They manipulate you, lie to you, rage at you, ignore you, and verbally abuse you. You try to help them, empathize with them, and seek to understand them. You forgive a thousand transgressions. Eventually you become worn down by their abuse and neglect. Your empathy for them wanes and you slowly stop loving them or even liking them. They then accuse you of being cold and unloving. They claim that you never loved them and that you mistreat them. They do not see that you did indeed love them FOR YEARS and that THEY ruined that! They do not recognize how hard you tried or how much you gave. They only thing they see is their own feelings, their own suffering, their own hurt. The most selfish and callous people in the world.
@@serenitythroughdiscoveryho8448 - do you identify that you're a Narcassist to your clients upon first meeting? I feel that you have a moral & ethical obligation to do so.
@@serenitythroughdiscoveryho8448 Not everyone who is a narcissist was abused - even if THEY think so. Some of the behavior can also be as a result of shared DNA of a narcissistic parent (or grandparent).
This is so relatable. "The narcissist rewrites history" is very true sadly. They will not take any responsibility or accountability for their actions, they just jump straight on the defensive with threats, or self pity and guilt trips. They live in their own deluded world.
yesss, Stacy they try so hard to inflict pain onto you, its so ridiculous, i have plenty family who are this way. But i stay to myself and rarely communicate with them, i can see the evil in there eyes piercing through my soul trying to get a reaction out of me.... smh
If you were truly with a narcissist as you say then YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS; YOU did nothing to deserve the treatment you received from the narcissist other than be their fixed target. From my own 21 year personal experience of mental and emotional abuse which included but was not limited to; emotional neglect at the hands of a female covert narcissist, I have come to realise and understand, they are the human equivalent of a Venus Fly Trap and we are the flys and unless we wake up sooner rather than later, then run the real and present danger of having serious psychological damage done to ourselves. In my case I was pushed to the very edge of a nervous breakdown the result of which is; Post Traumatic Anxiety Stress Disorder and hand tremors. I I have been unable to work since 2016 due to being unable to get through a job interview without going into uncontrollable full body shaking due to the stress of the situation. If YOU have not yet broken away from the narcissist that is abusing you, then whatever it takes, YOU must make that your number 1 priority. There is no white Knight coming to save you, YOU must do what I had to do; Leave and save yourself. You have the inner strength, YOU just need to find it and harness your GOD given power. I share loving compassion with you my friend. Be Well. Be Happy.
@@readoryx373 hi. Yes, you are absolutely right "it does take two to tango" however, based entirely on your comment I would say about YOU one of two things is probably true: 1) You have never had the personal experience of being in a relationship with a narcissist and therefore have no idea as to how destructive and toxic their personality truly is, or: 2) YOU are yourself a narcissist.
They even forget what they told you before and next time they are telling you same stories they change the whole thing. They can tell you same stories in 7 different versions
I am always surprised about this too. the act like they did not say or do what they said or did, even yesterday. And they are always innocent or a victim, and you caused their problem.
@@serious4701 you're right. I dealt with one for almost 8years. At a point I thought I was the one who's crazy. Everyone I tried to tell how she treated me thought I was lying cos she shows them a different side of her and to me she was a different person. She was a family member but until I got over her and cut her off totally then gradually every one started to know who she was and that was how she got exposed. I was so relived atleast they now understand I wasn't crazy all this while
I've met a lot of narcisists in my life, but not all of them were pathological liars. They are manipulative, professional gaslighters, condescending and tell lies to protect their false self BUT I feel like the mythomania is a comorbity because just 5 or 6 of the ones I met told absurd stories all the time changing the facts at will
@@gleiceokubo1091 @Gleice Okubo The bizarre phenomenon is that they all do the same thing. They tell themselves a story, believe it, and then try to convince you that it is true or manipulate you until you believe it too. Maybe somewhere in the cosmos they were birthed by the same source?
@@serious4701 yes, I agree. But I see a difference between the two types I described. I met the type that lies to their benefit and the type that is addicted to lying, lies through their teeth every single second and doesn't even bother to try to make any sense. Like "oh, yesterday I had cancer!" You know?
There is a heightened level of intelligence required to comprehend this. It’s sad to say but I can see a lot of people are in jail from possibly harming a narcissist. This is enough to drive you to the edge. Literally, how invasive someone can be towards your thoughts and cross boundaries over and over again
@@oxwellstoer5318 i feel like when anything like this becomes commly consumed knowledge, the entire concept will be distorted by its perpetrators (like a shape shifting virus) and by human error(aka stupidity). You can't really teach it. You can only appropriate the experience of it to academic sterility.
It makes you doubt yourself....because most people can’t register the levels of ignorance....lies and relentlessness these evil manipulative parasites go threw to drive you crazy for self amusement! What the scariest aspect imo is how these people can’t put themselves in a persons shoes to understand empathy....as kids we tend to learn from our mistakes whether you made someone upset or regretted certain actions that effected other people somehow...guilt?!? Narcissistic people in wars with the average people in society have a major advantage from the start due to the fact they live this life and feed off of it ...while the other people are questioning themselves over and over because they’ve entered a world they don’t have a clue about! My story is way too long to get into on here....let’s just say I have been searching for 6 years on the internet for any help....I’m yet to come across anything even close to my situation! I feel for anyone dealing with this....I happen to live across the street from the most evil family that I personally could have ever imagined 🤷🏻♂️ I have a Facebook page just to expose this woman...if you’re curious by any chance to witness what I deal with I suggest you check it out✨
I’m 25 yrs into my marriage n literally just learned I’m w a narc.. I’m a shell of who I was, always trying to forgive or try to understand where he was coming from.. the verbal battles we would have w the “ bob and weave” techniques to change the topic, cast blame, avoid the issue, multiple explanations w no real explanation at the same time, the “ I dont recall that” technique, the hamster wheel of verbal bullshit ... I’m Exhausted.. 3 times w drug issues, one year infidelity/affair w phone sex worker n now we are into Hgh, testosterone and sports cars... I’m duct taped to his cart on the roller coaster he keeps promises he will stop ... energy vampire n promise breaker... no empathy.. stares right through me as I weep w out even a hand on my shoulder... I am leaving him ... asked for a divorce last night... no more.. how did I get here? I’m so much smarter than this... Every single technique u mentioned is my husband.. I’m sitting here w my jaw on the floor.. ty for such great explanations .. I might actually get out of this nightmare 😉
I'm divorcing right now as well. Feels so good. Best decision I've made in a long time. I take care of myself and am so much more fulfilled in my daily life.
I'm going through a divorce with a narc. Like you I only learned my wife is a narc upon our separation. I still doubt my worth, potential, abilities, and so on.. Also like you I have had my different stages of a narc toxicity. I wish you the best, and pray you will be able to free yourself of your mental and emotional solitary confinement your narc has you in..
Sam Vaknin woke me up too. It was years ago, but a few years later I fell for another narc. That’s the thing you really need to try to figure out. I truly thought I would never end up with a narc again. This is YOUR life and you deserve to enjoy it. 💖
Dr. Ramani has a channel on here, and she's helped me figure out why I am such a narc magnet. I've been where you are, and I hope you will focus, and power through. Life is so much better on the other side. I promise. My ex raged, and raged. It was terrifying. I planned my exit, and did NOT tell him where I was going. I was still terrified. But here I am, and I'm so happy. I watch narc videos to help me understand narcs, and it's really helping me heal. You're going to have a lot of ptsd, but you will get through this. I have a college degree, and a 25 year career in publishing, smart has nothing to do with how manipulative these people are. Be wary of very charming people. ;)
I once asked the Malignant Narcissist, "Why do you hate me and your family?" The response was a blank stare, no words, just silence. That shook me to my core. You explain their emptiness very well. Thank you.
my partner often seems to never want to answer (ignores or idk, doesn’t respond to my emotions or feelings, same cold, empty, blank silent stare). he knows he is this way because i have unmasked this years ago, but he ran and i let him back in and now he has no where to hide but continues to mask with lies, denial, after already admitting everything i’ve ever said about him i was ACTUALLY NOT just “saying just to say” because the people in these videos say exactly the same things i have tried getting through their head on a daily basis.
My sister in law looks at me like a doll. She has blank eyes. Her kids are screwed. My brother protected her for way too long she’s destroyed his life but he can get out. Her kids can’t. It’s discusting. I had no idea people like this existed when I was young.
"Usurping the victim-role is a surefire sign that the narcissist or psychopath has done something truly rotten, or truly dangerous. When the narcissist goes all out on the offensive, you know he did something really, really bad." Thank you for this and whole video, so much information to learn from.
I got a chuckle when I saw the Mickey Mouse mug. A narcissist was my first boyfriend and first and only husband. He walked out on me and 7 children and he did me a favor. I blamed LL his behavior on his alcoholism, but I now know it was mostly narcissism. I’m alone now and a great grandma, and my life is one of contentment. It took decades to reconstruct my life, but it was worth it
@@Truevitz yes! It’s just good to let them go. These narcissists are already living a life of hell. It’s good to engage in curses and all. Just heal and get yourself back! Nothing is more beautiful than.
So true. I am a hairstylist for over 30 years. I have met many women that are with abusive men with narcissistic traits. When they stay with the abuser, they become abusive. Why?He treats them better when she treats him badly. He becomes the victim for a while. They keep trading places with being victim and abuser. She become addicted to the disfunction. Usually this life mimics her childhood.
I heard we have romantic relationships / marriages with people that have the same dysfunctions as our mother or father. And the cycles continue intergenerationally.
Sadistic and masochistic! They feel less lonely when they can interact with petty people. The world makes more sense to them when people are like them.
@@cheekibreeki4492 - a good video on this is by School of Life channel, called "Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person". It explains why childhood imprinting is the number one predictor of what sort of person you will find most attractive.
@@meagiesmuse2334 The school of life channel is deeply flawed and should never be considered a great source of knowledge. Plenty of articles, videos and the like break down why that is. Yes of course they get a thing or two right but my word they offer some absolutely horrifying advice. Take any of what you learn there with a spoonful of salt and extra research and I hope you are having a good day and continue doing so! :)
@@Elegant_Sausage - This certainly may be true in some cases, but this particular video agrees with what Barbette says above, which is why I posted it. It also agrees with what I've experienced personally and as a former therapist, so I would still recommend it, and let people decide for themselves if it resonates or not. I wish you a good day also!
Extremely confusing if you have not witnessed this yourself. Sam is telling you the truth. He is very detailed in the mind of Psychopath Narcissist, BPD, NPD & Malignant Narcassist. It's a viscous cycle of massive confusion back & forth of different personalities. When you have figured them out they all play the victim and say your loosing your mind. The pathological lies are mind blowing & they do it with a straight face.
So true, unending monologues. Face to face or on phone. If you start to reply, their quick to interrupt you. Because they can't listen to anyone else between their endless ramblings. But still so needy for you as audience, sometimes desperate.
