-ns9dothey make you pay a high bloody price for being that! Even though that is what they demand and sought in the first place. We are prey to these demons
@@masquarra Exactly 💯 👏
THIS....
The narcissist is a master at continuing to push the right buttons until you react. However, silence, ignoring them, doing some chore only enrages them more. The healthier person is between the devil and the deep blue sea. To react or not to react will not change the abuse.
You are absolutely right in what you say.
If you are not reacting the way they want when they are provoking and abusing you, they up the ante and get more aggressive and cruel whether it's verbally or physically, or both.
After a severe narcissistic relationship I began being hypersensitive at work. It wasn’t good. It bleeds out into other environments.
I've noticed the same thing recently.
How did you manage it? Or haven't you done that yet?
Yes, it will come out one way or another. It's really important to be yourself.
@basantidevi2305 When I learned about narcissistic personalities, I started noticing more red flags in my personal and professional relationships. This knowledge has changed my life.
That lady was me for YEARS! I now recognize my narcissistic husband for what he is. His 'jokes' always bothered me but I couldn't put it into words as to why because people would look at me & say he laughed it was a joke. Somehow I knew those jokes weren't jokes they were threats or digs aimed at me...thanks for your timely words. You have helped me keep my sanity.
He was 'Dog-whistling'.
@AuntyE-yq5rh, "Jokes" can be passive aggression. We were once out with a couple for dinner who were known to be having marital problems. As we were leaving the restaurant, the husband held her coat for her to put it on. As she was reaching her arm into the coat, he dropped it on the floor. He said, "Your coat seems to be on the floor." and started laughing. "Why don't you pick it up?" he said, still laughing. No one else was laughing. We don't contact them anymore, but it doesn't seem fair to the wife, who we liked, and she liked us. We just decided we didn't want any more of the kind of an evening that would leave us with indigestion and a headache! I'm sorry if you're having to deal with similar "humor". Hang on to your sanity, because it's not only you who has had this happen.❤
My narcissist mil would smile when I lost it. She has passed away since 2021 age 93 and I still shiver when I think of that smirky smile and the one raised eye brow. These videos are helping to heal me …age 75.
Dealing with this atm (93 y.o. too). They get worse with age. The smirk....yep!
If you absolutely have to "deal" with a narc, I would recommend to keep firm bounderies, and keep your distance at the same time. As a second choose on how to deal with the narcissist I would
recommend keeping firm boundaries and also to correct them every time they missteps, lie, manipulates etz. When your boundaries are not respected by the narcissist, you need to follow through with consequenses of bad behaviour. You will have your hands full going forward this way. When following through with consequenses to their "re"actions, you explain to the narc, that you are not one of the narc's victims. You have no intentions of becoming one but will be a nuisance to the narcissist in a way that is irritating to him/her. This method is not risk free but narcissists will often choose the path of no or low resistance. This method is a time consuming path to chose. This route sometimes require more time than you would like to spend on these issues. You feel that distancing yourself all together would have been easier. That is however not always possible. Often there is no way to avoid him/her. You unfortunately have to deal with the narcissist because you are colleagues or close family. You must think through what you need the narcissist to respect and what arias of conflict you must pay extra attention to, to keep your integrity and to detect manipulative behavior. Be prepared and clear in your communication and stick to your guns. Try to stay under the radar as much as you can, even when this method is the best for you. A way that works as well is to play along with the narcissist and act like you agree with everything they do and say. This method works well until many people in the narcissists sphere do the same. When everyone agrees with the narcissist you are back on square one. The narcissist must have victims and this setting is no different. To go NO Contact is another good alternative and method, and is probably the best option when it is possible to cut all contact permanently. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire above private investigator cyberalbert394@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me.
I still can be triggered by the mere thought of the evil smirk! Pure evil satisfaction 😢
I also have a 93 year old narcissistic MIL (today was her birthday). She is pure evil, manipulates and takes advantage of everyone around her and complains about her life that is utterly perfect. She is the only one person in this world that I truly hate.
