Being on disability I always felt I needed to justify it around people who stigmatize it (thinking I'm "riding on backs of taxpayers", a "vacation every day", not "willing to work", etc.). I used to stammer when they'd ask why I'm on disability, but now after learning about boundaries I just answer, "I won't bore you with my medical details". And if they press further, I say, "I don't discuss my medical with anyone but my doctor".
It is so hurtful and daunting. Neighbors have been so cruel that I don't want to have anything to do with most of them. Unbelievable comments and actions. Bless you❤
Those are some really good responses. I’m very insecure about that as well because I get those same remarks as well and it makes me feel really bad about myself.
Everyone has a background story. People are not entitled to know about it. It is up to you whether you choose to share it. And whether they want to listen to it, of course, is up to them. Listening doesn't necessarily mean understanding either. At the end of the day, only you know what you are going through and why you have to make certain decisions in your life.
Thank you Julia! 1. The things that are important to you ( food, hobbies) 2. Your career 3. Your food choices. 4. Their appearance 5. Your goals and dreams 6. Why you are putting yourself first
When I was leaving my abusive spouse after 28 years, your vids, knowledge and even the kindness in your voice helped me more than you will ever know. I still throughly enjoy your style, choices of vids and the way you share them. May God bless you for your effort to help others in this crazy ride of life......I am sure I am not the only one who has found solace and peace in being a part of "your little community in this corner of the internet......" Okie Girl🤠
Proving is like putting yourself in a way that whatever you are experiencing are still lies. I think the core message of this video is, never allow other people to make you feel guilty until proven innocent. You do not need to prove anything at the first place.
I found alot of people are very judgemental, they judge what we do and don't do so that's probably why we feel we have to justify ourselves.... I prefer to distance myself if these people keep on questioning me, it's none of their business....
This is a very important piece of the puzzle of establishing our identity. I have done some work in the last years to know who I am. Now I am training myself to not over explain my choices or not explain at all. Thank you for helping me to just be me.
Constantly trying to justify yourself to others is absolutely exhausting and soul- sucking. Why is it people expect me to justify standing up for myself? Yes, and how I look at the gym is no one's business because it's not affecting anyone else's workout!
Great video! I would add one more thing: Don't justify or apologize for being educated. I see this ALL the time people feel judged if they use a fancy term or speak a foreign language. They always add something like "oh look at me, I'm smart pants..haha..." Even college teachers say something similar to that to students....That just sad. Be humble within reason, but also be proud of the learning work that you've done.
Having been exposed to a person with narcissistic traits, I felt almost always having to justify my actions which of course is tied up with their insecurities. I sent flowers to a mutual friend who lost her mother and this other person (the narc) said I did it to show off/go over the top. I did it because I too have lost my mother and appreciated when others showed some loving words and actions. But I found myself having to justify myself, then felt awful if others did see me as a show off/insincere. I know now my actions were genuine and now hate the fact I stood there floundering and apologising. We should all learn these valuable lessons at a young age so we’re not having to justify to others and stand firm in our own decisions.
You have so many videos that I can't believe I could watch for free. They're so powerful and impactful. I've considered booking an appointment with a psychologist and getting therapy but their fees are quite expensive. Much more than other doctors. Mental health is so expensive now. I'm happy there are free resources like this over the internet. Taking my journey to healing slowly but surely.
Great discussion. I’m dealing with stepdaughters. After 22 years they have been so mean and critical and you have helped me lots tonight. From Australia xx
This is a really excellent talk. I work in a hair salon behind the chair for 40yrs. You just pointed out a few more things I don't need to justify. I'm thoroughly enjoying your whole youtube channel.
Yes, the other way around for me. They don't get to be snarky if I want cake & icecream while they're all getting seeds & spinach salad. So blessed for friends like that!
This was a very soothing video to find. I came across the words "compensatory disorders" yesterday in the context of an unstable personality who makes up for their self-perceived shortcomings by really going for the gold and approval in other ways, to compensate. It's hard to find a video on that but this was pretty close to what I was seeking. Thank you for working with people who are trying to develop healthier mindsets.
Thank you Julia I spent 52 years living for everyone else unable to get to know myself. I came out a trans-woman and was happy of me for the first time in my life. But was told I was wrong because everyone else was now sad. This did not persuade me from being myself but what I realized is it took me 52 years before I began to actually know who I am. What you said here today is so beneficial for me because I'm trying to learn to be me and love myself. Past pressure and society continue to say I have to be for them but I can't. I need to be me no matter what or who says or thinks. You have inspired me to fight harder to do for self and know I am right. My boyfriend has told me to just be me but I never understood that until now. Thank you so much!
Hello Jessica. I also was struggling for many years with finding my identity (I am 26 now) until I began having a relationship with Jesus. It really is life-changing. Therapy is also a very great tool. Have a blessed day :)
@@NZelalem96 hello, I understand where your coming from. However, I believe in God through Christ Jesus. Most people in religions condemn people like me just as did my family. Although I know God made me as I am and also is teaching me every day how humanity must stop looking to thier own righteousness but see who they truly are and humble themselves before God who shows mercy to whom he will. Knowing we have no righteousness in ourselves but wholly look to and depend on the righteousness of Christ to cover us as children of God.
@@jessicashaw7143 I'm sorry you experienced that. I can relate as I've experienced this at my church too, but in a way it brought me closer to Jesus. Humbling ourselves yes Amen God bless you sister.
When my Mum was in her 90’s I asked her, a bit flippantly, what advice she had, and quick as a wink she said “be yourself”, such a few words to convey so much complexity. I’m learning more and more about what those words really mean, allow, and encourage in me. One of the most profound pieces of advice she gave me, which continually guides me, along with these videos.
Outsourcing our sense of self. Very interesting concept. I have a friend who is pretty overbearing and is super opinionated. In this relationship I have learned to say no. I learned that no is a sentence just like yes. I have found the more I explain the less empowered I feel. I am learning to not offer more than is needed and in this way I feel. empowered. I am learning to love myself just as I am.
