I recently “broke up” with a friend because of this. She didn’t own any part of it. The broken friendship was all my fault in her eyes. This only made me realize I was making the right decision. 😂
“Keep in mind, a good friend is hard to find” - Son House I think another reason is, when we have conversations, we obviously want them to go smoothly. It should be casual, breezy, and light. And when someone crosses the line, it’s hard to confront, so you get frustrated and can’t say what you really mean. And then you think…enough of this person.
Thats funny you say that, because my friend literally sais every time we see each other she would not talk to me if she didnt know me from before based on how i look and what values i have :)
I was having a dinner with a friend that I was feeling annoyed by. During that same dinner I decided that was the last time I was going to hang with them. After the dinner, they seemed surprised by my choice and that hurt me for a while. Yet, I can’t imagine my life now with them as a apart of it.
I have outgrown basically all my friends. It's painful but it is what it is. We grow, we change. Sometimes the unhealed you didn't choose the right people. It's okay to let them go.
It took me courage to end up the friendship for decades (highschool) Because i had a discernment by how friend/s shows on silent treatment of me Making me feel uncomfortable silence with them It made me strong drawing of Boundary away from Toxic ppl 😢💔 i closed My social media account where the said friends counted.. I registered a new account but only family and trusted friends are in the circle ⭕ so far , i am enjoying the exclusive time for a few trusted One ❤❤❤ i am not interested knowing updates on them💯✅
@@laymayday I feel what you're saying. I felt the same way. I was so afraid of being alone or not being able to stand up for myself that I put up with this toxic dynamic in this circle of friends and allowed myself to be treated in a way that made me suffer. Today I ended it and left the group. I did it without blaming anyone, I simply expressed my feelings and my opinion (which I was also afraid of, being rejected or laughed at because of the situation). If you're still afraid of that, don't beat yourself up about it, you'll do the right thing at the right time. I saw that your comment was a bit more recent than the others, so I thought I'd share it with you. I hope you can use some of it for yourself and I wish you all the best.
Friendships expire when your friend isn't happy for your successes, when they criticize everything you do, when they talk nonstop about their problems but never listen to yours, when they ask for all the favors and help but never help you out when you need it. When they continually let you down but you would never think of letting them down. Walk away from these "friendships."
And the signs of that that come out when they're doing their mastery narcissism class on you is to pretend to be so relatable... Then they become hypercritics of you just like they were all sudden of other people five years into the friendship
YOOOO I hit my early 20s ! & man I SEE IT ALREADY 😂😂 atp I just detach myself so much , & I just wait. I wait because I’ve always been in friendships where it’s not completely genuine on THEIR ends. I’m so tired of it! I just wanna have meaningful friendships! People that feel blessed to have me in their lives. Yet I’m constantly feeling like I’m not good enough or not “cool enough” or too odd or whatever it is . Smhh shit is horrible
That's so true, I have few friends at this stage of life, but it took yrs to truly see so called friends were just toxic and manipulative. Good riddance though.
Most "friendships" we cultivate in life are founded on utility or pleasure. We like people for what we can get out of them: inclusion in a social circle, company when lonely, a companion to go out partying with, an interesting conversationalist, a travel buddy, someone we are romantically interested in, etc. Sometimes we are not even consciously aware of these things. But when the utility or the pleasure we get from the other person disappears, or we manage to find it in someone else, then the friendship often breaks down. It's only when we really love the other person's character, i.e. the actual person they are, rather than what we can get out of them, that such friendships can last. But these friendships are very rare. Most people have very few true friends and many people have none. It helps if you realise that most people you meet in life are never going to be a true friend. They will be a 'temporary' friend: someone you engage with and get enjoyment from for a period of time until you both move on. It may feel a bit sad, but I think it's entirely natural.
Good points. I had a guy "friend" who was more of a gaming acquaintence and not someone I would consider a friend to hang out with in a non-game capacity. Long story short, he got really, really mad at me and publicly assaulted me on a forum and ended our "friendship" on an online forum instead of telling me he was angry. Everyone else saw it before I did and had to direct me to the rant. I was surprised. It's not that I want or need this person in my life; I don't. What I don't like and still haven't come to grips yet is the public announcement. His goal was public shaming and humiliation, which isn't exactly a mature thing to do anyway. I know he had anger issues beforehand for some months, but they might have been deeper rooted than I realized. But, I'm also the kind of person with very few meaningful friendships. Two or three, and no romantic relationship for a long time, so I guess I'm not a particularly likeable person anyway.
@@narfellus Please dont be too hard on yourself. I got an out of the blue hand written 4pg.letter that was horrible to read. Had to stop half way thru. Crossed all the third rails for a human to tell another human. Brought other people, ie.family in to add extra hurtfullness . She had ghosted me for months and wrote to let me know why so I wouldnt have to keep wondering. Needless to say I never spoke to her again. I knew going in this person was going weekly to shrink . In fact had driven her to hospital when she had an episode and she was admitted for a couple weeks . Depresion. So some times you just have to swallow the hurt and move on. But try not to let it affect your natural ability to attract real a d nea,thy friendships. PS. Before me, she had written to her family members and done the same thing to them. Be happy these toxic wounded people are gone from their ability to hurt you and will leave space for better experiences with wonderful new friends.
I so wish that I could agree with that, but I have been love bombed so many times. Being excited about a relationship in the first 3 months is great fun but no guarantee that it will be 'good vibes and healthy'. Alas. :-(
I just lost a friend of 50 years. I'd always been the strong one and supported her through every trauma she had. This time around, I needed her. But I may as well have reached out to the air - she wasn't there for me at all. I'm crushed. It really, really hurts.
Going through the same right now. It's very hurtful, but I am finally sick of being the one who always tries to be there and just show compassion and love.
I just ended a friendship with what I call sadly a friend that just couldn’t reciprocate I realized that she couldn’t be there for me because she can barely be there for herself she’s always depressed, crying and moaning, very socially unstable, and she just can’t be there for herself, so why would I expect her to be there for me. So I completely ended it. It’s sad because I felt like no matter what I will be there for her but I have to choose me. It drained me so bad.
letting go of friends, family members, and jobs that do not fill you but only leave you feeling empty shows growth through self-awareness and progress.
Going through life and as you enter your latter years, wisdom teaches you that the average life expectancy of an individual friend or friends as couples has anywhere from 1 to about 4 years at best before it expires. Yes, there will potentially be the very few that remain very long term/indefinite but, those are far and few. Treasure those rare true friends.
A couple of years ago I ended a 40-year friendship because I realized that everytime I saw my friend was because I was the going to visit her in her home. Also, whenever I called her I always felt like I was interrupting something because she was always I the middle of something. So I told her that since she's always busy it would probably make more sense if she initiates the calls so that I would know she actually had the time for a conversation. As it turns out, since I left it up to her to be the one to initiate the calls, I hadn't heard from her in 2 years. Those were the last 2 years of that 40-year friendship. So I just stopped bothering with her altogether because I couldn't believe that in 2 years she couldn't find a few minutes just to have a chat with me. I mean come on... no one is THAT busy!!!
I call those people "Emotional Vampires" They drain you every time you talk to them or have any interactions. I recently had to terminate a friendship because of this.
@@JustJ-Me it happens, but take a step back and see if there’s a reoccurring lesson. Sometimes it really helps to reflect off of why you think they may be attracted to you, what type of personalities they may have, what those people are looking for and why they think you provide it, etc. I’m sure you could come up with different ideas too, but maybe this will be helpful?
@@SeriouslyBubbly Yes, it very much makes sense and I do think it has much to do with myself and what I can provide due to things I can improve within myself.
I had a 20 year long acquaintance with a "friend" I knew to be duplicitous. In hindsight I wonder why I let it last so long, probably a mix of not caring enough to confront the individual, and a misplaced sense of responsibility for their actions. Their need for control, particularly of the opinions of a wider circle of friends, and my desire to be subject to those opinions had simply run its course. The less I cared, the more he needed me to care. If I could offer the younger me any advice, it would be true friendship does not consist of people going walkabout in your head, and boundaries need to be set early. Passive aggressive traits are a warning sign - heed them.
!!! Not only do they drain your energy, but they can also turn YOU into an emotional vampire if you're not careful with boundaries because you're constantly trying to fill the void of energy that they leave you with.
This was a very interesting topic to listen to. I have 'outgrown' many of my friends but don't want to cut them off because then I have no one left. Please do another video on how to make new friends as an adult.
So time spent with people who don’t fit in your life anymore is better than quality time with yourself? Hmmmmm. Might want to rethink that one and focus on building new friendships and not investing in the bad ones, just bc you’re afraid of being lonely.
Yesss! Great idea I’d be intrigued. Cause I totally understand where you’re coming from and what you mean. I’m trying to be more authentic and not get so caught up in thinking so much and living in my head. But more just speaking my truth
If they don't care about who you are as person, don't seek your company other than to get access to your resources or assistance. If they use you as a sounding board, unpaid therapist, chaffeur, bank, personal butler, etc. If they expect you to prioritize them but you're their LAST priority always. If they arent happy for your successes, act envious or fake. Ditch. Them. They are users/takers and will never be people you can count on.
I am 60. Important lessons I lhave learned through experience. People come and go through our lives as needed for our growth. If we don't learn to let them go when it's time, we will just become stuck and stagnant. There are many who don't want inner growth and will try to keep hold of you for their own gain or insecurity, but you have to remove them if you have outgrown the relationship. That is your own decision to make, not theirs. That includes immediate relatives. Too often exhausting toxicity and drama gets played out in the name of "family" ties. A whole lot of emotional and psychological abuse is passed off as "love" in those dynamics which needs to be recognized for what it is, then put down, and move on with your inner healing. We are responsible for the dynamics we engage with and participate in, hence keeping any toxicity going. If you are an adult there are no victims, just equal participants. You are the only one you can change. Focus on that only. You are your life partner. No one else will be with you 24/7 from the time you were born until you depart, so you might as well practice Self Care, which puts no demands or expectations on others. Not to be confused with selfishness, which does nothing BUT place demands and expectations on others to be, act, and do how WE want, so we can be "happy". Part of Self Care is removing selfish people from your life, or at least being true to you and saying no to their " black hole of selfish needs", that in the end never fulfills them for long, or is conducive to their own inner healing. Lastly, you do not owe other's a reason why you do not want to, or can not, accept an invitation to something. A simple no is suffice. A mature adult with accept and respect that. A selfish person will not. If you are intent on growing, you will stop giving energy to that person. Simple.
It must've been destiny that I found this video. I0 months ago I ended the friendship with my best friend of 50 years! I guess I always knew she treated me like shit, but I still hung on. Maybe the friendship was just out of habit? But she started really changing at the end, and got more and more hurtful towards me. I finally hit my breaking point. Yes, I miss her so much, and hope the day comes that I no longer care, but I don't want her back in my life either. From now on, I will only surround myself with people who love me and lift me up. I will get rid of the people who take pleasure in hurting me. It's about time I learned this, I'm old now!
About a year ago, I did total no contact ghosting with a narcissist "friend" and a whole bunch of people associated with that person. This went against my empathetic, people-pleasing grain, but I also knew I had to do it and it would give me strength to push through. As a result, there was no drama (that I had to deal with or hear about), because there was no wood on the fire from me, nothing. It is not cowardly to do so, it is intelligent, self-protecting, self-love. Also remember that the toxic person (narcissist) you have cut from your life usually knows you have figured them out, some of the other people associated might be confused, but that is not your concern. Once you have woken up and identified the toxic people in your life masquerading as friends, do the same. Trying to heal while still being surrounded by toxic scumbags is like trying to dry your hair in a storm, this includes siblings and parents if necessary.
Whoa , I’m a month late in reading this, but really needed to hear this. I have a friend that hasn’t really been a friend to me and it’s been really awkward trying to maintain the friendship. I’ve been wanting to end up by just disappearing but was wondering if that was right or ok. But I also know that if I have a conversation with them about it that it will just turn into drama.
@@legallybored8876 That's exactly right, you know this "friend" isn't the person you can talk to about things, which is another red flag, who is this person I can't even convey my concerns to. Another red flag is if they are over generous, it's designed to make you feel indebted and like you owe them too much to end the friendship. Smash through that double mindedness and go no contact, don't answer a single communication ever again and keep reminding yourself why you are doing it, you don't like them, they are not your kind of person, and the mistreat you. Find out how to block their number on messenger, Facebook etc. And don't engage in any attempts from the flying monkees (mutual friends or associates of the narcissist). Total radio silence and enjoy the peace. Move houses if you need to. Best wishes.
@@legallybored8876I don’t know how bad or awkward it is but I get that. I’m here cause I have a friend who hasn’t texted in like 4 days. We used to talk like every day and she would give me at least 1-2 hrs of a conversation due to being busy. It’s just awkward now cause I haven’t had a response in almost a week and we were awkward prior to this like she doesn’t seem to be as interested in the friendship as much as me at least.
