Yes exactly. I was trying to explain to my other half why i cope so badly with chronic illness and adversity and i said to him, it's like jenga, i've had so many traumas already since childhood that any more and the whole thing topples. There is no room for any more.
What you do to children, they will do to society. One of my favorite quotes. Love children, indulge their creativity and don't have them if you can't take care of them well.
My parents did not have the best morals thankfully I was raised by my grandmother who encouraged to develop healthy morals. So this isn’t true but I make every effort to be the opposite of my mother because she messed up her life so much and made really bad decisions. I could never do what she did. She is so reckless and I’m so organised with my life and so structured.
@thezanarose please don't be so harsh about your mom and her bad decisions. I grew up in trauma with alcoholic and made many bad decisions. I'm 68 and still live with daily having to forgive myself. My one son is a great dad to his 3 and turned out well despite my mess ups. No one is perfect, though. He married a woman who has nothing to do with me, so I am alone because not welcome at their home. It hurts beyond words. 💔
We will never have a different childhood than the one we had. People in their 80's still get memories that they'd forgotten about pop up from time to time.
@@kimberlymacgregor9340 True. Cogent further articulation there, thank you. It's like habits as well. Everyone has them, and like memories (good and bad/perception/reactions) we must try to recreate families/supports which serve ourselves and others better whatever that means to a shared healthier more uplifting experience.
Dr. Mate makes me so incredibly proud to be Hungarian. Hungary is his country of origin. My family fled Hungary when my father was only 8 after the Russians started killing the Freedom Fighters. This was 1956. My father’s trauma lives rent free inside of me. I am doing everything in my power to break the cycle and heal, for myself and for my family, who never recovered from what they witnessed and how they had no choice but to leave their homeland. I’m 41 and only now beginning to understand the depths of my generational trauma.
It puts a huge pressure on parents (I am one and I feel so responsible now) and it also makes me want to blame my mother for all the ways she “failed” me. How can an adult come to a place of acceptance about the cards they were dealt with as infants and children? And how to accept ourselves so we’re not paralyzed by the huge task of raising our kids without messing them up? I would love some advice and thoughts from other viewers. I’m a fan and follower of Dr. Maté. I’m looking for support to make the burden of parenting and of self acceptance a little lighter.
Before becoming a parent, I thought long and hard about what I thought of my own childhood. About what my parents did right and wrong, because they did both. I was spanked, but it didn't help so I didn't do that with my children. I wasn't hugged enough, so my children were hugged and loved more . By me at least. And my parents never apologized to me for making any kind of parenting mistake. To small children, parents are godlike. Well I'm not a god, I'm human. So I told my child that I was human, and that humans make mistakes. So when I made a mistake, I immediately apologized for making a mistake . Like if I lost my temper and raised my voice and yelled at them, making them cry. I'm supposed to be the adult, in control of my emotions. So I'd give myself a brief timeout, then I'd apologize and tell them they don't deserve to be yelled at. I also wish my parents had offered me therapy, so I offered it to my children. And I wished my parents had taught me more life skills and personal relationship skills. I had no control over the other parent unfortunately. I apologized to them for my choice of partner too.
@@recoveringsoul755 thanks for taking the time to write this. I didn’t consider apologizing to my kids when I yell for example. I’ll add more of that in.
@@thelifester children tend to blame themselves for everything. We need to recognize that, and remove that self blame from them. Like if mom and dad are fighting, children might blame themselves. I learned about some child development when mine was in preschool and it really helped.
@@recoveringsoul755 Very true about the blaming... Another thing I tend to forget and even exploit subconsciously perhaps. Oh man.. Can you recommend some resources to learn more? I'm taking some courses with Dr. Neufeld like the Power to Parent course. Anything else?
@@thelifester well I got accused of being not clean enough and having too much clutter by my now ex husband all the time. So I saw part of an old Dr. Phil episode (ex wouldn't let me watch, called him a man hater and he'd yell and scream until I changed the channel while standing in front of the TV). ANYWAY, I found the website the next day and was able to read the transcript from the show. I think, for me, reading it was more helpful. But people had left comments, and so many people recommended FlyLady to help clean and get organized. So I checked out her website. She has you start by shining your kitchen sink. Building habits one at a time. She started offering ways to help children. Like the saying "Make it fun and it will get done". Or setting a timer for 15 minutes. If I tell my child to Clean their Room, what does that even mean? No matter how hard the kid tries, a bad parent can claim it's not good enough. So I was specific with my son. I asked for 2 things: put all your clothes in the laundry basket, and make your bed. Because just those 2 things made his room look 100% better. But then FlyLady pointed out another way I was screwing up my child. After he made his bed, I'd frequently go in and REMAKE the bed more perfectly. But THAT was sending the wrong message to my son, that him doing his best wasn't good enough. So it's all about positive reinforcement. The next time he cleaned his room, I asked him if he did his best making the bed, and he said yes. So I bit my tongue, and told him then it's good enough for me. And I left it....arghhh. lol You could look for her site, she has books, a great calendar, tools, and free daily reminders you can sign up for. Not all of us were taught how to clean house as kids, how to cook or do laundry. I tried to equip my kids better than I had been. But I learned new things too. When it's pointed out to me the way a child thinks, it really helps. I even use the 15 minutes timer on myself. Surprised how much cleaning I can get done in that time instead of procrastinating
that's the first step. Recognize that you were a CHILD who survived a difficult environment/situation. See that child. Soothe that child. Forgive that child. Hug that child. Protect that child. There's plenty of 'healing your inner child' work available online and in libraries.
I agree because I have experienced it. I'm 67, and I still have emotional triggers. I've just learned how to deal with it better. The pain in my heart isn't as heavy as it used to be, but the memories stay.
This is why I struggle with some spiritual teachings. For example we all have a choice how we respond to toxic people. As an adult it’s extremely hard to practice this, but as a child it’s impossible. I agree with you not everything can be a positive lesson. Not all things happen for a reason. That’s when spiritual teachings take on an aspect of toxic positivity.
Another reason why people shouldn’t have kids if they’re not capable of raising them in a safe and thriving environment. Quite honestly, wayyyy too many people be having kids like it’s the easiest thing in the world and then being held unaccountable to how the kid turned out to be.
Blah, blah, blah, fart sounds... All childhood "trauma", the majority of childhood "trauma" has nothing to do with something parents have done, you mook!
Damn. I feel like this wonderful man just answered a question I've been asking forever. I believe I act like I do because of childhood trauma. Ty Dr Gabor 😢❤
And what exactly do we learn from this as a species? What should be the conclusions? In my opinion, there should be some kind of parents license, however it should be designed.
@@Waldemar_la_Tendresse i have thought the same... At least like a requirement for a course in parenting and some therapy. I guess though all we can do though is to make healing all kinds of trauma mainstream.