Im really in a annoying draining situation, Like other's because of marriage and or kids. I have Children with this man and he be on some next Level mess. I believe he's never happy satisfied nor thankful. he doesn't Like that he pays support, minus helping structure raise boys. When something i dnt Like i just express and tell him. He goes into that's not important to focus on and people are negative, he needs wants some one to make him a better people. What
@@aleksik4028 Yes we are not together but all of a sudden he comes hanging around when he says hes single but wants the benefit of a relationship. With out saying that. He is blaming me because of money and that his Grandmother and fathers house needs to be sold. Now after staying with this one that one he out of count at the moment. Im no pit stop or Layaway btch smh! P.S Thanks for Liking and commenting keep Lifting Up ☺😊
Hello Aleksi K, I agree with you. Long monologues face to face and on phone almost every time.I am trying not to responde and not listen to him. Now, 3 hours monologues he adress to our son. I do not know what to do.Helpless!
That secret speech... I confronted my best friend about that. She finds ways to ask me to do her favors without asking. Then says I have my own free will, but when I don’t agree with Some idea she pitches, the tension in our apartment is thick enough to cut with a knife. She will never get anything out of me again
I would always do the thing because it was less tension ( they would continue on and on about it) then resentment towards myself and them that would eventually blow. If this is you as well it may be best to make other arrangements
You can feel when people care even if they “covertly” don’t care you can just feel if people genuinely care or if it’s a facade.. which makes your perception valid with no need to elaborate
I needed to hear this. I thought it was just misunderstanding - that I wasn't explaining or communicating clearly. But every point you made, I was shocked at how much it described the person I'm having these issues with. I'm not imagining things, I'm not being too sensitive - you are breaking down exactly what is happening and I finally understand. Thank you. This has helped tremendously.
The representative. The narcissism persona. Met him 10 years ago. Married a year later. Now divorcing. Alive. Recovering. Healing. Acknowledging my tendencies. My mental issues. My solutions. Came close to broken, but something deep inside me dodged that bullet.
We would go out and she would scan the room for the tallest best looking and stare at him! 30 seconds is ok but 3 minutes and she didn't blink. I always felt like I was in the way. Im gutted but healing now. She told me about her many 3 month relationships. I stuck it out 3 years to be her longest monogomous ( I think) relationship. She is 51 with two kids. One is ok the other lives under the stairs and is injured beyond repair. So sad I hung on so long. When you can see the pain and they can't its pretty easy to say they don't want you telling them.
When you understand the riddles, they are trying to turn you insane for figuring them out. Why do I attract these people... working my way into independence so the barrage diminishes.
@@blessedabyss165 - I had no clue about the types of Narcassism, other than the loud, showy Overt type. One night, I Iiterally stumbled up Dr. Les Carter's site on UA-cam, called 'Surviving Narcassism' & it was a game changer. I was 100% clueless as to: Love Bombing, Gaslighting, Projection, Rages & the Silent Treatment, etc., until that fateful night. Drs. Carter & Ramani are 100% focused on Narcassistoc Abuse. ( Dr. Ramani is my #2 go-to) Others are interesting at times... but for real help & understanding, these 2 will educate you in a calm, intelligent way. Wishing you much luck & peace.
Isn't it Interesting that so many therapists and others say these people are rooted in shame and guilt, when their behavior shows opposite. These words seem to be something they use to excuse and further control, manipulate and abuse.
They hate when you hold the “proverbial mirror” up to their core being and expose who they really are. They hate accountability and shining a light on their dark and evil deeds.
No, they don't lack shame. They lack the ability to deal with shame ie shame repair. Their disorder is an attempt to deal with shame without actually dealing with it
Evert time I listen to you I receive more validation that I was not the crazy one. However, I behaved a little crazy sometimes because he pushed me constantly. I've been out of it for 24 years but only recently realized what actually happened. This makes it very clear that he is covert. Through the years I would sometimes feel guilty about the way things ended, but now I know it ended exactly the way he wanted it to so that he could be a victim.
I regret loosing my cool with him… but I was in such pain and so angry I thought if I lashed out at him maybe he would get how bad he was hurting me, but now I learn that they have no feelings so it literally doesn’t matter how much you try and explain or try to make them see the consequences of their behavior they just don’t get it 🤦🏾♀️
And there is the answer to why, he got stuck at the adolescent phase 9f attracting a mate this us well documented, Sam would know more of this as its in his book
This video is so jam-packed with information that I had to rewatch it a couple of times and take detailed notes. No other Narcissism resource compares to this video - it makes you feel like how you feel after receiving CPR certification. Thank you Professor Vaknin, I really appreciate your hard work!
When Gabby Petito grabbed the water bottles the police offered, and Brian then REFUSED them saying offhand that he didn't believe in plastic water bottles, he was invisibly rebuking Gabby. And he was also engaging in transferring his narcissism to her; he called her "mean". And she called her own behavior "mean" even though all she wanted was some time to do her work. He was grooming her to become "mean".
I've known my share of narcissist's throughout my life and have fallen into that rabbit hole in dark points in my life. They aren't all bad but you have to understand boundaries with them. Sensitive people have to set boundaries to not get sucked into the fantasies of these people, which can be a hard thing when you want to be there for others. My advice to sensitive types is to just be careful and know you are loved and don't have to associate yourself with these people if you find it too much 💖.
@@UnderPresser So you have no duality in yourself? No past dark thoughts? Selfish desiring ones? We all have the propensity to fall from high. Hubris and blind zeal are such places to fall.
We all have a dualtiy within ourselves, yes. But we should not forget-nor use as an excuse for our attitude or behavior-that one of those sides will usually be the one which shines through far, far more than the other. Duality is not equality. There are two dogs in us, one evil, one good. Every day they fight for influence over our souls. The dog that wins is the one we feed more. Narcissists ARE the black dog, they do not have that good dog in them. And what they feed that one dog are their perceived scraps of their victim's egos.
@@UnderPresser If all have good or bad in them, then there is always a redemption story. Do "they" not deserve a chance? You say they don't have a "good dog" in them but say everyone has two dogs. Have you thought maybe you can't see that good dog like the blind can't see color? Best not to judge because things work in ways that are so complex as to cause madness if let. I don't claim you should associate yourself with them. That is left to those who can. Best not to box others into a corner. For a cornered dog is dangerous. Be kind.
I have been married for 40+ years, out of those years 20 he did not speak, yet his attitude, anger, victimization and contempt said much more than words. I am in a divorce process that I initiated. Now my three children are professionals and have their own family. Thanks Dr. Vacnin you, unlike my husband's communication, you use clear and precise language's words.
It's crazy how they can keep up they're rolleplay for years. Mine barely spoke for 4years.. mostly just to agree with me.. I vehemently believed we'd grow old together 😆. Nearly 12 year in and been in and out of denial about this personality disorder. It's about 6 months of endlessly looking through content. This man here has single handedly ended my battle. I believe! My fight is over!!! I can stop! I feel some peace that I'm not crazy.
I was in a marriage with a narcissist for 35 years. Coming from a dysfunctional family myself I gave my narc the benefit of the doubt - hey, everyone is a bit broken - aren't they? I ignored all the red flags, serial affairs because I was scared of abandonment. As soon as he found a new, stable source of narcissistic supply he discarded me. I was then forced to confront my fears and issues with a counsellor. What I found out was horrific! It was like coming out of a daze, or discovering a Matrix-like actuality that I had never confronted before. It took my breath away. To find out that your husband is actually some kind of alien posing as a man; gutless, manipulative, basically hollow inside - I couldn't unsee it! I marvelled at my own folly in being taken in. I am coming to the end of my 'prison sentence' . As a result I am having nightmares, memory lapses and general disorientation which must be to do with the necessary adjustment of the mind to this new reality. I hope it settles down and I can reclaim some kind of sanity! Good luck to all of you who are suffering. Prof. Vaknin is brave to expose all his own faults like this as I presume he is describing himself. He has also described my husband so accurately its like he has met him.
I have 27yrs, in the same boat. As much as I miss the person I thought I knew, I REFUSE to go backwards...I wasted enough time on an illusion, and deserve so much more than he ever gave. Good look....you are worth it!❤️
I have a phrase in my head that will stay with me forever I was a Health Professional in NHS U.K. After 12 years I called the police and was then in a Women’s Aid Refuge for 41/2mths I told my support worker that I felt stupid for putting up with the abuse for so long Her response “you had to be emotionally ready”
Narcissists create other narcissists so be very careful you may be away from them now, but soon those you love may see you the same way you saw them.... It's mostly because with the narcissist you end up having to fight fire with fire... Think about using water !!!!
I couldn't agree more, I became so good at these games, now I need to unlearn them. It's not worth it, even if it gives some satisfaction to beat them with their own munition and directly to their most vulnerable spot but still better just turn and walk away.
