Critical Secrets an Avoidant Man Will Never Tell You, That Can Change Your Love Life
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- Опубліковано 9 жов 2024
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I only got attention from my avoidant ex-bf when I said goodbye. 🙄 Did that for over 11 years 😮 so glad to get strong enough to say goodbye for good. Met Ed in Feb and it's wonderful to be treated like gold ✨ for the first time at 60!!
@deec411 So Happy for you 😍
Good for you! Gold attracts gold you know!? 😉💖
Was with an avoidant for 18 months. We both felt love like never before. Until he sabotaged the relationship by coping with other women and telling me over text- “I love you completely and want only you. I’m not looking for anything else. But I’m not in a place where I can provide you with what you need and deserve. I’m just not in a great place right now. I’m sorry.”
I introduced him to attachment styles.. he started therapy during our relationship, that lasted a month. Feeling vulnerable in any way scared him. It’s been two and a half months since that text he sent. I’ve heard nothing from him, probably won’t. Love these videos.. thank you for this.
Avoid emotionally stunted avoidants at all costs, unless of course you are addicted to misery, pain and suffering, in which case they are perfect for you.
Yes please Brian, more info about avoidants - women can be avoidant too, due to the same reasons you describe. The key here is what you say, if people are actively working on healing their trust issues, then patience and kindness will win eventually. Some people have learned that they can only rely on themselves and it takes time to build trust with others. Thank you 😊
Thank you for being the first channel to call our needs the avoidant fails to meet "normal". I truly appreciate that.
He likes me, he wants me, but fears the closeness he wants more than he wants it. He has some good qualities as a person and also believes he wants, an actually is, offereing a proper relationship. I was secure, but falling in love with him destabilised me. I still love him but......
Time will cure you of that! Been there. ❤
Me too, he drifted away after 2 months. If he returns and wants to work on himself and I am willing and available, then we will see. Sad though. A lovely man.
Same
🙋🏽♀️I just had to abandon my avoidant man. I was completely unfamiliar with attachment styles. I had a great childhood and was focusing on my beloved career therefore no heart break and I am secure. He on the other hand had the difficult childhood.
Things were great for 2 months. I thought he was my soulmate and he said the same about me. But once it was time to intensify the relationship he began drifting away, citing work as the reason why. I felt alone even though I was supposed to be with him, unwanted and invisible.
He was never mean (though some can be) just slowly withdrew from me. He is a lovely man and if he could recognize it and work on it, he would be a fabulous partner for someone and I truly wish him the best!
Thank you Brian, a very accurate description almost identical to mine.
Yes pls do another video. You describe it’s all so clearly. I would love to hear more about avoidance men. I married one , Anytime there was a problem he always ran away and expected me to fix everything. I always told him that I feel like the glue in this family. Maybe he is a narcissist because now he’s run away from me after 4 decades Also ghosts his own family and his closest friend And how funny that people saw us as the perfect couple.
Thank you for making sense of this, I’ve spent years trying to figure out why someone pushes me away while keeping me so close, it’s very heartbreaking and confusing but now I have a clearer understanding why
I think you are one of the best male advisors on males on the internet today!
That was good, thank you. More on avoidants and the difference to the narcissists would be greatly appreciated ❤
ultimately no difference, they will both rip your heart out soon enough. Avoidants are really just well meaning narcissists. Avoid emotionally stunted avoidants at all costs.
