7 Signs Your PARENTS Are GASLIGHTING You
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- Опубліковано 6 чер 2024
- Gaslighting... we often hear the terms as it relates to our romantic relationship, but it's also very common in families or family households. Both of your parents may be gaslighters or perhaps it's just your mother or father, or maybe even a brother or sister. Gaslighting is a common way narcissists or narcissistic parents or family members try to control us. Have you ever said my parents are so controlling or try to control me or maybe you have a codependent or enmeshed relationship with your mother or father - this could be a form of gaslighting by your parents - mother or father. So if you find yourself thinking your parents are a narcissist or controlling or asking yourself are my parents gaslighting me? It may be them trying to gaslight you. Let's look at the 7 signs your parents are gaslighting you. Let me know your experience in the comments below!
If you're struggling with effects of gaslighting parents, you may need to work on developing healthy boundaries in order to heal. I have a workshop that you can access here: katimorton.com/the-shop/p/hea...
Struggling with codependency and want to learn more? Check out the 7 ways to heal from codependency: • Are YOU Codependent? 7...
Curious what gaslighting is? Let's start here: • THIS is Gaslighting!
Finally, 10 signs you're gaslighting yourself: • 10 Signs You're Gaslig...
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Also, check out the 10 signs you're gaslighting YOURSELF: ua-cam.com/video/uw8wYGYvGsU/v-deo.html
Don't know how to contact this channel directly... so this has to suffice.
There is a Person pretenting to be Katiemorton and offering mentorships @ KatieMorton27
IT's a Scam!
@@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii what? Really??
@@ceterisparibus8966 Yes. But it is already deleted
I think that at the core of all seven is the number six, refusing to take responsibility. They want to have an imaginary spotless self that does not need to bother with any limitations, blame, insufficiency or inability to grasp something. It's as if they secretly were the most perfect and desirable person, but unable to make others aware of their perfection. Then any discomfort or disagreement challenges that perfect and desirable inner person and they must rise to the challenge and set things straight. "No, I did perfectly. No, I did not hurt you."
@@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii unfortunately they do that, if you've got over 100k subscribers then you get a tick after your name, so if no tick then it's an imposter.
Being emotionally abused is very exhausting and it sucks.
yup, its not as visual as other abuse (sometimes even denied it exists) and its such a struggle to even know what it is at first
Yep. It can literally cause so many different autoimmune diseases. Horrific
It's exhausting and damaging cause speaking for myself...I ended up dating the very same personalities smh.
I live in a society where if your parents provide you a house to live in, food to eat and clothes to wear, you're all set. If you complain about emotional neglect, inner child wound and anything related to your emotions and mental health, I would be reprimanded as being ungrateful and disrespectful. Basically, if your physical needs are met, your parents have done all. Any emotional needs will be dismissed as being ungrateful.
Ver true, and very sad.
I still hear that to this day and I’m well over 21
Correct. Don't forget say what they want how they want.😂
Then they also act like you owe them something for doing their job as a parent
Omg, have you lived in my house also?😅😅😅
"Well, I don't remember saying that."
"I never said that."
"Are you sure that isn't just your perspective?"
"Don't be ridiculous."
"Your mom and I don't think it's as serious as you think it is."
"Don't be such a baby."
My mom does the whole cagy “we have different PERSPECTIVES” thing like no its not an opinion
My mother in law, "If I upset you, and I don't think I did, I am sorry".
If you don't do as I say so I will get a heart attack. -mom
7. That didn't happen
6. If it did, it wasn't my fault
5. Oh, you are just over sensitive
4. Here is something nice for you that is really for me
3. You can't trust others
2. You won't succeed
1. You are an extension of me
my parents, especially my mother, do all of these on the regular....just without (4), unless one counts having raised and provided for you as their child as their trump card to pull out to demonstrate how ungrateful you've been to them whenever you disagree with them or call them on their bullshit, how you _never_ say 'thank you' and when challenged, require you to quote an exact time it was last said, and when you fail to (because I mean, who remembers exactly when they say that?), it's because you're a liar.
If your life haven’t gone anywhere, chances are you’ve been gaslight most of your life
If you say it like that it can be other reasons too (I wasnt gaslit growing up but had other issues because of childhood) but I get your point in this case. Having to add we can eventually being the ones gaslighting ourselves too..
And if you have been gaslighted by your parents, chances are you have CPTSD
That is a very broad statement. A lot can keep you from not going anywhere in life.
@@RainRemnant never thought about it that way
yes...I see what you mean. And it hits home
Denying you are "really sick" when you say you are, or denying your pain ("youre ok, walk it off, you're fine, dont cry, its not that bad") is often a missed or inadvertent way parents could be gaslighting their children. If your child comes to you to say they are in pain, believe them, get curious, and consider that they may not feel well because there is something going on emotionally.
Definitely this. My parents never believed me until I was finally in a hospital bed or a doctor looked them in the face and told them. It makes it hard to judge our own bodies and its signals in the future.
