Evidence-Based S1E1: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents with Lindsay C. Gibson, PhD
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- Опубліковано 9 тра 2022
- Evidence-Based
A New Harbinger Psychology Podcast
Evidence-Based is the official podcast of New Harbinger Publications-an independent, employee-owned publisher of books on psychology and self-help. In each episode, we join leading mental health experts to explore the latest psychological interventions, as well as topics related to mental health and personal growth.
Lindsay C. Gibson, PhD, author of Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, joins us to discuss adult children of emotionally immature parents. Gibson is a clinical psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual psychotherapy with adult children of emotionally immature (EI) parents. She is also author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, and Who You Were Meant to Be. ]
www.newharbinger.com/97816840...
I have a right to my own preferences.
I have a right to my own feelings.
I have a right to my individuality.
I have never felt so understood and heard and at the same time heartbroken. I am Im my 40s and knowing I will never have the opportunity to truly have a semi normal relationship with my mom hurts.
I decided to have NO relationship with mine - hard but the best for my survival
There's no delight in their children, no enjoyment and no patience.
You are not responsible for what happened to you but you are responsible for your own healing xx
So resonant. Children are not seen as fully human. It rises to the level of a crime. The dehumanization operates on the individual, community, and societal levels.
So true. If children aren't considered people inside the womb, why would they be treated any differently outside of it?
@@rebn8346that’s very different. spew your forced birth elsewhere
I happened to be listening to a story of Hugh Hefner twins (I very much hate describing them this way but I didn’t get their names, and it’s better than describing them as sex slaves which is what that conceited man and his likes have been and are still doing) this morning and thinking the same… postmodern society can’t be bothered to care about not yet born children when it barely seems to care about those it sees outside the womb. Humanity (especially the West) has already been more than halfway brainwashed into losing a very intrinsic part of its humanness.
Absolutely. 100% a crime. It’s practically a death sentence, and in many cases, unfortunately, it is. Whether by suicide, drug overdose, or prison times. These parents can and should be held accountable. Coming from a child of an EIP.
@@rebn8346👍
this is both of my parents- I tend to feel always alone inside
I feel for you. I was best friends with my dad and we could always just talk about anything no matter what the topic was. My mom has always been the complete opposite. When my dad passed away I thought that maybe we would be able to actually have a relationship but there's just nothing there. I have tried everything for years and she doesn't change. It's a really sad situation that had scarred me for life I think. I definitely know what it feels like to be all alone. All the best to you. ❤️
Same girl - I feel you 🙏🏼
We are the ones who have to build our new tribe, your belonging is in your empowerment
"The parents of children who were deemed... emotionally insecure... the parents of the most secure children... came from whether or not that parents had become aware of their own issues and addressed them..." Wow. This was so reassuring. My mom is a covert narcissist and my father is a grandiose narcissist. My mother used to beat me and my father is extremely controlling. I have tried to raise my children much differently - and treat my kids as human beings, like you were speaking about - instead of following the cycle of invalidation and emotional abandonment. I am going through a divorce with a covert narcissist and am constantly worried about how my kids will turn out. I have been trying hard to work through my issues from my childhood, as well as become informed about what has happened in my marriage, and teach my kids about respect and validation and personal boundaries as I'm learning about those things myself. That statement is deeply and incredibly validating for me - knowing that my kids have a fighting chance to break this cycle of abuse and become wonderful human beings because I am working on my own issues. THANK YOU.
CEN, CPTSD is same.
1. Reconnect to your true self, your authentic self
2. Feeling the sensations and bodily emotions, not resisting or suppressing it
3. Grieving for childhood losses
4. Doing Somatic Experiencing and Somatic Practice regularly on your emotional wounds
5. Building healthy relationship and healthy life style
6. Releasing all stress stuck in body because of these trauma incident. (Basically acknowledging and doing lot of SE)
Above 6 points are good to heal from CPTSD because of ChildHood Emotional Neglect.
What is SE?
@@comoane somatic experiencing
This woman is phenomenal. She explains this dynamic in such a lucid way, just listening to her speak is therapeutic and so validating - how I wish I'd found her 25+ years ago when I first started asking psychologists for help. I might have been spared the agony of this playing out in my adult life, by then I'd unknowingly developed borderline personality disorder. I'm officially in remission now, and it's like the light has come on, understanding how I came to be so unwell is so freeing. I had such intense shame over simply the fact I exist, and not understanding why. She's basically describing the origin of BPD in here, when the child experiences this parenting to the extreme.