Can't tell you how many times people have done this to me. There was this guy I encountered at a job several years ago who basically told me I can't let ANYTHING bad affect me, ever. Apparently we're just supposed to float through life, untouched by everything. And in general I find that people don't care at all what was done to me and they'll give the abuser a free pass but then demonize and blame me for the UTTER SIN of reacting which is apparently so much worse than abusing people in the first place. It's backwards and I honestly hate society.
I hear you it's total crap sometimes
@@Simbaholic I hear that about society. I definitely go through phases when I'm disgusted with humanity. The selfishness, immaturity, and utter lack of accountability. Most especially from those in positions of power or authority whose job it is to help and advocate for those that really need it. Vis-a-vis family court.
Appreciate your breakdown of this couple's dynamic. Death by a 1000 paper cuts. 😮
I once asked a client who was going through something similar, "What would make you leave?" ...and it really gave her pause and she thought long and hard about it. It wasn't to judge her; it was help her navigate her options and if/when to apply them.
That’s a great exercise to help someone realise that they actually have no boundaries 😅 scary I used to be like that
Thank you Dr. Ramani for identifying that it is 'normal to have a reaction' to the abuse of a Narcissist, and explaining about the iceberg and the 'tip' of said iceberg that most people see, separate from the entire experience of interacting with these personality types.
Love your insight, hate the choices. Living empty and numb isn't a life, it's just existing. Hating them for what they can't be is a waste of time. The only choice is to overcome the fear not of them, of yourself. When you're told basically you're a piece of crap all your life, it's hard to believe you're not, you will fail. God give us all strength to defeat fear. We all deserve to FEEL life, love,and joy. It is what seperates us from them.
Agreed. Using Gray rock for example, should be temporary. Only survive tool while you are planning your exit of this relationship.
I understand this woman. Live in hope, die in despair. The hope that I could fix it propelled me forward. The narcissists in my life (and there have been many) spent a hell of a lot less time thinking about me than I did about them.
This realization has helped me a lot in disengaging from emotional manipulation by making me feel bad for the abusers and pitying them. They change from one moment to another, suddenly laughing and happy again, whereas I ruminate for days or even months, feeling ashamed and guilty. Now, I know that I have also the right to be happy and enjoy my life. 😊
@harryheine1212 Rumination is my middle name. I cannot tell you how many hours I have wasted trying to figure out what I did wrong while nobody was even thinking about me. It is a very hard habit to break but with Dr. Ramani's guidance I am optimistic for us all. Do not give in to the lies and manipulations!
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, bairepersons I have a similar experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction, and mushrooms have significantly contributed to my recovery and being clean today.
I wish those were more easily accessible where I live.
Microdosing was my next step for my husband. He's 59 & dealing with lots of mental health challenges, possible CTE & a TBI that put him in a coma for 8 days. Unfortunately, I had to get a TPO since he's 6'6, over 300 pounds, and showing violent behavior, constantly talking about harming others. He's aggressive. To anyone reading this, if you're familiar with BPD, is it common to have an obsession with violence?
Is he on instagram?
bairepersons is the man
This is such an excellent description of the exponential abuse that occurs the longer you are around a narc. It's like everyone else becomes a satellite abuser. And the fact that few others in your world will give you the benefit of the doubt, ask themselves and you why you'd have that reaction, is shocking.
This is absolutely the truth! Thanks for sharing this information Dr. Ramani. So many times I have felt guilt and shame for reacting to the relentless abuse that my narcissist inflicts on me. It's such a harrowing experience, no human being should be expected to endure.
including yourself, you are worthy, you are enough.
