That end scene was like, "see you just need to talk with your partner and set boundaries and you won't be abused". Sooooo easy, and I was like yeah in an movie perhaps but not real life 😠
I hated it too. I turned to my mom at the end and said this isn't the end of the movie, this is literally just the beginning. Co-parenting with someone like that is frankly a lifelong nightmare with the child either triangulated in the middle or used as narcissistic fodder
I made this mistake back in 2019. The lockdown started soon after and it has been hell ever since. In my defense, I didn’t know how bad it was until divorce was mentioned. It has taken this whole time since then to regroup. Take two will be much, much quieter. Prayers to everyone escaping.
I loathed that movie. They left out all of the important stuff like his gaslighting, devaluing, and silent treatments, just to name a few. Agreed that they nailed love bombing. I think it did a great disservice to narcissistic abuse survivor's that don't have physical marks. Also, her successfully leaving the first time annoyed me. Not everyone has a hot unicorn dude to help her. Not to mention the money, successful business, and friend and family support. Finally, the sad story that validates the abuser and martyrs him. The final scene is such BS it made me scream at my TV! terrible movie for DOMESTIC ABUSE PURE FICTION!- 33 year survivor
I cannot stomach a Blake Lively movie, but based on what you said, it sounds like this may have somewhat romanticized what it's like to be a survivor, maybe even something like a subtle 50-shades of grey. Sometimes it seems like Hollywood should just stop trying to speak for survivors.
I wish I could award bonus points for "hot unicorn dude"... I was almost sick to my stomach when she handed him the newborn. I was sooo scared he would kill the child right in front of her.
@CenterWomen4B Exactly. It gave her all the control an abused woman wished she could have. They didn't even tell us she was abused until a flashback sequence. Why do that? If it's about domestic abuse, show how ugly it is. They made it all pretty and very confusing. I'm not a Blake Lively fan either, especially since she had a platform to discuss domestic abuse and she chose not to. Shame on her. Someone revoke her girl card.
I started sobbing after she asked for a divorce and he walked away without an argument, on the inside I was howling “I wish it was that easy… it’s NOT!!!”
So true!! Im in a homeless shelter, long story short. I wish they would have shown that side of it, also how the mom said she didnt leave because it was easier to stay. I. Wish they would have pointed out the fear of leaving. The times i left my abusers, i had to sneak out and leave when they wernt there. Him and my “mother” were teamed up to send me to the mental institution because i was “crazy.” I love that you put your point of view on the movie, you hit very good points i completley agree with you. Also, you straight up saved me i think i have watched all of your videos😂 and im finally free! I may be in a homeless shelter- but with your help im finally free. Well physically anyway… still alot of work to do with my therapist to free myself psychologically.
Hello, I read your comment and I want to say 'Good for you!!" Right on for getting away from the abuser and in a shelter! I have a friend who've been abused by her ex husband for many years. I tried to get her into a women's shelter and she basically makes tons of excuses not to go to one. I think you're amazing for taking that step and saving yourself. You will thrive.
Yep my mother did the same for years telling to stay because she didn’t want to help me . I found out she was a narcissist too later both gaslighting me until I thought I was crazy . I didn’t even trust my own body.
Even a serial killer doesn’t kill someone every day. It took me attending 1 meeting of a group of domestic violence survivors made me leave for good and not look back
My abusive ex made everyone hate me when I left him, he made it up as if I was the problem. I wish I had support when I needed it, but everyone around me just conveniently stepped away from the situation…
Spot on Dr Ramani. The support is everything. The lack of support, financial and kids and continuous abuse both physical and mental by the ex make it nearly impossible to leave safely
Every time I left, my family sent me back to my successful, incredibly fit handsome ex. People made me feel like I wasn’t going to do better or that it wasn’t as bad as it appeared that all relationships have problems and I always went back. I finally got away, but it took a lot.
I tried to leave and went to my mom's house, and she let him in when I was hiding in the back. She also would pretend to hang up on him and let him listen to our conversations.
I had the same issues with the movie. No raging-narc is going to walk away quietly like the abusive doctor did in this movie. He would have demanded to have custody/visitation with his newborn and tried to force the florist mom to stay with him. The sister would have sided with her damaged brother in real life as well. The movie fell apart for me since it was so unbelievable towards the end.
Spot on. It took me years and a very strong restraining order that took three tries in court to get to finally leave for good. He became violent and had refused to leave before I got the move out order. Since the violence was only towards furniture and not me within 180 days of the court hearing, it took a lot of convincing for the judge to make a decision. I had cameras set up all around the house which I used as evidence. Both of my parents discouraged and even guilted me for leaving. I was unemployed at the time. Thankfully, I was also almost 5 years sober and had built a strong support system around me and my kids. I already had full custody since we were already divorced a few years prior and he didn't have a leg to stand on. It didn't matter that his family was against me because I had already moved away from them. Leaving an abuser is a terrifying battle. There really needs to be more legitimate counseling and support available.
Ironically,the same people who’ve said that to me, I found later, were even less assertive than me in their relationships.. it’s easy to throw rocks when you don’t live in a glass castle..
I keep seeing movies (and even Ted Lasso) where after an honest conversation, tada! The narcissist sees the error of their ways and becomes a nice person to be around. I think people without narcissists in their lives (or even therapy websites) think this is how it actually works. "Just talk to them.". (To anyone experiencing an abusive family member - take care of you.)
I think they wanted to make the female be a hero. They wanted her to put her abuser in his place. They wanted to show how she "took control" and "won" in the end. In reality, you never get any of that. The only thing you can "win" at is getting out with your life. That movie REALLY missed the mark.
Dr. Ramani, I want to thank you with my WHOLE heart for your efforts. This has been the year of epiphany for me. Sixty six years old, how sad is that? To discover your life wasn't what you thought, and that 2 plus 2 doesn't equal 4 with narcs. They live by their own sad, scared rules of life. God bless this world.
I've not seen the film, only one scene (the "what would you tell if it was your daughter" scene and I was done there right away, what a sugarcoated crap), but if I want to remind myself how I felt when I was in an abusive relationship with a narc (including my parent), I revisit the classic movie "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman. What an old movie, and what an amazingly and painfully spot on depiction of REAL narcissistic abuse.
Excellent points Dr. Ramani. Narcissistic abuse never ends unless you go no contact. People are mislead by movies. It’s like the movie itself was manipulating its audience to believe these situations can end like this. The movie stirs the ingredients of truths and non truths about narcissism into the batter together to make it seem believable that narcissistic situations can end this way. Nope.
True for friends who have been narcissistic for years and since it's friendship we hold patience and wait and finally it ends when we end the contact..there is no way they are going to change ❤
I've been with a malignant/sadistic narcissist for over 13 years and read the book shortly after its release, but I did not see the movie, and you are spot on. I felt the same way, if only it were that easy! I've tried and failed several times to leave, but Dr. Ramani is preparing me for the viscous divorce to come. I am finally following through and serving him after the New Year. 🎉
The movie lost me at the same time. We live in such fear during the relationship, upon trying to exit, and for years thereafter. Especially if your perpetrator isnt locked up as they should be!! No way in hell, would any woman tell her abuser its over, while hes holding their newborn, or while a child is even in the room. Never, would you put your childs life at risk, also. There usually isnt a "prince charming" there to rescue you, like a fairy-tale...