@@legallybored8876I have been thinking the same thing because at the time I’m writing this it feels like my “friends” turned into frenemies because they don’t treat you well and I have been thinking about letting this relationship end for once because it was making me damage but now that I see it they’re people who really suffer form the inside, they want to make you feel bad so they can feel better, and the thing is that although they haven’t seen signals of me not wanting to be friends with them anymore (maybe) I want to say this because it is true “our paths, attitudes and our boundaries are REALLY changing so I think it’s time to end this for our better health” and don’t get me wrong, it may hurt and they may create a drama about it because that’s what they like to do, but one thing is giving them the power to humiliate you and the other is you having the control of not letting this affect you and act before it gets worse. I’m still in school and maybe your already an adult, but even if there’s a big age difference, situations can be similar so don’t let this people ruin your life, be happy and enjoy what you like to do. Have a great day!!!
These days it's hard to find good friends because there are so many people who are more of acquaintance who take advantage than true friends who make the effort.
One thing that sucks is the older I get, the more my friends stop making the effort, stop texting me, stop calling, stop asking to hang out, it's always me making the effort and when I give them a chance to initiate contact they never do. I've had more failed friendships than successful ones, some I've ended, some they did, it's about 50/50.
I am in the same boat here. Always checking in on others, including in gatherings, etc… I wonder when I’ll be thought of.it will be too late. As I am in my cleanse phase.
The older I get, the more I realize most people mostly think of themselves. I am an overly generous, giving, thoughtful person and in my 50’s now, I see just how self-involved a lot of friends are and that I give 95%, they give 5%. It’s like a severe break-up…it hurts. You have to come to a point where you learn to love yourself enough to let go of that which does not suit you anymore. I, too, am a people pleaser…I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a narcissist mother and never learned my own worth. When you try talking to your friends about how you are feeling and they blow you off, listen. Pay attention to their actions. Breaking off friendships can feel like death but when you get more negative than positive out of a friendship, it’s time to re-assess. Don’t be afraid of being alone with yourself. Don’t be afraid of only having 1-2 good friends and not hanging onto friends who aren’t the best for your mental health.
I had a friendship break up after 27 years and that was because we just had grown in different directions. I used to go to see her out of habit and not because i was excited to. I stayed in touch out of nostalgia over the good times but realized we didn't have fun anymore. I have friends now which i have more in common with and so does she. No hard feelings.
I’ve been through similar experiences in two different phases of my life, including the questioning myself thinking that I was “playing superior”. Then I came across a quote that helped me tremendously to understand what was happening. And I hope it can help you, too. Here’s the quote: “Stop shrinking yourself to fit into places you’ve outgrown” - Unknown
There can be significant blocks when you really decide to change. Especially when you are young or young with children. Folks don't have the time nor the energy to put in the work. A sad but truth but helps to dispel anger and refocus on the values to aspire to achieve.
As someone who decided to cut ties with a best friend of 8 years, 5 months ago, I really needed this video. It's been really tough without her, but I know I am healthier without the relationship. I still struggle with it, but this video helped to make me feel like I'm not the bad person for breaking off something that was not healthy for me.
I told a friend of 15 years that I needed a break...its hard and I've been processing a lot of information about the friendship especially with toxic ways it wasnt good for me
Same here! I've been througha process, similar to grieving, even though I cut it off, and I am realizing that when/if a good memory pops up to cherish it then move throughout my day. I hope you can find those moments and that it helps in some way!
@@sarahloffler I relate 😭 I found myself getting interested in reading more fiction books lately, ever since I've been in an extended period of hermitage. Feels like rediscovering my childhood world again. Also thank god for the internet and pseudo-social online interactions and parasocial relationships with youtubers/vloggers 😂
Nothing stays the same.. We are growing and continuously moving forward..some must be left behind..there comes a time in our life.. where isolation becomes a health place.. ❤
It's a terrible feeling when supposed friendships end. The toxic friend always blames you and refuses to see how toxic they are, but glad they cut me off to be free. I myself was a people pleaser, but when boundaries are not respected, it was time to move on. Your situation is identical to what I experienced. Those type of people spend their whole lives taking advantage of people as they continue the cycle.
I recently went through this. And I’m glad this person is no longer in my life. We weren’t in alignment in life anymore and didn’t have shared values anymore so it made sense for us to part ways. It doesn’t mean I hate this person or wish them ill will; we just aren’t meant to be in each other’s life path anymore at this time.
I guess, the hard thing is that even long after you have cut the cords with that person, you still find yourself desperately wanting share things in your life with them. :D That's just how we are as human beings.
@@Katimorton how end my friendship with my trans best friend i dont trust her at she gonna i been sleeping around i not i saving myself for marriage how end it ?.
In friendships and romantic relationships we must feel seen, safe and celebrated. A year ago I ended an 8 year 'friendship' when I realized my "friend" was there when she needed me and yet when I needed help, she always had an excuse.
I recently had major surgery. I live alone and have a few select friends as well as a few new frienships I was cultivating in the new location I had moved to. I came home to nothing and nobody after surgery. The new friends absolutely ghosted me (they live in the same apartment building) and 2 of four of my long term friends fell away. They asked once how I was feeling and then disappeared. My recovery was very hard and the lonliness and abandonment sent me into depression. It is months later and I am doing well now, but I am changed. My heart is broken but I have new health and the prospect of making new friends ahead of me. I just will never,ever depend on anyone to be there for me again. It was a hard lesson to learn when I was at my absolute lowest. But I will never forget it.
I am sincerely sorry that this happened to you. Good that you have physically recovered, and hoping the memory of being left on your own with friends that didn’t reach out fades with time. Compassion was sorely lacking.
I ended a long time friendship, it was the most hardest thing ever but I needed to do this for myself. The friendship did not give me any joy anymore, I was always giving but not genuinely receiving. Even though I feel lost and I will need time to heal, I’m so proud of myself for choosing me after all this time. Thank you for inspiring and helping me.
yep, as raised people pleaser, i can confirm this, when you raised by Narcissist, healthy normal people feels odd to friend with..... i know my brain and my gut giving signs not to engage with Narcissist, but i couldn't control it and still fail...
The question you ask “Would we be friends?” I ask that about family members too. I’ve lost lots of friends over the years as I’ve worked on myself. I keep thinking, I’m just making room for new friends that will come along one day. It's a bit of a struggle for me, but I feel like I've become a better version of myself.
The "making room for new people" is also what I've told myself when I ended relationships or friendships in the past- and it really does work that way. When you're spending all your energy on certain people, you really don't have the ability to let other people in. But once you open yourself (and your calendar) up, new people inevitably, eventually, start trickling in. In my experience, anyway.
My friendship of 23 years ended after I decided to speak up for myself on a night out where she was treating me badly. It wasn't a sudden end, but she clearly didn't want that version of me in her life. Looking back, she treated me badly more than I'd realised, I just put up with it then.
I recently broke off a once very close friendship of 26 years. In the beginning we were like two peas in a pod. We were like sisters but over the years she started changing and it was all about her. I did a lot for her especially when she had cancer but she never reciprocated when I needed her. After awhile she only would do things with me when it suited her. I finally got tired of being a doormat and ended it. She was emotionally draining and it was affecting my mental health. I’m much happier and better off without her.
I’m a therapist & totally agree with you. We all constantly grow and drift apart in the process. It’s totally ok to end old friendships which are not letting you evolve in the direction you wish to go. Reasons can be many, but if you feel that way gently walk away maintain distance.
This problem is increased when you grow up in the countryside or a smalltown, where you're often kind of forced to socialize with people you don't like. I had to walk to school and back with one of the most toxic girls I've ever met for years.
Thank you for being so transparent and connect with your audience as a person not just a therapist. I needed to hear this to give myself permission to feel okay about drawing boundaries and limiting or stoping certain relationships
My old friendship fell apart once I stopped being people pleaser and being a fixer. Sadly, there was no reciprocation or respect. Rather be alone than be in relationships that are draining.
I've just ended two relationships within a year. One is an alcoholic and a know-it-all, and the other horribly self absorbed. I feel mostly relieved. Neither friendship was serving me anymore.
Something that helped me gain perspective was understanding that friendships don’t have to be forever. I think many of us buy into that myth. Sometimes they are for mutual healing and then they organically end. 🙏❤️
My best friend dumped me after 13 years last year, and I still think it's something I did. A mutual friend of ours talked to her and then she dropped me, that mutual friend was toxic and I wanted to let go of her. Idk if it ever gets better. Despite our differences I'd hoped we'd still be friends, we were complete opposites yet made it work for 10 good years before she realized she wanted to focus on her romantic relationship and our other friend who enables and psychologically abuses her. I should've let go when it started to get bad. Would've been better for both of us.
I’m middle-aged and have gone through rounds of this about every 10 years. Have had the same insecurities of letting go friends and wondered if it was just me. When you’re a type of person who is constantly growing, this may be a side effect. I’m glad not to be the only one with this experience. Thank you so much for sharing 🙏🏼 😊
I’ve been through it too But then I feel guilty for not having contact with them or calling to check on them(because they’ve been lifetime friendships) -but then I think 💭 I shouldn’t feel guilty because their energy is not what I want around me..because I’ve grown And I see them still pretty much being their same lame selves..still being negative talking negative..stagnant..I don’t want to see myself like them..I want to move forward for the better..those relationships are not serving me anymore.I really appreciate this video..
@@lucialopez7153 I understand the guilty feelings. I've had friendships with people from junior high and kept them out of loyalty but they were all draining and negative. Like Kati Morton said I'm not the same person I was when I met them. Unfortunately, a lot of them haven't changed since junior high.
I'm at a point right now where I DREAD receiving phone calls/messages from my "friends", and I literally have to put "respond to messages" in my to-do list. Thank you for sharing your story
its tough, you probably gonna feel like youre being cruel AF but you have to do it for yourself, the stress of it is really damaging you on a cellular level
Stopping initiating first is how I prune most of my relationships. I get invested in people and I am willing to put more work in. Ive always worked harder than the people around me (I had a job since I was 14, had all As and Bs K-College, and then had 2-3 full time jobs in college). So when it comes to relationships, I used that same mindset of "It doesn't matter what they are doing, it matters what you are doing" Turns out relationships are collaborative. So putting in 80-90% of the work wasn't the best approach
The majority of my friendships and some sisters relationships have all ended when I was no longer the initiator. When I no longer called texted or visited all the time, it just kind of faded off. It took many years to watch it happen, make the changes to stop allowing it to continue as one sided and get over being hurt. I’m much better now
I think loyalty is essential if two people consider themselves close friends. An old friend of mine once told me that it’s not good to be “Johnny-on -the spot” for people because, inevitably, they will use you. But another friend told me that he was still “Johnny-on-the spot” but only with a few friends that he knew would reciprocate should the shoe be on the other foot.
I've also found that teenagers and folks in their early 20's are all trying to fit in, to be accepted, to not be ostracized, so we all acted alike, which made us somewhat interchangeable as friends and hang-out buddies. And then, as we mature and start following our own path, having grown out of the hive mind of youth, some relationships will naturally diverge as the folks involved do. Only took me a few decades to accept that as OK.
Thank God we mature. I was waiting patiently for that even as a teen. It's good to find commonality and comradery of course...but there's got to be a place for individual expression. Otherwise some would go insane.
Sometimes you just outgrow friendships, lose touch with people because they moved or because their life changed, and then you realize you haven't spoken for a really long time and it would be awkward to reconnect. The pandemic and lockdowns caused a lot of this to happen. Thanks for this video Kati, it really helped a lot of people, me included.
Well said. The lockdown really made things weird, like if you don't hear from someone after, does it mean they are done, or are they still being cautious, or are the just sitting around wondering the same? Just weirdness all together.
Yes, it's a sad thing when they just slowly evaporates. For me, sometimes, it has been something the person said that made me dissapear into myself. With time and therapy, I've come to realize that it would have been better to try to solve the conflict rather than just escaping, even though the latter is more comfortable. Sometimes, it isn't even a thing - you just need fonfirmation so that nothing was misunderstood. I have contacted old friends after a year or two many times, but by then they all think it has gone too long time and don't want to reconnect. That is really sad, when you think about it. This is especially applicable to new friends and acquantaces. With people you have known for a long time, you can sometimes just call them after an entire year and everything is fine - a lot of people say that it is not how often you meet that meks a friendship and that this is what's so good about friends. I disagree. If you never meet and only one of them takes initiatives that's not a real friendship.
I agree that you’re not a shitty friend if you choose to ignore someone for your own peace. Sometimes silence is needed to get a strong message across, especially when your words are falling on deaf ears.
Thank you for video. People change, life circumstances change, life goals change, ect. In short alot of friendships come and go. It’s actually quite rare to have friendships that last for life.
I really hate how when something feels or seems off they immediately try to paint you as a bad person and like it’s your fault.. It’s so not fair how this ruins our life and waste our time and energy.
The friendships that brought a lot of negativity into my life and not much joy are the ones I’ve ended in the last few years. I went from a large circle of friends to barely any friends at all. It’s hard to make new friends in your 30s. There is definitely a lot less negativity in my life, but certainly a lot more loneliness. 😞
I totally agree. I’m 30 right now and feel the same. It’s so much harder to make friends in your 30s. I’m planning to change careers soon so hopefully I’ll make friends in class but I don’t want to go in and expect much. It definitely feels lonely
Try Bumble I met two nice ladies and there's a lot of women on there looking for friends just to hang out talk or go out. If your not happy with a friend it's time for a new one. My parakeet died last week I'm like I could mourn or I could just get a new one which I did. Life is short and God wants us to be happy alone or with anyone. I stopped being a giver too because I don't have to be a hero. Letting go and letting God 🙏
This really resonates with me! I am 66 years old and just learning how to *not* be a people pleaser and I have a very old relationship that needs to end. I believe it will happen naturally (because I am not going to reach out as usual) but this gives me a boost to confirm my instincts and not obsess about my decision. Very helpful!
