Struggling with boundaries and want to learn how to set them? Sign up for my healthy boundaries workshop here: katimorton.com/the-shop/p/healthy-boundaries and happy new year! 🎉🥳
I truly didn’t see it coming but, after years of being Mr. Nice Guy and being taken advantage of, I finally approached my friend and directly explained that I will no longer accept the behavior. That person hasn’t contacted me at all since then and it’s been several years now. The loss of a friend can be difficult, but that boundary simply had to be placed.
Shadow self man, shadow self. When rejected for so long it has to come out. Sometimes to the wrong ppl, which ends up being carelessness. So we seek to understand it, even if that means it's no longer shadow. There will always be a new shadow self we are unaware of. Proud of u ❤️
@@aurora_boketto7746 Hi, Your comments are most appreciated. I must admit I’d never heard the expression “shadow self”, and I discussed it with my therapist last week. Consequently, I’m reading about Jung, Rank, Kierkegaard and others now in Becker’s, Denial Of Death. At this later stage of my life I’m learning to accept those inherent facets of my persona that I’ve always disliked. As for meeting new people, I’ve always welcomed them, while holding dear to those who’ve meant so much. As in that person who’s now only memories.
@@sergio2322 Actually, no I haven’t. He’s moved far away since then. He comes to visit family at times and hasn’t reached out at all. And that’s ok! As “they” say, the ball is in his court. If he should reach out, of course I would respond, but I’m not holding my breath.
I learned that we can’t get mad at people for overstepping boundaries if we didn’t put them up or honor them to begin with . It starts with us, not them .
However, some people’s motives are to purposely overstep boundaries, even if you have put them up… I stay clear of those people as much as I possibly can.
My reminder that my boundary settings are important these days after years & years of being a people pleaser is “ the only people who are upset at you setting boundaries are the ones who benefitted from you having none”
It’s so hard to set boundaries because you only learn about them through trial and error, like no one can give you specific examples to follow because it’s so personal But I guess that means if you experience it yourself, it really sinks in that certain boundaries are critical for you
I definitely used to just cut off every person who hurt me because I was mistaking the discomfort and pain of my unrealistically high expectations of friendship being broken for "unhealthy" or toxic people/behavior. Honestly though, that's a very lonely road to be put on. People who do genuinely care for you will sometimes hurt you on accident, and it's not fair to either them OR you to just reflexively cut them out of your life because you're more concerned with avoiding emotional pain than building a connection, claiming that "if they hurt you, then obviously they don't care." Again, it's not about controlling other people. If you think you're better off without them, cut them out! But be careful you're not really just justifying other unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Timestamps 0:00 Intro 0:50 Ask them to change the way they interact with you and think you're done 2:47 Focus on trying to change their behavior 4:05 "All of Nothing" boundaries 5:34 Example of "thinking you're done" 6:11 Example of "focusing on changing their behavior 7:18 Example of "all or nothing " Hope this helps people :)
I cut off all the people who hurt me. Now I’m mostly alone, terrified to let anyone or anything get close. Will a therapist help me look into this? Nope, not around these parts. Just advice to drink some nice tea and get a pedicure. The couple of people I do see every few weeks or so, I’m completely fake with - keeping it surface level so no one gets harmed. Putting on my old customer service turtle shell and blanking out anything that seems remotely harmful.
If there's a pattern of abuse and continued dismissal of stated boundaries, sure! She wouldn't suggest otherwise. But hurtful and abusive are two very different things, even if they can feel the same to our trauma brains. We all hurt each other from time to time, after all. Comes with the territory of connection. It's the behaviors that come before and after the hurt, from both parties, that make the real difference, which I think was part of what she was saying
My reminder that my boundary settings are important these days after years & years of being a people pleaser is “ the only people who are upset at you setting boundaries are the ones who we’re benefiting from you having none”
The tip I missed is: Don't give up on setting boundaries. We al set a boundary and a few minutes later "oh, that can do for this one occasion, but the next time..." My experience? If you give in that once, other people think it's not once but for ever.
From a parenting article, I read that having too rigid boundaries or too flexible boundaries can affect kids negatively and that they need a balance- Fml lol-
It's really hard and sometimes impossible to set boundaries if there's a power imbalance / financial dependence etc. More tips on that would be great! Right now the only thing that keeps me sane is internal emotional boundaries, as in detaching emotionally from the other party as well as I can.
I agree. I too am dependant and cannot leave. I feel like I am in a prison. It would really help if they could speak about it on these channels. It’s mostly for people who can leave.
@mre4112 not every situation arises in the beginning of a relationship. It can show up after being married for 12.5 years and 2 kids later like as in my current situation that has drastically shifted to this within the past 5 weeks.
Hurting someone else will not ease your pain but being kind will. - Unknown It is essential to understand that hurting someone can never relieve you from your pain. We often remain hurt, and in the process, tend to hurt other people too! However, it is essential to understand that when we hurt other people due to our own anger, depression, or frustration, it can no way give us any relief. It is important to understand that when you hurt other people, it gives the other person wounds, and that way, none of your wounds get healed. Hence, the best way to deal with your own troubles and wounds is to deal with them. We know that it is easier said than done, and many a time, we react at the moment without trying to understand the situation of the person on the other side of the table. It is high time that we should keep ourselves in their place and try analysing the situation with a greater maturity.
I cut off an aggressive family member this year. Such a relief, the best thing I ever did. There are people who have a strong moral code and know how to treat others well. They're good in a team, productive, kind & helpful. A relationship where I have to put up boundaries left right & centre, that's a red flag 🚩
I also find it's so important how you word a boundary. And how you word your response when one isn't followed. I can set them. But the follow through is sometimes harder. I am learning.
This is a very important topic. I am passive so my boundaries get tested all the time. It never ends. I find I usually go over the top in enforcing them.
Tip instead of separate work and private phones: get a dual SIM phone and two different numbers. You can disable the work SIM/number without turning off the phone and the other number!
I'm 18 years old and in my freshman year as a psychology student from the Philippines and your videos are really helping me learn more about myself and most especially about people. So thank you so so much!
I recently started saying no at work and people got mad. The thing is, almost nobody has proper boundaries at work, so if you're the only one not being okay with being exploited all the time, you look like a lazy/unreasonable person. B... you pay me part time, so I work part time. I step up if there's an emergency, but I'm done farming unpaid overtime.
I feel like I set boundaries all the time with people. It's part of everyday life. Some are small and subtle and others are the "bigger guns". 2 examples of the bigger ones I set last week ...letting a customer who was coming into my store to "chat" on a weekly basis know that I wasn't available to chart when they came in anymore. The other was asking my step sister to stop sharing information with me about the drama around her nephew and his mental health challenges. Both of these will require a follow up plan for me if they continue their behavior. I find that being very clear, straightforward and unemotional is the best way for me. You don't have to explain yourself in detail...just the facts. They might feel stung and may like you less because of it but that's not your problem. Part of the learning process is letting go of people liking you. I am 63 and don't have time to waste on a lot of bullshit in my life. My energy and time is precious.
My biggest problem is telling someone to not be verbally abusive, or to disrespect my privacy and then have them tell me I can't stop them. And then getting really upset and acting horribly because they wouldn't stop. Now I understand it's up to me, to just walk away and hopefully they eventually stop harassing me. Although I'm pretty sure I need a lawyer at this point.
This is good but does not adress the most difficult aspects of setting boundries... and that is the retaliation by boundry- busters/boundry-bullies, who often react with aggression (yelling, manipulation, etc), covert aggression and/or passive-aggressive retaliation including silent treatment, etc. - even a boss can be passive-aggressive in the reaction to a boundry (I have experienced it) and that passive-aggressive retaliation and/or covert aggression can be dangerous. And that is where fear of setting boundries comes from. So key is to get unmeshed from these dysfuctional and/or toxic people.
@@umaimasiddiqui7376 - hi. Plenty of content online.... I personally like the book "In Sheep's Clothing! by George Simon and also recommend Terri Cole youtube - she wrote book Boundry Boss and she discusses boundry bullies.....
