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Escape The 'Friend Zone' With Women - How To Master Attraction & Charisma | Vanessa Van Edwards
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- Опубліковано 12 сер 2024
- It might be easy to think that charisma is something you’re born with - either you have it or you don’t.
But what makes someone charismatic? Why are some people able to capture our attention with apparent ease, while others have difficulty standing out from the crowd?
According to bestselling author Vanessa Van Edwards, the answer lies in the hidden language of cues - the tiny, nonverbal signals we send to others in every interaction.
In today’s episode of Impact Theory, Vanessa explores the powerful impact that even the most subtle cues can have on others.
Not only that, but she shares some powerful techniques for improving our awareness of cues, and how to use them to our advantage - proving once and for all that charisma isn’t something you’re born with, it’s something you can develop with practice.
If you want to dive even deeper into what’s discussed in todays episode, then be sure to check out Vanessa’s latest book, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication by clicking here: amzn.to/3h2Eg4p
SHOW NOTES:
00:00 | Introduction
01:08 | What is charisma and how do you develop it?
09:19 | Why modern communication habits are causing burnout
12:37 | How to control your cues in the digital landscape
17:16 | Why touch is such a powerful cue
24:51 | How to spot a liar
26:45 | Teaching children to read cues
30:59 | Addressing social cues in real time
37:27 | The power of oxytocin in communication
40:20 | Why it’s so important to understand cues
44:23 | Reading cues in tone of voice
48:20 | The best way to read a poker player
53:06 | The fastest way to cut through B.S. and get to know people
QUOTES:
“When we add the warmth, plus competence - so likable, friendly, compassionate, trustworthy, plus capable, powerful, impressive - that's the sweet spot.” [02:30]
“As humans, we first meet another human, the very first question we ask about them is, ‘Can I trust you?’ ...the next question we answer - and it is the next question is, ‘Can I rely on you?’” [04:09]
“I think Social Assertiveness is actually like a hidden trait that everyone should learn. Because to be socially assertive, it means you're putting your needs forward, but you're being polite about it.” [16:05]
“I would rather you be aware of the cues that are being sent to you to know, ‘I want this or I don't’ because they are that powerful, that if someone has bad intentions, they can still produce trust.” [41:01]
“I think that's something that is an underestimated cue that we don't talk about enough, but our voice gives away a lot of our personality and our mental state.” [43:10]
“I think that people who doubt their ideas, and they doubt themselves, that leaks in their cues.” [47:35]
“Our subconscious is this amazing cue reading machine. And so it is constantly trying to tell your gut, ‘Listen, that wasn't good. We should be nervous,’ or, ‘This person is great.’ It's constantly trying to speak to us, we just have to listen to it.” [51:37]
Follow Vanessa Van Edwards:
Website: www.scienceofpeople.com/
Twitter: bit.ly/3v2mvKR
Facebook: bit.ly/3oXUYX6
Instagram: bit.ly/3BzmgrX
Order Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication: amzn.to/3h2Eg4p
What are some of your favorite tips to become more charismatic?
delete the spam comments on your videos xD
Practice putting others at ease.
Make people feel important. Genuinely though...
@@marlonargueta That is a great one, Marlon. Thank you for sharing!
I think smiling is Definitely the main trait in my world of charisma :)
Open with warmth. Hit them with competence. Close with purpose. 🤯❤️❤️❤️
Wow, a formula to succeed with anyone! Love this!
This is a brilliant way to style your communication techniques
Hi good morning thinking of you....
I wanted to share with you this brilliant work by this author that has benefited me along my path....
I thought you might really enjoy this since we share the same dreams.
That’s great I’ll keep that in mind as a teacher
What comes to mind to me is one of my favorite quotes, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."
Makes no sense to me. I care what someone knows no matter what.
Theodore Roosevelt, man of great wisdom. also conservative af xD
Always a great reminded.
Yes absolutely, this quote is so true. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us and pointing this out! Hope you're doing great :)
@@NathalieLazo For today, I am doing great. I hope the same for you.
Be mindful of yourself during social interaction. It's a muscle in your brain that needs training. Don't overdo, learn to read a room, read cues.. and be genuine, empathetic, caring, but always carry your own will. Don't let anyone gaslight or steamroll you.
