i found the love of my life at age 55. we are both disabled- he lives in scotland and I am from new york city. we will be marrying in a few months and i am relocating to scotland. My mom was right. She said I would find him. He is a beautiful soul and we met at the right time- when we both had been through so much heartbreak and trauma through our lives that the gratitude we have to have found each other is there and real. Two years and stronger then ever and more gratitude every day ..we are healing each other.we had both given up and were not looking when we found each other. no kids.
This is beautiful but it's my biggest fear. That Im not going to meet the love of my life until much later in life. I hope I dont have to wait that long.
I could listen to Esther talk about anything. Great conversation. I love the game idea to gently get into charged intimate conversations. Learned a lot. And Matthew - thank you for talking about love above 40 y.o. I'm 52, single, never married and no kids and I like that my situation can be talked about with possibility and not like a disease. I own all that I have and all that I don't. I chose not to have kids. I think there are plusses and minuses to all intimate relationship scenarios. Like anything in life, if you tell yourself it's hopeless, you're right; and if you tell yourself there's unending possibilities, you're also right. Get out of your comfort zone and there is no end to the people you can meet, and yes, you will have to let go of the story you have about yourself and that takes effort. I appreciate the content both you and Esther are putting out there. It makes a difference. Love, A.
I love her, she makes so much sence, at nearly 67 years of age I thank her for her insight, your head create your world. I enjoy my life. She just enhances it.
I watched both parts tonight and was mind blow by all the valuable information! I'm currently navigating the 40+ group you addressed and it is exactly as you stated. Younger men want to date but nothing "serious" and my generation of men that are available ( literally and emotionally) that have the capacity for healthy relationships is lacking. I felt and heard every female's story of decades of being unheard/unseen that you expressed. I'm grateful for the insights shared on your podcast and remain hopeful that love is still possible for longterm intimate and committed partnership with a man. 💕 Thank you!
Matthew and Esther, you both are very deep thinking, compassionate and outspoken about the subject and I appreciate the wisdoms and insight you both have. You mentioned men not being able to listen to women, complaining about women, talking about how women are not greatful/want to much etc. I was blown away by the judgment of some of the men in my dating life. They were quick to say how I am different, not recognizing how they exposed themselves making themselves look incredibly weak and bitter. I am almost 60 and I am in the dating pool now, it might be partly age related
This is a lovely interview and conversation between you both, thank you very much for this, I gained a lot from this. Matthew I also appreciate you referring to older women looking for a romantic relationship.
I haven’t heard the full podcast. But , I will say , it’s never too late.. due life experiences we often tell ourselves stories and our mind believes them to be true. All you need to attract the right person in your life is to be ready , patient , positive, open and approachable. We have to remove desperation and negativity from our minds. Patience is the key here . I know it’s easier said than done. Life will start bringing people into your life. When that happens we need to be patient enough to figure if this person will be the right addition to our lives, be our personal cheerleader and can we create a future with them. That’s all, that comes from conversation and open communication. Unfortunately, as human beings we often get trapped in our cycle of thoughts and emotions and stay in our head. This stops us from recognising people when do they come into our lives….❤
This video came at a perfect time for me. Two weeks ago a man approached me on the subway and we exchanged numbers. We texted for a week and discovered we have a lot in common. I finally asked if he saw it progressing to an in person date and he told me that he doesn't have time to date. It makes absolutely no sense to me.
It is very interesting that he approached in the first place and that he chose to text for over a week, just to say he doesn't have time for dating. I see it in either one if these 2 scenarios (I could be wrong): 1. After having texted with you, he decided he's not interested in dating you, this could be for many, many reasons, but it could be because he doesn't find you attractive enough to meet in person (but then he would stop texting too) or because he met someone else, or something change in his life, like a huge work project, or he's moving to another city, etc. 2. He really likes you, but he's just extremely busy with work. I can totally relate to the fact of being super busy and not wanting to date anyone. I'm in that stage right now. I don't feel it would be "fair" for the girl I would date now, to start dating her, from how busy I am. However, if I would see a girl I really like, I might approach her and exchange numbers. However, if I would change my mind in the dating in person thing, I would 100% communicate the reason why. So coming back to the hypothetical scenario from the guy from before: In both scenarios, he should have properly communicated the reason behind deciding not to meet in person. If you want, you can choose to see it as a good thing, because it means you are now free to find a guy that knows how to communicate, a guy with emotional intelligence. There are quite few nowadays, but you can still find them if you look in the right places. Long story short, it's not your fault and you got this 💪🏻
He could be a married man. He could be single and likes the thought of having someone in his life. This isn't about you. It's about him. Keep going forward.
That’s how the men are these days. They have time for bumping uglies, but no capacity for emotional or intimate connection with a woman. They only respect other men. Their mentality is that they have nothing to gain from being in a monogamous relationship when they are able to explore the world of women and “pump and dump” their words!!!! Not my words!!!
I keep hearing neM say that they only have time for bumping uglies and that a monogamous relationship doesn’t bring them one single benefit. These are all neM 20 and UP! Their words not mine: “P U M P AND D U M P” So keep that in mind and don’t let them treat you like a throw away. DEMAND MORE
I always love meeting someone as a “complete surprise “ while not even looking. I am not a fan of today’s “I have to find someone. I have to hunt.”. The universe doesn’t work under force. Let it flow naturally… You just never know what will be put in your path. 😊❤ So much valuable elements covered here. I absolutely love Esther. She reminds me of sweet, darling Dr. Ruth from a long time ago. ❤
Literally every good accomplishment in life requires intentionality and work. Will you just trip and fall on top of your dream job walking to the grocery store? Nope. You have to apply. Will that novel you're working on get magically published if you do nothing? No, you have to mail it to publishers. Telling women that being intentional is bad, and to get a relationship you should not pursue a partnership, is silly. There's no 'universe that you can manifest'. There's just your actions, that you choose.
My most favorite people discussing love and relationships. I follow you both all the time and each time I learn something new. Thank you both for all the great work you do. Also the way you both articulate complex ideas and discuss them in a way that we, the audience, can still comprehend is inspiring. Big love!
To all the people commenting on how "gross" or "tragic" the idea of coparenting without a romantic partner is, I think you may be misunderstanding what she means. Raising children used to be more of a communal effort, and still is in many parts of the world. Children are raised by aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, and close friends who live in the same house or close by. I think this is what Esther is getting at. You don't have to resign yourself to being a single mom, you can ask the people in your life who you're already close to who you know would be/are good parents if they would want to coparent a child with you. For example, I grew up living near a family that was a "single" mom and her 2 kids, but the mom's brother/kids' uncle lived in a separate apartment attached to the house and was very much a "father figure" in the kids' lives. I don't consider that situation tragic or gross at all; those were happy, well-rounded kids. I think even more typical nuclear families could benefit from more communal support in parenting, parents these days are stressed as hell! The surgeon general actually just issued an advisory on the mental health of parents in the U.S.
