Thirty years ago UA-cam and media such as yours didn’t exist. Thirty years ago I pursued a PhD in psychology just to figure out what the hell kind of family I came from. Back in the day, there was really no other way (not even therapy) to take a deep-dive into identifying NPD and other types of antagonistic personality styles. I spent years and many thousands of dollars to glean HALF of what you provide to your viewers. Dr. Ram, the service you provide to the world is truly invaluable: the healing and worth your content brings is beyond measure. The world thanks you!
I was the truth teller and scape goat for sure. Finally free from that prison. I have been labeled the “ungrateful child”, “arrogant” “lacking in honor for parents” “selfish” etc, because I chose to make my own choices and stick by them. Finally went my own way. It has been hard, but they have not bothered to reach out and chose to block my number instead. I’m learning to see them through the lens they deserve. They were not a family, but a toxic group that shared my blood but would also shed my blood if they could benefit from it. God help me heal.
Being exploited by our parents is unbelievably devastating. I thought I was alone in the confusion of being so many things over the years - for my parents. It's horrible to reflect on the impact it all had on my relationship with my siblings. The expectations changed depending on which parent's home I was in, being in public vs. the home, and over the years as I experienced the grief, shame, and loss of it all, being lost by it all, and as my personality changed. I was the golden child + over-achiever + handmade --> scapegoat --> truth teller --> scapegoat --> invisible.
Wow, multiple roles shifting over time. No wonder I was confused & depressed. Thank you for this perspective! Went from “golden child fixer” to “truth teller” that’s gone no contact 😅!Freedom at last!
It’s just sad that in our society we are limited in our ability to intervene in narcissist abuse especially with children. I’m 72 and it has taken me all these years to understand better how to cope with narcissistic people. It seems the most effective intervention is education at this point as narcissism is becoming more prevalent and acceptable. I’m so grateful for Dr Ramani’s book and I hope it becomes required reading in every language.
Agreed. I see us not as a "sacrificed" generation but as the generation who will change things for the ones after us. Mold breakers. Generational curse breakers. Light bringers. ❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Over the years, you have educated me. I've been able to navigate life much more informed and eyes wide open you'd say. Bless you.
Narcissistic abuse did bring darkness to our lives, erased us, shaped us and traumatized us. But it also converted us into people who will CHANGE THINGS for the generations to come. We're more that our trauma... We're MOLD BREAKERS. We're GENERATIONAL CURSE BREAKERS. We're LIGHT BRINGERS. ❤
Thanks Dr Ramani for helping me understand the pervasive undercurrent of fear and dread that haunted me until i was in my late 40’s. At 50 i have finally begun to find peace in the pit of my gut, thanks to your kind, patient explanations of my reality. Mum was a cruel, manipulative malignant narcissist with anti social personality disorder. I was fifth of her eight children and now understand the damaged personalities of myself and my siblings. I understand to my very core the unending torment of having been raised without love, compassion, honesty or warmth. My heart aches for the ongoing damage in the lives of my six brothers as they navigated lives believing women were somehow ‘out to get them’ due to her influence. Ive been single for 20 years, having preferred to completely avoid any more conflict in my home. Until i found your channel i thought i was bad or wrong - now i understand i was just drawn to the familiarity of narcissistic men and somehow believed that i really was stupid, lazy, boring, ugly blah blah blah … i finally see the horizon without the dark clouds and its beautiful and peaceful and reassuring. Cheers from Australia
@@charisma3814 so much of what you wrote hits home. I too have stayed single for many years for the same reason. All I want is peace and quiet in my home. I really appreciate you sharing this as it makes all of us feel less alone, thank you. I wish you healing and peace. Love from the U.S.
I don’t usually leave comments but Dr Ramani speaks straight to my heart. Thank you both for your replies, it’s comforting to be heard and understood. I’m so sorry you were tormented and abused until you believed you were the cause. Please, know that you have suffered too much already, you deserve to be happy and the kindness you share makes a positive difference in the lives of others. Gotta walk the dogs on this warm Australian morning
They rule the world. We live in a time and society when narscissistic personalities and psychopaths are given the world; they are held up as heroes and children are taught to emulate them, while goodness and empathy are punished and considered deviant. The people that our ancient ancestors used to push out of the village are now in charge of all the money and nuclear weapons.
I hate to say it, but I totally agree with that. I don't know how old you are but I am 71 and I can remember a time when that was not true (at least from a child's perspective). People had self awareness. While I was always an outsider because of all the secrets I carried, it was still comforting to go into a world that seemed sane even if I was only an observer.
Double nightmare of two n parents here. Dr. R has succinctly described my entire life up until now with such precision and clarity and decades of emotional, verbal, and financial abuse.
Thank you for bringing this topic. My dad was bragging & telling how great I am in public but treating me like garbage & physically abusing at home. Now I suffer from CPTSD and some extreme narcissistic traits myself.
I was 1 in five daughters that was literally a whipping post for my Mother. Purposely made late for school. When my dad and sisters were out of the house. I was locked in a closet, etc.etc. I realized after listening to you, Dr. That my mother was truly a Narcissist. My Dad was always nowhere to be found. As an adult I endured three Narcissistic marriages. I bought your book. I just started it. In hope that I can heal. Through dark childhood moments, my only help was prayer.
I was the scapegoat, while being the Truth Teller!!! As a child I was yelled at and screamed at everyday!!! I was abused Mentally, Physically and Emotionally until I was thirty five years old!!!
They will turn their children into indentured servants while verbally and physically abusing them. It’s a horrible existence that continues down through the family unit. I was the scapegoat throughout my whole life and now that I said that I don’t want to care for others, that I finally want to put myself first, I’ve become non-existent in the so called “family dynamic”
I was the truth teller and scapegoat at home and the golden child in public until I was not. I have a narcissistic mother and had a sociopath of a step father. No contact was the best decision.
Listening to this one, I am not surprised I had so many issues coming into adulthood, my childhood was much as was described. I only just realised, after 60 years, that my mother is a narcissist, and so is my sister (either to a lessor degree, or a bit more covert). I was the invisible child, only visible to get a beating, not for anything I had done, but finally breaking after my sister's non-stop antagonism. Bizarrely, the sister seemed to be the golden child, if she got a B, it was all praise. Meanwhile, my straight-As wouldn't even get acknowledgement. It was like living in Bizzaro Land. Unfortunately, I have to once again live in close proximity to both of them, and count the days until I have the resources to move away again.
@@soniahathaway1 When either of them want anything from me, out comes a big lump of emotional blackmail. Because I know it is coming these days, I give them both a blank look.
@@davinasquirrel7672 they are quite mad. My mother discarded me a couple of years ago (once again), because I dared to finish with a wealthy, successful abusive man I had been seeing. my name has been smeared, siblings too trauma bonded to care. I don’t reside close and have made my own family tribe since I was in my twenties so no biggie (but of course one never stops mourning the love of family one never had). I find narcs very sad, jealous people, although they do their best to make others sad. 🤗
DEPRESSION is the result of childhood CPTSD & we get stuck in the grief as well as the shame of family dysfunction. I played just about every role in their playbook & grew up to play many roles with malignant partners. It’s almost impossible to shake the impact of narcissistic parents
Our mom abused all 3 of just as much. No one was a favorite, maybe at some times our brother was favored. He’s the weakest and most damaged of us all 3 siblings. She was a drunk, she beat us, she yelled at us constantly. We were so afraid. It was bad. I’m the youngest, she treated me like her servant. She was very mentally ill. She completely ruined all 3 of us. She used me also as her therapist, she would unload all of her worries on me. “How am I going to pay this bill” etc. I was carrying so many burdens as a child. She put the responsibility of raising us on our big sister. She became a narcissist too. My brother is very dangerous. He is the biggest narcissist in the family. I’m terrified of him. My mom was too.
I was always talked up to anyone my mother could get to listen, but the second no one was around I was compared to my older sibling and made to feel like I was just made to be a copy of them. If I ever deviated from how they were or fell short of their accomplishments I was made to feel like I had failed at something. She trained me to never be myself while at the same time would tell all of her friends how proud she was of her kids independence.
Thanks for this clarification. I've indeed had different roles with my covert N mother (scapegoat) and malignant N father (golden child). I never understood this until now. Of course, after I became more independent I sort of became scapegoat for both of them as my father followed my mother's every wish.