My story is that my toxic ex's little sister has been the worst flying monkey of them all. She helped my ex with his verbal abuse of me while we were married and now she defends him when he married his mistress (a former "friend" of mine who even traveled with me and my ex while we were married). I think it is extremely rare for the narcissist to have a family that supports their victim.
It was the classic “Cinderella” with a twist. Mr. Prince Charming was patiently waiting in the wings for her. After ditching the Narcissist Mr Perfect was only a snap of her fingers away. The fairy tale story line still perverts reality.
Leaving cycles of generational trauma is an incredibly difficult process. As well as dealing with ongoing abuse and toxic dynamics, the person will find themselves in the ‘desert’. It’s not just about the external, they will have to go through a huge degree of internal change. This is never an easy process.
Leaving does not guarantee peace in the future. Usually they find ways to get revenge, either through kids or trying to sabotage the victims job, or using both families against the victim etc etc.
Excellent analysis - I think Hollywood is just afraid to go there so they do the ‘abuse light’ version which just makes it more difficult for survivors trying to explain their predicament to those who haven’t lived it.
I felt the same way watching the ending. I was yelling at the TV going, 'Where is the stalking and going after her, or at least him trying to take their child!' It's sad that I felt that way, but I know what it's like. Also, maybe the book is more in depth, but for how violent he truly was (trying to bite off her tattoo and shoving her down a flight of stairs) I'm surprised the movie ended the way it did... It was a shock to my system to see that. Extremely unrealistic... 😢
That was the most accurate part for me. They ALWAYS have a hundred excuses for the way they act the way they do and for why it's YOUR responsibility to "cut them some slack" and not hold them accountable. My narcissistic mother is the queen of this. She'll go off on a rage, scream at me, call me names, sometimes even hit me, and then come back the next day acting like nothing happened until I force the issue, and then it becomes "oh I'm mentally ill, I can't help it, I had a shitty childhood and you're being mean to me about it now, how dare you! 😭" 🙄🙄🙄
I liked how they captured how you can "fall into" and abusive relationships and missing red flags (how she saw how violent how he can be on the rooftop). I like how they portrayed how the abuse were "accidents" at first and how the confusion was setting in.
SOOOOO GLAD YOU COMMENTED ON THIS!!!!! NOOOOO THE MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE! ANOTHER FANTASY DELUSION! It feels like Hollywood wants to continue to program us to "accept" this $h*ty behavior from men, and ALL the media coverage on it was terrible too! Blake didn't want to address the actual topic of the movie at all! She constantly deflects, changes the subject, makes a joke, and just starts some superficial side conversation. I couldn't wrap my head around it! Again I'm SO happy you made this video THANK YOU!! You are a GEM 💎
The ironic part is while there was no post-separation abuse in the film, if Lively’s lawsuit is true, there was post-separation abuse IRL in the form of the media smear campaign against her.
I read the book first, and then saw the movie. The book has so much more details about the abuse she went through, that I wish the movie had shown it. Although I really liked the book, I wish it had touched on how hard it is for the victim to leave the relationship, and that it usually takes multiple times to leave. I wish they had focused more on the guilt and mental health the victims experience, and how tough the trauma bond is. I’m glad we are seeing more talk on domestic abuse, but I agree, it was quite sugar coated from reality. Those of us who have experienced this first hand can see this went too well for her to get out.
It NEVER ends like that. It actually NEVER ends. I am forever changed from my marriage to my ex narcissistic husband. The wounds are so deep. I really wish they focused more on that stuff too. 😢
Yeah agreed. I liked that she made the decision for her daughter and I liked that she realized she was repeating her mom’s life and that they made up , but … it was like it made no impact on her mentally. I think the author and the makers of the film was trying to portray a very strong woman with strong boundaries and is able to just cut it off and with no retaliation. Like a positive portrayal.
Spot on. Thank you, Dr Ramani! The gaslighting and unbelievably twisted narratives that they weave with the abused, surrounding people, and themselves are THE MOST hurtful and devastating aspect of our tragic realities.
I just watched this movie and you are spot on. I left my narcissistic husband and it’s still not easy. He makes very good money and made it so that I got nothing. But I am strong and I will be ok. I have to tell myself this on a daily basis.
It makes it seem like "ending it" is something that you do WITH an abuser and that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not surprised at the garbage ending considering the drama coming out about the abusive behavior on set. Abusive people making a gaslighty film about abuse that sets unrealistic expectations is not surprising at all. It helps keep victims stuck.
I read the book and watched the movie. The book is better as it usually is. I grew up with an abusive dad and watched him hit my mom, then ended up in an abusive marriage so I could relate a lot on the movie.
Totally agree with Dr. Ramani. The sequel’It begins with us’ answers many of her questions. They have mutual custody and the abusive husband makes her life miserable after she tries to move on with her high school friend. Is a movie 😊
Following you from Egypt and I would like to thank you for each video you had made as your content was my biggest support during my healing journey from a narcissist family ❤️✅
I just watched this last week. My prevailing thought was, 'This is bullshit." They don't let you go that easily. It's not an honest portrayal of how escaping looks.
i got nervous at him holding the baby while she told him she wanted a divorce. Yea, test his self control while he's holding your newborn he's about to lose?!
@LoversLane16 No kidding. Coming from a relationship where my ex actually threw my child at me, there's no way delivering news while the child (or mother) are so vulnerable makes any sense.
I grew up in a home where my mother was abused by my dad when he was drunk but when I was a teen I met someone I really really liked and I moved in with him. About a month in we had a disagreement and he pushed me down on the bed and pulled back his fist as if he was about to hit me. I packed and moved and never saw him again. He told people that he was going to find me and kill me so I can see how women become afraid to leave.
The irony that the movie makers have allegedly abused Blake Lively including implementing a smear campaign against her. They think they are laughing all the way to the bank. Thank god Blake is powerful (rich) enough to take them on.
I purposely didn’t watch this movie because the previews seemed off, like a warped Hollywood version which it sounds like it is. Thank you Dr Ramani for speaking truths ❤
I find it interesting Lively has filed a sexual harassment law suit from on the set of the movie. It’s graphic, and raw. I also read where the author wasn’t happy about the movie.
I'm so radiant that you've made this video! I thought all of the above mentioned by you.... Especially the moment of birth, when we are so full of hormones, sensible and vulnerable. It would be impossible to have that kind of speech when you have trauma bound and you're dealing with a narcissist.... So firm, no doubt.... Just impossible 😔
Dr. Ramani, thank you for talking about this movie. Although arguably "just entertainment," films reinforce societal norms, and normallize certain ideas over others. It is disheartening to hear how Lively has been harassed and smeared. I noted this movie and decided not to watch, and I noted negative headlines about Lively some time ago that made me question if she was being subjected to a smear. Since my own awakening to this issue, I see tye world very differently. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being naive, but just for a moment, and only because it is easier to go along than to put effort into resisting the societal forces.