I've been listening to Dr Ramani interviews all morning. Thank you Dr Ramani. 🌹
Me too😂😂😂...and all week😂😂😂
@Houstonwehaveaprob1 💯🙌🏼
OMGGGGG!!!!!!! YESSS this is my life. I just counted all the narcissists in my life -12... and I still try to keep it together and it's pushing me to my limit... Thank you Dr. Raman!❤👍 You keep me sane!❤
My teenage kids are so used to me not reacting that when I carefully choose to have a reaction about something they all criticize me about not keeping the peace. And they all know he is the problem. It goes to show that what they get accustomed to is their normal and that boxes you in more and when you react it plays into abusers accusations of ‘you’re the problem’. As Dr Ramini says, you can’t win.
Because they're also being abused, and they are not adults who can have any agency or control at all. It's up to you - or the authorities if the situation escalates.
Oh my gosh. U understand me. This happens to me as well. They even admit he’s the problem but know I’m the better person and have to eat it everytime.
I had a 3 day headache after spending New years eve with my narc mom (and I didn't drink any Alkohol lol). It does affect us no matter how "strong" we are
TOXIC is TOXIC ! We can't Not be affected ! Getting Out Alive and as UnScathed as Possible is the hope. Our desperate Sheer pure Primal Survival becomes becomes their ' game'. Don't walk away, RUN !!! DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THEM AS POSSIBLE and Protect yourself and your Loved ones ! Learn Survival Skills of dealing with these people while protrotecting yourselves and your Loved ones !
I feel compelled again to thank you for all the work you are doing. At 71 I am finally feeling free of my demons that have haunted me my entire life. I actually have some peace of mind, understand my life in a way I never have in the past and feel free. You are truly a God sent. To the younger people - do not waste time on narcissists. You will never understand them, heal them or get even your most basic needs met by these people. Trust me I spent 67 years trying. The phrase "If only I try ... was my mantra. Let them go and get on with your life.
I love the yellow hippie shirt!! I stayed closed all my life. There’s one narcissist I refuse to even be in the same room with her. Being educated on the narcissist now and realizing what happened to me. My wounds are still fresh. I get horribly uncomfortable.
An adult acting as they are center of universe doesn't look any less than a demon. They are toddlers when manging their behaviour but demon when their ego is injured.
They are demons, disguised as children or angels sometimes
Amen, Amen!!!
I became numb for years after moving in with my partner and finding very early that he was a narcissist. After watching your videos, at first to understand my parents narcissistic behaviour, I then realised that my partner was too. Because I had grown up in a house with two narcissist parents my partners behaviour seemed normal to me. I have completely lost myself and it’s only in the last 7 months I’ve started to feel emotions again. It’s extremely hard and scary but I’m working at leaving and starting over on my own. I’m terrified and disabled with a chronic illness but surely life alone is better than living as I am now and possibly my chronic illness will get better not worse as it’s exhausting living with him.
They suck your life force out of you. Sometimes they can predict you r about to leave them so theyll make you feel worse so that you ll feel you cant live on your own without them. In all of my narc situations i only wish i left them earlier, and even though i realize i had my reasons to postpone that i still feel i should have left early on.
I've heard that there is some study showing that health improves after leaving an unhealthy relationship
@@yuu_miran I left last July and was put in emergency housing by our local authority but after 4 days I went back to him as I felt I couldn’t cope on my own because of my chronic illness as he is my carer and he had worn me down so much I felt I couldn’t cope with anything alone. Before I moved in with him I lived on my own raising my daughter and had confidence and could cope with life. Now I have no confidence and have deteriorated to being housebound majority of the time and controlled by him. He also controls me financially. To people outside the home it looks like he is being a loving partner taking care of me but in reality he controls every aspect of my life.
@@jessiejohnson1208 I hope so 🤞
It’s the 99% of time that we are numb and disconnected just to survive, and then the 1% when we react (which was provoked by reactive abuse) that we feel overwhelming guilt and shame. We get blamed and shamed for being unhinged! We then realize that either state of being that we live in, dissociative or reactive, is destroying us day by day. Once we can get out we have to rebuild ourselves. 🥰
I'm always so relieved the holiday season is over. I can go back to little or no contact.
