8 Things Emotionally Immature People Say Too Often
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- Опубліковано 28 тра 2024
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Being in a close relationship with someone who is emotionally immature can be overwhelming and exhausting. Especially when you feel like you have to walk on eggshells when you're around them for fear that you will unintentionally do or say something that will cause them to react in an emotionally immature way. However, being able to identify when someone's reaction is coming from their own emotional immaturity can help us not get so triggered by it because we know that their reaction is because of an underdeveloped part of their psyche, and thus is not necessarily about us - so we don't have to take it personally.
In this talk I bring your awareness to 8 common phrases emotionally immature people use often.
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ABOUT JULIA:
Julia Kristina, MA, is a speaker, teacher, master therapist and mental wealth coach who helps smart, highly sensitive, heart centred humans get past anxiety, stress, and self-doubt so they can have better: Better relationships, a better life and feel better about themselves.
Through her membership program, The Shift Society, she helps people identify their deep rooted thoughts and beliefs that are keeping them stuck and struggling, and then teaches them how to take charge of their minds and emotions so they can thrive in all areas of their lives.
Julia’s expertise has been featured in Inc magazine, Psych Central, Mind Body Green and numerous other publications, podcasts and television outlets. She has also given talks in front of audiences of hundreds on stages across North America. Videos on her UA-cam channel have been watched more than 15 million times and she has built a community of over 375,000 people across social media platforms. When she’s not helping her clients and students increase their emotional intelligence and mental strength, she’s out on some kind of adventure with her three children in Vancouver, Canada.
Glad you're here - Which one of the 8 connected with you most?
I've found it safest to not invest too much in the emotionally immature.
Not easy when you like the person and are otherwise compatible. I'm currently going through the process of pulling back from an old dear friend whose instability causes such hurt. She'll just suddenly and impulsively throw everything out of her life. Including people and family. It could be me anytime. No matter how supportive and helpful I've been. I feel like I could just be turfed out at any moment.
1. Its not my fault
2. If you don’t do this, then I won’t do this
3. I am fine, you are not…
4. what’s your problem
5. Silent treatment
6. You are just too sensitive
7. You make me feel…
After watching this video, I recognize emotional immaturity in my college age son who resorts to anger, name calling and creating a hostile environment for all household members. I’ve tried to probe for the root cause of the anger/issue but, once he’s triggered theres no pulling back even though I try to consciously allow him to save face. I’ve resorted to silence and shutting down in order to create a boundary and avoid strife and conflict. I’ll watch more of this series in hopes of moving forward productively.
Then there’s the next level, those who have learned some of the “buzz words” and techniques. “I’m too emotional to talk about this right now, can we get to it later?” Later NEVER happens.
“It’s not personal” as they fling a 15 minute tirade at you about all the things they think are wrong with you.
All of this makes sense until you encounter someone extremely narcissistic and has recruited a bunch of enablers to abuse you by proxy. In that case, avoid all contact. That is not emotional immaturity, that is protecting your sanity.
After about 40 years if dealing with this crap, I find the best solution for me now is to avoid these people. Life is too short to be miserable. My so-called siblings are the worst offenders.
Yes and having honest conversations with them if appropriate will help build up your emotional maturity.
"When someone says 'you're just too sensitive', it is because they don't know what to do with those big feelings that are coming up inside of them."
"When someone says 'it's all my fault,' that is an avoidance of responsibility. It shuts down the conversation and makes it so that you almost feel bad for bringing it up in the first place."
"If you are in a conversation with someone bringing up something that upset you and their immediate response is 'it's not my fault,' this is a very obvious avoidance of any kind of responsibility."
Yes I totally agree
I tend to shut down and not want to talk anymore, because it is the same argument each time and always at bed time. I will start rewording what I say to communicate more effectively why I don't want to talk anymore. Thank you for this!
Being shut down when I bring something up resonates with me. This is how my husband responds so often. "I don't need this right now!" Or "I don't want to talk about this right now." This response isn't just when I come to him with a major issue. Often it's something minor, like "can we talk about our vacation plans for this summer?"
