Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents - With Dr Lindsay C. Gibson
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- Опубліковано 15 тра 2024
- Childhood trauma may include having a parent or caregiver that does not have the capacity to feel outside of their own experience. Growing up with a parent that is emotionally immature is heartbreaking, frustrating and devastating all at the same time. Dr. Gibson puts language to what many of us have felt but could not verbalize.
Dr. Gibson has been a psychologist for over thirty years, working in both public and private practice. In the past, she has served as an adjunct assistant professor in Clinical Psychology, teaching doctoral students clinical theory and psychotherapeutic techniques. Dr. Gibson is the author of four books: Who You Were Meant to Be, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents and Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Honor Your Emotions, Nurture Your Self & Live With Confidence. Lindsay’s book “ Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents” prompted me to reach out to her to ask her more.
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#emotional #immature #parenting #relationaltrauma #relationship #family #trauma #healing #selfcare #boundaries #support #safety #mentalhealth #wellness #traumainformed #narcissist #selfcare #selfregulation #anxiety
My father summed it up telling me my problem is that I’m just not loveable. My mother agreed. I was 45 years old and had spent years in therapy. In that moment I realized two things- I am more mature than either of my parents. And neither of them really know what love is.
wow totally unfair. Sorry that happened to you. Is it possible that they were projecting their own problems and self-doubt onto you?
Hope you got away from them.
Same but it was in the words “you’re a nothing-you NEED to know that” and mother saying nothing but standing by him. Sick people
My response is fuck them they are arrogant and self serving.
❤
On the outside my parents looked normal but behind closed doors I was being raised by forever 4 yr olds. By the time I was 10 I knew I was more mature than them but yet I was trapped being dictated to by 4 yr olds. I am 56 yrs old and its amazing I am functional at all.
That’s my story too. Lat year I finally decided to cut contact with my mother. She was also physically very abusive toward me and my sibling during childhood. For decades I tried to keep the peace with her, while she did nothing to keep the peace with me. One day a therapist asked me if I felt loyalty to my mother and that made me realise that I really don’t owe my abuser any loyalty, it was more like a trauma bond all along. I wasn’t rude or nasty but I let her know that I had decided to go no contact with her and wished her well. For the last year, I’ve actually had space to really process all that happened in my childhood. It’s brought up grief and there’s a loss of hope for a happier childhood and a happier future relationship with her, but now I have a staring point to rebuild, grieve and move on… At last. It’s sad it came to that, but I’m also feeling a freedom from the chains that had kept me down in that dynamic with her. Good luck to you x
I had that sense of deep loneliness.
Credit us due here, definitely give it to yourself.
Really 👏!
Omg so relatable with how the child has to never rock the boat, or the stressed out parent quickly becomes all high strung and stiff. The parentified child learns to people please to stay safe. So that's where my fawn- type personality originated.
The best way to manage the relationship to them: zero contact.
Indeed. I've had to do that with my parents (my mom the emotionally abusive one, and my dad the emotionally absent one).
I have emotional scars from those times still, but in recent times if I have moments where certain repressed memories come back I learn to not push them away. Embracing and understanding them is the key to recovery.
It’s hard because they are your parents. And they are going to die. And you don’t want regrets. So you keep them around.
@@user-oc3lc1sx8m It’s very hard.♥I told my lovely husband that I feel like I might not cry when my parents die, but just be relieved. It’s a horrible thought cause then I think what’s wrong with me, am I a monster? But I cried and cried when my grandparents died, so I know I can love just fine. My grandparents didn’t even “know” me that much, it’s not like they played with me or anything, but they were around and kind and didn’t dump their problems on me. For that I loved them like crazy. My own parents have parentified me since childhood and I just feel empty with nothing left to give.
My mum died and so much drama went with her. And contact with other toxic people
@@lilstars5599 was her death catha my parents are still alive and I feel when they pass or I pass, that it will be painful because of the reality that never was.
I was raised by emotionally immature parents and when I had my own child, I panicked. I realized I was a total mess: anxious and emotionally immature and still am immature. I've been in therapy for years, dealing with my anxiety and learning how to be a better mom, but I have to say, it's a constant growth opportunity for me. I regularly come across things with my own child that stump me. I just had no roadmap on how to 'adult' and I've been working hard to learn it on my own as I go. Dr. Gibson is a beacon!