To know that my opinion is important is the foundational part in setting personal boundaries ! Thete is really no absolute standard of what a right boundary should be
Any time I’ve attempted to set boundaries it has ended with me disconnecting from those people every single time. I blame my abusive family for that tho. If “don’t intentionally hurt me or disregard my trauma if you want me to communicate with you” doesn’t phase them I don’t believe there was a healthy way to continue those relationships….it just gets lonely. Lol
Same here. My sister goes to therapy and complained to her therapist about my boundary (my first and only boundary and we're in our late 30's. We grew up in a narcissistic household.). He told her I'll end up chasing away everybody who cares about me and be alone and lonely if I keep it up... That guy's a joke. Is he saying people who overstep your boundary without apology actually care about you? smh. I'd rather be alone than live in toxic relationships.
Could you do a video on parenting and boundaries? I notice a lot of these problems that you mentioned are absolutely crossed with parents (including mine when I was a kid), and it seems like a grey zone for when these rules can be met for both the parent and the child.
Not having any boundaries leads to loss of respect for yourself and especially from those who consistently cross your boundaries. Thank you for the insight on how it's not changing their behavior but mine, and that is exactly how I will proceed going forward. Thank you for such valuable information.
I'm still working on building up this habit myself, so the reminder was helpful, especially since you're great at laying things out clearly and concisely. I'd like to share some of my experiences with this topic, in the hopes it helps someone else get through theirs. When I was still in the thick of my healing, I went through a very brief period of "all or nothing," before progressing to just being very, very defensive of boundaries that I had only poorly set. I made it other people's problem, jumped to conclusions about their intentions, got upset, and then instead of accepting any apology (which I did not leave much space for to begin with), I remained inwardly resentful for a varying period of time, which was really just a form of passive aggression. A complete lack of composure and grace, which I now accept as growing pains but still very much regret for how it hurt others. It was unfair and unkind, doesn't matter that I didn't know any better. I still have my moments, little knee jerk impulses that I have to wrestle down before reaching for my empathy and kindness, but I'm steadily growing my grace. Though as I have, I now realize that the people around me also have poor or nonexistent boundaries and don't seem to have any self-awareness let alone interest in addressing it. It's not really my place to push them to, either, they have to be ready on their own, but it's frustrating and painful nonetheless to be projected on, to be "mind read," for my apologies to never be good enough. Not to mention it's so very difficult to learn a new skill when your only practice partners are also beginners, and not even taking the same class you are. Looking back, I can't blame the sparse friends of my youth for not sticking around, not that I did then either. But now I understand. It sucks, being treated like that. I think, perhaps, that those of us who went through trauma as kids tend to think we can't be the ones hurting others, only the ones getting hurt. Because hurting someone requires us to have power, something we were conditioned to think we don't have. But we do, we always did really. We just weren't allowed to examine it or to experience it, and so we never got the chance to grapple with the fact that our words and actions are OURS and they have an impact on other people whether we want them to or not, and it is no one else's responsibility to make sure it's a positive one. The other side of the coin to agency is accountability. We cannot lay claim to one without accepting the other. As in, it's impossible, and I think maybe the only way to truly have the first is to actively reach for the second, not the other way around. That seems to be the hardest fundamental to nail down post-trauma, from what I've both seen and experienced. Hell, it took me until I was 28 to realize that I could lift other people up! I'd learned to be more careful of hurting people by then, but that my praise could actually matter to someone and make them feel good kinda blew my goddamn mind, and then THAT blew my mind too. Because, duh?? Especially since I was already nice to others, already watched my words, so why was it even a shock to hear that spelled out? It was then a heavy blow when I realized that it was because despite my care and empathy toward people being genuine, the primary if not sole purpose of my niceness had only ever been to influence others' behavior toward me. It was a form of management, and had nothing to do with their happiness or wellbeing. And because I wasn't thinking in healthy terms, my attempts at real kindness fell flat, too, if they didn't completely backfire. Though difficult, I think letting that series of epiphanies really sink in was what, for me at least, finally settled the caged, shaking thing in my chest that had always told me to hide, run, seek pity because no will ever like me, no one will ever understand me, and that's just how things are because I'm separate from normal, worthy people and what's true for them can't be true for me. Suddenly, that latter belief had nothing to hang onto because now I had a way of understanding and changing the first two: treating others with effective kindness (not just kind intentions) and true respect (not fearful submission). People have a chance to like me when I'm good to them. People who like me want to stay and understand me when I display healthy boundaries and respect for their own by not trauma dumping on them. And when one or both of those things don't happen, well, I already did my best, the rest was up to them, so it's okay. I'm no longer invested in forcing it. I can feel any disappointment, and then let it go because I know I'm whole regardless. No harm done, no hard feelings, no spiraling with self-blame. The thing in my chest is still there, still shakes, still has more healing to do, but the cage -- my fortress turned prison -- is gone. What a relief to finally breathe! I hope you reading this lose yours soon, or as quickly as is possible for your journey. It's all right if you haven't yet or there's more work to do before you're ready. You'll get there! Just don't give up on yourself, okay? 🤗
I would add: boundaries only work when both sides recognize and agree on them. Think of it like borders between countries: for a border to work, both countries have to acknowledge and agree where it is. The same concept applies to relationships. If someone’s boundaries are not reasonable, you have every right to push back directly and gracefully. Simply state: “this boundary does not work for me. Let’s talk about how we can adjust this boundary to make it work for both of us. If this boundary is not adjustable, then I’m afraid you will no longer be able to [see me / work here / whatever the case may be.]”
Thank you Kati. I now realise that for 55years I’ve had zero boundaries, thanks to a narcissistic parent (mum). So late in life I’m now trying to understand boundaries and self protection from give give give. Your videos, with additional therapy, are starting to really help and make sense to me but accepting what my mum is and has done to me is overwhelming
Perhaps your mom was also hurt as a child and her skills of parenting were never developed, because she had a poor example . Some parents are doing the best they can under the circumstances, or maybe have the I just work here attitude, environment of centuries ago when feelings didn't matter. Not to say your mother didn't have options, as we always do... Now recognize you have the option to move on, grow your own person, and choose to ever become the hurt inter child she was ... it was her pain carried over, Don't do it to the next generation😢
I am very strict with what is ok for me and what not. If I request someone to change something there are two options 1) they change 2) we try to find a solution that is working for both of us. If I say "stop touching me" and the person doesn't, I refuse to meet the person (only calls or chats allowed) or puch the person away AND say that I don't want to be touched. I have quiet alot of people that complain about me not answering right away and I always say why (I didn't see it, I didn't want to answer that moment etc.) but I don't change my behaviour fully. I might say, that I send them an emogi as a sign that I answer later or similar. I make many people angry xD
Thank you this came at a perfect time. My personal space kept being invaded by one person. Even with just saying no, that was not respected. They kept sweet talking their behavior away. Like it was my fault. It has been a trigger for my PTSD. With the help of this and my therapist, I’m working on being specific about what behaviors are not tolerated and what the consequences of them crossing my boundaries will be.
This is crucial for me right now - thank you Kati I know making these videos are not easy and I want you to know that this is the only thing that genuinely helped when I've been crying for the last 3 days cause I feel overwhelmed at boundaries being mocked. Thank you
I'm a male who lost a lot of weight in 2014 due to a medical issue. I was 35 pounds heavier and muscular prior to that. I was amazed for the first couple of years at the ignorant comments I received, even from people who knew it was a med issue. Most didn't even believe the med issue. I heard it all about my weight. I had never really seen the ugly, ignorant side of people before that.
Work related: Some years ago, I took a several month western state remote assignment. On the first full day, I awoke to work related calls at 4:OOam local time from my 'home base' location where it was 2 time zones later (East). After a few days of being awakened at 4AM for work, I decided to ignore the calls and return call later. A small firestorm erupted with angry calls from senior management about not being "Available when needed." The long story made short: I had to adjust my boundary, adjust my waking day, and expect calls at 4AM.
On my iPhone I use different 'Focus' settings to basically mute anything work related when I'm not at work. Works like a charm. I can set it so I don't even SEE anything work related. I have a special 'On Call' setting for when I am required to be contacted outside of work.
I set a healthy boundaries for my children and me. It was about respect for others needs, and limiting the pressure that placed on children. I found out that this was a one way street in thier mind. They demanded it from us, but there was no mutual reciprocation. These boundaries ended a marriage of over 25 years. I still have doubts from time to time, but it was the right thing for my children.
I think 100% of the time I have set boundaries, the other person cuts off all communication with me. I think this is why I am hesitant in setting boundaries anymore.