Thank you for this message. I am so thankful that the Lord has given me strength, to keep going, even though I want to give up. I have two beautiful boys both are autistic. My husband passed away years ago. I’m all alone. I lost my job over declining the vaccine. LIKE MANY OTHERS! I declined due to my pre existing health conditions lupus and heart disease. I’ve been struggling to provide for myself and my children since losing my job from Forsyth hospital. I’m now waitressing, and I’m thankful, but I’m not making nearly enough to get by. Groceries are super expensive. Every month is a battle to not end up on the streets with my two children. I’m constantly in fear of losing my home. To even think about being on the streets with two young children is terrifying. But even as I face homelessness seemingly every month. I have faith, God will provide! With GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! Faith over fear.
Hi, Grannie Cyndy from South Australia here. Golly, I feel for you. People hear you. God does too. The fact that you're on this channel shows that you are on a learning path. Keep walking the walk. God will sustain and lead you. God bless you richly. Xxx
Mom you are so strong . Never give up . You child will thank you for being a good mom one day . And if u don't mine Where do u live ? Please let me know .
Your channel has been a blessing Ms. Julia. This is how I'd need a voice back to when I express my struggles, not and you articulate it perfect, "Then stop being that way!" when it's easier said than done. I mean I have to work with people sometimes who have an unflappable way of being critical but I'm not the one blowing my lid because I'm now self playing to myself that "everybody's just the way they are". I came here because I was having a real breakdown with my mother who is just not no matter how many victories over defeats, just can't get out of her head that my defeats count and not my victories and keeps helicopter hovering me how i should be organized. i guess with some downpoints, the good one here was that i ran into this very helpful channel. thank you, Ms. Julia
Hi JULIA ❤ I am learning one of the things I dont need to justify is the healthy choices I make when I feel triggered in conflict. When I feel the tell tale signs of trauma response in my body OR signs that continuing will end in an argument... I may say, "I need to bow out and regroup. I need to process some things. I am going to go tot he park to walk. I am going to pray and journal" etc...often times those very healthy things can be challenged when those things are WISE and is evident of growth. I will work on not justifying my healthy communication pauses/trauma healing choices when someone questions the validity or turns it on me. After counseling about this, I have recently said, "Going forward, I want to let you know I will continue to choose to do healthy things when I feel it is appropriate to process things and later regroup and no one can stop me" 🤷🏼♀️
If we stop justifying our own choices so much toward others, if we live more for ourselves/ by our own values and preferences and "own" what we do- I think we can allow others to be themselves, to follow their own path much easier as well. Thanks for this encouraging and empowering video! ❤️
The ones about food health choices are delightful! I have some special needs and my own quirky way of caring for myself. I sometimes can feel accosted by people with advice about things to try, or ways I could better manage. The temptation to justify my own choices can kick in. It can be tricky for me to shift the conversation away from their unwelcome "good advise.
Hi Julia, Francis from France here. I discovered your channel today and I would like to thank you for all the pieces of advice you’re giving a special thank for that video which answered a dilemma I am facing recently. Before my depression and burnout, I was clung to my phone, answering quite immediately. Now, I decided that I would answer whenever I chose (sometimes 2 days afterwards). Friends and family do not understand my decision with its cohort of blame, ways I should behave. With the opposite reaction 😂 Habits are hard to change but time for MYSELF is now important and non negotiable.
Just ordered "Drive Your Own Darn Bus" I'm New to watching/listening to Julia and I am really liking what Julia has to say and is very important to me! Thanks Julia!
The part about not owing the world your looks really resonated with me. I got made fun of as a child in school because of my disability and still am self conscious, though not as much as I used to be. But I’ve been struggling with body image lately because I’ve tried to lose weight for a long time and now perimenopause is making it even harder.
No you don't and everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. You cry when you need to cry and talk about you child when you need to. Embrace your grief and don't run from it so you will heal in a healthy way.I'm so sorry for your loss. May you find peace at the cross.
Blessings to you. Grieve in your own way. Take as long as necessary. There are support groups for child loss trauma. Sometimes people can be so cruel. Take it a day at a time.
Timing has never been better. I am itching so much to explain why I made my decision to a family member who is passively upset, which is understandable, but I changed my mind because I didn’t fully evaluate the situation I was putting myself into. Anyways, I hope one day this will come to me naturally.
I hate when I am around smug married folks and I need to justify why I am single and don’t have children. Why do married folks do this? I am an independent woman who can stand on my own 2 feet.
Consider that they may envy your freedom! Just smile and say "that is MY choice, you live your life according to your choices". For years my husband and I had to defend our decision not to have children and I eventually learned that the people who criticized us the worst, were those who were the most unhappiest because of their own choice to have kids, so don't let them bother you. Good on you for being able to be independent -- enjoy it! (From a woman who envies you for that!)
I think their is a kind of jealousy some married people have toward those who are happily single with no kids. Some people are in unhappy marriages because they don't know how to be single. Some married people secretly envy happily single people.
Lack of control in oneself make someone desire control on other In marriage they can't control their spouse fully or the circumstances (like financial issue etc), so they will seekig to try controlling other people life decision that they perceived as easy target (married person find themselves knows better than single woman) Been there and hate it a lot
Totally brilliant. This was so so beneficial for me. I feel suddenly free to be myself. Something I haven’t been for many years. Thank you so much Julia❤
See my name here Julia, Jodie is cool. Your videos have helped me love and embrace myself. I am cool. And I have a heap of other attributes that I am finally proud of. Thanks to you x
- don’t need to justify the things that are IMPORTANT to u. - being unapologetically yourself -your career path -your food or health choices - your appearance -the goals/dreams ur persuing -why u put yourself first
Great talk! The one thing I constantly feel I have to justify is my time. Typically this is to my significant other. I'm struggling with how much of that is his and how much of that is mine.