Both of my parents come from homes with abusive mother figures and kind/loving fathers with their own issues (one was an active alcoholic, and the other was gone working all the time). Unfortunately, this rings so true. My parents love me and would charge into hell with a water pistol for me, but I never knew which parent I was getting. Kind and funny Daddy or vicious and scary Daddy? Happy and sweet Mama or angry and manipulative Mama? Hurt people hurt people, I know, but it's just... I shouldn't have been the family counselor at 6, 7, 8 years old. I shouldn't have had to be the one to say, "Wait wait wait. There's other possible reasons for them doing that. Let's not jump to conclusions without any information," or "Be patient with the drive through attendants at Burger King. They're trying their best. Smile at them instead," or "Please don't talk about my sister like that. Not to me."
I bawled through this whole video while my normal as apple pie husband stroked my back. Thank you so much. I finally feel -seen-.
Prayers for you❤ it sounds like you're on a good path for healing.
Food for thought... I bet your grandmother's didn't think that their husband's were kind and loving 😕 not emotionally available (silent treatment/no communication/no problem resolution skills) is just as toxic and damaging and abusive as the abuse you saw in your grandmother's. Its just covert, not as obvious. I would even venture out to say that there was probably manipulation, gaslighting and invalidating from your grandpa's towards your grandmas... and probably disrespect coming from both directions.
My thoughts coming from my own experiences unfortunately.
Wow yes, my thoughts exactly. Well said. Thank you ❤.
Wow.
Off topic: I like your style of writing.
Oh my goodness some of your story spoke directly to me, always feeling why it’s up to me to get my parents properly socialized. Shouldn’t it have been them showing me how to get along peacefully in the world?
Healing ❤️🩹 continues until your last breath. Thank God for UA-cam & Dr. Lindsey for her body of work. I still cry & grieve at 62 b/c I never had healthy relationships with my parents. 😢. Still hurts.
Stonewalling to avoid facing shame and mortification is narcissistic behavior.
I think it goes from generation to generation.. Not being comfortable with closeness.. Closeness is a natural urge but we are also social beings internalizing the values and patterns of our family... I have longed for closeness my whole life but at the same time I have avoided it... Very sad.. A deep routed longing and fear of closeness.
Great conversation. As a therapist the Emotionally Immature Parent is the bible. Dr. Gibson is a national treasure.
No, she is an international treasure.
Makes me so sad. NO, NPD do NOT change. If they reach out about estrangement, it's only that they want their supply back not because they finally acknowledged the damage they did to warrant it.
Typing through my tears... An ENORMOUS bubble of emotion just came up in me as I listened to Dr. Gibson talk about the Still Face Experiment and how an infant actively tries to reengage their mother. Obviously I cannot remember my infancy, but this had to have happened to me. I had to have buried it deep in my subconscious to have this strong of a reaction to hearing Dr, Gibson's words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for conducting and posting the interview. The more I clean out of my subconscious, the better!
❤️
I always imagine in my mind how I’m going to nicely say whatever I know my mother in law will not be agreeable to, but when I state it, she always responds different than how I practiced in my head that it might turn out. She can never accept anything other than what she wants of me. I think she thinks I was born for her to control. Once I started just not being afraid of her, and told her frankly and firmly what I was going to do or not do, she started getting quiet and not arguing as much. I know she takes her anger to others about me not giving into every desire she has, now rather than to me, because she can’t control me. The older I’ve gotten I feel proud of myself to not let myself be controlled by her. She leaves me alone for the most part now and is focused on others. Once a month she’ll reach out to see if she can start something new but I’ve made myself unavailable. It’s sad because I truly love her and always wanted a close relationship with her but it was only close on her terms if I believed exactly like her And she could intimidate me to always be submissive to her every whim. After 30 years I’m over it.
Sounds like you and she are in a power struggle. She may be jealous that her child loves you and married you...she's possessive about her child and expects that she since she controlled him she's thus entitled to control you too. She is too frightened to admit that he and you are adults whom no one is entitled to control. She's mainly comfortable in a controlling maternal role and doesn't want to grow. So anything you say, she disagrees automatically because she is scared that her child loves you and therefore might abandon her or not need her anymore. She probably has no other main interests or roles in life except being a parent. She is frozen or lazy emotionally. She's in a lonely place.