This is a great video. I appreciate your views on a lot of these topics. I do want to just note that…if it’s not safe to set a boundary, it’s important for someone to seek professional support for managing that relationship and their safety. If it is safe to set boundaries then these tips are extremely valuable in doing so. Thank you for posting this.
I have two boundaries for my dad(aside from the obvious social convention ones like wearing clothing around him): do not talk politics, and do not discuss weight, my body, exercise, sugar, fat, calories, what I am eating, and how much I am eating(I am recovering from an eating disorder). You would not believe the meltdown he had when I made this request. He started screaming okay well you can't comment on my beard or my hair or my belly or anything, I was like okay if that is a boundary you want then I respect that, only for him to admit he didn't care if I commented on any of those things, he just didn't like the idea of me saying I wanted a boundary.
That is why we need to work on ourselves always. And true change comes when we change from the inside. I understood myself better when I learned about emotions from Andrew Kenneth Fretwell's book, Emotional Alchemy: The Love & Freedom Hidden In Painful Feelings Here is a quote that stayed with me: "Do you ever find yourself saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do, or feeling guilty about saying "no" to others? This can be a sign of an Earth imbalance within you. The Earth Phase also has a lot to do with our sense of boundaries - our ability to confidently say "no" and "yes" in a balanced way. When we can calmly decline things that don't serve us, or embrace things that do, we're embodying the qualities of a strong Earth. When boundaries are not clear it is easy to experience disappointment and manipulation." Nice video. Very helpful!
Focus on iPhone is like having several separate phones in one. You can set who can and can’t call or text you during work hours, sleep hours, or personal time. I use personal for vacations and time off. I use do not disturb as well. It’s a great feature for helping to set healthy boundaries!
Boundaries are difficult while we try to establish new friendships or with coworkers as lot of codependents seem to think it's fun to play psychologist with us.wr don't need fixing ...we are broken people where others get off on our weaknesses
I always say “mercy to an enemy cannot come at the cost of mercy for their victims.” Basically, the enemy is that person or that boundary you’ve failed to implement. Or even toxic behavior or a toxic person you keep around because you’re too scared to let them go due to the fear of loneliness. The victim is you and your mental health down the road. If you keep giving into these people and being Mr.Nice guy or a yes man all the time, you WILL get taken advantage of. There will be NO MERCY for your mental health. And then you’ll eventually have to go through a very hard loss stage regardless. But you must be the one in control of what you decide to do. Take control of your life right now. You’re the only one who will truly love you and the only one who truly looks out for you. Stop searching for that one person to bring you purpose. They don’t exist. You’re all you need. Personally, I’ve never had issues making friends or getting a girl friend, however something I have had trouble with is exactly what they talked about in this video. I tend to let myself get stepped on because I’m such a relaxed, peaceful guy. But, I’m also a marine who was trained to be anything but. I still have conflicting yins and yangs, getting them to work in harmony has been challenging for me. So getting the right relationships with friends and romantic relationships has been challenging. And that’s why. Because no boundaries are set. Please, take control of your life. Respect you. Go meditate on it. I know that sounds stupid but energy is real. I didn’t believe it before either but look at me now haha
Hey Kati, thanks. This is very helpful and ensures me that I am on the right track. When I was younger my strategy was number 3. In my thirties I thought I head to learn to stick it out longer in order to learn, then I was at Number 1 and last year I encorporated / understood Number 2 - it's a kind of education to people around us - we have to teach them what they can expect if they treat us a certain way. If we don't follow through, they learn that we don't follow through and will not care about what we said, because we ourselves did not care about what we said. But if we follow through they might be a bit frustrated with us for a time but then they know what to expect and get used to it.
One of the biggest problems is, setting the boundary. So you know what is that you do not want to accept, but you hesitate to make that explicit. You know something wrong is going on in the relationship, but you'd rather not say something. You don't ever really come across anyone who says, "I like being cussed at and stolen from and ignored and disrespected".But you do see a lot of people who accept being cussed at, stolen from, ignored, and disrespected.
Thank you, this video was very informative. 😋 Often times even though we're the one setting the boundary, we focus still on THEIR behaviours rather than ours.
I tried this and it didn’t end very well lol but I’m going to work on my delivery, and I’m honestly so proud that I was able to stand up for myself in general. Thank you!
I just had a boundary check with my housemate. I don't regret cutting ties with her cause she has no boundaries and has too high expectations of me. On top of it, I do not feel that genuine close relationship so I really don't want to do stuff for her like I did. I only get more expectations and less emotional support that I look for in a relationship. It's not healthy for me. I don't mind losing her.
I miss the part about what to do, if someone keeps overstepping the boundary. In your example, someone does not only keeps texting after work, but also keeps expecting an immidiate answer. Or the friend does not stop commenting your body (for sure not only during eating). Or an ex keeps coming back for contact over and over again, although he/she was already told there is no need or wish for contact. (But it is not often enough to be stalking and to get sued for.)
These are useful insights regarding boundaries. I have pretty good ones, but some could use some tweaking. I’m in a jazz big band, and our music director has made a number of seemingly innocuous comments to me, about me and in front of others over the years. It has becomd clear to me that I need to respond in a clear, concise way. The question was how best to follow it up with consistent messaging, since I assume that she’s so habituated to doing this that it will take considerable time for the message to sink in. Good to know that I can focus on crafting a message on repeat. Thanks.
I'm in a situation where an emotionally abusive family member, who is a psychiatrist, lied to the one she made me see whilst that psychiatrist was away, to ensure that I was admitted. I was already trying to communicate and enforce boundaries constantly, but feel this was a very clear,legal, professional and ethical boundary that should not have been crossed. Especially since the communication with that psychiatrist was not truthful, clearly positioned to manipulate the situation, and was meant to punish - beds were reserved in a psych ward without me being seen or contacted by the psychiatrist, when all I did was shout - quite angrily - at the psychiatric family member. The reasons for the reservation were not directly linked to my mental health, and in the first session with the psychiatrist, she encouraged me to avoid admission. It was also discovered that psychiatrist likely disclosed very personal, sensitive information to that family member, as other abusive family members began to use it to justify the admission. And further to it, that the psychiatrist family member was following the instructions, or fulfilling the requests, of one of the other abusive family members. Should I feel guilty for wanting to report the psychiatrist family member, who was clearly involved in reserving the beds inappropriately?
Sounds like you had to deal with a very unhealthy situation that crossed several boundaries. IMO, it is okay to own your boundaries and determine what was not okay. Only you can decide to report or not. Will a report give a voice to your boundaries or do you prefer to confront the person instead (to avoid an impact on the person’s career)?
@@candaceheidenrich6278, thanks for your comment. Confrontations only allow for more lying, double-speak and gaslighting from the family member. After the fact, when I made it clear, in writing, that I am going "no contact", opportunities to cross even that boundary, like the death of another family member from whom they never had relationship, were used to "forget about everything that happened", pretend like nothing at all had happened, and then to even question why I was still angry... Even odd behaviour like having gifts delivered to my flat on my birthday, as a cheeky way to insist that a fake apology can fix this betrayal was exhibited. From what I can see, the law governing mental treatment was broken where I live, and in fact, anybody (likely any medical professional) who witnessed this weaponization of psychiatric treatment had a duty to report it. But when I raised the point with the other two who might qualify as witnesses, it was either dismissed and even responded with anger. I'm hoping that reporting it will mean it is treated seriously by authorities in the relevant professional body, that it hopefully makes it clear that disguising this kind of behaviour as "care", "concern" or "love" is unacceptable, that this goes on that psychiatrist family member's record since they are likely to, and are very capable of, doing this to one of their patients, And ultimately helping me to stop ruminating, so I can move on.
So like a muscle, setting boundaries and reinforcing them take consistent effort and practice. So unless we stop doing that we have weak or zero boundaries. Otherwise if we continually do them even failing or being novice/ not effective at first, we can only get better after time.
We used to be "great" at setting boundaries in the past, but when you feel like your life somehow became the Truman Show, it becomes alot more tedious?...if anything, we're trying to understand how to set boundaries with everyone and only considering cutting ppl off if we feel they are completely toxic for us, but we will try to give other ppl the courage to confront things like this, as are you Kati, and thank you for the advice you've given in the past
Kati, you are amazing. I have been in tears in both of your videos. I am very grateful for these huge insights. I am really struggling. You videos give me hope and resolution. I started searching for a therapist. In the mean time big thumbs up! Merci.
