mine was a very VERY practiced, like he planned every joke way before the delivery and he expected you to laugh but he would NEVER laugh at others jokes or movies unless it was derogatory humor.
It's a way of feeding their supply. They live "on stage" because the false self that they have created needs constant stroking. It makes them feel good, accepted, loved, appreciated. It's all about impressions.
I think it's weird too. Humor needs empathy. These people are not empathic. They are sarcastic. One warning to take away from this is not to try to be close to someone who has to be the life of the party. They need the audience and will not be satisfied with intimacy.
Thank you for this. The sarcasm- thing is important. Seems to me that it can be used in order to hold you down/ make you feel inferior to them. Seems to be a means of control, and sometimes it`s also about jealousy. People that have to be the life of the party, can be absolutely exhausting to be around. Their humour then becomes "not funny" anymore. Take care. Kind regards.
The humor parts is initiated by the demonic evil ANIMAL side 👹80% via the HUMAN side20%,solely to seek narc supply. The animal NEEDS supply.Look at it this way. A pimp needs cash.So he gets it via HIS nice happy prostitutes.When the mask slips,meaning,the REAL him 👹 will come out,trouble with the prostitutes.
My narc.mother is funny. She delivers digs and insults through sarcastic humour, passive aggression technique and she gets to feel intelligent too, for getting subtle jibes in via the trojan horse of banter. Protests are met with "I'm only joking, lighten up!" or "you're too sensitive, not everyone's having a go at you you know"-implying paranoia and thereby discrediting their victim. Their humour is rarely self-effacing as they prefer humour at the expense of others, ridiculing and humiliating others, with the added bonus of laughter and attention as a reward for their superior wit. I think it might be a personality trait that some narcs are lucky to possess as it does aid them in their agendas. Love your work Scott.
It's because they understand human nature so well and are very adept in observing, analyzing, and assessing situations (the "human condition"), which requires a certain amount of intelligence. The prerequisite for humor is intelligence (there is a correlation between sense of humor and intelligence). They tend to be glib and always have quick comebacks, but their humor can change on a dime. So, whether you're going to be the butt of a joke or have a "humorful" exchange, depends on their mood. Since they are capricious by nature, you never know what you'll get. With narcissists the lines between "funny" and meanspiritedness are fluid. They weave in and out of both so skillfully. That's why one can never feel fully at ease around them.
Breakthrough Moment Its like with the liberal mainstream media. Think about that failure Kathy Griffin, SNL, and the rest that fail in humor because they're so obsessed in impeaching Trump. They appeal to a crowd that will never be happy no matter what you do.
Arkham Knight You're the last person I thought I'd hear say that. Trump is dangerous. I'm not advocating what Kathy Griffen said, but he's a narc and could start the next world war with his belligerent, pugnacious ways with other countries. He has no diplomatic skills and someone like that doesn't need to be commander in chief of the "free" world.
I was just saying this over articles and facts I've read and observed. I'm pretty neutral on Trump and I understand some people may or may not like him, in which many around where I'm from don't. I'm saying the main problem with the media is that it becoming very very biased to the point its hard to trust them. Some people got to see there's manipulative people also confiding inside the media too. Hope you see where I'm coming from.
"I'm not funny. I guess you can tell." That made me laugh! I know what you're saying, though. They DO seem to be really quick on the uptake. Maybe it has something to do with the hyper-vigilance of a natural predator...
My nex is the center of attention wherever he goes. He is extremely intelligent and funny to probably everyone but me, now that I know he's a Narc and really know what it means and how it's impacted me. I could laugh like the rest, but got to the point where watching him perform just made me sick bc he sure didn't provide fun for me. He was such a "fun" dad, it was stupid. He was embarrassing much of the time. I am just beginning my recovery. I never thought about his humor like this. I completely agree that humor would be a trait that certain Narcissists would know how to use to get their supply for attention and to win over a new victim. Worked on me! It didn't last long, but I was married for 32 years...I've had some very difficult days, to say the least. Thanks for all the videos...information is power.
it can also deflect. and with narcs it's often sarcasm. at someone else's expense or a form of FALSE self deprecation. it's zll zbout getting attention . I don't think they're funny I think they're well primed and very aware of the power of words. Hence word salad. And it's not funny when it's cruel
Yup they are sarcastic f**kers for sure...They'll drop jokes on you - at your expense - and just expect you to handle/take the brunt of their tacky humor, but if you dare throw a witty retort back at them (which they can rarely handle) they'll get triggered and will most likely try and project/deflect by saying something like: "Oh don't take it so personally; just kidding..ha ha..." or "Your too sensitive" ,etc....At the end of the day, the truth is, is that these pathetic creatures are the ultra sensitive/fragile ones, and we - the em paths/scapegoats - are the thick skinned/robust/hardy ones....and they can't handle that. It's all projection and deflection with these a holes
Jodi Hansen That's right! it is always at someone else's expense. But try cracking a joke about them and you'll have ferocious animal on your hands. (NARCISSISTIC ENJURY )...watch your back!!!
notmycircusnotmymonkeys Etcetera Exactly. I was listening to the video and thinking 'I've never met a truly funny narcissist'. They're not funny-- they're mean funny. I don't think they have the awareness of themselves or of the people and world around them to enable them to be truly comedic. Victims of abuse are often hella funny. Their abusers? Not so much.
Sanity tbd I agree I don't think they're funny at all unless they're trying to make fun of people they really don't have any sense of humor unless someone slips on a banana peel
My ex narc used to think he was funny and would laugh a lot at jokes and add to it. I was always a spontaneous laugher and I like silliness. He never liked siliness though. Withme it was seriousness, he was always serious. In front of otherpeople though, he would make jokes, small talk type jokes, not so funny jokes that everyone laughs at to be polite, type of thing. When he was courting me and flirting to shape me into his enabler he was like that. Once he had me, it changed, and then told ME that I was boring! lol I'm glad I can be silly now with my husband and laugh at my own silliness. It's refreshing.
Narcissists like to provoke a reaction *and* they like to be the centre of attention... And they spend more than their fair share of time observing human behaviour... Humour taps into all of these things quite nicely. If they manage to get laughter out of people, it is both instantly gratifying for their ego, and often also serves to put down/ridicule someone else - double whammy. Being funny and being charming are often one and the same thing. In my opinion, it might be far more basic than manipulation - it's attention-seaking and also a great way to put someone down. It gives them a sense of power. And because they are so self-centered, they often miss the deeper layers of understanding how things/people work... Therefore, their humour also tends to be an odd mix of TOTALLY on the mark and yet at the same time childish/juvenile/obvious. They spend ALL their time trying to figure out other people (to better manipulate them)... And they learn from a very young age the power of humour (to humiliate / disarm / or just to get some attention)... So I would argue they spend A LOT of time practising being funny.
This is excellent! I began my search on narcissism via humor and humiliation and I've kept a chronicle of my situations with my partner as we experience her modes of humor: All of her friends consider her hilarious, she keeps cool and feigns modesty. She once corrected me on something I thought was funny, so that's another vein of weirdness. Most of her friends prize mean, humiliating, sexual and uncomfortable humor as the best kind. I'm struggling with our relationship now because it's all too much for me. All she wants to do is laugh and move on. She can't compliment, be tender or loving. I am learning that I am supply. It's rough. Thanks again for all of your time and research.
Yeah, Narcs are laughing all the way to the bank! Reasons they possibly are funny; * They are still childish emotionally. * They lack the social connection not to insult people * They are uninhibited, so are funny the way little kids are who don't have social restraints-- the boy in the fairy tale who cried, "But the Emperor has no clothes!" * They are proud of their humor & wit ( Narcs do say this, so beware). They are the best at everything, after all, remember? * They are detached & see the objective irony/ humor in situations/people. Which to be fair is often present. * They are absurdist & cynics. Of course they are witty. * They want to be hurtful, yet pass publicly as joking. * Humor is a stress release to them, too. Even Nazi guards would joke around with concentration camp prisoners. They too needed some relief, and human connection. * Narcs look down on others. We are ALWAYS funny to them. So there we have it. Although he claims not be funny, I must say, Scott gave a naughty little eye flick at end of video. [My first idea when I saw this topic-- Why are Narcissists so funny?-- was that they themselves are QUITE absurd and make themselves ridiculous in their lies and machinations]
Like so many others commented. It's another form of control. Like a comedian. You have a refined joke practiced over and over. You laugh, they get supply. Once they think they have your attn, then shift the narrative to manipulation... then deeper manipulation if they think they have you. Then sit back and reorganize the manipulation to go forward with the damage or pause to re-evaluate. It's a dance... they lead, you follow. Stop the dance and if you can leave... leave. At the least - stop dancing. Stay strong, stay focused.
I usually completely agree with you, but here I'm scratching my head. My ex was NOT funny. He thought he was, especially if he threw a "joking" insult your way. I found him juvenile and stupid. Like cringeworthy stupid. You lost me on this one. Keep up the great work.
In my experience she liked to be among funny people, and could be jokey, but there was always something not quite authentic about her in such company. She was wary of humour, I suggest because she knew jokes could go over her head, and she suspected in a paranoid way, that jokes could contain narcissistic injury. The unauthenticity stems from having to scan jokes for negative inferences before engaging in laughter.
I'm not able to agree on this one. I know some funny but selfish people. But in my experience the narcs I know have zero sense of humor. And it caused a problem if I laughed or had a good time. It seemed to just piss them off even more. Anything that made me happy or if I joked about something....seemed to pose some sort of risk to this one narc especially. She would seethe and give me the silent treatment....
