How Narcissist/Psychopath Sees YOU (his Victim) & Why Borderlines Adore Them

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  • Опубліковано 8 чер 2020
  • Buy most of my books in Amazon www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...
    The narcissist’s grandiosity crucially depends on co-idealization: he idealizes his partner so that he can feel idealized. If his partner is the most drop-dead gorgeous super-genius, what does it say about him that she is his and no one else’s?
    Co-idealization occurs simultaneously in two spaces, one real and one imaginary. The narcissist’s pathological narcissistic space is his stomping ground: his home, church, neighborhood pub, volunteer organization, or workplace. In short: the location in which his sources of supply habitually congregate and interact to provide him with adulation and affirmation. Concurrent with this physical site, the narcissist maintains a shared fantasy space within which he idealizes both himself and his intimate mate.
    When the narcissist is forced to return to reality, when he is brutally awakened and decompensates (his defenses crumble), he usually does so by having been narcissistically injured or even mortified. He then devalues the fount of hurt and frustration. He uses the infantile splitting defense mechanism to render his partner the polar opposite of her erstwhile idealized version.
    But, exactly as idealizing the partner resulted in self-idealization, devaluing her results in self-devaluation (“how could I have been so stupid and blind and gullible and wrong and fallible to not see how inferior she is”). To avoid this excruciating outcome, the narcissist engenders an external mortification (“she is an evil, dumb, psychopathic bitch and I must punish her”) and immediately embarks on a new round of co-idealization with the next available and willing victim.

КОМЕНТАРІ • 1 тис.

  • @lizmurphey545
    @lizmurphey545 3 роки тому +1008

    "If he's too good to be true he's a psychopath" lol I love this.

    • @marshaspell5148
      @marshaspell5148 3 роки тому +22

      Truth

    • @nafissforghani3866
      @nafissforghani3866 3 роки тому +15

      Yes, so true 😔

    • @kittycam7888
      @kittycam7888 3 роки тому +18

      yes always remember if something seems to good to be true?!......... then theres a good chance it IS too good to be true !!! ........caution

    • @TelzAll
      @TelzAll 2 роки тому +37

      I'm scared to date ....

    • @Guardianangel369
      @Guardianangel369 2 роки тому +51

      He mirrored me, all my wants and needs, even desires i didn't know i had. But he couldn't keep up with those needs and wants. His mask slowly slipped bit by bit, until it was apparent that he was a fraud.

  • @butterflygirl3359
    @butterflygirl3359 9 місяців тому +36

    Ok I was a very happy, successful, well functioning adult woman going through an amicable divorce when I met a malignant narcissist at a divorce support group for children, (I had two little ones at the time). He showed up with his daughter, (the only guy in the group), looking like a lost puppy telling everyone how mean his ex-wife was to abandon him and his little girl. I felt SO bad for him and he kept telling me how amazing I was to handle divorce so well when he was just falling apart and could I please help him! I fell for it and let me tell you, within a year I was acting like a raging co-dependent borderline. These men MAKE YOU MENTALLY ILL. They absolutely find strong, caring, giving, understanding women and EMOTIONALLY DESTROY THEM.

    • @Youtubehandlesaresilly
      @Youtubehandlesaresilly 2 місяці тому +1

      The female equivalents do the same for many men.

    • @carriecastanos
      @carriecastanos Місяць тому

      We learn though, not to be gullible.

    • @Sonta-anDellErba
      @Sonta-anDellErba 7 днів тому +1

      I have had a similar experience… the covert part is the hardest to recognize. I was with my partner for eight years before his “true colors” came out. And wow. I felt deeply hurt.

  • @Jezzicar
    @Jezzicar 2 роки тому +715

    This is so spot on , my ex sometimes was so clever and yet so stupid at the same time , it is a very bizarre situation , a little boy stuck in a mans body .

    • @alexisgreen-hernandez4709
      @alexisgreen-hernandez4709 2 роки тому +27

      I know how you feel. I apologize that you had to endure that experience.

    • @jontoering7792
      @jontoering7792 2 роки тому +13

      YESSSSS!!!!!!!

    • @AnhNguyen-hn9vj
      @AnhNguyen-hn9vj 2 роки тому +8

      The psychopath is like an animal, the predator type. You may to be becareful with interacting too much with narcarcist or psychopath. It is like a disease, the mental type, you may get mentally infected or influence and didn't even know it. very frightening.

    • @taelyar
      @taelyar 2 роки тому +16

      @@AnhNguyen-hn9vj I left a toxic job after I found myself behaving in ways that were not up to my own standards.

    • @Jezzicar
      @Jezzicar 2 роки тому +2

      @@onemightyandstrong8293 you welcome

  • @lauraf.e2788
    @lauraf.e2788 4 роки тому +838

    Little wonder I Iost my sanity during periods of my life where I was surrounded by narcissists.

    • @inpursuitofhappiness9441
      @inpursuitofhappiness9441 3 роки тому +65

      I had 3 full-blown mental breakdowns during 3.5 yrs with Narc. So good to be away from that insanity.

    • @lauraf.e2788
      @lauraf.e2788 3 роки тому +38

      @@inpursuitofhappiness9441 Oh, I'm so sorry. I also had several full blown mental breakdowns. Completely lost it.

    • @101iswhatsup
      @101iswhatsup 3 роки тому +19

      😢. Relatable. I relate it to CPU processing and the bill after a meal. We are stuck holding to so many open tabs, our memory is tampered and our emotional bank is drainned as well. Hope you all are well.

    • @inpursuitofhappiness9441
      @inpursuitofhappiness9441 3 роки тому +16

      @@LiveFaustDieJung Yes! Free, healed (well, almost :)) and on to a better life. Take care.

    • @mostthegames3723
      @mostthegames3723 3 роки тому +3

      Absolutely.

  • @meganwatson5540
    @meganwatson5540 4 роки тому +1210

    When I think about dating again, I turn on Sam’s videos then I remember... nope! ♥️

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому +352

      Thank you ... I guess (laughing hard)

    • @toothdoc215
      @toothdoc215 3 роки тому +66

      Me too ...to much trouble !!

    • @marinahila6944
      @marinahila6944 3 роки тому +127

      Me too, not just dating but making close friends, too. NPD is a spiritual attack on kind, empathetic people. NPDs are demons - not human, anyway.

    • @nichellepatterson3174
      @nichellepatterson3174 3 роки тому +12

      Same here!

    • @kanatapaw
      @kanatapaw 3 роки тому +12

      🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩😄

  • @pickles432noname6
    @pickles432noname6 3 роки тому +619

    As soon as my husband realized I no longer believed in his delusion of himself, he found a girlfriend.

    • @angelicarosewinters4253
      @angelicarosewinters4253 3 роки тому +14

      Me2

    • @bryanhoover7715
      @bryanhoover7715 3 роки тому +3

      @@angelicarosewinters4253
      QQ

    • @queennumber1695
      @queennumber1695 3 роки тому +51

      Yes! Once I was not seeing him as my hero anymore - he found someone new who did.

    • @Hawaiiansky11
      @Hawaiiansky11 3 роки тому +28

      I broke up with mine, and thought (but haven't said - yet - depends on if he tries to Hoover me back) - "Just think of it this way, [ex]. Now you no longer have to lie and pretend that you are available to all those women you lust after."

    • @eileenfontes1668
      @eileenfontes1668 3 роки тому +5

      That late?

  • @superdupercoolawsome
    @superdupercoolawsome 6 місяців тому +34

    As a borderline, your videos remind me to not date. Not only am I drawn to narcissists and sociopaths but I also do not have the appropriate neurotypical defenses in order to protect myself appropriately from the subsequent enmeshment.

    • @Luckilylukki
      @Luckilylukki 2 місяці тому +9

      Don’t be weak and let that shit control you. I have BPD too and yea it’s tuff but with therapy it does get better. I’ve been in an amazing healthy relationship for a very long time now. Don’t let it define you.