Knowing that a lot of these scenes were actually created whilst simultaneously sexually harassing Blake, I could never watch it now. Imagine your abuse being forever on film like that - and having to let it happen because you're contractually obligated. Please everyone read the New York Times article, there are quite a few gift links on Bluesky 😊
I read and heard that it wasn't just Blake Lively that was abused during filming. Whether that proves true or not; it should never happen and it certainly makes wanting to subject yourself to viewing a movie about Domestic Abuse all that less appealing.😢
100% agree with every word you said Dr Ramani. The level of terror and subsequent utter brokenness which went on before, during and for years after leaving were a long way from this film. Nor did my husband ever acknowledge his behaviour or accept any responsibility much less respectfully walk away. 10 years later and I'm still working on my own recovery. Thank you.
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldnt say it didnt go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isnt always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is to have me, we compliment each other
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain , after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
The movie has positive aspects and negative ones. Positive: seeing abuse on the screen can sometimes help you see the issue in your own life better or perhaps for the first time. It also prompted more dialogue about abuse out there, such as this one. Negative: it doesn't portray abuse accurately a lot of times, and this can create confusion for those who don't fully understand it, including the victims themselves. Their breaking up was so simple and conflict-free and that's not how it works in real life. Leaving for her was a breeze, she didn't look depressed, she didn't seem to struggle with trauma bond - she just made up her mind quickly and left, she had her business, her mom's help and a good man at the door waiting for her... but --> *most victims do not have that* which makes leaving almost impossible. Even with all support available, leaving is like defying gravity or trying to get out of a rip current. The movie did not portray that. On a different subject: Baldoni has always given me the abuser-type vibes, and I had to keep telling myself: "That was just his character" each time I saw him after the movie. However, now Lively is coming up with abuse allegations against him on the set. And I 100% believe her.
There was so much about this movie that didn’t ring true to me that I didn’t like it was I thought I would. It’s privileged and Hollywood tied up with a bow, and I found the abuse rang flat for me because I couldn’t feel her tension and struggle. The audience feels bad for the abuser, it’s almost ridiculous.
I also the thought the ending was completely unrealistic. The brain-fog scenes where she questions her own judgment were really well represented though!
It helped me see some of my own issues that came from my Father...then I married that twice. I can see that I still need to work on accepting abuse from men.
Dr. Ramani, your points regarding this movie are well articulated and rooted in reality. Movies that touch on sensitive, traumatic, inter-generational trauma should always strive to portray the realities and intricacies even if it becomes a 3-hour movie; better that than a glossy perspective that actually ends up being harmful to the actual victims it’s supposed to help plus if scripted and directed as you’ve highlighted, the movie could have won an Emmy or least been nominated.
I enjoyed the movie, but knew it was not realistic. I saw the movie after I had moved out on my own and left a 30-yr toxic marriage. I didn't have all of the reasons to leave neatly stacked up. Mostly, the warning signs were subtle. I finally had to think of my own future and focus on me. I’m happy to say that I am reconnecting with my friends and have found peace.
I agree with all your points. Plus, it really doesn’t happen often in real life to help a guy because you feel sorry for them, to turn this into a relationship and then although ultimately dumping this guy, to maintain his unconditional love and support forever. In most cases, this is a codependent relationship based on need and insecurities where breaking the bond creates resentment and anger not love. You are definitely right about how the sister’s reaction is unrealistic and the clarity and honesty she seems to have about the origins of the trauma. In real life there is family shame and denial. Therefore these people turn aggressive to whomever dares to change the narrative.
I'm so glad I didn't watch this when I had a well meaning coworker and friend suggest it to me. As a person who is just about 100 days into a no contact break up with a narc ex.. I can tell by Dr Ramini's tone, it would be as triggering as I suspected. How unfortunate that this movie is gaining popularity in a society that largely doesn't understand narcissistic abuse and/or domestic violence. I wonder what movies or shows Dr Ramini might suggest that actually give an accurate depiction of these living nightmares too many of us are in.
When I left my 23 year marriage I had no support whatsoever. My mother had been abusive to me and she would not help at all even when I told her he had punched me. She left me in that house with him. Husband smeared me to all our 'couple' friends. I bought a key lock door knob and put it on one of the bedroom doors and moved my belongings in to that room and lived there til I could find a place to live. When entering the house I had 911 punched in to my phone so if he tried anything before I could get to the locked room, I just had to press one button. He tried many things like emptying bank accounts, having hidden bank accounts, etc. I have been free of him for 7 years and I really don't know how I found the strength to get away.....
At times, it hit painfully close to home. Particularly the first instance of abuse, and how it both "came out of nowhere" and should've been obvious, looking back on their first interaction.
I tried that type of line with my ex… would you want your daughter to be talked to this way, would you want her growing up with this messaging “ and it was met with “ thanks for dismissing and devaluing my feelings “.
I read the movie a few years ago and loved it. I watched the movie over the weekend and didn’t feel like it captured the full essence of the story but it came close. I don’t regret watching the movie.
It’s so funny, I just saw this movie on Saturday and there’s so much talk of it again. This movie was so unrealistic. I understand it’s a movie, but I hate it when tv shows and movies are so focused on providing the happy ending that they throw away an opportunity to address a difficult subject. In reality, the friend would probably have sided with her abusive brother and refused to admit that he’s abusive and the friendship would have ended. Or she’d stop talking to the friend out of shame. Also, Lilly would probably have gone back to her abuser more than once because of the pressure and trauma bond.
This film and the book had a risky but potentially winning formula: tell a story about domestic abuse using all the tropes, settings and conventions of a romance novel. But considering this genre is a money making machine that banks on very specific fantasies, the execution was going to be extremely problematic, weak in plot and implausible. Paraphrasing the movie, as a writer and editor, I can see the potential financial hit this story could be, and maybe, we can even say we're making an effort to educate the public about the issues of abuse and trauma. As a person who grew up in an abusive home only to keep repeating the pattern until this year, I find the whole It Ends with Us endeavor ignorant at best, profoundly dishonest at worst.
I haven’t seen the movie but I’ve read the book and hated it. As you pointed out, the behaviour of the abusive boyfriend is not realistic at all. It felt like a stereotype of a physically abusive relationship that was created just for the clever “it ends with us line”. The Netflix series Maid is a million times better at depicting how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship.
Dr Ramani after reading the book and watched the movie I was so uncomfortable, and I addressed the same things you said in your video to my therapist. It so untrue. If I had her money, I'd be able to move to another place asap and then the battle of courts. However I live paycheck to paycheck and if I leave I will be homeless with my children. My memoir will come in 2025. I cannot comment on how much this book and movie made me mad. But hopefully I will be able to help others with a realistic true story.
I would love to watch a video on the lawsuit the actress filed against her co-star for sexual harrassment. It is worth mentioning she has been called "the real life mean girl" recently.
I cried through most of the movie. Only because I know exactly what happens in such relationships, unfortunately. When he came to the apartment when she was 9 months pregnant, I was waiting for him to kick her in the stomach or push her through the window. I recognized and understood the beginning, but the ending was pure fairytale. 💔
I felt pride. I saw the entire future of the relationship in the first scene. I just knew in my gut where it was headed. Never would have seen it years ago. Yes,they did tie it up way too neatly in a bow. Not real life. She also had money.