Lol
I must have been drunk and stoned and tired, I don't remember this post... but its true bahahaha
And don't fake like you care more than you really do.
@@TheDionysianFieldsor do at all
She’s the living proof that what she’s saying has to be true because she’s absolutely mesmerizing.
No doubt
She was worried about teaching these techniques to people with bad intentions. However, it’s better that SHE teach them and she get a chance to convince them to use it for good
Not really.
@@mattdelany6799you only say that bc she's pulling the curtain back.
@@mattdelany6799 you're definitely a catch. She would break you.
*Competence without warmth leaves people suspicious.*
This makes so much sense. I can see how this works for online dating, first dates, making new friends.. Love it!!
You're so right! Thank you for sharing this valid point! :)
Yes yes yes! This was an aha moment for me as well!
Exactly! Great channel by the way! Keep up the great work! Your channel solves a huge problem for a lot of people, you're doing excellent! Thank you :)
I'd like to add, that online dating is one of the most silly things nowadays. 🙂
@@marcp.1752 I think it is, but it's also the place where most people meet
"Charisma is the perfect blend of being likeable & powerful." (likeable, friendly, compassionate trustworthy + powerful capable impressive).
If you count the number of warm words you are using vs competence words u are using, you will see how u come across to others.
"Competence without warmth leaves people feeling suspicious ... "
“As humans, we first meet another human, the very first question we ask about them is, ‘Can I trust you?’ ...the next question is, ‘Can I rely on you?’”
-----------------
Achievement-oriented words: win, succeed, master, achieve. Just adding in a couple of achievement oriented words would change participants behavior, performance &motivation.
Warmth-oriented words:
So good! Thank you for breaking this down; it's so helpful :)
Warmth oriented words??
What she said getting the right energy ! just had guest over at my house, and to hear a real live loud laughter, was such a joy ! Connection is so healthy.
That is so awesome and a huge win! Thank you for sharing my friend! :)
Vanessa Van Edwards is incredible. Really incredible how knowledgeable she is and even more incredible how well she teaches others. I love listening to her. Her knowledge and teaching has helped me a lot.
She is so hot 😭👉🏻👈🏻
I have never had anyone ask me what my deepest fear is and now that I am thinking about it I'm not really sure. But I do think that would say a lot about a person. Same with asking who someone's biggest idol is and again I don't even have an honest answer for this. This will be a great journaling exercise for me. Great episode Tom. I always learn a lot from Vanessa
Thank you for being so honest, courageous and yet humble in sharing this! It is okay to not know now, the more you continue to learn from Tom and journaling like you mentioned, just sitting in silence to think and write will reveal so many great things about you. Thankful you are taking this step! You'll be amazed at yourself and your capabilities. Proud of you, Andrew! You got this :)
I find this woman so charismatic. She's so confident and smart. ❤️
A. MAZ. ING. This video leaves me speechless. How is it that I learn so much about myself in 62 minutes? Tom, your videos are changing my life SO much. You are my superhero. Thank you for your life changing topics and your gracious spirit to share.
Thank you for sharing how this has helped you so much, Carole! Came across your comment and it was intriguing to read! What did you learn so much about yourself when watching this? Would love to know! :)
@@NathalieLazo
After your question I actually went back and listened to it again. There's SO much in this hour. I've been trying to connect with people on a deeper level and be a better wife/mom/friend. I learned that some of the communication cues I give off may be cold. So being very deliberate about the cues I am sending is important to me. Also, I learned about depth of connection in the way we ask questions and the depth at which I listen. I've always considered myself a social moron (my words) and want to deepen my closest relationships along with deepening other relationships. I grew up with a passive aggressive parent that also raged at me and I never understood why as I really tried to be a compliant daughter and mostly stayed out of her way. Consequently, I always played small. I'm learning to find my voice again and, although I've been outwardly successful, I have an estranged adult son that I am desperate to re-connect with. I want to improve my relationships all the way around and deeply appreciate what I learned here. Likable and Powerful = Charisma.