I’m in your general age range and agree it’s better to limit interactions that aren’t positive for you. I also think as you seem to that it’s better to let bad quality relationships fade out rather than blowing them up, assuming the other person isn’t horrible.
I am around 60 to and had to dump four long term friends as they become toxic with their sarcasm, personal attacks about myself & boring endless banter anyway I moved on from them no regrets
At the age of 50 I'm just now trying to stop people pleasing. I wonder if there will be at least some years of happiness for me. Thank you for your video Kati, it was very helpful.
The same here...why have waited so long 😱 Maybe because deep down I knew how much trouble it would bring as well. Understanding that some relations are not good for you anymore, does not mean you can let go so easily of the other person.
You wonder if there will be "at least some years of happiness for you???!!" That's up to you. You are 50, not 85 and on your deathbed! 50 is still relatively young. I'm 54 and realize that I have to stop looking back at the past with regrets over my actions (or lack of action) because if I don't, I will ruin whatever time I have left. I will learn from the past so I don't make those same mistakes, but I won't live there. Happiness comes from within, it's a choice and well within your control. Don't allow other people to be in charge of it!! If you depend on others for happiness, your happiness is dependent on their mood swings. You truly are at their mercy. Many times I prefer the unconditional love of a critter to a human. Or volunteer. I assume there would be other good people you can meet there. I wouldn't think bad people would be draw to volunteering.
I am now 43. When I was 24 I had the shock of my life when three of my best friends literally abandoned me and treated me like I was subhuman when I needed them the most. I had been friends with two of them since 5th grade. Since then I haven't been able to trust anyone, and I even started distrusting people I normally would trust. This kind of betrayal did have a toll on me in terms of how I approach relationships or not giving much chance for people to get close, even though I easily moved on and forgot all about these people because they have proved to be shitty people after the fact.
🙏❤ A frenemy is not thoughtful. It will always be about themselves. I once had a frenemy who never once said, "Oh come, lemme see where you are staying.. How's the acting going? I watched all of your shows. I watched 'Ugly Betty'; hoping that I'll see you in a scene. I'm so proud of you". None of that. 🙏❤ When somebody comes with snarck comment or they say or do one or two things that is uncalled for, know that that's a frenemy. They're keeping tabs on your life, "When did you buy that? How are you able to afford this?" Frenemies are in competition with you. They're not rooting for you, saying "You go girl! Do your thing. I'm supporting you. I'll be right here." .. They're in competition with you. I just moved out of the way and let her fly past and crash. Let your frenemies go before they drag you into their negativity and they distract you from being friends with bossbabes that love you; you love them; you love each other's families; you evolve; you grow together; she's the wind in your back; she's the sun ahead of you. And she really means the best for you. You have to get rid of a lot of people in your life. They're distractions that will distract you from your destiny, your ultimate goal. Throw them out. Don't respond to their accusations. They're not worthy of your golden time. 🙏❤ You build your brands; your careers, (your husband, your children). Be happy. Evolve to be this positive wonderful person. Don't let negativity in your life. I have seen it a couple of times. It happened to me. There are no regrets; only experiences. -Fumi Desalu Vold
When people walk out of your life, and especially treat you bad.. that can haves hug toll on your trust issues and meeting new people. I just went through this, now I don’t even wanna get to know new people and when I do, I don’t trust them. It sucks, but I also feel like you have to be open and learn to make new friends. I guess the energy of people says it all!
This is a real late reply, but in case I could share something that might still be useful, I'll go ahead. I also went through a handful of betrayals all at the same time, coming from several directions at once. I was gutted, and shell shocked and spent years in a sort of self imposed isolation. Not only was my trust of others destroyed, but also my trust of myself and my judgement. I didn't see it coming in the most important relationships, how could I not see it? I too moved on, and in retrospect, they were shitty people and I'm better off without them (grew up among narcissists). No matter, I see that I have been changed and not much for the better. It's not that I can't get over those betrayals, I'm way past them. It's more that I saw stuff I can't unsee, learned stuff I can't unlearn, and now I'm far less inclined to want to be involved with others and really just want to protect myself. Anyhow, just the other night I stumbled on something called betrayal trauma, I think one vid was by Dr. Ramani, sorry I don't have titles, but I bet if you type that in, you will stumble on stuff that you might find very relevant. I hope life looks a lot more friendly! Best wishes
@@audreyheart2180 I had what I thought was a close friend who I had redefined as a frenemy and recently went NO CONTACT with. The competition which I thought was support initially was just another way to sneakily put me down. They could not help but to see the worst in whoever my family or my friends or lovers were. The CAVEAT was the way that they talked about other people saying how the allegedly felt so crushed for being stupider than they would have been. Eventually I realized that this toxic gossiper was probably doing the SAME STUFF to me behind my back to my loved ones or my friends. They painted everyone else's romantic relationships in the absolute worst light too! They had a nasty enjoyable grin talkin about how these people allegedly felt about their own so-called failures of their lives. Eventually I realized this was nothing but projection and jealousy from this person. Because they had no dating life of their own and they did not look very attractive. Too bad they were just as ugly on the inside as they were on the outside at times too. I realized eventually that whatever they said about anyone else that we mutually knew was nothing but exaggerated gossip. It occurred to me that this person enjoyed very much being a vicious gossip machine. There were lots of good moments in our friendship, so it was painful to let It go. But that last NARC RAGE over catching a rolling eye glance that I tried to not make when they were saying something else as a minor devaluation of my life WAS IT FOR ME! (Nothing like DESTRUCTIVE criticism being presented as constructive criticism). Thank you for this video, Katie. Like yourself, I was in a friendship also where I realized if I didn't do the checking in, no communication was ever made. Like yourself, I respected myself and got out and just like you, one of those people was an ex-girlfriend who only wanted to use me as a parachute for a second whenever her life was getting screwed up by her own doings. (Thank God I had an extra suitcase and just said, "You need to go back to your dad's house.")
@@audreyheart2180 The sneaky "snark" comment that you mentioned too..YEP! The friendship that I got rid of in my last comment I must expand upon and say that that stuff got really old for me too! Anything good my life they would find the negative and rain on whatever parade I was having. Eventually I realized that they were just trying to sneak me into the role of being some subservient friend or Mini Me or whatever you want to call it. I'm kind of happy that they had a rage attack when I would not go along or abide by what they were trying to push me into. (Watch out for fake friends who pretend to be on your level only to try some domination trip on you later over nothing!)
Had to leave a 40 year friendship recently. I realized i was doing all the work and reaching out. No more. I stopped all contact months ago with my good "friend."
Unfortunately I've had to do the same over the last year... it was pretty painful but once I realized that the friendships were heavily one sided I had to do some self reflection to see if I should continue to set myself up for disappointment 😞 So I stopped reaching out and a couple never did... and that was that. I forgave for my own peace of mind and I'm moving on with my life. I can't continue to people please and pour into friendships that aren't being reciprocated. No hard feelings... I'm just shifting my energy into mutually beneficial relationships that fuels my soul.
Thank you so much for sharing, and I'm sorry you've been going through this too. It is hard at first, but over time it does feel better to be able to put our energy into things that fill us up :) xoxo
I have fallen into this category. When my usefulness to them is not there then they have no need of me. So I was only around when they needed me to do things for them. There is one ATM who now is so resentful of me but needs me to piggy back thru college and only communicates when she wants something. So I am working on accepting her for who she is. And moving on and away from that. Can't keep using ppl and being envious as well. This is probably one of my most hurtful relationships. But I am ending it. She only reaches out when she wants something. So I stopped reaching out to ppl an most of them have fallen away. Its a shame because a lot if my so called friends are like this. As time goes by ppl change and mature... Some in positive ways. Some not so much. But I feel guilty like u know they need help... But its draining. And its just only when they want u for something. Sad. I hope someday I am blessed with ppl I can call true friends
Oh my gosh everything you just said I echo! I was tired of being the only giver and not having anything truly reciprocated. So I just walked away from a few relationships and even though sometimes it's very lonely there's a deeper sense of peace in reconnecting with myself and choosing only something that will be life-giving from this point forward!
If you’re the one always texting your friends first, stop texting and see how long it takes them to reach out. I haven’t heard from some people in months. It’s sad at first, but I’m grateful to give that energy back to myself now.
I've been telling myself this for months, but if I don't make the effort I'll never hear from most of these people ever again lool, guess I have horrible friends.
Jessica- Oh gosh your comment really resonates with me. I did stop texting one friend and it’s funny how I sort of realized the friendship wasn’t mutual. Two people have to work at it, for it to work, in my experience.
It's the ultimate litmus test. I didn''t talk to my siblings that much. But I eventually admitted /realized that if they didn't return my calls and then they didn't call me at all, I'm just confirming I'm scape good and I'm glad to be out there. Now in friendships or romantic relationships, the same rule applies. (Who wants to be where do not want it or where they're TAKEN FOR GRANTED for too long?)
A 35 year friendship I was in ended last year. We never had one harsh word or feeling over that time. It all happened so quickly. She had always flaked on getting together or getting together with our group. But she had 3 kids and I always forgave her now her three kids are gone and she was still flaking. I lost my family home in the California fires and when we gathered there to have a memorial type bbq and she flaked. She kept flaking on us getting together but she planned to come on my birthday, annnnd she flaked. When I finally spoke to how this was making me feel her response was “gosh, everything I do upsets you” “this is just how I am” I just got done. Just done and looked back and realized this was always a one sided friendship and that she would only be my friend when it was convenient for her! Didn’t matter if I was sick, didn’t matter if houses burned down. You could not have told me that this friendship would ever have ended but low and behold it did. Crazy.
You don't need her in your life..she is self-centred who needs it you'll make all new meaningful Friendships or even one special friend is fantastic too🙂
What kind of friend doesn't show for you and see if you need help or offer a shoulder to lean on and most sad you went through a fire that took you're home ..so sorry about that hope things have turned around and if I could meet you gladly would but I'm miles away in the Boston area but love Cali!!
I had something similar happen. I contacted an old friend that I hadn't talked to in a while. We talked and made a date to meet and catch up. Within a span of a few phone calls, he tried to manipulate me into several favors even before our meet-up was to take place. He knew the old me. The one willing to help with no thought to my own well-being. It's a new day and a new way, and when he was confronted with my boundaries he disappeared into the sunset. I agree it feels exhaustive to be with people that feel like a ball and chain on our feelings. Love the content of this video. Great job!
First time viewer. It really hit when you asked “when did you become friends with these people?” And “would you be friends with them now if you’re meeting today” Answered it for me. After a divorce, making friends, then getting remarried and having kids… I had one “friend” left. She went on to continue the party lifestyle and even had an abortion. I supported her and answered 3am drunk phone calls of her screaming about her abusive ex bf. I supported her thru that breakup. Recently I went thru an extreme hardship with my husband, neared divorce and it was BAD. it was over my birthday weekend and she didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. Not that I really cared but it was the principle. I always prioritized her and that’s what I get in return. We’re just not going the same direction and I’m done with the bullshit. I will push forward in my mental health and try to be my best self .. hopefully a friend will come along my way
Yep, same thing happened to me. When I started setting those boundaries, suddenly they didn't like me anymore. Multiple people unfriended me. It hurt, but I'm glad I saw their true colors. I'm done pleasing people who don't treat me well.
I had a similar experience. All of the friends I gravitated towards were self esteem parasites or leading me down destructive paths until I had enough and cut them all off for good. I've lost a lot of faith in humanity. Today's crop of human beings have never been so insufferable, myself included at times. A sick society makes the sick sicker.
Yeah the 'sick society' part definitely needs to be addressed. When human beings get reduced to a video game or a meme or a social media post you quickly scroll through and passed...how are any of us worth a shit to maintain a real relationship with.
I can relate to the example of the friend that would never call and only reach out when they needed something. I knew these people since we were kids and I’d always be the one to reach out and was considered the “mom of the group” because everyone expected me to be there for them. Yet, no one was there for me or checked in on me without me doing it first. It’s exhausting and no one deserves a one sided shitty friendship. If the relationship isn’t serving you and it’s exhausting you instead, it’s time to cut it off.
Wow - perfectly stated. I am 58 and dealing with these patterns I have recently realized of having narcissistic friends. It seems it is all I have ever known and now have ONE normal person for a friend and I adore her and I am really excited to see her. We can talk forever about a book or a movie. It feels like heaven. In the past my gf did ALL the talking. I was the one that gave them supply I guess. I've been pulling back and don't want to see them but couldn't put my finger on why - but they made me feel so bad about myself and of course I thought it was all me. I would listen to them for 2 hours and then they gotta go so they emptied me of all my energy and took it with them and I got nothing. It's crazy - I've been seeing my unhealthy patterns lately and asking the question inside, where did this come from, what is this - and then if I stay in reflection over time, the answer just comes to me. My father talks about himself endlessly -so it started there. It's all I knew. Be the dim light because others shine brighter as if there is not enough to go around. My new friend Lori, the light shines on us both and we can talk forever about anything. I don't have to sit and listen to her life like I am an audience for her. I think this might be the first friend I have truly had in my life. and I am GRATEFUL to have found her and have someone that reciprocates.