Brilliant. It's so important to visit the subtle nuances of these issues because this gaslighting on steroids can be very hard to see for ourselves. Thank you!
The worst is when the narcissists try to make us feel
like:
1) We are the ones with the anger issues
2) We must be depressed
3) We are the ones that are the real narcissist!
4) We must have oppositional defiance disorder.
5) We are emotionally disturbed.
6) We can not be trusted
7) We suffer from mental health issues
8) We must be on the "spectrum" (Autism).
9) We must have suffered childhood abuse or trauma.
These are used by the narcissist to destabilize otherwise healthy individuals.
.
Plus being told, "...take a deep breath.. you're too Sensitive! It was a joke.."
OMG, YES! What's worse is family court judges will lump you in with the Narc and punish you for having a reaction to the insanity. Then family court exponentially increases the urge to react adding to the already severe CPTSD.
Oh my gosh…you absolutely described my whole life with my husband! I don’t know how many times my husband would tell me…”If you just shut up and listen to me, things would get better”. I kept my mouth shut until 3 years ago when I started therapy and learned he had a narcissistic personality. We will be together this month 58 years. I came from a broken home, and I didn’t want to put my kids through that. But, I learned children can be resilient. Oh how I wished I’d of left YEARS ago! My mom told me many times that I was losing myself…
I have to say these videos have changed my life for the better! More than words can say🙏🏼
Until three years ago I didn’t know what a narcissist was. The digs and subtle put downs disguised as jokes. Oh you’re too sensitive etc….
The narcissist pushed me and provoked me after multiple betrayals and in the final months of our relationship he finally discarded me in front of his family after promises that he’ll change. I was painted as having anger problems and unhinged. And all the things he did were erased. I’ll never go back. I left him in 2024 and did the work to take my life back.
So, I evolved into two personalities. One, my real self, cheerful, social, open and empathetic (with my trusted family and friends), the other, my false self, stoic, closed, quiet (when with the narcissists in my life).
I feel so free now that there's only one narcissist I use my "false" self with. 🥴
I forgot how to smile when I was married to him. He was an old man at 23!......
It's Fantastic Fabulous Fun. .keep doing it. .it's sooo funny. Having SPILT TWO FACE life....public. private. Enjoy
YES!! RIght on target, and thank you for clarifying this part of the horrible cycle of narcissism, too!
I believe the key is to detach psychologically and emotionally- for real! Get healed to the level of absolute indifference!
I have to tell you that I am still married, but have been no contact since I understood he was a Cover N almost three years ago. I went silent! I made part of my house my own.
And crazy enough: He walks on egg shells, and don’t dare to go into my part.
When something needs fixing, I write a note. Guess what? He does whatever is needed asap. It is CRAZY!! In 32 years of marriage this was never ever the case. I did almost everything and paid for almost everything. Now, not a penny! And still he stays.
narcissists understand only strength and total genuine indifference. Unbelievable really
How are you handling living in same house? I have been doing that too and it’s killing me even more.. just his energy affects me. I have no where to go and can’t afford an appointment and he will not leave the house. I avoid being at the house when he is home, we don’t speak, not sleep in same room. I filed for divorce but it’s been on hold because I can not afford the attorney and he will not compromise about our “house”.
@@jasmine3416 remember:
When you reach the highest point of healing you become totally indifferent to him!!!! I didn’t think it was possible for me to become indifferent to what was the love of my life - but I did it, so can you!
Stay home in “your part” when you want. Don’t walk out! Confront him without saying a word. Go to the room, lock your door. REDECORATE your room, by some lights, plants whatever u can afford to make your part Cozy. It will hurt as hell for months - but I hope the steps above will help you through
@jasmine: I replied, but can not see my comments. Can you???
@@Lailat854no I can’t see it:(
@@jasmine3416My sincere sympathy. I hope you lose him suddenly....
