Why Narcissist Can't Love (with Daria Żukowska, Clinical Psychologist)
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- Опубліковано 26 вер 2024
- Narcissist incapable of any kind of love.
Othering failure (incapable of perceiving others as separate or external objects).
Positive and negative emotions intertwined.
Cognitive over emotional.
Bad object validation as unlovable: projective identification.
Superiority, power (love is mundane, weakness) lead to contempt.
Reenactment of early childhood conflicts (separation-individuation)
Love is incestuous.
Love ends in pain, abandonment, is unsafe, a loss of control over threats (external locus), anxiogenic.
Love conditioned on performance, transactional, benefits.
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To the lonely, the vulnerable.. that found themselves in these relationships by mistake because of needs within ourselves.
The best saying that rings true..
"We all eat lies when we're hungry"
Forgive yourself for that hunger. What you didn't know. For staying long after the plate was empty and the dishes broken.
You deserve real communication and real love ❤
Thank you ! ❤
I’m struggling to forgive myself for not being stronger…
@@ABBYBENORMALYou are strong to have survived and smart to be here learning and moving on. You were just tricked by someone. It happens to the best of us.❤❤❤
Ty. So true
Don't beat yourself up for something u did not know about. I do understand!@ABBYBENORMAL
Some of us find ourselves vulnerable to these men because at home we didn’t have parents that would hug and give us love and all we got was “tough love”. So we keep chasing that love we never got and get into relationships because of the share fantasy the narcissist sells us.
And expect the same treatment elsewhere
@OlympianVenus. Narcissists are very keen on this. They watch and test their prey until their prey becomes perfectly readable, before they begin their cycle of bait and switch, and all manner of hatred in between.
@@EdwinC1001 sick and twisted
50% of all narcissists are women? I've been a victim of female narcissists my whole life as a highly empathetic male so don't generalise this. In my experience modern females are actually much more likely to show narcissistic traits. It's almost encouraged.
Heck Venus I went thru it w/ a female,I about stroked out. The worst experience in my life.
My eyes nearly welled up with tears when she asked "Why does it hurt like nothing else in the earth?" But when Sam explained the part about "reflection" and "shared fantasy" my would be tears dried right up. This is a wake up call and much needed reality check for moving in a more emotionally productive direction.
*Professor Sam
Well said! Thank you so much for sharing!
Me too!
me too yeah love is hard
It’s true, when you love a narcissist, you develop maternal feelings!
this is so accurate it is amazing. I met a girl that behaved exactly how the prof. describes it. It seemed so weird and it felt like we processed the world entirely differently. I broke it off because these kinds of people demand that you submit to them but at the same time they want the right to abuse you. At the end it is up to you to not enable them.
I cried twice 😢 First for my ex because he will always be miserable. Second, all the grieving he explains it so well. I have been in so much pain and it feels terrible, I've been searching for answers.
Keep praying for them. Its possible for a Narc to recognize and become self aware and to be healed and change. Nothing is outside of Gods power.
The entire conversation gives me shivers. It's like revisiting the worst nightmare from which you cannot wake up. I have been free from ex-narc for four years, and it feels liberating.
I just cut off from the narcissist last year…I’m still somewhat imbalanced but I know that it will pass and that soon I will experience levity
This is spot on 💯💯💯💯💯 my “husband” acts this way all the way. He is the worst person I ever met in my entire life!!!
He fooled you into marriage so divorce him.
Dity er T😮eff
The best video ive ever seen on line explaining why the narc cant love.priceless and absolute gold.
Completely agree.
Totaly agree
The thing about Narcissists not being able to love dogs! Though they keep dogs, and walk dogs, but there's not much affection. Oh, when he had 2 dogs, he had a favorite one... and never a "good dog" to the other one.
wow, so exactly on! The oddity of withholding love, affection and even sex. Taking responsibility for allowing it, not seeing it sooner. Forgiving and letting go but being smarter and self fulfilled is the best recovery! I do feel bad even for the narcissist for in most cases they suffered abuse and were unable to integrate and heal. I feel for them that they will never really know true love.
I now have a better understanding of my husband who I've been married to for over 40 years and why he is the way he is. I've never felt truly loved and I watch other couples and see how adoring they are towards each other. I know I've missed out, he's never made me feel special, put others before me and I know the root of the problem now looking back. It all makes perfect sense 😔
I always felt alienated by his idealisation , it felt like he didn’t “see” me. I would act like a jerk on purpose in effort to get him to respond to me honestly. That never worked , for that and many other reasons I left.
