Sometimes , the parent has to withdraw from the adult child's unwillingness to respect boundaries is from a place of PROTECTION FROM ABUSE BY NARCISSISTIC ADULT CHILDREN .....
@@Cissy318if you look at the models that may/may not be true, but it is heritable so I always cringe when family members start accusing each other of NPD. Like maybe she is just selfish and controlling.
I have been realistic about my relationship with my adult child,; it hurts emotionally. But, There are millions of dad's and mom's who are continuing to blame themselves for not keeping the friendship (relationship) strong and healthy.. I am happy to have found this excellent conversation focused on the adult child and parent. It helps confirms my belief, God is looking, and he answers prayers. Thank you.
Some parents don't put boundaries in place because they, themselves, are so afraid of abandonment. An unheated wound from their own childhood. They haven't done the work on themselves, so it continues on as dysfunctional parenting.
Many times when there is relational problems, for whatever reason, it’s the elephant in the room and will inevitably be a thorn in the relationship until dealt with.
Absolutely. If someone has walked away, until that elephant is addressed the person who left is unlikely to 'carry on'/resume the relationship like the elephant isn't there. The person who left knows what the elephant is but if the person who got walked away from refuses to see it, what can be done? And that's why estrangement happens. One party refuses to see the elephant and the person who can can't compel the person who doesn't to open their eyes. That's why they walked away and stay away.
I feel as my x just can’t stand me having a relationship with my adult children. He always put me down as a parent, and my kids disrespect me and don’t have respect for me as a parent. How do I get them to stop listening to their dad about me and get to know me. Parents should never keep children to love each parent.
Reading this book now. I highly recommend it for not only parent-child issues. But co-worker and friend issues as well. I also recommend the follow-up book Beyond Boundaries.
Hmmm. Maybe. I’ve studied human nature my whole life and I’m not convinced conversations as suggested, can even be started. Adult children may or may not even acknowledge a text or e-mail. At least in Utah.
Thanks so much for sharing such great content with us. I myself have a deep sorrow in my heart. Divorce created a deep wound, I believe in the three of us, but speaking for myself, I feel burdened emotionally, and my now adult child ignores me deeply, and there's more. I never thought I would find such hope in this video. I look forward to buy the book, or even I hope, I can talk with Dr. Townsend.
Hello, friend. We understand what you are facing and would like to support you in prayer, asking our Heavenly Father to heal your hurt, fill you with His peace and help you find joy in His presence. Also, did you know we have a staff of licensed Christian counselors here at Focus? One of them would be happy to have the chance to talk with you about all that you’re facing. You may call weekdays from 6:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M. (MT) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459). When you get in touch, a Family Help Center staff member will take your contact information and arrange for a professional counselor to return your call as soon as possible. There’s no cost to you - we just want to help in any way we can. God be with you.
The prodigal son’s father did not reach out to the prodigal son after he left. The father is only heard to have reached out when the child realizes his life choices that led to being alone and a not satisfying life and the son returns.
I agree We should forgive and be ready to welcome them back when they come to their senses but I don’t agree with begging them to tell us all the ways they say we went wrong.
I don't know what your specific situation is, but saying things like, "until they come to their senses" successfully smuggles in the ASSUMPTION that you are not the one in the wrong. That may not be the case (& no judgement here even if it is! we're ALL human and NO child comes into this world EXPECTING a perfect parent - those just don't exist. Lol) However, as an adult child in my 30s who's been No-Contact w/ my parents for 6 years now, I encourage you not to over-spiritualize the prodigal son story and talk yourself into thinking that sitting on your hands as a parent is somehow biblical. Afterall, Jesus is called, "The Hound of Heaven" precisely BECAUSE He chases us down to restore relationship w/ us! And, despite the depth of pain my parents & I have caused each other (which led to our estrangement)......one of the MOST hurtful things to me as an adult is that they have STILL made absolutely ZERO attempt to come after me. As an adult child, it's a soul-deep punch to the gut to find out first-hand that your own parents DON'T actually think that you're WORTH coming after... That hurts in a way that finalizes all the pain that came before, tbh. I'll never understand how they birthed me, carried me, raised me......but still would rather cling to their pride & any shred of authority they imagine that they might still have.........over & against their own child. I'm sure that there's been plenty of wrong done on both sides of your situation.........but that kind of rejection from your own parents.....it changes a person forever.
@@audrajeanrussell8066 there are many different specifics in each individual that make what should or should not be the part played by the parties involved. My situation was what seems opposite yours for example. My parents wouldn't give me room to breath, wanting control of me even now in my 40s And they only seem to desire control in what should have been my decisions in life not theirs. They don't know how to parent otherwise not do they see this way they are doing. They don't see that they never ever nurtured me the way many parents know how to nurture. My parents don't know how to nurture. And knowing my grandparents they didn't know how to nurture either. I'm praying for all parties involved in your situation and others as well as mine that Gods will be done in all of us and through us And to Help all of us in and through this to deal with His will in the way that He would have us deal so that the ultimate outcome is what's best overall. I do hope that my words to you are able to be understood as intended 💛
@@audrajeanrussell8066 perhaps they don't know how (internally) to come after you. As you mentioned their pride. This may be a reason, and maybe they don't know they are being proud.
I'm here as an adult daughter, preparing to grieve a relationship with my mom. She won't even have a conversation to establish boundaries and expectations.
I love what you all are saying about dealing with toxicity and mending but what happens when it's the mother who is showing toxic behavior towards the adult child. I've been experiencing that in my own life with my mother for years. I have been married for 16 years and have 2 girls that are in their teens. And my mother has never been supportive of me or my husband in our marriage and I have continually trying to show love and grace and kindness but I. Recently just disconnected from her and my sister. This happened 6 months after my father left my mom. The triangulation you talk about it's not between me and my siblings but it's between my mom and my sister. How do you navigate that when you are quote on quote the scapegoat child and adult child in a Christian family.
Hello, Linda. We'd like to talk more and offer the right resources. Please call 1-800-A-FAMILY at your convenience. In the meantime, check out this article: bit.ly/3qn2JHg. Grace and peace!