This leads right into a question I wanted to ask - is there such a thing as "inadvertent" gaslighting. For example, a parent denies the child's experience but it isn't done with the goal of malace or manipulation, but is just forgetfulness or a difference in recollection? Is there an innocent (not innocent like it isn't bad, but innocent as in no malace on the part of the parent) form of gaslighting or does it have to have all the manipulation and intent to count as gaslighting?
@Willow Rose Arlen I think it can happen when people are attempting to assuage their own guilt. They will deny your experience when they feel guilty for what happened or the mistakes they made. I know when a child falls over your inner critic might be screaming "HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN" and your wish for it to be better makes your impulse to deny the child their emotions or pain in order to stop the guilt.
@@WillowRoseArlen I'm not entirely sure who it was who covered this topic, might have been Dr. Ramani, but the answer is yes, sometimes parents do accidentally gaslight their kids by denying their experience even though they mean well! Ex. the child gets a scratch and you say "it's okay, it's not that bad." It is that bad to the kid, but adults just say that because our perspectives have grown and changed and we want to use that to attempt to bring that same comfort and security to the child. I don't exactly remember the solution to this, but I imagine it has something to do with asking questions and making suggestions for solutions rather than focusing on framing the experience itself? Hope this helps
@@sparkstudies1675 thank you, that exactly answered my question and I will check out dr. Ramani's videos on the subject. I feel like the subject of gaslighting is so often tied to narcissistic and manipulative tactics that it can make it hard to separate the two.
I got gaslit in an unusual way as a teen. I was seventeen and had been playing drums for a few years, and had been in orchestra years leading up to that. My dad had a serious talk with me about how I wasn’t going to love playing music forever, even though it was the purest thing I’ve ever experienced and had literally saved my life. I tried to explain to him the concept of temporal malleability: that I could hone my craft as much as possible for its own sake, and whatever happens to support it, even it supporting itself, would be worth the feeling of freedom. He didn’t entertain that line of thought at all. Now I’m thirty and he’s passed, and I’ve had periods of doubt inexpressible by that conversation ever since. But I’m now a one man band trying to live the dream. I really don’t think god would put a dream so pure in a person for it not to be experienced. But what do I know.
Friend, he's projecting his own doubts onto you, i am a pianist and had narcissistic parents who did the same type of shit. They are not gifted and can't stand to watch us soar, and maybe in a twisted way think they're helping us avoid pain. They will try to sabotage everything. Keep playing. And tell your dad's voice in your head to shut up old man - you still love music.
@@machinegurlll yeah I can see the avoiding pain part. But it’s more painful to not do it. It’s one of those feelings that only the people who have been in that state can ever truly understand
Yes. I hear you. I was an artist from birth, drawing constantly and well, obsessed with storytelling, and destined to become a storyboard artist in Hollywood. I had the Bible quoted to me: put aside childish things. I was instead given the option of law school or sales for the family business, both horrific prospects. "The moment you grow up is the moment you accept that your dreams aren't going to come true." Well, it turns out growing up is overrated. But boy, do I hear you, Corey. Bang those drums and to hell with everything else. Be you, not someone else's words.
I have had exactly the same thing happen to two (world kickboxing champions) students. Their mother literally got them to quite after 22 years of training they love it to bits but their mum has caused them to stop training telling them they need to grow up! She wants to be sporty but just isn’t. They worked so hard to become champions and were really just getting started after winning their first big championships. Then she convinced them to quit.
I’m so sorry this happened to you 😢
This is literally my mum, when I finally managed to get my own home. One of her comments was ‘I wish you’d never been born’. Putting space between us was one of the best things I did for my mental health. I have a 22 year old daughter, I brought her up completely the opposite to my experience and we are very close, every time we say goodbye to each other we always say best friends ❤️ She’s a happy & confident woman and I’m so proud of her 💕
This was my experience with my mother too!! My ultimate goal is to NEVER be, or turn out like her! My daughter and I are super close too and we are each others best friends! ❤️🌸🌺
Both of my parents are Gaslighting person, my d*mn father left my mother because of it, and now I'm dealing my Mother's Gaslighting which is way worst, tbh I can't wait to leave our house and do things and deal things on my own.
NGL, even all of her misfortunes prior to my existence are all blamed on me.
My current goal and movement is not to be a gaslighting father to my 2 kids.
Even my effort to raise my kids aren't validated by anyone, which IDGAF, the reason why I'm still staying in our ancestral house it's because I can't afford to buy my own house yet.
I give my daughter the complete OPPOSITE of what my mom gave me period.
@@DrineThePoet same! My biggest fear is turning into my mother in any way, shape or form
@@vidarsrt797 I’m sorry you’re going through so much! Your day will come when you can be free from it all and trust me, you’ll be so much happier and never look back!! Prayers to you, I’ve been there myself 🙏🦋
I am going through this from my parent, even with me over 40. refuses to apologise, then making things worse
Exact same
Same. Trying so hard to break the generational cycles of poor emotional health. I keep reading online so I can communicate better with my teenage child than my parents did when I was a teenager.
thank you for sharing i went no contact at 22 and this helps with guilt. i dont want to continue until im 40.