Absolutely....I am proof he is correct. With PTSD from my childhood, I recently had another trauma and it devastated me and this is after significant medical/psychological therapy! Damage is done....thanks Mom & Dad.😢
I am 67. I have been praying I can start to remember my childhood. I am a privileged child. Went to intern girls schools. In Kinder, I was a hand full, as I am now! They would out me in this little wooden shack full of gardening tools, the nun would take my shoes off and tie my ankles to the legs of the bench I had to sit on. Worms, ants and even scorpions bit me. This happened many times. Today, I am hyper sensitive, a loner, but very brave. I have made 17 trips into the Darién jungle to help those crossing the jungle. Back in my day, cruelty was the norm. We were expected to be robots. Forward to my now 13 year old granddaughter. When she was in kinder, my daughter was in London for work, and I was caring for the kids. The Christian School director called me, to witness a paddling for she had broken the rules of lunch line. She poked the kid in front of her with the finger she was supposed to hold over her lips as the marched to the lunch room. I told her that if she touched my granddaughter I would go to jail and she to the hospital. I removed the kids immediately! Don’t ignore abuse against children. A five year old should be free to cling trees, pick flowers and run! God help us all, we have truly hurt eachother!
100% agree. I experienced PTSD from a horrendous medical experience. In therapy, I discovered I was more susceptible to PTSD because of early childhood trauma.
That's the nature of the beast called life..no one escapes it. If it's not the parents, it's other people, or natural, or freak disasters. NO ONE ESCAPES TRAUMA.
There is so much hope! I had a traumatic childhood, C-PTSD, but now after 3 years of therapy I am stable,, living my own life how I want to, and have developed skills to help me through tough times. I parented myself and my inner child again. I am safe now.
while it makes so much sense, those of us who did have traumatic childhoods don't want to feel like we are destined for a life sentence. While I've accepted my childhood an ddon't mourn it anymore, it still feels like it affects my future.
My father was fine, no childhood trauma. He was drafted into the US Navy during the Korean War and was never the same. He had a job as a commercial artist before he left, his work is still in our city's museum from his high school years. His relationship with my grandparents was balanced and normal, no spanking, yelling, misbehaving or anything. My old high school holds an "all class reunion" every 2 years, I have met my grandparents friends, neighbors and classmates there. Not one gave a negative account, they said he was intelligent , very nice and soft spoken. I was 14 yrs old when I noticed certain things about him, he would cry when he remembered losing friends to suicide and more. The stress of being at home one minute, graduating from high school, dating, working preparing for college one moment and sent away on a battleship with loud guns, thrown into an ocean to learn how to swim, and taking lives in another was so traumatizing that he was happy when he was passing away but, sad to leave me all alone. I work in mental health as a behavioral analyst/DV and crisis specialist for children and young adults, it doesn't always stem from childhood trauma. A person could befriend, date or marry the one who could intentionally destroy them due to their own childhood traumas. An innocent person would be unsuspecting of the depth of hatred for them that a wounded person carries.
Agree with your thoughful response. Dr Mate is very entrenched in his own diagnosis. Outcomes are consistent with a eureka moment rather than the fluidity of mental wellness. Well, an interesting source of information for a healing journey, please do not stay with him. Move on. His biochemistry and physiology is lacking and that is okay if you seek the research and the backing by replicated rigorous sciences research. But his explanation of the sympathetic response is harmful for those in chronic idiopathic pain, especially neuralgias. Studied, researched, and worked in community MH and palliative care. Marvel at the knowledge uncovered since retireing. I am grateful for the service that our military provides. That your Dad carries the sorrow and grief makes him amazing. Grief is a new lifestyle for survivors, it's not a defect.😊
I agree. Grief, trauma, guilt we all carry things differently and also differently at different times. I married a wonderful man who had a wonderful childhood and I had a very difficult one. Unfortunately he now carries grief and trauma of his own from helping me deal with my difficult chat childhood. I don’t know about this guys diagnosis, but I feel we all have something difficult to deal with at some point in our life some more than others. I don’t understand why but we choose to love we have to feel pain. And I feel like these are the people who don’t keep escape suffering, but they don’t cause a bunch of suffering for others. Bless them they help some of us wounded get through life.. I will always be grateful to my husband. Not everything stems from a bad childhood and everyone is responsible at some point for their decisions. Life can be very difficult.
I'm sorry but how the hell do you know your father had no childhood trauma? Men in the 1950's were exactly talking about their feelings openly. He could've lied to protect you and himself.
You say your grandfather was very young as he was sent to war. He was not fully developed. On the top of it he was very sensitive and had high empathy. I think traumatic events into the young adoldhood, especially to very sensitive people, might be understood as a form of late childhood trauma. When does the childhood end? Mine ended for me the day my father died and I was 30 years old. Until then I always felt like I am pretending to be a grown up but in my heart and mind I am a child. The day my dad died, everything has changed for me. I am an adult, it feels different.
This explains the difference between my friend and I. He had loving and supportive parents and thus when he experienced trauma later on, he was able to get through it and heal, whereas I've always been on my own through it all and endured trauma in childhood and so struggle to heal. But his love and friendship (and Jesus) have helped me tremendously. ❤
Since most people/parents are flawed, we need self-healing methods to move forward as adults. There is a point in adult life when the ptsd trauma needs to be settled.
Being a flawed human is not the same as inflicting abuse/neglect on your children. Your use of the word “settled” is bizarre. Sounds like you want to excuse very inexcusable behavior. Too many unfit parents having children that have no business becoming parents.
I’m not so sure, being someone with severe multiple childhood trauma, I’ve also learned how to build resilience. Survive. While I see friends with a safe childhood are chocked easily by life challenges. I wish no one trauma, but we all have some, may we succeed to heal ❤
Your friends probably had trauma in their childhood he calls them small Ts these are things which should have happened to a child but didn’t whilst a child is developing like unmet needs. He explores this in his theory. He says it’s not the trauma it’s how as a child we internalised the experience and coping mechanisms. At face value your friends had the best childhood but one never knows. I wish you all the best and well done to have find coping mechanisms to deal with trauma ❤❤
That's true. That's a disclosure Dr.Mate didn't mention. But from my experience when you find a good/ trauma informed therapyst soon you will discover some things were not "normal" as your mind made you think to hide the pain.
Yes I agree actually. I had ptsd in adulthood, not from war, but extreme abuse, (I ended up with brain damage which I think had a lot to do with the ptsd), but I see his point. Childhood stress can damage the brain as well, which can make you depressed and if you're depressed you're more likely to get ptsd, I guess as your brain is more sensitive, so it could make you more likely to get ptsd as an adult.
Obviously you can. His point is you’re more susceptible to it if you underwent some type of trauma in your childhood. If you have, your brain has formed differently and it’s a permanent change. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed forever but you’re definitely more easily triggered. There’s a difference between PTSD and C-PTSD. PTSD can be triggered by just one traumatic event in your life (giving birth, getting assaulted, family member passing away, witnessing a terrible accident) but C-PTSD is a series of traumatic events. Usually those with traumatic childhoods have C-PTSD
💯 agree. Shared this short with my best friend, a veteran, and he said 'this is bollox'. He had an amazing childhood, no trauma, no bullying etc. It was the army, seeing what he did in battle, injuries and then experiencing domestic violence and homelessness. Nothing to do with hos childhood at all
How healing are the insights , perceptions , life experience , moreover of Dr Gabor Mate's patients who are overcomers of their so called ailments . Send his messages to the four corners of the world .