@@CJoyArt These are all incredible insights, Carole. Thank you for taking the time to share. The fact that you went back and rewatched and wrote out your detailed thoughts of what you’ve learned, you’ve got a lot out of it! Which means that with your sense of awareness, you’re going to apply these new skills to better communicate with others. Thank you for your honesty. Super happy for you in advance! Keep us all posted on how it’s going for you. Best of luck in all your relationships, Carole.
@NathalieLazo I know I am a bit late on this, but it does my heart good to see this type of support for others in the comments. There is so much negativity these days, it is genuinely refreshing to see human beings give one another support like this! God bless
Charisma is why narcissists are so successful! Dr. Ramani Durvursula is a narcissism expert and she says when she sees a charismatic person she runs the other way. At a party she says she is drawn to the quiet person sitting back observing things. Judging by my two husbands alone I would say she is onto something. 💕
That sounds like you're making a false equivalency. Being charismatic and being a narcissistic are 2 different things. Though, I would say that narcissism probably helps someone develop a charismatic personality
Yes...charismatic...Is dangerous...lot of people who have low deep inner hiden insecurities search for power over people. Dr. Ramani Is right.
Thank you so much for this amazing interview. Loved sharing with you
Loved this!! Thank you so much Ms. Van Edwards!
Did you learn your confidence? Or have you always been like that?
I love this woman I’ve re listened to this conversation several times, somethings I’ve come around on…I’ll still submit that errors can be made by teaching your child to judge facial expressions to mean anything other than an emotion a person is experiencing…. Your culture is not the only culture people make different faces when thinking about various experiences…the danger I’m concerned with is the child being conditioned to assign false meanings…furthermore if a kid is frowning on the playground it may be because no one is playing with them so you teach your kid to leave the lonely kid alone….
Usually sad or lonely kids on the playground need a friend. I felt it was the other way around as to what she said
This is one of the most important videos I've watched at this time in my life. As the leader of my company and trying to instill confidence and competency in my team and even my family... This was so valuable to me!!!!
I'm glad you enjoyed it! 😊
“Gifting” I love it. I can already see it’s going to make a difference in how we interact with each other.
This woman is powerful and warm. Love her advice, again.
Today is July 2nd, 2023, Vanessa & Joe Dispenza are the two most articulate humans on the planet!.. Their gestures nonverbal hand communications along with the most comprehensive verbal articulation with Scientific knowledge in their field is unmatched!
Wow - thank you so much!
Vanessa had explained every thought perfectly. More of her!!
She's a phenomenal teacher to learn form when it comes to human psychology for sure!! Thank you for seeing her value she provides to the world! :)
At about the 52:00 mark, she said something that I try to do. If I am going on a date, I arrive before hand, and get chatty and friendly with other people. It helps a lot.
So amazing... At about 57:55 she started to do the "vocal fry". It's so interesting because that's the moment that she started to talk about her deepest fear. Her vocal fry showed how she didn't want to talk about it but she pushed through it and still expressed the moments of her life
listen to her older interviews, vocal fry was part of her regular vocal production. so, so glad she got rid of it.
Vanessa is my all time favorite guest on Impact theory. I’m so excited to enjoy this right now
I just discovered her on another channel. I absolutely LOVE HER!!! What a beautiful and amazing human being. She's an angel.
Watching her in action is as fascinating as it is inspiring! Watching her gestures while she relays information is akin to enjoying a dance performance. And to get Tom out of his head, was brilliant! He often appears mad when I think he only intends to look interested.
This is an absolutely fascinating set of interviews. Some really super insights. Vanessa is a genius and you have also got the best out of her through powerful questions.
Tom, this was mindblowing! I am dying to see a follow-up on these principles that explores the dark side. Politics would be a great sphere to explore. For example, I didn't vote for Trump (although I typically go Republican), and I really disliked him, but I can't deny he displayed some sort of charisma. How did he get so many followers? Most of my coworkers in the news media simply believed that his followers were just ignorant and easy to manipulate. The math of that explanation didn't add up for me: 47% of our population is a giant number to write off with such an assertion. Are there different kinds of chrisma? I am ready to go total Jedi in my explanation. And now I've just Sithed myself. Tom...please have remarkable Vanessa on Conversations with Tom and explore...if you dare.