Neglectful Narcissistic Parents need to be held accountable for the Devastating Damage they cause! They are all guilty of Gaslighting which is now a Criminal Offence in Ireland 🇮🇪 ❤❤ Great Video ❤❤ Thank you Dr Ramani
Sorry but without any context or personal experience given, one-liners like this show to me, too much black&white thinking. Because in my opinion, you could be a narcissist easily, who 'educated' him/herself on channels like this .... I apologize If I'am wrong ....
@@SylPaperworks Homeless people of all ages come from all walks of life. In my personal experience from working in the heart of skid row for over a decade for a government agency, many of the homeless were young teenagers who were booted out, thrown out or simply ran away from home to get away from their family. The streets quickly welcomed them but was not a safe place and unfortunately took many to a deeper, darker level of despair. That world is black & white.
I was an only child of two narcissistic parents (dad was a grandiose and mom was a covert). I played all the roles and was thrown into them randomly and without warning.
Every one in my extended family on both sides are narcissitic or enablers, except me and one cousin. She's an anxious wreck, I am very very angry now I finally know what they were and what they did.
Jezzzzzz Dr Ramani! Already in the first moment, sounds like u would have lived with us (my family). Yep,I've been the golden child for my dad (he treated my brother worse,as I was dancing on eggshell for him) and I'm the scapegoat for my mom and literally ran away from the country even. I can not tell u Dr Ramani,how thankful I am for you, for the years of support and validating my feelings (that it's not me,and I'm not completely nuts). I'm not religious but still say: God bless you, u are our savior
Dr Ramani Thank You So Much for The Wisdom n Healing! I am just now realizing I am a Surviver of Narcissistic Abuse my whole Life. Ive been talking to my surport people and they keep invalidating my feelings. Telling me im takin a deep dive into this narcissistic information n im not a Dr. But i said that u r a Dr. Thank You for givin tools i need
"...If you came from a narcissistic family of origin, you existed in a singular capacity...you became an optimal narcissistic supply delivery device..." You nailed it, Dr. Ramani. Thank you for acknowledging the complex and devastating impact this has on us throughout our lives. We're hard on ourselves and forget where we came from and what we went through as children. I was sad all the time. I had happy moments, but overall, I was just sad. Oftentimes, my teachers bothered to notice and tell me I should smile more, "You look prettier when you smile." That just really solidified the reality of it, one from which I sought escape. I always had a book to read, often supplied by my malignant narcissist father, as if to intentionally isolate me by having me engaged in activities that kept me occupied in a world of my own. Not building the relationships that might take me away from being as easily exploited by him.
@@erinward2983 wow. Im feeling this. Of all the things I ever asked for, I was showered with books. I was always sad too. As a child in elementary school, Id spend entire weekends alone in my room reading. I never really thought about how convenient that was for my narcissist parents. Thanks for sharing. I hope you find healing and peace.
Lying to children is more damaging than telling a child, your dad and mom are arguing because Daddys got an addiction and is hurting himself and hurting mommy. When children don't know, it makes things very scary and leaves them completely Powerless and scared. When I was growing up, my mother was bi polar, Histrionic and Borderline. The arguments in the house and even attacks on me were crazy making and heartbreaking. NO ONE told me that my mother is mentally ill. They left it up to the child to figure things out. It was a loooooong and EXCRUCIATINGLY painful road. I would NEVER do that to a child. EVER
I can only empathise with your situation as distressingly I am an alienated father whose daughter is going through what you previously endured. Her mother describes to a tee what your mother is. I hope your road to recovery gets better with time. I feel that my daughter now is an extension of her mother. Not sure she will ever find out.
Hearing this from someone other than the voice in my own mind leaves me utterly speechless. For so long, I’ve learned to stay silent about this reality, knowing even colleagues and fellow clinicians often fail to grasp the depth of this oscillating, layered experience. Thank you for courageously sharing your truths, which resonate so deeply with many of ours. Adding the weight of religious trauma to this, the shame of being labeled the “strong-willed child” for simply advocating for others only magnified the pain and isolation. Navigating the multilayered abuses embedded in those systems has carved out wounds and nuances that often feel unspeakable. Your words hold space for a shared ache that too often goes unspoken. 🧘🏾♀️🫂🪷
I have followed you since 2years and l must say you really have empowered me so much and added meaning to my extended family dynamics and how it impacted all aspects of my life. I have been very mindful with my children GOD BLESS YOU SO MUCH.
Not just helping ourselves, I'm just glad this disorder is being talked about so we can identify and help others around us. Now I'm far more likely to notice a child dealing with this. Not to be a downer, but as someone targeted for being a truth teller at work, school, etc, there is an old German fairy tale where an Elven king has all these magical daughters but each has something wrong. There is one daughter who says, "I always tell the truth, which no one wants to hear, so I have already woven my funeral shroud."
Thank you for your videos. :) I grew up scapegoated, but in public I was the "good daughter," as I sang in church with my mom, made good grades, and did most of the housework. I even took notes for her when I was homeschooled and she was in college. But at home, I couldn't do anything right. Especially believing in the things I was told I had to believe in. Of course, if my sense of worth is dependant on believing what she did, I had to choose the truth for myself eventually. I'm more witchy. I guess I'll burn forever. At least I won't have the coldness of emotional isolation. ;)
I’m blown away how easily I am still triggered. I know some wounds will never heal. My abuse started before I even turned two. I was the truth teller who was required to be invisible. Later in life being trauma bonded until the narc died I was the scapegoat. In my early 50s I wanted to know wtf is wrong with me. Everything was about my father to the point of me taking on his paranoia. My paranoia died when he died. Anyway I met a lady almost 90 told me a whole narc story. First narc encounter she ever had! Wow- the whole jest a caretaker for her husband befriended her tried to make the husband look bad and her incompetent. Thank goodness a doctor stepped in and up! This lady had no idea these narcissists even exist. ❤ bless her
I was hoping for this type of content. You articulated the feelings of so many survivors of this particular type of narcissistic abuse so well. Thank you for all the work that you are doing in this area.
Ma’am, you are such a great psychologist! Thank you so much for doing what you do! ❤ May God protect and guard you every single day! ❤ I don’t have nor do I want to say much here on UA-cam, just am thankful and grateful.
Small caveat: SOME children DO understand at a very early age that the parents aren't right, that the parents are dangerous, abusive, doing wrong. Those children do NOT blame themselves, they try to fix the parents though, they try to teach the parents. It doesn't work of course, so then they just focus on growing up and getting out.
@@harmonyvaneaton4101 I wasnt one of those children, unfortunately. But I appreciate what you've said because it gives me hope that for some children maybe less damage will done. I pray this is the case for my neices and nephew.
I was the truth teller, Scapegoat, and fixer to my narcissistic mother. I was the truth teller, fixer, a favorite to my dad who I don't believe was a Narcissist. Later, my mother had him to believe I was the "problem" but he learned the truth right before he passed. Then I was just the Scapegoat to my mother. My mother was physically abusive to my brother & I. She scared the hell out of us.
I feel like I had so many roles. Scapegoat, invisible child, truth teller, golden child. I was only a golden child in public. I was a truth teller because that's my personality. I was often told I was so negative and pessimistic because I was telling the truth about something. Of course, my mother ignored how pessimistic and negative she always has been. I was a scapegoat if I complained about anything, literally anything. I was told I was too picky or too sensitive or my expectations were too high of others. I took all of this criticism to heart and settled into the role of invisible child. I did it so well that when I did finally get fed up on occasion and mention that some comment hurt or crossed my boundaries, I was basically treated like the toaster in Dr. Ramani's stories. How dare I (the toaster) have feelings of any kind. How absolutely ridiculous. I don't know how to shed any of this without help. I can say that after going to a pretty good psychologist for years that typical psychology doesn't cover narcissistic abuse very well. I was told not too long ago that now that I recognize the abuse, I should be able to just call it out or walk away from it. I actually said, please tell that to every battered woman in existence (lol, that's my truth telling side). I don't get the impression that it's common to "just walk away" from abuse, but I did get the feeling that my therapist is basically tired of hearing me complain. Best of luck to everyone here.
Dr Ramani where were you all my childhood? 🙂❤️ It's such a relief and confirmation to hear this from someone of my mother's age when all my life I've been treated like a 3 y old idiot who could not wipe their nose I always lived in this distorted reality thinking I was stupid, they knew better, all mothers beat their kids, call them names, terrorize them, condition them into some ideal and punish them to become better because that is "LOVE" Realizing that there were always healthy mothers who knew better Children who didn't have to struggle through hell Today's adults who are confident and smooth through life is so painful Remembering the terror and anxiety my childhood was is killing me How stupid and unnecessary 😭 You don't know what you don't know, right?