Notes: - ... "Palindromic speech is any kind of statement about facts or inner mental state that intentionally (often) or inadvertently (rare) creates confusion and disorientation in the listener. Gaslighting and lying are examples of crass and malicious palindromic speech acts. Confabulation and "word salad" (illogical, incoherent discourse) are benign variants intended to bridge dissociative gaps in memory or to buttress grandiosity." - Palindromic speech makes use of various semantic devices (i.e. the choice of words and their structure). During communication with their interlocuter, the narcissist makes use of an 'envelope message' (outwardly discernable) and a 'hidden message'; the hidden message can be identified via the following which can serve as warning signs: 1) Use of indefinite pronouns or modifiers (i.e. not clarifying other parts of their speech - e.g. this, that, either, some, any, both, each, every) 2) If you demand truth and/or accountability, you can safely assume: confabulation, reframing and outright lying; this is done (partly) to cover up the narcissist's pervasive dissociation. 3) When the narcissist expostulates (protests) on their motivation for doing something, or recounts what had happened between you and them, they: 3a) are wrong; reframing to justify their behaviour or to justify his misbehaviour/restore ego syntony 3b) are lying out of self-interest 3c) have dissociated gaps they are trying to bridge with a confabulation (i.e. what makes sense to them) "NEVER TRUST WHAT THE NARCISSIST SAYS; DO NOT LET THEIR GASLIGHTING UNDERMINE YOUR TRUST IN YOUR SENSES - YOUR JUDGEMENT, YOUR OBSERVATIONS, YOUR MEMORIES, YOUR IDENTITY, AND YOUR COMMON SENSE. DO NOT LET THE NARCISSIST CLUB YOU ON THE HEAD AND WAKE UP IN THEIR PLATONIC CAVE OF SHADOWS OF AN ALTERNATIVE REALITY." (Palindromic speech could entail the following...) - Equivocal speech (purposeful vagueness); this is passive aggressioin masquerading as civility, good-manners and formality; but underneath the surface there is enmity, hostility, hatred and the wish to destroy the frustrating object. The recipient can pick up on this passivity (or occult message) which makes them questions this empathically percieved hatred and it unsettles them and their view of the world. - Manipulativeness and coercision via provocation. "The narcissist is a puppet master and his hidden messages convert you into a marionette". They render their victim invisible and transparent, which threatens the victim's mental survival. The narcissist malingers, delays, procrastinates and postpones endlessly which wears down their victim [this is passive aggression] - e.g. they promise to promise and it never happens. Some narcissists procrastinate out of perfectionism; whereas, for most narcissists, it is done to frustrate the victim - it is a "transformation of aggression". "Narcissists are professional forgetters" ... "neglect, forgetfulness, procrastination and truancy are the four horses of the narcissistic apocalypse - intended to inflict armageddon." - e.g. there is intentional inefficiency, stubborness, pseudo-stupidity, and outright sabotage. - Contextual drift & subterranean speech. By changing the context of the conversation they change the message and the reality testing; they reframe the whole conversation as you're listening and you are left wondering, "how did I get here?". - Hypothetical speech to "test the waters" - i.e. how would you react if they converted their vague sentences to certainties? (e.g. via the use of 'maybe' for plausible deniability, or the use of 'just saying' at the end of some (passive aggressive) sentence). - Manipulative speech; goal oriented utterances intended to impress and/or for the acquirement of some goal - not to communicate. The narcissist assigns roles by misinterpretting (very often deliberately) intentions and motivations. Some narcissists are paranoids - this speech is very common for them. They have the conspiracism psychological trait. There are 3 types of manipulative speech: 1) Victim speech (entitled, demanding, dependent, whining (grievances/grudges), transparent) - engaged in by codependents, borderlines, and naricissists ; 2) Child speech (entitled, demanding, dependent, naive, immature, fantastic) engaged in by narcissists ; 3) Psychopathic (entitled, envious, competitive, malicious, opaque, coded, dense, multi-layered) engaged in by psychopaths(/histrionics?). - Post hoc ergo propter hoc which takes advantage of the base rate [cognitive bias] fallacy - i.e. the belief that people are good and assumption of their postulations as true without verification/validation. - Narcissists lecture; they never talk. They seek to impress; they never communicate - they actively ignore other people's input. The narcissist is so invested in extracting supply from their interlocutor(s) and dazzling them that he is oblivious to his own body language, interjections, or to the environment at large. - "Big picture evasiveness". Narcissists are concerned only with strategy, never with tactics; they lay out the big picture in synoptic terms, leaving others to fill out their gaps and glaring inconsistencies. Any attempt to involve the narcissist in the minutae of decision making and the give and take of human endeavour is percieved by the narcissist as coercision - a humilitating, ill-intentioned and deliberate challenge to his grandiose self-perception. - "Alloplastic defensese and shifting the blame". Both narcissists and psycopaths are never fully responsible or accountable; they never own their misconduct - i.e. they will make some excuse (narcissist/psycopath?), or adopt the "theory of just desserts" (psycopath?). E.g. "a man has to do what a man has to do", or "it is just the way of the world". - Passive aggressive gaslighting is an abusive speech act. The narcissist claims to have done nothing wrong; their misconduct is a result of some difference of culture or [your] old fashioned-ness; "why does the victim keep harping on?". Things just happen only to them - they are the (only) passive recipients of fate, destiny, institutions, other people, etc. - "Alloplastic defence with an external locus of control". The narcissist shifts the blame and guilt-trips - e.g. he was some gullible victim. - Harvey Clackley [sic?], "Actions and behaviours are the psycopath's only true forms of communications" and they are the narcissist's language. Ignore what they say, observe only what they do. - "The narcissist or the borderline honestly and firmly believe that they are true, and [their] confabulations have the power of memories - they appear to [them to] be objective and authentic. They are always very likely, very plausible and even highly probable." .. "The confabulation allows everyone involved to negate and efficaciously ignore a paiunful reality, or an uncomfortable alternative scenario or set of facts." (i.e. it affords them succour and peace of mind) ... "Having entered their alternative universe the victim of the cluster B filters out all countervailing information and contradictory facts or possibilites". - (Summa summarum) There is no reasoning with the mentally ill; they cannot be reasoned with or analysed with any rationality. This is because they are capable of paradoxical thinking (&) hyper flexibility - i.e. harbouring opposing, dissonant and contradictory cognitions at the same time. They can feel two conflicting emotions at the same time; Bateson [sic?] called it the "double" bind & Laing [sic?] called it the "incompatible knot". The speech acts and decisions of mentally ill people need to be deconstructed, not simply observed. The mentally ill person's meandering along the conflicting path of their psyche (i.e. fragmentation of the alienated self, and cathecting of internal objects) may relate to what Giddens [sic] called "ontological security". - The cluster B person possesses an empty schizoid core (and can be manifested via 3 primary modes): 1) Labile and dysregulated whims or their moods or emotions, 2) They are no longer with us; they are steeped in delusions of grandeur with fantastic landscapes - i.e. a pseudo-psychotic, impaired reality testany cases) 3) They are lying through their teeth, so why bother? - So, it is best to use a trustworthy & competent third party interpreter/intermediate when communicating with the cluster B person. This intermediary person will be (more) capable of seeing through the miasma the cluster B person has formed with you, and can communicate directly for you.
Thank you so much for this. I'm being bothered by a narcissist who is trying very hard to bait me into a battle and this video is steeling my resolve to not let her trigger me. Again, thank you.
@@Alaska-sd4nl I know this. I actually did quit my job to avoid having to encounter this woman, but she also lives in the same townhome complex as I do. Fortunately, she lives on the other side and I rarely see her, but she did slash my tires a couple of months ago. I think she has already moved on to someone else, but I can never relax.
I have wondered what went on in a narcissistic's mind. Thank you. Now I get my Mother. My favorite (Father's quote)"If Her lips are moving, she's lying." Wish he had explained it better back at 6 yrs of age. Took a lot of exploring the misinformed minds of the narcissistic public/citizens to know that the 🌎 is in trouble from the lack of coincidence & empathy. The percentage of narcissistics has been truly underestimated. Watch your back!
Amazing and helpful as always! Also thank you for telling everyone that true meaning of word salad. I work in mental health and this misuse drives me crazy.
I know someone who fits this description and has everyone but me fooled. He even told me about how he thinks when we got along, then........ we had a falling out. A 10 year smear campaign started, everyday these hidden messages in his words directed straight at me. No one believed me and probably still don't. I finally quit that job, but my life is in ruins. No job, no friends, can't trust anyone, social anxiety from the constant humiliation I experienced. This isn't a oh poor me statement because I'm stronger than that but this comes as a warning to everyone to get the hell out if you see the warning signs. This is real and it can ruin your life.
The narcissist I got free from taught me "actions speak louder than words" is a lie. It's as I got wise to her tricks that I began to notice her true motivations, the actions she took when she thought I was too stupid to get it because I'd chosen to play extra dumb.
my borderline partner was provoking me to scream at her by doing/saying horrible things to me. and when I was going crazy she become very calm and kind and even happy sometimes. I thought this provocation was a kind of cure for her and she was waiting for these negative emotions from me to make her calm and happy. now I know why she was doing this. I was in an abusive relationship with her for 7 years, but her friend's circle (if I can call them friends, she has no true friends because she is not able to handle any kind of relationship in general) knew what I was abusing her (!) and they blocked me on social media. for them I will be abuser, but they never found out the true. they will never find out that I have PTSD after relationships with this person, that I was in police trying to find help when I was stalked my her. thank you, Sam!
Hearing this particular tape made me remember the painful years I was invisible like to my husband and when I tried to explain to my oldest son why I felt not belonging, I could not find feelings's words that would make sense and explained how I feel in my own home!! Thanks again Dr.Vicnin
Very interesting as I thought my ex narc and I had a "connection" but I was just staring to unravel and see through the "game" that I honestly didn't know I was playing. Everything you said I've experienced. It's slightly scary how prophetic Vaknin is.
You are absolutely right. I could share the text messages that he's written that from the outside it looks okay. Nice almost. But as you dig in you realize it's a message specific to you with all the vile and hatred he pulls from things you shared in a vulnerable moment. Trusting him. He saved that information to destroy you to the core.
Push, push, poke, prod... For hours or days or years, until you snap at them. Then they flop like Tim Duncan, and use it as an excuse for any abuse levied at you. If you're sad, they're pleased. If you're happy, they're made furious.
The GOAT of all Narcissists videos and lessons online. Great combinations of psychological terms with real life conversations/confusion from Narcissists.
This is the first time someone has perfectly described the situation between me and my covert narcissist husband--the most passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive person I have ever seen. Thank you for bringing some clarity and understanding.
I respect people that are genuine and honest. I’ve come to realize that many like reality sugar coated; they don’t want to take accountability for wrongdoing, and count on others not verbalizing their misdeeds.
My ex often made derogatory comments just below the clearly audible range and -- when I asked him what he had said (because I could hear enough of it to know it was an insult) -- he would say "I was talking to myself" and then walk away.
My ex wouldn’t even bother saying his insults/comments quietly. He would talk like he was talking to someone else about me, but I was the only other person in the room. Things like “I can’t believe she did that” or “There she goes again”. After a while I asked him why he talked about me in the third person when I was right there, and he also said he was talking to himself. It’s clearly a tactic to undermine you or make you invisible.
Oh my partner did that to me so often! So frustrating. I waited for him to be "nice" for nearly 15 years (he wasn't). He also faced away when I spoke to him...and sneered when he spoke to me. I cannot understand why he was so annoyed when I finally came to my senses and left!
@smalltcreations Thank you for writing that. It was very validating to read that someone else has had the same experience. My mother did that to me for my entire childhood. It was unreal. I literally have no idea how many times it happened. My impression is that it was daily or weekly, and always when we were alone together, like in the car.
Yes they twist it like they are the victim and you are somehow the abuser. I.e. he said to me once “is this what marriage is going to be like” over me not getting him a bowl of ice cream. Really? But somehow it did made me feel one of the guiltiest of all my life.
Omg absolutely spot on! I’ve watch many videos and you are the only one who’s brought this up! You have to be in a narcissistic relationship to understand this! Thank you
The part where he says something like .. "there is no point in trying to analyze, understand, comprehend, retro dig, predict these types of personality's is pointless" because they have no stability no stable core and in many respects don't exist... WOW that is mind blowing and liberating. I have spent so many years doing all that trying to analyze, understand and the rest of that list he mentions and it suxed and still does. It is a hard lesson but a lesson that frees you from the grips of the question most ask.. "why". No answer will ever be enough to justify the abuse they put us thru. I learned to stop asking the question and I understood that I would never understand but I didn't know why and he just said it : they don't have a stable core, they are empty.
This is the most in-depth, honest, complete information on narcissistic speech I have heard so far in the 10 years since I “abandoned “ my 22 year marriage to a narcissist. After all their speech is really all that they are….just saying😉. Thank you for the education and emotional relief.