WOW, did this resinate! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. This is exactly what I needed this morning! 🥰
It's like animals in the wild. They're always in survival mode b/c they never know from where or when the predator will attack.
Dear Dr Ramani. You just described my life to a T.
Thank you so much for the valuable information you share with us “ survivors “and which
makes life bearable 💕🙏
Stay blessed always 🙏😊💐🤗🌻
I totally agree Dr Ramini.
I was becoming a shadow of my former self as I didn't want the constant conflict if I disagreed with him .
There were times I was completely exhausted from 'helping' him in his business....I wanted/ needed to rest....but he would make me feel guilty to WANT to go home and be with my family. I therefore complied....staying out to appease him, and the expenses of my own needs.
I'm away from him now, slowly healing after a discard which came out of the blue. I suppose I was so worn out that he needed new supply.
We need to realise that giving in to THEM and THEIR wants are detrimental to our own wellbeing .
I saw my mom's hopelessness. That's what I haven't been comfortable sharing about in the full context.
This video it's so necessary. And we only have you Dr Ramani to help us. I can tell in my country no Psychologist is teached about narcissism and they can't identify it
Grey rock, yellow rock, no contact all end up triggering chase responses and you end up right back to "suck it up is the only thing you're allowed"....
YES!
Can you tell me more about the chase response you note being triggered? I think I may have noticed a similar pattern when I don't try to resolve an issue with them or try and "make peace" which seems to make them worse.
@Houstonwehaveaprob1 Jesus is the answer. Prayer and asking God for strength. Get a Bible start going to church get yourself another activities.
@@Houstonwehaveaprob1 Attempting to "make peace" seems to be interpreted as "I won" basically. So all previous gaslighting and lying and manipulation and flying monkeys and harassment and so on ends up being "justified" in their mind and so they keep right on doing it, or maybe even escalate so that you "understand" that "they were right to do what they did".
Yes, everything only triggers them, they start stalking, plotting revenge etc and they never seem to cool down. For some people this life has become a survival race who outlives whom and even after some of them go, new other come in even if you stick to all the rules and see them almost right away. It seems like a lifetime curse thats impossible to break.
Such an accurate characterization of the dynamic-- imagine it in the context of a narcississtic parent, stepparent, and half sibling.
Step adult child
Hey Dr Ramani ❤ thank you so much for your videos ❤
Indeed, listening to her sounds a lot like my internal dialogue of the past 30 or so years, turns out I was a lot less "crazy" than I was led to believe all these years.
This is so true! My mom did this to me as I was growing up. Once people began to meet me, I think they understood that my mom was crazy and some even stopped talking to her.
I was so tired of every single minute of every single day with him. The amount of strength needed to not react when my feelings and needs were dismissed was unfathomable. 🍒
They are not fooled, they enjoy the show. In some twisted way it makes them feel superior. Most people are just little demons in meat suits, family included....
You nailed it!
Now I know why my sweet grandfather would make a certain speech sound when he saw me get upset at someone’s words and behavior. He knew it would do no good to say anything. Narcissists fit the “object” description they make of humans. They are actually the object.
Lovely wordings, Doc.."The tips of the iceberg.." that sunk the Titantic ship 🚢..Period..
So helpful….the million shades of gray - of going gray rock - or numb?
You are such a gifted teacher and unpacker of all this dark, venomous stuff.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani. It sounds like you have the sniffles…..Hope you feel better soon. I know you are wary of complimentary people, but I think you look lovely in that tulip shade of yellow. God bless you in 2025. As always, thank you for your ongoing ministerial and scientific healing messages. 💜✝☮✝💜✝☮✝💜
We've never met, but I often think I'm the client that you're describing. The way you describe the situation is what convinces me that I'm not imagining the situation but that I am indeed in a narcissistic relationship when my inner self asks me, "Are you SURE?"
Yes, the therapist did not call out ex vulnerable narcissist. I walked out and ended therapy. Narc is supported by naive therapist, very typical. Couples therapy with them is dangerous.