I was the scapegoat and truth teller. I went no contact years ago, but I often find I end up in "toxic" work situations. My truth telling hasn't been squashed and it's painful and very difficult to manage things now that I'm all grown up.
The memory of multi-tasking and wearing multiple hats fills my childhood. My biological family is a distant memory now. Everything Dr. Rami says about narc parents is so personal to me because I have experienced most of them in private and public: scapegoat, truth teller, the invisible, handmaids, fixers, etc. Authenticity literally saved my life once I accepted myself as who I am. It was a tough journey and at times I thought I wasn't going to make it.
Dr. Ramani ,you saved me and I'm forever grateful. It took me a year and a half to finally leave but it's now been two weeks. If I didn't have your channel to listen to I would have been still confused and I would of given up . I kept trying to leave but I loved him so much I'd go back after multiple infidelities. You never made me feel judged and that was the reason that I would feel it was ok to try again. This is the longest I've been away from him but I feel that any progress is progress . Your videos are my lifeline and I will continue to hold on
22:04 "...another one is that they become completely detached and disinterested once you hit adulthood." Or they were *never* interested or attached to you. 😟 I felt guilty for YEARS that I went no contact with my mother in early adulthood. It's only now looking back that I realize she went no contact with ME first when we were in the same house! 🥺 It's only now that I see that it's capital A ABUSE to never talk to a child and scowl whenever they leave their room 'til they learn not to speak, not to have needs, not to DO or BE in *any* way that causes a ripple in the world. Even plants need soil, water, and sunlight to grow! 🌱 May all of us get the nurturing we need, even if we have to give it to ourselves. 💖 🌈🌿😃💐🍀
i never thought about the whole two different roles thing with my parents. i was the invisible child for my dad, and the scapegoat for my mom. and that's probably why i hate taking up space as a person, and blame myself for everything.
Hi from scapegoat. Both parents were narcissists as well as my kid sister. I was invisible. Too 'capable' to get any help. My appendicitis was just an attempt to get 'attention'. My broken wrist could be fixed by washing dishes. I got out of the house after having my appendix surgery. I was a teenager at the time.
@kayastarlove hi. I built a good life. It was really hard, but I have faith in myself and abilities. I made many mistakes along the way, but have 2 wonderful sons, 2 adorable cats and am grateful for every day I have. I forgave my parents to be able to let go. They had real difficulties in life which warped their coping mechanisms. That understanding helped me. Thank you for caring.
I was the truth-teller and scapegoat, and my 14-months-older sister was the golden child, or as I've always thought of it, the Queen in Waiting. The ground would shift, tilt, and get pulled out from under me in a nano-second, without reason or warning with my parents, and sister, my core family. After not "getting it" for decades I finally "saw it" and understood what was going on, thanks to Dr. Ramani and others. I called my threesome family, the Trifecta of Evil, and went No Contact, with all of the hell that that entails with the flying monkeys all around in every direction battering me. The only time my mother's attention would come my way and she'd be nice or attentive towards me was when she would say to me, "I'm SO MAD at your sister!!". When the "mad" was over, she was no longer interested in me, and any gift/s that she gave me during these "Oh, mom DOES love me" times, she demanded that I give them back to her, and demanded that it be "RIGHT NOW!" It was always hurtful hell. It was like living in a Tilt-A-Whirl" environment.
Thank you again Dr. Ramani. I will share some personal things with you today, as I would like to express to someone how I see through my past and have found some healing. I can understand that I may be feeding other's malicious psychological intentions but I don't care about them and My life is mine to improve. Before I had died at three, I was being emotionally, psychologically and sexually abused. After I had died I somehow had the consciousness to fight back, but that meant that I would initially go into a flailing tantrum so my abuser would get away. I never hurt my friends, animals, sibling or even my enemies. After my death, I knew what it was to hurt and never wanted them to feel that. I have had some great loving relationships with friends and women. I have also taken several years of martial arts so I could learn to be close to others and control my emotions through movements that could even be dangerous. I was the scapegoat, fixer, emotional/psychological punching bag to one parent and a Joy to the other. The one who loved me, would still enable the one who didn't. This left me holding deep contempt for the one I loved. I grew up in a small town and my narcissistic parent would say things to my friends and others that would cause them to look at me with disgust at even a young age. To a child. It was as the whole world hated me, even though I hadn't done anything wrong. Enough for today. Thanks again. Steven Hall
I have that at work 😂. Invisible, scapegoat, handmaid, fixer at home as a child, but never the golden child. Wierdly I was a truth teller Outside the family structure. I married a DVer and continued as scapegoat handmaid. I stayed a fixer for my parents and family. I still am.
I was the golden child as a kid and my sister was the scapegoat but I called my mom out for treating us differently then I became the scapegoat and my sister took my place
When I look back on my relationship with my Mother and Elder Brother I always felt he was the favourite. If I showed my Mother affection or confidence in growing up as a Teenager I felt she didn't approve. Then when the time came where I showed interest in the opposite sex she became aggressive in tone. I found out in later years that she'd had a bad impoverished childhood and that I had been the result of an affair, but I now realise that her history were no excuse for being made to feel unworthy or devalued. 🍒
As a child I was the golden child. High achiever so my mother fed off of that supply to build her ego. Then as an adult I tried to "fix" the family by identifying the problems that were mostly hers, so I became the truth teller then scapegoat. She unloaded all of her emotional distress on me as a child. Even as a child, one time I had the cognizance to realize I was too young to be able to understand her adult level stress. She was always unloading on me her hatred towards our dad and wanting to divorce him. I spoke up when I was around nine years old one time and she unhinged her jaw and devoured me for "talking back". I just retreated back into myself. I had no power.
Paralysing is very accurate. I had both parents who were narcissists 😢. I was the golden child growing up and my older sister the scapegoat. When I was 24 years old I went back to live at my parents house with my husband and I became the scapegoat as I wouldn’t agree with everything they said. When my daughter was born 24 years ago she became the golden child and I became the invisible one and still the scapegoat. Unfortunately I have been unable to keep a relationship going more than 10 years. Since watching your videos I have come to realise that I have been love bombed at the start of the relationships and when things go bad and their real personality comes out I have held on thinking things would change and I must be doing something wrong. Always thinking it’s all my fault which has been a pattern I learnt in childhood from my mother. I’ve gone on to re-enact it over and over again in adulthood and I am in a narcissistic relationship right now. I’m disabled and he is my carer so leaving is more complicated than if I was working with my own income and could get accommodation easily, which in the uk right now is near impossible to do. The damage caused by narcissistic parents is absolutely horrendous.
The bragging part is humiliating, sometimes even decades later. New frontiers in stretching the truth. Do parents get so addicted to having the upper-hand that they don't realize that one day the kid will be the adult, well beyond them, and that the things they said and did will come to light and be that parent's real legacy? The currency of gossip makes insecure, disloyal people them feel super powerful.
I am in therapy because of this , I have 😊was the product of 2alchoholic parents growing ill and the care taker of both. My sister was the golden child. Had to keep it his a secret my whole childhood. My parents are passed away now. This behavior has continued throughout my adulthood. My life has been pure hell, and now uik disabled and with a narcacist, partner, I’ve disowned my sister and her children, who are all gaslighters. My own adult daughter, gaslights me. I’m on my own.
I was the invisible child during my childhood and am now the Golden Child in adulthood because my narcissistic siblings are now estranged and my narcissistic parents need help from me. I see it for what it is and recognize that my value is not determined by my parents but by MYSELF.
I have yet to hear about my situation: an only child in a single-parent household with a narcissistic mother. I was subject to expectations of perfection coupled with unending criticism, denigration and jealousy.