@@katherinemattice2077 I understand what you are saying. That's wonderful. I hope you find peace. Take care. 💗
lol I confronted my mom about my childhood and she said, "don't have kids!!!"
My stepmom was like this to me. She would use phrases like, “you’re overreacting. I’m not abusing you. I’m just disciplining you. I give you a wonderful house to stay in, I cook the food that’s on the table. You have it too good.” She would do and say other things to me. Maybe this was a form of gaslighting after all.
Sounds like gaslighting to me. Similar to how my grandparents spoke before unspeakable things.
@@machinegurlll I should also state that I’m blind, and she would acknowledge this, but she would choose to forget that I was blind. So if I ran into things, spilled things, knocked things over, ETC. she’d say, “well if you payed more aattention, then none of this would happen. You can control these things, you can help it.”
My mother is borderline, my father a narcissist. This entrenched so much of my life.
So did someone spy on me my entire childhood or something? They got counselors to blame me for everything and it only compounded my depression....
I don't know if you would call this gaslighting, but my dad started hanging out with young boys when I was 15. My mom didn't raise an eyebrow about it, but I thought it was pretty strange. I always knew something was wrong with Dad. He was always way too affectionate. It felt weird. My older brother said he felt that too. I noticed my niece said to my dad, "You do that too much!" and my nephew said, "Cut it out!" one time. Dad just ignored what they said and kept on being so weirdly affectionate, but they clearly thought what dad was doing was abnormal. I sometimes wondered if my dad's behavior was noticed by mom. I was sexually molested by an eighteen year old boy when I was four, and I think that heightened my sensitivity to dad, but my brother was not molested, and he said Dad's behavior felt pretty weird to him. My dad eventually got caught. A seventeen year old boy reported him to the police. My mom was devastated by the news, but I wondered why she didn''t notice something was wrong when we were young. I think it really upset her when she found out that we weren't the perfect American family, but I could have told her that long before my dad got caught. My mom eventually divorced my dad. He came down with a disease with the same symptoms as Alzheimer's, but with a different underlying causal mechanism. My sister found him a good facility, and my dad stayed there until he died. I remember one Christmas we were at my sister's house, near where dad was being kept. I wanted to go see dad, but my sister said she couldn't handle seeing him again. I felt bad about that, because he was stuck in that facility alone. I eventually forgave my dad. He was overwhelmed by a drive he could not resist. He did his best. I think the drive that pedophiles have is extremely strong. My life has been pretty messed up. I joined the army fresh out of high school, much to my parents' dismay. This was after Vietnam, but right before Reagan came into office and put all that money into building up America's military forces. It was a different army back then. We had problems with heroin in Germany. Everyone drank alcoholically. I am a confirmed alcoholic myself. I've battled long and hard against booze, and this February I will have been sober for six years. I eventually got out with an honorable discharge, but I came close to getting out with a worse discharge. I voted for Ronald Reagan in 1980 solely for his military program. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't joined the military, but I'm pretty sure I would have messed up no matter what I did. Now I'm 64 years old and living in an assisted living center for the mentally ill. My life isn't bad. I have time to read and think, and I have some aspirations to be a writer. I've probably written about fifty short stories that I haven't sent in to be published yet. Writing gives me something to look forward too.
I'd read your stuff George. Many people can relate to your experience. I think your mother was too afraid to find the truth and kept herself intentionally from finding out. Does this make sense? I had a parent do the same, admit she knew once - then backpedal and still claims she doesn't.
Congratulations on your sobriety 💪🏼 your story is so compelling- you would make a great peer counselor.
Wow! You are a very, very good writer. I can tell just from reading this post. It sounds like you’ve had a difficult set of circumstances to live through. It sounds like you are somewhere safe now. Keep up your writing pursuits.
Wow! You are amazing!
I was molested by my stepdad from 8 to apprx 12. My mom found out and it stopped. I’m not sure tho because looking back it felt like she was grooming me at times. But even after finding out about the abuse she stayed with him. They fought like cats and dogs 24/7. He was military so I think being able to have lots of friends really helped. My mother conveniently “forgot” about the abuse. Then after he retired and we hadn’t been back stateside from Germany long, she was in the hospital and something strange happened. He didn’t touch us but I think he came close. I woke up. My sister also woke up in her room with him in there. I was 18 so she was around 16. We left the next morning after he left. We went to stay at our Sunday school teachers house. We had nowhere else to go being as we had just been back in the states a few months and hardly knew anyone. So she found out then. Forgot. Again.
This happened over and over in my life with her “forgetting.” Eventually, she “remembered”
and then acted like it happened to her and not her girls. So she would use it over him for blackmail.
After she died I found a letter she had written 10 year earlier and made about 10 copies of. All of them in sealed envelopes. In the letter she is talking about me and my sister and my daughter some. She says that she thinks me and my stepdad were in love and that I must have “liked” it.
It cut me to the core! I was the one who protected her her entire life since I was old enough! I was the one who took care of her after he died in a car accident in 2108. But she stabbed me in the back even from the grave.
I think she knew since I was 8.