It’s emotionally immature parents does not work on themselves. There’s no point to trying to have a relationship with them.
Very sad but true. There is a lot of grief to be processed in being the orphan of a living parent
Hi
I'm a 70yo Grannie from South Australia. Just heard your conversation and found it really interesting. Of course, I am now the matriarch of my family of 6 sons along with my daughters in law and 9 grandchildren. I understand how important it is to get it right!
The topic has piqued my interest since it appears I'm the child of immature parents. I'm writing this for your own information, really.
I guess my narcissistic mother might have been immature emotionally but her aggressive characteristics aren't in the mix of behaviours here. My Dad was on the passive side of your description but he allowed himself to be used by her as a weapon and he carried out her emotional punishment on me at times. Then she accused me of 'always' upsetting my father so I learned that I was responsible for him being 'upset'. I then married a version of my mother which eventually ended in divorce.
As my mother suffered from dementia in her later years I helped her as best I could. I had a '3 strikes and you're out policy' with her. If she attacked me 3 times in a visit, I would smile, kiss her on the cheek and leave, saying I needed to go home now. By that point I had developed an understanding of who I was and what I was responsible for. I always avoided conflict at all stages of my life and still do.
I was the very epitome of your internalizer. But I also felt like I was the cause of the problems. I was responsible for everyone's unhappiness or anger for most of my life. Not any more, of course, but it's been a long journey.
I was very codependent which meant that I wasn't the most empathetic parent. It was all about me... my relationship, where I wanted to be, so I let my sons down.
I've apologised to them for my many shortfalls as a mum, but I can't rewrite the past. Sadly, none of us can.
But a big thankyou for your work. You shed light on the shadows of people's lives. You are very much appreciated. God bless you.
That is very brave and empathetic of you to share. You recognize the hurt you suffered and unknowingly the hurt you may have imposed on your children. That is a very brave and loving act❤️ hugs from me to you❤️
Thank you, Cyndy.
I feel comforted to learn Brené Brown studied, and found parents do the best they, or we, could. May you , and may I, give ourselves compassion .
@@ceebd8554 Has it occured to you that 'The Best They Could' might not have been adequate? Mine just cannot seem to see it. They are Perfect!! Which is pathological. As she says here, everything can be improved.
Cyndy, thank you for your humility and generosity of spirit.
When you know better, you do better.
Relating ... especially weaponising Dad.
Hugs from Cairns 😊
If you read the book it goes into more detail on types. Your mother probably would’ve fit into the emotional type. That type was a fly off the handle, walking on eggshells type parent. I listened to the audio book and it was an eye opener for me.
I'm definitely an internalizer. All of the early lack of emotional support came home to roost when I realized as an adult that they didn't have a clue who I was or how to support me.
You are also echoing all the problems I'm having in healing. I'm now very well educated in psycho education. I did fall apart. I'm finding it really hard to put it back together.
Don't ever give up - it takes lots of time: keep watching UA-cam videos. There are finally some good videos on treating mental health issues. Watch only the ones that speak to you. Get new ideas and then connect these feelings back to your dysfunctional childhood...and start paying attention to your sleep dreams, by writing them down. Most likely, these dreams reflect a current emotional conflict you are wanting to resolve. It could be from your past. Be patient with yourself. I had CPSD, then, on top of that, I had an emotional breakdown. I did not seek help from anyone - my story would take years to bring any therapist up to date.. Eventually, they break down literally fell away! I remember where I was when it dissolved.
If you've gotten this far, you can keep growing. Stay Stong! Best wishes to you!
I have found the Crappy Childhood Fairy on UA-cam to be a great resource. Sending you love 🙏
My dad abandoned me at 10 months and my mom is histrionic and exhausting … I have had to recover from shame, insecurity, and eating disorder and alcoholism to soothe myself … how I became a successful wife and mother is a freaking miracle of God .
Well good job though you should be proud of yourself!
I always felt that my parents were immature but I had no idea how that reflected in their behavior towards me. Now I am stressing out over my parents becoming elderly and helpless. All the guilt and bitterness is tearing me up. They were both toxic to the point to where I realized it was for the best to be estranged from them. But the feelings of guilt are too strong for me to just treat them like I don't care about them the same way they did to me.