Hello and thank you from The UK! I have found this video very comforting as i am 61 years old, (This is me in a recent photo on my profile picture) and due to me being on the receiving end of a very abusive, so called family, whom i ran away from, over 40 years ago, i never had a childhood or a teenage life because they never allowed me to leave their house except for school, work and grocery shopping for them and they would flog me with belts and a piece of cut up hosepipe for even asking to be allowed out. I was always scared and lonely in that hovel/prison! This has made me, as an adult, want to be very thin and dress very young. I feel real good, by dressing in this way, but whenever i go anywhere, i get ridiculed by unknown women the same age as myself. You have made me finally realise, it is none of their business. Before, i would feel guilty about dressing in my chosen way and as my confidence is very low, i almost felt they were right to criticise me, but now i realise, i have been shaped into who i am and other people have no say in how i dress. I wear short tight dresses, mini skirts, slashed jeans, tattoos and piercings, but society says that at my age i must have short silver hair and wear very conservative clothing! There are even lots of toxic videos on -line, 'advising' us older ladies what we "MUST NOT" wear! At long last i think to myself, i can wear what i please as long as i don't hurt anyone, so there!!! ....... Thank you so much, pretty lady, for helping me to see the light! Kind regards! xxxxxxx
Thank you Julia. I lived for years expecting acceptance from my family;mother and siblings. It has taken me years to realize that I am myself. I am what people/family want me to be. It started after marrying a woman that they could not approve of. Instead, I have lived being gas lit from left,right and center. You education here is for me. I suffered childhood trauma. Now, I want to just be. Just who i am. No justification,no validation,no accetance,nothing. Thank you
Julia, I love watching your videos. You are so down to earth and easy to listen to. I personally like your videos in black and white...something different. Thank you for helping us to better deal with getting through the tough times in life!
Great advise I’m new here and in todays world just gaining more knowledge is power . Thank you for teaching things that are easy to understand 🙂that in itself helps .
Great topic and important to stress. I don’t try to “fit in” and never have. No apologies for my taste in music, oatmeal or Gin. “I gotta be me, it’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it!” Syrup is good on sausage.
We are all different, that is what makes life wonderful, you shouldn’t have to justify the things that make you unique, Providing it doesn’t hurt others.
I love your videos. My ex boyfriend & I both watched your videos when we first met. Your video's remind me I am my own person before I start ruminating.
The plant-eating girl in the meat & potatoes community is me for the last almost 7 years! The first few years, it was very difficult for me to feel so judged, be openly mocked and have people trying to make me feel as if I was trying to be better than them. Now that I've worked through many of my own insecurities, am used to being "different," have removed myself from the reach of the most public mocker, and my family has mostly gotten over themselves about it (after I finally let them know it was not ok to treat me that way + set that & other firm boundaries with them!), it's way easier to eat as I need to for my health without being hurt by others about it
Syrup and Sausage with a Side of Kale! Oh, if only I was still interested in writing songs, this could have been a great one that your discussion just inspired me to write. But, I do not feel the need anymore to justify my existence by trying to create something great, and I thank you for helping me with this. I so appreciate the value of your inspiring input. 🤸 🤸♂ 🤸♀ 🤸
Super- helpful video Julia Christina! You might find I repeat what you said in my comments but thats the way I learn. Hope thats okay. Thats the way I have done my learning. Thank you!!
I'm getting better little by little at setting boundaries. Especially with narrsistic people. I probably saved myself alot of pain simply by recognizing someone as a narrsistic person at my church who was hoovering me and trying to suck me into his world of lies and deception. Had I befriended this person I would have ended up feeling worthless and been a door mat. I recognized the toxic behaviors very quickly and backed away fast. This person was staring at me intensely with black eyes (intimidation attempt) during church service and he also did a crab pose that bodybuilders do (intimidating attempt again) all in the middle or church service lol. 😳. I want NOTHING to do with such people and see nothing but lying for attention. I owe NO ONE an explanation, especially a narc!!
Just found your canal and love to see all videos. Helped me a lot to not care to much about my narcissistic mother that made me always to feel guilty. Thank you so much for the advice! ❤️
Great video. Empowering. In this current time of extremely-cautious speech, I think your message of being "exactly who you are" is more important than ever. Perhaps sincerely accepting each other for who we are is the key here. Thanks for sharing. I look forward to more of your content.
I really appreciate your video bc there are people around me that I don't choose to have in my life who think i have to justify my appearance or what I eat to them ! I am sick and tired of this!
This video's speech and lecture is priceless! It really provides some tools to navigate one's own inner landscape and thus get surplus for a better life and surplus for other people! Thanks JKC
Thanks for the great video Julia. I like to mix maple syrup into jar of almond butter. Throughly mix the ingredients and put in the fridge. Stir the almond butter and syrup. The syrup comes to the top. When it’s cold it is delicious. I can eat it by the spoonful.
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter here! I love this talk. I would place this under radical self-acceptance and I love that.
Some quick comments. I have the opposite experience and I get criticized for the “unhealthy foods” I eat. “That’s not healthy” “You are getting too fat.” “You need to lose weight.” My justifying (yet true) thought is “Well, it isn’t that I don’t like healthy foods - I LOVE healthy foods - but my problem is that I also LOVE unhealthy foods! (And is that even a problem?) See how I justify myself that way! Also, yes, syrup on sausages is great! Lol Here are my notes:
7 Things You Don't Need to Justify to Anyone:
When we try to justify ourselves, it means we are really seeking others' approval.
We want others to approve of us, then we can approve ourselves as well.
We are outsourcing our sense of self, instead of getting clear about who we are and what we do and making and liking our own decision in life.
You don't need to justify what is important to you. (Your taste in music, food…etc…) Being apologetically yourself. (The most important kind of courage that we can get, is the courage to be our imperfect selves. - Adler) Being ourselves is the antidote to shame and self-loathing. Our career paths. Is your food or health choices. Our appearance. Our goals and dreams that we are pursuing. Why we are putting ourselves first.
Great talk. Thanks Coach!