If you're not laughing at something that they said/did, it's not permitted. My ndad used to actively try to disrupt my siblings and I when we were having a laugh at something. If he got called out (which was rare) for being an ass, he would storm off into his room and claim that the laughter "hurt his ears." They truly hate seeing other people happy, and will do anything to prevent it.
There are levels of Narcs...some well developed, long standing ones will develop humor to go along with their unemotional self...you know that DRY sense of humor that everyone likes...I find it annoying and disingenuous.
No. It is not always sarcasm. I believe it is part of what remains of their true selves. Also, my theory is: Some of them developed their sense of humor to appease their abuser when they were children. They learned that laughter could make them and the abuser feel better.
Hi Scott, has someone said here, maybe is because of th attention they get from it...it can also be a way of socializing, im guilty of this myself...Narcs dont get along with people easy so, with humour, they can actually get people attention and sympathy, but at the same they are covering they lack of feelings for others. Makes sense? Its a facade, for them to get away with their boredom and emptiness. Just because you are funny, that doesn t mean your sense of entitlement and grandiosity and despair isnt there, but people will have it hard to grasp it.
OMG you nailed it bro! So true. They think they're are so funny (when they aren't) and they will laugh at their own tacky jokes. Pathetic is all I can say. And furthermore, all the narcs I know and have every known are Sarcastic as fuck too (at the other person's expense of course). What is it with this sarcasm; why do they Always resort to this puerile from of humor? I personally think they use it as a defense/distraction front. Would love to hear you do a video on this
Totally right dude, most comedians admit to being narcissists on stage. It seems like the goal of getting the audience to laugh is another game they play to perpetuate the illusion (the reaction of others is a just branch of the deep rooted tree that empowers the narcissists manipulative behavior)
you hit it spot on when you hit on the charm element. It's also an element of the ASPD as well when you look at the control through compensating types of behavior. Humor could fall right on this category.
A narcissist close to me has made comments like "humour is the best way to diffuse any tense situation" and "you can say anything with a smile". It is also distracting. I think it's like an emotional reset button. When I am angry at him and he makes me laugh, I put my anger aside, I am a little softer, more open to bonding emotionally.
Yeah and to add to that, ever notice it's rarely self deprecating humor; the punchline of their jokes always tend to be outside of themselves and or at the expense of others...
I feel so validated by your videos. I just met someone with a lot of narcissistic red flags, and his humor almost got me to let my guard down. My guess is that’s why they’re funny - it’s disarming.
The narcissist in my life uses humor as a way to speak negatively about others or to push an idea or a concept that is easier to accept when it's couched in humor. Laughter is disarming and can take the edge off an intense situation, so I believe my narcissist uses it after saying something unpleasant to distract or otherwise prevent someone from challenging the narrative. Because it's a good feeling, and that is something that is generally lacking with them. I think it's also just another way the narcissist feels dominance over another persons behavior. They can MAKE someone laugh. It feels like a power. It is almost systematic in the way I see humor to defuse a situation after the narcissist pushes someone away, insults, or offends them. Often the joke is related to what the narcissist said or did, or how the target responded.
OMG yes! A few days ago I was getting hilarious texts from my Mom, which of course were a welcome relief from her usual extreme neediness and condescention. Yesterday I realized she was using it to butter me up for something she wants. Their humor can be very disarming if you're not paying attention.
Well... I agree and my experience with my very covert ex narc taught me: 1. He was funny when and with whom it was required (as you said it's a tool). Very effective while having an argument. 2. Literally, he didn't know when to stop joking while getting supply (from friends for example), until one of his jokes ended up with an unconfortable silence. Then he would look at me looking for approval. 3. He would steal jokes from me, from friends... doesn't matter. Once he used a stolen joke saying "as we were saying yesterday blah blah", then the friend who actually told the joke the previous day complained. The narc simply said "well, that's why I said as WE were saying yesterday" (Gaslighting alert!) 4. He would also recycle jokes. Damn, he was officially the greatest joke recycler. He would tell the same joke to every single person he met that day. He also spent maaany hours on Internet looking for new jokes or anecdotes I hope that helps. I apologize if my English is not correct.
My ex was incredibly funny. He was a master of comedic timing. It's one of the main ways he charms people, and he can use it on a dime. I was also very curious about this, because the core of their personalities are very dark. I attribute it to how they are constantly scanning people and storing the information for later use. Sam Vaknin talks about being a walking database of stored information about human emotions that he references when he needs to mimic real emotion for the benefit of the people around him. Perhaps this excessive cataloging allows them to learn the cues for comedy just like any other emotion. It's especially useful because it instantly disarms people. Advanced mimicry!
It is a left over skill from learning to be the class room funny person, which made them the center of attention. their wit can be very clever as well as cruel
I think their humor is immature and not very funny in my eye's. It is funny to see the Narc in my life never laugh at my jokes or humor. Just blank stare and no smile.
My ex-crazy bitch narc used humor a lot! Especially around my family because she tried her hardest to get on their good side. She would always tell these wild stories that didn't even seem true (they probably weren't) just to get a few laughs, so that people would like her. But she was different when I was around her. She was the only one that could make me laugh. If anyone else made me laugh she would get this horrible look on her face, and every time I laughed at something she would be like "you have the worst humor, that's not funny at all" it was so weird!!! I'm so glad she's out of my life. 1 month no contact, and that's been the happiest month I've had in a long time
Yep, this is definitely in their toolbox but once you become aware, it is like an obvious "sales pitch"!! I don't know really how to express what I'm trying to say, it's just this gut instinct that we tend to ignore because not everyone who is funny is a narcissist. They DO rehearse this stuff in their heads. My husband spends more time rehearsing in his head what he is going to say to others than he does actually saying it to the person and has told me so. Ex: me-hey did you talk to your mother yet about x,y,z? Him-no, I'm still trying to rehearse (his ACTUAL words) exactly what I want to say. Rehearsing for a job, a speech, etc., that's normal. Spending enormous amounts of time rehearsing a dialogue with someone in order to alter the outcome, not normal in my book! His final draft that I observe *always* come with a bag of jokes and compliments. Ice-breakers, whatever you want to call it.
fuhgetabouddit Wow, I remember my narc saying: you have to rehearse what you're going to say before an argument, think of every possible answer and what you will reply. It's like a chess player's brain
you're right. it is to disarm you. its to keep you, i think to feel weird to approach them with any deep conversations. and when I do, they often tell me i'm dark. so, either that or maybe because they have low self esteem, they have used humor as a way to gain friendships. shallow emotions.
someone asked Christopher Walken once, "why do you tend to only play horror or comedy characters?" he said "I think there is a fine line between the two". I know it is weird, but I think of the Dark Knight's Joker- he was such a sociopath narcissist. He uses laughter as a coping mechanism with the irony and reactions of horror. " whatever doesn't kill you makes you stranger." -joker
This is SO true! My narc ex was hilarious, and right from the get go! He wasn't even that good-looking; definitely not what I usually go for, but he was so funny and I just fell for him very quickly. Wish I had known about narcs before wasting my time with my previous two boyfriends! One had so many narc tendencies, but wasn't a full blown narc. The second one, is a text book malignant narc, who nearly destroyed my life, finances and reputation.
Hilarious! Humour was the main "M O" of the ex-narc. When I recall the "pink love cloud" I seemed to be engulfed in...in the early days of our relationship, his funniness was extremely disarming. I felt a familiarity. I had not long prior lost a loved older brother who was always a funny and positive guy to be around, so yes!...it made me feel "at home". Along with the compliments, seemingly knowing everything about me to know instinctively how to "love bomb" me and having a physical disability that drew out the empath in me (big time!), I was a gonner! I can't believe I have found your video because it kinda validates another "WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?" moment. Thank you!!
Idk... my ex had the worst sense of humor he would even get mad at me because I didn't laugh at all of his jokes, I only laughed when I was worried he would get mad, I'd laugh to stroke his ego, or laugh on the rare occasion that he was actually funny. It was sad, he just WASN'T FUNNY. It would have even made things easier on me to just fake laugh to appease him but I got to the point where he'd come up to me at home cracking lame jokes and expecting a laugh like I was a coin-operated giggle machine. And I mean, I laugh at EVERYTHING, I'm a goofball, I will bust up about anything and everything, even at myself. So him not being funny was really odd, and disappointing. To be fair, he sounds more like a sociopath than a narcissist though so that could be part of it. Or maybe he wanted to gaslight me into thinking I had no sense of humor because that was something I loved about myself, who knows!!
I think that you are right that it is a tactic to put the target at ease, and also to create the impression that they are fun to be with. One thing about their exercise of this tactic is how they can quickly shift from hilarity to anger or righteous indignation-- and this shows that the "humor" is a tactic-- a "means to an end." This kind of on-off can be the beginning of the constant creation emotional disequilibrium in the target...what was funny to them yesterday today is something else-- usually something that they perceive that you have done to injure them. (Gaslighting). Also, the "cold" empathy of the narcissist can be quite astute in determining what makes people laugh, and if you have no boundaries and no respect for unspoken but widely held social norms, it is really easy to do so, in that the narcissist is willing to say and do things that many people might think but never actually say or do. This is indeed, one ability that they do have. They often demonstrate a stunning lack of embarrassment, which is an indicator of their inability to truly empathize. They simply don't care what others think, though they do seem to be aware that this irreverence is humorous to people. This can seem, almost, a kind of vulnerability, or even a kind of social courage, as it were, but really only testifies to their predatory observation skills and their willingness to push boundaries in the pursuit of what they want (your trust). It also gives them lots of positive supply in social situations. Everybody likes to laugh, so it is highly effective, as well as quite easy, for the narcissist.