I was raised in a big family, where siblings were parenting the other kids...very bad idea, my mother and father were just never present, and when my older sister got her own child I experienced it as a betrayal, because she was basically in the role of the mother till that point, and then she relocated her focus. The problem is, whoever the child is given to most of the time instead of the mother, the child will at some point hate that person, because it seems for the child, that that person (grandmother, neigbour, sister, doesn't matter who) is the cause for the absent mother. Even though children were raised in big families earlier, those children still complain about never having the chance to get enough from the real mother and have serious CPTSD issues when grown up.
I was wondering about that, did she mean finding another person to coparent with or a community of people. I also wonder whether that can happen organically or whether it's best to approach it preemptively and intentionally, especially if one is single and already on the path of trying to get pregnant with a donor
I believe she is talking about the divorce statistics when she mentions the 50%… if it’s hard to find married men properly involved in their kids lives… imagine when these men are divorced!
Also I wonder how many women heard that message and actually thought of it from the man's point of view. hmm? i.e. the baby is HIS from another woman , and she is Not the biological mother, but the co patient. i.e. the authority of the entire future biological parents of the human race does NOT get to be solely in the hands of one gender : females. Men want to be fathers too , but choose a different female coparent. Can you imagine the uproar. "how dare you suggest a man should get sole custody of the child, if it's not to the female advantage it's 'bad', 'wrong' , or 'not natural' " or anyother number of word-salad and shaming language manipulation which ultimately means: the female way only.
Turning 60 next week and a four year long distance relationship just ended a week ago. The logistics were next to impossible. We connected on so many levels. I’m not feeling super encouraged …I hope it’s not too late.
Mathew, this was so helpful. I love that you and her collide on these topics. It has answer so many questions And called me out, my husband out, my relationship out.. and in the most wonderful way. I know have understanding of so much more. I'll probably watch this a few times over. Thank you so very very much. You and Esther are just amazing. It is an honor to have you on my life ❤
I loved the interview... with the exception of the part about women who are in their 50s and 60s and are struggling with the fact that men our age only want really super young women her response was that we must be expecting our potential suitors to be our best friend, our confidant, our lover, our BFF girlfriend, our lover. Nope! One of us have incredibly well-rounded lives with jobs, plenty of friends, and plenty of hobbies and we've done the work on ourselves and our worldly enough to not expect that a man is going to serve as our everything. Theyre just plain not interested in anyone that isnt 17+ years younger. And I'm not interedted in dating anyone in their twenties nor am I interested in dating anybody in their 70s.
Yes jonathan aslay ..hes got it nailed fir the matire market ..but love Esters deep dive into connection and erotism and especially when she said before about how u feel love your experience past traumas etc is how u do sex @Jess-yn4nm
I dont agree, i am 51 and do not want anything to do with females that are more than 2 years younger than myself,the maturity level isnt there, but younger women like older men were just tired of being used as foody calls, the majority of men are checking out completely because we get ignored and ghosted online, mee too and false sexual harassment claims in the workplace have scared us off totally
Was cleaning and doing dishes. At some point stopped and found myself writing down all the questions she said we should ask ourselves. Quite a list. Will start with one and do the rest bit by bit.
Summary In this video, Esther Perel offers insightful advice on navigating love and relationships in the contemporary landscape. She discusses the multifaceted nature of romantic partnerships, emphasizing the importance of diverse connections and the challenges posed by modern dating practices, particularly through apps. Perel also addresses issues surrounding intimacy, communication about sexuality, and the pressure of societal expectations regarding desire and parenting. Key Points Navigating Modern Relationships 00:00 Perel emphasizes the diverse roles individuals seek in relationships today, including companionship, emotional support, and physical intimacy, which can create unrealistic expectations for a single partner. 01:51 She reflects on the tension between traditional and modern dating practices, suggesting that meeting people is becoming a calculated endeavor, often through dating apps which can feel impersonal and exhausting. 04:44 Perel articulates a more organic approach to dating, recalling a time before apps when meeting someone was more spontaneous and flowed naturally from shared experiences rather than being goal-oriented. Communication and Intimacy 08:00 She discusses how societal pressures can lead to anxiety in dating, particularly for those fearing they are running out of time to find a partner, specifically in the context of having children. 11:00 Perel suggests reframing the conversation around parenting, proposing that individuals might consider co-parenting relationships that don't necessarily begin with a romantic partnership. 15:57 Perel discusses the complexities of feeling unseen or invisible in relationships, especially for women, and how sharing love across various connections can alleviate some of this emotional burden. Addressing Sexuality and Desire 20:49 She explores the cultural narrative around sexuality, noting that discussions about sexual desires can often trigger fear and insecurity in partners, especially for men. 24:02 Perel emphasizes the importance of mutual respect and understanding in sexual dynamics and suggests that communication should aim at enhancing pleasure for both partners. 30:38 Practical strategies are offered for discussing intimacy, including playful and indirect approaches that foster a safe atmosphere for exploring desires and needs. Reshaping Relationship Expectations 38:14 Perel notes the historical shift in relationship dynamics, pointing to the need for individuals to embrace diverse forms of love to enrich their romantic experiences. 41:57 She advises individuals in couples to recognize and address discrepancies in desire, advocating for empathy and communication to bridge gaps in intimacy. 50:50 Finally, Perel advocates for a proactive approach to maintaining sexual connection, suggesting that couples should address issues like stress and emotional blocks that could dampen desire, recognizing that intimacy requires ongoing effort and creativity.
I found this video a day after the event, so I missed it 😢 However, the interview itself is a jewel. There is so much material there that I could watch it many times and I'm sure every time I'd find something else that clicks. Thank you Matthew, and thank you the smazing Esther.
What a profound conversation. And for me, at a really important / vulnerable time in my life. I sincerely thank you both for the exchange of such well thought out ideas
This woman is sooo right. The only natural way is to meet someone, not knowing where it will be going. This is why I completely boykott the „What are you looking for“ question on Apps
How do you know they aren't just looking for a hook up then? That is probably the only a Question I would look for. I don't want to waste my time with F boys.
Yeah the what are you looking for questions makes no sense. Dating apps are biased also and a hotspot for more mental health problems. There is a nice podcast about this
Well what she is missing and not talking about is that people are asking about intentionality when they ask that and not what about what the relationship between you and them will be right away. They are trying to avoid getting strung along.
I actually appreciate reading the answer to that question upfront, just as another comment here states, because it sets intentionally… If someone is up for “intimacy without commitment”, which doesn’t align with what I’m open to, it’s of high value knowing it in advance 😄
60y old?! I am 73 and year ago I found a love of my life!!! Great friend, companion, intimate partner. Me- divorced 20 years ago, 2 grown up children. He- never married, no children. Once in a while we say we should meet 20 years ago- but no bitter regrets- just making the best of each day we’re together. When one has a capacity for love- will find one. Doesn’t matter of age you are- start with acceptance of yourself, don’t ruminate on the past, don’t think about big plans- BUT keep looking.