I can’t help to feel bad for my ex husband, I truly do. I have no hate for him at this point It must be hell to have this disorder I knew something was off but didn’t know what, thanks doc. Though I left him I didn’t want to, but these videos safer my life. I’m reconstructing myself after 25 years of being with him. He believed all the fantasies and lies he tells himself He has no choice, I understand him now more than ever. I would have stayed but he completely broke me… he hoovered me for 3 years till two weeks ago New supply and he completely blocked me. We have children together and he initiated no contact.
Best most informative and life saving video you have ever made hands down Thank you I needed this to help navigate thru the ending of a 16 yr abusive marriage that left me feeling confused defeated and lost
Me 23 years! (slow learner) yes my ex gave me a lots of names, one of them is “slow” referring to my ability to pick up! as he has lots of games too and he was relentless in punishing me for not playing his games and he is also very vindictive! But remember, a loss is not forever! And I’ve escaped and will be forever away from him! My sure win! The last laugh is mine! And I begin to see more light now that i am out of that cold, stinky dungeon he put me in. It was dark in there , too dark and confusing you won’t know which way is out and which way leads you into more into darkness! I am so glad to be out and see the lights again and appreciate each day I live! I’m glad to be able to find and watch Prof. Sam Vaknim! He helped me find words to describe what I’ve been through. . .
This was so helpful to understand my feelings. I have focused so much on his words, and did not give his actions any weight because he justified them with his words (at my expense).
You describe my life with my ex so precisely. He was the calm and controlled one and I was outrageous. He seemed to enjoy me being like that. It took a long time before I understood and to learn about cluster b disorders is key to heal yourself.
This was so professional, educational and true! Truth tellers are not liked whatsoever! I got chills several times listening to this, but thank you for explaining the futile and draining experience of rational intelligent communication with cluster B’s. Thank you 😊
Normies dont like the truth either and if one alerts thenormies to the cluster Bs the normies condemn the truth teller as though they'd done bad, wrong and gone crazy all at once.
If I wasn't already subscribed I would right now after hearing your story on the word bombing. Very authentic of you. I have had to go along and play dumb more times than I can remember. It sucks knowing something and not caring and having to deal with someone who doesn't know and wants to seem smart tell you something you already know, make up something to go along it and get mad at you when you know more on the subject than them then proceed to start a fight calling you dumb and stupid...
What happens to a society that coddles and encourages the narcissist and psychopaths of entitlement and aggression by a group towards another group . I feel like they become more dangerous to society. I'm right aren't i?
Thank you Dr Sam on one more masterpiece on this subject. This is fascinating information. I liked the summary that ultimately their words don’t matter & we should focus on their action and behaviour and not their intention or promises or confabulation I think this is true for all interpersonal relationships and not only for cluster B Pers Disorder. Very informative. Thank you so much...
Yes. And I believe all African-Americans are kind of cluster B / Borderlines who disassociate because of this abusive relationship with the government. Maybe not literally, but as a collective consciousness
@@ComptonWar idk maybe. Many do seem pretty aware. Not taking the shots because they know all too well about the experiments that were done on their people (even very recently). Many are also quite anti social justice stuff, seeing the way it is dividing people. I know nothing about the actual percentages of African Americans being 'awake' (so to speak) as I am not from the US. But here it is such a diverse group with all kinds of backgrounds and labels. There is just something in certain people that sceams freedom and peace. I don't know exactly what it is but seeing so many different people unite, makes me happy!! Don't be discouraged, dear soul. Nobody is unreachable to us, unless their eyes are in the forever shut. 🙏🏼
Most governments. They lie, kill, steal, abuse, fear, chaos, divide, gasslight and stealing our time, energy and joy in life! Now we have the Covid Control System with QR Code Passports! Online no privacy. Etc etc Needed?: Awakening
Thank you for transcribing your videos 💕 my ex has bpd and I've seen him split often when he was stuck between two worlds. One was with me and the other was with the other women he had a double life with for 3.5 years of our relationship. He was engaged to both of us. Still trying desperately to understand it so I can process my trauma. I have my own issues as I trauma bonded with him in the end of our abusive relationship. I feel immense guilt for staying and re-traumatizing myself. The definitions of bpd don't do it justice. I couldn't quite understand it till now as I seen narcissistic traits and antisocial-personality traits in him once my eyes were open and the cloud of ignorance dissipated. Lately its just been the narcissistic and entitlement I'm experiencing since we have an lo together. I often felt crazy and defiant trying to assert some kind of assemblance of control over my life again. Your knowledge and understanding is by far a source of comfort for me so, thank you
Prof. Sam Vaknin your speech, and your descriptive word choices, are exquisite! Rarely have I heard such coherent in-depth speech, except perhaps from Jeff Daniels in the Newsroom, but his was memorized.
Thank you, Professor, for your clarity. I was about to go on medication, thinking it’s all in my head. The double meaning of things. I’m so great full for you and your Chanel ;)
I myself have had these persons in my life. Through knowledgement , help I now can spot a narcissists. My daughter and my sister are both cought up in relationships with a narcissist. I have sent them ur video, the best explainasion of this dangerous behavior. It takes a very strong willingness to survive, to pull away from these personalities. To leave , let go of ur illusion about them and recognize u must survive them. U CAN NOT CHANGE THEM, ONLY URSELF.
Time slot 15:56 to 20:23 is so on point. This has been my exact experience with the Narc. They will sabotage your business even if it results in them sabotaging themselves also.
@@rachelw6237 Um. No. They were trying to sabotage her. If not, why all the ugliness towards her? I mean really. What did she do “wrong” besides marry into his family? I mean.. what’s wrong with accepting a marriage proposal?... oh. Yeah. She’s a black woman -“of color” and he’s a white prince who has money and privilege. Lots of wealthy black men are married to plain ordinary white womenfolk. But you don’t see their extended families trotting around looking for 15 minutes of fame, and trying to ride coattails like meghans white family members did ...😒 To include: An empathetic persons, or people don’t go around attacking others and making racist/insensitive comments and carrying out bullying. 🙄😒😒
Coming out of a 23 Year marriage… I literally thought I was the crazy one…. Everyone here is saying the same things that I experienced… and this wonderful amazing doctor was explaining my now ex husband to a T…you can’t help but to feel sorry for these kind of people… it’s tragic to have to live this way.
The best video ... thank you doctor... as I was watching I felt my muscles relief ... I can't even describe how your words accurately described the situation I am in ... I couldn't put it in words myself... just anxiety confusion and frustration ... now I am seeing thing more clearly ... thank you🙏🏻🙏🏻❤❤❤
the hidden message is felt anyway. He was short-circuiting my brain with his language. many times I thought I was crazy. If I told someone else about the situation, they would not understand me. sorry my writing, I'm from Argentina, I don't know English.
Thank you🏆 I love your work .must be utterly exhausted explaining the corridors tunnels mirrors detours fog & trap doors these empty personality voids (back holes )project Thank you
They manipulate you, lie to you, rage at you, ignore you, and verbally abuse you. You try to help them, empathize with them, and seek to understand them. You forgive a thousand transgressions. Eventually you become worn down by their abuse and neglect. Your empathy for them wanes and you slowly stop loving them or even liking them. They then accuse you of being cold and unloving. They claim that you never loved them and that you mistreat them. They do not see that you did indeed love them FOR YEARS and that THEY ruined that! They do not recognize how hard you tried or how much you gave. They only thing they see is their own feelings, their own suffering, their own hurt. The most selfish and callous people in the world.
EXAAAACTLLLLY !!!
Theres is nothing more correct than what you just said..
Nailed it!
Super accurate. I was destroyed emotionally and trying to heal by bleeding..
Yep. They are blind to their own arrogant bully behavior towards others.
Narcissists don't see people, they see opportunities.
No lie told.
@@serenitythroughdiscoveryho8448 - do you identify that you're a Narcassist to your clients upon first meeting? I feel that you have a moral & ethical obligation to do so.
@Sarah Silva - Bingo! 👏👏👏
@@carriedillmann4455 - yaaay you! I can't wait to do the same.
@@serenitythroughdiscoveryho8448 Not everyone who is a narcissist was abused - even if THEY think so. Some of the behavior can also be as a result of shared DNA of a narcissistic parent (or grandparent).
This is so relatable. "The narcissist rewrites history" is very true sadly. They will not take any responsibility or accountability for their actions, they just jump straight on the defensive with threats, or self pity and guilt trips. They live in their own deluded world.
Sounds like my mom
Beverly, so very True!
I hate em
v bbn ì
Spoilt brats
Life is paradise when you let them go. Them discarding your is ALWAYS a blessing in disguise
This impacted me positively 🙏
Im so sad to read about everyone's pain. It makes me cry, but it confirms I'm not crazy. 😢😢
After ten years with a narcissist, I am laughing hysterically at how glaringly accurate this description is to me now!
yesss, Stacy they try so hard to inflict pain onto you, its so ridiculous, i have plenty family who are this way. But i stay to myself and rarely communicate with them, i can see the evil in there eyes piercing through my soul trying to get a reaction out of me.... smh
.me tooooo
😔👌yes , so true . He is so accurate.
My thoughts exactly after 20 years with a covert narcissist. It’s like he’s giving us the manual. The tragedy of hindsight is it’s clarity.
I am not finding it humorous yet but clarifying snd validation of my life
Even at my lowest suicidal times I never for one minute thought I'd done anything to deserve his treatment.
I think mine wanted me to kill myself
If you were truly with a narcissist as you say then YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS;
YOU did nothing to deserve the treatment you received from the narcissist other than be their fixed target.
From my own 21 year personal experience of mental and emotional abuse which included but was not limited to; emotional neglect at the hands of a female covert narcissist, I have come to realise and understand, they are the human equivalent of a Venus Fly Trap and we are the flys and unless we wake up sooner rather than later, then run the real and present danger of having serious psychological damage done to ourselves.
In my case I was pushed to the very edge of a nervous breakdown the result of which is;
Post Traumatic Anxiety Stress Disorder and hand tremors. I
I have been unable to work since 2016 due to being unable to get through a job interview without going into uncontrollable full body shaking due to the stress of the situation.
If YOU have not yet broken away from the narcissist that is abusing you, then whatever it takes, YOU must make that your number 1 priority.
There is no white Knight coming to save you, YOU must do what I had to do;
Leave and save yourself.
You have the inner strength, YOU just need to find it and harness your GOD given power.
I share loving compassion with you my friend.
Be Well. Be Happy.
@@andresandres1666 spoken like a true narcissist.
@@readoryx373 hi. Yes, you are absolutely right "it does take two to tango" however, based entirely on your comment I would say about YOU one of two things is probably true:
1) You have never had the personal
experience of being in a
relationship with a narcissist and
therefore have no idea as to how
destructive and toxic their
personality truly is, or:
2) YOU are yourself a narcissist.