Man, you really hit every nuance I've found of this phenomena of the NPD; and, this one of being funny is the one that makes me puddy in their hand; I have a NARC Where I constantly say, man, how are you constantly getting funnier, are you going to funny school. I know their ass isn't studying; Also, they know song lyrics and Hollywood stars really well. Great, great topic on this, or any other genre, because this is a question I've had about 3 NARCs I know, but I've had it before I knew they were NARCs. That's also typically the first thing most will say of them too, how funny they are. They're typically Shameless, as well, which is a big help in being funny.
They derive a LOT of energy and ego stroking from making people laugh. They love the attention. And people like people who make them laugh. They want to be around them. They don't have pleasant qualities, not real ones anyway, so they have to offer *something* to make people want to be around them
Dude you are funny too, I'm laughing now about your last comments. "Like being Narcissistic gives you an edge in that department".. It DOES make sense to me. 1st off, many narcs are funny but in my experience at least half are not. But in my humble thought processes, I can see that in order for a child to grow into a Narcissistic adult, they must possess a certain amount of intelligence to craft their shifting identities and image, etc. Humour, it seems to me, would be crucial as a much needed coping skill. I believe many DO possess an authentic sense of humour. Sometimes humor is an icebreaker a trust earner, attention getter (supply, right?), and it's used as a covert insult, too. I believe many of us use humor that way, though. AWESOME VIDEO, THANKS!
A lot of professional entertainers are narcissists/ sociopaths. Remember that. It's a way to charm people and it's a way to get attention and to be a sychophant. Like the class clown. Why are clowns scary? Because a lot of comedy is actually veiled anger. It's actually agressive towards the audience or the material. Btw, you are funny. You're deadpan/ naturally funny. Dry.
Plato I believe said "humor is the exhibition of bad moral virtue". There's many facets of the tool or byproduct of humor in human behavior but I agree with a lot of what you're saying: Humor is really a specific range of human behavior, in every aspect of behavior it has potential to exist. And despite popular belief, it's EASY to be funny. Humor is not just about someone's actions to produce it, it's at least 50% of the time about the person who laughs (the observer and judge of "humor"). So, n's being funny on average moreso than the average person is in my mind largely because they're good at reading people and therefore tailor their words to appeal to others specific notions of humor for charming purposes.
My narc ex husband had no humor at all except pure rotten sarcasm which I hate. I used to refer to him as "Mister Serious" behind his back. I really hated that relationship so much. Thank God it's over!
my husband engages people with his humour. he can be very funny and he uses it to get people to like him. people serving him in a shop anyone. he likes walking away thinking they like him.
...I have never seen a funny narcissist. I've seen narcissists who *THOUGHT* they were funny, as they were teasing me. As an attention-getting mechanism, being funny would be an effective tool, with the added benefit of disarming their potential victims & the audience all narcissists crave.
Scott u can be hilarious in an innocent way, u often will hit the nail on the head perfectly in your description occasionally, and my natural response is to lol. Luv yr choice of words, so apt ! Great grasp of language.
I understand your point. I think it goes back to 'the best comedians often know great tragedy and pain'. Personally speaking, I find this to be true. On the flipside, when narcissists are behind closed doors, they often aren't funny. They are full of rage, or either simply blank.
that's how my ex narc got in...our first night out he had me laughing so hard!! Sometimes I would laugh inside during his rages because it was beyond comprehension...
Once again you point out a narc trait that all the others miss! My narc could make me laugh so hard sometimes with a single word or look, and no it wasn't always sarcastic or mean spirited at all. I know it's a trait he still uses to charm his wide circle of friends.
the very skilled Narc incorporates dry humor right into their personality and they start tapping the supply wherever they go, but real heart connect with people which is the source of real humor they are obviously to...(they like their one-liners from comedies, movies TV shows, and they use them A LOT)
I got this +Understanding Narcissists! The narcissist has had since childhood to develop their craft. There is nothing else to develop besides strategic maneuvers in order to get your attention. They are empty, they did not have anything that fulfilled them in their development years so they devised strategic methods in order to get their needs met. In other words, they will develop their charm, humor, and social aspects in order to get the attention of their narcissistic overlords. This is all they know, and they know it well. I have met many skilled people who pretend to be fun loving people, yet are actually malignant narcs.
my ex narc studied comedians growing up. He is funny and prides himself on it. I started to become more funny hanging around him and he noticed it, I think he's a bit jealous of it though he takes credit for it. He says "You need to be on stage, not me". The other thing is that he finds it hilarious if a person falls and hurts themselves and things like too, which I don't. sometimes I think it is a spirit. Sometimes when I'd be alone watching something that made me laugh, I noticed often that I'd laugh like him,, the same sound and expression and comments and I prayed for God to take away any spirits from them came from my connection to him and it that has since stopped. I still have my own sense of humor but I don't feel his (narcs) presence when I do. This was a good topic, glad you did this because it's confirmation, it's the one thing I couldn't figure out because it didn't fit the normal descip of a narc.
I also think it's a trap because it is disarming but he'd also try to make me the butt of his jokes in front of people then when i called him on it he'd say " we are a tag team, you were supposed to come back with something funny".
Yes they use humor and funny jokes and their personality to get you to drop your guard and keep you in a shallow realm of your emotions where they can manipulate you easier, to put you in a receptive state and drop your guard.
they are funny like people with tarets are sometimes funny when they blurt things out. they basically dont have a filter and that can be funny at times. its not high iq humor. its like tarets humor. if a man with tarets sees a fat person he'll just blurt it out which can be funny. ofen they have so much pain as well that they will unleash mean yet funny humor to people.
My narc was a big funny ass! Loved the 3 stooges! I think it served him 2 purposes. The first being it's a form of control and second it covers up deep pain and insecurity! If I make people laugh they are doing it because I caused it! Then there fear of being laughed at is no longer a fear!
And you are correct in your observation. Narcs relied on self at a very young age to make sense of the world after it was beaten or abused out of them. Their approach to life is immature. It's not taken seriously. People are not taken seriously. Humor is natural in that event. I am a very witty person. I am always making people laugh that are around me. It is not by design. It is of my essence.
A recurring trait I'm noticing in certain narcissists is that people often find them funny because they are so lively, chatty and hyper-energetic at all times that it gives them a kind of amusing charm - for instance, they often chatter endlessly in social environments and strike up random conversations with strangers, and other people will often find this funny or cute, i.e. "awww she's so funny the way she can't go more than a minute without talking to someone"... When you need to leave a social event they will keep delaying you by chattering Non-Stop, you'll remind them you need to leave and they'll be like "yeah, sorry, I'm coming" then immediately they'll get chatting to the next person they see, cue 5-10 more minutes of waiting for them, and people tend to find this funny or cute... IT'S NOT. They know full well that they are inconveniencing you by talking so much, they just thrive on being the centre of attention and having an 'audience'. Their constant smiling and laughing is their weapon, so that people find them funny instead of just annoying, people think this is a quirky or funny trait of theirs when it is just born out of their unhealthy need for attention and control over others. It quickly stops being funny when you've sussed out their true reasons for doing it.
Definitely agree with your observations. One of the things that attracted me to my narc was his ability to make me laugh, and it was also handy in Hoovering as well. Especially for those like mine, who must rely on wit and charm because they lack other attributes to help support the façade such as the ability hope to hold a job or being financially responsible. For my narc, wit and charm is really all he has. And you're right, they don't throw it at you like they do the delusion,, It comes across as more natural and organic. Not like they are "trying" to be funny, but they do seem to make the best of good opportunities. It's a hard dynamic to describe, but it's definitely there. But I think there's definitely intent to it. He has even mentioned his ability to make me laugh, he knows it's influential. Also, the fact that they are able to retain this humorous nature despite the abuse they perpetrate and the destruction they cause, speaks to their emptiness inside, as normal people cannot so easily make a light in the midst of those types of circumstances. In fact, now that I'm thinking on it, he could use humor to pull me out of my sadness and devastation caused by his own abuse! Isn't that handy!
Some of the funniest people I've known have been narcissists. It is meant to be a sign of empathy, but I guess it's another form of cold (fake) empathy. Laughing is also a form of trauma, or expression, or relief from it, I think. We hear it said that if you weren't laughing, then you would cry instead.
Absolutely spot on! right before the discard my Narc told me, that he discovered what his gift was he was to make people laugh, and I thought at the moment yeah everybody but your family. wonder how much work it takes out of them to always be funny? When we went to court he stated on the stands that he had to keep the friends happy? again I thought how exhausting that must be... lol
This video is so spot on. After being widowed my first dating experience was with a narcissist and he was very funny. That ended very badly he completely changed discarded me and ghosted me. A couple months later Imet a guy that was funny,totally opposite first narcissist , we even joked during our 3 months together about the first one. I just discovered three days ago I’m getting discarded again and that OMG the second one is a NARC as well 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
As I watched this video I considered how maybe the fact that narcs are funny and are able to get you to laugh at their jokes, sarcastic or otherwise, is another means of manipulating your emotions. It's like another form of control over you where they were able to use words to cause an emotional response. Feeds their supply, perhaps.