To everyone and anyone reading this, remember always what a worthy and valued person you are. You matter. ❤
Thank you for your work Julia. I watch your videos regularly and they are very helpful to me as a source of inspiration and material for reflection. Greetings from Poland! 😘
Just listened to your emotional immaturity signs it’s excellent precise and a very clear understanding and yes I have experienced several of these signs from my late husband and a few friends. I feel it can be very taxing on you to have these people in your life thus I choose after much thought to not be in those relationships I have great and healthy relationships I totally enjoy and have come to realize I don’t need to be in relationships that are toxic thanks for this information you’re a great therapist
Thank you so much for this, it sounds obvious but I needed for someone to outline it for me, because I’m so guilty of over explaining. Also thank you for bringing up the reason why we do that.
Hello My name is Mariyah Watkins And I just started watching with everything that's going on I feel like I can learn something new everytime I watch It like I can get something out of it everytime
Basically, and honestly, I wasted about 49 of my 50 years of existing in this world caring about and valuing the opinions and views of other people and especially haters. All I received from those wasted years was lessons learned and lost life and time. I really could care less about what others think or what you think is your best ideas for me. You aren't me you don't have my same life experiences and you don't know how I feel deeply inside about losing such a huge enormous part of my life to people and things that didn't care a thing about me at all.
Hi I really resonated to your previous videos about defensiveness and justifications. I am looking forward to this video for a little more in-depth information. You are helping me see my truth a lot! Thank you!!!
I love this video! After many years of seeking approval from family and friends, I decided enough was enough! I'm fine with liking Snoopy and watching old movies! And I'm fine with my decision not to smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol. If anyone wants to call me a square, then whatever!
4:38 1. What's important to you 7:09 2. Being yourself 9:58 3. Career path 14:07 4. Health choices 17:17 5. Appearance 17:51 6. Goals and dreams 21:58 7. Why you put yourself first.
I have just experienced how one of my best friends got upset when I wouldn’t want to see them at my place. She helped me, like few days before, to find my way to my first AA-Meeting, so she thought I would have lost the right to set boundaries or something. (And no, she didn’t want to make sure that I stay sober, she just wanted to hang out in my garden) And she was still upset after days, blaming me for a bad experience at the park, where she wouldn’t have gone when I let her in… That was the point when I realized how superfluous justifications are. And that video helped me a lot, to understand why: Some people just don’t get it! But that’s none of my business 😉
Justifying ourselves to others can undermine our autonomy. We get less clear, confident and comfortable in what we are doing. Justifying ourselves happens bcz of our low self- estee. It happens bcz we are approval seeking, through which we seek to approve ourselves. But we are outsourcing ourselves. This can hold really us back. Bcz the most important opinion is ours.
This video is a miracle. 33 years of my life revolved around justification. Now I'm making a change. Love this!
Celebrating you! Thanks for sharing this.
Mine too. Now I'm not afraid to like what I want and do what I want! 😊
Being on disability I always felt I needed to justify it around people who stigmatize it (thinking I'm "riding on backs of taxpayers", a "vacation every day", not "willing to work", etc.). I used to stammer when they'd ask why I'm on disability, but now after learning about boundaries I just answer, "I won't bore you with my medical details". And if they press further, I say, "I don't discuss my medical with anyone but my doctor".
It is so hurtful and daunting. Neighbors have been so cruel that I don't want to have anything to do with most of them. Unbelievable comments and actions. Bless you❤
Thank you so much for these alternative options!
Right here with you! 🫶Thank you for Sharing your empowering responses, I’ll use them from now on! 🙏💪
Those are some really good responses. I’m very insecure about that as well because I get those same remarks as well and it makes me feel really bad about myself.
Everyone has a background story. People are not entitled to know about it. It is up to you whether you choose to share it. And whether they want to listen to it, of course, is up to them. Listening doesn't necessarily mean understanding either. At the end of the day, only you know what you are going through and why you have to make certain decisions in your life.
I loved the “you don’t owe the world your beauty” quote it was so mind blowing.
"Outsourcing our sense of self" Wow. That's great.
Thank you Julia!
1. The things that are important to you ( food, hobbies)
2. Your career
3. Your food choices.
4. Their appearance
5. Your goals and dreams
6. Why you are putting yourself first
Feedback appreciated...👍
Wanting more info and insight..?
Whatapp the number above..
Endeavor to reach out...💬
Thanks!
Food choices? What if the food choice is people? What if food choice is a family of other animals?
@@Izkapts🙄
@@Izkaptsthat’s how world 🌎 works. The food chain pyramid.
When I was leaving my abusive spouse after 28 years, your vids, knowledge and even the kindness in your voice helped me more than you will ever know. I still throughly enjoy your style, choices of vids and the way you share them. May God bless you for your effort to help others in this crazy ride of life......I am sure I am not the only one who has found solace and peace in being a part of "your little community in this corner of the internet......"
Okie Girl🤠
Its almost ridiculous that we have to be told these things yet your advice is invaluable ❤ People are bullies and im over it!
Proving is like putting yourself in a way that whatever you are experiencing are still lies. I think the core message of this video is, never allow other people to make you feel guilty until proven innocent. You do not need to prove anything at the first place.
Big truth right here. Thanks for the great summation.
I found alot of people are very judgemental, they judge what we do and don't do so that's probably why we feel we have to justify ourselves.... I prefer to distance myself if these people keep on questioning me, it's none of their business....
Same here❤
Woman, I've seen many therapists in my life but you are one of the best. Thank you
1. What's important to you, 2. Being yourself, 3. Career path, 4. Health choices, 5. Appearance, 6. Goals and dreams, 7. Why you put yourself first.
So they're all literally the same thing?
@smkfet I don't necessarily think #3 is the same.
This is a very important piece of the puzzle of establishing our identity. I have done some work in the last years to know who I am. Now I am training myself to not over explain my choices or not explain at all. Thank you for helping me to just be me.
Awesome
Constantly trying to justify yourself to others is absolutely exhausting and soul- sucking. Why is it people expect me to justify standing up for myself? Yes, and how I look at the gym is no one's business because it's not affecting anyone else's workout!
amen to this!