Bad things that happened to my 3 Children and I when they were little changed all of us. I had a traumatic event occur as a Child from my Father who also suffered trauma as a Child. I was adamant I would break this cycle and it would be different for my Kids. So I made sure my 2 Daughters had a very happy, very loved, secure base in their Childhood. This was a wonderful life until they were 6 & 8 years old and my Son was born. (not the same father) Someone I loved and protected in many ways abused their position of authority in our justice system to intentionally pursue my demise, with impunity. I still do not understand why he chose to repeat the cycle of abuse from his Childhood and destroy me, particularly considering that I was the one person who had unconditionally loved him and remained as his support long after I should have given up. In the long run, my Girls were deeply affected but they were able to heal. Sadly, they did so while forcing me to live without them, but they are happy to my knowledge. I tried to heal us, but they were convinced there never was an "us" It's hard for me to live with that but at least they are happy, and I hang onto the hope that someday the truth of this matter will come out. My Son never got that solid base because I was not the same Mother for him that I was for them. He did not get that same beginning as they did, and he has self sabotaged his life on repeat as an adult for many years now. I feel he finds this troubled life "normal" as the pain he knew all throughout his Childhood continues as the pain he knows and lives with as an Adult. While I was strong for many years and able to heal my trauma suffered as a Child, in my old age now- that old internal dark shadow has come back to haunt me with a vengeance. Because I am his Mother, I should have been able to find a way to help him- but I failed. I feel his suffering everyday, and not a day goes by that I do not miss my Daughters and the life we once had together. I relive the painful deep sorrow of loss for him, and the wonderful life he was born into, but completely denied as our "new norm" consumed us. So in self reflection I have to agree with your assessment, the 2 of us who had a good base were able to heal and move on in a positive capacity, and the 2 of us that suffered trauma in the beginning of our lives...not so much.
I'm so sorry you went through that. 💔😞 I just wanted to let you know Jesus Christ has always loved you. He came to this fallen world, He became flesh, He suffered and died to pay for our sins, He was buried, and He rose from the dead the third day. (1 Corinthians 15:1-4) God did that so we could be saved. 🙏 Jesus has helped me personally with the effects of my childhood trauma. I'm 29 rn and got saved at 18.. I had so much dysfunction in my 20's, i often put myself in dangerous situations, but im at a point in my life where I can see how God really protected me and was with me the whole time. He is the perfect Father we all desperately need and He is kind and gracious. So I just wanted to let you know just in case you never knew that He really loves you.. God the Son died and rose again to save you, cares enough to heal and comfort you. He knows you perfectly and is a wonderful God. 🙏God bless. 💖🌷🌼😊
I don't know how they know it but everyone knows. All of the things that have happened to me are so tramatic. It doesn't matter how confident I get or how capable I am. Strangers come out of nowhere to abuse me in broad daylight and people just stand and watch. Thousands of times. Just getting verbally berated by a stranger and everyone goes: What did you do to provoke that? Your guess is as good as mine. You have watched the entirety of our acquaintance. He just decided to walk up to me and start screaming and threatening me. And you made the decision to stand there and watch. Even police officers have just stood there and watched. I don't know how they know it but they know my parents didn't love me and they know that no one's going to help me so they attack me.
You can change if you want to change, regardless of your childhood. Well a childhood is a big part of it. Don’t think you can’t evolve in living an incredibly stable life if your parents were incredibly unstable and dangerous. I’m literally living proof of that I feel so blessed how I’ve managed to turn my story around, but I’ve also done a lot of work on myself and a lot of healing. And I absolutely refuse to be anything like my parents
I have self harm issues that have been going on since I was 8 because of some "nonsense" from my childhood. The self-harm never left as they told me it would "when you get older". I seem stuck with those same trouble thoughts and feelings. Not only bullies but crap that happened at home. I think I just kind of have to live with the way that things are. I've been trying to heal but it has never happened so I just try to help others and love others. Try to that is. Most of the time I spend it isolating.
I love when I'm divinely shown something I need... I've had this EXACT question for so long. Now I have an answer from someone who knows what he's taking about. Thank you!
As a child the trauma started very young and didn't stop.. until I was 12.. my mother was a narcissist and my abuser was the golden child... up until 58 years old. I finally went no contact with my family except for my younger brother. He has major ptsd mainly for being neglected.. Our bond has been born out of the shared trauma
I know my untreated childhood trauma led me to relive the horrors of it still through my family, and my relationships with men, and so called friends. It was just a repetitive cycle of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and betrayal my whole life and I do have trauma from adulthood, as well. I lived this way until I discovered CPTSD and that I was afflicted by it and started doing the work for the recovery process. It’s arduous work but well worth it and much better than the alternative.
I would love to speak with you Gabor Mate. You hold the key of understanding that would help me fill in the blanks. You are a beautiful skilled genius who is so insightful and wise.
in islam: we are told that we must be very vigilant and watchful over our kids until the age of 7. You must be very protective and if u can homeschool them do so. Because what they experience and learn in that time not only stays in their memory, it shapes their opinion of the world and their role in it. Kids are so precious and fragile and must be protected most in society😢
When is humanity going to take responsibility for continuing to create circumstances that perpetuate trauma...be it in childhood or adulthood??? I can't believe the interviewer's question?! PTSD used to be called "Shell Shock" when young men came out of the WW's... Then, similar reactions were noticed in response to other situations (motor vehicle accidents, illness, divorce, job loss, and nnot just experiencing a traumatic event but witnessing it) 911, Palestine, Gaza, Ukraine, Bosnia, Libya, Irak... So many more children & adults being exposed to & experiencing tragic & atrocious events And humanity continues to watch it on media...which also can traumatize people at any age ...causing nightmares & more As for the stats, it's dependant upon how many report their symptoms. Most people do their best to override inner turmoil. Hence, the numbers are much higher. PTSD is basically a normal response to abnormal events.
Yes yes yes. I've been diagnosed with PTSD every year since I was 10. Now anytime something "bad" or "traumatic" happens I am not okay at all. I never knew what flashbacks were til I KNEW what a flashback is and my body can't take it anymore.
I remember his story about the doctor telling a mother right when the Nazis took power, "Ma'am all the Jewish babies are crying" an interesting study in mass stress affecting new borns
It goes deeper than that as the parents aren’t onto what’s actually going on in which you see from their behaviour. Behaviour is systemic it’s easily traceable. It’s called pressure, which is politics. Expectation is nailed into the skull to make it a belief. Belief is so toxic but manipulatively communicates innocence. Next thing you know families break down. And nobody knows why. But for the one who’s actually watching.
He is a blessing to me cause right now i am trying to heal from all the truth i had just discivered about myself..that my mother is a covert narc and also one of my sister. I grew up so afraid in social situations, cannot assert myself and my views, beliefs and cannot express my thoughts freely. i realized how traumatized i am as a child being a scapegoat of a dysfunctional family. I prayed so hard that i do not want to be a badjust because of my experiences, i wanted to improve myself and leaen how to deal with my preaent life now knowing what i had been made from my childhood.Mr Gabor came timely since i am now listenibg to podcasts on how to heal..he is by far the only person i can relate to because all of his observations, analizations and learned wisdom about trauma is what i realized too..i just thought we share the same idea and its validating that i am not just imagining or analyzing things but it has a medical back up from an experienced doctor..thank you so much Mr Gabor Mate. God bless you.😊
I wish I had someone like Maté in my family, he seems like such a fountain of warmth and empathy - a safe place where one might retreat when feeling overwhelmed. As a Muslim revert I was so touched when he spoke of leaving Zionism; he evidently desired a homeland but purged this yearning for the sake of the Palestinian people when he realised it was at their expense - there will always be a special place in my heart for him because of that. May Allah guide him. ♥️
This man held me so much an has made me become a better person an all of most a better dad I love him so much.. so thank u so much gabor mate' u are more positive than u will ever know my kids have my best years of me so thank u❤
Not necessarily. I had a great childhood, but have so much to deal with as an adult. I’m working two jobs, and helping to raise my nephew. I also contribute to groceries, Costco items, and the use of my car.