How to overcome her resistance? If you still want to try, consider bonding with her in a favorite pastime like cooking, gardening, needlework, walking, or anything that interests you both. Ask her advice or opinions. She may be suspicious for awhile. Try gentle sincere compliments too, and perhaps thoughtful small gifts or cards. If you can gently compliment her in front of others, that can be helpful. Be patient. Try not to respond or engage if she tries to do the power struggle. Smile gently as if you thought she was joking, for example. Make a point of sharing your spouse an any grandchildren in an activity with her. Be patient, and good luck.
Bravo, courageous one!
I feel like I have to suppress my strength around my Dad. Like I have to be submissive to make my Dad not feel threatened. Did you feel this way around your mother-in-law?
I can sooo relate to this….
"Old soul" here. I feel like I've lost myself in ensuring that the household is calm and effective. I know that both my parents were not ready to be parents when they had my sibling and I, and I hold some resentment to them. The rest of my life has been difficult making genuine connections with people and deeper more connective relationships. Within the family and extended family I would lash out. I was considered the problem child because my behaviors drew attention to the negative things happening in my life(which was never acknowledged or discussed). In turn, I was viewed by other members of extended family as a "brat". As the person I've become and am continuing to discover today, I have found that standing my ground and holding firm with my boundaries have helped maintain a more healthy relationship with them. Never hold onto toxic relationships, no matter the connection you may have with them. It is painful, but in the end, if it is harmful to your well-being and personal development it is not worth the destress, trauma or shame that comes with it. Of course, do not make these decisions lightly and if you have access to mental health supports use them to help you make these decisions.
Old soul = parentified child
Old soul ? Says who?
This video has made me cry. But it also has given me so much peace and soothing. Thanks so much.
I spent 50 yrs saying why can't they see...well they can't see. So you can only manage them not hope they see. Just saved myself life of suffering.
very wise approach... i understand it, still it's so so painful... kind regards
Takes a long time to take personal responsibility for our OWN happiness….regardless of others. We are all responsible for our own inner world. We are not here to please others.🙏💙
It reminds me of a Disney movie where someone was described as emotionally constipated. That's been my experience. It never goes anywhere and it's like hanging out in a kiddie pool when you want to dive in and see and express much more than the veneer of life.
I had to take care of my egg donor from a very early age. First, by having no needs or stuffing them and then physically cooking cleaning, shopping etc. If you did speak up, she was intentionally vicious. I didnt come into my own until she passed. I learn more everyday and this is like mana from heaven. Thank you.
Oh yes. Emotional loneliness indeed. Story of my life, sadly 😞
Big Hugs to you sister ❤
The lack we experience, that our mind and bodily tells us about, is a lack of vocabulary to express what we are feeling. Outwardly we are told we are wrong for the feelings we have. And we don't have words to realistically express ourselves inwardly. This stuff really should be taught in elementary. Give children a vocabulary so they don't have to suffer in silence.
It should be taught in elementary !! 😮
My father was a violent narc, my mother a weak, socially inept enabler. I was their mediator from a young age, trying to keep them on an even keel as the slightest thing would set them off. I was also, without realising it, my mother's therapist for many years. I was conditioned to always put others first (mainly my parents, but others too if it meant it made the family look good)- to the extent that i had the belief that if it was hurting then it must be doing me good. I married out of one dysfunctional family into another where the roles were reversed - the mother was the manipulative controlling one, but covert rather than overt like my father, & her husband was the weak enbler. My husband & i were the scapegoats, both our brothers were the golden child. My mil hated me for taking her 'little boy' away from her & made sure the same thing wouldn't happen with her other son so he never had a life but was strapped to her until the day she died. She would sulk, withdraw & act like a child in the playground over the slightest thing & if she couldn't get her own way, which meant she generally did, whereas my father would yell, slam doors, bang & crash things, lash out with his fists, as well as sulk for weeks. My mental & physical health got worse & worse as the years went by with having to deal with the ridiculous immature behaviours of both sets of parents, dealing with my husband who was still very mother-enmeshed, & trying to raise my young daughter in a completeky different way to that in which we were raised so she didn't have the insufferable problems we had when growing up. I was also very bullied right the way through school & even in college so never knew what i'd be walking into at the start or end of the day. My daughter was in danger of becoming like my mil & golden child brother combined & started to reject me & side with her father who was afraid to upset her in any way (like he was with his mother) so he gave into her every whim & wish. I had terrible bouts of depression, anxiety, & panic attacks. In the end, my brain & body just gave up & completely broke down - i couldn't get out of bed for three years. I was diagnosed with M.E., fibromyalgia, & eventually cptsd. Most of the abusers in my life have now pased away, the so called 'friends' i thought i had in my adult life who i now realised were also narcisists, have moved on as i outlived my usefulness to them, my husband & daughter eventually grew up & saw & understood the reality of the situarion in both families, so i now have good relationships with both my husband & daughter (after 46yrs), so feel i am eventually starting to slowly heal. I still sometimes wake up shaking in the mornings but the flashbacks & depressive bouts are getting less. I have more time to do the things i actually enjoy doing & lead a much calmer life, though I have to be careful not to get too anxious about unexpected things that come up & try to live for the day rather than lamenting the past which has seemed like a battle my whole life, or worry about the future which is unknown. I guess i've always known my parents & my husband's parents were emotionally immature but never realised it was actually a thing & that that was what it's called - i just thought they behaved like children having tantrums & never realised that the damage we suffered was actually caused by it. I'm glad i came across this video - thank you for the explanations which are clear & insightful.