I recently had to shed two good friends and two family members within the last year and here I am at 66! Went through a lot of therapy 20 years ago but when I retired recently a lot changed within me... I realized I was no longer a people pleaser. For years I hadn't taken the time to really look at my own heart and what I needed as I was getting older. Your recounting of personal stories helped hundred percent more than most videos I've watched of people just giving advice. Honestly you are a breath of fresh air and I cannot thank you enough for giving me a sense of peace that what I chose to do for myself to be healthy and happy at this stage of my life was the right thing to do by letting go. Now I choose only what is life-giving!
Unfortunately, nothing necessarily lasts forever: neither love relationships nor friendships. My problem is, ever since I realized that ( especially for friendships), I am not able to really invest myself into any kind of relationships anymore because I can´t stand the feeling of losing people all the time :(
I totally get what you mean. I think about this quote a lot. “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” It’s super cliche, but I think it’s true.
Ditto, I’ve lost many long time friendships over the years. It really hurts with some of them whom we were friends for almost 40 years. Nothing really bad happened but the friendships ended over stupid politics or me not being their “everything” to them. Or me being my authentic self and speaking my mind. I’m the one who’s supposedly always at fault but they’re the ones who never returned calls or called me. I cannot serve everyone all the time and agree with everything they want me to. It’s exhausting. Even though it’s sad to lose good friends as I get older and form new friendships, it’s made me realize I only have the energy to do so much and I will not change my views on certain things in order to keep friendships. I value myself and want to be around people who value me .
This was so helpful. I have a lifelong friend who ghosted me and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to repair it. Honestly, I don't think she's interested in repairing the friendship. I need to know how to speak up (in a respectful way), say my peace and finally put this friendship to rest.
My mother has had the same group of friends for over 80 years. I grew up thinking that was what friendship was and that I was a failure. I agree with you up to a point but there are always going to be people who need us more than we need them. I tend to set boundaries with those people, and often, someone else comes along who can help them more than me, and I bow out gracefully.
Sometimes I feel like I'm still recovering from a very toxic friendship, and it has been two years since I ended it. It was for the best. Most people don't talk about ending friendships or how hard it is, and instead we put all our focus on romantic relationships, forgetting that friendships are strong relationships too...
I had to cease many friendships because it was all one sided. A few tried to re kindle the friendship after a few years, but I am so much happier now. I liked having time to myself I feel so much happier I went travelling and met new people and gave me so much confidence.
I ended my longest friendship months ago. It broke my heart. This helped remind me of the good reasons I did it and why I feel grief and empowerment at the same time. Thank you.
This one really spoke to me. I feel like she's just not fulfilling me anymore. I'm not the same girl she met in 2021. We wouldn't be friends if we met today.
I had 3 friends from college time (20+ years), but at some point I just said it's enough. Enough of this disrespect, trash talking, coming when they need something and forgetting about me for months when I'm in need.
This has really helped me in realising I don’t need to hold onto long term relationships if they don’t feel the same as when I first met them. Thankyou so much!
“Shedding a skin of your past self.” I relate to this so much. I lost my grandma who I was very close with and am not the same person. Within this past year, I have distanced from a few friends. It’s unfortunate but ppl change
It’s weird that I come across this at a time I’ve been trying to set boundaries. I’ve made a lot of changes in the last 3 months & every since I met my friend I’ve been stuck in this never ending cycle of drama & stress. When I’ve told my friend I’m going through major anxiety from listening to her on & off relationship with her ex …she only gave me space for one ☝️ day. Then it all started up again the next day! 🤦♀️ I’ve been worried about hurting her feelings but I know it’s for the best.
Two people drift apart when they start living different versions of the future. When I came across this wisdom it resonated profoundly with me; I took a deep breath an let my long- term friendship go….
I'm seventy and have had friends but we've moved on for one reason or another, usually it's because they've moved hundreds of miles away but we don't ring or write however if we happen to meet for weddings or funerals the love is still there however there are new friends .At my age I've learned to rely on one person, actually two myself and my dog. Expecting friends to be here for me isn't an issue I don't so I'm not disappointed.
This really hit home for me. I've been going through a situation with several friends where I'm starting to realize that the friendship is only good for them, not me. I've been struggling with guilt as I try to distance myself from them. Thank you for sharing your stories and your struggles.
I have been drawing boundaries around a friend I’ve known since I was 5. We became two different people in high school, and since then, are oil and water with how our lives are playing out. Our moms are best friends, and yet, I don’t want to be obligated to be friends with her when it is a draining, one-sided relationship. Thank you for this video, it confirms me tremendously. Ending a 30 year “friendship” comes with a lot of guilt for me (also a people pleaser).
I resonate with this a lot.. it just never felt right with my old friend group so after I did some work on myself I chose to let them fall out of my life by not giving anymore. I have no resentment towards them but a lot of my other friends question this.. like there must be something wrong with me, how could I let them go so easily? But it was hard for me, not because of grief but in the way that it took effort to realize what was wrong with the dynamic and constantly question myself. Now I realize I'm not really the only one going through this!!! 🙏🙏
"Stop Saying you're sorry." "Sorry" "Stop it!" Problem was, I was never given an alternative way to express the emotion; nor the knowledge of why doing as I was asked is detrimental. Now I have Generalized Anxiety Order, haha
Right?!?! Omg we do need more ways to express all we feel!! Thank you so much for sharing, and I hope you are able to get some support for your GAD. xoxo
I read a cool piece of advice to replace the sorries with thank yous. so for example instead of sorry for taking time to do something, you can say thank you for being patient. That way you feel gratitude instead of remorse, and they feel like a good person giving you the space you need.
This is a huge topic and you should definitely make more videos on it!! We all need help with friendships to make them healthier and less toxic or how to let go of toxic friends or let go of long term friends. It’s a huge issue with Millennials and Gen Z! Social media is also changing the friendship dynamics and making friends seem disposable, we are living in weird connected yet disconnected times due to social media and para social relationships. From Jess in Australia!
Thanks for pointing this out! I feel like there needs to be a clearer line drawn between what a toxic friendship is and when someone just goes through friends over very minor perceived flaws or awkward moments because they view friendships as disposable. The other week I heard Ana Psychology say she didn't worry about friendships so much because they're kind of disposable to her, and even though I really like her channel that one statement gave me the creeps. All my life I've been told by a lot of people the exact same thing though more or less. It's a pretty common view on friendships, and it's always disturbed me because if you really think about it, friendships are actually the most pure kind of relationship you can have with another person because you're not being brought together just by biology, hormones, or societal expectations, but just the fact that you share a soul to soul bond and love one another for who you are, and yet it's the one we see dismissed and degraded the most as trivial. Friendship is a more egalitarian bond than you can have with blood family or a spouse. I've always been terrified of this idea that the only way you can experience "love" and community is through marriage and children which is what the friendship bashers were always trying to push on me, and this idea is even more harmful and isolating to people in abusive families and relationships.
Thank you. Personally if a friendship is causing me more stress than happiness I cut the person off. Last year, I had an experience where a toxic person used me and it caused me to have to start taking SSRI’s for anxiety. The best thing I did was completely cut that person off.
Your post resonated with me. I had a "friend" who had the same effect on me. I used to dread her contacting me to the point it made me really quite ill. She was a very toxic person.
This video is hitting me like a train, I am the "dumped" friend. I keep going back and forth checking where and when I failed. This is a relationship that was an intense friendship, we advocated for each other and I have a tendency of "bleeding myself for others". I'm in such pain and heartache. I consider that I was worthy of having a talk, not to receive a long text and others, saying how he "cried what he had to, process it and knew it was gonna be hard for me, but I hope you get better". I'm still baffled
This video TOTALLY helped! I’m 57 and am on my 3rd. round of “purging” my so-called friends. In the last year I moved to a new area and got myself plugged in where I had a specific passion. Some of the women gravitated towards me and I them. Within 3-4 mo this I quickly knew they were not for me. Well…4 months later, I’m STILL trying to shake these women! I’m horrible with boundaries and am guilted and manipulated into lingering with them while absolutely not wanting to! Arrrg! The good news here is that I at least saw pretty quickly that I didn’t want these friendships. They operate as a little gang and want to do everything together….it seems so silly to me that women 57 and above, just live to keep their social calendars full. Where I’m at, it is frivolous and idle. I now am clear on what my life is about and what I cannot entertain. Sigh…any help with my inability to better hold firm on my boundaries?
Just tell them the truth in a kind way. Even in you do not want the group dynamic. Tell them. That is making your boundary clear. I am 36 years old and a lot of women stay in toxic relatiojships because they are affraid being alone. Maybe the are afraid being alone so they go in groups, kind of a safe feeling ? I am also learning to live with boundaries. But I did not know that I really also was a people pleaser. Now living with boundaries is sometimes also scarry...not familiar I guess. But it does feel like peace and freedom!
This video is so good I've watched it several times and shared it. Very helpful 👍
You're right. This is such a comprehensive video about toxic friendships and that it's okay to let them go and maintain boundaries ☺️
I agree so much! This videos is important.
@@skyejacques Yes, absolutely! I think we hold on to friendships way too long, we dread to break up..
@@sigrid3553 I'd rather be alone than have fake friends.
Completely agree!
Friendships end when the respect ends.
exaclty
I recently “broke up” with a friend because of this. She didn’t own any part of it. The broken friendship was all my fault in her eyes. This only made me realize I was making the right decision. 😂
I gave up all my friends because I'm tired of their hypocrisy,now I am so happy being alone no drama,no gossip,have a lot of peace of mind 😅
@@irenelicup208
Yes....and *so much* hypocrisy!
This
"These relationships began when
I wasn't the best version of myself."
BARS.
💯💯💯
BARS! hehehe. 100%
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
bs. this is literally her using old friends as stepping stone
when I wasn't healthy
"Would we be friends if we met now?" is such a helpful question to ask yourself about a friendship that feels like it's expiring.
Wow that’s a great question!
This is a sad coincidence. Recently, a friend and I were talking. This question came up, and neither of us answered...
Thnx for this ❤
“Keep in mind, a good friend is hard to find” - Son House
I think another reason is, when we have conversations, we obviously want them to go smoothly. It should be casual, breezy, and light. And when someone crosses the line, it’s hard to confront, so you get frustrated and can’t say what you really mean. And then you think…enough of this person.
Thats funny you say that, because my friend literally sais every time we see each other she would not talk to me if she didnt know me from before based on how i look and what values i have :)
It’s the most unwell feeling when you hit that realization that a friendship is over.
Initially, yes. It can also become quite liberating, though 🤷🏻♂️
Also when you know it’s a long time coming but you were too scared to end it but you have to end it because you’re done with their disrespect 😢
I was having a dinner with a friend that I was feeling annoyed by. During that same dinner I decided that was the last time I was going to hang with them. After the dinner, they seemed surprised by my choice and that hurt me for a while. Yet, I can’t imagine my life now with them as a apart of it.
True
@@matiascortes7146I met my ex-friends after and nothing but relief!
I have outgrown basically all my friends. It's painful but it is what it is. We grow, we change. Sometimes the unhealed you didn't choose the right people. It's okay to let them go.
It took me courage to end up the friendship for decades (highschool)
Because i had a discernment by how friend/s shows on silent treatment of me
Making me feel uncomfortable silence with them
It made me strong drawing of Boundary away from Toxic ppl 😢💔 i closed My social media account where the said friends counted..
I registered a new account but only family and trusted friends are in the circle ⭕ so far , i am enjoying the exclusive time for a few trusted One ❤❤❤ i am not interested knowing updates on them💯✅
Well Said I agree 100 percent !
It’s the same for me… I just can’t seem to let them go just yet, unfortunately. I know I will be all alone if I do.
@@laymayday I feel what you're saying. I felt the same way. I was so afraid of being alone or not being able to stand up for myself that I put up with this toxic dynamic in this circle of friends and allowed myself to be treated in a way that made me suffer. Today I ended it and left the group. I did it without blaming anyone, I simply expressed my feelings and my opinion (which I was also afraid of, being rejected or laughed at because of the situation). If you're still afraid of that, don't beat yourself up about it, you'll do the right thing at the right time. I saw that your comment was a bit more recent than the others, so I thought I'd share it with you. I hope you can use some of it for yourself and I wish you all the best.
I'm going through the same, how are things a year on ? X
Friendships expire when your friend isn't happy for your successes, when they criticize everything you do, when they talk nonstop about their problems but never listen to yours, when they ask for all the favors and help but never help you out when you need it. When they continually let you down but you would never think of letting them down. Walk away from these "friendships."
Well said!
And the signs of that that come out when they're doing their mastery narcissism class on you is to pretend to be so relatable... Then they become hypercritics of you just like they were all sudden of other people five years into the friendship
@@AZDC99 fully agree. Don't let toxic pity to blind you from Narcissism
Love and light from Tasmania Australia 💜
Omg yes.