This was the most accurate account of exactly a NPD relationship. This man is amazing!!! Thank you so much for this.
A lot of so called experts and social media content on Narcissists steal and plagiarise his work. Sam Vaknin is the original expert in narcissist personality disorder
We’re 39 years in to our shared fantasy and halfway through the completion of it. Now my narcissist husband has a girlfriend. He’s literally throwing away our dream: that’s BEING BUILT as we speak, for another woman. I told him I hope she’s worth it. He’ll be paying me 1/2 of the value of the land and house, and all of my funds I’ve invested in the project WITH INTEREST. A very large sum (to me). I truly hope she’s worth it!! She must be made of gold. In this episode you don’t seem to be talking about “covert” narcissism, which mine is. But I see many similarities.
In my experience if he's truly a narc, he will find a way NOT to pay you. If he's a covert he will covertly try to make u too hurt/ill/weak to fight. Or somehow make u pay for things you shouldn't have to. So be very strong and do not let any mind games cheat u out of ur money!
1. El narcisista siempre convive con objetos internos que no están separados de él. Por lo tanto, cualquier sentimiento es hacia sí mismo inclusive la atracción sexual es esencialmente autoerotismo
2. El narcisista sólo siente empatía cognitiva y no empatía emocional, condición indispensable para un sentimiento de amor sano.
3. El narcisista no puede conectar con emociones positivas como el amor porque inmediatamente la asocia con la vergüenza, abandono y dolor y lo llena de ansiedad anticipatoria. El amor no es un sentimiento seguro para él. Por lo tanto se protege de sentir emociones negativas no sintiendo las positivas
4. El narcisista tiene voces interiores que le dicen constantemente que es un objeto malo, por lo tanto no se considera digno de ser amado. Valida esas voces que por lo general son de origen de madre o padre, forzando a su partner a no amarlo, abusando de el, hasta que se canse y lo abandone. Catastrofiza la experiencia y se autocondena al fracaso.
5. El amor lo vuelve un ser común y necesitado como todos, lo cual atenta directamente contra su sentido de grandiosidad. Lo siente como un juego de poder, donde se percibe en inferioridad para competir y superar.
6. Internaliza cualquier relación como un reflejo materno y decide hacerle a su partner lo mismo que le hicieron a él, (pero que no le hace a su madre), esto es, rechazarla. Por supuesto, en compulsión de repetición
7. El narcisista entiende el amor de lis demás como algo transaccional, tiene que entregar algo cambio, así se lo han hecho entender, pues le condicionaron el merecimiento de ser amado a ciertos logros o esfuerzos. Y entiende que si lo amas es porque algo requieres de él. Entiende el amor como un elemento de manipulación.
8. Lo que el narcisista mal etiqueta como amor es una adictiva fantasía compartida donde idealiza a su partner y se idealiza a sí mismo. Ese ha sido y es su gran refugio ante la realidad de la cual está divorciado.
9. El narcisista no tiene una relación contigo sino consigo mismo. Como el se percibe a sí mismo como un objeto malo, tarde o temprano tú también lo serás y eso le dará legitimidad para descartarte. No hay ningún esfuerzo que puedas hacer para evitar el descarte. Eres como un objeto terapéutico para él que cumple una función y culmina.
Thank you for the summary very well explained 😊
Excelente, gracias por resumir
Partner = pareja
Thank you very much indeed for your kind effort. ! 🙏
My NPD spouse laughed when I gave him separation papers- he refused to let me leave. I waited, like a good trauma-bond, until he physically acted out, and I got a CPO. I almost didn’t file , though- because I was so conditioned to stay and allow his bad behavior!
But when he wouldn't let you leave didn't he make you feel like he couldn't let you go?..like he loved you too much?how did he convince u sto stay what actions made u see through it?
He knows soo much about narcissists
he has NPD i believe
thank you so much professor. you understand narcissists more than themselves 🤫🤫
Fascinating, now I don't need to deal with the guilt, shame, or fear.
Excellent presentation, thank you Sam and Daria. In my estimation this is the only video anyone in a relationship with one of those shapeshifters needs to hear.