Well I went through parental alienation and I had a wonderful childhood and that destroyed me. Destroyed my entire life. And I was once solid as a rock. Now I will never be that person ever again. All that was formed was demolished
I agree with this but don't feel comfortable being anymore specific about the trauma. I really appreciate this video. So comforting but sad too. Hard to know what to do to heal.❤❤❤
I relate , I understand ! Understanding comes from experience! My own experience! Gabor is so Right On ,his understanding comes by his own work on himself !!! I "GET IT" ❗
It's kindof frustrating to hear this because I definitely experienced one of the most traumatic years of my life with a medical crisis at 24 and it was the most extreme "before" and "after moment of my entire life. I had some unhappy experiences as a child, but none of them have had anywhere near the same detrimental impact of my medical PTSD.
I'd wondered about whether adulthood traumas had the same level of impact as childhood. But I've always seen personally within myself and others signs of deep rooted childhood nurturing deficiencies. It does make sense.
The greatest predictors of pathology post a traumatic event (PTSD) are intensity of the event (ie., how dangerous, damaging, profound, or disabling), and level of support or betrayal at the time or after. I’m sure that the precedent of childhood trauma is deeply impacting, but adult traumas can certainly create pathology even without it. (HOGE, C.W, MD. 2010. “Once Warrior, always a warrior”. Lyons Press, CT.
It makes sense to me. I see it from my brother and I see it in me. Unfortunately, now adult us has to suffer and try to get ourselves out of it. Will it stop? We don't know. Can it get better? Not entirely. But, we acknowledge it, we recognize we went through it and we appreciate everything we have at this moment. If not for those, where could we be now?
I was physically abused by my father! He believed in capital punishment as a form of discipline. I am presently suffering from severe anxiety. All you’ve said makes sense.
Hi, I am in my sixties, and I suffered from anxiety my whole life. I was abandoned by both parents. my grandmother raised me, but she could be very cruel for a few years. I have been walking 2 or 3 miles in the morning, and at night, I have to walk at least a mile to be able to minimize my anxiety without meds and fall asleep. You look very young in your picture. I am so sorry about what happened to you. Best wishes to you and your future.
My grandparents were both holocaust survivors. My grandfather was put on a train and sent to England at 10, he grew up in safety but never saw his family again. My grandma was in the Warsaw Ghetto with her family until 13 or 14, facing starvation and the terror of Nazi occupation, and then separated from her parents and taken to Belsen. Her parents died in Auschwitz. Although my grandma's experience seemed more traumatic, she was a far more balanced and contented person than my grandpa, who struggled with depression and paranoia. Once I asked her why she thought that was, and she said, "He didn't get as long with his parents, being loved".
My 70 year old father told me the day before he died from a massive heart attack that his father always told him he was doing things wrong. Always showed him a better way. He said he still had an inferiority complex because of it. He was determined not to do that to his kids.
This makes so much sense. Sometimes people don't have any more room left to absorb the blows.
This
@@stingray0033 interesting comment🤔
Yes exactly. I was trying to explain to my other half why i cope so badly with chronic illness and adversity and i said to him, it's like jenga, i've had so many traumas already since childhood that any more and the whole thing topples. There is no room for any more.
Well said! I have explained that I’m a full glass of water under a faucet. Spilling over, no room.
@@robynhope219 all of your comments seem to lack empathy.
What you do to children, they will do to society. One of my favorite quotes. Love children, indulge their creativity and don't have them if you can't take care of them well.
My parents did not have the best morals thankfully I was raised by my grandmother who encouraged to develop healthy morals. So this isn’t true but I make every effort to be the opposite of my mother because she messed up her life so much and made really bad decisions. I could never do what she did. She is so reckless and I’m so organised with my life and so structured.
Thank you for this quote, I’m taking notes!
That's why society is so f'd up. Too many f'd up people having f'd up kids. I was one of them so I'm not judging just observing
@thezanarose please don't be so harsh about your mom and her bad decisions. I grew up in trauma with alcoholic and made many bad decisions. I'm 68 and still live with daily having to forgive myself. My one son is a great dad to his 3 and turned out well despite my mess ups. No one is perfect, though. He married a woman who has nothing to do with me, so I am alone because not welcome at their home. It hurts beyond words. 💔
Sadly a redundant remark for the UK.
We will never have a different childhood than the one we had. People in their 80's still get memories that they'd forgotten about pop up from time to time.
Memories are not the same as intrusive thoughts. Memories are generally pleasant. PTSD causes intrusive thoughts. Completely different.
@@kimberlymacgregor9340
True. Cogent further articulation there, thank you. It's like habits as well. Everyone has them, and like memories (good and bad/perception/reactions) we must try to recreate families/supports which serve ourselves and others better whatever that means to a shared healthier more uplifting experience.
And we can relearn & reteach our brains into better pathways.
@@msv9637 To a degree, not entirely.
I have to start listening to this man.
Bit of a bold claim
You won't regret it. Every interview he does I learn something new and ancient at the same time.
@@bloom4096 oh, pls...there is no bigger trauma expert than Dr. Bessel van der Kolk..this man actually has answers.
Check out his book "The Myth of Normal"... So so good
@@mastersamurai7683 yeah, The Body Knows the Score is much better
Dr. Mate makes me so incredibly proud to be Hungarian. Hungary is his country of origin. My family fled Hungary when my father was only 8 after the Russians started killing the Freedom Fighters. This was 1956. My father’s trauma lives rent free inside of me. I am doing everything in my power to break the cycle and heal, for myself and for my family, who never recovered from what they witnessed and how they had no choice but to leave their homeland. I’m 41 and only now beginning to understand the depths of my generational trauma.
Everything this man says is absolutely right
Always
Thats so true ❤
No it's not don't listen to him
@@kathsspencer1282why
The science disagree
He says what people want to hear.@@kathsspencer1282
TOTALLY agree!! I never felt safe growing up, and that has carried over decades...
It puts a huge pressure on parents (I am one and I feel so responsible now) and it also makes me want to blame my mother for all the ways she “failed” me. How can an adult come to a place of acceptance about the cards they were dealt with as infants and children? And how to accept ourselves so we’re not paralyzed by the huge task of raising our kids without messing them up? I would love some advice and thoughts from other viewers. I’m a fan and follower of Dr. Maté. I’m looking for support to make the burden of parenting and of self acceptance a little lighter.
Before becoming a parent, I thought long and hard about what I thought of my own childhood. About what my parents did right and wrong, because they did both.
I was spanked, but it didn't help so I didn't do that with my children. I wasn't hugged enough, so my children were hugged and loved more . By me at least. And my parents never apologized to me for making any kind of parenting mistake. To small children, parents are godlike.
