Not only do they block you out, then they repeat YOUR sentence and claim it was their original thought. This is part of how they effectively disappear you.
i did that with a troll i used a phrase.. Resident Troll. You are a resident troll. i took it from Sherlock Holmes. The resident patient. then he started to call me the resident troll? mirroring me like a parrot. Bird brains?
Exactly! My mother has done this many times to me. I would say either “I just told you that” or that I had told her that a day or two ago. I have also heard her tell other people things that I said like it was her thought or idea
That explains why I felt like I was talking to a wall. Many times. You open your heart and then feel like a fool, as if you talked to a wall. Soo sooo sad. 😢
You did. You literally did talk to a wall indeed. As did I. I literally said to my brother your a wall 🧱 hello wall I'm talking to you and the wall does not hear you or say anything back. It may Echo your words as if they are his words but yeah. Wall ironic that his name is Paul. Hey wall I'm trying to say something to you. The wall does not respond to you. As it is only a wall. Best option is turn around this is a dead end. Don't wates energy, time and emotion with a wall. It's not good for at all and if you stand next to the wall for too long we'll then the wall will fall. On you and you will be a humpty dumpty all broken. Oh and my favorite is when it will repeatedly stab you quietly and when you finally react to this stabbing attacks you are immediately the aggressive one acting crazy out of nowhere and he is the victim whom is continuing to stab you up while pointing finger saying you are attacking him. It's infuriating outrageous. I did not have a reatcion out of the blue I had a reatcion out of self defense standing up for myself
God, this happened again to me yesterday, it was specially hard this time, that's why I'm here, it's kinda recomforting meeting others in the same situation
They do not consider what the other says and what the other has done. There is no consideration, there is no respect. They destroy possibilities for a healthy relationship, they lack loyalty.
My Mom can snoop and hear everything but acts like she can't hear or understand you when your standing right in front of her. She wants you to think you can't speak correctly. Or she's avoiding the topic, frustrating you by making you repeat yourself, then acts confused. Its infuriating.
So true. And when you’re going to play it to him (I always tell him I’m recording him so I don’t understand why he denies it) he starts yelling trying to stop me from playing the recording because he doesn’t want to hear it so he could keep denying it.
@@preferredprovider1958That’s exactly what a 4 year old child would do in this scenario. That’s another proof that they’re emotionally stuck at that age.
haha yes. my ex girlfriend use to come over and instantly start an argument. then then i would tell her no idk what ur talking about i didn't say anything to start arguing, yes you did she would scream at me!!!! started making feel nutzo. not knowing what to believe so next day before she come over i hid a tape recorder and secretly taped her abusive behavior. she did the same thing again. and just couldn't wait for her to go home so i could play tape back.... and sure enough just what i thought i was just sitting their Sighlent, she was the one starting the argument. at least then i know im not going crazy it all on her!!!! thank god the truth finally came out. i never confronted her with it b/c would only make her more argumentative. she already was a mean bitch!!!! haha!!!
I feel like I'm in a web of confusion the more I learn. Bottom line I've come to is - if I feel like I'm being manipulated, my emotion needs aren't being met, or my danger sense is constantly tingling around a person - they're out of my life. That's it. The more I simplify things the better.
@ayoubbeiruty3161 That's an excellent way of taking action to protect yourself and I'm working on it, because I've given people who are abusive towards me WAY too many chances! I need to stick to not allowing them to talk to me again after time has passed too. I don't necessarily mean ex-partners either. 😊
@@aubreyj.tennant1123That's excellent as well and I need to stop feeling like I'm being rude for ignoring those people if I see them when out and about, because they couldn't care less about me, unless it's to do with them. 😊
This makes a lot of sense. It's the desperate need to override the external reality. Also explains why people who are "codependent" get overtaken and subsumed into the narcissist's narratives.
That’s what makes abuse recovery so difficult. The victim has to separate self and genuine reality from the narcissistic narrative. Talk about cognitive dissonance
It is like having the same language as the alien with different meaning for the words as somehow the same sentence and paragraphs exchanged morph into separate realities...like weird parallel worlds colliding.
I totally get this. My ex was a narcissist. I used to say to him that it is like he has a voice talking to him telling him something different to what was actually said and even how a situation played out. He had forgotten the actual beginning of the conversations or part of it that explained how the story actually played out, the positive part and turned it into his own narrative.We argued so much
A former studyfriend of mine did this all the time. You tell something.....And she starts telling a story that has really nothing to do with it and also is very long and very uninteresting because it is about people you don't know......I saw a lot of people around me walking away or looking very annoyed when she did this....I was too friendly or to codependant to do this.......But I always asked myself if there is a medical diagnose for this.....Really weird .....Their must be brain damage for sure...
In 2020 I inadvertently found out my sister was a narcissist. Since then I have researched the topic in depth. The abuse I endured was explained on a surface level but Sam dives into the granular parts of a narcissist. He is so on point with the behavior and mindset of my sister. For years, so many I don't care to mention, I dealt with her erratic and entitled behavior appeasing and acquiescing to her, thinking I was making a difference. These videos are the best yet on narcissism especially for those who want to gain a deep understanding. Every time I watch his videos I am blown away.
I'm 61 this year. I have just found out that I have autism and adhd; the perfect storm to be taken advantage of by a narcissist. For 60 years I have struggled out in the world. I finally got ssdi, but I kept coming back to live with my sister because I couldn't make it in the world-- but she never helped me try. Never lifted a finger to help me do anything, despite me struggling so hard all these years-- and then just one year ago I found out she is a narcissist, and I have been watching these videos and Dr. Ramani and Dr. Carter; and working on my own issues of course ! But in exactly 6 days I am leaving for once and for all. Discovering I have autism allowed me to drop the mask, and make authentic autistic friends; and I have learned to grey rock my sister until I move, and on top of everything I am able to keep my grey rock up while having sympathy for my narcissist, who is about to lose me forever. I feel bad for her, but only momentarily, and then I will forget she exists hopefully
@lanettiecarter I really feel for you and I've been dealing with a highly narcissistic sister for decades, which nearly cost me my life. Luckily, she lives in another country and I'm low contact with her now. It's difficult because her narcissism might've been mainly caused by a traumatic brain injury from an accident when she was a child. I still need to protect myself though. ❤
@@cyndigooch1162 Yes you do. I have had so many traumatic brain injuries as a child that I KNOW something happened to my siblings. Something really bad.
This exactly explains what I call the 'demonic strawman' which twists my words and attacks my narcissist whenever I just want to have my differing perspective heard.
I am the scapegoat of the family. They all have harmed me so much with all forms of abuses. I have worked hard, so hard at quieting the abusive voices, the more I distance myself, the more helpful it has become to heal, even if alone and struggling with my 4 chronic invisible illnesses. It's constantly rewiring yet mostly being gentle and compassionate to me, recognizing some days will be easier than others. They never cared, they only care about how they look externally or hear how amazing they are and then use substances to numb and then they harm others under the influence and think they are above others when they struggle with multiple issues. They think they are above of so many..it's sickening when you finally see after you have stepped back when you see they live in a delusional reality by living in denial. They deny you so they can continue to live in denial and think they are greater.
You have described me with my sister and her husband 100% it’s awful to say the least. I thought i was the only one going through this and you hit the nail on the head. I have been doing extensive therapy to heal from this trauma
This is the best coherent explanation of what is going on with a narcissistic person. This is why it is so difficult to navigate a relationship with a narcissistic person. It makes me understand why you really can't hate that person but you need to get out of that relationship!
I literally thought my ex had hearing loss. He didn’t. So then I thought why does he act stupid. He’s not. I told him once. You are not a stupid person why do you always play dumb? He was manipulating me the whole time.