AGREE !!
Bait and Switch stupid tactics WILL NEVER ENDS ..Period..
Tell me as many lies as you dare. Just don't tell me, you love me.
Thank you Dr. Ramani 💜
Yeah my biological mother would tell me that I’m hotheaded because she and my biological grandma never wanted to take responsibility for their hostility towards me!!!
My narcissistic dad said some horrible things to me. After several weeks of me ignoring his texts, he said "it seems like you're mad about something." When I reminded him of the things he said, he denied saying them, and was shocked I was accusing him of saying such horrible things. After ignoring him again, he said "Now that I think of it, maybe I did say those things. You don't lie, but I just don't remember it. So, if I did, I'm very sorry." Pathetic. Then, he told me I need to lighten up
Can relate
Thank you Dr Ramani! As a very very young child, I somehow understood that my temperament and key family members who display NPD traits were a mismatch! They have a knack for leveraging basic everyday interactions for their benefit against everyone around them! My position, if there are interactions have them with witnesses, pretty much respond with blinking, then continue with my life!
this is such an important video for people who deal with dismissive people ... narcissists try to do this to get you seeking their approval like as if they're the one's in control ... i would dismiss them in return
Thank you Dr. Ramani for this talk on how one can get tired of being judged on their reactions from the narcissist's offensive behavior to them. It is clear to me that narcissists are subtly clever who deploy these tactics to objectify one whom they deem lesser than and their subject.Many times when one has been healing from being ignored, destabilized, decentralized and in a crucible of vulnerabilty in society, the narcissist takes advantage of that one through clever and manipulative tactics that offsets the vulnerable one. However, the law of reciprocity is the law of the universe. It would behoove narcissists to stop doing what their seared conscience dictates to them to do and take account of their actions, for this law will overtake them. You cannot do wrong to another person, setting into motion the law of reciprocity - law of sowing and reaping. The narcissist ought to understand that, and get help. Thank you for this knowledge. It is very necessary in these times in which we live.
Frick, it was years & years. Starting with my father. Back in the 70s & 80s we never questioned our parents methods of parenting. It was a usual treatment from my entire family. I was the youngest & the scapegoat...although my sibs negatively accused me of being the "Golden child". I knew they hated me, but wasn't allowed to tell an adult for help. I was only accused of whining, or tired and was sent to bed. I didn't know a thing about emotional regulation or even compassion and empathy. I've always struggled with expression and would cry. Never feeling heard, validated or loved.
I ended up attracting the same type of man as my father. Distant, cold, and just not caring. After a lifetime of Narcissistic behvaours from family and partners, my fight or flight went into overdrive & i developed Scleroderma and other autoimmune issues.
So sorry 😢 I lived this movie too, in those "good ol days". . never allowed to say anything. Distant parent always got rid of the 'problem' by sending me to bed, anytime of day!
There's more awareness these days, but still not enough 💜🕊️💪
I also developed autoimmune disease. At age 12 I couldn't walk. Only after many years, I escaped and moved far, far away. W/ in one year I was off all meds--and have stayed very healthy. Worked for me. Wish everyone could do that.
Baiting. Over and over and over, until I became "the Angry One." Once you get those capital letters, that's it, you are no longer allowed to be angry.
The infuriating part is that everyone kept asking _me_ if I could "do something to get him to stop being such an a** hole."
They dont want you to be even an ounce of happy and they laugh when you're sad or angry💔
I learned the skills and used words I had learned and words he had never heard or used. Now he uses the words like gaslighting and deflection against me. All I have learned to protect myself he uses and is very smug about his newfound vocabulary. If I challenge him about his abusive behavior he accuses me of gaslighting him, a word he learned from me. Has anyone else had this problem?