See, I get your deepest fear: not being fearless to explore any human narrative to its head water.
Love your mission. Thank you!
People kept saying they felt Trump was so real. Like he was talking straight to them. His simple language was a genius!
I didn't like him either and felt he was dumb at times and way too raw and even obnoxious, but it worked. Fascinating.
He also knew NLP real well too!
@@MoneyStrategiesSOULutions Scott Adams, the Dilbert cartoonist, predicted Trumps victory over Hillary Clinton. Adams has studied hypnotism, and claimed that Trump's speaking style, repetition of phrases and body language were indicators of the use hypnotic techniques. I'd love to know if that was the case.
Vanessa , it's so true as you stated in the previous video in impact theory that hand gestures are so important when u give a speech or podcast, like the way Simon Sinek did in his first Ted talk.
Oh my Gosh ! I have been repeatedly watching your videos and i have discovered the main reason for that was your hand gestures in every video.
This makes your videos so lively.
Cues are so essential. My favorite line that will stick with me is to figure out what you are leaking. I think the word choice of “leaking” is extremely purposeful and it changed my perspective
Once again obsessed with your show and with Vanessa! This was such an amazing value packed episode and I've already shared it with so many people! Thank you both for being epic and amazing real life super heroes! Btw Tom I am one of those touchy people like the girl you met! 😂🤣
Such an amazing conversation!!! 😍😍🥳🥳
I'm sooooo excited to read this book!!!
Loved it! ❤️
Hope you enjoy it so much! :)
I haven’t finished watching this. I am very impressed by the immediate usability and power of this information.
From now on when someone calls me intense I'm going to take it as a compliment. Thank you, Vanessa!
It's a good sign of your character! Powerful! :)
This is a gem for actors !!! It is about what is not been said that makes a person more dangerous and or most beautiful.
Dang! Wish I had these facial expression/body language lessons when I was a kid. I turn 30 next month and I'm still learning!
Happy early birthday, beautiful Alex! Learning is a daily thing, you're the on right track! Stay awesome! :)
😘@@NathalieLazo
To the *incredible person* that's seeing this, I wish you all the best in life❤ don't over blame yourself, accept things and go forward. Don't let others define what “success” is for you. Get up, learn the skills needed and get after it, all the keys to a happy life is in your hands. Keep pushing.
I like Tom and Vanessa seems nice but, I am tired of people saying "if they blink like this, or look that way, or scratch their throat, nose, or bla bla bla bla then their lying" I have an anxiety and dissociative disorder along with other mental health issues and I am not lying to people when I move involuntarily I am dying of discomfort from existing as a human with trauma, and I am thinking about how I just want to cease to exist and I know many other people flinch a ton when they are anxious, dissociating, and depressed too and it does not mean they are lying, especially when having to talk about trauma it is so painful because it is like reliving it again and most of us often flinch when talking about trauma.
I simply LOVE this interview. Tom and Vanessa, thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this invaluable content with us. 💗
*"THE BIGGEST RISK OF ALL IS NOT TALKING ONE ."* -MRS BLOSSOM JEFFERSON.
Starting early is the best way of getting ahead to build wealth,investing remains the priority. Forex trading has plenty of opportunities to earn a decent payout,with the right skills and proper understanding of how the market works
This is really helpful for my situation,please how can I get intouch with her?
What a striking coincidence,Expert Mrs blossom Jefferson changed my financial life tremendously I was able to pay off my loan $50000 with her methods, her method works like magic
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Message her👆As a single mom,I've been making $15,000 monthly with her help
At 40:35 she was most authentic in this entire interview. Yet - such an incredible insight to the human psyche - thank you
One of my favorite episodes and I’ve been watching IT for years 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Amazing content ...Never heard of her. Definitely gonna get the book ..Thanks Tom !
Listened to the episode on Spotify. Pre-ordered the book. Now I just got to watch it too! One of my all time favorite episodes. Thanks!
So awesome! Thank you for sharing this! :)
Vanessa really knows what she is talking about. Really cool. I find it difficult to understand that she is afraid of being underestimated.