In 1968 my bio dad picked us up for a couple of weeks at Christmas. This was way back when bathrooms on the road were still few and far between at nasty gas stations! I remember my bio dad being in the bathroom with me and I’m a 9 year old little girl thinking, “It sure was not nice to not be stared at in that way”. No 9 year old should ever have to go there.
Anyway I guess I’ve said enough. For here anyway.
And somehow my whole life they controlled me. I see now they did it thru gaslighting.
Mama began before she knew my stepdad. When I was 6 or younger she would sit on the bed with me at night and tell me about the night her mother died when she 8. Who does that?! She controlled me thru guilt.
I do hope you write your story, don't ever think what you did in life was worthless. You have courage to have gone through what you have, stay strong, help others by your written word, you'll be amazed how much that will be of great help to you, to know you lifted someone else up while lifting yourself. Be kind to yourself, you're a good soul.
I think the main one that stuck out is that they know better. My dad always tells me, i’m just a stupid kid who doesn’t know anything and he knows more.
Solidarity and love to those who have to live through this.
I relate to number five the most. That’s why I think I’d rather deal with stuff on my own than talk to my family and feel worse after.
My mother-in-law does a lot of this and regularly tries to convince me and anyone who’ll listen that my family is angry with me/doesn’t like me. Fortunately after a lot of therapy i’m not so easily manipulated and know none of this is true, but it still hurts.
my mom literally threathened to kill me a couple times when I spilled tea on the couch, so of course I was upset about that. But *I* was too dramatic and *I* did something bad so I "deserved' it. She always blamed others for her emotions and almost never took responsibility for her actions. Now that I don't live with her anymore, she has become *too* sweet. Always buying me this and that and saying I am amazing and whatnot, but I know there is something behind it so it makes me uncomfortable. After giving me a gift she smirks and says "Aren't I such a good mom for you??" It's very toxic
holy shit balls no thank you
I could count on my parents discounting my feelings so much that if I had to deliver news to them that I knew they would flip out about, I would pretend to be a little upset about it myself. Without fail they would tell me that I was overreacting and not freak out about it like they normally would.
Jedi mind trick there 😮
this video hits so hard :'( my friend had died a few years ago, and i kept talking about it cause i was still upset about it, but my mom said, its like youre obsessed with it, and its not like you were best friends with her... :(
You just described my mother with every single one of these, some my dad has done. I already suspected it, but thought I was being too harsh because mom has often made me feel guilty or punished me for speaking out. She'll cry and claim I'm being unreasonable or mean, or she'll make herself into the victim and I immediately feel horrible and scramble to backtrack. Mom often has lashed out and said none of my friends actually care about me, which has resulted in me losing friends over the years because I fear they're just humoring me, and I keep a blog so some of them saw that I was saying stuff like I felt they didn't care, and I ended up, now, with very few friends in my life. I have severe OCD and check things multiple times, my door, the stove even if I hadn't even used it that day, and I check to make sure I took my medicine several times a night before I can sleep. My mom will often say she doesn't remember the abuse or has no idea what I'm talking about, or will tell me I was difficult too and she had a hard time dealing with me. She even lied to my family about me to get back at me for finally speaking up about abuse to my counselor, and my dad called to tell the counselor I was lying. My family has sided with my mom too, and a brother threatened me because of it. But there are moments when mom will say she loves me, she'll buy me nice gifts, and when my mental health gets severe and I'm thinking of ending my life, she says I can't because she needs me. When I came out as trans, she lashed out and started crying because I told my counselor first and not her, and she was upset that she lost her shopping partner because I was now a boy.
She'd tried to manipulate me, her and dad both, into making me move back home after I moved out with my boyfriend. Her and dad would promise these lavish gifts if I came home, or if I accomplished a specific thing they required of me, then would immediately take it back and tell me I was lazy and expected things to be handed to me, leaving me confused. All this time I've wondered if I was crazy, if maybe I had false memories. I wondered if my parents really were gaslighting me, and this video confirmed it. This is really hard to deal with. I've been in so much pain, honestly and I just want to trust myself, but I'm so easily manipulated because I worry I'm the bad one. Sorry for the novel, this was just such a punch to the gut. I'm 34 and have dealt with this my whole life. I'm worried it's ruined me and there is no way to heal from it.
Hey, It's okay to talk about your problems and thoughts.
I find some things of my own childhood and also now, with almost 21, I see things that weren't in my view before.
Thank you for charing!
I had a great mom and I treasure her memory. But in her last years she began to question a lot of things and process regrets. Once when I was sitting on the couch watching one of her shows with her, she abruptly said "One thing I think we can agree on is that >none of you [siblings and me] were ever hit
"Being a great mum and her witnessing you and your siblings being hit" is NOT a great mum. That is not even a mum.
This is how my grandmother made me behave. Lie through my teeth about things we all know ruined me, and led to my current situation (drugs, homelessness, general scapegoat rabbithole). I couldn't do it anymore so I cut them all off. I don't care if she's at peace when she dies. It's her damn fault, I gave her YEARS to talk about it on her own and would still get gaslit to the day. And you bet your ass she's still judging, blaming and gossiping in her 80s. Narcs truly don't change they just worsen with age. Mix gaslighting with dementia! Sick!!