This video is extremely validating and such a good representation of how these relationships work
I’m with one now, believe me it’s hard to handle this man 😢 tank you for a brilliant job,please make another video about this topic 😊👏
Yes please. This is very interesting and helps a great deal especially your comment about being kind. If you leave, you never feel bad if you were kind. Thanks
Very informative. Just realised my ex (been together 31 years) is an avoidant. Now gone off with a rebound and everything would appear to be lost, but I'm reclaiming who I am so not all bad. Perhaps it's his loss and my gain. Love you direct style and great sense of humour. Thank you
Great video! Super helpful. I'd love to see more content on distinguishing between a toxic man and an avoidant one. I recently ended a crush/potential relationship with someone I believe is an avoidant or potentially a man with some narcissistic tendencies. He would sometimes manipulate situations - like trying to make me jealous (to make me fight for him), going hot and cold, and yet constantly seeking to contact me when I pulled away. He didn't love bomb me or promise me the moon, and I didn't participate in his games. He also comes across as very emotional, immature and insecure, and I kinda think his games are his way of trying to control a situation that scares him. I'm older than him, very independent and confident. He respects me when I stand up for myself, does want to help me, and shows through actions and his eyes that he does seem to have deep feelings for me. He is also very caring and soft when I'm being vulnerable. In his own way, he has told me he wants me, but that he is too scared. However, he also denies this. I know... I should just run, and I did :D But I'm still curious about it all...
Wow, this sounds very familiar to my husband 😮
Just.. Gosh me. I'm eleven years down the line. It wasn't always like this.. Just like with you, he could be very sweet and vulnerable, but also immature, cowardly, and sooo passive and unintentionally (?) manipulative!
Everything changed when i stopped putting him on a pedestal and developed needs of my own..
I'm in the process of leaving, but not gonna lie, it's the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm so uncertain because of the things that were good.
Be happy you got out now! It doesn't get better, only worse!
It broke me..
All the best to you dear ❤
Would also love more information from Brian..
He sounds like a fearful avoidant, and I totally get what you're saying. Sometimes, we have to try again to see if that relationship could be different. I feel like it's the not knowing that stops me from ending a relationship. what could that relationship look like if he was healthy? also, there could be lessons we haven't learned quite yet. I think when I feel it in my body, I'll know when to walk away. I have recently started disassociating. I changed his name in my phone, and if I speak about him, I use the same name. I think it's good to detach mentally and emotionally before walking away. I feel like my boyfriend has a lot of great qualities. However, his dismissive, avoidant attachment style takes over a lot it impacts so much of our relationship if I don't see the needle move in the next 4 months I'm going to walk away I have a deadline of when feels right for me to walk away I want to see our relationship progress my boundaries are more communication and listening I want to be a part of his day by talking more being present in the moment when we are on dates by listening to each other and having fun together today he called me on his lunch it was a very simple thing we talked for 10 minutes I really appreciated that it's the little things he does that are the sweetest ❤
Make more videos on the avoidant. Thanks.
I dated one for close to 2 years. I didn’t know about Avoidants at the time. The first time I told him I loved him (this was after lots of I love yous from him) he said “that doesn’t change anything.” Which it really must have. Over time he just became less and less affectionate, withheld intimacy etc. ie he deactivated me. I told him I’d leave his place sometimes thinking “wth was that?” Ultimately I was brutally discarded and we never spoke again. Very painful experience.
Great vid and more of this please. Avoidants are tricky because often they are genuinely nice people so there's no glaring defect as with the narc. It's harder to maintain boundaries and not slip into accommodating their fears. Still, it must be done. The red flag is not in them as much as it is in the person trying to bond with them and it is that feeling of overcompensating. Overcompensating = Red flag.
Brian, I’m a fan of your straightforward insights & advice.
I’m so glad you made a video on Avoidants. Pls make more esp on Fearful Avoidants.
My wonderful soulmate is FA & I’m keen to support him & help him heal & for our relationship to grow into commitment. So videos on how best to support them & also to manage it so that it doesn’t just drift away or be in some twilight zone.
Thanks so much Brian!
Thank you for talking about avoidant men. There aren't that many videos about it out there. I'd love more videos about this topic.
Hello Brian, Thank you so much for another amazingly informative video.
I'd really love to watch more of youre videos on avoidant men please, most people will think im crazy if I say I was in a very abusive relationship and im now in an avoidant one we have both had difficult pasts, you asked what it feels like?