Its even worse when they actually DO.. my ex was half seaf but would definitely use that to his advantage at times when he just didnt want to listen to me
My husband is a covert narcissist and a hoarder! Big time! I recently had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery and I expected him to at least look after me, instead he would leave before I woke up and didn’t get home until late. I have 3 dogs that are attached to my hip and I was just shocked that he didn’t even feed them! I never got an explanation for this, but a lot of excuses! After a while I just shut down and tried to manage. I didn’t know about narcissists and what comes with it! When I finally could get out of bed, I started to look around the house to see what it looked like 😮, I almost had another heart attack! We started arguing and that turned into a huge yelling match. He left and I noticed things were different! He apparently joined a cult,of course he denied that, but he’s in his office whispering,apparently he has “zoom calls “from 8-12pm and once I asked him to tell me about it, he got so mad at me and said he’s joined a workshop ! That was it! Since then I had 2 accidents and I woke up at 2.20 am, with him standing over me,his hands reaching for my neck! A lot of other things are going on and either I’m losing my mind or he’s trying to get rid of me! I reached out to friends and my kids, but they all told me that it was from the stress of the heart attack! After all I should be thankful I have such a wonderful husband. I no longer feel safe, we’ve been married for 34 years and now I’m scared of him. Thank you for letting me dump this here 🙏
Some simple advice - start getting rid of your own stuff. Don’t keep anything unless it’s an absolute necessity, like you need it to eat, sleep breathe and make money. Get rid of everything else including sentimental items. If you have tolerated living with a hoarder for over 30 years then you must have your own clutter. Get rid of it quietly and sometimes even secretly, if possible. It may take a couple years: your goal is to be able to move out in under 8 hrs, one day, while he’s at work, and he’ll be left standing in a gigantic pile of his own filth with no one else to blame for the first time in his life. By the way… he wants you to leave. He is hoarding to push you out of the house. Your life with him is over. So go, you don’t need anyone’s permission.
You need to quietly pack your things and LEAVE while he’s away, w/ no note or any way of him finding you. What on earth are you waiting for??? Your friends and kids will be mortified if they find out your husband in fact one day does take your life, and they realize your fear wasn’t “the stress,” but actual REALITY & INTUITION. GET OUT NOW
@@UnfortunateTruth-xt7jj if you read between the lines of her comments - and this is *not* a judgment on her, because her problem is likely a trauma response - but she sounds like a hoarder herself, like she has too much stuff of her own to just simply pack and leave. She even has a bunch of dogs that she doesn't know what to do with. She must feel physically weighted down by her own stuff, and she may not realize her problem, because it is being masked by the severity of her husband's problem.
Mr vaknin I owe you a huge thank you. 10 years ago I learned the truth from you. I had no clue about narcissism. I heard one video of yours and every thing in my life Suddenly made sense and I knew what I needed to do. I quietly started working toward getting away. You helped me more than you will ever know. Thank you so very much.
I used to use saying "good morning" as an example of how ANYTHING could become a fight. Cuz I literally had that exact conflict REGULARLY. Everything you say is loaded with bizarre meanings in their eyes, i could be as clear and direct as possible and he would just stare at me with that creepy bulge-eyed stare while the wheels turned and spun in his brain, trying to find or create some negative intention or thing to pick at. It was so exhausting to deal with and screwed up my OWN perception of people because I began to apply to same logic and overexplain EVERYTHING. I just seemed so wierd for years and struggled with social stuff, I'm finally feeling like a semi-normal human again after a year and a half of no contact. I have positive friends and a healthy relationship, my kids are allowed to just be kids and aren't being treated like evil criminal adults with nefarious intentions for every small action, it's GREAT. Still a lot of healing to be done but life has a lot of hope, and these videos are helping a lot with unraveling the decade of confusion and confirming that I was never the problem, he was at war in his own mind.
Thank you So Very Much For Sharing This.I Was In A Relationship With An Overt Malignant Narcissist For Years This Person Emotionally Abused Me Cruelly. The More I Tried Explaining Myself The More Confused I Became I Was Broke down From Months And Years of the Silent Treatment. This Person Destroyed My Life My Self Worth and My self esteem. Narcissistic abuse is Brutal…
Makes complete sense. My narc brother would consistently convolute the meaning of my words and will tell me that I am experiencing emotions or have intentions that I do not have. They have an internal narrative they must maintain in order to justify the heinous actions they commit to other people. Anything that threatens their grandiosity or their self righteousness must be tuned out if not eliminated.
So true. It's difficult having narc siblings. My sister's an overt narc and has indeed reflected this on multiple occasions. It's like she is now unable to hold a two-sided conversation whatsoever. I just disengage each time. Protect your energy at all costs.
Same for me. It explains and clarifies what I've battled to make sense of and understand for years.. Any of my attempts to reason with or come to even-compromise with people like this, that seem to tune me out as white noise, to a high degree while others never do , over years hasn't been successful. This video explains the reasons,, so exquisitely. I now have to accept this is how they operate in the world and grieve the fact we will never see eye to eye. Hope, replaced by acceptance, with this knowledge, will help greatly with my future interactions with such people. Thank you explaining this via this video. It will make a huge difference and I'm grateful.
I don't know if my mother is a narcissist but having just read ''I'm ok, you're ok'' and ''the games people play'' I think she approaches every interaction *with me* from the position of parent (ie, an ego defended position where the person needs to be superior) and I lose the ability to hold on to my adult self and I become reactionary. So from the one up position, it is just unfathomable to my mother that she might not be correct, therefore, any attempt to put forward another pov *is* an act of aggression to her. Because there is only one POV, hers.
If your met with a negative response for having a point of view or expression of your emotions , including her withdrawing from you/ silent treatment or notable withdrawal of time etc you are probably right. And then one finds oneself lining up one’s emotions with the expectation of the narcissist. They rarely enquire into your emotions especially how their behaviour may effect you. No disagreement is resolvable.
Whenever my narcissistic partner and i had an argument or a misunderstanding; all i kept thinking was how difficult it was for us to communicate with clarity; it was almost always impossible no matter how hard i tried; my god it was so exhausting... This video explains why; at least i know now i am not crazy.
Several generations of narcissists in my family retired to the middle of nowhere (very isolated). This impacted the whole family. Especially me growing up, spending entire summers as a teenager with no one to interact with.
That was probably done to isolate you all, my narcissist ex wife wanted us away from everyone and suggested I sell my home to move to a cabin miles away from town.
Knowing what it is like to live in the middle or no where and we’re again.There is no way I’d move in the isolation of it and all the complications that arise (bad roads,electric down,problems maki bc calls… I’m in the mindset of selling my house to place some physical distance between living space and toxic situations. However,it’ll be close to groceries,pharmacies, banks ,doctors,etc. I have family who live just far enough out I’ve personally experienced the inconveniences. It’s possible some may move to a location they feel control might be easier (of spouse,children or other family members).
Long ago my brother, my mother and I used to wonder why our father could behave so very odd and ruthless sometimes. We didn't understand this behavior and dismissed it as 'a man with a very peculiar twist in his brain'. Now, some forty years later, I see Sam Vaknin's videos about narcissism and now it perfect makes sense! Emotionally, my father is like a toddler with nothing beyond his own needs. Yes, strictly rational he knows the difference between 'I' and 'you' but in his emotional world only 'I' exists. At the same time he has good intellect and life experience (he's now 70+). At some level he learned to cope with the world but it still feels unnatural to me. It's like he has no self on a deep level, only some sort of shell.
Fantastic description in last 10 minutes. The apparent absence of premeditated malice is what kept me optimistic that things would get better in my 30 year marriage. And yes it was like being married to a small child. Thank you for finally being able to articulate my intuitive conclusions. But very sad that the small child has to keep hiding - is there ever any relief or recovery for him? Or does he just think everything is fine and dandy in his introject world?