I think you're totally right, and I wonder how the movie would've done if it was more realistic, but I also think that this was a story about a guy that was abusive, but not the most abusive. I have an ex who I sometimes think was a bit toxic or narcissistic, and breaking up was hard but it wasn't that hard. My dad was abusive, so I related to this movie so much with the family history. When I was about 16, my youth group leader told the church, who forced my dad to start going to therapy. I think that this was a story about a guy who knew that he was toxic and there was something wrong with him, but he was trying to hide it the entire time. He knew there was something wrong, but at the same time wasn't always perfectly aware of it and he also didn't consciously have the intention of hurting anyone even when he did because he couldn't control himself. He was just nuts. I also think that Lily was aware of this almost the entire time and she set a standard from the beginning of standing up for herself, because she knows what abuse looks like, and so when she stood up for herself and had resources to protect herself, this guy stood down and learned a lesson. I do think people really need to learn that it usually isn't this easy, though. Victims need to know to leave, don't give any extra chances, 100% blame the abuser, and it's not always that easy. If we don't do this, we get hurt, and we sometimes hurt ourselves and blame ourselves. One of the things I didn't like about the movie was how scattered Blake made her character and how she kept interrupting people, and everything still seemed to work out perfectly for her, her business, and her divorce. I did think that was unrealistic too.
I went to it at 11 p.m. after my kids and spouse were asleep- knowing nothing about it 😬. I liked that it depicted some generational abuse and trauma, I liked that it showed different forms of gaslighting and unpredictable rage or behavior. I didn't like the awe struck love story, the damsel in distress story line, the way they made it look so easy to leave, or the relationship and the sudden-now I have my ex to come and save me crap. She also had some form of support and someone telling her from the beginning to stay away and validating her experience with him. Not so realistic. Though some isolation was depicted, it is usually more extrme than that and sister would be off limits too. Good work on the charm, the performative vulnerability, justifications, and love bombs. Always sucking her back in by leveraging her empathy. I understood the abruptness of depicting escalation in a short amount of time, but it seemed to perpetuate myths, followed by performative empathy only when the physical abuse occurs. There were only 4 people in the theatre, counting me. As soon as she was hit for the first time, the woman behind me said, "see that's abuse. The other stuff should be manageable if she loves him." I wanted to scream, "all of it is abuse and the physical part for me is the easy part in comparison to the psychological warfare." Instead, I sobbed like I've never cried before- realizing how Hollywoodized this was and also seeing myself in some of the scenes. It was another wake up call, the confusion of crossing lines I swore I'd never cross. Mixed feelings
In real life, the abuser would have destroyed her reputation and relationships with her and his family members and friends so that no one would speak to her or help her get away. She would have been financially destroyed by leaving. She would have been so emotionally damaged that the thought of starting a new relationship with ANYONE was repugnant and terrifying. And, he would have either convinced her to stay with gaslighting or threats, or tracked her down and made her come back or risk losing custody of her child. But, I'm sure it will win awards from feminist organizations for being so "realistic" and "groundbreaking".
Now Blake Lively has filed 81 page complaint against the director and others alleging sa on set and a smear campaign that followed after the movie was released.
Wouldn't it have been great as a mini-series where the TRUE issues about leaving are dealt with realistically? Not to mention healing from the trauma and how to handle that?
Obviously, this movie was more of an attempt to perhaps raise some awareness or address some of the subtle issues around this kind of toxic relationship. Justin Baldoni, who starred as the doctor, was also the director and perhaps he had something to do with the script. I think that there wasn't enough time to really explore the nuances of this kind of relationship. But I was in an abusive relationship and when I told my ex that it was over because he refused to go to counseling with me and address the issues, he calmly stepped away and did not fight me for custody or anything. He is also not the typical narcissist so there are a lot of nuances here that I think are hard to address. But the bottom line, is that if you are in an abusive relationship, you need to get out no matter how attractive the relationship might seem on other levels. And that women can love themselves first. At the very least people are talking about it and although there are definitely distortions at many levels I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all for women or men who have been in abusive relationships. It's easy to fall into them and not recognize the red flags or dismiss them as she did because, yes, he was kicking furniture but he also had just lost a patient who was 6 years old and so perhaps that could have been justified in her mind and perhaps in anyone's. It was not necessarily an indication of a violent person as it was someone who was obviously dysregulated for good reason. The other signs crept up more slowly and that's often what happens. But for me, the biggest red flag was how fast he moved, and how he loved her so intensely in the beginning. That may be the biggest red flag of all.
Maybe we get to see the realistic display of narcissistic behaviours in the post-movie fall out. If Blake Lively’s lawsuit is believed, it looks like she’s suffered a smear campaign and all kinds of harassment and abuse.
The 1991 film, "Sleeping With the Enemy," starring Julia Roberts was a bit more accurate - although in the immediate post break-up phase, she too magically happened upon a unicorn of a man before she was fully healed, and things worked out in the end, aww. The husband she had fled was clearly a malignant narcissist and it took him dying for her to be free. That's a bit closer to the truth of narcissistic abuse.
That end scene was like, "see you just need to talk with your partner and set boundaries and you won't be abused". Sooooo easy, and I was like yeah in an movie perhaps but not real life 😠
Yes I felt the ending was unrealistic.
I hated it too. I turned to my mom at the end and said this isn't the end of the movie, this is literally just the beginning. Co-parenting with someone like that is frankly a lifelong nightmare with the child either triangulated in the middle or used as narcissistic fodder
Boom. Exactly
It’s like film makers run out of money and decided to wrap it up with happily ever after ending.
@@DobbysStinkySockI think the second book tackles all of that
To all those wanting to leave a toxic relationship. DO NOT TELL THEM BEFORE HAND. Sounds like a crap movie.
I made this mistake back in 2019. The lockdown started soon after and it has been hell ever since. In my defense, I didn’t know how bad it was until divorce was mentioned.
It has taken this whole time since then to regroup. Take two will be much, much quieter. Prayers to everyone escaping.
I loathed that movie. They left out all of the important stuff like his gaslighting, devaluing, and silent treatments, just to name a few. Agreed that they nailed love bombing. I think it did a great disservice to narcissistic abuse survivor's that don't have physical marks. Also, her successfully leaving the first time annoyed me. Not everyone has a hot unicorn dude to help her. Not to mention the money, successful business, and friend and family support. Finally, the sad story that validates the abuser and martyrs him. The final scene is such BS it made me scream at my TV! terrible movie for DOMESTIC ABUSE PURE FICTION!- 33 year survivor
I haven't seen the movie. I don't know if I want to but I found the book extremely well written, if unrealistic with the support Lily has to get out.
me 2 ,hate it
I cannot stomach a Blake Lively movie, but based on what you said, it sounds like this may have somewhat romanticized what it's like to be a survivor, maybe even something like a subtle 50-shades of grey. Sometimes it seems like Hollywood should just stop trying to speak for survivors.
I wish I could award bonus points for "hot unicorn dude"... I was almost sick to my stomach when she handed him the newborn. I was sooo scared he would kill the child right in front of her.
@CenterWomen4B Exactly. It gave her all the control an abused woman wished she could have. They didn't even tell us she was abused until a flashback sequence. Why do that? If it's about domestic abuse, show how ugly it is. They made it all pretty and very confusing. I'm not a Blake Lively fan either, especially since she had a platform to discuss domestic abuse and she chose not to. Shame on her. Someone revoke her girl card.
I started sobbing after she asked for a divorce and he walked away without an argument, on the inside I was howling “I wish it was that easy… it’s NOT!!!”
That was my main issue with the movie. That scene isn’t realistic.