Yes. These two working together feels like a dream!! People need this information and advice. I feel for all my friends who want relationships and cant find them. It breaks my heart.
Yeah, and it's also a legal quagmire......will you and this co-parent cohabitate? If not, how will the child split the time between households? How will you split child related costs? Will the coparent be allowed to introduce new partners to this child? If so, when? What happens if one parent moves, must they first get permission from the other parent? There are very good reasons to only have children in marriage; it provides a big safety net of laws that support the legal rights of the mother and child if the father decides to abandon their duties. Unless you contract ahead of time for a lot of these decisions, most 'coparent' arrangements will most likely devolve into 'single mother with no support' situations.
Thank you for sharing this great conversation with us 🙏 thank you Esther for all your amazingly sharp observations and insights, as always very multi-facetted and humble in regards to peoples different experiences. I have followed Esther for years but just recently started to follow your work Matthew and I am deeply impressed by your humility and depth of reflection (was listening to interview by Lisa Bileu). I love how you distinguish and really define the specific meaning of different words and concepts, and thereby create so much clarity and true aha-moments. For example about how we have to learn to differentiate how we feel about someone and how they make us feel (about ourselves). I also want to acknowledge how you complimented Esther on her work and specifically pointed out what you like with her course boundle in a way that came across as very genuine and thought through. It was a beautifully put compliment and a great way to acknowledge the contribution of her work. Thank you both so much 🌻🙏
These two are the creme of the creme. I for some reason thought they meet more often. Because these minds in synergy are like wow. And Matthew, I have folllowed you for a while to know when someone intellectually truly impresses you. Esther is one of those minds. I am in love with her logic and how unconventional she is and she doesn’t care, she challenges our thoughts.
Thank you so much for this!! I feel like you put in words my struggle. I’m not alone and I feel heard. I’m just 53 (feel 35) been married and 4 yrs out of an 8 yr relationship and just so frustrated,lonely and hopeless I will meet my person. ❤
She is SPOT ON. There is way too much focus on "romantic" relationships. I only became truly content when I stopped looking for what society tells me I need, and focused on a diverse life with diverse relationships.
I totally get that and agree with - but still it makes me wonder. I for example want to be accepted my people and in order for them to do so (so fully accept me), they need to really get to know me really well. It is hard (impossible?) For multiple people to get to know me that well because of time, lifestyles, perhaps interest etc. A partner seems to be the obvious option then, if not due to other factors then to the sheer fact that this is the person I spend most time with (which can significantly contribute to him getting to know me & consequently potentially accepting me to the "fullest").
@pikapoka17 I'm not sure that one person can claim to fully know you. I think we hide things from our partners out of fear of rejection. For example, I don't worry about sharing certain things with my platonic friends that I wouldn't necessarily share with a partner. It puts too much pressure on a relationship to expect one person to completely know you. I don't think it's healthy.
Matthew and Esther, THANK YOU. Both of you are making a positive impact in my life and the world!!! You are shinning lights. Apathy and hopelessness are the easiest things in the world and your message is so important. We love you!!
Please keep doing what you're doing; You guys are phenomenal and have quite interesting perspectives, most of which i agree with and the others were a great learing experience for me. Thank you both.😇⚽-From Dahshon
I get totally what she is saying about conversation with your partner. And having a soul mate, I feel I can love more than one man. I don’t think there is just one person for each. Some people are more suited together, but love can be shared in many directions.
Intentionally having a child with just a co-parent who isn't in the same home seems like a bad situation for the kid right from the start. ATTACHMENT ISSUES! I'm divorced and having my kids move back and forth every week is not ideal for them. Torturous at times...they don't get to grow up with one home, one bedroom, etc. Please don't do this to kids unless it is the only healthy option. By healthy, I mean leaving bad, toxic and/or abusive relationships.
I couldn’t agree more! It was utter misery for everyone involved. And everyone was more or less cooperative it the kids ended up hating both their parents at one point or another. Especially, as new adults were introduced in and out of their lives. Both have serious issues with addiction and struggle to make anything of their lives. And they both flocked to the transgender scene to find some kind of connection or attention they felt was missing. They’re lost and there’s little you can say that they’ll listen too.
Hey Matthew really enjoy your content for a while, also bought your book thanks for putting in the Work. I dont know if you gonna read this but it would really help if you also do more Content for your Male Audience I think some of us like the Calm and Understanding Vibe you give of so maybe guys who want to implement this more in their life could benefit from that. Wish you all the best, thanks for helping me since I found your Content this year.
I like that she’s suggesting finding a co-parent. That was my idea too. This said, my son’s father ended up being more of a known donor than anything as he’s chosen to be minimally involved in our son’s life so far 🤷♀️
I don't. There are very good reasons to only have children in marriage; it provides a big safety net of laws that support the legal rights of the mother and child if the father decides to abandon their duties. Unless you contract ahead of time for a lot of these decisions, most 'coparent' arrangements will most likely devolve into 'single mother with no support' situations.
It’s overwhelming to think I have to build family relationships and friendships and self love in order to find a love companion. I just want a love companion to live life with. 52 and I have to do all that. It’s like I want to say just forget it. I’ll be alone forever. I’m already living in survival mode and exhausted by life and to compile building all these other lovely relationships is not what I want. I want a husband and best friend. A companion and travel partner. I want my ride or die my person! I want deep love.
These are wonderful conversations we could have with a person we’re dating but only when men have also done the work to be self aware, have the ability to be honest and vulnerable but often (in my experience), they are not. And I’m just not qualified to be their therapist and help them do that self-work.
Interviewers need to learn to ask one question at a time and not just ramble on and on and on and ask question after question after question and not let the guest answer. For God's sake, learn how to do an interview.
A lot of points are valid here but I think one should be cautious to go having a baby after a non-parent agrees to co-parent. Do not be surprised when people say they’ll help out but get busy with the realities of their own lives and cannot be there for you. It is the responsibility of the parents to do for the child and anyone else involved is a perk. In my opinion, two people should not make a baby and then request for others to be on the hook: financially, emotionally, and/or being present. 🤷🏻♀️
55:30 That's such a great perspective. I've never thought about it like that, but upon reflection it gives a lot of clarity why some sex has been good or bad.
Perfect Relationships = 2 People setting each other up to fail. The only "perfect relationships" are those that have been _perfect-ed,_ through time, care and effort.
I don't know if her approach helps woman in their thirties and forties. No one in their right mind is going to co parent with someone who they are not married to. I think the approach should be accepting and loving yourself instead of focusing on you might miss or missed the boat.
@HumanityRisingNow Doesn't make it the norm or right. I come from a broken family. I rather give my kid a complete family or not have a kid at all. It's the most selfish thing anyone can do honestly. If you want to have a kid that bad, there so many kids waiting to be adopted, to be loved, to be cared for.