I set boundaries and ppl wanna b offended/upset but I don’t care anymore about how the person feels after I set a boundary because 9/10 the person didn’t care about how YOU felt when they were crossing YOUR boundaries . Most of the time ppl get pissy when they don’t get what they want from u and that’s fine. You can still say no! If they get mad at you for setting a boundary then I don’t engage with the person much further!!
I deal with a manager at work that demonstrates very high traits of OCPD and Narcissism. I set out-of-office replies in my email every day and weekend saying when I will next be back in the office. I defensively calendar at least one day in advance, sometimes an entire week if I have a lot of work to do. I've tried talking to him, to his boss, and HR, and everyone is essentially trying to avoid a lawsuit only. If I could cut him off entirely I would. I know enough about him that there isn't anything there to build on with him. I focus on my own mental health and try not to take his disorder personally. I must admit, after years of him being abusive towards me behind closed doors, I am hoping that my growing skills in Grey Rocking will cause him to lash out in front of the entire office and his bosses will start doing something about it.
Hi Kati! I have a question about how boundaries come into play when taking care of parents. In my mind there are certains things that are not reeally my responsibility, but a lot of cultures teach us that doing a lot of things for our parents is "expected." Sometimes I feel like the parents use that and kind of guilt trip us...but as working adults, navigating our own lives is already very stressful. What do we do and how do we explain to the older generation (who are still healthy etc.) that they shouldn't give all that responsibility over to their kids? Thank you!!
I have the same issue. It's something different when the person can't do something for themselves or asks you to help in a way that's possible. But some parents decide that since you are a child they can control you their whole lives. Putting pressure on you is controlling you
Boundaries are important but they just show us who and who doesn't deserve our time. Some people will never respect boundaries and lack empathy and self awareness. You don't keep reinforcing your boundaries with persistent offenders, you have to begin to limit contact or cut people out of your life entirely.
#2 I'm not trying to change their behavior. I'm trying to determine if they are going to remain in my inner circle or just exist on the outer fringe. #3 You call it "B&W Thinking", I call it "Natural Selection" 🤣. On a serious note, I do believe in trying to meet the challenge and work toward a victory before bailing out.
Exactly Karen..I have anxious attachment and have been a seen as toxic or not respecting boundaries because of it 😢 Typical scenario; Someone says wonderful things to me that make me feel valued and special and like I’ve made a connection with the person, then I get anxiously attached and they bail and I’m groveling and then I get seen as ‘toxic’ and attention seeking and maybe even stalkerish for not respecting boundaries 😢 The pain and despair have been real..
I put up boundaries and made it clear, but they still won't respect them. I don't know what to say for what will happen if they over step. They've completely ignored them
Hello Kati . I have had a problem with boundaries .. I used to give people 3 chances & then I was out ..now I have very few freinds not lol .. Can I suggest ( as a lifelong photographer hobbist & passionate about it ) that if you got a Backdrop or something planned out it would be long term worthwhile .for your filming .. I think .. just a suggestion . Yellow is a colour that works for you & suits your skin really well as it seems do most of the Pastel colours .. Tonight I spent over an hour listening to some good & constructive advice from Ted Talks & other sources & it was such a releif to " Change the channel " & listen to your voice . even the gr8 truths can sometimes irritate from a voice that seems to " hurt " one's ears lol ... as an Irish / Scot .. with freckles & a tendency to burn in just 10 minutes of hot sunlight .. I once saw a famous Fashion Guru on a Morning Magzine type show discussing what people of various skin colours should wear & his advice for my skin type was Black white Grey dark blue & combinations of those .. lol .. I do not have a clue as to where you are from or to what kind of background you might come from but your voice is in that mid range & soothing .. Here in what used to be called Great Britain there exists still a very " Class Concious " society based upon one's voice / regional accent etc etc .. what schools did you go to .. for example it is not a co-incidence that the now Princess Kate went to the same school as Prince William the Heir in waiting .. My Aunt ( by Marriage ) who was a famous Shakespearean actress told me " Eyes Hair & teeth Darling & a good suit or a little black dress " lol .. She has such a fabulous voice & a commanding prescence she once got a Policeman to park her Car for her when she was arriving late for a performance & as she said " a little cleavage never hurts " lol .. Right now I feel like I am climbing back up the stairs from the one way elevator & each time I listen / watch you is another boost up in my climb .. I watch much more than I comment .. but you were kind enough to put a heart on one of my comments & I cannot deny it was like a little ray of sunshine in my day .. I shall try not to comment too often .. & no reples are required .. But Big love to you & your loved ones & to all of the community .. Never give up .. Today was a good day .. cheers from the Forest in ye olde Englande .
I don't think most people are even realize but a huge a lot of companies actually do what she has talked about I mean they asked 100 million percent of your time and effort and I mean I don't know how people really go to set up boundaries on that type of reality
Thanks for your helpful tips, Kati, I really struggle in setting boundaries, especially with loved ones, so I'll make that one of my New Year's Resolutions! 🎉😉
Dad (narcissist) doesn't like/respect/honor boundaries especially since he is the reason I have the boundaries. He doen't always abide by my boundaries(at his sole convenience). I am protecting myself. (He is demanding; has shamed me for having boundaries.)
He has no boundaries and doesn't respect mine most of the time. So frustrating! I rarely talk with him, but he still tests how far he can get away with ignoring my boundaries!) He has been doing this since I was 12 1/2 or younger. I am 59 now! I owe him nothing!
Struggling with boundaries and want to learn how to set them? Sign up for my healthy boundaries workshop here: katimorton.com/the-shop/p/healthy-boundaries and happy new year! 🎉🥳
I truly didn’t see it coming but, after years of being Mr. Nice Guy and being taken advantage of, I finally approached my friend and directly explained that I will no longer accept the behavior. That person hasn’t contacted me at all since then and it’s been several years now. The loss of a friend can be difficult, but that boundary simply had to be placed.
Shadow self man, shadow self. When rejected for so long it has to come out. Sometimes to the wrong ppl, which ends up being carelessness. So we seek to understand it, even if that means it's no longer shadow. There will always be a new shadow self we are unaware of. Proud of u ❤️
How is it going meeting new ppl? I've been doing the same
@@aurora_boketto7746
Hi, Your comments are most appreciated. I must admit I’d never heard the expression “shadow self”, and I discussed it with my therapist last week. Consequently, I’m reading about Jung, Rank, Kierkegaard and others now in Becker’s, Denial Of Death. At this later stage of my life I’m learning to accept those inherent facets of my persona that I’ve always disliked. As for meeting new people, I’ve always welcomed them, while holding dear to those who’ve meant so much. As in that person who’s now only memories.
So u never reached to ur friend u approached?
@@sergio2322 Actually, no I haven’t. He’s moved far away since then. He comes to visit family at times and hasn’t reached out at all. And that’s ok! As “they” say, the ball is in his court. If he should reach out, of course I would respond, but I’m not holding my breath.
I learned that we can’t get mad at people for overstepping boundaries if we didn’t put them up or honor them to begin with . It starts with us, not them .
Yes, yes, yes!
So does that mean that after a certain point, setting boundaries with someone is useless and too late? How late is too late to set boundaries up?
So true yes, so true
Especially complicated when the boundary is just them being them, some natural behaviour that they don't seem to understand is problematic
However, some people’s motives are to purposely overstep boundaries, even if you have put them up… I stay clear of those people as much as I possibly can.
My reminder that my boundary settings are important these days after years & years of being a people pleaser is “ the only people who are upset at you setting boundaries are the ones who benefitted from you having none”
Ouch, that one hurt. :')
I always say, if you have an issue with my boundaries, chances are you’re the reason I have them
It’s so hard to set boundaries because you only learn about them through trial and error, like no one can give you specific examples to follow because it’s so personal
But I guess that means if you experience it yourself, it really sinks in that certain boundaries are critical for you
I definitely used to just cut off every person who hurt me because I was mistaking the discomfort and pain of my unrealistically high expectations of friendship being broken for "unhealthy" or toxic people/behavior. Honestly though, that's a very lonely road to be put on. People who do genuinely care for you will sometimes hurt you on accident, and it's not fair to either them OR you to just reflexively cut them out of your life because you're more concerned with avoiding emotional pain than building a connection, claiming that "if they hurt you, then obviously they don't care." Again, it's not about controlling other people. If you think you're better off without them, cut them out! But be careful you're not really just justifying other unhealthy coping mechanisms.