Well I'm not a god, I'm human. So I told my child that I was human, and that humans make mistakes. So when I made a mistake, I immediately apologized for making a mistake . Like if I lost my temper and raised my voice and yelled at them, making them cry. I'm supposed to be the adult, in control of my emotions. So I'd give myself a brief timeout, then I'd apologize and tell them they don't deserve to be yelled at.
I also wish my parents had offered me therapy, so I offered it to my children. And I wished my parents had taught me more life skills and personal relationship skills.
I had no control over the other parent unfortunately. I apologized to them for my choice of partner too.
@@recoveringsoul755 thanks for taking the time to write this. I didn’t consider apologizing to my kids when I yell for example. I’ll add more of that in.
@@thelifester children tend to blame themselves for everything. We need to recognize that, and remove that self blame from them. Like if mom and dad are fighting, children might blame themselves. I learned about some child development when mine was in preschool and it really helped.
@@recoveringsoul755 Very true about the blaming... Another thing I tend to forget and even exploit subconsciously perhaps. Oh man.. Can you recommend some resources to learn more? I'm taking some courses with Dr. Neufeld like the Power to Parent course. Anything else?
@@thelifester well I got accused of being not clean enough and having too much clutter by my now ex husband all the time. So I saw part of an old Dr. Phil episode (ex wouldn't let me watch, called him a man hater and he'd yell and scream until I changed the channel while standing in front of the TV). ANYWAY, I found the website the next day and was able to read the transcript from the show. I think, for me, reading it was more helpful. But people had left comments, and so many people recommended FlyLady to help clean and get organized. So I checked out her website.
She has you start by shining your kitchen sink. Building habits one at a time. She started offering ways to help children. Like the saying "Make it fun and it will get done". Or setting a timer for 15 minutes. If I tell my child to Clean their Room, what does that even mean? No matter how hard the kid tries, a bad parent can claim it's not good enough.
So I was specific with my son. I asked for 2 things: put all your clothes in the laundry basket, and make your bed. Because just those 2 things made his room look 100% better. But then FlyLady pointed out another way I was screwing up my child. After he made his bed, I'd frequently go in and REMAKE the bed more perfectly. But THAT was sending the wrong message to my son, that him doing his best wasn't good enough. So it's all about positive reinforcement. The next time he cleaned his room, I asked him if he did his best making the bed, and he said yes. So I bit my tongue, and told him then it's good enough for me. And I left it....arghhh. lol
You could look for her site, she has books, a great calendar, tools, and free daily reminders you can sign up for. Not all of us were taught how to clean house as kids, how to cook or do laundry. I tried to equip my kids better than I had been. But I learned new things too. When it's pointed out to me the way a child thinks, it really helps.
I even use the 15 minutes timer on myself. Surprised how much cleaning I can get done in that time instead of procrastinating
Damn how do we heal our young selves? It’s so hard when you’ve believed negatively about yourself for so long
that's the first step. Recognize that you were a CHILD who survived a difficult environment/situation. See that child. Soothe that child. Forgive that child. Hug that child. Protect that child. There's plenty of 'healing your inner child' work available online and in libraries.
I agree because I have experienced it. I'm 67, and I still have emotional triggers. I've just learned how to deal with it better. The pain in my heart isn't as heavy as it used to be, but the memories stay.
o jeez...😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
So true, same here,
Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.
Pema Chodron
Facts
What does having abusive, alcoholic, violent parents “teach” innocent children, exactly?
This is why I struggle with some spiritual teachings. For example we all have a choice how we respond to toxic people. As an adult it’s extremely hard to practice this, but as a child it’s impossible. I agree with you not everything can be a positive lesson. Not all things happen for a reason. That’s when spiritual teachings take on an aspect of toxic positivity.
@@alexpavlides2047 nothing happens for a reason...we live in a random, chaotic world. ☹️
@@gottalovetheinternetat surface level hopefully not to be like them
Which who knows what all that might imply
I can confirm. The worst of the worst happened to me as an adult but it wasn't still as bad as what happened to me as a toddler.
Another reason why people shouldn’t have kids if they’re not capable of raising them in a safe and thriving environment. Quite honestly, wayyyy too many people be having kids like it’s the easiest thing in the world and then being held unaccountable to how the kid turned out to be.
Blah, blah, blah, fart sounds...
All childhood "trauma", the majority of childhood "trauma" has nothing to do with something parents have done, you mook!
THIS.
Amen. I strongly believe that if you don't have a village, please don't have kids.
And, by extension, why it's best to be pro-choice. Children really aren't for everyone.
I’ve always said adults wanting to have kids should have to sit a parenting aptitude exam.
Damn. I feel like this wonderful man just answered a question I've been asking forever. I believe I act like I do because of childhood trauma. Ty Dr Gabor 😢❤
This is my kind of person. It always goes back to childhood
And what exactly do we learn from this as a species? What should be the conclusions?
In my opinion, there should be some kind of parents license, however it should be designed.
@@Waldemar_la_Tendresse i have thought the same... At least like a requirement for a course in parenting and some therapy.
I guess though all we can do though is to make healing all kinds of trauma mainstream.
@@captainbarbosa6567
I think and we need to do much more than just THAT.
@@Waldemar_la_Tendresse they literally said "At least"!
@@v4nilla20
Sounds exactly how politician talk to me. "We will do at least ..." and in the end pretty nothing good happens.
Very eloquent wise man, everyone needs to hear him speaking
Absolutely....I am proof he is correct. With PTSD from my childhood, I recently had another trauma and it devastated me and this is after significant medical/psychological therapy! Damage is done....thanks Mom & Dad.😢
Psilocybin needed
Our parents, just like us, were children and that's where it was learned for them, whether they all believe it happened or talk about it or not?
Yes , im living it. Especially if younwere stuck in same experience over years
clicked on this just to hear his voice again. Something incredibly soothing about it
@@SD-rl3pf he cultivated that soothing voice...that's his job!
I totally agree 👍 Best doctor on the internet
@@BrutalParanoia that doesn't make him the best doctor on the internet...words are CHEAP!
Deeper voices effect our bodies mind minds in interesting ways. Deep voices are proven to calm us, while higher pitched voices do the opposite lol
@@AD-eg9cw well, I guess he got that one right, but I don't like listening to him bc he talks fast and mumbles.
I am 67. I have been praying I can start to remember my childhood. I am a privileged child. Went to intern girls schools. In Kinder, I was a hand full, as I am now! They would out me in this little wooden shack full of gardening tools, the nun would take my shoes off and tie my ankles to the legs of the bench I had to sit on.
Worms, ants and even scorpions bit me. This happened many times.
Today, I am hyper sensitive, a loner, but very brave. I have made 17 trips into the Darién jungle to help those crossing the jungle.
Back in my day, cruelty was the norm. We were expected to be robots.
Forward to my now 13 year old granddaughter. When she was in kinder, my daughter was in London for work, and I was caring for the kids.
The Christian School director called me, to witness a paddling for she had broken the rules of lunch line.
She poked the kid in front of her with the finger she was supposed to hold over her lips as the marched to the lunch room.
I told her that if she touched my granddaughter I would go to jail and she to the hospital.
I removed the kids immediately!
Don’t ignore abuse against children. A five year old should be free to cling trees, pick flowers and run!
God help us all, we have truly hurt eachother!
Your granddaughter is blessed to have you family should look after each other ❤
Agree with you...we were abused😢
That's horrifying. How could they do that to you?