This is GOLDEN information!!😲🤓🤗 she’s awesome 👏🏾 love the info 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾😊
SO glad you enjoyed! ❤
The part about “gifting” words in an email to set the mood the reader receives was powerful!
Yes, I agree with you, Roseanne! Thank you for sharing :)
Thanks so much, Tom, for hosting Vanessa. We had similar social struggles and it's a delight to have answers.
I'm so glad you found it helpful ❤
She is absolutely right....her hair does look awesome(20:00). It's off topic, but it had to be said.
I deeply enjoyed this interview. I realist I always speak in vocal fry. I sort of already knew this but it was a big unlock for me mentally. I'm going to make a mental note of it
This stood out to me, when you talked about the placement of touch correlating to intimacy, I find that a touch on the hand is much more intimate than a touch on the shoulder. Why is that? I understand the lower on the back the more intimate but if I were touching a friend or a coworker I would be much more comfortable and casual with a shoulder touch than a hand touch.
This is exactly what I needed right now! Vanessa I love the way you express yourself.
Excellent interview. Mind-blowing insights. Thank you so much for this 🙏🏼
I've already pre-ordered the audio book.
The tingly feeling is your inner being showing that you are in tune with each other. In that moment you can ask your super you questions or visualize interacting with your desire(s).
If someone looks sad, that's the one person one should invite to play and talk to not ignore or neglect.
Gifting emotions and chemicals via language. THATS FRIKN AMAZING! Wow I love that. GIFTING
That part is so powerful!! Thank you for resharing this!
She's so beautiful. And you guys have great chemistry. Awesome content once again. Thanks guys 🖤
I am from India and struggling with my communication. I am feeling hopeless and find this video. So helpful and I tried to apply all technice which are discussed here.
Thank you for your efforts.
You are in the right place
AMAZING interview. Glad i stumbled on this. THE IMPORTANCE OF THE HANDS and "GIFTING" people energy... something i have been studying while creating a dance project. Loved this a lot. Can't wait to learn more about you both!
Wow, this was a very interesting interview. Have watched certain sections twice to just grasp it completely. Especially the voice cues were intriguing. Pre-ordered the book immediately. Thanks for all the value you both bring, Vanessa and Tom!
loved this one. The hand movements in poker was what I found most interesting.
I am gonna grab her book, CUES. It seems worth reading after listening to her. Thanks Vanessa and Tom for this wonderful talk. I can't help but laugh at the cue Vanessa sent by touching her nose at 42:06, after telling us the meaning herself. I love you, guys.
7:10
Open with warmth
Then competence
Then close with purpose
58:10
Who’s your biggest role model
I’m traditionally introverted and competent focused in engagement. Increasingly, I’ve been observing how likeable people engage. There’s a performative nature to how they present themselves. It certainly creates connection with those they are engaging. However, I’m curious where does authenticity come in and how do we balance it with the quest for likeability.
Wow! She is really inspiring me rn! So impressive and interesting, can’t wait to pick up the book!
Brilliant interview!
I made the mistake of starting an email with, "This is how this is going to work." I did not get the response I expected. So true.
She’s so good. One of the best reasons I know this because the hour seemed to go by in 15 minutes.
Vanessa is so enlightening and trustworthy ❤️ Tom, you are an interesting enigma !
Thanks so much ❤
She has such a radiant smile :)
Such an AMAZING interview, thank you both of you 👏🏼
Loved this interview! So much respect for you for having her on your channel!
Sometimes people who are "smart and intelligent" aren't necessarily trying to "show off" at all. I believe it's based more on how they think and what is in the forefront of their thoughts and that is what comes out in conversation. It isn't an intentional ploy to appear "smart or intelligent". Truly intelligent people at times struggle with warmth and social skills. On the other hand, there is the type of person who spews facts on this or that, but their desperation to appear intelligent is almost palpable. It does not, in fact, mean that they are "smart" or "intelligent".
Neither type tends to win friends and influence people, but there is still a vast difference.
Also deeply appreciate how authentic you are Tom
*Believe in yourself. You are braver than you think and more talented than you know, and capable of more than you can imagine. Keep putting in the work...*
She’s awesome. Love the interview your wife did with her too
Thank you ❤
This women to a real Star and excellente teacher. Yes, she has deep knowlege. Way over his level.