I need to keep reminding myself how painful it was before the breech. I lived 15 year in magical thinking. Wishing, hoping, praying but still disrespectful abuse. 15years is long enough. Now I am grieving the loss of a dream. It still hurts.
If you have to chase after someone's love, they don't love you. A lot of people like to blame the parents for the adult children's behavior, but if you are choosing to be nasty and abusive to someone, you are responsible for your own behavior. Even if parents have made mistakes, it doesn't justify being abusive to them. There is no excuse for abusive behavior on either side.
Both of my adult daughters act as if I’m not enough or I’m too much. In public, they try to shush me, answer for me, act as if I’m an embarrassment, ignore me, etc. They hurt me deeply, altho I rarely say anything to them about it. If I do, my 27 year old daughter immediately expresses remorse, apologizes, cries, hugs me and tells me she loves me. “Repentance isn’t when you cry. It’s when you change.” Rosaria Butterfield. My 32 year old daughter takes no responsibility for her dishonoring treatment of me, and acts cold towards me, as she perpetually sets me straight about how wrong I am and how I hurt her in childhood! CHILDHOOD! My two 37 year old sons do not treat me this way, thankfully.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY 33!YEAR OLD DAUGHTER DOES TO ME.! She gets my others adult kids hating on me too. IM SOOO SICK OF IT! THEY NEED TO TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR LIVES INSTEAD OF BLAMING ME. I could cough and it upset her and embarrass her.
I’m sorry Ginny you are dealing with that. Sometimes until our children become parents they don’t understand. I have a greater appreciation for my parents the older I get. I’m 42 now. My 4 children are 8-17. And I also understand more, now I have children, why my parents did the things they did. Blessings to you
Exactly! I used to believe their narrative about divorce as well until I went through Divorce Care. No one was there because they got into a fight about the dishes. And almost everyone present had fought hard for years to try to save their relationship.
The problem with setting boundaries is that there is the danger of controlling in the name of setting a boundary. I don’t want either to control or be controlled. Sometimes setting a boundary violates someone else’s boundary.
It wiuld be interesting to hear the take in emeshed parent-child relationships and adult children learning self-differentiation and the difficulty in navigating that relationship
I think you may be missing another possibility and that is, at least for adult children either raised in Utah and/or living in Utah who have acquired narcissistic personality. and yes I am intentionally leaving out other states. My adult children were raised in Colorado but changed once we moved to Utah. I see this personality disorder prevailing in Utah in an incredibly large portion of of both male and female, who are toxic i.e. narcissist or borderline personalities. Also, there are three men on this podcast who look at these situations quite differently than a mother/woman would.
I love this series do you have any materials for a parent who has an adult child living at home? I see this more and more often and it becomes a very big challenge with regards to boundaries, respect and consideration in cohabiting with adult children.
Hello, friend! Please check out these links: bit.ly/3Sva3Ng, bit.ly/3Y60ZzL and bit.ly/3Zik2aU. Also, if it's a personal situation that you're facing, feel free to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Blessings!
really enjoyed this video, Dr. Townsend always brings such valuable insights. but honestly, i feel like sometimes we overemphasize the parent-child dynamic, and it can overlook the importance of personal responsibility as adults. what do you guys think?
I am experiencing exactly what your talking about with my daughter,as we disagree on the issue of abortion.She is for it,I am against it.She refuses to discuss it.left me feeling deep grief.
Do you have any advice on how to handle the estrangement from an adult child when it's a grandparenting situation and we have concerns about the environment of the grandchild?
Thanks for sharing your question with us, Berta. To talk more and offer appropriate assistance, we encourage you to call one of our counselors (at no cost to you) at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). May God bless and guide you and yours.
I've had to learn to set boundaries with my parents. One of the first things I had to understand was to not take their comments/ reactions personally. They have a hard time accepting me for who I am, and they still want to push their opinions and convictions on me. In those moments I am learning to respectfully say no, or make it clear that topic is not open for discussion. It limits our conversations a lot, but for the sake of maintaining family ties, I am willing to overlook some things and be clear on others
You have to decide what you want from the relationship. I want my parents to know that I love them and I want my children to know their grandparents. So I will overlook certain things but I won't hesitate to cut a visit short if a boundary is crossed.
What if a parent has TOO much control and is leveraging too much and secretly doesn't want their children to leave their homes and their lives becusse the parent "needs to be needed"?
I'm an adult child and I have read the book and tried to set boundaries with my parents and there is no respect of the boundaries on there part.what should I do we don't have a relationship at this time
Hello, Stacey, and thanks for sharing your concerns. As part of our ministry here at Focus on the Family, we have a staff of counselors available to offer reassurance, answer questions, and pray with you. We’d like to invite you to call one of them at your convenience at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) weekdays between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a licensed counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they’re able. We’re praying for you and your parents. May the Lord lead you to the help you’re seeking.
I heard a teaching on the difference between grief and sorrow. Grief is a spirit. Isaiah said Jesus died for our griefs. Sorrow is what we feel. Can you give me your view on this.
If an adult child moves away and shifts values but keeps in touch remotely, does visiting their distant home build the bridge or deter their desire to visit you?
Mother -daughter relationships are so difficult… I thought we were best friends… it was deceitful apparently… she had bitternesses over tiny things…facts don’t matter though… it’s all feelings
I have a kind of estranged relationship with parents More like somewhat superficial They are okay for the adult kids to visit them but they don’t visit adult kids My husband and me only live 1 block away My dad was visiting us when he was bored watching television but mom told him it was better if they came together and only in a invitation
Hello I have a situation with my daughter, she married 3 years ago and last year she decided to cut all relationships with us and not contact with anyone that is related as a family. What should I do?
Thanks for contacting Focus, Evelin. We’re very sorry to lean that you’re experiencing the difficulties you described in your relationship with your daughter. We realize you’re hurting as you consider what to do and search for solutions. We’d like to lend a hand in any way we can. Be assured of our prayers for you this week, asking our Heavenly Father to surround you with His love and comfort you with His peace. We’ll also pray that He draw you and your daughter closer to Himself and bring healing and restoration to your relationship in the days ahead. Also, so that we might come alongside you in a way that addresses your specific situation, we encourage you to call one of our licensed counselors (at no cost to you). You may call 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) weekdays between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT). Meanwhile, you might want to check out our article on “Family Estrangement: 6 Ways to Reconcile with Adult Children” here: bddy.me/3rocg1R Thanks again for writing. friend. God’s best to you and yours.