Where I live, judging someone is the common way of life.Before my healing journey, I wasn’t at my best and I was judged. I returned here to be with my grandkids only. Their prior judging patterns never resolved for me despite time and healing. I stay alone now with hopes of leaving some day. It seems the judging patterns keep people justified and safe.
Yup and the narc mom played victim and used reactive abuse on me to convince the enablers I was a threat and they called the cops 2x on me. Then they had her go to family court to get an order of protection she knew was unnecessary so she vacated it. She told the cops both times she didn’t want me arrested it was an argument, but the second time she embellished the threat level and they wanted to arrest me but she talked them out of it.
I grew up that way. I thought it was called "family values."
From the depths of my soul, thank you Dr. 😭🙏🏻🕊️ you have helped me be able to articulate the abuse I somehow survived! I am eternally thankful for your videos ❤️🩷💝💖❤️
I'm thinking about childhood when listening to this video. At school... I was completely non reactive most of the time. I remember the teacher pulling my hair at the parent teacher meeting in front of my mom and then she made fun of my facial expression and mentioned my lack of reaction to my mom. I sat in her classroom when two girls were sitting beside me sharpening pencil crayons and stabbing me in the arms. I didn't react. I just sat there. I would sit there when kids were saying mean things and not respond. There were a lot of times I was non reactive. I was in flight a lot. Ran from someone regularly.
Since blocking my narcissistic father, I have been repeatedly approached by "religious" friends/family about mediating or "honoring your father" crap.
Yikes those in society knowing best-not🤨
Thank you Doctor!! I’m in the middle of a sh!t storm!!
If not for the children, I would be looooooong gone!!!
You are SO pretty 😍- I ❤your hair and makeup. Always loved your expressions- you are so expressive!❤️🌹
You have so many great videos, but this seems like one of the very best of yours I have seen. thank you so much 💚
Unfortunately, more & more, I'm seeing and hearing of many deficiently trained therapists who are revictimizing the victim and create more harm than do any good. When will psychotherapy catch up to the narcissistic epidemic we're living in?? So 😥
That's very sad. Even the healer is also have narcissistic tendency.
When someone finally "freaks" out because theyre finally fed up dont even try to call them crazy. The craziest thing there is the fact that theyre even still talking to you ( the narcissist) at all. Dont create the negativity then try n bring a person down blaming them... "oh youre always so negative" ... Oh f*in PLEASE. lol. What a crap shoot. Oh and ❤ you Dr. Ramani right on!
I am very grateful for this video, thank you
The terms my wife likes to use for provoking a reaction from our kids was either "poking the bear" or "kicking the hornets nest". She'd then criticize them for being too emotional, too reactive, or say "You can't take a joke." (And laughing with the non-targeted kid about the 'joke' they played on the targeted kid).
Years and years of therapy later, they still face issues in dealing with life.
So mean, so sick. Especially with kids. It's hurtful enough when it comes from an adult sibling. Deeply destructive
Yes 💯... I was so oppressed making me feel like I was wrong
Narcisists due to their inability to take accountability for their actions think that their problematic behaviour is a righteous reaction to someone else’s words or actions and they don’t see a need for change and they will not change. If we stay in relationships with them we must turn ourselves off, mildly or severely dissociate or numb ourselves completely. There’s no way for a healthy person to stay in a relationship with a narcissist long term and not to split. We must distance ourselves from those unhealthy individuals. We can change only ourselves and we have no rights to demand change from anyone else. We are all free.
My wife confessed a year-long affair.... but didn't want to get "beaten up" for it. After 2.5 years of this and other hideous narcissistic behaviour, and me trying to play a straight bat to it, I accidentally got very drunk and my composure disappeared...I let fly with my deepest, darkest thoughts and now she complains that I am the awful person
The instant you take a stand, you become the abuser. It is UNBELIEVEABLE how fast that happens. You try to erect your first ever boundary by learning the word no, but their refusal to accept it combined with the F5 tornado of irrational reasons triggers you to 'react'. Then use the 'narrative' of your 'reactions' to support their own victimhood.