I cannot agree with you on this more!!! I have always told people “I am more of a parent to my parents (and siblings) than they are to me!”
And as they become older (not elderly yet) early 60’s , they HAVE relied on me more and more … even on simple things like stopping to get them milk and eggs when they live LITERALLY a 1 minute drive from a grocery store!
And as much as I want to grow apart from them and the toxicity , the guilt stops me 🙄
Just be neutral, talk to them and treat them well but do not expect them do the same to you so you wont get hurt,
ps: you don’t have to show that you don’t want to engage emotionally
@@picklegirl007I hope you find a way out of this situation or a way to find peace within it
Holy Mackerel!! The introduction described my parents to a TEE!!
I SO wish this info had been available to us YEARS AGO!!
Thanks for making it available NOW!!
42:04 Heavy on the because you’re my child I don’t have to respect you. Hated that shit, still do to this day.
This is so good. My mother is an Emotional/Rejecting type and a narcissist, father was the Passive type. I also became a Passive type for my own children, because I was so terrified of ending up like my mother I erred on the opposite side.
So much selfawareness❤
This helps me understand how it was especially grievous when I finally left my 18 year toxic marriage at a time I [first] lost my EIP mother to dementia and, finally, to death only two months after I moved out of the home I shared with my spouse]. I remembered thinking I was going to unmesh myself when I joined the US Airforce and left home at 21. Then I latched onto "something familiar" during a time I was more vulnerable, insecure, away from home and all that was familiar. Losing my mom around the same time I left my toxic marriage was representative of the finality of that original relationship that could never be fixed. Some words you said are still hitting me: "growing up in a particular relationship that taught you to dissociate and become passive and immobilized so this person can feel more important than you....". Wow! That is an eye opening perspective.
Grew up with parents like this. 28 now and still living with them. Had DPDR begin when I was 16, has never left. Their behavior is still disturbing, but there is nothing I can do but do my best to protect myself. Just today they became very vicious and threatening when they saw I was installing a new keyed doorknob on my bedroom door and asked me to give them one of the keys and I quietly and calmly but firmly said no. This was after years of never having my most basic request to have my space to myself (no, I am not hiding anything, contrary to what they would speculate as a way to gaslight me and avoid surrendering their need to feel superior and in control of me and my space) listened to and honored. Anyway, I just want to say that various cannabinoids seriously help my nervous system to stay calm and me to stay feeling grounded and in my body
Please move out
Yes. Please! Move out. No matter what, there IS a way. Hate to be so blunt, but, please take it in the spirit it was intended. I've been in your shoes💥and have discovered, the hard way, that time spent in those sorts of situations is wasted time. And life is SHORT!!! They will never change. It'll only get worse.
UNless we MAKE it happen, we die with the song still in us, if that makes any sense to you at all. Save yourself, my friend.
May I ask, what is DBDR?
Edit:forgot to say: Cannabis Rocks. I'm convinced it kept me alive, neurologically, until I corrected Emotional Dysregulation. Ya might want to check that out. The Crappy Childhood Fairy is really good for checking whether CPTSD might be part of your prob too and how to solve it.
Good luck
Sorry, I a parent myself with a adult daughter who still lives here. It is your parents home. If you need space then move out and be the boss of your own castle. I couldn’t wait to move out myself when I didn’t get along with my parents at age 20. Completely independent a couple of months after my 20th birthday. I tell my child that if you don’t like the rules you are free to leave and I do want her out.
@@mariannazut2622 Sorry, I’m a parent of an 18yr old still living at home and I think your attitude towards new adults who are just learning to become increasingly independent and self-reliant is not just wrong, but unempathetic and possibly a personal difficulty with enmeshment/boundaries/individuation issues and anxiety about lack of control.
Firstly young adults aren’t perfect at adulting until about 23-25yrs. Mutual respect is about establishing respectful non-hierarchical, expectations of and for each other.
Secondly, Current economic conditions makes the idea of being able to financially support oneself with little work experience is just irrationally unreasonable and indicates you may be out of touch with the contemporary employment issues young adults are facing right now.