We don’t need to justify why we don’t want to drink
Yes! There are certain people in my life who act disappointed, like I don't want to "have fun" with them, when I turn down a drink 🙄
Yes!!! And I don't need to justify why I don't want to smoke weed either!
4th video I've watched now and I'm getting super excited because I see a possibility of me being on the verge of a major breakthrough.
Great video! I would add one more thing: Don't justify or apologize for being educated. I see this ALL the time people feel judged if they use a fancy term or speak a foreign language. They always add something like "oh look at me, I'm smart pants..haha..." Even college teachers say something similar to that to students....That just sad. Be humble within reason, but also be proud of the learning work that you've done.
Seeking others approval is self confidence removal A fantastic insight on how to treat yourself right Thanks Julia
Having been exposed to a person with narcissistic traits, I felt almost always having to justify my actions which of course is tied up with their insecurities. I sent flowers to a mutual friend who lost her mother and this other person (the narc) said I did it to show off/go over the top. I did it because I too have lost my mother and appreciated when others showed some loving words and actions. But I found myself having to justify myself, then felt awful if others did see me as a show off/insincere. I know now my actions were genuine and now hate the fact I stood there floundering and apologising. We should all learn these valuable lessons at a young age so we’re not having to justify to others and stand firm in our own decisions.
Narc was projecting what he would do onto you. He would have sent flowers to show off. It wasn't about you, it was about him.
Amen to that..Im 35 yrs old, living with narc parents..and I'm done..God bless you Mam😍🤗❤❤🙏
You have so many videos that I can't believe I could watch for free. They're so powerful and impactful. I've considered booking an appointment with a psychologist and getting therapy but their fees are quite expensive. Much more than other doctors. Mental health is so expensive now. I'm happy there are free resources like this over the internet. Taking my journey to healing slowly but surely.
Great discussion. I’m dealing with stepdaughters. After 22 years they have been so mean and critical and you have helped me lots tonight. From Australia xx
Really glad this connected. Sending you clarity and peace on your journey.
Time to stop trying. Try less. Suit yrslf
Never raise another man’s child
May I know how old are they? And are you married with their father after they are grown up adult or you met them when they still teenagers?
This is a really excellent talk. I work in a hair salon behind the chair for 40yrs. You just pointed out a few more things I don't need to justify. I'm thoroughly enjoying your whole youtube channel.
Yes, the other way around for me. They don't get to be snarky if I want cake & icecream while they're all getting seeds & spinach salad. So blessed for friends like that!
Feedback appreciated...👍
Wanting more info and insight..?
Whatapp the number above..
Endeavor to reach out...💬
“Your allowed to show up in EXISTENCE…..” LOVE THIS. I love the things you say. These are great to hear!!
Loved this! Especially today, I had to stand up and tell my boss I need a week to fly home for loss of my grandma
I hope your boss was supportive and understanding. Sending you love as you grieve.
This was a very soothing video to find. I came across the words "compensatory disorders" yesterday in the context of an unstable personality who makes up for their self-perceived shortcomings by really going for the gold and approval in other ways, to compensate. It's hard to find a video on that but this was pretty close to what I was seeking. Thank you for working with people who are trying to develop healthier mindsets.
Thank you Julia I spent 52 years living for everyone else unable to get to know myself. I came out a trans-woman and was happy of me for the first time in my life. But was told I was wrong because everyone else was now sad. This did not persuade me from being myself but what I realized is it took me 52 years before I began to actually know who I am. What you said here today is so beneficial for me because I'm trying to learn to be me and love myself. Past pressure and society continue to say I have to be for them but I can't. I need to be me no matter what or who says or thinks. You have inspired me to fight harder to do for self and know I am right. My boyfriend has told me to just be me but I never understood that until now. Thank you so much!
Hello Jessica. I also was struggling for many years with finding my identity (I am 26 now) until I began having a relationship with Jesus. It really is life-changing. Therapy is also a very great tool. Have a blessed day :)
@@NZelalem96 hello, I understand where your coming from. However, I believe in God through Christ Jesus. Most people in religions condemn people like me just as did my family. Although I know God made me as I am and also is teaching me every day how humanity must stop looking to thier own righteousness but see who they truly are and humble themselves before God who shows mercy to whom he will. Knowing we have no righteousness in ourselves but wholly look to and depend on the righteousness of Christ to cover us as children of God.
Well done Jess, enjoy your life 🙂
@@jessicashaw7143 I'm sorry you experienced that. I can relate as I've experienced this at my church too, but in a way it brought me closer to Jesus. Humbling ourselves yes Amen God bless you sister.
When my Mum was in her 90’s I asked her, a bit flippantly, what advice she had, and quick as a wink she said “be yourself”, such a few words to convey so much complexity. I’m learning more and more about what those words really mean, allow, and encourage in me. One of the most profound pieces of advice she gave me, which continually guides me, along with these videos.
Yes yes yes!!!! There is so much freedom in learning how to not feel the need to justify yourself!
Yes!!
Outsourcing our sense of self. Very interesting concept. I have a friend who is pretty overbearing and is super opinionated. In this relationship I have learned to say no. I learned that no is a sentence just like yes. I have found the more I explain the less empowered I feel. I am learning to not offer more than is needed and in this way I feel. empowered. I am learning to love myself just as I am.
Learn to be happy being alone
Thank you for this message. I am so thankful that the Lord has given me strength, to keep going, even though I want to give up. I have two beautiful boys both are autistic. My husband passed away years ago. I’m all alone. I lost my job over declining the vaccine. LIKE MANY OTHERS! I declined due to my pre existing health conditions lupus and heart disease. I’ve been struggling to provide for myself and my children since losing my job from Forsyth hospital. I’m now waitressing, and I’m thankful, but I’m not making nearly enough to get by. Groceries are super expensive. Every month is a battle to not end up on the streets with my two children. I’m constantly in fear of losing my home. To even think about being on the streets with two young children is terrifying. But even as I face homelessness seemingly every month. I have faith, God will provide! With GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! Faith over fear.