OK the 2nd half of the video and her talk is so informative! I really understand what she was talking about with the ebbs and flow of passion, and the different fixes depending on where your relationship is.
To the point from the very beginning and I would conclude it by wording "being on the mission" with all of the consequences named. That said it all. To be honest, I am a sucessfull attractive woman, live alone with my daughter and for past several years it has been slightly unclear for me what I would benefit from have I had a man in my life. What he could possibly give me what I don't already have? I am not pointing on material things but also on the way I spend my free time, how I enrich myself intelectually, my freedom. Of course, then there is ovulation time every month and there I see how I could benefit from having a man:) But that would be all, I think, not sure...But overall I am simply content being by myself (despite of being in the relationships most of my life).
In my last relationship sex was a big factor why we ended things. I am very open to talk about it, but he would say he couldn't share what turned him on because it was private. I realized that after moving in together (which is when the sex dropped down drastically). I gave it time and was very careful on how to bring up the subject, but his excuses were that he had a lot of stress at work, and wouldn't do anything about it, after a few months it was just too painful to bear, I constantly felt rejected, and felt as if there was something wrong with me, I never experienced that before. To this day I really think he just never spent time getting to know himself.
Or you wasnt sexy enough. Sometimes as a man you have a problem with one woman but not with the rest of women. If it happens for all then thats a different story
it was great....I have a question - as an elderly woman seeking friendship, love etc....what I didn't understand is her reference of not being connected at start and have others 'fulfill' conversational needs...what and/or how do we connect to someone if we have nothing in common....what is the 'spark' that is needed if not fulfilled with conversation on first few months of dating...what holds it together? and at what point do we say to ourselves I'll get this fulfilled from friends or others. I get it that one person cannot fulfill the entirety but what is the key at first to starting and continuing on the relationship? especially as we age...while sex is important, friendship communication seems to be more key.
So what is the baseline for a relationship? If we can get our needs met elsewhere, what should then a relationship provide? I am really struggling to find this answer after this video... I thought I already knew but now I feel completely confused. Also I am feeling as if I am and want too much now ... As if I am not realistic in my desires to be seen, heard by my partner.
Most men have given up and don't even try to date anymore.... I'm six two, fit, good friends loving family, bought a house at 26, gave up trying to date at 30. I just can't meet todai standards, I'm not a millionaire , I'm not a pro athlete . I'm just a normal guy trying to be the best man I can , that's just not good enough.
@@digvijaypurty8160that is a stereotypical belief and answer that you have. Not all older women have emotional baggage because they have dealt with it. Maybe it's better for them that you don't choose an older woman.
I love Ester Perel but the thing is we want to find a love partner with whom we’ll have a family and who will be the father of our children. I mean that IS the desire, that is what we want. You don’t think we have thought about other options like co parenting with a friend? That’s not the dream, that’s not the real desire. And don’t forget that Matthew and Ester are two people who have partners talking about this. I’m sorry but, no. I think there was a lack of validation and empathy about what the desire actually is.
Colectively many more could have more or less that experience if weman would stop their hypergamy and if man stopped with their poligamy tendencies. The attitude of the whole determaind faith of the individuals. You would bring society much closer if you started convinsing woman that man on their level are worthy of it and what is their level as would if man started telling each other that fucking as many woman as possible is not really the goal but we are far from having this talk with the individuals of the same sex
@@PinPinKula I’m not sure I get your point. I was actually referring to the example that Esther gives, about considering to co parent with someone who’s not your romantic partner. Choosing someone, let’s say a friend, to co parent with, is no easy task either, and it’s missing the point that the real desire is to find a romantic partner with whom to have a family.
“The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person.”… mind blowing!
❤
Exactly
If the person is RIGHT, there is no wrong time, he-she will make it work!
@@jelenazoric9300 I think it really depends case by case.
So true
i found the love of my life at age 55. we are both disabled- he lives in scotland and I am from new york city. we will be marrying in a few months and i am relocating to scotland. My mom was right. She said I would find him. He is a beautiful soul and we met at the right time- when we both had been through so much heartbreak and trauma through our lives that the gratitude we have to have found each other is there and real. Two years and stronger then ever and more gratitude every day ..we are healing each other.we had both given up and were not looking when we found each other. no kids.
This is beautiful but it's my biggest fear. That Im not going to meet the love of my life until much later in life. I hope I dont have to wait that long.
Good on you 👏
Its never too late... Just have faith @@thecommonsensecapricorn
Many congratulations I wish you a lifetime of happiness and beyond you deserve love and happiness
Very best of luck xxxxxx
Both of them are my favorite people to hear about relationships from, and I have so much respect for the work they share, it is incredible.
Wow, thank you ❤
I could listen to Esther talk about anything. Great conversation. I love the game idea to gently get into charged intimate conversations. Learned a lot. And Matthew - thank you for talking about love above 40 y.o. I'm 52, single, never married and no kids and I like that my situation can be talked about with possibility and not like a disease. I own all that I have and all that I don't. I chose not to have kids. I think there are plusses and minuses to all intimate relationship scenarios. Like anything in life, if you tell yourself it's hopeless, you're right; and if you tell yourself there's unending possibilities, you're also right. Get out of your comfort zone and there is no end to the people you can meet, and yes, you will have to let go of the story you have about yourself and that takes effort. I appreciate the content both you and Esther are putting out there. It makes a difference. Love, A.
Thank you so much Amy. I’m so happy you enjoyed this
Thanks for sharing your insights and guidance! I got something out of it
I love her, she makes so much sence, at nearly 67 years of age I thank her for her insight, your head create your world. I enjoy my life. She just enhances it.
“Soulmate has always been God, not a partner.” Needed this reminder. 🙏🏻
I watched both parts tonight and was mind blow by all the valuable information! I'm currently navigating the 40+ group you addressed and it is exactly as you stated. Younger men want to date but nothing "serious" and my generation of men that are available ( literally and emotionally) that have the capacity for healthy relationships is lacking. I felt and heard every female's story of decades of being unheard/unseen that you expressed. I'm grateful for the insights shared on your podcast and remain hopeful that love is still possible for longterm intimate and committed partnership with a man. 💕 Thank you!
Matthew and Esther, you both are very deep thinking, compassionate and outspoken about the subject and I appreciate the wisdoms and insight you both have. You mentioned men not being able to listen to women, complaining about women, talking about how women are not greatful/want to much etc. I was blown away by the judgment of some of the men in my dating life. They were quick to say how I am different, not recognizing how they exposed themselves making themselves look incredibly weak and bitter.
I am almost 60 and I am in the dating pool now, it might be partly age related
This is a lovely interview and conversation between you both, thank you very much for this, I gained a lot from this. Matthew I also appreciate you referring to older women looking for a romantic relationship.