Beadingbellle thank you for posting. That's quite a lot to go through especially fearing your daughter was turning in you. I'm so glad your husband n daughter have seen the light n you are improving. Cptsd is a real thing n effects your whole limbic system.
@@brandyk Thank you. Some days are harder than others, esp when i get an added illness. Trying to stay positive & keep hope alive is sometimes difficult.
@@beadingbelle3486wow, this is so similar to my own experience. Thank you for sharing & hugs to you 🩷
@beadingbelle3486 Sorry that you had to go through all that you did. I too was raised in an abusive household and a lifetime of walking on eggshells eventually led to me developing ME/CFS, fibromyalgia,C-PTSD, MCAS, Hashimoto's etc. I'm so glad you've begun to heal.
@@katnisseverdeen2.016 I'm so sorry you were raised in an abusive household too, but glad you have started to heal. I wish you well on your healing journey.
This... Literally explained ALL of my problems I felt growing up and am still dealing with now.
THANK GOD for the Internet and people like Lindsay
Even the fact I had KIDNEY issues (water) and the fact of being "dried up" just worked eat too well
You know my parents very well…
I just want to say how much this video made me feel connected to my inner child in a way that I have not experienced before. Thank you for sharing and to anyone else who has experienced life through this lense you are not alone ❤
I'm definitely an internalizer and my older sister is an externalizer 😅 a challenge in our relationship as well
This conversation has allowed me to understand what was going on with my mother and why she punished me for explaining an oceanic feeling I was experiencing at about 2 years. She shamed me verbally and made me stand in front of the drape, which was her way of sending me to the corner. This began my hate for her that has not dissipated after 76 years and she is dead more than 12 years. The mystery is finding the light, maybe my heart will as well, eventually.
Too late...she is dead. Never will be able to talk and reconcile...your choice...maybe others can learn from your bad choice! Your soul will never find peace ... very sad...
@@isabellayogurte2308 WOW.. just wow. Anything else I would say here would be just as mean so I won't.
I had the same opinion as the host. I didn't think I'd hear anything I didn't already know in her book. Wow, was I wrong. Her book is brilliant. It totally changed my perception of myself and how I was raised.
There's a complexity for the reasons why people act how they do- with whom, and when. I have a great case study, my 10 siblings, my parents= 12 of us interacting over a long time. I have seen more than my share of toxic, dysfunction, triangulation, gaslighting, harm, scapegoatism, etc. Father a coersive narcissist as told by mother when i was about twelve. It's a tangled web and a hall of mirrors, it's nonsensical, harmful, insidious and just so harmful and destructive to a person's soul and spirit to experience these creatures. I felt disconnected as a child and found a way to "fit in" by becoming the little parent- the helper; raising the 5 younger siblings. This gave me a place, a reason and recognition until school.
I wonder how many people who have little or no EQ are high functioning autism. It was difficult at first to understand a person with high functioning autistic people versus a narcissist since a person with autismis good at mirroring behavior. I would highly recommend learning more about high functioning autism. I believe a lot of people who are labeled as narcissistic are individuals with high functioning autism. A high functioning autistic person has high IQ with little or no EQ. It's heart breaking since these people really are missing the emotional gene. It's like blaming someone for being blind saying if you would just try harder you can see. You're just not trying hard enough. It's difficult for people with EQ to see since the high functioning autistic people hides it so well by avoiding you and push you away because they literally don't see it. So if this is the case, telling a blind person to see, ie. telling a high functioning autistic person to connect with me emotionally, is a condition that is paralyzing for them and their relationships because it is not well understood and they are seen as this mean person instead of the reality they have emotional blindness. They fall through the gap because they don't understand their own condition. You can't see what you can't see.