After almost two years knowing a lovely young lady, in an experience that got me going to therapy in order to get my emotional and cognitive balance back on track, this is my take on describing that small child I felt I was dealing with at times: There is an inner child inside her, amongst the many inner (broken) sides of her self or personality, sides that are mostly disconnected from each other, or they do (only) briefly combine in order to serve her needs. That child sometimes has the control, the command of her, or better said commands one or more of her sides. Makes her speak and act in ways that seem to be indifferent to the effects, the consequences of her words and actions on the people close to her. Sometimes her words and actions manage to get her into uncomfortable (to say the least) situations. Sometimes she realises that, usually after a while, it takes some time for inner reflection, after the event(s). That child is emotionally and (I believe, indirectly) cognitively immature. It seems to be stuck anywhere between the age of a pre-teen and the age of late teens. She has lived a trauma (being ousted and beaten up by the group of neighborhood children she was a part of) in her pre-teen years. Another trauma in her late teens, (probably prolonged) sexual abuse in her late teens, while in high school, away from her home. In her early 20s she has been for several years in a relationship with a - most likely - grandiose narcissist. It didn't end up well, as he ended up hitting her. The effects of that hit to the head ended up requiring spine surgery 3 years later, this past winter. So, there. That child I am describing here became visible to me - or to my... intuition - due to the contrast between her initial image, that of a very mature and well anchored in reality young woman, and all the rest of her behaviour, her ways of being when we were together. In my opinion, that was, and still is, when it comes to 'new' people in her life a projection, what might be called one of her 'false selves'.
@@Moon_Fire_Water I'm not a psychologist nor a psychiatrist. I just a guy trying to make sense of someone he cares about, and tries to educate himself on the subject. One of the reasons I'm watching videos like this, among other sources of information. For what it's worth, my subjective take on her is that there are CPTSD traits and also some BPD traits with her. That's how her behaviour as I have got to know and understand it makes some sense to me. Not something one wants to find out and understand about someone they care about.
Wow, so glad I got to deal with all the emotional crap my parents didn't want to! Fantastic that they don't need to feel suicidal or worthless like I do! The narcissistic family can now have nice xmases together and reaffirm themselves. Wonderful!
Thank you for your explanation. This is exactly what my ''narcissistic boyfriend'' put me through when I was speaking to him. Oh boy! He was distorting my words. So frustrating. I don't have to deal with him anymore.
The interesting thing in my experience is that something I just said will be repeated as if it was never heard but became the original thought of the narcissist. Bizarre. Sometimes hilarious
Thank you, Sam Vaknin, for explaining my observations of this husband of mine. I am divorcing him after 37 years of marriage. I can't help him and I just don't know who can? It's heartbreaking for me, but I just can't deal with the pain and the chaos he's caused in our own family. You continue to help me with every video you make. Thank you, again.
Praying for your and your family's healing. It's ultimately a spiritual problem. They have a reprobate mind. God is the only one who can change them. ❤
And I mourn losing my 28 years when I do what you're doing. I pray that you'll find relief and healing, This video is the final nail in the coffin where I kept my hope.
It’s 44 years for me. Life has blessed me in spite of my very bizarre existence with this man. I now realize why communication is next impossible. Thank you Professor Sam Vaknin.
I have an example of this selective hearing (he heard only his own inner narrative). My then husband severely mistreated me intimately so to speak; made me feel less than human. He later did it again. I asked why he would do such things to me, I had clearly stated I never wanted to experience again, the first time it happened. His answer was, no, no, you said you loved it. That’s how a “don’t do that to me again because I don’t like it” turned into a “do it to me again because I love it” in his mind Now I understand how that could happen.
This video is absolutely fascinating and I haven’t seen anything like it anywhere. I knew he had ears that do not hear. It was so maddening. Even the deacon who did marital counseling (do not do that with a narc) with us did a “test” on him asking him to repeat what he said. He couldn’t. He could not do it. And now I remember it, it was like he was dazed out and struggling. I guess he was trying after all but it was not at all what was said. It was scary and bizarre. I mean I knew he didn’t hear me but figured he would hear the deacon for the sake of his precious image. Deacon didn’t want to deal with us after that at all and after a year of my ex not listening I do not blame him.
Thank you for giving me a great insight and understanding of a narcissist, you have just described a so called mate of mine to a tee and now I know, I must step out of his life, thank you, thank you, thank you.
my ex wife was always telling me to speak up she couldn't hear me. i have never in my life been told anything like that, in fact my whole life i have been told to shut up and be quiet, i have heard people tell me i am obnoxiously loud. she was a narcissist and i changed my behavior and how i spoke to her, always being sure that she heard me. you can only change so much for somebody before the relationship implodes, at that point you are changing the foundation in witch the relationship was built upon, and sometimes that foundation is no longer strong enough to bear weight
Thanks for the insight! I always wondered about this and never really understood it. I would say something and there would be no response and not even a facial expression to indicate that it was heard. 🙂
This explains so much! I can be 12 inches from him and yelling his name, but he doesn’t even know I’m there. But from two rooms away, he can hear us discussing something he thinks he knows more than us on 🙄
When I asked the Narcissisr who broke the window glass at my place... First of all he said his Mother did it then he quickly changed it to his sister! In reality he broke the glass. His answers were so childlike.
This is so helpful, thank you. I’ve recently come to the realization that my brother is a covert narcissist and have made the painful decision to cut him out of my life completely to prevent him from hurting me and my children any longer.
Sir, could you please make a video about Narcisists in the education system? Teachers or people in this system who supposed to understand you, help you and "guide" you but instead block and devalue you.
My narcissistic ex-wife teaches 3rd grade and she use to tell me about taking pleasure in making students cry. I didn’t even ask for context. I’m certain the same applied to me
That is a great suggestion ! I had a relationship with a highschool teacher who was very kind at the beginning and after a few months started to ignore me and treated me like inferior. There was no love , no empathie at all on his side. He went back to live with his mother after he had had a serious accident in the mountains. It took me a while to realize something was very wrong in him. I asked myself how can a teacher be able to work in the education system with his narcissistic mental disorder ? Very strange !
You are brilliant. The very best and on point on every topic where other specialists can't go. Your exquisite and incredibly detailed understanding of narcicism is so helpful..I finally know someone understands every nuance and gets what I went through. Thank you so very much!
Just brilliant! Totally describes my mother - and the most bizarre thing about it: I am the complete opposite: no filters, pathetically honest, total perception of my surroundings, rich inner world, I feel never bored or empty, theory-of-mind-blind, eidetic memory, sensitive ... and so on. You've guessed it: I am diagnosed with Aspergers. One can imagine the struggle, misunderstandings and drama between my mother and me. The only good news is: Very often I just ignored her weird mind games and manipulations since I didn't even get them. But it was sad of course and I left home early because the constant drama almost destroyed me and the whole family. I feel sorry for her - she probably tried hard ... but she truly was unable of being a loving and caring mother. Thank you once again for the incredible insight, Mr. Vaknin!
That’s my mom’s game, too. Now I know why she is so oppositional to anything I say to her. It’s like she needs to overtake every conversation to her side of view regardless of any feedback. This is gaslighting, if I understand correctly.
This the fight I had all my life, a narcissistic mother and a bi-polar father and they had to marry because ' I made my mother pregnant. Finally my siblings are beginning to see, 70 years later
Ask him any question, in general not giving back any response , one and half months later ask him again what is his answer, he said let him think about what, and then no response again!!! So sick of this animal!!
Thank you for the graspable concepts, having experienced this phenomena through my mother's ability /inability to remember reality, or hear actual words, it helps to understand the mechanism behind/embedded in the behavior.
This is thee best explanation of the mind of a narc. It really is how they process information. The way they think is what makes them all the same. Its not some cohesive list of does and don'ts. Its not out right evil either.. From my experience their behaviors can be night and day from eachother, with some exceptions( there are some common themes and patterns of behavior) but the way they process information as described in this video is 100 percent spot on. Anything I say to my husband he seems to run thru this "good guy filter" and whats worse is that I may say something and its his mind that attaches meaning and connotation, so if I for example say I didn't like the way he and another woman were behaving with eachother, he immediately runs it thru his good guy filter and if he considers said behavior as only associated with a "bad husband" or in his words a "pos" then I've made it all up, it never happened and im crazy or im lying. Lately I've been hearing alot of " what's wrong with you" my heart is breaking all the time 😔 it's been 12 years of this shit. The gas lighting, blame shifting, no accountability, unfairness towards the thoughts, opinions and feelings of Our children/family, the way he weaponizes his or my emotions, the way he stays withdrawm and then blames me for thr lack of intimacy or emotionL connection....,, him waiting for me to fail/fuck up. Its been so exhausting. And ofcourse hear i am giving him all the knowledge he needs to level up 😅 I know he hears what I'm saying, he doesn't hear it to change or be better, he hears it so he can learn to decieve better in the future. He acts like he cares, he acts like he wants to give a shit, im convinced its all an act. At the very least his self image matters above else.