He grew up in.what I'm learning more and more to be a fairly dysfunctional family, although they appeared pretty "normal".
What I would love for you to discuss is ; how to respond to emotionally immature people when they give you the statements you mentioned ?? Please help us who are in close relationships with these poor people! He's not a bad person, but he's almost impossible to talk to about anything that's not bland or emotionally neutral
Same here… “ I don’t want to argue”😮
Hi Kirsten. If it is just isn't "into talking" then one can live with it although in a very lonely way. But if it is coupled with walking on eggshells, you need to get divorced as it will only get worse, much worse. Narcissists never reform and they get more bitter.
Narcdaily channel will help you understand what the problem is. Hope you get the knowledge. It will empower you.
I resonate to almost all of these. Control, deflect, defend, shut me down, refuse to talk for days, no touch, ignore me. Everything has to be in his timing.
"you're too sensitive" connected with me ...
Both my parents never left childhood in terms of emotional development.
I can imagine that was really hard on you.
As a child I was not able to understand what was going on and why things were so strange compared to other more "normal" households.
The same experience 🥺🥺
It is horrible because you are being robbed of your childhood, adolescence and young adulthood.
@@happygoluckystar8069
...make efforts to be NOT like them....become at least a bit better than your parents.
Literally all of these. I'm here to develop emotional maturity. I have done all of these things and still do quite a few of them frequently. I lost my girlfriend because I couldn't process my emotions and deal with them in a healthy way, she's pushed me to for 2 years and this is what I needed to finally start somewhere.
😂😂this arrived in my feed RIGHT in the middle of an escalating WhatsApp exchange with my guy!! EXACTLY what was happening!!🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
were you able to catch it and turn around the conversation?
@@juliakristinamah INSTANTLY!!!! Thanks Julia!!
too emotional or too complicated... my dad to me when I dared to express how I felt about something.
I can imagine that felt really invalidating.
As a child I was not able to understand what was going on and why things were so strange compared to other more "normal" households.
As an adult, I managed to correct the situation in my mind when I understood what was going on.
Thank You, Julia Kristina.
Actions still speak louder. Those who have used you dispose of themselves very neatly by disappearing. Not my first rodeo either.
Yes
I thought that when someone didn’t want to discuss a problem or work it out it means they don’t value me or feel like I’m worth it.
Good point; husband has been like this from the beginning of our 35 year marriage
I have an awful neighbor who this describes to a T. They put a bunch of loose debris, junk, trash, at the street, and when the wind carries it into my yard and we go over and put it back or try to say something to them, she blames me for not picking it up and putting it in my own trash. They have done this for years. Just happened again last week, and it's the same story every time. Deflect, gaslight, blame and refuse to do anything about it. She even told me once 'Noone is going to come clean up your property'. Even though, it's their trash they allowed to come all over my yard.
I am so sorry for what you've went through.
Very valuable knowledge, Julia Kristina thank you. I used to hear "you're just too sensitive," all the time. I just accepted it as their opinion and moved on, not really having much conversation with those that felt that way about me.
Good for you. And that's exactly it. There's no sensitivity barometer - just opinions.
@@juliakristinamah ty!
Thanks to this video Im able understand the other person better, who displays these signs. I have some too. Thank you Julia!
You're so welcome Marek - glad it connected.
This is good information thank you. I would like to add. It is very difficult to navigate these patterns. When they are your Elderly Parents. It makes the Transition to have to take care of them. So much more difficult. Because they will most likely never change that pattern of thinking.
Arguments with my mother went like this...
1. Always brought up stuff from the past irrelevant to the topic at hand in that argument; felt she did this to win an argument vs compromise
2. Go silent for weeks, who knows how long if it wasn't for me always coming to her to make amends
3, Throw and break things if argument continued; play the superior role and say "Listen to your mother". Pretend to call the cops to get me to stop arguing against her, I was never violent or even raised my voice but I was stubborn and stood my ground if I thought I was right.
Did she later realize that you are a grown up or she still does it?