👏 Very well said!!!!
Timestamps
0:00 Intro
0:50 Ask them to change the way they interact with you and think you're done
2:47 Focus on trying to change their behavior
4:05 "All of Nothing" boundaries
5:34 Example of "thinking you're done"
6:11 Example of "focusing on changing their behavior
7:18 Example of "all or nothing "
Hope this helps people :)
❤❤
"You think you've got everything together, then one dropped boundary and everything blows out of proportion."
-The Universe
Wow
there's nothing wrong with cutting off people who are harmful to you
Exactly!
I cut off all the people who hurt me. Now I’m mostly alone, terrified to let anyone or anything get close. Will a therapist help me look into this? Nope, not around these parts. Just advice to drink some nice tea and get a pedicure.
The couple of people I do see every few weeks or so, I’m completely fake with - keeping it surface level so no one gets harmed. Putting on my old customer service turtle shell and blanking out anything that seems remotely harmful.
If there's a pattern of abuse and continued dismissal of stated boundaries, sure! She wouldn't suggest otherwise. But hurtful and abusive are two very different things, even if they can feel the same to our trauma brains. We all hurt each other from time to time, after all. Comes with the territory of connection. It's the behaviors that come before and after the hurt, from both parties, that make the real difference, which I think was part of what she was saying
My reminder that my boundary settings are important these days after years & years of being a people pleaser is “ the only people who are upset at you setting boundaries are the ones who we’re benefiting from you having none”
@@KooblyK how do you mean before and after?
The tip I missed is: Don't give up on setting boundaries. We al set a boundary and a few minutes later "oh, that can do for this one occasion, but the next time..." My experience? If you give in that once, other people think it's not once but for ever.
Great note!
From a parenting article, I read that having too rigid boundaries or too flexible boundaries can affect kids negatively and that they need a balance- Fml lol-
It's really hard and sometimes impossible to set boundaries if there's a power imbalance / financial dependence etc. More tips on that would be great! Right now the only thing that keeps me sane is internal emotional boundaries, as in detaching emotionally from the other party as well as I can.
I agree. I too am dependant and cannot leave. I feel like I am in a prison. It would really help if they could speak about it on these channels. It’s mostly for people who can leave.
I’m in the same situation!! It’s a prison.
@mre4112 not every situation arises in the beginning of a relationship. It can show up after being married for 12.5 years and 2 kids later like as in my current situation that has drastically shifted to this within the past 5 weeks.
Start setting up a saving account and get away!!
Actually you could still set financially boundaries, people gonna have to just learn to be self-dependent.
Hurting someone else will not ease your pain but being kind will. - Unknown
It is essential to understand that hurting someone can never relieve you from your pain. We often remain hurt, and in the process, tend to hurt other people too!
However, it is essential to understand that when we hurt other people due to our own anger, depression, or frustration, it can no way give us any relief.
It is important to understand that when you hurt other people, it gives the other person wounds, and that way, none of your wounds get healed. Hence, the best way to deal with your own troubles and wounds is to deal with them.
We know that it is easier said than done, and many a time, we react at the moment without trying to understand the situation of the person on the other side of the table.
It is high time that we should keep ourselves in their place and try analysing the situation with a greater maturity.
Thankyou self help this means a lot..
I cut off an aggressive family member this year. Such a relief, the best thing I ever did.
There are people who have a strong moral code and know how to treat others well. They're good in a team, productive, kind & helpful.
A relationship where I have to put up boundaries left right & centre, that's a red flag 🚩
A real lifelong struggle for me. I'm 45 now and am growing and changing into my full self ❤
I also find it's so important how you word a boundary. And how you word your response when one isn't followed. I can set them. But the follow through is sometimes harder. I am learning.
This is a very important topic. I am passive so my boundaries get tested all the time. It never ends. I find I usually go over the top in enforcing them.
Thanks for sharing!!
Tip instead of separate work and private phones: get a dual SIM phone and two different numbers. You can disable the work SIM/number without turning off the phone and the other number!
Great tip, had no idea!
Looked for this comment, because I wanted to write the same tip ;-).
This also works with eSIM or a combination of both.
Wow that's such a cool tip!
I'm 18 years old and in my freshman year as a psychology student from the Philippines and your videos are really helping me learn more about myself and most especially about people. So thank you so so much!
Some of the hardest boundaries to set are boundaries with drinking buddies when you're trying to quit drinking altogether.
i maintain boundaries by disassociating from those who lack the basic ability to understand them.
Boundaries are so important at work. I almost had a mental breakdown because I had no boundaries in place.
I recently started saying no at work and people got mad. The thing is, almost nobody has proper boundaries at work, so if you're the only one not being okay with being exploited all the time, you look like a lazy/unreasonable person.
B... you pay me part time, so I work part time. I step up if there's an emergency, but I'm done farming unpaid overtime.
I feel like I set boundaries all the time with people. It's part of everyday life. Some are small and subtle and others are the "bigger guns". 2 examples of the bigger ones I set last week ...letting a customer who was coming into my store to "chat" on a weekly basis know that I wasn't available to chart when they came in anymore. The other was asking my step sister to stop sharing information with me about the drama around her nephew and his mental health challenges. Both of these will require a follow up plan for me if they continue their behavior. I find that being very clear, straightforward and unemotional is the best way for me. You don't have to explain yourself in detail...just the facts. They might feel stung and may like you less because of it but that's not your problem. Part of the learning process is letting go of people liking you. I am 63 and don't have time to waste on a lot of bullshit in my life. My energy and time is precious.
My biggest problem is telling someone to not be verbally abusive, or to disrespect my privacy and then have them tell me I can't stop them. And then getting really upset and acting horribly because they wouldn't stop. Now I understand it's up to me, to just walk away and hopefully they eventually stop harassing me. Although I'm pretty sure I need a lawyer at this point.
Yes, and you need to completely block them from ever having access to your life again.
Yes, and you need to completely block them from ever having access to your life again.
Thank you Kati, this was really helpful and liked that you made a point that it's not us trying to change their behavior.
Thank you for being here!
Thank you for covering this Kati. "Boundaries are not the same as requests." Golden.
This is good but does not adress the most difficult aspects of setting boundries... and that is the retaliation by boundry- busters/boundry-bullies, who often react with aggression (yelling, manipulation, etc), covert aggression and/or passive-aggressive retaliation including silent treatment, etc. - even a boss can be passive-aggressive in the reaction to a boundry (I have experienced it) and that passive-aggressive retaliation and/or covert aggression can be dangerous. And that is where fear of setting boundries comes from. So key is to get unmeshed from these dysfuctional and/or toxic people.
100% agreed. The fear is real!!
Can you give me an example of being passive - aggressive on your boundaries? A boss or friend or any relationship
@@umaimasiddiqui7376 - hi. Plenty of content online.... I personally like the book "In Sheep's Clothing! by George Simon and also recommend Terri Cole youtube - she wrote book Boundry Boss and she discusses boundry bullies.....
To know that my opinion is important is the foundational part in setting personal boundaries ! Thete is really no absolute standard of what a right boundary should be
Any time I’ve attempted to set boundaries it has ended with me disconnecting from those people every single time. I blame my abusive family for that tho. If “don’t intentionally hurt me or disregard my trauma if you want me to communicate with you” doesn’t phase them I don’t believe there was a healthy way to continue those relationships….it just gets lonely. Lol
Same here. My sister goes to therapy and complained to her therapist about my boundary (my first and only boundary and we're in our late 30's. We grew up in a narcissistic household.). He told her I'll end up chasing away everybody who cares about me and be alone and lonely if I keep it up... That guy's a joke. Is he saying people who overstep your boundary without apology actually care about you? smh. I'd rather be alone than live in toxic relationships.
I like my boundaries. You should respect them.
Could you do a video on parenting and boundaries? I notice a lot of these problems that you mentioned are absolutely crossed with parents (including mine when I was a kid), and it seems like a grey zone for when these rules can be met for both the parent and the child.