Dear Prof. Vaknin , thank you for today's lecture. It has once again brought together many pieces of the puzzle. There is one thing I still don't understand. Please help me to find the missing link. You said that the narcissist blocks out all external stimuli in his memory. Got it. So far so good. How can the narcissist in a real face to face conversation respond in words to such for example criticism , which clearly challenges his grandiosity ? He defends / justifies himself . This requires a performance of the narcissist's brain (speech centre). Is this impulse then deleted as a whole at the end of the conversation? Under the motto: what is not allowed to be, is also not? Doesn't this reacting / responding to what the other person says pose a danger to the narcissist's brain , as it gains access to the system ? I understand that the narcissist fades out or quickly forgets the sentences of the other person. What happens to his own quite coherent answers? They presuppose a thought process. Thx
Listening to your talks is like a breath of fresh air for me. I love how you explain the inner processing of the NPD. I feel totally less alone in my own conclusions. You're a big help to anyone who needs to understand cluster b disorders.
Thank you Sam Vaknin. Your observations and insights are priceless. What you say sounds like a truth that we've already known, but it never was spoken by anyone until now.
This is a fascinating clip. I never questioned narratives in a fundamental way. How does a narrative help me? Why do I need narratives? It seems that overly-strong narratives are a kind of learning disability.
Most humans in fact do this, at least under certain circumstances. "Hearing only what you want to hear/filtering through your own perceptions" is a well known phenomenon. Follows really as most humans have a narcissistic element, as seen in the way we treat animals.
It is a demon that jumps into people. When they don't know what got into them, which is a saying that goes back thousands of years. Life is nothing but a spiritual battlefield. All mental illness, thought and emotion stems from the spirit world. We can only see a small amount of the light spectrum. Same thing with sound. Even smell. We aren't built to see everything. It's for our survival only.
Thank you very much for this extremely helpful video, which I listened to twice while working and I'm listening again now. I found it very validating, especially hearing from you, that highly narcissistic individuals don't hear, as well as have unconscious responses, because I've been saying that for years, yet others believe the opposite! I'm thinking that you'd be aware that this means that many, if not most, narcissism counsellors etc, not to mention the followers, have given and continue to give INCORRECT information to millions of people. They state that it's a matter of choice and they just don't care, whereas I thought that their responses are mainly automatic, which is the case with people at the other end of the spectrum as well, if that makes sense. 😊
Narcissists new supply (girlfriend) has been putting up with him for a while now. I have no idea what she sees in him. She’s gotta be experiencing this same stuff that I did!
There are people who think without an inner voice and don't have an internal monologue. It's just their thinking style, nothing pathological. Most thoughts I have are voiceless. I just know what I think. But I do have internal dialogues. Look it up on youtube: "thinking without inner voice"
This was the video I needed to understand the memory gaps, altered memories and fake memories I experienced in a relationship. Of course I can't say my memory is perfect. Also good point about gaslighting, I knew what I experienced was never intentional. I feel so bad for her, it's not her fault.
This is incredible,I’ve been listening to Dr. Sam for a while. He has decomposed my husband entirely. I always knew there was something off,but the way Dr. Sam unpacks the NARC,leaves one without doubt,of what you are dealing with. Most of the time my husband does not make any sense,but he goes into a rage if you contradict him. Yes,he is violent,and will take any measures to get his way. This particular video was a complete description,of how my husband operates in his own mental state. We are still together,yes I’ve been greatly affected,it is very complicated.
From around 5:00 to 9:00 I found it explains why a narcissist needs you to believe their narratives and reflect them back to them as legitimate. And why they need you to act in a particular way that won't shatter their internal haywire conclusions that don't square with reality. Asserting your reality or disagreeing can shake them up. It is especially shattering if you say your conclusion works for you and you can agree to disagree. They want you to be what they want you to be.
I made the mistake of marrying a vulnerable narcissist. One of the things I've noticed is that she seems to be deaf, not just to me when attempting to discuss our relationship, but to lyrics in songs. She may have heard a given song her entire life and seems to have no idea what they're singing about. She'll have the lyrics so oddly wrong that it makes absolutely no sense. After watching this, a bunch of stuff makes a lot more sense.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. The descriptions help us understand what is going on, especially when virtually all of your descriptions match up with what we are observing.
I have watched much your content. I think this particular insight should be seen as part of the foundational core of your research legacy. I have watched MANY videos on NPD. This one tapped into something hidden deep in the psyche that I have never before heard, but makes complete sense. Thank you Sam
Not only do they block you out, then they repeat YOUR sentence and claim it was their original thought. This is part of how they effectively disappear you.
i did that with a troll i used a phrase.. Resident Troll. You are a resident troll. i took it from Sherlock Holmes. The resident patient. then he started to call me the resident troll? mirroring me like a parrot. Bird brains?
So true
Exactly! My mother has done this many times to me. I would say either “I just told you that” or that I had told her that a day or two ago. I have also heard her tell other people things that I said like it was her thought or idea
@@megpi72 its not just narcissists. people absorb stuff and forget where they picked it up.
Uhh no.. a person KNOWS if they came up with an idea ir heard it from someone else.. ask anyone who's ever written a reserch paper @@paultimson6674
This is too real. Ive had many examples of this where the narcissist will look at me like I spoke a different language.
That explains why I felt like I was talking to a wall. Many times. You open your heart and then feel like a fool, as if you talked to a wall. Soo sooo sad. 😢
idk how 'ill' doctors have a lengthy career and a stop not put to it-in the field of Psych
Your are NOT alone..
NOT trying to ‘trauma bond’ or anything..just want 🫵🏾 to know 🫵🏾 have been heard.
Be Well🦋
You did. You literally did talk to a wall indeed. As did I. I literally said to my brother your a wall 🧱 hello wall I'm talking to you and the wall does not hear you or say anything back. It may Echo your words as if they are his words but yeah. Wall ironic that his name is Paul. Hey wall I'm trying to say something to you. The wall does not respond to you. As it is only a wall. Best option is turn around this is a dead end. Don't wates energy, time and emotion with a wall. It's not good for at all and if you stand next to the wall for too long we'll then the wall will fall. On you and you will be a humpty dumpty all broken. Oh and my favorite is when it will repeatedly stab you quietly and when you finally react to this stabbing attacks you are immediately the aggressive one acting crazy out of nowhere and he is the victim whom is continuing to stab you up while pointing finger saying you are attacking him. It's infuriating outrageous. I did not have a reatcion out of the blue I had a reatcion out of self defense standing up for myself
God, this happened again to me yesterday, it was specially hard this time, that's why I'm here, it's kinda recomforting meeting others in the same situation
They do not consider what the other says and what the other has done. There is no consideration, there is no respect. They destroy possibilities for a healthy relationship, they lack loyalty.
My Mom can snoop and hear everything but acts like she can't hear or understand you when your standing right in front of her. She wants you to think you can't speak correctly. Or she's avoiding the topic, frustrating you by making you repeat yourself, then acts confused. Its infuriating.
You’ll forget about her in time
Mf 😂
"You misunderstood me"
That's cold fame confusion
Called*
When you answer "I know that you know" and then smile, they go absolutely crazy.
That part about recording them, & they still deny it. 💯
So true. And when you’re going to play it to him (I always tell him I’m recording him so I don’t understand why he denies it) he starts yelling trying to stop me from playing the recording because he doesn’t want to hear it so he could keep denying it.
The fact that this is real is so heartbreaking
@@preferredprovider1958That’s exactly what a 4 year old child would do in this scenario. That’s another proof that they’re emotionally stuck at that age.
haha yes. my ex girlfriend use to come over and instantly start an argument. then then i would tell her no idk what ur talking about i didn't say anything to start arguing, yes you did she would scream at me!!!! started making feel nutzo. not knowing what to believe so next day before she come over i hid a tape recorder and secretly taped her abusive behavior. she did the same thing again. and just couldn't wait for her to go home so i could play tape back.... and sure enough just what i thought i was just sitting their Sighlent, she was the one starting the argument. at least then i know im not going crazy it all on her!!!! thank god the truth finally came out. i never confronted her with it b/c would only make her more argumentative. she already was a mean bitch!!!! haha!!!