You know I asked myself the same question a number of times, how is he soooo funny, if he is..dead inside? If he is unable to empathise, how does he make people laugh? How does he make ME laugh. And then I noticed something, which is common to all narcissists that I have observed. Narcissists never laugh at themselves. Ever. They don't laugh when a joke is at their expense. They don't laugh at their own faux-pas's. They don't laugh if the joke isn't coming from them.. They don't laugh at situational humour, UNLESS they say something about it. They don't participate in other people's humour. Honestly, in hindsight, I think narcissists are only funny around people who are co-dependent. If you're not co-dependent, if you value being listened to, and seeing other people being validated and not ignored or dismissed, their "humour" will get old, quickly.
Another thought, humour is often used as a defence mechanism (the character Chandler, in the comedy series "Friends", portrays this very well). Most comedians are battling something. They don't acknowledge something within themselves, and it eats at them. Or they've sustained some kind of emotional wound as children, and they're using laughter to deal with the pain that comes from that. Kevin Hart famously talks about growing up with his drug addict father, who almost killed him, by throwing him in a swimming pool when he didn't know how to swim. For a narcissist it would be the ultimate defence mechanism, because you can never get to them, with humour. They can always deflect, it's like a shield. They can use it to abuse you "I was only teasing", they can use it to deny you a forum, they can use it to protect themselves. If you're trying to have a serious conversation. If you try to express any real feelings. It's also a very good way of invalidating the other person without seeming like a jerk. If you can make that person laugh, while at the same time cutting them off, or cutting off their train of thought, it's verrrrry effective. I've seen this happen many times, at work. Someone cutting someone off with a joke when the second person is trying to express an opinion, and then everyone laughs, and forgets what person 2 was saying. And then person 2 can't stay on message, because then they look like a buzzkill. It's very hard to be serious after a joke. Like right after a joke. So it's a very, very effective means of controlling your environment. You can do a lottttt of damage, with humour.
Yes they He was a riot! Even after he discarded me, he was trying to be funny with me, but during that point the humor actually just brought me heartache because it reminded me of what we had and what no longer was. Right after he told me a dry joke i cut complete communication . But yes Could have been a professional comedian.
The narcs in my life are not interested in being funny unless they are in the company of people they are trying to recruit. When there’s nothing in it for them, i noticed they are stingy with humor, end it is usually laced with sarcasm or its very “dry” and short. Maybe it’s because they know that I really like humor, and engage in it with others often, so they’re not going to give it to me.
Humour is a cerebral narcissist's tactic. Other people laughing at their jokes validates them socially/intellectually. Somatic narcissists tend to be decidedly lacking in humour and often don't laugh or display any humorous affect at all. Humour is also more characteristic of an overt type narcissist rather than a covert. Coverts tend to have blunted affect due to their corrupting inner shame and low self-esteem.
I can totally relate to this. My ex partner had a very childish sense of humour, which I found quite endearing. This was much more obvious when his children were younger. They have kind of outgrown his childish behaviour now. He was very witty though. This was one of the things I loved about him, even when I was mildly annoyed with him. It was a tool for sure. Thank you, for your insight. I am new to your videos, but finding them very helpful in my recovery.
Humor is psychological. All a person has to do is make someone crack a laugh once and then everyone around is inclined to laugh just because they heard a laugh. The most wonderful aspect of life is that laughter can be as infectious as a cold, but luckily far less disgusting. In my opinion, laughter is good for the soul as long as it doesn't come at the expense of other people.
Some narcs use humor to defuse their own feelings of anger or despair. They might know that if they acted out how they really felt - the veil would be ripped off. In this way the humor comes from a very dark place...which is also what makes it so funny. It is the perfect tool to regulate their image and manipulate others.
Narcissists are funny because. They want to lower peoples defences. About half the time narcissists will say things that aren't funny, but are just inappropriate, or shocking, or offensive, with the intent of being funny. But the way they deliver it demands that you laugh. It's more that you let them be funny if you have enabling tendencies... They also spend so much time probing people for responses. And they figure out how to get the responses they want from people that forces them to let their guards down. They think about how to manipulate people as much as you think about psychology. Anyone can be funny if they spend as much time probing other people for responses and carefully considering the outcomes all the time, with the intent of lowering another persons defenses... Furthermore, most comedians are tormented. When you have a dark outlook on the world the only way you can face it is through humour. Nearly all the great comedians are depressives. I recommend the book, "Games People Play."
I have learned that the art of humor is making fun of the ridiculous things of life, sometimes reality is absurd and so the foundation of a joke or punchline is born. I have learned also that Narcissists study their target, their weaknesses and ways of thinking. So... I wonder if a Narcissist senses that their losing their supply in you, perhaps because you are saddened... and something ridiculous in life happens (which shouldn't be hard to come by these days)... then boom. Here's something to make you laugh, lift your spirits and preserve your position on my side. Just thinking out loud.
Remember that song. smile, though your heart is breaking, If you'd just smile. There were a lot of people who had depressing childhoods. in the depression era.
My narc was extremely funny... until he wasn't and it just became hurtful all the time. I remember telling my family and friends that one of the reasons I liked him so much in the beginning is that he was so funny and shortly thereafter I excused it as him being " quirky". It took awhile for me to realize that it was just probably a defense mechanism and notice how immature he truly was. A child in a man's body! Most of his friends just thought that was the way he was and he was pretty obnoxious at times. Only those closest to him probably knew he was narcissistic. He would always tell me I was acting like a high schooler but it was total projection! The only good thing for me is I never believed what he said and I just would brush it off so that's probably why he continue to do it... always hoping he would get a rise out of me.
My ex narc always thought he was funny and the life of the party.This is so true I would just look and watch him preform because the minute we got in the car to leave the true monster came out again.
my ex narc was super funny and charismatic and extremely talented musically. it IS what attracted me. phew! 19 years later...wasn't so funny. Still healing.
You have it right again. My X used this dry wit, humor and sarcasm as a tool for various circumstances depending on the affect he wanted. Quick Sharp-edged sarcasm that would leave you with your head spinning looking dumb or off your balance with as a defensive mechanism to stay one step ahead of you or others. Other times to charm to disarm you as you say to make his audience feel comfortable. Let their guard down see what a " nice guy" he was. To get the attention he craved at looking how brilliant he was. To get others to support his huge ego. All part of the game and as you say, a tool. I think the X honed this craft first out of necessity from himself being bullied as a kid to deflect his abusers with his wit. And as a way to please his Narcissistic Father.. that didn't see him or make is codependent Mom laugh. Tools .. and as another viewer said another mask that works in multiple ways to get what they want, need, crave. Adoration and attention. So sad such brillance, wasted.
Our family has always been funny. Sometimes biting sarcasm, sometimes innuendoes and random references not everyone 'gets'. My narcissistic sister can be charmingly funny, but it's always with a purpose. She will not dispense her humor with just 'anyone' and it doesn't really appear to come naturally.
predator type personalities are funny because they are highly observant, as they scan/hunt situations. when my narc friend would tell a story about work, it would be so detailed and hyperbolic that it would seem like comedy genius. i think it's a byproduct of being negative and observant always judging things from their odd perspective. it also helps get their agenda across because you let your guard down when you're laughing.
they are hunters, so they are extra observant, and their temperament gets them in weird situations that make for funny stories, and they tell it with exaggerations, with flamboyant mental acrobatics.
and it's socially acceptable to express your disdain for someone or something (Authority) when you make it into a joke. so they can vent a little of their ongoingly built up jealous/resentment etc. by using humor as a way of expressing seething contempt or disdain for coworkers, etc.
mine was a very VERY practiced, like he planned every joke way before the delivery and he expected you to laugh but he would NEVER laugh at others jokes or movies unless it was derogatory humor.
It's a way of feeding their supply. They live "on stage" because the false self that they have created needs constant stroking. It makes them feel good, accepted, loved, appreciated. It's all about impressions.
This has been my experience.
DARK, cruel humor is their craft and excitement. Anything silly is incomprehensible to them.
TRUE! Thank you for this. Cheers.
Because they're the most absolute COWARDS ever!
I think it's weird too. Humor needs empathy. These people are not empathic. They are sarcastic. One warning to take away from this is not to try to be close to someone who has to be the life of the party. They need the audience and will not be satisfied with intimacy.
Thank you for this. The sarcasm- thing is important. Seems to me that it can be used in order to hold you down/ make you feel inferior to them. Seems to be a means of control, and sometimes it`s also about jealousy. People that have to be the life of the party, can be absolutely exhausting to be around. Their humour then becomes "not funny" anymore. Take care. Kind regards.
they do not even need an audience. THEY ARE THEIR AUDIENCE. THEMSELVES.
WORD! Thank you for this, and take care.
Very insightful!
The humor parts is initiated by the demonic evil ANIMAL side 👹80% via the HUMAN side20%,solely to seek narc supply. The animal NEEDS supply.Look at it this way. A pimp needs cash.So he gets it via HIS nice happy prostitutes.When the mask slips,meaning,the REAL him 👹 will come out,trouble with the prostitutes.
being funny was what captured me at the start. We'd laugh all the time and at some point the laughs stopped.
My narc.mother is funny. She delivers digs and insults through sarcastic humour, passive aggression technique and she gets to feel intelligent too, for getting subtle jibes in via the trojan horse of banter. Protests are met with "I'm only joking, lighten up!" or "you're too sensitive, not everyone's having a go at you you know"-implying paranoia and thereby discrediting their victim. Their humour is rarely self-effacing as they prefer humour at the expense of others, ridiculing and humiliating others, with the added bonus of laughter and attention as a reward for their superior wit. I think it might be a personality trait that some narcs are lucky to possess as it does aid them in their agendas. Love your work Scott.