@@marencalma13 With all due respect, you did not know her or our situation at all. If others feel this way I'll take down my comment. First, where and when I grew up, kids were hit. That was the way it was. Second, as a spectrum kid, I had teachers and coaches, who were constantly frustrated by me, physically threatening me throughout my childhood. That was what a kid who was as different as I was/am faced. Even my orthodontist physically abused me in a fit of rage, nearly breaking my jaw. But it was my mother who came out of the stands at a baseball game when I was eight to tell a coach who had roughly grabbed and was lifting me up and quite publicly threatened to beat me, that if he ever touched me again there wouldn't be enough left of him to identify. She was a victim of emotional abuse most of her life, and like many women her age, felt powerless in some situations. But if you feel able to tell me she wasn't a mother without having known her, based on my few words, I must be a poor communicator indeed. She was my best friend.
@@machinegurlll Ezzy, I'm so terribly sorry. But I hope you know you're not really ruined. I hope you're able to find support and lift yourself back up.
@@SurferJoe1 Please don’t take down the comment. Some people are ignorant and oversimplify things.
I agree to some extent with the commenter that it’s hard to imagine a person that beats their children to be a good parent. BUT, I also understand that there is a lot we don’t know and don’t understand about the situation. We also don’t know what it means to “hit” since it can mean very different things to different people. We also don’t know the time or place your mom grew up in.
My point is, this doesn’t justify her actions, but for someone to say she wasn’t loving or that she was a bad person is ignorant.
I hope you leave the comment up so people with open minds and open hearts can learn from it ❤️
0:30 YES! My mom ALWAYS denies having said extremely hurtful things and blames me for calling her a bad mother and for being vindictive. She called me stupid at my LOWEST state when I failed my exams and now she denies it. She also tells EVERYONE that she was extremely worried about me when I failed the exams but she clearly cared about herself more at that moment. I'm so tired of this
I feel like one of my parents does some of these, but inadvertently. I don't think they are intentionally trying to be manipulative or mean, they just think they know best and are trying to give me the "gift" of their superior knowledge, but all that ends up happening is them telling me and my sibling that everything we do will get us killed and that every instance of hurt we experienced didn't happen/wasn't that bad/should've just done what I said etc.
I had wonderful, nurturing parenting, but this issue is alive with me - I've endured gaslighting by supervisors at certain workplaces, and I've detected it in social media people who were extremists, sometimes hiding the fact that they were using their profiles to recruit for racist and other hate movements.
And overly aggressive sales people have long used the tactic of blaming something in you for your reluctance to sign up for some product or service.
Gaslighting from the outside society is its own danger, apart from the matter of people who have experienced it in the home.
finally, something relatable to me
Both of my parents gaslit me, I’m still learning to heal from it. All of these videos are helping me more than I ever could have imagined. I don’t know words that could express my gratitude. They have helped me seek the therapy to learn to heal. Thank you.
things will get better my dad gaslights me but i know i have to learn how to take a punch very hard to the face
Dad recently said “I’ll give you that,” after I called him out for distorting what really happened in a misunderstanding.
That's him accepting something he's embarrassed or ashamed of. Make it a positive thing so he does it more.
Love hearing these things.
@@justincace5517 hopefully he changes his patterns
That's deep.
THANK YOU I’m working everyday to set boundaries with my parents and I’m working on not reacting negatively to their negativity. I want to be different, not like them.
7 out of 7! Even a couple gaslighting therapists in times of need.
Well that answers so many questions of mine. Like why do I need to feel accepted by people, why do I need to have some sort of praise at work to let me know I’m doing some kind of good job. I knew my mum was narcissistic, and that there was a possibility of gaslighting too. After 5 years of being their carer I couldn’t take it much more. The demands were so high, the attitude towards me and my family, I don’t know whether this is part of it but I was made to feel constantly like I forgot things. Like they told me but you forgot again, or like I didn’t know how to check things, if I did something for them it would mean I would have to do the same action 4-5 times before they believed me. Both of them do it. Mum mainly. But I’m treated like I don’t know anything, I’m incapable, need looking after, compliments when they want something. But here’s something my mum would ring and say “when are you taking me ……” but with my brother he gets asked properly. My brother doesn’t get treated like myself. I’m older if that helps. Anywho this video made far too much sense.
Thank you, Kati!
Thank you very much for this video, I love my mum but I also admit she has made huge mistakes, and I don't wanna be manipulated by her anymore.. I wanna feel better because I think I deserve it. It doesen't mean I don't love her, It means I'm aware she made mistakes, I accept she's a human being, but I don't want be affected anymore by her overly protecting behaviors
My recent favorite is my mom saying that I “should’ve come home when I was pregnant because none of this mess would’ve happened” with my toxic ex when she made it VERY CLEAR when I was pregnant that I was not welcome at their house. I honestly feel bad for her, I don’t think I could accept my role in condemning my daughter and granddaughters to mental and emotional abuse because I couldn’t handle things
I've been told that I am a 'pathological liar', for thousands and thousands of times. For years. Ever since I was a little kid. It's time to demand justice for the 30 year depression this has caused. Before this becomes motive for the most terrible things. Sadly, mommy fled the country for the monster that she created with it. Without saying a word.