For me its like a roller coaster of feeling lonely and then its ok again but then here my heart goes again why do I miss him so much and he seems ok without me? Why do I need so many cuddles and affection? Am I being too needy? Am I too much, maybe im not enough? Oh look at all those xx's hes put on my text 😍
No text night night, course he needs space Claire stop being ridiculous, hes just tired he works hard, you will see him next week when he can.
Just a few random worries & thoughts.
Thank you again I love it when you read until the end 🤗
Love this video. Please make many more videos about Avoidants. I think it is avery common situation and would help so many people to understand this dynamic in relationships.
I learned a great deal from this video. Thank you, Brian.
You are right from every direction! Perfect Video! Thank You! 😩🙏
“Hi My name is
David & I’m An
Avoidance!!”
😆😆😆😆
Be Gentle Caring & Helpful!!!
Thank You 🙏🏽
4 sharing Brian
🙏🏽🙏🏼🙏🏽❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Brian, plz make more videos about this topic & the dynamics in the relationship.
Thank you Brian. This is very valuable. Please make more videos based on avoidant men.
Well expressed and i have known this for a long time. You do the best synopsis profile
He was selfish & lacked empathy when triggered. He also pouted a lot.
Thank you for this video. Now I understand him. Please make more videos about avoidants. Thank you
Wow Brian.. how I wanted you to talk about avoidant attachment style.. Thank you so much.. you hav a lot of wisdom.. you speak words of knowledge
That person can teach you the TRUE concept of unconditional love, and self-acceptance. Many people are conditional in their love and don't know it. It doesn't mean everyone will permanently relate to a person with avoidant tendencies, but if you choose to do so, you will learn the way of self-suffiency which is what most ancious people have needed to do.
💯 agree! while many talk of the "anxious-avoidant *trap"* where an anxious chases an avoidant who pulls away which encourages them to pull away more, i find the flip side "anxious-avoidant *dance"* can be incredibly healing!
when an avoidant pulls away, do so also - not out of spite or anything like that but respect their need for space & use the opportunity to nurture other connections/passions/interests then when you come back together you're both coming from more "full" places
i'm a "fearful avoidant"/"disorganized" so it's probably a bit easier for me than an "anxious preoccupied" person but when 1st met my DA partner i was overwhelming triggered into my anxious side (big part of why we drifted away after 6 very rocky months)
when we reconnected 18mo later i'd lean into my avoidant side when triggered which helped things last longer but since i discovered attachment theory & embraced the "dance" more our relationship has been blossoming as has my own personal development 💜
Thank you, I appreciate your insight. Please make more videos on this topic!
I have been with a dismissive avoidant man for 36 years. How you ask? We got together when there was no language for it and I grew up under those conditions.I thought starving for love was normal and if I felt bad it was my fault.I also learned to live alone as it were. I guess I viewed it that although I wanted more intimacy, I thought at least I can do as I please with no interference and at least he wasnt trying to control all my actions. I am only learning right now that most of my issues I haven't been able to overcome are related to how he and I relate. Your videos are helpful because I understand I am not crazy,controlling,abusive as he tells me I am. I understand what is happening better and am gaining confidence in knowing my feelings are valid and have truth and to understand him. Thank you for your information, I am learning tons. I have worked on myself in huge ways and was can now see why I could only get so far. So yes,more info,especially about long long term relationships. Does anyone else have a dismissive avoidant partner they have been with so long?
I was with my avoident ex for 20 years. For years he spoke of leaving and having his own space. He often went away for weeks at a time to have space for himself but always came back and said he loved me and wanted to work on our relationship. There was no intimacy for the last 7 years of your relationship and he did not want to address that. We got on well on a day to day bases and are home was calm. Eventually he left. I was heartbroken. He moved on within a few months to someone else. I found it difficult to see how easy it was for him to move on. That was 4 years ago. It took me 3 years to recover. Now, I can see the relationship was not fulfilling. I am dreadful he left. Life has more joy without him. I am in a relationship with a secure man. It is fabulous. It feels equal and we talk and connect so easily. I am 50 and I am glad that I will not be growing old with someone who is cold.