Mine used to say I wasn’t brave enough to actually kill myself because I was trash
They even forget what they told you before and next time they are telling you same stories they change the whole thing. They can tell you same stories in 7 different versions
I am always surprised about this too. the act like they did not say or do what they said or did, even yesterday. And they are always innocent or a victim, and you caused their problem.
@@serious4701 you're right. I dealt with one for almost 8years. At a point I thought I was the one who's crazy. Everyone I tried to tell how she treated me thought I was lying cos she shows them a different side of her and to me she was a different person. She was a family member but until I got over her and cut her off totally then gradually every one started to know who she was and that was how she got exposed. I was so relived atleast they now understand I wasn't crazy all this while
I've met a lot of narcisists in my life, but not all of them were pathological liars. They are manipulative, professional gaslighters, condescending and tell lies to protect their false self BUT I feel like the mythomania is a comorbity because just 5 or 6 of the ones I met told absurd stories all the time changing the facts at will
@@gleiceokubo1091 @Gleice Okubo The bizarre phenomenon is that they all do the same thing. They tell themselves a story, believe it, and then try to convince you that it is true or manipulate you until you believe it too. Maybe somewhere in the cosmos they were birthed by the same source?
@@serious4701 yes, I agree. But I see a difference between the two types I described. I met the type that lies to their benefit and the type that is addicted to lying, lies through their teeth every single second and doesn't even bother to try to make any sense. Like "oh, yesterday I had cancer!" You know?
There is a heightened level of intelligence required to comprehend this. It’s sad to say but I can see a lot of people are in jail from possibly harming a narcissist. This is enough to drive you to the edge. Literally, how invasive someone can be towards your thoughts and cross boundaries over and over again
Beyond the thinkable
The TV show “Snapped” comes to mind.
@@oxwellstoer5318 i feel like when anything like this becomes commly consumed knowledge, the entire concept will be distorted by its perpetrators (like a shape shifting virus) and by human error(aka stupidity). You can't really teach it. You can only appropriate the experience of it to academic sterility.
It makes you doubt yourself....because most people can’t register the levels of ignorance....lies and relentlessness these evil manipulative parasites go threw to drive you crazy for self amusement! What the scariest aspect imo is how these people can’t put themselves in a persons shoes to understand empathy....as kids we tend to learn from our mistakes whether you made someone upset or regretted certain actions that effected other people somehow...guilt?!? Narcissistic people in wars with the average people in society have a major advantage from the start due to the fact they live this life and feed off of it ...while the other people are questioning themselves over and over because they’ve entered a world they don’t have a clue about! My story is way too long to get into on here....let’s just say I have been searching for 6 years on the internet for any help....I’m yet to come across anything even close to my situation! I feel for anyone dealing with this....I happen to live across the street from the most evil family that I personally could have ever imagined 🤷🏻♂️ I have a Facebook page just to expose this woman...if you’re curious by any chance to witness what I deal with I suggest you check it out✨
The number of people who will do anything for the narc is rediculous. Maybe they feel chosen. When reality changes suddenly I can see a flip.
I’m 25 yrs into my marriage n literally just learned I’m w a narc.. I’m a shell of who I was, always trying to forgive or try to understand where he was coming from.. the verbal battles we would have w the “ bob and weave” techniques to change the topic, cast blame, avoid the issue, multiple explanations w no real explanation at the same time, the “ I dont recall that” technique, the hamster wheel of verbal bullshit ... I’m
Exhausted.. 3 times w drug issues, one year infidelity/affair w phone sex worker n now we are into Hgh, testosterone and sports cars...
I’m duct taped to his cart on the roller coaster he keeps promises he will stop ... energy vampire n promise breaker... no empathy.. stares right through me as I weep w out even a hand on my shoulder... I am leaving him ... asked for a divorce last night... no more.. how did I get here? I’m so much smarter than this... Every single technique u mentioned is my husband.. I’m sitting here w my jaw on the floor.. ty for such great explanations .. I might actually get out of this nightmare 😉
I'm divorcing right now as well. Feels so good. Best decision I've made in a long time. I take care of myself and am so much more fulfilled in my daily life.
I'm going through a divorce with a narc. Like you I only learned my wife is a narc upon our separation. I still doubt my worth, potential, abilities, and so on.. Also like you I have had my different stages of a narc toxicity. I wish you the best, and pray you will be able to free yourself of your mental and emotional solitary confinement your narc has you in..
Sam Vaknin woke me up too. It was years ago, but a few years later I fell for another narc. That’s the thing you really need to try to figure out. I truly thought I would never end up with a narc again. This is YOUR life and you deserve to enjoy it. 💖
I'm a year into my divorce after 35 years. It's never too late!!
Dr. Ramani has a channel on here, and she's helped me figure out why I am such a narc magnet. I've been where you are, and I hope you will focus, and power through. Life is so much better on the other side. I promise. My ex raged, and raged. It was terrifying. I planned my exit, and did NOT tell him where I was going. I was still terrified. But here I am, and I'm so happy. I watch narc videos to help me understand narcs, and it's really helping me heal. You're going to have a lot of ptsd, but you will get through this. I have a college degree, and a 25 year career in publishing, smart has nothing to do with how manipulative these people are. Be wary of very charming people. ;)
I have begun "going through the motions robotically (at home) while awaiting the next meltdown."
Me too sister. It's exhausting. Sending you ❤
I once asked the Malignant Narcissist, "Why do you hate me and your family?" The response was a blank stare, no words, just silence. That shook me to my core. You explain their emptiness very well. Thank you.
my partner often seems to never want to answer (ignores or idk, doesn’t respond to my emotions or feelings, same cold, empty, blank silent stare). he knows he is this way because i have unmasked this years ago, but he ran and i let him back in and now he has no where to hide but continues to mask with lies, denial, after already admitting everything i’ve ever said about him i was ACTUALLY NOT just “saying just to say” because the people in these videos say exactly the same things i have tried getting through their head on a daily basis.
lights on but nobody home...so pitiful
Ditto.
Blank stare comes when they don't have anyone to copies emotional from
My sister in law looks at me like a doll. She has blank eyes. Her kids are screwed. My brother protected her for way too long she’s destroyed his life but he can get out. Her kids can’t. It’s discusting. I had no idea people like this existed when I was young.
They don’t communicate, they lecture. Fights were usually a monologue. In my case, many times I would think, “Omg, he’s fighting with himself”.
Yes the lecture/monologue
"Usurping the victim-role is a surefire sign that the narcissist or psychopath has done something truly rotten, or truly dangerous. When the narcissist goes all out on the offensive, you know he did something really, really bad." Thank you for this and whole video, so much information to learn from.
Truth tellers have always been hated, it takes courage because truth tellers get punished. Love your search for clarity and transparancy
I got a chuckle when I saw the Mickey Mouse mug. A narcissist was my first boyfriend and first and only husband. He walked out on me and 7 children and he did me a favor. I blamed LL his behavior on his alcoholism, but I now know it was mostly narcissism. I’m alone now and a great grandma, and my life is one of contentment. It took decades to reconstruct my life, but it was worth it
@@mariasartzis-pellicier1723 That isn’t a healthy approach for healing , focus on you not someone else’s karma
I love your attitude Miss ag. He did do you a favor
@@mariasartzis-pellicier1723 I hope she doesn’t keep up w what he’s doing. They’ll post hurtful stuff in the hopes that you’re watching
@@Truevitz yes! It’s just good to let them go. These narcissists are already living a life of hell. It’s good to engage in curses and all. Just heal and get yourself back! Nothing is more beautiful than.
"Professional forgetters"!! How true 🤣🤣
This man is a genius. So honest and deep. And almost prophetic in predicting the narc.
So true. I am a hairstylist for over 30 years. I have met many women that are with abusive men with narcissistic traits. When they stay with the abuser, they become abusive. Why?He treats them better when she treats him badly. He becomes the victim for a while. They keep trading places with being victim and abuser. She become addicted to the disfunction. Usually this life mimics her childhood.
I heard we have romantic relationships / marriages with people that have the same dysfunctions as our mother or father. And the cycles continue intergenerationally.
Sadistic and masochistic! They feel less lonely when they can interact with petty people. The world makes more sense to them when people are like them.
@@cheekibreeki4492 - a good video on this is by School of Life channel, called "Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person". It explains why childhood imprinting is the number one predictor of what sort of person you will find most attractive.
@@meagiesmuse2334 The school of life channel is deeply flawed and should never be considered a great source of knowledge. Plenty of articles, videos and the like break down why that is. Yes of course they get a thing or two right but my word they offer some absolutely horrifying advice. Take any of what you learn there with a spoonful of salt and extra research and I hope you are having a good day and continue doing so! :)
@@Elegant_Sausage - This certainly may be true in some cases, but this particular video agrees with what Barbette says above, which is why I posted it. It also agrees with what I've experienced personally and as a former therapist, so I would still recommend it, and let people decide for themselves if it resonates or not. I wish you a good day also!
The BEST channel on Narcissism on UA-cam hands down.
Sir, you’re doing beautiful work here.
Extremely confusing if you have not witnessed this yourself. Sam is telling you the truth. He is very detailed in the mind of Psychopath Narcissist, BPD, NPD & Malignant Narcassist. It's a viscous cycle of massive confusion back & forth of different personalities. When you have figured them out they all play the victim and say your loosing your mind. The pathological lies are mind blowing & they do it with a straight face.
"The pathological lies are mind blowing." I couldn't have said it better.
"Personalised disassociation to skew reality and reframe." - perfect 👌
So true, unending monologues. Face to face or on phone. If you start to reply, their quick to interrupt you. Because they can't listen to anyone else between their endless ramblings. But still so needy for you as audience, sometimes desperate.
Im really in a annoying draining situation, Like other's because of marriage and or kids. I have Children with this man and he be on some next Level mess. I believe he's never happy satisfied nor thankful. he doesn't Like that he pays support, minus helping structure raise boys. When something i dnt Like i just express and tell him. He goes into that's not important to focus on and people are negative, he needs wants some one to make him a better people. What
@@bwise2rise70 Just leave, no second guessing. Feel light 😃
@@aleksik4028 Thank You😊
@@aleksik4028 Yes we are not together but all of a sudden he comes hanging around when he says hes single but wants the benefit of a relationship. With out saying that. He is blaming me because of money and that his Grandmother and fathers house needs to be sold. Now after staying with this one that one he out of count at the moment. Im no pit stop or Layaway btch smh! P.S Thanks for Liking and commenting keep Lifting Up ☺😊
Hello Aleksi K, I agree with you. Long monologues face to face and on phone almost every time.I am trying not to responde and not listen to him. Now, 3 hours monologues he adress to our son. I do not know what to do.Helpless!