We do the opposite of mum n dad and fail we jump into being like them and fail.school didn't teach ud how.I got bipolar and child trauma in my late 20s I didn't ask for it my children didn't.I feel such a failure! How can I ever make it up to my kids now in 30 s for witnessing my illness my bad husband choice.I've kept my grandson from it in 13 years so that's something.....I love them all so much 😢❤
I take pride in being the best mother i can be dispite my long history of being the black sheep of the family, i rather speak the truth even when its not in my own favor. One thing ive done as a mother which my parents didnt do with me was , telling my children i love them throughout my day. Quite frankly i dont know why my parents were distant raising me maybe the stress was too much, i often was over looked snd when i started to express my voice from a teenager i was labeled a problem child with major attitude issues. But reality is i was tired of being forgotten about. Now im 34 and both my parents passed away in 2020 im glad as grsndparents they were so much better eith my kids then they were with me but it took me years to be able to not hold s grudge it was when i had my first child and becoming a single mom it really helped me forgive my parents for all the things they made me go thru as a child. Now still a single mom I'm proud to break some generational toxicity. I can't imagine not trying to be a better mom everyday becuz growing up my parents didn't care much about anything.now i want my kids to grow up with s differnt way and tho its REALLY REALLY TOUGH being a single mom becuz i wanted to give my kids a full home with a mom snd dad to lookk up to and not jst single mom always juggling things left and right. I still know im doing something right with them . God bless my kids they have changed my life a 360 degree angle and i jst hope they never forget that i sm their mom and i want the best for them no matter what and my struggles are MY JOURNEY thru life as their MOMMA. And i wouldn't ever change this for anything in the world i love my kids soo much ❤
My mom told me all kinds of inappropriate things that she was doing behind my father‘s back. I would hear them fighting and screaming while I was in my bedroom at night. When I was 17 or 18, my mother tried to kiss me. I asked her what she was doing and she said I always wanted to know what it felt like to kiss a woman totally totally repulsive. Disgusting behavior.
For my father who never could handle me being sensitive. My brother he loves but me? The contact broke off because he was mad i didnt get in touch. How is that the responsibility of the child to seek contact??? Havent been in touch over 10 years and when i saw him again a while ago he still acted like i was invisible. So childish. My mom used me in so many ways, so here i am stuck being a fixer. Neither of my parents are narcissists, though my mum is really mentally ill. Bipolar for one, i suspect. But my uncle is a narcissist. He manipulated, harassed, tormented and played me and mum against each other. It was hell. To him, my mom was the scapegoat, and i was a truthteller. I tried to help my mum, stablize her and but in the end i couldnt win and lost my autonomy and self, which i am currently trying to gather up again. Invisible child, fixer and truthteller - the roles are still there and i slip back sometimes. But im healing. Its a long road, but i am healing.
I think I was the scapegoat for my alcoholic bi-polar mother and the narcissistic supply for my dad, who was my childhood hero. Once I learned to stop crying and to disappear, and younger siblings took over as narcissistic supply, I think I became invisible. Fortunately, I am a twin, and we were always super close, probably enmeshed.
I have had too be all of them.. however im doing the work to deal with my child trauma. And im bigger than that. Ive been hypervegerlant since i was little . Would really like it if your available ti ask a few minutes to ask a couple of questions. Id be greatly appreciated. ❤
Hi, I truly would love your opinion on my situation!! As the Hollidays are approaching! My older sister and I Are only 2.5 years apart in age she is 37 and I am 34.5 years old. She hasn’t treated me well over the years and always has said nasty things to me growing up! I did my best to ignore it and let it just roll off my back. We always celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas ect at my Parents house! My sister has now been married for 10 years now. After being married for a few years she took over doing Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Fathers Day, Ect at her house I don’t get invited so I NO LONGER get to celebrate the holidays with my parents because they go to my sister house for all of the holidays! I sit home alone now on all the Holidays and it absolutely breaks my heart!! I have tried to talk to my parents about how I feel and how it really bothers me. My father’s response to me was you guys don’t get along and she doesn’t like you so why would she invite you! I honestly went silent because I didn’t know how to respond and when I finally did I said so because She feels this way I’m never supposed to Celebrate another Holiday or anything again in my life with you and mom because she doesn’t like me. I said I don’t even know what to even say about that but, we are not 5 we are both adults and it’s not like it is her Birthday or something that would be different if she chose to act this way but, not a big family holiday or mother and Father’s Day or your and moms Birthdays!! And she has started acting this way when I got diagnosed with a brain tumor, then a rare blood clotting disorder and then a rare autoimmune disease. All 3 of my conditions have no cure. My Brain tumor is inoperable, there is no cure for my autoimmune disease. I have to get infusions from a at home nurse every other week for the whole week. Then my blood clotting condition also has no cure I have rare clotting factors in my blood that make me clot a lot. I’m on medication but, there is still no cure. I have spent month and months in the hospital at a time and she never came to see me or even called or texted me to see if I was ok! That’s when she started treating me worse and worse. I have no clue why! I would love to see what others opinions are on this because I am at a complete loss here and just feel heartbroken!! 💔
I was the scapegoat , handmaid and fixer. Third child of five, first daughter of narc father and malicious narc mom. Father had attachment to me and jealous mom hated me for it. I knew as a very young child that I did not have to be like them. No emotional support from either. When i realized that I didn’t have to play those rolls for them, I quit accepting bad behavior. I quit playing the game with them. I was given the titles of alien, living in my own planet, black sheep not conforming to what they thought was proper behavior. I was punished for what others did “if it weren’t for you they would never had done that” so i received the punishment for them. I was punished for made up excuses. I am 70 and I think I am still grounded. Lol. I learned all these things after I married a malicious narcissist, trying to grow while anchored to a sinking ship. Two kids, he took all my money from me and took money i made away. No longer had anything in my name, he stole what i occurred, i had nothing. Took me far from home and friends. If i took kids and a car (in his name) he would have had me charged with theft and kidnapping. I had to wait so long that i became deathly ill. Thats when i quit doing anything for him and he had a junk dealer take what i had left. I had to get better, being that i had to pay attention to me, he raged and started looking for a slave replacement. Good for me as his attention wasn’t much on me. It took five years and taking him to court to force him to sign divorce papers. Meanwhile he maligned my name as expected. I am happy and he is still miserable.
I feel like a prodigal therapist from my childhood I’ve felt the responsibility to tend to adult issues and coach them through it. I’m glad I know now I have a choice to help and when to walk away. It’s nice to be free. 💜 Hey I’m still cute though 😂😂😂
Thirty years ago UA-cam and media such as yours didn’t exist. Thirty years ago I pursued a PhD in psychology just to figure out what the hell kind of family I came from. Back in the day, there was really no other way (not even therapy) to take a deep-dive into identifying NPD and other types of antagonistic personality styles. I spent years and many thousands of dollars to glean HALF of what you provide to your viewers. Dr. Ram, the service you provide to the world is truly invaluable: the healing and worth your content brings is beyond measure. The world thanks you!
💯
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I was the truth teller and scape goat for sure. Finally free from that prison. I have been labeled the “ungrateful child”, “arrogant” “lacking in honor for parents” “selfish” etc, because I chose to make my own choices and stick by them. Finally went my own way. It has been hard, but they have not bothered to reach out and chose to block my number instead. I’m learning to see them through the lens they deserve. They were not a family, but a toxic group that shared my blood but would also shed my blood if they could benefit from it. God help me heal.
Kids should never have to put their own needs aside, just to make their parents happy. They are not tools to fix their parents feelings.
Absolutely
Couldn't agree with you more .....
But so many of us were used as tools.😢
@AminataWo😢😢😢 myods
Yes that is called abuse
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your tireless dedication to helping the survivors of narcissistic abuse. You have and continue to help me so much❤
Being exploited by our parents is unbelievably devastating. I thought I was alone in the confusion of being so many things over the years - for my parents. It's horrible to reflect on the impact it all had on my relationship with my siblings. The expectations changed depending on which parent's home I was in, being in public vs. the home, and over the years as I experienced the grief, shame, and loss of it all, being lost by it all, and as my personality changed. I was the golden child + over-achiever + handmade --> scapegoat --> truth teller --> scapegoat --> invisible.
first I was truth teller (age 11) by 15 - invisible.
Thank you Dr Ramani for validating the experience of us, child-survivors.
Wow, multiple roles shifting over time. No wonder I was confused & depressed. Thank you for this perspective! Went from “golden child fixer” to “truth teller” that’s gone no contact 😅!Freedom at last!
Same here my love 💖 sending you blessings
I'm 45 and feel like I wasted so much of my life because of narcissistic family abuse, and it haunts me every day.
Me too. Im 52
Me, too. also 52.
@@julie200 Solidarity✊️❤
Don't let it! Life is beautiful; you have a chance at authenticity now. Something some people never have❤
I'm 53. I went no contact 4 years ago. Never been happier!