I agree, good that you bring this in!
I've felt alot of moments of emotional maturity from people with asperburgers. We had a different experience.
That overview was so helpful… both my mom and my dad are emotionally immature… this explains why I always notice they are both such good citizens outside of their neglectful parenting… ugh
Thank you for this conversation; I’m healing from my childhood and neither of my parents can acknowledge the dysfunction. It’s so painful because how can things change and how do you move on from this?!🥴
I was called a wise child…and my mom would come to me for advice. It was so suffocating. I get overwhelmed by people who are needy like her.
She recognizes and appreciates your capacity for empathy. Just consider making boundaries with her needs. Try enlightening her about empathy and boundaries. You may be pleasantly surprised by a new enjoyable emotional intimacy with her.
@@pepperbird1212 thank you. 🤍
I also had an emotional vampire for a mother. I feel the same.
Being the center could be immediately do to having been spoiled OR it could be due to trauma, where the person is forced to focus on themselves and their needs exclusively bc they lack a supportive environment and/or are having to distract and dissociate in order to not panic.
Ive only heard half the video so far but my god does this describe my situation perfectly. Ive been trying and trying to repair the relationship between us and our parents for so long, talking out the problems, giving advice for how all of us could do better, but no matter how many times I bring it up they dont change at all and get outright defensive of their stance. I acknowledge that me and my sister have some issues we need to fix as well, but I asked for just one little thing about their communication style to change and apparently that's too much. I was thinking to myself last night as my heart tore in two after another failed attempt at reaching out "when was the last time they loved us? Like really loved us and cared about our inner world, not just taking care of our physical needs like its nothing but a burdensome responsibility?" If i asked them any of this or got any deeper into the discussion about the communication problems between us they'll blow up at me and go down a negative spiral of "everyone hates me and I should just leave" when thats not even close to what I was getting at. I just want to advise on the issue that has been going on for a long time so that all of our lives could be easier and less stressful, but they refuse to change. Its so painful to realise that maybe its impossible for me to connect properly with my parents in any meaningful way, but also enlightening to realise why i am the way i am now because of their emotional immaturity.
Management, in my opinion, hinges on very strong personal boundaries and then endeavouring to create a workable relationship around these. There will never be the close emotional connection people always crave, it simply isn't possible with these individuals - a child cannot be a parental figure and at te core of these people they are "children". Magical thinking and all.
You (we) are just as entitled to have our feelings or desires respected - as what "they" are. No healthy relationship exists without mutual respect.
The multi-strand explanation is so helpful.
Thank you for this! A real gem of a conversation. Genuinely hope she comes back again and again for future talks.
Great interview! Thanks for sharing!
Great guidance,thank you
I've read your book, and now reading it for the second time and I must say I've learnt to know myself better and learnt to understand others better 🙏🏽💯 thanks Dr
This is really amazing...I was tearing up all 52 minutes.
This was so beneficial to listen to. Thank you!
My mother is verbally abusive, and my father is very judgmental of me. He excuses my mothers extreme tantrums, and his own nasty anger towards me. Never understood how they qualified to adopt me. They named me the same name as their first daughters who died at 3 days old of blue baby syndrome. I always think she was the smart one to exit the body, and not deal with these lunatics. I naturally never sized up to the dead on, and was chastised for having my own personality. They’re 82 years old, and I truly will on feel relief when they’re gone. I’m sorry, but they were cruel, unlovable, and very selfish. I wish them well, and a long life, but I truly have no desire to see them ever again.
Thank you both so much for this. I finally achieved acceptance, albeit painfully. My abusive alcoholic father died. I tried to relate to my enabler mother, who was always zoned out on prescription drugs, and my narcisstic 13 years older sister. Finally I gave up and accepted that I would never have an honest or caring relationship. I was the Scapegoat. They always ganged up on me. They were also jealous of my self achieved education and financial success. It became too painful and frustrating to deal with because their behavior never changed. Luckily I escaped to another city which helped me distance myself emotionally. I stopped expecting any positive responses from them.