Can you address when you have parents who refuse to adhere to letting a child go and saying they are but use manipulation and a narcissistic family manipulative system to draw them back into the unhealthy family system to keep full control over the adult childs decisions and behavior, as he is and adult with an adults mind and they are making their own decisions as an adult the parents dont approve of and so they send family members to talk the sibling out of the life they wish to live as a legal adult because its not in accordance to how the parent wants the adult child to live. The adult child has constant indecision to make decisions on his own as they try to and the messages from the parents confuse them from knowing their self and undermine the adult childs mental health and autonomy because both parents have unhealthy enmeshed attachment issues making the child feel their only obligation is to love their parents and still obey them and their rules at 28. What does one do when parents read the books and dont apply the respectful rules to allow the child to be an adult. The parents do everything to lure the child to move back home with money and gifts, the parents are sick and unwell and always demand love and never acknowledge their wrong ways of dominion and demand for them to be the center of the adult childs world who now wants his own autonomy and world. What hope is their for constant disrespect from Parents who refuse to stop being parents to an adult child who needs to separate to become the adult mentally and physically without being constantly shamed when hes trying to find his own identity, make his own decisions apart from their severe demand for emeshment that is unhealthy at this point in the adults life. Sometimes children have no choice to leave a severely unhealthy family system to become their own person and to find out who they are. When one has a family system that uses guilt, diminishment and dominion so one cannot exist except the parents needs wishes and wants, how can this be done unless there is no contact. The child chooses no contact often for very good reason.
Thanks for you comments, friend. Although each family's dynamic is unique, we do have a Q&A that speaks to this issue: www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/grown-child-feels-like-hes-still-treated-as-a-kid/. The books Boundaries, Changes that Heal, and Peacemaking for Families (all available at store.focusonthefamily.com/) also lend insight and practical help. And our counselors are here to offer one-on-one guidance (855-771-4357). God's blessings to you!
I would recommend to definitely read the Boundaries book. It really helps process the emotions involved, which is half the battle (at least). Go slowly and process the root of the emotions and the thoughts involved. Start anywhere in the book, and hit the topics as you best need them. It really is a helpful resource. (I was skeptical when a friend recommended it, but it explains the origins of so much and makes so much sense of the whys and then gives concrete ideas to implement at your own pace.)
This was done many times, the mom tramples on all the boundaries laid and guilts the child for them telling him hes a bad mean son when he sets the boundaries and she scapegoats the son and gaslights him. Any independence and assertion of his boundary setting she sees as disrespect and tells him hes cruel. The mom is a narcissist and its an abusive relationship. Wish it were that easy as you suggest. Thanks for the comments.
@@thespiritualadvocate It's NOT easy at all. And it doesn't change the other person necessarily. It's a way to create enough space and a protection in yourself to be healthier within a situation. It's a continuous process. It's scary and hard, but it is transformative. Having someone to vent to and encourage you, I've found, is also extremely helpful and a key to more lasting changes. (It's a needed counter-balance to the negative harshness and frustration which you describe that becomes discouraging.)
Are parents toxic and overprotective when they don't approve of their adult daughter's boyfriend who is a recovering addict, unemployed, father of two (different mothers)..never held them, never provided for them: absent dad? Its difficult to say nothing when you see your child heading the wrong way...
My son has a victim complex. No matter how he treated me, if I got upset or gave a consequence, he became the automatic victim. He went to my relatives and told them I am an abuser. But what about how he pushed me to the limit after asking him to do things 5-10 times patiently? He pushed me to anger on purpose! He graduated last week and I took him to the beach the 3 days after. He was mean and scoffing about anything while there. He came home and called his father to come pick him up. We broke up when he was 5 and gave him a concussion through harsh discipline by pushing him seriously hard and he hit his head. Now he’s joining dads camp and calling Me an abuser. I know his dad has fueled the fire. It shocked me, and broke my heart. He told me he doesn’t need me anymore and was so mean!
Hi, Dee! We can certainly understand the feelings you expressed. We'd like to encourage you to call us at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) to talk with one of our Christian counselors (at no cost to you.) In the meantime, please know you're in our prayers. May God be with you, and may He strengthen you daily!
Hold on, you gave him a concussion through "discipline"? I'm afraid no healthy form of discipline results in a concussion. That is considered physical abuse. And if you have zero repentance over that incident and think that injury toward him was justified, then in my opinion, counseling for yourself is the best first step.
Mine don't talk to me if they do it's mostly to demean me and from what people say about me lies to my children which they then use on me against me Otherwise my children are hardworking sweet person's Prayers for us always please
What do you do when grandchildren are taken away? The daughter will not meet with her mother. The mother has sent countless cards and letters with no response. I know the daughter loves her mother, but it has been nine months since she has seen her small grandchildren. The mother is now depressed, and going to bed at six. She can't handle it. She had a great relationship with the children and dearly loved them. Her family won't talk to her about it. When she cries, they leave. It is now Christmas, and even harder. Reaching out has not worked. The daughter says she will never see the children again. All this, because the daughters husband and the mother do not get along. I don't want to blame either one, but how would she restore this relationship.
Thank you for sharing, Marilyn. While we're not sure if this is a personal situation you described, be assured of our prayers for all involved. Also, to offer the right kind of assistance, we invite you or the person you wrote about to speak with one of our counselors at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) on weekdays between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT). We look forward to your call. God bless you.