Hi, Grannie Cyndy from South Australia here.
Golly, I feel for you. People hear you. God does too.
The fact that you're on this channel shows that you are on a learning path. Keep walking the walk. God will sustain and lead you.
God bless you richly. Xxx
It must be hard not to be overwhelmed. This channel will help you I’m sure. Sending courage and hope.
God bless you very much, sending you lots of love 💐🙏
Mom you are so strong . Never give up .
You child will thank you for being a good mom one day . And if u don't mine
Where do u live ? Please let me know .
You can get survivor benefits from social security
I always feel as though I need to justify my career path to my parents. As such, this video is super useful !
Your channel has been a blessing Ms. Julia. This is how I'd need a voice back to when I express my struggles, not and you articulate it perfect, "Then stop being that way!" when it's easier said than done. I mean I have to work with people sometimes who have an unflappable way of being critical but I'm not the one blowing my lid because I'm now self playing to myself that "everybody's just the way they are". I came here because I was having a real breakdown with my mother who is just not no matter how many victories over defeats, just can't get out of her head that my defeats count and not my victories and keeps helicopter hovering me how i should be organized. i guess with some downpoints, the good one here was that i ran into this very helpful channel. thank you, Ms. Julia
Hi JULIA ❤ I am learning one of the things I dont need to justify is the healthy choices I make when I feel triggered in conflict. When I feel the tell tale signs of trauma response in my body OR signs that continuing will end in an argument... I may say, "I need to bow out and regroup. I need to process some things. I am going to go tot he park to walk. I am going to pray and journal" etc...often times those very healthy things can be challenged when those things are WISE and is evident of growth.
I will work on not justifying my healthy communication pauses/trauma healing choices when someone questions the validity or turns it on me.
After counseling about this, I have recently said, "Going forward, I want to let you know I will continue to choose to do healthy things when I feel it is appropriate to process things and later regroup and no one can stop me" 🤷🏼♀️
If we stop justifying our own choices so much toward others, if we live more for ourselves/ by our own values and preferences and "own" what we do-
I think we can allow others to be themselves, to follow their own path much easier as well.
Thanks for this encouraging and empowering video! ❤️
Amen to all of this. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
The ones about food health choices are delightful! I have some special needs and my own quirky way of caring for myself. I sometimes can feel accosted by people with advice about things to try, or ways I could better manage. The temptation to justify my own choices can kick in. It can be tricky for me to shift the conversation away from their unwelcome "good advise.
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Thank you for your channel!
We need the freedom to be ourselves without justification from anyone!🙏❤️🕊🌟🎶🌹💝
God bless you!!
Hi Julia, Francis from France here. I discovered your channel today and I would like to thank you for all the pieces of advice you’re giving a special thank for that video which answered a dilemma I am facing recently. Before my depression and burnout, I was clung to my phone, answering quite immediately. Now, I decided that I would answer whenever I chose (sometimes 2 days afterwards). Friends and family do not understand my decision with its cohort of blame, ways I should behave. With the opposite reaction 😂 Habits are hard to change but time for MYSELF is now important and non negotiable.
Thanks for sharing this! Maybe we can add 'You don't have to justify what your expenses are'.
300,000 subscribers. Congratulations Julia! Thank you for your wonderful teaching.
Thanks Trish! I'm grateful for every human here wanting better for themselves and their lives. It truly is inspiring.
@@juliakristinamah Time to update your profile picture with a new number! Lol
Just ordered "Drive Your Own Darn Bus" I'm New to watching/listening to Julia and I am really liking what Julia has to say and is very important to me! Thanks Julia!
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The part about not owing the world your looks really resonated with me. I got made fun of as a child in school because of my disability and still am self conscious, though not as much as I used to be. But I’ve been struggling with body image lately because I’ve tried to lose weight for a long time and now perimenopause is making it even harder.
You do not owe the world a certain type of body Liz - remember that.
I'm learning the hard way I don't have to justify myself while grieving the loss of my child
No you don't and everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. You cry when you need to cry and talk about you child when you need to. Embrace your grief and don't run from it so you will heal in a healthy way.I'm so sorry for your loss. May you find peace at the cross.
Blessings to you. Grieve in your own way. Take as long as necessary. There are support groups for child loss trauma. Sometimes people can be so cruel. Take it a day at a time.
Sending ❤ and blessings
I'm so sorry 😢❤
I sent you hug and love from afar
I need to hear this 50 more times.....trusting myself. Knowing my worth because of who He says I am.....that's it....gold!
Timing has never been better. I am itching so much to explain why I made my decision to a family member who is passively upset, which is understandable, but I changed my mind because I didn’t fully evaluate the situation I was putting myself into. Anyways, I hope one day this will come to me naturally.
It will with practice and with feeling more solid and secure in who you are.
I hate when I am around smug married folks and I need to justify why I am single and don’t have children. Why do married folks do this?
I am an independent woman who can stand on my own 2 feet.
Consider that they may envy your freedom! Just smile and say "that is MY choice, you live your life according to your choices". For years my husband and I had to defend our decision not to have children and I eventually learned that the people who criticized us the worst, were those who were the most unhappiest because of their own choice to have kids, so don't let them bother you. Good on you for being able to be independent -- enjoy it! (From a woman who envies you for that!)
By independent you mean an adult? Do men say they are independent?
I think their is a kind of jealousy some married people have toward those who are happily single with no kids. Some people are in unhappy marriages because they don't know how to be single. Some married people secretly envy happily single people.
Lack of control in oneself make someone desire control on other
In marriage they can't control their spouse fully or the circumstances (like financial issue etc), so they will seekig to try controlling other people life decision that they perceived as easy target (married person find themselves knows better than single woman)
Been there and hate it a lot
It’s refreshing to be with others who are actively and deliberately shifting!!!!
Totally brilliant. This was so so beneficial for me. I feel suddenly free to be myself. Something I haven’t been for many years. Thank you so much Julia❤
See my name here Julia, Jodie is cool. Your videos have helped me love and embrace myself. I am cool. And I have a heap of other attributes that I am finally proud of. Thanks to you x
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- don’t need to justify the things that are IMPORTANT to u.