They take our own empathy and slash our hearts to bits with it.
I’ve not been in a narcissistic love relationship and I’ve never attended counseling. But, I’d probably follow my typical protocol, which would be to dismiss the dismissers and that would include the therapist. I can’t say I become confrontational, however. That would typically worsen the problem. That onlooker would still see you as the problem, while being utterly blind to a narcissist being disrespectful towards you. I’d treat it like I always have, where that outsider simply doesn’t know how outside they are, until they don’t see me anymore. And, if they like the narcissist enough, they can take them with them.
Thank you Love, you are doing the work of God. Saying that as an atheist.
judgement comes from ignorance and it's very different than discernment so personally couldn't care less about the ignorant ones judging. I say go right ahead, karma never forgets our name, address, and what we put out~
Dr. Ramani I have suffered so many years with this constantly , I’m no longer with no narc , i don’t know to regulate my reaction at times , I’ve always being told you’re crazy . It’s put me in a state of confusion.
This sounds like my life in a nutshell. I always say that Wie to someone who tries to mugg me or hijack me cause I think all the pent up stuff will come out at once. Heaven help them.
i couldn't agree more. There is nothing more irritating than some very arrogant peeps who clearly aren't qualified to judge anyone, including themselves.
It's as if they all have many things in common, one of which is, of course, how much they love the sound of their own voice, whilst obviously spewing utter drivel.
They definitely need to be taught some respect, not to mention some manners.
Again, I thank you for your wisdom, Dr. Ramani.
93/93
Thank you Dr Ramani, 100% exactly how they behave. Totally hollow.
READ Pls Dr Ramani, I had a revelation about how to answer those who don't understand why I don't just go back and forget everything....so I was thinking about the Biblical character Joseph in Egypt, after he was finally safe and established, wealthy even, why didn't he go back? Didn't he miss his father? Didn't he love his homeland? Didn't he wonder if those brothers grew out of it? Yes, he probably did... but he chose to stay safe and Trust God.....for some reason it seems like if God wants them around, He can arrange it. If not, then why would anyone ask that of me?💜
I remember.. something or saw a movie..He does see his family later and he helps some of them?.
Reactive abuse is a thing
Do the narcs ask the same stupid questions of which the answers they know over and over again just to provoke or gaslight you? I tend to react when he does that. When I ask him why he does not remember the answers and expect me to give the same answers over and over again, he replies: "you always create trouble" and "you're never happy", or "you are depressed." So tired of playing gray rock.
I managed to escape my first relationship at the age of 23. It was extremly abusive suddenly after 2 years. It was a very messy breakup. I go to therapy, I go to pschychiatrist. I am engaged now and I am terrified. Most of the time I lived alone, I never wanted to get married. I am 41, I still don't know. My fiance is understanding, and he is on the spectrum, he can't lie, neither do I. I think that is why I like/love him.
But between these 2 relationships I dated. I was r..ed multiple times-I just called them "bad sex, and thought it is safer to go trough with it", I always felt I'm going to be killed by one of them.
My therapist made me aware that I was r..ed, I always called them "bad, or very bad sex". One of it was so brutal, that I needed a lifesaving surgery. Ironic, I was so much more responsible when I was younger.
Then it hit me, I think I was gaslihgting myself. I am still learning. I love you videos!❤ Thank you!!!
Been there! My ex husband always thought it was fun to shout right beside my ear. He did this in front of my family and I pushed him away and told him to stop….yet somehow I was the one in trouble!!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That is so abusive.
Countless times..Period..
If I could just get my brain to believe the best action is no reaction. After years of abuse, I started believing a rant that went on and on was punishing him. Of course he sat back and watched my anguish and reveled in knowing he could get me to act insane. But still, doing nothing causes me to feel helpless and depressed. I keep on keeping on in trying to get over the narc abuse. I lived with a covert narc for decades. I am trying not to feel helpless and hopeless.