Daria you are just gorgeous. It is easy to tell you have been hurt badly just by your tone of voice
It's sooo tragic 😔😣😢
I feel pain to listen to this , but it is very enlightening , thank you for sharing with us Professor
It's a delight to listen to Prof. Sam Vaknin 🙂
👍
When you refer to the narcissist manipulating you, such as telling you where you are going to eat, can you speak to the other way of manipulating where they “seem” to with the flow, let you make decisions and act like it doesn’t matter to you, and they seem much more covert.
U know what's sad her face more towards the end because, she's still in disbelief! Me too . . . how was it ALL FAKE!
Mr. Vaknin, you 100% described the 7 year experience I had with my ex partner. Even my therapist didn't understand it this well and she was the one who told me I was with an NDP person. Thank you.
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin❤
Excellent. Thanks you very much
Thank you for this interview! It is very deep and meaningful.
I've spend my half life in theraphy because of my two narcissistic parents...and of course some of my narcisisstic relationships...
I learn narcisissm for a long time...and I thought i understand almost everything about them.
But this interview gives me new "lightbulb" feelings!
Thank you so much! 🙏
Thank you Professor your content described my relationship with the narcissist to a tee! The first date criticised my clothes, chose the restaurant, declined to go to one I booked. Sat at the table joking about matches he’d got on tinder and genuinely looked shocked when I just gave him a look of disbelief! He began devaluing from day one, very subtle, as a joke. Always targeted my clothes, I now know because I love fashion. The relationship was on/off for 18 months. I was 50 and knew something was off. The last discard was on my birthday. He tried to come back 2 weeks later (over Xmas period) ghosted me the whole Xmas period when we should have been together. He came back on NYD and I rejected him and been no contact over 2 years. He did hoover, then tried blackmail, then a letter, then triangulation with a new partner who didn’t last long. I’ve stayed silent and still in recovery. Your content was the first content back when I first separated from him, that made me to begin to understand what had happened. Only now all this time later and watching more of your content, do I now know the reasons and exactly what I experienced. It’s still not easy, but I’m getting stronger each day . 💙
Thank you :)
Thank you for this fruitful collaboration!
I'm not accessible because I'm terrified of being the same as everyone and having human vulnerabilities. What they don't ever 'get' is that healthy people see that about them. It's too terrifying for them to become aware and conscious of that because they haven't developed the inner strength.
I think this guy understands an object relations and analytic view of it. And too me it's the only way to fully understand narcissism.
Damn this was accurate, truly impressive!!! I couldn‘t explain my 4year Relationship better than he 😅 How it is Even possible that it seems that all Narcs are like the „same“????
Truly that amazed me also. When I realized my narc partner had 18 out of 18 characteristics of a narcissist I was in shock. . How can they all be like that?! Weird!
Dark spirits were allowed in...
It's because it's instinctive for a traumatised child to create a false reality. We are are genetically all similar, so those hard-wired responses in infancy are pretty much the same in everyone.
Just like all kidney patients or headache sufferers (for example) have similar symptoms so people with personality disorders have similar‘symptoms’ (traits). That is why they all portray similar behavior.
Hey sam some people will try to shut you up to hide the truth that you and other grate people speak but keep up the good work i personally have alot of respect, admiration and love for the work that you do nonetheless have a great day sam
Thank you 🙏
Those words are apsolutly fantastic. Bravo
Dziękuję Daria , thank you profesor Sam 😊💚
Thank you!❤
Is this why my son's father is preoccupied with having an "alpha male" identity? He is fearful of being like everyone else and also believeshe is better than everyone. It's his excuse for everything but his understanding of an alpha male is way off. He is very misogynistic. There are so many elements overlapping its confusing.
Excellent description and explanation. Very helpful. 🙏🏻
So accurate. I finally realized with a NPD sibling, it didn’t make any difference what I did .. the diminishment and exclusion continued and escalated. I was caught in the fantasy of having a close relationship, after all , we had the same mother. When I couldn’t tolerate any more, I set boundaries and of course she played victim. It took distancing to clear the delusional gaslighting and time to accept the truth. I grieved and reparented myself with unconditional love and nurturing in the way I wish my mother had with me. First, love the one you are with…you.
An especially informative interview... THANK you. This covered MANY questions I had. I so appreciate Dr. V's willingness to be REAL. and transparent!
I really appreciate this video, thanks for making sense.
Masterpiece
Excellent summary,
( May „God“ protect you both)
My God, you are brilliant.