Estrangement really isn’t that difficult at its core in my opinion. It comes down to one not being able to tolerate otherness to the extent they cannot be in the presence. That in combination with what is in my opinion, the older generation trying to browbeat responsibility and force, feed their values into their children, and expecting them to play by the rules, rather than seeing them for the multi faceted human beings that they are meeting them where they stand.. in my opinion this is nothing but a ridiculous pontification of people that are unwilling to digest the idea that not everybody things like that not everybody well and that’s OK. Two truths can exist simultaneously, and it seems to be missed on this panel
Triangulation ; "I was angry with my friend, I told my wroth my wroth did end. I was angry with my foe, I told it not my wroth did grow... " William Blake - The Poison Tree. If siblings are competative, look to the parents. They've been playing the manipulative game of favourites. They are the poison tree.
My daughter has a trans friend. My husband and I do not call them by their preferred pronoun, my daughter gets very upset about it, even if the person is not present. We do not know what to do, we don't want her to avoid us for it.
So, call the person what they want to be called because your daughter has made her feelings clear. Clearly this is a choice you are making. Are you in the habit of disregarding your daughter's feelings? If you disregard your child's feelings on something this not worth arguing over I bet you disregard her feelings on the regular about other things. That's what she'll be walking away from and please don't pretend (when she stops talking to you) that you don't know why you ended up estranged. You are being disrespectful to her and her friend and she is not obliged to tolerate it. You are not obliged to be respectful but understand that the result of that is that you won't have a meaningful relationship with your daughter. It's your choice how to behave so don't blame her for her reaction whether you think her response is justified/right or not.
@@karenboazhernandez But don't complain when your child walks away... It costs nothing to respect other people while maintaining your personal beliefs. If maintaining your person beliefs drives other people away then that is a choice you are making. Stand proud and accept the consequence. If you don't like the consequence of not having a relationship with your child then make a different choice like - use the person's preferred pronouns. It's not that difficult.
I disagree, you don't ascribe to someone's insanity in order to cater to their feelings, you get them help. If they can't understand that truth is more valuable than feelings, it maybe something you can gently explain to them, and help them understand your position. If they won't understand and become estranged, wait them out. But remember, truth doesn't change, feelings do.
@@TheEllaTB The only thing the parents should be concerned about is their relationship with their daughter. If not calling daughters friend by their preferred pronouns is causing an issue in their relationship then the solution is simple - swallow pride and call the friend what daughter is requesting. If that's too much to ask then daughter should estrange, heck, she should RUN. What a low bar of respect to set and the parents are tripping over it? Sad that it needs to be explained...
18 is still a TEEN ..The brain in not fully developed until your mid 20's. As Christians we don't see things the way the WORLD sees it. We're not supposed to. Why did Jesus get baptized at the age of 30 and not 18? 30 is when you are a full blown ADULT.
Depending on the culture. My parents had to leave home at 15 and start taking care of themselves. It's really a matter of how the child has been parented
Age at which the brain is more or less fully formed is around 25 yrs of age. That’s the reason there are such stringent Insurance clauses for drivers under 25. Look up some neuroscience. Wisdom takes longer than 30yrs of age to evolve.
This guy Townsend sounds like an old fundamentalist preach when talking about forgiveness - he has no understanding of how to treat a young man that has has lost trust in his parent. His advice will absolutely not work.
Not true. One of my earliest memories as a young child is that of being in a situation where I was supposed to rely on my parents for help and I simply could not trust them. That memory burdened ne with guilt for so long because a 3yr old has a hard time understanding and making sense of such deep feelings. I say all this to make it clear I grew up in a deep culture of mistrust and I was bitter for many years. But I realized I could take responsibility for myself regardless of what my parents do. I can grow and learn even if they never want to. So I forgave them. Some memories still hurt, but they no longer control me. Forgiveness works, even if you have to work hard to reach that destination and even if the journey is long
I have not yet watched this video, so I don't know if I'm about to contradict or affirm what Mr. Townsend said, but ... Forgiveness is largely for the benefit of the forgiver, so as to be unburdened from bitterness. Notice that when Yeshua said that we should forgive "seventy-seven" or "seventy-times-seven" (depending on the text you're reading), he doesn't qualify that in any way that requires confession or repentance on the part of the offender. That idea goes completely against our nature (well, mine, at least) and is a hard pill to swallow. But that's what he taught.
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Mother -son can be very difficult . You can be an enabler and they " love " you or not an enabler and they hate you.
Sometimes , the parent has to withdraw from the adult child's unwillingness to respect boundaries is from a place of PROTECTION FROM ABUSE BY NARCISSISTIC ADULT CHILDREN .....
Boundaries!
They had a hand in that adult child becoming a narcissist.
@@Cissy318 I guess since you were there, you would know?!?
Amen! And even in many cases the vice versa!
@@Cissy318if you look at the models that may/may not be true, but it is heritable so I always cringe when family members start accusing each other of NPD. Like maybe she is just selfish and controlling.
I have been realistic about my relationship with my adult child,; it hurts emotionally. But, There are millions of dad's and mom's who are continuing to blame themselves for not keeping the friendship (relationship) strong and healthy.. I am happy to have found this excellent conversation focused on the adult child and parent. It helps confirms my belief, God is looking, and he answers prayers. Thank you.
Some parents don't put boundaries in place because they, themselves, are so afraid of abandonment. An unheated wound from their own childhood. They haven't done the work on themselves, so it continues on as dysfunctional parenting.
Very insightful thank u
Many times when there is relational problems, for whatever reason, it’s the elephant in the room and will inevitably be a thorn in the relationship until dealt with.
Yep!
Absolutely. If someone has walked away, until that elephant is addressed the person who left is unlikely to 'carry on'/resume the relationship like the elephant isn't there. The person who left knows what the elephant is but if the person who got walked away from refuses to see it, what can be done? And that's why estrangement happens. One party refuses to see the elephant and the person who can can't compel the person who doesn't to open their eyes. That's why they walked away and stay away.
read the boundaries book years ago. Not only applies to families, but also acquaintances, interactions on a daily basis.
I feel as my x just can’t stand me having a relationship with my adult children. He always put me down as a parent, and my kids disrespect me and don’t have respect for me as a parent. How do I get them to stop listening to their dad about me and get to know me. Parents should never keep children to love each parent.
Reading this book now. I highly recommend it for not only parent-child issues. But co-worker and friend issues as well.
I also recommend the follow-up book Beyond Boundaries.