Please move out. I moved out late (I was 26) and wished I had done it sooner. You will never be able to reinforce your boundaries under mommy and daddie's roof. Start saving every paycheck for the nxt 6 months. Get you a roommate, whatever u have to do man. It's crucial to your independence.
Taken so many simple truths from this that I’d never considered before. My mum was totally unloving and withdrawn from me, never a word of support or concern for my emotional wellbeing and this interview explains a lot, clearly. HOWEVER, my younger brother can do no wrong and she excuses all his behaviour, so my therapist pointed out her behaviour towards me was abusive, as she chose to treat me with disregard and to adore my brother.
As said in this interview, my mother made me think that she’s the most important person in the world, and I should NEVER show her disrespect or hurt HER feelings, yet I was treated like s**t. I’m learning and healing…slowly, but surely.
I could've written this myself. Exactly the same family situation. I hope you find solace. Is the therapist helping? Many know nothing about cptsd and how to treat it. I have up on them.
Her book was such a blessing. My husband and I were drawn to each other because we were actually the polar opposite of our EIPs. A great term the book uses is "overdeveloped empathy". We recognize that's what makes our communication so great. Now we're each learning to stand up for ourselves within our relationships, that our individual emotions matter just as much as the other person. We're a wild match 🤣🤣
❤
Insane! I’m getting to know a man who is like this as well. Both of us struggle with immature parents and both of us have insane empathy and levels of emotional intelligence (coping mechanism) hopefully we are both God’s gift to each other after a life time of struggling with our parents .. it’s like his my mirror but a male version. I see so much of me in him.
@@user-rx7uh9mg4f I wish y'all well! I ended up marrying mine lol.
Lindsey is so good at her job. Freaking genius
Reading Lindsey’s book was a huge lightbulb moment for me in my healing and listening to this conversation is so insightful.
I cut contact with my mother (and consequently my father) over two years ago and have made enormous progress in my healing - discovering my sense of self, connecting with my inner self, and claiming my power (for the first time in my life). I have experienced happiness for the first time in almost four decades.
Hi, I am very low contact with her and NC with him. Did you get better on your own with the help of the book or did you also get therapy? I can't afford therapy but I might buy the book.
I'm listening this for a 4th or 5th time and it resonates so much. I still have in my 40´s the need and hope that my parents will open their eyes, that they´ll say something... anything that will try to make our relationship better, closer, but they are just somehow abducted by their fixed type of thinking. I feel that those words will only come on their deathbed... or that's only my hope once again.
Sometimes I want to apologize to them for being born.
Thanks a lot!
With mine, I doubt to even hear it on their deathbeds. Self-obsessed to the core.
What you said about apologizing for even being born resonates with me. I felt as though I have never been much more than a burden to them for even being alive even though they could care less that I am alive since about age 5 or 6.
What helps to be free of this hope is to grieve everything you didn't get and let go of the hope. When you build healthy relationships with people who show love, you won't need them in that way any more and you will be better able to accept that they just for some reason were unable to give you what you, and any child, needed. It takes work but it is worth it!
It was not your fault for being born - it is their issue.
Of course, now that we are adults, it is up to us to fix the problems we've been left with.
What I finally learned that was nigh on IMPOSSIBLE to get my head around, no less heart, but it was key to getting better: Your parents will probably NEVER CHANGE and it's not up to you to convince them to see you, anymore. Getting ourselves healthy after this type of parenting is a full-time job if we are really committed to the process.
It's hard but worth it!!!
I wAs 9 the first time I told my mom her life would be easier if I was never born. I am in my 40s now and still dealing with this.
So amazing. I so wish I could have therapy with you Dr Lindsay. You have described my mother and my childhood absolutely spot on. At last lots of things make sense, but I’ve been left with the scars of my mother’s emotional immaturity and they are hard to fix!
Very interesting. Reflecting on my own parenting, I recognise different aspects of those different emotionally immature parent types in my own responses to my children. And it's usual dependent on my energy levels and degree of self awareness. Then thinking of why I, at times, behave in emotionally immature ways, I can see clear links to my own upbringing. My parents are now in their 80s and still behave in emotionally immature, self absorbed, unaware ways. Age really does not matter here. Self awareness is the key. I'm totally an internaliser.
:O so many dots connecting for me right now. A weight off my shoulders sense of clarity in identifying the root cause....