So true!! Im in a homeless shelter, long story short. I wish they would have shown that side of it, also how the mom said she didnt leave because it was easier to stay. I. Wish they would have pointed out the fear of leaving. The times i left my abusers, i had to sneak out and leave when they wernt there. Him and my “mother” were teamed up to send me to the mental institution because i was “crazy.”
I love that you put your point of view on the movie, you hit very good points i completley agree with you. Also, you straight up saved me i think i have watched all of your videos😂 and im finally free! I may be in a homeless shelter- but with your help im finally free. Well physically anyway… still alot of work to do with my therapist to free myself psychologically.
Hello, I read your comment and I want to say 'Good for you!!" Right on for getting away from the abuser and in a shelter!
I have a friend who've been abused by her ex husband for many years. I tried to get her into a women's shelter and she basically makes tons of excuses not to go to one.
I think you're amazing for taking that step and saving yourself.
You will thrive.
@@desireedesenna9673 🧡
OMG, you're OUT! You're free and safe. Stay away from the abuser, mKe sure no one knows your location. Sending ❤ and stay strong ❤❤❤
You made me cry. I am so happy you made it out! Stay strong! Wish you to find happiness, success, and true love.
Yep my mother did the same for years telling to stay because she didn’t want to help me . I found out she was a narcissist too later both gaslighting me until I thought I was crazy . I didn’t even trust my own body.
Even a serial killer doesn’t kill someone every day. It took me attending 1 meeting of a group of domestic violence survivors made me leave for good and not look back
My abusive ex made everyone hate me when I left him, he made it up as if I was the problem. I wish I had support when I needed it, but everyone around me just conveniently stepped away from the situation…
I hope you're feeling safe and have peace now. Best wishes ❤
@ Thank you
That happened to me as well.
@trixjoyce, you are a hero! Always remember that!
That is terrible to hear.
Spot on Dr Ramani. The support is everything. The lack of support, financial and kids and continuous abuse both physical and mental by the ex make it nearly impossible to leave safely
😭
Every time I left, my family sent me back to my successful, incredibly fit handsome ex. People made me feel like I wasn’t going to do better or that it wasn’t as bad as it appeared that all relationships have problems and I always went back. I finally got away, but it took a lot.
I tried to leave and went to my mom's house, and she let him in when I was hiding in the back. She also would pretend to hang up on him and let him listen to our conversations.
@@ericawarrenWhoa. So sorry!
😢@@ericawarren
But you're out now, so you're a winner. Stay safe and have peace ❤
@ericawarren she's a flying monkey. This reminds me of the Tina Turner movie, when her husband buys her mum a house, so now the mum has HIS back
I had the same issues with the movie. No raging-narc is going to walk away quietly like the abusive doctor did in this movie. He would have demanded to have custody/visitation with his newborn and tried to force the florist mom to stay with him. The sister would have sided with her damaged brother in real life as well. The movie fell apart for me since it was so unbelievable towards the end.
I suspect they just needed a happy ending
@@AlissaSss23, or they didn’t have much time and money to make a happy ending but the right way. It supposed to be a series to make it realistic.
Spot on. It took me years and a very strong restraining order that took three tries in court to get to finally leave for good. He became violent and had refused to leave before I got the move out order. Since the violence was only towards furniture and not me within 180 days of the court hearing, it took a lot of convincing for the judge to make a decision. I had cameras set up all around the house which I used as evidence. Both of my parents discouraged and even guilted me for leaving. I was unemployed at the time. Thankfully, I was also almost 5 years sober and had built a strong support system around me and my kids. I already had full custody since we were already divorced a few years prior and he didn't have a leg to stand on. It didn't matter that his family was against me because I had already moved away from them. Leaving an abuser is a terrifying battle. There really needs to be more legitimate counseling and support available.
This is why when we try to leave we are called shameless and all sort of names. Asked “if it was so bad why did you not just bloody leave.”
This!
But when you try to leave. You get shamed for it
Ironically,the same people who’ve said that to me, I found later, were even less assertive than me in their relationships.. it’s easy to throw rocks when you don’t live in a glass castle..
@@TR-nv3if I agree.
I keep seeing movies (and even Ted Lasso) where after an honest conversation, tada! The narcissist sees the error of their ways and becomes a nice person to be around. I think people without narcissists in their lives (or even therapy websites) think this is how it actually works. "Just talk to them.". (To anyone experiencing an abusive family member - take care of you.)
I think they wanted to make the female be a hero. They wanted her to put her abuser in his place. They wanted to show how she "took control" and "won" in the end. In reality, you never get any of that. The only thing you can "win" at is getting out with your life. That movie REALLY missed the mark.
It would NOT have been that calm, and the cooperation would NOT have been there at the end. It would have been hell.
Unless he’s just faking it till he regains his control over her. That’s when Ted Bundy’s began to kill in revenge
Dr. Ramani, I want to thank you with my WHOLE heart for your efforts. This has been the year of epiphany for me. Sixty six years old, how sad is that? To discover your life wasn't what you thought, and that 2 plus 2 doesn't equal 4 with narcs. They live by their own sad, scared rules of life. God bless this world.
I've not seen the film, only one scene (the "what would you tell if it was your daughter" scene and I was done there right away, what a sugarcoated crap), but if I want to remind myself how I felt when I was in an abusive relationship with a narc (including my parent), I revisit the classic movie "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman. What an old movie, and what an amazingly and painfully spot on depiction of REAL narcissistic abuse.
Excellent points Dr. Ramani. Narcissistic abuse never ends unless you go no contact. People are mislead by movies. It’s like the movie itself was manipulating its audience to believe these situations can end like this. The movie stirs the ingredients of truths and non truths about narcissism into the batter together to make it seem believable that narcissistic situations can end this way. Nope.
Right! Years after divorcing him I am still waiting for it to end!
True for friends who have been narcissistic for years and since it's friendship we hold patience and wait and finally it ends when we end the contact..there is no way they are going to change ❤
I've been with a malignant/sadistic narcissist for over 13 years and read the book shortly after its release, but I did not see the movie, and you are spot on. I felt the same way, if only it were that easy! I've tried and failed several times to leave, but Dr. Ramani is preparing me for the viscous divorce to come. I am finally following through and serving him after the New Year. 🎉
The movie lost me at the same time. We live in such fear during the relationship, upon trying to exit, and for years thereafter. Especially if your perpetrator isnt locked up as they should be!! No way in hell, would any woman tell her abuser its over, while hes holding their newborn, or while a child is even in the room. Never, would you put your childs life at risk, also. There usually isnt a "prince charming" there to rescue you, like a fairy-tale...
This is true!
She told him she wanted a divorce while he was holding the baby????? Holy hell what a metaphor that proves nothing ended with them.
Usually that 'prince charming there to rescue you' is actually another shark that senses blood in the water.
The scene at the hospital is so unrealistic. She would have been terrified. He would've gotten enraged and would've probably attacked her again.
Absolutely agree
That’s exactly what I was thinking!
Yes just a movie, however so many people feel it as REAL!
Thank you for pointing out the cold hard facts Dr.
Spot on doctor R
you never fail us❤
I will never watch this movie but I raced to watch this as soon as it popped up on my feed. Not all heroes wear capes Dr. Ramani!
Exactly. Me too.