@@mukairejohnbosco1797happened in my 20's , can't recall ever arguing with my mom before that, my dad passed away when I was 23 so fights transferred to me
Your mother sounds very narcissistic, but you are enabling her behaviour. You behave as a codependent when you come to her for amends. Don‘t do it - she has to take responsibility for her behaviour.
@@jannajohnsen1796 I lived at home rent free so I was at her mercy; felt like the price I paid for convenience financially speaking. I am 41 now, she died when I was 33 from Pancreatic Cancer; plus I hated not talking to her knowing her days were numbered.
But I agree with what you said, we never got therapy because we were too occupied with her cancer (many hospital visits). We usually got along though, it's just those handful of times we argued it went like that.
Julia, number 7 is the big one for me! My Mom, either solo or with the aid of my middle sister would make a sing-song of the word sensitive to myself or my younger sister when we displayed any type of hurt feelings. The minute either of us would start to cry, out came "sensitive, sensitive, look who's so sensitive", often accompanied by laughter. 😢 Sadly there was no room for discussion of feelings growing up. Grateful to be aware of this and working on this now. ❤
That’s so sad; I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’ve only recently been learning about how parental mirroring is one of parental the tools of our childhood that helps us learn to regulate ourselves and our emotions in a well-adjusted way, and what you’ve described is such a concrete example of the complete opposite of mirroring, it’s heart-breaking. My family wasn’t exactly so overt, but they’d make comments that I (the youngest child) was “being a crybaby again” because I didn’t understand their hurtful sarcastic comments… weren’t intended to be hurtful? I don’t know how you can expect a little kid to understand that, but it just seemed like cruel comments that were masked in a way that meant they could say anything and then just call it “sarcasm”. I felt like it made no sense, and RUSHED to try to understand it so I couldn’t keep being hurt and, what felt like, bullied by it. The result? A defensive, bitingly sarcastic little kid who was afraid to appear vulnerable. (So unhealthy! Talk about maladjusted!) Of course they didn’t care for sarcasm so much when I *really* got rolling. Eventually realised I hated being backhandedly vindictive with sarcasm and dropped it, but the memory of being ostracized for having your feelings hurt by the people who are legitimately more “mature” (in numbers at least) still lingers. You’re taught that your feelings don’t matter AND that they’re wrong, and to gaslight yourself just to protect yourself, and that showing any reasonable negative reaction to anything is bad. So much for mirroring…
I really hope that your healing journey has been a productive one. I can understand why you would have been a sensitive child, with caretakers like that. I’m sorry that they literally lacked sensitivity to you. I really hope you are well, and wishing you all the health and healing. Thank you for sharing your experiences; it really helped shine a light on some of my experiences as well, in a helpful and healing way.
Hi Julia! I love this video. I think it was a great way for me to pick up on those little phrases that either others or I, myself, may say sometimes and identify that emotionally maturity. I think I can honestly look back and see that I have very much improved in this area. I also appreciated it when you said about the reminder that not everyone has learned how to grow into emotional maturity and that does give me a sense of compassion and understanding towards some people in my life that I know lack. Again, not pointing a finger, they just never learned, and I am grateful to be here in this membership and growing for the past 4 years.
Here are my notes:
*Understanding that someone else's emotional immaturity or even our own is not about blaming or finger pointing, it's about bringing awareness.
*Knowing that not everyone has learned how to grow into emotional maturity can give us understanding and not be so put off by it and we can respond in an emotionally mature way.
8 Things They Say:
1. "It's not my fault."
2. "It's all my fault."
3. "They made me do it."
4. "If you are not going to do this, then I am not going to do this."
5. "I'm fine. What's your problem?"
6. "I am not talking to you anymore." (Or give the silent treatment)
7. "You're just too sensitive."
8. "You make me so angry!" or " You make me feel…etc."
I have a father who takes things personally, have difficulty engaging in honest conversations and gives the silent treatment when upset. It makes me hesitant to talk to my dad about issues and concerns I have. After realizing my dad didn't learned how to be emotionally mature, it makes me not consider him a bad person. Showing understanding can help us not react and not question ourselves.