3:19 that shutting down emotions issue so odd, it is like your parents rather go to hospital cause you been in a car accident but cant process if you want to have a real conversation what you are struggling with emotionally in life lately. Are emotions that scary ?
Yo this was as good as therapy for me. Hit the nail on the head and I heard exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you
The book is such an eye opener. It explains everything.
I’m only 10 minutes in but I’m impressed with the accuracy of the information. This can’t have been easy to accrue, both from a research methods perspective and from the emotional toll on the researcher for engaging with, from my own personal experience, the most harrowing awful, and intimate parts of peoples lives.
This is the best thing I've heard all my life! Saving and will listen to again and again! Thank you
When I found her book and read it, I literally was like, "omg this is about my situation" - I have never identified more than I have with this book. It's been an eye-opener. I wish I could do a therapy session with you, Dr. Lindsay. Are there recommendations for therapists that can help with this?
I agree! It would be amazing to see her. Be aware that you see a psychotherapist for this type of work, who will help you navigate your past, as opposed to a psychologist who will try to keep you in the here and now with methods like CBT and ACT, which can be very frustrating when you've have a light bulb moment about this stuff. I've reached almost full recovery from BPD via psychotherapy and DBT. It's very powerful. I hope this helps you toward the right person.
That's amazing to hear Mia! What is DBT? I could definitely do with a good psychotherapist too.
@@rebecca_stone exactly, Mia. CBT feels very invalidating and irrelevant to me when I know my problems are deeply rooted and need to be properly processed from the inside out. This kind of thing requires a psychologist well-versed in complex trauma. DBT can help with emotional regulation, etc. but definitely alongside trauma processing.
Internal Family Systems therapists would likely be a really great fit for anyone delving into these issues (or, really just about anything). She actually references IFS concepts like « Self » and Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS. He’s also written some great books too - you can even check it out here on youtube for more info. And search for IFS therapists in your area 🌟🌸💖
Great question Christina❣️ Indeed, where are these therapists?!
I've worked through this stuff with my emotionally and physically neglectful parents years ago. But, it's a thing I guess I'll have to keep dealing with for maybe the rest of my life bc they haven't changed nor amended their behavior. So be it. It's maddening sometimes.
That's the realization I'm having. I don't think I'll ever become normal because of this and I just find myself harboring resentment.
Thank you, her work has helped and validated me immensely and especially helped with learning what pitfalls to look for because we sure do adjust and adjust and adjust to whomever we are around!
Doesn't this presuppose that the individual was resilient enough to develop a self despite not having been given what they needed from their EIP? Not everyone has stand-ins in their lives to shore up what was missed in childhood, especially when the loss was tremendous.
Thanks for the great podcast! The book had me literally gasping in places - thank you both!
Wow ! Thank you SO MUCH ! ❤
thank you! I needed this
AMAZING content here! There's so much to unpack. This is very helpful. Thanks
This was extremely helpful for me in understanding my relationships with my parents, Dr. Lindsay’s answers were very insightful and thoughtful with great examples and the interviewer’s questions were exactly what I was asking in my head, this was the best UA-cam video I’ve ever seen! Thank you both for your work
Thank you! Very informative and I feel the hosts asked great questions to really get to the heart of the matter.
Beautiful thank you for sharing and helping so many sufferers process what's happened to them as a child better!
OH MY GOD, DR. GIBSON, YOU ARE A GENIUS. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR WISDOM AND YOUR SEEING AND YOUR CLARITY on this topic. I'm so grateful that you've published your wisdom.
Loved this discussion so much!
So helpful, thank you so much for doing this video!
This was really useful, thanks so much guys
This is a treasure chest of information and helps me in my great hope in being able to establish boundaries!
Thank you eversomuch Dr. Gibson for your highly valuable work!
Loads of recognition. Describes my mother entirely. I'll be buying Lindsay Gibson's books for sure. Great questions from the interviewer too. Thank you for this video.
My mother always said I was too deep.
This is relatable, she doesnt say it, but when i try to get serious or ask her to attend therapy, she says "it's in the past" meanwhile, she is just fine with bringing up stuff I said years ago...
Appreciate this detailed video thank you!
She is a GEM!!!!!!!
So helpful. Bonkers resonance with me. Too much to describe, but I wish I had learned this twenty years ago, or right from the start. Grateful!