I haven’t heard the full podcast. But , I will say , it’s never too late.. due life experiences we often tell ourselves stories and our mind believes them to be true. All you need to attract the right person in your life is to be ready , patient , positive, open and approachable. We have to remove desperation and negativity from our minds. Patience is the key here .
I know it’s easier said than done. Life will start bringing people into your life. When that happens we need to be patient enough to figure if this person will be the right addition to our lives, be our personal cheerleader and can we create a future with them. That’s all, that comes from conversation and open communication. Unfortunately, as human beings we often get trapped in our cycle of thoughts and emotions and stay in our head. This stops us from recognising people when do they come into our lives….❤
This video came at a perfect time for me. Two weeks ago a man approached me on the subway and we exchanged numbers. We texted for a week and discovered we have a lot in common. I finally asked if he saw it progressing to an in person date and he told me that he doesn't have time to date. It makes absolutely no sense to me.
It is very interesting that he approached in the first place and that he chose to text for over a week, just to say he doesn't have time for dating.
I see it in either one if these 2 scenarios (I could be wrong):
1. After having texted with you, he decided he's not interested in dating you, this could be for many, many reasons, but it could be because he doesn't find you attractive enough to meet in person (but then he would stop texting too) or because he met someone else, or something change in his life, like a huge work project, or he's moving to another city, etc.
2. He really likes you, but he's just extremely busy with work.
I can totally relate to the fact of being super busy and not wanting to date anyone. I'm in that stage right now. I don't feel it would be "fair" for the girl I would date now, to start dating her, from how busy I am. However, if I would see a girl I really like, I might approach her and exchange numbers. However, if I would change my mind in the dating in person thing, I would 100% communicate the reason why.
So coming back to the hypothetical scenario from the guy from before:
In both scenarios, he should have properly communicated the reason behind deciding not to meet in person. If you want, you can choose to see it as a good thing, because it means you are now free to find a guy that knows how to communicate, a guy with emotional intelligence.
There are quite few nowadays, but you can still find them if you look in the right places.
Long story short, it's not your fault and you got this 💪🏻
He could be a married man. He could be single and likes the thought of having someone in his life. This isn't about you. It's about him. Keep going forward.
That’s how the men are these days. They have time for bumping uglies, but no capacity for emotional or intimate connection with a woman. They only respect other men. Their mentality is that they have nothing to gain from being in a monogamous relationship when they are able to explore the world of women and “pump and dump” their words!!!! Not my words!!!
I keep hearing neM say that they only have time for bumping uglies and that a monogamous relationship doesn’t bring them one single benefit. These are all neM 20 and UP! Their words not mine: “P U M P AND D U M P”
So keep that in mind and don’t let them treat you like a throw away. DEMAND MORE
He's married. I'd bet money.
I always love meeting someone as a “complete surprise “ while not even looking. I am not a fan of today’s “I have to find someone. I have to hunt.”.
The universe doesn’t work under force.
Let it flow naturally…
You just never know what will be put in your path. 😊❤
So much valuable elements covered here.
I absolutely love Esther. She reminds me of sweet, darling Dr. Ruth from a long time ago. ❤
Agreed with you just never know what will be put in you path.
Thats how incels live lol and see where it got them.
Literally every good accomplishment in life requires intentionality and work. Will you just trip and fall on top of your dream job walking to the grocery store? Nope. You have to apply. Will that novel you're working on get magically published if you do nothing? No, you have to mail it to publishers. Telling women that being intentional is bad, and to get a relationship you should not pursue a partnership, is silly. There's no 'universe that you can manifest'. There's just your actions, that you choose.
My most favorite people discussing love and relationships. I follow you both all the time and each time I learn something new. Thank you both for all the great work you do. Also the way you both articulate complex ideas and discuss them in a way that we, the audience, can still comprehend is inspiring. Big love!
Thank you!
To all the people commenting on how "gross" or "tragic" the idea of coparenting without a romantic partner is, I think you may be misunderstanding what she means. Raising children used to be more of a communal effort, and still is in many parts of the world. Children are raised by aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, and close friends who live in the same house or close by. I think this is what Esther is getting at. You don't have to resign yourself to being a single mom, you can ask the people in your life who you're already close to who you know would be/are good parents if they would want to coparent a child with you. For example, I grew up living near a family that was a "single" mom and her 2 kids, but the mom's brother/kids' uncle lived in a separate apartment attached to the house and was very much a "father figure" in the kids' lives. I don't consider that situation tragic or gross at all; those were happy, well-rounded kids. I think even more typical nuclear families could benefit from more communal support in parenting, parents these days are stressed as hell! The surgeon general actually just issued an advisory on the mental health of parents in the U.S.
I was raised in a big family, where siblings were parenting the other kids...very bad idea, my mother and father were just never present, and when my older sister got her own child I experienced it as a betrayal, because she was basically in the role of the mother till that point, and then she relocated her focus. The problem is, whoever the child is given to most of the time instead of the mother, the child will at some point hate that person, because it seems for the child, that that person (grandmother, neigbour, sister, doesn't matter who) is the cause for the absent mother. Even though children were raised in big families earlier, those children still complain about never having the chance to get enough from the real mother and have serious CPTSD issues when grown up.
I was wondering about that, did she mean finding another person to coparent with or a community of people. I also wonder whether that can happen organically or whether it's best to approach it preemptively and intentionally, especially if one is single and already on the path of trying to get pregnant with a donor
I believe she is talking about the divorce statistics when she mentions the 50%… if it’s hard to find married men properly involved in their kids lives… imagine when these men are divorced!
Also I wonder how many women heard that message and actually thought of it from the man's point of view. hmm?
i.e. the baby is HIS from another woman , and she is Not the biological mother, but the co patient.
i.e. the authority of the entire future biological parents of the human race does NOT get to be solely in the hands of one gender : females.
Men want to be fathers too , but choose a different female coparent.
Can you imagine the uproar. "how dare you suggest a man should get sole custody of the child, if it's not to the female advantage it's 'bad', 'wrong' , or 'not natural' " or anyother number of word-salad and shaming language manipulation which ultimately means: the female way only.
Damnnn Esther is such a brilliant woman, thank you for existing! Thank you both for this great interview!
You’re welcome!
this is such a beautiful, deep, and insightful conversation! Thank you both for diving in to these important questions. So grateful.
Turning 60 next week and a four year long distance relationship just ended a week ago. The logistics were next to impossible. We connected on so many levels. I’m not feeling super encouraged …I hope it’s not too late.
It's never too late to have fun. Sending you some extra flirtatious energy and courage. You've got this.💞
@@jojotonnaer1526 Thanks for the vote of confidence. Cheers.