@@MejganZia they still do in many Christian schools. Beating Jesus into children will never work! Never!
100% agree. I experienced PTSD from a horrendous medical experience. In therapy, I discovered I was more susceptible to PTSD because of early childhood trauma.
I feel bad knowing how many kids already had been through it. Traumatic childhood.
That's the nature of the beast called life..no one escapes it. If it's not the parents, it's other people, or natural, or freak disasters. NO ONE ESCAPES TRAUMA.
There is so much hope! I had a traumatic childhood, C-PTSD, but now after 3 years of therapy I am stable,, living my own life how I want to, and have developed skills to help me through tough times. I parented myself and my inner child again. I am safe now.
@@kartsupirtsuyou are admirable and very brave to have gotten though it. I know firsthand how difficult it can be at times
@@Will140f Thank you love! Your message means a lot.
Whıch therapies have you taken?
Oh my god this makes so much sense. Wow
while it makes so much sense, those of us who did have traumatic childhoods don't want to feel like we are destined for a life sentence. While I've accepted my childhood an ddon't mourn it anymore, it still feels like it affects my future.
My father was fine, no childhood trauma. He was drafted into the US Navy during the Korean War and was never the same. He had a job as a commercial artist before he left, his work is still in our city's museum from his high school years. His relationship with my grandparents was balanced and normal, no spanking, yelling, misbehaving or anything. My old high school holds an "all class reunion" every 2 years, I have met my grandparents friends, neighbors and classmates there. Not one gave a negative account, they said he was intelligent , very nice and soft spoken. I was 14 yrs old when I noticed certain things about him, he would cry when he remembered losing friends to suicide and more. The stress of being at home one minute, graduating from high school, dating, working preparing for college one moment and sent away on a battleship with loud guns, thrown into an ocean to learn how to swim, and taking lives in another was so traumatizing that he was happy when he was passing away but, sad to leave me all alone.
I work in mental health as a behavioral analyst/DV and crisis specialist for children and young adults, it doesn't always stem from childhood trauma. A person could befriend, date or marry the one who could intentionally destroy them due to their own childhood traumas. An innocent person would be unsuspecting of the depth of hatred for them that a wounded person carries.
You have given me something to think about 🙏
Agree with your thoughful response.
Dr Mate is very entrenched in his own diagnosis. Outcomes are consistent with a eureka moment rather than the fluidity of mental wellness. Well, an interesting source of information for a healing journey, please do not stay with him. Move on.
His biochemistry and physiology is lacking and that is okay if you seek the research and the backing by replicated rigorous sciences research. But his explanation of the sympathetic response is harmful for those in chronic idiopathic pain, especially neuralgias. Studied, researched, and worked in community MH and palliative care. Marvel at the knowledge uncovered since retireing.
I am grateful for the service that our military provides. That your Dad carries the sorrow and grief makes him amazing.
Grief is a new lifestyle for survivors, it's not a defect.😊
I agree. Grief, trauma, guilt we all carry things differently and also differently at different times. I married a wonderful man who had a wonderful childhood and I had a very difficult one. Unfortunately he now carries grief and trauma of his own from helping me deal with my difficult chat childhood. I don’t know about this guys diagnosis, but I feel we all have something difficult to deal with at some point in our life some more than others. I don’t understand why but we choose to love we have to feel pain. And I feel like these are the people who don’t keep escape suffering, but they don’t cause a bunch of suffering for others. Bless them they help some of us wounded get through life.. I will always be grateful to my husband. Not everything stems from a bad childhood and everyone is responsible at some point for their decisions. Life can be very difficult.
I'm sorry but how the hell do you know your father had no childhood trauma? Men in the 1950's were exactly talking about their feelings openly. He could've lied to protect you and himself.
You say your grandfather was very young as he was sent to war. He was not fully developed. On the top of it he was very sensitive and had high empathy. I think traumatic events into the young adoldhood, especially to very sensitive people, might be understood as a form of late childhood trauma. When does the childhood end? Mine ended for me the day my father died and I was 30 years old. Until then I always felt like I am pretending to be a grown up but in my heart and mind I am a child. The day my dad died, everything has changed for me. I am an adult, it feels different.
Dr Gabor Maté is a gift to humanity! I love his works. ❤
Oh yes!! I am a psychotherapist and I feel so validated and elated that his teachings reflect the work I was/am doing anyway. I absolutely adore him
Wow Psychotherapist! Such a compassionate and admiral profession.😊
@@emmawalton1849 many psychotherapists are psycho..no secret!
@@EvesRevenge no, he isn't...do uk why his ego is so BIG? Because of ppl like u !!
Yes I love his books and he just knows what he is talking about and has so much compassion. I Admire Doctor Gabor so much!
Dr Maté is a super empath.
Just for appearances...
@@robynhope219
No, his life work is not about appearances.
@@Gaeliclass I will not argue...I know what ik!!
@@robynhope219
You started the argument 🙄 not I.
😂
This explains the difference between my friend and I.
He had loving and supportive parents and thus when he experienced trauma later on, he was able to get through it and heal, whereas I've always been on my own through it all and endured trauma in childhood and so struggle to heal.
But his love and friendship (and Jesus) have helped me tremendously.
❤
Wow!! This explains why some people get this and others don’t!
Greeeeaaatttt… I know this to be true and have heard it so many times, but it just doesn’t give me much hope for my own healing or change.
He is bang-on.
Since most people/parents are flawed, we need self-healing methods to move forward as adults. There is a point in adult life when the ptsd trauma needs to be settled.
What exactly does "settled" mean in your reality?
@sandarahcatmom9897 thanks for your kind question. "Settled" as in come to terms with. That answer should help your reality.
@@AnnMitt Thanks.
Being a flawed human is not the same as inflicting abuse/neglect on your children. Your use of the word “settled” is bizarre. Sounds like you want to excuse very inexcusable behavior. Too many unfit parents having children that have no business becoming parents.
@@kimberlymacgregor9340 you seem bizarre. Be more concerned with your brain and not my comment.
Love this man he so gets it! Definitely trauma starts in childhood, no question!!❤️🙏🇮🇪
'Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man'
Who said this?
@@Will140f a catholic priest
@@Siddhartha040107 🤣🤣🤣 you ain't isht 💀
@@Siddhartha040107 hahahah but who else
@@Will140f Aristotle allegedly
This man saved me!
From what?
The world isa much better place with you in it Gabor 🤗
I’m not so sure, being someone with severe multiple childhood trauma, I’ve also learned how to build resilience. Survive. While I see friends with a safe childhood are chocked easily by life challenges. I wish no one trauma, but we all have some, may we succeed to heal ❤
Your friends probably had trauma in their childhood he calls them small Ts these are things which should have happened to a child but didn’t whilst a child is developing like unmet needs. He explores this in his theory. He says it’s not the trauma it’s how as a child we internalised the experience and coping mechanisms. At face value your friends had the best childhood but one never knows. I wish you all the best and well done to have find coping mechanisms to deal with trauma ❤❤
I'm a trained psychologist and I still learn from Dr. Mate.
You can still have you PTSD from war even if you had a normal childhood.