17 years, two children. Now separated since April. He abruptly left which is probably the 10 th time. Once on my birthday, once on New Year’s Day, once 6 weeks after a major life changing event. Never there in a crisis. Nearly dies of liver failure when we had split for 2 years, yes still not around. I’ve lost count. He is now in a relationship for the first time within weeks of his exit. Don’t know who she is and he will probably keep her a secret from me for a very long time if he is able .
We only text as he couldn’t take calling me or anyone else .
He wouldn’t commit to living with me even though we lived together for 10 years.
In that time I now realise he was always distant but got used to it.
He lied about small thins and big things in order to avoid any conflict or to just get his own way.
It has made me (anxious attachment) with PTSD and ADHD completely lose who I am and now my self esteem is almost zero.
he would say it was always me and my emotional outbursts that made the relationship breakdown.
He was telling me I was beautiful in December, arranging a surprise anniversary in feb, discussing with my older daughter about arranging a holiday next year. Even agreed to couples therapy then backed out of it.
Then April I became upset about a small issue and he abruptly left saying it wasn’t fair on me without even telling me what was unfair.
Saying he could spend a month without me , saying he doesn’t love me anymore.
I’m completely heartbroken and have spent 6 months ruminating about this. He texts me like I’m a stranger even though I’m the mother of his children. 17 years! Tragedy.
can you make a video FOR the avoidant man please? Your videos are great!
Excellent idea!
Just don’t use the term avoidant, they find it triggering. Oh no don’t use that word either, they find it ‘off putting’
This is a very important topic that I would like to hear more about! ❤
This is one of the best videos on Avoidants. This describes my relationship perfectly. I was a secure attachment style but my Avoidant made me more Anxiously attached. He's discarded me and returned several times over the years. I loved him like no other so always took him back. Everything you said here describes him perfectly.
Are you still together?
This is so good.. more please!!
God bless you for this video. I feel so relieved and validated.
Brian makes sense always love form 🇰🇪🇰🇪🇰🇪
Answered some questions like no other video re: avoidant vs narcissist.
thank you
Excellent video Brian❤❤
Very accurate. It's nice to hear that feeling sth is off is not always a sign of neediness.
Could you please make another video with advice how to detach emotionally from constant pulling& pushing game with such man?
This is an amazing video!! Thank you. I learned alot about avoidants. Yes, would be great to learn more.
Thank You so much! This is SO helpful. It's amazing how much You know the dynámics how avoidants work in relationships. I'm in a "relationship like this" and this has confirmes me i'm doing good. Thank You again and I Will love another video for You to go deeper in the topic. You are a genious! Keep up the good work. I'm from Argentina.
Thank you for this very informative and detailed video. It was so helpful on many levels. I was dating an avoidant (unknowingly) and experienced many of the things you described. As of this writing, I am giving him space and time, once again. So I don’t know where this will lead or end. One good thing I did do was remain calm and kind. I knew something was wrong but could not realize what it was.😢 Your presentation is professional and yet personal so you make the viewer feel engaged and appreciated.😊
Love this... More please
Yes, please make a few more videos about Avoidant Men. For example: What are the differences between Avoidant and Narcissist? What is the best way to communicate with an Avoidant without setting off their activation system?
This is my relationship without question... spot on description 👌 helpful overview to better understand the dynamic and IF I choose to continue with this particular level of connection he's able to offer.
My avoidant slowly drifted away after two months. Proceed with caution. He was unable to meet a super basic need, even though I asked respectfully 3 times. I ended up feeling in a relationship but still unwanted, and lonely.
I’m Very Secure In My Relationships And Was In A Long-Term Relationship That Was Fairly Healthy Just Grew Apart. Recently Dated An Avoidant Shortly And He Disappeared For The Second Time After Pouring His Heart Out I Was So Confused And Frustrated. So The Saying “He Can Make A Secure Women Feel Insecure” Is Very True And I Am Good Boo! 💔
What was it like?? Torture. Extreme stress. Crazy-making. Horrible heartbreak in the end. (MULTIPLE heartbreaks!!) Thank you for this video. It is one of the very best I've watched on the subject.