This except sometimes they do do favours for you and help you out but it’s only so that they can throw it back in your face later
2023 will be a very friendless year for me. I have realized there are too many "users", manipulators, and controllers in my life. I am so ready!!!
YOOOO I hit my early 20s ! & man I SEE IT ALREADY 😂😂 atp I just detach myself so much , & I just wait. I wait because I’ve always been in friendships where it’s not completely genuine on THEIR ends. I’m so tired of it! I just wanna have meaningful friendships! People that feel blessed to have me in their lives. Yet I’m constantly feeling like I’m not good enough or not “cool enough” or too odd or whatever it is . Smhh shit is horrible
I’m feeling like we need to do this
You're right, I don't believe there are real friends out there.
Me too.
That's so true, I have few friends at this stage of life, but it took yrs to truly see so called friends were just toxic and manipulative.
Good riddance though.
Most "friendships" we cultivate in life are founded on utility or pleasure. We like people for what we can get out of them: inclusion in a social circle, company when lonely, a companion to go out partying with, an interesting conversationalist, a travel buddy, someone we are romantically interested in, etc. Sometimes we are not even consciously aware of these things. But when the utility or the pleasure we get from the other person disappears, or we manage to find it in someone else, then the friendship often breaks down. It's only when we really love the other person's character, i.e. the actual person they are, rather than what we can get out of them, that such friendships can last. But these friendships are very rare. Most people have very few true friends and many people have none.
It helps if you realise that most people you meet in life are never going to be a true friend. They will be a 'temporary' friend: someone you engage with and get enjoyment from for a period of time until you both move on. It may feel a bit sad, but I think it's entirely natural.
Good points. I had a guy "friend" who was more of a gaming acquaintence and not someone I would consider a friend to hang out with in a non-game capacity. Long story short, he got really, really mad at me and publicly assaulted me on a forum and ended our "friendship" on an online forum instead of telling me he was angry. Everyone else saw it before I did and had to direct me to the rant. I was surprised. It's not that I want or need this person in my life; I don't. What I don't like and still haven't come to grips yet is the public announcement. His goal was public shaming and humiliation, which isn't exactly a mature thing to do anyway. I know he had anger issues beforehand for some months, but they might have been deeper rooted than I realized. But, I'm also the kind of person with very few meaningful friendships. Two or three, and no romantic relationship for a long time, so I guess I'm not a particularly likeable person anyway.
100% true
@@narfellus Please dont be too hard on yourself. I got an out of the blue hand written 4pg.letter that was horrible to read. Had to stop half way thru. Crossed all the third rails for a human to tell another human. Brought other people, ie.family in to add extra hurtfullness . She had ghosted me for months and wrote to let me know why so I wouldnt have to keep wondering. Needless to say I never spoke to her again. I knew going in this person was going weekly to shrink . In fact had driven her to hospital when she had an episode and she was admitted for a couple weeks . Depresion. So some times you just have to swallow the hurt and move on. But try not to let it affect your natural ability to attract real a d nea,thy friendships. PS. Before me, she had written to her family members and done the same thing to them. Be happy these toxic wounded people are gone from their ability to hurt you and will leave space for better experiences with wonderful new friends.
Aristotelian friendship.
Spot on.
Being excited to see someone is definitely the indication that, that relationship is of good vibes and healthy
Yes!!! exactly
I so wish that I could agree with that, but I have been love bombed so many times. Being excited about a relationship in the first 3 months is great fun but no guarantee that it will be 'good vibes and healthy'. Alas. :-(
Yes but being excited to see an old friend is the point here, most relationships don’t expire after 3 months
I just lost a friend of 50 years. I'd always been the strong one and supported her through every trauma she had. This time around, I needed her. But I may as well have reached out to the air - she wasn't there for me at all. I'm crushed. It really, really hurts.
Going through the same right now. It's very hurtful, but I am finally sick of being the one who always tries to be there and just show compassion and love.
❤️🌹🌼🌺🌺🌷
I just ended a friendship with what I call sadly a friend that just couldn’t reciprocate I realized that she couldn’t be there for me because she can barely be there for herself she’s always depressed, crying and moaning, very socially unstable, and she just can’t be there for herself, so why would I expect her to be there for me. So I completely ended it. It’s sad because I felt like no matter what I will be there for her but I have to choose me. It drained me so bad.
@@SunniTheEarthBabe ❤️🌷🌻🌼🌺🌹🌸
I have found that friends who constantly need you to either listen or help them will never reciprocate, sadly.
letting go of friends, family members, and jobs that do not fill you but only leave you feeling empty shows growth through self-awareness and progress.
You are completely right. Sometimes we finally realize our "friendships" are only one-sided. That is when its time to get out.
I've left many one-sided friendships
Going through life and as you enter your latter years, wisdom teaches you that the average life expectancy of an individual friend or friends as couples has anywhere from 1 to about 4 years at best before it expires. Yes, there will potentially be the very few that remain very long term/indefinite but, those are far and few. Treasure those rare true friends.
A fake friend is the worst. Smile in your face and despise you secretly. But energy never lies.
This
Period!
A couple of years ago I ended a 40-year friendship because I realized that everytime I saw my friend was because I was the going to visit her in her home. Also, whenever I called her I always felt like I was interrupting something because she was always I the middle of something. So I told her that since she's always busy it would probably make more sense if she initiates the calls so that I would know she actually had the time for a conversation. As it turns out, since I left it up to her to be the one to initiate the calls, I hadn't heard from her in 2 years. Those were the last 2 years of that 40-year friendship. So I just stopped bothering with her altogether because I couldn't believe that in 2 years she couldn't find a few minutes just to have a chat with me. I mean come on... no one is THAT busy!!!
MY experience EXACTLY!
I call those people "Emotional Vampires" They drain you every time you talk to them or have any interactions. I recently had to terminate a friendship because of this.
I feel like I'm very good at attracting these "vampires". 🙁
@@JustJ-Me it happens, but take a step back and see if there’s a reoccurring lesson. Sometimes it really helps to reflect off of why you think they may be attracted to you, what type of personalities they may have, what those people are looking for and why they think you provide it, etc. I’m sure you could come up with different ideas too, but maybe this will be helpful?
@@SeriouslyBubbly Yes, it very much makes sense and I do think it has much to do with myself and what I can provide due to things I can improve within myself.
I had a 20 year long acquaintance with a "friend" I knew to be duplicitous. In hindsight I wonder why I let it last so long, probably a mix of not caring enough to confront the individual, and a misplaced sense of responsibility for their actions. Their need for control, particularly of the opinions of a wider circle of friends, and my desire to be subject to those opinions had simply run its course. The less I cared, the more he needed me to care. If I could offer the younger me any advice, it would be true friendship does not consist of people going walkabout in your head, and boundaries need to be set early. Passive aggressive traits are a warning sign - heed them.
!!! Not only do they drain your energy, but they can also turn YOU into an emotional vampire if you're not careful with boundaries because you're constantly trying to fill the void of energy that they leave you with.
This was a very interesting topic to listen to. I have 'outgrown' many of my friends but don't want to cut them off because then I have no one left. Please do another video on how to make new friends as an adult.
That's a great idea! I could do with some advice on that too!
Great idea:)
So time spent with people who don’t fit in your life anymore is better than quality time with yourself? Hmmmmm. Might want to rethink that one and focus on building new friendships and not investing in the bad ones, just bc you’re afraid of being lonely.
Yesss! Great idea I’d be intrigued. Cause I totally understand where you’re coming from and what you mean. I’m trying to be more authentic and not get so caught up in thinking so much and living in my head. But more just speaking my truth
@@AMcDub0708 I have no problem being lonely or alone some of the time, but humans are social creatures that need other people.
If they don't care about who you are as person, don't seek your company other than to get access to your resources or assistance. If they use you as a sounding board, unpaid therapist, chaffeur, bank, personal butler, etc. If they expect you to prioritize them but you're their LAST priority always. If they arent happy for your successes, act envious or fake. Ditch. Them. They are users/takers and will never be people you can count on.
I am 60. Important lessons I lhave learned through experience. People come and go through our lives as needed for our growth. If we don't learn to let them go when it's time, we will just become stuck and stagnant. There are many who don't want inner growth and will try to keep hold of you for their own gain or insecurity, but you have to remove them if you have outgrown the relationship. That is your own decision to make, not theirs. That includes immediate relatives. Too often exhausting toxicity and drama gets played out in the name of "family" ties. A whole lot of emotional and psychological abuse is passed off as "love" in those dynamics which needs to be recognized for what it is, then put down, and move on with your inner healing. We are responsible for the dynamics we engage with and participate in, hence keeping any toxicity going. If you are an adult there are no victims, just equal participants. You are the only one you can change. Focus on that only. You are your life partner. No one else will be with you 24/7 from the time you were born until you depart, so you might as well practice Self Care, which puts no demands or expectations on others. Not to be confused with selfishness, which does nothing BUT place demands and expectations on others to be, act, and do how WE want, so we can be "happy". Part of Self Care is removing selfish people from your life, or at least being true to you and saying no to their " black hole of selfish needs", that in the end never fulfills them for long, or is conducive to their own inner healing. Lastly, you do not owe other's a reason why you do not want to, or can not, accept an invitation to something. A simple no is suffice. A mature adult with accept and respect that. A selfish person will not. If you are intent on growing, you will stop giving energy to that person. Simple.
@freebird5469 wise words in your comment. Thank you.
It must've been destiny that I found this video. I0 months ago I ended the friendship with my best friend of 50 years! I guess I always knew she treated me like shit, but I still hung on. Maybe the friendship was just out of habit? But she started really changing at the end, and got more and more hurtful towards me. I finally hit my breaking point. Yes, I miss her so much, and hope the day comes that I no longer care, but I don't want her back in my life either. From now on, I will only surround myself with people who love me and lift me up. I will get rid of the people who take pleasure in hurting me. It's about time I learned this, I'm old now!
You outgrow certain type of friendships, the more superficial and transactional ones
About a year ago, I did total no contact ghosting with a narcissist "friend" and a whole bunch of people associated with that person. This went against my empathetic, people-pleasing grain, but I also knew I had to do it and it would give me strength to push through. As a result, there was no drama (that I had to deal with or hear about), because there was no wood on the fire from me, nothing. It is not cowardly to do so, it is intelligent, self-protecting, self-love. Also remember that the toxic person (narcissist) you have cut from your life usually knows you have figured them out, some of the other people associated might be confused, but that is not your concern. Once you have woken up and identified the toxic people in your life masquerading as friends, do the same. Trying to heal while still being surrounded by toxic scumbags is like trying to dry your hair in a storm, this includes siblings and parents if necessary.
Whoa , I’m a month late in reading this, but really needed to hear this. I have a friend that hasn’t really been a friend to me and it’s been really awkward trying to maintain the friendship. I’ve been wanting to end up by just disappearing but was wondering if that was right or ok. But I also know that if I have a conversation with them about it that it will just turn into drama.
@@legallybored8876 That's exactly right, you know this "friend" isn't the person you can talk to about things, which is another red flag, who is this person I can't even convey my concerns to. Another red flag is if they are over generous, it's designed to make you feel indebted and like you owe them too much to end the friendship. Smash through that double mindedness and go no contact, don't answer a single communication ever again and keep reminding yourself why you are doing it, you don't like them, they are not your kind of person, and the mistreat you.
Find out how to block their number on messenger, Facebook etc. And don't engage in any attempts from the flying monkees (mutual friends or associates of the narcissist).
Total radio silence and enjoy the peace. Move houses if you need to. Best wishes.
@@legallybored8876I don’t know how bad or awkward it is but I get that. I’m here cause I have a friend who hasn’t texted in like 4 days. We used to talk like every day and she would give me at least 1-2 hrs of a conversation due to being busy. It’s just awkward now cause I haven’t had a response in almost a week and we were awkward prior to this like she doesn’t seem to be as interested in the friendship as much as me at least.
@@legallybored8876I have been thinking the same thing because at the time I’m writing this it feels like my “friends” turned into frenemies because they don’t treat you well and I have been thinking about letting this relationship end for once because it was making me damage but now that I see it they’re people who really suffer form the inside, they want to make you feel bad so they can feel better, and the thing is that although they haven’t seen signals of me not wanting to be friends with them anymore (maybe) I want to say this because it is true “our paths, attitudes and our boundaries are REALLY changing so I think it’s time to end this for our better health” and don’t get me wrong, it may hurt and they may create a drama about it because that’s what they like to do, but one thing is giving them the power to humiliate you and the other is you having the control of not letting this affect you and act before it gets worse. I’m still in school and maybe your already an adult, but even if there’s a big age difference, situations can be similar so don’t let this people ruin your life, be happy and enjoy what you like to do. Have a great day!!!
These days it's hard to find good friends because there are so many people who are more of acquaintance who take advantage than true friends who make the effort.
One thing that sucks is the older I get, the more my friends stop making the effort, stop texting me, stop calling, stop asking to hang out, it's always me making the effort and when I give them a chance to initiate contact they never do. I've had more failed friendships than successful ones, some I've ended, some they did, it's about 50/50.
I am in the same boat here. Always checking in on others, including in gatherings, etc… I wonder when I’ll be thought of.it will be too late. As I am in my cleanse phase.