I really needed this, it explains EVERYTHING
I'm trully grateful you make these videos. I really needed to revisit this and be reminded that this happens
The part about the care when they need something is the one I most resonate with! My father was supposed to give to me for me, but he gave to me for himself! So I wound up actually getting nothing. I did not understand why I did not love him or was not thankful. Thanks sooo much KATIE.
If you need to discuss boundaries being broken. They will gaslight. I thankfully asked for text concersations, which became useful when i had to show the gaslighter the proof that i, in fact set this boundry very clearly. You shouldn't need proof normally, but with a gaslighter, you do. Or just walk away if you can.
Always remain calm, have your proof. This also keeps you on track to not get gaslite. No more manipulation, and they will realize you are no longer falling for it. It works.
is not admitting to their wrongs also just never mentioning it again? About 20 years ago we had a bad family situation my parents and brother caused, which hurt me very much and I finally pulled the plug - knowing it could harm my relationship with my parents and siblings indefinitely. It was never mentioned again, no excuses that they hurt my feelings - nothing. It just recently came up again, but now I refuse to let myself be put down again. But is silence and hence not admitting any wrongdoing also a form of gaslighting?
I'm not a professional but I would say definitely yes, if not gaslighting then it's at least extremely toxic. Don't let your family silence you
This is my families “go to” for any conflict or wrong doings that happen with our immediate family. It’s one of the reasons addressing issue with my family is so tough to do. Because it’s never talked about. And if I do bring things up they are either denied or I’m urge to not pursue the conversation. I never thought about it’s possible link to gaslighting. But it could be a covert way of denying things. I used to second guess big blow up in my family because it would be “swept under the rug” the next day or within a few hours and never spoke of again. Confused me so much.
My mum is a nutshell, all of this. I've known for some time that she does all these things but having them listed like this one after the other really drove it home. Thanks for the Video! 😁
Thank you Kati, It helps reminding me why some things trigger sometimes and what people I should avoid. Keep up!
Thank you for this video, Kati. It’s so validating.
This was phenomenal, thanks Kati!
You provide a very valuable service with these videos. I’m glad there are people like you out there.
Thank you dear Katie for all this information. Shame on those parents who don't deserve being called "parents".
Great video which speaks to my experience. Saved to my Katie playlist to revisit as necessary. Thank you!
Well presented, thanks Kati.
Thank you for the work you do. I wish I had known this when I was young.
I can see some of my younger self in your eyes.
Thank you Katie. I really get benefit and validation from your videos when I am feeling down or a bit exhausted from my narcissistic mother’s behaviour. This one in particular 100% is my mum on all counts! She totally won’t take responsibility for anything even when I’ve spelled out how she hurt me, sorry has never been a word she has used. And if you try and say how she hurt you she turns on the victim, the tears and “I can’t believe a son of mine is treating me like this. I gave birth to you” or “I’m all alone, it’s ok for you as you have your wife”. It’s utterly exhausting and your video pulls me back from being drawn into her game. ❤
Even just listening to this is exhausting....despite that thanks kati for your informative and down to earth session..
what is awful is that, i didnt even know my parents were like that and that i would become like that with my lover. She told me i was doing that to her and i completly ignore her. I dont think i was that crazy as i child, but i did know about my dad child abuse since im like 3, i remember that i knew even in my first memory ... so i couldnt really express myself since my pain wasnt real pain since he have endure the worst of the worst. and the time i remember i did, they didnt care so yeah i just stop talking. i became really funny and amusing, but cant express or recognize an emotion for my life ... 33 now and the girl that i love the most in the world dump me because i was abusive to her in the same way my parents were to me. I guess i have years of work to do, but what you gonna do ? i want a good connection like we had, but this time, i wanna be able to keep her close and help her grow, and drag her down.
My mom is the biggest gaslighter on the planet but always claims that everyone else is gaslighting her. She literally did all 7 of these yesterday. I do not plan to tell her how her actions have affected me. I could so easily tell her that most of the things she claims to dislike about me are entirely her fault. Acknowledging the truth would break her. I once confronted her on one of my biggest issues with her and she just mentally shut down, only later when my Dad convince me to apologize because she was driving him crazy did she recover. Saying things like "Oh, you were just exaggerating. I knew it, you're always so dramatic. I am a good parent after all." or something along those lines. As a child I need my parents help to do just about everything, but I was neglected the most, deprecated the most, and denied the most out of all my siblings. As an adult I do not want to associate with my mother all that much, I am not sure how much longer my emotional attachment to her will last before I cut her off completely. When I was younger she was not this bad mentally, but lately she's been entering into insanity with some of the things she says and does, then if you bring them up to her she gaslights you telling you she never even did that even though 3 people all heard and saw her.
My gaslighters are dead, but I was very nice to them during their lives and even gave them money. I get mad at myself sometimes for being so nice to them. Now that they're gone, I find myself happy that they're not here, especially with one parent. Can you do a video about not being mad at myself for being nice to a major gaslighting parent? Thank you for being so helpful.