    • @mattevans8090
      @mattevans8090 8 днів тому +2

      I’m with this other comment- y’all borderlines are so frustrating with your “I need to be a good person” “omggg my life is always falling apart because I am a bad object” … just let go of it and be free

    • @DontbeanNPC
      @DontbeanNPC 5 днів тому

      And you're just as toxic as they are so you're also doing others a favor by not dating so I'm sure they'd be grateful.

  • @patriciaearley4177
    @patriciaearley4177 3 роки тому +275

    The narcissist misjudges everything in his chaotic mind

    • @happydays9613
      @happydays9613 3 роки тому +24

      Yeah even being dumped.

    • @josuemc93
      @josuemc93 3 роки тому +23

      It’s always about themselves too

    • @TheBlubunni
      @TheBlubunni 3 роки тому +9

      100%

    • @staciemarie5859
      @staciemarie5859 3 роки тому +5

      @@josuemc93 Always! Even my fathers received death! Are you kidding me? Sorry for your loss but I've had a few bad things happening too 👏 Classic!

  • @dmk7826
    @dmk7826 3 роки тому +422

    Brilliant explanation of a very complex animal 👏🏽 i now can see why people prefer to stay single and cohabitate with their dogs or cats instead of dating 🤣

    • @colinogorman8279
      @colinogorman8279 3 роки тому +33

      Dating is a nightmare even when it's not a narcissist etc 🤣

    • @barbarachamberlain1763
      @barbarachamberlain1763 3 роки тому +39

      Animals are genuine.
      With them there is no mucking around with pathetic mind games.

    • @jsf8145
      @jsf8145 3 роки тому +22

      Grateful to be single. In hindsight, I dodged a few bullets in my twenties and very thankful to not have pursued those relationships any further than I did.
      Couldn't imagine having a child with a Narc and having to deal with all of their narcissistic, crazy making, family members.
      I'd rather have a Labrador retriever any day of the week.

    • @dianevanderlinden3480
      @dianevanderlinden3480 2 роки тому +27

      yep. All those so-called crazy cat ladies are onto something

    • @dorisbrinkerhoff8124
      @dorisbrinkerhoff8124 2 роки тому +20

      yes i,v never been abused by my cat s and dogs .

  • @pisces_chick2511
    @pisces_chick2511 4 роки тому +403

    Divorcing a malignant narc/sociopathic traits as we speak after being with him for 25 years. At the end, I was a complete shell of a person. I saw how he got off on my pain, tears and heartbreak. Anytime I was having a good day or in a good mood, he did what he could to burst my balloon and then it was like he was walking on air?! I NEVER understood that!! It took me 25 yrs to figure out what I was truly dealing with. He is a raging alcoholic & got diagnosed with Bipolar. I just chalked it up to that. I felt I couldn't leave him with a clear conscious because he is sick & these issues can be treated & helped. I put so much love, energy & tears into our life & family, too much invested to walk away. Know I have all the information and it was dire & bleak. He discarded me for a friend of mine. Who is also his own cousin & the wife of his best friend. It was a traumatizing, violent, cruel discard. I watch any video or read any article I can to help educate myself so I NEVER get sucked in by one ever again. Thank you for your knowledge!

    • @pisces_chick2511
      @pisces_chick2511 4 роки тому +65

      @@soultosoul6645 they love to isolate us and eventually we aide in isolating ourselves as well, sadly. This is what started his discard, I made an ultimatum and threatened to leave for good if he didn't get help by a psychiatrist and therapy. He despised me for it, but set up an appointment. Then he started spending more time at his best friends house to the point of not even coming home. Found out he was grooming the best friend's wife, who is the malignant's own cousin! Also found out he had an affair with my gay nephew!! It disgusts me and angers me to the core. It proves how sick, perverse & disordered he really is. It was a very traumatic, dramatic, cruel & tortured summer. I finally found the answer of his issue, NPD!! I dont think I'll ever heal completely from the years of being married to him and the final discard was almost worse than all the years in the marriage. I hope things get better for you. Wish I knew about these kinds of people 20+ years ago, how different my life would be.

    • @777hathor
      @777hathor 4 роки тому +47

      Yes they even like to see your confusion and bewilderment or shock when you are trying to understand their actions or words.
      It's that WTF moment ....you are stunned

    • @bestlife9027
      @bestlife9027 4 роки тому +25

      @@pisces_chick2511 Forgive yourself for not knowing. You were confused and experienced constant stress and brain fog to even know what was going on.
      For most of us, we were set up from childhood by narc parents so we grow up not knowing that this is actually a mental illness.
      These women go in depth about NPD:
      *Kim Saed
      *Lisa A Romano
      *Dr Carmen Bryant
      *Helen Sadler Destiny Helper
      They're all on UA-cam. You will completely heal. Do not underestimate the magic within you. Everything you need, hope, determination, strength, discernment etc can all be found within you and nowhere else.
      You will make a full recovery. Believe in yourself. What have you got to lose?
      Here is a website that may help with some ideas and information.
      www.anniewrightpsychotherapy.com/how-to-recover-from-growing-up-with-a-narcissistic-parent/
      I think this experience has taught all of us women to never ignore the red flags, listen to our intuition, and to have self respect for ourselves and our bodies.
      Be well beautiful.

    • @Annika1107
      @Annika1107 4 роки тому +12

      Happy for you and glad you're getting out ❤

    • @Cekatu
      @Cekatu 4 роки тому +1

      @@bestlife9027 Just curious. Why would you be on someone's channel advertising/promoting other people's channels? So many times I've seen UA-camrs ask people to desist from doing that in their comments section......

  • @janineroux2398
    @janineroux2398 4 роки тому +383

    There are so many variations of this kind of behaviour in the world around us, one wonders if there is anyone who is, actually, completely normal...? There are so many victims of our broken society out there....

    • @cecilycornishphdleadership9658
      @cecilycornishphdleadership9658 3 роки тому +10

      Your work is intriguing and your research is like no other I have seen.

    • @cecilycornishphdleadership9658
      @cecilycornishphdleadership9658 3 роки тому +2

      Please direct me to your research you have written and your favorite research articles and journals on the narcissist.

    • @rockydennisville7517
      @rockydennisville7517 3 роки тому +5

      @@cecilycornishphdleadership9658 try 'The Little Shaman Healing' channel. She is the BEST.

    • @laceymisquadis2760
      @laceymisquadis2760 3 роки тому +6

      I was just wondering this myself...

    • @rohithreddy75
      @rohithreddy75 3 роки тому +10

      There exist people who you like but you can only spot them when you're vibrating higher

  • @vincentwilliams8685
    @vincentwilliams8685 4 роки тому +418

    I could have listened to another 2 hours of this...extremely interesting.

    • @NkNk-vg8fc
      @NkNk-vg8fc 4 роки тому +25

      Didn’t want it to end

    • @restccpow1504
      @restccpow1504 4 роки тому +5

      I don't like to admit it but he sounds extremely clever and to the point, I understand why he feels like a narcist in a way, he must have high IQ, but I am afraid saying that I just support his narcissism even more, anyway I think there are narcists who are not that special

    • @litsabradford5043
      @litsabradford5043 4 роки тому +17

      Fucking excellent. Thank you.

    • @CricketMcCrickets
      @CricketMcCrickets 4 роки тому +8

      Thanks...I'm about to have a showdown with one ... can't wait

    • @eliswebster8847
      @eliswebster8847 3 роки тому

      CricketMcCrickets : me too, is it litigious? wish us both well.

  • @johnthefreeguy
    @johnthefreeguy 2 роки тому +108

    I grew up in a tight religious family with a narcissistic father and probably a borderline mother. My two sisters and I have inherited a lot from our parents violent relationship. Sam Vaknin is helping me a lot about my childhood and my mental illness that produced a lot of suffering. Now I'm becoming more aware and am on the way of healing myself and my relationships. Thank you for what you do despite all criticism.