That's true. That's a disclosure Dr.Mate didn't mention. But from my experience when you find a good/ trauma informed therapyst soon you will discover some things were not "normal" as your mind made you think to hide the pain.
agree
Yes I agree actually. I had ptsd in adulthood, not from war, but extreme abuse, (I ended up with brain damage which I think had a lot to do with the ptsd), but I see his point. Childhood stress can damage the brain as well, which can make you depressed and if you're depressed you're more likely to get ptsd, I guess as your brain is more sensitive, so it could make you more likely to get ptsd as an adult.
Obviously you can. His point is you’re more susceptible to it if you underwent some type of trauma in your childhood. If you have, your brain has formed differently and it’s a permanent change. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed forever but you’re definitely more easily triggered. There’s a difference between PTSD and C-PTSD. PTSD can be triggered by just one traumatic event in your life (giving birth, getting assaulted, family member passing away, witnessing a terrible accident) but C-PTSD is a series of traumatic events. Usually those with traumatic childhoods have C-PTSD
💯 agree. Shared this short with my best friend, a veteran, and he said 'this is bollox'. He had an amazing childhood, no trauma, no bullying etc. It was the army, seeing what he did in battle, injuries and then experiencing domestic violence and homelessness. Nothing to do with hos childhood at all
#1 This man is sooooo educated! #2 his voice is 1000000% unintentional ASMR💞🕊️
So educated? 😂 what you mean? Weird compliment
How healing are the insights , perceptions , life experience , moreover of Dr Gabor Mate's patients who are overcomers of their so called ailments . Send his messages to the four corners of the world .
You say more helpful words altogether. TY. So calming.
Bad things that happened to my 3 Children and I when they were little changed all of us. I had a traumatic event occur as a Child from my Father who also suffered trauma as a Child. I was adamant I would break this cycle and it would be different for my Kids. So I made sure my 2 Daughters had a very happy, very loved, secure base in their Childhood. This was a wonderful life until they were 6 & 8 years old and my Son was born. (not the same father) Someone I loved and protected in many ways abused their position of authority in our justice system to intentionally pursue my demise, with impunity. I still do not understand why he chose to repeat the cycle of abuse from his Childhood and destroy me, particularly considering that I was the one person who had unconditionally loved him and remained as his support long after I should have given up. In the long run, my Girls were deeply affected but they were able to heal. Sadly, they did so while forcing me to live without them, but they are happy to my knowledge. I tried to heal us, but they were convinced there never was an "us" It's hard for me to live with that but at least they are happy, and I hang onto the hope that someday the truth of this matter will come out. My Son never got that solid base because I was not the same Mother for him that I was for them. He did not get that same beginning as they did, and he has self sabotaged his life on repeat as an adult for many years now. I feel he finds this troubled life "normal" as the pain he knew all throughout his Childhood continues as the pain he knows and lives with as an Adult. While I was strong for many years and able to heal my trauma suffered as a Child, in my old age now- that old internal dark shadow has come back to haunt me with a vengeance. Because I am his Mother, I should have been able to find a way to help him- but I failed. I feel his suffering everyday, and not a day goes by that I do not miss my Daughters and the life we once had together. I relive the painful deep sorrow of loss for him, and the wonderful life he was born into, but completely denied as our "new norm" consumed us. So in self reflection I have to agree with your assessment, the 2 of us who had a good base were able to heal and move on in a positive capacity, and the 2 of us that suffered trauma in the beginning of our lives...not so much.
I couldn’t agree more. Being SA from 4-7 definitely impacted everything
I'm so sorry you went through that. 💔😞
I just wanted to let you know Jesus Christ has always loved you. He came to this fallen world, He became flesh, He suffered and died to pay for our sins, He was buried, and He rose from the dead the third day. (1 Corinthians 15:1-4) God did that so we could be saved. 🙏
Jesus has helped me personally with the effects of my childhood trauma. I'm 29 rn and got saved at 18.. I had so much dysfunction in my 20's, i often put myself in dangerous situations, but im at a point in my life where I can see how God really protected me and was with me the whole time. He is the perfect Father we all desperately need and He is kind and gracious.
So I just wanted to let you know just in case you never knew that He really loves you.. God the Son died and rose again to save you, cares enough to heal and comfort you. He knows you perfectly and is a wonderful God. 🙏God bless. 💖🌷🌼😊
@@impulsive3139 🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing. God bless 🙏
Why is this not mainstream knowledge especially mental health services
Much gratitude to you
Give me a child for 7 yrs and I will show you the man. Already known.
A real treasure, Gabor is, to so many.
I love Dr Mate'! Blessings to you and your family.
What an enlightened man , bless this fellow
This guy is awesome. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
He have helped me to understand the patterns that was stuck in my bloodline/the biological family I was born into.
Childhood is eternal.
I don't know how they know it but everyone knows. All of the things that have happened to me are so tramatic. It doesn't matter how confident I get or how capable I am. Strangers come out of nowhere to abuse me in broad daylight and people just stand and watch.
Thousands of times.
Just getting verbally berated by a stranger and everyone goes:
What did you do to provoke that?
Your guess is as good as mine. You have watched the entirety of our acquaintance. He just decided to walk up to me and start screaming and threatening me.
And you made the decision to stand there and watch.
Even police officers have just stood there and watched. I don't know how they know it but they know my parents didn't love me and they know that no one's going to help me so they attack me.
I don't believe that at all, my childhood was fine, I had a traumatic experience as an adult and that's causing my PTSD.
Im glad that at least one person exist in this universe who doesn't put all the blame on ignorant parents
Dr. Gabor Mate is brilliant
Good question great response.
Any one how is wanting to hav a family should find an listen to this man
I totally agree with this. Triggers will always be with you
@@chelsie116 yes, but less so with the passage of time.
@@robynhope219The old adage says that Time Heals All Wounds.
@@deannahirbawi7639 time lessens it would be more correct...I'm not hurting as much as I used to.
You can change if you want to change, regardless of your childhood. Well a childhood is a big part of it. Don’t think you can’t evolve in living an incredibly stable life if your parents were incredibly unstable and dangerous. I’m literally living proof of that I feel so blessed how I’ve managed to turn my story around, but I’ve also done a lot of work on myself and a lot of healing. And I absolutely refuse to be anything like my parents
I have self harm issues that have been going on since I was 8 because of some "nonsense" from my childhood. The self-harm never left as they told me it would "when you get older". I seem stuck with those same trouble thoughts and feelings. Not only bullies but crap that happened at home. I think I just kind of have to live with the way that things are. I've been trying to heal but it has never happened so I just try to help others and love others. Try to that is. Most of the time I spend it isolating.
I love when I'm divinely shown something I need... I've had this EXACT question for so long. Now I have an answer from someone who knows what he's taking about. Thank you!
Excellent question and excellent response. Treat kids with respect and kindness and love.
I have been listening to him, for quite a while and always am rewarded with new insight.
I think I'm dying. It's possibly a blessing for me and others. 💔
As a child the trauma started very young and didn't stop.. until I was 12.. my mother was a narcissist and my abuser was the golden child... up until 58 years old. I finally went no contact with my family except for my younger brother. He has major ptsd mainly for being neglected..
Our bond has been born out of the shared trauma
I know my untreated childhood trauma led me to relive the horrors of it still through my family, and my relationships with men, and so called friends. It was just a repetitive cycle of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and betrayal my whole life and I do have trauma from adulthood, as well. I lived this way until I discovered CPTSD and that I was afflicted by it and started doing the work for the recovery process. It’s arduous work but well worth it and much better than the alternative.