Mathew, this was so helpful. I love that you and her collide on these topics. It has answer so many questions And called me out, my husband out, my relationship out.. and in the most wonderful way. I know have understanding of so much more. I'll probably watch this a few times over. Thank you so very very much. You and Esther are just amazing. It is an honor to have you on my life ❤
I loved the interview... with the exception of the part about women who are in their 50s and 60s and are struggling with the fact that men our age only want really super young women her response was that we must be expecting our potential suitors to be our best friend, our confidant, our lover, our BFF girlfriend, our lover. Nope! One of us have incredibly well-rounded lives with jobs, plenty of friends, and plenty of hobbies and we've done the work on ourselves and our worldly enough to not expect that a man is going to serve as our everything. Theyre just plain not interested in anyone that isnt 17+ years younger. And I'm not interedted in dating anyone in their twenties nor am I interested in dating anybody in their 70s.
Thanks Jess! I'll look him up and give a listen. 😃
Yes jonathan aslay ..hes got it nailed fir the matire market ..but love Esters deep dive into connection and erotism and especially when she said before about how u feel love your experience past traumas etc is how u do sex
@Jess-yn4nm
I dont agree, i am 51 and do not want anything to do with females that are more than 2 years younger than myself,the maturity level isnt there, but younger women like older men were just tired of being used as foody calls, the majority of men are checking out completely because we get ignored and ghosted online, mee too and false sexual harassment claims in the workplace have scared us off totally
for everyone scrolling and listening to the video, go read forbidden manifestation by zara blackthorn. then come back to thank me
that book turned everything around for me
I finished that book 2 weeks ago and I can say that is amazing book. Would also recommend it.
I think this is the most sane conversation about romantic relationships I have ever heard, thank you! :D
Minutes 8-10 Esther nailed it. Timeless wisdom
Was cleaning and doing dishes. At some point stopped and found myself writing down all the questions she said we should ask ourselves. Quite a list. Will start with one and do the rest bit by bit.
Summary
In this video, Esther Perel offers insightful advice on navigating love and relationships in the contemporary landscape. She discusses the multifaceted nature of romantic partnerships, emphasizing the importance of diverse connections and the challenges posed by modern dating practices, particularly through apps. Perel also addresses issues surrounding intimacy, communication about sexuality, and the pressure of societal expectations regarding desire and parenting.
Key Points
Navigating Modern Relationships
00:00 Perel emphasizes the diverse roles individuals seek in relationships today, including companionship, emotional support, and physical intimacy, which can create unrealistic expectations for a single partner.
01:51 She reflects on the tension between traditional and modern dating practices, suggesting that meeting people is becoming a calculated endeavor, often through dating apps which can feel impersonal and exhausting.
04:44 Perel articulates a more organic approach to dating, recalling a time before apps when meeting someone was more spontaneous and flowed naturally from shared experiences rather than being goal-oriented.
Communication and Intimacy
08:00 She discusses how societal pressures can lead to anxiety in dating, particularly for those fearing they are running out of time to find a partner, specifically in the context of having children.
11:00 Perel suggests reframing the conversation around parenting, proposing that individuals might consider co-parenting relationships that don't necessarily begin with a romantic partnership.
15:57 Perel discusses the complexities of feeling unseen or invisible in relationships, especially for women, and how sharing love across various connections can alleviate some of this emotional burden.
Addressing Sexuality and Desire
20:49 She explores the cultural narrative around sexuality, noting that discussions about sexual desires can often trigger fear and insecurity in partners, especially for men.
24:02 Perel emphasizes the importance of mutual respect and understanding in sexual dynamics and suggests that communication should aim at enhancing pleasure for both partners.
30:38 Practical strategies are offered for discussing intimacy, including playful and indirect approaches that foster a safe atmosphere for exploring desires and needs.
Reshaping Relationship Expectations
38:14 Perel notes the historical shift in relationship dynamics, pointing to the need for individuals to embrace diverse forms of love to enrich their romantic experiences.
41:57 She advises individuals in couples to recognize and address discrepancies in desire, advocating for empathy and communication to bridge gaps in intimacy.
50:50 Finally, Perel advocates for a proactive approach to maintaining sexual connection, suggesting that couples should address issues like stress and emotional blocks that could dampen desire, recognizing that intimacy requires ongoing effort and creativity.
I like her view, is realistic yet still hopeful.
Glad you found it helpful!
I just love hearing Esther Perel speak. This was a brilliant and inspiring convo - THANK YOU both
I found this video a day after the event, so I missed it 😢
However, the interview itself is a jewel. There is so much material there that I could watch it many times and I'm sure every time I'd find something else that clicks. Thank you Matthew, and thank you the smazing Esther.
What a profound conversation. And for me, at a really important / vulnerable time in my life. I sincerely thank you both for the exchange of such well thought out ideas
Thank you so much Jenny
I love Esther Perel! ❤ She is extremely knowledgeable and good to listen to as well. Thanks for this video!🙋♂️👌
This woman is sooo right. The only natural way is to meet someone, not knowing where it will be going. This is why I completely boykott the „What are you looking for“ question on Apps
How do you know they aren't just looking for a hook up then?
That is probably the only a
Question I would look for.
I don't want to waste my time with F boys.
This woman... 😂😂😂. Esther is the world's expert on relationship and sex. She's huge .... And yeah, she's very wise.
Yeah the what are you looking for questions makes no sense. Dating apps are biased also and a hotspot for more mental health problems. There is a nice podcast about this
Well what she is missing and not talking about is that people are asking about intentionality when they ask that and not what about what the relationship between you and them will be right away. They are trying to avoid getting strung along.
I actually appreciate reading the answer to that question upfront, just as another comment here states, because it sets intentionally… If someone is up for “intimacy without commitment”, which doesn’t align with what I’m open to, it’s of high value knowing it in advance 😄
Lovely you too together! I really liked how you conducted the interview ❤️
Esther is the best. I could listen to her forever. 😍
60y old?! I am 73 and year ago I found a love of my life!!! Great friend, companion, intimate partner. Me- divorced 20 years ago, 2 grown up children. He- never married, no children. Once in a while we say we should meet 20 years ago- but no bitter regrets- just making the best of each day we’re together. When one has a capacity for love- will find one. Doesn’t matter of age you are- start with acceptance of yourself, don’t ruminate on the past, don’t think about big plans- BUT keep looking.
Esther is amazing. She tells it like it is. Thankyou.
Yes. These two working together feels like a dream!! People need this information and advice. I feel for all my friends who want relationships and cant find them. It breaks my heart.
Not everyone wants to just have a baby with anyone and then find another partner later to coparent with. Found this talk odd.
Agreed 100%!! It's weird that based on the comments how many people love this advice. It would be a nightmare for me though 🙈
Yeah, and it's also a legal quagmire......will you and this co-parent cohabitate? If not, how will the child split the time between households? How will you split child related costs? Will the coparent be allowed to introduce new partners to this child? If so, when? What happens if one parent moves, must they first get permission from the other parent? There are very good reasons to only have children in marriage; it provides a big safety net of laws that support the legal rights of the mother and child if the father decides to abandon their duties. Unless you contract ahead of time for a lot of these decisions, most 'coparent' arrangements will most likely devolve into 'single mother with no support' situations.
