10 Signs You Struggle with Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
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- Опубліковано 16 тра 2024
- Boundaries are important and they are a big reason that many people struggle in relationships - everywhere from their romantic relationships to a relationship with their parents (mother or father) or maybe it's people from work. The important thing to know about healthy boundaries is that we must do our part and understand how to create healthier relationships in our lives by creating effective boundaries which can help with resentment or feeling resentful with the people in our lives. It can also help in not struggling with codependency or having a codependent relationship. The important thing is we must practice self care and put our needs first or we will always be left burnt out and resentful if we continue to not set boundaries in our lives. So let's examine the 10 signs you're struggling with boundaries in your life - and then learn how to set boundaries in our lives so we don't run around people pleasing or trying to manipulate people into seeing us a certain way.
NOTE
I'm hosting a LIVE Healthy Boundaries Workshop where I'm helping learn how to set boundaries, the importance of them, work you can do to be more efficient and effective in creating your boundaries. Find out more and register here: katimorton.com/the-shop/p/hea...
Is people pleasing hurting you? Let's talk about it: • How People Pleasing Ca...
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This didn't just hit home, it moved right in.
I was trying to find a way to communicate the way my brain felt understood and violated at the same time, and this works perfectly. 😂
"Do you ever find yourself apologising when you haven't done anything wrong?"
Well yes, of course, I'm British.
Terribly sorry.
@@james.sailors11 ok
I read this in a British accent... and it was hilarious! 😄 I was in tears after watching this video so thank you for lightening the moment for me.
For anyone reading this, please take my deep hearted apology for taking time out your day, for reading this text.
Canadians can relate, too! lol
Thank you for the much needed laugh. Hope you’re having a great day! 🙂
I grew up with zero boundaries. My dad used to volunteer my mom, my brother, and myself for different jobs for people in our community and it used to make me so angry but I’d do it because I didn’t want Mr. Jones to think I was a jerk. This happened my whole life. I got into counseling and I learned what boundaries are and how to put them in place. I’m so thankful that I did.
Omg that would make me angry too!! I am so glad that you got into counseling and learned how to put boundaries in place :) xoxo
My dad was a narcissistic ass, growing up. I can relate. I was often very shy. He would volunteer me to help out... without the other people being able to ask. Even when I did not want to do something & he knew it. He still would act as if I volunteer to do so. The last 2 yrs or so I've really learned to say NO alot more.
@@bill4632 good for you! ‘No’ can be a complete sentence. I know from experience how rough it is to learn to tell people no. We have every right to, though.
My father mostly had me doing things for him, his responsibilities toward grandma, my brother, my sick mother. I have heard him say, that he did something when in reality I had done it because he told me to or because he manipulated the situation so that I would do it. Perceiving other people as extensions of themselves is what narcissists do.
I'm greving the loss of my gran and I got into myslef Athlone I'm kid with no money so I can't join your workshops Sarah he
P me😊
I'm almost 40, and I just recently learned what it means to set boundaries. And even now knowing, I still struggle setting them. I was never taught by the people around me what boundaries are. In fact, I was basically taught my whole life not to have them. I'm the youngest in my family - I was never allowed to have an opinion on anything, because "what do I know". Now that I try to set boundaries with family and friends (all the people who've known me my whole life) - I'm told I'm crazy, sensitive & so on when I let them know something they said or did was not okay with me. This is why I still struggle on setting them even with new people I meet. I have the fear of being called such names and not liked.
Definitely! As the youngest I keep getting « explained » things - even when I literally work in that field! And I still haven’t learned to set boundaries - I get flustered and annoyed and end up lashing out instead of just stopping that.
I know what it feels to get attacked when trying to set boundaries after a long time of accepting whatever is said or done but if someone is telling you that you're too sensitive or refusing your feelings about something or telling you what feeling you have or should have i don't think is right you may search for videos for kati about dpt to help you understand your feelings and how to deal with them in a healthy way but with them in consideration because feelings are important and must be respected and treated in right ways
@@mernafam353me too
I felt this deeply. I’ve also struggled setting boundaries, and I’m in my mid-30s. I need to work on it. I have a fear of rejection and people not liking me as well. You definitely aren’t alone with this struggle! Keep your head up! We can do this!