I think the way Lindsay describes this whole subject of EI persons is excellent!!!! Thank you for making and posting this important video! 💗
This is so amazing. Thank you for the great interview. Dr. Gibson’s books have changed my life. I feel like this was a condensed version of highlights that I can review quickly whenever I need a reminder until I can make this all sink in fully ❤
This interview is fantastic! Such good information-
I hope that editor had a doctorate in psychology at best. Thank you for protecting your work so we can also be validated.
You have such a thoughtful and relaxed demeanor Monique. I enjoy your interviewing style.
Thank you for this
Ow, ow! I just found you today! Thank-you so much! ❤❤
Well this explains everything! How healing to see this video. I had to watch it twice because the first time I cried too much! Second time I took notes. Thank you so much 🙏🙏
If we are raised by emotionally immature parents, how can we be any different? We will be undeveloped emotionally.
mindfulness has been the greatest thing i've ever learned in order to understand my own emotions better. look it up for yourself, i'm not nearly a good enough teacher to be able to give you the advice you need. also self reflection, as they talk about in the video.
Thank you for the very good and I would say accurate explanation of the logic and background of "co-dependents" / the fawn (re)action / the "good girl" syndróm. Because I feel there IS a lot of shaming these days like: co-dependents are "manipulatívne" and as if it's their fault for being chosen by narcicissts... thank you again!
It's a dynamic. Codependent have their reasons for staying.
Yup.. I wrote poetry about al of these issues, long before I knew what was happening/had happened, objectively.
Thank you so much for putting it so clearly back to me.
Crikey, im an interliser, but have been in conflict with my parents all the same and 'don't care' about people's feelings, as it's too much hard work to manage everyone's emotional reactions, including my own..
I am relieved to hear this checklist, because I have kept trying so hard to connect with my significant other, but can never discuss anything to do with behaviours they exhibit which hurt me. I won't keep trying so hard nor will I keep blaming myself or accepting blaming from them.
18:50 YES!!!!!! this was my world with my parents growing up.
Lindsay ROCKS!!!
My parents frequently asked me, "What's wrong with you?".
I've been trying to learn some stress reduction techniques and an ad for Dr. Gibson's book showed up in my search and I eventually ended up here. This video alone has helped me tremendously.
Such a hurtful thing to say to a child. The one I remember most was "who do you think you are??" I like this video too, very helpful.
My own mother once yelled at me "YOU NEED MENTAL HELP!" And then she never helped me get the help she claimed I desperately needed.
Looking guidance on having a healthy relationship with my 26 yr old adult child. Came across with this video, thank you 😊
This is not only towards narcs. There are plenty of emotionally immature parents when you are a teen having a baby and your brain hasn't matured yet. Also when people passed that trew generations. There was no way to learn this- until we start doing personal development work on our own.
This podcast helps lots of us . 🎉Thank you.
People who disrespect and intentionally hurt their mate are immature parents. Selfish and dishonest partners are most often immature in their emotions.
This just explained the story of my entire life even now as an adult why I have struggled as a people pleaser and parentified child. I’m finally sending an email to my mom as a last effort to show her how parentified I was and how her immaturity has affected me now as an adult. Damn this hurts but the revelations is changing my life!
I took multiple highlighter colors to that book! It was excellent. Very big kid appropriate (like 12 and up).
Walking on eggshells all the time.