It's because they understand human nature so well and are very adept in observing, analyzing, and assessing situations (the "human condition"), which requires a certain amount of intelligence. The prerequisite for humor is intelligence (there is a correlation between sense of humor and intelligence). They tend to be glib and always have quick comebacks, but their humor can change on a dime. So, whether you're going to be the butt of a joke or have a "humorful" exchange, depends on their mood. Since they are capricious by nature, you never know what you'll get. With narcissists the lines between "funny" and meanspiritedness are fluid. They weave in and out of both so skillfully. That's why one can never feel fully at ease around them.
Spot on!
Breakthrough Moment
Its like with the liberal mainstream media. Think about that failure Kathy Griffin, SNL, and the rest that fail in humor because they're so obsessed in impeaching Trump. They appeal to a crowd that will never be happy no matter what you do.
Arkham Knight You're the last person I thought I'd hear say that. Trump is dangerous. I'm not advocating what Kathy Griffen said, but he's a narc and could start the next world war with his belligerent, pugnacious ways with other countries. He has no diplomatic skills and someone like that doesn't need to be commander in chief of the "free" world.
I was just saying this over articles and facts I've read and observed. I'm pretty neutral on Trump and I understand some people may or may not like him, in which many around where I'm from don't. I'm saying the main problem with the media is that it becoming very very biased to the point its hard to trust them. Some people got to see there's manipulative people also confiding inside the media too. Hope you see where I'm coming from.
By the way, don't mistake me to be a conservative or liberal too, if you asked.
It's hard to get angry with someone when they are making you laugh.
"I'm not funny, you can probably tell" I thought that was pretty funny 😂
"I'm not funny. I guess you can tell." That made me laugh! I know what you're saying, though. They DO seem to be really quick on the uptake. Maybe it has something to do with the hyper-vigilance of a natural predator...
If you are laughing with them you are not doing what they fear the most laughing at them. I believe it is due to deep insecurities.
My nex is the center of attention wherever he goes. He is extremely intelligent and funny to probably everyone but me, now that I know he's a Narc and really know what it means and how it's impacted me. I could laugh like the rest, but got to the point where watching him perform just made me sick bc he sure didn't provide fun for me. He was such a "fun" dad, it was stupid. He was embarrassing much of the time. I am just beginning my recovery. I never thought about his humor like this. I completely agree that humor would be a trait that certain Narcissists would know how to use to get their supply for attention and to win over a new victim. Worked on me! It didn't last long, but I was married for 32 years...I've had some very difficult days, to say the least. Thanks for all the videos...information is power.
Lori Semler a
Karen Kish ??
To deflect, and to make you look bad when you get your feelings hurt by their "jokes" about you. I've been living that for two years.
it can also deflect. and with narcs it's often sarcasm. at someone else's expense or a form of FALSE self deprecation. it's zll zbout getting attention . I don't think they're funny I think they're well primed and very aware of the power of words. Hence word salad. And it's not funny when it's cruel
Yup they are sarcastic f**kers for sure...They'll drop jokes on you - at your expense - and just expect you to handle/take the brunt of their tacky humor, but if you dare throw a witty retort back at them (which they can rarely handle) they'll get triggered and will most likely try and project/deflect by saying something like: "Oh don't take it so personally; just kidding..ha ha..." or "Your too sensitive" ,etc....At the end of the day, the truth is, is that these pathetic creatures are the ultra sensitive/fragile ones, and we - the em paths/scapegoats - are the thick skinned/robust/hardy ones....and they can't handle that. It's all projection and deflection with these a holes
Jodi Hansen That's right! it is always at someone else's expense. But try cracking a joke about them and you'll have ferocious animal on your hands. (NARCISSISTIC ENJURY )...watch your back!!!
notmycircusnotmymonkeys Etcetera Exactly. I was listening to the video and thinking 'I've never met a truly funny narcissist'. They're not funny-- they're mean funny. I don't think they have the awareness of themselves or of the people and world around them to enable them to be truly comedic. Victims of abuse are often hella funny. Their abusers? Not so much.
Jodi Hansen perfect analysis!
Sanity tbd
I agree I don't think they're funny at all unless they're trying to make fun of people they really don't have any sense of humor unless someone slips on a banana peel
My ex narc used to think he was funny and would laugh a lot at jokes and add to it. I was always a spontaneous laugher and I like silliness. He never liked siliness though. Withme it was seriousness, he was always serious. In front of otherpeople though, he would make jokes, small talk type jokes, not so funny jokes that everyone laughs at to be polite, type of thing. When he was courting me and flirting to shape me into his enabler he was like that. Once he had me, it changed, and then told ME that I was boring! lol I'm glad I can be silly now with my husband and laugh at my own silliness. It's refreshing.
Exactly!! I can be myself now. Thank god I escaped the madness.
Yes same! My ex was very playful and then he never had any humour to him at all... Unless he was putting someone down.
Pandurz Yup. And in my case, unless he was high.
you just wrote down my thoughts about my ex narc perfectly.
Oh ok
Narcissists like to provoke a reaction *and* they like to be the centre of attention... And they spend more than their fair share of time observing human behaviour... Humour taps into all of these things quite nicely. If they manage to get laughter out of people, it is both instantly gratifying for their ego, and often also serves to put down/ridicule someone else - double whammy. Being funny and being charming are often one and the same thing. In my opinion, it might be far more basic than manipulation - it's attention-seaking and also a great way to put someone down. It gives them a sense of power. And because they are so self-centered, they often miss the deeper layers of understanding how things/people work... Therefore, their humour also tends to be an odd mix of TOTALLY on the mark and yet at the same time childish/juvenile/obvious. They spend ALL their time trying to figure out other people (to better manipulate them)... And they learn from a very young age the power of humour (to humiliate / disarm / or just to get some attention)... So I would argue they spend A LOT of time practising being funny.
Natalie Leveille ugh the more I see things the more nervous it get with the guy I’m dating
I think so too. They practise and observe.
"The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself." (J.Thurber)
I think that makes me a humorist. LOL! Thanks for the descriptor.
This is excellent! I began my search on narcissism via humor and humiliation and I've kept a chronicle of my situations with my partner as we experience her modes of humor: All of her friends consider her hilarious, she keeps cool and feigns modesty. She once corrected me on something I thought was funny, so that's another vein of weirdness. Most of her friends prize mean, humiliating, sexual and uncomfortable humor as the best kind. I'm struggling with our relationship now because it's all too much for me. All she wants to do is laugh and move on. She can't compliment, be tender or loving. I am learning that I am supply. It's rough. Thanks again for all of your time and research.
Yeah, Narcs are laughing all the way to the bank!
Reasons they possibly are funny;
* They are still childish emotionally.
* They lack the social connection not to insult people
* They are uninhibited, so are funny the way little kids are who don't have social restraints-- the boy in the fairy tale who cried,
"But the Emperor has no clothes!"
* They are proud of their humor & wit ( Narcs do say this, so beware). They are the best at everything, after all, remember?
* They are detached & see the objective irony/ humor in situations/people. Which to be fair is often present.
* They are absurdist & cynics. Of course they are witty.
* They want to be hurtful, yet pass publicly as joking.
* Humor is a stress release to them, too. Even Nazi guards would joke around with concentration camp prisoners. They too needed some relief, and human connection.
* Narcs look down on others. We are ALWAYS funny to them.
So there we have it.
Although he claims not be funny, I must say, Scott gave a naughty little eye flick at end of video.
[My first idea when I saw this topic-- Why are Narcissists so funny?-- was that they themselves are QUITE absurd and make themselves ridiculous in their lies and machinations]
I agree Scott. Their humor is a superpower of sorts. Humor gets people to drop their guard. In those moments the narcissist swoops in for the kill.
Yes yes! My ex covert narc had a charming humor. Very original and it gave me the feeling that he was the one. 😏🤔
Like so many others commented. It's another form of control. Like a comedian. You have a refined joke practiced over and over. You laugh, they get supply. Once they think they have your attn, then shift the narrative to manipulation... then deeper manipulation if they think they have you. Then sit back and reorganize the manipulation to go forward with the damage or pause to re-evaluate.
It's a dance... they lead, you follow. Stop the dance and if you can leave... leave.
At the least - stop dancing.
Stay strong, stay focused.
I usually completely agree with you, but here I'm scratching my head. My ex was NOT funny. He thought he was, especially if he threw a "joking" insult your way. I found him juvenile and stupid. Like cringeworthy stupid. You lost me on this one. Keep up the great work.
What about to "other" people?? The two narcs in my life did to an extent fit this persona, but not necessarily with those they were closest to.
I've had more than one therapist (one a PhD and one a MD) tell me my ex was most likely a psychopath. I wonder if that has any bearing on it.
cringeworthy is an understatement...the narc in my world has a cheesy smile that just kills me
crownofthorns Mine too, eugghhh!
In my experience she liked to be among funny people, and could be jokey, but there was always something not quite authentic about her in such company. She was wary of humour, I suggest because she knew jokes could go over her head, and she suspected in a paranoid way, that jokes could contain narcissistic injury. The unauthenticity stems from having to scan jokes for negative inferences before engaging in laughter.
I'm not able to agree on this one. I know some funny but selfish people. But in my experience the narcs I know have zero sense of humor. And it caused a problem if I laughed or had a good time. It seemed to just piss them off even more. Anything that made me happy or if I joked about something....seemed to pose some sort of risk to this one narc especially. She would seethe and give me the silent treatment....