God how much I relate to you
Signs of poor boundary
1. Really hard to make decision(dont know what is right)
2.saying No makes you feel selfish
3. U apologize a lot( for things u didnt do to make people feel comfy)
4. We dont know right amount to share with others(overshare or dont share at all)
5.we act out passive agressively(bc of lack of communicating feelings)
6.struggling to know who u r bc u prioritize others needs first(in new rln, parents feel with child)
7.cant tolerate others not liking us
8. 7:36 we feel resentful alot of time(feel taken advantage of bc we let so)
9. 8:57 we feel tired a lot of time.(bc of doing a lot for others, not caring for self, prioritize others)
10. 9:42 Difficult rln
Why we struggle with setting boundary
1.Fear of pushing people away
2.past trauma
3.we accepted what our parents were doing(no boundary)
Another great video👏🏾. Being people pleasers can leave you exhausted. This cycle gets worse as people soon will expect you to always say yes. Boundaries are key♥️
To say this hits home is an understatement. Thank you, Kati.
Of course.. I hope it helps. xoxo
This is my first time commenting, I tend to lurk in the background LOL, but I just wanted to thank you and say how much I appreciate your clarity on such important topics AND that generally your videos are brief and to the point making it much easier to focus all the way through.
I am so glad you find the videos helpful and easy to focus all the way through!! xoxo Thanks for coming out of the background and deciding to leave a comment :) Happy holidays!!! xoxo
Hey, it's me, the over-apologizer :))) it's really, really hard to stop when you've been blamed for so many things you didn't do your whole childhood into early adulthood
I have these personality traits and it makes having friends really hard. People seem to want to be around people that are self assured, independent, free-thinking and have a consistent personality that makes it easy to relate to them and know who they are. When you are a social chameleon, people-pleaser and struggle with identity.. people can sense it and it makes them confused about who you really are and how to relate to you. It’s really tough!
Watching this makes me realize how far I've come with boundaries. I'm proud of myself!
BOUNDARIES ARE VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS..❤❤ I 💯 AGREE
It really hit home when you said you learned saying sorry was manipulation to assuage your own anxiety...... I very much did that in the past, now I understand why my sorry's did not feel like they were to please someone, now I realize why , it was really for me.
I really relate to that guilt thing. Kati please would you do a video on constant criticisms and accusations from family and what to do when it makes you not want to be around anymore and there's nobody to talk to when it happens? What do you do if journaling doesn't feel helpful? How do you build yourself back up and feel better?
Sometimes you have to just set massive boundaries for family. You have to find a new family who is not toxic and keep very minimal contact with blood family.
I now realise that in my family- Kindness is seen as weakness. That took a long time to see… it’s a sad reality. Knowing this reality is helpful.
I was shocked during the lockdown because I didn’t realize how much my family of origin would do this one parent specifically because they would insist it must made me a walking target or a sucker. But my kindness is not weakness or gullible and it is a challenge to return to knowing that sometimes kindness is my strength.❤
Just what I needed to hear, it hit home hard! Thank you Kati
Merry Christmas Kati, I got your book Traumatized and am very excited to read it
This was very helpful and needed, thank you ❤
Thank you Kati. This hits home.
This helped me so much!!! Thanks Kati
All of this was spot on!! Thank you so much!
Superb breakdown of struggles creating boundaries! You hit the nail right on the head with this video. Signs #3, 7, and 8 apply to me the most as I find myself apologizing for things alot when the apology isn't really necessary, along with holding a deep rooted resentment for whoever it was that has taken advantage of me in the past. As far as sign #7 goes, I had a friend some year back that I was afraid would end their friendship with me so I tried my best do whatever it was to please them and make them happy.
Thank you Kati for being who you are and everything you do! ❤
Thank you Kati for this informative and helpful video 💕 hope you are doing ok and taking lots of care of yourself 😊 xx
Thank you for creating this video.
Thank you for this video 💛 The past year has been huge for me in terms of setting boundaries. It is so hard to start setting boundaries when there were none before. My family had a hard time with this as they took this as them being left behind or I didn’t care. But they see how much calmer I am so they are starting to understand a little 😅
Great video, Ms. Morton! This is a great reminder for those who have dealt with setting boundaries but may lapse in doing so at times.