Hmmm. Maybe. I’ve studied human nature my whole life and I’m not convinced conversations as suggested, can even be started. Adult children may or may not even acknowledge a text or e-mail. At least in Utah.
Thanks so much for sharing such great content with us. I myself have a deep sorrow in my heart. Divorce created a deep wound, I believe in the three of us, but speaking for myself, I feel burdened emotionally, and my now adult child ignores me deeply, and there's more. I never thought I would find such hope in this video. I look forward to buy the book, or even I hope, I can talk with Dr. Townsend.
Hello, friend. We understand what you are facing and would like to support you in prayer, asking our Heavenly Father to heal your hurt, fill you with His peace and help you find joy in His presence. Also, did you know we have a staff of licensed Christian counselors here at Focus? One of them would be happy to have the chance to talk with you about all that you’re facing. You may call weekdays from 6:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M. (MT) at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459). When you get in touch, a Family Help Center staff member will take your contact information and arrange for a professional counselor to return your call as soon as possible. There’s no cost to you - we just want to help in any way we can. God be with you.
Thanks for replying, I’ll follow up.
The prodigal son’s father did not reach out to the prodigal son after he left. The father is only heard to have reached out when the child realizes his life choices that led to being alone and a not satisfying life and the son returns.
I agree
We should forgive and be ready to welcome them back when they come to their senses but I don’t agree with begging them to tell us all the ways they say we went wrong.
I don't know what your specific situation is, but saying things like, "until they come to their senses" successfully smuggles in the ASSUMPTION that you are not the one in the wrong. That may not be the case (& no judgement here even if it is! we're ALL human and NO child comes into this world EXPECTING a perfect parent - those just don't exist. Lol)
However, as an adult child in my 30s who's been No-Contact w/ my parents for 6 years now, I encourage you not to over-spiritualize the prodigal son story and talk yourself into thinking that sitting on your hands as a parent is somehow biblical.
Afterall, Jesus is called, "The Hound of Heaven" precisely BECAUSE He chases us down to restore relationship w/ us!
And, despite the depth of pain my parents & I have caused each other (which led to our estrangement)......one of the MOST hurtful things to me as an adult is that they have STILL made absolutely ZERO attempt to come after me.
As an adult child, it's a soul-deep punch to the gut to find out first-hand that your own parents DON'T actually think that you're WORTH coming after...
That hurts in a way that finalizes all the pain that came before, tbh. I'll never understand how they birthed me, carried me, raised me......but still would rather cling to their pride & any shred of authority they imagine that they might still have.........over & against their own child.
I'm sure that there's been plenty of wrong done on both sides of your situation.........but that kind of rejection from your own parents.....it changes a person forever.
@@audrajeanrussell8066 there are many different specifics in each individual that make what should or should not be the part played by the parties involved. My situation was what seems opposite yours for example. My parents wouldn't give me room to breath, wanting control of me even now in my 40s And they only seem to desire control in what should have been my decisions in life not theirs. They don't know how to parent otherwise not do they see this way they are doing. They don't see that they never ever nurtured me the way many parents know how to nurture. My parents don't know how to nurture. And knowing my grandparents they didn't know how to nurture either. I'm praying for all parties involved in your situation and others as well as mine that Gods will be done in all of us and through us And to Help all of us in and through this to deal with His will in the way that He would have us deal so that the ultimate outcome is what's best overall. I do hope that my words to you are able to be understood as intended 💛
@@audrajeanrussell8066 in these 6 years or more, did you try even once to reach out to your parents?
@@audrajeanrussell8066 perhaps they don't know how (internally) to come after you. As you mentioned their pride. This may be a reason, and maybe they don't know they are being proud.
Thank you ♥️
I'm here as an adult daughter, preparing to grieve a relationship with my mom. She won't even have a conversation to establish boundaries and expectations.
She is probably scared
I love what you all are saying about dealing with toxicity and mending but what happens when it's the mother who is showing toxic behavior towards the adult child. I've been experiencing that in my own life with my mother for years. I have been married for 16 years and have 2 girls that are in their teens. And my mother has never been supportive of me or my husband in our marriage and I have continually trying to show love and grace and kindness but I. Recently just disconnected from her and my sister. This happened 6 months after my father left my mom. The triangulation you talk about it's not between me and my siblings but it's between my mom and my sister. How do you navigate that when you are quote on quote the scapegoat child and adult child in a Christian family.
😢thank you, this was very helpful. If you haven't listened yet, get your paper and pen ready to notes! God Bless you and your family.
I wish someone would give info on how to pray or deal with adult children who are oppressed and how to deal with them
Hello, Linda. We'd like to talk more and offer the right resources. Please call 1-800-A-FAMILY at your convenience. In the meantime, check out this article: bit.ly/3qn2JHg. Grace and peace!
⚘
I’ve just given up on the relationship I thought I would have. It’s painful and awful.
Yes. I agree. But, after 15 years of chasing for my adult son, I realized it was a fantasy. He doesn't treat me nice. So why do I want that??
I need to keep reminding myself how painful it was before the breech. I lived 15 year in magical thinking. Wishing, hoping, praying but still disrespectful abuse. 15years is long enough. Now I am grieving the loss of a dream. It still hurts.
I agree. I have no advice, only prayer.
If you have to chase after someone's love, they don't love you. A lot of people like to blame the parents for the adult children's behavior, but if you are choosing to be nasty and abusive to someone, you are responsible for your own behavior. Even if parents have made mistakes, it doesn't justify being abusive to them. There is no excuse for abusive behavior on either side.
I feel ya but don't give up.. Pray
I needed this. Age 23
Both of my adult daughters act as if I’m not enough or I’m too much. In public, they try to shush me, answer for me, act as if I’m an embarrassment, ignore me, etc. They hurt me deeply, altho I rarely say anything to them about it. If I do, my 27 year old daughter immediately expresses remorse, apologizes, cries, hugs me and tells me she loves me. “Repentance isn’t when you cry. It’s when you change.” Rosaria Butterfield. My 32 year old daughter takes no responsibility for her dishonoring treatment of me, and acts cold towards me, as she perpetually sets me straight about how wrong I am and how I hurt her in childhood! CHILDHOOD! My two 37 year old sons do not treat me this way, thankfully.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY 33!YEAR OLD DAUGHTER DOES TO ME.! She gets my others adult kids hating on me too. IM SOOO SICK OF IT! THEY NEED TO TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR LIVES INSTEAD OF BLAMING ME. I could cough and it upset her and embarrass her.