If you're not laughing at something that they said/did, it's not permitted. My ndad used to actively try to disrupt my siblings and I when we were having a laugh at something. If he got called out (which was rare) for being an ass, he would storm off into his room and claim that the laughter "hurt his ears." They truly hate seeing other people happy, and will do anything to prevent it.
There are levels of Narcs...some well developed, long standing ones will develop humor to go along with their unemotional self...you know that DRY sense of humor that everyone likes...I find it annoying and disingenuous.
Can you imagine someone's laughter hurting yours ears? They are crazed lunatics!
Soul Prospers Unfortunately, I don't have to imagine it. However, I can't imagine saying myself that laughter hurt my ears.
This is my narc dad. He does laugh at your sadness...or horrible experience u might have had tho
No. It is not always sarcasm. I believe it is part of what remains of their true selves. Also, my theory is: Some of them developed their sense of humor to appease their abuser when they were children. They learned that laughter could make them and the abuser feel better.
Hi Scott, has someone said here, maybe is because of th attention they get from it...it can also be a way of socializing, im guilty of this myself...Narcs dont get along with people easy so, with humour, they can actually get people attention and sympathy, but at the same they are covering they lack of feelings for others. Makes sense? Its a facade, for them to get away with their boredom and emptiness. Just because you are funny, that doesn t mean your sense of entitlement and grandiosity and despair isnt there, but people will have it hard to grasp it.
Thank you, Scott ... Once I recognized my Narc as a Narc , the humor, when presented by the Narc, was simply responded to with a glare.
OMG you nailed it bro! So true. They think they're are so funny (when they aren't) and they will laugh at their own tacky jokes. Pathetic is all I can say. And furthermore, all the narcs I know and have every known are Sarcastic as fuck too (at the other person's expense of course). What is it with this sarcasm; why do they Always resort to this puerile from of humor? I personally think they use it as a defense/distraction front. Would love to hear you do a video on this
Totally right dude, most comedians admit to being narcissists on stage. It seems like the goal of getting the audience to laugh is another game they play to perpetuate the illusion (the reaction of others is a just branch of the deep rooted tree that empowers the narcissists manipulative behavior)
Humor is a performance style making them the center of attention. This gives them the supply they crave.
you hit it spot on when you hit on the charm element. It's also an element of the ASPD as well when you look at the control through compensating types of behavior. Humor could fall right on this category.
A narcissist close to me has made comments like "humour is the best way to diffuse any tense situation" and "you can say anything with a smile". It is also distracting. I think it's like an emotional reset button. When I am angry at him and he makes me laugh, I put my anger aside, I am a little softer, more open to bonding emotionally.
it's part of their routine!
Yeah and to add to that, ever notice it's rarely self deprecating humor; the punchline of their jokes always tend to be outside of themselves and or at the expense of others...
My narc was hilarious, sometimes when he didn’t even intend to be. I miss that.
I feel so validated by your videos. I just met someone with a lot of narcissistic red flags, and his humor almost got me to let my guard down. My guess is that’s why they’re funny - it’s disarming.
The narcissist in my life uses humor as a way to speak negatively about others or to push an idea or a concept that is easier to accept when it's couched in humor. Laughter is disarming and can take the edge off an intense situation, so I believe my narcissist uses it after saying something unpleasant to distract or otherwise prevent someone from challenging the narrative. Because it's a good feeling, and that is something that is generally lacking with them. I think it's also just another way the narcissist feels dominance over another persons behavior. They can MAKE someone laugh. It feels like a power. It is almost systematic in the way I see humor to defuse a situation after the narcissist pushes someone away, insults, or offends them. Often the joke is related to what the narcissist said or did, or how the target responded.
OMG yes! A few days ago I was getting hilarious texts from my Mom, which of course were a welcome relief from her usual extreme neediness and condescention. Yesterday I realized she was using it to butter me up for something she wants. Their humor can be very disarming if you're not paying attention.
Well... I agree and my experience with my very covert ex narc taught me:
1. He was funny when and with whom it was required (as you said it's a tool). Very effective while having an argument.
2. Literally, he didn't know when to stop joking while getting supply (from friends for example), until one of his jokes ended up with an unconfortable silence. Then he would look at me looking for approval.
3. He would steal jokes from me, from friends... doesn't matter. Once he used a stolen joke saying "as we were saying yesterday blah blah", then the friend who actually told the joke the previous day complained. The narc simply said "well, that's why I said as WE were saying yesterday" (Gaslighting alert!)
4. He would also recycle jokes. Damn, he was officially the greatest joke recycler. He would tell the same joke to every single person he met that day. He also spent maaany hours on Internet looking for new jokes or anecdotes
I hope that helps. I apologize if my English is not correct.
My ex was incredibly funny. He was a master of comedic timing. It's one of the main ways he charms people, and he can use it on a dime. I was also very curious about this, because the core of their personalities are very dark. I attribute it to how they are constantly scanning people and storing the information for later use. Sam Vaknin talks about being a walking database of stored information about human emotions that he references when he needs to mimic real emotion for the benefit of the people around him. Perhaps this excessive cataloging allows them to learn the cues for comedy just like any other emotion. It's especially useful because it instantly disarms people. Advanced mimicry!
It is a left over skill from learning to be the class room funny person, which made them the center of attention. their wit can be very clever as well as cruel
Your right about this. They are funny and fun to be with. I think that's what makes it so hard to leave them.
I think their humor is immature and not very funny in my eye's. It is funny to see the Narc in my life never laugh at my jokes or humor. Just blank stare and no smile.
My ex-crazy bitch narc used humor a lot! Especially around my family because she tried her hardest to get on their good side. She would always tell these wild stories that didn't even seem true (they probably weren't) just to get a few laughs, so that people would like her. But she was different when I was around her. She was the only one that could make me laugh. If anyone else made me laugh she would get this horrible look on her face, and every time I laughed at something she would be like "you have the worst humor, that's not funny at all" it was so weird!!! I'm so glad she's out of my life. 1 month no contact, and that's been the happiest month I've had in a long time
Yep, this is definitely in their toolbox but once you become aware, it is like an obvious "sales pitch"!! I don't know really how to express what I'm trying to say, it's just this gut instinct that we tend to ignore because not everyone who is funny is a narcissist. They DO rehearse this stuff in their heads. My husband spends more time rehearsing in his head what he is going to say to others than he does actually saying it to the person and has told me so. Ex: me-hey did you talk to your mother yet about x,y,z? Him-no, I'm still trying to rehearse (his ACTUAL words) exactly what I want to say. Rehearsing for a job, a speech, etc., that's normal. Spending enormous amounts of time rehearsing a dialogue with someone in order to alter the outcome, not normal in my book! His final draft that I observe *always* come with a bag of jokes and compliments. Ice-breakers, whatever you want to call it.
fuhgetabouddit Wow, I remember my narc saying: you have to rehearse what you're going to say before an argument, think of every possible answer and what you will reply. It's like a chess player's brain
YES...the sales pitch...wow...Narcs make great salesmen cuz they are obvious to rejection like normal people
you're right. it is to disarm you. its to keep you, i think to feel weird to approach them with any deep conversations. and when I do, they often tell me i'm dark. so, either that or maybe because they have low self esteem, they have used humor as a way to gain friendships. shallow emotions.
someone asked Christopher Walken once, "why do you tend to only play horror or comedy characters?" he said "I think there is a fine line between the two". I know it is weird, but I think of the Dark Knight's Joker- he was such a sociopath narcissist. He uses laughter as a coping mechanism with the irony and reactions of horror. " whatever doesn't kill you makes you stranger." -joker
This is SO true! My narc ex was hilarious, and right from the get go! He wasn't even that good-looking; definitely not what I usually go for, but he was so funny and I just fell for him very quickly. Wish I had known about narcs before wasting my time with my previous two boyfriends! One had so many narc tendencies, but wasn't a full blown narc. The second one, is a text book malignant narc, who nearly destroyed my life, finances and reputation.
Hilarious! Humour was the main "M O" of the ex-narc. When I recall the "pink love cloud" I seemed to be engulfed in...in the early days of our relationship, his funniness was extremely disarming. I felt a familiarity. I had not long prior lost a loved older brother who was always a funny and positive guy to be around, so yes!...it made me feel "at home". Along with the compliments, seemingly knowing everything about me to know instinctively how to "love bomb" me and having a physical disability that drew out the empath in me (big time!), I was a gonner!
I can't believe I have found your video because it kinda validates another "WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?" moment.
Thank you!!
Idk... my ex had the worst sense of humor he would even get mad at me because I didn't laugh at all of his jokes, I only laughed when I was worried he would get mad, I'd laugh to stroke his ego, or laugh on the rare occasion that he was actually funny. It was sad, he just WASN'T FUNNY. It would have even made things easier on me to just fake laugh to appease him but I got to the point where he'd come up to me at home cracking lame jokes and expecting a laugh like I was a coin-operated giggle machine. And I mean, I laugh at EVERYTHING, I'm a goofball, I will bust up about anything and everything, even at myself. So him not being funny was really odd, and disappointing. To be fair, he sounds more like a sociopath than a narcissist though so that could be part of it. Or maybe he wanted to gaslight me into thinking I had no sense of humor because that was something I loved about myself, who knows!!
I think that you are right that it is a tactic to put the target at ease, and also to create the impression that they are fun to be with. One thing about their exercise of this tactic is how they can quickly shift from hilarity to anger or righteous indignation-- and this shows that the "humor" is a tactic-- a "means to an end." This kind of on-off can be the beginning of the constant creation emotional disequilibrium in the target...what was funny to them yesterday today is something else-- usually something that they perceive that you have done to injure them. (Gaslighting).