I feel like I'm in a web of confusion the more I learn. Bottom line I've come to is - if I feel like I'm being manipulated, my emotion needs aren't being met, or my danger sense is constantly tingling around a person - they're out of my life. That's it. The more I simplify things the better.
Also I have a new rule in my life. If they do it 3x that constitutes a pattern that won't change. Done. Simple.
@ayoubbeiruty3161 That's an excellent way of taking action to protect yourself and I'm working on it, because I've given people who are abusive towards me WAY too many chances!
I need to stick to not allowing them to talk to me again after time has passed too. I don't necessarily mean ex-partners either. 😊
@@aubreyj.tennant1123That's excellent as well and I need to stop feeling like I'm being rude for ignoring those people if I see them when out and about, because they couldn't care less about me, unless it's to do with them. 😊
If you're confused by people then it's a sign to there's someone lying often
OMG! I finally understand why communication w/an NPD is totally fruitless.TY!
HOPELESS
It's just LESS!
I've tried, and given up. Easier to stick with the weather or The Cost of Living. Current Affairs is definitely a no no.
This makes a lot of sense. It's the desperate need to override the external reality. Also explains why people who are "codependent" get overtaken and subsumed into the narcissist's narratives.
That’s what makes abuse recovery so difficult. The victim has to separate self and genuine reality from the narcissistic narrative. Talk about cognitive dissonance
😊😊
Yes, they give you their Brain
@@coral4874why would they do that?
Whats the answer
@@coral4874 you say "what do that have to do with the topic" and they think you said theirs words don't matter or that their stupid
Selective hearing
It is like having the same language as the alien with different meaning for the words as somehow the same sentence and paragraphs exchanged morph into separate realities...like weird parallel worlds colliding.
Two different realities 😊
This is the final piece of the puzzle... This definition now explains my futile attempt to help a narcissist. FREEDOM!
The very best explanation of narcissistic behavior that I have ever heard.
This is the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced in my life.
I have to agree with you
Throughout 20 years of marriage, I truly thought he was neurologically damaged in someway. So this is saying that he probably was!
I can totally relate lol!
I thought I had dementia!
I totally get this. My ex was a narcissist. I used to say to him that it is like he has a voice talking to him telling him something different to what was actually said and even how a situation played out. He had forgotten the actual beginning of the conversations or part of it that explained how the story actually played out, the positive part and turned it into his own narrative.We argued so much
A former studyfriend of mine did this all the time. You tell something.....And she starts telling a story that has really nothing to do with it and also is very long and very uninteresting because it is about people you don't know......I saw a lot of people around me walking away or looking very annoyed when she did this....I was too friendly or to codependant to do this.......But I always asked myself if there is a medical diagnose for this.....Really weird .....Their must be brain damage for sure...
Tears. Yes also my experience
I told mine all important conversation will be recorded, tired of explaining over and over what I said
In 2020 I inadvertently found out my sister was a narcissist. Since then I have researched the topic in depth. The abuse I endured was explained on a surface level but Sam dives into the granular parts of a narcissist. He is so on point with the behavior and mindset of my sister. For years, so many I don't care to mention, I dealt with her erratic and entitled behavior appeasing and acquiescing to her, thinking I was making a difference. These videos are the best yet on narcissism especially for those who want to gain a deep understanding. Every time I watch his videos I am blown away.
I'm 61 this year. I have just found out that I have autism and adhd; the perfect storm to be taken advantage of by a narcissist. For 60 years I have struggled out in the world. I finally got ssdi, but I kept coming back to live with my sister because I couldn't make it in the world-- but she never helped me try. Never lifted a finger to help me do anything, despite me struggling so hard all these years-- and then just one year ago I found out she is a narcissist, and I have been watching these videos and Dr. Ramani and Dr. Carter; and working on my own issues of course ! But in exactly 6 days I am leaving for once and for all. Discovering I have autism allowed me to drop the mask, and make authentic autistic friends; and I have learned to grey rock my sister until I move, and on top of everything I am able to keep my grey rock up while having sympathy for my narcissist, who is about to lose me forever. I feel bad for her, but only momentarily, and then I will forget she exists hopefully
You just told my life story.
@lanettiecarter I really feel for you and I've been dealing with a highly narcissistic sister for decades, which nearly cost me my life. Luckily, she lives in another country and I'm low contact with her now.
It's difficult because her narcissism might've been mainly caused by a traumatic brain injury from an accident when she was a child. I still need to protect myself though. ❤
@@cyndigooch1162 I'm able to have empathy for narcissists now. Only took one month away from mine. Healing is possible ❤️
@@cyndigooch1162 Yes you do. I have had so many traumatic brain injuries as a child that I KNOW something happened to my siblings. Something really bad.
This exactly explains what I call the 'demonic strawman' which twists my words and attacks my narcissist whenever I just want to have my differing perspective heard.
That is an utterly perfect term for it. I can't even offer help without being accused of criticizing.
You hit it on the nail
Yes. It’s absolutely demonic. Diabolical.
I am the scapegoat of the family. They all have harmed me so much with all forms of abuses. I have worked hard, so hard at quieting the abusive voices, the more I distance myself, the more helpful it has become to heal, even if alone and struggling with my 4 chronic invisible illnesses. It's constantly rewiring yet mostly being gentle and compassionate to me, recognizing some days will be easier than others.
They never cared, they only care about how they look externally or hear how amazing they are and then use substances to numb and then they harm others under the influence and think they are above others when they struggle with multiple issues. They think they are above of so many..it's sickening when you finally see after you have stepped back when you see they live in a delusional reality by living in denial. They deny you so they can continue to live in denial and think they are greater.
You have described me with my sister and her husband 100% it’s awful to say the least. I thought i was the only one going through this and you hit the nail on the head. I have been doing extensive therapy to heal from this trauma
Take a number 😅 it's infuriating
This is the best coherent explanation of what is going on with a narcissistic person. This is why it is so difficult to navigate a relationship with a narcissistic person. It makes me understand why you really can't hate that person but you need to get out of that relationship!
I hate them.
This is the first time I’ve realized how unreachable my ex-partner is. My heart is broken 😢
Get the much needed self care. You matter❤
😢 i feel your pain. Its so fucking sad.
on the other hand, it is not so sad for them. The only person that matters to them is themselves.
Is like talking to a wall.
A wall that gets closer while talking 😵💫
That's the analogy I have always used too!
It's worst actually
I literally thought my ex had hearing loss. He didn’t. So then I thought why does he act stupid. He’s not. I told him once. You are not a stupid person why do you always play dumb? He was manipulating me the whole time.
Its even worse when they actually DO.. my ex was half seaf but would definitely use that to his advantage at times when he just didnt want to listen to me
My husband is a covert narcissist and a hoarder! Big time! I recently had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery and I expected him to at least look after me, instead he would leave before I woke up and didn’t get home until late. I have 3 dogs that are attached to my hip and I was just shocked that he didn’t even feed them! I never got an explanation for this, but a lot of excuses! After a while I just shut down and tried to manage. I didn’t know about narcissists and what comes with it! When I finally could get out of bed, I started to look around the house to see what it looked like 😮, I almost had another heart attack! We started arguing and that turned into a huge yelling match. He left and I noticed things were different! He apparently joined a cult,of course he denied that, but he’s in his office whispering,apparently he has “zoom calls “from 8-12pm and once I asked him to tell me about it, he got so mad at me and said he’s joined a workshop ! That was it! Since then I had 2 accidents and I woke up at 2.20 am, with him standing over me,his hands reaching for my neck! A lot of other things are going on and either I’m losing my mind or he’s trying to get rid of me! I reached out to friends and my kids, but they all told me that it was from the stress of the heart attack! After all I should be thankful I have such a wonderful husband. I no longer feel safe, we’ve been married for 34 years and now I’m scared of him. Thank you for letting me dump this here 🙏
How have things been?