I swear to God you told the truth I’m stuck now and I don’t have that support in the movie🙏 God bless you, Dr Ramani I love you❤
“Painfully attractive.” Good description!
My story is that my toxic ex's little sister has been the worst flying monkey of them all. She helped my ex with his verbal abuse of me while we were married and now she defends him when he married his mistress (a former "friend" of mine who even traveled with me and my ex while we were married). I think it is extremely rare for the narcissist to have a family that supports their victim.
It was the classic “Cinderella” with a twist. Mr. Prince Charming was patiently waiting in the wings for her. After ditching the Narcissist Mr Perfect was only a snap of her fingers away. The fairy tale story line still perverts reality.
💯
Leaving cycles of generational trauma is an incredibly difficult process. As well as dealing with ongoing abuse and toxic dynamics, the person will find themselves in the ‘desert’. It’s not just about the external, they will have to go through a huge degree of internal change. This is never an easy process.
Leaving does not guarantee peace in the future. Usually they find ways to get revenge, either through kids or trying to sabotage the victims job, or using both families against the victim etc etc.
Excellent analysis - I think Hollywood is just afraid to go there so they do the ‘abuse light’ version which just makes it more difficult for survivors trying to explain their predicament to those who haven’t lived it.
I felt the same way watching the ending. I was yelling at the TV going, 'Where is the stalking and going after her, or at least him trying to take their child!'
It's sad that I felt that way, but I know what it's like. Also, maybe the book is more in depth, but for how violent he truly was (trying to bite off her tattoo and shoving her down a flight of stairs) I'm surprised the movie ended the way it did... It was a shock to my system to see that. Extremely unrealistic... 😢
…the excuses for him. That’s what I did not like. There is always an excuse.
Right, which is why the movie is extremely accurate.
That was the most accurate part for me. They ALWAYS have a hundred excuses for the way they act the way they do and for why it's YOUR responsibility to "cut them some slack" and not hold them accountable. My narcissistic mother is the queen of this. She'll go off on a rage, scream at me, call me names, sometimes even hit me, and then come back the next day acting like nothing happened until I force the issue, and then it becomes "oh I'm mentally ill, I can't help it, I had a shitty childhood and you're being mean to me about it now, how dare you! 😭" 🙄🙄🙄
I liked how they captured how you can "fall into" and abusive relationships and missing red flags (how she saw how violent how he can be on the rooftop). I like how they portrayed how the abuse were "accidents" at first and how the confusion was setting in.
Real truth and honesty of the BS out there. Great review. Need more of this!
SOOOOO GLAD YOU COMMENTED ON THIS!!!!! NOOOOO THE MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE! ANOTHER FANTASY DELUSION! It feels like Hollywood wants to continue to program us to "accept" this $h*ty behavior from men, and ALL the media coverage on it was terrible too! Blake didn't want to address the actual topic of the movie at all! She constantly deflects, changes the subject, makes a joke, and just starts some superficial side conversation. I couldn't wrap my head around it! Again I'm SO happy you made this video THANK YOU!! You are a GEM 💎
Blake Lively was following Sony's marketing strategy
Thank you!! As a survivor, I hated this “DV Lite” film and found it incredibly dangerous.
Yes!!! Same here.
The ironic part is while there was no post-separation abuse in the film, if Lively’s lawsuit is true, there was post-separation abuse IRL in the form of the media smear campaign against her.
And for all we know, the producers are gaslighting us with this story of IRL abuse so to market their movie! Where does it end?
My thought exactly!
I read the book first, and then saw the movie. The book has so much more details about the abuse she went through, that I wish the movie had shown it. Although I really liked the book, I wish it had touched on how hard it is for the victim to leave the relationship, and that it usually takes multiple times to leave. I wish they had focused more on the guilt and mental health the victims experience, and how tough the trauma bond is. I’m glad we are seeing more talk on domestic abuse, but I agree, it was quite sugar coated from reality. Those of us who have experienced this first hand can see this went too well for her to get out.
It NEVER ends like that. It actually NEVER ends. I am forever changed from my marriage to my ex narcissistic husband. The wounds are so deep. I really wish they focused more on that stuff too. 😢
Yeah agreed. I liked that she made the decision for her daughter and I liked that she realized she was repeating her mom’s life and that they made up , but … it was like it made no impact on her mentally. I think the author and the makers of the film was trying to portray a very strong woman with strong boundaries and is able to just cut it off and with no retaliation. Like a positive portrayal.
Spot on. Thank you, Dr Ramani! The gaslighting and unbelievably twisted narratives that they weave with the abused, surrounding people, and themselves are THE MOST hurtful and devastating aspect of our tragic realities.
I just watched this movie and you are spot on. I left my narcissistic husband and it’s still not easy. He makes very good money and made it so that I got nothing. But I am strong and I will be ok. I have to tell myself this on a daily basis.
It makes it seem like "ending it" is something that you do WITH an abuser and that couldn't be further from the truth.
I'm not surprised at the garbage ending considering the drama coming out about the abusive behavior on set. Abusive people making a gaslighty film about abuse that sets unrealistic expectations is not surprising at all. It helps keep victims stuck.
I read the book and watched the movie. The book is better as it usually is.
I grew up with an abusive dad and watched him hit my mom, then ended up in an abusive marriage so I could relate a lot on the movie.
Totally agree with Dr. Ramani. The sequel’It begins with us’ answers many of her questions. They have mutual custody and the abusive husband makes her life miserable after she tries to move on with her high school friend. Is a movie 😊
Following you from Egypt and I would like to thank you for each video you had made as your content was my biggest support during my healing journey from a narcissist family ❤️✅
Waited for this review🙌🏻 Thank you Dr Ramani
The film Sleeping With The Enemy, is a more accurate display of domestic abuse and the lengths some perpetrators will go to.
I just watched this last week. My prevailing thought was, 'This is bullshit." They don't let you go that easily. It's not an honest portrayal of how escaping looks.
i got nervous at him holding the baby while she told him she wanted a divorce. Yea, test his self control while he's holding your newborn he's about to lose?!
@LoversLane16 No kidding. Coming from a relationship where my ex actually threw my child at me, there's no way delivering news while the child (or mother) are so vulnerable makes any sense.
I grew up in a home where my mother was abused by my dad when he was drunk but when I was a teen I met someone I really really liked and I moved in with him. About a month in we had a disagreement and he pushed me down on the bed and pulled back his fist as if he was about to hit me. I packed and moved and never saw him again. He told people that he was going to find me and kill me so I can see how women become afraid to leave.
The irony that the movie makers have allegedly abused Blake Lively including implementing a smear campaign against her. They think they are laughing all the way to the bank. Thank god Blake is powerful (rich) enough to take them on.
I purposely didn’t watch this movie because the previews seemed off, like a warped Hollywood version which it sounds like it is. Thank you Dr Ramani for speaking truths ❤
I find it interesting Lively has filed a sexual harassment law suit from on the set of the movie. It’s graphic, and raw. I also read where the author wasn’t happy about the movie.