Thank you for opening my eyes to this amazing woman!!!
I find myself always looking for the code In things I'm a writer so it's all about the code and the format controlling my cues using them as a way to lead the conversation and understand where I am at... this is life-changing thank you so much. I am working and my social awkwardness this is huge! Also bonus points 👉 she said it gives you Spidey senses
Such a pleasure to follow this very open and as for me natural discussion. Haven’t seen really many of Tom Interviews but this one struck me with the level of natural respect and honesty. Great!!
Great tips for raising your level of awareness about what it takes to connect with others.
Great interview. Tom kept it buttoned mostly which is always great.
Thank you so much Tom for sharing this amazing conversation 🙏❤️
Tom and his Awesome Guest has come out Trumps👌🏾👏🏽 again 💯💯💯
*JEDI MIND TRICK*
33:00 *Ask a related view point question without putting them on the spot. Example: (they say they're good with everything & but cueing they're not) "What do you like most about this situation/plan?" If they truly don't like anything about it they may not be able to contain themselves any further & either they won't be able to answer at all & their true feelings will become more obviously or they will choose to confess. Now a wonderful side benefit is when a person who does not hate it but who is only slightly uncomfortable with it answers the question positively, because doing this will sometimes convince themselves of what good upside to it they may not have previously acknowledged & when they themselves had to think of it & then verbalize it, this action can be the difference needed to no longer feel negative & thus many times their previous apprehension may be eliminated.*
"Competence without warmth leaves people feeling suspicious." THIS is exactly how I feel about Tom.... he exudes competence but he is definitely cold so I`ve been suspicious of him for years. Whenever he is challenged, he gets defensive and either changes the subject or ends the interview.
Lol, are u joking
Love this one!!!! Thank you so much for the amazing conversation ❤❤❤
You are so welcome ❤
The two of you together were totally captivating. Lots of great info and so fun to watch. Thank you! *Just subscribed. 😁
Thank you Susan! I'm so glad you enjoyed it 🙏
Cuing a a gifting for a a reframe device - it’s so interesting hearing them learn the english language
This lady is so genuine 😍😍
Yes, she is, I so agree with you! :)
Yes yes yes!!! Thank you for this. It helps me understand myself and those around me 💓💓💓
TOM!!!! I do the exact same thing with pinching belly and waist fat!!. I don't weigh myself and this is my habit for control as well. At least 50 to 70 times a day. So interesting to hear this from you too
That's so awesome! Great minds think alike, like you and Tom! Thanks for sharing!
I really wanted her to expand on when ppl try to control ques by becoming mute. She said it was a danger zone and then the conversation moved on….
You may find this article helpful! 🙏 It talks more about the danger zone cues: www.scienceofpeople.com/cues-summary/
Awkward mom of ASD kids here. I’m am totally going to have my kids watch Vanessa’s interviews and read her book. Thank you for this content!
Yay! This makes me happy. So glad you enjoyed! ❤
Very interesting!!!!I I will buy that book
Blew my mind, I had to buy my copy! Thanks a lot for bringing this amazing people!
The severe limitations of emails vs. in-person communication hits all the time. I think it has hit humanity for centuries, as people from every culture with any amount of literacy has striven greatly (sometimes painfully) toward eloquence in the written form. I'd really like to see some lessons on how to turn written communication into something closer to warm, charismatic personal communication.
I agree that Warmth and Competence are incredibly important to becoming Charismatic. I would offer that confidence is a missing ingredient. We like people who display warmth and competence. We follow warm, competent people who are confident. Confidence is often what adds a level of leadership to a charismatic person.
Another great interview! Thanks, Tom!
Fantastic and extremely insightful and one of the prettiest people on the planet I really appreciate her helping me self improve she made me look at some things that I didn't think about
No wonder zoom meetings are so exhausting 😅
Thank you for that insight.
You're so welcome! ❤
Absolutely love love LOVE your vids and wish you mountains of success. Pleeeease keep breaking it down to simple easy to understand /relatable yet keeping it real in all you do (i really that's key)