I would love to speak with you Gabor Mate. You hold the key of understanding that would help me fill in the blanks. You are a beautiful skilled genius who is so insightful and wise.
O, pls, don't overstate him..he is no genius. A clever businessman, I give him that!
Excellent question, interesting facts. Thank you both! 🙏 🕊 ❤✨️
I’ve always wondered about this. It makes so much sense
Thank you, Gabor
in islam: we are told that we must be very vigilant and watchful over our kids until the age of 7. You must be very protective and if u can homeschool them do so. Because what they experience and learn in that time not only stays in their memory, it shapes their opinion of the world and their role in it. Kids are so precious and fragile and must be protected most in society😢
I have reason to believe that this is true. A lot makes sense for me and my family.
Dr. Mate has wonderful insight into Childhood Trauma...smart guy. Thanks Gabor.
When is humanity going to take responsibility for continuing to create circumstances that perpetuate trauma...be it in childhood or adulthood???
I can't believe the interviewer's question?!
PTSD used to be called "Shell Shock" when young men came out of the WW's...
Then, similar reactions were noticed in response to other situations (motor vehicle accidents, illness, divorce, job loss, and nnot just experiencing a traumatic event but witnessing it)
911, Palestine, Gaza, Ukraine, Bosnia, Libya, Irak...
So many more children & adults being exposed to & experiencing tragic & atrocious events
And humanity continues to watch it on media...which also can traumatize people at any age ...causing nightmares & more
As for the stats, it's dependant upon how many report their symptoms. Most people do their best to override inner turmoil. Hence, the numbers are much higher.
PTSD is basically a normal response to abnormal events.
Yes yes yes. I've been diagnosed with PTSD every year since I was 10. Now anytime something "bad" or "traumatic" happens I am not okay at all. I never knew what flashbacks were til I KNEW what a flashback is and my body can't take it anymore.
I remember his story about the doctor telling a mother right when the Nazis took power, "Ma'am all the Jewish babies are crying" an interesting study in mass stress affecting new borns
It goes deeper than that as the parents aren’t onto what’s actually going on in which you see from their behaviour. Behaviour is systemic it’s easily traceable. It’s called pressure, which is politics. Expectation is nailed into the skull to make it a belief. Belief is so toxic but manipulatively communicates innocence. Next thing you know families break down. And nobody knows why. But for the one who’s actually watching.
He is a blessing to me cause right now i am trying to heal from all the truth i had just discivered about myself..that my mother is a covert narc and also one of my sister. I grew up so afraid in social situations, cannot assert myself and my views, beliefs and cannot express my thoughts freely. i realized how traumatized i am as a child being a scapegoat of a dysfunctional family. I prayed so hard that i do not want to be a badjust because of my experiences, i wanted to improve myself and leaen how to deal with my preaent life now knowing what i had been made from my childhood.Mr Gabor came timely since i am now listenibg to podcasts on how to heal..he is by far the only person i can relate to because all of his observations, analizations and learned wisdom about trauma is what i realized too..i just thought we share the same idea and its validating that i am not just imagining or analyzing things but it has a medical back up from an experienced doctor..thank you so much Mr Gabor Mate. God bless you.😊
I wish I had someone like Maté in my family, he seems like such a fountain of warmth and empathy - a safe place where one might retreat when feeling overwhelmed. As a Muslim revert I was so touched when he spoke of leaving Zionism; he evidently desired a homeland but purged this yearning for the sake of the Palestinian people when he realised it was at their expense - there will always be a special place in my heart for him because of that. May Allah guide him. ♥️
This man held me so much an has made me become a better person an all of most a better dad I love him so much.. so thank u so much gabor mate' u are more positive than u will ever know my kids have my best years of me so thank u❤
Not necessarily. I had a great childhood, but have so much to deal with as an adult. I’m working two jobs, and helping to raise my nephew. I also contribute to groceries, Costco items, and the use of my car.
Well I went through parental alienation and I had a wonderful childhood and that destroyed me. Destroyed my entire life. And I was once solid as a rock. Now I will never be that person ever again. All that was formed was demolished
FACTS!!! This man is so smart.
I can’t put it into words but I am 100% experiencing this in my life right now.
Let them swim in your love and attention,
don’t be absent physically or emotionally.
This is the most important thing you will ever do.
Man's a gift❤❤❤
Such wise words,Thank you😇❤🙏🏼
I agree with this but don't feel comfortable being anymore specific about the trauma. I really appreciate this video. So comforting but sad too. Hard to know what to do to heal.❤❤❤
Completely correct!
I agree with you Dr.Gabor you are amazingly intelligent... thanks
I relate , I understand ! Understanding comes from experience! My own experience!
Gabor is so Right On ,his understanding comes by his own work on himself !!!
I "GET IT" ❗
It's kindof frustrating to hear this because I definitely experienced one of the most traumatic years of my life with a medical crisis at 24 and it was the most extreme "before" and "after moment of my entire life. I had some unhappy experiences as a child, but none of them have had anywhere near the same detrimental impact of my medical PTSD.
I'd wondered about whether adulthood traumas had the same level of impact as childhood. But I've always seen personally within myself and others signs of deep rooted childhood nurturing deficiencies. It does make sense.
The greatest predictors of pathology post a traumatic event (PTSD) are intensity of the event (ie., how dangerous, damaging, profound, or disabling), and level of support or betrayal at the time or after.
I’m sure that the precedent of childhood trauma is deeply impacting, but adult traumas can certainly create pathology even without it. (HOGE, C.W, MD. 2010. “Once Warrior, always a warrior”. Lyons Press, CT.
He nailed it.
It makes sense to me. I see it from my brother and I see it in me. Unfortunately, now adult us has to suffer and try to get ourselves out of it. Will it stop? We don't know. Can it get better? Not entirely. But, we acknowledge it, we recognize we went through it and we appreciate everything we have at this moment. If not for those, where could we be now?
Thank you, Dr. Mate.
Gentle voice and i like his accent
I was physically abused by my father! He believed in capital punishment as a form of discipline. I am presently suffering from severe anxiety. All you’ve said makes sense.
Hi, I am in my sixties, and I suffered from anxiety my whole life. I was abandoned by both parents. my grandmother raised me, but she could be very cruel for a few years. I have been walking 2 or 3 miles in the morning, and at night, I have to walk at least a mile to be able to minimize my anxiety without meds and fall asleep. You look very young in your picture. I am so sorry about what happened to you. Best wishes to you and your future.
My grandparents were both holocaust survivors. My grandfather was put on a train and sent to England at 10, he grew up in safety but never saw his family again. My grandma was in the Warsaw Ghetto with her family until 13 or 14, facing starvation and the terror of Nazi occupation, and then separated from her parents and taken to Belsen. Her parents died in Auschwitz. Although my grandma's experience seemed more traumatic, she was a far more balanced and contented person than my grandpa, who struggled with depression and paranoia. Once I asked her why she thought that was, and she said, "He didn't get as long with his parents, being loved".
My 70 year old father told me the day before he died from a massive heart attack that his father always told him he was doing things wrong. Always showed him a better way. He said he still had an inferiority complex because of it. He was determined not to do that to his kids.
I whole heartedly agree with this
Wish I could find a therapist in kc that was this good!