Thanks! This is very helpful!❤
Both parents are exactly like this. They are 80 now and the narcissism is really starting to go on all full cylinders. They are textbook covert narcissists. Like textbook versions.
Gaslighting is the worst! Thx 4 validating our experienes!
Thankyou very much, everything makes sense now! 😊 Thanks for helping me.
Thank you so much for your work Kati. I have watched your content for a while, and I feel like I’ve made some very large strides in my life. I’m starting to feel and be ok with *me*.
I didn't know that minimizing was a form of gaslighting. I knew it was wrong, and it was an untruth, and they were trying to fool me.
My Mom and Sis had much more direct gaslighting techniques. Like making up clothes that I never wore, or events that I never attended.
Wow you must have met my parents!! Perfect description.
Hoping you're okay Kati ♡
My mother/family are great at 7/7, perfect at all these.
No contact makes for a happier life, very sadly.
I wish I could give my kids healthy relationships with family, any family. But not in this life time.
I'm trying to show them what it should be like and what not to tolerate, allowing healthy psychological generations to come out of this.
My parents and eldest sibling have done this to me growing up and in adulthood. I got to the point I didn’t trust myself to know what I was interested in or what my true thoughts were. I doubted myself so much.
I remember my sibling telling me, “ you are not meant to get married and that is fine for you.”, when I was in a serious relationship with my husband of 11 years (before we were in engaged).
Lol, the whiplash of being an only child, for a couple weeks, you're "the golden child" then they need attention so they pick a fight. When you get upset after the fight, depending on how bad the fight is, sometimes they'll act as if it never happened, or if it was really bad, offer food or something. Good luck to all of you that got gaslit
Thank you, Kati. My Mom has lied about some pretty huge stuff and I know I'll never get an apology or even an acknowledgement that she did something wrong. I'm the only person in the world left that takes care of her and she can't even give me that.
#6 is my mom to a T. I needed this validation Katie. Thank you my friend
I'm 50 years old but when my mother switches to love bombing, I still get confused about who I am and I question everything, all of my beliefs and choices. I'm educated now about what she's doing and the effect it has had on me but it still makes my sense of self feel like smoke. I can't gather it together or comprehend any of it.
#6, my mom is terrible about being the victim of everyone else in her life.
Spot on. Thank you Kati.
Thanks for watching!
7:05 wow! Nailed it! I can't believe it. It's possible I'm not the problem, but actually getting gaslit
Yes to each one of these right throughout my life. Im starting to see it more and more now I’m in therapy and doing work in this area. It’s hard to come to terms with as they are our parents, at the same time, at what cost is this having on us?
It’s crazy how this video helps us answering who in our families is gaslighting us…. The people that we supposed to love….!
I enjoyed/hated this video as I can identify with 6 of the 7 issues you have named. The reason, for me, why this is hard to hear is that I am 74 and my parents have long since passed and I am left with an unfillable hole in my life that I will never be able to close. I am being treated for PTSD with the VA having issues with my experiences during the Vietnam War so I do understand that I am not a one size fits all. Just hard to listen to your very succinct description of my childhood and, most unfortunately, my time back from the war. I have been an easy target for my parents, my mother most of all, but now without any means of putting all of this mess to rest. I am resolved to try to understand who I was and now am and find some peace in that. Thank you for your open and honest videos. I find them very helpful.
Hello Kati, I'm hoping you can have some strategies for how a teen might deal with a difficult parent. I work in a high school and am struggling with what tools I can provide teens that really come from homes where if the parents were in therapy and doing more work the students would be better off. But the boundaries part is much harder to enforce when they are still in the home. Thank you for any tips you have.
With every video like this, and Reddit threads on related topics. Or people sharing stories of their outright abusive parents, makes me love my mom even more. Perhaps I rosetinted my memories, as she passed away too young. She had a very difficult (married) life, she was the best mom for us. Even though later on when I was a full on adult, admitted that she had a hard time keeping it together at times.
I’m shocked how many have a bad, or even just a sub optimal childhood.
I have noticed a couple of signs of gaslighting with my mom. The ones from the video that were applicable to me were attacking me for "holding on to the experience" and not taking responsibility.
Thanks for this video! It might help many poor little ones out there! I‘m 34 now and i heared the term gaslighting for the first time a few years ago. I always knew that my mother abused me physically and mentally. But this term just concludes everything in just one word!
I would have been glad to watch a video like this about 20 years ago. UA-cam wasn‘t that popular back then 😂 well… thank you for all of the young ones you might rescue with this!
And… i may be wrong but when i look at you, your facial expressions… you experienced what you‘re talking about right? Or you‘re just pretty good at doing esucational videos. At least i can actually see and feel the pain while you‘re talking! 💜
While he passed away 13 years ago, some of these I seem to recall my stepfather doing. Furthermore, I've realized in the last year just how few healthy boundaries I have with my mom. Another thing I seem to do that seems like it could be a result of this is that I always try to have a defence ready for any event that I feel may get disputed.
Ok i have a few more to add im an adult and this is happening to me now.