@@falloutman565 I’m so sorry! It is exceedingly heartbreaking, I know! 😔
I’m sorry Ginny you are dealing with that. Sometimes until our children become parents they don’t understand. I have a greater appreciation for my parents the older I get. I’m 42 now. My 4 children are 8-17. And I also understand more, now I have children, why my parents did the things they did. Blessings to you
@@naomi8097 Thank you for your compassion and empathy! 😊
Honor your father and mother
as if its all about disagreements of certain subjects... when grown children alienates parents.. its usually much deeper than that..
Exactly! I used to believe their narrative about divorce as well until I went through Divorce Care. No one was there because they got into a fight about the dishes. And almost everyone present had fought hard for years to try to save their relationship.
The problem with setting boundaries is that there is the danger of controlling in the name of setting a boundary. I don’t want either to control or be controlled. Sometimes setting a boundary violates someone else’s boundary.
It wiuld be interesting to hear the take in emeshed parent-child relationships and adult children learning self-differentiation and the difficulty in navigating that relationship
I would be very, very interested in this too.
I think you may be missing another possibility and that is, at least for adult children either raised in Utah and/or living in Utah who have acquired narcissistic personality. and yes I am intentionally leaving out other states. My adult children were raised in Colorado but changed once we moved to Utah. I see this personality disorder prevailing in Utah in an incredibly large portion of of both male and female, who are toxic i.e. narcissist or borderline personalities. Also, there are three men on this podcast who look at these situations quite differently than a mother/woman would.
I feel like the suggestions are not tried and true. But still monetized. Sorry. Only my opinion.
Megan Divine has great advice about grief. Read It's OK That You're Not OK.
I love this series do you have any materials for a parent who has an adult child living at home? I see this more and more often and it becomes a very big challenge with regards to boundaries, respect and consideration in cohabiting with adult children.
Hello, friend! Please check out these links:
bit.ly/3Sva3Ng, bit.ly/3Y60ZzL and bit.ly/3Zik2aU.
Also, if it's a personal situation that you're facing, feel free to talk with one of our counselors (at no cost to you). Call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). Blessings!
I feel some hope now.
really enjoyed this video, Dr. Townsend always brings such valuable insights. but honestly, i feel like sometimes we overemphasize the parent-child dynamic, and it can overlook the importance of personal responsibility as adults. what do you guys think?
Thank you!
I Will be back next Thursday!
Already listen to next week episode!
One word. Wow! In a great way
I am experiencing exactly what your talking about with my daughter,as we disagree on the issue of abortion.She is for it,I am against it.She refuses to discuss it.left me feeling deep grief.
Let. It. Go. Your daughter may carry about human life in other ways. Appreciate her for that.
Just came across this- THANK YOU I feel like we're the only ones with this issue
It’s an epidemic
Great topic!! Thank you!
Do you have any advice on how to handle the estrangement from an adult child when it's a grandparenting situation and we have concerns about the environment of the grandchild?
What do you do when the parent is the toxic one and your seeking to be the peacemaker of the family. When its the parent crossing boundaries.
Thanks for sharing your question with us, Berta. To talk more and offer appropriate assistance, we encourage you to call one of our counselors (at no cost to you) at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT). May God bless and guide you and yours.
I've had to learn to set boundaries with my parents. One of the first things I had to understand was to not take their comments/ reactions personally. They have a hard time accepting me for who I am, and they still want to push their opinions and convictions on me. In those moments I am learning to respectfully say no, or make it clear that topic is not open for discussion. It limits our conversations a lot, but for the sake of maintaining family ties, I am willing to overlook some things and be clear on others
You have to decide what you want from the relationship.
I want my parents to know that I love them and I want my children to know their grandparents. So I will overlook certain things but I won't hesitate to cut a visit short if a boundary is crossed.
@@TheEllaTBg n
💖🙏blessings&gratitude
What if a parent has TOO much control and is leveraging too much and secretly doesn't want their children to leave their homes and their lives becusse the parent "needs to be needed"?
If the child is an adult, it's time for them to set some boundaries
This was so beautiful. Thankyou.
Some relationships can't be healed because the emotionally abusive narricist parent won't ever change.
So grateful 🙏💖☕ ☘️
I'm an adult child and I have read the book and tried to set boundaries with my parents and there is no respect of the boundaries on there part.what should I do we don't have a relationship at this time
Hugs for you 💕
Hello, Stacey, and thanks for sharing your concerns. As part of our ministry here at Focus on the Family, we have a staff of counselors available to offer reassurance, answer questions, and pray with you. We’d like to invite you to call one of them at your convenience at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) weekdays between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. (MT). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a licensed counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they’re able. We’re praying for you and your parents. May the Lord lead you to the help you’re seeking.
Are you respecting theirs? Boundaries are mutual. They should be about creating mutual respect.
Helpful, thank you all
I heard a teaching on the difference between grief and sorrow. Grief is a spirit. Isaiah said Jesus died for our griefs. Sorrow is what we feel. Can you give me your view on this.
Amazing channel. Ty
Thnku so much for doin this programme i hve 2 teens this has been so hlpful to me and has imparted so much wisdom thnku🙏🙏
If an adult child moves away and shifts values but keeps in touch remotely, does visiting their distant home build the bridge or deter their desire to visit you?
What can I do when all I get is “silent treatment “ do I accept and give up?
Mother -daughter relationships are so difficult… I thought we were best friends… it was deceitful apparently… she had bitternesses over tiny things…facts don’t matter though… it’s all feelings
I have a kind of estranged relationship with parents
More like somewhat superficial
They are okay for the adult kids to visit them but they don’t visit adult kids
My husband and me only live 1 block away
My dad was visiting us when he was bored watching television
but mom told him it was better if they came together and only in a invitation
Hello I have a situation with my daughter, she married 3 years ago and last year she decided to cut all relationships with us and not contact with anyone that is related as a family. What should I do?