Daria ❤❤ I love You !! My favourites ! With prof Sam ❤
Thank you for educating us ❤
A must watch!
100% - correct. It makes sense 100% Thank you.
A guy whom I meet professionally, called me up 10 years later, spoke about the spark between us, etc etc. He knew when we first meet I had a crush on him. I was incredulous to his advances, but then my heart opened and I found myself open to reciprocation. The moment this happened he pulled back and told me he is a mirror. Now he cut communication, but is there a term for someone who will say anything you feel about him, is just a reflection of yourself?
Mirroring.
He enjoyed the supply and admiration from you and as soon as he got it, he was uninterested. Typical narc behavior. Of course you did nothing wrong. They just thrive on receiving love but not giving any in the long run. We have to keep going and be strong.
Thank you for this. 😔
Thank you for uploading all these helpful information dear Sir !
Super n deep analysis
THANK YOU.
Thank you so much ,such a valuable lesson .
Thank you sir!
My husband is a narcissist. Withdrawn cold and absent The man tries really hard. He takes a parenting course, attends 1to 1 psychotherapy group pscyhotherapies... However, it's brutal that he can't see, he can't empathically conclude things. It's much better and you can see the progress, but it's very difficult. It looks like he's learning to feel... It sounds crazy, but it's true
So, than it is good that he is learning to feel, there is hope!
How he was doing that?
Is it self reflection? Looking inside?
thank you very much
Wow that's all I can say!
Love = Loss for the narcissist. Whereas real love is a gain, because in love we can grow. It may involve loss but it always gives substance to a person.
Someone who cares for me sent me this and I agree 100%
So I’m officially an a**hole
how do I become normal? This professor keeps attacking me left and right without a solution🤷🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
Exactly.
Very good 👍
My God!!! Its the absolute truth, word by word !!
Is it okay to send this to a narcissist? Will it help him be self aware?
Narcissis can't love because they can't feel. Feel for them.
I'll tell you, I liked your suggestion that "narcissism," is more like a teenage stage of development people get stuck in and not a "disease;" that, at least, affords a man some hope of growing out of it.
it's an old expression, meaning, "me."@@backwatersandbackroads
As a former codependent narc (multiple personalities ) i hated myself so i hated others .but i had Extreme Borderline & total codependency i d attach & treat the pple i was attached to fine (but they were narc too) .i smt treated them decent enough but i had multiple personalities so i m PROB my others personality were treating them nice .anyways narcissism was one the easiest illnesses to heal for me , took me only 3-4 yrs of meditation ,,no teacher (but i was a Buddhist in pst so i was familiar with 🧘♂️ ).in me was a copying mechanism to mimic & survive my blood relatives that were very dangerous narcs .so yeas narcissism is 💯 heal able & NO i did NOT wanna heal it but i wanted to improve my health so yeah .glad it's gone anyways
Since you are on the road of Enlightenment can you Find Jesus Christ, follow his values?
❤🎉Great info!
😊
Professor where is your favorite Mini mouse cup? Haha thank you so much for giving back our lost self respect
I have a narcissist coworker that has a very close relationship with his sister. It appears that he loves his sister. Is this possible? Or perhaps thy are just close due to an abusive childhood.
This is the same as my mum and her younger sister. She treats her well and seems to love her
The narcissist's shared fantasy and codependency. Even then, what you see isn't always what is...people with NPD love no one.
In terms of parent child relationship; is the discard phase the same as in the romantic relationship? Does NPD parent discard his own child the same way he discards his/hers romantic partner? What are the dynamics? Considering NPD parent is responsible for his/hers own child, at least until the child becomes adult.
Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
Definitely. Usually around puberty when the child becomes their own person with their own ideas.
So should a narcissist abandon the idea of relationships, of family? Or act to adjust and face their downfall? Can emotions be sorted out? Is there any hope of remission? of compartmentalization?
Yes.
But then it’s normal. If they were traumatised…it’s normal they don’t want to love anyone.
Do/can Narcissists cry? If so, what does it represent?
Search the channel for “cry”.
Mine cried a looooot. Covert hypersensitive narc with bouts of rage against everyone (except me, because I was his supply). I fell for his tears which mistook for tenderness but now that he is dumping me all of a sudden by ghosting me, I see he was creating all this drama to get more attention and love, play the victim and state that he is sooo fragile and vulnerable that he is the only one who can get hurt so he can't make any changes or sacrifices for you and make the relationship more serious. But your emotions have no validity for them whatsover. They only love/hate themselves to the extreme.