That secret speech... I confronted my best friend about that. She finds ways to ask me to do her favors without asking. Then says I have my own free will, but when I don’t agree with Some idea she pitches, the tension in our apartment is thick enough to cut with a knife. She will never get anything out of me again
Find another place - and let yourself breathe again
I would always do the thing because it was less tension ( they would continue on and on about it) then resentment towards myself and them that would eventually blow. If this is you as well it may be best to make other arrangements
And they say I've never " asked "you for anything
Why is she your best friend again?
"NO", is something of the most degrading you can tell them, how daaaare you!?^ xD
True quote: "I'm sorry I wasn't listening to you ... I was trying to work on that teamwork thing!."
You can feel when people care even if they “covertly” don’t care you can just feel if people genuinely care or if it’s a facade.. which makes your perception valid with no need to elaborate
Always felt they talk in riddles, cant stand it.
Word salad. Leaves a bad taste.
Yes talks in circles.
Yes. Very cryptic language. I felt like my head use to spin.
All the time. Always creating a false narrative
ur actually saying im the narc dw?
I needed to hear this. I thought it was just misunderstanding - that I wasn't explaining or communicating clearly. But every point you made, I was shocked at how much it described the person I'm having these issues with. I'm not imagining things, I'm not being too sensitive - you are breaking down exactly what is happening and I finally understand. Thank you. This has helped tremendously.
they are predictable once you learn the knowledge...still learning, endless info
I don't want to be this way and my borderline is meaner than snot I just want to be able to communicate clearly with her
The representative. The narcissism persona. Met him 10 years ago. Married a year later. Now divorcing. Alive. Recovering. Healing. Acknowledging my tendencies. My mental issues. My solutions.
Came close to broken, but something deep inside me dodged that bullet.
They are in fact exhaustive humans. You’ve summed up the daily experience. Twilight zone.
Yup.
Wow. TY
Exhaustively exhausting!
We would go out and she would scan the room for the tallest best looking and stare at him! 30 seconds is ok but 3 minutes and she didn't blink. I always felt like I was in the way. Im gutted but healing now. She told me about her many 3 month relationships. I stuck it out 3 years to be her longest monogomous ( I think) relationship. She is 51 with two kids. One is ok the other lives under the stairs and is injured beyond repair. So sad I hung on so long. When you can see the pain and they can't its pretty easy to say they don't want you telling them.
I realize it's dark humor...but I had to giggle
Sometimes that's the medicine that works best
When you understand the riddles, they are trying to turn you insane for figuring them out. Why do I attract these people... working my way into independence so the barrage diminishes.
@@adimeter thank you i know i need help with this. thanks for the information. happy healthy days to you
@@blessedabyss165 - I had no clue about the types of Narcassism, other than the loud, showy Overt type. One night, I Iiterally stumbled up Dr. Les Carter's site on UA-cam, called 'Surviving Narcassism' & it was a game changer. I was 100% clueless as to: Love Bombing, Gaslighting, Projection, Rages & the Silent Treatment, etc., until that fateful night. Drs. Carter & Ramani are 100% focused on Narcassistoc Abuse. ( Dr. Ramani is my #2 go-to) Others are interesting at times... but for real help & understanding, these 2 will educate you in a calm, intelligent way. Wishing you much luck & peace.
They lack shame- literally. They can only imitate it. As he said, they can get mad or angry only-they are upset, not ashamed.
Isn't it Interesting that so many therapists and others say these people are rooted in shame and guilt, when their behavior shows opposite. These words seem to be something they use to excuse and further control, manipulate and abuse.
They hate when you hold the “proverbial mirror” up to their core being and expose who they really are. They hate accountability and shining a light on their dark and evil deeds.
No, they don't lack shame. They lack the ability to deal with shame ie shame repair. Their disorder is an attempt to deal with shame without actually dealing with it
Evert time I listen to you I receive more validation that I was not the crazy one. However, I behaved a little crazy sometimes because he pushed me constantly. I've been out of it for 24 years but only recently realized what actually happened. This makes it very clear that he is covert. Through the years I would sometimes feel guilty about the way things ended, but now I know it ended exactly the way he wanted it to so that he could be a victim.
It’s such a relief to reconsider my marriage that perhaps I wasn’t the crazy one as he believed.
I regret loosing my cool with him… but I was in such pain and so angry I thought if I lashed out at him maybe he would get how bad he was hurting me, but now I learn that they have no feelings so it literally doesn’t matter how much you try and explain or try to make them see the consequences of their behavior they just don’t get it 🤦🏾♀️
They live their own reality in their heads period...run
I agree 👍
And there is the answer to why, he got stuck at the adolescent phase 9f attracting a mate this us well documented, Sam would know more of this as its in his book
@@leahc8347 l
👍 Run 🏃 🏃 very fast. 😆
One I knew affected a British accent and concocted an entire backstory.
This video is so jam-packed with information that I had to rewatch it a couple of times and take detailed notes. No other Narcissism resource compares to this video - it makes you feel like how you feel after receiving CPR certification. Thank you Professor Vaknin, I really appreciate your hard work!
When Gabby Petito grabbed the water bottles the police offered, and Brian then REFUSED them saying offhand that he didn't believe in plastic water bottles, he was invisibly rebuking Gabby.
And he was also engaging in transferring his narcissism to her; he called her "mean". And she called her own behavior "mean" even though all she wanted was some time to do her work. He was grooming her to become "mean".
Felt this.
I've known my share of narcissist's throughout my life and have fallen into that rabbit hole in dark points in my life. They aren't all bad but you have to understand boundaries with them. Sensitive people have to set boundaries to not get sucked into the fantasies of these people, which can be a hard thing when you want to be there for others. My advice to sensitive types is to just be careful and know you are loved and don't have to associate yourself with these people if you find it too much 💖.
@@avamerritt8935 Thank you Ava. Keep being awesome!
You're wrong: they're ALL bad. Total scum.
@@UnderPresser So you have no duality in yourself? No past dark thoughts? Selfish desiring ones? We all have the propensity to fall from high. Hubris and blind zeal are such places to fall.
We all have a dualtiy within ourselves, yes. But we should not forget-nor use as an excuse for our attitude or behavior-that one of those sides will usually be the one which shines through far, far more than the other. Duality is not equality. There are two dogs in us, one evil, one good. Every day they fight for influence over our souls. The dog that wins is the one we feed more. Narcissists ARE the black dog, they do not have that good dog in them. And what they feed that one dog are their perceived scraps of their victim's egos.
@@UnderPresser If all have good or bad in them, then there is always a redemption story. Do "they" not deserve a chance? You say they don't have a "good dog" in them but say everyone has two dogs. Have you thought maybe you can't see that good dog like the blind can't see color? Best not to judge because things work in ways that are so complex as to cause madness if let.
I don't claim you should associate yourself with them. That is left to those who can. Best not to box others into a corner. For a cornered dog is dangerous. Be kind.
Slept walked into the narcissists world and woke up with a nightmare...
200% uncountable. 2 days prior to my delivery date the jerk packed and went to visit "his friend".
God bless you Professor for opening our eyes!👍❤🌹
I have been married for 40+ years, out of those years 20 he did not speak, yet his attitude, anger, victimization and contempt said much more than words.
I am in a divorce process that I initiated. Now my three children are professionals and have their own family.
Thanks Dr. Vacnin you, unlike my husband's communication, you use clear and precise language's words.
It's crazy how they can keep up they're rolleplay for years. Mine barely spoke for 4years.. mostly just to agree with me.. I vehemently believed we'd grow old together 😆. Nearly 12 year in and been in and out of denial about this personality disorder. It's about 6 months of endlessly looking through content. This man here has single handedly ended my battle. I believe! My fight is over!!! I can stop! I feel some peace that I'm not crazy.
I was in a marriage with a narcissist for 35 years. Coming from a dysfunctional family myself I gave my narc the benefit of the doubt - hey, everyone is a bit broken - aren't they? I ignored all the red flags, serial affairs because I was scared of abandonment. As soon as he found a new, stable source of narcissistic supply he discarded me. I was then forced to confront my fears and issues with a counsellor. What I found out was horrific! It was like coming out of a daze, or discovering a Matrix-like actuality that I had never confronted before. It took my breath away. To find out that your husband is actually some kind of alien posing as a man; gutless, manipulative, basically hollow inside - I couldn't unsee it! I marvelled at my own folly in being taken in. I am coming to the end of my 'prison sentence' . As a result I am having nightmares, memory lapses and general disorientation which must be to do with the necessary adjustment of the mind to this new reality. I hope it settles down and I can reclaim some kind of sanity! Good luck to all of you who are suffering. Prof. Vaknin is brave to expose all his own faults like this as I presume he is describing himself. He has also described my husband so accurately its like he has met him.
I have 27yrs, in the same boat. As much as I miss the person I thought I knew, I REFUSE to go backwards...I wasted enough time on an illusion, and deserve so much more than he ever gave. Good look....you are worth it!❤️
I have a phrase in my head that will stay with me forever
I was a Health Professional in NHS U.K.
After 12 years I called the police and was then in a Women’s Aid Refuge for 41/2mths
I told my support worker that I felt stupid for putting up with the abuse for so long
Her response “you had to be emotionally ready”
Narcissists create other narcissists so be very careful you may be away from them now, but soon those you love may see you the same way you saw them.... It's mostly because with the narcissist you end up having to fight fire with fire... Think about using water !!!!
I couldn't agree more, I became so good at these games, now I need to unlearn them. It's not worth it, even if it gives some satisfaction to beat them with their own munition and directly to their most vulnerable spot but still better just turn and walk away.
Notes:
- ... "Palindromic speech is any kind of statement about facts or inner mental state that intentionally (often) or inadvertently (rare) creates confusion and disorientation in the listener. Gaslighting and lying are examples of crass and malicious palindromic speech acts. Confabulation and "word salad" (illogical, incoherent discourse) are benign variants intended to bridge dissociative gaps in memory or to buttress grandiosity."
- Palindromic speech makes use of various semantic devices (i.e. the choice of words and their structure).
During communication with their interlocuter, the narcissist makes use of an 'envelope message' (outwardly discernable) and a 'hidden message'; the hidden message can be identified via the following which can serve as warning signs:
1) Use of indefinite pronouns or modifiers (i.e. not clarifying other parts of their speech - e.g. this, that, either, some, any, both, each, every)
2) If you demand truth and/or accountability, you can safely assume: confabulation, reframing and outright lying; this is done (partly) to cover up the narcissist's pervasive dissociation.
3) When the narcissist expostulates (protests) on their motivation for doing something, or recounts what had happened between you and them, they:
3a) are wrong; reframing to justify their behaviour or to justify his misbehaviour/restore ego syntony
3b) are lying out of self-interest
3c) have dissociated gaps they are trying to bridge with a confabulation (i.e. what makes sense to them)
"NEVER TRUST WHAT THE NARCISSIST SAYS; DO NOT LET THEIR GASLIGHTING UNDERMINE YOUR TRUST IN YOUR SENSES - YOUR JUDGEMENT, YOUR OBSERVATIONS, YOUR MEMORIES, YOUR IDENTITY, AND YOUR COMMON SENSE.