  • @in2delite
    @in2delite 4 роки тому +52

    Bottom line: psychopaths, sociopaths, borderliners, narcs...are all attracted to each other. You have to have some sort of childhood trauma or unresolved PTSD issues to magnetically be pulled to one another. And that is the most painful truth to acknowledge and realize the unhealthy patterns that keep repeating like a neverending dejavu.

    • @SK-no2pp
      @SK-no2pp 4 роки тому +17

      They all attracts codependents

    • @amyb7823
      @amyb7823 6 місяців тому +9

      I'm not sure if they always attract others like themselves romantically though. I don't see how that makes sense. Wouldn't they want someone whom they suspect is naive and unaware of this "chess game" that's about to be played. I suspect they usually want someone who's easy to manipulate, someone with increased amounts of empathy, maybe some low self esteem and childhood traumas, sure. But I think it's important to note that childhood trauma, neglect and even abuse does not always equate to someone turning into a narcissist, sociopath etc. Some people never develop the ability to stand up for themselves and to have any standards for how they wish to be treated by others and that is their results from their childhood trauma. I suspect these individuals are perfect targets who are easy to control and manipulate.

    • @Youtubehandlesaresilly
      @Youtubehandlesaresilly 2 місяці тому +3

      @@amyb7823that’s where BPD and co-dependents get involved.
      Someone healthy (in general) will be able to feel what is happening and will either run away or be able to defend themselves.
      There are notable exceptions for those particularly naive or those trapped in environments where they can’t escape. Like kids.

    • @asianmtl
      @asianmtl 2 місяці тому

      Even asked to submitted on the dayly life to him...wow...For real

    • @dmt7674
      @dmt7674 2 місяці тому

      Isn’t this all people?

  • @lauraf.e2788
    @lauraf.e2788 4 роки тому +257

    Yes, in my experience many narcissists are self aware. Problem is, they're missing the narcissist word. So they proclaim that they are "misunderstood" or "something may be wrong with me" etc. Of course, the blame is squarely on the victim.

    • @BradConroy_guitar
      @BradConroy_guitar 4 роки тому +25

      My ex; "With my psychology" or "Maybe I can start seeing someone to find out if something really is wrong with me" or "Sometimes I think I am schizophrenic, but know I shouldn't tell anyone." She would tell on herself at these really bizarre times, like out of nowhere, but then deny it if I brought it up.

    • @healingleafwave6963
      @healingleafwave6963 4 роки тому +6

      Which is the narc ironically

    • @lauraf.e2788
      @lauraf.e2788 4 роки тому +22

      @Sia I was told "stop twisting my words" over and over. I get that it's a disorder but I still find it bizarre that narcissists all uses the same phrases.

    • @lauraf.e2788
      @lauraf.e2788 4 роки тому +16

      @Sia yes, all narcissists I've known have been highly emotionally abusive. Physical - not so much, although my health has been very badly affected. Have you escaped the narcissist yet?

    • @user-pv9my4gl9w
      @user-pv9my4gl9w 3 роки тому +12

      Yes, ex said a few times "Everyone is trying to make me think that I'm crazy...and make me feel like maybe I am...but Nah, now I see that ya'll are the crazy ones."

  • @ladybug7967
    @ladybug7967 11 місяців тому +46

    I have a friend who is a borderline and only married and dated narcissists. Three failed marriages. Now dating another narcissist 🤦🏻‍♀️. This video is spot on!

    • @TheIsraelProphetess
      @TheIsraelProphetess 8 місяців тому +15

      Im a borderline. I can tell you from experience part of it is that we enjoy hurting narcissists. No one Can hurt a narcissist like a borderline. I was equally abusive to all my narc exes. And they wouldn’t ever leave. Trust me, narcs deserve all the abuse they get and more.

    • @TowgPowerPlay
      @TowgPowerPlay 8 місяців тому

      chill yo why you abusing abusers?@@TheIsraelProphetess

    • @tonyarvanitakis6457
      @tonyarvanitakis6457 8 місяців тому +3

      @@TheIsraelProphetesswho cares what you think ?!?!? 😂
      Lighten up a little

    • @leesdroidaccountharbin9665
      @leesdroidaccountharbin9665 2 місяці тому

      I was dating a narc for 3 years. I don't think I stopped being abusive, I just held back. When she told me she cehated on me, I made sure to make her life a living hell. It comes from when I was abused by my narc mother.
      Narcs often have borderlines for children@@TheIsraelProphetess

    • @chaima36996
      @chaima36996 Місяць тому

      ​@@tonyarvanitakis6457 no one cares about you to little joke , you breathe weakness

  • @harryballs4184
    @harryballs4184 4 роки тому +245

    I love how you said that narcissism is a post traumatic state. As I have been recovering and healing from my ex husband, who I believe was a narcissist, I have actually recognized some narcissistic behaviors that I was participating in.

    • @mimib6893
      @mimib6893 3 роки тому +43

      @S B Agreed. However I have learned and experienced it goes up a few levels....to narcissistic plots, thoughts and actions that we never dreamed of entertaining/deploying deeds on the sinister side...stuff we never dreamed we'd think or do if with these folks long enough. If you say " no way, not me " just give it 20-30 years and you'll floor yourself. Not proud, just keeping it real.

    • @dojudodojudo5173
      @dojudodojudo5173 3 роки тому +5

      @@mimib6893 keeping it real. Same here.

    • @josuemc93
      @josuemc93 3 роки тому +8

      @@mimib6893 Explains why their partner whom became an ex projected their anger amd frustrations onto me rather than the partner. Long story short; I was never attracted to the narcissist, the partner saw me as a threat despite one on one reassurances, despite harsh rejections to narcissist. In the end, I was STILL the bad guy. I was just a friend who went out of the way to cease communications for the sake of their relationship and the narcissist manipulated the partner.

    • @twogirlsandapsychopath4879
      @twogirlsandapsychopath4879 3 роки тому +17

      Me too. I'm thankful for that though, because now I can make better choices. I don't want to be anything like the narcs in my life and I was horrified to realize I had taken on a few traits. No more!

    • @carfincap
      @carfincap 2 роки тому +24

      @Harry Balls We absorb the energy when we are gaslit for so long. The traits. We are reactive. Do not judge yourself. Purge it out. You’re strong AF.

  • @austinbeatty4434
    @austinbeatty4434 7 місяців тому +26

    I have BPD and I’ve studied it ever since I found out I had it. But this is one of the best explanations of BPD I think I’ve ever heard because I know I cycle through a bunch of different “masks” and feel like I have no control over them. I can be ruthless, I am mostly kind, but in the blink of an eye be cold and ruthless. I’ve never understood why, and it does make me feel safe. It’s also funny how you mentioned the power because at times my BPD does make me feel powerful and invincible. Now that I’m self aware though, I do my very best not to manipulate people. Thank you for this video it was eye opening for my own experience of BPD.

    • @superdupercoolawsome
      @superdupercoolawsome 6 місяців тому +1

      Yes! I never understood that ‘switch’ that tends to happen when I split. It’s honestly why I always suspected something was ‘wrong’.

    • @nealiecruz2532
      @nealiecruz2532 3 місяці тому

      I truly believe my mother has BPD. She’s 75 and I’m 54.
      Should I tell her that I believe she has this?

    • @johnschmid865
      @johnschmid865 3 місяці тому +3

      @@nealiecruz2532don’t tell her. There’s no one there. My mom has BPD too. They are truly dead inside like a ghost, just a false persona. So painful when it’s your mom

    • @carriecastanos
      @carriecastanos Місяць тому

      I understand you!

  • @lizmurphey545
    @lizmurphey545 3 роки тому +95

    This is crazy. I've dated one of each lol. I'm almost too scared to even date again. I'm into this one guy and he seems so laid back and normal and sane and emotionally intelligent and smart and I just can't do it. I don't know. I can't deal with any more crazy.

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  3 роки тому +77

      Watch the vid about trusting again.