I would very much like to see this too!
I agree.
I would recommend checking out In Sight podcast
Sometimes we do not need so much boundaries in our connections because we share the same values and move in ways that align with eachother.
Not having any boundaries leads to loss of respect for yourself and especially from those who consistently cross your boundaries. Thank you for the insight on how it's not changing their behavior but mine, and that is exactly how I will proceed going forward. Thank you for such valuable information.
I'm still working on building up this habit myself, so the reminder was helpful, especially since you're great at laying things out clearly and concisely. I'd like to share some of my experiences with this topic, in the hopes it helps someone else get through theirs.
When I was still in the thick of my healing, I went through a very brief period of "all or nothing," before progressing to just being very, very defensive of boundaries that I had only poorly set. I made it other people's problem, jumped to conclusions about their intentions, got upset, and then instead of accepting any apology (which I did not leave much space for to begin with), I remained inwardly resentful for a varying period of time, which was really just a form of passive aggression. A complete lack of composure and grace, which I now accept as growing pains but still very much regret for how it hurt others. It was unfair and unkind, doesn't matter that I didn't know any better. I still have my moments, little knee jerk impulses that I have to wrestle down before reaching for my empathy and kindness, but I'm steadily growing my grace. Though as I have, I now realize that the people around me also have poor or nonexistent boundaries and don't seem to have any self-awareness let alone interest in addressing it. It's not really my place to push them to, either, they have to be ready on their own, but it's frustrating and painful nonetheless to be projected on, to be "mind read," for my apologies to never be good enough. Not to mention it's so very difficult to learn a new skill when your only practice partners are also beginners, and not even taking the same class you are. Looking back, I can't blame the sparse friends of my youth for not sticking around, not that I did then either. But now I understand. It sucks, being treated like that.
I think, perhaps, that those of us who went through trauma as kids tend to think we can't be the ones hurting others, only the ones getting hurt. Because hurting someone requires us to have power, something we were conditioned to think we don't have. But we do, we always did really. We just weren't allowed to examine it or to experience it, and so we never got the chance to grapple with the fact that our words and actions are OURS and they have an impact on other people whether we want them to or not, and it is no one else's responsibility to make sure it's a positive one. The other side of the coin to agency is accountability. We cannot lay claim to one without accepting the other. As in, it's impossible, and I think maybe the only way to truly have the first is to actively reach for the second, not the other way around.
That seems to be the hardest fundamental to nail down post-trauma, from what I've both seen and experienced. Hell, it took me until I was 28 to realize that I could lift other people up! I'd learned to be more careful of hurting people by then, but that my praise could actually matter to someone and make them feel good kinda blew my goddamn mind, and then THAT blew my mind too. Because, duh?? Especially since I was already nice to others, already watched my words, so why was it even a shock to hear that spelled out? It was then a heavy blow when I realized that it was because despite my care and empathy toward people being genuine, the primary if not sole purpose of my niceness had only ever been to influence others' behavior toward me. It was a form of management, and had nothing to do with their happiness or wellbeing. And because I wasn't thinking in healthy terms, my attempts at real kindness fell flat, too, if they didn't completely backfire.
Though difficult, I think letting that series of epiphanies really sink in was what, for me at least, finally settled the caged, shaking thing in my chest that had always told me to hide, run, seek pity because no will ever like me, no one will ever understand me, and that's just how things are because I'm separate from normal, worthy people and what's true for them can't be true for me. Suddenly, that latter belief had nothing to hang onto because now I had a way of understanding and changing the first two: treating others with effective kindness (not just kind intentions) and true respect (not fearful submission). People have a chance to like me when I'm good to them. People who like me want to stay and understand me when I display healthy boundaries and respect for their own by not trauma dumping on them. And when one or both of those things don't happen, well, I already did my best, the rest was up to them, so it's okay. I'm no longer invested in forcing it. I can feel any disappointment, and then let it go because I know I'm whole regardless. No harm done, no hard feelings, no spiraling with self-blame.
The thing in my chest is still there, still shakes, still has more healing to do, but the cage -- my fortress turned prison -- is gone. What a relief to finally breathe!
I hope you reading this lose yours soon, or as quickly as is possible for your journey. It's all right if you haven't yet or there's more work to do before you're ready. You'll get there! Just don't give up on yourself, okay? 🤗
I would add: boundaries only work when both sides recognize and agree on them. Think of it like borders between countries: for a border to work, both countries have to acknowledge and agree where it is.
The same concept applies to relationships. If someone’s boundaries are not reasonable, you have every right to push back directly and gracefully. Simply state: “this boundary does not work for me. Let’s talk about how we can adjust this boundary to make it work for both of us. If this boundary is not adjustable, then I’m afraid you will no longer be able to [see me / work here / whatever the case may be.]”
Thank you for that note about the other person repeatedly doing the thing, isn't an indication that the boundary isn't working. I needed to hear that.
Thank you Kati. I now realise that for 55years I’ve had zero boundaries, thanks to a narcissistic parent (mum). So late in life I’m now trying to understand boundaries and self protection from give give give. Your videos, with additional therapy, are starting to really help and make sense to me but accepting what my mum is and has done to me is overwhelming
Perhaps your mom was also hurt as a child and her skills of parenting were never developed, because she had a poor example . Some parents are doing the best they can under the circumstances, or maybe have the I just work here attitude, environment of centuries ago when feelings didn't matter. Not to say your mother didn't have options, as we always do... Now recognize you have the option to move on, grow your own person, and choose to ever become the hurt inter child she was ... it was her pain carried over, Don't do it to the next generation😢
I am very strict with what is ok for me and what not. If I request someone to change something there are two options 1) they change 2) we try to find a solution that is working for both of us. If I say "stop touching me" and the person doesn't, I refuse to meet the person (only calls or chats allowed) or puch the person away AND say that I don't want to be touched.
I have quiet alot of people that complain about me not answering right away and I always say why (I didn't see it, I didn't want to answer that moment etc.) but I don't change my behaviour fully. I might say, that I send them an emogi as a sign that I answer later or similar. I make many people angry xD
Thank you so much Kati!!! I once heard a quote saying: "you can't help others when you're not having boundaries yourself first" and it's so true :)
Thank you this came at a perfect time. My personal space kept being invaded by one person. Even with just saying no, that was not respected. They kept sweet talking their behavior away. Like it was my fault. It has been a trigger for my PTSD. With the help of this and my therapist, I’m working on being specific about what behaviors are not tolerated and what the consequences of them crossing my boundaries will be.
This is crucial for me right now - thank you Kati I know making these videos are not easy and I want you to know that this is the only thing that genuinely helped when I've been crying for the last 3 days cause I feel overwhelmed at boundaries being mocked. Thank you
I'm a male who lost a lot of weight in 2014 due to a medical issue. I was 35 pounds heavier and muscular prior to that. I was amazed for the first couple of years at the ignorant comments I received, even from people who knew it was a med issue. Most didn't even believe the med issue. I heard it all about my weight. I had never really seen the ugly, ignorant side of people before that.
Such fantastic information! Thank you! I’ve worked hard on setting boundaries and get almost defensive ahead of time. This video really helps.
I need to see this every day for rest of my life
Work related: Some years ago, I took a several month western state remote assignment. On the first full day, I awoke to work related calls at 4:OOam local time from my 'home base' location where it was 2 time zones later (East). After a few days of being awakened at 4AM for work, I decided to ignore the calls and return call later. A small firestorm erupted with angry calls from senior management about not being "Available when needed."
The long story made short: I had to adjust my boundary, adjust my waking day, and expect calls at 4AM.
Thank you for sharing this!
On my iPhone I use different 'Focus' settings to basically mute anything work related when I'm not at work. Works like a charm. I can set it so I don't even SEE anything work related. I have a special 'On Call' setting for when I am required to be contacted outside of work.
This is a great reminder that boundaries are part of everyday life. Practice it everyday
I set a healthy boundaries for my children and me. It was about respect for others needs, and limiting the pressure that placed on children.
I found out that this was a one way street in thier mind. They demanded it from us, but there was no mutual reciprocation.
These boundaries ended a marriage of over 25 years.
I still have doubts from time to time, but it was the right thing for my children.
I think 100% of the time I have set boundaries, the other person cuts off all communication with me. I think this is why I am hesitant in setting boundaries anymore.