Thank u for this. It helps me to show understanding to my uncle who is very arrogant and refuses to reply my Whatsapp whenever he doesn't like my message. I guess some general practician doctors can become prideful and egoistic. He gaslights my message a lot when my messages involves my feelings.
All of the above, but managing my thoughts and reactions helps me by asking myself why. Slowdown to think before I react, if that makes sense. Thank you😁
yes yes yes! this is the secret.
Thank you for this! It helped me understand better and unfold an intense argument I've recently had with a friend. I did wonder about the last one because we are affected by others, and that's natural, also our thoughts can definitely be affected by other people's words ideas and actions towards us... When someone uses harsh mean phrases towards us, it does feel painful, and it is more a response to him/her than an interpretation. Also if someone is gaslighting us, it certainly affects our thoughts and perception... I mean, we are responsible for ourselves, but don't we also have, to some extent, responsibility towards others?
This video with most of those points hit right at home. I have already done a lot of work on myself. It's not easy to see others not improving while I can recognize their unhealthy habits.
Hello Julia, appreciate your content and wisdom. Growth mindset plus a belief one has power to change means the best is yet to come! ❤
Good afternoon Julia Kristina, haven't listened to you in a while and have been thinking 🤔 about wanting to listen to you again for a while just because you have made a huge impact in my life ❤😊
#7 You're Just Too Sensitive. Heard that endlessly. Arghh! My related question: how do we resolve unresolved conflict with someone who's passed? Is that even possible? Thank you!
Absolutely it's possible. We don't need anyone else to create closure. Closure is a process that happens in our own brains with our own thoughts.
@@juliakristinamahcan you speak more to how to attain closure when the other person has passed? It’s nice to hear that you think it’s possible, but… the process is a complete mystery to me!
Always incredible! The details are so important! The reminds me of my childhood... I am so thankful somehow I recognized the red flags!
New subscriber here. Thank you for what you’re doing with your work. It’s needed and greatly appreciated!
This is a powerful message. Unfortunately my mom has all these behaviours. I suffer very much because of our relationship, because I love her very much.I have been looking for answers a long time. Now I know. I am almost 40 years old woman who cried a lot because of this. Not being able to have adult conversation with parent can ruin your life more than anything.
Thank you. I ❤ it.
You're welcome - really glad you found it helpful.
Thank you so much. This is my husband to a tee. This has helped me so muc
i remember when my narcissist revenge discarded me that i used the 'it's all my fault' sarcastically because she was in her accusatory word salad and there is nothing you can say to contribute to that conversation.
I'm here to learn both for me and others
My younger brother who is 56 years old, stopped maturing emotionally at about the age of 19. This is indicative of interaction with him.
You're describing my X-wife. I always said that I am always walking on eggshells. If I had just googled "walking on eggshells" I would have known 10 years earlier about covert narcissism.
All connected!
I would say that #2 "It's all my fault" and #6 "I'm not talking about this" were favourites for my EI adoptive father. He and his partner also liked to say #5 "I'm fine - what's your problem?" whenever there was a conflict and #7 "You make me feel X" when either got upset.
This was my parents all along 😢
My,my,my! This is so helpful for me in my marriage. I love my husband very much but have never been able to put reasons to certain behavior! I am so thankful for youtube access to the therapy that I cannot afford otherwise. I wish my partner had the desire to learn and grow as I am. Any suggestions for a partner to enlighten the other to healthy changes when they don't see the need....yet?
Oh my goodness, you just listed behaviors of the whole midwest.
Only way is grey rock and be as shallow as you can be .. but silence is still Golden .
What! If someone tells me how I feel, and I say I'm fine... that is not gaslighting. The "what's your problem?" Is the problem, but that's not gaslighting either, its called deflection and/or projection.
10:13 Gaslighting is a technical term of a DSM-5 page 827 revise
My brother has pretty much cut me off from his life because I told his wife to divorce my brother after years of her complaining to me about his cheating. Obviously she told him what I said.
I live in the Philippines. In this culture, confrontation is taboo. Which means, it is not allowed to point out or address problems. No problems, no solutions. Hence a country full of rather poor problem solvers.