Wow! I can check each of the boxes. I have been a person without boundaries. Thank you so much for helping me to see that. I feel empowered to be a better version of myself. Keep making videos!💖
Just started the coffee machine. What a great start to my day. Thank you Kati! Happy holidays ✨️
Same to you!
Thank you so much for this! I didn't reolize I have HUGE boundary issues! I needed this!
I’ve been to a number of therapists and worked through several things, but this might be one of the core issues that’s gone largely unaddressed. I absolutely exhibit 8 out of the 10 signs, and maybe one other. Thank you for presenting this. It’s given me a new area to work on.
This video really hit me.
I feel like i fit every aspect of this video
Happy New Year Kati- God bless you all!:) Thank you all for all you do!:)
This was very informative! I love videos like this. It helps me reflect personally on my boundary setting style and how I struggle with healthy boundaries.
Been watching a lot of these UA-cam videos over the last 2 years with interest. I am a software engineer of over 30 years specialising in AI and I think we could do some wonderful things for mental health if we joined the therapy/wellbeing groups with the software/AI groups. No one is talking about software for mental health, apps that run on phones for example and monitor mental health using well known triggers etc could help us fight this avalache of mental health issues we are all facing.
Good idea. You could investigaste about "biopotential", which are the measure used to model physiological behaviour. Maybe with a smart watch sensing your heart rate, sleep depravation, etc, you could do some AI for mental health.
First times I've set boundaries it didn't go well. I can withdraw when people violate those boundaries but their reaction can be off the charts, saying I'm crazy and need help and they pity me etc. You have to brace yourself for that.
This is so me and I had no idea:
1) I find it very hard to make decisions... I thought it meant I was a perfectionist.
2) I find it very hard to say No. I do feel selfish if I say No,
3) I am always saying I am sorry for things I didn't even participate in, I do feel like I am always sin the way and just take up space.
4) I usually always overshare. I guess I don't know where I stop and others begin,
5) I have recently been accused of being Passive Aggressive. I thought PA was being conniving,. People who act out PA are unable to, or struggle to communicate their upsets, frustrations, hurts or expectations. I am guilting of this and have been accused of being conniving.
6) Put others first? Sometimes I do this.
7) I certainly can't tolerate anyone not liking me. Yes I need a lot of affirmation. I have an intense fear of abandonment and rejection.
8) I do feel resentful. And just realized it is because others have better boundaries,
9) I feel tired a lot.
10) All my relationships are difficult and explosive.
Why do I struggle with boundaries?
1) attachment issues, Mom was not there consist for me. someone will finally love me.
2) past trauma and abuse. Mom harmed and overstep natural boundaries which caused me not to understand boundaries.
3) I saw my parents (observed) my parents in unhealthy way and I accepted what they were doing was correct.
If this is your ,let’s call is a precursor or ad, for your workshop I can’t even imagine how good your workshop will be!! I have only just found your channel and I love it! You have a healthy way of coping once you recognize an issue!! I need to do this better. Thank you for the channel, and when you need a break and can afford it, you should take a break and recharge, we will be here for you when you return. I’m a nurse and I want my elderly patients to be heard. I find myself getting called to almost every room, lol, or half of them, and then staying too late to chart then I don’t have energy when I return the next day… I’m trying to develops healthy boundaries.
My family refuses to call me for help because they know I’ll try to kill myself to help them rather than say no. Great people. We did have boundaries growing up but my mom taught me about elder care -she was a housekeeper who made sure her residents were happy. So I want to do the same, I just seem to give more than other nurses. I’m trying to work it out.
I have been really struggling the last few weeks and I now fear I am entering a depression. I have spent the last 24 hours mostly crying and feeling completely distraught. I am processing a lot from what feels like years of my life, and it's been overwhelming. Your videos are of great comfort to me right now, so thank you. I am in counselling, but the accessibility of your videos is so greatly appreciated.