- being unapologetically yourself
-your career path
-your food or health choices
- your appearance
-the goals/dreams ur persuing
-why u put yourself first
Great talk! The one thing I constantly feel I have to justify is my time. Typically this is to my significant other. I'm struggling with how much of that is his and how much of that is mine.
The story about your daughter was so cute and it brightened my day. Thank you. I love your work !!!
I grew up in a narcissistic extended and immediate family cult so developing the posture to get over justification has been a mountain to climb
Hello and thank you from The UK! I have found this video very comforting as i am 61 years old, (This is me in a recent photo on my profile picture) and due to me being on the receiving end of a very abusive, so called family, whom i ran away from, over 40 years ago, i never had a childhood or a teenage life because they never allowed me to leave their house except for school, work and grocery shopping for them and they would flog me with belts and a piece of cut up hosepipe for even asking to be allowed out. I was always scared and lonely in that hovel/prison! This has made me, as an adult, want to be very thin and dress very young. I feel real good, by dressing in this way, but whenever i go anywhere, i get ridiculed by unknown women the same age as myself. You have made me finally realise, it is none of their business. Before, i would feel guilty about dressing in my chosen way and as my confidence is very low, i almost felt they were right to criticise me, but now i realise, i have been shaped into who i am and other people have no say in how i dress. I wear short tight dresses, mini skirts, slashed jeans, tattoos and piercings, but society says that at my age i must have short silver hair and wear very conservative clothing! There are even lots of toxic videos on -line, 'advising' us older ladies what we "MUST NOT" wear! At long last i think to myself, i can wear what i please as long as i don't hurt anyone, so there!!! ....... Thank you so much, pretty lady, for helping me to see the light! Kind regards! xxxxxxx
I’m on your waitlist.
Your teachings have helped me greatly in creating a new healthy lifestyle mentally/emotionally. Thank you!
Can't wait to welcome you Tanya - you're going to get so many shifts out of it.
Thank you Julia. I lived for years expecting acceptance from my family;mother and siblings. It has taken me years to realize that I am myself. I am what people/family want me to be. It started after marrying a woman that they could not approve of. Instead, I have lived being gas lit from left,right and center. You education here is for me. I suffered childhood trauma. Now, I want to just be. Just who i am. No justification,no validation,no accetance,nothing. Thank you
Julia, I love watching your videos. You are so down to earth and easy to listen to. I personally like your videos in black and white...something different. Thank you for helping us to better deal with getting through the tough times in life!
Great advise I’m new here and in todays world just gaining more knowledge is power . Thank you for teaching things that are easy to understand 🙂that in itself helps .
Great topic and important to stress.
I don’t try to “fit in” and never have. No apologies for my taste in music, oatmeal or Gin.
“I gotta be me, it’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it!”
Syrup is good on sausage.
Glad we're on the same page when it comes to the syrup and sausage Mark ;-)
What kind of syrup is that?
@@vonn2221 maple
Not that I needed another reason to love you but yes to syrup on the sausage. I am glad you and I connect on that among many other things! 🎉
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We are all different, that is what makes life wonderful, you shouldn’t have to justify the things that make you unique, Providing it doesn’t hurt others.
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I love every single bit of your video Julia. I totally agree with what you said. Self-care is hugely important in our healing journeys! Thank you.
You are so welcome. Glad to be on this journey with you Iza.
@@juliakristinamah Thank you so much for everything you do for me!
Amazing ideas and tips 😊❤🎉
I love your videos. My ex boyfriend & I both watched your videos when we first met. Your video's remind me I am my own person before I start ruminating.
Yes and yes! Thanks for being here.
The plant-eating girl in the meat & potatoes community is me for the last almost 7 years! The first few years, it was very difficult for me to feel so judged, be openly mocked and have people trying to make me feel as if I was trying to be better than them. Now that I've worked through many of my own insecurities, am used to being "different," have removed myself from the reach of the most public mocker, and my family has mostly gotten over themselves about it (after I finally let them know it was not ok to treat me that way + set that & other firm boundaries with them!), it's way easier to eat as I need to for my health without being hurt by others about it
Syrup and Sausage with a Side of Kale!
Oh, if only I was still interested in writing songs, this could have been a great one that your discussion just inspired me to write. But, I do not feel the need anymore to justify my existence by trying to create something great, and I thank you for helping me with this. I so appreciate the value of your inspiring input. 🤸 🤸♂ 🤸♀ 🤸
Super- helpful video Julia Christina! You might find I repeat what you said in my comments but thats the way I learn. Hope thats okay. Thats the way I have done my learning. Thank you!!
really enjoying these talks. Helping me both personally and as a clinician.
I'm getting better little by little at setting boundaries. Especially with narrsistic people. I probably saved myself alot of pain simply by recognizing someone as a narrsistic person at my church who was hoovering me and trying to suck me into his world of lies and deception. Had I befriended this person I would have ended up feeling worthless and been a door mat. I recognized the toxic behaviors very quickly and backed away fast. This person was staring at me intensely with black eyes (intimidation attempt) during church service and he also did a crab pose that bodybuilders do (intimidating attempt again) all in the middle or church service lol. 😳. I want NOTHING to do with such people and see nothing but lying for attention. I owe NO ONE an explanation, especially a narc!!
Just found your canal and love to see all videos. Helped me a lot to not care to much about my narcissistic mother that made me always to feel guilty. Thank you so much for the advice! ❤️
Great video. Empowering. In this current time of extremely-cautious speech, I think your message of being "exactly who you are" is more important than ever. Perhaps sincerely accepting each other for who we are is the key here. Thanks for sharing. I look forward to more of your content.
Really glad it connected my friend.
I really appreciate your video bc there are people around me that I don't choose to have in my life who think i have to justify my appearance or what I eat to them ! I am sick and tired of this!
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This video's speech and lecture is priceless!
It really provides some tools to navigate
one's own inner landscape and thus get surplus for a better life and surplus for other people!