    • @lizmurphey545
      @lizmurphey545 3 роки тому +33

      @@samvaknin I will! It's wonderful to know that you are reading these comments.

  • @chereseplatt686
    @chereseplatt686 3 роки тому +79

    Well explained, Most pshycologists cant even begin to understand this, let alone explain this.

    • @rohithreddy75
      @rohithreddy75 3 роки тому +8

      @@joeygreathouse3029 Thats with every profession.Its our own responsibility to find the right one.

    • @colinogorman8279
      @colinogorman8279 3 роки тому +2

      True

  • @ingridhendrix3981
    @ingridhendrix3981 4 роки тому +147

    Mr Sam Vaknin! One of the best teacher of all time👏🏾👏🏾 We learn and grow with knowledge.

  • @Riostunning
    @Riostunning 5 місяців тому +3

    "Psychopaths are like Disneyland" LMAO this is the most truthful funny explanation of having one as a partner

  • @agingchill9012
    @agingchill9012 4 роки тому +153

    Yes! Watching my mildly BPD partner switch from a sweet, passive personality to a smirking, cheating, abandoning identity was disconcerting, like witnessing a multiple personality. Her crisis counselor warned me about entering into a relationship with her (right in front of her too) but being a groomed 'Designated Rescuer' at the time, I dove in anyway, LoL. Great masterclass(es), Sam. Thank you!

    • @coldcloakmusic6630
      @coldcloakmusic6630 4 роки тому +29

      I had a best friend like this. It was scary because she had no boundaries and would think she was constantly welcome at my home without asking and I would never know which side I would see. Some days it was a super submissive victim side then the smirky, laugh in your face, abusive, harassing side. So relieved this person is out of my life.

    • @agingchill9012
      @agingchill9012 4 роки тому +17

      @@coldcloakmusic6630 > Yeah, those bad boundaries and intense mood swings are scary and can be dangerous. I'll always like how this gal could be but at some point she wanted to triangulate me with her ex then tried to convince me that she was manic. But having been raised next to a non-medicated schizophrenic relative and lived with a wonderful lady that sometimes wrestled with Bipolar 1, I saw this likely was not mania and I won't tolerate triangulation so, no-contact it is.
      With her previous and now current (all over again) partner, she'd feigned suicide multiple times. I mistakenly thought she was a severely abused partner and she did maintain a steady persona for several years until... ugh... back to her BPD/NPD dance. Oh well, onward minus the surplus drama. No offense to anyone.

    • @kynathomas4809
      @kynathomas4809 3 роки тому +3

      @@coldcloakmusic6630 THIS!!!! This perfectly described a lady I befriended in my neighborhood and only after a year in a half we no longer speak.

    • @SadashiFox
      @SadashiFox 2 роки тому +6

      Yes. My Ex GF was a master of hiding who she really was away from me. She told me silly lies such as enjoying going to the bars for just the music 😒 and making me believe I was the best and only guy for her. Thank God I am single.

    • @katja6332
      @katja6332 2 роки тому +4

      Now you can heal your tendency to rescue people, if it's not your job and listen to professional peoples warnings. Love doesn't cure everything.
      I have had a male friend who lived almost six months at my apartment after trying to rescue his BDP girlfriend. He was broken, depressed, lost his former career etc and in therapy to heal.
      At one point I asked him why he got stuck after her first switch and him lying on the floor in fetus pose, crying and asking her to stop screaming and insulting him and he said, I wanted to rescue her. 💔
      It's so sad, because it is such a genuine pro-social trait and he's such a nice guy. But if you lie on the floor crying, you have to take yourself first.

  • @nuvolebianche233
    @nuvolebianche233 3 роки тому +42

    Hi,
    I have borderline. My parents were narcissists. My 3 ex boyfriends were narcissist because I pick what I'm used to. I came here to stop that and to understand and to heal.
    Borderline is probibly what happen when someone are narcissisticly abused all life. By the way - when I figured my dad out 2 years ago and told him it's not me and everybody else who are deffect, it's him, and listed all what he had done in a letter as a reminder to him, he got diagnosed with a brain tumor shortly after and died. Probably because he couldn't stand the reality. On his death bed he still abused me verbally in front of the whole family, the other patiants and the nurses. He unfortunately didn't changed even with a brain tumor and he never had an insight of regret even when in front of God in his last moments on his death bed. Then he passed away. Once a narcissist always a narcissist.
    Now I will keep on listening to your speech about me as a borderline and learn how to process the narcissists who "gave" me my personality disorder. I aim to heal. Let's hear about them and myself :-)

  • @timhook6049
    @timhook6049 3 роки тому +25

    Psychopath seems like a good match for a narcissist.

  • @jayecanada977
    @jayecanada977 4 роки тому +115

    Thank you so much. I’m a life long victim of narc abuse. I continued to date and befriend narcs by choice. You just made me realize that a man who almost destroyed me who I thought was a narc is a psychopath. It all makes sense now. Like you said he was perfect he was me. Definitely stalked me I now live in a different continent for my safety. God bless you, you are doing gods work ! Please keep doing what you are doing

    • @barbarabarnes4398
      @barbarabarnes4398 3 роки тому +21

      You can run, but you can't hide. Get your heart right with God and through His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, you will find true love and true freedom.❤

    • @BrookeKatherine.
      @BrookeKatherine. 3 роки тому +38

      @@barbarabarnes4398 why would you say “you can run but you can hide” to some that was in an abusive relationship that is now hiding in a different continent for her safety? That’s messed up and sounds heartless. You can push your religion on whoever you’d like (even though it’s rude) but leave out the comment about not being able to hide.

    • @carlala3156
      @carlala3156 3 роки тому +6

      @@barbarabarnes4398 I think you mean well, but...JEEZ.

    • @janeyd5280
      @janeyd5280 3 роки тому +4

      @@BrookeKatherine. well said.x

  • @tonyarvanitakis6457
    @tonyarvanitakis6457 8 місяців тому +6

    You are a genius at this. I have found this very healing and realise I am 100% a narcissist and was recently with the exact definition of a BPD woman. I still miss her but know I cannot be with her

  • @christinam777
    @christinam777 4 роки тому +126

    My head is still spinning from what just happened to me for a whole year. I cant get the phrase out of my mind that he repeated several times towards the end "Im very good at what I do." He told me I was preyed upon and hes very aware of his deceptions. Im not if he's a narc + plus sociopath or psycopath but based upon his idealization of murder (always joking about it, pretending it, etc) I feel hes a sociopath or psycopath and I wonder if hes hurt someone before or if I was in danger. Either way it was mentla torture. At the end he wanted to convince me how bad he was because he was discarding me and I wouldn't stop believing in the nice good church guy I first met. He finally had to yell at me "that guy is not coming back! I'm a snake! I've always been a snake!"

    • @roseglasses1
      @roseglasses1 4 роки тому +16

      I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m there now

    • @healingleafwave6963
      @healingleafwave6963 4 роки тому +14

      Geez yelled at you not even on a first date. Can you imagine what he is in 1 month or 2 weeks from now...HERESSSS JOHNY. o shit run.

    • @healingleafwave6963
      @healingleafwave6963 4 роки тому +7

      P.S. i was with a wife for 5 years i stayed so long for my daughter now shes turning 5 and i havent seen her for a year if my daughter is not a narcissistic in nature she will gather traits from her mother indirectly out of habit if that makes cents. My poor chicken little in mexico..

    • @rosejones9317
      @rosejones9317 4 роки тому +18

      Christina:.
      So sorry to hear about your terrible experience. Hope you are away from him and are healing. This video is totally on an intellectual plane, but that only answers PART of the problem. Humans are made in the image and likeness of God, therefore, we consist of a mind, body and soul. Sam is only telling part of the story -- the mental part. These people are also very, very, spiritually sick. So much so, I would say it would be wise to consult a good spiritual director. Read Dr. F. Scott Pecks books (who wrote The Road Less Traveled). He's a psychiatrist and does address the spiritual side of life. But be very careful of who and what kind of spiritual advice you seek. It can be deceiving.