Recently I had this issues,thank you so much
I felt much better now😊❤️
Most people don't even have set of boundaries
These are my guidelines 👏
This is my first time ever understanding what boundaries are. I am almost 40 and I have no boundaries. I am going to watch this video over and over and take notes ❤ thank you
My Healthy Boundaries Workshop is coming very soon! Find out more and register here: katimorton.com/the-shop/p/healthy-boundaries
I would like to go to this workshop but need more time to save up for it. Will you do it again in april?
Just registered for this, I cannot wait!
I wish I could participate! I have work during the hours of the meetings. Will this be available as a pre-recorded event later? Thanks!
There's an extra " at the end of the URL :P Looking good Kati, hope things are going well! Setting healthy boundaries (where possible lol) has been helping my recovery tremendously. It's crazy how much mental load and anxiety it relieves when you have them
Excellent video! I am learning about boundaries and the information presented was so helpful. The information about being resentful really resonated with me. I realized very recently that I was the one who caused this resentment by not having boundaries.Yes, a hard pill to swallow. Thank you Katie!
Learning the clear boundary-setting rules at 55! Absolutely need to implement them on my pampered son who had ADHD and is currently a compulsive attention-seeker with temper issues.
Your video is an eye-opener and did hit the bull's eye on boundaries 👍
for the first time I feel seen and understood regarding choosing upsetting myself as opposed to others. I would most definitely rather be upset my self than others upset!! have my first therapy appt tmrw :)
Thanks Kati!
You are a blessing Kati. You are able to help people, who don't even know they need help. People who don't know they can have better healthier lives. There are results that won't ever be seen, but you are making our world a better place. Thank you.
Aww I am trying my best. Thank you for the kind comment Phillip :) xoxo
Great video, Thank you. I resonated with the 'copy what we see' reason for struggling with boundaries as being autistic and having my lower- than- average attachment needs personality I literally learned by watching. Sometimes I watched and copied, mostly as I grew I watched and watched and watched, as many different people as I could, like a scientist before working out what I wanted to do. That approach did make me tired but it wasn't too bad as I did get to know myself well. The only problem remaining being that the general public didn't always respond to me and my boundaries & preferences in a way that kept me healthy and safe. I'm finally working on that piece of the puzzle having always know I can't control anyone else and also that I can't always Control myself either (change to save myself). Interesting times
I struggle immensely with all of these being late realized neurodivergent. Boundaries are such an abstract concept to me, but these videos are really helpful.
Hi Kati, this video couldn’t come at a better time! I am currently struggling with speaking my own mind to friends and family members. I currently am in therapy and this is something that we have been working on for a while. Stop letting people hurt us or to walk all over us. Having a voice of our own. The problem that I am having is speaking my mind as kindly as I can. So when I do that, they disconnect from me. Not wanting to be around me or talk to me. Act as if I never existed. Then I turn it on myself and get really upset with myself for saying anything! Then i try to reach out to them to apologize for what I said, and they ignore my texts and phone calls. I am really struggling with this. If you could maybe give me some insight on this, I would greatly appreciate it!! Happy holidays 😊
I can relate. I've been able to stand up for myself more. I had people walk over me alot. Kati has helped me a good deal. Plus the channel "Therapy in a nutshell". She has also helped me with boundary issues.
I can tell how terrifying that feels when people disconnect from us just because we try to express ourselves..
Sincerely i just move on because I know there's someone out there that can look right to your face and tell you i agree🤗 and I understand you better...
Sometimes in life it's best to let situations flow pass you regardless of what it is literally in such perspective as pertains to your messages.
Life's short! Ya know 😁
Thank you for your videos and hard work, Kati. I hope you're ok. Sending support from NYC!
Of course!!! I hope they help :) Doing well and enjoying the down time this holiday season. xoxo
The title alone exposed me. And I know it lol.
Spot On!!! Thank you!
Yes, I struggle with boundaries, I don’t want to offend anyone so I just say what ever. It’s like avoiding possible confrontation or perceived confrontation. This has been most of my life.
Try and work on it
Totally.. we can worry that us saying no will upset someone else. I promise you that people who care about you and who you have real relationships with will be fine with you saying no sometimes or not being available. xoxo
I needed this video today ❤
xoxo
This was helpful in recognizing some behavior I need to consider and work on. The all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to trust and relationships is something I struggle with. Thank you so much for taking time to make this video and offer a workshop.