@@joannaheart8167Sam has described N’s as permanent two year old toddlers in adult bodies…so crying fits…
Благодарю 🙏🏼
How do you heal ?? from a long relationship with a husband like this...when you cant stop feeling sorry for the pain they are in ? Why dont they look like they are in pain?? They just show anger and all those other emotions. If we knew they were in pain..we would help.
I think they get nurtured by self hatred and hate in general. I don't know whether I should feel sorry for him or not. He said horrible, just horrible things about people close to him, dreaming of tormenting and even killing some. Yet to me he was the sweetest and kindest person on earth just because I loved and admired him, I was the supply. Now that he is ghosting me out of the blue (blames others for the situation he's in), I can see more clearly. Yes, their mind must be a total mess. I am the empath of course who thought he could change. I feel sorry I trusted yet another narc even though I saw the red flags. They need therapy but I am not optimistic. I tried to help but he just wouldn't listen. We have to move on... Keep strong!!!
Hi! Any chance of hosting prof. Sam in Gdańsk for a seminar? Sadly, the one that was announced in 2023 was cancelled. I was/am very eager to participate...
I wish I didn‘t know that much about npd because fact is I do think I love him, and he is more than npd. Now he’s collapsing because I have tried my everything and now I’m giving up. He says he realised so much but I know I can’t take him back because I know his narcissistic defenses will come back.. it will take years, but I know that he will find his true self and find a way to live with real life. I know it will happen, won‘t wait for it tho. I hope one day you find peace within yourself my ex lover 💚
2 questions please if you could answer...
Is the narcissist aware of all these mechanisms and reasons for his behaviour?
Will it help him change if he watches this content?
Search the channel for “aware”.
Why do they hate their mother?
Some hate and some don't. They just cannot separate from her.
What if he continuously devalues but remains deeply attached and does not want to discard you?
My exwife says she loves everyone. That she falls in love easy . That she still loves me …. So what does she mean ?
Maybe it is not interesting if they can love as long you can love them😅 why to expect mutuality ? If you do not expect to be repaid you can love unimpaired❤
I dated someone who I believe was a somatic narcissist for 3 years but we did have sex regularly throughout the relationship. Does this mean he was not a narcissist at all? All of the other characteristics you give in your videos fit him perfectly though
Somatic narcissists have regular sex. Most of them are into kink and fantasies of incest or worse.
its all the thing they projected and their visions actually getting into the bones and the self care one needs seems like what they just got out of, that you are becomingjust LIKE THEM self absorbed...
Right on point
If you become a child again in the relationship with the narcissist; can your experiences in the relationship change your personality the way your childhood shaped your personality ?
No. Search the shared fantasy and the From Child to Narcissist playlists.
Arthur Miller, Death of a salesman. Culture and beliefs or personal or is it inseparable.
8:45 🎯
Hi Professor Vaknin, May I have your email address to ask you a question about the narcissist I was involved with? ❤
can you give us more info on the Crime person on trial? andrew tate? can i have a session around a family member?
If the high from narcissistic supply is so powerful, why doesn't the narcissist cathect with its source, the insignificant other? Thanks Prof. Vaknin.
Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
Karma is coming there way. A miserable life without love is life not lived well. Many many ppl they burn and abandon in their lifespan its all coming back with interest one day. And its point of singularity when they will burn to ashes inside. And mind u the interest that incurs every heart they break goes higher with each sin (discard)
Why would a narc go and get a tattoo of your name on there chest ? Just to real you back in ???
What about pets? Can BPD and BPD love pets?
Search the channel.
Great 👍 ❤
Man, the experience of love is indeed just terrible. Indeed I feel like something is going to happen. I stay alone. Fk people. Pretty sure Im not a narcissist tho.
I understand but know there are still good people out there. Look for them and the answers. Don’t give up
@@kimberlys.7097 thanks for the kind words. My life is going to be sht starting next month. Burned my bridges where I live now and they kick me out so Ill be homeless. All because emotions drive me nuts man and I behave like a crazy person over nothing. Alcohol I cope with doesnt help me either so definitley not touching that again for a while at least.
@@FearTheOldB AA Can help. And u will make friends there too 😭