Some simple advice - start getting rid of your own stuff. Don’t keep anything unless it’s an absolute necessity, like you need it to eat, sleep breathe and make money. Get rid of everything else including sentimental items. If you have tolerated living with a hoarder for over 30 years then you must have your own clutter. Get rid of it quietly and sometimes even secretly, if possible. It may take a couple years: your goal is to be able to move out in under 8 hrs, one day, while he’s at work, and he’ll be left standing in a gigantic pile of his own filth with no one else to blame for the first time in his life. By the way… he wants you to leave. He is hoarding to push you out of the house. Your life with him is over. So go, you don’t need anyone’s permission.
You need to quietly pack your things and LEAVE while he’s away, w/ no note or any way of him finding you. What on earth are you waiting for???
Your friends and kids will be mortified if they find out your husband in fact one day does take your life, and they realize your fear wasn’t “the stress,” but actual REALITY & INTUITION.
GET OUT NOW
@@UnfortunateTruth-xt7jj if you read between the lines of her comments - and this is *not* a judgment on her, because her problem is likely a trauma response - but she sounds like a hoarder herself, like she has too much stuff of her own to just simply pack and leave. She even has a bunch of dogs that she doesn't know what to do with. She must feel physically weighted down by her own stuff, and she may not realize her problem, because it is being masked by the severity of her husband's problem.
Omg, im so sorry. That is terrifying. I hope u got out.
Mr vaknin I owe you a huge thank you. 10 years ago I learned the truth from you. I had no clue about narcissism. I heard one video of yours and every thing in my life Suddenly made sense and I knew what I needed to do. I quietly started working toward getting away. You helped me more than you will ever know. Thank you so very much.
I used to use saying "good morning" as an example of how ANYTHING could become a fight. Cuz I literally had that exact conflict REGULARLY. Everything you say is loaded with bizarre meanings in their eyes, i could be as clear and direct as possible and he would just stare at me with that creepy bulge-eyed stare while the wheels turned and spun in his brain, trying to find or create some negative intention or thing to pick at. It was so exhausting to deal with and screwed up my OWN perception of people because I began to apply to same logic and overexplain EVERYTHING. I just seemed so wierd for years and struggled with social stuff, I'm finally feeling like a semi-normal human again after a year and a half of no contact. I have positive friends and a healthy relationship, my kids are allowed to just be kids and aren't being treated like evil criminal adults with nefarious intentions for every small action, it's GREAT. Still a lot of healing to be done but life has a lot of hope, and these videos are helping a lot with unraveling the decade of confusion and confirming that I was never the problem, he was at war in his own mind.
Thank you So Very Much For
Sharing This.I Was In A Relationship With An Overt Malignant Narcissist
For Years This Person Emotionally Abused Me Cruelly.
The More I Tried Explaining Myself The More Confused I Became
I Was Broke down From Months And Years of the Silent Treatment.
This Person Destroyed My Life My Self Worth and My self esteem.
Narcissistic abuse is Brutal…
Makes complete sense. My narc brother would consistently convolute the meaning of my words and will tell me that I am experiencing emotions or have intentions that I do not have. They have an internal narrative they must maintain in order to justify the heinous actions they commit to other people. Anything that threatens their grandiosity or their self righteousness must be tuned out if not eliminated.
Yep.
So true. It's difficult having narc siblings. My sister's an overt narc and has indeed reflected this on multiple occasions. It's like she is now unable to hold a two-sided conversation whatsoever. I just disengage each time. Protect your energy at all costs.
Prof. Vaknin, this is pure oxygen to my brain and refreshment to my hurt soul. Thank you so much.
Same for me. It explains and clarifies what I've battled to make sense of and understand for years..
Any of my attempts to reason with or come to even-compromise with people like this, that seem to tune me out as white noise, to a high degree while others never do , over years hasn't been successful.
This video explains the reasons,, so exquisitely. I now have to accept this is how they operate in the world and grieve the fact we will never see eye to eye. Hope, replaced by acceptance, with this knowledge, will help greatly with my future interactions with such people.
Thank you explaining this via this video. It will make a huge difference and I'm grateful.
I don't know if my mother is a narcissist but having just read ''I'm ok, you're ok'' and ''the games people play'' I think she approaches every interaction *with me* from the position of parent (ie, an ego defended position where the person needs to be superior) and I lose the ability to hold on to my adult self and I become reactionary. So from the one up position, it is just unfathomable to my mother that she might not be correct, therefore, any attempt to put forward another pov *is* an act of aggression to her. Because there is only one POV, hers.
If your met with a negative response for having a point of view or expression of your emotions , including her withdrawing from you/ silent treatment or notable withdrawal of time etc you are probably right. And then one finds oneself lining up one’s emotions with the expectation of the narcissist. They rarely enquire into your emotions especially how their behaviour may effect you. No disagreement is resolvable.
SUSANAXPEACE Your comments are great. I can see how a member of my family has this superiority over me. It's always been there.
Sounds like my own mother’s twin (emotional maturity wise).
When I was a child I tried exploring and developing this skill. My mother beat it right out of me. ;)
Whenever my narcissistic partner and i had an argument or a misunderstanding; all i kept thinking was how difficult it was for us to communicate with clarity; it was almost always impossible no matter how hard i tried; my god it was so exhausting... This video explains why; at least i know now i am not crazy.
This is like my mother, I was trying to explain to her but she wouldn't listen, and then she wailed ''it makes no sense''. It made perfect sense.
Stay safe everyone
This is probably the best explanation of the internal processes of a narcissist that I’ve come across. Thank you.
Towards the end of my 15yr marriage, my ex would say “I don’t even know what your saying” 😳 Was so weird to see.
Several generations of narcissists in my family retired to the middle of nowhere (very isolated). This impacted the whole family. Especially me growing up, spending entire summers as a teenager with no one to interact with.
I wonder if that was by design. So many people retire closer to towns where there are more services to help them as they age.
That was probably done to isolate you all, my narcissist ex wife wanted us away from everyone and suggested I sell my home to move to a cabin miles away from town.
Knowing what it is like to live in the middle or no where and we’re again.There is no way I’d move in the isolation of it and all the complications that arise (bad roads,electric down,problems maki bc calls…
I’m in the mindset of selling my house to place some physical distance between living space and toxic situations.
However,it’ll be close to groceries,pharmacies, banks ,doctors,etc.
I have family who live just far enough out I’ve personally experienced the inconveniences.
It’s possible some may move to a location they feel control might be easier (of spouse,children or other family members).
Essentially they formed a cult.
Long ago my brother, my mother and I used to wonder why our father could behave so very odd and ruthless sometimes. We didn't understand this behavior and dismissed it as 'a man with a very peculiar twist in his brain'.
Now, some forty years later, I see Sam Vaknin's videos about narcissism and now it perfect makes sense! Emotionally, my father is like a toddler with nothing beyond his own needs. Yes, strictly rational he knows the difference between 'I' and 'you' but in his emotional world only 'I' exists. At the same time he has good intellect and life experience (he's now 70+). At some level he learned to cope with the world but it still feels unnatural to me. It's like he has no self on a deep level, only some sort of shell.
Fantastic description in last 10 minutes. The apparent absence of premeditated malice is what kept me optimistic that things would get better in my 30 year marriage. And yes it was like being married to a small child. Thank you for finally being able to articulate my intuitive conclusions. But very sad that the small child has to keep hiding - is there ever any relief or recovery for him? Or does he just think everything is fine and dandy in his introject world?
After almost two years knowing a lovely young lady, in an experience that got me going to therapy in order to get my emotional and cognitive balance back on track, this is my take on describing that small child I felt I was dealing with at times:
There is an inner child inside her, amongst the many inner (broken) sides of her self or personality, sides that are mostly disconnected from each other, or they do (only) briefly combine in order to serve her needs.
That child sometimes has the control, the command of her, or better said commands one or more of her sides. Makes her speak and act in ways that seem to be indifferent to the effects, the consequences of her words and actions on the people close to her. Sometimes her words and actions manage to get her into uncomfortable (to say the least) situations. Sometimes she realises that, usually after a while, it takes some time for inner reflection, after the event(s).