If not for me for others I do care about. Thanks again...
Hey Kati!
Long time listener, first time caller here.
I have a simple but very thought-provoking question. I thought I would ask you this because I love the way you explain hard to grasp things for myself and others AND because this one is right up in your alley from when you got your first time experience.
There's this "new" eating disorder that is being talked about and it is a nervosa, specifically "Orthorexia Nervosa." Sorry to get personal but I saw you had a video where you struggled with over-exercising in the past... so it kinda ties in with you too.
Could you please do a video on this topic? I think it could benefit you and the community!
Goddamn this hits like a truck. I don't struggle with all of these, but by far the majority resonated. The points about unclear self-identity and relationships being overly dramatic especially hit home for me currently. You'd think a lack of self-worth is only a personal problem, but it ends up hurting the people close to you as well if you're not careful.
Great content. Love the specific life examples.
More to come!
Thank you, Kati!
You are so welcome!
The Dr was 100 % right 👍🏼
Caregiving doesn't allow for boundaries. And some people don't have other family members to take over their role to give them a rest.
Another excellent video! Thank you!
Thanks Nanette :) xxoo
Such tough stuff 😢 Thank you for this. I’m not getting much help from therapy although I really like my therapist. It’s health plan offered (costs a lot but that’s not the issue). We get so little time! 😢 And I get more help reading. I don’t know what to do but I’m thinking about going back to self help. 🤷♀️ Wish me well! 💞
I didn't know what boundaries were growing up because my mom took that away by volunteering us kids even to this day doing stuff without even asking if we're busy doing something else or unavailable but if I say I am unable she guilt trips me or if I"ask" her for help, it flips, she'd ask me to ask someone else to help me.
Great video Kati!
#7 can't tolerate others not liking us. I didn't know it was a boundary issue. I have it to different degrees, from...I don't care if so and so does not like me to ...what did I do wrong that the other person does not like me. What to do to change this situation and have better boundaries?
This channel has helped my mental health for years dealing with ptsd and I was in the military for years and a firefighter/emt for a few years now I'm just doing blue collar work my degree is worthless for me
i realise now i grew up with no boundaries and it’s because i grew up as the eldest daughter expected to do everything around the house no matter what time, or what’s going on in MY life . I now have low self esteem bc everytime i did something i would constantly get criticism from my dad. both of these things make me a huge people pleaser.. i’m going to change myself for the better.
This spoke to me so much
so while doing stuff for ithers endlessly is one way this can show up, theres also the option that for self protection its actually the opposite - because i cant set boundaries, i hold back from doing ANYTHING for others. expectations of any sort are too much. so i only engage in contact with people where there are few expectations of me, and i reject as many as possible out of anxiety.
Overall this video was eye opening. It describes basically all the incomprehensible issues me and my gf had (both!) in our relationship. It all makes sense now. That's insane.
Speaking generally and not just with relationships, one of my challenges as a person with a disability is knowing when or how often I can change my mind. For example if I am walking somewhere and it looks like I am struggling, somebody might come up to me and ask do you need help. In the moment I could say no, or no thank you I can do this myself. And they would ask, are you sure? And then, I have to second-guess. Am I really sure? What if we are going along and I run into an obstacle and then suddenly have to ask them actually you know back there when you asked me if I needed help, could you help me now? And then what does that help look like? How much am I willing to let that person in and when do I say enough is enough and when do I become patient versus frustrated and how do I master my feelings as I am doing all of that? It’s a daily thing that I have to constantly consider in order to take charge of my life.
Boundaries are flexible. I love this!
Think you for this post
I struggle with many of these things, and half the time I don't realize until I sit down and think about it.
the answer to the questions at the beginning, all the time.
God bless u Kati 🙏❤
Fantastic video!
Wonderful video, as always! -Jori
Aww thanks Jori!! xoxo
I display a number of symptoms of this, and am working through them. It's exhausting and have a long way to go still.