The older I get, the more I realize most people mostly think of themselves. I am an overly generous, giving, thoughtful person and in my 50’s now, I see just how self-involved a lot of friends are and that I give 95%, they give 5%.
It’s like a severe break-up…it hurts. You have to come to a point where you learn to love yourself enough to let go of that which does not suit you anymore. I, too, am a people pleaser…I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a narcissist mother and never learned my own worth.
When you try talking to your friends about how you are feeling and they blow you off, listen. Pay attention to their actions.
Breaking off friendships can feel like death but when you get more negative than positive out of a friendship, it’s time to re-assess.
Don’t be afraid of being alone with yourself. Don’t be afraid of only having 1-2 good friends and not hanging onto friends who aren’t the best for your mental health.
I had a friendship break up after 27 years and that was because we just had grown in different directions. I used to go to see her out of habit and not because i was excited to. I stayed in touch out of nostalgia over the good times but realized we didn't have fun anymore.
I have friends now which i have more in common with and so does she. No hard feelings.
I’ve been through similar experiences in two different phases of my life, including the questioning myself thinking that I was “playing superior”. Then I came across a quote that helped me tremendously to understand what was happening. And I hope it can help you, too. Here’s the quote: “Stop shrinking yourself to fit into places you’ve outgrown” - Unknown
That's a good one, I'll remember it.
Great quote, thank you so much !!!! I need to stop shrinking myself in to place J have outgrown, I do need to stop it!
Love it. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for that quot. ävery good. I will post it on my facebook, same name as here, I hope you are doing well.😊
There can be significant blocks when you really decide to change. Especially when you are young or young with children. Folks don't have the time nor the energy to put in the work. A sad but truth but helps to dispel anger and refocus on the values to aspire to achieve.
As someone who decided to cut ties with a best friend of 8 years, 5 months ago, I really needed this video. It's been really tough without her, but I know I am healthier without the relationship. I still struggle with it, but this video helped to make me feel like I'm not the bad person for breaking off something that was not healthy for me.
Same
Right there with you, I hope you find some peace :)
I told a friend of 15 years that I needed a break...its hard and I've been processing a lot of information about the friendship especially with toxic ways it wasnt good for me
Same here! I've been througha process, similar to grieving, even though I cut it off, and I am realizing that when/if a good memory pops up to cherish it then move throughout my day. I hope you can find those moments and that it helps in some way!
@@sarahloffler I relate 😭 I found myself getting interested in reading more fiction books lately, ever since I've been in an extended period of hermitage. Feels like rediscovering my childhood world again. Also thank god for the internet and pseudo-social online interactions and parasocial relationships with youtubers/vloggers 😂
Nothing stays the same..
We are growing and continuously moving forward..some must be left behind..there comes a time in our life.. where isolation becomes a health place..
❤
It's a terrible feeling when supposed friendships end.
The toxic friend always blames you and refuses to see how toxic they are, but glad they cut me off to be free.
I myself was a people pleaser, but when boundaries are not respected, it was time to move on. Your situation is identical to what I experienced.
Those type of people spend their whole lives taking advantage of people as they continue the cycle.
I recently went through this. And I’m glad this person is no longer in my life. We weren’t in alignment in life anymore and didn’t have shared values anymore so it made sense for us to part ways. It doesn’t mean I hate this person or wish them ill will; we just aren’t meant to be in each other’s life path anymore at this time.
Exactly. I feel the same.. and thank you so much for sharing :) xoxo
this is such a hard feeling I resonate with. It's such a confusing space and often I swing between knowing I made the right choice and regretting it.
I guess, the hard thing is that even long after you have cut the cords with that person, you still find yourself desperately wanting share things in your life with them. :D That's just how we are as human beings.
@@Katimorton how end my friendship with my trans best friend i dont trust her at she gonna i been sleeping around i not i saving myself for marriage how end it ?.
Most friendships are not forever. I am currently really sad about some friendships that are not working for me anymore...I find it so hard to let go.
In friendships and romantic relationships we must feel seen, safe and celebrated. A year ago I ended an 8 year 'friendship' when I realized my "friend" was there when she needed me and yet when I needed help, she always had an excuse.
I can totally relate 😢
I recently had major surgery. I live alone and have a few select friends as well as a few new frienships I was cultivating in the new location I had moved to. I came home to nothing and nobody after surgery. The new friends absolutely ghosted me (they live in the same apartment building) and 2 of four of my long term friends fell away. They asked once how I was feeling and then disappeared. My recovery was very hard and the lonliness and abandonment sent me into depression. It is months later and I am doing well now, but I am changed. My heart is broken but I have new health and the prospect of making new friends ahead of me. I just will never,ever depend on anyone to be there for me again. It was a hard lesson to learn when I was at my absolute lowest. But I will never forget it.
I am sincerely sorry that this happened to you. Good that you have physically recovered, and hoping the memory of being left on your own with friends that didn’t reach out fades with time. Compassion was sorely lacking.
Very hurtful.
So sorry it happened to you, hope you are doing okay now
I ended a long time friendship, it was the most hardest thing ever but I needed to do this for myself. The friendship did not give me any joy anymore, I was always giving but not genuinely receiving. Even though I feel lost and I will need time to heal, I’m so proud of myself for choosing me after all this time. Thank you for inspiring and helping me.
I hope you're doing better now. Just going through the same thing now myself, and it's very uncomfortable.
Sometimes I sense our society boils down to people pleasers and narcissists.
Ugh, that's bleak. Might b true but yeah
@@cm-yu6gu a lot of broken people for sure nd these broken people raising an entire generation in a system that is not for the growth of human soul.
I’d rather be a people pleaser than a narc
yep, as raised people pleaser, i can confirm this, when you raised by Narcissist, healthy normal people feels odd to friend with.....
i know my brain and my gut giving signs not to engage with Narcissist, but i couldn't control it and still fail...
@@debbieschultz9768 nah I rather be a narc
The question you ask “Would we be friends?” I ask that about family members too. I’ve lost lots of friends over the years as I’ve worked on myself. I keep thinking, I’m just making room for new friends that will come along one day. It's a bit of a struggle for me, but I feel like I've become a better version of myself.
The "making room for new people" is also what I've told myself when I ended relationships or friendships in the past- and it really does work that way. When you're spending all your energy on certain people, you really don't have the ability to let other people in. But once you open yourself (and your calendar) up, new people inevitably, eventually, start trickling in. In my experience, anyway.
It will be worth it. You choose and make time* . Happy healing
'making room for new friends' is such a wonderful way of looking at it.
I can relate so much to this
Yes!
My friendship of 23 years ended after I decided to speak up for myself on a night out where she was treating me badly. It wasn't a sudden end, but she clearly didn't want that version of me in her life. Looking back, she treated me badly more than I'd realised, I just put up with it then.
I was in this exact situation and I'm so glad I spoke up !
I recently broke off a once very close friendship of 26 years. In the beginning we were like two peas in a pod. We were like sisters but over the years she started changing and it was all about her. I did a lot for her especially when she had cancer but she never reciprocated when I needed her. After awhile she only would do things with me when it suited her. I finally got tired of being a doormat and ended it. She was emotionally draining and it was affecting my mental health. I’m much happier and better off without her.
Literally this is the exact situation I went through this year. Word for word.
I’m a therapist & totally agree with you. We all constantly grow and drift apart in the process. It’s totally ok to end old friendships which are not letting you evolve in the direction you wish to go. Reasons can be many, but if you feel that way gently walk away maintain distance.
This problem is increased when you grow up in the countryside or a smalltown, where you're often kind of forced to socialize with people you don't like. I had to walk to school and back with one of the most toxic girls I've ever met for years.
I do relate!
right! i feel like moving is my only option to not see those same people
I do relate!
and because toxic behaviours have an almost contagious like effect,
they can slowly shape us into someone we don't like -- (if we're not careful).
@@NeonCicada OR you can encourage them to be a better person. Are you the follower or the leader?
Thank you for being so transparent and connect with your audience as a person not just a therapist. I needed to hear this to give myself permission to feel okay about drawing boundaries and limiting or stoping certain relationships
I am so glad you found it helpful!! I am happy to share more of my own experience when it applies :) xoxo
Yes I totally agree with you🧡!
@Katie Morton please read my comment below this is urgent
Same!
Zombie 🧟♀️ d.
My old friendship fell apart once I stopped being people pleaser and being a fixer. Sadly, there was no reciprocation or respect. Rather be alone than be in relationships that are draining.
I really liked the insight that her psychologist gave her, "When did the friendships begin? Was it before or after a period of self-work?".
I've just ended two relationships within a year. One is an alcoholic and a know-it-all, and the other horribly self absorbed. I feel mostly relieved. Neither friendship was serving me anymore.
Woof. I just had a friendship breakup 2 days ago. Brutal stuff.
It's rough but necessary sometimes
Yeah, cut off a female friend of mine 6 months ago… it was brutal.
Something that helped me gain perspective was understanding that friendships don’t have to be forever. I think many of us buy into that myth. Sometimes they are for mutual healing and then they organically end. 🙏❤️
How'd you do it?
My best friend dumped me after 13 years last year, and I still think it's something I did. A mutual friend of ours talked to her and then she dropped me, that mutual friend was toxic and I wanted to let go of her. Idk if it ever gets better. Despite our differences I'd hoped we'd still be friends, we were complete opposites yet made it work for 10 good years before she realized she wanted to focus on her romantic relationship and our other friend who enables and psychologically abuses her. I should've let go when it started to get bad. Would've been better for both of us.
I’m middle-aged and have gone through rounds of this about every 10 years. Have had the same insecurities of letting go friends and wondered if it was just me. When you’re a type of person who is constantly growing, this may be a side effect. I’m glad not to be the only one with this experience. Thank you so much for sharing 🙏🏼 😊
I agree 100% that if you're the type of person who grows, this is a side effect.
It's rough but you grow faster than most
I’ve been through it too
But then I feel guilty for not having contact with them or calling to check on them(because they’ve been lifetime friendships)
-but then I think 💭 I shouldn’t feel guilty because their energy is not what I want around me..because I’ve grown
And I see them still pretty much being their same lame selves..still being negative talking negative..stagnant..I don’t want to see myself like them..I want to move forward for the better..those relationships are not serving me anymore.I really appreciate this video..
@@lucialopez7153 I understand the guilty feelings. I've had friendships with people from junior high and kept them out of loyalty but they were all draining and negative. Like Kati Morton said I'm not the same person I was when I met them. Unfortunately, a lot of them haven't changed since junior high.
@@andreasissons7766 yes!!! Same here…thank u for understanding ❤️
I'm at a point right now where I DREAD receiving phone calls/messages from my "friends", and I literally have to put "respond to messages" in my to-do list. Thank you for sharing your story
SAME 😭
OH MY GOD SAME
I thought I was burnt out 🤡
its tough, you probably gonna feel like youre being cruel AF but you have to do it for yourself, the stress of it is really damaging you on a cellular level
The dread is REAL😩
Stopping initiating first is how I prune most of my relationships. I get invested in people and I am willing to put more work in. Ive always worked harder than the people around me (I had a job since I was 14, had all As and Bs K-College, and then had 2-3 full time jobs in college). So when it comes to relationships, I used that same mindset of "It doesn't matter what they are doing, it matters what you are doing"
Turns out relationships are collaborative. So putting in 80-90% of the work wasn't the best approach
The majority of my friendships and some sisters relationships have all ended when I was no longer the initiator. When I no longer called texted or visited all the time, it just kind of faded off. It took many years to watch it happen, make the changes to stop allowing it to continue as one sided and get over being hurt. I’m much better now
I think loyalty is essential if two people consider themselves close friends. An old friend of mine once told me that it’s not good to be “Johnny-on -the spot” for people because, inevitably, they will use you. But another friend told me that he was still “Johnny-on-the spot” but only with a few friends that he knew would reciprocate should the shoe be on the other foot.
I've also found that teenagers and folks in their early 20's are all trying to fit in, to be accepted, to not be ostracized, so we all acted alike, which made us somewhat interchangeable as friends and hang-out buddies. And then, as we mature and start following our own path, having grown out of the hive mind of youth, some relationships will naturally diverge as the folks involved do. Only took me a few decades to accept that as OK.
That's actually so insightful. I never thought of that. Also, we all have a lot of trauma and that can impact how we behave.
Thank God we mature. I was waiting patiently for that even as a teen. It's good to find commonality and comradery of course...but there's got to be a place for individual expression. Otherwise some would go insane.
Great insight 😊 I needed to hear that.
Sometimes you just outgrow friendships, lose touch with people because they moved or because their life changed, and then you realize you haven't spoken for a really long time and it would be awkward to reconnect. The pandemic and lockdowns caused a lot of this to happen. Thanks for this video Kati, it really helped a lot of people, me included.
Well said. The lockdown really made things weird, like if you don't hear from someone after, does it mean they are done, or are they still being cautious, or are the just sitting around wondering the same? Just weirdness all together.
Yes, it's a sad thing when they just slowly evaporates. For me, sometimes, it has been something the person said that made me dissapear into myself. With time and therapy, I've come to realize that it would have been better to try to solve the conflict rather than just escaping, even though the latter is more comfortable. Sometimes, it isn't even a thing - you just need fonfirmation so that nothing was misunderstood. I have contacted old friends after a year or two many times, but by then they all think it has gone too long time and don't want to reconnect. That is really sad, when you think about it.