Add to this that this culture is mostly driven by emotions rather than reason (and greed, but that's a different topic).
The result is unchecked emotions but no real, direct confrontation... How is that emotional maturity?
How do you communicate with a mother, who constantly denies everything and then justifies her actions for what she allegedly didn't say or do? I react to my mother everytime she does this, them she gives me the silent treatment. How do I handle this? I end up calling back as she won't budge from the silent treatment. I feel in the end I'm disrespectful to my mother, so I apologise and she turns and says, Thank you, darling. She continues as those it's never happened. Any advice 🙏
Thank you for pointing this out and explaining this 😇😇😇-Xclusyph Icon
Timestamps would help your nice videos 🙂
I recommend watching the whole things so you get all the context and teaching.
these videos don't need timestamps, it does not make sense to not watch the entire thing as it's cohesive
Time stamps would really help for when I rewatch it and want to review specific ideas.
Our cultural inheritance is that we are individually responsible for our words and our actions. This is reflected in our society and in our laws. It is a given. The past century, however has implied, suggested and explicitly stated that this is not so. The contradiction is that others or circumstances or our particular mental make up dictate much of the why. If (!) it is so that we are as responsible as stated in this video how is it possible that we entertain doubts regarding the execution of the law? Clear death row now. Alternately, maybe it isn't one thing. Maybe it isn't one way, only. I do not know the way around or out of this contradiction but it is the central problem of human behavior and the application of law.
I would need concrete examples because I am tired of being banned from stores or being falsely arrested or having visits from cops because of people "not making intentional mistakes" like planting Qurans in my stuff when I am not a Muslim and then telling people that I am in league with terrorists or by (and get this shiite) putting urine in a bottle and placing it on a shelf at a store and telling the cops that I did it so that at ~6:30 AM the cops come to the door and tell me about it and I tell them that if they have a bottle of pee that it is an awful lot of DNA and that they should return if they think it is me. So they ban me but here it is three months later and I have not been arrested because even the cops know better yet now because of one false accusation by somebody (and the cops told me who it was by the way) word went to other stores and people and I am banned from 4 additional stores. So now after years of "mysterious" illness and setbacks I know some of the people that have been causing it and my "maturity level" is no longer existent with them or anybody I see committing more major crimes or setting people up. It is not impacting but devastatingly destructive.
Can someone please give a replacement word for sensitive. It brings negativity.
Talk about a light bulb moment wow
❤
OMG! Every single comment....I've heard all of them. On a regular basis. From a 67 year old. Arrrgggg......
Dan narsistik adalah orang seperti yang disebutkan diatas.
I’m new to your channel and your words of wisdom are appreciated! I also appreciate the way you present your videos in black and white . Shows how simple and plain everything is when it needs to be explained. In black and white!❤
I need chapters 😑
What kind of chapters, and what for?
Me too. No one wants to hear everything. Let me jump around and see if it’s worth my time. UA-cam is a competitive space and chapters help you to stay ahead of the competition.
@@sandlerfrancois666I feel like you missed the point of these videos then. All the information in her videos are cohesive. No one wants to hear everything? People who know the value of these videos definitely want to hear every minute. I've seen hundreds of her videos, worth every minute. If this is not worth your time than I doubt anything else on YT will be, at least if we go by what you get back from that time. This teaches people to manage emotions and relationships, which is life changing stuff that the world definitely lacks, looking at all the turmoil. The more you watch the more it works in shifting your mind and emotions, so more is only better.
"am fine..",This is common among women,but I think maybe they want to keep certain things to themselves,not necessarily immature
true. Context does matter.
4 mins of nothing
Just explain the signs
I will NOT apologize to anyone when I KNOW beyond any doubt that I am not in the wrong ! I let my Bible tell me who is right of wrong!
I use my Bible to show who is right or wrong! God is NOT a liar!!
Most of my life I thought my name was "Too"... because according to most people, Im "too" sensitive, animated, too dramatic, too anxious, etc.
Spoiled and vain