Coparenting is an option if parents need to separate but not by choice!...I d hate to be the kid..I'd want BOTH PARENTS at home
Thank you for sharing this great conversation with us 🙏 thank you Esther for all your amazingly sharp observations and insights, as always very multi-facetted and humble in regards to peoples different experiences.
I have followed Esther for years but just recently started to follow your work Matthew and I am deeply impressed by your humility and depth of reflection (was listening to interview by Lisa Bileu). I love how you distinguish and really define the specific meaning of different words and concepts, and thereby create so much clarity and true aha-moments. For example about how we have to learn to differentiate how we feel about someone and how they make us feel (about ourselves).
I also want to acknowledge how you complimented Esther on her work and specifically pointed out what you like with her course boundle in a way that came across as very genuine and thought through. It was a beautifully put compliment and a great way to acknowledge the contribution of her work. Thank you both so much 🌻🙏
These two are the creme of the creme. I for some reason thought they meet more often. Because these minds in synergy are like wow.
And Matthew, I have folllowed you for a while to know when someone intellectually truly impresses you.
Esther is one of those minds. I am in love with her logic and how unconventional she is and she doesn’t care, she challenges our thoughts.
While the journey to find love may come with challenges, the rewards often make it a deeply fulfilling and essential part of the human experience.
This woman doesn’t have a clue does she .
Thank you so much for this!! I feel like you put in words my struggle. I’m not alone and I feel heard. I’m just 53 (feel 35) been married and 4 yrs out of an 8 yr relationship and just so frustrated,lonely and hopeless I will meet my person. ❤
She is SPOT ON. There is way too much focus on "romantic" relationships. I only became truly content when I stopped looking for what society tells me I need, and focused on a diverse life with diverse relationships.
I totally get that and agree with - but still it makes me wonder. I for example want to be accepted my people and in order for them to do so (so fully accept me), they need to really get to know me really well. It is hard (impossible?) For multiple people to get to know me that well because of time, lifestyles, perhaps interest etc. A partner seems to be the obvious option then, if not due to other factors then to the sheer fact that this is the person I spend most time with (which can significantly contribute to him getting to know me & consequently potentially accepting me to the "fullest").
@pikapoka17 I'm not sure that one person can claim to fully know you. I think we hide things from our partners out of fear of rejection. For example, I don't worry about sharing certain things with my platonic friends that I wouldn't necessarily share with a partner. It puts too much pressure on a relationship to expect one person to completely know you. I don't think it's healthy.
Excellent content. And Mathew. You let her talk. Perfect interview.
Super relevant in so many ways. Thank you both for covering so much for men and women of all ages in one hour!
I’m not looking for someone to fill everything for me but I don’t have anybody filling any of those spots. Truly so alone starting over.
A master class from Esther Perel ❤
Matthew and Esther, THANK YOU. Both of you are making a positive impact in my life and the world!!! You are shinning lights. Apathy and hopelessness are the easiest things in the world and your message is so important. We love you!!
❤🙏
Amazing conversation thank you so much. Where can you get the 50 questions card you talk about from ?
Please keep doing what you're doing; You guys are phenomenal and have quite interesting perspectives, most of which i agree with and the others were a great learing experience for me. Thank you both.😇⚽-From Dahshon
Excellent Podcast!!! Great b guest! Host: great questions posed...allowing guest to speak...thank you both, and to your teams!!❤
I get totally what she is saying about conversation with your partner. And having a soul mate, I feel I can love more than one man. I don’t think there is just one person for each. Some people are more suited together, but love can be shared in many directions.
WOW. I'm getting so much value out of these podcasts! Thank you both so much!
Our pleasure!
Very insightful. One of the best podcasts I have seen with the guests in your channel.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Intentionally having a child with just a co-parent who isn't in the same home seems like a bad situation for the kid right from the start. ATTACHMENT ISSUES! I'm divorced and having my kids move back and forth every week is not ideal for them. Torturous at times...they don't get to grow up with one home, one bedroom, etc. Please don't do this to kids unless it is the only healthy option. By healthy, I mean leaving bad, toxic and/or abusive relationships.
I agree im in the same boat i do 2 week custody switch in my case
I couldn’t agree more! It was utter misery for everyone involved. And everyone was more or less cooperative it the kids ended up hating both their parents at one point or another. Especially, as new adults were introduced in and out of their lives. Both have serious issues with addiction and struggle to make anything of their lives. And they both flocked to the transgender scene to find some kind of connection or attention they felt was missing. They’re lost and there’s little you can say that they’ll listen too.
@@damienbates I'm so sorry.
Hey Matthew really enjoy your content for a while, also bought your book thanks for putting in the Work. I dont know if you gonna read this but it would really help if you also do more Content for your Male Audience I think some of us like the Calm and Understanding Vibe you give of so maybe guys who want to implement this more in their life could benefit from that. Wish you all the best, thanks for helping me since I found your Content this year.
Gosh! Just came across a video with my two favorite inspirational people about relationships! ❤🎉
WOW, thanks, saving and sharing - ordered your book!
Wonderful interview, well done! Now, we need this weekly 😄 (specifically with Esther)
Once again - thanks for more terrific, all inclusive wisdom from EP and you.
Such an incredible segment . Wow!
Hello Matthew, my name is Gaurangi i am from India. You are truly gifted person. May God bless you.
Really enjoyed this episode…I love how the conversation opens up dialogue with another and ourselves… 💛
I like that she’s suggesting finding a co-parent. That was my idea too. This said, my son’s father ended up being more of a known donor than anything as he’s chosen to be minimally involved in our son’s life so far 🤷♀️
I don't. There are very good reasons to only have children in marriage; it provides a big safety net of laws that support the legal rights of the mother and child if the father decides to abandon their duties. Unless you contract ahead of time for a lot of these decisions, most 'coparent' arrangements will most likely devolve into 'single mother with no support' situations.
Esther is brilliant ❤️
I enjoyed the video ❤️
It’s overwhelming to think I have to build family relationships and friendships and self love in order to find a love companion. I just want a love companion to live life with. 52 and I have to do all that. It’s like I want to say just forget it. I’ll be alone forever. I’m already living in survival mode and exhausted by life and to compile building all these other lovely relationships is not what I want. I want a husband and best friend. A companion and travel partner. I want my ride or die my person! I want deep love.
Truly grsteful to come across this podcast today. Thank you both for the work you do and this awesome interview! ❤❤❤
Esther is looking beautiful ☺️ Love her hairstyle ☺️
A fabulous and insightful conversation.
If all couples have conversations like that there will be great harmony
It would be great if you can stay on the subject of finding love, especially for older adults.
I often need to pause this conversation because i need to thi k about the things they are saying, they both are so concentrated.