DO NOT LET THE NARCISSIST CLUB YOU ON THE HEAD AND WAKE UP IN THEIR PLATONIC CAVE OF SHADOWS OF AN ALTERNATIVE REALITY."
(Palindromic speech could entail the following...)
- Equivocal speech (purposeful vagueness); this is passive aggressioin masquerading as civility, good-manners and formality; but underneath the surface there is enmity, hostility, hatred and the wish to destroy the frustrating object. The recipient can pick up on this passivity (or occult message) which makes them questions this empathically percieved hatred and it unsettles them and their view of the world.
- Manipulativeness and coercision via provocation. "The narcissist is a puppet master and his hidden messages convert you into a marionette". They render their victim invisible and transparent, which threatens the victim's mental survival.
The narcissist malingers, delays, procrastinates and postpones endlessly which wears down their victim [this is passive aggression] - e.g. they promise to promise and it never happens. Some narcissists procrastinate out of perfectionism; whereas, for most narcissists, it is done to frustrate the victim - it is a "transformation of aggression".
"Narcissists are professional forgetters" ... "neglect, forgetfulness, procrastination and truancy are the four horses of the narcissistic apocalypse - intended to inflict armageddon." - e.g. there is intentional inefficiency, stubborness, pseudo-stupidity, and outright sabotage.
- Contextual drift & subterranean speech. By changing the context of the conversation they change the message and the reality testing; they reframe the whole conversation as you're listening and you are left wondering, "how did I get here?".
- Hypothetical speech to "test the waters" - i.e. how would you react if they converted their vague sentences to certainties? (e.g. via the use of 'maybe' for plausible deniability, or the use of 'just saying' at the end of some (passive aggressive) sentence).
- Manipulative speech; goal oriented utterances intended to impress and/or for the acquirement of some goal - not to communicate.
The narcissist assigns roles by misinterpretting (very often deliberately) intentions and motivations. Some narcissists are paranoids - this speech is very common for them. They have the conspiracism psychological trait.
There are 3 types of manipulative speech:
1) Victim speech (entitled, demanding, dependent, whining (grievances/grudges), transparent) - engaged in by codependents, borderlines, and naricissists ;
2) Child speech (entitled, demanding, dependent, naive, immature, fantastic) engaged in by narcissists ;
3) Psychopathic (entitled, envious, competitive, malicious, opaque, coded, dense, multi-layered) engaged in by psychopaths(/histrionics?).
- Post hoc ergo propter hoc which takes advantage of the base rate [cognitive bias] fallacy - i.e. the belief that people are good and assumption of their postulations as true without verification/validation.
- Narcissists lecture; they never talk. They seek to impress; they never communicate - they actively ignore other people's input.
The narcissist is so invested in extracting supply from their interlocutor(s) and dazzling them that he is oblivious to his own body language, interjections, or to the environment at large.
- "Big picture evasiveness". Narcissists are concerned only with strategy, never with tactics;
they lay out the big picture in synoptic terms, leaving others to fill out their gaps and glaring inconsistencies. Any attempt to involve the narcissist in the minutae of decision making and the give and take of human endeavour is percieved by the narcissist as coercision - a humilitating, ill-intentioned and deliberate challenge to his grandiose self-perception.
- "Alloplastic defensese and shifting the blame". Both narcissists and psycopaths are never fully responsible or accountable; they never own their misconduct - i.e. they will make some excuse (narcissist/psycopath?), or adopt the "theory of just desserts" (psycopath?).
E.g. "a man has to do what a man has to do", or "it is just the way of the world".
- Passive aggressive gaslighting is an abusive speech act. The narcissist claims to have done nothing wrong; their misconduct is a result of some difference of culture or [your] old fashioned-ness; "why does the victim keep harping on?". Things just happen only to them - they are the (only) passive recipients of fate, destiny, institutions, other people, etc.
- "Alloplastic defence with an external locus of control". The narcissist shifts the blame and guilt-trips - e.g. he was some gullible victim.
- Harvey Clackley [sic?], "Actions and behaviours are the psycopath's only true forms of communications" and they are the narcissist's language.
Ignore what they say, observe only what they do.
- "The narcissist or the borderline honestly and firmly believe that they are true, and [their] confabulations have the power of memories - they appear to [them to] be objective and authentic. They are always very likely, very plausible and even highly probable." .. "The confabulation allows everyone involved to negate and efficaciously ignore a paiunful reality, or an uncomfortable alternative scenario or set of facts." (i.e. it affords them succour and peace of mind) ... "Having entered their alternative universe the victim of the cluster B filters out all countervailing information and contradictory facts or possibilites".
- (Summa summarum)
There is no reasoning with the mentally ill; they cannot be reasoned with or analysed with any rationality. This is because they are capable of paradoxical thinking (&) hyper flexibility - i.e. harbouring opposing, dissonant and contradictory cognitions at the same time.
They can feel two conflicting emotions at the same time; Bateson [sic?] called it the "double" bind & Laing [sic?] called it the "incompatible knot". The speech acts and decisions of mentally ill people need to be deconstructed, not simply observed.
The mentally ill person's meandering along the conflicting path of their psyche (i.e. fragmentation of the alienated self, and cathecting of internal objects) may relate to what Giddens [sic] called "ontological security".
- The cluster B person possesses an empty schizoid core (and can be manifested via 3 primary modes):
1) Labile and dysregulated whims or their moods or emotions,
2) They are no longer with us; they are steeped in delusions of grandeur with fantastic landscapes - i.e. a pseudo-psychotic, impaired reality testany cases)
3) They are lying through their teeth, so why bother?
- So, it is best to use a trustworthy & competent third party interpreter/intermediate when communicating with the cluster B person. This intermediary person will be (more) capable of seeing through the miasma the cluster B person has formed with you, and can communicate directly for you.
Thank you
Excellent, thank you for this summary
Thanks
Thanks
Thanks, this is great
Thank you so much for this. I'm being bothered by a narcissist who is trying very hard to bait me into a battle and this video is steeling my resolve to not let her trigger me. Again, thank you.
Get away from the person now! They could kill you for real. They are dangerous
@@Alaska-sd4nl I know this. I actually did quit my job to avoid having to encounter this woman, but she also lives in the same townhome complex as I do. Fortunately, she lives on the other side and I rarely see her, but she did slash my tires a couple of months ago. I think she has already moved on to someone else, but I can never relax.
I have wondered what went on in a narcissistic's mind. Thank you. Now I get my Mother. My favorite (Father's quote)"If Her lips are moving, she's lying." Wish he had explained it better back at 6 yrs of age. Took a lot of exploring the misinformed minds of the narcissistic public/citizens to know that the 🌎 is in trouble from the lack of coincidence & empathy. The percentage of narcissistics has been truly underestimated. Watch your back!
Passive aggressive! Why am I hated? Asked myself over and over! Thank you for finally describing what I have been through!
So true emotional communication is futile. The best you are going to get is cold empathy. Thank you so much. That was very helpful!
The narcissists act like victims
But they’re really the abusers
Thats how they get a fresh supply so fast! What person doesn't want to play the hero to a zero?
@@richardsmith7917 you’re so right 🙌🏼 I totally agree 💯
Amazing and helpful as always! Also thank you for telling everyone that true meaning of word salad. I work in mental health and this misuse drives me crazy.
I know someone who fits this description and has everyone but me fooled. He even told me about how he thinks when we got along, then........ we had a falling out. A 10 year smear campaign started, everyday these hidden messages in his words directed straight at me. No one believed me and probably still don't. I finally quit that job, but my life is in ruins. No job, no friends, can't trust anyone, social anxiety from the constant humiliation I experienced. This isn't a oh poor me statement because I'm stronger than that but this comes as a warning to everyone to get the hell out if you see the warning signs. This is real and it can ruin your life.
If I could hug you, and for years I thought it was me
you’ve described how I’ve been feeling for the longest without the words to express. Thank you for sharing
@sarahm.9615 I wish you the very best in your journey and hope you find a way to heal.
The narcissist I got free from taught me "actions speak louder than words" is a lie. It's as I got wise to her tricks that I began to notice her true motivations, the actions she took when she thought I was too stupid to get it because I'd chosen to play extra dumb.
my borderline partner was provoking me to scream at her by doing/saying horrible things to me. and when I was going crazy she become very calm and kind and even happy sometimes. I thought this provocation was a kind of cure for her and she was waiting for these negative emotions from me to make her calm and happy. now I know why she was doing this. I was in an abusive relationship with her for 7 years, but her friend's circle (if I can call them friends, she has no true friends because she is not able to handle any kind of relationship in general) knew what I was abusing her (!) and they blocked me on social media. for them I will be abuser, but they never found out the true. they will never find out that I have PTSD after relationships with this person, that I was in police trying to find help when I was stalked my her.
thank you, Sam!
Hearing this particular tape made me remember the painful years I was invisible like to my husband and when I tried to explain to my oldest son why I felt not belonging, I could not find feelings's words that would make sense and explained how I feel in my own home!!
Thanks again Dr.Vicnin
A good take away is that they just don’t care.. it simplifies everything all the behaviors the root of their behaviors is that they don’t care
That is the bottom line
Very interesting as I thought my ex narc and I had a "connection" but I was just staring to unravel and see through the "game" that I honestly didn't know I was playing. Everything you said I've experienced. It's slightly scary how prophetic Vaknin is.
You are absolutely right. I could share the text messages that he's written that from the outside it looks okay. Nice almost. But as you dig in you realize it's a message specific to you with all the vile and hatred he pulls from things you shared in a vulnerable moment. Trusting him. He saved that information to destroy you to the core.
Push, push, poke, prod... For hours or days or years, until you snap at them. Then they flop like Tim Duncan, and use it as an excuse for any abuse levied at you.
If you're sad, they're pleased.
If you're happy, they're made furious.
I want my woman to dress like Duncan and flop like ray lewis 🤣
A narcissist projects to protect.
The GOAT of all Narcissists videos and lessons online. Great combinations of psychological terms with real life conversations/confusion from Narcissists.
This is the first time someone has perfectly described the situation between me and my covert narcissist husband--the most passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive person I have ever seen. Thank you for bringing some clarity and understanding.
I respect people that are genuine and honest. I’ve come to realize that many like reality sugar coated; they don’t want to take accountability for wrongdoing, and count on others not verbalizing their misdeeds.
My ex often made derogatory comments just below the clearly audible range and -- when I asked him what he had said (because I could hear enough of it to know it was an insult) -- he would say "I was talking to myself" and then walk away.
My ex wouldn’t even bother saying his insults/comments quietly. He would talk like he was talking to someone else about me, but I was the only other person in the room. Things like “I can’t believe she did that” or “There she goes again”. After a while I asked him why he talked about me in the third person when I was right there, and he also said he was talking to himself. It’s clearly a tactic to undermine you or make you invisible.