This is great stuff thank you for posting this 😊 can you comment on your thoughts/views about whether narcissism is the twin of emotional immaturity ie they always come together as a set or they are mostly separate? I don’t know enough hence asking. Thanks
As usual Dr. Gibson makes great points and i think it's great that she's not encouraging everyone to give up on their family and estrange themselves. However I'd like to point out rhat nuch if thid has as much to do with not nust the individual but the family as a whole. Only children have a different experience than o e with siblings or even a middle child. Their is often triangulation that goes on n a power differential. Are the parents together in a more powerful way or divorced where the parents are more likely to be open to hearing you n treating you respectfully perhaps bc yiu vet along just fine with the other parent. Not all if this is something their fully aware if but it shapes the interaction. As the only single sibling at the time anyway of the 3 of us n with a very wealthy sister n regular income brother who both had chikdren, thus my parents grandchildren, they were less likely to do anything that made them uncomfortable or to self reflect because at rhe tine anyway they were getting along well enough with them n they after all had the grandkids. Had i been an only child, i seriously doubt they would have treated me as poorly n been as dismissive of .y concerns n objections to their remarks n behaviors. Finally I'd like to point out the other reason why estrangement may be necessary in some cases which is that setting boundaries and explaining your position is not only going to make them angry in the moment they will build up a great deal of resentment towards you no matter how much they try to bury it n act like they're ok. When they are frustrated or down or aggravated about other thibgs in their life, they will have huge inclination to take it out on you n it may seem out of the blue but its really not. They have just kept their feelings under wraps. No parent wants to think that they were bad parents which is exactly how an emotionally immature person will take any feedback or criticism. It will not go by unnoticed or acted upon. They will simply wait. If the individual has superficial but in the surface anyway decent enough relationship with the other family members,they are not going to ever rock those boats knowing those relationships would not likely survive honestly either so they lash out on the scapegoat. They may even think they love this person n in their iwn way they may but their anger n frustrations have to go somewhere and it will be directed towards you. For many years ny mother was angry at me for what she thinks us me not forgiving ber n holding on to things. I cabt exactly says sge us wrong but the truth is she can't forgive herself so even if i did cirgive ber sge would still be abgry at ne and act out in passive agreessve ways for maning ber feel like a bad mother. It's complicated stuff just dont think their wont be payback for setting boundaries.
Great video!
I'm not sure when you met my parents, Lindsay G, or what inspired you to write the biography of 2 non-famous people like them, but you nailed it! Lol
Thank you 🙏🏻
*My Brother 'adopted' one of our beautiful little Sisters and I 'adopted' the baby Sister. We did this at the early ages of maybe 9 and 8. We did our best, in the household of our physically present-mentally absent Parents. Both 'adopted' girls are well-off and successful, better than us. Our Parents were often busy, with loud discussions, irrational behavior and reactions, due to their discovery, of their partner's independent decisions, especially in the areas of finance, hobbies and socialising. We protected and taught our Siblings, for as long as we were still at home. Then they were on their own, which was also not ideal.
I became the Internalizer and my Brother, the Externalizer. Finally, I understand that. We distanced ourselves far from home. One Sister distanced herself, due to arguments and brutality of my Father. One Sister was around to comfort and protect my Mom, due to Dad's infidelity. My Brother stayed 30 to 50 miles away. I went 8000 miles away, with no return, but we Siblings communicate and care.
Thank you 🙏❤
Thank you ❤
I can so relate to this…
I didn't really start to understand how terribly immature and narcissistic my mother was or how bad of an enabler my father was until I got married. My wife's great relationship with her parents and our great relationship with each other made me say to myself "Wow. My parents were kind of fucked up, weren't they?" Even now I'll mention something offhand that my mother would do, and my wife will be like, "She....what??"
So good for you, that you and your wife both did have the abilities that are necessary to have a good relationship!
I told my father that I wasn’t going to stay at the family home on holiday and he didn’t speak to me or my children and all my relatives cut me out of their lives for 10 years.
You sound like a very civilised person but wow some of these people are completely unreasonable and you cannot negotiate life with them.
Thank you for this talk. I have a girlfriend and i am confident that she experienced childhood trauma from her parents. She ended up being anorexia so that alone tells me that there's problems. So very sad.
You are probably correct. Most mental health issues can be directly traced to how a person was treated by their parents as a child. Eating disorders, stress and anxiety issues as well as substance abuse or other addictions are all greatly increased outcomes of children in a dysfunctional family systems.
You should do more videos.
I'm currently an emotionally immature parent (working hard to grow). Raised by emotionally immature parents. My adult children are probably emotionally immature as well. I've never heard of this or unhealthy attachments or codependency before the last few months. My adult kids won't go to therapy and said that they won't listen to any videos like this, if I sent any to them. 😢 my 25 yr old daughter will no longer talk to me.
Fyi... I'm a little triggered (I'm a work in progress😄) that you said mothering or mom etc in this video several times bc my soon to be exhusband has just as many, if not more toxic traits as i have had and taught to our kids... although more covert. So, I'd appreciate you being more mindful to keep it parent neutral in the future, please and ty😊
So, of course their dad is a saint (at least in my daughter's eyes) and I am to blame for all problems. Especially since i am taking ownership of my issues, my part of any damage caused. And my husband is more than happy to let me take complete ownership and fall.🙄
Ur letter really touched me, and I feel the weight of total responsibility that you are taking on. I just want you to know, that I feel proud of you. I feel like you are in a very overwhelming place, and yet, the journey you are beginning is such a wonderfully healthy & evolutionary stage of ur life. I hope things begin to get easier, and you remember to be kind to urself. I'm also trying to unravel a difficult family environment, and wondering whether I just need to go no contact.....as a way to avoid the continual drama, lol. I wish you the best on ur journey of knowledge. Remember, ur feelings matter.