    • @toothdoc215
      @toothdoc215 3 роки тому +41

      Projection !!! if someone tells you who they are believe them !!

  • @dagallgray
    @dagallgray 2 роки тому +51

    Thank you for elaborating on the intense complexity of borderlines. My mom lived with this all her life and only got effective help late in life. She was also highly intelligent (genius runs in that part of our family). She liked my narcissistic father because he was exciting. It was undescribable hell growing up in that combination. My only salvation was my grandfather often taking me and sister away for weekends and spending time with us. He knew something wasn't right and tried to compassionately offset the harshness.

    • @ZieSpiralOut
      @ZieSpiralOut 2 роки тому +6

      I’m so sorry. I feel like that is exactly like myself husband and our son. I can tell it’s affecting him. I snapped and left yesterday because my husband got mad at me for taking longer than 15 min to return his calls. I have not left the house like that in over 10 years. I walked 10 miles sobbing in freezing rain to my parents. I know that itself was traumatic to him. I told him I wasn’t leaving his life and we would still love him exactly the same. I just hope we can become better people because he way we are was just as traumatic for him and I hope I can be more like I was before I met my husband. Stable sweet reliable and loving. That’s the real me and I’m so sick of not being open anymore. I hope this shocks him into getting help as well he really needs it.

    • @bernicegoldham1509
      @bernicegoldham1509 Рік тому +1

      @@ZieSpiralOut 🍀❤️

    • @visionsmagazineonlin
      @visionsmagazineonlin Рік тому +1

      I discovered your channel many years too late. Ive had many unsettling moments watching them. Im INFJ. Got a target on my back.

  • @velmadenton3254
    @velmadenton3254 4 роки тому +64

    Sam Vaknin please never stop supplying us with such extreme erudition!🎇🌅

  • @jewlej
    @jewlej 4 місяці тому +4

    I’ve been trapped, stalked by a psychopath relationship since I was 17 years old. On/off nightmare. Now I’m 42 with restraining order that I know he doesn’t care about (he’s a convict now in and out of prisons). You are the only person that has helped me understand it completely. You nailed it. Thank you. My parents are/were narcissists. I thought life on earth was hell.

  • @sandraslate
    @sandraslate 11 днів тому

    These teachings are so clear. After a 26 year marriage to a sociopathic narcissist, I spent over 10 years in recovery. Finally jumped into dating- what did I get? A narcissist. Mirroring, love bombing, the whole thing- I really did not see it until i realized how my self esteem tanked from his subtle tactics to make me feel less and him the king. There was no ability to communicate as a calm adult. That was the clue I needed to uncover the sham. Thankfully all my recovery work gave me the confidence to get out fast. No contact. But I’m still shocked how his mind games left prints in my mind that I’m still processing.

  • @ceriusStra
    @ceriusStra 11 місяців тому +5

    You’ve described my STBX husband perfectly. Grandiosity, has to have the best, be the best. He laid low for years despite many instances of explosions, but something snapped and came out full swinging. He kept me home away from others, had no friends, and is leaving me with nothing. Now he discarded me, examined me for another woman. God have mercy on her. Definitely a stalker. Perhaps even closer to a sociopath. Extremely charming, but when he’s crossed watch out- he goes absolutely crazy in rage.

  • @icwhy4366
    @icwhy4366 Рік тому +5

    Having trouble managing my ADHD at times, I couldn't imagine how exhausting it must be for a narcissist when hes looking for a mask up there..

  • @latikabenz6289
    @latikabenz6289 Рік тому +8

    My ex husband (narcissist) didn’t even care about the possibility that i might have cheated him, Discard phase is the most awful thing anybody can experience in a relationship. But the key is to realize that it was never a relationship to the narcissist. Then you can Go on with your life.

  • @bernadinelindhorst9283
    @bernadinelindhorst9283 9 місяців тому +8

    Wow! That was eye opening. I was raised by two narcissistic parents and I picked up traits. I've never been diagnosed with narcissistic but i do have the capacity to feel empathy. My boyfriend has BPD and we fit like a glove! You described our relationship. Thank you doctor. Appreciate it ❤

  • @hematite2588
    @hematite2588 3 роки тому +23

    In my opinion Narcs are more common than we will admit to nowadays.

  • @lexiemaep7930
    @lexiemaep7930 3 роки тому +15

    Many narcissists have told me they are narcissists.

  • @lg316
    @lg316 3 роки тому +121

    My therapist said it's a red flag when someone refers to her/himself as an empath. She said it's almost always BPD because we can read a room and gage other's emotions for self preservation.

    • @mostthegames3723
      @mostthegames3723 3 роки тому +4

      I agree

    • @crystallaner230
      @crystallaner230 3 роки тому +29

      @@Afarmer690 agreed. I have cptsd and am definitely not suffering from bpd. I describe myself as an empath

    • @josuemc93
      @josuemc93 3 роки тому +12

      OH MY GOD. YESSSS!! This is exactly what the demon said, almost in a self bragging, humble-pompous way; “I’m an empath.” With a maniacal grin.

    • @taileenalvarez1626
      @taileenalvarez1626 3 роки тому +33

      Yea same. Growing up I learned to read a room and people at a very young age. It was a defense mechanism that turned out to be a "gift " /burden . I Empathize with people and put myself in others shoes. But I don't like to claim that I'm empath. Just sounds arrogant and egotistical. Lol but I do believe it's a real thing and experience.

    • @taileenalvarez1626
      @taileenalvarez1626 3 роки тому +2

      @@kimkeck6266 I've taken the test. First time I took it said I was an infj. I took a few weeks after it said infp. I'm not sure but from what I've read I think I'm probably closer to infp.

  • @ndenizm2251
    @ndenizm2251 3 роки тому +54

    Just watched this entire video and I’ve cried throughout. I fell in love with a guy who turned out to be a narcissist as we dated for 3 years then kept talking for almost another year until he discarded me. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 17 however I have tried to outgrow many of my symptoms bc I want to be better for myself and the person I end up with. However hearing all the things about borderlines reactions really hurt bc the mental rollercoaster is so true when you’re truly rejected. I would say I’m not in it as badly. I can distinct reality from fantasy but the rage and emotions vs loss of empathy that happen when someone hurts me is very true. My narcissistic ex idealized me so much and stalked and chased me until I ended the fantasy for good with something that happened and immediately found someone else and now idealizes her over me. I am nothing to him now he despises who. I am . It turned me into the one who chased. This video has made me so aware to the narcissistic abuse I endured but tried to act like didn’t happen. And it’s also making me realize that’s why he thought I was perfect soulmate for him. Most of what you say makes so much sense. It’s quite haunting. I wonder if a narcissist can change or outgrow the disorder or someone like me with borderline. Some times I feel I have outgrown many symptoms but then other times it can be very difficult.

    • @mokie2999
      @mokie2999 3 роки тому +15

      It’s like you are telling my exact story! A three year relationship followed by 18 months of total chaos, confusion and....hell. I’m so sorry for you - for both of us. I’m in therapy now and am discovering how my own issues contributed to this situation. I hope you are healing and finding some peace. ❤️

    • @Princess-ef2ux
      @Princess-ef2ux Рік тому +3

      Run 🏃🏻‍♀️ my friend, run as far away from them as you can. Save yourself!

    • @MorgannaRoseannaDanna
      @MorgannaRoseannaDanna 5 місяців тому

      I believe that I've heard Sam say previously that narcissists do not change (like, no chance of it), but that borderlines can and typically do as they age.

    • @Thrivinlily
      @Thrivinlily Місяць тому

      You can have traits and not the full blown disorder.

  • @machumak4915
    @machumak4915 2 роки тому +6

    Am glad you corrected the myth that these demons are not self-aware!

  • @lauralusk6292
    @lauralusk6292 3 роки тому +26

    Completely Impulsive !!!
    Omg how did I survive all this disfunction?!!!