Also, the "cold" empathy of the narcissist can be quite astute in determining what makes people laugh, and if you have no boundaries and no respect for unspoken but widely held social norms, it is really easy to do so, in that the narcissist is willing to say and do things that many people might think but never actually say or do. This is indeed, one ability that they do have. They often demonstrate a stunning lack of embarrassment, which is an indicator of their inability to truly empathize. They simply don't care what others think, though they do seem to be aware that this irreverence is humorous to people.
This can seem, almost, a kind of vulnerability, or even a kind of social courage, as it were, but really only testifies to their predatory observation skills and their willingness to push boundaries in the pursuit of what they want (your trust). It also gives them lots of positive supply in social situations. Everybody likes to laugh, so it is highly effective, as well as quite easy, for the narcissist.
Man, you really hit every nuance I've found of this phenomena of the NPD; and, this one of being funny is the one that makes me puddy in their hand; I have a NARC Where I constantly say, man, how are you constantly getting funnier, are you going to funny school. I know their ass isn't studying; Also, they know song lyrics and Hollywood stars really well. Great, great topic on this, or any other genre, because this is a question I've had about 3 NARCs I know, but I've had it before I knew they were NARCs. That's also typically the first thing most will say of them too, how funny they are. They're typically Shameless, as well, which is a big help in being funny.
They derive a LOT of energy and ego stroking from making people laugh. They love the attention. And people like people who make them laugh. They want to be around them.
They don't have pleasant qualities, not real ones anyway, so they have to offer *something* to make people want to be around them
Dude you are funny too, I'm laughing now about your last comments. "Like being Narcissistic gives you an edge in that department".. It DOES make sense to me. 1st off, many narcs are funny but in my experience at least half are not. But in my humble thought processes, I can see that in order for a child to grow into a Narcissistic adult, they must possess a certain amount of intelligence to craft their shifting identities and image, etc. Humour, it seems to me, would be crucial as a much needed coping skill. I believe many DO possess an authentic sense of humour. Sometimes humor is an icebreaker a trust earner, attention getter (supply, right?), and it's used as a covert insult, too. I believe many of us use humor that way, though.
AWESOME VIDEO, THANKS!
A lot of professional entertainers are narcissists/ sociopaths. Remember that.
It's a way to charm people and it's a way to get attention and to be a sychophant. Like the class clown.
Why are clowns scary? Because a lot of comedy is actually veiled anger. It's actually agressive towards the audience or the material.
Btw, you are funny. You're deadpan/ naturally funny. Dry.
it's a way to get attention 😅
Plato I believe said "humor is the exhibition of bad moral virtue". There's many facets of the tool or byproduct of humor in human behavior but I agree with a lot of what you're saying: Humor is really a specific range of human behavior, in every aspect of behavior it has potential to exist. And despite popular belief, it's EASY to be funny. Humor is not just about someone's actions to produce it, it's at least 50% of the time about the person who laughs (the observer and judge of "humor"). So, n's being funny on average moreso than the average person is in my mind largely because they're good at reading people and therefore tailor their words to appeal to others specific notions of humor for charming purposes.
My narc ex husband had no humor at all except pure rotten sarcasm which I hate. I used to refer to him as "Mister Serious" behind his back. I really hated that relationship so much. Thank God it's over!
Mister Serious😅
Part of the illusion not funny at home!
Donna Larson yeah they are very dull in the house. they become funny in front of strangers
I called it my ex narc performance.
My NF used humor to make his incessant sarcasm palatable.
my husband engages people with his humour. he can be very funny and he uses it to get people to like him. people serving him in a shop anyone. he likes walking away thinking they like him.
...I have never seen a funny narcissist. I've seen narcissists who *THOUGHT* they were funny, as they were teasing me. As an attention-getting mechanism, being funny would be an effective tool, with the added benefit of disarming their potential victims & the audience all narcissists crave.
Scott u can be hilarious in an innocent way, u often will hit the nail on the head perfectly in your description occasionally, and my natural response is to lol. Luv yr choice of words, so apt ! Great grasp of language.
nope...my ex hub, my brother and narc mom all serious, I'm an empath but I think I'm funny, light hearted
I understand your point. I think it goes back to 'the best comedians often know great tragedy and pain'. Personally speaking, I find this to be true.
On the flipside, when narcissists are behind closed doors, they often aren't funny. They are full of rage, or either simply blank.
that's how my ex narc got in...our first night out he had me laughing so hard!! Sometimes I would laugh inside during his rages because it was beyond comprehension...
I agree narcs are funny because when targets laugh they become like children. Their guards are decreased and are more susceptible to manipulation.
Once again you point out a narc trait that all the others miss! My narc could make me laugh so hard sometimes with a single word or look, and no it wasn't always sarcastic or mean spirited at all. I know it's a trait he still uses to charm his wide circle of friends.
Their humor is very shallow and slap-stick. They don't understand more witty or dry humor, goes right over their heads.
That is so true. They don't get sarcasm and irony at all.
That is so true!!
the very skilled Narc incorporates dry humor right into their personality and they start tapping the supply wherever they go, but real heart connect with people which is the source of real humor they are obviously to...(they like their one-liners from comedies, movies TV shows, and they use them A LOT)
I got this +Understanding Narcissists! The narcissist has had since childhood to develop their craft. There is nothing else to develop besides strategic maneuvers in order to get your attention. They are empty, they did not have anything that fulfilled them in their development years so they devised strategic methods in order to get their needs met. In other words, they will develop their charm, humor, and social aspects in order to get the attention of their narcissistic overlords. This is all they know, and they know it well. I have met many skilled people who pretend to be fun loving people, yet are actually malignant narcs.
my ex narc studied comedians growing up. He is funny and prides himself on it. I started to become more funny hanging around him and he noticed it, I think he's a bit jealous of it though he takes credit for it. He says "You need to be on stage, not me". The other thing is that he finds it hilarious if a person falls and hurts themselves and things like too, which I don't. sometimes I think it is a spirit. Sometimes when I'd be alone watching something that made me laugh, I noticed often that I'd laugh like him,, the same sound and expression and comments and I prayed for God to take away any spirits from them came from my connection to him and it that has since stopped. I still have my own sense of humor but I don't feel his (narcs) presence when I do. This was a good topic, glad you did this because it's confirmation, it's the one thing I couldn't figure out because it didn't fit the normal descip of a narc.
I also think it's a trap because it is disarming but he'd also try to make me the butt of his jokes in front of people then when i called him on it he'd say " we are a tag team, you were supposed to come back with something funny".
Yes they use humor and funny jokes and their personality to get you to drop your guard and keep you in a shallow realm of your emotions where they can manipulate you easier, to put you in a receptive state and drop your guard.
they are funny like people with tarets are sometimes funny when they blurt things out. they basically dont have a filter and that can be funny at times. its not high iq humor. its like tarets humor. if a man with tarets sees a fat person he'll just blurt it out which can be funny. ofen they have so much pain as well that they will unleash mean yet funny humor to people.
It also can be a coping mechanism .
My narc was a big funny ass! Loved the 3 stooges! I think it served him 2 purposes. The first being it's a form of control and second it covers up deep pain and insecurity! If I make people laugh they are doing it because I caused it! Then there fear of being laughed at is no longer a fear!
And you are correct in your observation. Narcs relied on self at a very young age to make sense of the world after it was beaten or abused out of them. Their approach to life is immature. It's not taken seriously. People are not taken seriously. Humor is natural in that event. I am a very witty person. I am always making people laugh that are around me. It is not by design. It is of my essence.
A recurring trait I'm noticing in certain narcissists is that people often find them funny because they are so lively, chatty and hyper-energetic at all times that it gives them a kind of amusing charm - for instance, they often chatter endlessly in social environments and strike up random conversations with strangers, and other people will often find this funny or cute, i.e. "awww she's so funny the way she can't go more than a minute without talking to someone"... When you need to leave a social event they will keep delaying you by chattering Non-Stop, you'll remind them you need to leave and they'll be like "yeah, sorry, I'm coming" then immediately they'll get chatting to the next person they see, cue 5-10 more minutes of waiting for them, and people tend to find this funny or cute... IT'S NOT. They know full well that they are inconveniencing you by talking so much, they just thrive on being the centre of attention and having an 'audience'. Their constant smiling and laughing is their weapon, so that people find them funny instead of just annoying, people think this is a quirky or funny trait of theirs when it is just born out of their unhealthy need for attention and control over others. It quickly stops being funny when you've sussed out their true reasons for doing it.
Definitely agree with your observations. One of the things that attracted me to my narc was his ability to make me laugh, and it was also handy in Hoovering as well. Especially for those like mine, who must rely on wit and charm because they lack other attributes to help support the façade such as the ability hope to hold a job or being financially responsible. For my narc, wit and charm is really all he has. And you're right, they don't throw it at you like they do the delusion,, It comes across as more natural and organic. Not like they are "trying" to be funny, but they do seem to make the best of good opportunities. It's a hard dynamic to describe, but it's definitely there. But I think there's definitely intent to it. He has even mentioned his ability to make me laugh, he knows it's influential. Also, the fact that they are able to retain this humorous nature despite the abuse they perpetrate and the destruction they cause, speaks to their emptiness inside, as normal people cannot so easily make a light in the midst of those types of circumstances. In fact, now that I'm thinking on it, he could use humor to pull me out of my sadness and devastation caused by his own abuse! Isn't that handy!