Think of it as… the trash took itself out.
Hi Kati! I love watching your videos in the morning over a cup of coffee. You've become part of my morning ritual🥰
I’m so glad! Good morning to you!
This is a great video. I appreciate your views on a lot of these topics. I do want to just note that…if it’s not safe to set a boundary, it’s important for someone to seek professional support for managing that relationship and their safety. If it is safe to set boundaries then these tips are extremely valuable in doing so. Thank you for posting this.
Thats because being nice doesn't get u results being assertive does.
I have two boundaries for my dad(aside from the obvious social convention ones like wearing clothing around him): do not talk politics, and do not discuss weight, my body, exercise, sugar, fat, calories, what I am eating, and how much I am eating(I am recovering from an eating disorder). You would not believe the meltdown he had when I made this request. He started screaming okay well you can't comment on my beard or my hair or my belly or anything, I was like okay if that is a boundary you want then I respect that, only for him to admit he didn't care if I commented on any of those things, he just didn't like the idea of me saying I wanted a boundary.
That is why we need to work on ourselves always. And true change comes when we change from the inside.
I understood myself better when I learned about emotions from Andrew Kenneth Fretwell's book, Emotional Alchemy: The Love & Freedom Hidden In Painful Feelings
Here is a quote that stayed with me:
"Do you ever find yourself saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do, or feeling guilty about saying "no" to others? This can be a sign of an Earth imbalance within you.
The Earth Phase also has a lot to do with our sense of boundaries - our ability to confidently say "no" and "yes" in a balanced way. When we can calmly decline things that don't serve us, or embrace things that do, we're embodying the qualities of a strong Earth. When boundaries are not clear it is easy to experience disappointment and manipulation."
Nice video. Very helpful!
Beautiful thanks for sharing! ❤
Focus on iPhone is like having several separate phones in one. You can set who can and can’t call or text you during work hours, sleep hours, or personal time. I use personal for vacations and time off. I use do not disturb as well. It’s a great feature for helping to set healthy boundaries!
Thank you so much for all your hard work to help make the world a healthier and happier place ❤️ sending so much love from NYC. Hope you're well!!
🫶🫶🫶
watching this i realised how much of an all or nothing mindset i have, thank you!😊
Boundaries are difficult while we try to establish new friendships or with coworkers as lot of codependents seem to think it's fun to play psychologist with us.wr don't need fixing ...we are broken people where others get off on our weaknesses
I always say “mercy to an enemy cannot come at the cost of mercy for their victims.” Basically, the enemy is that person or that boundary you’ve failed to implement. Or even toxic behavior or a toxic person you keep around because you’re too scared to let them go due to the fear of loneliness. The victim is you and your mental health down the road. If you keep giving into these people and being Mr.Nice guy or a yes man all the time, you WILL get taken advantage of. There will be NO MERCY for your mental health. And then you’ll eventually have to go through a very hard loss stage regardless. But you must be the one in control of what you decide to do. Take control of your life right now. You’re the only one who will truly love you and the only one who truly looks out for you. Stop searching for that one person to bring you purpose. They don’t exist. You’re all you need. Personally, I’ve never had issues making friends or getting a girl friend, however something I have had trouble with is exactly what they talked about in this video. I tend to let myself get stepped on because I’m such a relaxed, peaceful guy. But, I’m also a marine who was trained to be anything but. I still have conflicting yins and yangs, getting them to work in harmony has been challenging for me. So getting the right relationships with friends and romantic relationships has been challenging. And that’s why. Because no boundaries are set. Please, take control of your life. Respect you. Go meditate on it. I know that sounds stupid but energy is real. I didn’t believe it before either but look at me now haha
An option to turning off your phone is to put it into a Focus Mode that only allows certain operations like only text messages from certain people.
Happy New Year Kati! Hope you're doing well.
Happy new year! 🥳🥳
Hey Kati, thanks. This is very helpful and ensures me that I am on the right track. When I was younger my strategy was number 3. In my thirties I thought I head to learn to stick it out longer in order to learn, then I was at Number 1 and last year I encorporated / understood Number 2 - it's a kind of education to people around us - we have to teach them what they can expect if they treat us a certain way. If we don't follow through, they learn that we don't follow through and will not care about what we said, because we ourselves did not care about what we said. But if we follow through they might be a bit frustrated with us for a time but then they know what to expect and get used to it.
I absolutely needed this, thank you, Kati! This is my main goal for 2023, as well as being direct with others and not so passive.
One of the biggest problems is, setting the boundary. So you know what is that you do not want to accept, but you hesitate to make that explicit. You know something wrong is going on in the relationship, but you'd rather not say something.
You don't ever really come across anyone who says, "I like being cussed at and stolen from and ignored and disrespected".But you do see a lot of people who accept being cussed at, stolen from, ignored, and disrespected.
You explained this so well! Thank you so much, Kati! :)
Thank you, this video was very informative. 😋 Often times even though we're the one setting the boundary, we focus still on THEIR behaviours rather than ours.
This video is super helpful!
I tried this and it didn’t end very well lol but I’m going to work on my delivery, and I’m honestly so proud that I was able to stand up for myself in general. Thank you!
I'm interested in learning more about your boundaries workshop. Thank you
You can visit the link in the description!
I just had a boundary check with my housemate. I don't regret cutting ties with her cause she has no boundaries and has too high expectations of me. On top of it, I do not feel that genuine close relationship so I really don't want to do stuff for her like I did. I only get more expectations and less emotional support that I look for in a relationship. It's not healthy for me. I don't mind losing her.
I miss the part about what to do, if someone keeps overstepping the boundary. In your example, someone does not only keeps texting after work, but also keeps expecting an immidiate answer. Or the friend does not stop commenting your body (for sure not only during eating). Or an ex keeps coming back for contact over and over again, although he/she was already told there is no need or wish for contact. (But it is not often enough to be stalking and to get sued for.)
These are useful insights regarding boundaries. I have pretty good ones, but some could use some tweaking.
I’m in a jazz big band, and our music director has made a number of seemingly innocuous comments to me, about me and in front of others over the years.
It has becomd clear to me that I need to respond in a clear, concise way. The question was how best to follow it up with consistent messaging, since I assume that she’s so habituated to doing this that it will take considerable time for the message to sink in. Good to know that I can focus on crafting a message on repeat. Thanks.
I'm in a situation where an emotionally abusive family member, who is a psychiatrist, lied to the one she made me see whilst that psychiatrist was away, to ensure that I was admitted. I was already trying to communicate and enforce boundaries constantly, but feel this was a very clear,legal, professional and ethical boundary that should not have been crossed.
Especially since the communication with that psychiatrist was not truthful, clearly positioned to manipulate the situation, and was meant to punish - beds were reserved in a psych ward without me being seen or contacted by the psychiatrist, when all I did was shout - quite angrily - at the psychiatric family member.
The reasons for the reservation were not directly linked to my mental health, and in the first session with the psychiatrist, she encouraged me to avoid admission.
It was also discovered that psychiatrist likely disclosed very personal, sensitive information to that family member, as other abusive family members began to use it to justify the admission.
And further to it, that the psychiatrist family member was following the instructions, or fulfilling the requests, of one of the other abusive family members.
Should I feel guilty for wanting to report the psychiatrist family member, who was clearly involved in reserving the beds inappropriately?
Sounds like you had to deal with a very unhealthy situation that crossed several boundaries. IMO, it is okay to own your boundaries and determine what was not okay. Only you can decide to report or not. Will a report give a voice to your boundaries or do you prefer to confront the person instead (to avoid an impact on the person’s career)?
@@candaceheidenrich6278, thanks for your comment.
Confrontations only allow for more lying, double-speak and gaslighting from the family member.
After the fact, when I made it clear, in writing, that I am going "no contact", opportunities to cross even that boundary, like the death of another family member from whom they never had relationship, were used to "forget about everything that happened", pretend like nothing at all had happened, and then to even question why I was still angry...
Even odd behaviour like having gifts delivered to my flat on my birthday, as a cheeky way to insist that a fake apology can fix this betrayal was exhibited.
From what I can see, the law governing mental treatment was broken where I live, and in fact, anybody (likely any medical professional) who witnessed this weaponization of psychiatric treatment had a duty to report it.