It’s just sad that in our society we are limited in our ability to intervene in narcissist abuse especially with children. I’m 72 and it has taken me all these years to understand better how to cope with narcissistic people. It seems the most effective intervention is education at this point as narcissism is becoming more prevalent and acceptable. I’m so grateful for Dr Ramani’s book and I hope it becomes required reading in every language.
Agreed. I see us not as a "sacrificed" generation but as the generation who will change things for the ones after us. Mold breakers. Generational curse breakers. Light bringers. ❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Over the years, you have educated me. I've been able to navigate life much more informed and eyes wide open you'd say. Bless you.
Narcissistic abuse did bring darkness to our lives, erased us, shaped us and traumatized us. But it also converted us into people who will CHANGE THINGS for the generations to come. We're more that our trauma... We're MOLD BREAKERS. We're GENERATIONAL CURSE BREAKERS. We're LIGHT BRINGERS. ❤
Thanks Dr Ramani for helping me understand the pervasive undercurrent of fear and dread that haunted me until i was in my late 40’s. At 50 i have finally begun to find peace in the pit of my gut, thanks to your kind, patient explanations of my reality. Mum was a cruel, manipulative malignant narcissist with anti social personality disorder. I was fifth of her eight children and now understand the damaged personalities of myself and my siblings. I understand to my very core the unending torment of having been raised without love, compassion, honesty or warmth. My heart aches for the ongoing damage in the lives of my six brothers as they navigated lives believing women were somehow ‘out to get them’ due to her influence. Ive been single for 20 years, having preferred to completely avoid any more conflict in my home. Until i found your channel i thought i was bad or wrong - now i understand i was just drawn to the familiarity of narcissistic men and somehow believed that i really was stupid, lazy, boring, ugly blah blah blah … i finally see the horizon without the dark clouds and its beautiful and peaceful and reassuring. Cheers from Australia
You brought tears to my eyes .. I feel you
@@charisma3814 so much of what you wrote hits home. I too have stayed single for many years for the same reason. All I want is peace and quiet in my home. I really appreciate you sharing this as it makes all of us feel less alone, thank you. I wish you healing and peace. Love from the U.S.
I don’t usually leave comments but Dr Ramani speaks straight to my heart. Thank you both for your replies, it’s comforting to be heard and understood. I’m so sorry you were tormented and abused until you believed you were the cause. Please, know that you have suffered too much already, you deserve to be happy and the kindness you share makes a positive difference in the lives of others. Gotta walk the dogs on this warm Australian morning
They rule the world. We live in a time and society when narscissistic personalities and psychopaths are given the world; they are held up as heroes and children are taught to emulate them, while goodness and empathy are punished and considered deviant. The people that our ancient ancestors used to push out of the village are now in charge of all the money and nuclear weapons.
I hate to say it, but I totally agree with that. I don't know how old you are but I am 71 and I can remember a time when that was not true (at least from a child's perspective). People had self awareness. While I was always an outsider because of all the secrets I carried, it was still comforting to go into a world that seemed sane even if I was only an observer.
Yep due to empathy no doubt!
This really sums it up and I find it scary. Watching it happen in real time.
Good is seen as evil and evil is hailed as good. Sigh. And it’s everywhere, in every country, clime, and place. Sigh.
@ gaslighted , manipulated and lied to ! Ugh!
Double nightmare of two n parents here. Dr. R has succinctly described my entire life up until now with such precision and clarity and decades of emotional, verbal, and financial abuse.
Dr Ramini you are our “Mother Teresa” 🙏🙏🙏
Definitely never felt seen.as a child. It's was a survivor role . Get in where you fit in now finally finding my true self.
Thank you for bringing this topic. My dad was bragging & telling how great I am in public but treating me like garbage & physically abusing at home.
Now I suffer from CPTSD and some extreme narcissistic traits myself.
Narcissistic parents hug the scapegoat child in public and slap the crap out of them in private.
43 years later I still don't like having my face touched. And I flinch when someone's hand is near my face.
Thats me
I was 1 in five daughters that was literally a whipping post for my Mother.
Purposely made late for school. When my dad and sisters were out of the house.
I was locked in a closet, etc.etc.
I realized after listening to you, Dr. That my mother was truly a Narcissist. My Dad was always nowhere to be found.
As an adult I endured three Narcissistic marriages.
I bought your book. I just started it. In hope that I can heal. Through dark childhood moments, my only help was prayer.
That's a sad story, a sad life. I wish you the best as you heal and recover.
I was the scapegoat, while being the Truth Teller!!! As a child I was yelled at and screamed at everyday!!! I was abused Mentally, Physically and Emotionally until I was thirty five years old!!!
The first 2 minutes took my breath away. The layers of roles, changing with maturity ~ Indeed 😮
They will turn their children into indentured servants while verbally and physically abusing them. It’s a horrible existence that continues down through the family unit. I was the scapegoat throughout my whole life and now that I said that I don’t want to care for others, that I finally want to put myself first, I’ve become non-existent in the so called “family dynamic”
Me too
I was the truth teller and scapegoat at home and the golden child in public until I was not. I have a narcissistic mother and had a sociopath of a step father. No contact was the best decision.
Listening to this one, I am not surprised I had so many issues coming into adulthood, my childhood was much as was described. I only just realised, after 60 years, that my mother is a narcissist, and so is my sister (either to a lessor degree, or a bit more covert). I was the invisible child, only visible to get a beating, not for anything I had done, but finally breaking after my sister's non-stop antagonism. Bizarrely, the sister seemed to be the golden child, if she got a B, it was all praise. Meanwhile, my straight-As wouldn't even get acknowledgement. It was like living in Bizzaro Land. Unfortunately, I have to once again live in close proximity to both of them, and count the days until I have the resources to move away again.
I feel you; my experience and age much the same. 👌💕
@@soniahathaway1 When either of them want anything from me, out comes a big lump of emotional blackmail. Because I know it is coming these days, I give them both a blank look.
@@davinasquirrel7672 they are quite mad. My mother discarded me a couple of years ago (once again), because I dared to finish with a wealthy, successful abusive man I had been seeing. my name has been smeared, siblings too trauma bonded to care. I don’t reside close and have made my own family tribe since I was in my twenties so no biggie (but of course one never stops mourning the love of family one never had). I find narcs very sad, jealous people, although they do their best to make others sad. 🤗
DEPRESSION is the result of childhood CPTSD & we get stuck in the grief as well as the shame of family dysfunction. I played just about every role in their playbook & grew up to play many roles with malignant partners. It’s almost impossible to shake the impact of narcissistic parents
Me too
depression is symptom, not result
Our mom abused all 3 of just as much. No one was a favorite, maybe at some times our brother was favored. He’s the weakest and most damaged of us all 3 siblings. She was a drunk, she beat us, she yelled at us constantly. We were so afraid. It was bad. I’m the youngest, she treated me like her servant. She was very mentally ill. She completely ruined all 3 of us. She used me also as her therapist, she would unload all of her worries on me. “How am I going to pay this bill” etc. I was carrying so many burdens as a child. She put the responsibility of raising us on our big sister. She became a narcissist too. My brother is very dangerous. He is the biggest narcissist in the family. I’m terrified of him. My mom was too.
@@Yearite84 thank you for sharing. Wishing you all healing and peace
You've given me a lot of help dealing with the mind-f*** the narcs in my life did/do to me. Thank you.
Born to a family of Narcs...
Dad, Mom, and Sister...
The fact im alive and not in prison is a victory.
Me too
Congrats to both of you. 👏👏👏
I was always talked up to anyone my mother could get to listen, but the second no one was around I was compared to my older sibling and made to feel like I was just made to be a copy of them. If I ever deviated from how they were or fell short of their accomplishments I was made to feel like I had failed at something. She trained me to never be myself while at the same time would tell all of her friends how proud she was of her kids independence.
You give me validation 😢 they don't about this enough and literally exhausted to the point I feel sick and drained.
Dr Ramani your channel is awesome. Thank you for your wisdom. It is so clarifying ❤
Thanks for this clarification. I've indeed had different roles with my covert N mother (scapegoat) and malignant N father (golden child). I never understood this until now. Of course, after I became more independent I sort of became scapegoat for both of them as my father followed my mother's every wish.
Sounds like my family
Next time you see a homeless person, consider what kind of parents they had.
Neglectful Narcissistic Parents need to be held accountable for the Devastating Damage they cause! They are all guilty of Gaslighting which is now a Criminal Offence in Ireland 🇮🇪 ❤❤ Great Video ❤❤ Thank you Dr Ramani
Wouldn't that depend on the age of the homeless person?