Oh my partner did that to me so often! So frustrating. I waited for him to be "nice" for nearly 15 years (he wasn't). He also faced away when I spoke to him...and sneered when he spoke to me. I cannot understand why he was so annoyed when I finally came to my senses and left!
@smalltcreations Thank you for writing that. It was very validating to read that someone else has had the same experience. My mother did that to me for my entire childhood. It was unreal. I literally have no idea how many times it happened. My impression is that it was daily or weekly, and always when we were alone together, like in the car.
I experienced the same thing. He would have a conversation with himself out loud insulting me.
Yes they twist it like they are the victim and you are somehow the abuser. I.e. he said to me once “is this what marriage is going to be like” over me not getting him a bowl of ice cream. Really?
But somehow it did made me feel one of the guiltiest of all my life.
This is one of the most powerful videos I've ever seen on narcissism. Thank you.
Talking about A, while really talking about B... my husband was a professional double speaker. Was crazy making.
Omg absolutely spot on! I’ve watch many videos and you are the only one who’s brought this up! You have to be in a narcissistic relationship to understand this! Thank you
The part where he says something like .. "there is no point in trying to analyze, understand, comprehend, retro dig, predict these types of personality's is pointless" because they have no stability no stable core and in many respects don't exist... WOW that is mind blowing and liberating. I have spent so many years doing all that trying to analyze, understand and the rest of that list he mentions and it suxed and still does. It is a hard lesson but a lesson that frees you from the grips of the question most ask.. "why". No answer will ever be enough to justify the abuse they put us thru. I learned to stop asking the question and I understood that I would never understand but I didn't know why and he just said it : they don't have a stable core, they are empty.
This is the most in-depth, honest, complete information on narcissistic speech I have heard so far in the 10 years since I “abandoned “ my 22 year marriage to a narcissist. After all their speech is really all that they are….just saying😉. Thank you for the education and emotional relief.
I can’t help to feel bad for my ex husband, I truly do.
I have no hate for him at this point
It must be hell to have this disorder
I knew something was off but didn’t know what, thanks doc.
Though I left him
I didn’t want to, but these videos safer my life.
I’m reconstructing myself after 25 years of being with him.
He believed all the fantasies and lies he tells himself
He has no choice, I understand him now more than ever.
I would have stayed but he completely broke me… he hoovered me for 3 years till two weeks ago
New supply and he completely blocked me.
We have children together and he initiated no contact.
Best most informative and life saving video you have ever made hands down
Thank you I needed this to help navigate thru the ending of a 16 yr abusive marriage that left me feeling confused defeated and lost
Me 23 years! (slow learner) yes my ex gave me a lots of names, one of them is “slow” referring to my ability to pick up! as he has lots of games too and he was relentless in punishing me for not playing his games and he is also very vindictive! But remember, a loss is not forever!
And I’ve escaped and will be forever away from him! My sure win! The last laugh is mine! And I begin to see more light now that i am out of that cold, stinky dungeon he put me in. It was dark in there , too dark and confusing you won’t know which way is out and which way leads you into more into darkness!
I am so glad to be out and see the lights again and appreciate each day I live! I’m glad to be able to find and watch Prof. Sam Vaknim! He helped me find words to describe what I’ve been through. . .
I have a number of the Professor's books and listening to these videos are even better. Very thankful for such insight. Spot on, obviously!
Holy Sh*t this is EXACTLY what he has done for the last 10 yrs…always late, forgetting everything, absent or, asleep….
This was so helpful to understand my feelings. I have focused so much on his words, and did not give his actions any weight because he justified them with his words (at my expense).
Always watch actions, patterns and never words.... Words lie, actions don't.... I learned the hard way also 😌
You're so brilliant. Listening is hard though because it makes me realize how many abusers I've dealt with.
Es un rufián
Cryptic indeed! So damaging to an authentic person. Psycho path free now! Took a very long time to learn that I am not crazy!
No empathy what so ever!
You describe my life with my ex so precisely. He was the calm and controlled one and I was outrageous.
He seemed to enjoy me being like that.
It took a long time before I understood and to learn about cluster b disorders is key to heal yourself.
Me too I'm loud and get so upset and I look and sound like a maniac while he is laughing and soaking it all in .
Omggggggg
This was so professional, educational and true! Truth tellers are not liked whatsoever! I got chills several times listening to this, but thank you for explaining the futile and draining experience of rational intelligent communication with cluster B’s. Thank you 😊
Normies dont like the truth either and if one alerts thenormies to the cluster Bs the normies condemn the truth teller as though they'd done bad, wrong and gone crazy all at once.
If I wasn't already subscribed I would right now after hearing your story on the word bombing. Very authentic of you. I have had to go along and play dumb more times than I can remember. It sucks knowing something and not caring and having to deal with someone who doesn't know and wants to seem smart tell you something you already know, make up something to go along it and get mad at you when you know more on the subject than them then proceed to start a fight calling you dumb and stupid...
What happens to a society that coddles and encourages the narcissist and psychopaths of entitlement and aggression by a group towards another group . I feel like they become more dangerous to society. I'm right aren't i?
This is best explanation ever of the narcissist, baffling, cunning, and powerful.
Thank you Dr Sam on one more masterpiece on this subject. This is fascinating information. I liked the summary that ultimately their words don’t matter & we should focus on their action and behaviour and not their intention or promises or confabulation I think this is true for all interpersonal relationships and not only for cluster B Pers Disorder. Very informative. Thank you so much...
Basically, Sam is describing our government.
Absolutely correct
Yes. And I believe all African-Americans are kind of cluster B / Borderlines who disassociate because of this abusive relationship with the government. Maybe not literally, but as a collective consciousness
@@ComptonWar idk maybe. Many do seem pretty aware. Not taking the shots because they know all too well about the experiments that were done on their people (even very recently). Many are also quite anti social justice stuff, seeing the way it is dividing people. I know nothing about the actual percentages of African Americans being 'awake' (so to speak) as I am not from the US. But here it is such a diverse group with all kinds of backgrounds and labels. There is just something in certain people that sceams freedom and peace. I don't know exactly what it is but seeing so many different people unite, makes me happy!! Don't be discouraged, dear soul. Nobody is unreachable to us, unless their eyes are in the forever shut. 🙏🏼
Most governments. They lie, kill, steal, abuse, fear, chaos, divide, gasslight and stealing our time, energy and joy in life! Now we have the Covid Control System with QR Code Passports! Online no privacy. Etc etc
Needed?: Awakening
Most govts around the globe. They seem to have same playbook.
Thank you for transcribing your videos 💕 my ex has bpd and I've seen him split often when he was stuck between two worlds. One was with me and the other was with the other women he had a double life with for 3.5 years of our relationship. He was engaged to both of us.
Still trying desperately to understand it so I can process my trauma. I have my own issues as I trauma bonded with him in the end of our abusive relationship. I feel immense guilt for staying and re-traumatizing myself.
The definitions of bpd don't do it justice. I couldn't quite understand it till now as I seen narcissistic traits and antisocial-personality traits in him once my eyes were open and the cloud of ignorance dissipated.
Lately its just been the narcissistic and entitlement I'm experiencing since we have an lo together.
I often felt crazy and defiant trying to assert some kind of assemblance of control over my life again.
Your knowledge and understanding is by far a source of comfort for me so, thank you
Prof. Sam Vaknin your speech, and your descriptive word choices, are exquisite! Rarely have I heard such coherent in-depth speech, except perhaps from Jeff Daniels in the Newsroom, but his was memorized.
Thank you, Professor, for your clarity. I was about to go on medication, thinking it’s all in my head. The double meaning of things. I’m so great full for you and your Chanel ;)
I myself have had these persons in my life. Through knowledgement , help I now can spot a narcissists. My daughter and my sister are both cought up in relationships with a narcissist. I have sent them ur video, the best explainasion of this dangerous behavior. It takes a very strong willingness to survive, to pull away from these personalities. To leave , let go of ur illusion about them and recognize u must survive them. U CAN NOT CHANGE THEM, ONLY URSELF.
Thank you Sam, for exposing the manipulator and how they can ruin those they manipulate.
Thankyou great help
Living with this character was million years of life span but eventually
Understood and freeing myself page by page
U sir r going to save lives with these videos. Keep the truth alive!
PURE GOLD.
I'm saving this video to watch again and again.
Time slot 15:56 to 20:23 is so on point. This has been my exact experience with the Narc. They will sabotage your business even if it results in them sabotaging themselves also.
Meghan Markle trying to sabotage the Royal Family.
@@rachelw6237
Um. No. They were trying to sabotage her. If not, why all the ugliness towards her? I mean really. What did she do “wrong” besides marry into his family? I mean.. what’s wrong with accepting a marriage proposal?...
oh. Yeah. She’s a black woman -“of color” and he’s a white prince who has money and privilege. Lots of wealthy black men are married to plain ordinary white womenfolk. But you don’t see their extended families trotting around looking for 15 minutes of fame, and trying to ride coattails like meghans white family members did ...😒
To include:
An empathetic persons, or people don’t go around attacking others and making racist/insensitive comments and carrying out bullying. 🙄😒😒
@@aprillove10 Meghan is Biracial, not Black. In fact shes a White passing Biracial. And, I said what I said.
@@rachelw6237 You said what you said now take a seat!
@Svenson K Well said 👏🏽
Coming out of a 23 Year marriage… I literally thought I was the crazy one…. Everyone here is saying the same things that I experienced… and this wonderful amazing doctor was explaining my now ex husband to a T…you can’t help but to feel sorry for these kind of people… it’s tragic to have to live this way.
You "nailed" it with this video.
Describing my disfunctional family to its core with the hidden messages.
Thank you Sam.
This is gold. Thank you.
That is such a brilliant video. Thank you Sam. Plus this person who made this description about BPD - nothing to add.
Indeed. Best encapsulation of BPD behaviors I have ever come across.
@@samvaknin😂❤
The best video ... thank you doctor... as I was watching I felt my muscles relief ... I can't even describe how your words accurately described the situation I am in ... I couldn't put it in words myself... just anxiety confusion and frustration ... now I am seeing thing more clearly ... thank you🙏🏻🙏🏻❤❤❤
This video has been so helpful at making sense of my experiences with my former partner, thank you
the hidden message is felt anyway. He was short-circuiting my brain with his language. many times I thought I was crazy. If I told someone else about the situation, they would not understand me. sorry my writing, I'm from Argentina, I don't know English.
💜💛💜 Much Love to you there
@@SpecialAgent-zn1vv thank you❤️
Dont listen to the rude comments...there only jealous. I think you are a brillant human for taking your time out to teach people.
Thank you🏆 I love your work .must be utterly exhausted explaining the corridors tunnels mirrors detours fog & trap doors these empty personality voids (back holes )project Thank you
This is The Video I wish I'd heard decades ago, and I thank you for your clear, concise, accessible overview which makes So Much Sense.