As always… excellent information. So appreciate your videos. Thank you 😊
Great summary, maybe the best I've Heard so gar. Thank you.
These men are confusing as hell. Get out while you can. The trouble is they don’t only avoid closeness, they avoid dealing with their own emotions, past and shortcomings, thus leading to inauthenticity. They make unhealthy partners for those looking for emotionally mature, stable and healthy relationships.
Most of the times they are gays under the closet
Broke up with my DA a month ago, after 4 years. I thought I was secure, so this was horrible when he pulled away - I just couldn’t do it any longer. Didn’t know what else to do though..
This was bang on right. I had met an avoidant who i felt was attracted to me. But as soon as I felt he realised I liked him too, he ghosted me. Years later, when he is married and I am married to another person he came back. And really looked interested. I am clear about his behaviour now seeing your video. Thank you so much. Make more videos on this topic. One point I felt you should have added was that they are scared of being vulnerable
Yes please. I've been with an avoidant, and it kinda turned me into an avoidant.
I spent years on and off with an avoidant. I'm the one that is sick of the bullshit.The cycle has completed, and he's back and wants me. No, thank you. The best way to be respected by an avoidant is to leave them. Even they know that their behaviour is appalling.
Very informative. I'd love a similar video about dealing with a man with an anxious attachment style.
This validated my experience i had with a 100% dismissive avoidant over the summer. You're 100% right it's not my job to fix or help him and I recognized that. While he kinda broke things off, I recognized he was right in that we weren't compatible because he wasn't doing any work on himself to mitigate his avoidant attachment style and put it all on me. And for a hot minute, I took it on. Ugh. Glad that's over. Lol 😅
😂😂 was just thinking about my avoidant man heartbreak . His name was Mark! Thanks Brian!
Trust me I have sat in room full of avoidants and as an INFJ I seem to attract them. It can be really tragic.
Brilliant! 🌟
@Brian Nox - Geert. Thank you for this video. Yes, please do create more about avoidants. I love your humour and sarcasm haha! 😁😍😘. Best wishes, Anita.
Was wondering when you were gonna touch this subject 👍. Currently I'm enjoying your She Comes First book Geert, love it! ✨
Thank you so much ❤
Thank you brian, this video was helpful😊. u clearly described my situation in your 3rd scenario. I met an avoidant man I didn't know was avoidant at d time, he seemed interested me. 3-4 months in, I was unattached so his interest grew. 5-6 months later I became comfortable with him and felt d need to be close to him. He then started getting upset over little things like me forgetting to turn off the light switch in the bathroom🙄 & the AC. boom😮..he pulled away without saying a word, & me noticing his distance pulled way as well & have been in NC since then. Watching ur video gave me clarity & I only hope for the best. 🙏
Dismissive avoidant people can be just as kind, caring, and wonderful as anyone else and are no less deserving of being loved; that being said, until they've put the time and effort into themselves to become more securely attached, they are not yet capable of engaging in a healthy relationship so it's best to just not partake on either side. The hard part is that typically you don't see the signs right away so by the time you do, as he said, you've fallen for them and THEN that's when things get so much harder, so that's where it becomes crucial to love yourself more and remove yourself. It doesn't make either of you bad people and it's not wrong to acknowledge to yourself that no matter how wonderful someone is or how much you love them, they are not for you and that's ok
This is written for me❤
Or you’ve bought a house with them and they aren’t willing to move in! 😂😢
Thank you Brian for making an excellent video on this topic 👍I am divorcing an avoidant man who I was married to for 13 years. I've come to the realisation that he's not willing or motivated to put the work in to fixing himself and like you said, it's not my job to fix him 😅
I am now looking at potential future partners and I would absolutely love and appreciate if you could make a video about how to spot an avoidant and how to spot a securely attached man during the dating phase.
Avoidants often come across as securely attached until you get too emotionally close to them for their comfort. But that could take months and I don't want to waste my time or to find out that once I'm ready to get emotionally closer, they are ready to back away.