1. When you say "no" to them they get upset and stop talking to you make you feel like you did something wrong or gilt trip you into doing it or saying "i do that for you next time you need help i wont help you" just to get you to do what they want.
2. Telling you to "stop talking to your friends about our family, its invasion of privacy" so basically you have no one to talk to about the situation because " your making us look bad and thats why your boyfriends mum doesn't like us". And if you do tell someone you get made to feel like you where wrong for doing so.
3. Wanting to know where you are and what your doing in an in-depth way. Eg mums calling* i pick up* "hi mum" "hi darling i was just wondering are you gonna be home for dinner?" "Nah mum im at my friends for dinner tonight" "what friend?" "Bob" "and where does bob live does he live with his parents or by himself? And what are you guys gonna be doing? And when will you be home? And why are you even over there? Who els is there?" So on and so on you respond with "why do you need to know all that?" "Omg how dare you im just trying to be a good mother whatever, good bye" ( beep beep beep) (obviously if your a child its understanding to a degree but im 23!).
Ok, 4. Saying you act like a child when your doing something they dont want you to do like going out at night with friends everyone knows the classic line "im not a kid anymore im __" there response "then act like your __ because rn your acting like your 3" blah blah blah. Turning off the wifi or taking your phone im gonna say is apart of this. "Because you wanna act like a child ill treat you like one"
5. comparing you to other peoples kids or families this one is degrading and basically saying your not good enough.
6. if your the oldest child telling you your the reason why your little sister is acting badly because "they're copying you" and disciplining you instead of your younger sibling for their actions.
7. Saying the words "your acting like a bitch, im not saying you are one im saying your acting like one" omg this one makes my blood boil! Idk if my dad is the only one that has said this but man i hate it. Its deceiving and manipulating the child to think hes not calling them a bitch but im saying this he is calling you a bitch.
I could go on and on but i think thats enough for now.
Great video! :) And pretty makeup/outfit :)
This was my mom…1000%…It was maddening. I would get compliments or gifts, let my guard down, then BAM, the insults come flying…
Hey Kati, loved your video! Wanted to show it to my grandparents but they don't speak English. Have you ever considered translating your content into different languages?
I'm about 3/4 of my way through reading traumatised. Just read the 10 behaviours.
This video really adds more clarity on where my behaviour traits have come from.
I'm hoping to finally leave a question for you for your AKA and hope it gets picked
Thanks for your help and support
I mean the first sign you named had me hooked....I lived in that nearly my entire life. #7 and #6 are so on target! How do you fully heal??????? Ugh!!!!!
I was raised by and now caring for my grandma with borderline personality disorder. It sucks. She does most of this. With bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression myself, it's so hard. Do they actually believe what they do and it come naturally, or is it on purpose?
Side note: I appreciate you wording it as "us" and "we". Makes us feel better and makes you easier to listen to and connect with. I appreciate that. :)
My adoptive father was like that (bipolar, alcoholic and possibly borderline) and I often wondered the same things, as did my adoptive mother. So frustrating.
Sending you lots of love!!
@@ShintogaDeathAngel it truly is. Never thought I'd have to be back stuck with her, but here I am. If you have another alternative to his care when he ages, if that's your problem to worry about, find another alternative for his care. Sounds mean, but you'll be saving yourself to much stress. I'm in my early 30s and now battling extremely high blood pressure. Just save yourself the trouble lol
@@missrhondam Thank you.
Very helpful
Perfect timing
Thank you ! My parents are all 7.
I just know they don't really love me at all... used to hurt, now it doesn't... feelings mutual.
You described my mother with this video.
I was gonna write the same comment
It's seriously draining😢
Good video :)
Hi Kati, I love your content, thank you so much for everything you do. I have a question that I was hoping you could help me with. I have and eating disorder, it’s been going on for around a year now. I desperately want to be able to talk to my dad about it but I don’t know how because he is very emotionally abusive. How do you think I should go about this conversation? Thank you!
Hi Kati, what I’m about to say isn’t related to the video but just thought I comment here because it’s your most recent video. So my passion is mental health and helping people through their problems. I’m studying psychology but I now have a concern. How often is math used as a mental health therapist/social worker? I’m not good at math at all and I’m scared this might hold back my dream of becoming what I want to be and that’s being a therapist or social worker. It’s giving me great anxiety 😞
I love my mom to death but sadly she HAS gaslit me a few times. INEVER believes me about the way the younger sibling treats me because she’s never around when he acts out. If I complain about him, she just thinks I do it because of a heavy loathing for him OR I just want to get him in trouble. She said “I’m not gonna take these feelings you have for him and go call him out”. Ugh! That was insensitive
Thanks!
Thank you Diana ❤️
My mother is a Prime example of gaslighting. Now she get's off of pseudopsycholocical "selfwork". It's just a new tool for her to be better then others, but she doesn't take responsibility for anything or try to better herself.
It is even more covert than in the past.
I am so lucky to be in Therapy and away from here. Took me long but NC is good, or in my case even very restricted contact.
But I still have difficulties Setting boundaries.
Me watching already knowing they gaslight me