This is an excellent therapist, Lindsay Gibson, Phd and an excellent interview. No one has touched the reality of having an immature parent! Kudos to you both!
I have evaluated my mother many years, yet never thought of her as immature. One day I realized that I still held my childhood emotions about my beautiful mother - I adored her. Then, it occurred to me that I had worked through so much of my dysfunctional parental family dynamics that I was now a mature woman. I asked myself if it was still appropriate for me to think of my mother as I did as a little girl.
Actually, I've had mixed feelings about her many, many years since attempting to dig into my dysfunctional childhood. Suddenly, I began to carry updated, more accurate emotional feelings about her. I am slowly seeing her with the identity through which she operated. When we are healing ourselves we integrate our past experiences and emotions into our more mature selves. It's almost miraculous! I've had a successful interaction with you both! Thank you - this stuff is invaluable.
AMAZING. Thank you.
Thanks for your book, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy. For a long time I have wondered why I have lost my passion. Your book said when belittled or shamed for expressing one's dreams or even taste in clothing can do this, it started to make. How do I get my passion back? I haven't read the entire book but am in the process.
Would a parent who gives the child silent treatment for doing something they “don’t like” an emotionally immature parent? And which type?
Absolutely, it’s pure emotional neglect because of effectively dealing with the problem the child is shunned and shamed instead of disciplined through addressing the problem, talking about it one on one, and coming to an understanding between what is okay and not
Thank you I much for these bodies you don’t know how much it helps. It helps to know that others in my situation turned out the same so I am not the only messed up person.
As I’m listening I’m not just resonating as the child but how I’ve taken all this mess w me as a parent now
Good one, Jack. Only you could have dredged this up! This is our connection - we are Internalizers!
I just bought 2 of her books. I look forward to reading them and continuing to heal from my childhood.
55:40 successful interaction vs expecting the Emotionally imatue person to understand you.
When she said how our duty to take care of our parent is “that big a deal” I almost lost it. I cannot explain to anyone in my life what it feels like to be my mother’s keeper. I feel insane trying to explain it. It’s a drive. I’m all she has and it is my job. Though I have gotten a million times better at boundaries, I will never lose the drive to want to fix her life and make her happy at all costs.
Wow very helpful ❤
Wow! Ugh yes. Thank you!
I definitely fall under that caretaker role and have developed anxious/ avoidant attachment styles. I often fawn to my parents even now as an adult I put my needs on the back burner. I've gotten better as I've learned and grown. My dad is definitely passive and my mom is maybe a mix of all of them in different moments setting boundaries with most of my family members have been hard but it's something that I learned I have to do it's still hard but I've definitely been working on it .
That's why it's extremely important that couples have to be on the same page in life if they are wanting the same things such as marriage, family, financial stability, etc even if it means one parent would have to come to an agreement on how the children will be raised while the other supports the family. Even these agreements need to stem from emotional maturity and being ready. When a married couple agrees on marriage but not ready for children then one day the wife says she's pregnant, that will also be a very tough decision because one parent may be emotionally ready and the other isn't but will lie and say they are. This is also where Dr. Gibson mentions the third and fourth type where they are emotionally withdrawn from their children or pretend that they are interested in their children but are still pretty self pre-occupied. This is really scary, but everyone knows in their soul if they are emotionally ready or emotionally immature. I think there should be a podcast on the researches of whom believes they are emotionally mature vs emotionally immature so we can monitor where the brain takes us. I find this to be also interesting before children are brought up in an emotionally immature household. Thank you for sharing this podcast. I wish I had stumbled upon this a year ago!
1. Emotional type - tiring to be around, everything gets to them
2. Driven - looks normal, invested in children, workaholics, I value what you do well, lack of emotional intimacy, not great with empathy
3. Rejecting parent - don’t enjoy people, children. Cold irritated personality
4. Passive - standing by, might have empathy, not likely to step in and shield the child from the other parent
Thank you
I think it's important to try and think a bit more deeply why parents behave in certain ways and how these behaviours are passed down. As a child of emotionally immature parents, how am I replicating these behaviours? I worry how I have repeated these things with my own son. I want the pattern to stop here.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
01:13 🧠 Emotionally immature parents exhibit characteristics such as self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, limited self-reflection, and discomfort with emotional intimacy.