So I would love it if you could make a video to help us pick up on any red flags or subtle signs that indicate they are likely to be avoidant and conversely, that they are likely to be securely attached ❤
Yes, please do a video about avoidant men running back to toxic exes who are also avoidant.
Yes please. I had an avoidant come on strong. I started to reciprocate n I could see the fear in them build n they ran. They continue to be hot n cold. I pull away n continue to do my own thing. They come back in, we have moments, they clearly freak out n go hide again while they work through it.
Wonderful man, we’ve known each other 18 days. He told me right off when we met that he’s anxious/avoidant. So he knows, he’s working on it, divorced two months from his third wife. So I listen, give him space, I’m there for him NM/NY long distance romance
That’s ringing alarm bells, long distance is one of their go-tos for giving just enough of themselves. I truly hope this man is indeed serious about changing, but mine (nearly 4 years in) just seriously reverted as we got closer to making actual plans to move in together. Wants me to move to his vicinity, but won’t entertain moving in until the kids have grown up. 8 years from now.
I have finally given up on my avoidant after nearly 10 years. Its a huge relief.
O wow 10 years…I know a avoidant for 6 months
A video about avoidant women in relationships would be nice - it is important to understand that side, too: ).
The video was very informative. I had met a married avoidant man who fell for me. We went on for 2 yrs but when I realised that he was in love for me, he shut me off without any explanation. Never got to know the answer if he actually loved me.
Well maybe that’s for the best if he was already married…
💯Very helpful advice!
Yes, please make more avoidant attachment videos
Please help! What does one do when they are a recovering anxious attachment woman, and have fallen in love with an avoidant man--both love each other and want the relationship to work. What is the best way forward?
Thank you for your helpul and insightful videos! I appreciate you!
Please make more videos like this!
Def interested in this content..!
This is what I’m going through. I wish I figured out dismissive behavior a while ago
Yes. It was pure hell. Don't do it. It's not worth it. You will leave the relationship completely broken and in need of therapy (if you're a genuine and loving person.)
❤ this topic as I'm dating an avoidant now. 😢
thanks for sharing !
i am in a relationship with an avoidant since 4 years. your video was helpful to understand some things, but i am tired and think i will end this relationship
I fell hook line and sinker for an avoidant man and then awakened to the fact that I’m too an avoidant woman, hence falling so deeply. What a mess 🤣
No more avoidants for me... I only want secure men!
Epic content
He can make secure people feel insecure! So true about him!! But he doesn't see it, thinks all the insecurities comes from me when he's creating it, he was intimate with me had love for me then totally exited my life, told me to let him go cause he wanted to focus on himself and told me to do the same.. fucking hurts
I've been there. Though life. Run, sisters, run.
I told my guy that I loved him and yes that freaked him out. I said that I can't be in a relationship unless my heart is open . He said that love is not for him. So unfortunately I had to say goodbye. I hope he works out his avoidant attachment style. He lives in a prison. Very sad.
nailed it
1,000% truth after being with an avoidant on and off for 6 years. I wish I saw this video sooner. He drove me crazy and it was absolute hell. But I think I'm finally ok to not be with him. He moved away which helped. I'm technically an anxious attachment type but at the very least he came to realize a little bit how he is avoidant.
Please make more videos about avoidant men
Og yes please. More videoer❤❤❤
I think I'm with one now.....hard to say
Question: isnt this the same as passive aggressive? I.E., Instigating contact, then theres a rollercoaster of behavior to avoid that same contact?
Thank you. Well, he is avoidant…
Brilliant thank you! Been with one for 7 years now, I am mostly anxiously attached. While he doesn’t like it, he secretly enjoys the attention and care, his curiosity is aroused. Funny enough I do tell him he is a robot and even use the robot 🤖 emoticon in our chats.
It’s such hard work, the relationship, I feel like we both two scared infants trying to make it work.
He ran, he sent out signals, he ran, no contact. I'm tired of watching from the sidelines. Next!