Thanks JKC
You're so welcome - really glad it connected.
Thank you Julia Christina for this very informative message. I will follow your advice.
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Thanks for the great video Julia. I like to mix maple syrup into jar of almond butter. Throughly mix the ingredients and put in the fridge. Stir the almond butter and syrup. The syrup comes to the top. When it’s cold it is delicious. I can eat it by the spoonful.
Very true. I will be teaching this to my young son as he is growing up. Thank you ❤️👍
You are so welcome. He's lucky to have a dad who's invested in his mental and emotional wellbeing early on.
This is greatly appreciated 😂
This all felt self-evident, but I'm glad it was said. It's nice to have a record of what people think. Especially when it's so agreeable to me. Lol
I love your book!!! Thank you. Your channel is by far my favorite. I’m learning so much, I’m on your waitlist. ❣️
So glad you loved the book -and I can't wait to welcome you into the shift.
We really appreciate your work and your style, thank you for being so kind and thanks heavens for you; to me to u, to u to me.
So glad you're here Amy - thanks for watching.
Hi Julia! Senior Shifter here! I love this talk. I would place this under radical self-acceptance and I love that.
Some quick comments. I have the opposite experience and I get criticized for the “unhealthy foods” I eat. “That’s not healthy” “You are getting too fat.” “You need to lose weight.”
My justifying (yet true) thought is “Well, it isn’t that I don’t like healthy foods - I LOVE healthy foods - but my problem is that I also LOVE unhealthy foods! (And is that even a problem?) See how I justify myself that way!
Also, yes, syrup on sausages is great! Lol
Here are my notes:
7 Things You Don't Need to Justify to Anyone:
When we try to justify ourselves, it means we are really seeking others' approval.
We want others to approve of us, then we can approve ourselves as well.
We are outsourcing our sense of self, instead of getting clear about who we are and what we do and making and liking our own decision in life.
You don't need to justify what is important to you. (Your taste in music, food…etc…)
Being apologetically yourself. (The most important kind of courage that we can get, is the courage to be our imperfect selves. - Adler) Being ourselves is the antidote to shame and self-loathing.
Our career paths.
Is your food or health choices.
Our appearance.
Our goals and dreams that we are pursuing.
Why we are putting ourselves first.
Great talk. Thanks Coach!
To everyone and anyone reading this, remember always what a worthy and valued person you are. You matter. ❤
Thank you for your work Julia. I watch your videos regularly and they are very helpful to me as a source of inspiration and material for reflection. Greetings from Poland! 😘
Really glad you're here and I'm so glad they've been helpful. Good for you for showing up for yourself.
Thank You Julia For Coming Back With Another Great Video,Denis🧸😘
Just listened to your emotional immaturity signs it’s excellent precise and a very clear understanding and yes I have experienced several of these signs from my late husband and a few friends. I feel it can be very taxing on you to have these people in your life thus I choose after much thought to not be in those relationships I have great and healthy relationships I totally enjoy and have come to realize I don’t need to be in relationships that are toxic thanks for this information you’re a great therapist
Hi Julia! I just got your audiobook. I’m excited to listen to it. I’m glad you are the narrator. Thank you for all that you do.
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Thank you so much for this, it sounds obvious but I needed for someone to outline it for me, because I’m so guilty of over explaining. Also thank you for bringing up the reason why we do that.
Hello My name is Mariyah Watkins And I just started watching with everything that's going on I feel like I can learn something new everytime I watch It like I can get something out of it everytime
You had me at syrup on sausage! 😂 Seriously though, every girl ever, needs to hear you!
Basically, and honestly,
I wasted about 49 of my 50 years of existing in this world caring about and valuing the opinions and views of other people and especially haters.
All I received from those wasted years was lessons learned and lost life and time. I really could care less about what others think or what you think is your best ideas for me. You aren't me you don't have my same life experiences and you don't know how I feel deeply inside about losing such a huge enormous part of my life to people and things that didn't care a thing about me at all.
Thank-you. Much to process. Cried thru the whole video
Good morning Julia Kristina I just finished reading Your book
Wonderful! I hope you loved and got a lot out of it.
Hi I really resonated to your previous videos about defensiveness and justifications. I am looking forward to this video for a little more in-depth information. You are helping me see my truth a lot! Thank you!!!
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Thank you Julia for the video
You are so welcome. Thanks for being here.
Thank you. I just found this channel and have watched 6-7 of your talks. Responds well with me. Rigmor, Norway
Yahhs Our choices/taste/seasonal changes are our own business. Ty Ms.
I love this video! After many years of seeking approval from family and friends, I decided enough was enough!
I'm fine with liking Snoopy and watching old movies! And I'm fine with my decision not to smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol. If anyone wants to call me a square, then whatever!
4:38 1. What's important to you
7:09 2. Being yourself
9:58 3. Career path
14:07 4. Health choices
17:17 5. Appearance
17:51 6. Goals and dreams
21:58 7. Why you put yourself first.
I have just experienced how one of my best friends got upset when I wouldn’t want to see them at my place. She helped me, like few days before, to find my way to my first AA-Meeting, so she thought I would have lost the right to set boundaries or something. (And no, she didn’t want to make sure that I stay sober, she just wanted to hang out in my garden) And she was still upset after days, blaming me for a bad experience at the park, where she wouldn’t have gone when I let her in…
That was the point when I realized how superfluous justifications are.
And that video helped me a lot, to understand why: Some people just don’t get it! But that’s none of my business 😉
Just wonderful advice Julia.. Thank you!
Love love love this so much!! Thank you ❤🩷🌼🌈💭🤍🌙✨💕🌸
Justifying ourselves to others can undermine our autonomy. We get less clear, confident and comfortable in what we are doing. Justifying ourselves happens bcz of our low self- estee. It happens bcz we are approval seeking, through which we seek to approve ourselves. But we are outsourcing ourselves. This can hold really us back. Bcz the most important opinion is ours.
I wanted to be a History teacher Julia because I love History.