That child is emotionally and (I believe, indirectly) cognitively immature. It seems to be stuck anywhere between the age of a pre-teen and the age of late teens.
She has lived a trauma (being ousted and beaten up by the group of neighborhood children she was a part of) in her pre-teen years.
Another trauma in her late teens, (probably prolonged) sexual abuse in her late teens, while in high school, away from her home.
In her early 20s she has been for several years in a relationship with a - most likely - grandiose narcissist. It didn't end up well, as he ended up hitting her. The effects of that hit to the head ended up requiring spine surgery 3 years later, this past winter.
So, there.
That child I am describing here became visible to me - or to my... intuition - due to the contrast between her initial image, that of a very mature and well anchored in reality young woman, and all the rest of her behaviour, her ways of being when we were together. In my opinion, that was, and still is, when it comes to 'new' people in her life a projection, what might be called one of her 'false selves'.
@@elcee7800 btw, we mindful, project, self-reflection, a growing mind reflects, that broken/static mind, just goes to the next thought. Accept that.
@@mirceaar7988any ideas on what the diagnosis for this girl might be? Borderline? CPTSD?
@@Moon_Fire_Water I'm not a psychologist nor a psychiatrist. I just a guy trying to make sense of someone he cares about, and tries to educate himself on the subject. One of the reasons I'm watching videos like this, among other sources of information.
For what it's worth, my subjective take on her is that there are CPTSD traits and also some BPD traits with her. That's how her behaviour as I have got to know and understand it makes some sense to me. Not something one wants to find out and understand about someone they care about.
@@mirceaar7988
What you’re describing is multiple personalities combined with narcissistic personality.
Wow, so glad I got to deal with all the emotional crap my parents didn't want to! Fantastic that they don't need to feel suicidal or worthless like I do! The narcissistic family can now have nice xmases together and reaffirm themselves. Wonderful!
I know exactly how you feel
Thank you for your explanation. This is exactly what my ''narcissistic boyfriend'' put me through when I was speaking to him. Oh boy! He was distorting my words. So frustrating. I don't have to deal with him anymore.
i wouldn't of made it without your videos. I was in a very dark place
You are the smartest human i've listened to in my life. Thank you!
Yes
The interesting thing in my experience is that something I just said will be repeated as if it was never heard but became the original thought of the narcissist. Bizarre. Sometimes hilarious
Thank you, Sam Vaknin, for explaining my observations of this husband of mine. I am divorcing him after 37 years of marriage. I can't help him and I just don't know who can? It's heartbreaking for me, but I just can't deal with the pain and the chaos he's caused in our own family. You continue to help me with every video you make. Thank you, again.
Praying for your and your family's healing. It's ultimately a spiritual problem. They have a reprobate mind. God is the only one who can change them. ❤
And I mourn losing my 28 years when I do what you're doing. I pray that you'll find relief and healing,
This video is the final nail in the coffin where I kept my hope.
I hear you love 💖💖💖
.I'm there . A much shorter time thank God but Im there
Here I was feeling sorry for myself for 20 years down the drain. God help us all.
It’s 44 years for me. Life has blessed me in spite of my very bizarre existence with this man. I now realize why communication is next impossible. Thank you Professor Sam Vaknin.
There is no point in trying to engage. They never learn.
Fascinating! So this is why reality testing keeps failing for the narcissist.
Prof Vaknin is a genius. The best explanation i have ever heard! Second to none.
I have an example of this selective hearing (he heard only his own inner narrative). My then husband severely mistreated me intimately so to speak; made me feel less than human. He later did it again. I asked why he would do such things to me, I had clearly stated I never wanted to experience again, the first time it happened. His answer was, no, no, you said you loved it.
That’s how a “don’t do that to me again because I don’t like it” turned into a “do it to me again because I love it” in his mind
Now I understand how that could happen.
This video is absolutely fascinating and I haven’t seen anything like it anywhere. I knew he had ears that do not hear. It was so maddening. Even the deacon who did marital counseling (do not do that with a narc) with us did a “test” on him asking him to repeat what he said. He couldn’t. He could not do it. And now I remember it, it was like he was dazed out and struggling. I guess he was trying after all but it was not at all what was said. It was scary and bizarre. I mean I knew he didn’t hear me but figured he would hear the deacon for the sake of his precious image. Deacon didn’t want to deal with us after that at all and after a year of my ex not listening I do not blame him.
'one man echo chamber' is a brilliant description. Great lecture. Thank you.
Thank you for giving me a great insight and understanding of a narcissist, you have just described a so called mate of mine to a tee and now I know, I must step out of his life, thank you, thank you, thank you.
my ex wife was always telling me to speak up she couldn't hear me. i have never in my life been told anything like that, in fact my whole life i have been told to shut up and be quiet, i have heard people tell me i am obnoxiously loud. she was a narcissist and i changed my behavior and how i spoke to her, always being sure that she heard me. you can only change so much for somebody before the relationship implodes, at that point you are changing the foundation in witch the relationship was built upon, and sometimes that foundation is no longer strong enough to bear weight
Thanks for the insight! I always wondered about this and never really understood it. I would say something and there would be no response and not even a facial expression to indicate that it was heard. 🙂
This explains so much!
I can be 12 inches from him and yelling his name, but he doesn’t even know I’m there.
But from two rooms away, he can hear us discussing something he thinks he knows more than us on 🙄
When I asked the Narcissisr who broke the window glass at my place...
First of all he said his Mother did it then he quickly changed it to his sister!
In reality he broke the glass.
His answers were so childlike.
This is so helpful, thank you. I’ve recently come to the realization that my brother is a covert narcissist and have made the painful decision to cut him out of my life completely to prevent him from hurting me and my children any longer.
Sam, thank you for doing this for us. you are making history.
Sir, could you please make a video about Narcisists in the education system? Teachers or people in this system who supposed to understand you, help you and "guide" you but instead block and devalue you.
Will do.
Yea!!! That’s a great suggestion because it happens. It’s the reason so many drop out of school
Teachers Doctors/surgeons with a god complex, and many others in authority!
My narcissistic ex-wife teaches 3rd grade and she use to tell me about taking pleasure in making students cry. I didn’t even ask for context. I’m certain the same applied to me
That is a great suggestion ! I had a relationship with a highschool teacher who was very kind at the beginning and after a few months started to ignore me and treated me like inferior. There was no love , no empathie at all on his side. He went back to live with his mother after he had had a serious accident in the mountains. It took me a while to realize something was very wrong in him. I asked myself how can a teacher be able to work in the education system with his narcissistic mental disorder ? Very strange !
You are brilliant. The very best and on point on every topic where other specialists can't go. Your exquisite and incredibly detailed understanding of narcicism is so helpful..I finally know someone understands every nuance and gets what I went through. Thank you so very much!
Just brilliant!
Totally describes my mother - and the most bizarre thing about it: I am the complete opposite: no filters, pathetically honest, total perception of my surroundings, rich inner world, I feel never bored or empty, theory-of-mind-blind, eidetic memory, sensitive ... and so on.
You've guessed it: I am diagnosed with Aspergers. One can imagine the struggle, misunderstandings and drama between my mother and me.
The only good news is: Very often I just ignored her weird mind games and manipulations since I didn't even get them.
But it was sad of course and I left home early because the constant drama almost destroyed me and the whole family.
I feel sorry for her - she probably tried hard ... but she truly was unable of being a loving and caring mother.
Thank you once again for the incredible insight, Mr. Vaknin!
Your normal she had you believing something was wrong with you. When in fact it was her narcissism you were absorbing...
@@RandallGlatt Thank you! That makes a lot of sense.
That’s my mom’s game, too. Now I know why she is so oppositional to anything I say to her. It’s like she needs to overtake every conversation to her side of view regardless of any feedback. This is gaslighting, if I understand correctly.
Can not wait to hear this!!!
Thank You again Professor Sam!
This the fight I had all my life, a narcissistic mother and a bi-polar father and they had to marry because ' I made my mother pregnant. Finally my siblings are beginning to see, 70 years later
Deceives himself into not believing he is deceiving himself...