Sorry but without any context or personal experience given, one-liners like this show to me, too much black&white thinking. Because in my opinion, you could be a narcissist easily, who 'educated' him/herself on channels like this .... I apologize If I'am wrong ....
@@SylPaperworks Homeless people of all ages come from all walks of life. In my personal experience from working in the heart of skid row for over a decade for a government agency, many of the homeless were young teenagers who were booted out, thrown out or simply ran away from home to get away from their family. The streets quickly welcomed them but was not a safe place and unfortunately took many to a deeper, darker level of despair. That world is black & white.
@@SharonKingston-v3fFinally! I’m so glad to hear this! How can it be proven they were gaslighting since they are masters of denial and deception?
Purple and red in the last section! You made me very happy, there, Dr. Ramani. 😁
I was an only child of two narcissistic parents (dad was a grandiose and mom was a covert). I played all the roles and was thrown into them randomly and without warning.
Me too
Same here
Then you throw in the sibling so you got to deal with three. Thank God I'm still standing
Every one in my extended family on both sides are narcissitic or enablers, except me and one cousin. She's an anxious wreck, I am very very angry now I finally know what they were and what they did.
My condolences.
Jezzzzzz Dr Ramani! Already in the first moment, sounds like u would have lived with us (my family). Yep,I've been the golden child for my dad (he treated my brother worse,as I was dancing on eggshell for him) and I'm the scapegoat for my mom and literally ran away from the country even. I can not tell u Dr Ramani,how thankful I am for you, for the years of support and validating my feelings (that it's not me,and I'm not completely nuts). I'm not religious but still say: God bless you, u are our savior
Dr Ramani Thank You So Much for The Wisdom n Healing! I am just now realizing I am a Surviver of Narcissistic Abuse my whole Life. Ive been talking to my surport people and they keep invalidating my feelings. Telling me im takin a deep dive into this narcissistic information n im not a Dr. But i said that u r a Dr. Thank You for givin tools i need
"...If you came from a narcissistic family of origin, you existed in a singular capacity...you became an optimal narcissistic supply delivery device..." You nailed it, Dr. Ramani. Thank you for acknowledging the complex and devastating impact this has on us throughout our lives. We're hard on ourselves and forget where we came from and what we went through as children. I was sad all the time. I had happy moments, but overall, I was just sad. Oftentimes, my teachers bothered to notice and tell me I should smile more, "You look prettier when you smile." That just really solidified the reality of it, one from which I sought escape. I always had a book to read, often supplied by my malignant narcissist father, as if to intentionally isolate me by having me engaged in activities that kept me occupied in a world of my own. Not building the relationships that might take me away from being as easily exploited by him.
@@erinward2983 wow. Im feeling this. Of all the things I ever asked for, I was showered with books. I was always sad too. As a child in elementary school, Id spend entire weekends alone in my room reading. I never really thought about how convenient that was for my narcissist parents. Thanks for sharing. I hope you find healing and peace.
Lying to children is more damaging than telling a child, your dad and mom are arguing because Daddys got an addiction and is hurting himself and hurting mommy. When children don't know, it makes things very scary and leaves them completely Powerless and scared.
When I was growing up, my mother was bi polar, Histrionic and Borderline. The arguments in the house and even attacks on me were crazy making and heartbreaking. NO ONE told me that my mother is mentally ill. They left it up to the child to figure things out. It was a loooooong and EXCRUCIATINGLY painful road. I would NEVER do that to a child. EVER
I can only empathise with your situation as distressingly I am an alienated father whose daughter is going through what you previously endured. Her mother describes to a tee what your mother is.
I hope your road to recovery gets better with time. I feel that my daughter now is an extension of her mother. Not sure she will ever find out.
Hearing this from someone other than the voice in my own mind leaves me utterly speechless. For so long, I’ve learned to stay silent about this reality, knowing even colleagues and fellow clinicians often fail to grasp the depth of this oscillating, layered experience. Thank you for courageously sharing your truths, which resonate so deeply with many of ours.
Adding the weight of religious trauma to this, the shame of being labeled the “strong-willed child” for simply advocating for others only magnified the pain and isolation. Navigating the multilayered abuses embedded in those systems has carved out wounds and nuances that often feel unspeakable. Your words hold space for a shared ache that too often goes unspoken. 🧘🏾♀️🫂🪷
@Dr.jaymievanmeter7200 : This vastly resonates with me. Very well articulated!
@deemaysie6568 im both in grief about reading this. I am grateful that you may feel seen too. Thank you for connecting with me on this. 🫂♥️
I have followed you since 2years and l must say you really have empowered me so much and added meaning to my extended family dynamics and how it impacted all aspects of my life. I have been very mindful with my children GOD BLESS YOU SO MUCH.
I feel like crying hearing the part about parent using then discarding child.
Not just helping ourselves, I'm just glad this disorder is being talked about so we can identify and help others around us. Now I'm far more likely to notice a child dealing with this.
Not to be a downer, but as someone targeted for being a truth teller at work, school, etc, there is an old German fairy tale where an Elven king has all these magical daughters but each has something wrong. There is one daughter who says, "I always tell the truth, which no one wants to hear, so I have already woven my funeral shroud."
I grew up with two narcissistic parents, one who has a phd in psychology. This video came up on my feed in perfect timing. Thank you!
Thank you for your videos. :) I grew up scapegoated, but in public I was the "good daughter," as I sang in church with my mom, made good grades, and did most of the housework. I even took notes for her when I was homeschooled and she was in college. But at home, I couldn't do anything right. Especially believing in the things I was told I had to believe in. Of course, if my sense of worth is dependant on believing what she did, I had to choose the truth for myself eventually. I'm more witchy. I guess I'll burn forever. At least I won't have the coldness of emotional isolation. ;)
I’m blown away how easily I am still triggered. I know some wounds will never heal. My abuse started before I even turned two. I was the truth teller who was required to be invisible. Later in life being trauma bonded until the narc died I was the scapegoat. In my early 50s I wanted to know wtf is wrong with me. Everything was about my father to the point of me taking on his paranoia. My paranoia died when he died.
Anyway I met a lady almost 90 told me a whole narc story. First narc encounter she ever had! Wow- the whole jest a caretaker for her husband befriended her tried to make the husband look bad and her incompetent. Thank goodness a doctor stepped in and up! This lady had no idea these narcissists even exist. ❤ bless her
I was hoping for this type of content. You articulated the feelings of so many survivors of this particular type of narcissistic abuse so well. Thank you for all the work that you are doing in this area.
Ma’am, you are such a great psychologist! Thank you so much for doing what you do! ❤ May God protect and guard you every single day! ❤ I don’t have nor do I want to say much here on UA-cam, just am thankful and grateful.
You know what? Hell yeah, lady, I am absolutely more than one of these for sure. You rock.
Christine Albright
Brilliant video 🙏...
Thank you 🙏...
Small caveat: SOME children DO understand at a very early age that the parents aren't right, that the parents are dangerous, abusive, doing wrong. Those children do NOT blame themselves, they try to fix the parents though, they try to teach the parents. It doesn't work of course, so then they just focus on growing up and getting out.
@@harmonyvaneaton4101 I wasnt one of those children, unfortunately. But I appreciate what you've said because it gives me hope that for some children maybe less damage will done. I pray this is the case for my neices and nephew.
I was the truth teller, Scapegoat, and fixer to my narcissistic mother.
I was the truth teller, fixer, a favorite to my dad who I don't believe was a Narcissist. Later, my mother had him to believe I was the "problem" but he learned the truth right before he passed. Then I was just the Scapegoat to my mother.
My mother was physically abusive to my brother & I. She scared the hell out of us.
I feel like I had so many roles. Scapegoat, invisible child, truth teller, golden child. I was only a golden child in public. I was a truth teller because that's my personality. I was often told I was so negative and pessimistic because I was telling the truth about something. Of course, my mother ignored how pessimistic and negative she always has been. I was a scapegoat if I complained about anything, literally anything. I was told I was too picky or too sensitive or my expectations were too high of others. I took all of this criticism to heart and settled into the role of invisible child. I did it so well that when I did finally get fed up on occasion and mention that some comment hurt or crossed my boundaries, I was basically treated like the toaster in Dr. Ramani's stories. How dare I (the toaster) have feelings of any kind. How absolutely ridiculous. I don't know how to shed any of this without help. I can say that after going to a pretty good psychologist for years that typical psychology doesn't cover narcissistic abuse very well. I was told not too long ago that now that I recognize the abuse, I should be able to just call it out or walk away from it. I actually said, please tell that to every battered woman in existence (lol, that's my truth telling side). I don't get the impression that it's common to "just walk away" from abuse, but I did get the feeling that my therapist is basically tired of hearing me complain. Best of luck to everyone here.