This is especially applicable to new friends and acquantaces. With people you have known for a long time, you can sometimes just call them after an entire year and everything is fine - a lot of people say that it is not how often you meet that meks a friendship and that this is what's so good about friends. I disagree. If you never meet and only one of them takes initiatives that's not a real friendship.
I agree that you’re not a shitty friend if you choose to ignore someone for your own peace. Sometimes silence is needed to get a strong message across, especially when your words are falling on deaf ears.
Thank you for video. People change, life circumstances change, life goals change, ect. In short alot of friendships come and go. It’s actually quite rare to have friendships that last for life.
Putting boundaries up while they are still trying to cross them. That hit home last year.
I really hate how when something feels or seems off they immediately try to paint you as a bad person and like it’s your fault..
It’s so not fair how this ruins our life and waste our time and energy.
It's never a waste. .it's a learning
The friendships that brought a lot of negativity into my life and not much joy are the ones I’ve ended in the last few years. I went from a large circle of friends to barely any friends at all. It’s hard to make new friends in your 30s. There is definitely a lot less negativity in my life, but certainly a lot more loneliness. 😞
Try your 60s
Yeah
I'm there right now (end of 30s)
I totally agree. I’m 30 right now and feel the same. It’s so much harder to make friends in your 30s. I’m planning to change careers soon so hopefully I’ll make friends in class but I don’t want to go in and expect much. It definitely feels lonely
Try Bumble I met two nice ladies and there's a lot of women on there looking for friends just to hang out talk or go out. If your not happy with a friend it's time for a new one. My parakeet died last week I'm like I could mourn or I could just get a new one which I did. Life is short and God wants us to be happy alone or with anyone. I stopped being a giver too because I don't have to be a hero. Letting go and letting God 🙏
4:50 "We meet people at a time in our lives....they maybe like [us] and want to be friends with [us] for all the wrong reasons." GREAT POINT!
I told my daughter this very same thing! Friends are like seasons they come snd go. My sis is my BF. She can’t dump me. Lol.
So true I've spent gas money hooking up enemies in my late thirty's it's definitely a sign of the xs .
Friends often start to drift apart over the years so often you dont need to end a friendship as it will often fade away.
This really resonates with me! I am 66 years old and just learning how to *not* be a people pleaser and I have a very old relationship that needs to end. I believe it will happen naturally (because I am not going to reach out as usual) but this gives me a boost to confirm my instincts and not obsess about my decision. Very helpful!
I’m in your general age range and agree it’s better to limit interactions that aren’t positive for you. I also think as you seem to that it’s better to let bad quality relationships fade out rather than blowing them up, assuming the other person isn’t horrible.
I am around 60 to and had to dump four long term friends as they become toxic with their sarcasm, personal attacks about myself & boring endless banter anyway I moved on from them no regrets
Same here....age wise and all. I'm just now realizing after all these years I dont have to put up with toxic, hurtful, even abusive "friendships "
At the age of 50 I'm just now trying to stop people pleasing. I wonder if there will be at least some years of happiness for me. Thank you for your video Kati, it was very helpful.
The same here...why have waited so long 😱 Maybe because deep down I knew how much trouble it would bring as well. Understanding that some relations are not good for you anymore, does not mean you can let go so easily of the other person.
There is nothing wrong with you..it will be their lost not yours!!!
You wonder if there will be "at least some years of happiness for you???!!" That's up to you. You are 50, not 85 and on your deathbed! 50 is still relatively young. I'm 54 and realize that I have to stop looking back at the past with regrets over my actions (or lack of action) because if I don't, I will ruin whatever time I have left. I will learn from the past so I don't make those same mistakes, but I won't live there. Happiness comes from within, it's a choice and well within your control. Don't allow other people to be in charge of it!! If you depend on others for happiness, your happiness is dependent on their mood swings. You truly are at their mercy. Many times I prefer the unconditional love of a critter to a human. Or volunteer. I assume there would be other good people you can meet there. I wouldn't think bad people would be draw to volunteering.
I am now 43. When I was 24 I had the shock of my life when three of my best friends literally abandoned me and treated me like I was subhuman when I needed them the most. I had been friends with two of them since 5th grade. Since then I haven't been able to trust anyone, and I even started distrusting people I normally would trust. This kind of betrayal did have a toll on me in terms of how I approach relationships or not giving much chance for people to get close, even though I easily moved on and forgot all about these people because they have proved to be shitty people after the fact.
🙏❤ A frenemy is not thoughtful. It will always be about themselves. I once had a frenemy who never once said, "Oh come, lemme see where you are staying.. How's the acting going? I watched all of your shows. I watched 'Ugly Betty'; hoping that I'll see you in a scene. I'm so proud of you". None of that.
🙏❤ When somebody comes with snarck comment or they say or do one or two things that is uncalled for, know that that's a frenemy. They're keeping tabs on your life, "When did you buy that? How are you able to afford this?" Frenemies are in competition with you. They're not rooting for you, saying "You go girl! Do your thing. I'm supporting you. I'll be right here." .. They're in competition with you. I just moved out of the way and let her fly past and crash. Let your frenemies go before they drag you into their negativity and they distract you from being friends with bossbabes that love you; you love them; you love each other's families; you evolve; you grow together; she's the wind in your back; she's the sun ahead of you. And she really means the best for you. You have to get rid of a lot of people in your life. They're distractions that will distract you from your destiny, your ultimate goal. Throw them out. Don't respond to their accusations. They're not worthy of your golden time.
🙏❤ You build your brands; your careers, (your husband, your children). Be happy. Evolve to be this positive wonderful person. Don't let negativity in your life. I have seen it a couple of times. It happened to me. There are no regrets; only experiences. -Fumi Desalu Vold
When people walk out of your life, and especially treat you bad.. that can haves hug toll on your trust issues and meeting new people. I just went through this, now I don’t even wanna get to know new people and when I do, I don’t trust them. It sucks, but I also feel like you have to be open and learn to make new friends. I guess the energy of people says it all!
This is a real late reply, but in case I could share something that might still be useful, I'll go ahead.
I also went through a handful of betrayals all at the same time, coming from several directions at once. I was gutted, and shell shocked and spent years in a sort of self imposed isolation. Not only was my trust of others destroyed, but also my trust of myself and my judgement. I didn't see it coming in the most important relationships, how could I not see it? I too moved on, and in retrospect, they were shitty people and I'm better off without them (grew up among narcissists).
No matter, I see that I have been changed and not much for the better. It's not that I can't get over those betrayals, I'm way past them. It's more that I saw stuff I can't unsee, learned stuff I can't unlearn, and now I'm far less inclined to want to be involved with others and really just want to protect myself. Anyhow, just the other night I stumbled on something called betrayal trauma, I think one vid was by Dr. Ramani, sorry I don't have titles, but I bet if you type that in, you will stumble on stuff that you might find very relevant.
I hope life looks a lot more friendly! Best wishes
@@audreyheart2180 I had what I thought was a close friend who I had redefined as a frenemy and recently went NO CONTACT with. The competition which I thought was support initially was just another way to sneakily put me down. They could not help but to see the worst in whoever my family or my friends or lovers were. The CAVEAT was the way that they talked about other people saying how the allegedly felt so crushed for being stupider than they would have been. Eventually I realized that this toxic gossiper was probably doing the SAME STUFF to me behind my back to my loved ones or my friends.
They painted everyone else's romantic relationships in the absolute worst light too! They had a nasty enjoyable grin talkin about how these people allegedly felt about their own so-called failures of their lives.
Eventually I realized this was nothing but projection and jealousy from this person. Because they had no dating life of their own and they did not look very attractive.
Too bad they were just as ugly on the inside as they were on the outside at times too. I realized eventually that whatever they said about anyone else that we mutually knew was nothing but exaggerated gossip.
It occurred to me that this person enjoyed very much being a vicious gossip machine. There were lots of good moments in our friendship, so it was painful to let It go. But that last NARC RAGE over catching a rolling eye glance that I tried to not make when they were saying something else as a minor devaluation of my life WAS IT FOR ME! (Nothing like DESTRUCTIVE criticism being presented as constructive criticism).
Thank you for this video, Katie. Like yourself, I was in a friendship also where I realized if I didn't do the checking in, no communication was ever made. Like yourself, I respected myself and got out and just like you, one of those people was an ex-girlfriend who only wanted to use me as a parachute for a second whenever her life was getting screwed up by her own doings. (Thank God I had an extra suitcase and just said, "You need to go back to your dad's house.")
@@audreyheart2180 The sneaky "snark" comment that you mentioned too..YEP! The friendship that I got rid of in my last comment I must expand upon and say that that stuff got really old for me too! Anything good my life they would find the negative and rain on whatever parade I was having. Eventually I realized that they were just trying to sneak me into the role of being some subservient friend or Mini Me or whatever you want to call it. I'm kind of happy that they had a rage attack when I would not go along or abide by what they were trying to push me into. (Watch out for fake friends who pretend to be on your level only to try some domination trip on you later over nothing!)
Had to leave a 40 year friendship recently. I realized i was doing all the work and reaching out. No more. I stopped all contact months ago with my good "friend."
Friendships expire when they dont fully respect who you are, letting go is hard, but worth it ❤
Unfortunately I've had to do the same over the last year... it was pretty painful but once I realized that the friendships were heavily one sided I had to do some self reflection to see if I should continue to set myself up for disappointment 😞
So I stopped reaching out and a couple never did... and that was that.
I forgave for my own peace of mind and I'm moving on with my life. I can't continue to people please and pour into friendships that aren't being reciprocated.
No hard feelings... I'm just shifting my energy into mutually beneficial relationships that fuels my soul.
Thank you so much for sharing, and I'm sorry you've been going through this too. It is hard at first, but over time it does feel better to be able to put our energy into things that fill us up :) xoxo
Yes! I feel ya! Me too! 👍🏻
I have fallen into this category. When my usefulness to them is not there then they have no need of me. So I was only around when they needed me to do things for them. There is one ATM who now is so resentful of me but needs me to piggy back thru college and only communicates when she wants something. So I am working on accepting her for who she is. And moving on and away from that. Can't keep using ppl and being envious as well. This is probably one of my most hurtful relationships. But I am ending it. She only reaches out when she wants something. So I stopped reaching out to ppl an most of them have fallen away. Its a shame because a lot if my so called friends are like this. As time goes by ppl change and mature... Some in positive ways. Some not so much. But I feel guilty like u know they need help... But its draining. And its just only when they want u for something. Sad. I hope someday I am blessed with ppl I can call true friends
Oh my gosh everything you just said I echo! I was tired of being the only giver and not having anything truly reciprocated. So I just walked away from a few relationships and even though sometimes it's very lonely there's a deeper sense of peace in reconnecting with myself and choosing only something that will be life-giving from this point forward!
If you’re the one always texting your friends first, stop texting and see how long it takes them to reach out.
I haven’t heard from some people in months.
It’s sad at first, but I’m grateful to give that energy back to myself now.
I've been telling myself this for months, but if I don't make the effort I'll never hear from most of these people ever again lool, guess I have horrible friends.
Jessica-
Oh gosh your comment really resonates with me. I did stop texting one friend and it’s funny how I sort of realized the friendship wasn’t mutual. Two people have to work at it, for it to work, in my experience.
It's the ultimate litmus test. I didn''t talk to my siblings that much. But I eventually admitted /realized that if they didn't return my calls and then they didn't call me at all, I'm just confirming I'm scape good and I'm glad to be out there. Now in friendships or romantic relationships, the same rule applies. (Who wants to be where do not want it or where they're TAKEN FOR GRANTED for too long?)
@@handsomesquidward5160 same here
A 35 year friendship I was in ended last year. We never had one harsh word or feeling over that time. It all happened so quickly. She had always flaked on getting together or getting together with our group. But she had 3 kids and I always forgave her now her three kids are gone and she was still flaking. I lost my family home in the California fires and when we gathered there to have a memorial type bbq and she flaked. She kept flaking on us getting together but she planned to come on my birthday, annnnd she flaked. When I finally spoke to how this was making me feel her response was “gosh, everything I do upsets you” “this is just how I am” I just got done. Just done and looked back and realized this was always a one sided friendship and that she would only be my friend when it was convenient for her! Didn’t matter if I was sick, didn’t matter if houses burned down. You could not have told me that this friendship would ever have ended but low and behold it did. Crazy.
I let 4 people go, 45 years!!!! One sided
@@lauracicero-miller3238 you could not have convinced me this would have happened. But good on us, opening up space for real friendship
You don't need her in your life..she is self-centred who needs it you'll make all new meaningful Friendships or even one special friend is fantastic too🙂
@@donnafontaine2799 thank you! And the weird thing is, I don’t miss her. So that tells me something.
What kind of friend doesn't show for you and see if you need help or offer a shoulder to lean on and most sad you went through a fire that took you're home ..so sorry about that hope things have turned around and if I could meet you gladly would but I'm miles away in the Boston area but love Cali!!