How could you ever know?
It's a sincere question.
Ask him any question, in general not giving back any response , one and half months later ask him again what is his answer, he said let him think about what, and then no response again!!! So sick of this animal!!
"if I think it's true, then it is" she said.. reciprocal inhibition...wow,..
Grandiosity is their
M.O.!!!
Deception also
Thank you for the graspable concepts, having experienced this phenomena through my mother's ability /inability to remember reality, or hear actual words, it helps to understand the mechanism behind/embedded in the behavior.
I think I have learnt more vocabulary than I have learnt in my whole life after watching one of your videos. Sheeeww!! It's a lot of googling!!
This is thee best explanation of the mind of a narc. It really is how they process information. The way they think is what makes them all the same. Its not some cohesive list of does and don'ts. Its not out right evil either.. From my experience their behaviors can be night and day from eachother, with some exceptions( there are some common themes and patterns of behavior) but the way they process information as described in this video is 100 percent spot on. Anything I say to my husband he seems to run thru this "good guy filter" and whats worse is that I may say something and its his mind that attaches meaning and connotation, so if I for example say I didn't like the way he and another woman were behaving with eachother, he immediately runs it thru his good guy filter and if he considers said behavior as only associated with a "bad husband" or in his words a "pos" then I've made it all up, it never happened and im crazy or im lying. Lately I've been hearing alot of " what's wrong with you" my heart is breaking all the time 😔 it's been 12 years of this shit. The gas lighting, blame shifting, no accountability, unfairness towards the thoughts, opinions and feelings of
Our children/family, the way he weaponizes his or my emotions, the way he stays withdrawm and then blames me for thr lack of intimacy or emotionL connection....,, him waiting for me to fail/fuck up. Its been so exhausting. And ofcourse hear i am giving him all the knowledge he needs to level up 😅 I know he hears what I'm saying, he doesn't hear it to change or be better, he hears it so he can learn to decieve better in the future. He acts like he cares, he acts like he wants to give a shit, im convinced its all an act. At the very least his self image matters above else.
Dear Prof. Vaknin ,
thank you for today's lecture. It has once again brought together many pieces of the puzzle.
There is one thing I still don't understand.
Please help me to find the missing link.
You said that the narcissist blocks out all external stimuli in his memory. Got it. So far so good.
How can the narcissist in a real face to face conversation respond in words to such for example criticism , which clearly challenges his grandiosity ? He defends / justifies himself .
This requires a performance of the narcissist's brain (speech centre). Is this impulse then deleted as a whole at the end of the conversation?
Under the motto: what is not allowed to be, is also not?
Doesn't this reacting / responding to what the other person says pose a danger to the narcissist's brain , as it gains access to the system ?
I understand that the narcissist fades out or quickly forgets the sentences of the other person.
What happens to his own quite coherent answers?
They presuppose a thought process.
Thx
In his mind, his responses SUPPRESS and ERASE the injurious speech (criticism, disagreement, etc.)
@@samvaknin thanks
Listening to your talks is like a breath of fresh air for me. I love how you explain the inner processing of the NPD. I feel totally less alone in my own conclusions. You're a big help to anyone who needs to understand cluster b disorders.
This has been one of the most fascinating things I’ve heard - thank you for explaining it so well!
Thanks so much Sam for making the videos. I find this a super explanation of how a narcissist mind works.
Basically extreme egotism. Not so hard if you work with it knowing that.
This actually brought much needed peace. Thank you.
Thank you Sam Vaknin. Your observations and insights are priceless. What you say sounds like a truth that we've already known, but it never was spoken by anyone until now.
This is a fascinating clip. I never questioned narratives in a fundamental way. How does a narrative help me? Why do I need narratives? It seems that overly-strong narratives are a kind of learning disability.
This was incredibly helpful. Thank you!
Most humans in fact do this, at least under certain circumstances. "Hearing only what you want to hear/filtering through your own perceptions" is a well known phenomenon.
Follows really as most humans have a narcissistic element, as seen in the way we treat animals.
It is a demon that jumps into people.
When they don't know what got into them, which is a saying that goes back thousands of years.
Life is nothing but a spiritual battlefield.
All mental illness, thought and emotion stems from the spirit world.
We can only see a small amount of the light spectrum. Same thing with sound. Even smell.
We aren't built to see everything. It's for our survival only.
Yes and I can watch it In real time. It's like I can see what he's thinking before he does
Thank you very much for this extremely helpful video, which I listened to twice while working and I'm listening again now.
I found it very validating, especially hearing from you, that highly narcissistic individuals don't hear, as well as have unconscious responses, because I've been saying that for years, yet others believe the opposite!
I'm thinking that you'd be aware that this means that many, if not most, narcissism counsellors etc, not to mention the followers, have given and continue to give INCORRECT information to millions of people.
They state that it's a matter of choice and they just don't care, whereas I thought that their responses are mainly automatic, which is the case with people at the other end of the spectrum as well, if that makes sense. 😊
Narcissists new supply (girlfriend) has been putting up with him for a while now. I have no idea what she sees in him. She’s gotta be experiencing this same stuff that I did!
I call my ex’s next wife my “get out of jail free” card. In truth, not exactly cost-free, but out of that jail-hell anyway.
the double bite got me😂 so true! they unbelievably lie to themselves!
I once met someone who claimed not to have an internal dialogue between himself and himself, ever.
There are people who think without an inner voice and don't have an internal monologue. It's just their thinking style, nothing pathological. Most thoughts I have are voiceless. I just know what I think. But I do have internal dialogues. Look it up on youtube: "thinking without inner voice"
That's not uncommon. True of about 40% of the population.
Even mine pretend as if his not hearing or he forgot everything you talked about
it makes them look braindead
This really hit exactly, thank you.
This was the video I needed to understand the memory gaps, altered memories and fake memories I experienced in a relationship. Of course I can't say my memory is perfect. Also good point about gaslighting, I knew what I experienced was never intentional. I feel so bad for her, it's not her fault.
They are just liars. They do it on purpose to control you. Feeling sorry for them is how they get you trapped.
This is incredible,I’ve been listening to Dr. Sam for a while. He has decomposed my husband entirely. I always knew there was something off,but the way Dr. Sam unpacks the NARC,leaves one without doubt,of what you are dealing with. Most of the time my husband does not make any sense,but he goes into a rage if you contradict him. Yes,he is violent,and will take any measures to get his way. This particular video was a complete description,of how my husband operates in his own mental state. We are still together,yes I’ve been greatly affected,it is very complicated.
From around 5:00 to 9:00 I found it explains why a narcissist needs you to believe their narratives and reflect them back to them as legitimate. And why they need you to act in a particular way that won't shatter their internal haywire conclusions that don't square with reality. Asserting your reality or disagreeing can shake them up. It is especially shattering if you say your conclusion works for you and you can agree to disagree. They want you to be what they want you to be.
You my friend are absolutely on point !
You have given me a lot to think about.
This is the everyday is of psychodynamics. It is also a favorite interest of mine as it is so beautifully tragic
Hopefully as technology becomes more sophisticated it can all be substantiated in the mind of the followers of the church of scientism.
This explains my narcissistic musical friend drumming out of rhythm
Nailed. IT IS hard for the people around them.
Sam thank you❤I usually listen to you @1.5 speed but this one I had to slow down to get, still trying to get 😅❤
I made the mistake of marrying a vulnerable narcissist.
One of the things I've noticed is that she seems to be deaf, not just to me when attempting to discuss our relationship, but to lyrics in songs.
She may have heard a given song her entire life and seems to have no idea what they're singing about. She'll have the lyrics so oddly wrong that it makes absolutely no sense.
After watching this, a bunch of stuff makes a lot more sense.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. The descriptions help us understand what is going on, especially when virtually all of your descriptions match up with what we are observing.
I have watched much your content. I think this particular insight should be seen as part of the foundational core of your research legacy.
I have watched MANY videos on NPD. This one tapped into something hidden deep in the psyche that I have never before heard, but makes complete sense.
Thank you Sam