Dr Ramani where were you all my childhood? 🙂❤️
It's such a relief and confirmation to hear this from someone of my mother's age when all my life I've been treated like a 3 y old idiot who could not wipe their nose
I always lived in this distorted reality thinking I was stupid, they knew better, all mothers beat their kids, call them names, terrorize them, condition them into some ideal and punish them to become better because that is "LOVE"
Realizing that there were always healthy mothers who knew better Children who didn't have to struggle through hell Today's adults who are confident and smooth through life is so painful
Remembering the terror and anxiety my childhood was is killing me How stupid and unnecessary 😭
You don't know what you don't know, right?
I was the scapegoat and truth teller. I went no contact years ago, but I often find I end up in "toxic" work situations. My truth telling hasn't been squashed and it's painful and very difficult to manage things now that I'm all grown up.
The memory of multi-tasking and wearing multiple hats fills my childhood. My biological family is a distant memory now. Everything Dr. Rami says about narc parents is so personal to me because I have experienced most of them in private and public: scapegoat, truth teller, the invisible, handmaids, fixers, etc. Authenticity literally saved my life once I accepted myself as who I am. It was a tough journey and at times I thought I wasn't going to make it.
Dr. Ramani ,you saved me and I'm forever grateful. It took me a year and a half to finally leave but it's now been two weeks. If I didn't have your channel to listen to I would have been still confused and I would of given up . I kept trying to leave but I loved him so much I'd go back after multiple infidelities. You never made me feel judged and that was the reason that I would feel it was ok to try again. This is the longest I've been away from him but I feel that any progress is progress . Your videos are my lifeline and I will continue to hold on
22:04 "...another one is that they become completely detached and disinterested once you hit adulthood." Or they were *never* interested or attached to you. 😟 I felt guilty for YEARS that I went no contact with my mother in early adulthood. It's only now looking back that I realize she went no contact with ME first when we were in the same house! 🥺 It's only now that I see that it's capital A ABUSE to never talk to a child and scowl whenever they leave their room 'til they learn not to speak, not to have needs, not to DO or BE in *any* way that causes a ripple in the world. Even plants need soil, water, and sunlight to grow! 🌱 May all of us get the nurturing we need, even if we have to give it to ourselves. 💖
🌈🌿😃💐🍀
i never thought about the whole two different roles thing with my parents. i was the invisible child for my dad, and the scapegoat for my mom. and that's probably why i hate taking up space as a person, and blame myself for everything.
Truth teller and scapegoat to an unbelievably narcissistic mother who could be a whole different person in front of others
Hi from scapegoat. Both parents were narcissists as well as my kid sister. I was invisible. Too 'capable' to get any help. My appendicitis was just an attempt to get 'attention'. My broken wrist could be fixed by washing dishes. I got out of the house after having my appendix surgery. I was a teenager at the time.
😢
@kayastarlove hi. I built a good life. It was really hard, but I have faith in myself and abilities. I made many mistakes along the way, but have 2 wonderful sons, 2 adorable cats and am grateful for every day I have. I forgave my parents to be able to let go. They had real difficulties in life which warped their coping mechanisms. That understanding helped me. Thank you for caring.
@@irmabickerstaff7734 Thanks so much for sharing
I call it sadistic, because my parents enjoyed their power and my dependency.
I was the truth-teller and scapegoat, and my 14-months-older sister was the golden child, or as I've always thought of it, the Queen in Waiting. The ground would shift, tilt, and get pulled out from under me in a nano-second, without reason or warning with my parents, and sister, my core family. After not "getting it" for decades I finally "saw it" and understood what was going on, thanks to Dr. Ramani and others. I called my threesome family, the Trifecta of Evil, and went No Contact, with all of the hell that that entails with the flying monkeys all around in every direction battering me. The only time my mother's attention would come my way and she'd be nice or attentive towards me was when she would say to me, "I'm SO MAD at your sister!!". When the "mad" was over, she was no longer interested in me, and any gift/s that she gave me during these "Oh, mom DOES love me" times, she demanded that I give them back to her, and demanded that it be "RIGHT NOW!" It was always hurtful hell. It was like living in a Tilt-A-Whirl" environment.
Thank you again Dr. Ramani. I will share some personal things with you today, as I would like to express to someone how I see through my past and have found some healing. I can understand that I may be feeding other's malicious psychological intentions but I don't care about them and My life is mine to improve.
Before I had died at three, I was being emotionally, psychologically and sexually abused. After I had died I somehow had the consciousness to fight back, but that meant that I would initially go into a flailing tantrum so my abuser would get away. I never hurt my friends, animals, sibling or even my enemies. After my death, I knew what it was to hurt and never wanted them to feel that. I have had some great loving relationships with friends and women. I have also taken several years of martial arts so I could learn to be close to others and control my emotions through movements that could even be dangerous.
I was the scapegoat, fixer, emotional/psychological punching bag to one parent and a Joy to the other. The one who loved me, would still enable the one who didn't. This left me holding deep contempt for the one I loved.
I grew up in a small town and my narcissistic parent would say things to my friends and others that would cause them to look at me with disgust at even a young age. To a child. It was as the whole world hated me, even though I hadn't done anything wrong. Enough for today. Thanks again.
Steven Hall
I was the Scapegoat and Truthteller
Me too. How’s your mental health? Mine not so great
I have that at work 😂. Invisible, scapegoat, handmaid, fixer at home as a child, but never the golden child. Wierdly I was a truth teller Outside the family structure. I married a DVer and continued as scapegoat handmaid. I stayed a fixer for my parents and family. I still am.
I was the golden child as a kid and my sister was the scapegoat but I called my mom out for treating us differently then I became the scapegoat and my sister took my place
When I look back on my relationship with my Mother and Elder Brother I always felt he was the favourite. If I showed my Mother affection or confidence in growing up as a Teenager I felt she didn't approve. Then when the time came where I showed interest in the opposite sex she became aggressive in tone. I found out in later years that she'd had a bad impoverished childhood and that I had been the result of an affair, but I now realise that her history were no excuse for being made to feel unworthy or devalued. 🍒
As a child I was the golden child. High achiever so my mother fed off of that supply to build her ego. Then as an adult I tried to "fix" the family by identifying the problems that were mostly hers, so I became the truth teller then scapegoat. She unloaded all of her emotional distress on me as a child. Even as a child, one time I had the cognizance to realize I was too young to be able to understand her adult level stress. She was always unloading on me her hatred towards our dad and wanting to divorce him. I spoke up when I was around nine years old one time and she unhinged her jaw and devoured me for "talking back". I just retreated back into myself. I had no power.
Definitely an extension of my parents.
Paralysing is very accurate. I had both parents who were narcissists 😢. I was the golden child growing up and my older sister the scapegoat. When I was 24 years old I went back to live at my parents house with my husband and I became the scapegoat as I wouldn’t agree with everything they said. When my daughter was born 24 years ago she became the golden child and I became the invisible one and still the scapegoat. Unfortunately I have been unable to keep a relationship going more than 10 years. Since watching your videos I have come to realise that I have been love bombed at the start of the relationships and when things go bad and their real personality comes out I have held on thinking things would change and I must be doing something wrong. Always thinking it’s all my fault which has been a pattern I learnt in childhood from my mother. I’ve gone on to re-enact it over and over again in adulthood and I am in a narcissistic relationship right now. I’m disabled and he is my carer so leaving is more complicated than if I was working with my own income and could get accommodation easily, which in the uk right now is near impossible to do. The damage caused by narcissistic parents is absolutely horrendous.
The bragging part is humiliating, sometimes even decades later. New frontiers in stretching the truth. Do parents get so addicted to having the upper-hand that they don't realize that one day the kid will be the adult, well beyond them, and that the things they said and did will come to light and be that parent's real legacy? The currency of gossip makes insecure, disloyal people them feel super powerful.
Combination of gold child truth teller.