  • @Mr-Lucian0_0
    @Mr-Lucian0_0 Рік тому +4

    This is the exact relationship I've been addicted to. Things have escalated dramatically after the fantasy stopped and I cannot remain blind to her anymore. This all rings true and the air I waste.

  • @beccyreece6704
    @beccyreece6704 Рік тому +5

    This is so heavy and so profound. I only find it heavy because I dated someone with psychosis and narcissism. They are telepathic almost and so coercive. He was a compulsive liar, he had an eating disorder to parade like a model, the moment he began to try and eat his whole face changed, he wasn’t even truthful about his face. He had to starve 5 days a week. He lived in a matrix where he fantasised about being a helicopter pilot. Blamed me for killing his dreams (knew him 12 months) he berated me hoping he could get access to my money (that I would pay for his flying lessons to appease him). His inner world was distorted, he would take a snapshot of what you said and say you were controlling or mean. He genuinely believed those aspects if he couldn’t have his (perceived) sexual freedom or emotional affairs. He hated people with money or success, he tried to pose as a humanitarian that we are all equal (because he had no money or material things). He tried to charm everyone but looked really crazy in places even like the grocery store. He was losing grip of trying to seek supply. Thank you for your words, so healing.

  • @mushroommagic1697
    @mushroommagic1697 2 роки тому +15

    Briliant, amazing explanation.
    I was raised by a narcissitic father and an emotionally absent mother. And it really spoke to me about how twisted my family dynamic really was and is.
    It felt so frustrating and madening when I wad dehumanized and treated like a rug because the manipulation and lies were so much.

  • @michaelking4578
    @michaelking4578 2 роки тому +17

    I saw my ex go through a strange change when she was insulted by someone rejecting her or calling her out for some strange behavior. She would get very upset and cry and then she would become very distant and cold and eventually arrogant. Lots of black and white commentary. We had a very difficult time keeping friends. Church was always a frightening thing to attend with her because she would get offended at so many things and often would get up in the middle of service and huff and puff and stomp out and I'd have to go get her or she would be down the road walking home. Home was very far away so it was just so strange to be married to that. I believe I may be a narcissist because she is a borderline. Or maybe I was one years ago when we met. I don't know for sure but she really liked me in the beginning. I've been away from her for 15 months. Life is so relaxing and peaceful now. I'm free and I plan to stay that way.

  • @christinaferreira8594
    @christinaferreira8594 3 роки тому +44

    You explain these things so throughly and it’s incredibly helpful. My mother is probably a covert narcissist and I’m trying to figure out if I have picked up narcissistic traits or if I have become one completely. This has helped me understand her a little better and that the feeling that she doesn’t truly feel anything for me isn’t something that I imagined. I actually think my father is one as well but he was different because he was more classic grandiose narcissist and I cut him off completely much sooner. Now I’m finally at the sad place where I must cut her off too. I have been observing her for a few months now and how she interacts with people and it is heartbreaking to me that all of it is a fantasy to get something. I wish she wasn’t empty and I wonder what trauma happened to her as a child to make her this way. One time my Aunt said that my grandmother was definitely one but my mother acts like she was perfect. Your other lecture on narcissists was a turning point in how I understand my life and the people around me. Thank you for making these videos they really help people.

  • @raninogrusso9761
    @raninogrusso9761 Рік тому +4

    I don't know what to say... But my eyes fill with tears, my soul falls. But now I can understand everything I went through with a narcissistic mother and father. All actions and reactions, how I suffered!!! How I suffered!!! And I thought I was guilty, Jesus was my relief, he took care of me and is healing my wounds. Sam, thank you for your work, now I know that it was God who made me watch your videos and is helping me to understand myself and my parents. Im from Brasil

  • @moldsugar-agentleralternat1099
    @moldsugar-agentleralternat1099 Рік тому +14

    I went to a Psychiatrist today. Thank you for inspiring me, sharing with me your knowledge. I have had my own trauma, yet tired of carrying it and carrying that of my parents generational trauma. I enjoy learning about this.

  • @arvogerald6124
    @arvogerald6124 4 роки тому +82

    Thanks for your profound insights and advice. Most professional understanding available. And all your concrete examples are truly eye-opening. Thanks for your great efforts and 👍👍👍

    • @bennysmom6544
      @bennysmom6544 4 роки тому +11

      I can’t agree with you more. Sam truly saved my life. No therapy can ever do this. I always left thinking it was my fault and I needed to tell him my needs more thoroughly 😩

    • @agiejones7651
      @agiejones7651 3 роки тому +3

      I concur 1000%

  • @carlac8228
    @carlac8228 2 роки тому

    Your attention and follow through on the detail has me so thankful to have truth, instead of the demonizing the thereby relieving the rumination

  • @Angie-by6je
    @Angie-by6je Рік тому +3

    14 yrs married to a man diagnosed with bipolar/BPD, 5.5 yrs with a man that was a covert narcissist and broke me, then 2 yrs with (and engaged to) a sociopath that controlled, manipulated and stole from me. I need to choose better! This video was helpful.

  • @bleuneptune
    @bleuneptune 2 роки тому +6

    Finally I understand why he called me "evil" a few times which is just very odd... No one in my life ever called me that. and it was so out of blue..

  • @beccyreece6704
    @beccyreece6704 Рік тому +5

    With the narcissist - what you say about reality vs fantasy. So, you try to tell them about reality - their eyes glaze over as it breaks the fantasy. In the experience I saw … you could see him unable to comprehend gravity/space and time (in reality). So sad. This is so sad. But it’s these types of videos that help us change the course and save lives, the lives of the victims.

  • @relaxquickbysila2810
    @relaxquickbysila2810 Рік тому

    Fascinating facts!!! I’m blown away
    I was barely blinking and rewinding so much i can see the connection and by living it I can definitely say your on point. As always thank you for the great content

  • @tomatocan2502
    @tomatocan2502 3 роки тому +1

    Fascinating stuff Sam. It clearly makes sense the way you explain things.

  • @d.w.96318
    @d.w.96318 4 роки тому +80

    Only when one sees his/her own covert manipulative behavior at the beginning of an abusive relationship and the transition to narcissistic/psychopathic behavior towards the end of the relationship did he/she realizes the complexity of this dynamic and there is no fault to assign to except to his/herself. Only then does the "insert whatever disordered" individual starts to heal in any meaningful but very painful way(Mortification). Key: Honesty to oneself with brutality, go where it hurts the most is the key to real meaningful and not fake narc healing.

    • @bluemm2852
      @bluemm2852 4 роки тому +7

      Thanks for your comment. I am a narcissist trying to heal and wish there were more helpful healing tips in resources like this.

    • @raahustaja7267
      @raahustaja7267 4 роки тому +9

      I believe that healing inevitably takes time, is gradual and there are setbacks. I recommend journaling or any type of free writing as a method to explore your inner life. You may also need a good therapist, not just any life coach but someone who goes deeper into personality structures and knows about trauma/narcissistic abuse.
      Pain is inevitable when facing your own dark side and vulnerabilities but your life quality will increase over time. Life feel so much more real without escapism/constant liying and self deception.Or at least with less of it.

    • @melissacarl2002
      @melissacarl2002 4 роки тому +1

      Shoot. How do you get away from a psychopath.

    • @d.w.96318
      @d.w.96318 4 роки тому

      @@melissacarl2002 Keep saying FUK NO, then COVID19 happened.

    • @d.w.96318
      @d.w.96318 4 роки тому +2

      @@raahustaja7267 It takes a lot of time and mental energy, even that, sometimes, you would think the darkness would engulf you forever. Lucky for me(can't speak for anyone else),the healing is a very long back and forth struggle, but the accumulative effect of intent to heal, intent to be humble and intent to be thankful helped me to reach my end of the tunnel, after that point, healing feels really rapid yet still painful.