These are wonderful conversations we could have with a person we’re dating but only when men have also done the work to be self aware, have the ability to be honest and vulnerable but often (in my experience), they are not. And I’m just not qualified to be their therapist and help them do that self-work.
Interviewers need to learn to ask one question at a time and not just ramble on and on and on and ask question after question after question and not let the guest answer. For God's sake, learn how to do an interview.
A lot of points are valid here but I think one should be cautious to go having a baby after a non-parent agrees to co-parent. Do not be surprised when people say they’ll help out but get busy with the realities of their own lives and cannot be there for you. It is the responsibility of the parents to do for the child and anyone else involved is a perk. In my opinion, two people should not make a baby and then request for others to be on the hook: financially, emotionally, and/or being present. 🤷🏻♀️
Really good information. She is an awesome resource.
55:30 That's such a great perspective. I've never thought about it like that, but upon reflection it gives a lot of clarity why some sex has been good or bad.
For most people the root problem is economic. Solve that, solve a lot of other things
Amazing beautiful interview. Thanks to both of you. Thoroughly enjoyed.
Perfect Relationships = 2 People setting each other up to fail. The only "perfect relationships" are those that have been _perfect-ed,_ through time, care and effort.
Love this 👏🏼
I don't know if her approach helps woman in their thirties and forties. No one in their right mind is going to co parent with someone who they are not married to. I think the approach should be accepting and loving yourself instead of focusing on you might miss or missed the boat.
Yes, that's very strange advice.
Agree
No need to be married but I get what you’re saying
That’s your viewpoint. FYI, there are entire websites dedicated to finding co-parents.
@HumanityRisingNow Doesn't make it the norm or right. I come from a broken family. I rather give my kid a complete family or not have a kid at all. It's the most selfish thing anyone can do honestly. If you want to have a kid that bad, there so many kids waiting to be adopted, to be loved, to be cared for.
Esther Perel es lo máximo!!! una de las mujeres más sabias de esta época!
OK the 2nd half of the video and her talk is so informative! I really understand what she was talking about with the ebbs and flow of passion, and the different fixes depending on where your relationship is.
Beautiful,conversation with lots of wise advice offered! Thank you 🙏
For me my husband is the only one that knows me deeply. He is the witness to my life and my story. That is what love is to me. ❤️
To the point from the very beginning and I would conclude it by wording "being on the mission" with all of the consequences named. That said it all. To be honest, I am a sucessfull attractive woman, live alone with my daughter and for past several years it has been slightly unclear for me what I would benefit from have I had a man in my life. What he could possibly give me what I don't already have? I am not pointing on material things but also on the way I spend my free time, how I enrich myself intelectually, my freedom. Of course, then there is ovulation time every month and there I see how I could benefit from having a man:) But that would be all, I think, not sure...But overall I am simply content being by myself (despite of being in the relationships most of my life).
She is the Jacques Pepin of relationships
I am awesome, and I know my person is out in the world right now. I just haven't met him yet.
In my last relationship sex was a big factor why we ended things. I am very open to talk about it, but he would say he couldn't share what turned him on because it was private. I realized that after moving in together (which is when the sex dropped down drastically). I gave it time and was very careful on how to bring up the subject, but his excuses were that he had a lot of stress at work, and wouldn't do anything about it, after a few months it was just too painful to bear, I constantly felt rejected, and felt as if there was something wrong with me, I never experienced that before. To this day I really think he just never spent time getting to know himself.
Or you wasnt sexy enough. Sometimes as a man you have a problem with one woman but not with the rest of women. If it happens for all then thats a different story
@@misterrr7Then why didn't he end the relationship if he had a problem with her and she wasn't sexy enough?
The best talk on relationship ever
Well done to you both
❤❤
Esther is just brilliant, thank you for this!
it was great....I have a question - as an elderly woman seeking friendship, love etc....what I didn't understand is her reference of not being connected at start and have others 'fulfill' conversational needs...what and/or how do we connect to someone if we have nothing in common....what is the 'spark' that is needed if not fulfilled with conversation on first few months of dating...what holds it together? and at what point do we say to ourselves I'll get this fulfilled from friends or others. I get it that one person cannot fulfill the entirety but what is the key at first to starting and continuing on the relationship? especially as we age...while sex is important, friendship communication seems to be more key.
We don’t find love. We meet love.
So what is the baseline for a relationship? If we can get our needs met elsewhere, what should then a relationship provide? I am really struggling to find this answer after this video... I thought I already knew but now I feel completely confused. Also I am feeling as if I am and want too much now ... As if I am not realistic in my desires to be seen, heard by my partner.
Baseline is trust and respect.
People in relationships talking about how single people can be happy. Suuuuure....
There are so many things wrong with your comment that I don't even know where to start, lol.
@unmorcipan then don't do it :) I'm just an unhappy, lonely person. And this comment was typed out of pain.
My expectations are realistic and I don't expect my partner to be "everything" or even close to everything and it's still bleak out there.
i love the both of you. amazing interview. best of all time
6:50 truer words... you can't argue with this reality.
Most men have given up and don't even try to date anymore....
I'm six two, fit, good friends loving family, bought a house at 26, gave up trying to date at 30.
I just can't meet todai standards, I'm not a millionaire , I'm not a pro athlete .
I'm just a normal guy trying to be the best man I can , that's just not good enough.
What standards can’t you meet?
Bruh I am 26 I have never had a girlfriend I have given up too
It sounds like too many superficial women out there. Have you tried older women?
@@GloriaHass Why would I choose older women they come with a lot of baggage
@@digvijaypurty8160that is a stereotypical belief and answer that you have. Not all older women have emotional baggage because they have dealt with it. Maybe it's better for them that you don't choose an older woman.
Wauw! This is a very interesting conversation! Thank you so much!
Too good to have You two together 😍 Great podcast 💯
Thanks for listening
I love Ester Perel but the thing is we want to find a love partner with whom we’ll have a family and who will be the father of our children. I mean that IS the desire, that is what we want. You don’t think we have thought about other options like co parenting with a friend? That’s not the dream, that’s not the real desire. And don’t forget that Matthew and Ester are two people who have partners talking about this. I’m sorry but, no. I think there was a lack of validation and empathy about what the desire actually is.
And to whom will you ascribe the blame that you are not getting what you want?
Colectively many more could have more or less that experience if weman would stop their hypergamy and if man stopped with their poligamy tendencies. The attitude of the whole determaind faith of the individuals. You would bring society much closer if you started convinsing woman that man on their level are worthy of it and what is their level as would if man started telling each other that fucking as many woman as possible is not really the goal but we are far from having this talk with the individuals of the same sex
@@PinPinKula I’m not sure I get your point. I was actually referring to the example that Esther gives, about considering to co parent with someone who’s not your romantic partner. Choosing someone, let’s say a friend, to co parent with, is no easy task either, and it’s missing the point that the real desire is to find a romantic partner with whom to have a family.