Thanks for contacting Focus, Evelin.
We’re very sorry to lean that you’re experiencing the difficulties you described in your relationship with your daughter. We realize you’re hurting as you consider what to do and search for solutions. We’d like to lend a hand in any way we can. Be assured of our prayers for you this week, asking our Heavenly Father to surround you with His love and comfort you with His peace. We’ll also pray that He draw you and your daughter closer to Himself and bring healing and restoration to your relationship in the days ahead.
Also, so that we might come alongside you in a way that addresses your specific situation, we encourage you to call one of our licensed counselors (at no cost to you). You may call 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) weekdays between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT). Meanwhile, you might want to check out our article on “Family Estrangement: 6 Ways to Reconcile with Adult Children” here: bddy.me/3rocg1R
Thanks again for writing. friend. God’s best to you and yours.
Or a much more mental health orientated person, Dr John deloney with the Dave Ramsey show.
Pray for Truth and Reconciliation ACKNOWLEDGEMT in Jesus name Amen Blessing's on your children and your children's children Amen
Always start with the why
Do you offer family therapy? I think in my family my kids were confused between 2 parents and I felt like I tear my family apart.
Is the boundary book available as an e-book? And how do I access it?
Wanted to do better life. I have meatless halth I am yong adult I better relaship with my moms I live my parents love better relationship mommy
Can you address when you have parents who refuse to adhere to letting a child go and saying they are but use manipulation and a narcissistic family manipulative system to draw them back into the unhealthy family system to keep full control over the adult childs decisions and behavior, as he is and adult with an adults mind and they are making their own decisions as an adult the parents dont approve of and so they send family members to talk the sibling out of the life they wish to live as a legal adult because its not in accordance to how the parent wants the adult child to live.
The adult child has constant indecision to make decisions on his own as they try to and the messages from the parents confuse them from knowing their self and undermine the adult childs mental health and autonomy because both parents have unhealthy enmeshed attachment issues making the child feel their only obligation is to love their parents and still obey them and their rules at 28.
What does one do when parents read the books and dont apply the respectful rules to allow the child to be an adult. The parents do everything to lure the child to move back home with money and gifts, the parents are sick and unwell and always demand love and never acknowledge their wrong ways of dominion and demand for them to be the center of the adult childs world who now wants his own autonomy and world.
What hope is their for constant disrespect from
Parents who refuse to stop being parents to an adult child who needs to separate to become the adult mentally and physically without being constantly shamed when hes trying to find his own identity, make his own decisions apart from their severe demand for emeshment that is unhealthy at this point in the adults life.
Sometimes children have no choice to leave a severely unhealthy family system to become their own person and to find out who they are.
When one has a family system that uses guilt,
diminishment and dominion so one cannot exist except the parents needs wishes and wants, how can this be done unless there is no contact. The child chooses no contact often for very good reason.
Thanks for you comments, friend. Although each family's dynamic is unique, we do have a Q&A that speaks to this issue: www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/grown-child-feels-like-hes-still-treated-as-a-kid/. The books Boundaries, Changes that Heal, and Peacemaking for Families (all available at store.focusonthefamily.com/) also lend insight and practical help. And our counselors are here to offer one-on-one guidance (855-771-4357). God's blessings to you!
I would recommend to definitely read the Boundaries book. It really helps process the emotions involved, which is half the battle (at least). Go slowly and process the root of the emotions and the thoughts involved. Start anywhere in the book, and hit the topics as you best need them. It really is a helpful resource. (I was skeptical when a friend recommended it, but it explains the origins of so much and makes so much sense of the whys and then gives concrete ideas to implement at your own pace.)
This was done many times, the mom tramples on all the boundaries laid and guilts the child for them telling him hes a bad mean son when he sets the boundaries and she scapegoats the son and gaslights him. Any independence and assertion of his boundary setting she sees as disrespect and tells him hes cruel. The mom is a narcissist and its an abusive relationship.
Wish it were that easy as you suggest. Thanks for the comments.
@@thespiritualadvocate It's NOT easy at all. And it doesn't change the other person necessarily. It's a way to create enough space and a protection in yourself to be healthier within a situation. It's a continuous process. It's scary and hard, but it is transformative. Having someone to vent to and encourage you, I've found, is also extremely helpful and a key to more lasting changes. (It's a needed counter-balance to the negative harshness and frustration which you describe that becomes discouraging.)
What am I supposed to do if my adult children have blocked me from every way of contacting them and they won’t speak to me?
i’m only child. my parents overreacted to the point if i was sick or skinned a knee i hid it at all costs
😅
Are parents toxic and overprotective when they don't approve of their adult daughter's boyfriend who is a recovering addict, unemployed, father of two (different mothers)..never held them, never provided for them: absent dad? Its difficult to say nothing when you see your child heading the wrong way...
But they are an adult
Let them make their mistakes
It’s called learning
My son has a victim complex. No matter how he treated me, if I got upset or gave a consequence, he became the automatic victim. He went to my relatives and told them I am an abuser. But what about how he pushed me to the limit after asking him to do things 5-10 times patiently? He pushed me to anger on purpose! He graduated last week and I took him to the beach the 3 days after. He was mean and scoffing about anything while there. He came home and called his father to come pick him up. We broke up when he was 5 and gave him a concussion through harsh discipline by pushing him seriously hard and he hit his head. Now he’s joining dads camp and calling Me an abuser. I know his dad has fueled the fire. It shocked me, and broke my heart. He told me he doesn’t need me anymore and was so mean!
Did you actually give a concussion to your 5 year old son though?
I'm in a situation where my adult son hurts me with no remorse. I have gone no contact for my own mental health
Hi, Dee! We can certainly understand the feelings you expressed. We'd like to encourage you to call us at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays between 6 A.M. and 8 P.M. (MT) to talk with one of our Christian counselors (at no cost to you.) In the meantime, please know you're in our prayers. May God be with you, and may He strengthen you daily!