But when I raised the point with the other two who might qualify as witnesses, it was either dismissed and even responded with anger.
I'm hoping that reporting it will mean it is treated seriously by authorities in the relevant professional body,
that it hopefully makes it clear that disguising this kind of behaviour as "care", "concern" or "love" is unacceptable,
that this goes on that psychiatrist family member's record since they are likely to, and are very capable of, doing this to one of their patients,
And ultimately helping me to stop ruminating, so I can move on.
This was so helpful, I don’t even have the words to explain. Thank You ❤
Thank you! I think this will help me. To think about what I'll do if the request isn't upheld.
So like a muscle, setting boundaries and reinforcing them take consistent effort and practice.
So unless we stop doing that we have weak or zero boundaries.
Otherwise if we continually do them even failing or being novice/ not effective at first, we can only get better after time.
We used to be "great" at setting boundaries in the past, but when you feel like your life somehow became the Truman Show, it becomes alot more tedious?...if anything, we're trying to understand how to set boundaries with everyone and only considering cutting ppl off if we feel they are completely toxic for us, but we will try to give other ppl the courage to confront things like this, as are you Kati, and thank you for the advice you've given in the past
Kati, you are amazing. I have been in tears in both of your videos. I am very grateful for these huge insights. I am really struggling. You videos give me hope and resolution. I started searching for a therapist. In the mean time big thumbs up! Merci.
I tried setting boundaries with my family of origin, I ended up excluded from family gatherings and got a silent treatment in response
I set boundaries and ppl wanna b offended/upset but I don’t care anymore about how the person feels after I set a boundary because 9/10 the person didn’t care about how YOU felt when they were crossing YOUR boundaries . Most of the time ppl get pissy when they don’t get what they want from u and that’s fine. You can still say no! If they get mad at you for setting a boundary then I don’t engage with the person much further!!
Happy new year Katie. I find of your channel go ahead
I deal with a manager at work that demonstrates very high traits of OCPD and Narcissism. I set out-of-office replies in my email every day and weekend saying when I will next be back in the office. I defensively calendar at least one day in advance, sometimes an entire week if I have a lot of work to do. I've tried talking to him, to his boss, and HR, and everyone is essentially trying to avoid a lawsuit only. If I could cut him off entirely I would. I know enough about him that there isn't anything there to build on with him. I focus on my own mental health and try not to take his disorder personally. I must admit, after years of him being abusive towards me behind closed doors, I am hoping that my growing skills in Grey Rocking will cause him to lash out in front of the entire office and his bosses will start doing something about it.
Dear God... Thank you. Living with an overbearing mother who's brutally unaware that other personalities than hers exist.
Hi Kati! I have a question about how boundaries come into play when taking care of parents. In my mind there are certains things that are not reeally my responsibility, but a lot of cultures teach us that doing a lot of things for our parents is "expected." Sometimes I feel like the parents use that and kind of guilt trip us...but as working adults, navigating our own lives is already very stressful. What do we do and how do we explain to the older generation (who are still healthy etc.) that they shouldn't give all that responsibility over to their kids?
Thank you!!
I have the same issue. It's something different when the person can't do something for themselves or asks you to help in a way that's possible. But some parents decide that since you are a child they can control you their whole lives. Putting pressure on you is controlling you
@@NtombiBam-pj4rl omg yeah I know what you mean. The guilt can get so bad >
@@katopedia how do you deal with the guilt
Thank you for this video!! The Four Agreements (book) summary REALLY helped me move out of victim thinking / being so insecure internally.
Boundaries are important but they just show us who and who doesn't deserve our time. Some people will never respect boundaries and lack empathy and self awareness. You don't keep reinforcing your boundaries with persistent offenders, you have to begin to limit contact or cut people out of your life entirely.
A lot of important things were said here, I hope to better apply them.
#2 I'm not trying to change their behavior. I'm trying to determine if they are going to remain in my inner circle or just exist on the outer fringe. #3 You call it "B&W Thinking", I call it "Natural Selection" 🤣. On a serious note, I do believe in trying to meet the challenge and work toward a victory before bailing out.
Happy New Year Kati! Thank you for your videos. ❤🎉
Happy new year 🥳🥳
@@Katimorton 🙃
thank you, Kati
Thank you. Presented clearly and succinctly.
Therapy on Wednesday on boundary setting training. This is so complicated!
What do you recommend for someone who experiences extreme rejection sensitivity due to complex childhood trauma that’s not healed yet?
Exactly Karen..I have anxious attachment and have been a seen as toxic or not respecting boundaries because of it 😢
Typical scenario; Someone says wonderful things to me that make me feel valued and special and like I’ve made a connection with the person, then I get anxiously attached and they bail and I’m groveling and then I get seen as ‘toxic’ and attention seeking and maybe even stalkerish for not respecting boundaries 😢
The pain and despair have been real..
@@kimrose80 Yes, that is exactly what I go through too!..You know.
The pain and despair IS real. 😢
Hugs Karen 🌸
@@kimrose80 Hugs back🌸
I put up boundaries and made it clear, but they still won't respect them. I don't know what to say for what will happen if they over step. They've completely ignored them
Cut these people out of your life.
@@battlevain thanks, I did somewhat recently
thank you for this video Kati, I’m really struggling with this and this really helped
Hello Kati . I have had a problem with boundaries .. I used to give people 3 chances & then I was out ..now I have very few freinds not lol .. Can I suggest ( as a lifelong photographer hobbist & passionate about it ) that if you got a Backdrop or something planned out it would be long term worthwhile .for your filming .. I think .. just a suggestion . Yellow is a colour that works for you & suits your skin really well as it seems do most of the Pastel colours .. Tonight I spent over an hour listening to some good & constructive advice from Ted Talks & other sources & it was such a releif to " Change the channel " & listen to your voice . even the gr8 truths can sometimes irritate from a voice that seems to " hurt " one's ears lol ... as an Irish / Scot .. with freckles & a tendency to burn in just 10 minutes of hot sunlight .. I once saw a famous Fashion Guru on a Morning Magzine type show discussing what people of various skin colours should wear & his advice for my skin type was Black white Grey dark blue & combinations of those .. lol .. I do not have a clue as to where you are from or to what kind of background you might come from but your voice is in that mid range & soothing .. Here in what used to be called Great Britain there exists still a very " Class Concious " society based upon one's voice / regional accent etc etc .. what schools did you go to .. for example it is not a co-incidence that the now Princess Kate went to the same school as Prince William the Heir in waiting .. My Aunt ( by Marriage ) who was a famous Shakespearean actress told me " Eyes Hair & teeth Darling & a good suit or a little black dress " lol .. She has such a fabulous voice & a commanding prescence she once got a Policeman to park her Car for her when she was arriving late for a performance & as she said " a little cleavage never hurts " lol .. Right now I feel like I am climbing back up the stairs from the one way elevator & each time I listen / watch you is another boost up in my climb .. I watch much more than I comment .. but you were kind enough to put a heart on one of my comments & I cannot deny it was like a little ray of sunshine in my day .. I shall try not to comment too often .. & no reples are required .. But Big love to you & your loved ones & to all of the community .. Never give up .. Today was a good day .. cheers from the Forest in ye olde Englande .
I don't think most people are even realize but a huge a lot of companies actually do what she has talked about I mean they asked 100 million percent of your time and effort and I mean I don't know how people really go to set up boundaries on that type of reality
Thanks for your helpful tips, Kati, I really struggle in setting boundaries, especially with loved ones, so I'll make that one of my New Year's Resolutions! 🎉😉
🫶🫶🫶
O hi Trina - fancy seeing you here!
@@restlessmosaic Greetings, great minds certainly think alike, right! 😉
@@trinaq Correct!
M(aking)
B(oundaries)
T(akes)
I(nitiative)
Dad (narcissist) doesn't like/respect/honor boundaries especially since he is the reason I have the boundaries. He doen't always abide by my boundaries(at his sole convenience). I am protecting myself. (He is demanding; has shamed me for having boundaries.)
He has no boundaries and doesn't respect mine most of the time. So frustrating! I rarely talk with him, but he still tests how far he can get away with ignoring my boundaries!) He has been doing this since I was 12 1/2 or younger. I am 59 now! I owe him nothing!
I set and keep boundaries against evil and demons. You're welcome to work on navigating that one, however I will not.