I am in therapy because of this , I have 😊was the product of 2alchoholic parents growing ill and the care taker of both. My sister was the golden child. Had to keep it his a secret my whole childhood. My parents are passed away now. This behavior has continued throughout my adulthood. My life has been pure hell, and now uik disabled and with a narcacist, partner, I’ve disowned my sister and her children, who are all gaslighters. My own adult daughter, gaslights me. I’m on my own.
Thankyou Dr.Ramini I love watching all your videos they help me so much. Looking forward to buying your book
Thank you Doc, i think anyone should really consider buying your book even if only symbolically if they have been through it... Have a great day.
Truth teller. Still am. But I enjoy that. I enjoy being genuine and authentic.
My ex turned her kids into her and the worst part is she knew what she was doing.
I was the invisible child during my childhood and am now the Golden Child in adulthood because my narcissistic siblings are now estranged and my narcissistic parents need help from me. I see it for what it is and recognize that my value is not determined by my parents but by MYSELF.
I have yet to hear about my situation: an only child in a single-parent household with a narcissistic mother. I was subject to expectations of perfection coupled with unending criticism, denigration and jealousy.
We do the opposite of mum n dad and fail we jump into being like them and fail.school didn't teach ud how.I got bipolar and child trauma in my late 20s I didn't ask for it my children didn't.I feel such a failure! How can I ever make it up to my kids now in 30 s for witnessing my illness my bad husband choice.I've kept my grandson from it in 13 years so that's something.....I love them all so much 😢❤
Dear Dr. Ramani
Your insight and expertise is very much appreciated!
Please include the link to the article which you reference.
I take pride in being the best mother i can be dispite my long history of being the black sheep of the family, i rather speak the truth even when its not in my own favor. One thing ive done as a mother which my parents didnt do with me was , telling my children i love them throughout my day. Quite frankly i dont know why my parents were distant raising me maybe the stress was too much, i often was over looked snd when i started to express my voice from a teenager i was labeled a problem child with major attitude issues. But reality is i was tired of being forgotten about. Now im 34 and both my parents passed away in 2020 im glad as grsndparents they were so much better eith my kids then they were with me but it took me years to be able to not hold s grudge it was when i had my first child and becoming a single mom it really helped me forgive my parents for all the things they made me go thru as a child. Now still a single mom I'm proud to break some generational toxicity. I can't imagine not trying to be a better mom everyday becuz growing up my parents didn't care much about anything.now i want my kids to grow up with s differnt way and tho its REALLY REALLY TOUGH being a single mom becuz i wanted to give my kids a full home with a mom snd dad to lookk up to and not jst single mom always juggling things left and right. I still know im doing something right with them . God bless my kids they have changed my life a 360 degree angle and i jst hope they never forget that i sm their mom and i want the best for them no matter what and my struggles are MY JOURNEY thru life as their MOMMA. And i wouldn't ever change this for anything in the world i love my kids soo much ❤
People need HOPE! It would help most families.
It took 14 years after her passing for my mother to bring a message through a spiritual medium 'I'm sorry'.
My mom told me all kinds of inappropriate things that she was doing behind my father‘s back. I would hear them fighting and screaming while I was in my bedroom at night. When I was 17 or 18, my mother tried to kiss me. I asked her what she was doing and she said I always wanted to know what it felt like to kiss a woman totally totally repulsive. Disgusting behavior.
For my father who never could handle me being sensitive. My brother he loves but me? The contact broke off because he was mad i didnt get in touch. How is that the responsibility of the child to seek contact???
Havent been in touch over 10 years and when i saw him again a while ago he still acted like i was invisible. So childish.
My mom used me in so many ways, so here i am stuck being a fixer.
Neither of my parents are narcissists, though my mum is really mentally ill. Bipolar for one, i suspect.
But my uncle is a narcissist. He manipulated, harassed, tormented and played me and mum against each other. It was hell.
To him, my mom was the scapegoat, and i was a truthteller.
I tried to help my mum, stablize her and but in the end i couldnt win and lost my autonomy and self, which i am currently trying to gather up again.
Invisible child, fixer and truthteller - the roles are still there and i slip back sometimes. But im healing.
Its a long road, but i am healing.
"Suffer the Children" by Tears for Fears
Thank you, Dr Ramani.
Would you also please address the (vulnerable) single, narcissistic mother of an invisible, truth-telling, lone child dynamic?
I think I was the scapegoat for my alcoholic bi-polar mother and the narcissistic supply for my dad, who was my childhood hero. Once I learned to stop crying and to disappear, and younger siblings took over as narcissistic supply, I think I became invisible. Fortunately, I am a twin, and we were always super close, probably enmeshed.
These videos have helped me so much
Three: mother, step-father, and step-mother. In two families, three siblings. I've never heard of a role that I didn't have at some point.
Could you talk about the role of "conditioning" "punishment and reward", and what role that plays with narcissism? thank you!!!👍❤
I have had too be all of them.. however im doing the work to deal with my child trauma. And im bigger than that. Ive been hypervegerlant since i was little . Would really like it if your available ti ask a few minutes to ask a couple of questions. Id be greatly appreciated. ❤
Golden child, fixer, scape goat fit me... Fixer is the main role of my wife in her family
Hi, I truly would love your opinion on my situation!! As the Hollidays are approaching! My older sister and I Are only 2.5 years apart in age she is 37 and I am 34.5 years old. She hasn’t treated me well over the years and always has said nasty things to me growing up! I did my best to ignore it and let it just roll off my back. We always celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas ect at my Parents house!
My sister has now been married for 10 years now. After being married for a few years she took over doing Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Fathers Day, Ect at her house I don’t get invited so I NO LONGER get to celebrate the holidays with my parents because they go to my sister house for all of the holidays! I sit home alone now on all the Holidays and it absolutely breaks my heart!!
I have tried to talk to my parents about how I feel and how it really bothers me. My father’s response to me was you guys don’t get along and she doesn’t like you so why would she invite you! I honestly went silent because I didn’t know how to respond and when I finally did I said so because She feels this way I’m never supposed to Celebrate another Holiday or anything again in my life with you and mom because she doesn’t like me.
I said I don’t even know what to even say about that but, we are not 5 we are both adults and it’s not like it is her Birthday or something that would be different if she chose to act this way but, not a big family holiday or mother and Father’s Day or your and moms Birthdays!!
And she has started acting this way when I got diagnosed with a brain tumor, then a rare blood clotting disorder and then a rare autoimmune disease. All 3 of my conditions have no cure. My Brain tumor is inoperable, there is no cure for my autoimmune disease. I have to get infusions from a at home nurse every other week for the whole week. Then my blood clotting condition also has no cure I have rare clotting factors in my blood that make me clot a lot. I’m on medication but, there is still no cure.
I have spent month and months in the hospital at a time and she never came to see me or even called or texted me to see if I was ok! That’s when she started treating me worse and worse. I have no clue why!
I would love to see what others opinions are on this because I am at a complete loss here and just feel heartbroken!! 💔
I was the scapegoat , handmaid and fixer. Third child of five, first daughter of narc father and malicious narc mom. Father had attachment to me and jealous mom hated me for it. I knew as a very young child that I did not have to be like them. No emotional support from either. When i realized that I didn’t have to play those rolls for them, I quit accepting bad behavior. I quit playing the game with them. I was given the titles of alien, living in my own planet, black sheep not conforming to what they thought was proper behavior. I was punished for what others did “if it weren’t for you they would never had done that” so i received the punishment for them. I was punished for made up excuses. I am 70 and I think I am still grounded. Lol. I learned all these things after I married a malicious narcissist, trying to grow while anchored to a sinking ship. Two kids, he took all my money from me and took money i made away. No longer had anything in my name, he stole what i occurred, i had nothing. Took me far from home and friends. If i took kids and a car (in his name) he would have had me charged with theft and kidnapping. I had to wait so long that i became deathly ill. Thats when i quit doing anything for him and he had a junk dealer take what i had left. I had to get better, being that i had to pay attention to me, he raged and started looking for a slave replacement. Good for me as his attention wasn’t much on me. It took five years and taking him to court to force him to sign divorce papers. Meanwhile he maligned my name as expected. I am happy and he is still miserable.
I'm scapegoat for both parents. And also take on other roles once in a while
I feel like a prodigal therapist from my childhood I’ve felt the responsibility to tend to adult issues and coach them through it. I’m glad I know now I have a choice to help and when to walk away. It’s nice to be free. 💜 Hey I’m still cute though 😂😂😂
Yes, this is me Thank you