Thank you for being a mother who is actually taking a look at these hard issues and doing the work. It will benefit you tenfold and later in life I bet your daughter will recognize the significance and have appreciation for you being the cycle breaker.
We were all probably emotionally immature as parents. Especially the younger we had kids.
We have to cling to Jesus in our loneliness that is what is missing the unconditional love of Jesus and our real and Best dad ever…God Almighty…He loves us when our earthly parents do not love us. I prayed for deliverance from the evil ones and He did!!! I am free and a narc slayer now!!! ❤ good discussion ladies thank you!!
Love this
Profound. Isn't this the grand tradeoff in today's society? Refusal to relate appropriately generally goes hand in hand with the self absorbed egocentricity of the successful
My parents have passed away. I'm not close to anyone in my family. So sad for so many years.
I just think saying emotionally immature is just a nice way of saying Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality. My father is a Narcissist ABUSIVE EMOTIONALLY, Controlling, and just a SICK BASTARD. My mother was an Alcoholic. I hear all the time from people that think about how they were raised is how they raised u. Well I say I grew up with these Very Sick people “Emotionally immature “and I was and still am a GREAT Mother! Some people just are not cut out to be parents. I guess u will have to ask my kids!
I read this over a year ago but rewatching this still brought on so many “aha” and ouch feelings. WOW.
19:50 whoo that hurt
What happens when you are married to one for many years? I can see how this can be mistaking looked at as narcissism- when this could be the “shield” they hide behind
P.s I don’t blame myself, I don’t need anyone to validate me, I know what is right and how to treat people, I have done lots of self healing for years.
When I read the book I found the externaliser and internaliser part quite triggering. It feels like the internaliser is the better person and the externaliser would never be in therapy only if they came by it through substance abuse. I have both internalised and externalised reactions to my childhood. I have a harsh inner critic, depression and anxiety, low self esteem and everything is my fault attitude. But then sometimes I get angry and flip to it's everybody else's fault. I find it very confusing. Being raised by emotionally immature parents, it's quite possible to pick up on their habits.
It looks like, one can be both internalizer and externalizer. I now think my mother was; she "was"bipolar.What do you think?
"was
Interesting 😮
I grew up in a Mexican household. Showing emotion as a man is seen as weak and shameful. “Men don’t cry.” I feel no emotional warmth around my Dad. It feels cold.
This is too real for me. Ill pick up in the morning so i don’t have nightmares. I just assumed that parents do t take an interest in kids inner worlds or in their interests. I depended on my little sister and cousin for connection
I still have so much anger that I need to release. I’m so upset.. I worshipped my nmother until 44!!! I asked her do my feelings matter when I realised I was the family scapegoat and she said “to a certain extent”… such enmeshed and codependent bc she couldn’t be alone. ❤ No contact 3.5 years.. she won’t reach out, she’s too stubborn and was silent treating me when she was diagnosed with cancer and wouldn’t break it to tell me but was angry l didn’t know 😂
My mother and my ex girlfriend. My ex girlfriend less. But her mother. Fragile. Rewriting history. My mother wanted empathy and told me so.
This is my mom completely. This day and age, it's just not acceptable for her to remain illiterate, except by choice. I am forever reminding myself how stupid she is choosing to be. So unreal! I've been stupid thinking she would change and now I finally get it. Thank you for sharing this!!! ❤❤❤
I no it’s corny but no thy self an no thy enemy is very true , but yes wen u wake up an start to see wot happend to u if u start to remember who u r they wil isolate u an abandon u so b prepared it’s an painful awakening to the truth , we as sensitive souls just can’t comprehend r own family’s hav no love to give an never had any to start with , an sadly for me had so much buried emotions that blocked me from who I really was , good luck people stay true to yourself despite wot they think 🙏
Fifty years later…
MY MOTher made sure that her stepkids loved her she knew and would never uoset them her own daughters??? she didnt give a damn and was abusive every single day we dont see her she couldnt care so for those who think they dont know what theyre doing......they damn sure do
Isn't this the description of narcissism? I believe not all emotional immature people are narcissistic.
😢