  • @fjhggkkuhkihkkhk
    @fjhggkkuhkihkkhk 4 роки тому +58

    I have been diagnosed with BPD and you are spot on with your assessment!😉

    • @jelw3197
      @jelw3197 4 роки тому +1

      Alia B lol

    • @Christian_1980
      @Christian_1980 4 роки тому +7

      @@kmoreland3413 yip. Me too. Stay away from them the dr said. Problem is I see them in everyone.

    • @pamelaj1208
      @pamelaj1208 3 роки тому +7

      Have you heard of CPTSD? Many BPD diagnoses are actually CPTSD ...search Richard Grannon 🙂👍

  • @rosew6755
    @rosew6755 3 роки тому

    Thank you for distinguishing the differences in the psychopath and narcissist wow i had no idea!

  • @alexgorlechen5059
    @alexgorlechen5059 2 роки тому +1

    This was great! Every person should watch these. These people are out there!

  • @Funny4u2c
    @Funny4u2c 4 роки тому +14

    Thank you Sam for pointing me in the right direction. I had been trying to figure out a problem for years (decades), and you nailed it with your description of Borderline Personality Disorder.

  • @galatian5
    @galatian5 3 роки тому +6

    I've always wondered the distinct differences between the two. I love this thoroughly explanatory video.

  • @hollymayersky5105
    @hollymayersky5105 2 роки тому +1

    This is incredibly true to my borderline personality and my x narcissist, and all my relationship with narcissist. I learned so much thank you!

  • @theresaparks4883
    @theresaparks4883 7 днів тому

    Thank you for explaining the differentiation of the Narcissist, Psychopath, and Borderline! They are very different in their pathology although there’s overlap in some areas of their thought processes. Your points of reference are and break down are helping me to understand how to interact with these types of! And also better understand their intentions! So Thank you again!

  • @elli9709
    @elli9709 4 роки тому +3

    Wow wow wow..just fantastic..would love to know more about a covert narcissist with griving not just the parents but siblings thank you Sam

  • @mexifaith
    @mexifaith 4 роки тому +9

    This is super insightful. Knowing the difference and how they think really made me pinpoint some people in my life. Thank you

  • @sarpsays
    @sarpsays Рік тому

    Wow this was so enlightening. Amazing information and amazing delivery with the words, Professor.

  • @carlala3156
    @carlala3156 3 роки тому +2

    Very insightful, *frightful*, and full of so much detailed/explanatory information. Very appreciative of your videos. (ps-I must say I did like that last calling out on the ones that jump on you in their *never thought about cheating* BS and misunderstanding your conveyance. Even though I was not unfaithful, I admit there is a context to thinking about anything, especially when one realizes the depth of the reality of the nightmare; or perhaps part of my falling deeply intrinsically for this last guy, was *excitement searching* gone bad. I have to own it. Also, when I don't get it the first go around, from either being interrupted, distracted, or not comprehending; I rewind/replay, as there are a lot of nuances to your detailed examples. I would rather the detail than lack of it and thank you, again.)

  • @a.k.4085
    @a.k.4085 3 роки тому +21

    I listened to this intensely, over and over again only to come to one conclusion: my ex "whatever he was", is it possible that he was both? I don't see how this is possible, but I also don't see how it is impossible. He fits into both categories. He was a Chamelion. If I had not stayed away from a romantic relationship for the years that I did, to avoid such disasters, this man could have messed me up mentally for life. I didn't dodge a bullet, I dodged a cannon from which there possibly could not have been a recovery possible for me. Talk about grateful I called it off. I'm amazed at how well I did it. No bragging, just astonishment. I went with the "gut instinct"... some things were not at all as he made them out to be. Like pieces that don't fit in the puzzle. I won't return so I will never know the entire facts while I'm alive. Just bewildering.

  • @samfortune589
    @samfortune589 3 роки тому +35

    Your knowledge on this subject is incredible, thank you for putting these videos out.
    It's a brilliant counterweight to the frivolous, moralistic information on narcissism and psychopathy that seems to dominate mainstream discourse.

  • @LimitlessThinker
    @LimitlessThinker 4 роки тому +18

    Thank you, once again, for a fascinating presentation. Very informative!

  • @Jezebel066
    @Jezebel066 3 роки тому +24

    Still listening. This explains so much. Why when we were dating, you felt like I’ve never been so loved. I could be so ugly or gross & knew he wouldn’t care bc he loved me sooo deeply. Then we’re married & I’m afraid to even eat in front of him sometimes bc if I get food in my teeth he’s so disgusted by me

    • @ari_mas_cas3484
      @ari_mas_cas3484 2 роки тому +12

      He went from idealizing to devaluing you.
      LEAVE HIM.

    • @MICROSCOPICgiant7
      @MICROSCOPICgiant7 2 роки тому +7

      He knew he locked you into the marriage. He got tired of pretending and he let his true colors out when he felt comfortable enough to.

    • @Tonkoshala
      @Tonkoshala 4 місяці тому

      Jezebel?…

  • @JoanieCollinsVillaverde
    @JoanieCollinsVillaverde 4 роки тому +5

    Perfect. this is a brilliant explanation of what is a very confusing experience. Thank you.

  • @SethWestmore
    @SethWestmore 4 роки тому +7

    8:46 - 100% feel this way all of the time. No one understands when I explain while looking to understand myself. I always come off as "Leeyore" and piss everyone off.

  • @izzysodupe6591
    @izzysodupe6591 3 роки тому +2

    Sam , you hold your audience captive . Really good at what you do . Educated and honest . Too many bullshit guru self made “Life coaches “ online anymore. Confusing and misguiding people.

  • @sk.n.9302
    @sk.n.9302 Рік тому

    I've been learning from your blogs & videos now since 2001. Always focused, clear and revealing.

  • @Dr.RivkaEdery
    @Dr.RivkaEdery 3 роки тому +14

    Wow, just wow! I watched this video several times, gaining deeper insight, guidance and clarity. I am so grateful for your work, Dr. Vaknin. I have closure, and therefore, direction where I need it. Best wishes and prayers for you and your wife for continued strength and inspiration! Your work is beyond valuable.

  • @Kimberlyfae
    @Kimberlyfae 3 роки тому +4

    I just finished listening to your extremely interesting, and honestly quite frightening descriptions and differences concerning the mind boggling disorders of psychopaths, narcissists & borderline personalities. I've UNFORTUNATELY been entangled with this man over 7 yrs at this point! After our 'twin flame'..or whatever kind of crazy attraction that seemed to draw us together, and he moved in with me with supposed intentions of starting a life together and making plans for the future..my already complicated life began to take on nightmarish new levels of CRAZY that finally had me researching multiple personality disorders because, and I might add I had begun re- naming him in kind of a joking way to express or describe some of his ever changing attitudes and behaviors/personalities. OMG!! I had no idea what kind of a tumultuous frustrating confusing, DANGEROUS & life-changing path I was putting myself on. I'm absolutely exhausted!
    Today is Christmas Day 2020 and I have somewhere to be and I'm always running behind, but it would be wonderful to be able to talk to someone with the knowledge that you have to help me! To maybe get some answers or more information because I'm clearly not handling any of his personalities correctly. And of course I've never met anyone like that so I was treating him and his moods and behaviors trying to apply logic, some kind of understanding, a lot of empathy, and the belief that he must have had a horrible lies and childhood him something must have damaged him horribly and if someone just loved him enough (me), that I good help make him am a happier, more trusting & confident, less angry/suspicious calmer person. Because in this video he absolutely came more closely to identifying with your third choice of multiple personality disorder but he also identifies with narcissistic personality disorder and Psychopath! I thought he was a narcissist after endless research online! It's been a push-pull boomerang 'I love you I hate you' nightmare. He's also extremely dangerous! I have so far escaped extreme injury but only from years and years of past experience with my husband that drowned in 2007.
    anyway if you'd like to get in touch with me or have a way to reach me so I can reach you would you mind putting your email address I'm here where I can be notified I started to put mine on here and that wouldn't be very smart at all🙄! I'm so happy I happen to run across your video today everything happens for a reason I guess. Merry Christmas to you!