Some of the funniest people I've known have been narcissists. It is meant to be a sign of empathy, but I guess it's another form of cold (fake) empathy. Laughing is also a form of trauma, or expression, or relief from it, I think. We hear it said that if you weren't laughing, then you would cry instead.
Absolutely spot on! right before the discard my Narc told me, that he discovered what his gift was he was to make people laugh, and I thought at the moment yeah everybody but your family. wonder how much work it takes out of them to always be funny? When we went to court he stated on the stands that he had to keep the friends happy? again I thought how exhausting that must be... lol
some of them are just insult comics and their material can get old fast.
This video is so spot on. After being widowed my first dating experience was with a narcissist and he was very funny. That ended very badly he completely changed discarded me and ghosted me. A couple months later Imet a guy that was funny,totally opposite first narcissist , we even joked during our 3 months together about the first one. I just discovered three days ago I’m getting discarded again and that OMG the second one is a NARC as well 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
wow...dead on. my narcissist is very funny and that is what charmed me when I first met him.
Key word. CONFUSION!
As I watched this video I considered how maybe the fact that narcs are funny and are able to get you to laugh at their jokes, sarcastic or otherwise, is another means of manipulating your emotions. It's like another form of control over you where they were able to use words to cause an emotional response. Feeds their supply, perhaps.
You know I asked myself the same question a number of times, how is he soooo funny, if he is..dead inside? If he is unable to empathise, how does he make people laugh? How does he make ME laugh.
And then I noticed something, which is common to all narcissists that I have observed.
Narcissists never laugh at themselves. Ever.
They don't laugh when a joke is at their expense. They don't laugh at their own faux-pas's. They don't laugh if the joke isn't coming from them.. They don't laugh at situational humour, UNLESS they say something about it. They don't participate in other people's humour.
Honestly, in hindsight, I think narcissists are only funny around people who are co-dependent. If you're not co-dependent, if you value being listened to, and seeing other people being validated and not ignored or dismissed, their "humour" will get old, quickly.
Another thought, humour is often used as a defence mechanism (the character Chandler, in the comedy series "Friends", portrays this very well). Most comedians are battling something. They don't acknowledge something within themselves, and it eats at them. Or they've sustained some kind of emotional wound as children, and they're using laughter to deal with the pain that comes from that. Kevin Hart famously talks about growing up with his drug addict father, who almost killed him, by throwing him in a swimming pool when he didn't know how to swim.
For a narcissist it would be the ultimate defence mechanism, because you can never get to them, with humour. They can always deflect, it's like a shield. They can use it to abuse you "I was only teasing", they can use it to deny you a forum, they can use it to protect themselves. If you're trying to have a serious conversation. If you try to express any real feelings. It's also a very good way of invalidating the other person without seeming like a jerk. If you can make that person laugh, while at the same time cutting them off, or cutting off their train of thought, it's verrrrry effective. I've seen this happen many times, at work. Someone cutting someone off with a joke when the second person is trying to express an opinion, and then everyone laughs, and forgets what person 2 was saying. And then person 2 can't stay on message, because then they look like a buzzkill. It's very hard to be serious after a joke. Like right after a joke. So it's a very, very effective means of controlling your environment. You can do a lottttt of damage, with humour.
Bingo! I'm a minute in and I realized the 2 or 3 people who turned out to be the narcs in my life, were always joking, and frequently funny.
Yes they He was a riot! Even after he discarded me, he was trying to be funny with me, but during that point the humor actually just brought me heartache because it reminded me of what we had and what no longer was. Right after he told me a dry joke i cut complete communication . But yes Could have been a professional comedian.
The narcs in my life are not interested in being funny unless they are in the company of people they are trying to recruit. When there’s nothing in it for them, i noticed they are stingy with humor, end it is usually laced with sarcasm or its very “dry” and short. Maybe it’s because they know that I really like humor, and engage in it with others often, so they’re not going to give it to me.
Humour is a cerebral narcissist's tactic. Other people laughing at their jokes validates them socially/intellectually.
Somatic narcissists tend to be decidedly lacking in humour and often don't laugh or display any humorous affect at all.
Humour is also more characteristic of an overt type narcissist rather than a covert. Coverts tend to have blunted affect due to their corrupting inner shame and low self-esteem.
I can totally relate to this. My ex partner had a very childish sense of humour, which I found quite endearing. This was much more obvious when his children were younger. They have kind of outgrown his childish behaviour now. He was very witty though. This was one of the things I loved about him, even when I was mildly annoyed with him. It was a tool for sure. Thank you, for your insight. I am new to your videos, but finding them very helpful in my recovery.
Humor is psychological. All a person has to do is make someone crack a laugh once and then everyone around is inclined to laugh just because they heard a laugh. The most wonderful aspect of life is that laughter can be as infectious as a cold, but luckily far less disgusting. In my opinion, laughter is good for the soul as long as it doesn't come at the expense of other people.
Some narcs use humor to defuse their own feelings of anger or despair. They might know that if they acted out how they really felt - the veil would be ripped off. In this way the humor comes from a very dark place...which is also what makes it so funny. It is the perfect tool to regulate their image and manipulate others.
Narcissists are funny because. They want to lower peoples defences. About half the time narcissists will say things that aren't funny, but are just inappropriate, or shocking, or offensive, with the intent of being funny. But the way they deliver it demands that you laugh. It's more that you let them be funny if you have enabling tendencies... They also spend so much time probing people for responses. And they figure out how to get the responses they want from people that forces them to let their guards down. They think about how to manipulate people as much as you think about psychology. Anyone can be funny if they spend as much time probing other people for responses and carefully considering the outcomes all the time, with the intent of lowering another persons defenses... Furthermore, most comedians are tormented. When you have a dark outlook on the world the only way you can face it is through humour. Nearly all the great comedians are depressives. I recommend the book, "Games People Play."
I have learned that the art of humor is making fun of the ridiculous things of life, sometimes reality is absurd and so the foundation of a joke or punchline is born.
I have learned also that Narcissists study their target, their weaknesses and ways of thinking. So... I wonder if a Narcissist senses that their losing their supply in you, perhaps because you are saddened... and something ridiculous in life happens (which shouldn't be hard to come by these days)... then boom. Here's something to make you laugh, lift your spirits and preserve your position on my side.
Just thinking out loud.
A lot of people are SUSCEPTIBLE to Common kind of Humor. They USE Humor as a ... Tool ... Yes.
Benevolent Humor VS Humor w/ Malevolent intentions.
Remember that song. smile, though your heart is breaking,
If you'd just smile. There were a lot of people who had depressing childhoods. in the depression era.
My narc was extremely funny... until he wasn't and it just became hurtful all the time. I remember telling my family and friends that one of the reasons I liked him so much in the beginning is that he was so funny and shortly thereafter I excused it as him being " quirky". It took awhile for me to realize that it was just probably a defense mechanism and notice how immature he truly was. A child in a man's body! Most of his friends just thought that was the way he was and he was pretty obnoxious at times. Only those closest to him probably knew he was narcissistic. He would always tell me I was acting like a high schooler but it was total projection! The only good thing for me is I never believed what he said and I just would brush it off so that's probably why he continue to do it... always hoping he would get a rise out of me.
My ex narc always thought he was funny and the life of the party.This is so true I would just look and watch him preform because the minute we got in the car to leave the true monster came out again.
my ex narc was super funny and charismatic and extremely talented musically. it IS what attracted me. phew! 19 years later...wasn't so funny. Still healing.
You have it right again. My X used this dry wit, humor and sarcasm as a tool for various circumstances depending on the affect he wanted.
Quick Sharp-edged sarcasm that would leave you with your head spinning looking dumb or off your balance with as a defensive mechanism to stay one step ahead of you or others. Other times to charm to disarm you as you say to make his audience feel comfortable. Let their guard down see what a " nice guy" he was. To get the attention he craved at looking how brilliant he was. To get others to support his huge ego.
All part of the game and as you say, a tool. I think the X honed this craft first out of necessity from himself being bullied as a kid to deflect his abusers with his wit. And as a way to please his Narcissistic Father.. that didn't see him or make is codependent Mom laugh.
Tools .. and as another viewer said another mask that works in multiple ways to get what they want, need, crave. Adoration and attention. So sad such brillance, wasted.
Our family has always been funny. Sometimes biting sarcasm, sometimes innuendoes and random references not everyone 'gets'.
My narcissistic sister can be charmingly funny, but it's always with a purpose. She will not dispense her humor with just 'anyone' and it doesn't really appear to come naturally.
I totally agree with this! It is amazing! But EVERY NARC I've known is funny. Thx 💜
You are right...to charm and disarm.
Is their innate quality and use it to control you
predator type personalities are funny because they are highly observant, as they scan/hunt situations. when my narc friend would tell a story about work, it would be so detailed and hyperbolic that it would seem like comedy genius. i think it's a byproduct of being negative and observant always judging things from their odd perspective. it also helps get their agenda across because you let your guard down when you're laughing.
they are hunters, so they are extra observant, and their temperament gets them in weird situations that make for funny stories, and they tell it with exaggerations, with flamboyant mental acrobatics.
and it's socially acceptable to express your disdain for someone or something (Authority) when you make it into a joke. so they can vent a little of their ongoingly built up jealous/resentment etc. by using humor as a way of expressing seething contempt or disdain for coworkers, etc.
in some cases they tend to lack shame, so they may just be over the top with bluntness, shock, vulgarity,
sarcasm means to cut flesh. it can be passive aggressive. snark used to playfully taunt.
Yes exactly