I think I just wanna not be around people to make it easier lol. It’s exhausting especially once people expect you to always put them first aka our family or romantic partners. I’ve grown so much overtime but it doesn’t always feel like enough still
Hi Kati, I want to ask you what kind of Therapist are you? I love your videos so much by the way! I am also a big advocate on mental health! Thank You for all you do! :)
This describes BPD in so many ways
Congratulations on your "10 Signs You Struggle With Healthy Boundaries In Relationships" inspirational thanks for sharing. 💖
Thanks for doing this video.. so important subject! My brother continually disrespects my boundaries. He calls me a lot during the week. He never waits for me to call him back. He has a disability and he has an impulse to call people all the time. I think this is a reassurance thing (maybe OCD and co-dependency). I have placed a boundary up and explained why i don't want him calling so many times. I did manage to get him to only call on weekends but then it's a cycle and he reverts back to calling a lot again during the week. (These calls are not emergencies and they are just the same questions) I am becoming to resent him and I feel guilty for this.
Any advise from any one i would appreciate. Thanks
Such a good video!!
So glad you liked it! xoxo
Boundaries, this is very interesting.
This video did hit hard. It was like looking into a mirror 😬Lots of work to do for sure!
I love this video
I have been struggling with that since I was young due to my condition
You made this video for me. I feel I knew this earlier than now. Thanks a lot
I have been in therapy for 7 years and still have virtually no boundaries
This really hit hard because I am in a situation where if I decide to leave my roommates my roommate will hurt me. I am about to be homeless and I have a car that I rented in my name but all three of us will be sleeping in it this coming up first of January. I am at a standstill because I don't know what to do.
Nice vid. Yes, people pleasing is surprisingly toxic. It’s no surprise that a lot of people - probably most - a long time to realize they’re doing it. Usually as adults, after having grown up not thinking anything was wrong with it. You can usually blame their parents. 🤣
Hopefully you can do more videos on boundaries because I can’t afford the workshop. I had a friendship were my friend insisted on not ever telling a sexual joke or making a sexual comment was keeping her boundaries but she never thought about my feelings that this was normal adult behavior. This probably was my fault for being friends with someone very religious. I felt like she used boundaries to control me or the relationship. I been stump on how I bring the worst out in her. I suspect she is dealing with her own baggage and it honestly has nothing to do with my actual behavior. My question is is it normal for friends just to constantly give advice or opinions? After Covid happened and our move to Texas I keep shutting down her opinions and advice because I wanted to do what was best for me and outside opinions were just making things worse.
Hi Kati and to anyone reading this. Hi. I just want to say, whenever I practice my boundaries, I am told that I am over sensitive, moody, verbally rude, selfish, calculative and uncooperative (at home most of the time). Those words bring me down so bad, it made me apologise, self-blame, self-hate, reflect on my actions, depressed and always thinking that I am the wrong one leading me to think that I should not even exist in this world because I am causing all the drama and unhappiness to them. One side of me is currently thinking, YES, I am problematic and I should just listen to others and do as I am told but another side of is saying NO! Don't listen to them and you'll be a slave forever to their needs. I'm confused. Just sharing this and I hope no one else in this whole wide world is experiencing this because it's awful. Also, just wondering, Kati, have you ever consulted or gave therapy to both the boundary setter and the one that refuse to acknowledge the boundary at one time? Isn't it one sided if only one of the person is consulted? Just me over thinking .. hahaha. Thank you for being here for us all the time. Have a nice day. Hugs.
Are you an empath living with a narcissist ?
@@mattdonna9677 I'm not sure.... T__T could I be?
@@sharsnow only you can answer that question. I'm an empath learning to tolerate a narcissist, Dr.les Carter is the guide who helped me. He's on UA-cam.
@@mattdonna9677 thank you so much for your recommendation. ❤️
Got me with a lot
Thanx
These all hit home but I’m not sure how or what to do I order to change it and have healthy boundaries
My last relationship we struggled to have boundaries and I didn’t even realize
I had to set boundaries with my friend who always wants money.
Also with a friend who phones and messages too much
People who always want you to do stuff you wouldn’t mind babysitting would you
Will you be offering this workshop again? I followed the link to the store, but there aren't any upcoming dates listed or anything. Thanks!