I'm so radiant that you've made this video! I thought all of the above mentioned by you.... Especially the moment of birth, when we are so full of hormones, sensible and vulnerable. It would be impossible to have that kind of speech when you have trauma bound and you're dealing with a narcissist.... So firm, no doubt.... Just impossible 😔
Dr. Ramani, thank you for talking about this movie. Although arguably "just entertainment," films reinforce societal norms, and normallize certain ideas over others. It is disheartening to hear how Lively has been harassed and smeared. I noted this movie and decided not to watch, and I noted negative headlines about Lively some time ago that made me question if she was being subjected to a smear. Since my own awakening to this issue, I see tye world very differently. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being naive, but just for a moment, and only because it is easier to go along than to put effort into resisting the societal forces.
Dr. Ramani, I’d love your take on “a Streetcar Named Desire” and how it depicts narcissistic abuse.
Knowing that a lot of these scenes were actually created whilst simultaneously sexually harassing Blake, I could never watch it now. Imagine your abuse being forever on film like that - and having to let it happen because you're contractually obligated. Please everyone read the New York Times article, there are quite a few gift links on Bluesky 😊
I read and heard that it wasn't just Blake Lively that was abused during filming.
Whether that proves true or not; it should never happen and it certainly makes wanting to subject yourself to viewing a movie about Domestic Abuse all that less appealing.😢
What a fabulous summary - every women should hear this. Book clubs and anyone discussing the film needs to hear this.
100% agree with every word you said Dr Ramani. The level of terror and subsequent utter brokenness which went on before, during and for years after leaving were a long way from this film. Nor did my husband ever acknowledge his behaviour or accept any responsibility much less respectfully walk away.
10 years later and I'm still working on my own recovery. Thank you.
It is hard book to read, but yes I agree this is not how these relationships usually go.
Also saying if you go back I’ll never speak to you just guarantees that the abused person will end up alone
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldnt say it didnt go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isnt always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is to have me, we compliment each other
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain , after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
The movie has positive aspects and negative ones. Positive: seeing abuse on the screen can sometimes help you see the issue in your own life better or perhaps for the first time. It also prompted more dialogue about abuse out there, such as this one. Negative: it doesn't portray abuse accurately a lot of times, and this can create confusion for those who don't fully understand it, including the victims themselves. Their breaking up was so simple and conflict-free and that's not how it works in real life. Leaving for her was a breeze, she didn't look depressed, she didn't seem to struggle with trauma bond - she just made up her mind quickly and left, she had her business, her mom's help and a good man at the door waiting for her... but --> *most victims do not have that* which makes leaving almost impossible. Even with all support available, leaving is like defying gravity or trying to get out of a rip current. The movie did not portray that. On a different subject: Baldoni has always given me the abuser-type vibes, and I had to keep telling myself: "That was just his character" each time I saw him after the movie. However, now Lively is coming up with abuse allegations against him on the set. And I 100% believe her.
OMG, thank you so much for this comment! I agree 💯
There was so much about this movie that didn’t ring true to me that I didn’t like it was I thought I would. It’s privileged and Hollywood tied up with a bow, and I found the abuse rang flat for me because I couldn’t feel her tension and struggle. The audience feels bad for the abuser, it’s almost ridiculous.
I also the thought the ending was completely unrealistic. The brain-fog scenes where she questions her own judgment were really well represented though!
It helped me see some of my own issues that came from my Father...then I married that twice. I can see that I still need to work on accepting abuse from men.
You better be NOT accepting abuse from men, ever
Dr. Ramani, your points regarding this movie are well articulated and rooted in reality. Movies that touch on sensitive, traumatic, inter-generational trauma should always strive to portray the realities and intricacies even if it becomes a 3-hour movie; better that than a glossy perspective that actually ends up being harmful to the actual victims it’s supposed to help plus if scripted and directed as you’ve highlighted, the movie could have won an Emmy or least been nominated.
The expression you made at 16:32 😆! I don’t even want to see the movie now
I enjoyed the movie, but knew it was not realistic. I saw the movie after I had moved out on my own and left a 30-yr toxic marriage. I didn't have all of the reasons to leave neatly stacked up. Mostly, the warning signs were subtle. I finally had to think of my own future and focus on me. I’m happy to say that I am reconnecting with my friends and have found peace.
I agree with all your points. Plus, it really doesn’t happen often in real life to help a guy because you feel sorry for them, to turn this into a relationship and then although ultimately dumping this guy, to maintain his unconditional love and support forever. In most cases, this is a codependent relationship based on need and insecurities where breaking the bond creates resentment and anger not love.
You are definitely right about how the sister’s reaction is unrealistic and the clarity and honesty she seems to have about the origins of the trauma. In real life there is family shame and denial. Therefore these people turn aggressive to whomever dares to change the narrative.
I'm so glad I didn't watch this when I had a well meaning coworker and friend suggest it to me. As a person who is just about 100 days into a no contact break up with a narc ex.. I can tell by Dr Ramini's tone, it would be as triggering as I suspected.
How unfortunate that this movie is gaining popularity in a society that largely doesn't understand narcissistic abuse and/or domestic violence. I wonder what movies or shows Dr Ramini might suggest that actually give an accurate depiction of these living nightmares too many of us are in.
When I left my 23 year marriage I had no support whatsoever. My mother had been abusive to me and she would not help at all even when I told her he had punched me. She left me in that house with him. Husband smeared me to all our 'couple' friends. I bought a key lock door knob and put it on one of the bedroom doors and moved my belongings in to that room and lived there til I could find a place to live. When entering the house I had 911 punched in to my phone so if he tried anything before I could get to the locked room, I just had to press one button. He tried many things like emptying bank accounts, having hidden bank accounts, etc. I have been free of him for 7 years and I really don't know how I found the strength to get away.....
I love you, Dr. Ramani. Thank you.
I could listen to you talk forever 😅❤
Such a great review Dr. Ramani, thanks so much for showing up here again and again to speak the truth 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
At times, it hit painfully close to home. Particularly the first instance of abuse, and how it both "came out of nowhere" and should've been obvious, looking back on their first interaction.
I tried that type of line with my ex… would you want your daughter to be talked to this way, would you want her growing up with this messaging “ and it was met with “ thanks for dismissing and devaluing my feelings “.
I thot the ending was going to be that Lilly and her daughter got in a fatal car crash when she proclaimed, “It ends with us”
However it was a good watch and I had 3 good cries starting with when I believed her teenage lover was merely a waiter at his restaurant.
I read the movie a few years ago and loved it. I watched the movie over the weekend and didn’t feel like it captured the full essence of the story but it came close. I don’t regret watching the movie.
Dr Ramani going OFF on this movie gave me LIFE!!! Love this.
It’s so funny, I just saw this movie on Saturday and there’s so much talk of it again.
This movie was so unrealistic. I understand it’s a movie, but I hate it when tv shows and movies are so focused on providing the happy ending that they throw away an opportunity to address a difficult subject.
In reality, the friend would probably have sided with her abusive brother and refused to admit that he’s abusive and the friendship would have ended. Or she’d stop talking to the friend out of shame. Also, Lilly would probably have gone back to her abuser more than once because of the pressure and trauma bond.
This film and the book had a risky but potentially winning formula: tell a story about domestic abuse using all the tropes, settings and conventions of a romance novel. But considering this genre is a money making machine that banks on very specific fantasies, the execution was going to be extremely problematic, weak in plot and implausible. Paraphrasing the movie, as a writer and editor, I can see the potential financial hit this story could be, and maybe, we can even say we're making an effort to educate the public about the issues of abuse and trauma. As a person who grew up in an abusive home only to keep repeating the pattern until this year, I find the whole It Ends with Us endeavor ignorant at best, profoundly dishonest at worst.