Hold on, you gave him a concussion through "discipline"? I'm afraid no healthy form of discipline results in a concussion. That is considered physical abuse. And if you have zero repentance over that incident and think that injury toward him was justified, then in my opinion, counseling for yourself is the best first step.
Mine don't talk to me if they do it's mostly to demean me and from what people say about me lies to my children which they then use on me against me
Otherwise my children are hardworking sweet person's
Prayers for us always please
What do you do when grandchildren are taken away? The daughter will not meet with her mother. The mother has sent countless cards and letters with no response. I know the daughter loves her mother, but it has been nine months since she has seen her small grandchildren. The mother is now depressed, and going to bed at six. She can't handle it. She had a great relationship with the children and dearly loved them. Her family won't talk to her about it. When she cries, they leave. It is now Christmas, and even harder. Reaching out has not worked. The daughter says she will never see the children again. All this, because the daughters husband and the mother do not get along. I don't want to blame either one, but how would she restore this relationship.
Thank you for sharing, Marilyn. While we're not sure if this is a personal situation you described, be assured of our prayers for all involved. Also, to offer the right kind of assistance, we invite you or the person you wrote about to speak with one of our counselors at 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) on weekdays between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT). We look forward to your call. God bless you.
Estrangement really isn’t that difficult at its core in my opinion. It comes down to one not being able to tolerate otherness to the extent they cannot be in the presence. That in combination with what is in my opinion, the older generation trying to browbeat responsibility and force, feed their values into their children, and expecting them to play by the rules, rather than seeing them for the multi faceted human beings that they are meeting them where they stand.. in my opinion this is nothing but a ridiculous pontification of people that are unwilling to digest the idea that not everybody things like that not everybody well and that’s OK. Two truths can exist simultaneously, and it seems to be missed on this panel
Triangulation ; "I was angry with my friend, I told my wroth my wroth did end. I was angry with my foe, I told it not my wroth did grow... " William Blake - The Poison Tree.
If siblings are competative, look to the parents. They've been playing the manipulative game of favourites. They are the poison tree.
Love covers multitude sins bible truth
My daughter has a trans friend. My husband and I do not call them by their preferred pronoun, my daughter gets very upset about it, even if the person is not present. We do not know what to do, we don't want her to avoid us for it.
Stand in truth
You are not helping her or her friend by condoning a lie
So, call the person what they want to be called because your daughter has made her feelings clear. Clearly this is a choice you are making. Are you in the habit of disregarding your daughter's feelings? If you disregard your child's feelings on something this not worth arguing over I bet you disregard her feelings on the regular about other things. That's what she'll be walking away from and please don't pretend (when she stops talking to you) that you don't know why you ended up estranged. You are being disrespectful to her and her friend and she is not obliged to tolerate it. You are not obliged to be respectful but understand that the result of that is that you won't have a meaningful relationship with your daughter. It's your choice how to behave so don't blame her for her reaction whether you think her response is justified/right or not.
@@karenboazhernandez But don't complain when your child walks away... It costs nothing to respect other people while maintaining your personal beliefs. If maintaining your person beliefs drives other people away then that is a choice you are making. Stand proud and accept the consequence. If you don't like the consequence of not having a relationship with your child then make a different choice like - use the person's preferred pronouns. It's not that difficult.
I disagree, you don't ascribe to someone's insanity in order to cater to their feelings, you get them help. If they can't understand that truth is more valuable than feelings, it maybe something you can gently explain to them, and help them understand your position. If they won't understand and become estranged, wait them out. But remember, truth doesn't change, feelings do.
@@TheEllaTB The only thing the parents should be concerned about is their relationship with their daughter. If not calling daughters friend by their preferred pronouns is causing an issue in their relationship then the solution is simple - swallow pride and call the friend what daughter is requesting. If that's too much to ask then daughter should estrange, heck, she should RUN. What a low bar of respect to set and the parents are tripping over it? Sad that it needs to be explained...
Two can't walk together unless they be agreed
18 is an adult. What are you saying.. 25....30? Stop playing. Trust Jesus. Please stay away from public school.
Faithful Gg…and away from liberal arts colleges.
18 is still a TEEN ..The brain in not fully developed until your mid 20's. As Christians we don't see things the way the WORLD sees it. We're not supposed to. Why did Jesus get baptized at the age of 30 and not 18? 30 is when you are a full blown ADULT.
Depending on the culture. My parents had to leave home at 15 and start taking care of themselves.
It's really a matter of how the child has been parented
Age at which the brain is more or less fully formed is around 25 yrs of age.
That’s the reason there are such stringent Insurance clauses for drivers under 25.
Look up some neuroscience.
Wisdom takes longer than 30yrs of age to evolve.
You are sooooo so wrong! Stop giving one way advice ! Not one size fits all. I took your advice and it backfired !!!
The Host talks too much about himself. Humble bragging. Please stop.
This guy Townsend sounds like an old fundamentalist preach when talking about forgiveness - he has no understanding of how to treat a young man that has has lost trust in his parent. His advice will absolutely not work.
Not true.
One of my earliest memories as a young child is that of being in a situation where I was supposed to rely on my parents for help and I simply could not trust them. That memory burdened ne with guilt for so long because a 3yr old has a hard time understanding and making sense of such deep feelings.
I say all this to make it clear I grew up in a deep culture of mistrust and I was bitter for many years.
But I realized I could take responsibility for myself regardless of what my parents do. I can grow and learn even if they never want to. So I forgave them. Some memories still hurt, but they no longer control me.
Forgiveness works, even if you have to work hard to reach that destination and even if the journey is long
You know this in your case, you don’t know how many people in your situation he has helped.
I have not yet watched this video, so I don't know if I'm about to contradict or affirm what Mr. Townsend said, but ... Forgiveness is largely for the benefit of the forgiver, so as to be unburdened from bitterness. Notice that when Yeshua said that we should forgive "seventy-seven" or "seventy-times-seven" (depending on the text you're reading), he doesn't qualify that in any way that requires confession or repentance on the part of the offender. That idea goes completely against our nature (well, mine, at least) and is a hard pill to swallow. But that's what he taught.