03:34 🙍♀️ There are four types of emotionally immature parents: Emotional, Driven, Rejecting, and Passive, each with distinct characteristics and behaviors.
08:52 🤝 Common combinations include a Passive parent with one of the other three types, which can create a more balanced family dynamic.
14:15 📚 Emotional immaturity is a concept different from personality disorders, though many personality disorders may exhibit emotional immaturity traits.
19:44 🧐 Internalizers are individuals who turn inward to deal with life, often characterized by deep empathy, self-awareness, and sensitivity.
26:18 🛠️ Therapists should address the deep emotional motives behind the burden of responsibility adult children of emotionally immature parents may feel, rather than just offering practical solutions.
27:28 🧠 Successful interactions with emotionally immature parents require staying connected to your sense of self during the interaction.
35:47 🏆 Emotionally mature parents treat their children with respect, kindness, and patience, fostering emotional safety.
41:22 🤔 Awareness of one's emotional maturity and a willingness to address past psychological issues are essential before becoming a parent.
47:09 💡 Emotional safety in childhood is foundational for secure attachments and healthy self-development.
53:02 🤝 Instead of seeking to transform emotionally immature parents, focus on having successful individual interactions while maintaining your sense of self.
55:50 🚧 Successful interaction with emotionally immature parents may leave you feeling like a failure, emphasizing the importance of managing expectations and setting boundaries.
56:32 🔄 Repeating your wishes is a crucial skill when dealing with emotionally immature parents (EIPs) as they are vulnerable to repetition and often make a fuss when boundaries are set.
58:23 🛠️ The healing process for adult children of emotionally immature parents involves acknowledging the depth of distress, honoring one's inner world, recognizing the multiplicity of personality, asserting individual rights, and grieving over lost opportunities.
01:04:48 💡 A central principle in therapy is to discover and honor one's true self, guiding individuals towards personal growth and self-discovery.
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So many categorizations can short circuit a more complete diagnosis.
At one point they talk about sensitivity, a lot of what she spoke about is in Sensitive by Jenn Granneman, Andre Solo. This is a great book about sensitive people.
Very interesting categorization and appreciate this interview. Dr. Gibson, why and how these four categories attract?
Each of these defined categorizations are semi one dimensional, as Dr. Gibson mentions.
A more mature adult would tire of a partner, who is struggling to behave in emotionally immature ways on daily basis. Because it doesn't look or feel like an adult relationship.
Of these emotional silos, (I call it a coping style for the parents proximity to "Adulting") I have encountered several other types of primary emotionally immature "adult" parenting styles to add to the four presented here.
The pairing of these emotionally immature types, appear to be "emotional fall
out" from cumulative family of origin traunas, which the two emotionally immature parents sort of come to an agreement of how they will handle (or often times not handle,..) when "Adulting" especially when it involves Parenting.
The interaction of two different types of emotionally immature parents can create extreme and complex traumas in their children or anyone dependent upon them. Particularly for a young child seeking to find any real adult figure in their family e.g. seeking a developmental source of wholesome stability, including love and support.
The intensity of the emotional immaturity of parents upon their families and children, is something that we have come into a time to recognize and heal from.
I’d love to hear another one but with no time limit. Just talk to her for hours and let her thoughts guide the conversation.
If these abused people could get out of this boat in a real way then everybody could stop trying to cope with the hole in the bottom of the boat, these people are always baking water while the abusers have damaged the boat beyond repair.
i'm like oh man, i wish my mom would have talked and explained things to me like that instead of turning to immediate reactiveness or plain physical assault - i might have ruled the world, lol, now i just suck, but listening to Dr. Gibson i can put things together at least. kind regards and thanks very much!
💫👏so true💛
Amazinf
I’m truly resonating with this now that I am a parent and all my childhood wounds come up in trying to be a better parent myself. Finally! An explanation of my confusing and lonely childhood.
I was raised by a narcissist father and thus when I had my son I left his father because he was a narcissist. I realize I was an emotionally immature mother but couldn’t bare my son to be raised by a narcissist. I completely unconditionally loved my son but he can’t let go of the anger at me for leaving his Dad 😢
Did you explain your own history to him?