I had something similar happen. I contacted an old friend that I hadn't talked to in a while. We talked and made a date to meet and catch up. Within a span of a few phone calls, he tried to manipulate me into several favors even before our meet-up was to take place. He knew the old me. The one willing to help with no thought to my own well-being. It's a new day and a new way, and when he was confronted with my boundaries he disappeared into the sunset. I agree it feels exhaustive to be with people that feel like a ball and chain on our feelings. Love the content of this video. Great job!
First time viewer. It really hit when you asked “when did you become friends with these people?” And “would you be friends with them now if you’re meeting today”
Answered it for me. After a divorce, making friends, then getting remarried and having kids… I had one “friend” left. She went on to continue the party lifestyle and even had an abortion. I supported her and answered 3am drunk phone calls of her screaming about her abusive ex bf. I supported her thru that breakup. Recently I went thru an extreme hardship with my husband, neared divorce and it was BAD. it was over my birthday weekend and she didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. Not that I really cared but it was the principle. I always prioritized her and that’s what I get in return.
We’re just not going the same direction and I’m done with the bullshit.
I will push forward in my mental health and try to be my best self .. hopefully a friend will come along my way
Yep, same thing happened to me. When I started setting those boundaries, suddenly they didn't like me anymore. Multiple people unfriended me. It hurt, but I'm glad I saw their true colors. I'm done pleasing people who don't treat me well.
They hate it when you set boundaries. It is so liberating to put yourself and your self worth first.
I had a similar experience. All of the friends I gravitated towards were self esteem parasites or leading me down destructive paths until I had enough and cut them all off for good.
I've lost a lot of faith in humanity. Today's crop of human beings have never been so insufferable, myself included at times. A sick society makes the sick sicker.
omg yes "self esteem parasites" resonates with me. i'm dealing with someone like this and i've been trying to keep my distance.
Yeah the 'sick society' part definitely needs to be addressed. When human beings get reduced to a video game or a meme or a social media post you quickly scroll through and passed...how are any of us worth a shit to maintain a real relationship with.
I can relate to the example of the friend that would never call and only reach out when they needed something. I knew these people since we were kids and I’d always be the one to reach out and was considered the “mom of the group” because everyone expected me to be there for them. Yet, no one was there for me or checked in on me without me doing it first. It’s exhausting and no one deserves a one sided shitty friendship. If the relationship isn’t serving you and it’s exhausting you instead, it’s time to cut it off.
Wow - perfectly stated. I am 58 and dealing with these patterns I have recently realized of having narcissistic friends. It seems it is all I have ever known and now have ONE normal person for a friend and I adore her and I am really excited to see her. We can talk forever about a book or a movie. It feels like heaven. In the past my gf did ALL the talking. I was the one that gave them supply I guess. I've been pulling back and don't want to see them but couldn't put my finger on why - but they made me feel so bad about myself and of course I thought it was all me. I would listen to them for 2 hours and then they gotta go so they emptied me of all my energy and took it with them and I got nothing.
It's crazy - I've been seeing my unhealthy patterns lately and asking the question inside, where did this come from, what is this - and then if I stay in reflection over time, the answer just comes to me. My father talks about himself endlessly -so it started there. It's all I knew. Be the dim light because others shine brighter as if there is not enough to go around.
My new friend Lori, the light shines on us both and we can talk forever about anything. I don't have to sit and listen to her life like I am an audience for her. I think this might be the first friend I have truly had in my life. and I am GRATEFUL to have found her and have someone that reciprocates.
I recently had to shed two good friends and two family members within the last year and here I am at 66! Went through a lot of therapy 20 years ago but when I retired recently a lot changed within me... I realized I was no longer a people pleaser. For years I hadn't taken the time to really look at my own heart and what I needed as I was getting older. Your recounting of personal stories helped hundred percent more than most videos I've watched of people just giving advice. Honestly you are a breath of fresh air and I cannot thank you enough for giving me a sense of peace that what I chose to do for myself to be healthy and happy at this stage of my life was the right thing to do by letting go. Now I choose only what is life-giving!
I am 67 and am going through the same. Navigating our lives through time holds some surprises :)
Unfortunately, nothing necessarily lasts forever: neither love relationships nor friendships. My problem is, ever since I realized that ( especially for friendships), I am not able to really invest myself into any kind of relationships anymore because I can´t stand the feeling of losing people all the time :(
I totally get what you mean. I think about this quote a lot. “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” It’s super cliche, but I think it’s true.
Yeah I'm starting to feel the same way.
Maybe start with being your own best friend and then go from there.
The same for me
Ditto, I’ve lost many long time friendships over the years. It really hurts with some of them whom we were friends for almost 40 years. Nothing really bad happened but the friendships ended over stupid politics or me not being their “everything” to them. Or me being my authentic self and speaking my mind. I’m the one who’s supposedly always at fault but they’re the ones who never returned calls or called me. I cannot serve everyone all the time and agree with everything they want me to. It’s exhausting. Even though it’s sad to lose good friends as I get older and form new friendships, it’s made me realize I only have the energy to do so much and I will not change my views on certain things in order to keep friendships. I value myself and want to be around people who value me .
Some people are super friendly when they want something from you, be aware of fake "friends."
This was so helpful. I have a lifelong friend who ghosted me and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to repair it. Honestly, I don't think she's interested in repairing the friendship. I need to know how to speak up (in a respectful way), say my peace and finally put this friendship to rest.
Same
My mother has had the same group of friends for over 80 years. I grew up thinking that was what friendship was and that I was a failure. I agree with you up to a point but there are always going to be people who need us more than we need them. I tend to set boundaries with those people, and often, someone else comes along who can help them more than me, and I bow out gracefully.
Sometimes I feel like I'm still recovering from a very toxic friendship, and it has been two years since I ended it. It was for the best. Most people don't talk about ending friendships or how hard it is, and instead we put all our focus on romantic relationships, forgetting that friendships are strong relationships too...
Do it enough times and it’s routine 😎😢
@@nicholasn.2883 that says something...
I had to cease many friendships because it was all one sided. A few tried to re kindle the friendship after a few years, but I am so much happier now. I liked having time to myself I feel so much happier I went travelling and met new people and gave me so much confidence.
I ended my longest friendship months ago. It broke my heart. This helped remind me of the good reasons I did it and why I feel grief and empowerment at the same time. Thank you.
This one really spoke to me. I feel like she's just not fulfilling me anymore. I'm not the same girl she met in 2021. We wouldn't be friends if we met today.
I had 3 friends from college time (20+ years), but at some point I just said it's enough. Enough of this disrespect, trash talking, coming when they need something and forgetting about me for months when I'm in need.
This has really helped me in realising I don’t need to hold onto long term relationships if they don’t feel the same as when I first met them. Thankyou so much!
“Shedding a skin of your past self.” I relate to this so much. I lost my grandma who I was very close with and am not the same person. Within this past year, I have distanced from a few friends. It’s unfortunate but ppl change
It’s weird that I come across this at a time I’ve been trying to set boundaries. I’ve made a lot of changes in the last 3 months & every since I met my friend I’ve been stuck in this never ending cycle of drama & stress. When I’ve told my friend I’m going through major anxiety from listening to her on & off relationship with her ex …she only gave me space for one ☝️ day. Then it all started up again the next day! 🤦♀️ I’ve been worried about hurting her feelings but I know it’s for the best.
Two people drift apart when they start living different versions of the future.
When I came across this wisdom it resonated profoundly with me; I took a deep breath an let my long- term friendship go….
I'm seventy and have had friends but we've moved on for one reason or another, usually it's because they've moved hundreds of miles away but we don't ring or write however if we happen to meet for weddings or funerals the love is still there however there are new friends .At my age I've learned to rely on one person, actually two myself and my dog. Expecting friends to be here for me isn't an issue I don't so I'm not disappointed.
This really hit home for me. I've been going through a situation with several friends where I'm starting to realize that the friendship is only good for them, not me.
I've been struggling with guilt as I try to distance myself from them.
Thank you for sharing your stories and your struggles.
I have been drawing boundaries around a friend I’ve known since I was 5. We became two different people in high school, and since then, are oil and water with how our lives are playing out. Our moms are best friends, and yet, I don’t want to be obligated to be friends with her when it is a draining, one-sided relationship. Thank you for this video, it confirms me tremendously. Ending a 30 year “friendship” comes with a lot of guilt for me (also a people pleaser).
I resonate with this a lot.. it just never felt right with my old friend group so after I did some work on myself I chose to let them fall out of my life by not giving anymore. I have no resentment towards them but a lot of my other friends question this.. like there must be something wrong with me, how could I let them go so easily? But it was hard for me, not because of grief but in the way that it took effort to realize what was wrong with the dynamic and constantly question myself. Now I realize I'm not really the only one going through this!!! 🙏🙏
This was very helpful. Many times things need to end. Every friendship doesn’t have to end in a “beef” just simply realizing that it is not healthy.
Ending a friendship is easy,you tell them to f off.
"Stop Saying you're sorry." "Sorry" "Stop it!"
Problem was, I was never given an alternative way to express the emotion; nor the knowledge of why doing as I was asked is detrimental.
Now I have Generalized Anxiety Order, haha
Right?!?! Omg we do need more ways to express all we feel!! Thank you so much for sharing, and I hope you are able to get some support for your GAD. xoxo
I say sorry WAYY to much! And I even apologize for apologizing🤦🏽♀️. I totally get you😊
I read a cool piece of advice to replace the sorries with thank yous.
so for example instead of sorry for taking time to do something, you can say thank you for being patient.
That way you feel gratitude instead of remorse, and they feel like a good person giving you the space you need.
“I hope things work out for you.”
This is a huge topic and you should definitely make more videos on it!! We all need help with friendships to make them healthier and less toxic or how to let go of toxic friends or let go of long term friends. It’s a huge issue with Millennials and Gen Z! Social media is also changing the friendship dynamics and making friends seem disposable, we are living in weird connected yet disconnected times due to social media and para social relationships. From Jess in Australia!
Social Media = "Disposable friendships" . You hit the hammer on the nail right there!
You know how many times I’ve been “thrown away”? That’s perfect terminology right there
Really agree with you here. I was just thinking this, about what part social media plays into friendships because everything is posted online
Thanks for pointing this out! I feel like there needs to be a clearer line drawn between what a toxic friendship is and when someone just goes through friends over very minor perceived flaws or awkward moments because they view friendships as disposable. The other week I heard Ana Psychology say she didn't worry about friendships so much because they're kind of disposable to her, and even though I really like her channel that one statement gave me the creeps. All my life I've been told by a lot of people the exact same thing though more or less. It's a pretty common view on friendships, and it's always disturbed me because if you really think about it, friendships are actually the most pure kind of relationship you can have with another person because you're not being brought together just by biology, hormones, or societal expectations, but just the fact that you share a soul to soul bond and love one another for who you are, and yet it's the one we see dismissed and degraded the most as trivial. Friendship is a more egalitarian bond than you can have with blood family or a spouse. I've always been terrified of this idea that the only way you can experience "love" and community is through marriage and children which is what the friendship bashers were always trying to push on me, and this idea is even more harmful and isolating to people in abusive families and relationships.
I'm sure this issue cuts across all generations. I'm a baby boomer, and I posted my story above.
Thank you. Personally if a friendship is causing me more stress than happiness I cut the person off. Last year, I had an experience where a toxic person used me and it caused me to have to start taking SSRI’s for anxiety. The best thing I did was completely cut that person off.
Your post resonated with me. I had a "friend" who had the same effect on me. I used to dread her contacting me to the point it made me really quite ill. She was a very toxic person.
This video is hitting me like a train, I am the "dumped" friend. I keep going back and forth checking where and when I failed. This is a relationship that was an intense friendship, we advocated for each other and I have a tendency of "bleeding myself for others". I'm in such pain and heartache. I consider that I was worthy of having a talk, not to receive a long text and others, saying how he "cried what he had to, process it and knew it was gonna be hard for me, but I hope you get better". I'm still baffled
This video TOTALLY helped! I’m 57 and am on my 3rd. round of “purging” my so-called friends. In the last year I moved to a new area and got myself plugged in where I had a specific passion. Some of the women gravitated towards me and I them. Within 3-4 mo this I quickly knew they were not for me. Well…4 months later, I’m STILL trying to shake these women! I’m horrible with boundaries and am guilted and manipulated into lingering with them while absolutely not wanting to! Arrrg! The good news here is that I at least saw pretty quickly that I didn’t want these friendships. They operate as a little gang and want to do everything together….it seems so silly to me that women 57 and above, just live to keep their social calendars full. Where I’m at, it is frivolous and idle. I now am clear on what my life is about and what I cannot entertain. Sigh…any help with my inability to better hold firm on my boundaries?
Just tell them the truth in a kind way. Even in you do not want the group dynamic. Tell them. That is making your boundary clear. I am 36 years old and a lot of women stay in toxic relatiojships because they are affraid being alone. Maybe the are afraid being alone so they go in groups, kind of a safe feeling ?
I am also learning to live with boundaries. But I did not know that I really also was a people pleaser. Now living with boundaries is sometimes also scarry...not familiar I guess. But it does feel like peace and freedom!
Be a bitch😘Babe In Total Control of Herself.
Are there any activities that these people do that you enjoy that you can say, I’ll do these with you guys, but not everything?