  • @Dagaleeoromo
    @Dagaleeoromo 4 роки тому +12

    Wow! Thank you! I thought I'd only watch 5 minutes but watched the whole thing and was hooked the whole time. I've subscribed

  • @JohnDoe-id1es
    @JohnDoe-id1es 3 роки тому +14

    I need to watch and re-watch this a bunch of times. So much therapy packed in 48 min. My borderline girl that just monkey branched me for either a narcissist and/or psychopath that's love bombing her, mirroring her doing everything that i didn't in just 2 weeks, etc. Very painful for me... Thanks for posting this great, informative video...

  • @antigoni5232
    @antigoni5232 3 роки тому +20

    OMG!!! my mother has borderline personality disorder and it's the first time an analysis makes so much sense. The crisis is exactly like this and it is so abusive and horrifying. So true that she sees you as an object to eliminate!!! Plus the fantasies of grandiosity!

  • @jessiccabatista6044
    @jessiccabatista6044 2 роки тому +4

    Dr. Vaknin,
    Thank you always for your professionalism and for your insight. You have also displayed a sense of humor.
    (:

  • @Starla66
    @Starla66 3 роки тому +4

    Thoroughly enjoyed listening to you. Brilliant.

  • @dorotakrzeszewska3313
    @dorotakrzeszewska3313 Рік тому +2

    I have recently discovered the professor through an interview with Daria Zukowska :) .. now I watch all of you and I am very grateful for each video that explains the aspects of personality disorders and the whole range of these interdependent ones. one thing is certain, no matter how long the contact with a narcissist, or a few months or a few years, they can wreak havoc and chaos from which it takes a long way to reassemble.

  • @TheOGym
    @TheOGym 2 роки тому +6

    I found lots out about myself. I stopped lying to myself. And when I started saying the truth I started to realize my actions. Im a recovering vulnerable narcissist. I had an insane amount of child abuse from age 3 to 18. Mental abuse with memories and post traumatic disorder. I am now almost 25. I found out so much about myself on January 14th 2022. I am finally free from such a dramatic childish mikey in me. I have been going through insane growth. Learning about how I feel. No longer confused with emotions or feelings. Im no longer as fearful avoidant as I was before January 14th. Im at peace. Finally able to actually build MYSELF UP. I made a whole fake identity from people I’ve met throughout my life. But now. I have myself. Im learning about myself every minute of the day. And i continue to fight wanting love. Im not a bad narcissist. Im vulnerable due to fearing my own caretakers. But also doing whatever in my own power to make THEM happy. No self love. I’ve learned my cycle and I will continue to stop it as I learn more and more about myself. Im self aware and I choose to stop it. Growing up I’d ask what is wrong with me why does the same shit happen over and over. 8 ish years later I found my answers. Every action I take as a narcissist is because of my caretakers. If you read this I want you to know theirs hope in narcissist but only if the narcissist comprehends what they have done and wants change. I am going to get certified as a life coach to help people like me who are lost and confused. Help many others but my meaning in life is a huge picture. Thank you for reading.

    • @karinteeples6517
      @karinteeples6517 2 роки тому +3

      This is fantastic! Thankyou for doing the work to do life in a functioning, non abusive way! You give me hope for my husband. 😀

    • @TheOGym
      @TheOGym 2 роки тому +2

      @@karinteeples6517 remember! He wasn’t born that way. It’s deep and sad but yes hope when you look through

    • @radmilakovacevic8556
      @radmilakovacevic8556 Рік тому +2

      Everyting the best

  • @rosamarialopezhermosa4590
    @rosamarialopezhermosa4590 4 роки тому +37

    Brilliantly described. Thank you!

  • @matthewclark7955
    @matthewclark7955 10 місяців тому +2

    Honestly one of the best videos ive seen. I struggle to express how useful this has been.

  • @ninarusic7639
    @ninarusic7639 4 роки тому +4

    Thank you for your existence!

  • @hackedaccount5116
    @hackedaccount5116 3 роки тому +22

    I have followed your channel since day 1. I really appreciate you Sam, you have taught me so much,(-I have a tendency to attract Narcs/“bad boys”. My psychologist thinks I’ve tried to receive the love and care I never received from my own father,( and I have a troubled past/an easy target I guess), but I’ve learned a lot, among other things that I’d rather fly solo than in bad company.
    I owe a lot to you, 🙏-thank you!! 😊 ✨🌹✨🌹✨

  • @monicaa78
    @monicaa78 2 роки тому +2

    This is the best explanation on the differences between narcissism and psychopathy. I am very grateful for such a distinction finally.

  • @camfrancisco
    @camfrancisco Рік тому

    Rewatching this one today, always learning more when I review these videos, thx Vaknin

  • @lauraf.e2788
    @lauraf.e2788 4 роки тому +14

    The depersonalization part was very interesting. My narcissist father (no, he won't fully admit he's a narcissist), describes it as "being very remote" from himself. Just very sad that nothing can seemingly be done.

    • @paulclinton6414
      @paulclinton6414 4 роки тому +3

      Narcs like that watch their own wicked actions from afar. They are able to watch their own cruelty unfold as if they are watching a movie, eatting popcorn, so entertained.

    • @lauraf.e2788
      @lauraf.e2788 4 роки тому +4

      @@paulclinton6414 you're right. Life through the lenses of a third person looking on. It's just horrific. NPD is devastating on every possible level. Can't help so got to stay far, far away.

  • @astrangeday3412
    @astrangeday3412 4 роки тому +13

    This is wonderful, Dr. Vaknin! Could you do a similar video on a cerebral, vulnerable, covert narcissist? Thank you for all that you do!

  • @fireinthewhole
    @fireinthewhole Рік тому +2

    Thanks for this video. I've tried to explain my ex with BPD to people who have never experienced it, and from now on I will just send them this video and tell them at which point to start watching.

  • @restlessgypsy3505
    @restlessgypsy3505 4 роки тому +2

    Loved that. Can see so much in the explanations.

  • @kaisander6180
    @kaisander6180 3 роки тому +4

    Great content! Yes it“s like that, I have experienced with my narcisstic father. A narcissist refers anything!!! to himself. They are not able to perceive other persons as individuals with their own values but you are just a mirror to them. Always. It“s scary and weird but it“s the truth. I asked myself if it“s more a neurobiological issue or the result of developmental-psychologically causes.

  • @danathomas3479
    @danathomas3479 Рік тому +4

    The more I listen to you, the more I realize that I am probably doing as well as I can be considering, I keep listening to become more like the person that I want to be. I have nothing to measure against because of my skewed upbringing. What I learned from you is, as long as I stay in reality and I am not going to drift off into crazy making behavior. It really doesn’t matter what it’s called or what mental issues I might have, as long as I like myself and I don’t hurt others… let the rest go. Enjoy life. Thank you for your help.

  • @paularhiaojeda9867
    @paularhiaojeda9867 Рік тому +1

    You are wonderful. I have read listen and also know your book many years a go. And you are one of the few professionals who explain it and helps widely.......thank you. You are a blessing.

  • @Marie-mg7zp
    @Marie-mg7zp 4 роки тому +2

    much gratitude for your transparency & offering hours of articulate and poignant clarity

    • @Marie-mg7zp
      @Marie-mg7zp 4 роки тому

      social media is cluster B playground!!

    • @samvaknin
      @samvaknin  4 роки тому

      samvak.tripod.com/journal67.html

  • @jamiecronin967
    @jamiecronin967 Рік тому +5

    Narcissistic men thrive in their alternate reality of social media. With filtered snap shots of women who - if they knew the narcissistic man - wouldn’t be interested. Yet the narcissistic man fancies himself too good for the wife he has. That’s why they cheat. Pathetic creatures. And so the narcissistic man loses that which he never appreciated and sadly never knew the difference. Chasing after an alternate reality fantasy.