Wow, I wish I heard this sooner. I recently got away from some ppl that are adult children. I could give countless examples of the behavior and it saddens me and I wish they would take responsibility for themselves and not feel the need to rely on other ppl. It feels like I am behind by 10 years, however, if I didn’t have these experiences and I am one who internalizes more than externalizes I perhaps would not have stumbled across narcissistic traits and the temperament part of peoples personalities it is interesting. We cant just dismiss it as well they or no one is perfect … that phrase does not analyze or critically think about the behaviors or the behavioral patterns and which ones you don’t want to be around.
I feel like I was a pretty solid emotional- but at diff times I was rejecting, def passive when it came to family and others bc of my people pleasing bologna- I used to just say I was codependent addict no self esteem… but I think I resonate w these characteristics, unfortunately fortunately… but sheesh- my poor daughter, if only I could’ve been open to this stuff and been able to see how his effects my kiddos
ACA changed my view on this topic.
what or who is ACA?
ACA changed may life. I'm grateful for recovery and the program. Good to see a fellow traveler! 💜
@@TheXxsuperxxchickxx ACA=Adult Chiildren Of Alcoholics/Dsyfunction
@@TheXxsuperxxchickxx I think it's Adult Children of Alcoholics but not sure.
@@zsuzsuspetals it is adult children of alcoholics. It's a self help group setup, where adult children meet and talk about their past and find a "sponsor" a person who walks them through the 12 steps of recovering as a adult child. I have left it, but I keep thinking of going back to it..
I’m an internalizer for sure
Sometimes some of these characteristics manifest in a parent if the spouse is narcissistically abusive because the parent is constantly stretched beyond their abilities and boundaries.
How can one find a therapist specialized in childhood trauma? I am in Canada.
31:35 For anyone that wanna know what Gibson have to say about grown-up people of emocional immature parents in relationships.
Are you taking new patients?
To many adds! Couldn’t finish this!
We need to teach that the children who are taught their needs come second to their parents are also taught the same message by their teachers in school, then it’s reiterated by bosses later, and always the omnipresent governments. It is oppression taught at various levels, by various people to various degrees. Social and behavioral scientists have a tremendous amount of work to do to start providing leadership strategies to create social justice for all. These behaviors that harm, immature or not, are most often products of experiencing different flavors of violence. Violence is a chronic pandemic in our world and local communities, yet it is one of the most neglected focuses of study and societal advocacy. Cultural violence breeds systemic violence, breeds direct and indirect violence. We deserve better and must teach people to be proactive and preventative over being reactive to harms in our worlds.
This is a great interview. I'm still listening but just wanted to pause and write this comment. I think we have to acknowledge that as the emotionally immature parent ages, their quality of life very well could be lower and their world may fall apart without assistance from their more mature child/children. I worked in U.S. healthcare for 20 years and I saw what it was like for older people in hospitals and nursing homes who had no one. It was way worse for them than for those who had family support. We like to think that someone else will come to the assistance of the parent if the child refuses, but unless someone jumps in to make this happen (either providing time, resources, or both), the emotionally immature parent is left to fend for themselves in a much diminished capacity (including cognitively and physically).
Additionally, the emotionally immature parent may be less able to deal with certain, serious situations without the help of the child. The consequences of either withdrawing help (or not helping at all) are very real. I dealt with this in my own family situation where one time I quietly withdrew my assistance and the outcome was almost disastrous (not an understatement) so I jumped back in because it would have adversely affected everyone involved, including myself and both parents. With all this said, it is certainly the right of the child/children not to help or provide assistance if the parent didn't properly care for them (or outright abused them) during their youth. Too often the abusive parent forgets the past and continues to focus on their needs as they age. It's truly a tightrope to walk between doing what is moral and just verses withdrawing oneself from an untenable situation. So many people, including myself, wrestle with where to draw that line.
My husband and I would say she’s a very young soul.
To me it seems like the externaliser and the emotional parent are sort of the same person, am I wrong? Haven't read the book, only listened to this.
And what is the percentage of those "emotionally immature parents" among all of the parents nowadays?
About 95% at least….
If you hve children , to where you are clearly hurting them thats cluster abc, its beyond being emotionally immature especially when its consistently . Stop giving these sicko parents a pass
I can't finish this. Trauma responses should be glorified to this degree. Sensitivity is not a super power, it's a survival strategy.
What?
Do you mean shouldn't?
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