I haven’t seen the movie but I’ve read the book and hated it. As you pointed out, the behaviour of the abusive boyfriend is not realistic at all. It felt like a stereotype of a physically abusive relationship that was created just for the clever “it ends with us line”.
The Netflix series Maid is a million times better at depicting how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship.
Dr Ramani after reading the book and watched the movie I was so uncomfortable, and I addressed the same things you said in your video to my therapist. It so untrue.
If I had her money, I'd be able to move to another place asap and then the battle of courts. However I live paycheck to paycheck and if I leave I will be homeless with my children.
My memoir will come in 2025. I cannot comment on how much this book and movie made me mad. But hopefully I will be able to help others with a realistic true story.
I’ve been WAITING for you to comment on this movie!!! Thank you!!!!!
I would love to watch a video on the lawsuit the actress filed against her co-star for sexual harrassment. It is worth mentioning she has been called "the real life mean girl" recently.
The Lawyer You Know and Emily D. Baker, (both here on UA-cam) are respectively deep-diving Lively's lawsuit.
I loved the movie. Tear jerker.
I cried through most of the movie. Only because I know exactly what happens in such relationships, unfortunately.
When he came to the apartment when she was 9 months pregnant, I was waiting for him to kick her in the stomach or push her through the window.
I recognized and understood the beginning, but the ending was pure fairytale. 💔
I think the movie Alice, Darling is very accurate and does a really great job showing what abuse really looks and feels like on a psychological level.
I felt pride. I saw the entire future of the relationship in the first scene. I just knew in my gut where it was headed. Never would have seen it years ago. Yes,they did tie it up way too neatly in a bow. Not real life. She also had money.
I think you're totally right, and I wonder how the movie would've done if it was more realistic, but I also think that this was a story about a guy that was abusive, but not the most abusive. I have an ex who I sometimes think was a bit toxic or narcissistic, and breaking up was hard but it wasn't that hard. My dad was abusive, so I related to this movie so much with the family history. When I was about 16, my youth group leader told the church, who forced my dad to start going to therapy. I think that this was a story about a guy who knew that he was toxic and there was something wrong with him, but he was trying to hide it the entire time. He knew there was something wrong, but at the same time wasn't always perfectly aware of it and he also didn't consciously have the intention of hurting anyone even when he did because he couldn't control himself. He was just nuts. I also think that Lily was aware of this almost the entire time and she set a standard from the beginning of standing up for herself, because she knows what abuse looks like, and so when she stood up for herself and had resources to protect herself, this guy stood down and learned a lesson. I do think people really need to learn that it usually isn't this easy, though. Victims need to know to leave, don't give any extra chances, 100% blame the abuser, and it's not always that easy. If we don't do this, we get hurt, and we sometimes hurt ourselves and blame ourselves. One of the things I didn't like about the movie was how scattered Blake made her character and how she kept interrupting people, and everything still seemed to work out perfectly for her, her business, and her divorce. I did think that was unrealistic too.
Sounds thoroughly batshit. Pass. Almost 19 years after the divorce, my narc. ex is STILL tapping me to get more supply. All he gets is blocked.
Omg, thanks for doing this. I felt the same way watching. I said to myself "oh if it was only so easy" very unrealistic.
I went to it at 11 p.m. after my kids and spouse were asleep- knowing nothing about it 😬. I liked that it depicted some generational abuse and trauma, I liked that it showed different forms of gaslighting and unpredictable rage or behavior. I didn't like the awe struck love story, the damsel in distress story line, the way they made it look so easy to leave, or the relationship and the sudden-now I have my ex to come and save me crap. She also had some form of support and someone telling her from the beginning to stay away and validating her experience with him. Not so realistic. Though some isolation was depicted, it is usually more extrme than that and sister would be off limits too.
Good work on the charm, the performative vulnerability, justifications, and love bombs. Always sucking her back in by leveraging her empathy.
I understood the abruptness of depicting escalation in a short amount of time, but it seemed to perpetuate myths, followed by performative empathy only when the physical abuse occurs.
There were only 4 people in the theatre, counting me. As soon as she was hit for the first time, the woman behind me said, "see that's abuse. The other stuff should be manageable if she loves him." I wanted to scream, "all of it is abuse and the physical part for me is the easy part in comparison to the psychological warfare."
Instead, I sobbed like I've never cried before- realizing how Hollywoodized this was and also seeing myself in some of the scenes. It was another wake up call, the confusion of crossing lines I swore I'd never cross.
Mixed feelings
I liked that she went after her dream and took care of her and her daughter in the end, resonated.
In real life, the abuser would have destroyed her reputation and relationships with her and his family members and friends so that no one would speak to her or help her get away. She would have been financially destroyed by leaving. She would have been so emotionally damaged that the thought of starting a new relationship with ANYONE was repugnant and terrifying. And, he would have either convinced her to stay with gaslighting or threats, or tracked her down and made her come back or risk losing custody of her child. But, I'm sure it will win awards from feminist organizations for being so "realistic" and "groundbreaking".
Now Blake Lively has filed 81 page complaint against the director and others alleging sa on set and a smear campaign that followed after the movie was released.
Wouldn't it have been great as a mini-series where the TRUE issues about leaving are dealt with realistically? Not to mention healing from the trauma and how to handle that?
I was waiting for another movie analysis❤❤thanks Dr. Ramani😊
Obviously, this movie was more of an attempt to perhaps raise some awareness or address some of the subtle issues around this kind of toxic relationship. Justin Baldoni, who starred as the doctor, was also the director and perhaps he had something to do with the script. I think that there wasn't enough time to really explore the nuances of this kind of relationship. But I was in an abusive relationship and when I told my ex that it was over because he refused to go to counseling with me and address the issues, he calmly stepped away and did not fight me for custody or anything. He is also not the typical narcissist so there are a lot of nuances here that I think are hard to address. But the bottom line, is that if you are in an abusive relationship, you need to get out no matter how attractive the relationship might seem on other levels. And that women can love themselves first. At the very least people are talking about it and although there are definitely distortions at many levels I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all for women or men who have been in abusive relationships. It's easy to fall into them and not recognize the red flags or dismiss them as she did because, yes, he was kicking furniture but he also had just lost a patient who was 6 years old and so perhaps that could have been justified in her mind and perhaps in anyone's. It was not necessarily an indication of a violent person as it was someone who was obviously dysregulated for good reason. The other signs crept up more slowly and that's often what happens. But for me, the biggest red flag was how fast he moved, and how he loved her so intensely in the beginning. That may be the biggest red flag of all.
Maybe we get to see the realistic display of narcissistic behaviours in the post-movie fall out. If Blake Lively’s lawsuit is believed, it looks like she’s suffered a smear campaign and all kinds of harassment and abuse.
The 1991 film, "Sleeping With the Enemy," starring Julia Roberts was a bit more accurate - although in the immediate post break-up phase, she too magically happened upon a unicorn of a man before she was fully healed, and things worked out in the end, aww.
The husband she had fled was clearly a malignant narcissist and it took him dying for her to be free. That's a bit closer to the truth of narcissistic abuse.